#but a whole group of people? wow
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I'm actually crying a bit rn because some if my uni friends just asked in our WhatsApp group if someone was going to CSD on Saturday. And I was super nervous because I haven't seen these guys in a bit (they are all writing their theses), but I always felt extremely comfortable with them (three of them are bi and we talked a lot and I actually considered for a few months last year if I am maybe bisexual too, because, yesss women are pretty.) Anyway. I said that I had already thought about going because I was curious, but that I also felt nervous because I've never been there before and I've only relatively recently discovered that asexuality exists and even more recently that I actually am, and that I was feeling a bit uncool.
And they immediately said "That's not uncool" and I hurried to say "Yes, of course being asexual isn't uncool, that's not what I meant", and then they said "No, you aren't uncool", and someone sent a picture of frogs in ace colours because they know I like frogs, and now they say I should just join them and I can leave if I get overwhelmed with the people and the noise (and now I'm crying again although I started typing this 30 mins ago).
Well, it looks like I'm going to my first Pride Event on Saturday. :)
#for the record I AM relatively uncool#I spend between 5 - 10 h a day at the library at least 6 days iof the week because i have no life and i take my studies RIDICULOUSLY sirious#I'm a terrible perfectionist and if that isn't uncool i don't know#but somehow they like me and they want me spend time with them :')#when that friend group formed last year i was so ELATED#i have friends but it's usual 1 to 1 relationships#I'm not usually a part of the group with the cool people#but i even celebrated my birthday with them and they think I'm funny and sometimes I'm just so confused because#of course my mum thinks I'm funny and the three nerdy friends i handpicked#but a whole group of people? wow#also they talk about sex a lot and whenever it came up and they asked me about my opinion I was like#Uhm honestly I don't know I've only been in one relationship so I guess I didn't have time to experiment or something#so I knew they are really liberal that way but paradoxically at the same time that made me even more nervous because#they are so interested in sex and i am not OH NO what if they think I'm boring#well there are many reasons to think me boring but they study with me so i guess they know about all these other reasons too#(i was the only one in the group who really enjoyed historical lectures)#okay ngl I'm still nervous#i rarely go to fairgrounds or demonstrations because of the noise and the people and this feels even more personal#but i think I will be alright :))#huh#personal thoughts#asexuality
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so sick and tired of the “jedi are an evil and abusive cult that steals children” as if half the reason they weren’t protecting these children is bc sith were out killing them or TURNING THEM INTO SITH. they weren’t even STEALING children to begin with I thought we all knew that was Palpatine’s game not Yoda’s.
#i hate star wars fans i truly do#they wanna pick apart the jedi like of course there are mistakes and wrong doings#bUT THE SITH ARE RIGHT THERE#trying to build the narrative that anakin was abused by the jedi is absolutely crazy when his actions and thoughts were all his own#and GROOMED by palpatine#the only reason people want to pin them as bad people is because yoda could call out anakin’s bad behavior#that and they didnt promote him to master right away because oh im the chosen one i should be#like you need to PROVE you are the chosen one and that you WILL bring balance to the force and NOT DESTROY IT#THATS FHE WHOLE PROPHECY#AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY WERE CAREFUL WITH ANAKIN???#and then the oh well they make you supress feelings#nO#THEY#DONT#they make you surpress attachments so that if it comes DOWN to it you will save the many and not just risk it all to save the ONE#disney has done damage to the star wars community i swear#saw a tik tok comment section where they said the council is like the christian church#lost my MIND#well the jedi fit cult criteria!!#wow! star wars fans find out WHAT A GROUP OF RELIGION IS#LITERALLY ANY GROUP OF RELIGION CAN BE CALLED A CULT NOT EVERY CULT IS BAD#im sorry i cant stand it anymore#star wars#star wars tcw#auxxrat yap#jedi council#jedi#star wars legends
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I read your disagreement on this popular sentiment that "The Jedi Were Flawed" and I couldn't agree more with your disagreement. The Jedi are not the problem in the galaxy. It's everybody else: the Sith for plotting a revenge conspiracy for 1,000 years, the Republic for being plagued with corruption in which the Sith had a hand in (but not all Republic senators were corrupt), the Mandalorians for being warmongering a-holes, the Hutts and other crime syndicates who terrorize innocent people, the Separatists for making problems worse by starting a war with the Republic, the Empire for bringing tyranny upon the galaxy, and if you're an EU fan, the Yuuzhan Vong for starting an unprovoked war against the galaxy that causes the deaths of TRILLIONS of people!
That post came about almost as a reaction to pro Jedi people constantly talking about how OF COURSE the Jedi were flawed all the time and how annoying I find it more than anything else lol. It's very annoying to have to keep seeing posts by people who I know do LIKE the Jedi talking about how flawed they are, how they make mistakes, blah blah blah.
I've had people ask me why the sentiment of "the Jedi were flawed" can't co-exist with the sentiment of "the Jedi were RIGHT" or "the Jedi did nothing wrong" and, to me, it's not that they can't coexist in a more general sense, but they don't coexist NARRATIVELY to me. "The Jedi were flawed" is just a bullshit statement because the entire point of the narrative is that the Jedi were RIGHT. So what does it add to that particular theme and storyline to insist that the Jedi were flawed all the time, or that they made mistakes? How does it add to the message about being selfless and compassionate to insist that the characters who are in the story specifically to showcase why it's important to be selfless and compassionate are in fact also flawed and make mistakes?
It ALSO bothers me because the people who most often say it are the ones who mean "the Jedi were flawed" as "the Jedi deserved what they got" or "the Jedi were wrong the whole time" or "the Jedi should've changed their entire culture to accommodate one person" or "it was the Jedi's fault that everything bad in the galaxy happened." So when fans who LIKE the Jedi and don't actually believe any of that continue to insist "OF COURSE I believe the Jedi are flawed" it just smacks of desperation, of trying to appease these other fans who will never change their minds. Why bother trying to insist on a middle ground when what they mean by "the Jedi are flawed" is not the same as what a real Jedi fan means by it? What does it add to try to find a middle ground with someone whose interpretation is so completely the opposite of your own? Why bother?
So yeah. I never say the Jedi were flawed because I don't find it a particularly useful way to analyze the story or the Jedi's position within it. The Jedi were right, the Jedi are always right, and it's not honestly any more complicated than that.
#star wars#jedi#pro jedi#this doesn't mean the INDIVIDUAL CHARACTERS can't be more complicated necessarily#like is obi-wan a well-rounded character with flaws? yes#is yoda a well-rounded character with flaws? yes#is mace a character who occasionally makes mistakes? sure#but none of this means that the JEDI AS A WHOLE - the jedi as a group within the narrative - are flawed#the JEDI are always right#the individual characters are sometimes flawed#oh wow just realized that is literally the opposite of when some people love indiv jedi but keep saying the order is flawed lol#nah mates if you loved them you'd see it's the opposite way around#the individual PEOPLE are flawed but the order never is#the order is a symbol of compassion and selflessness and light#obi-wan is occasionally an arrogant little bitch tho
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Without FAIL every single person I've seen throw a fit over people "being mean" to fictional characters is extremely awful towards the real people they perceive as being insufficiently respectful towards the pretend people
#this obviously doesn't include racism/homophobia/transphobia/other bigotry#since if you'll be hateful to a fictional character you're still being hateful towards that real group#but yeah people will be like jsyk if you criticize anything blorbo bleebus does you're a monster and I hope you die :)#with NO self awareness#it's tbh not dissimilar to the whole goblin thing a few years ago#ie wow you'll defend goblins against antisemitic stereotypes. now try doing that with real jewish people! wait where are you going#it's easy to defend a fictional character who will never disagree with you and can't speak for themselves#and who can't disapprove of you making death threats in their name#queue
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if there is a 'Group', i am always on the outside looking in, it's been the one constant in my life - i have been aware of it since i was young. i have never known how to 'join' Groups. no matter how much i try to fix whatever is wrong with me or change myself its never enough. when you want to belong but you cant figure out how to belong, its the worst
#jrnlsht#and the worst feeling in the world is when one person in The Group decides they dont like you all of sudden#and you get cut off from everyone else in The Group#this happened to me like clockwork every six months in pittsburgh#I would find a new friend group and think wow this is it i belong these people are great#then one guy or two guys would decide i was going to be their girlfriend and give me an ultimatum#date the guy or you cant be friends anymore#and because the guy was in the friend group before i was that meant if i said no to dating i was permanently out of The Group#so i said no and had to work to find a whole new friend group#this is why by the time i left pittsburgh my friends were almost exclusively women i just stopped trusting befriending men#anyway what is happening now feels like the exact same thing only this time bizarrely its work/career instead of friendship/dating
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very much this... cr.
#i saw this hours ago but i came across this tweet again#and it made me think about how i learned how to not put people i stan on insane pedestals#bc when they made bad decisions or something very ignorant#i would get insanely disappointed and sad abt it for a very long time#not that i don't think even if you have a healthy view abt people you stan#you can't be disappointed but#i feel like when you do this actively and you think your faves can't do no wrong#and then they do it's very different#what i've observed for the past few months is that#some people might not even realize they are doing this#and i feel like on twt it's so bad#especially with the whole 'you have to stream or you are bad fan' time of mentality#that it ended up creating this environment of having to do#everything for these idols no matter what#some people are so against boycotts bc of this#and have a very unhealthy relationship with stanning culture#and i say this from a very personal experience but#my view on stanning groups change drastically the moment i started to be on tumblr full time#and i remember the exact moment where i thought wow i've been#doing it wrong this whole time and that's why i was so miserable#i will not go into details bc this is getting long#but i do intent to do an extended essay (sorta kinda) about this soon#bc i feel like it's something that we need to sincerely discuss#and how awful it is to perpetuate these behaviors#tris.txt
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lmao I cast spell of christians mind their own fucking business and stop proselytizing and recognize that a video game isn't real life you fucking floppy bananas
#my whole life I've dealt with these people#leave me alone!!!!!#you're only doing the cult's strategy of othering yourself when you bother people like that and get rejected#which means you retreat back to your in group and go wow everyone outside of my group MUST be as bad as they say#it's literally a strategy to keep you in their group#they are making you be weird to others on purpose so people don't like you#so that your stay and listen to the church#anyway whatever leave me tf alone#a hex upon ye and all that
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self-isolation during times of stress is pretty bad actually shame it took me 2 years of uni to realise this
#not to be cringe but i ended up joining the people on my course today when our lecturer didn't show and one girl was getting on with work#so sat at the same table but not talking to the rest of us#we were having a whole rant session about third year optional modules and i said something that made the others laugh & she was smiling#to herself @ it#u are trying to be serious studying over in the corner but i got u sjhbjkhbsd#they're such nice people and i wish i'd been proactive in becoming friends at the start#because my lecture skipping meant i never gave myself the chance to do so and they all moved on ahead of me#i can talk to them any time and they're always so lovely but i'm not in the core group#and i've done that to myself#:(( hopefully next year .... she says again#i see them often in lectures but not outside of that much and it's my own fault that now i'm at a point where it's weird to request to join#outside of lectures i mean#but today i asked and it was fine <3 small steps#for someone so prone to removing myself entirely from everyone around me#:/ my default is to assume that nobody wants me there and i can rarely gather the strength to be there anyway#deep deep issue that one!! because it extends to my parents#need to shut up and get one with work wow
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i’ve been sort of unintentionally sitting on most of my only friends opinions but really they largely just amount to ‘thank you, she was perfect, if you get it you get it, if you don’t you don’t.’
#one day i’ll get bored and just write an entire thesis called ‘in ardent defence of only friends’ and it will be my magnum opus#and/or just me rambling about the immense attention to detail and deliberateness in all the decisions and the way the show set everything#up piece by piece like an interesting and fun little puzzle#that it’s not supposed to be a manifesto it’s just supposed to be a 12 episode snapshot into four insane months in this group of young#people’s lives. and that viewing the characters and relationships as early 20-somethings through the eyes of a slightly older and more#experienced lens (like once you’re out of your 20s and removed enough away from that time) feels like a big part of#why i found the experience as a whole so gratifying#it’s like looking back at your youth and saying wow we really lived like this#idk it’s not gonna hit the same for everyone and that’s ok but#to me it was by far the most interesting use of a university setting in a bl imo imo imo#show: only friends#only friends the series
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I’m on Twitter to see anime titties and vtuber tweets why the fuck does it keep pushing alt-right tweets, hate speech, and videos of graphic violence at me?
#No amount of ‘show me less of this’ has made them show me less of any of this by the way#fucking abysmal website#on twitter even if I block one shithead it doesn’t matter because there are always immediately more of them directly down the dash#and on tumblr I can be like ‘well that’s just one maladjusted individual at least they don’t have any power over me’#but on twitter it’s like. These are very real people with like. Their faces and names sometimes in the profile.#the worst#I am so sick of seeing these people spread lies about other groups who they know nothing and care nothing about#I saw a whole thread of people being like ‘Wow they’ll call anyone a nazi these days just for believing things nazis believe’#‘they call anyone a nazi just for saying several dogwhistles in this very tweet’#and they seem so smugly superior for it#It’s killing me#which I’m sure is what they want. 😕
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vent
#new years eve will be spent at a friend's house but the couple whose house it is#i am happy for the invite and consider them friends but one is an ex i just acknowledge I'll always feel a bit awkward around#it's just difficult that i know i would thrive in an environment that i can feel more... open and poly and flirtatious?#i am more comfortable around friends i can make stupid jokes with and joke about gay sex and kiss a bit#well the friends i am most comfortable with i also fuck sjdjfjfh#but anyways. they are friends of mine but I can't be casually hugging or get cozy with#I'm a girl who gets a lot of crushes i guess. i see people and think they're so wonderful and unique and just#im so wowed by how rich and meaningful every person's life is#but i also get a lot of heartache from most crushes not being reciprocated but what can you do#there's a whole friend group of like 20 queer people i tried to befriend after the last 6 months of trying my best but didn't pan through#times like this make parts of me worried that I'm just not particularly interesting to others but it's just luck and circumstances#might move to Colorado and i hope for better luck#vent
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the desperate urge to compliment someone online I think is super gorgeous and absolute Butch Goals Vs the utter terror of coming across creepy or making them feel surveilled or voyeured about: FIGHT
#red said#this is why I'm so bad at flirting. bc before i initiate contact with ANYONE I have to go through a 6 month panic period#where i run through scripts in my head and worry about coming off as weird or creepy or parasocial#and the longer that goes on the more sure i am that if i speak to them they will immediately know that bc of this anxiety#i have spent thinking about them. not bc I'm obsessed with them but bc i am concerned about how weird it might make them feel#and then I'm also like WOW NARCISSISTIC OF YOU TO THINK THEY'LL EVEN NOTICE YOUR COMMENT#LET ALONE CARE#god you are truly the WORST what an AWFUL way to think why can't you just be NORMAL#and the whole time the 'creepy' thing i wanted to say in the first place was like#'you're really cool' or 'i love your jacket' or 'i hope you're ok'#it isn't just attraction stuff either. i have invited a friend from work out for a drink ONCE in my life.#and it took a year AND only happened bc she was upset after a conflict at work so i could tell she needed to vent#like I'm SO BAD at this bc large or small any kind of initiating contact is like#wow ok so YOU THINK. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR TIME. YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THEM ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT.#and it's so ANNOYING cause it's like. my dude. nobody thinks that about you. you have friends. most people like compliments.#and anyway when i do give compliments it's always in the most casual way possible bc of these anxieties#i don't ever want anyone to feel like. trapped by my regard.#but it's so dumb it's literally the tiniest smallest things#it's why I've always been bad at making friends online. i just silently follow people's blogs and like things.#i have also been known to do the IRL version of that. hovering near the edge of people's groups trying to like. mentally project regard.#which GUESS WHAT!!! comes off way creepier than just saying hey man you look amazing i love your whole vibe#AAAAAAAAAA#(davide this is also why i followed your blog so hard for like 500 years but got very afraid of ever acknowledging you might know who i am)
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how it feels to post a sad music link and get over 2 likes
#+2 likes and we’re basically a group therapy session like cmon now#anyways. sorry i’ve been gone the whole fucking day basically#i nearly came so close to live-blogging my entire random emotional break and i was like. wow. i kinda gotta get it together#idk why i’m saying sorry like people rely on my blog content to live but yknow#i still have not fully gotten it together obviously i can’t do that in one afternoon but watching youtube. was fun.#ANYWAY. who cares. I HAVE SPOTIFY LINKS that’s what matters#srsly though i might take a longer break soonish with my parents pushing college stuff at me all at once + having to start classes soon +#making sure i don’t actually have a huge visible breakdown so yeah ig we’ll see. but i also like having fun here. i’m talking to the void hi#again idk why i’m. announcing that like people rely on my dumb posts to live their lives. idfk#did this accidentally turn into a vent post shit now i actually gotta post good music links#my text#🩻 <- i like this emoji
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Yo what the fuuuuck happened to my friends?
Obvi if you can see this it's not you, you're still lovely <3 this is about old work and college friends
#just have had like peoples personality flip a whole ass 180 lately. like my genuinely good dude friend now is hella far right#another friend just straight up being an asshole to me about shit i have no control over#like bud the shit you got going on i had nothing to do with and i sympathize but youre at a 10 and you need to bring it to a 3.#and im just like? idk i miss my high school group in a way cause i know theyre all still good people#now im over here dodging drama bullshit left and right like its a job and man i do not want a part of it.#like im sorry a friend of yours is now competing in your same space and stealing your ideas that sucks.#but i didnt do that and im not even in that space.#im also sorry that i asked your opinion on my shit and it doesnt vibe with your business model#but you didnt need to shit on it because YOU cant see YOURSELF making money on it#because its NOT FOR YOU! its mine dude.#and the right wing friend oh my god i dont even know how they got so fucking lost in the sauce and im feeling insane about it#just wow. yikes. i gotta meet new people and reconnect with older friends.
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A guy will be like 'I'm going to take a 2 hour long train ride so I can come see you" and ill still be wondering if I somehow forced him into it over text and if he really wants to see me
EDIT: AS I WAS WRITING THIS HE ASKED IF I NEED SOMEWHERE TO STAY AND OFFERED HIS HOUSE WHAT THE FUCK
#like if i did that it would be normal i do that for everyone#but when he does it im like oh no did i force it on him#post edit tags#so maybe he does want to see me#then again our whole friend group is like this#if i showed up in tajikistan tomorrow i know id be given a bed and some goat cheese#oh wow#people like me#people want to meet me#what the fuck#might be the strangest thing about my life right now lol#okay so my doubts were literally extinguished as i posted this i need to show sad jay this later#for rainy days
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I just remembered that I was going to shuffle my queue and I never got to (thanks to my wonderful body) so now instead of the never ending queue of a bunch of fandoms, it's the never ending queue of supernatural...
#virus rambling#theres other things in there i swear#it's just i queued everything for the separate fandoms in groups and as the stuff pops up on my dash#and so i was like okay i need to shuffle it once it gets to the end of the last shuffled batch#wich was exactly on Thanksgiving the 24 that i came to the hospital so...#i'm sorry for the people getting bombarded my supernatural posts that have it blacklisted XD#if mobile had the shuffle button for the queue trust me i would use it#like yes i understand that the whole 'you followed me so you know some supernatural stuff was going to pop up'#but this is just like non-stop supernatural XD#i even was like 'wow thats a lot of spn' as i was scrolling back to find a post from a day or two ago#oh the fun of mobile tumblr vs web tumblr#does web on mobile have the little shuffle button?#i don't think it does cause the last i vhecked it wasn't there....#let me see...#if not it'll continue to be the never ending queue of supernatural until it reaches the end of all of those post#or until i escape the hospital
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