#but I’m still so fucking damaged

[jewishbarbies]

the way that if I want to feel like I have a mom I have to pretend that’s just who she is. I have to pretend like she doesn’t still hurt me and she’s not actually a terrible person. I don’t know how to grieve someone who’s still alive so I’m always just pretending.

[journal-from-the-heart]

i think, for trauma survivors, especially those who were emotionally abused, invalidated, or gaslit, it is really important not to underestimate the significance of speaking bluntly about what happened to you. Forcing yourself not to beat around the bush, not to downplay what you went through with your words. say what happened, without any caveats, without any “but it could’ve been worse”, “but i might just be being overdramatic”, “but it wasn’t really THAT bad,” and so forth. sit with the discomfort until you can begin to let yourself realize that it WAS that bad, you WERENT being overdramatic, and even if it could’ve been worse you still didn’t deserve it. It’s almost like a form of reclamation, taking back your memories, taking back your life, even the difficult or gross parts, and refusing to let anyone change the narrative or tell you how you should feel anymore, even yourself. and it hurts and it’s scary and it feels weird and awkward and sometimes you want to convince yourself you’re lying, but i think sitting in those weird feelings and letting yourself admit that you really did go through trauma puts the power back in your hands to process things and be compassionate to yourself while you heal

[moonkhao]

hi.

[heartless-aro]

Does anyone else find it sort of upsetting how widely popular House M.D. has seemingly become in online queer spaces with how violently acephobic and intersexist it is? Like, I don’t want to pretend that it’s only queerphobic towards aces and intersex people, because the show definitely engages in its fair share of early-2000s-typical casual transphobic and homophobic language, and I do think it’s pretty biphobic that, from what I remember of the show, they made 13 (the one canonically bisexual character) a promiscuous party girl tm.

But the show is extremely vitriolic towards intersex and asexual people, and I wish that the people who treat it like a haha funny toxic yaoi show would at least fucking acknowledge that. The show actively reinforces the ideas about intersex bodies which are used to justify the nonconsensual mutilation of intersex children. And the way the show treats asexuality is abysmal. I saw someone on here once say that it’s “funny” that House is canonically aphobic, as if it’s just a joke that the House episode about asexuality actively supports the idea that asexuals are all either liars or medically unwell and in need of “fixing”. Why is pro-conversion therapy rhetoric suddenly funny when it’s directed towards us?

I’m not saying that no one is allowed to enjoy the show at all. Hell, I used to really enjoy it too, at least before I got to the asexuality episode (shortly after finding out I’m ace and before I had ever seen even a single other representation of asexuality in mainstream media). But like. Can people at least stop outright ignoring the absolutely detrimental effects this show had on the ace community and the intersex community?

[unordinary-diary]

Blyke in Season 3.

This is my prediction. With the way Season 2 ended, I think they’ll find Blyke months later looking something like this.

Shit happens to people in prison. Terrence was murdered in his cell, Rein was worried about being killed by other inmates, hell, Blyke’s already pretty banged up in the finale and he’s been there for 2.5 seconds. Not to mention that the Authorities seem to have no problem torturing kids *COUgh* Keon.

Perhaps it’s a bit pessimistic, but the story’s been getting a lot darker lately. I doubt Blyke’s getting out of prison without a little extra trauma at least.

Latest Chapter as of Prediction: Side Story — Triple Threat (1)

[thatrandomblogsays]

Hiccup’s a better person than me for forgiving his mom, because if my mom, who I was left without and mourned my whole life, turned out to be alive and well and left me, a baby in the cradle to grow up without her all because she thought Vikings were being too aggressive to creatures that routinely burned down their houses and hated them for not changing, I’d lose my fucking. Wtffffff what was the point of having me if you weren’t going to love me

[sarellathesphinx]

Constantly torn between genuinely loving the remake timeline’s depiction of Reeve and Cait and being immensely sad that pretty much all of my favorite lines of theirs from the original were totally excised or bc of plot developments will never be said

[algolagniaa]

I can never tell if I’m being dramatic about this or not but there was a time in my late teens where I was almost literally held hostage. like I would beg and plead with my mother to take me with her to the grocery store bc I hadn’t been allowed to leave the house in over a week and I desperately needed to go SOMEWHERE and she would say no. and I couldn’t just leave by myself bc uhh a number of factors some that were manufactured by my parents and some that were legit had convinced me very deeply of my own incompetence. and this went on for years and was the worst time of my entire life especially since I was also pretty much being shunned by my whole family and also recovering from a TBI. it was bad enough that marrying Levi Loggins looked like a ticket into freedom. and I always feel like I’m back there. Covid made me feel like I was back there and this makes me feel like I’m back there a lot bc I didn’t have a car then either

[coldswarkids]

literally have no patience for people who ghost me and, when I reach out and apologize for what may have gone wrong and ask what I did so that I can make amends and understand, completely and entirely dodge the question and respond coldly or not at all. fuck all y’all actually

[fictional-men-enthusiast]

Old Flesh + The Parliament is conservatism.

I said what I said and I’m not taking it back.

[ranger-danger]

Dnd people who hate rangers are so funny. Oh you love bards, but think rangers are useless in combat? That’s rich. Next you’ll tell me you love monks, but think rangers are too weak. What do you love sorcerers and think rangers suck?

[blueookashi]

I am being so slow at that one Library animation and it’s because that perfectionism of “it HAS to be consistent it HAS to look good!!” Has come back meanwhile I’m working on the god damn STORYBOARD!!!

I am trying so hard to kill that part of my brain that is so ingrained because of past shit, like even if I was at the refinement stage why does it need to look perfect?? This is supposed to be for fun!

[unfortunatelyilikebnha]

Halfway there yippee!! Someday my little “Klee & her babysitters/family” team will be a reality and I will run around the overworld with them to blow stuff up, meta be damned!!

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

i’m rewatching only murders in the building and i am once again reminding everyone that theo dimas is the character of all time and i would kill and die for him.

[pinkfey]

older siblings on this website r soooooo annoying but also i know my experience is not universal 💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️

[sparklecryptid]

Because I'm in the mood for angst at the moment - well, I suppose I should preface this by saying that I generally like Regis? It's just - sometimes, it's just *so satisfying* to /blast/ the occasional character. (Usually those in some position of authority.) So - remember the Regis-Kills-Ace-Before-Ace-Is-Implausibly-Resurrected scenario? Imagine if that happened in All The Bastards (1/2)

(2/2) None of the Bastards will ever forget this. Or ever trust Regis

-

It takes a second for Ardor to realize what has happened. In the second it takes him to realize that there is a hole where Ace’s presence in his magic once sat like a gathering storm Jules eyes have widened to saucers behind her thick glasses.

“No,” she says and it’s desperate and pleading and she looks at Ardor for assurance when Ardor has none. He’s frozen and curling his magic inward to look for any sign that Ace is still there. Any sign that his brother is being cruel and not dead. “No. No! Where did Ace go? Ardor - Ardor please where is he? Why can’t I feel him anymore? What happened to our brother?”

Her voice break at the end and Ardor can do nothing but catch her as she throws herself into his arms and sobs.

-

Persephone is cleaning. It’s her day off and she has plans with her husband and Ace and Nyx for dinner. She thinks that she’ll make something rice and some sort of meat and sauce. As for vegetables - perhaps some sort of tomato? Or maybe corn.

She decides on corn eventually and is in the process of pulling the cobs out of the fridge when death latches onto the bond she has with her siblings and she spares a moment to panic before the chill leaves. For a moment she thinks it was a fluke but then she realizes she can’t feel Ace anymore. All of her siblings are alive. She can feel their magic thrumming through her bonds like a live wire. Her siblings are fine.

All of them are fine except Ace. Ace’s magic has vanished and Persephone swallows the lump in her throat. She puts the corn down on her counter and reaches for her phone.

He doesn’t answer.

Persephone’s can feel the rage in her welling to uncomfortable levels. Ace is hers. Her brother. Her brother. Hers.

He doesn’t get to die without them. He doesn’t get to die when she can prevent it.

Persephone calls Ardyn.

He doesn’t answer either.

-

Thanatos is fine.

He is fine.

His little brother could be dead - could because unless there is a corpse in front of him Thanatos is not going to believe Ace let something as stupid as death take him - Ace could be dead and Thanatos knows that he should do something. He knows that he is shaking and that his eyes are glowing and maybe studying forbidden magic was a bad idea because the ground beneath his feet cracks open.

He usually has more control than that. But his brother could be dead.

His brother could be dead.

Thanatos lets out a hysterical laugh and blindly reaches his magic out for Ace’s. If Ace is alive Thanatos will find him. If Ace is dead Thanatos won’t find anything.

Thanatos doesn’t find anything.

He reaches out again, latching onto Ardyn’s magic and Thanatos makes a truly stupid decision. Without a beacon, without anything to guide him but his Uncle’s magic Thanatos forces himself into a warp and finds himself in Regis’ throne room.

“Hey,” Thanatos says as he stumbles in between Regis and Ardyn, “Where the fuck is my brother?”

-

Mercury and Jupiter are in Niflheim when Ace’s magic fades.

An MT helmet is crushed in Jupiter’s grip.

“Hey,” Jupiter says, “Can you find out where Uncle is?”

Mercury is frozen in spot. Stilled for once as too many scenarios run through her mind that she hadn’t ever needed to think about before. Ace was never supposed to die.

“Hey!” Jupiter drops the helm and stalks toward her sister. She grabs Mercury’s face in her hands. “We aren’t gonna find out anything if you freeze up! Where the fuck is Niflheims Chancellor?”

Mercury pushes Jupiter away and pulls out a cellphone.

“Give me a minute.”

-

Bard pause. She thanks her audience and stands up. She packs her instrument away and calmly makes her way to an alleyway. A quick soundproofing spell ensures she won’t be overheard.

She takes a breath.

She screams at the top of her lungs. What happened to her brother? Why can’t she feel him? What happened to her brother?

She doesn’t know. She opens the group chat to find everyone freaking out but neither Thanatos or Ardyn are online.

Neither is Ace.

Bard takes another breath.

Her brother has to be fine.

He has to be.