#but I'm still like. I've taken more stuff this year than ever before in my life.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

yeah but what if the reason I've been having those single isolated heartbeats that feel especially hard or weird more often the last couple days is because I've taken frickin nsaids more this summer than I ever have before (<- girl whose sleep schedule is so fucked up because she's been taking care of other people's animals, working a part time job, and working on renovating a house with almost no breaks)

[in-class-daydreams]

Imagine Sen begging ex-husband Gojo, "Please don't tell mom!"

"Why is there a huge wolf in your dorm?" Satoru asks, bewildered.

Satoru was on business at the Kyoto school when he stopped by the dorms to visit his son. He got more than he bargained for.

To their credit, Naoki Zenin and Hikari Higuruma don't cower at the prospect of the famed Gojo Satoru catching them red-handed.

"She approached us while we were camping," Hikari explains. "We were cooking some meat and she came up with her ears pinned back and whined for some."

Satoru eyes the 150-something pound wolf. "That doesn't explain why it's indoors. And wolves went extinct in Japan more than a hundred years ago. And why is it that big?"

Sen and Nao hugged the creature around the neck. Sen says, "We think she's pregnant!"

"Still doesn't answer any of my questions."

Their line of conversation gets cut short by Satoru's phone ringing. He checks the caller ID.

"It's your mom," he tells Sen.

"Don't tell her! Please, dad, she's going to beat my ass!" Sen begs.

Satoru chuckles. "Oh, I know." He answers the call. "Hey, what's up?"

The four of them wince when your voice booms through the speaker.

"WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT SEN BRINGING A LIVE WOLF INTO THE DORMS?" you shout.

"How'd she know?" Nao mutters.

"I know it sounds bad, but--"

You cut your ex off. "Put Sen on the phone!"

Knowing that there was no escaping unless they wanted you to come down here yourself, Satoru gingerly hands his son the phone. While you have a full-volume rant about rabies and mauling and animal-borne diseases, Satoru holds up a finger and mouths, "Wait here."

He teleports away while Nao and Hikari pat Sen on the shoulder in solidarity. Hikari is about to tell Sen that he can take you off of speaker until she looks down and realizes you're not on speaker at all. You've just got the lungs of a drill sergeant.

"--rely on limitless to prevent yourself from getting bitten? Wild animals are not pets! What if there's-- Satoru, what are you doing here? I..." The trio listens with anticipation when you trail off and they hear Satoru saying something unintelligible to you.

The audio goes muffled, as if you'd put a hand over the speaker. You and Satoru exchange heated (on your side) words until you stop and huff. Then one thing from Satoru reaches the trio's ears.

"Just let me handle it. Please?"

They can feel your glare through the phone.

"You think you can just come here and bat your lashes and give me that wet puppy look and I'll cave?" you say incredulously.

"Yes. And, well. You know."

You huff and the line goes dead. A moment later, Satoru reappears.

"I've never heard anyone talk her down like that," Sen says in wonder.

Satoru shrugs. "It's a learned skill. I just showed her this picture." He hands them a polaroid.

The color is faded, but the paper is still in mint condition. Someone seemed to have taken great care of it. It reads "September 2005" and it depicts somewhere that must be the Tokyo High dorms. Satoru's visage is unmistakable, what with Sen looking exactly the same. The only difference is more babyish features, his hair, and the round sunglasses.

You looked much the same back then, too. Maybe a bit less tired-looking and with a bit more mischief in your eyes than Sen had ever remembered seeing growing up, but it was still you.

And sitting on the bed, surrounded by empty filet-o-fish wrappers strewn all over your bedroom floor, being hugged from either side by your teen selves, is a fully-grown grizzly bear.

~

Thanks for reading!

Click [here] to keep up with ex-husband Gojo and his estranged family | Ask stuff about Sen and the fam [here]

Hi, everyone! I'm back! Sorry, I was worried I was posting too much before and then I lost a little inspo. I've been having doubts about my Sen work, so I took a little break. Thank you for your support and kind words! It meant a lot! (And to the anon's who asked about reader's burn many moons ago, I haven't forgotten you, I'm just trying to do her injury justice in the fic for it.)

[willowser]

i will never stop writing bakugou as a shy, blushy loserboy, but. the idea of you being more inexperienced than him ??

you're carefully bandaging him up at the agency clinic, after he'd taken a nasty hit that left his shoulder scuffed up, and he's been in here with you more times than he can count, much too late at night, and maybe that's how you get into this conversation in the first place; weird stuff always gets said at this hour.

"no, i'm telling you," despite the vulnerability of what you're saying — despite the awful look that must be on his face — you're laughing. "never dated anyone, never been taken on a date, nothing."

and — he really must look truly terrible, with his mouth open and his lip curled over his teeth and his brows furrowed, because he can't hardly believe a fucking word you're saying. it pisses him off and he doesn't know why, just seems. a waste, for no one to have appreciated someone like you.

someone that he maybe thinks about too much, that is too nice and not funny to anyone but themselves but still laughs and hardworking and. so pretty that it annoys him.

his question comes out rough, harsh. "why the hell not?"

"i don't know," you shrug, eyes cutting to his before focusing back on patching him up. "i'm — probably too shy and weird, or something. and online dating is hard, y'know! some guys are really into the purity thing, like too into it, and some guys find out and won't touch me with a ten-foot pole, so," and then you shrug. like that's all there is to it.

and katsuki is just astounded to know this. not that he's ever done all that much himself, but all his bases have been covered, by now in his life, and he just really can't imagine anyone knowing you and not wanting to—

he realizes the irony of thinking this, like a punch to the gut. after knowing you for almost two years now and never so much as complimenting your stupid hair and the stupid way you wear it.

"well," katsuki grumbles, averting his eyes to the walls of the clinic, trying to seem more interested in your creepy, anatomy posters. "maybe he's comin'...or whatever."

"who's coming?"

"your guy, i don't know!" it's unfortunate that his shirt is off for this, because there's no way you aren't getting a perfect view of the flush that spreading down to his chest. "your dude, maybe he's...figuring it out."

"hmm, maybe. that's what my gran says, but who knows?" you shrug, oblivious — and suddenly your singleness makes a smidge more sense. "i've resigned myself to a touchless, loveless life for—"

"he's comin'!" katsuki barks and you startle at the outburst, eyes casting over his warm cheeks and then down his chest and back. finally, it fucking clicks for you, like he hasn't been finding excuse after excuse to see you every damn night for ages. "he's...checkin' his work schedule and then he's...gonna figure it out, alright?"

you brighten considerably, lip going between your teeth. "oh, yeah, yeah," and your smile is unstoppable, not hidden in the slightest as you turn to the steri-tray at your side, shyness bleeding into his own. "alright."

[apathetic-revenant]

I've gotten a major influx in comments recently on By the Skin of Your Teeth, since the Book of Bill has had a lot of people hankering for GF fic especially of the angsty 80s Paranoid Ford variety. I don't even have to conjecture that, a lot of them have specifically said that in their comments.

it is, honestly, incredible, especially at this particular moment. mental illness has hit my ability to write this whole past year to a degree that I don't think I've ever been through before, and it's been incredibly devastating. writing is such an important thing to me, on so many levels, and having that taken away just really fucks me up in a lot of ways.

I know I haven't really been posting any GF stuff or participating in the Book of Bill activity since getting back on here. that's not because I have any negative feelings towards the show. it's nothing to do with the show itself at all, honestly. it's just, uh, not having much brain electricity at the moment. actually the day I picked up the Book of Bill was literally the same day I switched antidepressants and uh, funny story about that,

and it does kinda suck a bit to come back to this fandom that has meant so much to me, right when the first big new thing in years is happening, and not be able engage with it much for no better reason than not having enough brain chemicals. so the fact that so many people are enjoying this fic now, with absolutely no prompting on my part, is just...really nice. it makes me feel like I can still kind of be part of the fandom even though I'm really not able to create anything new for it right now.

and in a more general sense, I think I really really needed people saying nice things about my writing. I burned out so hard trying to write when I really couldn't that eventually I just accumulated a massive negative association with it. I knew I needed to rekindle some positive feelings there to be able to start doing it again at all, because fucking ADHD brain literally Will Not do a task at all if it's not getting good feelings out of it--but that same thing meant that I couldn't make anything new in order to actually get the positive association back. it was all very catch-22 and extremely frustrating.

so this? yeah. genuinely cannot overstate the very real mental health benefits of having people keysmash in the comments of a Gravity Falls fic that I wrote seven years ago. incredible. bless you all.

[thewebcomicsreview]

In terms of artistic development, have you ever considered pursuing online courses like drawabox?

Are you trying to insinuate something, anon?

I've taken many classes, but I think it actually hurt me a little. I'd take classes, see improvement, stop drawing because the only drawing I did was boring boxes, lose all the progress, repeat. I think I've seen much more improvement over the last year than prior years, just because I'm drawing more.

That's not to shit on Drawing Boxes, of course. I've drawn many a box and I'll have to draw many more. Can't put it off forever. But I've been watching a lot of Pikat lately and the "Fun Before Da Mentals" mindset was a little revelatory to me. You sort of have to work your way up to the beginner tutorials. Also apparently drawing nothing but anime girls is fine actually.

That's not to say I'm not still doing formal stuff, though. I've started going to life drawing classes, and it's been helpful it getting me to just kind of accept really rough sketches were I just try to get all the body parts in sort of vaguely the right place. Like, normally how I'd draw the figure is that I'd draw a head with the guidelines and then basically try to get my sketch to be perfect, which it turns out defeats the point. Right now I'm working on getting to a point where I can sit down for an hour and draw something, with some degree of consistency, and once I'm there I can start working on making the something be actually, like, good.

[veryinjuredperson]

i'm not sure how many people will actually see this post, but anyone who does, hi! i'm vip, and i have some pressing questions on my ol' mind!

so, i'm... severly mental ill, to say the least of it, diagnosed with depression, adhd, anxiety, bpd, professional suspicions of autism and ptsd, and personal suspicions of some sort of dissociative disorder.

to make this easier, im going to breakdown what's been happening...

so, i can't say i've ever noticed being GONE from the present per say, but it's more like... i'm sort of present at all times, but have different personalities or voices who crop up and direct me. my tones change, sometimes my accent changes, my mood changes, the words i use change, certain skill sets might change, thought processes change, etc.

i've struggled with identity for a long time, i just don't like to share that fact usually, particularly because it scares the shit out of me and also due to the fact that i am constantly telling myself that i must be an attention seeker and a faker and a liar, even though i have only spoken about my suspicions of potentially being a system with a single trusted person.

some voices have names, there are several who are at least based on fictional characters, and others who aren't... sometimes i can communicate more clearly between separate voices, and other times it feels like one train of thought that's jumping back and forth for a single mental conversation, like i say something and then respond to myself but it still doesn't feel like just me? i have had people point out that i'm acting different before, but i have a consistent stream of consciousness, so i feel like that's kind of... idk... i feel like that's not how systems work, is it? bc it's less like individual people who take the reigns and more like i am a sort of central core, and then there are little voices or influences, some stronger or bolder than others, who sort of... blend in with me? and influence what i'm doing... so like... i know what's going on, i feel in control, but i don't feel... normal?

if anyone has any way they can help me decipher some of this, please let me know. for now, i've taken to using plural kit and simply plural to log these personality shifts.

i do intend to speak to a psychiatrist and/or at least a therapist about this, but i haven't been able to get that far quite yet. any help in the meantime would be greatly appreciated.

( i have trauma, but a lot of my childhood from at least anything prior to 6th grade is rather blurry, there's memories here and there, some clearer than others, some just gone, i know i've had some pretty bad medical trauma all prior to the age of three, but also some beyond that, i know my parents have always fought a lot, i know that i never stayed in one school for longer than a single grade year, i know i had very inconsistent friendships, i know i played pretend or even "played games with myself" including "hide and seek" which was... generally just sad... but yeah, i do have trauma, i js dont know if it's enough to cause what happened? oh! i also started school a year earlier than most, so i turned 10 part way into 5th grade, i know a lot of sources say that this stuff had to happen prior to... 9? 7? it's unclear... but... just letting that be known )

[tora-the-cat]

How would you have preferred Inner Sakura as a concept to have resolved? Honestly, I think no matter what the idea, it would've been so much more impactful than just having her quietly drop off like she did in canon!

I always kinda assumed that, canonically, Sakura came to grips with her inner self the same way Naruto did in the "Waterfall of Truth", except it took place off-screen in her brain somewhere. Though the DID/Ino Mind-Transfer Shenanigans is waaaaayyyyyy more interesting a thought, in my humble opinion. Maybe Ino even helping Inner Sakura and Outer Sakura compromise and live together in one body? The possibilities...

Speaking of Inner Selves, wouldn't it be kinda funny if Kabuto also had one too given his hefty identity issues? Maybe for his sake it's better if he didn't, because his brain would be like a bumpin' nightclub lmao😅

(Also, please feel free to speak on this matter as much as you'd like! I love reading through your posts while I'm drinking my coffee! :>)

Okay. Okay. So. There are like....several answers to these questions lmao.

CANNONICALLY, Inner was resolved in the most annoying way possible. Sakura never referances having an 'inner self' in shippuden (to my memory), but she does say that training with Tsunade helped her work through her 'emotional issues'. I've always taken this as implying that the INTENDED reading is that Inner was just an inner diolouge Sakura had with herself of all the thoughts and emotions she repressed due to social pressure, and Inner is gone post time-skip because Sakura doesn't repress those anymore, she punches mountains in half. No longer having Inner is supposed to symbolize character growth.

But this, of course, would ALMOST make sense, were it not for. Ino Yamanaka. Who, after doing the mind transfer jutsu in the premils, confirms something that most viewers weren't even really considering until that point; Inner is NOT a personified inner diolouge in Sakura. She's a seperate mind. She is another soul INSIDE Sakura's body that operates even without Sakura's input.

And girls have to be strong to survive.

SO. That said. My read on cannon is that Sakura realized Inner wasn't normal and basically locked her in a mental box in the back of her brain for the rest of her life and refuses to think about her, because she's worried that Tsunade wouldn't see her as a worthy student if she was Crazy (because she thinks. she's Crazy). I don't think she had a waterfall of truth moment, cause that would require Sakura THINKING about Inner, which she. does not want to do.

As far as how I would have PREFERRED Inner Sakura being handled?

Kishimoto could, tomorrow, wake up and write a chapter of Boruto with my propisition that Inner is in a box and, once let free, would kind of just chill while Sakura lost her shit, and have a little side arc where Sakura works through that and DOES reconcile with Inner and stuff. He never WILL do that, but, yeah, I think that would work fine enough for finally tying off the 20 year old loose thread of Inner's disappearance. They've resolved stupider shit for less in Boruto.

This may be a surprising take from me but, honestly, I don't hate 'sakura realizes inner is real and immediately banishes her to the darkest corner of her mind so she never has to actually confront her existance'. I think that's ETREMELY in character for miss 'will DIE if she takes responsibility for ANY action EVER', especially at 14 years old. If I could rewrite naruto JUST to sneak Inner more neatly into it, I think I would still have Sakura box her away during the timeskip, with the caveat that we would like....actually get a vauge flashback scene of her actually repressing Inner just after she starts her training with Tsunade, and occasionally Sakura would say and/or think something a little weird that just gently reminds you that Inner is a thing, every once in a while- kinda like what little we see of Gaara before he looses shukaku but after him and naruto become friends. We would only get the Inner release/full reveal of what's going on with Sakura after she's hit an emotional breaking point and needs to let Inner out to help her regulate her emotions- I'm thinking around the time she does the whole fake confession scene with Naruto, but if we wanna give the plot point some breathing room it could just be an emotional spike as sharp and sudden of her hearing one too many people talk shit about Sasuke WITHOUT getting hit, or Ino daring to ask 'hey. what happened to the second soul in your body? how's she doing?' and Sakura trying desprately to change the subject because she has been NOT THINKING ABOUT IT for like 3 years thank you VERY much.

Honestly, I'd settle for Inner just continuing to be a running joke. Sakura fighting with her internally now that she has the confidence to ALSO be loud and angry, Inner having more emotional intelligence and transparency and Sakura never listening to her cause she's still in denial about Inner being a Person with anything worth listening to. Sakura thinking she's SO normal even though she's been muttering to herself about how she does NOT want to kick Ino's ass (Inner does. a lot) on and off for like 3 hours. Things of this nature. I think a lot of this is repeating what I've said about already so I'll stop here but like....I love you forever inner sakura they can NEVER make me hate you inner sakura <3

As far as what I think Inner 'is': it being a training mishap where Ino accidently split Sakura's soul in half as kids is SO much fun and especially has some steller InoSaku potential, but I personally just....Like the idea of sakura just. being like that lmao. I usually write it as Sakura being born a twin and Inner being her stillborn twin sister who's soul went into Sakura cause it had no where else to go (it's a LITTLE more complicated then that cause I think about her. a lot. but basically). Sakura WAS just born this way!!!! NORMALEST GIRL EVER!!!

On a similar note; I don't really EVER write Inner as a DID alter, because DID is like....real. DID manifests (to my understanding, I'm obviously not a doctor or anything) when a child is in such traumatizing circumstances during their developmental years that they dissociate frequently enough to fracture their psyche into different conciousness, so they can compartmentalize their trauma and remain a mostly-functioning person. You almost always have more then one alter, and often (without therapy) can't clearly draw the lines between 'you' and your alters cause. well. the point is that you're so chronically disocciated that you have trouble being 'all there' in the first place. LOTS of people have DID and don't recognize that's what it is for a long ass while, cause they think it's as simple as, like, that one stupid shamalan movie.

Canon Sakura almost CERTAINLY does not have DID, unless she went through some SHIT that was never even mentioned in cannon- which, to be fair, WOULD map on to DID because. she would NOT remember it lmao that's probably what Inner is FOR. But, for the story that Naruto is and the character that Sakura is, it doesn't really read. Sakura's supposed to be an insanely driven girl who drags herself from the mediocrity of her civilian upbringing to be the second coming of Tsunade, so, for all that you can read into and joke about Inner's existance and Sakura's low empathy generally and how Sakura seems concerningly releived that her parents are dead in RTN (all of which I LOVE doing), in order for her to work as a character she can't have too much of a tragic backstory in canon. Outside of canon is another matter of course, but idk. you can write an interesting plurality dynamic without calling it DID, especially in a world of ninja magic bullshit.

ON THAT NOTE THOUGH. Yeah. Kabuto has DID <3 <3 <3 LOOK AT HIM. LISTEN TO HIM TALK. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. YOU ARE RIGHT. HIS BRAIN IS BUMPING LIKE A NIGHTCLUB. AND HE IS NOT INVITED TO THE PARTY!!!!!

[mercair]

Goodbye Mercair

On January 7th of 2017, i posted my first song ever. It was a shitty self-insert megalo that never got any likes and barely got listened to. But i didn't really make it to get popular, i knew at the time that that would never happen and i was okay with it, because i didn't make that song for that. That first song was my way of thanking this community for helping me so much during a grim part of my life, to thank YOU, Undertale/Deltarune fan just for being there, creating stuff, and making people happy... I wanted to pay back the happiness this community gave me, and it has been like that ever since.

But now i realize, after 7 years, that... I'm not needed here. Whether i'm here or not, people would still be happy. People would have banger songs to listen to and characters to obsese over, without me. And that's wonderful! I enjoy seeing people happy more than i enjoy seeing myself. Just like in real life too, i'm the kind of person that can disappear from earth, and almost nobody would notice. But it's not like i can blame them, in the last 7 years i've been here i barely talked to anybody, i barely interacted and i barely got any friends.

And also, i'll just never be able to pay my debts with this community. I owe you guys so much, but nothing of what i do will ever be enough, not for me at least. And now i just have nothing to offer. I have no new ideas, i'll have no way of composing in what seems like months at this point, and i just lost my motivation. I've ran out of excuses to justify my presence in this place.

But also, in all honesty... After 7 years of creating stuff, even though i told myself that i never did it for popularity... I just thought i would stop feeling like a nobody, and that i'd stop feeling jealous of everyone else's success on this community. Is that ungrateful of me? Am i being greedy and not appreciative enough of what i got? Honestly, that's another reason of why i decided to leave; i'm just so secretly jealous of every other famous person in this fandom, i just think it'd be unfair for you guys to have a person like me around here. Ungrateful, greedy, jealous.

So i decided it's just time. To give up. To leave.

Once i'm done writing this letter, it'll be over. I'll stop being a musician, and i'll stop being an artist too. But please don't be sad about that. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to keep being happy, living in this fandom, like always. Keep making banger tracks, keep making cool art whether it's of your favorite characters or your own awesome ocs, keep talking to your friends and the people who love you, and overall, just forget about me. Forget about all of this. All my creations, all my characters, songs and concepts, they're not worthy of your praise. But everyone else's stuff is. So please, don't remember me or else i won't be able to leave this place in peace.

And now, i guess the question people are more interested in right now is "What will happen to all your stuff then?" Well, as some may have noticed, i've already taken down all of my original tracks from my soundcloud account, except for the covers/songs i made for other people and collabs, which are still up, since they're either not my characters, or i just wasn't the only one that worked on it, and it would be unfair to delete it. The soundcloud account will soon go unnamed, and i'll erase any connection to me it has, so people will be able to listen to those songs, without my name in it. As for my Tumblr and Twitter account... I'm now debating on whether or not to delete them, or just do the same and erase my name from both of them. I also gotta point out the possibility of me regreting this decision, but even if i do, i'm most likely not coming back.

So that's it. But before i go, i want to apologize. For everything.

I'm sorry i wasn't the best at what i did.

I'm sorry if my music wasn't good enough to make you smile or bang your head to it.

I'm sorry if my artistic abilities never catched your eye.

I'm sorry that i was never able to make a character you could obsess over.

I'm sorry if i was just too awkward and unfunny when talking to you.

I'm sorry if i was never able to become your friend and be someone you could talk to on the daily.

And most of all, i'm sorry for thinking that i could be like you. That i could be one of you.

All of you are so talented... SO incredibly talented and such good people... You're all legitimatlly amazing, and don't let people tell you otherwise. You're all gonna do great stuff in the future with the skills you have now, i guarantee it.

Well, i have to go now.

Thank you. For everything, and for what you did for me so many years ago. Thanks to you, i managed to be happy for the last 7 years of my life.

Goodbye UTDR.

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

ok this is a deeply deeply weird manifesto and i'm sorry but i feel suddenly very burdened to say it so. if you felt like we were friends and i unfollowed you, this is for you. (don't be scared this is not about problems with anyone this is just my mess. that I think is ok to have which is why I'm talking about it)

so I joined tumblr in 2020 when a) the world was isolated b) I had just moved to a new city and was living alone taking Zoom classes in my apartment. what started as a mindless distraction became such a lifeline of connection and friendship! and still such a support as things started to open back up and get busier in 2021, when I was teaching and in class in person but still struggling for close in-person friendships. I know the group dynamic on here has shifted a number of times, as some of you probably experienced from various vantage points. my use of tumblr has shifted too, on and off, as I've needed different things out of it and been in different spiritual and emotional states. and I've kind of come to realize that I probably threw myself in too eagerly in some ways. it was so exciting to have actual friends on here and for them to actually turn into friends in person, that honestly I maybe prized that dynamic too much for what it symbolized over actually valuing the people. I'm sorry for doing that.

anyway, that worked fine for a bit, but as (glory be to God) I've become much more plugged into my in-person community in the last couple years, I've felt more and more emotionally strained. I've taken up a new attitude towards my family that's much more in line with God, but also much more draining as it means I have to just pour out in prayer and love and wait with patient sorrow over some things rather than fighting and defending my perspective as always right and necessary; and then there's the church-related grief my family has gone through over the last year. I've had a very delicate and difficult friendship that pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from a college situation and felt endlessly wearying at times. I've had another issue from college recur in a way I thought had been healthily resolved years ago. I've had this whole roommate marriage situation that as y'all know is a very weird trial and pressure. My church has been dealing with a strange and tough ongoing struggle that was already stressing me out before I started working there. My small group has been amazing and I've loved connecting with and relying on them more, but that connection also means more fully bearing the griefs of a lot of different people dealing with the different struggles of life. My advisor situation has been so weird and tough, making my academic work really hard, and then this recent church work has been fulfilling but physically and often mentally exhausting. My future location, work, and community is up in the air after a few years of stability. (I really didn't mean to make this a recitation of my woes, but honestly it's really helpful to see it all written out here; helps explain my deep deep exhaustion, I guess.)

If I ever followed you on tumblr, I love you. In a number of different ways. I feel fondness at the thought of you and at your presence; I want to know you more fully; I desire the good for you; and I find my well-being to be, at least a little bit, tied up with yours. That last one is the rub. As I'm sorting through all the callings and duties in my life, trying to identify what counts as changing my tires versus what wears my tires out, I've found that my tumblr dashboard can switch back and forth very unpredictably between one thing and the other. Often it's a delight to come on here and find my friends and the cool things we're showing each other and the joys and sorrows and goofy moments of our lives! But at other times, when what I desperately need is an escape and rest and humor to provide solace from in-person cares, I find myself pricked all over again by the sorrow of the world and the stress of sin--or even just irritated by stuff I find irrelevant or disagree with or don't want to be reminded of.

To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's doing anything wrong on here. The opposite; I love the freedom y'all have to seek out what helps you, whether that's a lot of facts and ideas or a lot of goofy content or recipes or weird TV or music or venting about life or seeking prayer or advice! We all have the freedom and responsibility to determine how to use the tools we have to aid us in pursuing the good, whether the good is a quick laugh or building up virtue. But I think for me, at this point in my life, my duty and calling has swung back towards my in-person connections in a variety of ways, and I have to honor that.

The lie of infinity that the internet offers is just that--a lie. for me, that lie right now is being laid bare in my inability to have infinite care for everyone whose path I cross. I could follow everyone on here whom I'm endeared to, could keep messaging and replying and building relationships, but it would be a lie to think I can offer that love and care to everyone I would like to. In-person friendships are limited by physical proximity and time; online friendships can't be unlimited either. I need to apologize for acting as though they could be, and committing myself beyond my limits; but also, my life has really changed, and I'm not going to be caught either by the lie that online is only worthwhile if it's permanent.

I want to be clear that I value the connections I've had with you. I've loved exchanging mail and phone calls, messaging fun things back and forth, being online at the same time or learning about your day after the fact. Please know, also, that I have gone to war in prayer for you, and I continue to do so. I wish that I knew how to love widely without feeling pulled apart and worn down, by difference and sorrow and sin (mine and yours). I hope God is sanctifying me toward that end. But right now I'm fairly convinced I need to honor my calling to in-person friendships; I need to protect my mind and heart from even little pricks and distractions, so that I can keep my desires in order and use my energy for prayer and Scripture and to do good work and love the people God's made my physical neighbors. I really do love you, and I wish we had infinite time to talk and think together. I'm so excited to be with y'all in heaven forever. And who knows--maybe my life will shift yet again (it's looking likely) and I'll have a ton of spare energy and love and will come sheepishly back looking to connect with you again. We'll see. You deserve love and attention and connection, in person and online, and I'm sorry that--at least as it feels to me--I held out the promise of giving you that and then had to withdraw it.

so. there's all that. My dash is super quiet these days, thwarting my dopamine search but pushing me towards texting friends, towards meditating more fully on Scripture, towards praying over my work and burdens. I hope you can understand and maybe even be glad that, God willing, this is how I'm able and needing to work for the kingdom right now. love you love you

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

saw your name on the erised particpant post and i'm so excited to read what you wrote! it's like seeing authors in the wild when they do fests and stuff. can't wait

Ahh thank you! I've participated three times in Erised and unfortunately, this year will be my last time for that particular fest, but I am glad you are looking forward to it! There's another fest I participated in as well that will get revealed in the next couple weeks. If you are interested in my past fest fics, I'll link them.

-Dear Cousin, Love Regulus [Harry/Draco Big Bang 2018] As the sole Malfoy heir, Draco understood that his path was set long before his birth; who to be, how to act and what his choices should be. What he had not counted on was the power of outside influences. Letters from his deceased cousin caused him to realize that he did have choices, starting with the choice to be someone else, to be who he wanted to be. The road to self-discovery was difficult and navigating that path in the shadow of Harry Potter was its own challenge but maybe, just maybe, his friends would help him along the way. And he would owe it all to Regulus Black.

-Ardour of Karma [H/D Erised 2019] “Malfoy knows something is going on with you and unless you both want to go back to fighting and death glares, you should fix it.”

“How do I do that? Just waltz up to him and say, ‘I know I’ve been a prat but your scent makes my dick swell. How’s your day?’”

“Mind repeating that?”

The familiar drawl had Harry’s throat clamming up as his blood ran cold. Oh no.

-The Forsaken [Harry/Draco OwlPost 2019] When Draco imagined his future as a child he thought he'd be a Potion Master, get married and maybe have a kid. But the reality was he was a retired Assassin, bitten by a Vampire and mated to a reckless, idiotic, foolish ex-Auror now turned Veela—Harry Potter.

-Borrowing Courage [H/D Erised 2018] After years of being a Magical Artist and painting for other people, Draco decides it’s time to paint for himself for once. The secrets pile up as he tries to unravel the mystery of his relatives but the only thing he didn’t count on was having to go to Potter of all people for approval.

-Save a Horse, Ride a Malfoy [HP Kinkfest 2020] Riddles are woven throughout life, some never answered and many lost in frustration. Whatever riddle it was that defined what Harry and Draco had was a mess of a riddle that worked for them, despite what everyone else thought, even if there was no answer—yet. Sex was another riddle, only that was one they had solved many, many times over. 

-Still Standing [H/D Fan Fair 2019] Not many know the evil origins of a Philosopher's Stone. When Draco discovers that the Goblins found one and kept it, he'll stop at nothing to see it taken care of. Even if that means having to deal with Gringotts' very own resident twat: Harry Potter.

-Augury Forecast [HP Drizzle Fest 2018] Draco had always known that teaching at Hogwarts would be an experience, he just didn’t think that meant a flash flood in the kitchens, a windstorm in the Great Hall, or a sandstorm in the Quidditch pitch. Months of extreme weather would grate on anyone’s nerves, but to have Potter, the ever annoying Divination Professor, around every corner was even worse. So much for a quiet life at Hogwarts.

-Teach Me [HP Contest Fest 2018] "If you can’t learn Occlumency, then you can’t become an Auror.”

No. All of this couldn’t be for nothing. Harry hadn’t spent so much time proving himself, proving that he was more than just a famous name for all of this to go to shite. “This can’t be the end.”

"I have someone in mind that could teach you if you are willing, but I can't guarantee he will help, especially considering your... past." 

"You don't mean Malfoy, do you?"

-Worth Betting On [HP Joggers Fest 2018] The easy way Malfoy breezed into the arena in an unprofessional attire—grey joggers that outlined far too much, and a white dress shirt open with nothing underneath—which showed off his chest, his sweaty sweaty chest—had Harry sitting up straighter. It wasn't unusual to see Malfoy in such a state of undress, it was a signature move that he refused to change.  

Not that Harry wanted him to change. 

 Or the one where Draco is a professional Duelist, and Harry can't stay away from the matches.

[yolowritter]

In Defense of Chloe Bourgeois Part 1: Who is Chloe?

Well...shit, here we go again! Hello there everyone, welcome back to the source of my endless exasperation! Before any of you pick a side to the argument, I want to make it perfectly clear that this isn't a post about whether or not Chloe should have had a redemption arc. This is not my point, and any argument for either side have been repeated so many times by now that I can recite most by memory. So, let's begin by establishing why exactly I'm even writing this post!

Chloe Bourgeois is one of my favorite characters in Miraculous Ladybug. The...the fanon version, obviously. Canon can go keel over in an alleyway, it already has more holes in it than the average swiss cheese. I've been a part of this fandom for a good few years now, and at the time of watching Miracle Queen was understandably upset at the...direction, that her character was taken. It left a sour taste in my mouth because I honestly didn't see it coming, but I'll get more into that later. Point is, I was once a defender of Chloe's redemption arc. I am not stating if I am or not still one of those at present, because that's not what the point is. Regardless of what side of the fence you're on, we can all agree that her character was horribly mismanaged in the latter half of this show. Erratic, extreme and oftentimes illogical choices that sound stupider than Lila's average gaslighting scheme, and a character who previously had an arc going for her now being defined only by the sheer inconsistency that writhes every moment she's on-screen. I'll be honest, I no longer particularly care if Chloe "should" have been redeemed or not, because either avenue could have allowed for some brilliant (or at the very least pretty decent) storytelling.

This defense strives not to strip anyone of their arguments, nor to challenge anyone's headcanons, or make a point about what the "correct" way to handle Chloe's character should have been. Again, I lost interest in the debate a long time ago. I'm simply here to examine who Chloe is as a person, what drives her, what her life experiences have been like, and where all this could logically lead from both a writing and human perspective. I care about Chloe as a person, and about a character who if nothing else, at least acts consistently, in a way where the audience can watch them and understand why they're acting like this. I'll be trying to give context to some of her actions and fill in as many plot holes as I can, as well as giving a glimpse as to how a possible Redemption or Corruption Arc could have gone. So without any further ado, let's dive right in!

Firstly, let's start by laying out some common ground. After the Gabriel Agreste post, I think it's necessary to establish some clear lines as to what exactly we're talking about here. So before anything else, let's look at what we learn about Chloe in Season 1, yeah? Without going episode-by-episode, we generally don't get a good impression of her. Chloe is clearly spoiled by her father, used to always getting her way, and has no problem pressuring others into making that happen. She treats her classmates more like annoyances if not outright minions (Sabrina and on occasion Kim), has little consideration for other people's feelings, and likes appearing superior to everyone else. A pretty bad start, all things considered. She bosses Sabrina around, and we're explicitly told that Chloe often bribes her with her second-hand stuff, or whatever she wants to get rid of. Sabrina clearly doesn't know how to stand up for herself, and Chloe seems perfectly willing to take advantage of her doormat status. She also has the roots for a sweet sweet superiority complex firmly planted, considering how she rejects and humiliates Kim when he tries to confess his love to her. I'll be damned if I ever understand such bad taste, considering how Chloe is generally disliked by the rest of the class, but the point stands. She could have just told him no, even rudely if need be, and left it at that. Instead, she actively chose to humiliate the poor guy. Something similar happened with Nathaniel, whose feelings about Marinette she made public to everyone else for what seems to be entertainment value.

All in all, Season 1 Chloe has all the stereotypical makings of a popular girl from a 2010s American high school movie, including the narcissism, bullying, strong-arming school staff into not punishing these behaviors, inflated ego, and the complimentary minion! Except...Chloe isn't popular. With anyone, actually. Most of the class dislikes and barely puts up with her on a good day. They don't laugh along or jeer at whomever she's giving trouble to. Instead we have several instances where people actively try to either push the teachers into doing something or remove her from a situation where Chloe is causing problems. Think about the filming scenes in Horrificator for example. Chloe is acting like her usual self again, and refuses to allow Marinette to be the lead actress because she'll get to kiss Adrien. A tragedy, I know! Therefore, there's a whole plot to get her out of the room long enough for the scene to happen. People actively consider her at the very least a pain in the rear, and probably someone they just don't even want to talk to.

Obviously this isn't an excuse for anything she does. My point here is that from the perspective of the narrative, even while acting the part of a "Queen B", Chloe reaps none of the benefits, and in fact only serves to make people dislike her more with every episode that passes by. Even Adrien, who I'll circle back to in a second, her childhood friend who has a good opinion of her when he first comes to school, eventually stops trying to defend Chloe's behavior. There are, I think, a lot of reasons as to why she acts this way. Precisely none of them are an excuse or a "get out of jail" free card. Chloe still chooses to behave the way she does, regardless of the motivations.

About Adrien, we know that he and Chloe have known each other for a long while now. She was quite possibly his singular friend during his otherwise relatively isolating childhood, and she's very clearly attached to him. Chloe constantly clings to Adrien and drapes herself over him, and while he seems to find it annoying, there's still never a sense of disgust like with Lila in later Seasons. She's being suffocating, but there is never a connotation of romance here. Still, Chloe does everything she can to keep Adrien close to her, and (in Origins) "teach him how things are" in school. She's the one who got him signed up as a student in the first place, mind you, so she very clearly wants him to be around her. And while Chloe does brag about him being a famous model, she could just...do that without ever actually bringing Adrien out of the house? Clearly that's not the reason why she went through all the trouble to actually get him in the class, because bragging about it would probably go worse if she did it in front of him, or in an environment where Adrien could easily hear about and react to it. Chloe is very possessive of her "best friend" (and only friend, discounting Sabrina), and constantly belittles Marinette for trying to get close to him. Mind you, she doesn't find out about her feelings for Adrien until Season 3 I think. We never see Nino get bullied for befriending him, so what gives?

I'll talk about reasoning later down the line. For now, let's move onto Season 2. Amidst the beginnings of Ladybug handing out Miraculous jewels like candy to her best pals, seriously Season 4 overdid it, Chloe also exists. And during Despair Bear, Adrien finally puts his foot down about her behavior. He tells her that he can't be friends with someone who acts like a bully, and Chloe is genuinely hurt by this, to the point where she does her best to put on a good show and convince Adrien that is capable of not being an ass. Which is actually the case, believe it or not. She holds back the snides, does her best to make casual conversation with the people she considers to be inferior to her (I'll get to that, don't worry), and makes a real effort to keep at it for the sake of their friendship. The reason why she blows up here is made very obvious by the episode itself. Chloe is in unfamiliar territory and clearly reining herself in a lot, which Despair Bear pokes fun of in several back-to-back scenes. She doesn't want to do this, clearly has mutual dislike for the people she's forced to put up with every day and has made up her mind about a long time ago, for the sake of the one person she considers a genuine friend. And mind you, Chloe never uses Adrien for something. She brags about his job in Origins, and preens about their friendship often, but she never takes advantage of him like she does Sabrina. I will get to their toxic friendship in a minute, don't worry, but Chloe chooses not to try doing this with him. Adrien is...oblivious, to put it nicely, and she could easily try and play around that to serve her own goals, but she doesn't. Keep this in mind.

Anyway, she blows up because Armand (also c'mon, if you wanted to make the joke that Chloe doesn't know her butler's name, Jean "insert today's last name" was more than enough, Thomas) keeps lugging her teddy bear and playing pretend with her in a room full of people. I'm sorry, but that may be the most relatable Chloe moment in the whole show. Are you kidding me??? Of course she'd be embarrassed by this! I mean sure, her reaction to the situation is wrong, she shouldn't have screamed at him or threatened the man's job, but Chloe has serious anger management issues. That is obvious, because she acts like this every single day! Why would Armand do this??? She's already way out of her comfort zone by even hosting the party in the first place, surely there's easier ways of reminding Chloe not to be a bitch? Just tap her on the shoulder and say "miss, remember Adrien?" because that's the whole reason this is happening! The teddy bear is completely unecessary! Especially the voice acting! It made me laugh so hard when I first watched that episode but can you blame Chloe for being pissed? Again, she reacted poorly because her self control is comparable to Plagg's when there's camambert in his field of vision! So yeah, it's wrong to scream people's ears off like that, but she was also upset. And she's fourteen mind you!

Anyway, my actual point about Season 2 is that we get to see Chloe's character development. Thank Nooroo, finally a proper arc in this damn show! And we also get to see her family life. Side note, Andre Bourgeois is a spineless coward who I'll be bashing momentarily. But Chloe's mother is horrible! Audrey Bourgeois is blatantly neglectful, if not abusive to her daughter! She treats Chloe the same way Chloe treats everyone else! As disposable, expendable things that don't "deserve" her attention because they're not good enough. Like, if this doesn't give a six year old some hefty trauma along with an inferiority complex, what will??? And the situation becomes even worse as Chloe becomes incresingly desperate during Style Queen, trying again and again to please Audrey by copying her behavior (which she's been doing this whole time) even more intensly, and acting like the entitled, self-absorbed narcissist that her mother is! And this is where we see exactly why Chloe does what she does! Again, none of this excuses her actions, but it does help us understand the behavior. Audrey constantly puts Chloe down and belittles her the same way she does to Marinette...only to later pick the kid that Chloe is jealous of (I will explain this in a second!) to come with her to New York, where Audrey had presumably yeeted herself off to years ago and never bothered to come visit! We already know that she pressured her husband into giving up his love for film to stay with her, maybe even during her pregnancy or after Chloe's birth. Only to promptly vanish and leave him (a person who never grew a spine or managed to stand up to what is undoubtebly a toxic relationship) with her miniature copy. It's obvious that Chloe's barely ever seen Audrey, but she idolizes the woman because that's her mother! Heck, Adrien idolizes Emilie even if she was arguably not a great person (see here) and Chloe is always kicked to the curb for just doing the same!

Audrey is a horrible person and an even worse role model, but when you're five years old and she disappears from your life, is it any wonder that there's a steaming hot pile of mommy issues here? If Chloe has been told by Audrey from the moment she was old enough to understand words that she isn't "exceptional" enough to "deserve" her time, then isn't it obvious why Andre tries and fails to make up for this by always coddling his daughter and giving in to her every whim? He's trying to please her and give Chloe a sense of self-importance that Audrey made near-impossible to develop, and also makes up for his own absence by basically bribing his own child! Not that Andre is innocent in this! If anything, he's even more at fault than Audrey! Because while she flew off into the sunset to fire her twenty-seventh unpaid intern of the week, he was still in Paris with Chloe! Who grew up with him, mind you! And sure, he got elected into office and had a busy job as a single parent! You know what else he did? Crime! Almost everything he does in this damn show is completely illegal! Bribery, blackmail, undue termination of Roger's position as a police officer, who Andre doesn't even have juristiction over mind you (because Paris had the National Police until like 2021-ish if I recall correctly), he's just a corrupt, scummy politian whose ideas (see Megaleech) are harmful to the people he's supposed to be serving and outright motivated by greed! And also, we are explicitly told that he taught Chloe to do these same things! Andre Bourgeois is a total idiot who's probably been committing tax evasion for all we know, and Audrey is a self-absorbed diva who bullies her own child constantly, when she even bothers to go see her! Which is never, unless she needs to be in Paris for some other event related to her job!

Thomas, what the heck do you mean Chloe is evil? Lila is an accomplice to a domestic terrorist, and a psychopath against whom the only protection is the show's PG rating! If Lila could, she'd burn Marinette's house down for shits and giggles my good man! Audrey is everything I just mentioned, Andrey is a corrupt, spineless politician, Tomoe physically abuses her daughter with fucking katanas on the daily, Gabriel Agreste is that domestic terrorist who almost fired every nuclear warhear in the USA by the way! Because that was stupid of the NYC special to do! But he still did it! Plus the genocide in Shanghai! Accident or not, Hawkmoth is still responsible! And later on he also put his son in a room! A rubber room! Thankfully there weren't any rats, as if he needs another OSHA violation! Are you people insane when you say "I don't know why Chloe acts like this"? Have you lost your marbles??? Do you want me to have an aneurysm? Of course a child is going to act the way Chloe does if this is the shit she's been dealing with since Day 0 of her life! Does that make it okay? Absolutely not! But does it mean that she deserved what happened to her canonically? Also no! I'll talk about how the corruption arc could have worked at the end, because they tried and failed to do that, so let's circle back to the "jealous of Marinette" thing from a minute ago, kay?

Note: We're doing this in part 2 because this is closing in on 3k words already. The whole rant is done, no you don't want to know how long it is, I'm just splitting it because nobody will ever read 7.5k words worth of anything on Tumblr dot com.

< next post >

[arpmemething2]

The Last of Us sentence starters

Taken from both the TV show and all video games. Send one for my muse's response. Feel free to change pronouns as needed.

"I've struggled a long time with survivin', but no matter what you have to find something to fight for"

“So you went from teacher to preacher; because what? It fuckin' rhymes?”

“You can't stop this.”

"You live in a broken world that you could have saved."

"That is... a hat on a dinosaur."

"There are a million ways we should’ve died before today, and a million ways we can die before tomorrow."

“Fuck Seattle.”

“But she gets to live...”

"I would do it all over again."

"That's gotta be hard. Leaving all of your stuff behind like that."

"Now get the fuck out of my town."

"We let you both live and you wasted it."

"To the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive..."

"It's called luck and it's gonna to run out."

"Everyone I have cared for has either died, or left me. Everyone ... fucking except for you! So don't tell me that I would be safer with someone else, because the truth is I would just be more scared."

"The only people who betray us are the ones we trust."

“Hello? Anyone? Cure for mankind here!”

"I don't ever want to see your goddamn face again."

“I can make it quick or I can make it so much worse.”

"I was never afraid before you showed up"

"I walked in to my sister's room and slipped on her bra. It was a booby trap."

"After years of wandering in circles, we’re about to come home, make a difference, and bring the human race back into control of its own destiny."

"It wasn't time that did it."

"Every bad feeling… Your palms sweating, your heart racing… They're all signs you're actually stronger."

"Light on the reading, but it has some good photos."

"That was lame. You're lame."

"Those were your fucking people!"

"Go. Just take him."

"Well, here's your chance to bring your kid into a better world."

"Hearing them talk, it's good to know they're scared of you."

"A bad reputation doesn't mean you're bad."

"I was supposed to die in that hospital."

"I swear."

"Endure and survive."

"If I were ever to lose you, I'd surely lose myself."

"I mean it's why you took off on me, right? To make up for the things we did."

“I'm just a girl. Not a threat.”

"You'd just after her."

"You have no idea what loss is."

"If you lie to me one more time, I'm gone."

"I'm sorry for getting older faster than you."

"Our luck had to run out sooner or later."

"I had a sixty-foot yacht."

"We're not murderers. We just survive."

"I guess you can't outrun your past"

"You mattered to me first."

"Okay, one more. What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and a mad cow? An animal that's in a baaaa-ad mooooo-ood."

"Well, maybe in all that research they turned into fucking monkeys."

"Once upon a time, I had somebody that I cared about. It was a partner. Somebody I had to look after. And in this world, that sort of shit's good for one thing: Gettin' ya killed."

"Bomb this city and everyone in it."

"Why are these pages stuck together?"

"It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery."

"I got you."

"No, fuck you! You handcuffed me!"

"I dreamt about flying the other night."

"I've lost something. I'm failing in my sleep."

"I think they should be terrified of you."

"All the promises at sundown. I meant them like the rest."

"Think I'd let you do this on your own?"

"And just so we’re clear about back there, it was either him or me "

"Lets wait it out. You know we....we can be all poetic and lose our minds together."

"So... why don't you fix one these cars?"

"People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow... Too soon."

“Maybe you should have.”

“You took that from me.”

"What is the downside to eating a clock?"

"Holy moly. I guess this is what these buildings look like up close. They're so damn tall! So, what happened here?"

"You think I can still handle things, but I'm not who I was."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason."

"Why don't you say whatever speech you have rehearsed and get this over with."

"Just one peaceful night; a clean conscience…all gone…"

"Drugs. I see hardcore drugs."

"Let's see, scorpions are pretty creepy. Ummm, being by myself. I'm scared of ending up alone. What about you?"

"I don't want to be a burden."

"I don't want to lose you."

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, you idiot!"

"I'll make her pay."

"I'm gonna find... and I'm gonna kill... every last one of them."

"My friends' problem are my problems."

“It's called a hatosaur.”

"I got one for you. What's the quietest animal on a farm? A Shhhhhh-eeep. When you're older, you're going to have a deep appreciation for these jokes."

"Save who you can."

"I worry. Just... let me see her. Please."

"Whoa! How the - how the hell would you even walk around with that thing?"

"Arby's didn't give free lunches."

"You're such an asshole!"

"You're lucky you're still drawing breath! That was plan A, B, all the way to fucking Z!"

"I don't think I can ever forgive you for that."

"You don't think he got what he deserved?"

"Well, you're a burden now, aren't you?"

"We lose"

“’80s means trouble. Code broken.”

"Yeah, well try not to let your guard down."

"After all we've been through. Everything that I've done. It can't be for nothing."

"That ain't the hard part."

"We did those things. And they weren't things. We murdered people."

"What you say goes."

"We've got a family now. She doesn't get to be more important than that."

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook

𝓣𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓒𝓪𝓻𝓮 : Unsaid Rules

There's forbidden words in the hospital that you're simply not allowed to say. But some people just can't keep their mouths shut, it seems like.

Tags/Warnings: Hospital/Medical AU, Doctor!Jungkook, slightly aged up!Jungkook, Doctor!Yoongi, Nurse!Jimin, Doctor!Namjoon, mentions of Doctor!Hoseok, Paramedic!Jin, blood, medical terms, hospital stuff come on this is a medical au, somewhat of an intro to everything really

Length: 3k words

A/N: Please do not come for my throat if some stuff doesn't make sense. I've tried hard, but I'm not a doctor, and so none of this should be taken too seriously. Treat it like a medical drama. Those ain't real either haha

-> Masterlist

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

"Alright!" Jungkook greets everyone in his department, walking around to find all computer screens dark. "What's going on here?" He asks, tapping at the keyboard- but nothing springs to life.

"Jimin jinxed the shift about half an hour ago." Namjoon, an emergency physician and also best friend of Jungkook's, sighs. "Said the 'Q-word', now all the computers down here and in pediatrics' crashed. They've sent someone out already though." He explains.

"Oh come on now-" Jungkook whines. "-three weeks leave and you come back and drop something like this? Go back to where you came from!" He jokingly curses at his friend, who just rolls his eyes.

"Don't you have to be in your own department, Doctor Jeon?" He asks playfully sarcastic, making his friend laugh, as he grabs his water bottle and some files, before he does just that.

Jungkook has been working in the hybrid care department for almost five whole years at this point. He's one of only a few specialists in the country- making his department pretty busy most of the time. But he doesn't mind it- he's studied his ass off for a reason, pursued this career because he truly wanted it. So in a way, he's proud to be the one many people trust in.

He greets fellow members of staff- some he knows, other's he's not too familiar with, before he finally enters the familiar hallways, starting his day.

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

When Jungkook was still in school, he didn't have any ambitions at all.

He's not the kind of doctor who always wanted to be one ever since he was a kid- in fact, quite the opposite. He remembers his mother always telling him how terrified he was as a child to have to go to a doctor, even if it was just for a regular check up, or flu shot. It scared him, the needles and strange people and noises- but by now, they've become normal, routing, comforting even in certain cases.

At the beginning, he wanted to be a pediatrician. Work with kids, cause that seemed to be the easiest for him back then. But then, things changed.

He changed.

Watching someone die in front of you can be life changing- sometimes just a moment, but other times for your entire future as well. He remembers the young cat hybrid playing with him, without a care in the world. They were both not even fifteen when the young boy suddenly fell, for no apparent reason, and never woke up. He'd seen him be worked on, watched from the sidelines, frozen in place. Could he have done something?

In hindsight, he knows there was really nothing he could've done to prevent things from happening. It wasn't his fault- but simply a problem in the system, back then.

Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome had been, and is still, not something entirely uncommon in human children, hybrids, and even more common in infant hybrids than anyone else. Untreated heart arrhythmia, combined with a change in blood pressure, rush of adrenaline, or even just sleep- things he now knows, but back then, had been absolute horror to him.

To imagine that the young boy simply died because people didn't check properly still hangs heavy on his mind.

It's why he chose to study them, instead of work at his father's restaurant. Chose to be different, make a change, even if it's just a drop in a bucket not even halfway filled. He's not going to simply shrug his shoulders when he can't find a reason for someone being sick. He's not going to be told that he simply didn't do his work properly.

He's one of the most active doctors around. Has inspired some others to be more on-patient as well. And it fills him with pride, knowing that he can influence the hospital staff in that way.

"Ah, there you are." A doctor with a grim expression calls out, grabbing his coat. "Was just looking for you. I've got the CT back for the otter hybrid in 210." He says, holding some papers out for him to check out. "It's not conclusive, but considering that she's never had it happen before, I'd agree with you on encephalitis, honestly. Temperature's been climbing steadily, and nurses said she's complaining of stomach pain too." He nods. "Though I want to see her personally together with you, if you've got time." The man asks, and Jungkook nods.

"Of course. You know I trust you most with things like this." He nods, walking to the room in question with his friend next to him.

Min Yoongi is his name, and most of the staff around here don't like him all that much.

Mostly because the neurologist barks demands and commands around like a testosterone filled wolf hybrid, and walks around as if someone had pissed bladder stones in his iced americano he drinks every hour of the day. Only the people who witness him talk to the hybrids and younger patients around know, that there's a lot more to the medical professional than he lets on.

And he's also great with the angry drunk people- because what he lacks in height, he makes up for in scary when he wants to.

"Hello there!" Jungkook chimes up at the young otter hybrid in question sitting on her bed, monitors beeping in rhythm as they approach her- her owner sitting close by. "Do you remember me?" Jungkook asks, while the nurse adjusts the drip of medication on the side. The hybrid shakes her head, before she looks around again- sometimes staring in interest at the other, shorter doctor next to Jungkook. "No? That's okay." He chuckles, walking closer with his friend and colleague in tow, who takes out a pen with a light on the other end. "My friend here is a bit quiet just like you are, but I heard you can call him Yoongi if you want." He chuckles, making the doctor roll his eyes at the common joke Jungkook tends to make.

"Just look at me for a moment, alright?" Yoongi questions, trying to grab the hybrid's attention. "I know he's handsome but I'm not too bad either, am I?" He jokes, making the other hybrid smile a bit shyly as she nods. It makes him smile as well, as he checks the pupil's reaction, satisfied with his results before he turns the light off, tucks the pen away in his front pocket. "Can you tell me what day we have?" He asks.

"…monday." The meek hybrid answers, looking at Jungkook with her big brown eyes. They remind him of his own, back when he was a kid.

"Monday, alright." Yoongi nods to himself. "Do you know where you are?" He questions further, owner scooting a bit closer as he watches everything with a nurturing gaze.

"Home?" The otter answers a little unsure, before something near the window grabs her attention. "Birds." She chimes up, and Yoongi chuckles a little.

"I know, there's a lot outside there, hm?" He nods, before he tabs her leg to gain her gaze back. "Can you tell me your name? You've not introduced yourself yet." He asks, hunching a bit over to make himself less of a threat. Though, it's clear that the hybrid patient has got no fear really.

"…Min?" she asks, pointing at his name embroidered into his coat. Yoongi nods.

"Hm, disoriented in time, place and person." He tells the nurse he's noticed come in behind him, voice a lot more authorative and deep as he talks to the staff. He knows the young student doesn't mind. He shouldn't, really. 'you're still too soft for the real deal', he'd told him only yesterday after the poor guy had been found crying outside the hospital after witnessing his first cardiac arrest. 'Don't take it home.' he'd patted his shoulder- a rare gesture of compassion, before he'd left the young student by himself.

They both excuse themselves for a moment, Yoongi scratching the back of his head before he puts his head in his pockets. "Blood test?" He asks, and Jungkook shrugs.

"Didn't get it back yet- the lab computers crashed, because Jimin said the Q-word this morning." He chuckles, crossing his arms. "But they should come in any minute, same as urine."

"I'd still like to take her for an EEG, just to make sure." Yoongi nods to himself, grabbing his little pager that starts to chime obnoxiously. "I'm wanted in majors right now, but I'll tell them to schedule it." The neurologist tells his coworker, already walking off- and Jungkook nods, shouts a thank-you after him, before he enters the room again to give the owner the proper updates.

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A few days later, Jungkook is getting ready for his twelve-hour shift at the emergency department, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt when he hears the familiar shuffling of his best friend's slides on the smooth hospital floor coming closer.

"Alright park-" Yoongi walks in, making the nurse in question snap his head around at the sound of his voice. "-you're stuck with me for the next 12 hours, and if I hear you drop that Q-word one fucking time I swear to god I'll piss in your energy drink the moment you're not looking." He threatens, making Jungkook chuckle as he clips on his nametag, and checks for his ID card and other necessities he will need.

"It slipped out okay?!" Jimin whines, though everyone knows he did it on purpose.

Jimin is a senior nurse- and very good at his job. Even if everyone jokes around with him, he's still a person of authority, and even people like Min Yoongi respect him for his work a lot. He pulls a huge weight after all, working almost always in the emergency department by choice, a very compassionate person with deep care for every patient that comes in.

"Alright, I'll go try and get myself some coffee-" Jungkook starts, when suddenly, a voice rings out.

"Adult male hybrid trauma in 10, Adult male hybrid trauma in 10."- and everyone looks at the doctor with sympathy, Yoongi patting his back as he walks by.

"Seems like your caffeine has to wait, kid." He jokes, as Jungkook throws his head back. The moment of rare playfulness with the man lasts for a moment, before he turns around to write something down. "I don't know if you've all forgotten that ten stands for ten minutes and you've wasted two of them already, but if you don't want me to remove all chairs here again-" He threatens, finishing his writing, "-I better see you all on your feet before the time left hits 7." The doctor scolds, forcing everyone to scramble and get everything in order and ready for the arrival of the call.

Everyone's now getting ready when the door opens, paramedics entering with the patient, rolling the young man into the spot the medical staff want him- or rather, where Namjoon, the leading emergency doctor, had said he will want him. He'd just started his shift as well, having only really had time to wash his hands and get a bit of info on what's to come, as he now get's filled in by the paramedic.

"So his name is Hajoon, 22 year old canine hybrid, owner has called after he's been hit by a bus." The man offers, while everyone else starts assessing him. "No visible head injuries, no disorientation whatsoever, was conscious at scene but has drifted off a little from the medication we've given." Yoongi stands by closely, listening to everything with a serious face. "Definite pelvis fracture and broken humerus, full sensation and ability to move the lower arm, hand and fingers so no apparent nerve injury." The man with the name tag 'Kim Seokjin' reads all the medication given from his clipboard, filling everyone in on what's happened until now. "He's usually a very active and healthy guy, no underlining health issues whatsoever, vaccines are all up to date, and owner is on it's way as we speak." He finishes, and Namjoon nods, having soaked up all the information flowing around while everyone else does what they can.

"Alright let's send him out for CT right away to check for any internal injuries and to catch a good look at the fractures, and I want a Hybrid Special's to look at him right after. Until then we'll lower down the medications to get him conscious again, We can switch to something else regarding the pain later but I want him up and alert, the faster the better." Namjoon calls out, and everyone moves to do what's been told.

Jungkook is watching from the sidelines for now, waiting for the first scuffle to clear up as the young man is being cared for.

"Haven't seen each other in a while." Seokjin says from the side with a soft smile, washing his hands after he'd given his notes to the younger doctor. "Hope your break has been good."

"Yeah well, you know me." Jungkook offers kindly, looking through the patient's records. "Can't really keep still for long. Was he actually fully conscious when you guys got to him?" The young doctor wonders, and Seokjin nods.

"Was pretty surprised. He was folded like a pretzel, obviously complaining, but entirely alert." He shakes his head. "It's surprising what they can endure, really." He chats, before he gets ready to leave again, saying goodbyes.

Jungkook knows that he'll see him again sooner than he'd like to, probably.

"Doctor Jeon?" Jimin chimes playfully after a while of calm in the emergency room, and Jungkook looks up from the clipboard, already used to the older one's antics. "Namjoon wants you to check out the CT upstairs." He informs him, and Jungkook nods, making his way to the proper department, greeting some staff on his way before he enters the room.

"Ah, Jungkook. Here, you might wanna see this." He says, letting the young doctor walk closer to check out the scan images.

Jungkook can't help but shake his head. "Well that's gonna be fun to put back together." Jungkook snorts to himself. "Hoseok's gonna have the time of his life pulling that one off."

"Well he always brags how good he is-" Namjoon shrugs, crossing his arms. "So he'll have more to show off if he gets that boy up and running again." He jokes, before they pull him back out and into the hallway. It's on the way back when the young man starts to move, eyeing his surroundings as he becomes conscious again. "Oh- hello there, please stay like this okay? You're fine." Namjoon immediately reassures. "My name is Doctor Kim I'm a doctor at Seoul Central Hospital, do you know what happened to you? He asks, and the young man nods, groaning a bit in pain.

"Let's give him some pain relief but please don't knock him out again okay?" Namjoon suggests, while Jungkook looks over the young man, instantly in work-mode as he looks out for any potential signs that his situation could slip to the worse. "Jungkook can you ask someone to fetch Hoseok for me please? I want him to schedule surgery asap." He says, and Jungkook nods, already off to find a nurse.

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

Jungkook can sometimes be seen as scarier looking than he is.

He's got a pretty muscular body, tattoos he knows the hospital only tolerates because he's the only specialist they got their hands on, and piercings as well. He also tends to not wear his doctor's coat all that much- rather dressed in casual-formal wear, sleeves rolled up and nametag stuck to his front shirt pocket. Not to be a rebel- but because it makes people feel a bit more at ease with him, especially the hybrids who tend to be easily frightened and withdrawn in hospitals.

"Hey, before I go-" Jungkook says, walking past Jimin who's also ready to end his shift. "-do you know what happened to the canine hybrid from this morning? Hajoon, wasn't it?" He asks, and Jimin lights up, nodding.

"Was confused for quite a while, but after Yoongi had worked his magic with him, he finally responded to everything." He chuckles. With 'working his magic', he's talking about Yoongi's rather.. commanding tone of voice, something he does often when he notices a patient being capable of responding, but simply too 'lazy' to do so. It can come off as a bit harsh sometimes, but he means well- and after his words had found listening ears, it had reassured everyone including the rather distressed elderly owner in her chair at the side. "Here, let me pull up…" Jimin says, typing some things on the computer, before he pulls up some x-ray images. "Look at that!" He laughs, and Jungkook shakes his head in disbelief.

"And he's gonna be all good?" He asks, Jimin nodding in response.

"Hoseok said he's probably going to walk again just fine in a few months. And he'll have a pretty interesting story to tell every time he gets screened at the airport from now on." The nurse jokes, making Jungkook laugh. "Oh, and I heard Yunhee was discharged today, wasn't she?" He asks about the otter hybrid who had, indeed, caught encephalitis- an infection affecting the brain.

"Yeah- pretty much demanded I'd get Yoongi though so she could give him a goodbye-hug." He chuckles, and Jimin puts his hand to his heart.

"I wish he would give me a hug too!" He complains, and both laugh, very much aware that that will probably never happen at all with the rather stoic and withdrawn neurologist. And with the reassurance that today, he's been able to help save a life yet again, Jungkook walks into the staff room; takes off his nametag, puts on his jacket, his shoes-

waving everyone goodbye, after an exhausting twelve hour shift.

Just to do it all over again the next week rolls around.

[invisibleraven]

"I would love to spoil you, can I do this for you?"

sweet tarts

Carrie would probably be the first to admit that she was a little spoiled. Her dad bought her almost anything she wanted, and she had a healthy allowance to purchase everything else. Of course, deep down Carrie knew her dad spoiled her as some sort of apology or penance for never being around, and she would much rather have quality time with him than more stuff, but she had given up asking years ago.

Carrie wasn't stingy with her wealth, nor did she flash it around. She liked helping her friends and spoiling them as well-wondering if some of her father had rubbed off on her, using gifts to convey emotions instead of words.

That is, until she started dating Reggie.

Reggie would outright tell you he was poor-and he wasn't ashamed of it. He earned every penny to his name, and absolutely refused handouts.

"But why?" Carrie had asked him, even after offering to pay for things over and over again.

"Half the reason my folks are in the black are because of bad loans," Reggie said. "We've had letters, phone calls, even one scary looking guy come to the door to collect-I never want to live like that ever again."

"Reggie I don't care if you ever pay me back, I have enough money to give away!" Carrie argued.

"And I love your generous spirit," Reggie replied. "But I don't want people to think I'm with you for your money. I'm not some gold digger, and I never want anyone thinking you're like...my sugar mamma or something."

"Okay, you are never allowed to use that phrase again," Carrie said, wrinkling her nose. But she let it go, kind of loving how independent Reggie was, and she truly didn't care if their dates were cheap, because they were always fun.

However, soon word came down that Reggie's favourite band was going to be playing in the coming months-and Carrie knew how much he would want to go. But the ticket price, even for the general admission was high, and after having to make some emergency repairs on his truck, Reggie was already living lean.

"There'll be other concerts," Reggie assured her.

"But...Reggie I want to buy these, I know you'll regret it if you don't go."

"Carrie..."

"I would love to spoil you, can I do this for you?" she pleaded, giving him her best approximation of his puppy dog face. "It can be your birthday-Channukah-anniversary-Valentine's gift."

Reggie had to laugh at that. "You're not gonna let this go are you?"

"You know how stubborn I am."

"I do, and it's one of the things I love about you," Reggie replied. "I just...I don't want to feel like I owe you anything."

She took his face in her hands then. "Reggie, before you, I was so lonely. You have no idea how much love and life you have given me. How happy you make me. Sure, I've got nice things and money in the bank but I've never had anyone love me like you do."

Reggie softened at that. He knew Trevor was more absent than not, and while Reggie's folks were not the best, he did have a family in his friends, in the Molinas who had taken him in when things got really bad at home. Carrie had her Candis, sure, but aside from Kayla, he didn't think she was especially close to any of them.

"I can't promise you a lot," he confessed. "I'm never going to have a lot of money to my name, but I can promise you love, as much as you want of it."

"I'll take it," she replied, pulling him in for a kiss. "Now can I please spoil you, just this once and get you these tickets?"

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiine," he sighed, but he was smiling as he said it. "Just this once though, we're not making this a habit."

"Of course not," Carrie replied, pulling out her phone. "But since this is a one time deal, I am totally getting us the VIP package."

"Wait, Carrie..." he said, watching as she giggled and ran off. Sighing before deciding he could let her spoil him-just this once. But he was still going to chase her and pretend to protest-just for the fun of it.

With that he ran after her, loving her shrike as he caught her, spinning them around before grounding themselves-and talking Carrie out of spending half her bank account on Meet and Greet packages.

"Wait, why are you buying two?" he asked.

"Well we're going together aren't we?"

"But-you don't even like them."

It was true, this band wasn't her favourite, but she would do anything for Reggie. "Well I'm not letting you go alone."

Reggie had to kiss her then. "You really do spoil me."

Carrie grinned, returning the kiss, and wondering if she could keep doing so for forever, because it would never be enough to repay everything he had given her. And maybe, if he'd let her pay for them to get matching shirts. Because if they were going to this thing, they were going to look good.

[crescencestudio]

Devlog #35 | 09.26.23

Hi everyone!

Hope the beginning of Fall has been kind to you all <3 To be Frank, it has not been Kind to me LMFAO. But I'll get into that, so let's dive in yippee!

Before I do, someone liked this post recently, which was such a throwback. It was before the full demo was out and everything!! I was so young and full of life. I'm going to sprinkle some comparison shots of the new assets with the old ones to break up the text and also walk down memory lane with me! (Full GUI not shown as I'm still waiting on the assets)

Chapter Cards (Left: After | Right: Before)

The "Progress"

I'm going to structure this devlog a little differently from the usual template. The main reason being, for those of you who didn't see, I have not been feeling Myself recently.

This month I found myself all out of sorts. While I felt like I was making progress and doing so much everyday read: fighting for my life, when I looked back on things at the end of this month, I didn't feel like I really did much.

On a higher level, I finished fulfilling Kickstarter physical rewards, opened a Kofi shop of the remaining merch, edited Druk's route and continued writing Etza's route, updated assets and code for the updated demo, and then general commission stuff (BGs from Vui, soundtracks from Peter, etc.).

But overall, Alaris felt largely like it was kinda sitting at around the same spot as it did when I entered this month. Which made me a little sad! I had wanted to make So Much Progress on Alaris because next month I won't be able to work on it really. Then, I realized I haven't taken a break from game development since I started it two years ago HA!!!

The Real Progress

Development for me has been back-to-back. Chapter releases every 1-2 months during my first half year of development, Full Demo release shortly after, Kickstarter shortly after, Full Game Development shortly after. When I was feeling burnt out from Alaris, I made intertwine. Then I was Heavily Involved in the development of two games shortly after.

All of this on top of my IRL responsibilities, which include a job, PhD school, and well, functioning as a normal human occasionally.

And then here we are at the end of September 2023, and I'm wondering why even though I creatively want to work on Alaris, I find my brain literally just getting too tired to think.

Etza CG (Left: After | Right: Before)

I think ever since the Kickstarter, I've put a lot of pressure on myself to consistently put out LOTS of updates for each monthly devlog. I don't want people to think I'm not working on things or I'm not committed to delivering after giving me their hard earned money. But now, with two years under my belt, I'm realizing that is... HMM maybe too high of a standard to put on myself for my first game ever. There are many much more seasoned developers than me who don't put that pressure on themselves (which is Good and Healthy).

So this month, I debated scrounging around and gathering all my crumbs to give you all a devlog that you'll be satisfied with. But I decided ultimately that wouldn't be good for me and would honestly not be the most transparent way to present the current process of things.

And so. Here I am. Head in my Hands. Letting you all know that while I'm not "burnt out," I am.... only human LOL (one human at that). And so some months, like this one, will just not have much progress to report. Not because I'm not working on it or any other deeper reason. But because it's physically impossible and unreasonable for me to be continuously pushing out a steady stream of content.

In-Game Sprites & BGs (Left: After | Right: Before)

Next month, I'lll be taking a vacation. It's actually my first Big, Official one in a Long Time! I'm very excited for it. And while I did initially think about working on Alaris while I was traveling on trains or things like that, I decided to respect my own need to be a Human and just take a break for once in my life. I don't even want to say I Might work on things, because that sentiment alone will pressure me to make some progress. So yes. Next month, there will be no devlog or updates. But please rest assured, I am "working on Alaris" by letting myself just Exist and Rest Up!

Not an Alaris screenshot but it is market research that deserves to be included because I played House in Fata Morgana recently and it was Phenomenal!

Thank you all for understanding and your continued support. I'm extremely appreciative to have such a kind and patient community. Hope you all have a wonderful October filled with Fall Treats, and I'll see you in November! <3

[courtingchaos]

Rent the Space Inside My Mind

1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Female!Reader

Summary: Man, remember that picture you found? I wonder how you two decide to deal with that little hiccup...

A/N: I've finally come to the realization that this little fic is a labor of love for me. It's my baby so it isn't ever really going to have a real updating schedule. All of that to say, thank you for sticking around and reading you guys! Not a spoiler but just so you know, the end kind of reads like An End, but I have a lot more planned for theses two. This is just like, and end to the pining.

Also, I know others are reading this, but I'm giving a whole shoutout to @fracturedarkness who has been the best cheerleader for me with this story from essentially day one. Literally a ray of sunshine 😘😘😘

(If y'all want a soundtrack at all, just listen to Hozier's Wasteland! Baby. Seriously it's basically all I listened to.)

Warnings: SMUT! There's smut! Halleluiah! 18+ NSFW Minors GTFO

In sixth grade Eddie had caught mono. It was the first serious illness that Wayne had to deal with since taking guardianship four years earlier. Eddie had moaned around the trailer for two weeks, unable to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. He’d been exhausted and couldn’t swallow right. The fever he’d get at night made him nauseous those first few days and that’s the only thing he can compare this sick twist in his gut to. 

Between the picture clutched in your fingers and the intense look on your face, Eddie thinks he might just turn inside out. 

“Ed?”

It sounds like an accusation in his ears. You’ve found him out, evidence catching the light where it waves around between the two of you. Forget trying to tell you his feelings, he’s got a date with  buckshot later. 

He takes it back actually, this feels the same as the day you accidentally met his dad. The sudden visit on a rare stint between prison stays. The lead weight of fear and sadness and pure fucking rage making him go cold and numb.

Eddie is so tired of shit going wrong in his life. 

“Eddie?” How do you sound so soft when he has clearly screwed up so bad?

Also, he went for one shower after making a stupid mess and you decided to what, go through his shit?

Don’t start 

There’s a black mood he gets in sometimes. It creeps up his insides, stains him dark. It makes him mean and he doesn’t want to be mean, not to you. Not to anyone really. 

He knows on a deeper level this is his fault, it was only a matter of time before you found the picture. Tucked in books and forgotten in his sheets he’s honestly surprised it’s taken this long.  

“Eddie!” The sharpness of his name jerks his head out of the haze he’s in. Sees your eyes clearly and you’re not mad, in fact he thinks that might be a smile hidden under all the confusion. 

“Where did you get this?” Even and calm. Could you lend him some of that? His throat clicks when he tries to swallow. 

“I think uh, I think I took it. On ha-Halloween. Last year.” He doesn’t recognize his own voice, the deep scratch of it. “We were drunk at Hagan’s. I don’t know wh-“

“You took this?” Another wiggle of the polaroid. Your grip on the box of weed is still white knuckled. Okay, maybe that wasn’t a smile. He can’t really tell anymore, the panic settling in firing off all his alarm bells. 

“You weren’t supposed to find it.” He’s so quiet, hasn’t been quiet like this in a long time. Wasn’t even this quiet sneaking into bedrooms. 

You take a step forward and he launches back. Head hits the door frame and if god is real he would let the paneling swallow him whole right now. 

“Why do you have this? Why all the-” you gesture behind you, “why all my shit? You told me you hadn’t seen my Theo figure anywhere and she’s in the drawer with all my shit!” Your voice gets tight, face scrunching up in complete confusion. “I thought I was loosing my stuff but you’re just stealing all of it! My zippo! Eddie what the fuck?!” No, right, there’s the anger. He’s pressed so firmly against the door jam it’s guaranteed to leave marks for a week. You take another step forward and he has nowhere to go, pinned under your scrutiny and words and the waving hand holding his shame. But where your voice was rising in anger, it drops suddenly, slides into something softer. “Why do you have this?”

Yeah Eddie, why do you have it?

It’s a total accumulation of, let’s be real, two years of unrepentant pining. Two years of being a dick and going after easy girls because you were off limits in his own doctrine. Too good a friend to ruin the relationship, and too good a person to ruin with himself. It’s nights spent at the bookstore waiting for you to get off, watching with a burning in his gut as the dipshit college guy you work with tries to edge his way into a date. Blunts and cigarettes shared like kisses between lips he isn’t allowed to taste otherwise. It’s the grappling like two idiots fighting, breathless giggles and rough shoves that end in headlock hugs and usually him tapping out first, unable to stand being in your embrace if it isn’t for keeps. 

“I…” the space in his room is somehow bigger than it’s ever been, leaving him adrift in the chaos of his things and your things and the too thin air that you’re somehow breathing in just fine. There’s a stutter in his chest where he’s not catching his breath, the familiar heat behind his eyes where the tears are trying to rush forward. “It’s just-fuck! It’s such a creep…move I know and I just didn’t want to l-let it go because it was a good night and-and a good picture and your hand…” he’d dropped his eyes to stare at your feet, unable to say his half-assed explanation to your face. “Your hand. On my leg.” Just a whisper. Swings his hand limply toward you. “I just, it was a nice thought.”  His throat is tight and he’s afraid if you keep looking at him he might cry. 

He’s watched you take enough steps forward so you’re practically toe to toe with him. In his peripheral he watches you toss the box behind you onto the bed, your other clutching the evidence lightly taps against his chest and rests there. 

He looks up through his lashes and his hair, keeping his sight obscured like it’ll protect him from whatever you’re about to say. 

“I can’t believe-“ you cut off with a laugh and a shake of your head, that small smile he thought he saw turning back up. “I feel so fucking stupid.”

Eddie’s stomach has disappeared along with the rest of his insides. There’s never been a real foundation of proof for him, just stolen glances he’s caught you in. That lingering look you’d give him, the way you’d hang onto him longer during a hug sometimes. Mostly just blind hope and his own low simmering ego to egg him on. 

“Do you want to know what I did this morning?” He nods, he really does want to know. There’s the smallest drip of warmth trickling down his back with your words. 

“I woke up and I thought about you. First thought of the day.” A deep breath and he can see the pink blooming up out of the collar of his shirt you’re wearing. “I thought about you and I felt so stupid after, for sitting in the dark and pretending that you’d ever-“ You stop yourself again and drop your eyes to stare at your hand on his chest. 

“You thought about me?” He asks and you nod slowly. He’s got an idea about what that might mean. “Do you maybe also have a secret polaroid?”

A break in the tension and you take a step back, laughing. A real one he knows, warm and happy. The photo hits him in the chest where your hand just was, where you’ve just flicked it at him. “How long Eddie?” 

“What?” He grabs for the photo but it flutters to the ground. 

“How long have you liked me?” Your wide eyes and breathless question challenge him. When he doesn’t respond fast enough for you, you reach out and push his bangs away from his face, smoothing them back. His wispy armor is gone and with it, surprisingly, some of his fear. Your eyes are clear and waiting, smile still pulling at your lips. 

“I don’t, I don’t have like, a date. Like, a-awhile.” Eddie stutters like he’s never spoken these words before. Nerves replacing fear when it starts to finally dawn on him: this isn’t going to end in flames.

The hand at his forehead slides down and rests on his cheek. He hasn’t taken a full breath in since you pushed his hair back, never mind now that your cradling his face, but the fear has been slowly melting off his shoulders while you’ve been staring at him and when your eyes trail down his face, it and the sudden nerves all just disappear. 

He feels your fingers flex along his jaw and he finally takes that breath. 

“I’m not reading this wrong am I?” Barely a whisper but he hears you. Shakes his head and opens his mouth to talk but you cut him off, just as quiet, “I don’t want us to make a mistake.” 

“You think this’d be mistake?” The hurt leaks through without his meaning to. 

“God no, Eddie I-“

There’s a bloom of confidence he hasn’t felt before, something that twist up through his ribs and around his spine. “Good.” 

Reaching out for you feels natural. He’s reached out to you a hundred times before but he’s never slid his hands into your hair. Tucked them up behind your ears and pulled you in close, felt you gasp when he brushes his lips against yours. Your hands pull at his shirt where they’re both fisted in the thin material, keeping him close. When you push into him he feels your mouth open, tongue grazing along his bottom lip; white static across his thoughts. 

It’s 10pm on a Thursday night and your kissing him in his room. Wearing his t-shirt and pushing him against the wall while your kissing him. He feels one of your hands flatten against his chest and his heart rockets off and your still kissing him. There’s your tongue again begging entrance and he yields, feels that barbell slide across his own tongue and he’s done for. It’s better than he could ever fantasize. He wants more of it but you just aren’t close enough. He grips at your hair to pull you in, to try and deepen the kiss but there’s no where else to go. You mumble something against his lips but he just swallows the sound and slides a hand down your back till he can get his fingers up under the hem of the shirt, palm laid flat against the small of your back. 

“Eddie.” You sigh his name and he makes it a personal goal right then to get you to do it again. Your hands wander down his chest and he starts his own wandering down your neck, lips finding any open skin he can kiss. “Hold on, Eddie-“

“I’m not holding on for shit.” He says in between kisses. “I’ve been thinking about doing this for months.” Your laugh vibrates under his mouth and it makes his eyes roll. “Do you want me to stop?” He pauses under your ear, panting against you. 

“No.” You sigh and shake your head, leaning into his hand still in your hair. “No I don’t.” 

He spends a few more minutes pulling little sounds out of you that he’s filing away for later. Nipping at your skin when you run your hands under his shirt and push it up. 

“Can I?” The question isn’t even finished before he pulls the shirt over his head and throws it behind you on the dresser. “Oh!” A giggle when he lays his hands back on you, hands rucking up your own shirt where he can run his palms over your midriff. There’s no finesse to his kisses anymore, just laying them wherever he can, anything to make you giggle again. He moves his hands higher, pushing your shirt up so he can finally see your tits again. It’s been a whole ass year since your wore your dress and he’s dreamt about this every day since. He kisses the tops of them and is mesmerized by the way they bounce back under his touch. 

“Hello old friends.”

“Old friends?!” When you laugh they move with you and he has to force himself to look back up at you. 

“Yeah, you saw the picture. We’re well acquainted.” He buries his face down in your cleavage and you hear him take a deep breath. “How do you always smell so good?” He’s layering kisses again and you’re trying to move around until you can pull your own shirt off. “Hey don’t rush this, I have this perfectly planned.” 

“Oh, so you left the drawer open on purpose?”

“Absolutely, it’s been my months long plan.” He takes a step forward to force you back one. Eyebrows scrunched together he scoffs, “I almost let you catch me for a while and then it happens by mistakeand I act like it’s the biggest fuck up ever and now I’ve got you shirtless. Listen, I plan campaigns babe. You know I can write ten steps ahead.” He’s walking you backwards till your legs hit his bed, fingers holding onto your belt loops to keep you close. 

“Eddie?” You hook your fingers into the waistband of his flannel pants, pulling down till they shift off his hips. 

“What?” He’s distracted by your fingers sliding around his hips. 

“You’re so full of shit.” He laughs when steps out of his pants and sees you look down, an immediate tilt to your head. Your fingers still against his skin, skimming the elastic of his boxers but he knows you’re staring at the growing bulge. The clever remark he had ready dies in the back of his throat when he hears the quiet ‘hmm’, watches your tongue poke out to swipe across your lips.

“If you keep staring I’m gonna get self conscious.” One hand covers his mouth to muffle the end of his sentence while the other lightly rubs up against his dick through the thin cotton. Somehow he stays upright, mouth falling open under your hand to pant against your palm. 

“You got any other surprises for me Munson?”

Are you talking to him? He can’t get a braincell to function with the heat of your hand pressed against him, barely moving at all. The button on your jeans is about all he can fathom, getting them opened and remembering how a zipper works is next. Your breath bouncing off of his chest makes him shiver and kind of brings some of his brain back up and running. 

“I uh, I got a few tricks up my sleeve.” He tips you back till you sit and he follows close, making you lay down. You laugh when your back hits the bed and you keep laughing, body shaking as he works your jeans down your legs. 

“What’s so funny, giggles?”

“I’m just…this is the first time I’ve had sex in a bed.”

Eddie stops moving and looks up at you from your feet. “I’m sorry, what?” He hopes he’s just hearing wrong, on account of his brain short circuiting a moment ago.  

“Yeah, it’s just always been in the back of cars.” You say it so flippantly, like it’s just a thing that happened to you. “I mean, It’s whatever. I just realized no one’s ever pushed me back on a bed before.” Your grin is hazy when you look down your body at him but he’s stone sober now. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to any of those assholes and he knows it. You’re the best thing to happen to him, and somehow you’ve gone this long with shitty car hookups. 

“No.” He shakes his head and pulls your jeans off fully. Slides your socks off and tosses them in the pile of your clothes. “You’re lying, please tell me your lying.” 

“I’m not! There’s so much more room!” You wave your arms next to you like you’re making a snow angle in his sheets. You sit up quick, bracing yourself on one hand to reach behind yourself to undo your bra when he stops you. 

“You don’t have to do that, I can help.” He’s crowded up against your legs where you’ve dropped them both sideways. 

“I know that, I was just making it easier.” His face must drop because you huff at him. “Look, I’m not stupid Eddie. I just, haven’t had the best track record I guess. I just assumed-“

“That I was gonna be like the other guys.”

You shrug. “Yeah, Hawkin’s finest. You know.” 

That’s a little bit of a blow, he won’t lie, but watching you slam up your walls when they’ve been nonexistent all night makes him switch tactics. 

“You deserve better than that.” He swings his legs to the side so he can lean over you, one arm braced against your hip, the other tilting your chin to look at him. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen you pout before, your bottom lip sticking out pink and wet and he wants to bite it. “I’m serious.” He leans in close, lips brushing yours. “Can I be nice to you?” He whispers against you and your face flushes immediately, eyes darting down to stare at the bed. He can’t stop the grin spreading across his face, delighted with how flustered you get. 

“I-you’re always nice.” You mumble, chin fighting to get away from his hand holding you still. 

“I can be nicer.” He closes the small gap and kisses you again, still holding your chin. He can feel your breathing speed up when it ghosts over his cheek where you’re nose is pressed. When he’s certain you won’t pull away he moves his hand to your back, unhooking the clasps one by one. Eddie pulls back to look at you properly, fingers lightly pulling the straps down your arms. “Can I?”

“You don’t have to ask.” You say, still nodding your head at him anyways. 

“It’s good manners.” He says simply, wiggling your bra off of you, tossing it to join the growing pile. You’ve shifted back to your elbows, further away from him but giving him a better view. None of his fantasies are measuring up to real life. Just watching the way your tits lay when you shift has him practically drooling. He runs a fingertip from between them and down to your navel, marveling at the softness of your skin. Runs that same fingertip over to a hip and you jump just a little. “Ticklish?”

“Maybe.” Your voice is wobbly, chest rising and falling faster. He lays his palm flat against your stomach and runs it up your side, thumb brushing the underside of your breast and you sigh, letting your head fall back between your shoulders. 

“You are so fucking pretty.” Eddie means it. Even before all the crushing and jealously he could see it. With your head back he can watch the blush creep down your chest and he marvels at that too. 

“Eddie you can’t just say shit like that.” You sound strained from the angle your at. He runs his thumb under the swell of your breast again just to watch you shudder. 

“What, that your pretty?” He leans down to place a kiss on your chest, can feel your heartbeat tick up faster. He’s only got so much restraint before he grabs you up into his lap but he’s trying hard to be a gentleman about it. You deserve that much for your first time. Well, not overall but with him? Eddie’s determined to make you forget about every other guy who’s even looked at you. 

“Look at me.” He’s dropping kisses along your collarbone trying to get you to lift your head up. His hands have been itching to grab your tits but he wants you to stop being shy for a minute. “Please.” He’s trying to kiss up your neck when you finally lift your head. “Can you scoot up for me?” He asks and you oblige. As soon as your head hits his pillow he’s leaned back, pulling your knees back up so he wedge himself between them. He grabs your hand and pulls it up to kiss your open palm and you close your fingers around his cheeks, making him laugh. 

“Will you stop being cute and just touch me?” 

“How?” He kisses down your wrist, watching you get more flustered. 

“I don’t know, whatever you normally do?”

“No, that was with them, they don’t matter anymore.” He makes it to the crook of your elbow before he lets go and crawls over the top of you, getting in your face to stare you down. “What’d you think about this morning, hm?” He’s keeping track of all the little whimpers your making, the way you bite your lip when he makes you nervous. You won’t meet his eye so he follows your line of sight and you huff at him. 

“Stuff, Eddie. Oh my god.” You cover your face with your hands and he thinks he can feel the heat radiating off of you. It’s driving him crazy in the best way, he doesn’t think he’s ever had this effect on anyone before. 

“Aw c’mon. Tell me.” He kisses each finger before moving down to your knuckles and honestly, he just can’t help himself anymore when he brings a hand up to knead at your tits, a quick pinch of a hardened nipple and you gasp into your hands. “Was it this?” He pinches again and you wiggle under him, hips jumping up against him and he drops his head. You’re hot everywhere, and the core of you pressed up against him through his boxers is going to do him in if he’s not careful. “If you don’t tell me I’m gonna have to guess and this could be a long night.” He rolls his hips into you to try to get his point across and to try to get some relief. 

“Is that such a bad thing?” You ask, pulling your hands down to just cover your mouth. Your eyes are wide and glassy, pupils big and dark. 

“No, but I want to know what I do in these dreams of yours.” He moves back to your neck to make a path to your chest where he laps at your nipple. “Something like this?” He asks before wrapping his lips around and sucking, tongue flicking over sensitive skin. You arch your chest up and there’s a laugh caught in your moan. He moves over to your other side, nipping at you before mouthing at your other nipple, hand teasing at your hip. He snaps your underwear against you and you let out a quiet ‘ow’ and try to swat at his hand. “Or was I somewhere else?” His fingertips graze under the band and inch down. Your knees pull up tight around him and he’s so close to saying fuck it to his own game. 

“You were-fuck Eddie, you were going down on me.” You get so quiet, the one hand still on your mouth muffling your voice. 

“Oh?” He lets your nipple go with a wet sound, big grin already set in place. 

“If your gonna make fun of me…”

“Absolutely not.” 

You watch him over your hand place a scattering of kisses down till he hits your underwear, giving you one last questioning look before he hooks his fingers in and pulls them down. You’re also starting to feel a little self conscious when you realize he hasn’t taken his eyes off you. 

Payback

“Ed.” He just runs his hands up your legs, big palms warm against your thighs. He pulls your knees out a little further before leaning down and re-situating himself between your thighs, leaving open mouthed kisses along the inside. You’re torn between wanting to watch him and wanting to cover your face in embarrassment when he makes the decision for you, pulling at your elbow to drag your hand down to his head. He’s got that lazy smirk on his face and you can feel his breath skipping across too sensitive skin. 

“Give you something to hold on to.” You want to laugh but he’s too quick, fingers moving in to hold you open for him. Your head drops into the pillow when he licks a broad tongue from your center right up to your clit, your back arching up and Eddie’s laugh vibrates through you. 

“Oh fuck.”

“I haven’t even started yet.” You can hear the proud smirk in his voice and if you’d like to say something smart back you won’t, too focused on his mouth working you over. His tongue is soft, even when he points it, uses it to prod at your opening and you forget any remarks you might have had for him. 

“Eddie.” You pull at his hair when he wraps his lips around your clit and he groans. You’re stuck concentrating on his mouth until he slides one finger in and you choke on a gasp. He pulls his mouth away and lays his head against your leg, watching you from under his wet hair. 

“Is this what you thought about?” He can see you nod into the pillow, hand twisted next to your head in the fabric while he pumps his hand slowly. 

“It’s what I thought about.” He hooks his finger up, trying to find that soft spot to make you melt. “I think about it all the time.” The grip on your thigh is tight, keeping it close against his cheek. “Ever since you told me about those shitty dates.” 

“Seriously?” You lift your head, eyes half lidded and face scrunched up. 

“I should have nutted up and said something. They didn’t deserve you.” He pulls his finger out and you watch him suck it into his mouth, watch his eyes roll in his head. You groan and he adds his middle finger before he pulls his hand out, spit slick fingers running up over your clit, teasing you before he slides both back in. He leans in to run his tongue through your folds, watching you from under his lashes while you wriggle around and clutch at the pillow. The hand in his hair grips tighter and your legs squeeze up around his ears and he’s surrounded by you, the low chanting of his name keeping him planted in place. He finally finds that spot, feels you shudder under him before you moan, tilting your hips up to chase his touch. 

“Eddie Eddie Eddie fuck!” You keep rolling your hips against his face and he can’t help himself. He’s been pathetically rutting into the mattress listening to you whine and he can’t take it anymore. He taps under your thigh to get your attention, really gets it when he fully pulls away and you look down at him all concerned. “Why are you stopping?” 

“Good reason.” He stands up and pulls off his boxers, rooting around his nightstand for the condoms he knows are in there. He’s oblivious to you on the bed, sitting all the way up now and staring. Of course they’re not where he left them, instead tucked behind his lamp but he grabs one and climbs back on the bed before he realizes what he’s done. “Oh.” Eddie feels his face heat up when he looks down at himself. “I probably should have done that better.” He’s expecting you to laugh or sigh or say something witty but you just snatch the foil out of his hand and tear it open. You only pause for second before wrapping your hand around him and he’s positive this isn’t going to last as long as he’d hopped. When you roll the condom down he hisses and drops, head falling into your shoulder. 

“You okay champ?” 

He just nods and whines when you give him a few easy strokes, watching your hand move up and down his cock. You’re so much more gentle with him than he is with himself. Eyes half open and mouth hanging he’s sure he looks fucking stupid but he doesn’t care, doesn’t want you to stop touching him. When you scoot closer and pull his face up it takes him a moment to realize you’re kissing him, for him to react and do something. 

“C’mere.” He shakes out of his haze enough to move back between your knees, pulling your hips so your ass is flush against his thighs. He pulls your leg up to hook over his hip, placing a quick kiss on your knee before lining himself up.  He rubs the tip of cock against you, catching on your clit twice and making you whimper. 

“Please Ed.” He doesn’t need to be begged twice, grabs the base of his dick and sinks in slow. Sees your breath catch and your eyes roll, “Oh fuck it.” He bottoms out, can feel you clenching around him tight and hot and gasping and laughing and he looses all composure. Fingers dug into your leg wrapped around him he snaps his hips back and into you, punching out a sharp peal of laughter. He does it again, loves the way he can hear the choked off gasp in your throat. When he picks up his pace you grab at the sheets, twisting them up off his bed. 

“Fucking th-thank you-u!” It’s stuttered out between thrust, your face flushed and twisted up in a smile. 

“You know how many times I thought about this?” He has to talk, if he doesn’t talk he’s going to blow his load and he refuses to let your first time together end before a full minute passes. “Every time I looked at that picture I thought about it. I should have fucked you in that bathroom.” Your nails scratch at his thigh where they try to find purchase. “All the rides out to the lake oh fuck- I should have done this sooner, yeah?” He licks his thumb before bringing it down on your clit, running tight circles around it. Your back arches off the bed and he feels you clench around him. “Is that it? Right there-ohmygod.” It almost sounds like you’re crying his name just before you come, nails digging into his thigh when it crashes into you. He watches you tense up and then collapse against the bed, pliant under him where he starts to loose his rhythm. The heat that reached up fast burns up his spine while he watches you revel in your aftershocks, already trying to grab him down to you. The hazy look in your eyes and that grin you’re flashing him send him over the edge, burying himself with a deep groan, your name scattered between curses. He’s whited out until he can catch his breath, gripping your thigh until he can see straight. In the distant ringing in his ears he can hear your giggle under him, soft like the hands trying to pull him closer. 

“Hey.” Your eyes find his in his own haze, slowly coming back down to earth. “Come here.” Gentle tugs to get him to lay down but he shakes his head, asks for minute. He pulls out to get rid of the condom and disappears into the bathroom for minute, leaving you to roll around his bed. When he comes back he turns off his light. Sees that you’ve pulled the blankets up under your chin, one finger poking out to beckon him back in. “I’m cold.” 

Eddie would like to pinch himself just to make sure this is real. In all of his imaginings he never let himself have this part. The sex was easy to think about but this hurt too much to ever linger on. He finds his pants first before crawling back into bed, snaking a hand around your middle and pulling you into him. He wedges his nose up under your jaw and hums, leaving a few soft kisses in his wake. 

“Are you always this cuddly?” 

“I don’t normally get to cuddle.” You’re both quiet in the dark, hushed tones under the blankets. 

“Huh.” Your fingers tangle up in his hair, nails lightly scratching over his scalp. It sends a deep shiver down his spine and he has a split second where he feels like crying. “Their loss.” He feels the kiss you leave on his forehead and just buries his head further into your neck. You smell like you always do, sweet and deep and now a little like him. He drifts off without meaning to. 

It’s not daylight yet, but his room is lighter. There’s no alarm clock going off next to his head so he looks around, trying to find whatever it is that pulled him out of his warm cocoon. 

Bleary vision in the dark, he can barely make out your form jumping quietly into your jeans. He’s peering at you from under the covers, watching you get dressed. You stop mid jump to pick something up, staring at it before padding over to his dresser and tucking it into his mirror. He’s basically awake when you turn to open his door and he quietly asks you where you’re going. 

“Jesus fucking Christ you’re gonna give me a heart attack.” You clutch you chest and try to search through the dark for his eyes, finally see him when he pulls the sheets back a bit. 

“Seriously, where are you goin’?”

“It’s almost 5. I figured Wayne was gonna be home soon so I cleaned up the living room and like, I didn’t know if I should hang around?”

“You sleep over here all the time.” He slides a hand out from under the covers to make a grabby hand at you. “He won’t care.”

“Well I mean, I’m not usually naked in your bed dude.”

“Then leave your shirt on.” Eddie doesn’t understand what you’re not understanding. “I mean it, Wayne isn’t gonna care. If anything he’ll be happy I stopped bitching about you.”

“You bitch about me?”

“No, I bitched about not having you. There’s a difference. Now come here, I’m cold.” He lifts the blankets up quick, making a sweeping motion for you to get back in. “Plus, he won’t say anything unless you do. He likes you too much to embarrass you.” You’re out of your jeans again and crawling over him, trying to avoid kneeing him. 

“Aww, he likes me?”

“Well I like you too.” You’re barely settled before he’s wrapped around you, leg hitched over your thighs and pinning you down. “What’s that get me?” He’s nosing along your jaw again. 

“Depends what you’re looking for.” 

“Mm. Concert tickets to see Ozzy in Indy.”

“Oh that’s a big ask.”

“I see. How about a kiss?” He pulls back to smile lazily up at you. 

“I can do that.”

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