#but a friend of mine has made me much more aware of it recently

[nadas-dirthalen]

Dragon Age: the Veilguard Was Packed with Lore — But Many of Us Overlooked It

— PART ONE — [ 2 ]

Welcome back, friends and travellers. If you've been here a while, you'll know that I wrote 30,000 words of predictions in the week and a half before DA:tV released. But here's the most surprising thing—I was right, for the most part.

I spent my first Veilguard playthrough grinning (and then sobbing) at all the lore reveals. And here's the thing: I think most of us missed a lot of them, including even me.

So let's begin with...

Titans: Dark and Light, Compassion and Rage, the Eternal Hymn and its Endless Listeners (1/2)

This is your warning: This post will contain spoilers for the entirety of Dragon Age: the Veilguard, and all Dragon Age content made before Veilguard.

Alright, pals. If you've been here a while, you know how this goes. I always start by listing what we're going to cover, like anyone who's never fully recovered from academia.

Today's Discussion:

What Veilguard (Re)Taught Us about the Titans

The Titans the first Shapers of the known world.

The Titans are beings of the Abyss.

The Titans are sleeping, dormant—but alive.

Dwarves are the Titans' children, created to tend them.

The Evanuris mined the Titans' bodies to create people.

The Titans—the Earth—fought back.

What Veilguard (Re)Taught Us about the Titans

The best thing about Dragon Age, as someone who loves the series to death, is that its worldbuilding is consistent, but also bears the unique quality that we, as players, are not aware of it all. Our protagonists in each game don't know everything; the people they learn from also don't know everything. We learn what we can through codices that are all biased and need an extra layer of decoding. This is a feature, not a bug.

It also means that we did not know how to understand the Titans before. Even my 30,000 words of theorycrafting, especially my piece all about the Titans, had elements of speculation. I had to check that speculation against other sources like the Chant of Light, which is a source that we REALLY did not know how to decode when it was revealed piece by piece in DAO, DA2, World of Thedas, and Inquisition.

Here, I'm going to break it all down, piece by piece.

The Titans were the first Shapers of the (known) world.

It is said in the Descent DLC that Titans are enormous beings whose singing shapes the world. Their existence predates much of Thedas, if not all of it. The Titans are called the first Shapers for this reason, and in Veilguard it is restated several times over that they did, indeed, shape the world—for instance, by Cole in Inquisition.

"Their ancient shapers were mountains drawn of all their wills, walking their memories into valleys of the world." —Cole dialogue.

Inquisition told us so much more about the Titans than just that, though. The Titans have a realm all their own, a counterpart to the Fade, mentioned over and again in the Chant of Light and referenced as a quest name in Inquisition.

Here lies the abyss: the well of all souls.

The Titans are beings of the Abyss.

Now, it's important that I mention right here that the Chant of Light has existed long before Inquisition. In fact, its tale is what opens DA:O as the game begins. Recently Eurogamer stated that BioWare has had a massive lore document for the 20+ years of its existence, and I believe that there is no truer example of this than in the Chant of Light itself.

The Abyss, for a long time, was a mystery to us. Inquisition cleared it up a lot—not only with its game content, but with World of Thedas' publication shortly thereafter.

Not only is the Abyss referred to in many elven codices, but we go there. The key locations of the Descent DLC—the Forgotten Caverns, Bastion of the Pure, and the Wellspring—are in a region called the Uncharted Abyss.

Now, with Harding, we go deeper into the Deep Roads than the average dweller. The same is true in that instance: venture down far enough, and we reach a Titan's heart.

We find a Titan's heart there. But the Titan does not wake—none have before DA:tV, and even then, they have not fully woken. Because, for as long as we have known...

The Titans are sleeping, dormant—but alive.

"It's singing. A they that's an it that's asleep, but still making music." — Cole dialogue.

There is so much Cole dialogue in Inquisition that speaks on the sleeping Titans, on their old songs that once sang the same, on how they will never wake up, that it would be folly to try and post every codex here. Suffice it to say: Cole knows of the Titans, knows of their songs, and knows they are asleep. He is one of the pathways to our knowledge of the Titans in Inquisition, and his words are peppered throughout the game.

The Chant of Light also makes reference to a mountainous Maker, who oft speaks about a forgotten mountain. When Andraste meets the Maker "in darkness unbroken," specifically, these words are used:

The Maker Appears to Andraste (7) Eyes sorrow-blinded, in darkness unbroken There 'pon the mountain, a voice answered my call. "Heart that is broken, beats still unceasing, An ocean of sorrow does nobody drown. — Andraste 1:7

Heart that is broken, beats still unceasing — a being who has been broken, but whose heart still beats. We can hear that, in the Descent DLC.

Veilguard confirms that both sources are true through Harding, her personal quest, and the codices for the Dwarven people.

Records that exist outside of Orzammar mention "great sleeping Titans" and "the First Ancestors." — Codex Entry: Harding's Notes: Orzammar and Titans

Harding's experiences in Veilguard, in this way, serve to prove Cole right. That is a deliberate narrative choice: BioWare's way of saying, Yes, this is true. Yes, you should take Cole's take on Titans as correct.

We also know, from Cole, that this state of being is permanent. Not only are the Titans asleep, but they don't know how to wake.

Songs screaming far away. It wants to wake up but can't remember how. No one should be here. — Cole dialogue.

This becomes crucial information in Veilguard, and central to the main plot. It serves as the backdrop for what actually matters most to the characters living in Thedas right now, which is...

Dwarves are the Titans' children, created to tend them.

By now, a lot of people have seen this reveal in the art book: the dwarves were created to tend to their Titan hosts/makers. But we knew this before—we just didn't know it in context, and therefore we did not believe it to be objectively true of Thedas.

In truth, we've known about the elves and the dwarves' origin since the Chant of Light came out in full with World of Thedas volume 2.

At last did the Maker From the living world Make men. Immutable, as the substance of the earth, With souls made of dream and idea, hope and fear, Endless possibilities. — Threnodies 5:5

I talk about it in more depth in my Chant of Light dissection, but what this verse says in context is that the dwarves (the Maker's second children) are beings crafted by the maker: bodies made of lyrium, souls made of the same "dream and idea, hope and fear" as the original spirits.

This concept has already been massively hinted toward with both Valta (who has become The Oracle in DA:tV) and Dagna, who both connect to isatunoll during Descent and Inquisition's base game, respectively.

We've known about the Evanuris' horrible crimes since before Inquisition, as well, for the same reason and from the same verses in the Chant of Light.

Until, at last, some of the firstborn said: "Our Father has abandoned us for these lesser things. We have power over heaven. Let us rule over earth as well And become greater gods than our Father." (8) The demons appeared to the children of earth in dreams And named themselves gods, demanding fealty. — Threnodies 5

With the context given to us by Trespasser and Veilguard, we know without a doubt that the Evanuris are those "jealous spirits" that comprise the Maker's first children.

And just like the Chant describes, they sought to conquer the earth: the realm of the Titans.

The Evanuris mined the Titans' bodies to create people.

Trespasser taught us so much of what we needed to know about the Evanuris' and Titans' conflicts. Its codices in the Deep Roads outline how it was Mythal, specifically, creating some of the first elves in the coffins found in that zone. The Temple of Solasan features coffins of the exact same kind.

Ir sa tel'nal Mythal las ma theneras Ir san'a emma Him solas evanuris Da'durgen'lin Banal malas elgara Bellanaris, bellanaris. — Codex: Torn Notebook in the Deep Roads, Section 3

My (updated) translation: Isatunoll Mythal gives you dreams Lyrium within Becomes Solas evanuris Little stone boy You give nothing to the Titan (anymore) Forever, forever.

Trespasser reveals that Mythal mined the bodies of slain titans and rendered their demesne unto the People: she conquered Titans and used their bodies for her own ends. The hints about these actions, however, are not exclusive to Trespasser, nor to Solasan. These seeds were planted all the way back at the Temple of Mythal.

Elgar'nan, Wrath and Thunder, Give us glory. Give us victory, over the Earth that shakes our cities. Strike the usurpers with your lightning. Burn the ground under your gaze. Bring Winged Death against those who throw down our work. Elgar'nan, help us tame the land.

This codex to Elgar'nan makes reference to Elgar'nan giving victory over the Earth (capital-E, the Titans). Trespasser would follow this up with much context—that it was Mythal who was first known to have slain Titans, "rendering their demesne unto the People."

I theorized that Mythal's mining of Titans for lyrium to make elvhen bodies was what angered the Titans, based on codices in Trespasser and the Temple of Solasan. (I go into much more depth there!) Veilguard confirms this theory in Solas' Memory #4: A Memory of Manifestation.

Solas: I have the Fade. Besides, this talk of taking on a solid form. When you took the glowing stone to build your body, did the earth not shake? Mythal: The lyrium gives us the strength we had when we were of the Fade. We are the best of physical and spirit.

Mythal's crime was what took the war with the Titans in a new, darker direction. It was what would set off the chain of events that would change the very nature of the world—and it was foreshadowed, back in Inquisition, by Cole.

The Titans—the Earth—fought back.

"They made bodies from the earth, and the earth was afraid. It fought back, but they made it forget." — Cole dialogue.

In this post, I theorized that it was Solas' creation itself that caused the first Titan to "go red." That is to say, to change its nature and fight back. I used codices from Trespasser and Solasan to get there, as well as one paragraph from World of Thedas and this codex on Fen'Harel that describe the Forgotten Ones as "beings of terror, malice, spite, and pestilence."

Thinking about those words, and specifically terror, I read the codex in the secret Deep Roads room in Trespasser with fresh perspective.

For a moment, the scent of blood fills the air, and there is a vivid image of green vines growing and enveloping a sphere of fire. The vision grows dark. An aeon seems to pass. Then the runes crackle, as if filled with an angry energy. A new vision appears: elves collapsing caverns, sealing the Deep Roads with stone and magic. Terror, heart-pounding, ice-cold, as the last of the spells is cast.

Terror. The first of the turned Titans. The fire/plant/ice imagery also caught my eye, and when I went back to Solasan to check, there were many hints that this was, indeed, where Terror came into being. (For more, go look at the most recently linked post in this section!)

Huge implications for Solas aside, what this codex taught me is that Titans' natures could change. This was confirmed in Veilguard many times over, yes—but my point here is that Inquisition taught this to me, just a few days before I gained the context of Veilguard. This was never a retcon! However, this lore plays exactly to BioWare's rules: we did not have the full context, and so almost no one read that Deep Roads codex as it was meant to be interpreted—including me, the first few times I read it!

It was only when I'd seen the achievement icons before Veilguard's release that it all clicked for me. All of the lore of Inquisition and everything before it made sense. That was never a bug, never a retcon, but a genius twist on BioWare's behalf: one that almost no one guessed at for an entire decade.

One that changes everything.

Titans, we know for certain now, behave as spirits. Obscure hints in World of Thedas, Inquisition, and the previous games have been confirmed in Veilguard. This new understanding changes not just the Titans, not just the dwarves, but reframes everything we know about the entire history of Thedas and how its magic system works.

______

Thank you for reading! It means a lot when people engage with these. And don't worry: I'm not nearly through with them. It's taken me a while to compile everything, but with more of Veilguard added to the wiki every day, it's a lot easier to compile things for these posts!

(Immense thanks to the wiki staff, of course. <3)

Up Next: Titans and Spirits are far more similar than we think, and it means everything.

[bloggingboutburgers]

this past week my qpp of almost two years broke up with me. and i know for you, you said you wouldn't necessarily feel heartbroken if your qpr came to an end, but for me, it felt more heartbreaking than some of my past romantic breakups. this whole thing made me wonder if maybe im not queerplatonic or aro enough to be in a qpr, or if id ever want to be in a qpr again. but seeing you post about your qpr gives me hope that queerplatonic love is something that i can experience fully. so thank you for always sharing your story, because that's what's helping me heal right now <3

Aah, to be perfectly honest, as much as I sorta "downplay" it compared to what it must feel for people who experience romantic attraction... I've had a time where I almost felt like I couldn't go on with my QPP as well and the sheer thought of it was really hard to bear too, so my words here aren't necessarily being very fair to the reality of things.

It was during the travel ban of March 2020 to November 2021 where citizens of my country and others weren't allowed to enter the US unless we spent 15 days in a country that wasn't banned. It made it much harder than usual to visit my partner and as it was nearing 2 years with nobody aware it was going on anymore and US people more concerned about whether they'd be able to have turkey for Thanksgiving, my hope was running really thin. So for a few days in mid-October, as I was at rock bottom, I was starting to write in passing to my partner about how maybe going on wasn't worth it because the separation was too hard on us, it wasn't showing signs of stopping, and the whole thing maybe wasn't worth the pain if they could live their life happily and not have to worry about me who couldn't visit.

And then we videocalled at some point, and when they tearfully told me that even if it did end then and there, they wanted me to keep the promise ring they'd recently given me, I suddenly felt a quiet rage in me going like "No. Fuck this. Look at them. I love them. And I love this too much to allow some cruel governmental decision to end it. If it ever ends, it'll be because WE want it to end. Not because of shit like this."

...I'm making it sound super dramatic but yeah long story short this is also a big reason why we're planning to get married. So that when the US government decides to put a ban on countries including mine again, they can't stop us from vibing together this time.

I guess... I still don't wanna 100% assume we'll be together forever because I don't wanna trap them in a situation they may no longer feel happy in. We're doing great now, but I still have it in the back of my mind that maybe someday they'll get sick of me (they say they never will and that'd be dope if they never did, but never say never and all), or we'll both just want other things, and if it ends like that, then... Yeah, that'd be alright. Much more alright than the way it almost ended.

(...Oh, and for the record, if a friendship of mine ended abruptly, or if my brothers stopped being on good terms with me, I'm pretty sure I'd be just as heartbroken, to be fair. And it'd feel like my reality was collapsing a little. I guess anything ending, any human connection ending, has that effect to a degree, if it's important enough, after all.)

Though describing things like that does make it a bit harder to define what makes it "queerplatonic" as opposed to "romantic", I still... Just have that feeling in my gut that it isn't romance, y'know? It's kinda... A mix between being close friends and being an old married couple without ever having gone through the grandiose passion-honeymoon phase. Maybe that phase IS what defines romance per se. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll find more answers, but it's kinda hard to find answers when you have no idea how romance works to begin with I guess 🙈

In any case... Sorry if I caused any confusion or if I made you question your validity. The thing is pretty simple to be honest: if you feel you're aro, you're veeeeeery likely to BE aro. Because nobody can make that call but you and nobody can name the relationships you have but you. And if amongst everything you even FOUND the words "aro" or "queerplatonic" in a world where those identities and types of relationships are so aggressively hidden or erased, then it's gotta stand for something.

...I guess at the very least THIS I can be certain of TwT Sorry I'm a bit messy about all of this myself, I'm still also going on about it trying to figure it out day by day, but I owed it to you and everyone to be honest. These things are hard to define and I hope to keep finding better and better words to do so someday. TwT

[i-love-your-shadows-baby]

Issues

Azriel x Reader

Notes: Elain bashing because Nesta is better. This is my first ever fic, so I know that it is rushed and choppy.

**Angsty, implied sex, language**

Living in Velaris, or 'The City of Starlight' as most call it, is a dream. I've been here going on 200 years. I moved from Autumn court when I made good friends with Rhysand, High Lord of the Night Court. I've loved every second of my life here. The 50 years without Rhys were tough, but of all the places to be trapped...

I felt horrible trying to be happy while Rhys was enslaved to she who may not be named. Vile bitch she was, but now he is back. With his mate in tow no less. I am so incredibly happy for him. He deserves every second with her. I know how it feels to find your mate. Rhys introduced me to mine. His very own Spymaster, Azriel. The most beautiful man to ever walk, fly, talk, breathe. The perfect mate who never lets a day go by without letting me know how cherished I am. He is also my anchor. The power that I wield within me is a raging fire that I am still struggling to control. The fire fuels my emotions which can get out of hand fast if I don't get myself in check. One touch from my mate though, I'm instantly soothed. His shadows wrap around me like a soft, cooling blanket.

Unfortunately, with recent events, my poor mate has had to do this regularly. With Rhys sending him on extremely dangerous missions where he comes home tired and bloody to Elain, Feyre's sister, flirting with him right in front of me. I'm not jealous, but the fucking disrespect is enough to enrage me. One night though.... I had had enough.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the library with Nesta reading. We liked to read books and gush over them later. Specifically, scenarios we would like to play out with our oh so willing mates. I paused when I felt a pull on the bond letting me know Az was back from his recent mission.

"To be continued." I sang to Nesta who just nodded her head in acknowledgement and kept reading.

*Where are you my love?* I sent down the bond. *In the garden* He sent back.

I all but ran to the garden. I had missed my mate dearly. Nesta and I's previous conversation not helping the situation at all.

When I stepped into the garden, I saw Azriel with a small, thoughtful smile on his beautiful face. A flower behind his ear, but not just any flower. A red camellia. The same flower that decorated our bed the night we consummated our bond. The flower that represents our love.

Thinking he was reminiscing about us, I made my way slowly to try and surprise him (it's the thought that counts, you can't sneak up on a Spymaster, let alone a Shadowsinger.) His shadows were immediately swirling around me in greeting. When I drew closer, hidden behind the ornate fountain was Elain. She was holding the red camellias in her hands that were extended towards Azriel. I know he knew the meaning behind that flower, and I'm well aware she did too.

Burning rage took over me at the look on her face. Completely infatuated with my mate with those damned flowers in her hand. How dare she make a move like this on my mate. She has Lucien to ogle over and give flowers to. Where the fuck was he? The shadows sensing my irritation started swirling faster with a slight vibration.

I closed in on them and Azriel felt my fury through the bond as a hiss left my mouth. He turned to me wide-eyed, confused as to why I was so furious. That just seemed to piss me off more. The shadows were trying to sooth me, but failed. My hands were shaking, trying to leash my power that was begging to be let out. Begging to blast this bitch where she stood.

"Hey kitten, what got you so worked up?" Azriel said worriedly using the pet name I loved so much.

I was too focused on the flowers in his hands that he had accepted to respond. I looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes with a tight smile.

"What beautiful flowers, love," I said with every ounce of sarcasm I could muster up, "They express ones love and desire to another."

I reached for the flower behind his ear. His brows furrow slightly as I turn toward Elain. Her breath hitched; she knew she'd been caught. She looked slightly terrified. Good. "And just what the fuck do you think you're doing? What are you trying to achieve here?" Elain just stared at me. Not moving, not blinking. "Did you think you were smart? That I wouldn't know what the intent of giving these flowers is?" She still just stared at me. "ANSWER ME!!" I snarled at her. Elain yelped and looked to Azriel for help. I let out a low growl. My control slowly waning.

I felt Azriel's shock through the bond. I glanced over to him to see him looking between me, the flowers, and Elain. "Elain...." Azriel said hesitantly.

"I love you, Azriel!" Elain shouted, "I don't want to marry Lucien, I don't love him! I want you; I love you! Remember that night...that night you held me when I was crying about how unfair everything was? How I didn't ask for any of this! You consoled me and I felt something between us. I know that something is there! Just because you have a mate, doesn't mean you have to love them! I know that! I'm trying to make you see that too!" Elain fell to her knees crying.

What a sad, delusional, dramatic witch. Hearing her insinuate that there was something between them, that she could convince him to leave me was my breaking point. My control snapped. A roaring sound that I have never heard myself make before reached my ears as I lunged for her. She tripped and fell to the ground trying to get away. I grabbed her hair and yanked her head back to look at me. "I am going to kill you. You are absolutely fucking delusional. You know that? To think my mate would actually leave me for you?!? YOU?!? You're not pretty enough to be that fucking stupid." Azriel tried to touch me, but my skin was searing hot. His shadows weren't having any luck either. I could smell Elain's hair burning in my grasp. My other hand was going for her throat. I was going to watch my hand slowly burn through her neck until she was no longer living.

Right before my hand made contact, I felt Azriel wrap himself around me. His giant wings pushing Elain away, her hair still attached to my hand. I started thrashing in his hold, and my bloodlust not yet quenched. I kept thrashing until I felt a searing pain through the bond. I was hurting him... My skin was so hot that I was burning him! I immediately stopped and turned into him. His face was scrunched up in pain, burns on his arms and chest.

"Azriel....Az...Oh my...what fuck did I do...Az...I- I'm so sorry" Tears flooded my vision as I looked at him. My mate. My beautiful mate. My mate, who dislikes fire because of what it could do...what it DID to him... He was already starting to heal, but the damage was done. I told him he'd never have to worry about my fire, that I would never hurt him. Not after he told me what happened when he was just a child. But here we are...In that exact situation.

I hated myself. Hated how I let this stupid power control my emotions so strongly. My hands shook as I reached out to touch him. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry...I-I didn't mean to...I hurt you...Oh god, I'm so sorry!"

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm here, I'm fine. Baby, shhh, I'm fine. " Azriel tried to console me, but I didn't deserve that. I shouldn't be so easily forgiven. I know I'll never forgive myself. I tried to step away, but he grabbed me and brought me into his chest. Arms wrapped tightly around me, burns completely healed. I was sobbing and shaking in his arms. Babbling 'I'm sorrys' mind completely empty besides the fact that I hurt him. Azriel picked me up, and we disappeared into the shadows. Leaving Elain by herself.

He took us to our bedroom. I felt him sit on our bed. I moved to straddle him, put my face on his shoulder, and held him. He put his hands on my hips and rubbed his thumbs in circles to sooth me. It had never gone that far before. I've never snapped like that. I was too ashamed to lift my head and look at him.

He shifted under me. "Baby....kitten, look at me..." Not being in the right head space to deny him, I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. They were so filled with love but also concern. Seeing that made the tears come again. "Hey, hey, none of that, okay. I'm fine, we're fine." He whispered. His hands as well as the shadows were caressing me.

"I'm sorry, Az. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I promised you that I would never...I promised that you would never feel my fire." "I know, kitten. You didn't hurt me. I'm fine, see?" Azriel held his arms out, "All fine, now... I know Elain gets to you sometimes, and I know the meaning of the flowers. What I don't know is what made you erupt like that." I bit my lip and looked back down. His fingers caught my chin and lifted my gaze to his.

"Kitten...." I knew that tone, knew that I needed to listen. "We accepted our mating bond with those flowers. We made love on a bed with the petals of that flower underneath us. Our house is decorated with those flowers. They symbolize our love, our bond. Seeing her give you those flowers and you accepting them....It made me...I didn't want you to start thinking of her when you saw them. Now you definitely will because this mess. It's stupid, I know."

"It's not." Azriel interrupted, "It's not, but kitten, you were the only thing that I was thinking about when she handed me those flowers. About our bond and our month-long mating frenzy." he got a twinkle in his eye and smirked at the ping of arousal he felt shoot through me at the thought of all the ways he took me during our frenzy. All the things he and his shadows made me experience.

"It may have looked different from an outsiders' point of view, and it took me a second to react to everything. I was so shocked by the fury I felt through the bond." I leaned my forehead against his. "I'm sorry." I breathed. "I'm really going to try and get better at controlling how much my power affects my emotions. I'll see someone if I have to. I don't want anything like this happening again."

Azriel hummed in agreement. A strange look taking over his face. "We will figure that out later. Right now, Rhys is requesting our presence." I gulped and looked at him. "I don't know if I can face him right now. I'm still a little too worked up." I gave my mate a heated stare. "Think you can fuck it out of me before we see him?"

He chuckled darkly, his shadows already untying my dress. "Oh kitten, I'm going to do so much more than that."

[cloudyskiiees]

ok i cant control myself here’s me infodumping about my stardew valley x tdi fic idea:

-first few chapters are all noah’s perspective. he lives in a small run down town called stardew valley, working at the library with their shitty museum attached. he has a couple old books of his on display, but nothing more. rumors of a new farmer coming to town arise, he doesn’t think much of it.

-until he sees the farmer after he’s moved there. he’s pretty, sure, but he’s… weird.

-the farmer waits around like he knows where people are gonna be at a certain time. he’s scarily good at collecting new gems and minerals for the museum, he’s even better at fighting in the mines, where most people don’t dare to go.

-he knows what everyone likes without even asking.

-this all gets annoying because noah hasn’t learned anything about the farmer, other than his name. alejandro.

-he can’t shake the feeling something is wrong with the new farmer.

-so he starts being a bit meaner. refusing gifts he loves, even if it almost seems to pain him to do so. he’s gotten to the point he can outright refuse to let alejandro donate to the museum! it brings him satisfaction to see the looked on the farmers face, but he can’t deny something inside him feels horribly wrong whenever he… acts out.

-eventually we get an alejandro pov. and the entirety of “stardew valley” is a video game. none of the characters we’ve been following or learning about are real, not even the farmer noah knows. he’s simply a made up character.

-alejandro is pissseddd because something is wrong with his newest save! he had made a brand new one to attempt and speed run it, having the summer off from college and finally being miles and miles away from his family breathing down his neck.

-so what is this characters deal all the sudden?

-the new dialogue noah says, he can’t find it anywhere online. he didn’t know characters could refuse gifts they loved, or even in general!

-when the librarian refuses to let him donate his recent finds to the museum, he makes it his mission to figure out how this is happening.

-he gets his local tech “friend” Sierra to take a look and observe the game, hoping she can figure out what’s wrong. he doesn’t exactly like the girl but…. she’s really smart when it comes to certain things. especially her favorite video game.

-noah continues to question the other townsfolk, but starts realizing that… they all kind of act the same. have the same responses. routines.

-he realizes he does too.

-izzy is the only other self aware character inside of the game, noah nearly strangled her when she told him she’s known for a long time.

rest of the story is sierra and alejandro realizing the characters are becoming self aware, and being like WTFFFF especially since they all start having distinct reactions and dialogues once sierra takes over alejandro’s farmer for a bit, seeing as they act very different.

this story would likely not have a super happy ending since ya know, most of the characters aren’t real. but i love fucking around with grey idea things like knowing ur trapped inside a game forever, but also loving the people and life you have in there! as well as ofc the eventual angst involved once feelings become a thing noah has for alejandro, seeing as he knows he’s real, and the farmer he plays as will never actually be him.

[sehtoast]

Tender Threads Ch 9 (Homelander x OC)

chapter nine: awakenings

chapter directory | slow burn, hurt/comfort, fluff, spidersona as original character, original trans male character, smut, sublander

summary: the world hasn't always been good to you, has it, little spider?

warnings: this chapter contains attempted/foiled SA against a minor, recollections of SA by a main character, and themes of hate-crimes

“– and now that menace is trying to corrupt our greatest hero!”

He fades into the world before his eyes even open.  There’s an awareness of most things.  A body beside him, fuzzy blankets beneath the palm of his hand, a pillow that his face is half sunken into, warmth…

“These arachnid types are all the same!”

And that damn voice…

He blinks slowly, eyelids heavy with the weight of rest the likes of which he hasn’t had in… well, he doesn’t know, really.  Before him is his little spider, phone aloft in his limp hand playing on the lowest volume setting and looping what seems to be a podcast of some sort.

“Junkies, thieves, dangers to society!”

Despite the vitriol, Benjamin seems to have fallen back asleep.  Homelander slips the phone out of his hand and squints.  8:45 in the morning… not quite time to start their day, but certainly a lot later than he normally sleeps.  Not that it matters terribly much.  Friday meetings always happened later in the day.  Other than a photoshoot at two, their day was mostly clear.  

Mostly.

“And now one’s in The Seven!  What were they thinking!?”

The Bugle.  Some low ranking news podcast channel he’s heard of in media demos that constantly begs for him to come on as a guest.  Homelander rolls his eyes.  This guy was less than shit in grass, but, all things considered, shit served more of a purpose.  Just a washed up old editor for a disbanded newspaper company whose name he recycled shortly after they had to close up shop.  Desperate for anything that could lift his views, even if it was just a rank amateur D-lister from some shithole like Cleveland.

Jonamy Ameson was no ordinary angry old man, it seemed.  As Homelander scrolled the VTok page, it appeared that he had a massive personal vendetta against Spider-Man.

“I don’t want that kind of filth swinging around the streets of this great city– nay, this great nation!” 

Every word was shouted with all of the poise of a tantruming child, fists slammed on his desk to rattle the cheap microphone, fingers pointed into the camera.  If the video wasn’t about Ben, about Spidey, it was about Webweaver, Silk Strider, Arachno-Lad– basically any spider type hero was ripe for the picking, but Ameson’s prime target was always Spidey.  

Interesting… 

“To think Homelander would allow such filth on his team!  The lawlessness of it makes me want to simply vomit!” 

Maybe it was worth booking a slot on his little budgetless production to put Ameson in his place.  For now, though… He has Ben’s phone.  Ben’s unlocked phone.  A quick glance finds the bug still out cold, so he gets to work.

Homelander was no aficionado with technology, but he knew one thing.  A person’s cell phone was an absolute gold mine of secrets.  Texts, photos, search history, all sorts of little obscure things he hasn’t been able to deduce from his secret visits and late night observations.

He starts with texts.  The second to last person Benjamin had texted was his mother and, from the looks of it, the conversation hadn’t been pleasant.

-please talk to your brother. he loves you -

-he’s got a real funny way of showing it - 

-he just doesn’t know how. you’re not being nice -

-the last time i talked to him he made sure to accuse me of being part of ‘tranny predator cabals’ but sure, *i’m* not nice -

The conversation seemed to have died there two days ago.  He backs out and opens the most recent.  In it, he finds Benjamin’s chats with his apparent best friend– the same one Homelander watched him have lunch with so long ago.

-i made Homelander mad, idk what to do -

-Duuuuude -

-help 😭😭 i don’t want him pissed at me! -

-I thought you’d want him at a distance after the stalking bullshit -

-i meaaan a few weeks ago yeah, but not really now yk? he’s not bad. kinda cool actually. you seen the pics yet of us running around together?

-Just that one from the other day with the car thieves -

The rest is… interesting.  Ben told of their excursions. Of how scared he was the first time they flew but how he’s started loving it so much– how he’s embarrassed to ask but wants to see if ‘Homie’ would ever bring him up above the clouds at night.

-idk does that sound weird? it might be weird -

-It’s a little weird bro. Shit sounds a lil romantical ngl -

-😭😭 -

A little night trip, eh?  He could do that…  But a romantic flight?  That was… something else.  That the bug didn’t deny it was worth a raised eyebrow or two.  Maybe… No.  No, no… he shouldn’t entertain the thought.  But maybe…

He shakes his head to clear his mind.

Benjamin’s gallery is little more than wanted signs and missing person posters, with maybe a shot or two relevant to his actual life.  A few screenshots of stupid social media posts, a picture of the menu from Patsy’s Pizza…

He’s so fucking ordinary.

Homelander half expected to find rantings and ravings about how much the bug detested their time together.  Something to undermine and dispel the illusion of all of this strange kindness.  Hell, he was even hoping to find a nude or two to send to himself and delete the evidence of such from Benjamin’s phone right after– but there’s nothing.  Even his social media is clean.

With a sigh, expelling emotions he can’t even name, Homelander leans over the bug to place the phone on the nightstand.  And that’s fine until he realizes how close that makes them.  The strangest shiver goes down his spine– a need to curl his arm around Ben’s abdomen and tug him nearer and sink into his very existence.

Their faces are so close.  He can practically taste Ben’s breath and he hardly hates that it carries that morning-time smell with only a whisper of the bug’s toothpaste of choice.  His nose should be scrunching in disgust. Every part of him should be reacting that way.  Instead, he stares at Ben’s lips, imagines what it would be like to slot a leg between his and entwine their limbs.

He’s never woken up beside someone before.

Maeve never stayed.  Never wanted to.  The rare fan usually left right after, was far too fucking annoying to keep around, or just… didn’t survive the prior events.  Even in the more innocent sense, like now, he’s never had this. 

What are you doing to me..?

He leans in closer.

Closer… 

The slightest nudge would touch their lips and he’d know if this was all just his mind playing tricks on him or if it was something… 

Something else. 

The fact Benjamin hasn’t startled awake yet is a miracle.

Homelander’s breaths grow unsteady, chest beginning to rise and fall faster and harder, heart hammering within. There’s something forbidden about it all.  A fruit too sweet to taste that screamed for him to do it anyway.  Could he stop himself?  

Should he?

Eve cast mankind from paradise with a mere bite.  Would the same happen here?  If those gentle eyes happened to flutter open and catch him in the act, would he too be thrown from heaven?

He has to know. He has to fucking know right now.

He flinches the moment their lips touch.  It’s as if Benjamin is pure electricity jolting through his very bones, fire through his veins, air in his lungs and it’s all from a mere brush of flesh.  Homelander’s eyes roll and flutter shut.  He goes back a second time, firmer.  It’s a sensation running hot and cold through his entire body all the to the fog of his mind.

He doesn’t move.  Doesn’t glide his lips further nor allow his tongue to swipe out.  He just lingers there, letting every sensation lap at the shores of his heart, mind, and soul.  It was like water in the desert. Food for a man starved.  Freedom for a caged dog.

Pulling away is the hardest thing he’s ever done.  But he can’t risk it.

He cannot be cast out from Eden.

Meetings had gone from a sore spot of anxiety to no more than a time to daydream.  There wasn’t much to it.  Homelander did the same-old-same-old.  He’d ask about saves, about marketing, about media projects, all the regular stuff.  This time, though, he gets to gloat.

“Well, the bug and I got up to some mischief with a few groups of undesirables this past week.”  He says proudly, shoulders back as he preens before the lackluster attention of the team.  “Media’s been eating it up, Home-Spider's been trending for three days straight. Our approval rates hit a hundred percent this morning.  That’s how it’s done, team. ” 

Homelander’s so giddy– happier than usual by a long shot.  Ben wonders what’s gotten into him.  Even their morning together had been incredibly upbeat.  Granted said morning was a matter of waking up, having a laugh about the absurdity of having had a sleepover without discounting that it was actually enjoyable, offering Homelander a lackluster breakfast of cereal– which he politely denied, and seeing him off as he floated back to his penthouse to get put together for the day. But still. 

Waking up beside him had been interesting.  Seeing Homelander with his eyes shut, sleeping peacefully without a trace of stress, sourness, or even a distant, distracted mind warping his expressions was… 

Well, it certainly brewed a nice warm feeling in the bug’s chest.  The entire fact Homelander had shown up last night took Ben totally by surprise, but it spurred the strangest tidal wave of joy.  Maybe because the ice cream apology worked out, but also just knowing he’d flipped the man who once threatened to ruin his life over to a friend was a source of happiness in its own right.  But it was somehow more.

For so long, Ben’s only friend had been Jase. There was only so much the bug could pester him before he would start to feel like a nuisance.  He’s lost so many people to having a dual life and hiding himself.  All the events he’s walked out on to do the right thing, all the people he’s left behind, every text detailing how his absence was too hurtful to tolerate anymore… and even just the relationships that died naturally.  

Although he was, at first, a suffocating force, Homelander has become the freshest breath of air Benjamin has breathed in a very long time.  Strange how the man who destroyed his perfect balance could become such a thing.

“Now,” leather clad hands come down on Ben’s shoulders and jar him from his thoughts.  The grip is gentle– kind, even. “Spidey and I have to get a move on to cover our obligations, but I fully expect to hear good things from everyone when we meet again on Tuesday.”

Once upon a time Ben would have expected those hands to be slowly crushing his bones in a display of dominance, but they do nothing of the sort. In fact, one drops and Homelander splays the other between Ben’s shoulder blades.  Benjamin looks up and smiles, glancing to the side occasionally to watch the others depart.  Maeve’s lingering gaze doesn’t go unnoticed, but he brushes it off.

“We’ve got that photoshoot next, yeah?”  He asks.

Homelander nods.  “Then some more district patrols. Oh, I’ve got a surprise for you too, but you’re gonna have to wait.”

“You wha–” 

“Ah, ah.  No spoiling it.”  Homelander says with a wag of his finger.  “Now, go do whatever it is a spider does.  I’ve got a quick meeting with Madelyn before we leave.”

“Wait, like– it’s a good meeting, right?”  

“Of course, silly.”

Silly?  That’s a new one.

“Just make sure you’re on the roof when I’m done, ‘kay?”  Homelander leans in, brow arched, voice softer and deeper.  “Otherwise I’ll have to hunt you down.”

Ben’s brows raise and his cheeks tingle with a warmth that spreads a little faster through his body than he’d care to admit. “In that case, c-can I just… give you my number then?”  Smooth. “Not to like, y’know– it’s so you can tell me when you’re done and I can–”

“Mm,” Homelander hums, pulling a phone out from god knows where in his suit.  “That sounds like a super idea, actually.”  He leans against the table and hands it off, eyes locked with Ben's.  “Go ahead, put it in.” 

Woah… is he– why’s he being so…

The bug taps away to create the contact, sends himself a message, and hands it back.  Homelander peers at the screen for a moment before snorting a little laugh.  Probably because of the contact name.  

‘Ben 🕷️ 🤠’ 

“Behave yourself, Benjamin.” Homelander says as he stands once more, turning on his heel to leave.  He gets to the door’s threshold before he turns back. “Oh, and don’t put my name in your phone as something weird.  You fuckin’ Gen Z’s are always doing that.”

Oh, now it’s just pure fucking temptation.

“No promises.  Homie.” 

“Hope you didn’t blink.  That’d just make us look bad.”

“I’m wearing a mask, you dipshit!” Ben cackles, releasing one web to tether another.  “What if you blinked, huh?”

“Please,” Homelander scoffs as he floats along.  “I’m perfect.  I would never do such a thing.”

“Suuure. I bet.”  The bug lets off at just the right angle to land on a low building.  On the streets below, students were just letting out from a nearby high school and their far-off chatter filled the air around them.  

Homelander touches down right next to Ben and shoots him a smug look.  The teasing had been going on back and forth since they first left Vought Tower.  Nothing crazy.  In fact, it had all been perfectly good natured.

The day had been absolutely wonderful.  They’d even snagged some churros once the shoot ended and ate them on top of the Empire State Building.  Of course, Homelander complained about the low quality of the ‘meal.’  He was, after all, a man of refined tastes accustomed to steak and lobster and whatever other fancy-pants cuisine the chefs on floor twenty-two cooked up.  

“What, you didn’t know you could do custom orders?”

“No!” Ben whined.  “The fuck?  You mean you can just get anything, and it’s like– it’s free!?”  

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Homelander asked, giving the street vendor food a concerned sniff.

“‘Cuz it’s fuckin’– it’s so fancy, dude!”  The bug throws his head back in theatrical agony.  “My god, I’ve been eating lunchables and ramen this whole time.  What the hell...”

“I don’t– why the fuck would it even matter if cost anything?  It’s not like you’re poor anymore.”

“Old habits, Homie.” Ben gripes.  “Once you’ve lived off’a jarred marinara and dollar store spaghetti for a month because you fucked up your budget, you just kinda get conscious of spending, y’know?”

“Nope.”  Homelander snorts.  “I would not know.  That sounds disgusting.”

“Mm.” Comes a hum that breaks Ben from the joyful memory.  “Sounds like a kerfuffle closer to the school.”

“Wanna check it out?” 

“Just kids,” Homelander says.  “Sounds like the pecking order is just establishing itself.”

The bug just looks at him.

“Fine.”  Homelander grabs Ben at the waist and propels them into the air, zipping all the way to a rooftop overlooking some rank alleyway where a gaggle of youths jeered at another, shoving him back and forth between the circle they’d formed around him.  

“Let’s see it, pussy boy!”

“C’mon, you say you’re a real man!  Shouldn’t be that hard to prove it.”

A girl stands off to the side, phone pointed at the scene while she laughs in gleeful joy.

Ben jumps down with no care to slow his fall. The concrete crackles below him, drawing away all the attention. 

The crowd parts with gasps of awe and horror, and in the center is an older boy frozen in place, hands mid-tug on a younger boy’s shirt.

Benjamin inhales deeply, holds it, then lets it go.  They’re kids– remember that they’re just kids.

The girl holding the phone points it in his direction, quaking.  With a thwip, he snags it from her, throws it to the ground, and crushes it under his heel.  Rage brews in his gut like a poison.  He’s almost confident his knees are trembling almost as much as his balled fists.  It’s all but a mirror fucking image of himself...  Tears bite at his eyes and it takes all he’s got to swallow the lump in his throat between the grinding of his teeth.

The kids flinch with his first step toward them.  By the second, they’re inching their bodies to turn for their inevitable dash from the scene of the crime.  All Ben wants is to grab each of them by the neck and throttle them senseless for what they were doing.

“Go.”  He grits.  “Get the fuck out of here!”

Normally, seeing them throw one another to the wolves and every-man-for-himself-ing it would be amusing.  But not this.  Not now.

The boy they’d been after sniffles and tugs his jacket back in place, zipping it quickly to hide the torn neckline of his shirt that had revealed a garment Benjamin knew all too well.

“Hey it’s– don’t worry now, okay?”  He stammers, approaching slowly.  “They’re gone, and they ain’t coming back.  This yours?” Ben asks, nodding his head in the direction of scattered books, paper, and a crumpled bookbag.  His heart hurts ten times worse when he spots the little pink, blue, and white pride pin dangling from a zipper loop.

The boy doesn’t answer, nor does his gaze rise from the ground.  Ben picks everything up anyway.  He spots a name on some torn up algebra homework.

“Eli?”

That does the trick.  Ben grabs one last thing off the ground– a baseball cap– and shuffles over to him.  “You okay?”  The bug kneels once Eli looks back to the ground. Kiddo’s got a black eye and a bloody nose.  “Think you dropped this,” he murmurs.  He gently plops the hat in place and tugs it forward nice and snug.  Perfect fit.

Thwip.

Whoever’s washcloth he snagged from the clothesline above will just have to cope with its loss.  “Here.” He says, reaching forward with the rag to dab away the blood.  “Pinch that for me, yeah?” When the boy’s hands don’t leave the neckline of his jacket, Ben sighs.

“Don’t worry about hiding the straps, little dude.  I used to wear a binder too.”

And, just like that, shame and humiliation turns to awe and disbelief.

“Used to have shitty kids do awful things to me too.”

“R-Really?”  Eli squeaks, voice nasally from the hold Ben keeps on his nose.

“So you can talk!”  The bug chirps, lenses miming the way his eyes change with his growing smile.  “Here, take that– awesome.  But yeah… Yeah.”  Ben slings the bookbag onto his back and stands.  “Can I walk you home?  Or I could swing ya.  Your choice.”

The kid’s eyes light up even brighter.  “I wanna– can we swing?”

“You bet!” 

He swaps the bookback to his chest and lets Eli climb on piggy-back style.  

“Hold onto your hat.  You want the scenic route?”

“What the hell was that earlier?”  

Ben's feet dangle over the edge.  He and Homelander had stopped to relax not long after the debacle with the kids. There had still been a few issues around the city that needed handling, but they finally found a quiet moment.  The top of Lady Liberty’s crown was the only place that seemed far enough away from the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, and they sat in near silence so long that the sun had started to paint the world in reds and golds.

“What do you mean?”  The bug asks, sadness thick in his voice despite every insistence that he was completely fine.

“Just, all that.” Homelander doesn’t know how to explain it.  The bug smelled like misery down to the atomic level from the moment he dropped the kid off, and there was obviously something personal in the way he’s been reacting to the situation.  “You take every wet puppy we come across to heart, but you usually get over it pretty quickly.  What’s the problem?”

It’s certainly irksome when the bug looks away.  Benjamin’s dismay is practically stinking up Lady Liberty’s entire head.

“It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”

Which is such a fucking lie. It almost makes him furious. 

“Right, right.” He scoffs. “Your blood pressure is elevated over nothing.  Got a little jack rabbit thumpin’ in your chest over nothing.  Do you think I’m fucking stupid?”

“No, I just…” Ben sighs wistfully, but one of his uncomfortable chuckles cuts through it.  “It’s just a lot, y’know?”

Since fucking when has his talkative little spider ever learned the art of silence?  Christ, it’s almost a total role reversal of the other night.  Ben’s silent, but all Homelander wants is their normal, stupid banter.  He wants to hear about helping old broads cross the street and stopping bike thieves.  He wants to hear Ben’s ridiculous anecdotes and pestering questions. But now he’s being deprived, and for fucking what?  Because some pissant kid couldn’t fight off a pack of bullies?

“And I don’t wanna force you to be my therapist.”

As if the bug could force him to do anything. Time for a different approach. 

“Heh, try me.  I’ve been told I’ve got pretty strong shoulders.”  He pats one for good measure.  “Besides, the more you deny it, the more I want to know.”

The more I have to know…

Was there something not included in his file?  Something Homelander hadn’t scrounged up in that shithole apartment Benjamin had been living in?

“C’mon, get it off your chest before you stink up the whole statue.  Sad people smell bad.”  

He stares and stares until Ben cracks the smallest smile.  It would be fine if his eyes weren’t glassy.

“I just… ah, where to start…”

Probably at the beginning, he wants to say, but–

“That… happened to me.”  Ben says, clearing his throat after a moment.  “Just… really hit home, y’know?”

Oh.  

Oh…

Homelander’s eyes narrow.  He means to demand elaboration, but Ben beats him right to it.

“I… it was some kids at school.”  Ben takes a deep, shaky breath.  His blood pressure is climbing again, heart pounding, adrenaline brewing. He stares blankly into the dark nothingness of the river. “I dunno what they were even trying to prove, y’know? I figure you know all this already, but I wasn’t always a guy…”

He just nods.  Of course he already knows. Vought didn’t miss a beat with that dossier.  But, more importantly, Ben used to get harassed as a kid?  It seems nothing short of preposterous.  Benjamin’s a superhuman; he shouldn’t have a single problem putting filth beneath his boot–

“Apparently they were supposed to just beat my ass and prove a point, but I– it wasn’t…”  Benjamin pauses, collecting himself, eyes shut.

Homelander inches the slightest bit closer.  Never in his life has he ever felt a need so strong to pull someone into his arms.  Hell, he’s never even asked someone to drop all of their baggage like this before either.  He’s never cared.  Things like this are beneath him… But how quickly that lack of concern has morphed into woeful rage the likes of which he hasn’t felt in decades…

“T-They didn’t do a lot, y’know, just– just some, but...” 

Every sniffle, every crack in Ben’s voice rips Homelander’s heart to shreds. Someone had hurt his little spider.  

“And I…”  Ben wipes furiously at his eyes.  “I think– I think that t-those kids earlier were about to do the same thing to that boy and–” Ben finally looks over, eyes bloodshot and puffy. Devastated inside and out.  “Other than my old therapist and Jase, you’re the only one who knows about that now…”

His body moves on its own.  Homelander pulls Benjamin over, loops an arm around his back and another beneath his knees and hoists him into his lap for an embrace unlike any he’s ever given.  His heart hammers just as loudly as the bug’s.

“M’sorry,” comes the smallest, whimpering sob against the crook of his neck.  “S-Shit, I don’t– crying’s not– I usually don’t–”

“Shut up,” Homelander says softly, careful to keep even the slightest shred of rage off his tongue.  There would be time to find names later. Someday soon, hopefully.  “Cry your heart out, bug boy.  I can handle it.  Good shoulders, remember?”

Ben’s body shakes with a small laugh that interrupts whatever suppressed weep managed to slip free.

“T-They are cozy,” he hiccups.  “I’ll give ya that…”

He waits.  Waits and waits and waits until Ben’s cries cease and his vitals fall back to less distressed ranges.  By the sound of his breathing, he’s nearly wept himself to sleep.  So Homelander does the only thing that feels more right than dropping everything to raze that little shithole town where Benjamin was raised to the ground.

“I’ve gotcha,” he coos.  It’s the gentlest he’s ever taken off.  Just a tiny hop was all he needed to become weightless and rise higher and higher.  This is what he should’ve done right away.  

“What’s–”

“Your surprise,” he says as if it were so obvious.  “You like it?”

He certainly should regardless of how exhausted he may be.  The sun casts its red haze across the clouds, painting them perfect hues of scarlet and pink, sinking bit by bit more and more beneath the horizon.  The darkening blue of the sky threatens to overtake it all, like a god in and of itself ready to swallow the earth.

Ben clings to him even tighter.

“Relax. M’not gonna drop you.”  Homelander huffs a small chuckle.  

“I didn’t say you would,” yawns the bug.

God, their faces are so fucking close. 

“You’re being sticky,” he hums with a small roll of his eyes.  There’s not really a better way to describe it.  “Don’t you trust me?”

Say yes… Please fucking– just say yes.

“I do, just–” Benjamin sputters, eyes darting to and from his gaze.  “The heights, y’know?  Wait, you can feel that?”

“No, but I figured you were stuck to me.” He teases, grinning from ear to ear.

The resulting giggle is like sweet music to his ears.  It’s silent for a moment while the bug takes it all in.

“You can just– you can just do this like it’s nothing…” Ben murmurs after a while.  “You’re amazing,”

“Mm, tell me more.”

“If I do that, your head won’t fit through my doorway anymore,” Benjamin chuckles.  “But yeah…. Yeah.”

Just for that lovely compliment, Homelander decides the bug has earned a full sunset.  Not until the sun fades away completely does he decide to descend and, even then, the bug is already halfway dozed off again.  Messy hair tickles his cheek and he’s so glad Ben can’t see the smile he’s struggling to keep at bay.

Because it’s endearing, he tells himself.

He flies as slow as possible to savor the moment. It's awkward to maneuver two bodies through the access hatch at once, but he manages to do it all the same.

Part of him expected Ben to hop down as soon as they were inside, but, to his surprise, the bug does nothing of the sort.  He clings weakly all the way back to the bedroom, and those arms don’t quite unloop from around his neck even after he lays Benjamin on the bed.

Their eyes meet and the space between them is so very small.  No different at all than when he’d stolen that sweet, sleepy kiss…

“Hope you enjoyed flying air-Homelander,” he murmurs, smiling softly.  All the rage he’s felt since Ben’s confession has melted away, replaced by butterflies and fondness that feels so sweet that it could give him a cavity at any moment.  “You’ve arrived at your destination…”

Instead of letting go, those arms pull Homelander into a warm embrace.  No one ever really knows that Homelander can quite literally sniff them out.  Every little chemical the brain makes tickles his bloodhound nose in some way or another.  And Benjamin..?

“Mm, thanks, Homie…”

He smells sweet. 

“Of course.”

Warm.  Welcoming. 

“Get some sleep,” Homelander hums. The arms at his neck fall slowly and he tugs a blanket up to Ben’s chin.  Even after he leaves– reluctantly, of course– and with a troubled mind, he can’t shake that scent.  Serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, vasopressin…

He smells like love.

Oh god.  Oh god…

He’s paced back and forth through the penthouse for hours now working through the hurricane of emotions sweeping through both his heart and mind.  There was rage.  Pure, unbridled, wrath at the fact someone had harmed his sweet Benjamin.  That they’d done such damage to the boy… it wasn’t enough to even fathom rolling heads.  It had to be more. 

He’d clenched his gloved fists over and over again, each creak of the leather a promise of how he’d crunch bones and sinew between his fingers and rip them limb from limb.  He’d savor it.  Every second would be perfect.  There were no faces yet to attach to these fantasies.  But soon, the very minute the staff clocked in, he’d put analytics’ sniffers on the trail.  They’d scrounge up something.  They fucking better.

Look at you, all in a twist over the bug.

His reflection stares back in the mirror, but there’s a lack of anger.  There’s no ridicule in its eyes.

“I–”  He swallows thickly, eyes darting between the window and mirror.  “I hate that someone… hurt him.”

I know, John.  I know… Why is that, do you think?

“I don’t–”  He swallows again, letting loose a shuddering breath.  He does know.  Dare he speak the words?  It was just a fixation, damn it!  For so long, it was just a fixation.  Just watching Ben through the walls of his shitty apartment, just floating out of sight to watch him swing to work, just watching – just… 

It’s the same reason you’re so afraid of the next few days.  They’ll be over.  You don’t know if he’ll keep coming around.  Chatting with you, sitting on rooftops, hanging out.  

It was undeniable.  As much as he tries to bury the feeling, there’s anxiety bubbling in droves over the idea of their mentorship week ending.  He’s never really had something like this.  Ben feels like a friend.  Sure, sometimes he’s a pain in the ass and he never shuts up, but he’s so…

C’mon, tiger! Do the math.  You snubbed Madelyn for him this morning.  What, you can’t put two and two together?

“I can’t–”

Can’t what?  Admit it?  Because that makes it too–

“Real.”  He deadpans.  It makes it too real.  These feelings, the reason he felt the need to sneak that little kiss, the way his heart fluttered earlier… letting Ben dump his baggage and not sneering or telling him off… 

“I–”

Just then, his phone dings from across the room and a jolt of excitement sparks through his body like a barrage of lightning.  He knows without even looking.  He knows because no one fucking texts him let alone talks to him after work hours.  His number was seemingly business only for so long, until…

Along came a spider.

He smiles sheepishly and does an awkward little run to his phone.  He chucks his gloves off on the way and grabs it with delight, hoping beyond hope that it’s–

-can’t sleep :( wanna do another movie if you’re not already asleep?  i’ll let you pick-

Giddiness rises in his chest and tugs the corners of his mouth into a big, happy grin.  Duh, he wants to say.  But he doesn’t reply at all.  Instead, he’s down the side of the building and inside the hatch within moments.  His hands shake slightly as he shuts it.  The barely-there citrus scent and the aroma of popcorn greets his nose first thing, and it feels so right.  

Ben’s in the kitchen to greet him, standing there in his boxers and a t-shirt while his snack of choice pops away in the microwave.  A thrill runs up his spine at the sight.

What a way to end the day.

[mammalsofaction]

Cupid, Cupid Shot Me 5 Times in the Heart

Rating: T

Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus

Add tags: Hurt/Comfort, Divine Wrath, Divine Hubris, Roman Gods, Human Perry the Platypus, ASL, pining, idiot4idiot

A/N: Dedicated to @erizumon for being a sweet cheerleader, @adhdoofenshmirtz for the awesome prompt that I couldn't resist even if it took FOREVER, and @agentlizardofowca for putting up with me complaining about proofreading

---

Perry's at the point of his career–as the uncle of the Flynn-Fletcher twins, arch-nemesis of Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz as well as the best agent Danville's OWCA had to offer–that he often thinks he's really seen everything.

Heinz, in this case, often and with joyful vindication, trumps the laws Quantum metaphysics nearly every day. Sometimes accidentally. His nemesis is the one who's taught him best the boundary between realities can often be as flimsy as a blue-print, and the difference between success and failure for even the most mad of ambitions may sometimes be luck, coffee and determination.

What he's trying to say, here: Perry keeps thinking Heinz can't really surprise him anymore, scheme wise. Today, he was proven wrong once again.

The trap snaps him up upon entry; Perry finds himself hanging by a tangle of ropes hanging from the ceiling. It pulls him into a pose that was a bit on the nose, considering the date. His left leg suspended and tied close to his back, leaving him partially horizontal, and forcibly arching his back, his arms stretched out into an archer's bow.

Cupid. Right. Valentine.

The first thing he notices was the behemoth of an inator; metal molded in hearts, chrome, scarlet and pink.

The second thing he notices is the raised platform in its heart, colored bone white and curved into a ribcage.

Say what you will about Heinz, but he would always stick to a theme.

"Always a pleasure to see you again, Agent P, " the man croons, stepping out of the shadows. His sneer is a poor facade over unrepentant, almost cruel glee. It made him look more evil than he truly was, and it ratchets his blood ever hotter. Perry chitters, but Heinz barely gives him a second glance.

"I'm sure you've been made aware of what day it is." Heinz drawls as he began to pace, shooting a scathing look past the bounds of his balcony. "Neither should you be surprised I've got a grudge or two to keep.

"You see, Perry the Platypus, as is the case for everything else, my love life has only ever been a neverending trail of heartbreak and misery. Middle school crushes, high school prom dates...I've even fallen out with the mother of my daughter, and we used to be pretty good friends in college! Nothing but a trail of failure and disappointment on both our halves...but mostly on mine.

"Recently, I have found myself fallen for this, ah, another candidate." Here, Perry notices another two things; one, the deliberate, albeit curious avoidant of pronouns, and on two, how the man pointedly avoiding his eye.

Both facts which contribute to a hopeful skip to his heart rate... completely inappropriate to his circumstances. This was not the time to be daydreaming.

(Nevermind that he had never had an indication of where Hein swung, in a sense, and how some implications were really opening things up for him.)

Heinz was still monologuing, naturally. "Which might even be a case more impossible than the last. I mean, we're ideologically opposed in most, if not all our moral grounds, and he's...God, he's too good for me, too much better looking. Way out of my league, it'll be like-like shooting for the moon, except I've already done that successfully multiple times, so-what's more impossible than the moon? Mars? Maybe a distant star of another solar system, maybe the Andromeda. I don't know, one of her fast moving moon systems. It doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is," Heinz shakes his head, trying to focus. "It's impossible. He's impossible, I've got no chance, and I'm destined for another crash and burn not too far down the line, and being reminded of this stupid holiday makes it even worse, because I don't even know if he's-he's attracted to guys like that, or if he's even single! He could be out there on the arm of some...girlfriend or wife with three kids and I'd never know! Or maybe it would be more merciful if I didn't let myself know--but it doesn't matter," Heinz says vehemently, eyes closed and fists shaking like he's once again forcibly attempting to focus, while Perry wiggles in his trap with his heart in his throat thinking loudly that he had the kids, but not the wife, on account of being apparently and decisively gay and available, if that was at all relevant to certain interested parties.

Read the rest on Ao3

[mikufigureoftheday]

i got a new shelf recently so perhaps it is time i show you my meeks (featuring some other blorbos)

both of the figmas ARE BROKENnnnn (one more visibly so) im never buying them again😭😭😭look at these thinfs wrong and they explode /silly (they were overproced too and now i couldnt sell them for 10 dollars live and learn i guess)

latest is dark angel who ive wanted for a long time but i only bother buying on ebay and there were fakes floating around for a while. WxS miku is hell on earth bc her parts cannot stay on properly, she looses half her hair when too much wind blows (exaderation but it did fall of several times while i was arranging the figures, her tail too)

thats why i love dark angel shes surprisingly sturdy, more then any other figure i gave. you could throw her off a building and that hair would stay in. bless

my old shelf was much wider so all my AMP figures could comfortably fit next to eachother but now they look kinda awkward, i really underestimated their size

my favourite mikus are dark angel and the alice in wonderland

UHM ALSO FOR THE LONGEST TIME I WAS CONVINCED THAT SAKURA WAS AN AMP FIGURE EVEN THO I *HAVE THE BOX* NO WHERE DOES IT SAY AMP 😭😭😭

ichigo_mik on ebay is my saviour they often have the best prices on ebay and the first time one orders from them you get a snack. also im aware i could find cheaper on other sites but i already have ebay figured out huehue,, biggest problem is probably customs in my country they dont give me as much trouble with anything else as much as figures

i also once bought a set of fakes because they were cheap and i found them funny but i dont have my own picture of them on hand rn but heres from the listing

i gave fake sakura to a friend bc i already had one real sakura lol. the one on the top right has very unstable hair so ive stashed her hair away, the snow miku is oddly big and heavy, the easter ones head is made from a weirdly soft plastic so her head is squishy 😭 and infinity is nothing special. i love my fakeus

im so sorry how this is written im tired ushvfzhsgt 😭😭😭😭😭

I've always loved that dark angel one, but the fact that she could also apparently be used as a weapon makes me love her even more LMAO

You've got a good grouping here, both currently and what you've given away!! I'm always glad to see the birthday cat one and that giant beach one on the bottom shelf is so cool.........

I love figmas, but I'm always afraid I'm going to break mine so I give them the like most generic poses to achieve stability (╥_╥) they look so lame next to the scales/nendos sometimes LMAO

Thanks for sharing all your goodies and the story behind your collection!!! 11/10 very good keep it up

[tocomplainfriend]

Responding to your post about fiction affecting reality: very well-written post and that’s something I agree with wholeheartedly!

Full disclosure: I am a Vivz supporter and don’t really interact with the critique community because of negative past experience (hence the anon), but I really liked your post as it was well-researched and brought up a lot of points that I did agree on. Mostly that, as you evidenced, “it’s just fiction” isn’t a great argument for poorly portraying a serious concept when there can be tangible consequences for that portrayal. And you gave some really striking examples.

In terms of Hazbin, it is not that I believe that Val’s portrayal as an abuser (and consequently Angel’s as a victim) lacks any impact, but instead that it adds a positive one. This isn’t something I’ve researched so the evidence I have of this is personal experience, but as you said in your post that media can affect real life I felt inspired to add to that conversation with how it personally affected me.

So I was aware rationally that a common result of abuse/SA is hypersexuality, like I’d seen that on psychology blogs and such but never really understood it. I’m ashamed to say I thought it was a little weird and very rare. Hazbin was what finally challenged that notion with me. Being able to see how abuse looks and attribute those events to Angel’s actions step-by-step made something click in my head. I even remember that shortly after seeing that episode, I apologized to one of my friends (a survivor themselves) over some judgmental comments I’d recently made over hypersexuality. Said friend also watched Hazbin with me and it’s the reason they talk more openly to me now and we’re a lot closer. Val’s “stupid” behavior in the show and mentioned in Vivz’s comments did not lessen the impact that episode had on me, or make it unbelievable to me that Val could be manipulative. If anything I understand more now that abusers don’t always appear as psychopathic masterminds. And I know my friend finds comments like the Mean Girls one funny and they tell me it’s empowering to make fun of Val’s incompetence.

That’s not the only positive influence Hazbin’s had on me, but the most relevant to your post, I believe. It’s the reason I’m often a skeptic on most criticisms, because my lived experience tends to go against them. You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed, so it looks to me like he’s equally as fetishized as every other character; the unfortunate inevitability of the internet. I can’t say I’ve seen anyone post about stories like mine about learning to understand survivors, but I have heard positive stories from survivors themselves in person and online which lead me to believe that the positive impact outweighs the negative.

Fiction has real impact, very true. But consider that might be a good thing in this case.

Thanks for being respectful!

TW: Rape, SA

I'm a victim of SA myself and that's why I wrote all of this post. If you got something positive out of this piece of media, that's great. Same with victims that saw potion and were okay with it- that valid as much as the people that didn't like it at all. I recommend watching many others shows yourself (or movies, books, whatever) will help you out with sorts of topics in bigger ways. I understand you feel like you got something good out if (and I'm glad) but I do need to say, this is minimal in comparison to other media you could consume regarding the topic!

I personally suffer with Hypersexuality, and the treatment in the show (and merch and otherwise) I found completely wrong. Even if you got to a good understatement of the topic, please put research into it (also outside Tumblr for that matter! There are better places to find stuff about!). Thank you also for admitting your faults over your treatment of hypersexuality and apologizing for it. Many people will never let themselves grasp this concept, so thank you.

If you took Valentino's comparison to Mean Girls or Powerpuff Girl as a way of making fun of him, that's you. I found it, personally, terrible. Specially cause many comments regarding that (that I put on the post) were people actively disregarding the topic at hand. Saying that Valentino is just a karen, or He is Bubbles coded, feels so out of the realm of everything (the last one didn't feel like making fun of him). I don't like the comparison of an active sexual predator to a mean high school girl or a kinder garden girl that's regarded as bubblely or dumb. Feel like you should reach into his actions over It feels diminishing to me and other people (who also complained about this themselves).

People should be extremely careful of what they portray about this topic in media. Other stuff written in Hazbin or Helluva Boss regarding R-pe jokes also is extremely disgusting to me. Never forget that if you think this portrayal is ok, one episode apart it's a gang r-pe jokes towards Sir Pen... and an r-pe joke towards Moxxie in Spring Brakers. Which I find extremely disrespectful to do and adds to r-pe culture as much as any other r-pe jokes (general or towards men) in media. Especially when they want to portray it in a serious way with Angel, where was that energy then? (Don't say Viv didn't write that, she liked a tweet about the Sir pen joke, and the spring braker is written by Viv and Brandon.)

Also, about manipulation:

The tweet right below says that "He isn't manipulating them" because he is too stupid to do so. Responding "The Vees are just meangirls" it's crazy to me.

About "You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed"

Val has being fetishized by the crew itself! The person (who is not an SA/r-pe victim said by themselves, who has being open of shipping ValxAngel and being into r-pe porn) is the one that produce the whole poison part of the episode (also based on his previously non canon ValxAngel comic). You could also go throught the people Viv's responds and likes and it's mutuals with, and they also do the same thing as this crew-member (Raph). Congrats that it doesn't appear in your timeline, tho. If this art appears in a critic post, it is because it's being criticized or brought up to make a point.

[It's not on my blog yet, but I don't like receiving double ask in the inbox, specially of anons! Sorry. I don't know if it's the same person or not, and I don't want to end up receiving 5 asks in my inbox again.]

[phantomskeep]

I really, really love Clockwork as a character. He's legit my favorite DP character (besides Danny, but even then they're pretty equal). Anyways, have an excerpt from Putting the Fun Back in Funeral chapter two :) (Should be finished by the end of this upcoming week!)



... A sarcastic reference to the Observants trying to murder Danny should not have made Clockwork laugh.

Danny eyed the other with obvious suspicion. “What’s funny about that?”

The older’s form aged up as his chuckles died down. “You simply reminded me of when the Observants came to me about this very issue.” Clockwork loosened the grip on his staff and used it to lazily jester towards Danny’s throne. “They came to me months ago, warning me of how our timeline was going down the most horrible path. Danny Phantom, a half-dead ghost child with too much power taking the throne? It was something out of a nightmare for them.”

When Danny’s eyes flitted nervously downwards, his body unconsciously curling in a defensive motion, Clockwork used his staff to gently lift his king’s head. Pupilless red eyes met burning green, and a comforting expression graced the middle-aged ghost’s face. “My King, they were very wrong. This is the best possible timeline - one with such a powerful king who wishes only for peace? Whose Obsession isn’t one of power, or rage, or a burning greed, but of protection? Danny, this is the best timeline, the best era - and it is because of you. The Observants are correct with many of their findings, but they can make mistakes like any other being. Their power resides in control.” Here Clockwork paused, a mirthful feeling brushing against Danny’s calming one. “This is something I know you are very aware of. They fear the lack of control they will have during this timeline. It was their goal to gain control of the throne through you, but I’ve made sure the Observants failed every time.”

Danny’s eyes widened, a small gasp escaping his lips. Tears welled in his expressive eyes as he tackled his mentor into a monkey-gripped hug. The older ghost chuckled, easily returning the embrace. His form shifted, aging quickly as he ran time-wrinkled hands along the young king’s back.

“I had suggested a boarding school, of sorts.” Clockwork whispered into his apprentice’s hair. “A chance for you to go and stretch your proverbial wings. This other dimension has an old friend of mine who has offered to continue with your teachings, and the Earth there has many different protectors you can learn from. Of course, there are still duties you will need to attend to.” The old ghost broke from Danny’s clinging hug, looking the twenty-one year old king in his eyes. “It will be dangerous. There are many different forces who now have their eyes on you, my King. But know that if you choose to go this route, you will always be able to access the Infinite Realms and the dimensions attached to her.”

Danny discreetly wiped his eyes, nodding in agreement with Clockwork. A burning determination danced in his eyes as Danny’s gaze steadfastly stared into his most trusted advisor’s. “I need to explain things to my family, at least a little bit. Tell them I’m going on a mission for you at the very least - but I’ll be back. I’ll go to this other dimension and do what I can to be a better king for my people.”

[mmmm there's more stuff in the actual chapter here but for noooow LARGE TIMESKIP]

... However, instead of joining in the festivities like the others on the Council of Ancients, the time ghost had another important meeting to attend. Clockwork allowed the quick passage of time to overcome his form, aging him down like an ancient phoenix recently reborn from its own ashes. His young body turned to face the newest ghost king’s throne as a maelstrom of blue energy rapidly crisscrossed around his form. Wild winds whipped Clockwork���s pale purple cloak as a dark clock-hand appeared behind him, sweeping in a large clockwise motion to reveal a swirling blue and teal portal. The sound of a striking old grandfather clock echoed hauntingly across the empty room of Phantom’s Keep as the hands reached the metaphorical twelfth numeral. When the clock-hands began their descent backwards in time the Master of Time was swept under them, disappearing into the portal of his own creation. The hands again struck the midnight position with the last thrum of a dull, heavy, monotonous clang - once again leaving the now-empty room with the wistful cry of an old clock.

On a different world - one full of heroes, aliens, and otherworldly forces fighting vicious battles for justice - a smog-filled city held within the dark heart of an old ghost was just starting to awaken. When Clockwork’s portal faded from view, time snapped back into place. Loud honking filled his ears as the Master of Time floated above a striking clocktower, his back turned to the ever-moving bay that lapped at the shores of such an inspiring city. A low voice caught Clockwork’s attention, but he did not turn to face the ghost.

“Clockwork, perfect timing as always.” The voice was lofty, easily gliding over syllables with an ease born of hundreds of years.

The purple-cloaked ghost tilted his head in a small greeting, his own words spilling past smiling lips. “It is my pleasure - as always, Lady Gotham - to be welcomed into your haunt.”





:) I'm very excited to post this chapter!! Finally getting into those awesome DPxDC storylines I have planned out!!

(Also, I’m currently high-fiving baby-me for deciding on using “PhantomsKeep” as a username. Cause now I can name-drop myself in my own fics! And I laugh every time >:D )

[thai-with-booty]

When did you decide you would let Emil fuck you?

I see quite a few messages about Emil in my inbox. What has got anoynmous thinking about him suddenly?

To answer your question though, I hadn't really noticed Emil, when I used to go to Oliver's and jibs home, he was there, he was attending a international school in Bangkok at the time, I didn't really ever think of him. It was after he finished school and there was a time I know jib brought him up that he was around the house bored and not doing much, he at the time didn't want to go to university but wasn't working as it's harder for foreign nationals just to get a job in Thailand. Again I didn't think much of it, but there was a time cos he was home a lot as was jib, she mentioned he was masturbating a lot, and she had heard or caught him a few times. She said it more in a way of like he must be doing it out of boredom as he didnt often see friends. I thought it was funny but again still didn't think of it, I remember though near to when I started writing about Emil, we had a BBQ at our place and they brought Emil, it was a gathering of sorts so didn't always know where everyone was there was people chatting in different groups. A couple of days later jib calls me and then on the video and basically asks if the underwear is mine, not sure why she thought that, but it was one of the Victoria secret ones I had recently bought and the size I wear. Basically she had caught Emil using them when he masturbated, he must have gone into my bedroom and through my laundry to find them, I was then sort of why did he take them, he is attracted to me? These were more thoughts, and so when I was next round I collected my now cum stained panties and I was now aware of Emil,I noticed he was looking at me, so I sort of teased where not careful when bend over or leaning over the counter letting him look at my cleavage. I not sure an exact point but I propositioned him one day, if u remember how my first mention of him started I made him an offer of a Christmas wish, I assumed he would want to fuck me, so I had decided I'd let him if he asked for it. Turns out what he wanted most was to cum on my boobs lol. And that's where it all went from

[phightinghottakes]

been a while since i made a hot take so i might as well make some take dump (i don't wanna spam hot takes that i don't have much to cover on)

- the recent phestival was quite fun! there were lots of new maps, skins, and also a new phighter and gamemode. i wasn't aware of the bad sportsmanship between the two teams mentioned here and there since i kind of avoid bogcom and the general phighting fans like a plague. genuinely hope those in team mermaids still had a nice time regardless of the possible toxicity faced during the phest :[ (if there's anyone that can explain the whole sportsmanship thing either in a different hot take or the mod themselves i'd appreciate it)

- escort feels like a hit or miss gamemode. sometimes it's fun as hell, but at other times you can literally predict which team is going to win by viewing the scores within the first minute of the match. it genuinely feels like a "walk just to be 1v5d' on" simulator for like half of the match, and the long ass overtime doesn't help with that either.

- i'm sorry but captain rocket looks like a colonizer for some reason in terms of appearance??

- i am NOT a fan of some people calling coil 2.0 "the banic skin". sure it may resemble him but you don't see anyone else calling catshot "the soda skin" or eggbox as "the key after key skin" regularly. it's something harmless but it's just a pet peeve of mine

- the annihilate change has got to be one of the worst changes made in my opinion. is either team effective with killing? sucks for you! 1 minute left on a match and you don't even get to hear pandemonium coda or have any high tension against each other because some team already reached 20 kills and most matches just..... don't last very long anymore!! are both teams slow with the killing? sucks for you! have fun spending 10 more minutes on overtime to get the required kill amount while no one is practically dying due to a team comp issue or a skill issue (in eliminating people)! the match ending early would help with extremely one-sided matches, but most of the time it's fairly balanced and a close game for both teams. every time i get an annihilate round now i just lose the will to do my best since the matches would end early either way.

- the dutchman scythe skin is really cool imo. a bit confused with the glowing hat, but a friend of mine speculated that it could represent a jellyfish? either way, for a simple design it's really appealing to me.

- ngl i feel like the phighting hot takes have become more hostile, pessimistic and downright aggressive based on my observations

Honestly, I think the main reason Phighting Hot Takes may feel that way is simply because I don’t really care about Phighting anymore. I just keep the blog running because people like it.

[cannibalisticdespair]

Hey, how's it going? If you don't mind answering, how's the system constructed? Who's in there? If you do mind answering, what's your favourite colour?

It’s myself (Krys, she/her), Junko (Junko fictive, she/her), Zaedel (my twin since we formed at the same time for bad prolonged trauma reasons, he/him), Cherry (he/she and don’t consistently use one, bigender little who takes after the original host in some ways but is a more idealized version, mentally 8-10), and Val (she/her, oldest one here, grew up with the original host but Zaedel and I only became aware of her much later on because historically she existed for “we need to be a vicious feral beast to match the energy of the family screaming matches and whatnot” reasons, but has been rehabilitating you could say).

Headspace-wise, I just look how I look with maximum effort. Zaedel meanwhile has our dad’s olive skin tone (lifelong outdoor loving and working Sicilian man), stubble to a short beard, long black hair, and black molting angel wings. And usually a leather jacket. Junko’s mostly canon, just the clothing tends to be more early 2010s emo girl. Fishnet tops and a bra or shirt where the sleeves and neck are cut out and the back is sliced up, ripped skinny jeans, docs or converse, a black/red/danganronpa blood pink color scheme.

Cherry is an androgynous, pale, heavily freckled boygirl with long brown hair and brown eyes, usually a black tanktop, shorts, and flip flops. And Val looks like a cross between the HL2 rotting corpse with the real corpse face and Samara from The Ring if she was actually depicted as a waterlogged corpse that’s been sitting there for a week or two (we had unrestricted internet access starting in the 2000s, we have quite the frame of reference).

Zaedel and I formed in tandem with the death of the original host. Originally, he held all the trauma memories from before we formed and I had near-total amnesia. He also spent a few years trying to get me to kill ourselves because he couldn’t take control of the body over it. LSD changed us and our dynamic, and also caused a slowly rising amount of access to the memories for me.

Val we didn’t really realize was a headmate until more recently because of her purely utilitarian fronting and lack of communication, but once we started talking it became clear she was the first one to form. The original host was extremely timid and shy and nervous, which didn’t really work for the environment we grew up in. So Val was the fighter.

Cherry and Junko both broke off of me. Cherry started out as my littlespace, but more and more life stress and stuff eventually snapped him off entirely and made her his own thing.

Junko meanwhile is a mix of causal factors. One, writing hundreds of thousands of words of fic in the 2010s with my method. Which is “I just place these semi-independent thoughtforms of characters in a situation with a little bit of scripting and prose-journal what happens”. Two, strengthening that with constant listening to a playlist build around her for years. Three, more LSD, which led to our first direct conversation enabled by a poster of her (the Egirl Junko art by JunkoEXE). Four, yet more psychological trauma. What finally led to her permanently emerging was me accidentally getting triggered and restoring my earliest CSA trauma memories, which broke me pretty bad. Like… I thought it began way later than that. She took on pieces that broke off of me when that happened and it finished her.

Name-wise, I stole mine from an emo girl I knew in high school. Zaedel thought up his after a few years with a mix of “it needs to have the right mouthfeel and also needs to end in -el”. Cherry got hers from a friend of ours. Junko is Junko, that’s just her name. And Val is short for Valerie and is a nerdy joke about her being our “evil side”. It’s a feminine name play on “Valeyard”.

And also, my favorite color is purple. Junko’s is anything in the red/magenta/pink spectrum. Zaedel is black. Cherry really likes green and blue. Val is the sorts of purples you get from bruising and discoloration on a corpse.

[fly-away-flynn]

Hi! I figured it was time to talk after a long time of being quiet. For a while I posted LoTF smut. I’m aware and I’m sure many of you are too! That’s fine. I can see the comments you make about me, you can @ me, it’s fine. However, I think talking about it and being completely transparent right now is the best thing I can do for myself and for other people.

My account was Co-Run by @ask-the-feral-boys. The other @ is @lord-of-the-reblog. He is my friend in real life. He got me into the fandom by forcing me onto Tumblr. I was completely content to stay on Archive of Our Own and post SFW content, actually. However, he normalized and told me the fandom was okay with smut. He created the account with me, and was given the password. It was stupid on my part. I do blame myself for that. I am a docile person. He made posts on my behalf calling the fandom “horrible” or “immature.” He made posts that I would never make. The one about camping, I live with my father and haven’t seen my mother in years. My parents are divorced, but it was things like that that he could lie about for me. I hate drama to be honest. I hate making this post. I have PTSD and anxiety because of things in my past and so I figured letting him have control would be helpful.

If you read the Fanfic that was posted under my name, it seemed inconsistent, I bet! Even my typing style is different now. There were two authors. He was one of them. It was one of very many awful things he did to ruin my life, but the fandom hating me is the better option than Mickey hating me Haha. I also didn’t know any better.

He clearly talked about me behind my back. Which was unclear to me until recently, I thought he was my friend because most of the time he told me he supported me on his blog and everyone who hated me hated me because they just didn’t understand what I was doing. The only chapter I solo posted was Chapter 1. That is why the writing gets so drastically stylized later on. It isn’t mine. I was an editor. I made the document, and he wrote it. But he didn’t want it attached to his name, so he had me publish it.

Mickey hated me because it made him look good. It made him look like the fandom hero to have a friend who was so morally wrong. He led me wrong and villianized me so that he could be the good guy, because he hates being the bad guy. He has made considerably more life ruining accusations against me that are lies, like that I tried to assault him (Which I never did. I have a girlfriend of 9 months and he was making the claims 3-4 months ago), or that I would force him to read what I wrote. I stopped writing because I lost joy in it. I don’t find joy in things that are wrong. I figured out it was wrong once people sent me hate mail, you get the message after a while. That is why my change was a suspicious 180. I was in the middle of change long before it went public. Getting Mickey out of my life was what was hard.

I don’t expect much from this. For what it’s worth, most of you think I’m an adult. I’m actually a minor. This is the surface of what is going on with me and Mickey, just this blog. He has been inactive because I stopped talking to him and our friends in real life isolated him for his behavior. I hope this explains some things. I hope you guys know that this was sort of forced out of me because you won’t stop talking about me. I would like to please be left alone now. Thank you.

[acesabo]

i made a fibromyalgia pride flag last night! this has absolutely been done, but i wanted to contribute with one of my own. coincidentally, today is fibromyalgia awareness day, so. hi! if you're following me, are you aware of fibromyalgia? did you know i have it? you know now!

color meanings and background under the cut.

the colors in this flag were colorpicked from a northern pearly eye butterfly. most pictures of them are pretty brown, but they are purple butterflies—i think it's one of those things like, cameras are just really bad at capturing their coloring most of the time. in much the same way, you can't really tell by looking that someone has fibromyalgia, and i thought that was pretty fitting. i also just think they're really, really pretty.

i used the same format as the disability flag, because a lot of chronic pain is treated as pretending or faking, and i wanted to make it clear that we are part of the community and we belong here, in the same way that queer pride flags have mirrored the pride flag and the pride flag mirrored the bear and leather flags.

color meanings: note: i chose multiple meanings for each color on purpose to cover a variety of symptoms, so please feel free to assign more to any stripe you please. i also tried to assign at least one positive thing to each stripe, because every color is dear to someone.

purple: hope / research / cold weather - not hope for a cure, but hope for support and understanding which leads to successful symptom management. research has already shown that fibromyalgia is an autoimmune issue, which is huge! i'm excited to see what it will teach us next. cold weather can spell out extra pain for those of us with fibromyalgia (like me), so let this stripe be a reminder to bundle up and be gentle with yourself.

lilac: bad weather / migraine / comfort - changing weather—and changing air pressure or temperature that goes with it—can spell pain for fibro folks, and hell hath no fury like a migraine coming on. for both, and every other kind of pain, comfort is a must.

off-white: brain fog / dull pain / ache / chronic pain solidarity - brain fog is a constant companion of mine; it curls around my shoulders like an affectionate cat, rubbing against my cheeks and rumbling in my ears until i can't hear myself think. this stripe is just off-white in honor of that feeling, and also because i didn't want this flag to be too eye-searing for those of us with sensitive migraine triggers. dull pain is a lot like that, but a lot less pleasant. this stripe also reminds us that we aren't alone in our invisible disability, and that we're hip to hip with a lot of really excellent company in the chronic pain community.

amber: nerve pain / sudden pain / joint weakness and related falls / warm weather relief - nerve pain, as opposed to inflammatory pain, tends to be sharp and feel 'electric'. i once described it to my doctor as feeling 'like there's lightning in my bones'. sudden pain is like that, too, and i've found that my knee suddenly giving when it was fine a moment before can be, as well. but this nice honey-golden stripe also reminds me of the nice day i had recently when i viewed the eclipse with my friends, sitting in the sun in my new skirt, quite literally sitting pretty in the sunlight and then, suddenly, lack thereof. warm weather is nice, when it isn't a surprise—a slope and not a snap.

brown: underdiagnosis in people of color* / solidarity with people of color* in our community - as is often the case in the medical community, there is a wealth of doctors willing to diagnose white patients with fibromyalgia, and those same doctors are largely unwilling to diagnose people of color unless those people of color bend over backward. this stripe is to recognize that, as i think it's important, and to stand in solidarity with people of color who have (or are seeking) a diagnosis. (*the asterisk is to note that i am using people of color as a catch-all here, but very specifically this effects Black people the most, especially Black women. there is a long and incredibly ugly history of medical malpractice around not believing Black women when it comes to pain in the medical field which i am definitely not educated enough to speak on.)

i drew the butterfly vector myself, and here it is alone if you'd like to use it.

and a bonus-bonus version with the flag on it, to just kind of, slap on stuff i f you'd like. i dunno, i like how it looks.

[sn0wbat]

a friend of mine reread homestuck recently, and gave their non-hs ocs god tiers.... which in turn inspired me to try reconsidering the god tiers of mine!

(yeah they're still undead vampires. don't think too hard about it, this was mostly just for fun anyway)

UPDATE: reasons under the cut!

thoughts and reasonings

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MORTEN

moon - PROSPIT

optimistic, mostly

lives in the moment

mostly relies on instinct

doesn't always think things through

creative solutions

not exactly a huge rebel (their mom usually had their back anyway)

aspect - RAGE class - PAGE

a page starts out with a lack of their aspect. they're missing it, repressing it.

as a page of rage, they'd start out not knowing how to truly show anger, they repress it, it's fine it's fine everything is fine - negative emotions always take a backseat.

he's kind of a doormat about things, not really wanting to escalate things further, ever.

this is especially seen with mort's interactions with their uncle, who keeps pulling disagreeable shit while mort just. goes along with it. to avoid conflict.

the challenge for a page of rage is to learn it's okay to get angry, to express their more negative side, to let people know when things aren't okay!! to stop being walked all over!!

to embrace the more monstrous side that's been so pushed aside for a while - it's okay to be a vampire, you're just trying to survive. it's okay to let people know they're wrong. it's okay

why? yeah somehow they got rage on the official quiz. rage and prospit. very odd, but thinking about it, it made some sense. sure, the prospit feels obvious, but rage? took some time to figure that one out. sadly page is the class that suits them the most here. oops

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EINARR

moon - DERSE

very self-aware

can get very rebellious given the chance -- literally lead a rebellion against his sire -- also lead a whole jailbreak -- was literally a pirate at some point

absolutely hides parts of himself and holds himself back a lot

good problem-solver

introvert

usually thinks things through… unless he doesn't.

very powerful ally

has a tendency to cling onto the past

aspect - LIGHT (breath, space) class - MAGE

"One who Understands with Light or Understands Light"

knowledge-seeker. big nerd about everything. u get the vibe

not very concerned with laws and norms

mages are very hands-on with their aspect - einarr has been through a lot already, being as old as he is. most of his knowledge is first-hand experience.

mages have a deep understanding and often suffer from their aspect… being a thousand years old, there's certainly some things he'd rather like to forget. however, his memory is Really Good oops

on the flipside, also really loves knowing a lot of things. he is curious. it's in his nature. he's a knowledge sim

oh, so mages suffer from their aspect? let's see: bright lights hurt his eyes, yes. sunlight hurts him too, yes. he's a vampire so this bullet point about the more literal side of his aspect hurting him is really funny sorry

has suffered from the burden of being seen (target of vampire slayers), and tbh he avoids this like hell these days- constantly hiding, hates unwanted attention. mirrors Void aspect in this case - he often blends in out of necessity but dear lord is it harmful to his mental health

mindreader. easily knows too much. sir-

because of that, can easily tell when someone is lying

a bit superstitious. still believes in the old gods.

extremely hard to sneak up on. he's basically got satellite dishes for ears, He Can Hear You

this classpect can partially be summed up as "the mortifying ordeal of being seen" and that's einarr yeah

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RUNE

moon - DERSE

bit of a pessimist

self aware introvert

finds the world alienating and confusing and mean

hides quite a lot about himself

generally lives in a state of dissatisfaction. either he's not human enough or the world isn't vampire-friendly enough. feels like shit either way

would rebel more if he wasn't too busy being a terrified doormat

rarely lets himself be vulnerable. unless it's someone he really trusts to not use it all against him yknow

aspect - DOOM class - MAID

"those bound to the aspect of Doom are fate's chosen sufferers"

misery loves company and he found that company in his fellow vampires <3

not the advice friend, not a healer, but will let you know you're not alone as his life is shitty too

maids are often treated like lesser, and tbh that describes rune pretty well

"dismissed or pushed around by those they rely on" his family at home i swear

all his life he has been trying so damn hard to just. be accepted by those taking care of him. by following their rules. he's not like other vampires, no! he's not evil!! he's not a bad guy! just as human as anyone else!

and he'd also just love to stop being excluded from literally everything his family does thanks <3

it's not working

overall, has a tendency to follow everyone else's rules and instructions, which is a very maid of doom thing to do

challenge is to draw his own lines and become his own master instead of being everyone else's doormat :-)

"aren't you tired of being nice? don't you just wanna go ape shitt"

---------

BAT

moon - PROSPIT (???)

intuitive

exists in the present

VERY impulsive

did worry about what mort would think of him yes

"trouble with deception" i mean he's good at it, but does it eat him up inside when he's forced to lie? also yes. that's the trouble

totally fine with not interfering with human shit. why bother

turning mort into a vampire instead of actually telling him sure was a… creative solution lmao

used to trust people but it kinda bit him in the ass so not much anymore

what doesn't fit:

still a bit of a rebel for sure

can get very negative - not quite "marked by optimism"

very used to hiding himself (unless you count his bat form as one of his true selves, which it might as well be. like nimona. sometimes he's just a bat.)

he's that kid who has the edgy derse vibes but is actually prospit somehow. secret softie.

look i put him on derse too at some point. he somehow fits both. this time the quiz put him on prospit. idk man he's kinda both

aspect - VOID class - KNIGHT

"One who Exploits with Void or Exploits Void"

not afraid of the unknown. it doesn't bother him

great at hiding… a lot of things

would rather stay confused than believe in something completely false

knights of void are very good at keeping secrets. (even from himself, especially when he can't remember shit)

lives in obscurity, hidden in the shadows

exploits unawareness to drink everyone's blood :3

usually knows way more about someone else than they know about him.

knights have a tendency to be very insecure about certain things and also not really being willing to show it. hiding behind a shield, figuratively.

so yeah that's very bat

this was the only one that didn't change from the last time i messed with classpects haha fun fact

maybe perhaps i will do a part 2 with more vampires later, but we'll see lmao! thanks for reading <3

[esmemarion]

I frankly do not give too much of a fuck what two teens have to say about me, especially when they're demonizing someone for having BPD symptoms that they already openly stated they are trying their best to keep better control of two months prior (NOTE: This is an explanation, not an excuse. I do not want this getting twisted into shifting the blame). I've done bad things and I'm holding myself accountable for them. I got overly protective of my FP (who I thankfully have a much healthier friendship with now),, I got too judgy of certain people, and I crumbled at the smallest bit of confrontation and criticism. These are things I've been aware of and I have been trying my best to work on myself with. I am still sorry for what I've done and I wish to improve myself.

I'm more upset at my friends being attacked for actually being good friends to me and wanting to see me grow and change. Contrary to what some may believe, they do not Blindly Support Me. There's plenty of times where I was held accountable by them and I tried my best to take their advice. Two friends told me I have I have an issue where I tend to talk to people like they're other Mes and... that's something that really made me think about how I conduct myself.

-

Somewhat related but I've been thinking about this for a while. I'm 25 and .. I think I'm outgrowing fandom culture, at least the current state of it. Fandom these days is just a toxic cesspit of discourse, parasocial behavior , backstabbing, encouraging issues for peoples' mental health.... I could go on. It's a pretty big reason my mental health has been at rock bottoml. I really despise being seen as a role model just because I can make something that at least a few people like. I didn't like this when I was primarily a Cookie Run artist and I don't like this in the Pop'n Music community. I am not someone to be looked up to like that. I'm a mentally ill and disabled adult who draws silly hippies because they're some of the only things that make me genuinely happy. They've comforted me during tough times and I only want to spread my love for them. They're still going to be a apart of my life as long as I'm even remotely fixated on them, but for now I am only going to let people who are genuinely interested in what I splurge about into my heart. Instead of people going "Hey, you're that person in the Pop'n community who draws the Sunshine Lovers," I want more of "hey, I want to know about your AU and maybe a bit about you as a person, you seem cool" - I managed to become friends with people like PhantomStrider's asset artist, DreHigbee, because he grew invested in my AU - hell, he thought the Sunshine Lovers were my OCs at first :p

I've learned that I'm a lot more comfortable and healthier in a community of a good variety of people who are compatible with me than just... A bunch of people where the only thing they have in common is the one thing they like. There are cases where the latter can work out well, like recently I joined the community Discord for Tweeterman287, a childhood YouTube staple of mine, and it's one of the most chill servers ever. We're all just a bunch of geeks talking about geek things. I wish all fandom spaces had that vibe. There is a Pop'n server I'm in that scratches that itch too, and it's a place I call home, yet the more fandom-brained folks bash it for not having room for more toxic behavior. Think of this place like a college courtyard where people are laughing and playing No Rules Football vs a playground of kids trying to take each others' lunch money