#but I'm thinking about our discussion more now and I'm frustrated again

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Had a long chat with some of my coworkers today about work stuff and the state of the world and money and it was grim as hell, but it felt nice to complain and feel validated about said complaints.

But also damn. Nobody in my generation is doing ok.

[spacecasehobbit]

After seeing yet another popular tumblr post with thousands of reblogs bemoaning the state of comments on fanfics these days - more specifically, the supposed lack of commenting these days, as opposed to The Good Old Days - I have decided that this is in fact a hill I am willing to die on. I'm making a separate post about it rather than reblogging the latest iteration, though. This is hardly the first time I've seen these types of discussions, and my issue is with the mindset in general, not any of the specific people who hold it.

In the most recent version, the entire post with all its various arguments and assertions was plenty frustrating across the board, but it included one line in particular that cut beautifully to the heart of my issue with this type of discussion. The line in question:

"fanfic authors now are treated like content mills, and not like valued members of a creative community who thrive on interaction."

Once I read this bit, I had to stop, take a few deep breaths, and then go make my own post before I imploded over the sheer level of NOPE this line inspired. And okay. The thing is... I want to say this as gently and kindly as I possibly can, but I need to be real blunt for a minute, too.

That line I quoted sounds like a wannabe social media influencer.

It sounds like a person who thinks fandom is - or should be - comprised of fanfiction writers, aka Valued Content Creators, and their respective communities of readers, aka Content Consumers, a strictly distinct group from fic writers, for whom they create fanfiction content and who in turn pay them back with attention and validation in the form of comments and praise.

It does not sound like a fanfiction author who enjoys the creative hobby of writing stories based on characters and worlds from existing stories, engaging in their hobby within a community of other likeminded creators of fan content.

Frankly, fandom has always been worst when it starts obsessing over Big Name Fans who wind up treated like elite fandom social influencers, instead of hobbyists engaging in a fun hobby together based on mutual interests. A shift towards the idea that every fanfic writer should be effectively a social media influencer whose community consists of fans reading the content they oh-so-lovingly create (but only if they get enough positive attention from passive consumers, presumably readers who don't write their own fic or expect comments back from the author in return) sounds like an absolutely awful direction for fandom to take.

I don't want fanfiction and fandom spaces to turn into another social media space full of Our Valued Content Creators, all fighting to build the largest "community" of passive consumers turned devoted followers.

Again, that sounds frankly fucking awful.

The people who only read fanfiction are not your fanfiction community, because they are not engaging in the shared community hobby of writing fanfiction. Your fanfiction community is, perhaps, the other people who are also writing their own fanfiction based on someone else's original work.

So perhaps if comments really are declining on fics these days, instead of asking why passive readers aren't heaping praise on every fic they read and making sure it all happens where the Valued Creator can hear it, you should ask yourself how many other fanfics you've commented on recently, and then go comment on another one if you're still feeling down about your own work.

Or, I dunno, find a fic author you admire and send them a message on tumblr, if you've already commented on all of their fics that you read and enjoyed.

Or start your own discord for likeminded fans, or find a way to set up your own fandom forums centered on your personal fandom interests and invite other fic authors to come join.

Or, like, anything that involves reaching out to the actual community of hobbyists you can reasonably consider to be a community you are actually a part of.

Aka, other fanfiction writers.

[hearts4werka]

NNN day 1 | "Don't Do This Again."

summary: a heated argument with your boyfriend Matt who’s the fuckboy of the town about him sleeping with another girl at a party you attended last night but are you going to give him another chance, or value your well being and break things off?

warnings: ANGST, arguing, cheating (do not even try), swearing, no happy ending, slapping, not proofread & possibly more?

authors note: first day of NNN means the first blurb, hope y’all enjoy this and sorry if it’s kinda rushed and short I just need to get this done by morning since I have quite a bit on my head today, luv y’all so much!

no nut november | masterlist | guestlist

“It was just this one time, cmon now!” He argued, throwing his hands in defense and trying to justify his actions in any way. I can��t believe the audacity he has to think anything of what he did was okay, he’s just another typical fuck boy. “I don’t care! You fucking promised me you wouldn’t do this to me like you did the other girls! I can’t believe I trusted you.” I yell back, feeling my frustration filling the air around me as our words echo through the room.

“Don’t be like this, I promise it won’t happen again but for real this time.” He says softly with a lower octave, attempting to get closer to me and get a grasp on my arm but I step away as soon as he reaches his arm out in my direction. “Oh don’t start with this bullshit, you’ve said it too many times already for anyone to believe it.” I argue back, rolling my eyes out of annoyance. Ive forgave him enough times already.

“Please, I really promise. Baby don’t leave me.” He said as I noticed desperation starting to rise in his eyes, I felt a slight prick of symopathy pierce through my heart. Ive given him enough chances I would be betraying my morals by staying, but he looks so desperate. "I dont think youre worth the heartbreak anymore, I'm sorry but we cant be together anymore" as the words left my mouth, I saw something crush in his eyes, his face still shadowed with faint hope. He approached me again and tried to hold onto me again, "y/n, cmon we can work this out y'know? just stay with me and we'll figure this out."

He inhales a sharp breath before continuing. "I might have been not the best boyfriend but I seriously promise ill change for you." he pleads, looking at me as if hes about to drop to his knees and worship me just in hopes to make me stay. I can feel the pain hes experiencing as it radiates off him but I turn away because I cannot stare into his eyes any longer, I hear him sniffle behind me. "y/n dont be ridiculous, we've done this before and we can do it again." he finally manages to grap my arm, his grip being tight and desperate to hold on. I remain in my stance facing the door of his bedroom and ready to storm out, suddenly he pulls at my arm and forces me to face him directly. "are you seriously just going to walk away from all of this? leave us behind?" i hear slight frustration rise in his voice, annoyance starting to now shadow his features.

"I can't let you keep breaking my heart like that, Matt! you really have to stop with doing this to every girl you're with." I state and spare him a single glare before attempting to escape his grip which only makes it tighter and now more angrier, I notice the slow chances in his apperance as well as actions. Them becoming frustrating and mean, the polar opposite of what he looked before, nothing new. He always used it to manipulate me into antthing he wanted but its not going to work on me now. "Don't even fucking try to get away from this conversation, you're staying and theres no discussion." He orders sternly, obviously making it his mission to force me into staying with him. "Matt, you're being unbelievable right now seriously. This needed to end eventually and you knew it." I answer, my temper visibly starting to rise in my tone of voice.

I roll my eyes at him, sharpingly yanking my arm out of his vice grip and storm out of the room as Matt follows right behind me. "I'm being unbelievable? oh please, dont make me laugh right now." He huffs, I turn around to glare at him and now see him fully change from plead and desperation to annoyance and frustration. I almost don’t recognize him, he takes slow steps towards me and stops a few meters away. “You’re even lucky I picked to date you out of all of the girls I can have.” He mocks, looking at me as if I’m the most pathetic human ever. Its crazy how much he changed in the span of just few minutes, it just proved how manipulative he can be.

“Who are you?” I question, angry tears filling my eyes at the thought that he could have never even truly loved me and just pretended to care when I gave him all of the chances he had now completely lost. “Oh how the tables have changed now, huh? Looks who’s now the one crying.” An evil chuckle echos through the hallway, he slowly walks towards me and I back away until my back hits the wall with a soft thud. His face comes inches close to mine, observing my pissed off expression as false hope shadows my features.

“You’re such a worthless little bitch-“ before he could finish his bullshit sentence, I deliver a deserved hard slap across his face. Slapping noice echos throughout the house as he becomes speechless, taking advantage of his frozen state I slip out from between him and the wall and dart to the front door. Escaping into my car as I faintly hear him yell out. “Where the fuck are you going?” By the time he gets outside of the front door I quickly start the car and drive off, letting the tears from my eyes fall freely without any restrain as the last time I see him press his back on the front door with an unsatisfied look on his face.

Guestlist!

| - @sturnioloblues - @sturnsxplr-25 - @strnzzvsp - @luvvs4chriss - @sturniolosweetheart33 - @pussypie456 - @choclatestarfishwithahat - @venusxsturnio - @bagsbyclair0 - @sturnstvs - @dykes4chris - @hoe4matt - @cayleeuhithinknot - @strnilolover - @marrykisskilled - |

[queenshelby]

Daughter Dearest (Part Three)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy (47) x Step! Daughter (21)

Warning: Infidelity, Smut, Dysfunctional Family

The next day, Cillian went to see his counsellor, the same woman he had been seeing every fortnight for the past two years, which is also when he had started marriage counselling with your mother. 

Enduring three years of loveless marriage had, of course, taken its toll on him, but now he had a different problem all together as, within a span of just seven days, he became somewhat  infatuated with you.

"Cillian," greeted the counsellor, opening the door to her office, and gesturing him inside.

"Niamh," Cillian greeted, as he walked past her and into the room, taking a seat on the worn brown leather couch, facing the armchair where the counsellor sat.

Niamh was a small, bird-like woman, with blonde hair perpetually pulled back into a messy bun and wire-framed glasses perched precariously on the edge of her nose. She was in her sixties and had a kind, open face that put people at ease, and Cillian had always found her to be a source of support and guidance, especially during difficult times in his life.

"How are you doing today, Cillian?" Niamh asked, setting down her pen and notebook.

He sighed heavily, rubbing his hands over his tired eyes.

"Okay, I think," he began, before diving straight in. "But, to be honest, Niamh, I'm just... confused and I need some fucking guidance," Cillian  said, his voice heavy with frustration and uncertainty.

"I see," Niamh said, nodding sympathetically. "Is it about what we discussed in our last session? Because, as I said before, at your age, not wanting to be intimate can be quite normal," Niamh said gently, referring to the fact that Cillian had lost his interest intimacy about three years ago when his marriage had become more than just slightly troubled.

He sighed deeply, rubbing his hands over his tired face. "No, actually, it's not about that," he admitted, meeting Niamh's eyes. "It's about something else.”

Niamh raised an eyebrow, but remained silent, signaling for him to continue.

"It's my stepdaughter," he confessed, "I have some sort of feelings for her. Strong ones, Niamh. I didn't see it coming. It happened suddenly, and now, I don't know what to do about it," he explained and Niamh leaned forward in her chair, her gentle eyes meeting his.

"Go on," she asked quietly, her tone supporting and understanding.

"I am attracted to her, not just platonically or paternally. I want her sexually and I feel guilty about it. I have never felt this way about anyone while I have been married, you know, but now, every time I see her, I am overwhelmed by a need to -" Cillian broke off, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

"It's okay, take your time," Niamh said gently, her words an invitation for him to continue when he was ready.

"Thank you," Cillian murmured, taking a deep breath. "It's just that, she's my stepdaughter and I know it's fucking wrong,"  he said, rubbing his hand over his face again.

"I assume that she is, uhm, your adult stepdaughter? Cliona? The one that has been living with you for a while?" Niamh asked after running through her notes, seeing that you had never been mentioned in these sessions before. 

"Cliona?" Cillian gasped. "No, it's her twin sister, Y/N. She moved in with us a few days ago," he replied, his voice filled with a sense of urgency.

"I see, and you are finding yourself attracted to her?" Niamh inquired, jotting down his response.

"Yes and it's making things really complicated. I haven't made a move. But when I am around her, I can't help but feel...enticed, and it's consuming me," Cillian admitted, his eyes lost in thought.

A moment of silence passed between them before Niamh spoke, "It's important to remember that feeling attraction to another person is not a crime, but acting on them in this situation can be problematic and harmful," she said gently.

Cillian nodded, taking that in. "I know, and I don't want to hurt her or my wife for that matter," he said, sighing deeply.

"Good. That's a healthy perspective," Niamh replied, nodding encouragingly.  "Now, let's explore this attraction you feel. What is it exactly about her that draws you in?"

Cillian sat up straighter, his gaze lost in thought as he tried to simply her feelings into words. "It's her intelligence and creativity I suppose. Her curiosity about the world is so captivating to watch," he explained, carefully choosing his words. "She's bold and there's a spark in her eyes - an unapologetic, fierce beauty - that I find incredibly attractive," Cillian confessed, his voice softening.

Niamh nodded, understanding the depth of his feelings. "It's understandable that you would be drawn to someone with those qualities. But as you already acknowldged, your feelings are complicated and can have serious consequences."

Cillian nodded solemnly, knowing that his feelings could potentially ruin his marriage and hurt his stepdaughter. "What should I do, Niamh? How do I move past this?" he asked desperately.

He was at a loss of what to do, and the guilt was consuming him.

"Firstly, Cillian, I want you to understand that it is completely normal to feel attracted to others, even if they are close to us." Niamh's voice was calm and reassuring, and Cillian felt a small sense of relief wash over him.  "So, it is important to take a step back and examine your feelings. Acknowledge them, process them, but above all, do not act on them until you have had a chance to carefully consider the consequences."

"I understand," Cillian said, nodding his head solemnly. "But how do I move past these feelings? Because I just want them to stop."  He sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

"I am afraid that you may not be able to ever truly move past these feelings," Niamh said gently. "And the only way forward, Cillian, is to address them, acknowledge them, accept them, and manage them."

Cillian took a deep breath, his voice filled with exhaustion. "Manage them, but how?" he asked, unsure of where to start.

"By making a conscious decision to distance yourself from her," Niamh replied, her voice firm but gentle. "Even in your own house, do not engage with her  unless absolutely necessary. Refrain from spending any unnecessary time with her. Focus on nurturing your relationship with your wife and your daughter Sadie."

Cillian nodded slowly, taking in her words. "Alright, I will try and do that ," he said, committing to the plan.

Niamh then leaned back in her chair, her gaze steady on him. "It's important to note that these feelings won't disappear overnight, Cillian. It will take time and hard work to manage them, but it's imperative that you do, for your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of your loved ones."

Cillian took a deep breath, his eyes meeting hers. "I know," he said quietly, feeling more resolved than ever to take control of the situation and do what was best for everyone involved.

Tags:

@sunbeamseas @saint-ackerman @oatmealisweird @naxxsstuff @amanda08319 @r-m-cidnah @elysiannook @cillshot @infireddabdab @tastycakee @harrysbestiee @lilybabe22 @adalynlowell @henrywintersdearestgirl @ietss @thatgirlthatreadswattpad @ryiamarie @axionn

@nela-cutie @futurecorps3 @delishen @nosebleeds-247 @thirteenis-myluckynumber @gills-lounge @hjmalmed @lost-fantasy @tiredkitten @sidechrisporn @smallsoulunknown @charqing-qing @hopefulinlove @aporiasposts @shycrybaby @me-and-your-husband @hjmalmed @lacontroller1991 @galxydefender @aporiasposts

@galxydefender @hunnibearrr @saint-ackerman @lunyyx @gentlemonsterjennie1 @ihavealotoffandomssorry @nadloves @lost-fantasy @nolucesn@mcavoy-girl @hjmalmed @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @blushykiss @tatumrileyslover @teawithsatanx @orijanko @rhaenyra4ever @xcinnamonmalfoyx @budugu @nadloves @kmc1989 @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @forgottenpeakywriter @smailaway @sophiaaguirred @blondie-22

[moonsandmobilityaids]

Jealous

Pairings: Poly!marauders x disabled!reader Summary: Sirius sometimes feels a bit jealous that Remus knows more about your conditions than he or James do. He finally admits it. Warnings: Discussions of atonic and tonic-clonic (grand mal) seizures. Series Masterlist | this makes references to Learning

Sirius paces the length of your room, his boots making heavy, deliberate sounds against the stone floor. It's as if he's trying to fill the silence with noise, unwilling to let it linger in the air between you. You watch him from where you sit in the armchair, a blanket draped over your lap to ward off the November chill. The nearby fire crackles, casting flickering shadows on the walls, but it does little to dispel the tension that hangs like a tangible cloud.

He stops abruptly, turning to face you, and his expression is a storm of frustration and confusion. "Why does Remus always know first?"

You blink, taken aback by the suddenness of his question. Jealousy doesn't typically colour Sirius Black's interactions—at least not like this, not when it involves James or Remus. You study him, your brow furrowing slightly. "Know what first?"

"About you." He crosses his arms over his chest, a defensive gesture that seems at odds with the vulnerability creeping into his voice. "Your health. Your...everything. You told Remus about the seizures, about the studying, and I—I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me. Or James."

His tone is almost accusatory, and you shift uncomfortably in your chair, fingers tightening around the edges of the blanket. “I didn’t tell Remus. Not in the way you're thinking.”

Sirius' frown deepens, a puzzled crease between his brows. You exhale softly, reaching for the now lukewarm mug of tea on the bedside table. The ceramic feels solid, real under your touch—a tangible anchor amidst the storm of emotions.

“Remus figured it out himself," you explain, tracing the rim of the cup with a trembling finger. "I never intended to keep it from you or James. Remus... he was just there more often than not during those hospital wing days in our first and second year. He saw things, put them together. That’s all."

You watch as Sirius wrestles with this revelation, torn between understanding and resentment. "But why didn't you tell us?" His voice is rough with hurt, an echo of the confusion etched across his face. "We're supposed to be your boyfriends—shouldn't we know these things about you?"

"Sirius." You say his name softly, coaxing his gaze back to yours. When he finally looks at you, his grey eyes are stormy, a reflection of the turmoil within him. "You and James...you came into my life later. We weren’t even friends until third year, let alone anything more. And by then, it just...didn't seem necessary to bring it up again. I've always taken care of myself, you know that."

His expression shifts, softens just a fraction, as he sinks onto his haunches in front of your chair. His hands rest on the armrests, fingers almost brushing against yours. It's a concession, a sign that he's willing to listen, even if he doesn't agree. "I know you can look after yourself," he says quietly, the rough edge to his voice smoothed by some unseen hand. "But that doesn't mean you have to. I want to be there for you. I hate feeling like I'm not seeing the whole picture, like I'm missing something important."

Your hand moves involuntarily, coming to rest in his hair, fingers threading through the thick strands. His eyes close as you make contact, a sigh escaping him that speaks volumes of the tension coiled within. "You're not missing anything, Pads. You're not out of the loop. This isn't about Remus being special or me keeping secrets from you. It's just... different timelines. He was there for certain things that you weren't, that's all."

A subtle easing of his coiled muscles answers your touch. His hands, no longer balled into fists, come to rest on either side of your legs. The pressure is feather-light, cautious not to press against the tender spots. "I just... I want to do right by you, love," he murmurs, the words tumbling from him like a confession long held close to his chest. "You and Remus and James—you're my world. I need to be part of this... all of it."

His vulnerability tugs at the edges of your heart, a reminder of just how deeply this has been gnawing at him. Your fingers trace soothing circles at the nape of his neck, guiding him closer until his forehead comes to rest against your thigh. "Sirius," you whisper, the intimacy of your shared space lending gravity to your words, "you've been supporting me all along. Just because you weren't there to witness the fits doesn't mean you haven't done enough. You're here every day, loving me in your own way."

His breath is a warm exhale against your leg through the blanket, and you feel his hand tighten on your thigh ever so slightly. "I know you pride yourself on not needing help, but maybe... maybe you could let us be there more often. I want to feel like I'm part of your fight, not just watching from the sidelines."

A soft chuckle escapes you, though the humour doesn't quite reach your eyes. "You're never on the sidelines, Sirius. You're right here in the thick of it. With me. Always."

For a moment, he simply stays like that, his forehead resting against your leg. Then, lifting his head, he looks at you again, his features slightly less tense than before. "Promise me you'll keep us informed about any changes in your condition," he says, "even the small ones."

You nod, reaching up to brush your fingers lightly against his cheek. "I promise, Sirius. You and James... you should know if things get worse. But I need you to promise me something as well."

"Anything," he replies instantly, his gaze never leaving yours.

"Trust me when I say that if I don't divulge every detail from the start, it doesn't mean I'm trying to hide it from you."

He nods, his eyes softening with understanding. "Alright. Deal." His words carry a hint of relief, and he leans into your touch once more, a silent testament to the bond that remains unbroken between you.

Just then, the door swings open with a creak, and James strides in, his hair even more dishevelled than usual, no doubt from an impromptu Quidditch practice. He spots you and Sirius, his glasses sliding down his nose as his eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

"Blimey, what did I miss?" James grins, his face brightening with curiosity and perhaps a hint of mischief.

Sirius glances at you, his lips curving into a small smile before he turns to James, all traces of earlier tension gone. "Just catching up."

James strides over then, defying the laws of space as he somehow manages to squeeze into the armchair with you. There isn't much room, but that doesn't deter him. "Good," he murmurs, draping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you in until you're flush against his side. "I hate missing out on anything with you lot."

Something warm unfurls in your chest as Sirius's smile widens, genuine and reassuring. He takes your hand, his fingers interlacing with yours in a silent promise. "We'll make sure you don’t," he replies, his tone light yet laden with unspoken understanding.

[ivelle-serenity]

Skateboard 7

Wind breaker

fem bodied reader | smut | action | pwp | jayjo/fml | vinny/fml | wooin/fml | joker/fml | hyuk/fml | owen/fml | enemies to lovers | angsty | the other woman (?) | reverse harem | fluff | SLOW BURN! | all characters featured are 18+

author's note: i need demitra's interaction with sabbath now and write smut. damn it. they're so hot--i just can't.

✧˖° — windbreaker men

✧˖° — mdni, smut, description of not safe for work content.

✧˖° — this is a story not one shot.

"Jay's out of it again," Dom sighed, watching Jay sitting alone on the bench. It was currently our P.E. class, and we were doing our stretches. Jay, on the other hand, seemed oblivious to the world, sitting on the bench reading a book.

"He didn't eat lunch again. I'm really worried about him," Mia said, lowering her head.

"Damn it, I hate seeing him like this. Why doesn't Shelly even message our friend?" Dom said angrily, throwing the ball down in frustration.

I kept staring in Jay's direction. His friends were getting worried about him, but Jay didn't seem to care because of Shelly. I noticed my bag beside Jay; I had left it there so I could go straight home after P.E. without having to go back upstairs.

"I'm going to get some water," I told Mia and Dom. Mia nodded while Yuna tried to calm Dom down.

When I reached the bench, I grabbed my water bottle for a drink. I was surprised to find a sandwich in my bag that I hadn't eaten earlier. I took it out.

"Do you want?" I offered it to Jay. He paused and looked at the sandwich.

"I'm fine," he said.

"I made it myself. It's really good! Promise!" I said, sitting next to him. He glanced at the sandwich again before putting his book down.

"Fine, thanks," he said.

I smiled widely when he accepted it. I felt proud of myself for getting him to eat. As I watched him, I noticed Dom walking towards us.

"The tournament's tomorrow. I still can't believe we have to ride without Shelly," Dom said worriedly as he approached us.

"You guys trained for a reason. I know you can do it," Minu tried to reassure his friends.

"Why do we have to fall apart when we're so close to the end of the competition?" Dom sat down beside Jay, who was now eating the sandwich.

I just listened to their conversation, not wanting to intrude. I was only here to replace Shelly in the competition. I didn't want to assume they saw me as a friend. I knew my place. Besides, I had no intention of officially joining their crew. Wooin didn't want me getting close to the Hummingbirds, so joining was out of the question. I sighed.

"How about you, Demitra?" Mia's question caught me off guard. I forced a laugh.

"I'll just try my best tomorrow. I think you can win even without my help. You guys are amazing."

I could feel Jay's eyes on me. My actions yesterday were too risky. I can't let that happen again. I really need to control my feelings for Jay. It's embarrassing because he probably sees me as just a friend, while I see him in a different light. I also don't want Shelly to know I'm here. If she finds out, I'll probably transfer to another school.

"We still need your help to win the race," Jay said, stopping my thoughts.

"Of course," I said, scratching the back of my neck in embarrassment.

"We got you a wig," Yuna said, holding out a bag. A wig? For what? "So no one notices you're not Shelly."

I was stunned and had no choice but to nod. I couldn't believe I was going to pretend to be Shelly. If Noah were here, she'd probably laugh at me. She knew how much I hated being compared to her. But here I was, agreeing to her friends' plan.

"Got it," I said softly.

After saying that, they started discussing unfamiliar things related to the race. I overheard Sangho's name being mentioned, which made me even more silent. I noticed that it wasn't just Jay who was looking at me; even Yuna seemed to want me out of there, judging by her glances. Since I didn't want to intrude on their privacy, I moved away from the group. I approached some other classmates and grabbed a ball to play with.

Our teacher was absent. From what Dom said, they called him Mr. Nam. I hadn't met him yet, but based on how Jay and the others seemed to respect him, I figured he must be a great teacher.

My brows furrowed as a ball rolled towards the school's entrance, played by some other classmates. I quickly went to retrieve it. As I picked it up, I nearly dropped it when I saw a familiar guy.

"Vinny?" I exclaimed in surprise. He looked blank and pocketed something. He had a bike with him.

"You're studying here too?" he said with almost a tone of disgust. Perhaps he said that because he knew his former friends were studying here.

I nodded. "What brought you here?" I asked, looking down at the bike.

"Wooin wanted you to come to a race tomorrow to watch," he said, almost stopping my heart. "And he also wants you to know that you should be at the club every night at 8 p.m."

"W-What?" I couldn't process what he was saying.

"I can't go tomorrow," I said quickly. I didn't want them to know that I was one of the racers tomorrow! "And why should I go to the club at night?"

His gaze turned colder. "Have you forgotten the deal you made with Wooin?"

Damn it.

"You need to be there every night before the tournament. He needs you for the strategies we'll be planning for the race," he explained, looking irritated.

"O-Oh..." I nodded. "But isn't Sangho there?" I said nervously.

He fell silent. "Why are you so afraid of him?" he asked seriously.

I clenched my fists. "I told you, I got into a fight with some guys who seemed to work for him. And... those men didn't just want me dead. They tried to touch me." It felt pointless to lie. They would find out eventually.

"They what?" His face darkened. His eyes widened.

I looked away. "But I think they won't chase me here. But still... I don't want to see Sangho—"

"They tried to touch you? Fuck."

I smiled bitterly. "Vinny, do you think it's easy being a female rider in the underground? Not everyone we race against wants to compete fairly. Some of them want to..." I couldn't finish my sentence.

We both fell silent. Maybe he realized I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was a nightmare. That's why I promised myself I'd never bike again.

"You stay close to Dom," he broke the silence. "He can protect you."

I furrowed my brows. "Why him? Don't you think Wooin can protect me?"

He sighed. "Not like that. Like you said, you don't want any connection with Sangho. Wooin has business with that man, so it's better if you stick with Dom for now," he explained, combing his hair.

"He's part of the Yakuza. He can protect you."

The real question is... Why would he protect me? I'm not even his friend! I'm just his classmate. I don't want to approach Dom just to be protected. I'm not that desperate!

"I think I can protect myself very well, Vinny. Thank you for your concern," I said with a smile. His gaze remained serious.

"I'll go talk to him, then."

"What!?" I exclaimed, trying to stop him from entering the school. "Wait! I thought you two weren't friends anymore?"

I blocked his way to stop him from entering. He was so tall that I was having a hard time. There were many eyes on us because of him. He looked like a gangster trying to enter the school.

I tried to block his way, but it was too late. Vinny had stopped and was glaring at something behind me.

"What's going on?" Jay's cold voice made me wince.

"Call Dom. I don't need you," Vinny snapped at Jay. I quickly turned to Jay and shook my head, trying to defuse the tension.

"You can go back. He's just asking me something," I lied, but Jay's gaze remained fixed on me, then shifted to Vinny in a silent challenge.

"I thought you weren't friends with him?" Jay's comment made Vinny pause and look at me with an annoyed expression. Maybe he was irritated because I had told Jay, or perhaps that was just his usual demeanor.

"Why do you even care, jerk?" Vinny retorted, his voice dripping with disdain.

"Hey, stop," I urged Vinny, my brows furrowed. "Can you please just go? You're making a scene." I whispered, glancing around and noticing the growing number of onlookers. The tension was palpable, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

"What the fuck? What's that bastard doing here?" Dom's voice startled me. He approached with a fierce look, positioning himself between Jay and Vinny. I felt a surge of anxiety, fearing they might start a fight. Both of them towered over me, their presence intimidating.

Vinny clenched his fists, his knuckles turning white. "You..." he couldn't finish his sentence, throwing sharp glances at Dom, who tilted his head mockingly.

"Vinny, just go," I said firmly, my voice steady despite the chaos. His gaze dropped to me, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. He ran a hand through his hair, frustration etched on his face.

"I'm not here to fight, considering I've already beaten you," he sneered. Dom made a move towards him, but Jay held him back with a firm hand on his shoulder.

Vinny continued, "Just protect your new member, will you? You never know who might want to hurt this little one." His tone was mocking, but there was an undercurrent of threat that made my blood run cold.

Dom’s eyes narrowed, his body tensing as he took a step closer. “You think you’re tough? Coming here and making threats?”

Vinny smirked, clearly enjoying the reaction he was provoking. “I don’t need to think. I know.”

“Enough,” Jay said, his voice cutting through the rising tension. “Vinny, leave now.”

Vinny held Jay’s gaze for a long moment before he shrugged, as if bored by the whole confrontation. “Fine. But remember what I said, Dom. Watch your back. And hers.”

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving a heavy silence in his wake. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding and looked at Jay and Dom, who were still tense and ready for a fight.

“are you okay?” Jay asked, with a serious look on his face.

I nodded, but my mind was racing. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… let’s go back to class.”

What the hell was that? Is that his excuse to follow through with his plan to have Dom protect me? I hate him! He doesn't need to do that,.

[weebsinstash]

*strums guitar* you know who would be a total piece of shit, to be stuck up in Heaven fuckin FOREVER with

This douchebag! Gotta get some Adam content out before the finale drops and then I'm sure I'll be back for more then too!

I was listening to "You Didn't Know" again and I HATE this man, and because I hate him and he's an asshole, I can then see his wretched character doing shitty and debauched things

Which then means he's conceptually fuckable and we must discuss

I was sitting and thinking about. Ok in the most dramatic fucking way possible can you imagine being in the courtroom with Charlie as a Sinner Representative because you're dope like that, and Adam just starts fucking beefing with you on sight and you give it right back to him because HOMIE BASICALLY INVENTED MISOGYNY, you're standing in HEAVEN while an ANGEL looks you dead in the eye and calls you a CUNT like I wouldn't fucking tolerate it I'd be screaming at him like a feral beast, "why don't you look at your FEMALE BOSS and say that again, you dickless loser?!"

But can you imagine just having this insane BEEF, you guys are having MUSICAL DIAGETIC SINGING BEEF, and then, like. Either there in court or later on in the plot, hey, everything is good now, Sinners/you can ascend or we can go from heaven and hell and visit our families and everything is good now, yaaay! Or your name was mispelled on a form and it's like oh shit you were supposed to be in Heaven all along our bad and ONLY you are cool to "go upstairs"

And you can't even be happy about it because it's literally "oh cool I DO belong in Heaven!">wait but my friends are in Hell > oh fuck THAT ANGEL THAT HATES ME IS HERE, and sure enough he's standing there at the pearly gates to personally welcome you into Heaven, grinning like the cat that ate the canary, making it EXTREMELY CLEAR that he's basically gonna be stalking you because he wants to personally witness you fuck up and get sent back to Hell where he can kill you himself

Homie is back at base posting photos of you all over the walls like an insane person, "look at this tricky fucking bitch, fucking scheming, fucking planning something, fucking bitch" and even Lute is standing there, ".... that's a photo of them eating a sandwich, sir" and she's like TRYING to see where he's coming from but these are photos of you like SLEEPING and the suspicion that you might act out becomes an excuse to stalk you as he gets progressively more unhinged and perverted and frustrated (in more ways than one)

Let's also just discuss some baseline ideas! Abso fucking lutely do I see him as some, frat boy piece of shit who is always at least vaguely hostile to women so we're discussing female Reader specific ideas. Like imagine he's trying to actually be friendly and be cool with you or maybe you guys even hang out on good terms or whatever, maybe you both play guitar and he likes how you can shred it, and, he's the kinda guy to invite you to hang out and not specify other people are gonna be there so you get there and he's with his buddies and they're all talking about, gross shit like the size of the tits on the girl they last fucked, "oh hey did you sleep with Stacey" "fuck yeah I slept with Stacey you know that slut takes anyone", like, Adam deadass expects you to stand next to him with your red solo cup as they all talk about "the massive cow tits on that bitch" and if you even mildly imply this isn't entertaining "you're just bein a prude babe!"

Like Adam has no self awareness, he'll be saying horrid shit about women and then one of his buddies makes the most MILD of comments about you, "yeah your friend is kinda fuckable" and Adam is like in a RAGE, "hey man, that's not fucking cool! Let's go, outside NOW, fuckin step up, bro!" and he's brawling dudes for shit he's said about their conquests PLENTY of times

Just picturing the idea of like idk Saint Peter or even Emily flying around and they see you sitting on a bench outside far far away from where other people are and they fly down to greet you with the biggest smile, "hiya, how are you?" and you um look at them with such a genuinely dead, depressed, empty expression that they like cannot even fathom it. You're??? Unhappy??? In HEAVEN??? they cannot even comprehend it.

The real kicker is if you started to CRY and look this angel or seraph directly in the eyes as you ask, "can i... go back to Hell? I'm allowed to leave, right?" and THAT'S what raises massive red flags and sends that angel straight to their fucking boss. Sera would be over here, "oh she's having problems with Adam oh that's unfortunate but they'll sort them out -- WAIT WHAT DO YOU M E A N SHE WANTS TO LEAVE????" And,, oh, NOW they suddenly care about how happy you are, NOW they're suddenly willing to help maybe mildly keep Adam away from you. Because why? Because now you're potentially going to damage Heaven's perfect track record, and, geez they can't have you running around DEPRESSED, with your face looking all... ICKY and SAD! What if you made the other darlin-- I mean other residents of heaven sad and they maybe wanted to leave their precious angel protectors too? Huh? Ever think of that?

I love how I was sitting over here "what if like the entire Spider Society was yandere for the Reader" and ever since then my brain is like a puppy chasing treats, "what if I made this entire community mentally unhinged"

Also. Carmilla Carmine and her family + Zestial protecting Reader from Adam or any other angels because 👏 we can have as many mommies or daddies or fake family members as we want down here and that's the facts on that 👏

[linkspooky]

"And we don't have the luxury of thinking of ourselves. We just got to save people. So start by saving me, Itadori!" This actually shows Megumi has somewhat of an agency as a sorcerer. Ater all he vowed to get stronger after Yuji's apparnet death. He doesn't think of giving up being a sorcerer to be a kid. Now, Megumi's rejecting Yuji's help, the very same thing Yuji did to him. Plus, refusing to even try to 'wake up' means the death of other characters (Gojo, Higurum probably more others soon) will be for nothing... because Megumi's being selfish by giving up in the eleventh hour. That's why the fans are all mad at him."

Hello, friend I thought I'd use your post as a jumping off point to continue our discussion. I'm not necessarily trying to argue with you, just further explain my point and why Gege made the story choices that he did.

So one of the reasons I chose Killua as my comparison to Megumi, besides the obvious inspiration Mgumi takes from Killua's arc, is that despite the fact that Killua has many of the same character flaws and setbacks as Megumi he's much more well-received in western fandom spaces.

Killua also has a pretty straightforward arc, he still has character flaws, he idolizes Gon way too much and that makes him incapable of calling out Gon's flaws, or getting Gon to listen to him in his worst moment during the Neferpitou fight where Gon gives up everything to destroy Pitou pointlessly. However, even in those moments where Killua is failing Killua is still portrayed incredibly sympathetically. The audience reaction when Killua is failing is vastly different to when Megumi fails. When Killua is at his lowest point in chapter 241, there's no "get back up loser" it's "awe Killua."

That's because again Killua's arc is so clearly telegraphed. When Killua is at his lowest point, you in the audience understand that he is there and why he can't get up instead of yelling at him in frustration. At his lowest point he's still presented as being selfless towards Gon and chiding himself for not being of use to Gon, he's not giving up because he's too weak to keep going like Megumi is.

Killua on the whole is a lot more likable than Megumi too, but I think this stems from the fact that the narrative of Hunter x Hunter paints him in a better light, he has a mostly positive character arc where he learns to stand on his own two feet and forms a healthy relationship with both Gon and his sister - whereas Megumi has a negative / corruption arc which goes in the opposite direction of Killua's.

However, I would argue because Megumi is painted as more selfish, and allowed to be more unlikable that he is better written in Killua because there's an element of ambiguity that's not there in Killua's arc.

Megumi reaches his lowest point where he can't move similiar to Killua, but instead of spending his last moments thinking about how much he wanted to be of use to Gon, instead he's begging for death and drowning in his own self-pity not even looking up to see Yuji right there in front of him trying to save him.

You're right that he comes off as selfish, and a lot less likable to the audience and rightfully so. I feel like we're supposed to be frustrated at Megumi here for not seeing how much effort everyone is putting into saving him.

However, sometimes characters are unlikable on purpose!

Sometimes character writing and what a characters actions means for their story and themes is more important than whether or not the audience finds that character likable. Sometimes a writer might even have the character make an unpopular choice that the audience will disagree with, in order to make the audience angry and frustrated with them on purpose. After all, you yourself are saying you're worried about all of your other favorite characters getting harmed now that Megumi doesn't want to be saved - that creates tension in the scene. The scene is more complicated now and there's more at risk, because now things aren't as easy as Yuji reaching out and saving Megumi.

Gege is also using a tactic called delayed gratification here. Delayed or deferred gratification is the resistance to the temptation of immediate pleasure in the hope of obtaining a valuable and long-lasting reward in the long term.

Instant gratification would be Yuji's first attempt at reaching out to Megumi working, Megumi reaching out his hand, Sukuna being defeated, Megumi and Yuji hugging and everyone going home happy.

Of course, then the story would be over as well.

By delaying gratification and not giving the audience what they want right away, the effect when Megumi is finally saved, or in my opinion, what should happen when he decides to save himself will be even greater.

As I was trying to illustrate above Megumi's arc is in my opinion better than Killua's, because it doesn't follow a handy dandy roadmap on where Gege is going to go with his character. Things aren't as clear cut and there's an element of ambiguity. Ambiguity in this context meaning what the author wants, Megumi's thoughts and his wants / trauma, and where Megumi's arc is going are not as clear cut.

Gege cited Nasu's writing as a major inspiration on his because they skip explanations and instead let the audience try to explain things and put the pieces together for themselves.

I think when writing gets really good, we reach a point where "What's written is just as important as what's not written." That doesn't really make a lot of sense so let me explain it. Good writing does not spell out everything for the audience, but instead relies on audience inference to fill in the blanks, because then the reader becomes an active participant in writing the story and has to draw their own conlclusions instead of remaining a passive reader.

Megumi never thinks out loud that he didn't want to be a sorcerer and that he wanted to be a kid like Killua did, but there are things in story that implies Megumi thinks that way. The way he thinks he can never live up to Gojo's level or reach Gojo's heights. The way he doesn't even seem to want to. The way that personal connections like his connection to Yuji and Tsumiki is way more important to him then his duty as a sorcerer.

The way that Megumi doesn't ever seem to believe that he's as capable as being strong of as Gojo, and doesn't even seem to want to try either. This passive resistance Megumi shows to becoming what Gojo wants him to be, is basically the only way he ever grasps for agency.

Megumi is kind of like a really lazy smart kid, who never turns in his homework but manages to pass classes anyway because he's good at taking tests. He's so naturally talented that unlike characters like Yuji who are newcomers who have to give it their all - Megumi can just coast on being born with an extremely strong technique and not having to put the effort in for most of the story.

Megumi's choice to coast though is like I said - passive resistance. Megumi never says out loud that he doesn't want to be a sorcerer, but we can analyze from his behavior, his constant habit of half-assing things that maybe there's a reason he can't put his all into being a sorcerer. I mean someone on reddit put this entire collage together on how unmotivated Megumi is to put the work in to develop his talents.

The question is why in the manga where everyone is trying to be stronger, does Megumi keep half-assing things and not put his full effort in, why doesn't he seem to enjoy getting stronger the way say, Maki, and Yuji does. The answer isn't directly given to us, but all the way back in the third chapter Yaga says that sorcerers can't use other people as their reasons for being a sorcerer. It's an incredibly deadly and terrible job and if you don't know your own reason for why you want to be a sorcerer, you won't perform as well and you'll begin to doubt yourself.

Yet, here's Megumi doing that exact same thing that Yaga warned about. Megumi didn't become a sorcerer because he wanted to or for his own reasons. He was groomed into being a sorcerer by Gojo, his options were 1) starve, 2) go to the zen'in and be a sorcerer anyway and your sister will most likely be abused 3) be a sorcerer under Gojo but Gojo will leave your sister alone.

Megumi convinced himself that he wanted to become a sorcerer for Tsumiki's sake, that he was sacrificing himself so Tsumiki could at least continue to live a normal life but he's not even able to protect Tsumiki. When she becomes cursed, he's robbed of his entire reason for becoming a sorcerer under Gojo in the first place, but he has to just keep going on the vain hope that Tsumiki will wake up one day. Perhaps that's the reason that Megumi immediately grew so close to Yuji too, because Yuji reminded him of Tsumiki, but while he failed to save Tsumiki Yuji was still around and someone he could actively want to save.

Megumi doesn't want to be a sorcerer, but he has to be one and so in order to convince himself that he wants to do his job he tells himself he's doing it for the sake of Yuji, or Tsumiki. If he thinks that his sacrifice is somehow helping the people he loves either directly or indirectly then he can keep going.

That small amount of selfishness is the only agency he's able to reclaim for himself, that he's not sacrificing himself for the greater good or trying to save everyone like Yuji is, he's only trying to save a small group of people so he doesn't have to exert himself too much.

However, even that is basically just lipservice to being selfish, because in the end Megumi doesn't really benefit from his own actions. He does everything he does for other people. Even if it's for his own selfish reasons - to give him a motivation to keep going in this really shitty job of being a sorcerer he was forced into, even if he's using other people as an excuse to keep doing his job he's still not really a selfish person. He's not allowed to be selfish because he's not allowed to think for himself or make decisions for himself b/c he's been so thoroughly undermined by Gojo's grooming of him.

This is the paradox that is Megumi Fushiguro. He is presented to us as a very selfish character, especially in contrast to the all-loving hero Yuji, he's much more childish, prone to angst and failure and yet Megumi isn't really that selfish. Because true selfishness requires agency and the decision to decide for one's self and Megumi doesn't have that.

Sometimes, characters will make selfish and unlikable decisions in order to serve a greater story purpose even if the audience doesn't approve of them.

Megumi's character is better written than say Killua's, or even other characters in Jujutsu Kaisen because as a complex abuse victim he struggles internally with his issues, and growing past them instead of immediately getting back up on his feet to do the right thing. It's really easy to sympathize with Killua not wanting to be a murderer, because that's easy to understand. When Killua goes he wants to make friends not be an assassin the audience is immediately on his side. When Megumi doesn't want to be a sorcerer, a job that everyone else in the manga including characters like Yuji and Maki are fine with being and don't question whether or not they want to be sorcerers or get stronger then he looks selfish and weak-willed in comparison.

Megumi's internal struggles to form his own identity and grasp at agency are probably the most complex and best written character work because it's not immediately gratifying. Megumi's arc is not a straightforward arc, things have to get worse for him before they get better.

It's like in season 3 of avatar with Zuko. Zuko looked ready to change sides with team avatar at the end of season 2, but he regresses and sides with Azula instead when he thinks he's getting everything he wanted on a silver plate. It might seem more frustrating to not get what the audience wants, Zuko joining team avatar right away, but by delaying that immediate gratification the payoff for when Zuko does join team avatar is greater. Sometimes it's better to be less straightforward, because then characters feel like people with internal struggles and not pieces you are moving down a pre-determined path.

Let me compare Megumi to a character in story who's arc is pretty universally beloved, but I will argue is less complex than his. You could say for Megumi, well Maki's sister died and not only did she get over it she used that death to climb to even greater heights and she's now one of the most powerful characters in the manga.

This seems to be what readers want for Megumi, for him to get over Tsumiki's death and then live up to the potential that he's been foreshadowed to have. If the audience had their way, the same way that Maki was destined to become the next Toji, Megumi would step up right away after Tsumiki's death, become the next Gojo and become as powerful as Maki.

However, here's my question do we as readers really feel Maki's mourning for Mai? I mean if you were a fan of Mai you probably feel sad at her death because she was a character that you liked, but does the narrative ever take the space to have Maki struggle to come to terms with the loss of Mai?

No, because Maki pretty much immediately gets a power up afterwards. We don't really feel Maki's loss for Mai, because we get that immediate gratifaction. Maki never lays on the ground and wallows, she never gives up, in fact we get some pretty immediate catharsis too because Maki goes on to murder all of Mai's killers.

Mai's death doesn't seem like the tragic event that it is, because it's not played as a tragedy, but as Maki coming into her own power. There's nothing wrong with this I suppose, but it's less emotionally complex because we take no time for Maki to internally deal with the loss of Mai, to feel that loss. Tsumiki is way less of a character than Mai, but her death is an unequivocal tragedy because nothing good comes out of it, Megumi doesn't get to avenge Tsumiki's death, it's only a tragedy, it's only suffering.

If you're satisfied with Maki's arc that's fine, but like I said it's a lot like Killua's in that it's very clearly signposted where we are going. It's narratively convenient. Like, when Maki is at her lowest point, a sumo guy shows up out of nowhere to give the exact words to encourage her and lead her character to the conclusions she's supposed to draw.

Megumi and Maki are both victims of abuse but Megumi's allowed to be a lot more unlikable, he's allowed to stumble, to do things the audience wouldn't approve of. He's not shown to be more virtuous than his abusers, to rise up and get revenge against his abusers, he doesn't immediately free himself through the power of his hard work and determination alone.

In fact compared to Maki Megumi's kind of just a loser.

Yet, sometimes the road less traveled is the better one. Megumi doesn't follow the paint by numbers abused child overcomes their abuser and finds their own strength / freedom / agency arc and because of that he doesn't come off as a character with a character arc, but rather a child struggling to grow up properly in a world where he has no positive adult figures to help grow and nurture him. Just like a child Megumi has no idea how to be an adult, and unlike Maki there's no path to adulthood clearly laid out for him.

In fact when he does try to take steps or reclaim his agency for himself, someone usually appears either Gojo or Sukuna to rob him away of his agency and further sabotage him. Megumi's arc has a pretty clear pattern of one step forward, two steps back. Megumi bonds with Yuji, Yuji dies. Megumi promises to get stronger for Yuji after his death, Yujhi turns out to be alive and also he finds out that his decision to save Yuji after Yuji ate the finger led to fingers all around the world awakening more people dying. Megumi decides to keep this fact from Yuji to spare his feelings creating a wall between him and Yuji.

Megumi creates his domain for the first time, but then in Shibuya he's put into a corner by his father stabbing him and takes two steps back using Mahoraga as a suicide move again another curse user. When he does that too, he thinks about how he'll never be as strong as Gojo wants to be five seconds before calling Mahoraga.

Megumi comes out of the culling games with a plan to save Tsumiki, manages to defeat one sorcerer using his domain expansion and pushing his limits again like he did in the death painting arc, only for Tsumiki to turn out to be possessed and Sukuna to take his body.

One step forward, two steps back.

However, the complexity from Megumi's character comes from this fact, the fact he doesn't just walk down the path the audience wants him to, he doesn't simply do what Gojo laid out for him to make him the next Satoru Gojo. He doesn't find meaning or reason in being a sorcerer, he doesn't get stronger as a sorcerer because he doesn't want to be there.

There's no convenience there, no one pops up with an inspirational speech the moment that Megumi needs it to keep going instead it's the opposite the narrative keeps robbing Megumi of his agency agian and again, pulling the rug out from under him when it looks like he's gotten the strength to stand out on his own two feet and Megumi has to keep going. The narrative rewards Maki and gives her what she wants her arc is basically over, whereas it punishes and denies Megumi at every turn. Maki's arc isn't bad but it is basically already over and it's a lot simpler and more straightforward than Megumi's.

Megumi is also called on to do a lot more than Maki is, because Megumi's issues can't really be solved with a power-up. This quote "let fate toy with you before you die like a fool" is probably one of the most important quotes when speaking about Megumi, because Megumi really is the fool in the fool's journey.

The Fool's Journey is a metaphor for the journey through life. Each major arcana card stands for a stage on that journey - an experience that a person must incorporate to realize his wholeness. These 22 descriptions are based on the keywords for each major arcana card. The keywords are highlighted in the text. A card's number is in parentheses.

The Fool's Journey is different from the Hero's Journey, because the Hero's Journey is the standard narrative for how a character rises up to become a hero, whereas the fool's journey is how a person goes from being an innocent but empty child a fool, a zero, into being a whole, and well rounded person. In Tarot the Fool (0) is basically a newborn, with no identity, no opinions, an empty vessel.

We begin with the Fool (0), a card of beginnings. The Fool stands for each of us as we begin our journey of life. He is a fool because only a simple soul has the innocent faith to undertake such a journey with all its hazards and pain. At the start of his trip, the Fool is a newborn - fresh, open and spontaneous. The figure on Card 0 has his arms flung wide, and his head held high. He is ready to embrace whatever comes his way, but he is also oblivious to the cliff edge he is about to cross. The Fool is unaware of the hardships he will face as he ventures out to learn the lessons of the world. The Fool stands somewhat outside the rest of the major arcana. Zero is an unusual number. It rests in the exact middle of the number system - poised between the positive and negative. At birth, the Fool is set in the middle of his own individual universe. He is strangely empty (as is zero), but imbued with a desire to go forth and learn. This undertaking would seem to be folly, but is it?

Megumi is the most underdeveloped and childish character in the series. He is as people have constantly referred to him, immature and selfish. He doesn't see things for the greater good, because he's ego-centric like a child and can only see what's around him.

What Megumi needs to do is to become a whole person, to develop an entire identity on his own, that's not dependent on Yuji or Tsumiki. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.

Now, how does Megumi go about doing that while he's also asked to be a sorcerer, people who aren't allowed to be selfish, who are asked to be identity-less cogs who exorcise curses for the greater good.

Megumi's arc is a lot harder, and a lot more difficult because it's not resolved by him getting a power up. That wouldn't fix his central issue because the problem isn't that Megumi's weak, it's that he's weak willed and doesn't think for himself.

Megumi can't become the next Gojo or the next Toji, he has to become himself.

Yet, Megumi and the audience at large don't know exactly what that means yet. That ambiguity, will Megumi be able to save himself, how exactly will Megumi save himself if he's not taking the hands that Yuji offers him. How exactly will he find the will to live with Tsumiki gone, and with no reason besides himself to keep on moving? It's that ambiguity that makes his arc more compelling.

Also, if Megumi were to resolve his arc by just getting a power up that kind of just means that Gojo was right all along. Like I hate to borrow from Homestuck of all things but this quote heavily applies to megumi and the way he was raised by Gojo.

So in the context the character Dave was raised from childhood by his brother to go through some super ultra ninja training, where he was basically forced to spare with his brother with swords every single day and put through the ringer with training, and that training didn't make him stronger it just made him afraid to fight. Dave can't see himself as strong or as a hero, because he's number one constantly feeling inferior to his brother who has like destroyed his entire childhood and number two because he didn't have a childhood he has no solid basis to build his sense fo self around. There's no strong foundation for Dave because he was robbed of the childhood years that help us form our identity. He never formed an identity, the only thing he could do was try to passively resist what his brother wanted him to be. That's not really forming an identity though, that's saying "I don't want to be that." Dave in his arc is continually reluctant to be a hero, and to go through the steps of a straightforward hbero's journey, because he doesn't want to be like a hero, because his brother was a cool brave heroic hero and his brother abused him.

Dave's character shines in his reluctancy to be a hero, because if he just sucked up all of that abuse and then decided to be a hero anyway then wouldn't that just prove that his brother was right? That his brother was right to put him through all that abuse because look it made him stronger in the end.

Gojo took Megumi's childhood away from him with the intention of turning him into a stronger sorcerer, but it had the opposite effect. It didn't make him stronger or into another Gojo Satoru, it made him not want to become a sorcerer, it made him weak willed and made him cowardly and made him want to run away from danger and made him unable to believe himself to be strong enough to win.

Even Maki's arc doesn't ever suggest her abusers were right. If anything it's the opposite, Maki wanted to be a sorcerer, she would have willingly become one but her family sabotaged her at every chance and denied her the opportunity to become one - only to show that Maki was right all along that she had more potential than anyone else in the family and her family should have given her that chance. That if from the beginning the Zen'in accepted and raised Maki then the tragedy at the end of her arc could have been averted. The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth... etc, etc.

So Maki's arc may be way more straightforward than Megumi's, but her arc doesn't suggest that her abusers were right to put her through what they did. However, Megumi just being told to suck up all his abuse and get stronger would be doing just that, because it would mean Gojo was right all along to do what he did, Gojo stealing Megumi's childhood would be right because look how much stronger it makes him.

However, Gojo's actions didn't make Megumi stronger, it made him the opposite, it made him never want to fight, or see blood, or be near danger. It made him passive and cowardly and selfish rather than active and brave and selfless.

Sometimes a writer may have a character make an unpopular choice in service of the story and themes.

You're not wrong friend for pointing out that Megumi comes off like a hypocrite for giving up, when he called Yuji selfish for giving up on his own before the beginning of the culling games. If anything it's worse, because Megumi has chosen to give up at the moment when everyone is basically making a group effort and risking their lives to help him instead of going for the more tactically solid strategy of killing Megumi alongsde Sukuna. Megumi is not respecting the feelings of those who wish to save him, nor is he thinking about how much the others are risking their lives just for the chance to save him.

However, this intentional parallel of Megumi being able to reach Yuji at his lowest point when he wants to give up, and Yuji not being able to reach Megumi illustrates the difference between their characters.

Yuji became a sorcerer by choice. His ideal of wanting to help people is something he chose for himself, and apparently according to Sukuna he believes down to his very bones which is why it's something he'll never waver from. Yuji is the outsider who became a sorcerer by choice, he wants to be in this world - even if it wasn't a total choice like he chose to eat the finger but he didn't think of the ramifications and afterwards his choice was like "die now, or die after eating 21 more fingers." Yuji still views it as his choice though.

Megumi on the other hand never had a choice. All of his justifications and reasons and "I selfishly choose who to save" those are all lipservice, ex posto factor justifications, lies Megumi tells himself to cope with the fact that this life as a sorcerer was forced upon him.

That's why Megumi doesn't have the unshakable determination to get back up at his lowest point that Yuji had, because Yuji at the end of the day is kind of like the embodiment of the ideal sorcerer the way Nanami is, he's decided to give his life to be a sorcerer and live up to what sorcerers should be so he can make the world a slightly better place and then pass the torch to the next sorcerer.

Yuji chose that for himself, and for better or worse he keeps making that choice over and over again. He's resolved to live and die as an ideal sorcerer, and carry on the burden that Nanami left for him.

If Yuji's arc is to figure out what kind of sorcerer he wants to be and then be that person to the very end, then Megumi's arc is the opposite. It's to find out who he is outside of being a sorcerer, because being a sorcerer wasn't his choice it was something that was imposed upon him. That's what Killua's arc is too, Killua's arc is not him learning to live up to his full potential as an assassin because that would once again validate his family's abuse of him. No Killua can't grow up into what his family wants him to be, he has to figure out for himself what he wants, and try to grow into that person.

However, Megumi has that added layer of difficulty in that Megumi doesn't get to use "I want to grow strong enough to protect my sister" as an answer the way Killua did. Megumi unlike Killua gets the crutch ripped out from underneath him. He's not allowed to live for Tsumiki anymore, because Tsumiki is gone.

Now Megumi has to find a way to keep living for himself without Tsumiki, and show that life is worth living even if you lose your loved ones or he sinks. Which as I said again is harder and more complex o Megumi because he doesn't get the simple answer "I want to grow strong to protect my sister" he's called to do more than that and stand entirely on his own.

Finally, Megumi not immediately taking Yuji's hand when it's offered to him adds complexity to the story in another way.

Again we are asking the question, is it possible to save someone who does not want to be saved? It's repeating the same conflict in the past between Gojo and Geto now with Yuji and Megumi. Can Yuji really do anything to save Megumi if Megumi himself has decided to give up and that he's beyond salvation. If Megumi does not want to be saved then what does Yuji's attemps to reach out his hand amount to?

One last thing is I think Yuji's attempts to save Megumi were always going to fail, because as it's already been stated above by Gojo you can't save those who aren't willing to be saved.

In broader story terms though, if Megumi's arc is about reclaiming his own agency then how is getting saved by Yuji a proper end to this arc? Megumi being rescued like a passive damsel is not giving his character any agency, if anything it's robbing him of agency because it's reducing him to a victim to be saved by Yuji.

This is why I bring up delayed gratification, because if Megumi was saved here then his arc would be over and it would also be brought to a pretty unsatisfying conclusion. There would be no real moment where he learned to stand up for himself, he didn't find the meaning in living past the death of his loved ones for himself someone.

Not only is Megumi not letting Yuji save him, but story-wise it's kind of impossible for Yuji to save him because what Megumi needs narratively to complete his arc isn't to be saved.

What Megumi needs is to save himself. So no matter what Yuji did, no matter what heroic speech he gave, no matter what lengtsh Yuji went to to free Megumi's soul for Sukuna it would not have worked anyway, because that's not what Megumi needs.

Megumi needs to become himself. Megumi needs to save himself.

The fact that Megumi doesn't want to be saved, that he doesn't want to keep living, is the struggle he's going to have to overcome in order to achieve these things in the end.

And it will be much more gratifying when he does save himself, because the manga didn't go the easy route and just have Yuji save Megumi.

[serpentface]

Faiza: how did you come to believe your philosophy on your religion?

"I was introduced to the concept by my tutor. Shiyabi Erunara? You may have heard of him? He was one of the founders of the royal Couyinnacame* in Godsmouth. Disgraced himself in a scandal with one of his co-founders' wives, haha, sooo... Wound up on the opposite side of the empire, tutoring us little Haidamane brats and being exceptionally overqualified for it. And he absolutely knew it.

So he would expect a lot from us, you know? When he tested you, you wouldn't just let you give answers by rote, you had to explain in detail how you got to your answer. You can't just say 'because I know', he wanted to know exactly how you knew. He wanted you to justify it. Even if you had the right answer- any flaws in your reasoning? Nope. Mister Erunara wouldn't have it. You had to go over it again and again until you could explain it inside and out. It made lessons very, very long. I always thought he was just milking the hours for pay, haha. Probably was, but-. His convictions were sincere enough. I think.

So of course, when he'd teach religious studies, he'd make you work through that too. You couldn't just explain a rite to him, you'd have to explain the theory of the rite, the underlying logic of what makes every little minuscule step work. I mean, from personal experience, the average PRIEST doesn't even really think about that- like, we know, but we don't really have to know. We just do.

And there was this one time he was working through a lesson with me. We were discussing the rites of expelling dagi from the body of a child with the red fever. And I had it all down, I could explain every little detail, all the theoretical angles, everything. And I finish and he says, "Correct. And then it doesn't work. The child dies. Why?"

And I was at a loss. Because that happens of course, yeah? Sometimes you do everything PERFECTLY, immaculate, and it just- doesn't work. So I work through every step again in my head, and I'm drawing a blank. I don't have an answer besides, 'well, sometimes people just die'? And he's not going to take that. And I'm frustrated, and just want to get this over with so I can go play with the dogs, so I finally just throw my hands up and say "I don't know!". And he just- just kind of laughs and pats me on the shoulder. And then moves right on to the home economics lesson.

So, you know. I was a kid, I just thought this guy was an annoying, pedantic hardass, and that was about it. I was inducted not long after that, so the rest of my schooling was at the temple. I didn't see him again for a long time. But that stuck with me, you know? Why DOES it go wrong when you do every single thing right? And you can just say, "hey, this discussion is in a theoretical space, in real life conditions are imperfect. Your actions were right, but something was just a little off, and so the child dies". But it just nagged at me, it felt deeper than that. It was more like something was missing. Something about the theory itself was wrong.

I got in contact with him again after I was fully initiated. I wanted to keep pursuing my studies, get a little fresh air from the temple atmosphere, he seemed like a good option. So we started writing letters back and forth, just here and there. He'd send me old books now and then. Trade me for stuff I stole out of the temple library- Uh. Don't tell anyone. It'll be bad for you. Haha. And one year, he came back into town for the dry season festival, so. We met up.

And we were just chatting, you know? Nothing serious, just what our lives are like now, what we've been up to since he was my tutor. And I offhandedly mention the red fever lesson to him, how much it stuck with me. And I had always assumed he'd been messing with me back then, you know? I was champing at the bit to be done, so he made his lesson as meandering and frustrating as he possibly could. So I'm trying to laugh with him about it, how he was so successful at tormenting girlchild me that I still think about it- what IS missing? Haha. But he just looks me in the eye and says "You're trying to treat body with spirit. Body can only interact with body."

So we started talking about it very seriously. That's where I was introduced to the concept. And I mean, it's not that I'd never heard of the idea. I was mostly interested in political philosophy, but I'd heard of it in the abstract. Arguments that the cycling of God's spirit is false, coming from pseudo intellectuals with their heads so far up their own asses that they can't recognize the sun. But when we talked about it, it was just like, Oh. This isn't just - edgy philosophical masturbation, this is a theory. This could be what's missing.

I didn't come around to the notion immediately, of course. We said our goodbyes and I went right back to being a priestess. But that kind of only made me more convinced, you know? Doing the same sets of rites, over and over and over again. Sometimes they seem to work, yeah, and most of the time I have no way of knowing. But then sometimes-. I give Odomache's blessing to a pregnant woman, yeah, the strength to fight through her woman's war, and I do so impeccably. The sacrifice takes, the signs are good. Every little detail is right. My actions are unimpeachable. And then a month later I find out she and her child both died in labor. I bless a man and his sword, and that very night a robber takes it off him and sticks it in his gut. He drags half of his innards out before he manages to die. And I could just say, "Well, that's not really supposed to happen when you bless someone. Something must have gone wrong. I don't know!" and move on. But it kept nagging at me. It wasn't that something went wrong, it was more like the rites themselves were wrong, they were incapable of the material effect they intend.

So I thought about it a lot over the years. Did a lot of reading. Wrote to Erunara now and then, until he died. And it's just- with everything I've seen, everything I know, this is the only model that makes sense. Only body can interact with body. The nature of cause and effect is physical. Dagi must enter the body for disease to take hold. Rain must soak the ground for plants to grow. The realm of spirit- thought, willpower, belief- it has nothing to do with it. I can't make a barren field sprout by pretending to be the rain. And isn't that all that most rites are, when it comes down to it? Demanding for spirit to interact with body, and then throwing our hands up and saying "I don't know!" when it doesn't work?"

---

*Couyinnacame is the word for Wardi institutions of philosophy and academia, existing as physical meeting places. The Couy- root is the same as the name Couya and comes from an antiquated word for mind/spirit. -Yinnacame is an adoption of the Burri word for schools (Yiñacami), carried by a lot of Imperial Bur era institutions and their descendants

---

A little more elaboration- Burri-Wardi (proto)materialism generally acknowledges that both Body (matter) and Spirit (the soul, thought, willpower) Exist, but denies the notion that Spirit has any capacity to influence Body. This extends to God- God's physical corpse exists and can be interacted with in the form of the world, but Its spirit (the aspect that the Wardi Faith is BASED upon interacting with) is severed from the body in death and is thus noninteractive. (Some schools closer to actual materialism deny the existence of the soul/spirit itself, but these are Very niche (like on the level of a few singular philosophers on the very peripheries of the scene)).

This school includes like a proto-proto theory of the atom, positing that there is are fundamental, invisible states of Body that give different types of matter their properties- this is explanatory for plainly material effects that have no obvious material source (wind is an example), or questions as to how, if the Spirit is noninteractive, the Body of a living being is animated.

Common Wardi belief includes evil spirits called dagi that are the cause of disease, which are tiny and both spiritually and physically enter the body. This meshes very well with the materialist outlook, which would describe dagi as the Body of disease. Some variants posit that the fundamental Body that animates living beings can exist and act on other matter aside from living beings. This is also what allows for someone fully following this philosophy to believe in interactive evil spirits and even ghosts- just that these are ultimately composed of material Body rather than immaterial Spirit.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 12

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Word : 6k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Tuesday, November 3; 6:15 AM - Ona and Alexia's room.

I stand straight as a rod beside my bed. Bronze has just entered. I���m glad I haven’t lost my morning routine. I didn’t face any difficulty except that waking up was hard and abrupt due to the alarm. Luckily, my day of rest yesterday helped me recover and find motivation again. The disagreement with Bronze was quickly forgotten. I woke up alone. She had let me sleep while she went back to work. I found out when she returned just before noon to have lunch with Engen and me. She wanted us to eat before the midday bell. At least she spared me the rush hour. After that, she allowed me to stay in her room for the rest of the day as long as I didn't venture out. I promised it wasn’t my intention. I once risked it, and it didn’t end well for me. I just wanted to keep busy with movies, which I did until dinner time. I had to stop to eat with the two instructors, as agreed with Bronze. It was hard to change her mind. I was disappointed to end the day by returning to my room. I enjoyed hiding in her room. It had become my den, isolating me from the world. Needless to say, I was worried about reintegrating with the students. Bronze accompanied me to discreetly help me bring back my things. All it took was stepping into my room for any unease to vanish, thanks to Alexia. She welcomed me like a little whirlwind, not wanting to let go. It seems she eagerly awaited my return. Bronze had kept her updated regularly, but it didn’t stop her from worrying and missing me. Today, I return to the real world. Classes resume at eight. I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I still don’t feel ready to return, but I have no choice. I show no signs of distress and patiently wait for Bronze to finish her inspection. It’s almost strange seeing her so impassive and expressionless again. It wasn’t like that in her room.

You can go.

Alexia doesn’t hesitate to head to the exit. I follow, but Bronze stops me by holding my arm. I turn to face her.

How are you feeling?

Better... No more fever, no nausea. I don't have much muscle pain either... I replied.

So, are you ready?

Uh-huh. I don't have a choice anyway.

Good.

I look at her attentively, squinting slightly. She’s not like usual. I don’t know what’s different, but something seems off. There’s only one way to find out...

So, how’s my work after a week? Is it done properly, Commander? I teased.

The princess finally follows the rules; that’s good, she retorts without a hint of humor.

I frown. That’s not the response I expected. I thought she’d play along. I examine her more closely. Now that I pay attention, her eyes seem swollen. And she has visible dark circles.

Are you okay?

We recently had a discussion about friendship, Batlle. It didn’t end well, so stop trying to be friendly and go eat, she orders.

She’s clearly not herself. It’s been a long time since she called me by my last name. And for such a small matter. It’s not like I asked a personal question. She’s not well, and I can’t do anything about it. I let her go, feeling powerless. I stare at the door for a moment, completely frustrated. She just brushed me off.

Ona, you coming?

I pull myself together at my roommate's call. I expected her to be gone already. Well, whatever. Bronze is right after all. She’s not my friend. It’s not my place to worry about her, even though I do and would have liked to be there for her.

Yeah, sorry. I'm coming, I say, returning her smile.

Our relationship has evolved since she learned I’m a former junkie. I feel I can trust her. I’ve grown attached to her. She seems to feel the same. She keeps saying we need to make up for the lost time of this past week.

What did Bronze want? she asks.

Just checking if everything’s okay, I shrug. She’s just doing her job.

I see.

She smiles at me in a way I can’t quite describe. I don’t dwell on it. I’m eager to get to the cafeteria. I’ll see the others, and my appetite is back. This will be my first breakfast after a long week of abstaining. I intend to savor it. When we reach the table, everyone is happy to see me. They ask if I’m feeling better. It seems no one knows about my withdrawal except Alexia and Leah. Wiegman and the four educators in charge must have covered it up as a flu absence. At least I’m spared the cliché stories about my past and pitying looks. Everything goes well this new morning. I just have a lot of questions about Bronze, who completely ignored me when she passed our table. I hope it’s not my fault. I don’t see what I did wrong, except for that conversation the other night. She didn’t seem resentful yesterday. Amidst all this, time flies. It’s almost time to return to class. We walk through the hallways to our first lesson.

I’ll join you, I tell Alexia. I need to use the restroom.

As you wish, but hurry up. It’s almost time.

Yeah, I’ll be quick.

I leave her to enter the nearest restroom. I need to gather my thoughts for the start of this morning. I first use a stall, then wash my hands. I take the opportunity to splash water on my face. Why am I in such a state over something so minor? I feel weird, like I have a bad premonition. Damn responsible person. She annoys me by making me question so much. I hit the counter in frustration. I wipe my face and leave the restroom. I sigh, seeing the empty hallways. Great, now I’m late. Perfect for a return. I walk slowly and heavily toward my classroom. A few minutes won’t make a difference since I know I won’t be allowed in anyway. When I reach the door, I knock. It opens shortly after.

Miss Batlle makes her grand return and in style, the teacher remarks right away. You start well after more than a week of absence.

Sorry for being late.

Save your pretty words and go to the instructors’ office, will you?

Of course. I know the way! I retorted sarcastically.

What did I say? I wouldn’t be accepted. I reverse course to the office of Bronze and Engen, which I know very well. I had to do archiving with Bronze there on my first day before moving boxes upstairs. I knock on the already open door to announce my presence. It’s a large space where two desks face each other. There are several filing cabinets. Nothing exceptional. There are more than one such room on the first floor. Six to be exact. One for each instructor pair. Naturally, I’m assigned to my responsible person’s. I enter the room, and Engen looks up to greet me. She’s alone, which is strange. Bronze should be here.

Batlle, she calls, surprised. Already on the first day? What brings you here this time?

Late, I grumble, sitting on the chair in front of her desk.

Late? I saw you in the halls earlier. Did I allow you to sit?

Urgent need, I half-lied. I’m not standing until Bronze arrives. Especially since I just got back.

Bronze won’t be here today. I’ll handle you for the day.

What? I blurted out in surprise.

Is that a problem?

Now this is the last straw! She raises her head from her paper, arching an eyebrow. She’s not the problem. It’s Bronze’s absence. It’s a first! She’s never missed a day since I arrived.

Okay, what’s wrong with her? Is it me?

Excuse me? she frowns. What are you talking about?

Why is she absent?

She’s entitled to a day off, isn’t she? Especially after the week she had because of you. And why am I even telling you this? It’s none of your business.

I noticed she wasn’t well this morning...

I lower my head, feeling uneasy under Engen’s scrutiny. I have regrets and don’t even know why. Maybe I spoke too much when I hear her chuckle. I must look ridiculous. I bury my head in my collar, not daring to look at her.

I don’t know which of you two worries more about the other, she murmurs.

What?

Did I hear right? Bronze worries about me? Why would she? She was asking me to keep my distance this morning... So, she talks about me to Engen. This thought warms my heart.

It has nothing to do with you, Batlle. She just has a day off to rest from her week, she explains. Anyway, that’s the end of it. How many hours are you missing due to your refusal?

Two.

Well... she murmurs, thinking. Since she’s absent and she fell behind because of you... You have two hours to sort and alphabetize Bronze’s files, she says, pointing to my responsible person’s desk.

Bronze is more original with punishments.

Stop arguing, Batlle, and get to work.

Just as friendly as Bronze... I sigh and change places, settling into my manager's office chair. Engen looks at me strangely before a sly smile stretches across her lips. She doesn't ask me to move, surprisingly. She continues her work while I focus on the task she assigned me. I don't even know where to start given the number of files scattered on the desk. I don't ask for help and try to do my work without flinching. This place is literally changing me. Just a few days ago, I would never have accepted a punishment without complaining.

Tuesday, November 3; 6:45 PM - Cafeteria

I sit down at my seat, placing my tray on the table. My first instinct is to look at Bronze's table on the educators' side. She wasn't there all day. I know because I was late again this afternoon. Engen had to take care of me. I like her a lot, but Bronze is irreplaceable when it comes to creative punishments. I straighten up in my chair when I finally see her. She's there, at her table, with Engen! We are directly across from each other. It feels like our spots were meant to be. She talks to her colleague without acknowledging me. I hope Engen doesn't say anything. She noticed my remorse because she assured me all day that I had nothing to worry about. I let go, realizing I won't get any sign from her, and try to follow the conversation happening around the table.

"Seriously, it's you?" says Alba.

"You're really in trouble, girl ! They're looking for the culprit, and it looks bad according to the rumors!" adds Lotte.

"I don't care at all," says the one in question, who is none other than Leah.

"What did you do this time?" I ask, getting to the point.

"Oh, nothing very interesting. I just tagged the sign and the walls of the establishment."

"What!?"

"It's not just laps around the field you'll get this time," laughs Alexia. "What are you playing at, seriously? Are you trying to compete with Ona for the number of punishments or what?"

Without thinking, I stand up from my chair under the incomprehensible eyes of my friends. It's my only chance. Too bad if I regret it later. Hopefully, I won't feel bad in the meantime. I walk to the educators' area. I find myself between the two instructors and stare directly into Bronze's eyes. I know Engen is also looking at me, but she's not the one I'm interested in.

"It was me," I blurt out into the void.

"It was you what, Batlle?" Engen intervenes.

"The tags. I did them."

"What the—"

Bronze raised her hand to signal her colleague to be quiet. For the first time since this morning, her eyes land on me. Her green irises pierce through me, giving me goosebumps.

"Really?" she finally asks. "I leave you alone for one day, and you manage to do something like this? Why come forward only now?"

"To take responsibility for my actions. It would be stupid for someone else to face the consequences in my place," I respond confidently.

She looks me up and down. I really don't know if I made the right choice by accusing myself without reason. One thing is certain: it was the only way to get her attention.

"Very well. Go clear your tray," she orders. "I'll deal with you tonight, no matter what state you're in. And you won't even be able to complain tomorrow morning when you wake up."

I manage a smile. My plan worked! My God, it worked! I nod and backtrack to my table. I almost trot with impatience. I'm met with confused looks from everyone at the table.

"What just happened?" asks Alba.

"I pleaded Leah's case by accusing myself."

"What?!" Leah reacts. "But why did you do that? Besides, you're not even really in a state to—"

"Don't worry about it," I cut her off. "Be glad you won't get punished!"

I reassure her ass he knows about my situation regarding the withdrawal. I feel good for a first day, so it should be fine. I think I'm the only person who is eager to get a punishment from Commander Bronze.

"Later, guys."

I go to clear my tray where Bronze is already waiting at the end of the line. I feel her eyes on me the whole time; it's unsettling. Once I'm done, she turns her back to head towards the exit. I follow her without thinking. I take advantage of the silence to observe her. I'm glad to see she has regained her color since this morning. We pass by my room where she orders me to put on sportswear. The commander is back, and I'm almost happy about it. I hurry to change, and we head to the gym. I bite my lip to avoid complaining. I asked for this. It will help me get my muscles working again after lying in bed for a week. Leah will really owe me one for taking the blame for her! We wander through the corridors of the establishment, which are almost unfamiliar to me. I haven't had many sports classes as Bronze often punished me at the same time. We stop in front of a large door that she opens. She pushes me to discover the room. I take a step back, not seeing anything in the darkness. She prevents me from fleeing with an arm around my back and pushes me inside. I'm quickly trapped with her in the room. She turns on the lights to reveal the setting, leaving me speechless. My God, tell me I'm dreaming. We are in the climbing room. What is her goal? I turn to gauge my instructor. She smiles with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. We're starting with this, and then we'll see."

Oh my God... I feel dizzy. I hate climbing. I look at the top. It's really high. There must be at least ten meters of height there!

"What do I have to do?" I ask to be sure.

"It's obvious, Ona. You're going to climb up there," she says, pointing to the top of the wall.

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" she retorts. "Stop talking to complain, or I'll have worse in store for you later! You'll do the one at the back. I'll belay you."

"Belay me?"

"Yes, I'll hold you with a rope. I could very well let you climb alone, so be glad."

"Bronze... I can't... I'm afraid of heights," I admit.

"Not my problem," she says indifferently. "You should have thought about that before. Here, take this."

My throat tightens when she hands me a harness. She really has no pity. I imitate her and reluctantly put on the harness. We move to the back of the room to reach the last route. Damn... What mess have I gotten myself into this time? I'll never make it. I'm really afraid of heights and not just a little! Just being on a chair already scares me. I inspect the wall in front of me, covered in numerous holds. Just imagining myself up there makes me dizzy. I look to my left to see an insurmountable wall named Bronze.

"Sorry, but I really can't..."

"It's not negotiable, you should know that. Just don't look down and trust me. Come here."

She ties the loop of my harness with the route's rope. She does it with such ease. I can no longer escape. She gives it a sharp tug to check the knot's solidity. I'm starting to panic. Bronze seems so comfortable with any sport, but that's not my case. She finally takes the other end of the rope to attach it to a metal loop she ties to her harness.

"There, we're ready. You can start. I gave you the easiest route. The holds are big and easy to reach. »

I sigh as I face the climbing wall. The last time I climbed was back in high school, and I was far from being any good. I start to climb, using one handhold, then two, then three... and I'm already stuck. I'm less than a meter off the ground, and I don’t know where to put my foot next.

"To the right, Batlle," she directs me.

"That's way too far!"

"Of course not. Use your legs to climb, not just your hands. You’ll never make it otherwise."

"What kind of punishment is this, seriously?" I snap.

"Alright, enough complaining. Climb that damn wall now. We’re not leaving until you reach the top."

And I know she's serious. Bronze likes things to be finished. Especially punishments. There’s never been one that I’ve abandoned halfway. I place my foot on the hold she indicated and muster all my remaining strength.

"See, you can do it when you try."

I continue climbing higher and higher. I had to stop several times after making the mistake of looking down. Bronze had to reassure me and encourage me to keep going. I have no idea what time it is, but it’s definitely late. I struggle to grasp another hold, and finally, I reach the top! I let out a proud yell, which makes Bronze laugh. It’s the first time I’ve succeeded, and it’s all thanks to her. She made sure I didn’t give up. I sigh in relief.

"Can you lower me down now?"

"No."

"What do you mean, 'no'!?"

I wish I could see her face, just to know if she’s joking. Her voice doesn’t sound like she’s joking. Unfortunately, I can't verify it. I cling to the wall, trying not to let go.

"No. I’m not letting you down. Not yet."

"This isn’t funny! I’m really scared and can hardly hold on. Everything hurts!"

"I’ve got you. You’ll stay up there until you explain why you took the blame for something you didn’t do."

"Excuse me!? What makes you think that? I did it!"

"Those tags were done Sunday night, Ona. Last I checked, we spent the evening together. Besides, the drawings look like they were done by a kindergartener. It would be a disgrace for someone who practices art as a hobby. To top it off, we already found out who the culprit was just before dinner."

Damn it! She got me like a rookie. Here I am, stuck against this wall like an idiot. She brings me back to reality.

"So, Ona. Don’t mess with me and tell me the truth!"

I’m literally backed into a corner. I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. I have no choice, I have to talk. My limbs are giving out, and my head is spinning. I’m trembling all over. I’ll lose my grip soon.

"I wanted to get your attention..."

"Get my attention?" she repeats, surprised. "Why?"

"You ignored me all day, and I noticed you weren’t doing well this morning... I was afraid it was because of me, even though Engen assured me otherwise."

"You can’t be serious, Ona? You got yourself accused of something so serious just to get to me!?"

"It seemed to be working until now..."

"You’re such an idiot!" she says bitterly. "But you’re brave, I’ll give you that. Alright, let go of the holds. I’ll lower you down."

"I can’t."

"Don’t be ridiculous. Let go!"

"I’m scared!"

She sighs as I cling tighter to the wall. I can’t help it; it’s stronger than me.

"Ona, there’s a reason I made you climb up there."

"Oh really?" I sneer bitterly.

"It’s a trust exercise. I need you to trust me, not just in climbing."

"Stupid exercise!"

I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I’m holding back tears that are welling up in my eyes.

"Ona, please, I won’t let you fall, I promise."

My trembling won’t stop. It’s an awful feeling. I close my eyes to fight against myself. I know I can trust her. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I take a deep breath before letting go without thinking. I squeak as I swing back and forth, hitting the wall. She stabilizes me before slowly lowering me down. I force myself to open my eyes to see myself floating in the air. My heart is pounding with fear, but it’s not so bad after all. I’m relieved once my feet touch the ground. I collapse against the wall, trying to regain my composure. Bronze smiles at me and crouches down to untie my knot. She really got me this time. She knew it wasn’t me. She just wanted to corner me to make me talk. She surprises me by placing her hand on my forehead to check my temperature.

"You haven’t had any more episodes?"

"No, it was fine today..." I murmur.

"Hmm. Engen told me that you were late. Was that also to get my attention?" she teases.

"The first one wasn’t. Well... not intentionally. The second was to check if you were absent for the day."

She raises an eyebrow before bursting into laughter. It’s a genuine, pleasant laugh. She shakes her head before leaning against the other wall. It’s true it would’ve been smarter to choose the other wall. The climbing wall’s features hurt my back, but I’m too exhausted to move now. I watch her pull her legs up and wrap her arms around them. It’s a very childlike position for her. I savor the silence that follows. I realize I missed her presence today. It doesn’t stop me from feeling stupid for confessing my obsession with her. I watch her stare at an invisible point in front of her, looking completely absent. Several minutes pass before she speaks again.

« Why?"

« What do you mean, « why »? »

« Why did you want to get my attention? » she repeats, finally looking at me intently. « It’s really confusing. Just a week ago, you hated me. »

I lower my head, thinking. She's right. It is confusing given everything I’ve said to her. I don’t even know when my feelings changed. I nervously play with my fingers. Admitting my true feelings would reveal too much. I sigh as I look at the ceiling.

« You’re the only one who cares about me here. Well, no. You’re actually the only one who’s cared about me for years, I correct myself. I appreciate the attention you give me, even if it’s sometimes annoying to have you on my back. I’m sorry for getting so worked up the other night. I felt like everything I thought was wrong and was afraid you’d become cold again like in the beginning . »

« What exactly were you thinking? »

"Well... I thought you were only helping me because you were ordered to. That you were doing it professionally and not because you liked me. »

« Of course, I’m doing it professionally, but not just that, Ona. By accepting Wiegman’s offer, I volunteered to supervise you and enforce the rules. That’s all. The rest is from me. »

I feel remorse now. I lower my head to hide my embarrassment. I’ve been making a fuss over something that doesn’t exist. I suddenly feel really foolish.

« If I really didn’t care about you, I would have let them send you to a rehab center like Wiegman and your mother planned, she adds. I dissuaded them because I trusted you, and I was right to. »

« Thank you…"

« I’m not doing much. »

« Yes, more than you think. »

« Like what, for example? »

« You’re the only one who can stand up to me. You punish me without mercy and manage to make me comply with orders I would never have followed before... You’re also the only one who pushes me to succeed in what I undertake. You show that you trust me, and that reassures me », I conclude.

I’m a real idiot. She wants the best for me, and I keep digging myself deeper. I watch her as she remains silent. She seems lost in thought.

« You have a very contradictory personality, you know? »

« What do you mean? »

« You act like a tough girl who doesn’t care about anything and is afraid of nothing, but after spending time with you... I’ve discovered that you have a serious lack of self-confidence. My punishments have chipped away at your armor. »

I don’t respond. There’s nothing to say since she hit the nail on the head. Bronze is very observant. She just figured out that side of me without me wanting her to. I bite my lip.

« I wanted to thank you for what you did for me this week. »

« It’s normal. »

« I must admit it really pissed me off to see you so down this morning. You don’t hesitate to help me when I have issues, and I can’t even do anything for you. I thought about it so much that I went over every situation from last week, fearing I had done something wrong. »

I need to get this off my chest so she knows how I feel. I felt bad for her. I’m aware that our relationship is evolving, but I hope our attitudes won’t change. I really enjoy annoying her. It’s become my favorite pastime here. It’s fun, and I love that she takes care of me... Even if the punishments aren’t always great.

« I got dumped last night. »

I look at her in disbelief. I don’t know what surprises me more: the fact that she’s confiding something very personal or that she broke the rules. I had already asked her questions about herself, and she had kindly brushed me off.

« The commander dares to break rules? » I reply with humor. « And seriously, did someone actually want you?! »

« Of course they did! » she huffs, hitting me on the shoulder.

« Sorry, »I chuckled. « It was too tempting! »

I managed to get a small laugh out of her. She rests her head against the wall and closes her eyes. She really seems affected. I should have noticed this morning.

« He’s just an idiot. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. »

« Oh really?" she chuckles, looking at me.

« Absolutely. Even though you’re a super annoying commander... I imagine that outside these walls, you must be a nice person. I got a little glimpse of that this week. »

« I’ll remember those words. »

« Hey! That’s out of the question! I’m trying to cheer you up here! »

I managed to get her to laugh a little more. It’s nice to hear, and it reassures me at the same time.

« You say that, but you don’t even know what happened. For all you know, I could be the worst bitch. »

« Is that so?"

« I don’t think so. Only with you when you annoy me. »

« That’s mean. »

« Realistic. »

I smile at her response. I love having these casual, spontaneous conversations with her. I know it’s short-lived, so I’m enjoying it. As soon as we leave this room, I’ll have to deal with the commander again. She’s too obsessed with the rules to be any different.

« How long were you clean before last weekend? »

I sit up at this question. It seems like we’re in a moment of trust. I turn to face her and let my head rest against the wall. Her eyes are looking at me intently, very interested in my forthcoming answer. She’s taking a risk by asking me to open up... I sigh and play with a strand of my hair.

« I left the rehab center on September 18. One year after I entered. »

« Just a week before you came here? » she’s surprised.

« I guess my mother preferred to send me to this hole at the other end of the country rather than risk seeing me relapse, » I chuckle bitterly.

« I’m glad she did »

« Really? » I frown.  « I could have done without a military school. Just like the rehab, actually. It was really my worst experience. »

« Drugs are just a never-ending spiral once you taste them. I hope you won’t fall back into it. »

« It was just a rough patch, that’s all…"

I murmur this as I pull my knees to my chest. I’m very thoughtful about everything I’ve been through.

« «You complain about school, but if she hadn’t sent you here, I wouldn’t have met this cheeky kid you are. »

« That’s true, » I say with a shy smile. « You’re right. »

We enjoy the calming silence after all these emotions. It’s been a long time since I confided in anyone other than Mapi. She didn’t even have to drag it out of me. Mapi got the full story. She won, as she’s now the only one who knows everything. It’s no wonder she’s my best friend. She’s the only one I trust implicitly. I know she’ll never let me go, or she would have done so already.

« Still, I know about your love life before your first name. »

« In your dreams, I’m not telling you ».

« Why? You’ve already broken many rules tonight. One more or less…"

« You’ll find out sooner or later, but not tonight. You already know more than you should. »

I give up to keep the good mood going. I’m curious to know, but it will have to wait. I’ve tried to find out, but no one knows. It feels like a golden rule, but it seems ridiculous.

« If you don’t tell me, then tell me why such a beautiful girl is still single? »

« I don’t think t— »

« Oh come on », I interrupt. « You can talk about it to someone. And besides, who am I going to tell? I have no friends here. »

« No friends? What about the Putellas sisters or Leah and others? » she lists.

« Well, alright... I might have friends... Actually, I didn’t really want any attachments... I hate relationships; they always end up causing pain. Except Alexia didn’t get that memo... She can be very endearing. »

« We’re not so different after all, » she murmurs.

« Why do you say that? »

« I’ve been criticized for not being present enough and not investing enough in my relationships, she confesses. That weekend I couldn’t come home was the last straw. I’m not good with attachments either. I’m actually more of a feelings handicap who runs away at the first sign of trouble. »

« So I’m to blame."

"What? No, of course not! » she quickly responds. « It was planned that I wouldn’t come home the weekend you returned. Wiegman ordered me to keep an eye on you the whole week. I informed them of my absence well in advance. It was just that things were already bad before, and the news didn’t sit well. It’s in no way your fault, I assure you. »

I am to blame, even if she says otherwise. If she had returned, she might still be in a relationship. Can I be selfish for not wanting things to change? If none of this had happened, we wouldn’t be here sharing private conversations. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I feel comfortable around her. I no longer feel exposed when confiding in her.

« Do you promise that everything we’ve talked about stays between us? » she asks.

« Of course », I promise. « And I’m not the type to break my promises. »

Time continues to pass. I hope it’s not too late. I’m dead tired, though. This first day has really worn me out. To think that just yesterday I spent the entire day in bed.

« I’m going to take you back to your room, she breaks the silence by standing up. You need to rest. »

« Do you work tomorrow? »

"I suppose I have no choice if I want you to behave. You might try to get my attention. »

« Oh, come on, I chuckle. »

I can tell she’ll bring up this story more than once. I accept her hand that helps me up. We put the equipment back in place before leaving our confessional space. Students are still hanging around in the hallways, which means it’s not yet past ten o’clock. Bronze accompanies me to my room, and I’m glad to see that it’s empty.

« Well then... Good night », she says.

« Thanks for everything, Bronze, » I reply softly.

« See you tomorrow, Batlle. »

I smile as she ruffles my hair. I don’t like the gesture, but coming from her, it doesn’t bother me. Once she’s gone, I head to the bathroom for a quick shower and put on my pajamas. I don’t waste any time sliding under the covers afterward. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from the day, even though it’s better now. It was a special exchange, and I’m glad I’m the only one who knows about it. I get lost in my thoughts, but it doesn’t stop me from falling asleep effortlessly, with a smile on my lips.

[guizika]

Second Chance

Bi-Han x GN! Reader

Cw - GN! reader, you/yours pronouns, established relationship, pet names (Honey, Beloved), angst to fluff, Maybe it's a bit ooc.

Synopsis - You and your husband have been a bit distant recently, making you feel bad.

Word count - 579

Bi-Han and you have been married for some time, but you've missed his presence. Lately he's been coming home late and leaving early, so you rarely see him.

"Honey, we need to talk." You try to talk to Bi-Han, but he just looks at you and lets out a sigh, putting his hand to his temple and massaging it. "Look, I can't right now, we'll talk later." Sub-Zero says, glancing at you briefly before leaving.

You let out a tired sigh and feel your eyes start to water, exhausted from putting up with this every day, just wanting to spend time with your lover again.

After a few moments you go to the room you share with Bi-Han, picking up your belongings and putting them in a makeshift backpack. A few tears run down your face as some clothes are put in there, deciding to leave for a while.

Meanwhile, Bi-Han was on his way to a meeting about the clan, tired and frustrated at not being able to spend much time with you. He realizes that he has forgotten something very important, something that contained the subjects that were to be discussed, huffing and turning to go home.

When he got there, he was about to open the door, but it was opened by you. Bi-Han's eyes scanned your figure from top to bottom, noticing your reddened eyes and the backpack you were carrying. "What's that?" he asked harshly, without realizing it, your figure remained motionless, just staring at the man in front of you.

Without further ado, he entered, pulling you with him. "What were you thinking of doing?" He asks, leading you to the couch, where you sit down and remain silent for a while, just looking at your hands. "Come on, tell me."

After these words, tears began to run down your face, worrying Bi-Han. "I just wanted to talk to you, okay?" You fall silent momentarily and then continue. "Lately it seems like you don't have time for me, it seems like you don't love me anymore." When he hears these words, he is shocked into silence, just staring at you.

Bi-Han's expression shows guilt for having hurt you, the only person he really loves. Without another word, he sits down next to you on the couch, his arms around you in a hug. "I'm, um, sorry about that..." He whispers to you, not knowing how to express himself in the right way. "Beloved, I'll try to make it better, okay? You know I didn't want to-" Before he can continue, you put a finger to his lips, silencing him.

"I know, I trust you and that's why I'm going to give you one more chance." You say, your words containing total honesty. When he hears this, he smiles a little, determined not to screw up again.

Bonus

"Um, but what were you doing with that backpack?" Bi-Han asks, still puzzled as to why you were carrying it.

"Oh, I was going away, I was going to take a break from all this." You say, smiling embarrassedly as you look down at your hands. "But it won't be necessary anymore since you're going to get better."

Bi-Han's expression turns shocked. "You were leaving?" He asks, looking at you in disbelief. "What do you mean?" He asks, getting up from the couch, still in shock. "You know this is very dangerous because..." You let out a tired sigh, knowing you're going to have to listen to a lecture about how dangerous, irresponsible and blah-blah-blah it is.

And that was our first official fanfic!

Please don't translate my work and don't repost on other social networks, if there are any grammatical errors I ask you to excuse me!

[skruttet]

What are your thoughts on Moominvalley's comet special?

I talked a little about it in this other ask response, but overall I was disappointed. I think it's quite telling that the part of it that made me the most emotional was the opening credits 😅

Someone else said it was "underwhelming" and I think that's a good descriptor for it. The rest of the season as a whole already didn't really feel final enough to me, and you'd expect the finale to make up for that and give you that big feeling of wrapping up the whole series in a satisfying way, but it just didn't hit that mark for me.

The actual journey in the first half just wasn't as epic and exciting as I was hoping it'd be, and I think that's partially due to them using elements from Comet in previous episodes so they didn't wanna reuse them again, like the stilts (though surely they could've brought them back...). The cave Moomintroll and Snufkin end up in also feels like a missed opportunity - it's such a beautiful setting, but all they do there is panic, then see the Hemulen, then he leads them out. Idk what exactly they could've done instead, but surely there was something interesting the writers could've come up with to utilise that space more.

The way Snufkin brought up the sun oil was so awkward and forced; I know it was to establish it so that Sniff could have his whole stinky salesman arc in the latter half, but it's really weird how he explains its origin to his friends again even though all of them apart from Snork were there in Fire Spirit! Speaking of, that was a real step down for Sniff, and I would've preferred him to have an arc surrounding the kitten instead. Maybe he spends the time trying to gain its trust or something, and then at the end, finally manages to do so and rescues it to bring it back to the cave.

And speaking of the cave, I didn't like that change, either (honestly I just think I disliked most of the changes they made from the novel tbh lol. like I get they don't just wanna rehash it and want this to be new and original to an extent, but sometimes that can go too far, or just in the wrong direction). It's just really stupid for them to be like "we need to face our fear and face the comet!" it's a COMET! It's not a mysterious noise you hear in the middle of the night that you can investigate, it's a big hot rock that'll kill you all!! And then Groke moves towards it, and ~something~ happens, but this is a family show so they have her moan again at the end to show she's still alive and I love Jack but his delivery of "I'm so relieved" is so weirdly flat that it doesn't help how awkward and unnatural this ending is lmao.

Now this is more of a personal gripe, but I don't like how Snufkin is positioned at the end. When they're facing the Groke, he's right next to Moomintroll, which I like (and also brings to mind Night of the Groke when they faced her together), but then after the white flash, he's not only nowhere near Moomintroll, but not even near their friends? And he walks away WITH THE POLICE INSPECTOR?! Like thank god Joxter doesn't know he's his dad he'd have a heart attack if he found out his son was so chummy with the cops smh. You could maybe argue this isn't even just a personal complaint, and that Snufkin has objectively been one of Moomintroll's most important relationships in this series, so for them to not have some kind of moment or interaction at the end feels wrong.

Something I was going to discuss in that other ask reply but I ultimately deleted because I couldn't find the words at the time was Little My's characterisation. This season in particular made me feel as though she's so, like, mad all the time. And I understand that anger is her thing, but it's usually a cheery kind of angry, you know? But in this series she sometimes just seems so frustrated and upset and although I like that it explores the more emotionally dramatic side of her, I was hoping that by this final season at least she'd be in a more comfortable and happy place. But in this Comet special she's so exasperated and moody with Moominpappa and I wish they just made it feel more like daughter-light-heartedly-poking-fun-at-her-dad, I guess?

Snork is interesting in this special because he plays quite a big role in it, but I also feel so sorry for him cause he's always getting cut off or used by Pappa and Sniff who don't properly listen to him and I just want to give him a big (figurative bc he hates hugs) hug my poor smart boy let him infodump. There's also a moment where he says "I can explain-" and his sister says "Thanks, Snork, but we really need to carry on!" which is so obviously the writers trying to squeeze in Snorkmaiden's characterisation from the book where she's practical in the face of her brother's long-winded meetings, and is a great example of the feminism of her character there, but it just doesn't quite work the same here. Once again just not as natural as it should feel.

On a positive note, I LOVED the look of the comet itself - every shot of it looked so cool and it changed the lighting of the valley in a fun and interesting way. I also liked how Jarmo and Samuli gave the score of the episode a funky sci-fi sound, which helped set it apart as something special for the series. And despite all my negatives, it's still entertaining! It's enjoyable to watch! Just, for someone who had expectations based on the whole series and the novel, underwhelming.

[l33bang24]

OMG It's You…(Part 9)

YouTube!Fem reader x Stray Kids

Summary: Y/N’s YouTube channel is taking off after her reactions to Stray Kids MV God’s Menu. Now she’s making videos nonstop along with working a full time job. What would happen if she got offered a job of a lifetime and met the boys of her succession?

⚠️Warnings⚠️: Lots of feelings, hidden secrets, Felix being a genius 🤔, (lmk if I missed anything)

🏷️ : @laylasbunbunny @weirdowithaphone @silverstarburst @jusanontstuff @anxiousskylar @drewsandsebastianswife @amararosesblog @niaalove (Taglist open)

Series Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Previously on OMG It’s You

Lee Know finally decides to take action so they can both concentrate on what's important. As Lee Know strides towards the door and reaches for the knob, he is taken aback to find his Leader standing there, hand poised to knock. They lock eyes, and Chan slowly lowers his hand. "Hey, I was just coming to see if you wanted to talk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Third Person POV

The boys sat silently on Lee Know’s bed, hesitant to break the quiet. It was as if they were at a loss for words. Finally, Chan gathered the courage to start the conversation. “I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. I know an apology can't undo what's happened, but I…” Before he could finish, Lee Know interrupted.

“Chan Hyung, it's not just about the lies. I trusted you with things that no one else knows. We promised each other no secrets, but then I learned from another member that you weren't honest about your feelings for Y/N. Do you know how much I wanted to punch you? I had to hold back because you're my leader and hyung. I had to let out my frustration at the gym instead." Lee Know looked away from Chan, his frustration evident.

Chan gazes down at his hands, nervously wringing them together. "I'd let you do it; I deserve it," he mutters. Lee Know looks at Chan with concern and lets out a sigh. He carefully considers how to approach the situation. After a moment, he sits down next to Chan. "You don't deserve to be punched in the face. Punched in the arm? Maybe, but I won't do that," he says gently. Chan looks at Lee Know, nodding in understanding. After some more silence goes by, Lee Know speaks up again.

“So why didn't you tell us? Were you worried about how we would react?" Chan stares at the wall, lost in thought. "You all loved her. At first, I did, too, but it felt like Stays was always talking about her non-stop. Did I try to stop it? No, I just put on a brave face and pretended to be okay. But hearing about her made me feel more and more frustrated." He looks at Lee Know. "I kept quiet because I didn't want to be seen as attention-seeking. I thought you guys would think I was overreacting. That's why I stayed silent.”

Before Lee Know responded, Chan continued, "I knew I could trust you with my feelings without judgment. But every time you talked about her, it was hard for me. I wanted to tell you many times but feared ruining our friendship. Then I saw that video of her, and it changed everything. Even when you were there for me, I struggled with these feelings. I was torn between wanting to move on and wanting to tell you the truth. I eventually decided to tell her, but I regret not being honest with you. I'm sorry.”

Lee Know nodded, gently taking his Hyung’s hand into his own. "The next time you feel this way, please don't hesitate to confide in me. You're not seeking attention; you're simply struggling with conflicting emotions. I believe you should have asked Stays to refrain from constantly discussing her. They likely would have respected your feelings if you had asked them to stop. Regardless, what's done is done. From now on, if you ever experience those emotions again, please promise me you'll tell me. It may dampen my spirits a little, but I'd much rather that happen than for you to endure that terrible feeling again, okay?" Chan nodded, offering a small smile to Lee Know.

The duo delved into discussions about life and the whirlwind of their MANIAC Tour schedules. Little did they know they were hiding a significant secret - they had been in contact with Y/N without the other's knowledge. The tension of withholding this information from each other added an intriguing layer to their interactions, creating a sense of anticipation for when the truth would eventually come to light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over time, the pair made a habit of messaging Y/N whenever they found a free moment. They eagerly shared details about their activities and expressed how much they wished she could join them. They also sent photos of themselves and their members. One member noted how his two older brothers constantly smiled at their phones.

He didn't pay much attention to it at first, but his curious mind couldn't help but piece together all the instances where he noticed a change in their behavior. Chan seemed noticeably happier after their big argument, and Lee Know constantly kept his phone by his side. Even Han, of all people, got scolded by Lee Know for taking his phone and dashing off with it once. Lee Know nearly strangled him that day. Felix reflected on this change, which occurred right after they watched the last video of Y/N.

"Did they give their numbers to Y/N?" Suddenly, it clicked in his mind, and everything fell into place! It seems like they've been acting as though they're talking to a girl for the first time. Felix also noticed changes in Y/N's behavior. She appears to be much happier these days, and in one video, her phone kept chiming with notifications, and she just laughed it off as if it were a friend sending her reels or videos from Instagram. Felix has a prominent theory about this, and the timing makes it all the more convincing.

Felix keeps this to himself since his brothers have been getting along better. Although he has his theory, Felix understands that there's a high chance he could be wrong and a slight chance that he could be right. He's hoping that whatever unfolds doesn't stir up more tension within the group.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N’s POV

I haven't shared the news about my move to South Korea or leaving my previous job. It's been tough, especially with Chan and Minho constantly contacting me, sending photos, and wanting to talk. I initially enjoyed our conversations, but it became increasingly difficult as I kept a major secret from them. I longed to confide in them, but my pride convinced me they could wait and that I wasn't a priority in their lives.

I've been focused on creating many content videos to stay ahead of the game. I know the transition to a new place will take some time. Fortunately, MNet has already prepared a recording space for me, and it's breathtaking. The setup is so impressive that even gamers would be envious. They consulted me on how I wanted the room to be arranged, and I provided them with all the details. They truly exceeded my expectations with the final result. I can't wait to see the room in person - it's every content creator's fantasy come true.

I snapped out of my daydreams and refocused on the task at hand: packing.

I've moved before, but this time feels different. I've meticulously organized the shipment of my belongings and planned to follow shortly after by plane. This isn't just a move across the state; it's a leap of faith, trusting that everything will arrive intact and nothing will be lost. Dealing with this has been quite stressful. A few of my new co-workers have already offered to help, which I appreciate.

I find it challenging to accept assistance, especially from individuals I don't know well. I am pretty particular about my belongings, and needing help to move them into an unfamiliar place makes me uneasy. Additionally, I've purchased items for the new apartment that have already been delivered there. While I can manage the items currently at the new place, I will require assistance to move the rest of my belongings.

After countless hours packing my belongings, the shipping company finally arrived to collect everything. MNet had emphasized the importance of caring for my items and ensuring their safe delivery. I received a reassuring call from the company's CEO, who guaranteed they would take great care of my belongings and ensure they arrived in the same condition as when they were picked up.

Now, all that needed to be done was to get ready for bed, as I had a long trip ahead of me. The anticipation and excitement for this new chapter in my life made it impossible to fall asleep. Before settling in for the night, I meticulously went through the bags I planned to take, ensuring I had everything I needed. As part of my nighttime routine, I took a melatonin supplement to help me fall asleep. Until then, I will continue to imagine and anticipate the experience when I finally get there.

(A/N: And so the plot thickens! What are they going to do when they both find out they've keep similar secrets?? Only time will tell 😏😏)

[wered0gs]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[lovely-peace]

The Whims of Fate

Summary: The big game is coming up and you can't wait to see Sirius fly again. But he seems to be more excited for after the game and just before that he surprises you... While seraph has an internal crisis.

Pairing: Sirius black x hufflepuff!reader

Warnings: past toxic friendship, past toxic relationship (not with the reader), insecurities, self conscious , fake dating

Wc: 2.5k anyone who wants to be tagged, just say so there is always room! And I am sorry if my writing isn't as good in this part :')

Masterlist

Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

As we entered the Great Hall for lunch, I could feel the tension still lingering in the air. Sirius was walking beside me, his steps purposeful but his expression stern. The incident with Leander had left him seething, and it was evident in the way he clenched his jaw and the occasional glares he shot in the direction of the Slytherin table.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, unsure of how to address the situation. It was clear that he was trying to maintain composure, but the anger was simmering just beneath the surface. I knew he wasn't upset with me, but I couldn't shake off the uneasiness.

As we settled at the Gryffindor table, I tried to focus on my plate of food, but the tension was palpable. Sirius seemed lost in his thoughts, and I felt like an intruder in his world of frustration. The conversations around us were a mere buzz, distant and unimportant compared to the storm within.

Then, a soft nudge against my shoulder brought my attention back to reality. I turned to see Sirius looking at me, his expression slightly softened. He offered me a small, reassuring smile. "Sorry about earlier. I didn't mean for things to get that heated."

I managed a weak smile in return. "It's alright, Sirius. I understand why you were upset."

He nodded, his gaze lingering on me for a moment before he turned his attention back to his food. Despite his attempt to make amends, I could sense the turmoil still swirling within him. It was as if he was battling his emotions, struggling to find a balance between his protective instincts and his desire not to cause further stress.

As I ate my meal, I couldn't help but steal glances at him. He was so beautiful. How could anyone be so beautiful?

He was putting on a facade of nonchalance, but his clenched fists and furrowed brows betrayed his true feelings. I wished there was something I could do to ease his anger, to let him know that I appreciated his concern.

Meanwhile, a little bit right from us, I noticed Lydia and Maya engrossed in a hushed conversation. Lydia's animated gestures and Maya's attentive nods suggested that they were deep in thought about something. I wondered what they were discussing, but my focus was quickly pulled back to Sirius when he spoke again.

"Are you nervous about the game?" he asked, his tone softer now.

I shook my head, grateful for the change of topic. "Not really. I mean, you are the one playing, so I don't really feel the pressure here. But, I'm excited to watch you play."

He smirked playfully. "Planning to cheer for me?"

I rolled my eyes, trying to lighten the mood. "Maybe I'll just shout 'Sirius Black, you're not as cool as you think!'"

He chuckled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Oh, you wound me."

We shared a genuine laugh, and for a moment, the tension seemed to lift. It was as if we had managed to carve out a small bubble of normalcy in the midst of the chaos. As lunch continued, our conversation flowed more easily, and I found myself forgetting the unease that had gripped me earlier.

Unbeknownst to us, Lydia and Maya were observing our interaction from afar, their heads close together as they exchanged whispered thoughts. Maya nodded at something Lydia said, and they seemed to be sharing some sort of silent agreement.

Later, as we made our way out of the Great Hall, I caught a glimpse of Lydia's mischievous smile. She winked at me, and I couldn't help but wonder what they were plotting.

As we went on, I couldn't help but look after them. I wondered if they would talk about their feelings, or if they would just ignore what was so obviously there.

"Oh, shit!" Sirius looked at me with an apologetic frown. "I already have to go, because James wants to go over the planning we did. Hope you can forgive me."

I smiled at him. He looked so apologetic like a little puppy that disappointed someone. "Don't worry, I understand. Go you have a game to win!"

He smiled at me and ran up to the field, while I watched him go. Without him, the halls felt empty and at the same time overwhelming full.

I already wanted to leave to the library, because we still had time till the game, when I saw Sirius ran up to me.

He was panting heavily and red like a tomato as he stood before me, like he just played the quidditch game of his life.

"What's wrong? Did you forget something?" I felt like I was missing something here, as he took my hands and smiled at me with a red face.

"Yeah, I forgot something very important." He hold my hands tightly and looked me in the eyes. Something plagued his mind and I so desperately wanted to know what. But it remained a secret behind those beautiful eyes.

"What did you-"

"Wish me luck." he suddenly said. His eyes were avoiding mine and suddenly found the ground very interesting. "Please?"

"You don't need luck," I replied softly, my voice filled with faith in him.

He chuckled, his fingers briefly intertwining with mine. "Maybe, but a little extra never hurts."

I chuckled at that. His eyes found mine and sucked me into them again. His right hand let go of mine and wandered off to my cheek. As he hold me captive in his warm touch, he seemed to beg for something.

"Good l-"

Then, in that moment, when I least expected it, he closed the gap between us, his lips capturing mine in a kiss. It was an innocent little peck, like he didn't want to do anything wrong. Time seemed to stand still as our lips molded together, and the world faded away. All that mattered was the sensation of his mouth moving against mine, the taste of his lips, and the rapid beat of my heart, which seemed to run a marathon.

He stroked my cheek while softly breaking the kiss. I missed the contact, but was at the same time overwhelmed by the thing that just happened.

He gazed into my eyes, a fire burning within them. "For luck," he whispered, his voice husky.

My cheeks flushed, and I nodded, my voice equally breathless. "For luck."

We stood like that, with intertwined fingers and gazing at each others eyes, for a minute or two, as he cleared his throat.

"I should go."

"Yeah, you should."

But neither of us wanted to let go of each other, our fingers still intertwined. But after one more minute he let go and smiled at me, with this unreadable expression that so often visited his face.

"I will see you after the game right?" he asked and smiled brightly, as I nodded.

"Then see you later, darling."

I looked after him and couldn't control the smile that was slowly creeping on my red face.

You don't need luck, you idiot. I know that you will win. I saw it with my own eyes.

---

~1974 Third year. ~

The little girls eyes were shining as she watched. 'Was this fake?' she wondered as her eyes followed his broom. His flying hair in the wind, his bright smile as he beat the ball at one of his opponents and lastly his promising eyes. All of it was beautiful.

The seeker in red should have been the main attraction for the audience, but his best friend was like a shooting star for her. Bright, fast and so out of reach. Hoping he would grant her a wish, she looked at him with a wish written in her eyes.

As she wished for once to be noticed, the girl in green next to her followed her gaze. The girl was angry that her house was losing and she was even more pissed that she was here with her.

This naive girl in yellow, which didn't belong here between the people in green. This clingy parasite with this annoying expression. That begging look not to be abandoned, that made the girl in green reconsider.

Why did she even bring her?

Why was she even friends with her?

The girl in the warm colors of the sun, looked at the star of the field, again with this annoying expression. And the girl in green next to her was jealous as she realized how beautiful the emotions behind this gaze were. 'How can you feel this kind of emotions?'

As their eyes were focused on the star, his best friend's eyes caught the golden ball and his broom was racing towards it. The other seeker slowly realized why the boy was suddenly flying so fast and tried to follow just as fast. But he realized that it was no use. The feeling that he already lost was creeping in and he became even slower.

Then a ball hit him from above and threw him off his broom. The beater Sirius black took the chance to cover his mate. He dodged the ball himself and hit it right towards the green seeker.

"And James Potter caught the snitch!!!"

The Gryffindor audience burst into cheers, while the slytherins were glaring at them. The other beater in green was looking at the boy with the name black and wanted so bad to be better. "Next time you hit him leander." his teammates said, but they knew just like him that that was very unlikely.

The green side of the field was full of anger towards those red prideful bunch of kids, that were so obviously the favorites of hogwarts.

Only two girls seemed to be out of place.

They didn't cheer and they didn't get mad. They were both watching the boy in red and wished.

Yellow to be visible. Green to be yellow.

~~

I smiled, as I thought about the memories. The first game he played and the first I watched. I know that he doesn't need a Goodluck kiss.

I kissed you out of pure desire for you.

~~~

Meanwhile in the slytherin common room

"You are such an idiot, Leander, seriously. You don't stand a chance against Sirius, why did you search a fight with him?"

I shook my head at his silliness. How can someone be so impulsive?

"I just had a little 'talk' with your whisky. How could I have guessed that he would be so angry?" the brown haired boy looked away from me and seemed to pout.

A cold feeling went down my spine. I tried to shake it off, but it came right back. What was wrong with me? Why was I so cold?

"Hey, is something wrong, seraph?" Leander looked at me with worry in his eyes and came closer to me. "You looked like something plagued your mind?"

He seemed to want to stroke my cheek with his hand, but I dodged him. "It's nothing of your concern." I stated, and his hand dropped like a stone. He seemed embarrassed and looked at the ground.

"Sorry."

'Your whisky' he said. Like I owned her. Maybe I did, but not anymore. She is off and has new friends now. Every time I see them, I feel like I missed something in my life. Like I got all of this wrong. Like I got her completely wrong. Like I regretted what I did. What I still do.

Those feelings that she has. This joy that she feels, when she is with her friends. This excitement when she sees Sirius. I never felt any of that.

Why was I so bored of those people around me? Why couldn't I be excited for the things that I had? Why does she have this explosive feelings for Sirius, while I can't make myself feel even excitement?

"I wish I could say i'm surprised, but I'm really not. And that's the thing I most regret, seraph. We were never really meant to be." his eyes bore through mine. Ice-cold. "I think you know that as well."

"Do you miss her?" Leanders soft voice snapped me back to reality. His eyes were gentle, with this strange smile. It wasn't threatening, but I could never really interpret it and it made me crazy.

"Who, whisky?" I tried to laugh the cold feeling away. "Oh, please, why would I miss this parasite? I abandoned her in the first place, sweet Leander." I smiled my usual smile. The i don't care smile that made me feel better of myself. I need to feel better about myself.

He looked at me with that strange smile again. Like he knew me better than I know myself. But he really doesn't.

"You know what I think?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I don't really care."

But he didn't stop, like he didn't hear me. "I think you're starting to realize that you really care about her and you've lost her. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve it, she's a snake, but I think you're not so sure anymore and you miss her."

"You don't know anything!" But he did not let himself be stopped.

"You're not as untouchable as you think, 'sweet' seraph. In fact, you're still a little girl who whines when she doesn't get what she wants."

"Shut up!" I was screaming.

"That's why you ran after Sirius like a lost puppy. You just can't stand that he doesn't like you anymore."

"You have no idea, Leander! You have no idea how I feel!" Or what I don't feel. "So don't act like you really understand me."

He was quiet on that. But then he looked at me in such an intense way that Sirius never did. And my heart skipped a beat. Why? "Why did you make out with me if you love him so much? Why did you cheat with me if you miss him so much now?"

His gaze held me and there was a fire in them. The evening in which I let myself drown in self-pity came back, even though I tried so hard to forget it. Eventually, though, I managed to turn away. "You need to get to the quidditch field. It's getting late."

There was tension in the air at that, until he finally stood up. He grabbed his things he needed and went to the door, of the slytherin common room. Before he opened it, he looked at me.

"A little whining girl in green."

And then he left.

Taglist: @theofficialmadman@fanboyluvr@fjdjsiskcjfj@starsval@olkathedestroyer@helloitsmeeeeeee@xamapolax@maripositanoctruna@ancientimes@cloudlst@marina468 @regulus-black-223048 @loving-and-dreaming

[sysmedsaresexist]

Personally, as an OSDD system who's anti-endo, I think I'd be much more okay with endos if they'd separate themselves from CDDs, if they'd just use different language and claimed to be their own thing instead of saying their experiences are "just like ours", I wouldn't have a single problem with them at all, and I've seen a TON of other anti-endos share this sentiment, but I'm curious about what your take on it is.

/i think this post comes across a bit more negatively than I intended but I'm not sure how or why or what to fix. My tone isn't directly at you or anyone in particular, I'm just sort of rambling to myself. Anyone is free to discuss on this post, bring up other terms, or just ramble about your own thoughts.

I completely agree. I'm pretty open about that, and I've had several interesting conversations since I changed stances.

It's not necessarily an anti endo only stance. You can be pro endogenic and anti shared spaces/language.

CDDs = childhood trauma disorders

Endogenic systems = something else that can still be real and valid

The English language = surprisingly limited

I would love if there was a better divide in language, but I don't see it happening, so the best I can do is focus on CDD education. As young people move into system spaces, it's important that there be accurate info on CDDs in any system space, including inclusive plural spaces. You're not getting resources into those communities unless you're willing to talk to them.

But let's talk about language and the words we use.

I think the polls a couple posts down speak for themselves-- endogenic systems are moving towards plural language. Most prefer to be called plural over system.

Problem solved.

Now we can deal with internal family systems, computer systems, and the justice system coopting "system" for their own use 😤 /hj

As for alter, again, plurals would really rather not be called that. You'd offend most if you did.

System hopping was never ours, the proof is archived for everyone to see.

Everyone on this planet dissociates to some degree, and CDDs aren't the only dissociative disorders, so we don't own that.

Introjection is a general concept in psychology that everyone does.

What language are we fighting over?

And if it's just "system" why aren't we more angry about IFS and multiple selves theory? IFS directly compares itself to DID, and I consider their description of DID to be inaccurate. More people and clinicians know about IFS than plurality. Let's go be mad about that.

I've yet to meet an endo who says their experience is just like mine, and I've talked to a lot. At least ten, probably (I'm probably one of the most blocked accounts on system Twitter). Search my tag #shit endos say and bask in the glory of the most wonderful bullshit you've ever read. Several hundred posts, and I think I've only seen it happen like twice? I don't say that proudly anymore, but the posts are still up because we still laugh at misinformation here. It happens, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I think proper education might be best the route to go to avoid overlap.

From someone who's been in this way too long, the problem isn't as big as it seems, I promise. Doctors are well aware of the difference, no one is being tricked, the articles are real and valid, and incomparable to CDDs. They just released an article about how Christians can hear God as a separate stream of consciousness, and they tested tulpas at the same time. Give it another year, the article will be out eventually.

Anti endo is a dying stance, but we can still prioritize CDD content. And hopefully it helps someone who sees it.

But they're not going to see it if I'm anti endo, or if I can't hold a decent conversation and question their self perception every chance I get. Medical autonomy is real, even if it can be frustrating.

Google multiple selves theory and see just how long this has actually been a thing people have experienced. Look outside of psychology and into theories of consciousness, philosophy, and anthropology.

Don't limit yourself to learning only one thing.