#but Jesper deserves more love

[gayfanboyfred]

The Honor of Loving You

Sparrow Swift was at Belethor's General Goods selling off the spoils from his most recent escapades clearing out yet another bandit encampment. Jesper and Lydia were there as well with everything they'd been tasked to carry back to town for their thane.

While the dragonborn was pulling out this and that and Belethor was half distracted inspecting it all, Jesper piped up.

“Oh, Belethor,” he began a little awkwardly.

“About that amulet of Mara I bought from you-” he paused, steeling himself. Trying to pretend Lydia wasn't in the room with them.

“It's not working,” he eventually said. “Maybe it's defective?”

Sparrow Swift's ears and whiskers twitched. “Defective?” he asked quizzically. “Is the enchantment not working? This one has been working on his enchantment skills. Perhaps this one may be able to help, yes?”

“The um- the restoration enchantment still works but-”

“Ah, this one understands. You speak of a secondary enchantment. This one hasn't quite managed that intricate of enchanting.”

“He means that he's still alone despite wearing the amulet for a month straight,” Lydia explained, annoyed he'd bring it up in her presence.

“That's a bit of a harsh way of phrasing it, but,” Belethor chuckled to himself, “not inaccurate.”

“This one doesn't understand. Why would an amulet find your heart for you?”

“You don't know about Skyrim's marriage traditions do you, my furry friend?” Belethor laughed.

“This one isn't your friend,” Sparrow Swift snapped, baring his teeth. “But you are correct. This one knows not of the marriage customs of this frozen land.”

“In Skyrim, the amulet of Mara is an open invitation to any that wish to propose to the wearer. Wearing one signifies that you're open to new love and ready for marriage, should the right person ask,” Lydia explained.

“Interesting. But this one prefers to find his heart on his own. He would feel humiliated if he approached one wearing such an amulet and was rejected.”

“So now you know how I feel to learn that no one is even the slightest bit interested-” Jesper began.

“Ah, yes. That is upsetting to learn. To think Skyrim is populated by blind fools,” Sparrow Swift cut him off, suddenly quite annoyed.

“What makes you say that?” Belethor said with a raised eyebrow and an edge to his tone.

“Well, they are all of them overlooking an absolute catch. Kind, sweet, funny, and friendly. With a good singing voice and an amiable personality. It baffles the mind that you haven't found a wife, or been made one for that matter.”

“Oh!” Jesper blurted out, even more shocked than he let on. “Well, thank you, dragonborn. I- that- it feels good to hear that.” He scratched his neck under his helmet. “But that doesn't really help me, I guess.”

Lydia laughed. “Of course not!”

“Why are you so cruel to him?” Sparrow Swift asked, tail twitching irritably.

“What?” Lydia replied, taken aback.

“First you break his heart. Then you flirt badly with others in front of him. Now you poke fun at his misfortune,” Sparrow Swift accused. “This one doesn't understand.”

“Flirting badly!? What do you mean?” Lydia snapped.

“This one means that you are bad at flirting. And also bad at reading people and taking rejection. This one hopes you can eventually grow up a bit and have more respect and maturity regarding matters of the heart.”

Lydia wanted to say many venomous things but held her tongue. He was still her boss. What's more, he was her thane and the dragonborn of legend. She was his subordinate. She used to feel pride in that fact. No longer.

“If that's done, this one would like to sell some of his spoils,” Sparrow Swift said with finality.

“Music to my ears,” Belethor grinned.

Jesper stood back by the door, watching the others. Hearing the dragonborn's praise made his face and ears feel hot and his stomach flip. Hearing him come to Jesper's defense only made those feelings more intense. He couldn't quite explain it. Couldn't quite place the feeling. It felt strangely good though.

Later that night, Sparrow Swift came by his room at the Bannerd Mare. The glare he usually wore was different somehow. Jesper couldn't tell if it was softer or harder. Maybe both somehow.

“Jesper, dear friend. Sparrow Swift has something he must ask you,” he said, voice low and growly.

“Oh, uh, sure, dragonborn. What do you need?”

The burly khajiit winced. “Sparrow Swift would prefer you not use any of his titles for the rest of the conversation. They're too impersonal for the matters this one wishes to discuss.”

“Ookaayy,” Jesper said suspiciously.

“Upon learning about Skyrim's marriage traditions, this one had much to think about. The traditions this one is used to involve a long courting period. This one had no idea you were looking for love, for your heart as this one���s culture would say.” The khajiit took a deep steadying breath. “This one has long admired you, Jesper. Ever since first meeting you, just downstairs, all those many nights ago. This one has been keeping his feelings to himself however. For he believed you were not ready to move on from- from Lydia.”

His eyes were definitely softer now. Maybe because his pupils were more dilated. More roundish.

“This one is very sorry for what she did. The how she left and the why. This one believes she wanted freedom to pursue him. It has happened before. This one is truly very sorry if that is the case. You deserve much better than that. You deserve someone to cherish you. Someone who delights in your presence. Not just tolerates it.”

He got down on his knees in front of Jesper. Looking up at him with the roundest eyes Jesper's ever seen on a khajiit.

“Would you allow this one the chance to be that person for you? Would you allow this one the honor of courting you?”

Jesper felt his stomach drop. This had to be a trick. There's no way this was real.

But he was on his knees! Looking up with those pleading eyes. Jesper's never seen his eyes do anything but glare. Like he's angry at the whole world.

But not Jesper? At least not at the moment. He seemed so genuine. He always seemed pretty genuine but even more so now.

“I- uh,” he stammered. He didn't want to miss this shot like he lost out with Hulda.

“If this is too much pressure to answer immediately, this one understands. He did just admit to quite a bit. He understands if you need time to process,” Sparrow Swift said, averting his eyes.

“I admit this all feels so sudden,” Jesper said awkwardly. “It wasn't all that long ago that Keith had to convince me you didn't hate me.”

“Sudden?” Sparrow Swift chuckled, almost bitterly. “The nords' idea of marriage sounds quite sudden to this one as well. But this one regrets there ever was such a misunderstanding between you and himself. He will have to thank Keith for clearing it up but it pains him to know it occurred at all.” He seemed to be deflating the more Jesper stalled.

“It was pretty much entirely my fault,” Jesper said, still not ready to face the music. “I made some uncharitable assumptions about your motivations. And you were always glaring at me and standing really close. And always stopped whatever you were doing to glare at me while I hummed or sang to myself. I thought you hated my singing voice honestly,” he blabbered with an awkward chuckle.

“This one regrets that you ever thought such things. Your singing is one of your most wonderful traits.”

“Oh, well thank you dr- Sparrow Swift,” Jesper said, snapped out of his spiral by the sudden praise. “I gotta admit I don't really know what this courting period would entail,” he said sheepishly.

“It is a chance for lovers to show each other what they have to offer to the relationship should it become more long term, like a marriage. It is a tradition rooted in boasting status but has evolved somewhat to a safeguard against unhappy marriages,” Sparrow Swift explained. “This one can't fathom being unhappily wed to you.” He sighed. “But it feels wrong to skip ahead to that stage. To miss out on all the memories that could be made between.”

“Love in Skyrim is usually on a much quicker timeline,” Jesper said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“But you don't love this one. Not yet,” Sparrow Swift said.

“I-” Jesper faltered. “I guess you're not wrong. I do feel..something for you. I don't really know what to call it.”

“You do not have to give it a name. This one believes he understands regardless. Those feelings would continue to grow and develop over the courting period. By the time of the wedding, if all is as it should be, you will know for certain that you love this one.”

“I- that sounds kinda nice actually. I always imagined I'd be marrying my true love,” he chuckled softly to himself. “I guess I lost sight of that along the way.”

“Heartbreak can do that to you. You thought Lydia was it. That you'd be together for the rest of your lives. It can be quite overwhelming when that all falls apart.”

“I- yeah,” Jesper sighed. “It still hurts to think about honestly,” he said with an awkward chuckle.

“Yes,” Sparrow Swift nodded. “It'll be long before that passes. Sometimes people hurt you so deeply that even the memory leaves a scar on your heart. That is why this one kept his affections to himself. He wanted to give you time to heal. It is difficult accept love from someone new when your heart is still hemorrhaging love for another.”

Jesper chuckled. “Y'know, that's a very apt way of putting it.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I- I guess I'd like to try your courting idea. I'm sure it won't take long for me to- to fall in love with you. You're already pretty amazing.”

“This one would be honored to court you, Jesper,” Sparrow Swift said with a wide smile. “May he take your hand please?”

Jesper held out his hand, confused but interested. Sparrow Swift took it in his own and kissed the back of his knuckles.

“This one would like to swear an oath of fealty to you, Jesper. It is not necessary for the courting period but it would steady this heart to make intentions known.”

“An oath of fealty? That seems like a bit much, don't you think?” Jesper said nervously, gently pulling his hand away. “Isn't that like knights and kings and stuff?”

“Famously, yes,” Sparrow Swift said. “But this one has always admired that dedication. That clearness of intention. Absolute devotion in its purest form.” His eyes softened. “This one has never had anything he'd pledge himself to in such a way. Nothing short of his heart's truest desire.”

“And I'm your heart's truest desire?”

“Yes,” Sparrow Swift said, so matter of factly Jesper couldn't really argue with him. He still tried.

“Are you sure?”

“Does this one need to repeat what he said in Belethor's store today? Perhaps with more detail since there are no antagonistic witnesses.”

“Why'd you say it like that?” Jesper asked suspiciously.

“This one always assumes there's a 45-95% chance that Keith is in the room or at least within earshot. Currently feeling more like 70%. Would be higher but many sweet and genuine sentiments have been shared and this one has heard no groans from the rafters or windowsill.”

“I should probably just assume that too, huh?”

“He does often get bored and eavesdrop on his friends. You and this one are apparently among the most entertaining.”

“Huh,” Jesper mused. “I don't know if I should find that annoying or flattering.”

“This one chooses not to acknowledge how it makes him feel. Other than paranoid about being watched, admittedly.”

Jesper chuckled. “Yeah, I can see that.” He sighed. “What would this oath entail?”

“This one would promise to remain faithful to you for the rest of his days. That you will be under his dedicated protection for the rest of yours. That this one would stand with you against the whole of creation. That you will never hunger for this one will provide. Your cup will never empty for this one will fill it. That sort of thing.”

“Those sound like marriage vows,” Jesper chuckled nervously. He couldn't deny how his chest squeezed tight at those words of promise, nor how his cheeks heated.

“Perhaps you are correct,” Sparrow Swift said thoughtfully. “This one would promise more in his official wedding vows, however.”

“More than all that?” Jesper gawked incredulously.

“This one would promise you the finest cuts of every meal, the sweetest of treats in constant supply, your favorite mead with every meal, the most exquisite gear always in top shape and hand crafted by yours truly. This one would promise you everything within his power to give.”

Jesper felt his heart skip a beat. “Oh, wow!” he gasped, blush deepening. “I guess that is more. I don't really need all that much though. Just someone that I love who loves me back. The rest doesn't really matter.”

Sparrow Swift's eyes softened impossibly more. “Then you are already halfway to bliss. This one loves you very much.”

“And soon I'll be able to say I love you too,” Jesper said with a fond smile. His face felt like it was on fire, and the heat spread to his ears and chest.

“In the morn this one shall begin his attempts to woo you in earnest,” Sparrow Swift promised. He sighed. “But now, it is late. You should return to your bed. Get whatever sleep you can. This one will attempt the same. With any luck, the divines will bless us both with sweet dreams of burgeoning love.”

“I look forward to it, dear,” Jesper said with a grin as he reached out a hand to help Sparrow Swift up. He wasn't expecting it to already feel so natural to call Sparrow Swift such endearments. He couldn't deny how easily it rolled off his tongue though.

Sparrow Swift's ears and whiskers twitched and his eyes almost seemed to sparkle for a moment in the dim candlelight. A grin split across his face at the endearment.

He took Jesper's hand in his own but raised it to his lips to pepper it with kisses. He stood on his own, seemingly misunderstanding the gesture entirely. Jesper couldn't bring himself to pull his hand away. It felt nice being loved.

Sparrow Swift placed on final kiss into Jesper's palm before releasing him. “Sleep well, darling,” he said, voice buzzing with excitement and endearment.

“Sleep well, darling,” Jesper echoed as the khajiit turned to leave. From here he could see the thrill that ran down Sparrow Swift's back. He chuckled softly to himself as he closed his door.

It all felt entirely unreal. This morning he felt hopeless. Now he'd found someone who already loved him? Now he had the dragonborn courting him? How did that just happen?

He went over to the window to watch Sparrow Swift walk home. He had a skip in his step as he trotted over to Breezehome just down the road. He seemed genuinely happy.

Jesper held the hand he'd kissed to his chest. This wasn't love. Not yet. But it won't be long.

He turned and went back to bed. Staring up at the ceiling with anxious excitement buzzing under his skin, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to get to sleep. He got out of bed and grabbed his crochet needles and most recent project, a scarf for Kevin. If he couldn't sleep he could at least crochet his feelings out. Maybe they'd make more sense in an hour or two.

Just outside his window, Keith leaned back against the roof with a self satisfied smile hidden behind his mask. “Fuckin finally,” he chuckled softly to himself. “Lenny owes me 20 septims.”

[jazzkrebber]

I am a firm believer that while Inej is away at sea, she sends Kaz weekly letters about her endeavors. sometimes she attaches a package, often including a new hat for him, but no matter what, he always keeps every single one. it doesn't matter if she wrote 15 pages or 1 paragraph. they all go in a box he keeps in his room, and he reads them over and over when he's missing her too much. just to see her handwriting again

[tryingforthedelicatehopeofitall]

It's a new day and I still cannot stop thinking about that wesper scene!!!

I am trying to focus and carry on with the day but all I can think about is how in Jesper's nightmare/flashback which was essentially a sweet dream where he got to meet his mom again and she was so proudly telling him how Jesper was a natural and he would turn spoons into rings and coins into keys ... AND THEN JESPER USED A COIN TO MAKE THE KEY FOR WYLAN!!!!

Jesper is actually no longer hiding what makes him special. He is sitting with his lover in his bed and having a heart to heart and doing magical stuff 🥹

*twinkling sounds when Jesper makes the key*

And then the way Jesper is flustered when Wylan thought the key is a coat hook and started overthinking his sweet gesture (he is so me!) 🥺

Wylan saying “that is the kindest thing that anyone has ever done for me.” with his starry eyes filled with surprise, gratitude, hope and perhaps even love (?) 🥹🥹🥹🥹

They are so used to having their armour up but in that moment they are just fearlessly themselves and trusting each other with their vulnerability. I am going to actually cry now :'",,) <3

God I love them and their love so very much!!! 🥺💙💜💖🫶🏼

I wonder if one day Jesper would again turn a spoon into a ring. Only that time it would be the most beautiful ring to ever exist because it's literally crafted with love for someone just as lovely and beautiful 🥹

[ruins-and-rewritez]

Every time the Tumblr @staff gives me boops and then takes them away again 24 hours later I die inside a little more, not knowing how long it will be until I see the boops again 😭😭😭

[aetsiv]

You guys don't understand my pain, I wrote an entire rant thing on Jesper and his power as a Fabrikator to post while I was half asleep and I forgot to save it to my drafts so it's lost forever.

I'll probably rewrite it and post it again sometime this week or not, it depends on how much time I have and if I'm able to put it into words.

[borbealis]

finished it— kaz did indeed anticipate quite a lot. whew! also matthias’s death was unnecessary imo. didn’t really serve any true purpose

[babydollslibrary]

KARMA— JACK HUGHES

jack hughes x fem!reader

published: February 13th, 2023

summary: in which y/n’s ex-best friend has been gossiping behind y/n’s back saying that Jack should be with her instead, so y/n shows that karma goes both ways.

specific lyrics: “you’re talking shit, for the hell of it. addicted to betrayal.” and “ask me what i learned from all those years. ask me what i earned from all those tears.” and “karma is my boyfriend, karma is a god, karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend, karma’s a relaxing thought”

warnings: toxic friendship mentions, light profanity

GIF by teex

“did you hear about what Carley said last week?” i hear as soon as i sit down in my seat at brunch.

“no.” i shake my head. “what did she say now?”

“she was out with her friends, and Nicole and Jesper were sat by her at the restaurant; overheard her saying that Jack should be with her instead of you. apparently she’s convinced that he’s only pitying you and she deserves him because she’s ‘richer, prettier, and has more followers’.” Ryleigh says. “what a bitch! i can’t believe you were ever friends with her.“

“karma is a bitch, it’ll get to her one day.” i shrug. “she wasn’t much different when we were friends. claimed i ‘stole’ Jack from her because ‘she saw him first’, but he and i had already been dating by the time she saw him. we just hadn’t been public yet.”

“but, you’re literally the sweetest person i’ve ever met. i’m just saying, i don’t understand how you could’ve been friends with her for so long.” Darya chimes in, setting her mimosa down in front of her.

“i was friends with her since we were ten, she’s always been this way. a lot of my tears were from her hand. she insisted she would do things in the name of friendship and ‘bettering me’, but eventually, i learned that she was just a horrible person and i should stop excusing her actions. as i said, karma will get to her eventually.” i explain as i scan the menu in front of me. i know how Carley is. it doesn’t exactly surprise me that she’s talking bad about me, she used to do it even while we were friends.

“well, karma isn’t coming fast enough. that girl needs to be humbled soon.” Ryleigh exclaims and Darya nods in agreement. before i can respond, the waiter comes to take our orders and the subject changes.

**

i’m sat in glass seats at a Devils home game, waiting for them to come out for warmups. i switch between glass seats and the WAGS box every few games. i like hanging out with the girls but, i love to see the smile on Jack’s face when the Devils score. especially when he scores and he gets to look over at me and see that i watched and that i’m cheering for him. it’s not too long before warmups start that someone sits at the end of my row, and i look over to see Carley and one of her friends. i choose to ignore her and the looks i know she’s giving me. i have a right to be here, and she’s allowed to come to a game if she wants, i don’t control that. it’s when the warmups start that i have a problem with her. i’m looking down at my phone, texting Ryleigh when Jack skates by, banging a hand on the glass in front of me to get my attention. i startle, jumping in my seat and dropping my phone, and he laughs.

“hi baby!” i immediately recognize the voice yelling down the row. i look over to see Carley staring straight at Jack as he skates past her. he turns around, skating backwards and giving her a weird look before looking at me with a ‘what the fuck?’ face. i shrug my shoulders. what possessed her to make her think that calling my boyfriend ‘baby’ is okay?

i let the comment roll off my back, it’s whatever. i know that Jack has tons of fans, he’s talented, he’s hot, he’s sweet, he’s a total package, i get it.

“score a goal for me tonight, babe!” i hear her call out. that’s when my problem starts. and my anger only increases after warmups, when i overhear her talking to her friend. “eventually, he’s gonna realize how much better he can do than y/n. and i’ll be there with open arms when he does.”

i remind myself to stay in my seat. i’ve turned a blind eye to her glares, i’ve let her gossiping fall on deaf ears instead of making a scene or causing drama, and i know it’ll be worth it in the end. i was raised to remember that karma is a powerful thing, and that it goes both ways. you do bad things, something will knock you down a peg. you do good things, you’ll have good luck. it’s common sense. but apparently she didn’t get the message.

**

“babe, come look at this!” Jack calls to me from our bed. it’s officially the off season and Jack and i have been at the Hughes lake house for the past couple days. it’s been nice being surrounded by his family and even a few of our friends.

“what’s up, love?” i ask, walking out of the closet where i was picking out a cover up to wear out on the boat. i slip the sundress i chose over my head and pull it down over my bikini.

“come see what Bratter just sent me.” i flop myself down on the bed next to him, laying on my side and cuddling into him, an arm wrapping around his torso. he tilts his phone screen towards me and i read the text that Jesper sent him.

—

From: Jesper Bratt

took Nicole out to lunch and she pointed out a girl that she said is obsessed with you. said her name was Carley. heard her talking to someone, saying you guys were destined to be together 😂 even heard her say that y/n isn’t good enough for you? does this girl have nothing better to do?

—

“she really just won’t stop, will she?” my question is rhetorical but Jack answers anyways.

“she’ll get the message soon enough. i don’t want her.��� his words make me furrow my brows but i nod anyways. “you ready to head out?”

“yeah, let’s go.” we stand from the bed, making our way out of the bedroom and down the stairs, meeting the others in the living room before heading down to the dock and onto the boat. i sit and watch as all the guys take turns wakesurfing, choosing not to participate and instead enjoying the summer evening air.

“babe! babe, c’mere!” Jack calls from the back of the boat, where he’s currently wakesurfing. i stand, walking over and bending over the back of the boat so i can hear him.

“look at you, superstar!” i chime, grinning at him. he laughs and shakes his head.

“no, i wanted to say that i wanna take you on a walk around the lake when we get back.” i admire his smile for a few moments, just nodding in response and watching his face all lit up with joy. this man makes me so happy.

i keep myself rooted in that spot until he decides he’s done and gets back on the boat, letting Luke take his place. he looks at me with a wicked grin and i know exactly what he’s planning to do, but the boat is only so big and he catches me quite easily. pulling me to him, getting me wet with the cold water dripping from his hair and body. i shiver and let out a squeal; halfheartedly attempting to push him away. i feel my feet lift off the ground as Jack moves over to the bench seats, sitting down and pulling me onto his lap.

“now my cover up is all wet!” i feign a pout, but all he does is laugh, placing a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose.

“i’ll make it up to you. promise.” he squeezes me tighter to his chest and i shuffle down in order to lay my head on his chest, getting the side of my face wet in the process, but i don’t care. “i love you.”

“i love you too.” i smile, turning my head slightly to lay a kiss on his chest.

*

when we park back at the dock, Jack lets the guys know we’ll be back up to the house soon and pulls his hoodie over his head. he slings one arm around my shoulders, holding me to his side, and sticks his free hand in his hoodie pocket. we continue to walk along the lakeside in silence, just enjoying the last moments of sunset and the sounds of nature. i stop Jack a few times in order to point out pretty birds or various other beautiful nature moments. i let go of him once more, stepping closer to the water and letting him fall behind me.

“Jack, look at the way the sunset is reflecting off the lake! it’s gorgeous.” i turn to look back at him, checking to see i have his attention, but when i catch sight of him, one knee on the ground with a ring box opened in his hands and a watery smile on his face, my hands fly up to my mouth.

“y/n, i texted Quinn right after i met you, telling him i just met the love of my life. at the time, i thought maybe i was over exaggerating, but then i got to know you, and i knew i wasn’t. these past two and a half years with you have been the best of my life, and i was hoping you’ll choose to continue that. y/f/n, will you marry me?” his voice wavers, laced with emotion, and tears spring to my eyes.

“yes. god, yes! a million times yes!” i exclaim and he takes my hand, slipping the ring in my finger as he stands and i pull him into a kiss. my hands hold his face to mine and he grips my hips. pulling away, i wipe the tears from his cheeks and then mine. “i love you so much.”

“i love you so much more, pretty girl.”

—

@itsmey/n just posted

Liked by @_quinnhughes and 26,372 others

@itsmey/n summer nights 🤍

karma is so good to me

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@user1 THEY’RE ENGAGED?! THIS IS SO EXCITING

@_quinnhughes congrats guys! welcome to the family y/n

@itsmey/n thank you huggy!

@user2 OMG!

@jackhughes my forever girl ❤️💍

@itsmey/n so grateful for you

@trevorzegras congrats you two! happy for you guys!

@itsmey/n thank you, z! better clear some time from your summer golfing schedule next year!

[ramen8008]

Okay so.... how's Kaz gonna propose. Because I am sure that no matter how much Inej wants to she will 100% make sure it's Kaz who proposes. Because that's how she was raised and she won't let anything the world threw at her from thinking she deserves any less.

But like...

Kaz: so I have a... proposition for you. This benefits both of us I mean there's tax benefits and all and I believe that if you say yes to this it will...uh be very... favourable to you.

Jesper: .... You know you are practicing for a proposal right?

Wylan: This is a marriage proposal right?

Kaz: yes.

*Nina in the corner shaking from trying not to laugh.*

Wylan: Maybe try being a little more....I don't know...direct?

Kaz: I am always direct.

Wylan: why can't he simply just say "will you marry me?" And we can give him some sweet little speech to memorize

Jesper: No we can't do that. Inej will know he's simply reading off a script. She needs a proposal that comes from Kaz

Nina dying in the corner holding back her laughter.

Jesper: okay try being really straight forward...ask her in one sentence maybe?

Kaz: will you sign this legal bond between us tha-

Jesper: wait right stop there.

Wylan: just ask the question and be more... enthusiastic

Kaz: will you sign this legal bond between us tha-

Jesper: Okay stop right there. We can make this work

Wylan: Yes try being more...happy about it.

Kaz: *stares at Wylan*

Wylan: Nevermind... Saints! He's never gonna get this if he doesn't even try. Do you even want to propose?!?

Kaz: *Glares* Of course I do why else would I even bother being here with you-

Jesper: Okay shut it! Wylan I need a glass of water this is going to take a while. And Kaz do as we say or you're not getting my blessing

Kaz: I don't need your blessing. What are you? Her father?

Jesper: If you really think Inej will marry you without our blessing then you shouldn't even bother proposing

Kaz: *sighs in frustration* fine

Nina, pokes in: yeah he's not getting my blessing

Kaz: What?! Why?!

Nina: I am sorry I might be mistaken but weren't you the one who referred to Inej as your "investment". *Blinks innocently*

Kaz: THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!!

Nina: Your fault that you just happen to call the love of your life that, maybe if you weren't such a dense idiot-

Jesper: I said shut it! Nina go back to your corner and Kaz I need you to pay close attention. Make it short and simple where you ask her to marry you and also tell her how much you love and cherish her, alright? Can you do that?

Kaz: *sighs* yeah...

Jesper: okay start!

Kaz: ....

Kaz: I want to-

Jesper: wait...what was that pause at the start

Kaz: well you said to keep it short so I was shortening it.

Jesper: what do you mean "it"

Kaz: I never speak without filtering and around Inej there's too much to filter so I keep it short but since there's so much I want to say sometimes it takes awhile to gather my thoughts.

Jesper: and these things are like what? Compliments?

Kaz:....sort of I guess. More complicated though.

Jesper: YES! THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO! Tell her all you think about her without filtering or changing anything. Just let your heart speak for itself. Don't think about it

Kaz: What do you mean "don't think about it" that's what I d-

Jesper: that's the problem. You dwell on it too much and don't let yourself be vulnerable but you love Inej right? So what's a better way to show it then be exactly that! Omg I am a genius

Kaz: No, you are an idiot. Why would I want to be vulnerable

Jesper: To show Inej you care! That you are willing to let down you guard for her

Kaz: That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. I did that once, I spoke without thinking. It was fucking embarrassing

Wylan:*raises an eyebrow* and what happened?

Kaz: ... Shit he's right

Jesper: SEE I was right, the last time you did that you got Inej

Kaz: I still think that's a stupid idea

Nina: and you wonder why it took you so long to get anywhere. You need to show her love and romance but since you dwell so much on your thoughts you treat her like everyone else MEANING you treat her like shit.

Jesper: Shush Nina! Don't say that to him, poor guy just wants to propose.

Wylan: Kaz like you said you have a lot to say about Inej to her that you don't. So when you propose just tell her everything you want her to know. Don't dwell on it or anything just listen to your heart and speak

Nina: yeah like he has a heart. My waffles are capable of more human emotions than him.

Kaz: FINE! WHATEVER I'LL DO IT ON MY OWN!

Jesper: just listen to what Wylan said. We know Inej and as much as you might think otherwise we want this to work.

Nina: I-

Jesper gives Nina a look

Nina: What? I just want Inej to be happy and if it's with him then fine

Kaz: Whatever I'm going

Wylan: Just remember! Let your heart speak and don't think about it!

---------------------------------------------------------

Kaz:*thinking* shit shit shit shit

Inej: *Lands behind him*

Kaz *turns around*: Hello... hi? Hey?

Inej: *amused* ...hey?

Kaz: ...

Inej *smiles*: so why did you call me here?

Kaz: *thinking*: shit she's smiling what do I do

Inej: Kaz?

Kaz: *thinking* shit okay I need to stop thinking, just say anything that comes to mind, okay you can do it

Inej: Kaz? Are you alr-

Kaz: Iloveyou!

Inej: *confused* ...thanks? I love you too. But seriously are you alright Kaz? You look like you're about to pass out.

Kaz: No I'm not. I just need to tell you something

Inej: okay.... I'm listening.

Kaz, deep breathes: okay. Here goes nothing

Kaz: I need to tell you that you are lovely and brave and better than anything I deserved. That I am twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that that I can't pull myself together into some semblance of a man for you. That without meaning to, I'd begun to lean on you, look for you, to need you near. I love your laugh and if I could bottle the sound and get drunk on it every night I would. It terrifies me.

I memorized your favorite flower, favorite song, favorite sweet, just to see you smile. Your smile is one thing I would die to earn again. No saint has ever looked after me...but you have, Inej. I want you, Inej. And I'll have you anyway you want, without gloves, head turn your way so we can kiss. I'll give you myself without armor for you to have.

Please, my darling Inej, treasure of my heart, will you do me the honor of marrying you.

[yelenasbraid]

𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 — 𝒌𝒂𝒛 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒌𝒌𝒆𝒓

summary — kaz brekker has stacks of crumpled papers in his desk. no one knows what’s on those stacks of crumpled papers, or who they are addressed to.

warnings — gn!grisha!reader, angst, fluff, slightly ooc kaz because i’m still not convinced i write him good enough lol

𝐍𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐊. the papers that littered kaz brekker’s desk consisted of the usual. detailed plans of their next heist, stacks of kruge, blueprints, and other important records. that’s what everyone saw. no one saw the papers, crumpled, inside the drawers of his desk.

those papers were letters, words strung together to confess a deep rooted love. an emotion that kaz brekker wasn’t believed to have. every letter had a different version of what he wanted to tell you, but never did. he couldn’t bring himself to be vulnerable, to feel the pull of the waves at his feet. he told himself that he’d do it one day, but one day never came. it was too late.

the day you left shattered kaz. he never showed how much it affected him, not in the ways that were normal. he was irritable, more so than usual. he was irrational, he didn’t think things through and he was reckless. he was the things that he’d scold the dregs for being. the crows noticed, though. they always did.

the letters in his desk would go unread by you. the words he’d fought so hard to get right.

i can’t live without you. he sounded desperate.

the reason i come downstairs every evening is to make sure you’re alright. it was true, but again, kaz didn’t like how vulnerable he sounded.

you deserve someone better.

why did you stay with me? why not the little palace? what can i offer you that the little palace cannot?

every small slip of paper, every page, it laid crumpled in a drawer in his desk. every word he’d dreamt of saying to you, it was tucked away in a place that not even he looked at often. he didn’t want to be reminded of the vulnerability that lurked within those letters, the little boy that he fought so hard to keep down showed his face. he didn’t realize how much he needed you until you weren’t there.

“he’s getting worse,” he heard jesper say, and he would agree. he would never admit it, he would never let them see he was struggling. they could never know.

“there’s not much we can do. y/n’s in ravka, we can’t exactly make a quick trip,” nina spoke up this time. you were in ravka, alongside those who truly understood you.

“no, we can’t, maybe we could write?” wylan proposed. oh how kaz wanted to write, but where would he send it? should he send one of the letters he wrote? no, he couldn’t. they’d stay in his desk, in the drawer that rarely ever saw the candlelight.

so, he sat at his desk, going through the motions. he was as stone cold as he always was, ruling with an iron fist over the dregs. they never questioned him, even if he seemed to make irrational decisions or risky moves. that’s what he was all about, right? he didn’t need anyone. he never did.

rumor spread quickly of a ravkan ship docking in fifth harbor. kaz was disgusted at the hope that bubbled up in his chest. was it you? did you finally come back? back to him? regardless, he wouldn’t be out there. he wouldn’t be out there to greet you even though a weak part of him wanted to. he had to maintain his reputation.

you weren’t on that ravkan ship. you weren’t on any of the ones that followed either. kaz began to believe that you were never coming back, that the letters would sit in his office to never be read.

“i never told you i liked these,” you spoke, a smile blossoming on your face. kaz hid his own smile before saying,

“you sound so sure that i gave you those,”

maybe one day you’d come back and he’d tell you that those books were from him, the books you’ve been dying to get your hands on. maybe one day you’d come back and those letters would reach your fingers. little did he know, that day would come faster than he thought.

the doors to the crow club opened and shut, signaling the arrival of a patron. kaz sat in his office, blueprints in front of him. it was the layout of a mercher’s mansion, a man who owed kaz kruge but hadn’t paid up yet. he didn’t pay attention to the commotion downstairs, he didn’t hear the joy that rose up from the club. he didn’t notice anything until a knock sounded on his door. he didn’t answer, knowing whoever was on the other side would just let themselves in.

the door opened, and shut softly. kaz didn’t raise his head, he didn’t meet eyes with the person who walked through the door. soft footsteps echoed across the room, and for the first time in an hour, kaz looked up from the blueprints and laid eyes on no one other than you. he hid his surprise, his relief, but he didn’t hide his irritation, the anger of you leaving him.

“ravka not all what it seemed to be?” he asked, forcing himself to look at the blueprints. he couldn’t stare at you for too long, he knew that if he did he’d fall.

“ravka was fine,” you said as you walked closer to the desk, your eyes flicking over the blueprints. your words vibrated in his chest, causing an ache. please keep talking.

“then why are you back?” he asked, lifting his eyes to look at you. he admired you under the candlelight, how it reflected off of your skin in a way that was warm, unlike the bloated bodies that haunted his mind. you met his eyes, an ache of your own burying itself in your chest. did he care that you were gone at all?

“maybe because i wanted to be back, but i can go if that’ll ease your mind,” you bit out. kaz caught it, too. he could no longer focus on the blueprints, so he kept his eyes on you, holding your eye contact.

“no,” he swallowed. please don’t leave. silence fell between you, and you just stood there, admiring him for a moment. the dark circles under his eyes, the lines of his face, the way his hair was disheveled. you knew that he was different based on the testimonies of the others, but they told you it was because you left. you didn’t believe them, why would he care if you were gone?

“the others said things were different,”

“things are fine,”

“are they?” you asked, “kaz, what’s going on?” his heart sped up, but he managed to keep himself calm. he didn’t want you to leave again, he couldn’t bare it.

“it’s none of your concern,”

“stop lying,” you were serious. he clenched his jaw, wanting so badly to fire something back. to tell you that you had no business talking to him like that.

“you’re bold to accuse me of such a thing,” he snapped back.

“maybe i am,” you fired back. he hated this. he hated arguing with you, especially when you were right, which was more than half of the time. silence fell between you again, and kaz only looked at you. his expression, reluctantly, fell. he was so fed up with the papers in his desk taking up room, but also reminding him of his weakness, you.

he walked around behind his desk and pulled out the drawer, pulling out the papers. you watched him, your own expression softening. he walked back to you, hesitating. he shouldn’t be doing this. what if you never felt the same? what if he mistook all of those soft touches for something else? or the time you so gently cleaned his wounds after a job gone wrong? 

he shakily held a letter out to you. the one that he thought was the best of the several. you took it, and opened it, reading it slowly and digesting it.

stay. stay in ketterdam.

you folded it up, a smile on your face, and put it back in his hands, folding his gloved hands over top of it. kaz looked at you, his eyes searching your expression. his stomach bubbled with the desire to kiss you and the waves that threatened to overtake him. he couldn’t lose you again, so, he took your hand and brought it up to his cheek. your hand was warm against his skin, just how he’d thought it would be. you softly caressed his cheek before pulling away, noticing the waves starting to overtake him.

“i’m not going to leave you, kaz brekker,” you whispered. so, his letters became the letters he never sent. you were able to read them from there.

this is the winner of the polls! hope you guys enjoy and get your fill!

[heliads]

'homesick, but not for home' - kaz brekker

Based on this request: "y/n finally gets to visit their home country after years away in ketterdam with the crows. a sweet little slice of life with kaz finally getting to be kaz rietveld"

masterlist

merry christmas everyone! my present to you is kaz

Receiving a summons from Kaz Brekker usually means one of two things:  either you are about to be murdered, or he is going to ask you to do something before he murders you. Usually, that task involves the distribution of funds from your ledgers to his. However, as one of the bare few who has the privilege of making it to his inner circle, you would wager that there’s a third possible outcome from hearing from him:  he still wants you to do something, but you’ll be killing someone else.

Nonetheless, judging by the expression of the courier who tells you that Kaz is expecting you in his office, even being spared an imminent death doesn’t mean that this meeting will go pleasantly. Dirtyhands has a reputation around here, one just as dark and choking as those black gloves he so loves to wear. No one here knows Kaz as anything more than a shadow of a man, a killer, a convict. To learn that he wishes to speak to you is akin to hearing that Death itself is knocking on your door.

You, however, just smile and turn your feet towards the stairs leading to Kaz’s office instead. The Slat, home of the Dregs, is a rickety ramshackle of a building. Kaz has been doing his part to fix it up as he can, but the floorboards are still masterfully creaky and the oil lamps flicker ominously from their resting places beside each looming door. The stairwell is worst of all, a towering, beckoning talon that delivers you to your fate at the very top. 

Sometimes, you swear Kaz put his office on the top floor just because it would give his victims more time to contemplate their quickly approaching demise when they had to climb all the way up. Other days, you just assume that he was sick of the noise and wanted to find a place where nobody would bother him unless absolutely necessary. Knowing Kaz, both rationales are probably sound.

You knock once on the door to his office and, upon hearing your name called to come in, twist the doorknob and let yourself inside. Gathered in a loose semicircle on the few available pieces of furniture as well as leaning against the wall are Inej, Jesper, Wylan, Matthias, and Nina. Kaz sits, as usual, ramrod straight in a chair behind his desk, and gestures for you to take the final open seat.

“Looks like everyone’s here,” you note. “Should I be worried about missing anything?”

“Not in the slightest,” Jesper chirps. “Only that Kaz has been saving that chair for you this whole time. He keeps glaring at us whenever we so much as look towards it.”

Jesper looks as if he’d like to gossip about this a little more, but Wylan digs a sharp elbow into his side, causing the other boy to complain heartily. 

You just grin, sliding into your seat. “Good. I deserve luxury. I was never made to sit on the ground.”

Kaz coughs pointedly to disguise what you’re sure is a smile. “Now that we’re all in attendance, we can get started. I’ve heard news of a prospective business deal happening off the coast of the Southern Colonies. Expensive materials are being exchanged. Jewelry, artwork, the like. It’s all being conducted by Kerch merchers, but they took everything offshore to avoid the chance of getting caught. If we swoop in the night before and take all their bargaining tools, we’ll be richer and they’ll have to cave to our demands.”

“Of course, our demands,” Nina says, nodding. “What are we demanding, again?”

Inej smiles. “For them to stop breathing down our backs, for one thing. Also, they keep trying to cut into business. They needed this deal for an alliance between some of the wealthier merchers, but if each party thinks the other stole their riches before the swap, they’ll be so busy with infighting that they won’t bother us for some time.”

Kaz inclines his head gravely. “Precisely.”

Inej taps her fingers silently against her leg. “My question is when we’re going to stage the attack. We can attempt to hijack the ships before they leave the harbor, but I have no doubt that they’ll be crawling with stadwatch.”

“That’s why we’ll be sailing along with them,” Kaz clarifies. “The heist won’t happen until we’re on the shores of the Southern Colonies. That way, they’ll have let down their guard.”

Immediately, everyone reacts. Leaving the Barrel is an invitation for everything to go wrong. If rival gangs like the Dime Lions or the Razorgulls find out that Kaz’s inner circle isn’t in town, they’ll hasten to loot the place or kill your foot soldiers before anyone gets back.

“We have to leave the country?” Inej asks doubtfully. “That’s a tremendous risk.”

Kaz’s expression doesn’t shift a second, but you can still sense him tensing somehow, all too aware of the extra burden on his staff to maintain decorum and avoid attracting threats from his many enemies. “Think of it as a vacation. You’ll be able to get out of the city and go somewhere nice. Maybe even get some seaside air.”

Jesper snorts. “Kaz, your idea of a vacation is locking the door of your office and not running your numbers for five minutes. I didn’t think seaside air existed in your vocabulary except as a potential source of weakness.”

Kaz frowns. “Of course seaside air exists in my vocabulary. How else would I know to say it?”

Jesper rolls his eyes and looks as if he’d like to counter that with an equally terrible argument, but you cut him off. “I’d like to go,” you say suddenly.

All eyes turn to you. “Why?” Wylan asks.

A faint smile plays upon your lips. It’s easier to look at the ground than face all of their inquisitive stares, so you do just that. “I’m from the Southern Colonies. Used to be, at least. I’d always planned on going back at some point, but never got the chance until now.”

Truth be told, you were assuming that you would never get that chance. Your parents moved your whole family down to Ketterdam when you were about ten years old, drawn by the call of a quick profit. They were able to eke out a few tentative years, but the city swallowed them like it does everyone else. It’s just you now, you and the Crows and the dream that at one point, you might be able to revisit the place you once called home.

Even connecting ‘home’ and the Southern Colonies in the same sentence seems like something out of a dream. You’ve lived in Kerch for so long now that you can hardly imagine being anywhere else. The Crows are your family, the Barrel your home. It’s a strange life, certainly, but it’s yours.

Kaz’s face closes down. “I’ll go with you. Inej, you and the rest will maintain the Crow Club and its affiliates until we return. I don’t want to risk all of us on one endeavor.”

Matthias arches a brow. “You are willing to brave the risk of splitting up, though?”

Kaz turns a bemused expression his way. “Are you worried about me, drüskelle? And here I thought we’d never see eye to eye.”

Matthias snorts. “Don’t go that far, demjin.”

“I won’t if you won’t,” Kaz muses. “The plan is set, then. We’ll have three weeks to plan, and then Y/N and I will set off.”

He allows the rest of the Crows to leave, but gestures for you to stay. You pull your chair closer to his desk, sensing that the discussion will shift into more details of the mission at hand.

Once the last of your friends have gone, Kaz turns his gaze to you. His eyes seem to stare straight through your skull, and you get the strange feeling that he could read every thought created inside your mind if he just bothered to listen a little closer. 

“You said you were born in the Southern Colonies. I need to be certain that there will be no distractions for a job like this. Can you swear to me that you’ll be focused?” He asks you.

“It won’t be an issue,” you assure him. “I’ll see the countryside and then move on. Honest.”

“Well, I should hope you won’t be completely honest,” Kaz murmurs, the corners of his lips pricking up into a slight shade of a smile. “We are still robbing people, of course.”

“Of course,” you laugh. His eyes jerk up when you do, his gaze hungry for the sight of it.

And– see, this is where you start to get into trouble. You are a criminal, a member of a gang. Every day is a fight. You know that survival is the thing that matters most in the Barrel, survival and how much money you can make off of delaying your last breath. You need to have single-minded focus totally centered around how you are going to make it through each day, but instead, your brain has started drifting to unreasonable topics like the precise shade of Kaz’s eyes or all the techniques he uses to hide his smiles.

It won’t serve you well, this feeling like a slow burn in your chest. Kaz would be the very first to tell you that weakness will only get you killed. People are a weakness. Is Kaz, though? Sometimes, in vague moments in between the times when reality comes firmly back to ground you, you can almost imagine that he might feel the same way. Would he really entertain this idea if he didn’t feel something for you? Would he leave the Barrel to go all the way to the Southern Colonies with you if he could easily send Jesper or someone else?

In the end, all you can ever do is push the thoughts from your mind. The scheming and planning period has got to be your least favorite part of a heist, but unfortunately, it’s also the segment that takes the longest. Every detail has to be perfect or all involved will be caught in the act.

Eventually, though, you find yourself shipping out on a fine sea morning, headed towards the country that hasn’t been yours since you were a child. You and Kaz are pretending to be business partners, which is true enough. His cabin is next to yours. You’re fairly sure he already knows the identity of every other traveler on the ship, just in case.

Standing on the deck and watching Ketterdam retreat into a nameless speck on the dark, vast ocean, you can’t help but wonder what the Southern Colonies will bring your way. Your heart is surprisingly light in your chest at the thought of it. You have dim recollections of the rolling hills and drifting tides, although even these memories have grown hazy with time. You can’t wait to see it again.

By contrast, Kaz, standing by your side, seems far less thrilled about the whole idea. His black gloves are clenched tightly around the railing, his grip hardening whenever the ship tilts too much. You glance around to make sure no other travelers are within earshot, then ask him with a questioning glance, “Why would you make this trip if you don’t like the ocean?”

Kaz shoots you a wary look. “I’m perfectly fine with it.”

You scoff. “Nonsense. You look as if you’d like nothing more than to drain the entire True Sea and simply walk to the Southern Colonies on foot. You could have sent Inej or Jesper in your place, you know. Why’d you want to go?”

“I have to make sure the job goes smoothly,” Kaz informs you. “Business is best handled by myself.”

You arch a brow. “Lovely. Good to know that you’ll never let something pesky like sea travel stand between you and your ambitions.”

Kaz snorts. “I should hope you’d already know that. And to answer your unspoken question, you’re here too because it’s foolish to take international jobs without someone at your back just in case of trouble. I trust you to not let homesickness for the Southern Colonies get in the way. I would advise you to stick to that.”

You smile. “Goodness, Kaz, you trust me? No wonder you didn’t want anyone else with us, if the rest knew you were shelling out compliments this easily they would have teased you for years.”

In the corners of your peripheral vision, you swear you can see a matching smile slide onto Kaz’s lips, but it’s gone the second you turn to look at him. “Precisely my thinking.”

The journey takes shorter than expected, or maybe that’s just your restless thinking. In no time at all, your ship is docking at a port of the Southern Colonies, and you’re turning in a slow circle on the coast, taking in every single sight you can.

“Careful,” Kaz tells you, “You don’t want to come across as too strong of a pigeon. We don’t want to attract any new friends who anticipate stealing something off of us.”

He’s smiling, though, and you swear there’s something a little lighter in his expression than you usually see. Maybe it really is the sea air getting to him, or maybe the fact that he’s out of Ketterdam’s grimy clutches lets Kaz relax even a fraction.

Regardless, you’re happy for it. “Ridiculous,” you say, laughing slightly. “Not all the world is like the Barrel, you know. We don’t do that sort of thing in the Southern Colonies.”

“We?” Kaz asks doubtfully. “Three steps you’ve taken off the ship and you’re already a proper citizen again, are you?”

You just grin. “What, are you jealous? Scared I’ll leave the Barrel?”

He doesn’t answer, but quickly changes the topic towards finding accommodations for the night and planning out an intelligence trip near the location where the jewels are being held. Even walking through the portside town and crossing the streets feels like magic, in a way. You lived not far from here, and everything from the curve of the avenues to the bright sun in the sky feels like coming home.

As it turns out, you and Kaz aren’t the only ones affected by the easy way of life in the Colonies. The two merchers you’ve been tracking are discussing business in broad daylight, obviously not anticipating anyone to have followed them. The job will be easy, and the few days you gave yourselves for extra planning are largely useless since no more details are relevant.

Instead, you take it upon yourself to explore the surrounding countryside. You tell Kaz that he doesn’t have to accompany you every time, of course, he can stay back in the portside town if he pleases, but he still goes with you. It’s funny, the more time you spend away from the city, the more you watch the burdens slowly lift from his shoulders, the light return to his eyes.

One time, while walking through a wooded path, Kaz tells you it’s because this reminds him of his home, as well. He grew up on a farm, once, under a different last name and in a different life. He’ll never have that time of his life back again, nor, you think privately, will you have yours, but it’s still lovely to wander around here and pretend that you could.

The job goes off without a hitch. Soon enough, you find yourselves sitting pleased with jewels and artwork hidden away in your luggage, all items recovered without their owners batting so much as an eye. You’ll leave early in the morning before they can notice you. You feel a pang in your heart at the thought of leaving already, but you hadn’t realized you weren’t the only one thinking about it until Kaz visits your room at the inn late that final night.

You had known it was him at your door from the moment you heard his crisp knock against the wooden paneling. No one else moves or lives like Kaz, with so much precision. When you let him in, though, he looks more wild than you’ve ever seen him. His hair, for once, has lost its impeccable style and gone wild and unkempt. His shirt is wrinkled and rolled up to the elbows. It would still be a good look on him were it not for the fact that you’ve never seen him so little put together in the entire time you’ve known him.

Kaz doesn’t say a word until he is certain that the door is shut and bolted behind him. Then, all of a sudden, the words burst out of his throat, so beseeching that you have to wonder how in Ghezen’s name he managed to keep them from you for so long. “Don’t stay here,” he says. “Come back with me.”

You frown. “Who said I was staying? We’ve both got tickets on the ship departing next morning, Kaz.”

He waves a hand frustratedly to signal his disbelief in this statement. “Tickets don’t mean a thing. I need you to say it.”

“I did,” you frown. “Where else would I go?”

“Here,” Kaz says heatedly. “I’ve seen the way you look at the buildings, this place. You want to say here. Don’t you do it, Y/N.”

You shake your head softly. “I love it here, yes, but it’s not my home anymore than Ravka across the sea. I’m going back to the Barrel, Kaz.”

“With me,” he says uncertainly.

“With you,” you confirm. “Goodness, Kaz, did you really think I would stay? How could I do such a thing?”

“It’s very easy for people to leave,” he tells you. There’s a heaviness in his eyes that reminds you of brothers that have been buried, of farms that have long been sold to undeserving families that were not his.

“Not me,” you whisper. “Not if it was you I was leaving.”

His eyes, which have been sweeping your figure this entire time, looking for some twitch of a finger or jump of a pulse to betray you for lying, leap up to yours again. “Okay,” he says at last. “Okay.”

He leans back slightly, wavering on his heels. “I– I’ll go back to my room, then.”

Kaz doesn’t look as if he much savors the idea, and you decide to spare him from his thoughts, just in case. “You can stay here, you know.”

A soft breath is released. “That would– I could do that.”

He does. And, as your candles burn closer to the quick, as the night settles over this city, you cannot help but be glad for the time when you’ll find yourself in a different one. It has been nice to be here, but you would like to go home. And, most importantly of all, you are glad that Kaz will be there with you.

grishaverse tags: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @story-scribbler, @retvenkos, @mayfieldss, @eclliipsed, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy, @auggie2000, @baju69, @crazyhearttragedy, @aoi-targaryen, @budugu

all tags list: @wordsarelife

[the-moon-stole-my-heart]

Just finished reading crooked kingdom and after binging the last hundred pages or so there’s so much to unpack. All of their endings being almost open ended, besides Matthias (don’t even get me started on his last chapter echoing his first chapter, and how he said he was already home with Nina). Inej and Kaz my HEART and just Inej’s ending in general she just deserves the world and Kaz gave that to her. Then of course there’s Jesper and Wylan living in the mansion and Jesper being Wylan’s eyes for reading and them bringing his mom home.

Pekka Rollins POV at the end in which he is plagued by flashbacks and nightmares JUST as Kaz is with Jordie oh lord. And Inej threatening him in the end, sticking a crow toy with his son, cherry on top.

My love Nina finding her way to Ravka and then Fjerda, I cannot wait for her story to continue. Also knowing I’m going to get more of Nikolai (and Zoya and Genya?) in the next two books ahhhhh.

In conclusion I just love this world Leigh Bardugo has created and I can’t wait to open the next book to dive head first back into the chaotic Grishaverse

[kasagia]

Bruises and scars

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem! tidemaker! reader Summary: Kaz Brekker believed he was too broken and bruised to ever count on you reciprocating his childish crush. You were a powerful Grisha, someone who wouldn't be content to be in a relationship with the human shell that he was. That's why he gives you the cold shoulder, that's why he avoids you like the water you wield so well, that's why he tried to drive you away after the day you confessed your feelings to him. Kaz Brekker couldn't love anyone. It would not be beneficial to either side. But Kaz Rietveld rises from the dead, reminding him of what it's like to feel unconditional, blind love. And he won't give up. Not until he gets his girl back... isn't it too late for that, though? Warning(s): Kaz and his trauma; violence; he's afraid of his feelings but loves the reader; generally Kazzle misses the reader; angst with fluff; I'm a sucker for happy endings, but the boy suffered WITHOUT HIS INVESTMENT; mentions of de@th and bl00d Word count: 7,4k

Counting days, counting days since my love up and got lost on me

"You're sending Jesper to do your dirty work for you? I didn't know you were afraid to talk to one of your own crows." you stormed into his office without even bothering to knock. Kaz swallowed. He really should have been better prepared for this conversation. After all, he knew you wouldn't give up so easily. "What is this?" you asked, slamming the wad of paper onto his desk.

"I thought you could read. This is your next job." he replied calmly, not looking up from the papers in his hand.

"In some snobbish fucking king's palace? Are you kidding me?"

"Nikolai isn't that bad. You'll see when you get there."

"And what makes you think that I will voluntarily leave Ketterdam, the club, my friends, and the Crows for two bloody years, Kaz?" for the first time since you walked into his office, he looked up from his papers, fixing you with a cool, impassive gaze.

"That I'm your boss, and you have to obey me. You needed a reminder, judging by the tone of voice you use when you speak to me."

"Was it because of what I said to you when I almost..."

"No!" he growled at you, stopping you from finishing your sentence. That day had already joined his nightmares anyway. He didn't have to constantly recall your almost-death. "It has nothing to do with it." he said, hoping that would put an end to your conversation and went back to writing down the numbers.

"Do not lie to me. I know when you do it, Kaz. You got scared because I said I love…"

"You can go and get ready, Y/N." he said without looking up from the paper he was holding. He had never felt her gaze so hot and intense on him before. They always glanced furtively at each other, discreetly indulging in the silly fantasy of loving each other.

Like they could ever afford to live a normal life. As if he could ever love you properly—the way you deserved.

You stared at him intently, trying to find any trace of emotion in him, any evidence that he didn't really want to send you away from Ketterdam, that he was only doing it because Dirtyhands was afraid of the growing feeling between you two.

"I can hold on like this, Kaz." your soft whisper cut through him, making him shiver. He could bear your screams, your anger, your madness, but the tenderness, the vulnerability you showed only around him… was much more dangerous to the cold Barrel Bastard. "I can go and return to you like nothing happened. I can stay near you and pretend I don't feel anything towards you. I can stop myself from wishing for your slightest touch. I can hide my true emotions around you and other people, just like I have done before… but please just prove to me that it's all worth it. That you can slowly take off pieces of your armour and let me see and be with the real you. Not the Brekker's mask you wore every time we were on Ketterdam's street. Not the Dirtyhands' cruel version of yourself that you created to survive in this town. Not the Bastard from the Barrel, who has so much power in his hands to take down his every enemy. Just the real you, Kaz. The genius-mind boss who cares about his people, not only the kruge. The man who loves his friends more than anything on this earth. The man who risked his own life and saved me from death's arms more times than I could count. Please… just give me this little piece of hope." he tried hard not to raise his gaze to meet your captivating, imploring irises that could touch Brekker's heart.

He knew that the moment he looked at your face, he would doom you both by giving in to this burning desire to be with you.

But he couldn't.

He had to keep you away from him.

"You must be foolish or delusional to think like that. I'm the Bastard from the Barrel. And I care about my crows, because they are good investments. Nothing more and nothing less, Y/L/N."

"Is this everything that we are? What am I to you? An investment?"

Kaz's mouth went dry as he felt the waters rising around him, when a familiar feeling of panic began to seep through his practised mask. He looked away, not wanting you to read his true emotions. Not wanting you to see how much he wanted to confess his true feelings to you.

No. You're my moon, my sun that illuminates me in my darkness. The reason why I'm even bothering to learn how to touch people without going under the water again. You give me hope and peace every time you're close to me. You're my greatest power and weakness. The only one in this bloody world who can change my plans. The only one I care about in the mornings, afternoons, nights, and midnights. I can't drink, eat, think, sleep, or work without thinking about you. You have the power over me. And that's terrified me.

He desperately wanted to give in to his desire.

But he couldn't.

He was too bruised and broken for you.

"Then I have my answer, Mr. Brekker." you broke the long, tense silence between you two. Kaz was too terrified to shift his gaze from the papers on his desk to the only woman who could easily crack the wall around his cold, almost dead heart with one of your smiles towards him. Too afraid to watch the tender expression on your face turn into a cold detachment, just like your tone of voice. "Sorry for taking up your precious time, boss. But I would rather be the foolish girl who falls in love too easily for her own good than a powerful man who doesn't want to feel anything. Nobody will sit around the table and tell a story about a man who loves only his kruge. No matter how great he was." your disappointed whisper lingered in his office long after you left.

He sat dazed in his chair until the candle stub burned out completely, leaving him alone in the darkness of his office. He stood up, lit a new candle, and watched the flame. He couldn't focus on anything other than replaying your conversation.

Rietveld's voice echoed in Brekker's head, somehow getting through his wall, mocking powerful Dirtyhands.

Coward.

And every breath that I’ve been taking since you left feels like a waste on me

"No way!" Jesper's loudspeaker scream snapped Kaz out of his thoughts. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, and got up from the desk.

He has done nothing since that fateful conversation. Absolutely nothing. He limited himself to staring blankly at the wall as his thoughts of Y/N effectively took complete control of him. He needed a distraction. Jesper's screams outside his office were perfect.

Without his cane, he walked to the door, eavesdropping on what was going on outside his office.

"Find another idiot to tell him. Or better yet, grab some suicide guy from the roof. If he wants to die anyway, he might as well act as a messenger for their one last time before Kaz rips their head off. SHIT!" the sharpshooter screamed in panic, nearly losing his balance as the door he was partially leaning against was opened by his rather worried boss. "Kaz, the fuck, since when are you sneaking around like that?!"

"Why exactly would I want to have ripped someone's heads off, Jesper?" he ignored his comment, eager to find out what they were hiding from him as soon as possible.

Maybe that would effectively occupy his head, so he could stop thinking about the tidemaker for a while. Unfortunately, neither of the two were in a hurry to answer his question.

"You know, there's always an occasion. Theft, insult, threat, frown, bad day, wedding, christening…" Jesper shut up, seeing that his attempts at a joke only infuriated an already irritated Kaz.

"Y/N is gone." Kaz unconsciously held his breath, feeling the whole world freeze around him for a moment, until anger and panic took hold of him.

"What? Did someone kidnap her? How did you look after her?!" he growled furiously, walking back to the office and limping towards his cane. His crows followed hesitantly, watching him struggle as he tried to put on his cloak in his haste.

"She runaway. I lost track of her around the harbour." a new revelation made Kaz freeze again. He stared blankly into the space between Jesper and Inej, turning his cane's crow head in his hand.

He should have anticipated that too. Had a backup plan. But he didn't. He's been acting strangely lately. He didn't recognize himself. But after all, that was what he had wanted all along - to stay away from Y/N. So why had her disappearance made him feel so much worse?

"Kaz? Should we send some people to…"

"No need, Inej. Go back to work. You too, Jesper." the gambler looked like he wanted to argue with him, but the Wraith, seeing their friend's strange behavior, grabbed his hand, and they obediently walked away from their boss.

Kaz leaned against the desk, dullly staring at the closed door.

It was supposed to be better that way. Neither you nor he will ever meet again. You won't exchange those longing glances again. You won't act like a couple of teenagers in love, and no one will ever attack or harm you to get to him again or to threaten him. Nobody was going to get hurt.

So why did he feel like he was going back under the water?

I’ve been holding on to hope That you’ll come back when you can find some peace Cause every word that I’ve heard spoken since you left feels like an hollow street

One week, two days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 29 seconds. That's how long it's been since he last saw your face.

He was secretly hoping you'd come back to him and the crows. Fuck the crows, he just wanted you to walk through that damned door again and start arguing with him, shouting at him, cursing his name at all the saints you knew, so he could hear your voice again.

He missed you. More than he thought he would.

Irritatingly, everything around him reminded him of you.

Especially your empty seat during Crow's meetings. No one dared to occupy it, as if every one of the gathered was waiting for you to come through that door (or window) again with a malicious, characteristic smirk on your face, mumbling some insincere apology for being late.

It never happened. Though Inej prayed to her saints every day for your return. Just like the others. Although each of them experienced your departure differently. Jes stared often at the places you once occupied, imagining you were still there. Nina found herself often making too many waffles (of course, accidentally making exactly the few you were used to eating). Wylan often creates his bombs and other things in your favourite colours.

But Kaz probably took your absence the worst of them all.

If he had slept little before, fearing that nightmares about Jordie would haunt him, now he hardly slept at all. Because every time he closed his eyes, he saw your face. He heard your laugh. He smelled your perfume. He felt cursed. Cursed by you the moment your eyes looked at him full of sadness, anger, and disappointment... full of pain.

He thought that if you disappeared from his sight, he would forget about you and go back to normal. But your leaving only made him think of you more often and longer. He sat behind his desk for hours, staring blankly at the papers in front of him. Spread out plans, bills, and maps; it all stopped making sense to him. It stopped coming together, creating a perfect plan in his head.

All he could think about was you.

And Rietveld's voice, instead of being silenced and buried alive in his cold heart with your disappearance, only broke through his hard surface more and more often with the passing days without you by his side. And he wasn't holding back from taunting Dirtyhands at all.

The great Kaz Brekker fell victim to one of his own plans.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Even Ketterdam has felt your absence.

This time of year, it usually warms up enough for people to shed their heavy winter coats. However, it was the middle of spring, and a cool, icy wind still blew through the streets, bringing occasional, small snowfalls that melted on the street, creating mud.

Kaz had never despised the city he lived in more. Even it laughed in his face at his stupidity, reminding him that it was his fault that the only spark of joy and bewitchingness in this damned city had gone.

He shuddered as a child shoved past him, running happily to the ship that had come into harbour and thrown itself into its father's waiting arms. Brekker began to take rapid, panicked breaths. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings, trying to imagine something other than Jordie.

His haphephobia got worse.

Earlier, he could bear the fleeting touch of strangers, such as being brushed up against him in a crowd. It was no problem for him to touch his crows for a few minutes (especially you and your comfortable hugs, holding your hand, or just feeling your warm skin under his bare fingertips).

But now even the slightest contact with a stranger brought him immediately under the water. And the tiny touch from his crows raised the waves he had to calm in the privacy of his office.

He was rolling down. He knew it well. But he saw it as his personal punishment for hurting your feelings in a brutal way instead of gently cutting you off. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Kaz knew he was fooling himself. He would suffer anyway. He let you go too deep under his skin, penetrate his essence, and know his soul too well to just give up on you, and forget about you.

And what terrified him most was that, given the choice, he would let you in again. Even knowing he would be devastated after letting you go.

But it was better for you. You deserved something better than this life you would live with him.

And that one thought kept him sane. That he did it for your own good, that wherever you are now, he's sure you're better off than you were in Ketterdam.

Which didn't stop him from checking every ship that came into port in the sick hope of seeing your angelic face.

He just had to get over his grief. He did the same with Jordie.

The only difference was that he didn't dream of holding his brother back in his arms like he dreamed of you.

Maybe I, maybe I’m just being blinded By the brighter side Of what we had because it’s over Well there must be something in the tide

Kaz was on your bed, reading one of your books you accidentally left behind. It was all he could do lately. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd left that room for anything other than food and a change of clothes. He missed you. And he had no idea what he should do.

He inhaled your faint scent on the pillows.

In some strange way (probably because of your ability to control the water), you always smelled of the sea, even when you weren't near the harbour. Kaz hated water and hated the salty sea smell that hit him whenever he passed near the harbour. It reminded him of Jordie. But inexplicably, the smell of the sea on you brought him comfort, safety... peace.

Now it was a reminder of something else—how he let you slip through his fingers. In fact, he pushed you away from himself.

He shook his head, trying not to think about you. However, the world was always against him and never made things easy for him. The fact that the dried flower had fallen out of the book onto his chest was proof of that.

With trembling hands, he set the book aside and reached for the flower, afraid he would ruin it. However, the need to see if his eyes were deceiving him was greater than the fear of spoiling such a precious thing.

He remembered that flower. He put it in your hair himself.

"Just the two of us in a field of flowers? If I didn't know you better, I'd think it was a date, boss." he rolled his eyes as you giggled at his reaction.

"Stop it. Or they'll notice us." he muttered, trying to ignore the cool wind that somehow made its way through the high grass. He wrapped his cloak around him, enviously noting that the girl next to him didn't seem to feel that cold. He internally slapped himself for wanting to share his cloak with her.

"I highly doubt they'd want to look for us in that thicket of grass. Besides, usually when a woman is giggling at a place and situation like this, stealing some noblewoman's jewels is the last thing on her mind, Kaz. The same applies to her potential partner."

"As if I heard Jesper." he sighed, focusing on the nobles in front of them. The plan was for Jesper to distract them while he and Y/N collected what they had come for. Simple and fast, if his childish desire to be paired with Y/N did not overwhelm his senses. She distracted him more than he could afford.

"You and Jes also had a secret meeting among the wildflowers? Now, I'm jealous."

"Jes?" he asked, turning his surprised gaze on her.

"Yes, do you mind?"

"You've known him for a week." he remarked dryly.

"Yes, and what?"

"It took you two months to start calling me by my first name, let alone a nickname."

"Just because you preferred to call me tidemaker instead of using my name."

"To be honest, it might have slipped my mind then." he muttered under his breath, not realising she heard him.

"You forgot my fucking name?! Kaz Brekker you are the most ignorant person I've ever seen." Kaz knew from the anger in her eyes that only his haphephobia kept him from getting his ass kicked by Y/N.

"Well, now I remember." he tried to defend himself.

"I don't care, Brekker. Now you can even call me the fucking Easter Bunny and I won't answer you anyway."

"Don't be a child, Y/N. Y/N?" Kaz sighed in frustration when he got no response from you.

He had to come up with something; he knew this name thing wouldn't be resolved until he appeased you properly. And he didn't have time to indulge in your sulks. You had to rob these people. (It's not like his heart ached when you were mad at him.)

Fortunately, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that might help him. Your favourite flower, growing at his fingertips. He plucked a plant and put it behind your ear without thinking. You flinched at the sudden touch, staring at him in shock as the material of his gloves brushed your cheek as he pulled his hand away.

"Maybe I forgot your name then, but now I remember and know a lot more about you than just a stupid name."

"But how… how do you know I like y/f/f?" you asked in shock, never in your wildest dreams imagining that Kaz Brekker would bother with something like your favorite flower.

"You are my tidemaker. My most important investment. It's logical that I'll know you inside out."

"Should I be afraid or appreciate this unsettling but sweet effort?"

"You should know by now that nothing I do is sweet."

"Of course, big, terrible, Dirtyhands." you replied with a small smirk, similar to the one that kept Kaz from your sight.

To her, he could be more than Kaz Brekker. He could be Kaz Rietveld. And it terrified him more than the urge to reach out his hand again and fix her windblown hair.

The mastermind has been deceived by his own heart.

I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my Lord, oh my Lord, I need you by my side

"Zenik. Follow me." he muttered as he finally found the woman at the bar. He headed for his office without looking back, knowing full well that she would do as she was told this time.

"Yes, Kaz?"

"You are contacting Y/N." it wasn't a question. He knew it the moment Nina sent you her first letter a month ago.

He himself tried to send you his letter a week ago. It came back unopened, and the delivery man said no such person lives at this address. A lie he recognised without even knowing that Nina and you were still writing to each other.

"I am." she replied coolly. Kaz, seeing that he did not want to voluntarily cooperate, sighed and sat down in his chair. His leg was starting to hurt more and more often - another thing that went bad with you leaving.

"How is she?"

"Happy. Relatively. She is tormented by nightmares and unwanted thoughts about you." if Nina wanted to make him feel guilty, she did it brilliantly.

He already felt terrible without her judging eyes and dry answers. She must have seen the shadows under his eyes, as he did in his mirror. He had no right to pity himself. He knew it well. That's why he put up with Nina's attitude, in his stupid desire to know how you were doing.

"So… is she better off than here?"

"No. But that's not your problem anymore."

"Did she find someone?" he asked hesitantly, afraid of an affirmative answer.

"Possibly, things are evolving."

Kaz felt the world stop around him for a moment. The idea of someone else watching how you play with water and create ice sculptures, someone listening to your beautiful voice and making you laugh, someone capable of holding you and kissing you, made him sick. A sick sense of jealousy that Kaz only experienced when he saw the wealth of others.

A rash desire to come for you overtook him. He had to have you back. Before you fall in love with someone other than him.

"Do you think if we…"

"No, Kaz." Nina cut him off before he could ask a question. "You wanted to get rid of her, so hold on to your fucking decision. You hurt her, and you knew damn well you would, by ordering her to return to Ravka. Honestly, Kaz, did you think about how it would impact her? How she would feel? If you wanna break her heart again, go on. Chase her. Let's see if she forgives you also this time."

"Then what should I do?" he asked, and the desperation and hopelessness of his tone terrified both him and the woman standing in front of his desk. Nobody had ever seen him like this. Even you. And now he was ready to open up to anyone just to have you by his side again.

"Forget about her. After all, that's what you wanted, right?" he did not answer.

She was right. He wanted to get rid of you. Now he was paying the price, and he had no right to ask you to ease his pain and return to the Kettedram. Return to him. Which doesn't mean that his stupid heart will just let him forget about you. He's learned that over the months without you. And he cursed all the saints that he didn't know it until he gave you the cold shoulder.

Kaz no longer had the right to your affection. He had to accept it. He had to accept that he had given up his chance to love you. That now you had every right to go and love someone else. Even if the very idea drove him crazy and desperate.

He must have forgotten about you. For the sake of all of you.

But Nina's slamming of his office door only brought him back to his memories of you.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

Kaz fell. He was in the most pathetic position.

He didn't care, though, as he sat like a fool on the shore of the same lake where he met you. At which he irreversibly gave you the remnants of his heart a few years ago, without even knowing it.

He told himself that Nina was right. Once he let you go, he had to persevere in that resolve. Ketterdam will only bring you pain... so why was it so hard for him to let go of his last ties to you?

"Why are you coming here with me?" your gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he stared spellbound at your little water show.

"Am I bothering you?" he asked, shifting in his place on the dock as he watched you float in the lake.

He wouldn't even dip his little toe in himself, but he liked to silently watch you become one with what was dear to you. And by the way, he could admire your skills and beauty as much as he wanted. He didn't have to look for any particular excuse.

"No. It's just that I've never seen you watch your other crows train."

"They're not like you." it slipped out before he could think about it. "If anyone sees you, I better get them before they announce to the world that one of the Black General's tidemakers has taken refuge with me." your smirk dropped at the mere mention of your former life. Kaz cursed in his mind. "You are also too valuable an investment. And the rest of the crows liked you. It's a big achievement. Inej doesn't let new people in so easily... me too."

"So you like me after all, boss?" you asked with that mischievous smirk on your lips that made his heart beat like crazy. Good thing water was your specialty. At least you didn't hear his heart pounding.

"You're tolerable company, and what you can do… what you can do is amazing."

"It's just little tricks." you murmured, forming different shapes out of the water. "At the king's parties, I was quite often one of the highlights." you waved your hand, freezing the water to form an ice statue. His statue. "Not every tidemaker is strong enough to freeze water." with another wave of your hand, to his silent displeasure, you melted the ice. "Not to mention turning ice into water again. Most just stop at its liquid form and don't train any more. I like to think I'm too curious to ever stop exploring my powers."

"Or stubborn." he said with a small smirk, listening to your wonderful laugh.

He must have been cursed from the start, since fate had put someone so perfect in his path... someone he could never have. But he could have been watching you. Enjoy his eyes with your beauty and his ears with the tone of your voice.

"Sometimes that's a good trait too. You taught me that yourself."

"How convenient for you to learn from me only what you want and not what you need."

"Sometimes what we want is more important than what we need and what is more rational for us."

"What for example?"

"Love." he tried to keep a poker face, but apparently his eyes betrayed more than he would have liked, as you gave him a confused, questioning look. "What? You've never been in love?"

NO. Not until he looked into your eyes and heard you laugh. Not until he got into your first argument with you and lost with a smile on his face. Not until he first saw you use your powers to outsmart the bandits who attacked you. Not until he saw how the moonlight in Ketterdam made your eyes shine even more than usual, so that you might as well have lit up all of the city with your beauty. Not until he first heard his name come out of your mouth. No, until he foolishly began to believe in Inej's saints, when he saw how tenderly and kindly you treat the orphans in the streets of Ketterdam.

"This silence means either a very powerful heartbreak, or you really only love a kruge."

"What if I really never loved anyone? What if I don't believe in love?" he whispered, looking up at you. You sneaked up to him so that you were standing in front of him. Water trickled down your hair and along your neck to the hand you held out to him. You opened your hand, handing him a small shell.

"The world is too cruel for such beliefs, Kaz. If we don't believe in love, why should we get out of bed at all? Why do we accumulate all these riches and try to survive each day?" Kaz didn't know the answer. Not one that would allow him to avoid the uncomfortable subject of his feelings for you.

He took the shell from you and, being careful not to break it, put it in his pouch. Along with the other little things you fished out of the water.

Your eyes met. You stared into the other's eyes for a moment, lost in your own dreams, which were not too different from each other... Yet neither of you had the courage to admit them out loud and risk everything you had been so carefully building between yourselves. Even if your hearts burned for more.

So he sat with you in silence, watching you play with the water and analysing what you told him. What was the reason for his existence?

Kaz from a year ago would have answered quickly and without thinking. Revenge. But now that he was looking at you, he wasn't so sure about his answer… or at least it was closer to something much different than his desire for revenge.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh It's your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in And I'm tired of being so exhausted

He sat behind his desk, involuntarily reminiscing about the day it all began.

The day he almost lost you. The day you almost died in his arms. The day you told him something he secretly wanted to hear but wasn't prepared for. The day he will curse forever.

This was your first assignment after returning from Ravka and the whole sun summoner thing. A childish, simple burglary. Something to warm up his crows—a return to the reality of Ketterdam without queens and kings and politics.

And so it was. You filled your pockets with valuables and were about to leave when one of the guards spotted you. They were much better armed than you (it was supposed to be a simple robbery with no witnesses and no blood spilled, so you only had daggers and knives "just in case") and strangely familiar with all the secret passages in the small mansion.

Even though you found yourself in a terrible situation, you managed to leave the property. You laid out in the finish as you and Kaz ran towards the club. One of the guards shot at you and hit you. Very accurate, almost piercing your heart with a bullet.

Kaz stared dazedly as you screamed in pain as you clutched your chest and tumbled onto the muddy, cobbled road. He reacted faster than he thought, throwing the dagger at the man who shot you and killing him instantly. Inej would have praised him for such a throw.

But that effective kill didn't matter to him now. He ran over to you in a panic and kneeled beside you, tugging at the fabric of your shirt. He hissed as he saw the blood pouring down your skin.

"Kaz..." you groaned, looking at him terrified. Kaz ripped off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it tightly around your waist, trying to stop the gushing blood. "Cold." you mumbled, shivering in his arms. Brekker didn't even notice as he placed you in his lap; he was too busy to stop the bleeding until he found bloody Zenik. Where was she when he really fucking needed her?

"Shhh…. I know. Just try to hold on a little longer, okay? Nina and Jes will be here soon." he tried to calm you down by running his hand through your sweat-soaked hair. He rocked you back and forth, not knowing who he was trying to reassure—you or himself.

"We both know they won't make it on time."

"If you're wasting your energy talking, at least say something useful instead of talking nonsense, tidemaker." he growled at you, tightening his grip on you. "You're not getting away from me that fast. I didn't invest so much in you to make you leave before…" Until I tell you how much you mean to me... "Until we fill our vault with tonnes of Kruge."

"I could have predicted that even on my deathbed you'd be talking about the fucking Kruges." you laughed, coughing up some blood, which didn't calm his already madly beating heart. Where is that damn Zenik?

"Die in my arms and I promise I'll go back to hell for you. The devil can wait for you - I signed a pact with you first." you suddenly became serious, squeezing his gloved hand tighter and staring into his eyes as if they were the only stars in your dark sky.

"Kaz… I… I have to tell you…"

"Shut up, Y/L/N. You're not dying today." he snarled a warning, squeezing you so hard that he was sure to leave bruises on your arms. Panic rose in him as he felt your body slowly go limp, your breaths becoming less and less frequent.

"Kaz… I love you." you whispered, making him freeze in a daze. You only said those words in his wildest dreams. He had secretly dreamed of it many times, but certainly not like this. Not while your soul was slowly escaping from this cruel world unworthy of you.

He doesn't remember exactly when Nina came running, or how Jesper took you out of his arms, or how he kept up with Jesper's frantic pace as he ran with you in his arms.

But he surely was shaking all the way to the Crow Club. He only breathed a few hours after Nina announced to everyone that you would live. Then he left, without even entering your room to make sure Zenik's words were true, and locked himself in his office.

Tears began to fall from his eyes as he leaned against the door.

He could have lost you. Forever. Another person close to him.

His dreams would be tormented by the sight of your bloody corpse in some dirty alley. Again, he felt like that helpless little boy who had lost his brother. He found himself with Jordie THERE again.

Kaz couldn't go through all of it again. He wouldn't get up after your death. And there was only one thing he could do...

Fuck it all.

He needed you.

He was too exhausted to pretend any longer.

He was Kaz Brekker. He didn't need a reason. But his slowly dying heart without you seemed to be enough of an excuse to see you. Even if you're going to completely break it. Even the cold Bastard from the Barrel saw it as a good deal.

"JESPER!" he shouted, jumping out of his chair with his cane in hand.

"Yes?" his friend was at his side faster than ever.

"Tell the others to pack up. We're leaving in an hour." he muttered, taking out his travel bag from the wardrobe. Even without turning around, he knew a big smile had formed on Jesper's face.

We're going to get my girl back.

"About the damn time, Kaz." he patted him on the back and ran out of his office, telling the other crows the good news.

Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Even though I'm nothing to you now Even though I'm nothing to you now

Kaz had been afraid of a few things in his life, but walking through the threshold of your new apartment seemed to be the most terrible of all his fears.

His crows obeyed him without objection for the first time in their lives and stayed at the hotel. He came here. On trembling legs and a rapidly beating heart. With his soul on his shoulder, ready to sacrifice and do anything to get you back. And if you didn't change your mind, it would be with a mind ready to carve your image into his memory so he could enjoy seeing you one last time in his miserable life.

Before he could change his mind, he knocked on the door.

He waited patiently, hearing footsteps approaching. He held his breath as the key turned in the lock.

But you weren't the one who opened the door for him.

"What?" a well-built, dark-haired man stood in the doorway.

Kaz began to compare himself to him, concluding that, when it came to appearance, he was superior to him in everything. He didn't stand a chance against someone like that for your heart. Doubts began to flood back into him. What if Nina was right?

"Are you going to stand here for half a day or..."

"Jackson!" your voice from the depths of the apartment shook Kaz. It froze him completely, irritating the man in front of him even more. "I need your help here, you big fool. What are you doing?" a moment later, you were standing in the vestibule. Your eyes met. Kaz shivered under your gaze, cursing himself for how quickly he fell under your spell as he stood there completely dazed.

"Y/N." your name came out of his mouth reverently, like a prayer, like a song long forgotten by a wanderer. You looked exactly the same as you did a few months ago. Except for the faint shadows under his eyes, which Kaz considered his greatest enemies.

"Kaz."

"Jackson. Hello there." the man waved at him, stepping between you. Jackson looked at you, worried. Kaz felt both anger welling up in him, a feeling of envy at how close you were with this strange guy, but also relief that you had someone close to take care of you. Not that you couldn't overcome the worst hell alone. He just felt relieved that you didn't have to. "Let him in, or should I kick his ass, wave?"

Wave? Did you two have nicknames for each other?

"It's all right. You can leave us." you said as you walked past him to face Kaz. The man behind you sighed, shaking his head.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

It might as well have been directed at Kaz. For the first time in his whole new Dirtyhands' life, he didn't have a plan, an emergency exit, or another backup plan. But now he was standing in front of you, staring at you helplessly as he absorbed your form. And that damn sea smell in your hair...

"Kaz."

"Y/N." he said as he came back down to earth. He took a small, calming breath. "How are you?"

"Really? Are you here just to ask how I'm doing?" she asked incredulously, folding her arms.

Kaz wrinkled his nose at your dry, angry tone. As he could see, it would be even more difficult than he thought. He stood in front of you, twirling his cane nervously in his hands.

"I'm here for a completely different reason, but I couldn't… I couldn't not come and see you." he admitted turning his gaze back to you after lowering his head in embarrassment.

"I'm alright. My brother and I are having a great time."

"Brother?" he asked. Relief and joy washed over him. Nor could he help himself to this naive hope, which began to warm his cold heart.

"Yes... Jackson. Who did you think he was?" he did not answer. You could have guessed. He knew you saw the flicker of jealousy in his eyes after that strange man called you a wave. You were his tidemaker, his wave, his sea, and all the fucking things. For a moment, he forgot that he was the one who had deprived himself of the right to claim against you. "You saw me, you asked how I was, so you can go now. Goodbye, Kaz." you were about to close the door on him, but at the last moment he put his cane between them, preventing you from doing so. You opened your door again, giving him a questioning look.

"Come back with me." he whispered, defeated. He couldn't let you go. Not again, not after there was still the slightest chance you might still want him.

"What?" you whispered softly, pretty sure you misheard him.

"There's no other reason why I'm here... I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think or function like a normal person without you next to me. I'm one step away from daydreaming about you, hallucinating, and being insane that you're still by my side, so please... I'm begging you to come back to me. I know I don't deserve you and that I hurt you. You have every right to kick me out, but please, Y/N, just come home."

"What exactly am I supposed to come back to, Kaz? A cold, surly boss who is afraid of his feelings? Who doesn't hesitate to hurt me to protect his heart?"

"I'm not... I'm not good at this. Feelings. I... I don't know what it's like to love, but I know that when I'm with you... when I'm with you, nothing else matters. Not Ketterdam, not power, not Kruge, not wealth, not profit—nothing has ever been on my pedestal. Only you. Always you. And maybe I'm terrified of it, but now I know that I'd rather fight my own demons for you than let you go. I will try my best. If you still want me." he stared at you with undisguised hope in his eyes, only now realising how close he had come to you during your conversation. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupping your cheek uncertainly. "I love you, Y/N... even if I'm nothing to you now." he murmured, risking everything and resting his forehead against yours with a sigh.

There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under

He inhaled your scent with his eyes closed, waiting for your move. Hope grew with him every second you continued to let him be so close to you.

"You're an idiot, Kaz Brekker." he didn't contradict or argue with you. He was a complete idiot, pushing you away and begging you to come back, all the while acting like a love-crazy fool… however, he wouldn't have it any other way if it meant you taking your place in his office again. If someday he could hold you in his arms… "You have lucky you're my idiot. With all of your bruises, scars, and everything else." you promised, hugging him tighter. You pulled away from him with serious eyes, making Kaz swallow. "But if you do that shit again, forget I'm coming back to you. Also, we need to seriously work on your communication, Brekker. Do you know how long I've had to struggle here with that other idiot who claims to be my brother?"

"I can hear all of it!" you sighed at your brother's grumbling and gave Kaz a meaningful look. Brekker smiled slightly, causing a matching goofy smirk to appear on your face.

"See? But seriously, I'm not kidding. Last chance, Kaz."

"A deal is a deal. You're never going anywhere without me again."

"A red flag!" your brother coughed from the kitchen. You rolled your eyes, grabbing the edge of Kaz's coat sleeve.

"Shut up, Jackson. I'm leaving, I'll be back in an hour! Try not to burn down the apartment, spitfire."

You didn't wait for his answer as you slammed the door behind you and stepped out with Kaz into the street. Brekker led you towards the hotel where the other crows were staying. His hand in yours, which did not escape your notice. You turned your head towards him, giving him a confused look, which made him smile slightly, shifting his gaze to the port and the sea.

At one point, he noticed that one of the waves "attacked" a trader, washing him over. He cursed so loudly that you could hear him even from this distance. Kaz shifted his gaze to you, immediately noticing the sly smirk on your face. Suddenly, the wallet fell from the sky right into your waiting hand, along with droplets of salty, cool water.

He chuckled, shaking his head in amusement as he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. A self-satisfied smirk formed on his face after seeing your blush.

One day, he will be able to touch you without his gloves. Hold in your arms without layers of clothes on. He will do it. No matter how long it takes him to get rid of the greatest demon of his past. But something told him that you'd keep his head from going under the water again. His queen of waves. His crow. His anchor. And he will make sure that he holds you in his arms forever. 

[alltheworldsinmyhead]

downtown lights

read on ao3

She’s smart. That’s the whole problem with Inej; she is so damn smart. Sometimes he thinks she might be smarter than him. Her mind is a finely-tuned instrument, like his, but it is also flexible, creative, full of ideas. He loves watching her think. He loves watching her, period.

It is starting to become an issue. // Kaz and Inej, last ones in the office one Friday night

#Alternate Universe - Modern Setting #Co-workers #two bitches with no work-life balance walk into a bar #Clothed Sex #well sorta clothed at least #Late Night Conversations #set in the in-universe 80s (very vaguely though)

***

“Why the last-minute second-guessing? Did Harley come in with a counteroffer? Did fucking Rollins?”

“Harley’s, yes, but we overbid them by a substantial margin, so I don’t think we need to worry about it. I haven’t heard anything about Rollins being interested. And nobody will be able to push the offer out over the weekend, which starts in - Saints, what hour is it?” Inej startles, blinking, bewildered and red-eyed, at her wrist watch.

The numbers stubbornly refuse to change.

With a deep groan, Kaz braces his elbows on the edge of the desk and rubs his temples.

“Let’s just - finish for today,” he says. “Not much we can do over the weekend anyway. And the bid is closed for now.”

“It’s technically tomorrow already,” she remarks and he sends her a dirty glare above the rim of his glasses. She tries not to smile.

He’s right though; Per Heskell’s ridiculous deadlines or not, she doesn’t think they can squeeze more out of their brains tonight. The whole office has been eerily silent and empty for hours now, save for their little island of paper and wheezing computers, right by the water dispenser that Jesper calls a watering hole of gossip.

Jesper, she thinks, left around 9 pm, off to his nice flat and ever-understanding boyfriend, saying something along the lines of you two lunatics truly deserve each other.

She makes sure that all files are securely saved and then double-checks. Closes the program only to open it again to check once more and, at this point, she hears some sound behind her that is suspiciously similar to a bemused huff. She drops the papers into the drawer and pushes it close with a bit too much force; the mug of a long-cold coffee standing on her desk clatters.

Her whole body hurts. Her eyes are dry and teary from squinting at the screen all day. Her back aches. The bobby pins dig into her scalp. Her feet are scraped raw, soles painful from the ridiculous three inches minimum rule Haskell enforces in the office for his female employees, all three of them.

(She once murmured darkly I wonder what else is exactly three inches and Kaz almost snorted his coffee out of his nose. She sometimes thinks about it - this laugh and how young it made him look, how boyish - and blushes, despite her best efforts not to.)

Thank Saints it's the weekend. She’s dying to take her bra off. She’s ready for a shower, and then bed, and then aerobics in the morning, and -

“Inej,” Kaz has his glasses off and rubs the bridge of his nose. “I have to wait an hour for a train home. Do you fancy a drink?”

Her heart stutters in her chest. She looks at him, as he puts the glasses back on and runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back. Looks at his perfectly ironed white shirt stretched tight aross his shoulder; looks at the smooth knot of his black tie. She looks at him and he looks at her and something snaps between them, like an electric shock.

It’s been a long time coming, she thinks, her throat dry. But why now?

Does it matter though? It’s been months since Adem moved out, off to be a rich woman’s boytoy and pursue his music. Or maybe just because he was unable, unwilling to deal with her long hours and her baggage, as he used to euphemize it. She doesn’t miss him much, but she misses another warm body next to her at night. She misses being kissed.

And she likes Kaz. Likes his sharp tongue and sharper mind, and the way his sleeve garters fit around his biceps. So maybe it doesn’t matter why. Maybe she doesn't want to wonder about it at all.

“Yes,” she says and she tries her best to keep her voice steady. “Yes, why not?”

“Good,” he nods, his face a blank, empty page, impossible to decipher. “I know just the place.”

***read more on ao3***

[mommahughes19-23]

13 forever - N.H

@mrs.cap : 13 ; the number of years I have loved you , the number you wear on your back , the number that completes us.

tagged : @nicohischier

location : his heart

jackhughes : this is too cute omg 🥹🥹🥹🥹

lhughes_06 : I bet nico lost beer pong 😬🙂

↪ mrs.cap : no , my man is a winner 🙄😡

nicohischier : 13 years , so many more , im so in love with you 🥰😘

dawson1417 : dannnnnng cappyyy looking bufff as hek

pally_18 : y'all are too cute , happy 13 years to you 🥳

john.marino97 : mom and dad omg please get married asap💍💍💍

jesperbratt : enjoyy youre time off , you two deserve it !

↪ mrs.cap : aww Jesper thank you! come see us !!

tmeier96 : I only approve bc hes my cap and a fellow swiss😵‍💫

↪ mrs.cap : I DONT NEED YOUR PERMISSION YOURE NOT MY REAL DAD

bssmith2 : petition for nico to get your name tattooed 👀

↪ mrs.cap : 🙅🏻‍♀️

↪ nicohischier : 🙅🏻‍♀️

ehaula : I like ur nails , serving offseason looks

tofff73 : 💉💉

curtislazar95 : awwwwww that's so cheesy I love it

akiraschmid93 : my favorite Swiss couple ever

holtz_10 : go bestie , get ur mansssss

siegenthaler34 : ouch

dougieham : this is a commitment if ive ever seen one

naterbastia : 💖

jesperboqvist : 💘

A.N :

hey guys , please let me know what you think about my recent works but BE nice. I dont love them but they are ok.

Im extremely bored and am probably going to go to the panthers practice rink with my daughter because why tf not. I want a montour shirt and to see what other Stanley cup stuff they have...

lots of love xoxoxox, im gonna post the pics I have of Auston matthews stick they have there.

xoxoxoxoxox, M

tags : @skylershines @quinnylouhughesx43 @noahkahansorangejuice

[babygirlspurgeon]

aka welcome to the minnesota wild as shania twain songs! this is a many months long passion project @alshaverpressbox and i have been pecking away at but here on the eve of a fresh season we are ready to share! 

daemon hunt - man! i feel like a woman!

i bet you’re wondering how this all started….. mr hunt mentioned this was his karaoke song and well, it spiraled into the rest of this. we thank you for your service sir 🫡

wild fans - you’re still the one, i’m holdin’ on to love (to save my life)

love is stored in wildblr ❤️

jon merrill - i ain’t no quitter

is he the best at hockey? no but he is for mullets & gays <3

jake middleton - you win my love, party for two

there's no speed limit/just go faster, faster, don't be slow/rev it up, rev it up 'til your engine blows (please watch this music video with him in mind i beg)

brock faber - rock this country, no one needs to know

i just know he also screams the minnesota mention in rock this country. also was sad to realize months too late how good of a brock for calder song it is

matt boldy - the woman in me (needs the man in you)

i'm not always strong/and sometimes i'm even wrong/but i win when i choose/and i can't stand to lose

joel eriksson ek - honey, i’m home, gonna getcha good, giddy up

most persecuted girl in the world who deserves a good foot rub and a lil snack

marcus foligno - i’m not in the mood (to say no), party for two

ain’t no need to plan it, jump right in and jam it also yes party for two is for both middsy and moose and they’re singing it to spurge. they're cool fun guys who bring the party what more is there to say?

marat khusnutdinov - ain’t no particular way 

welcome to minnesota get loved bitch

marco rossi - up!, i’m jealous 

nice young man who’s persevered with mild antics for his goalie that he’s totally normal about

zach bogosian - you lay a whole lotta love on me

beefcake..... i can feel your body tuggin' gently on my mind/stirring up a feeling i thought i'd never find

jonas brodin - love gets me every time, don't be stupid (you know i love you)

really need to hear “i gol’ darn gone and done it” come out of this man’s mouth Right Now

liam ohgren - wanna get to know you (that good)

don't wanna miss a minute/wanna be right in it/do everything you're doing/go everywhere you're going

marc-andre fleury - legends never die, when you kiss me 

feel very normal about our record setting goalie really really liking us

jesper wallstedt - thank you baby (for makin’ someday come so soon)

he's here........

filip gustavsson - what a way to wanna be!

giving "android in the group chat" giving nobody’s perfect by hannah montana

mats zuccarello - you've got a way

when your hockey soulmate shows up and your career revitalizes.....

ryan hartman - whatever you do! don’t!

hartzy is soooo normal about kirill as we all know

jared spurgeon - any man of mine, from this moment, come on over

i do indeed give my hand you with all my heart.....

declan chisholm - white claw

so when he calls/say fuck it all

freddy gaudreau - i won’t leave you lonely 

soft song..... soft man....

marcus johansson - c’est la vie

hold tight, it comes right eventually

jakub lauko - (if you’re not in it for love) i’m outta here

passing this vibe check with flying colors btw

kirill kaprizov - she’s not just a pretty face, that don’t impress me much

she's got everything it takes, and yeah she thinks you're alright but that won't keep her warm in the middle of the night.... he is That Bitch

nordy - juanita 

nordy save us, save us nordy

billy g - whose bed have your boots been under?

you never know with that bitch...

gone but never forgotten (affectionate and derogatory)

mason shaw - forever and for always

and there ain't no way/i'm letting you go now

charlie coyle and jason zucker - when

zoyle will be reuninted one day right? right????

brandon duhaime and connor dewar - in my car (I’ll be the driver), if it don’t take two

if i'm not with you/no it ain't worth goin' through/if it don't take two

matt dumba - it only hurts when i’m breathing

do i think about dumbs talking about how he and jimmy wanted to be around til the reds came back all the time? perhaps

dean evason - i ain’t going down

her smile got me through the years/dried away the tears/it filled me with hope

pat maroon - is there life after love?

answer: there is not life after love. at least not for patty "chicago" maroon

kevin fiala - nah!

yeah, that's it (that's all), we had fun (we had a ball)/it was good while it lasted, but now i'm past it

parise and suter - ka-ching

dig deeper in your pocket, come on, i know you’ve got it <- them to chuck fletcher

[magicandpizza]

“Person who believes they’re hard to love” and “person who thinks loving them is as easy as breathing” but make it wesper.

“Alright, that’s everything sorted for the fruit imports from the Southern Colonies,” Jesper says, dating the document he’s been working on and carefully adding it to the correct folder. “What do you want to tackle next, sugar cane or…” He rifles through their stack of mail until he finds the letter he’s looking for, printed on thick lavender paper and embossed in gold. He holds it up with a grimace. “This summer ball invite from Boreg?”

As soon as he looks up from the desk he realises something is wrong. His merchling has curled up on the armchair, knees tucked up to his chest as he picks at the skin of his fingers.

“Wy? Love, what’s wrong?”

Wylan sniffles and wipes the back of his sleeve across his nose. “I don’t deserve you.”

Discarding the offensively lurid ball invite on the desk, Jesper crosses the room and kneels on the floor in front of him. “What do you mean, darling?”

“I know you hate it, having to read everything to me all the time. I know how fidgety you get when you have to sit still, and I basically trapped you here with me because you’re too much of a good person to leave.” The words spill from Wylan’s lips in a sad, frustrated wave.

“Hey, hey,” Jesper says soothingly, placing a hand over Wylan’s where he’s clenching and unclenching them against his knees, but now that the dam has broken, the words just keep flowing.

“And I know it’s not easy for you, because I’m, well, me, and I’m hard to love and-”

“Wylan.”

So, so carefully, like he’s afraid he’ll flinch away and disappear if he moves too quickly, Jesper cups Wylan’s cheek with one hand and encourages him to lift his head to look at him. “Firstly, you didn’t trap me here, I offered. You’re right that import taxes and bills of lading don’t exactly get me going, but I promise you, I’m right where I want to be, because I’m with you.”

Wylan’s mouth opens to speak again, but Jesper places one ringed finger to his lips.

“And secondly, you are not hard to love.”

Wylan’s eyes bore into his, wide as ever and glossy with tears. Jesper strokes his thumb over his cheekbone before continuing.

“Loving you is… it’s the only thing that’s ever made sense. You may have almost died in the canal, but I was drowning too, and I didn’t even know it.”

Now he’s the one who can’t stop talking, but something about Wylan’s gorgeous, brown eyes, the way he’s looking at Jesper so hopefully, makes him want to keep going.

“Then I met you and it was like I could breathe again.”

If he could pull his heart out of his chest, hold it in his hands and present it to Wylan and say “here, it’s yours” then he would. It would probably be easier.

He takes a calming breath and plasters an admittedly somewhat weak smile on his face. “So no more of this kind of nonsense okay? Because loving you is the easiest thing in the world.”

Wylan’s returning smile is just as wobbly. The tears that have been clinging to his lashes and threatening to fall finally do, tumbling down his pink-tinged cheeks. “You’re such a sap,” he finally manages to say, tugging Jesper close by the nape of his neck and pressing their lips together in a slightly damp kiss. “And I’m definitely not doing any more paperwork after that speech.”