#but I'm only human. i don't work for a company. i don't get paid to blog or draw art

[burning-sol]

This is a silly question but I wanna ask.

This isn't a serious poll or anything I'm just curious. Nobody really gives feedback on this kind of thing, so it leaves you wondering if you end up leaving any impact on anyone. I'm always left wondering if my IDs are any good or if I'm writing enough IDs or if there's even anybody who follows me who is semi-reliant on it. So..

[burningembers91]

Freak of Nature - The Salesman x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: The Salesman can't get enough of you, he's drawn to you like a bee to honey. It's just a shame you don't know he's watching you.

A/N: I'm not 100% sure where I want this to go yet, and i've never written for a character like The Salesman before but Gong Yoo's unhinged performance has me hooked!

Warnings: 18+ only!, stalking, The Salesman needs his own warning

He’d always known he was fucked up; had always known he wasn’t “normal”. From a young age, his parents had thrown every penny available at psychologist after psychologist, desperate to find a cure for their little freak of nature. Nothing had worked though; nothing had been able to quell that constant desire deep within his soul.

He’d spent years being forced to subdue whatever demons he housed, fooling his parents into thinking the therapy was working. Nothing could save him though; nothing could rid him of the evil that had taken root. He enjoyed playing with people, relished in seeing how far he could take a person before they completely snapped. Human life was so fragile and fickle; why shouldn’t he be allowed to play with it? People so often wasted their lives; took what little time they had for granted. If anything, he was helping people. He was giving them a chance at a second opportunity for life. The games he played with people, the innocent, childhood games were all completely legal. He never made anyone do anything they didn’t want to, that was beauty of his job. Everyone always had a choice, he just made it hard for them to say no. People were greedy, hungry for fame and fortune. He gave those who sought riches beyond their wildest dreams a chance to make that dream a reality; it wasn’t his fault if they didn’t win the game.

This life he led was a lonely one though. Relationships had never been his forte. He’d always been too much for women, too intense. He had needs, desires that few could meet and those who could only stayed a short time. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of love. He knew he’d never loved his parents, had never loved any of the women he’d fucked. They were merely an object which he used to meet his own needs, all of them too vain and fickle for him. He enjoyed a challenge, wanted someone who could keep him on his toes. But how would he find someone like that when even he didn’t know how far he was wiling to go? How high did his freak flag fly? No one had ever stayed long enough for him to find out. He usually paid for the company of a woman, handing them wads of cash so he could feel a brief moment of ecstasy. He’d never felt anything for these women though; had never felt the burning desire that he felt when he was around you.

He'd watched you every day for three months now, sipping your latte in the same coffee bar, your laptop open as you marked your students work. You always sat in the same spot, right by the window with the view of the park opposite. He’d taken to sitting on a bench in that park, right opposite where you sat. He’d watched as your brow furrowed while you marked essays, he’d smile at the way your perfect pink tongue delicately flicked the frothy coffee foam from your top lip. You were perfect to him, so innocent and excruciatingly delicate. He’d followed you home a few times, keeping enough of a distance that you didn’t notice him in the crowds, but close enough that the floral scent of your perfume wrapped tightly around his senses like a hangman’s noose.

He knew you lived in a small studio apartment, number 235. Your bedroom looked out over a small restaurant, and he’d sit there some nights, watching the shadows of your form through your curtains. He’d never been this enamoured with a person before, never craved a person as much as he did you. He’d listened to you order your coffee a dozen times, your voice more beautiful than any songbird. He wanted to speak to you, but he didn’t want to shatter the perfect vision he’d created for himself. In his head, he broke you over and over again, but you enjoyed it. In his head, you were his, bending to his every will and demand. In his head, you were his perfect girl. But fantasy was always better than reality, and reality never lasted long. He wasn’t quite ready to show himself to you, choosing to lurk in the shadows as you remained blissfully unaware of him.

It was getting harder and harder to stay away from you though. Every day your very presence only fuelled his desires. One day soon he’d have to show himself to you. He just hoped you lived up to his expectations.

[sullina]

genuinely insane that diet culture poisoned people will insists that, if they don't diet, they'll just "eat cake all day" or some other type of sweet candy

because... that's not how it works

like, if you completely give up any sort of dieting and go for intuitive eating (meaning: listening to your own body and giving it what it craves), you're probably gonna be eating "unhealthy" at first, because you've been denying your body something it desperately needs.

For one person, that can be sweets.

For another, that can be fast food.

Just imagine literally anything that could potentially deemed "unhealthy" by diet culture, and someone is gonna crave just that once they start intuitive eating.

But back to my point No one is gonna be eating "only cake" if they don't make a conscious effort to monitor every little thing about their diet, because that's not how the human body (or any living body) works. It's your body's job to keep you alive and well. This includes your diet. Your body knows you can't live entirely off of cake. It's gonna crave salty things, too, not just sweet stuff. And by "salty", i mean, like, an actual meal.

And believe it or not, but vegetables? Can be fucking amazing. On the condition that you focus on making a meal that tastes good instead of being "healthy". Believe it or not, but you're gonna benefit more from a vegetable medley that tastes fucking amazing, than you're gonna get from the same vegetables but raw and unseasoned. I'm not kidding, how much you enjoy your food has a real and measurable effect on how many nutrients of said meal you end up absorbing.

Another benefit of intuitive eating I've personally found is that I'm much more willing to try new things, especially new vegetables. Like, I'm seirous, just listening to your body and trusting yourself to know what you need, like how every single living being, including humans, have been surviving for literal millions of years, is actually really good for you. Cutting out entire food groups, because some """health official""" being paid billions of dollars to say that it's unhealthy and what you REALLY need is their company's product, is NOT good for you. At all.

[itgirl-111]

THE BEST MONEY AFFIRMATIONS (aka facts)

(this is gonna be the only money Affirmations you'll never need lol)

I am rich

I am financially stable

I'm secure in my financial state

Money is safe

Money is good

Money is here to stay

I'm a money magnet

I have the perfect money mindset

I have the perfect self concept on money

I love money and money loves me

Money is the easiest thing to make

I have multiple sources of income

I am wealthy

I genuinely believe I deserve a lot of money

I deserve a luxurious, comfort, fun filled, lifestyle

I am worthy and deserving of having lots of money because I exist

I get money everyday

I get paid to exist

I am worth every cent I get

I get money quickly and easily

People always have enough money to give me

People bend over backwards to make sure I'm getting paid enough

Nobody goes to sleep unless and untill they make sure I'm getting paid enough

Everyday I just make more and more money

Me and the people i love are rich af

My bank account never stops getting fatter

I am so rich i make Elon Musk look poor

I am so rich my hands are starting to smell like money

I wake up every day and go to sleep stress free knowing that I don't have to worry about money in my life

I am living wealthy and abundant life

I keep finding money everywhere

No matter where I go money always keeps chasing me like a lost puppy

If I were to count the amount of times I got a huge amount of money out of blue, I wouldn't be able to count it cuz it's too much

My fingers are starting to hurt because of the amount of times I counted my stacks and stacks worth of billions of cash ugh 😫

I have so much money in my bank account that the value of pi π looks small

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 7 OUT OF 7 days I get money.

12 OUT OF 12 months I get money

there's not a single day that goes by without me getting money

Any amount of money i spend comes back to me tenfold

I walk into a shop knowing damn well I could buy the entire shop if I wanted to

I have so much money I can use it instead of a toilet paper (jk i don't do that)

I have so much money I can make origami out of it

I have so much money I'd buy the biggest companies and still remain rich as fuck like?

I am the definition of LOADED 💵

I am independent, successful, wealthy, rich, self sufficient, financially secure, debt free, stress free, yep I identify with those things.

My notifications are flooded with me receiving payments constantly

If anyone is a FATASS it is my wallet

Money is so desperate to stay in my life

Every where I go even to the damn toilet I still can never escape from lots of money😔

Money keeps flowing to me like a river

My bank account digits are the most groundbreaking, immense, tremendous, huge, back arching, toe curling, digits ever known to human kind😞

If i spent a whole day counting my stacks of cash, i wouldn't be able to cause that will take atleast a million years...oops...😳

Whether it's expected or unexpected, whether  I'm happy or sad, sleeping or awake, working or not, money comes to me all the time and In all the ways.

[necromancy-enthusiast]

I don't think I'll ever get over how Organization XIII was hyped up as this super nefarious villain group but then you get to their game 358/2 Days and they treat it like a job. A 9-5 soul crushing job. They have their daily menial tasks and then they go home and wash, rinse, repeat with little else occupying their lives. Even their hobbies and pastimes seem so limited, although you can arguably chalk that up to the game just not being interested in developing them like that (which is part of why the manga is great, because it has a tendency of developing them in ways the main writers aren't interested in). From the way they talk about it, they almost sound like they work at an office sometimes. A very bizarre, particularly backstabby office, but still. It's a soul crushing job AND a weird cult all at once and it's treated with this mundanity that's both hilarious in a way I didn't really get when it first came out and oddly humanizing.

I know for some dumb reason they didn't do a remake of Days and it's harder to access because of that, but if you can and it interests you enough to where you've wondered if it was worth playing, I really recommend playing it or watching a playthrough of the actual game instead of just the cutscenes. The story really is partly told through the mechanics and so much is lost when they just gave us the cutscenes pulled from the game in the compilations.

They really reinforce how bleak and mundane Roxas' life is most of the time, how bleak and mundane most of the members' lives are. How much control the Organization has over them. You don't just level up organically like in other kh games, you have to do this weird puzzle thing that limits your growth and abilities. They don't give you munny, they give you heart points that you can only use at the moogle shop in their castle, so they're literally paid in scrip. If you're unfamiliar with it, scrip is a currency you can only use in certain places instead of throughout a whole country or other type of political union like the eu, usually with the store at the company you work at. When you're on missions your path is blocked off, you can only go to certain areas that are directly related to your daily mission. It's suffocating and genius, especially since in most other series entries you get so much freedom comparatively.

With all that context it starts making some of their vices a bit more understandable. Can you really blame Demyx for not wanting to do his work when all he gets out of it is room and board, and the distant, vague promise of maybe someday getting a new heart? Especially since he's probably been with the Organization for years?

Can you really blame Marluxia and Larxene for wanting to mutiny when their boss is useless and all of their colleagues seem indifferent to it? I mean like. The murder isn't great. I'm still a bit sore about that. But I can definitely get behind the 'screw our boss' sentiment. I'm still very fond of my 'instead of going the cloak and dagger route Larxene and Marluxia somehow, possibly with the help of devil magic, manage to get everyone to cooperate so they can unionize and kick Xemnas out' au. An Organization XIII union au, if you will. Imagine Xemnas having to explain that to the other Xehanorts.

Master Xehanort: The people you gathered up for us to use as our vessels. Unionized?

Xemnas, the biggest loser in the entire series: :/

[mostlysignssomeportents]

One of America’s most corporate-crime-friendly bankruptcy judges forced to recuse himself

Today (Oct 16) I'm in Minneapolis, keynoting the 26th ACM Conference On Computer-Supported Cooperative Work and Social Computing. Thursday (Oct 19), I'm in Charleston, WV to give the 41st annual McCreight Lecture in the Humanities. Friday (Oct 20), I'm at Charleston's Taylor Books from 12h-14h.

"I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one." The now-famous quip from Robert Reich cuts to the bone of corporate personhood. Corporations are people with speech rights. They are heat-shields that absorb liability on behalf of their owners and managers.

But the membrane separating corporations from people is selectively permeable. A corporation is separate from its owners, who are not liable for its deeds – but it can also be "closely held," and so inseparable from those owners that their religious beliefs can excuse their companies from obeying laws they don't like:

https://clsbluesky.law.columbia.edu/2014/10/13/hobby-lobby-and-closely-held-corporations/

Corporations – not their owners – are liable for their misdeeds (that's the "limited liability" in "limited liablity corporation"). But owners of a murderous company can hold their victims' families hostage and secure bankruptcies for their companies that wipe out their owners' culpability – without any requirement for the owners to surrender their billions to the people they killed and maimed:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/11/justice-delayed/#justice-redeemed

Corporations are, in other words, a kind of Schroedinger's Cat for impunity: when it helps the ruling class, corporations are inseparable from their owners; when that would hinder the rich and powerful, corporations are wholly distinct entities. They exist in a state of convenient superposition that collapses only when a plutocrat opens the box and decides what is inside it. Heads they win, tails we lose.

Key to corporate impunity is the rigged bankruptcy system. "Debts that can't be paid, won't be paid," so every successful civilization has some system for discharging debt, or it risks collapse:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/09/bankruptcy-protects-fake-people-brutalizes-real-ones/

When you or I declare bankruptcy, we have to give up virtually everything and endure years (or a lifetime) of punitive retaliation based on our stained credit records, and even then, our student debts continue to haunt us, as do lawless scumbag debt-collectors:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/12/do-not-pay/#fair-debt-collection-practices-act

When a giant corporation declares bankruptcy, by contrast, it emerges shorn of its union pension obligations and liabilities owed to workers and customers it abused or killed, and continues merrily on its way, re-offending at will. Big companies have mastered the Texas Two-Step, whereby a company creates a subsidiary that inherits all its liabilities, but not its assets. The liability-burdened company is declared bankrupt, and the company's sins are shriven at the bang of a judge's gavel:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/01/j-and-j-jk/#risible-gambit

Three US judges oversee the majority of large corporate bankruptcies, and they are so reliable in their deference to this scheme that an entire industry of high-priced lawyers exists solely to game the system to ensure that their clients end up before one of these judges. When the Sacklers were seeking to abscond with their billions in opioid blood-money and stiff their victims' families, they set their sights on Judge Robert Drain in the Southern District of New York:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/23/a-bankrupt-process/#sacklers

To get in front of Drain, the Sacklers opened an office in White Plains, NY, then waited 192 days to file bankruptcy papers there (it takes six months to establish jurisdiction). Their papers including invisible metadata that identified the case as destined for Judge Drain's court, in a bid to trick the court's Case Management/Electronic Case Files system to assign the case to him.

The case was even pre-captioned "RDD" ("Robert D Drain"), to nudge clerks into getting their case into a friendly forum.

If the Sacklers hadn't opted for Judge Drain, they might have set their sights on the Houston courthouse presided over by Judge David Jones, the second of of the three most corporate-friendly large bankruptcy judges. Judge Jones is a Texas judge – as in "Texas Two-Step" – and he has a long history of allowing corporate murderers and thieves to escape with their fortunes intact and their victims penniless:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/08/07/hr-4193/#shoppers-choice

But David Jones's reign of error is now in limbo. It turns out that he was secretly romantically involved with Elizabeth Freeman, a leading Texas corporate bankruptcy lawyer who argues Texas Two-Step cases in front of her boyfriend, Judge David Jones.

Judge Jones doesn't deny that he and Freeman are romantically involved, but said that he didn't think this fact warranted disclosure – let alone recusal – because they aren't married and "he didn't benefit economically from her legal work." He said that he'd only have to disclose if the two owned communal property, but the deed for their house lists them as co-owners:

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/24032507-general-warranty-deed

(Jones claims they don't live together – rather, he owns the house and pays the utility bills but lets Freeman live there.)

Even if they didn't own communal property, judges should not hear cases where one of the parties is represented by their long term romantic partner. I mean, that is a weird sentence to have to type, but I stand by it.

The case that led to the revelation and Jones's stepping away from his cases while the Fifth Circuit investigates is a ghastly – but typical – corporate murder trial. Corizon is a prison healthcare provider that killed prisoners with neglect, in the most cruel and awful ways imaginable. Their families sued, so Corizon budded off two new companies: YesCare got all the contracts and other assets, while Tehum Care Services got all the liabilities:

https://ca.finance.yahoo.com/news/prominent-bankruptcy-judge-david-jones-033801325.html

Then, Tehum paid Freeman to tell her boyfriend, Judge Jones, to let it declare bankruptcy, leaving $173m for YesCare and allocating $37m for the victims suing Tehum. Corizon owes more than $1.2b, "including tens of millions of dollars in unpaid invoices and hundreds of malpractice suits filed by prisoners and their families who have alleged negligent care":

https://www.kccllc.net/tehum/document/2390086230522000000000041

Under the deal, if Corizon murdered your family member, you would get $5,000 in compensation. Corizon gets to continue operating, using that $173m to prolong its yearslong murder spree.

The revelation that Jones and Freeman are lovers has derailed this deal. Jones is under investigation and has recused himself from his cases. The US Trustee – who represents creditors in bankruptcy cases – has intervened to block the deal, calling Tehum "a barren estate, one that was stripped of all of its valuable assets as a result of the combination and divisional mergers that occurred prior to the bankruptcy filing."

This is the third high-profile sleazy corporate bankruptcy that had victory snatched from the jaws of defeat this year: there was Johnson and Johnson's attempt to escape from liability from tricking women into powder their vulvas with asbestos (no, really), the Sacklers' attempt to abscond with billions after kicking off the opioid epidemic that's killed 800,000+ Americans and counting, and now this one.

This one might be the most consequential, though – it has the potential to eliminate one third of the major crime-enabling bankruptcy judges serving today.

One down.

Two to go.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/16/texas-two-step/#david-jones

My next novel is The Lost Cause, a hopeful novel of the climate emergency. Amazon won't sell the audiobook, so I made my own and I'm pre-selling it on Kickstarter!

[jmdbjk]

Not the usual ...

Hate'll paralyze your mind Gotta see the other side It costs you nothing to be kind Not so different you and I Looking for love in a different light Until we find that equal sign ~~ j-hope

I am not sure how to start or if I can even touch on everything that's going on in my mind and what follows will probably be disjointed, messy and all over the place.

When the concept of "fandom implosion" was set in front of me, I was skeptical (my middle name), "no, that most likely won't happen."

Me: "Army are pretty cohesive, we are mostly smart, critical thinking humans who can spot the bullshit a mile away and we are resilient enough to carry on."

Remarks such as: "you don't need to announce your departure from the fandom, just go!" accompanied by "the fandom needs a cleansing" and "slough off the ones who are not here to support BTS" and each time, we move on believing we are stronger, better and will persevere.

Yet, every week that goes by since that concept entered my BTS mind, it seems that there is something else that furthers the process of this *now obvious* fandom implosion that is occurring before our eyes.

This stuff going on today in Korea, the wreaths in front of the Hybe building, the trucks, the relentless negativity supposedly FROM K-ARMY is downright disappointing and disheartening. They said for I-Army to let them handle it.

But this is not it y'all.

You have played right into MHJ's hands in sowing negativity in the general public and korean news media. Most concerning to me now: my trust in K-Army has faltered. I know K-Army is not a monolith, just as no faction of the fandom holds more weight than any other, but damn, these people have the attention of their general news media and now they have to deal with the consequences.

Hybe put out a statement about the status of legal proceedings and the statement included an apology to Army. THEY APOLOGIZED TO US, THE FANDOM!

But obviously, that wasn't enough.

I am Army and know all the details of what has happened and is happening and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC OF RELENTLESSLY BEATING UP HYBE, I am confused as to what's happening. What makes anyone think the general public and news media will dive deep enough to understand all the details and nuances?????

Can this also be the work of the organized, paid antis? Yes, it could, but some of my trusted K-Army accounts on X are also supporting this mess. WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL THINKING???

Maybe I'm too American to understand the logic behind what's happening over there. Or maybe its just my nature to always think beyond the action happening to what the aftermath might look like.

But tell me, exactly WHO and exactly WHAT company are we to have faith in for BTS if not Hybe and BigHit? Tell me who? Just cut the group loose and then what? Let them get eaten alive by the media, the general public, every other fandom and hater? Force them to focus on rebuilding their own careers? Force them to have to rebuild another company? How does that support them? How does that protect them? Do you think another company will instantly materialize to pick up the pieces? If you do, you are truly living on another planet.

They should be focusing on their art, not on any of this.

It is usually easy for me to reassure myself that "this is only happening on X/social media," and mostly removed from the real world. But not this time.

The most heartbreaking thing about it all is NONE OF THE MEMBERS can refute, debunk, rebut or speak on this on their own behalf. They are being raked over and over again and there is nothing they can do except carry on. RM doing his best at promoting. Jimin and Jungkook just serving their country the best they can. Jin coming back not into loving arms of his fandom but the ashes of what we once were. Yoongi... my god... I can imagine the cyphers pouring out of him this very second... but he must be silent now.

I am here to support BTS, all seven members. As soon as Namjoon's single was available again on the BTS store website, I bought it. I will buy the song on Apple Music and Amazon. I plan to march over to Target on the day of the album's release to buy it. I can't wait for shipping, I must have it immediately. I have done this with every member's release.

I want to wake up and this be a bad dream. I am certain all the members do too.

My apologies for this very negative post but damn, I had to get it out of my head. Individually, we each have a limit. I am going to recharge my BTS batteries so I can fight another day in what's left of this crazy fandom.

No truer words spoken: Being a fan of BTS, being ARMY, is not for the faint of heart.

[chalkrevelations]

if you don't want to talk about this further, just ignore this of course, but have you seen pond's fucking instagram post about build? (without saying his name of course) i know automatic translations can be wonky, but overall, he is making it all about himself and his feelings, STILL "both sides" the whole thing, and throws in a "watch the new ep of our show" (you know... the one they took away from build) at the end. the audacity that man has is just beyond comprehension. i truly hope karma will do its thing and ruin the company and that man's life.

Hi, Anon. I. Hm.

I went back and forth a couple of times on whether I actually did want to respond to this. I have a lot of feelings and opinions about Pond and about BOC under his direction that I’ve rarely spoken about so publicly (although I have some suspicions, for Reasons, that some things I’ve said in semi-private spaces have been spread further than those spaces). I'm very aware that I'm at a cultural and linguistic disadvantage when I try to evaluate anything about Pond or BOC and that I'm therefore working with limited information. But I don’t think it’s a big secret I’m not a fan of Pond’s. From what I’ve seen, I think his behavior has been deeply problematic and unethical, and not just in relationship to Build’s situation - although the way he’s tried to portray himself as peacemaker during this whole debacle with Poi has certainly only exacerbated my negative impression. The best I can give him is that maybe he’s unaware of his own unctuous self-centeredness? So, while it would be gross and skeevy that he would 1) make something as serious as this all about himself and his own feelings, and 2) use it as a mercenary chance to flog his latest BOC property despite the fact that property no longer has anything to do with Build, I wouldn't be surprised by it.

Personally, I'm sorry that I gave him and his company the benefit of the doubt for as long as I did. Like many other people, I bought into the “big happy family” fan service for a while, before eventually accepting that it was just as much fan service as any branded pair, so, mea culpa on that front, right? But I think too many people didn’t and haven’t realized or accepted that, and that Build in particular has paid an out-sized price for it - including when people have put the blame on him for the cracks in the facade, especially in misplaced anger and outrage over the “leaked” DMs that threatened the happy found-family narrative BOC was selling and that fans want(ed) to believe.

I think Pond and BOC have been very good at manipulating fan sentiment into believing their self-imposed Hero Edit and self-promotion as industry disrupter, despite evidence to the contrary that goes back as far as the filming of KPTS, when Poi and Yok got away with sexually and otherwise harassing multiple cast members, including a teenaged Barcode. It extends through leveraging Barcode’s and other cast members' emotional response to Jeff’s departure to provide a show for a live concert audience, and forward to a reality show in which a bunch of young wannabe actors were pressured into exposing their worst moments, on television, for prurient viewer interest. Setting up Apo, of all people, to hawk skin lightener was a terrible thing to do and makes everyone involved a worse human being.

So, no, I wouldn't find this latest skeevy behavior surprising. I don’t know what Build’s hopes and plans are, as far as regaining a domestic career, and he's always seemed, publicly at least, to be far more forgiving of Pond than I would be in his position. I don't know if that's personal, cultural, or professionally rooted. But I personally hope Build has enough resources to allow him to avoid getting involved with Pond again, given the way Pond and BOC have treated him – from folding to a ginned-up harassment campaign so that Build was kept out of the public eye precisely when VP was airing/trending (funny, that), through leaving him to twist in the wind from the time of Poi’s first salvo of plagiarism accusations - which BOC apparently couldn’t be bothered to respond to, even though it was one of their properties at issue - to Pond standing around for a year and a half with his hands in the air like a bystander while Nong Poi publicly curbstomped someone who Pond claimed was a friend and part of his work "family," before sad-facing for the press about how hurtful it was that Build decided to leave the “family” that had publicly damnatio memoriae’d him.

Anyway, that's really more time and emotional spoons than I want to spend on Pond or his company - tbqh, they're one reason I'm semi-hiatusing at this point - so I'm likely done talking about them after this. But as usual, once I start, I talk forever, so here this is.

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: The Devotion to Tatsumi Kazehaya - 13

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring, three years ago

Characters: Kaname, Tatsumi, Jun

Proofreading: Remi + 310mc (JP) & honeyspades (ENG)

Translation: Peace & hyenahunt

Tatsumi: The root of all misfortune lies in inequality and injustice. They are the root of all unhappiness. That is why they must be corrected.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Kaname: ... I feel the same as Sazanami. If the fame and shine doesn't belong to my own name, then there's no point to it.

But... Still, it seems as if "Tatsumi Kazehaya" is doing well for itself.

Maybe I should learn from it. Throw away this pride of mine and ensure success through that.

All so I can become the sparkling idol I've always dreamed of being.

Tatsumi: Haha. If you so wish, then we are able to help you in a number of ways. We offer idol practices, studies, and can even help you find work — all free of charge.

In fact, I pay everyone who comes to one of my gatherings an equal part of my own wages.

Kaname: What do you mean...?

Tatsumi: You see, I have no interest in money. All of the money that "Tatsumi Kazehaya" accumulates is thus given out in equal shares to those gathered here.

No matter how much you've done, or what you've helped with, you're given the same amount of pay as the person next to you.

Hence, I've asked them to help me with the work I've received as much as possible.

Kaname: Are you for real? You're the one paying them?

It isn't the other way around? They're only managing to catch rays of the limelight because of you, aren't they? And yet... you're paying them?

Tatsumi: That's right. I likened it to a company, didn't I? Anyone who becomes a part of "Tatsumi Kazehaya" is offered the same regular pay as everyone else within it.

It's only natural to reward those who work a reasonable sum, isn't it? I would never ask someone to do my work for free.

Such a thing would be against our doctrine— nay, against human decency itself.

Jun: Ohhh, I get it now... I see just why these guys don't care for working on their own and are perfectly content just being "Tatsumi Kazehaya's assistants.”

They can just kick back and let their earnings pour in that way. Why wouldn't they? The cash they earn through this kinda fixed income is definitely gonna be way more than whatever an idol with no accomplishments could get through independent work.

And on top of that, Kazehaya-senpai's so brilliant at what he does that his work's a huge success every single time. Thanks to that, these guys get the chance to shine while avoiding any risk of failure or injury, or of being thought of as useless.

Sure is a dream job — one fit for morons.

Kaname: And on top of that, if I'm understanding correctly, you pay those a fair wage even if they haven't worked at all?

Tatsumi: I do. We don't discriminate here, you see. All are equal.

Jun: Mmm, well, I’m not that educated so I might be wrong, but this whole arrangement'spretty much that thing, isn't it? Starts with a c and ends with ism....

Our country's a capitalist nation, so y'know, the opposite of that —

Tatsumi: There's truly no need to go that far. I only wish to treat everyone as equally and fairly as possible.

Such a world would be ideal, wouldn't you agree? I want to make it a reality.

Tatsumi: Everyone is treated equally, given the same opportunities, and is paid fairly for their work. That way, everyone is able to live a happy, fulfilling life.

The root of all misfortune lies in inequality and injustice. They are the root of all unhappiness.

That is why they must be corrected.

There is a distinct disparity between the Special and Non-Special Students here at Reimei Academy. I'm doing what I can to close it.

It doesn't matter who you are, what you are, or even where you came from: you will be treated equally. Everyone will carry the same weight, walk the same amount of steps, and reach the same destination.

Everyone finishes at the same time. Everyone will be granted the same first place result, fairly and ideally.

And that is how we'll stop needless fighting over who's won and lost, we'll cease begrudging others for what they have, and we'll share the same happiness with one another.

That is the ideal world I dream of.

To bring it even slightly closer to reality, I'm doing what I can— though at the moment, this small sphere is all I'm able to influence in such a way.

Tatsumi: One day, I will take all those who inhabit Reimei Academy, the teachers and Special Students alike, as well as those in the idol industry, in this country, in this world...

And change their ways so we may live in such an Eden.

No, it's more than that. That is my mission in life as the Voice of God, as someone born within a family who teaches His words.

I truly believe that, and so I will live by that faith.

Tatsumi: May all of God's creations be blessed. Amen.

[ ☆ ]

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[jonathan-samuel-smith]

BoSS Dami is like the same character but rather than serious and grumpy they play up his arrogance into him being boastful and cocky and I love it. He's having so much fun in the film, he loves fighting. He's bloodthirsty in a way that makes the audience happy for him which is pretty funny. I love the way they animate his facial expressions it's so good, and I love his voice. It's a little bit serious and broody while still being arrogant and youthful it's great. Jon sounds a little too old to be ten but I like his voice other than that. I love how Jon thinks he's cool and how quickly they bond despite clashing early on. And they're so cute. So. Cute.

The colorism thing is a big problem and it's par the course for Damian, when given the full range of color options for a character of his heritage they will always choose the lightest unless they're actively fighting their subconscious racism and colorism.

I went off on a rant on DC colorists colorism under the cut this post really got away from me, but READ THIS IF YOU DRAW DAMIAN!!↓

I get that you draw what you see and if you see a lot of white and lightskinned people you end up getting good at only drawing white people, and light skin has been purposely highlighted in visual media for centuries in this country, but USE GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH GOD DAMNIT, FOLLOW POC ON SOCIAL MEDIA, HIRE POC. Go out of your damn way to learn this shit. If you can't do it good now, learn!

I went through this with homestuck, all the human characters have #00000 skin so you're free to have whatever race headcanons you want of them, but that's not actually representation. I was influenced by this style because coloring skin is hard so I just shaded it with my pencil and left it uncolored but then I realized by refusing to color the melanin in someone's skin, that's colorism. Fuck that. So I decided to learn, and mess up a lot of otherwise pretty works, because it would be worth it in the end. I'm still learning but I've learned so much already.

For example a lot of colorist societies draw pale skin far too desaturated. If you compare actual skin to the skin in anime, nearly all Asians that aren't photoshopped or wearing make up/bleaching look so much darker. Bleached paper being what we draw on and light skin being the presumed default in our culture has made white people (and others) way too comfortable doing the bare minimum in coloring skin. You don't still use the yellow crayon for blonde hair so why do you still use the very light peach/tan as the default skin tone? You're not even coloring light skin right let alone approaching properly drawing dark skin right.

I'm so fucking tired of every company doing this when I learned how to do better in middle school. Get out of your fucking comfort zone and draw diversely, or you're a coward and you're not doing anything to combat your culturally inherited racism.

Most DC artists are good at drawing 1 or 2 skin tones, maybe 3. There are so many more undertones and shades than that. I'm not counting rainbow colors. If you want Damian to be paler than his mother to reflect his mixed heritage that's totally fine! But it should be darker than Bruce's and Jon's. I've compared them and paid attention to the shadows being cast and he's really not darker than Jon and only rarely darker than Bruce because they drew Bruce especially pale.

I want you to understand that removing melanin from a character is erasure of their identity and actively harmful. There's a broad range of skin tones that the son of Talia and Bruce might have but choosing the lightest possible option is favoring white skin over dark skin, not realism. Just because you've seen more light skinned mixed kids doesn't mean there aren't darker skinned ones. The light skinned ones get more attention on social media and commercially because of social bias + algorithms + intentional racism. Most people who are colorist think that they're not racist because they're representing nonwhite people not bothering to notice that the people they represent have the most european features and light skin in their group. Yes those people are oppressed too but you're not fixing anything by only showing racially ambiguous people.

Mariner on star trek is a relevant example from animation. Both her parents have dark skin but she has much lighter skin because she's a main character. Stop it. Stop it. Don't think just because you see something highlighted a lot that it's the most common thing that's so dumb. How many mixed people do you think you see that you assume aren't mixed? There's confirmation bias at play.

I just wish I could beam this message into everyone's thick fucking skulls. Dark skin is beautiful. My number one coloring tip for any artist is this: don't be afraid to go too dark. You'll ruin the contrast and legibility and dynamic if you keep everything light and mid tones.

If you go too dark, you can filter it later.

I hate the argument "there are plenty of mixed people who dadadadada" stop. there are such a variety of people in numbers you literally cannot fathom with your human brain. You cannot picture all of the people that look exactly like whatever it is you're saying is more uncommon. Race is made the fuck up but its impact and cultural significance is real as hell. Genetics are so fucking diverse. I know a biologically related pair of siblings, one super tall dark skinned black dude and one super short freckled white girl, they have the same parents you cannot tell that they are related if you're thinking that mixed race children are like taking the skin tones and mixing them like paint.

Colorism is physically dangerous. People will assume that a mixed race child is being kidnapped by their parent because they so look different to them.

Damian could look the spitting image of Talia, I can tell you that with 100% certainty. He also could look the spitting image of Bruce, or Thomas Wayne, or Martha, or Ra's. All we know is that he's Arab, Chinese and white, he has black hair and green eyes, and he's short and good looking. Taking that and making the most european looking version of that guy as possible is fucking racist. I'm so serious.

If you want to do your part to combat racism and make a society where everyone can get attention and be seen as beautiful regardless of skin tone, then draw Damian with dark skin.

If you don't want to do that.... I don't understand you. Learn empathy, it will be useful to you.

[hillbillyoracle]

The Algorithm is AI Art

Last year, I used DALL-E to create a series of images for a digital tarot card deck I was making for my personal use. When I shared some of those images here on my blog, I got a massive amount of push back and even threats in my inbox. I'm still putting my thoughts together on that experience but it did make me realize that most people don't seem to realize they're supporting the AI art they hate so much - to the tune of millions and even billions of dollars per year depending on the platform - almost everyday through the algorithms they use.

So if you genuinely hate AI art, I'm here to tell you that you've got to do what you can to get rid of and not use the algorithms in your life. That kind of support is more materially complicit with AI's intrusion on art than someone making a few images for themself ever could be.

Yes It's Possible

For many platforms, especially when they're accessed on desktop, it is possible to greatly reduce your contact with the algorithm. I use browser extensions to cut out the AI curated feeds on YouTube, Facebook, and Reddit. I mostly use Instagram on desktop to answer messages.

I generally do not use Instagram, Facebook, and other apps that do not allow users to control their feed on mobile. I know Instagram is mobile only - when I use it on mobile, I download it, upload what I want, then delete the app again.

I am considering cutting these out entirely again once this phase of my experiment for a zine I'm writing is over because honestly, they're not worth it, but that's a different post...

I also really recommend either making a separate email account or getting ruthlessly organized in your current one, so that you can sign up for artist's newsletters and other forms of human centered curation. RSS readers like Feedly can also be a good alternative.

The point here isn't perfection - the point is doing what you can. Not because it will change companies - but because it's better for you and the artists you care about.

Why?

Algorithms in these spaces determine who's work gets shown and more importantly - who gets paid enough to continue making their art.

AI has consistently been shown to reproduce and even exaggerate biases already present in society. This video by Ann Reardon of How to Cook That talks about YouTube's lack of transparency about the potential for a sexist bias in YouTube's algorithm and shows that in the top views at least, there's a clear slant toward male creators. The only woman in the top 10 does not show her face in her videos - unlike most of the men in the top 10. This discrepancy is even larger the further down the list you go.

Who gets shown is who gets paid enough to keep making their content/art. Less pay means people can afford to put out less content/art and can't scale - meaning less diversity in content/art.

What art gets shown influences what inspires new art and content to be made. You are seeing art directly shaped by AI everyday - and more than that - by continuing to click on what it serves up to you, you support it.

This AI influence on real world art has become so normalized that people consider it as natural a force of nature as wind. It's not. This was designed - and it can be redesigned.

I want to be careful not to overstate the influence of a click either - your clicking on something you choose is not a form of activism. Your clicks cannot retrain the algorithm at scale. A lot of people have the misconception that you can train "your" algorithm but what the algorithm on your feeds is doing is actually comparing your clicks to it's database of similar user profiles and their behaviors to decide what to suggest to you. Your clicks don't retrain the AI as a whole, they just match you with a different user type.

The real reason I think those concerned about AI in art need to find ways to take control of their feeds is because it ensures you're able to support a diverse array of creators through your views and it ensures that what you're taking your inspiration from isn't what the AI decides is worthy of attention.

I realize there are those who are reading this who either might not have been old enough to remember or even weren't born when YouTube basically took your Subscriptions off the front page. It used to be they would pop up at the top of the front page. Then it got knocked down on the front page. When it got shoved into it's own sidebar link and then that link progressively minimized through redesigns - there was actually an outcry about it.

People warned that this would lead to a watering down effect, where smaller channels didn't get the chance to grow like already established ones would. Creators of marginalized identities saw their views drop dramatically. Similar things happened when Facebook and Instagram fully took away a user's ability to have a chronological feed (this was possible in the early days). I know of more than a few creators who fully had to step away from their work because of the change over. I miss their art.

And then the outcry petered out. The companies didn't lose users over it so nothing changed. Eventually people got used to it and the protests went away. These companies now know they're "too big to fail" and can ignore user outcry until people acclimate the new normal that serves them. This normal serves them because it does actually increase engagement and keeps you on the platform for longer - which means less time spent on your own creative activities, yet another way they impact what art gets made.

TL;DR: if you hate AI's impact on artists and their employment opportunities, take control of your feeds. Make your own. Choose what you click. Take back your time and make more art.

[ominous-feychild]

✦ OC Questionnaire Tag ✦

Following open tags from @yourpenpaldee (post), @honeybewrites (post), and @pixies-love-envy (post)!

I liked a lot of your guys' questions and really wanted to try them out! Hopefully that's okay, I'm really new to this kind of stuff so please be patient with me if I do any of this wrong! 😅😊

Characters from Sun and Shadow: Crow, Freya, and Daleira.

Crow (the detective's progeny)

Would you do something illegal if you were getting paid a large sum of money? (You can choose the illegal thing) I mean, aren't I already being paid to do illegal things for lots of money? Breaking and entering, very consensual information-gathering, theft of evidence, falsification of identity, planting of evidence when and where necessary... wait, who's asking again? Change of answer: I would never. 😘

What is your favorite non-human creature in the world and why? (Gods count) That's easy! My familiar, Aria! I don't care if she's connected to me, she's not human--and don't you dare make a joke about me not being human either! I am cursed, not something else! And why do I love her? I mean--is she my favorite non-human creature? Well... there's a lot of reasons. For one, she's my familiar. Like, she chose me. Even if she's a crow, too, because she's taken on a bit of my curse... I mean, that's my fault isn't it? Ha... no, I think she's fine. She's still able to sing, and that seems to be enough for her. I guess I like that about her, too. Eh, this is all too gushy. Next question!

If you were forced to kill one person you have met, who would it be? (Not yourself) *looks at the people they've gotten thrown into prison* Yeeeeaaaaah, there's a lot of options there. You really want me to pick one? Look, I already only spared them because it was against the law and my father would've been upset about it. If I'm going to go against their wishes... I'm going to pick a lot more than just one. 😉

Frey (ex-fisherwoman and heiress to the Ula company)

Are you spiritual at all? Are you not? There's so much magic in the air that most people are fae-touched one way or another, and you'd never know if you're speaking to a spirit in disguise or an avatar of the gods. Plus, my dad is an avatar--so it's kinda hard to not worship the gods or whatever other spirits out there that demand your respect. I mean, you want to get on their bad side? *scoff* Good luck with that.

Do you want children? If so how many? Uh, I've never thought about that before actually. Probably not? Maybe? I don't know, honestly. Maybe eventually? *sigh* Give me some years and maybe someone I could actually see myself settling down with and we'll see.

What’s your favorite memory? Oh... this is probably kind of depressing, heh... but it would probably be the day my dad came back from his year-long trip around the world. It'd been storming horribly, he was supposed to be in the area, and I was ten so I thought that him not responding to his transceiver had to mean something happened to him! Turns out, he'd come back early and wanted to surprise me with some gravlax he bought from a specialty place in town. He apologized when he saw how terrified I was, ha, and we spent the night together playing stupid board games. Oh, and he taught me how to make skink! ... I miss him. Dammit...

Daleira (magitech inventor and faerie)

What does your rest day look like? Ha! What rest day? Okay, okay--I actually do rest, but just maybe not in the way you usually would. I enjoy working with all these little magical devices, tinkering with them, figuring out how they work and how we can recreate them... wait, what was I saying? OH RIGHT! So my "rest days" usually just have me working in my workshop with Faer if he's there, haha. That, or maybe taking a stroll around the city! (*mischievous smile*) Anyone who thinks they're going to mess with a lone, helpless girl... well, that's their mistake.

What would be your last meal? I mean, technically--okay, no, sorry, this is supposed to be a game where I take everything literally. No ifs, ands, or buts. Alright. In the situation where I had to choose a last meal... what would I choose? Oooo, I know! I'd love a feast with as much sweets as possible! 🥰 What? Can't a girl love sweets?

If you were a hybrid, what would you want to be morphed with? Ho-kayyy, so! Ignoring technicalities and all of that stuff again. We're going to assume here that I can't choose anything that I already use and that I can't switch my appearance anymore after? Alright. So... I think I would probably pick some kind of bird? 😅 Ha... it's kind-of nerve-wracking to think I'd never be able to shapeshift again, but I like birds! Their wings, and they're pretty, and... yeah, it would be nice to fly.

Your questions!

If you could commit any crime for free and completely get away with it, which crime would you commit? (Saying "I would never commit a crime!!!" is a goody-two-shoes acceptable answer)

What would be your dream ending? Like, if everything in your life went exactly how you wanted, how would it turn out?

What is your greatest fear? And, if you were asked your greatest fear by a creature you thought might use it against you, what would you tell it?

Tagging (with no pressure): @darkandstormydolls @fantasy-things-and-such @yourpenpaldee @themboty and whoever else wants to join!

[moonlitscales]

Do you have any Oc’s?

OMGOMGOMG!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I'll start this w/ I have a blog just for my OCs/art!!! (I promise I'm not self promoting 💀)

Okay this will now be a mini rant on my OCs bc I've been WAAAITING to answer this!!!!1!!1!1!!!! (tweaking while writing this)

My current biggest OCs with a story are Sia, Nova, Diana, and Annie. Their story centers around a cult (motivation currently unknown), that is following Sia and Nova every town they move. Nova is Sia's older sister and raised her from a baby when Nova was only around 7-8 years old. The sister move towns almost every year, yet Diana appears in almost every one.

Diana is Sia's closest friend and secret stalker. Annie doesn't come up much, but has a history with Nova that isn't the best. Sia is unaware but suspicious of the cult, Nova does her best to stay as far away from any signs of it, and Diana and Annie and members said cult.

These are all their designs and a few things about them!!!

Sia Kitlen:

-She is a Siamese cat (surprise) with a liking more towards the scene style and listens to music a lot. She's pretty sociable and loves making friends even if she wont see them for long. She is a demigirl (she/they) and a Omnisexual with a preference for women.

I have a whole post just for her!!

Tid-bits about her I was asked!

Nova Kitlen:

-A black cat and Sias older sister with a TOUGH backstory. She's cold and barely talks to anyone besides her sister. She strives to be a fashion designed since it was what her papa wanted to be before he passed. She is aroace, but has had a romantic history. (not too open to relationships now though) She's almost missing her ring finger on her left hand and has the sigil of the cult branded on her back bc why not 😋

Diana:

-A soft/cutecore bunny who seems to follow the sisters at every town they move to; whether she shows herself or not. She's more soft spoken and gentle with a passion for photography, but is actually a HEAVY stalker and border line yandere. She's apart of the cult (I just don't have a name for them yet 💀) and her purpose is to follow Nova and give updates but really only pays attention to Sia. She's a raging lesbian btw, she thinks everyone's super icky but especially men

Annie:

(okay so I don't actually have a full working design for her yet but shes going be a "scary" or tough dog breed like a pitbull I just need to finish designing it bc she was originally 'human' 💀)

-Annie is a mechanic/inventor who works in her mothers/family business: "Annie and Bells" (her mother). Her family comes first, which was unfortunate when she fell for Nova only to have her pushed away because of the cult. She was originally supposed to only get close to her to get her back into the cults hands but fell for her instead. She a bisexual who really REALLY misses her ex.

Also if you've gotten down to this part that means you've paid enough attention to care and you deserve to know: Sia and Annie were old Welcome home Ocs 😓 I eventually separated them from it, but deAR GOD do I have a scary amount of art shipping Sia and a Wally AU T-T (also here's the cult sigil or something)

(spider :3)

But yeah! Those are my current biggest and most important ocs!!! I do have a few others but those are the ones I'm currently hyperfixating on :333

Here's a few extra just because and i'm bored

Clara is an old Hazbin hotel oc overlord own owns a makeup company and shipped with Velvette bc why not

Kai is literally just a chill beach girl. Made her from an OC challenge w/ my bestie lol

[momo-de-avis]

I'm going to try and explain my head, which is about to explode, as best I can. I have a friend who is a very good friend and has helped me immensely with my work, getting me to join numerous other companies and widen my experience. But he's intense. He has a way of seeing the world that is divided in absolutes, in extremes, and unwittingly (I don't doubt it's all out of good intentions) he puts so much pressure on a person more than once someone had to tell him to back off.

To summarise, he got me into a company. It didn't work out (this was the woman who did a million different trainings and I got pissed at her and left). He got me into another company, it also didn't work out (this was the company whose sales tanked and they cancelled all my bookings. They're also extremely disorganised and I hate working with disorganised people). I expressed my frustration to him, cause right now I'm only with Blue and Purple companies, and they don't pay well. Well, blue company actually pays miserally bad.

I've been feeling frustration out of this for a month now. A couple days ago a free tour guide approached me and we had a chat. He said he was interested in working for Blue Company but they were rude to him. When he asked me what they paid us, I told him. He was quite shocked. He said he did food tours for another company and they paid substantially better. Later that day I'm doing a food tour and I'm at this restaurant talking to the waiter. He says he has another guide that shows up once in a while, and she'd paid X amount disregarding the number of people. Then he says 'you must be paid the same, right?' he was shocked when I said we are paid half, and that's for a full gorup. Less people means less money. He was even more shocked when he learnt that yes, we are paid less if clients simply don't show up.

That stacked up on my frustration. But then friend came along and made ir worse.

The thing he does is that he tries to offer solutions, which I'm appreciative of. But they're intense and he lacks perspective on how other people live their life and their constraints. He says to me my best chance at life, at a career, is doing a post-grad in tour guiding, a well know post grad course that is privileged by many companies. Then he says 'do you have 3000€?' and insists what I should do is sign up for it now. 'You're still in time for entering this school year,' he says. I have to explain to him that yeah, I have 3000€ but it's not like I can just squander it like that. 'Oh but it's okay,' he explains, 'because it's not 3000€ in one go, it's in installments!' Like that solves anything. Brother I have a mortgage to pay. I have pets and a life together with another human being. One just doesn't turn and say 'mommy I'm back in school, please pay' a bitch has to discuss these things.

I tell him my future intentions is to take the exam to become a certified tour guide. But like, future future. He asks me 'when? this year?' I'm like, are you fucking nuts, the exams are in January. He groans like I'm making the wrong decision. I have to hurry, he insists. I have to sign up as soon as possible.

And my question is, fucking why, my brother? I know I'm 35, but I'm not dead, jesus. Who fucking cares if I take the exam when I'm 40?

And he talks with such an intensity, just shooting words like a machine gun, pow pow pow, going at it, 'you gotta', 'you must', and with eloquently stringed sentences like 'this is the turning point of your career' that I feel completely pushed against the wall. This mf really makes me think that I know nothing about my life and that I'm squandering every second I'm alive and not thinking of work. It's enough to be self-conscious of the fact that I'm 35 and starting a career, but he talks, he persists, he insists, like I'm going to be dead by 40, or that there's a time-limit on being a tour guide, a certified tour guide, or whatever fucking propsect at a career in this area he has conceived.

So then we get to the problem. After weeks of this, my brain is malting through my ears. I'm dissatisfied with my situations, I'm resentful of Blue Company because I've been trying to not rely on it completely and yet everything went so wrong I feel I'm being held hostage by them. And he keeps pressuring me with these things, like this genuinely the most intense career advisor you can imagine

But then

He calls me and tells me he has another gig for me. It's a circuit. A circuit means I'll be away from home for 7 days and I'll be solely responsible for a group of fuck knows how many americans. It starts in Porto, it involves some shit in the douro valley, wine tastings, visit to a cellar, and then a day in Aveiro, a city I've been to ONCE and now I should be able to do a walk tour, and then proceeds to Lisbon and Sintra, which is easy peasy.

I've always wanted to do circuits. This one pays extremelly well. But I feel unprepared. I don't know Aveiro, I don't know if I have time to study, and I feel insecure.

But here he comes. He uses absolute statements that completely shake me. 'This will be a hallmark of change for your career' or 'you will have to rescind a week of availability to Blue Company, and things might take a turn' or 'you will become a promoter of Portuguese Heritage'

And I'm sitting there like. Bro I'mm be the queen of England if you keep going. It's not enough that he's been pressuring me to continue, to strive, to think of work at every waking hour, to drop 3000€ for yet another year in my life, to jump into the chance of getting my certification as soon as possible lest I burst into flames at menopause or some shit, and now he offers me a chance of going from 'easy peasy work' to 'completely unfamiliar territory for the first time and utter responsibility' overfuckingnight. And to top it all off, he goes 'you must give me an answer in 48h'.

I'm in such a state, I have a Jewish Heritage tour tomorrow, which I have done before, with a company that is really one of those the clients pay good fucking money and I've been feeling for two weeks like I can't do it. I feel small as shit and I just want to scream at this guy 'SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, NOT ALL OF US GO AT IT AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT MY GUY'

I have to give him an answer tomorrow about the circuit and I don't know what to do. I feel hesitant but my earthbound, grounded acquaintances and friends (including bf) had expressed in more humane terms how this would be a fantastic opportunity for me, and they've offered me info on Aveiro and tricks to learn to get around on a walking tour. Seriously I only remember one canal in Aveiro.

I need a vacation

[vclvetfleur]

Obedient Chapter 15

roman roy x fem!reader

Summary: Your relationship with Roman has been strained more than ever. You refuse to speak or talk to him. But his trip to Turkey had taken a dark turn and he had left you in the dark about it. You finally see him again after finding out the news on the Yacht trip in Croatia.

Season 2, Episode 10

TW: Hostage situation, offensive jokes, Logan Roy

WC: 5.6K

Notes: I don't think i've ever written this much. this took up 12 pages on word doc. i'm going to be writing the best essays once my college semester starts

Chapter 15: Greg Sprinkles

After that night, you stayed away from Roman as much as you could. He couldn’t stop you either. You’d come into work, give your notes, and leave. He would try to make jokes, try to make you laugh or smile, but he was met with just silence. Not even a glance. It got to a point; he didn’t bother to try. He knew there was no point in return. He messed up. It wasn’t that he didn’t love you. He just wasn’t able to realize his feelings quick enough. The only love he knew was hurtful. Not loving. Or caring. He loved Shiv. He loved Kendall. He loved Logan. And his mother. But they all had never shown him proper enough love. He knew that was love. So, this, whatever you both had, was just a like. Not love. Just like.

You had been out with Jess more and more. She questioned why you were with her rather than Roman. You simply told her it was because you realized you didn’t love Roman. You hadn’t thought your feelings were as deep as you thought they were. You had cut things off with Roman. Most of it was a lie though. You just regret almost ruining your relationship with Jess over someone like Roman. All of his bad traits intensified in your eyes. His words were more vile. His views were more disgusting and appalling. He was the worst human to ever walk the earth. But you got paid.

You couldn’t quit though. Not that you couldn’t live without it. You had been financially well off ever since the job, but some part of you needed to see Roman. Not on a TV screen. But you were not ready. You’d get the courage one day.

He had been sent off to Turkey, you had made the schedules he was given by Logan. Logan became his new cheerleader. Instead of you encouraging him, Logan did. But Logan only did it to keep more shareholders and to get rid of the scandal as best he could. He told Roman exactly what you had before. He wasn’t good with public stuff or formal stuff, but personal, chill unofficial meetings were his strong suit. He was likable. He was funny. He made people, rich men, comfortable.

So, he had only texted you about the meetings he wanted to set and to make sure they didn’t overlap with each other.

You had stayed home the day that the company was going to testify to Congress.  It was a huge deal. But you couldn’t be surrounded by that. Roman wasn’t here for it. You saw no point. Just another reason to listen to men and women put down sexual assault victims. To put down those women. For it being ‘so long ago’. If only you had known what you did years ago, maybe you would’ve also come out sooner. But you were just as scared as these women.

Roman had texted you a few times, but each time you ignored him.

But the texts stopped for hours. Not that he would be asleep, but he just was gone. He might’ve just given up. He stopped trying to get your attention. In reality, his phone and security guard had been taken from him. And was now being held hostage in a hotel. He sat there panicking. But the only thing he thought of was you. He messed up. He made you feel unloved, uncared for, and unappreciated. And you’d never know how much he actually loved you. He had just realized how much he loved you. And all he could think about was how he could possibly get shot or die and you’d never know. He tried to seem calm, but inside he couldn’t hold it together. If you were here, you’d find a way to calm him down. If you were here, you’d know what to say. If you were here, you’d do everything right. But you weren’t. And it was his fault. It was awful to wish that you’d be in a dangerous, life-threatening situation with him, but he wished exactly that in this moment. 

But Roman was luckily okay. He was sent home. He tried calling you, but you put him on voicemail each time. It had been 2 days. Logan sent him to a shrink and just hoped everything could be okay.

Jess had begged you to join the company on this boat ride. She didn’t want to go alone. You reluctantly joined. Despite your intense fear of the ocean. You all had flown out, you separately on your own flight, flying first class on a commercial flight to the Mediterranean. You had landed in Croatia, meeting with Jess in the hotel. You planned your outfits together the night before your flight. “So, how’s it gonna be seeing Roman for the first time after y’know?” She asked. She was worried for you. She knew even though you said you didn’t love him, you definitely had care for him. “Jess- I still saw him after we broke up.” You laughed, pulling your sunglasses on.

“I know that… but y’know… come on…” She kept asking you. She thought you were heartless for ignoring what Roman had just gone through and completely acting as if you didn’t care. You raised your eyebrows at her, wondering what she was even talking about. Your smile began to disappear once you realized she was insinuating something else. She then realized you didn’t know. Your heart raced wondering what Roman did. Did he already start seeing someone else? Did he publicly do something?

“Uh- I don’t know how to say this without it sounding awful…” Jess dragged it out. I mean how do you tell someone their ex was a hostage for 24 hours before being let go finally. And had been isolated for days to recover from it. “There were terrorists in Turkey. Roman was involved.” She had been vague. You went into complete panic. “Woah-woah. What? What the fuck do you mean?” You asked frantically.

“I don’t fucking know! All I heard was some terrorists took Laird, Karl, and Roman hostage after their deal with Eduard and they finally let them go. I don’t know that much.” Jess tried to scramble to give you as many details as she knew. But you were still in the dark. You both were. You tried to get your heart to go back to a normal pace and your breathing corrected. “Jesus fucking Christ… What the actual fuck?” You were in disbelief. You were even more annoyed that Roman didn’t even bother texting you about it. Just ‘hey im back’. That was it? Was he fucking insane?

Jess wrapped an arm around you, rubbing your arm calmly. “He’s all right. It’s fine. He came back like 2 days ago.” Jess tried to make you realize. She looked at her phone, seeing that had to leave. She guided you out, you took a bottle of water before leaving the room with her. You got into the black car, sitting with Kendall and Naomi. “Oh, hi y/n.” Naomi greeted you, giving you a quick hug. You smiled, hugging her back. “So great to see you again. Wow.” She was happy to see you again. She hadn’t expected to see you. But the last time you had seen her, you were sniffing coke off of some club table. Which was a great time for her. “We’re still waiting for Greg.” Kendall warned.

But as soon as Kendall said it, Greg came up into existence. He nearly hit his head, behind down low enough to fit into the car. He had sat in the back with you and Jess, shoving you into the middle now. “Oh-Uh- hi… I haven’t seen you in a bit. You hear about Roman? Is he- do you know- Is he okay?” Greg asked you at a fast pace. “I- uhm- I just found out 5 minutes ago Greg. But thank you for letting me know you knew more about my own boss than I do.” You felt slightly annoyed. Why didn’t anyone tell you? Why were you the only one out of the know? Kendall looked at you concerned, knowing you and Roman had something going on. But noticed you both were very distant. Naomi kept a notice too. “Woah Roman didn’t tell you?” She asked shocked. Your lips tightened into a line. You just nodded. “Woah- that’s fucked…” She mumbled. “Ken if you become a hostage- you better fucking tell me immediately.” She hinted to everyone in the car about your relationship. But everyone except Greg knew. “Roman’s fine.” Kendall shoved off what had happened. The car stopped in front of the boat. You looked at Jess, fearful of having to get on it. She shoved you out of the car though, essentially telling you to get over it. You walked out, putting your sunglasses on. You had walked up the ramp, holding onto Jess’s arm tightly. “Fucking- why the fuck did you have me agree to this?” You said annoyed as you tried to watch your step. Jess couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous you were being.

“What’s wrong?” She asked you, passing by you as you were struggling to get onto the boat. “She hates the ocean.” Jess confessed. You finally stepped foot onto the deck, feeling a lot more secure than earlier. You all took your shoes off, putting them to the side before finally walking through the yacht. You ordered yourself a drink, hoping it’d get you through being stuck on a boat with Roman. You spotted Willa, seeming upset and annoyed. “Hey gorg.” You exclaimed to get her attention. She looked up at you, trying to smile at you. She put a hand up and then immediately down. “Hi…” She mumbled. “What’s wrong? What happened?” You asked her. You sat down with her and Connor but Connor behind Willa’s back begged you silently not to ask. She got up, upset, and ran off to go get drunk just like you did. “Reviews for the play came in…” Connor said before running after Willa. Jess just laid back, shrugging at you as you tried to keep a positive energy while Willa could see you. But once she was mostly out of view, you gave Jess a face. You both had gone to the play. Despite Willa being an amazing and funny person, she wasn’t that talented. Her actor too. It was a very fake deep kind of play where the themes and messages were way too obvious or so obscure that it barely made any sense to the story. You weren’t even sure what the story was.

“Maybe if the blue bird sang on the window, it’ll make the reviews weep honey…” Jess quoted the play to you. You slapped her arm playfully, holding back a laugh.

“You’re awful.” You giggled, downing your mojito.

“No. That play was.” Jess answered. She knew you were gonna need another one. She put her hand up to get one of the server's attention and asked for another mojito. “Be honest with me… Did you ever think we’d end up like this?” She wondered. “On a boat? Fuck no. Fucking rich men and basically becoming rich ourselves. Yes.” You joked. Jess looked at you, jokingly annoyed with your answer, putting her middle finger up at you.

“No- I mean- a good job, traveling around the world, being able to actually afford shit we want.” Jess named off. You started to actually think about it. “I thought you’d end up like that.” You answered honestly. You never thought of yourself as being set up for greatness or success. Just some poor girl with parents who didn’t care about her who was gonna keep the cycle going of being some kind of free-loading assholes. You saw all your bad traits as your parents. You could mostly name all your bad traits, you had to really think about the good traits you had.

Jess rubbed your back, her smile gone. But returned once your drink came to the table. She replaced your straw and handed you the drink. “Well, I always saw us being here one day. Drink up. Cheers to us.” She put her glass up before clinking it with yours.

Your lips grew into a large grin, unable to hide the fact that no matter what Jess had always been there to help. Despite the fight you both had recently, she was still here. She was here at your side to be your support. You couldn’t be happier. Until the boat stopped. You began to panic. “Oh god, we’re fucking sinking.” You overreacted. You looked out at the ocean to see a smaller boat parked next to the yacht. You watched 3 men get out from under the deck of the boat and get on. One of those ‘men’ was Roman. Shiv congratulated them and everyone tried to greet Roman and joke about the incident. Roman was not in a mood at all. He just ignored them, keeping his head down and his hands at his side. He just whispered ‘yup’ ‘mhm’ and ‘sure’ after each unnecessary comment. He specifically didn’t like the attention he was getting. Tom made a joke before Roman finally snapped at them. “Uh- you know what? Uh- it was actually fucking scary and we thought that they might kiss us but yeah…” He then mocked Tom’s joke and made a silly voice mimicking what he said.

Everyone grew silent and stared at him, concerned. Kendall began to apologize, but Roman just shoved off all the insensitive jokes. He only replied with what you could hope was a joke about what had happened. Everyone tried to apologize, but Roman continued to move the attention off of him. Roman looked off, trying to take his mind off of what had happened. He didn’t come to think that you might be here.

Jess got up, thinking it’d be appropriate to comfort him or ask if he was okay. At least because of you. She walked over, glass in hand. “Hey…” She dragged out her word. “You doing alright champ?” She thought it would at least make him smile or laugh. But nothing. He shrugged and nodded. You followed Jess, not wanting to be alone on the boat in fear of falling. You stood by her side, avoiding looking at Roman. Roman saw you at the corner of his eye and sat up straight. “Uhh- what happened? I thought you weren’t a boat person…” He asked you. You shrugged, sipping on your straw. “I should be asking you that. Considering I had to hear from your brother's assistant that my boss was held hostage. Yea- I found out just less than an hour ago. Thanks for that.” You made a snarky remark. You knew he needed emotional support, but it wasn’t fair to you. You should’ve been the first to know. You told him you loved him. You were the one he was waking up to most nights. You were the only one he shared private stuff with. And now you were this much of a stranger to him? “I mean- I tried…” He shrugged. “Texting me hey doesn’t mean ‘hey I’ve been held hostage’, but hey. I’m not your therapist.” You put your hands up in a way to mock how he had been held hostage and for him being so rude to you that night. You just walked away, not wanting to listen to the next thing he had to say for himself. “I’m sorry Rome…” Jess apologized to you. She didn’t know you and him had been fighting. She assumed it was mutual or that you dumped him.  She chased you, holding your wrist to stop you. “Hey-what the fuck?” She asked you. “What? He’s a shit person. I mean- wouldn’t you be pissed too?” You tried to get her input. She looked at you as if you were crazy. How could you be so mean to him after he had just had such a traumatizing experience? She expected this from his siblings. But not you.

“So you’d be mad at me if I did the same?” Jess asked you. You nodded, knowing you were lying. Jess knew though. “Alright- I don’t believe you. But whatever. Your life.” She sighed.

You spent most of your time, sipping on cocktails, and talking to Jess. You had your sunglasses on, staring off as you all joked with one another. Roman and his siblings, excluding Connor, and Tom were nearby. They were finally having a conversation now that Roman had been out of it completely. You both wore your sunglasses to look at one another without the other knowing. But you couldn’t keep your eyes off each other. Even if you weren’t nearby.

“I think Tom and Shiv are gonna try to fuck that girl. Shiv has been staring at her most of the day.” Jess commented as she pointed her out to you. You peeled your eyes off of Roman and looked at the girl. “Hmm. Bit young for a mid-30s couple isn’t she?” You asked. “Weren’t you fucking Roman?” Jess fired back at you. You shook your head, kissing your middle finger her way. “I never fucked him. So ha.” You admitted.

“Oh yeah- forgot. He’s fucking inept.” Jess revealed. You weren’t taking the comment seriously. He probably was just nervous. Willa finally decided to join you two. She sat down with an entire bottle of bubbly wine. “What are we on about?” She asked to join the conversation. “Just Tom and Shiv being in an open marriage.” You quickly said before the possibility of the topic being on Roman.

“I’m fucking jealous.” Willa laughed to herself. She wished Connor would open up their marriage. A part of her loved him, just not enough to want herself to devote her entirety to him.

You watched as a helicopter was incoming. Fucking Logan. You all had to line up to watch Logan’s incoming appearance. It was all just another ego thing for Logan. Roman stood next to you. You shifted away, but there wasn’t much room to move. “Just- can you fucking- I don’t know- just talk to me later? I have something to say…” He whispered. You looked at the helicopter and didn’t say anything. “Y/n…” He pleaded. You just nodded before Logan stepped out of his helicopter. He called Roman, Karl and Laird to speak to him, forcing Roman to leave you behind. You were finally thankful for Logan.

“You should hear him out…” Jess said to you as you all finally walked away. “I don’t know.” You answered simply. “What the fuck happened? You’re lying again.” Jess accused you. You sighed, not sure if you were ready to even talk about any of it yet. “I’m not ready.” You answered simply before walking off. Jess didn’t know what to do to help the situation. She had seen how devasted you’ve been since the breakup or whatever you would call it. You had been going out more with Jess and still smiling and laughing the same, but once Roman had been near, you always went quiet. You wanted to hide. As if you were embarrassed. Cause you were. He had proven your parents right in your head. You were unlovable. He didn’t love you back. But you loved him. But you wish you kept it to yourself.

You had sat at the bar, putting on a front in front of Willa. You ordered a drink, deciding to talk to her instead of focusing on your issues. Logan made a speech, but you ignored it. You didn’t give a fuck enough. Roman had finally built the courage to finally get you to speak to him. “Hey- uh y/n, I need to talk to you about this fucking bullshit you set up. Can we just-?” He said loud enough for everyone around you both to hear. You, being his assistant, couldn’t say no. You downed another drink before following him.

He shut the door behind the two of you. “Wow- great plan. You think of it all day?” You asked him.

“Would you shut the fuck up?” He blurted out quickly. “I- I really- I didn’t know how I fucking felt that day. But being in Turkey and those men putting guns in my fucking face made me realize that- I don’t know- I thought I’d die and you would hate me forever” He tried to say whatever came to mind.

“So nearly getting shot is gonna make you realize how you feel about me? Me standing in front of you isn’t enough?” You asked sarcastically.

“No- I just- fuck you- you talk so fucking much… I realized that I wish I said what I wanted or else you’d think this awful thing about me… and I really really- I mean fuck- you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever- just- I didn’t stop thinking about you and I wish you knew how I felt and just I wish you were there so you could-“ He rambled. “Roman, where the fuck is this going? I don’t see the point in you telling me you wish I was a hostage too.” You crossed your arms, looking at him completely lost.

“I love you. I just- I really love you. Okay? There. Are we good now?” he prayed you would accept. You stared at him blankly before nodding. “Okay, cool…” You said before leaving him alone in the room. He just stood and watched you. He had no idea what was left to do. He felt completely helpless.

You were so annoyed. The fact he could act as if he didn’t leave you there that night to only leave you in the dark for the past couple of days about his hostage situation, despite being back for 2 days.

You sat in your room for most of the day before coming out at night for a smoke. You sat far away from the edge, lighting a cigarette. You inhaled it before tapping the ash into an ash trash that was thankfully there. You noticed Jess had been trying to find out. She sighed, coming over. She sat down, grabbing your cigarette. “You’re gonna tell me what the fuck happened. You don’t smoke all mysteriously for nothing. Now. I gave you your space. You can’t bitch about it anymore. So, what the fuck happened?”

You knew no one else would be around to hear or see you. Your emotions finally got the best of you. You lowered your head as your face scrunched up a bit before letting yourself finally cry. Jess put the cigarette down on the ashtray before pulling you into a quick hug to shield you from any possible embarrassment. “Hey-hey. Is it cause I took your cigarette?” She asked you, hoping it’d make you laugh. “I told him I loved him…. And he said cool…” you cried. Jess rubbed your back, hurt for you. She wanted to kick Roman’s ass. But she knew it wouldn’t do much for either one of you. “And just-just the fact he- well y’know… and now he tried to tell me he wished I was held hostage too. And that having a gun in his face made him think about his feelings and- it’s just such a fucking cop-out.” You cried in between your words. Jess pulled away from you, wiping your tears away from your face. “Hey- I know you’re upset… but just breathe. You’re really angry and upset. Okay?” She tried to reason. You nodded, listening to her. She wanted to give you her opinion but didn’t want to overstep. At least not for tonight. “Here. Smoke your cigarette.” She tried to see you crack a smile, taking your cigarette and putting it back in between your lips. “There’s plenty of spoiled pretentious offensive rich 35-year-olds.” She insulted Roman. It did make you smile. “Look- just finish your cigarette and let’s go to bed. I know you won't be able to sleep alone on a boat.” She knew you well enough. “Just like old times.” She giggled. You nodded, finishing off your cigarette before putting it out. You went into her room, getting dressed in pajamas that were packed. You had just some small shorts from some generic retail store and a baggy shirt. You crawled into bed with Jess before she had looked up a movie for you both to watch before knocking out for the night. Jess’s company was enough to make you relax enough to fall asleep.

The next morning, you were woken up by Jess, forcing you to leave bed. You both were late to the breakfast that was happening. You got up, brushed your teeth, and put on a semi-reasonable outfit. Just a hat, sunglasses, and a sundress.  You didn’t wanna show off how tired you actually were. You both tried to sneak past Logan. They were discussing who would be thrown under the bus. You scanned the buffet, seeing Roman with two plates with him. He flagged you over and pointed at the extra plate. He had made a plate for you, picking out everything he knew you could actually eat. He even looked everything up on his phone and asked staff, asking them possibly two or three times to make sure. You grabbed the plate from him before sitting down. Unfortunately, every seat was taken except the one to his right and another next to Willa. But Jess had taken that seat before you. She thought it was important you sat next to Roman.

You had not been paying enough attention, but everyone was shocked and trying to talk Logan down. Roman remained silent too. But now it was up to everyone to throw each other into the Lion Den. You watched the slaughter. Roman, of course, was quick to call out Frank. You picked at the food, watching them. Roman defended Gerri before everyone and even making some ‘feminist’ point, something he might’ve picked up from you before pinning Cruises on Tom. You choked on your water, holding your mouth. “Oh is that fucking funny? Huh? Oh look, Roman’s little pet is laughing and saying what he does.” Tom said offended.

“Woah Woah. Fucking watch it. I have my own goddamn mind. You’re the one following Shiv around like a baby duck with a broken fucking wing.” You struck back. “Oh look. Two people already agree. Yup. Vote Tom out.” Roman came to your defense.

“Do you really think so y/n?” Logan asked you. You shrugged, looking at Tom annoyed. “Well- after that shit awful fuck up- I don’t know. Possibly.” You mentioned. “Oh fuck off. You know they threw me in like a dead fucking cat.” Tom desperately tried to defend himself. “What’s with the animal references?” Roman laughed. “But you know, head of cruises.” Roman made a point before Tom began to stutter and try to find another defense. But he couldn’t find one. “I have been a loyal servant” Tom defended before another Roy sibling, Kendall jumped in and defended Roman’s side.

Shiv stayed quiet as she was highly considering whether to support her husband or go with what she thought was best for the business. Everyone even began to jump onto Tom, even Shiv. You would watch the heartbreak all over Tom’s face. You almost felt sorry, especially after he called you a pet. This was a shit storm. But somehow this switched to Shiv. Before Roman chose both.

You smacked Roman’s thigh, telling him to knock it off, but Roman just then decided to add Greg into the mix as well. “Yeah- no- wait. Why me? I just work with Tom. What if we added fucking y/n or Jess? Or Kerry? How the fuck would that make sense? I mean- right?” He tried to get some support.

“Why the fuck are these 3 even here?” Karl asked.

“Cause we’re fucking the captain. Fuck off Karl.” You made a snarky remark. He was annoyed enough. You weren’t helping. But Logan loved watching you join in. He knew you were quick and witty. You could be useful.

“Oh, can I watch?” Roman asked. Greg then asked for Roman to be put up. Making the point he was an awful person. But Connor saw this as a moment to find a way to get a bribe out of his father. “Connor, I’ve been working here for 3 months. And you have not once been in the office. Come on man. You gotta get ready for that campaign. It’s not gonna look good for a president to be tied to a sexual assault case. Wait never mind. Makes sense. Go for it.” You let it go. You listened to Roman giggle in your ear. Willa looked at you just as confused as Connor kept trying to plead. But Logan set this meeting to an end. He left the table to think about it and take everyone's opinion into consideration.

Most of the family had left. But Roman remained on the boat. In hope you’ll talk to him. Jess even had left, hoping you’d give Roman a chance to talk to you.

You just wanted off the boat, but in order to do so, you would have to go on a small boat and sail off. So you just stayed on. Roman eyed you down before making one last attempt. “Hey uhm- did I get most of your plate right?” He asked you. You looked up at him, confused to what he was referring to. “Breakfast… I made sure you could even eat it…” He reminded. “Oh- uh- uh- yeah- it was all vegan. Thanks…” You mumbled, trying to look distracted, but it wasn’t working. There was nothing distracting you. “Yeah- that’s good. Uh- so Frank… What a fucking shit bag huh?” He tried to extend an arm out to you. You looked at him, desperate to have him leave you alone. “What do you want Roman?” You asked him. “I don’t know- just- for this shit to be fucking- I don’t know- normal… Like- I don’t know- maybe oh my god I’m so glad you’re not fucking dead or oh my god how does your ass feel after being pounded by 4 big men?” He tried to joke. You shook your head, putting your hat on your face to hide your disappointment. “How does your ass feel Roman? Do you need a pillow for your ass?” You asked him, your voice muffled through the hat. He shook his head no, but you couldn’t see.

“Yeah- uh- no- I’m fine” he said after realizing you couldn’t see him. “Can we just- just fucking talk or something? Please?” He continued.

“What is there to talk about Rome? You didn’t love me then. And now I don’t love you now. We’re even.” You just tried to hurt his feelings. You still loved him, but that love was extremely buried down deep inside.

“You love me. Shut up. I see that little twinkle in your eye every time you look at me.” He tried to push it out of you. You pulled the hat off your face, looking up at him. “See. It’s right there.” He was desperate to get a confession out of you.

“Roman- that was before- before you yelled at me for trying to comfort you. Before you ignored me. Before you passed off my admission to you. Before you left me in the dark about the most important things that could’ve possibly happened to you. As if what I said to you didn’t matter. As if I fucking lied about loving you.” You ranted.

But all Roman could respond with was “so you do still love me.”

He caught you there. Why would you care so deeply about not knowing first unless you loved him? You stared, unsure of how to make him stop with the pestering. “Yeah- you got me.” You mumbled, getting up, ready to walk away. “Stop fucking running off. This isn’t those stupid movies you’ve shown me where the person runs away and the other chases. Cause I did that. That night. But you’re oddly fast in heels.” He tried to defend himself. You refused to look his way. He just wishes you’d let your ego go. “I love you. Alright? I do. I wouldn’t try this fucking hard if I didn’t.” He was right. You wiggled your hand away from his. “Roman- but this is the issue. You don’t learn. I can’t just forgive. You can’t get that. You don’t get to fuck up and then be automatically forgiven.” You tried to lecture him about it. “You don’t think I know that? I do. I’m the only one out of my siblings who was taught that. So, don’t give me that oh you’re a billionaire bullshit. I know how to be a person. I’m not some fucking freak who just- fuck-…” he got frustrated trying to explain his view.

You judged him. You knew he was some rich kid who was spoiled beyond belief, but Roman knew more than anyone the word no and didn’t know forgiveness easily. He had to work for people's forgiveness his whole childhood, even when he didn’t have anything to be sorry for. He had to constantly beg for forgiveness for just being there at the wrong place, wrong time.

“I just need the time Roman. I don’t know if this could be whatever it was.” You admit. You knew you’d regret it sooner or later. But for now, your mind was made up. Roman just walked off, saving himself from further embarrassment.

Notes: now it's y/n time to be an awful person hehehe

Chapter 16

[myrunawaysweets]

♡TEDDY BEAR♡

I looked up at the tv, a commercial broadcasting across the country about building yourself a walking, talking, teddy bear! Of course with different models. Their supposed to be life sized, as you make your order on the website, your able to set customized designs. Of course these aren't actually teddy bears, but they're like humanoid robots, their structure and features supposed to resemble a humans exactly, not a flaw, all for comfort, they adore you, and would basically do anything for you.

"Get your own teddy bear and build a friend for yourself today! Hop on down to our website listed here! And if your not satisfied, send em back in in the first 30 days and you get a full refund!"

Everyone from my highschool had grown apart, some started working for hero companies, some traveled to different countries, and a few of us got married. All of us had our own lives, but me being quirkless, and a bad breakup with a certain duel quirked hero, had been cooped up in my apartment for almost a month.

I have no friends so I dont have a certain reason to go out, I work at home too, so I only leave the house for groceries and supplies.

'Hey, (y/n), I'm sending you a special package, think of it as a gift, considering I'm in America, as an apology' I questioned Mina's message, but I soon succumbed to sleep on my desk in no time.

"DELIVERY"

I jumped in my chair as pain flooded my back, neck and face.

"Oh jeez... I'm only 26..."

Walking over to the door i look through the peep hole to see a girl in a delivery outfit.

""Hello! I'm here to drop off a package to ms. 'Y/n) (l/n)" she smiled, her sharp white canines almost seemed scary if it weren't for her relaxed yet energetic demeanor.

"Thats me..."

I signed the papers as the girl before me made small talk.

"I heard these are quite popular, I hope to get one someday, but thats not going to be anytime soon, if we meet again, tell me how it is! Bye!" She slowly placed the box in my livingroom and walked outside, closing the door behind her with a mischievous smile.

I looked back at the giant rectangular box, a light grunt coming from it before it fell over.

"MINA?!" I opened the box and was met with a blonde boy with crimson eyes sitting crossed-legged and covered in clothes "Are-are you okay?"

Without a word he held out his hand. Confused, I took it and was pulled into the box.

"Hey..." his voice was gruff as he hugged me tightly, sending butterflies throughout my stomache.

"I...I... do I know you?" I pulled away.

In reply he gave me a questioned yet hurt look.

"One sec, let me call Mina"

I stood up smiling awkwardly, walking towards the hallway dialing Mina's number.

"Hey (y/n)!" Her chirpy voice through the phone.

"who the hell is this guy?!"

"Do you like him?? I ordered him specifically for you! His name is Katsuki bakugou!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ORDERED-... oh my gosh, is he a-"

"Teddy bear!"

"WHAT?!"

"Well ever since you and shoto broke up, I've been really worried about you, you never really leave your house, so I'm hoping Bakugou can help you get better, make you happy since I can't be there physically for you"

"Thanks Mina... it means a lot... your the best"

"Yeah I am! Also, take good care of him! I paid extra money for him to be the way how he is! See ya love ya" she didn't even let me reply before she hung up... well thats Mina for you.

"Is everything okay?" I snapped my head to the side to see katsuki leaning against the wall.

"Yeah... so... let's get your stuff unpacked!"

We were both finishing folding all his clothes up on the couch, it was around 12 now, its the weekend so I don't really have any work to do, since I never had anything to do since me and my ex broke up... I've just focused on working.

"Hey, im done getting dressed" warm hands slithered gently on the skin of my stomache as he hugged me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Hey" I hummed quietly, still getting used to receiving affection frequently every now and then, it didn't feel bad, it was actually quite comforting "so, I dont have anywhere for you to put your stuff, but we'll work that out, but I'm not too sure on where you'll be sleeping considering my place isn't big"

"Won't I be sleeping with you??" I turned around, my gaze immediately fixating on his crimson eyes.

"With me?"

"Well I am your teddy bear" his body language was that of a pouting child, but his figure was not childlike at all.

"I-I guess so?? Okay then.. first off, lets get some lunch"

I got up to go to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" I turned around to see katsuki already at the door.

"I was going to get started on the Ramen..."

"Lets go out, this place is stuffy as hell..."

I kinda got used to this so it didn't really bother me, I never thought it would make anyone else uncomfortable though.

"Okay, lets go" I had quickly grabbed my shoes, keys and was about to grab my wallet but my hand was slapped away.

"I'll pay"

"But you dont-!"

"Mina gave me some money to treat you" he lifted his hand to reveal a thick wad of cash.

My jaw dropped at the sight.

"Now let's go" he grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me outside.

The walk was quiet, but awkward, did he feel awkward? He didn't let go of my hand while we walked the streets, or seemed bothered at all.

I opened my mouth to break the silence but was interrupted.

"Pro hero Shoto has saved the day once again! With his duel quirks, he's prepared for anything!" I looked ahead and was greeted with the one person I wanted to see the least.

"You know him?" I looked up at katsukis words.

"Yeah... he's my ex boyfriend... we used to date, up until a rumor started circulating around saying him and another pro were a thing, and then he left me for her" I smiled lightly at the ground, a bitter taste in my mouth as I remembered the events.

"Tch, he looks like he's full of it" I stiffled a laugh as katsuki mocked my ex.

》3rd pov《

Katsuki noticed how your mood improved when he made a remark about the pro.

"That half and half bastard must have his head too far up his ass to ditch you" he smirked, looking at your face through the corner of his eye to watch your reaction.

Your smile was beautiful, like dazzling diamonds. Your laugh like the best masterpiece of music made by the gods. He wanted more.

"He must be messed up in the head or something" you laughter only fueled his behavior.

"Who must be messed up in the head?" Your giggles stopped when you two realized who spoke in front of you.

A tall man with white hair on one side of his head which opposed the red half, stood in front of the two.

"Sho- todoroki! We were just-"

"We were talking about you, dickwad" katsuki cut you off and glared at the guy.

You could feel a drop of sweat make itself down the side of your face as you felt the awkward tension rise.

Todoroki turned to you "Who is he?"

"He's... my... " you looked at katsuki and panicked "my boyfriend!"

Todoroki looked somewhat shocked, as did katsuki who quickly shrugged it off and played along.

"Your... boyfriend?" Todoroki couldn't grasp the situation properly.

"Yeah, whats it to you" katsuki slung his arm over your shoulder as your face heated up.

"I just... nothing... " Todoroki turned to you "I'd like to have a talk with you, privately"

You gave him a confused look "I'm not going anywhere with you, there's nothing to talk about between us" you grabbed katsuki's hand and started walking away.

Todoroki watched as you and the blonde walked away down the sidewalk, unable to tear his eyes off "there is a lot to talk about between us" he mumbled before turning his attention back at the paparazzi that had surrounded the 3.

"I swear, if he wasn't a pro, I would've punched him right then and there! Like- who does he think he is to just ask to 'talk'?! HE'S the one who broke up with ME" you were still pulling katsuki along by the hand as you ranted to no one in particular.

Katsuki stopped you and pulled you into a hug, gently combing his fingers through your hair "calm down, your blood pressure is rising, stress isn't good for the body or the mind, relax"

You were so angry you didn't even realize you were practically running, face red and hands balled in fists.

You took a moment to breathe, relaxing at the scent of burnt caramel "thanks" you looked up at katsuki and smiled.

"Thats... what I'm for" he replied, but it sounded more like a question.

"Come on! I know this great place!" You grabbed his hand again and walked down the streets to get something to eat, and a few groceries that weren't Ramen noodles.

You and katsuki had a lot of fun, the day went by fast and next thing you know, its time for bed.

"When are you coming to bed?" Katsuki huffed.

You were slouched at your computer, back towards him as you worked on a work assignment "I still have to finish a few more pages before Wednesday, I'll should be there in about an hour or so" you mumbled.

"Its already 12:40!" Katsuki pretty much screeched.

"Only 12:40? Wow, thats the first" you looked at the time and mumbled again.

Katsuki walked up to you, saved the papers and turned the computer off before picking you up bridal style, carrying you to the bedroom, plopping you down, before tucking you in.

"My work!" You thought of wiggling out, but the blankets were warm, and the air was cold, all the days you haven't had proper sleep, all the fatigue started catching up to you, and next thing you know, your passed out.

Your snores were heard beside katsuki in seconds.

"Boyfriend, huh?" He questioned, looking down at you, gently caressing your cheek "if thats what you want, then i have no objections"

》time skip a few months later《

"(Y/n)! Dinner is ready!" Katsuki called from the kitchen in his pink bunny apron.

You two have gotten a lot closer since then, he does the house work, and you earn the money, it really did feel like you two were a couple, but that had gone unspoken about since the incident with Todoroki.

You snuck up from behind him and hugged him, nuzzling your face into his back making him go stiff as he held back a laugh.

"What did you make?" You were getting ready for a business trip to hosu city, your coworkers voted you to go for it since they were all antisocial and you actually had someone to go with. You were exhausted, but the bags were packed.

"I made miso soup with yakimeshi and yakitori"

You looked down at the foods. Katsuki had always been great at cooking, you weren't sure how he knew or where he learned it from but you didn't mind it at all.

You set up the table and you both began to eat.

He always looked calm and peaceful as he ate, thank goodness the teddy bears run off of food instead of gas or something, otherwise you'd probably be broke.

Your eating was disrupted as a knock sounded from the door. Katsuki began to stand up but you waved him off as you were closer to the door anyways.

"Hello-" you were met with a pair of blue and grey heterochromic eyes.

"You haven't been replying to my text messages so I thought I'd finally come check if you still lived here" his words were a bit slurred as his cheeks were dusted pink. His suit was wrinkled and he wreaked of alcohol "I really missed you, (y/n)" he stumbled inside and draped his self on you, making you yelp at the sudden weight on you as he tried to kiss you.

"I blocked you months ago" you pushed his face away, but his hold on your waist didn't waver.

"(Y/n)? Is something wrong?" Katsuki walked in and froze in the hallway.

Todoroki glared at the blonde as he held you close "hes still here?"

"Well he IS my boyfriend!" You tried wiggling out as the two continued to glare at eachother.

"Get. Your. Hands. Off. Her. NOW" katsuki was pissed, and that was an understatement.

Katsuki walked towards you and tried to pry the duel quirked hero off of you.

"Let go! She loves me! We were just on a rough patch!" Todoroki growled, his grip tightening on you as his quirks started activating slowly, one arm starting to get lightly coated with ice while the other started heating up.

"Like hell you were! She was broken hearted! You left her, for some dumb bitch!" Katsuki growled, his hands creating little sparks from his mimic quirk.

You screamed as todoroki's quirk finally let loose, burning one arm and freezing the other.

Todoroki let go in a flash, pain evident in his eyes as katsuki caught you, your legs giving out as you sobbed in pain.

Katsuki cooed comforting words, his hands hovering over you, not wanting to put you in more pain. He looked up at the guy who caused this and growled "get the fuck out of our house" before pushing him out and locking the door.

Katsuki quickly started tending to your burns, one frost and one just a plain fire burn. Eventually you fell asleep after the pain subsided.

The next day katsuki tried talking you out of going to hosu with your fresh marks, but all you did was get your boss to postpone it, just until your arm was able to move more, knowing none of your coworkers would do anything.

"You need to rest" katsuki insisted, gently nudging you into the bedroom.

"I'm just getting a glass of water" you giggled.

"I could've gotten it for you" katsuki gently pushed you aside to fill the glass.

"Its been 3 days, come on" you laughed.

"3 days isn't enough, an average human takes weeks to recover properly from something like that"

You watched as katsuki worked lately "katsuki, thank you for taking care of me, I never knew how much I needed you"

As soon as you finished your sentence, katsuki stopped his movements.

"Us teddy bears, can develope different characteristics, and emotions, just like a human, to better understand the human population... we... I am always at your command no matter what" he looked at you, now fully faced towards you "I... am yours... yours alone"

What did he mean by this?

"I'm sorry to say this to you, but you can send me back to the company and scrap me, get replaced by a different one, but I love you, (y/n)"

You stood still.

"Like in the way, that you once loved that half and half bastard" he mumbled, handing you the glass.

"I don't know how to respond to this katsuki..."

"Then don't, im at ease now that you know, just being able to be beside you is enough" he cupped the side of your face "but I am just a robot after all in the end"

That night you couldn't sleep.

What did you feel towards katsuki? Lately you two had been living like a couple, every moment was blissful, almost like a dream.

Next thing you know, weeks had passed and you were on your way to hosu, the train had stopped at around 7pm, the meeting was tomorrow.

Katsuki never brought the topic up, or bugged for an answer... its like it never happened.

"I'm pretty sure the hotel is this way" you sighed, tired of walking already.

Katsuki was carrying both of the bags as you navigated through the empty streets.

"(Y/n)" you turned your head to see a figure approaching.

"What do you want, motherfucker" katsuki growled, his crimson eyes seemingly glowing.

When the man finally stepped into the street light, you recognized his heterochromic eyes immediately.

"Quiet, Dog" Todoroki snapped "the adults are talking"

"Dont you talk to katsuki like that!" You snapped, stepping in front of him, protectively.

"(Y/n), kitten, how much longer are we gonna fight? Its tearing me apart" Todoroki ignored your statement and started walking towards you, pain very evident in his eyes "cant you see how much you need me?"

"I don't need you, and I dont care what this is doing to you" you grimaced in disgust.

"Its because of him, isn't it?" Todoroki focused his eyes at katsuki who now had the bags on the ground "what do you think the media will think of you dating a villain?"

Your mind was struck with confusion. Just what was he getting at?

"What do you mean, asshole?" Katsuki now stood beside you.

"Pro hero Shoto, takes down villain and his lover, who was deceived so hurtfully" shoto got his stance ready "officer I just happened to be in the neighborhood when I seen this suspect of a recent murder walking down the street with this nice lady, and when I walked up to confront him, he attacked, inevitably leading to this poor souls death"

"Leave us alone Todoroki!" You almost cried from fear "this is illegal, I'll tell the police!"

"Darling, you forget about Stockholm syndrom"

"Get over here you bastard!" Katsuki barked, throwing his first punch at the pro.

Todoroki dodged, grabbing his wrist and burning it.

By the time the smoke had cleared, shoto had seen katsuki's circuits exposed, smoking ever so slightly.

"Your a-"

"A robot, yeah, I know, but at least I'm able to notice her worth before anything else, you scum" katsuki snarled, a smile on his face.

Todoroki sent a streak of ice aiming at the blonde.

"Shut your mouth!" He yelled, "you have no idea what your talking about!"

Katsuki barely managed to dodge the attack.

"Your just programed to love her!" Todoroki smiled crazily.

"No" katsuki stood up, the skin around his eye was ripped off as sparks flew off of him "I was programed to take care of her needs. Feed her. Keep her healthy. But I was never programed to love her... not like I do now"

"Your such a load of bullshit" Todoroki growled "Just come here (y/n)!" Todoroki reached for you.

Next thing you know he goes flying to the side by a blast.

You look where it came from and seen Katsuki with his hand outstretched, with his other hand in a circle.

"Protocol AP shot... leave. or i will call the police" Katsuki's voice never sounded more powerful.

"You think they'll listen to a robot? I'm a human, nonetheless the number 2 hero-"

"I have footage that is already downloaded onto the motherboard of you threatening to kill, someone who you thought was a human, without hesitation"

Todoroki glared at the busted open robot before fleeing the scene.

Katsuki smirked before falling to his knees.

"System failure. leakage of fluid and damaged parts are detected" Katsuki's voice sounded robotic as he spoke.

"Katsuki!" You ran to his side, getting onto your knees to examine what was wrong and how you could fix it "why would you do that?!"

Tears blurred your vision.

"You know why, (y/n)" he cupped your cheek, forcing you to look into his eyes.

His usually warm hands were now very cold and metallic against your skin.

"You... love me?" You managed to whisper.

He nodded "I'm sorry, but now you're sure to get a free replacement or something, or even money back"

You sobbed into his neck "dont go... please, your all i have"

"I'm sorry (y/n)-n)... but m-my body-y-y-y is t-too damaged" his voice malfunctioned.

"I cant say goodbye" you looked into his eyes, his face cold in your hands.

"You dont have to... I'm already-y gone" he smiled before his face fell limp and his red eyes turned grey.

You screamed in sadness, not knowing who to call.

》time skip, its now Christmas《

"Merry Christmas (y/n)!" Mina yelled, walking through the doorway of your house.

As soon as Mina opened her eyes she was met with a dark room, save for the computer screen. Clothes were piled on the floor, Ramen noodle cups were in heaps in your small waste bin.

"This place is a mess!" Mina sighed. Walking over to you.

"Its not that bad" you sighed, bags under your eyes.

"I know you've been very distraught since katsuki..." her voice trailed off before continuing "but you need to take better care of yourself!"

You looked up at the pink girl, tears in your eyes at the mention of his name "Whats the point?"

Mina sighed, placing a bag in the corner of your room before walking towards the door "I'll be back in a few days, I have patrol tonight, see you" Mina smiled before walking out the door.

You were alone again... no Mina... no katsuki... just you and and empty bed...

Why would this happen? He meant everything to you...

The sounds of knocking on your door brought you attention away from the blonde man.

"Delivery!" A familiar voice sounded from the front door.

"Coming..." you dragged your feet on the floor, cracking the door open.

"Delivery to (y/n) (l/n)" she handed you a small box.

You signed the papers and brang the box inside, placing it onto the table.

You started crying... she was the one who brang katsuki...

.

.

.

"(Y/n)! I placed your Christmas gift under the tree, I gotta go, a villain was spotted near xxxx, love ya!"

You opened your eyes after you heard the front door close.

Whats the point of Christmas? No ones here, no decorations accept the tree in the corner of your livingroom.

Under the tree were several gifts. Dozens of small ones, and a couple of big ones.

"Lets start with this one" you opened the box that was pretty small. Opening it to see a note and a ruby necklace.

'Dear (y/n), merry Christmas, I'm very happy that you accepted me as your teddy bear. Every day, you made life seem so amazing and I'm glad I can experience it with you.

-Katsuki

You put it on, smiled at it before continuing with the presents. Each gift from katsuki, making you smile, some were cute, some were edgy, and some were funny... he really knew you.

Time for the last one, it was the biggest but it wasn't nearly as tall as the tree.

You didn't need to check the tag to know it was from katsuki.

"What did you get me thats this big, you dummy?" You mumbled, slightly excited.

You opened the box.

You were barely able to comprehend anything.

There sitting on his knees, was katsuki bakugou, his eyes closed and posture straight.

"Katsuki?" Your voice came out as a whisper, tears stinging your eyes.

As soon as he heard your voice, he opened his eyes to see you.

"(Y/n)-"

Before he could finish the first word of his sentence, you tackled him with a hug, tears streaming down your face.

"I Love you too!"

He smiled, hugging you back ever so tightly "thank you".