#but I still feel empty and I think my art hasn't got much to do with it after all

[beastblade69]

almost 7 am. and I cannot let go of one thought: I don't feel like I'm an artist. I don't even know where it comes from I just know that I feel incomplete and unserious. my works aren't what I'd like my art to be. and honestly I'm ashamed that I cannot be the type of artist I would like to be. sometimes. mostly I feel horrible because my off college projects are just sketches on sketches and never fully rendered artworks. sometimes I feel like my artstyle is beyond childish and I want my art to be serious. but on the other hand it's authentic. it didn't appear from anywhere, it was formed year by year. still nothing fits for me. like I'm losing my rhythm. my style is. idk it's fancy fpr sketches but overall I don't really know what to say about it. sometimes I like it but mostly I'm doubting whether it's really how my art shall look like. and academic shit sucks. and I hate paint altho I would LOVE to try painting but I just lack the energy to explore new medias. that's it. i feel like being an artist equals never feeling good enough. for me it's always feeling sick and incomplete

[elsa-fogen]

I love your art so much! I also really like your take on the RadioRose dynamic. Especially the "I want to try NOPE NEVERMIND" because its so relatable! Sometimes, you get curious, and then you remember the Horrors/Disgust.

Makes me wonder a bit about how Rosie "tried to rizz the unrizzable for 40 years" reacted intially to Vox also trying to do just that (just being much more pathetic and obsessive about it). Did she try to tell him he's chasing something nonexistent? If she was antagonistic to Mimzy at first, I can't imagine Vox getting more than 1 warning if that much lmao

Finally, a question - do you allow fics to be based off of your work if you are credited? And do you have an AO3 one could gift such works to?

Thank you so much 💖💖 About relatable - yeah i guess. Thanks to Alastor i'm more sure that I'm ace (and maybe aro as well) ahaha

At first Vox and Alastir were Just Friends, maybe first few years, but then Vox got crush on Al and Alastor suddenly started to feel uncomfortable around him. Rosie noticed that and understood what was happening to Vox (maybe even earlier that him vfdkjfjhdhhkfg) and told him that she and Alastor are married, just to protect Alastor from Vox's unwanted attention (and she still kinda hoped to rizz Alastor and make this lie a reality)

But in the end (when Vox discovered that it was a lie) she let Alastor to deal with Vox himself (i'm sure if Rosie handled that, they wouldn't hate each other now at least)

As for the question, i totally don't mind!! And i'd be really glad to read them!!! But you need to know, if you want me to read it, you need to give it to me anywhere else but AO3 because the damn site doesn't work in my country and using vpn is pain in the ass (it breaks other sites that work fine and makes my internet really slow). You can give me as pdf or in google docs, that's more convenient options i think.

I think i got an account there long time ago?? I'm not sure if it was AO3 tho. but it was inactive all this time anyway. If they don't delete inctive accounts, you can search for different variations of "Elsa Fogen" (like ElsaFogen or Elsa_Fogen) and if there an empty account that hasn't been active in past 6-8 years - that's probably mine djhfhfjdhhdf

(there's also a new site for fanfiction and it works for me but i'm not gonna make you make an account there just for me)

[moonynaturesethetic]

Quiet...But Loyal (Teen Wolf X Mute!Reader) - Chapter 1

September 25th, 2013 Japan, The Yukimura Reserve

Y/n was now 16, but still as mute as ever, while her sister Kira was 17. The Yukimura family was in their home in Japan, when Ken suddenly yelled for the girls to come downstairs.

"Y/n! Kira! Come downstairs, we need to talk!"

Both of the said girls walked out of their rooms at the same time, their looks saying 'Oh God, what did we do?' and they both walked downstairs together. Their mother and father had been sitting on a couch in the living room, both waiting for the two girls.

"Come, sit." Noshiko said, gesturing to the empty couch in front of her and Ken. Kira and Y/n sat next to each other, glancing at each other before looking at their parents.

"What is it?" Kira asked curiously, while Y/n tilted her head curiously.

"We are moving soon, more likely in the next month." Noshiko said, being straight forward and bland.

'WHAT?!" Kira said, extremely shocked by this information, while Y/n just looked happy in general to be moving, she didn't really care much since she didn't have a lot of friends. Kira was the one who had at least some friends, Y/n would normally just skip school. Yet she somehow managed to have straight A's, and the only classes she didn't skip were English and Art. Her parents knew about it, but they didn't care much since she was still getting good grades, but they told her that by next year she needed to do better.

"Yes, your father got a new job opportunity and it was in Beacon Hills, California at their local high school. Since we are moving, we decided we would transfer you guys over there as well." Noshiko said.

"But what about all my old friends? And why do we have to leave Japan?" Kira asked, whining slightly.

"Come on now Kira, it won't be that bad, and plus you get to make some new friends, and you have a phone for a reason sweetheart." Ken said, smiling.

Y/n looked at her family, specifically Kira, and signed 'Besides, it's not like we had many friends, and I know you do but I don't. It would also be good to try exploring new places and meeting new people, this could be good for us, come on Kir.' Y/n signed, smiling.

"Yeah, what your sister said, and this time maybe you could try making some new friends too Y/n." Ken said. That made Y/n instantly start shaking her head no, smile dropping immediately.

"Yes sweetheart, and you better try making it to class. This is a new school sweetheart, and we cannot afford to let you skip as much as you did. I understand that you get picked on, but maybe this new school will be different, and you can actually make some friends. Give it a try, but if it still doesn't work then stay in with your father during break and lunch, so that way you don't have to face anyone." Noshiko said. This made Y/n think for a second. It was true, Y/n did get picked on quite frequently since she was mute, and her family knew it too.

They tried everything they could, talking to the office, switching schools, but nowhere seemed like a good fit for her. Kira, having a feeling that Y/n needed some comfort, reached her hand out towards Y/n, and smiled at her. This made Y/n feel just a slight bit better, but she was still anxious, she didn't know what Beacon Hills was like, and she hasn't stepped foot in America since she was adopted by the Yukimura's.

"Maybe mom and dad have a point, let's give it a try, and if things still don't work out, then we can try something else, but I will try to protect as much as I can Y/n/n." Kira said, putting her hand on Y/n's shoulder.

"Better yet, I'll be there too. Nothing will happen this time, and I will make sure of it." Ken said.

Y/n hesitated a bit more, and after some thinking, she finally nodded yes, deciding that maybe this was different. At least she hoped it was.

But oh boy did she hope, maybe a little too hard.

October 27th, 2013 Beacon Hills High School

Y/n and Kira were now at the high school, and they had been in Beacon Hills for about three weeks, but they haven't quite started school yet since the semester hadn't started, but now it had, and they had to go to their brand new school now. Kira was extremely nervous, since she knew she was most likely going to have to make some new friends. While Y/n, knew that she was most likely going to stick in her father's classroom during lunch, and keep to herself, no matter how much of a bubbly and bright person she was to those she knew, she understood that being at a new school was going to be hard, so she would wait to at least try and put herself out there.

The two girls were at the school now, and they were becoming Juniors, and going into the first semester. Normally Y/n would have been in Sophomore year, but she got bumped up a grade so she was with her sister. Yes, it meant more school work, but that didn't bother her, as she was used to doing a lot of work.

When the bell rang, the two girls were already in their fathers classroom, and then they took their seats in the back, Kira sitting in front of Y/n. Teens started filling up in the room, some chatting with their friends from the previous year, and some just sitting down.

"Hello class, my name is Mr. Yukimura and I will be your new History teacher this year. Some of you might know my two daughters, Kira and Y/n, or you might not since they never brought a friend home yet, or even socially interacted with anyone." Ken said.

Those words made Kira bang her head on the table, into her arms, while her sister who was behind looked up from her book, her face holding an awkward expression. Kira slowly lifted her head up with an awkward smile, while Y/n looked around at everyone with a shy look. She really wanted to dig herself a grave and put herself in it right now.

"Yep, that's them. Anyways, moving on with today's lesson...." As Mr. Yukimura kept talking, the class took their attention away from the two girls, except for this one boy, who had dark brown hair and brown eyes. He kept staring at Kira, sometimes glancing at Y/n, but mostly keeping his gaze on Kira, and Kira stared back awkwardly. Y/n looked between the two with curious eyes. Her gaze landed on the boy before returning back to her sister. After a moment it clicked, and Y/n immediately looked back down at her notebook. That boy was staring at her sister with doe eyes! Y/n took a note in her notebook, "Note to self, pretty brunette boy was staring at Kira with heart eyes."

The boy finally turned away after his friend in front of him tapped his desk with a pencil to get his attention. Kira returned to listening to her father teach, while Y/n sat there thinking, but she was also taking notes too. She was thinking about what this new school was like, and about that boy that was staring at her sister, she would have to get his name sometime. She has a feeling she was gonna see him again soon.

She had a gut feeling however. Why did she feel like something bad was going to happen soon? 

[alltoomaples]

life in film - LN

pairing: fem!uni student x lando norris

synopsis: after a year-long of hard work, the day was finally here where you present your portfolio project. you're family and friend circle has joined but will lando be able to reach there on time?

type: writing + picture portfolio

a/n: here's the much-awaited and most polled-in for the write-up! part 2 of love.jpg is here! ngl i feel this can be read alone as well as part but you readers can decide whichever way you wish to read i don't and won't mind <33 (linked down below). a bit of reference was used from the film 'five feet apart' as on the previous day, i binge-watched it (yes i do bing watch this movie for unhealthy times) and the monologue kinda gave an inspiration to write for this part. i must say the writing got way longer than i anticipated hence i had to skip the insta au part. although i think the end is quite an unexpected surprise in my opinion? lemme know what you folks think? now, i'll be working on our poll winner 2 and i'd be happy to take in any requests if you have :))

until next one, happy reading <;33

pre-part: love.jpg

. . . .

You were pacing around the backstage, feeling all anxious and panicky as the day you were looking for was finally here!

Your project portfolio presentation.

A year full of waiting now feels like a moment gone by and yet, you were very grateful of the journey that you had. Your family, friends, Lan, and professors have helped and guided you throughout the process, keeping you sane.

"Y/N, the show's about to start! get down to the staging area please" the lady annouced as you nodded to her.

You turned around the room to see whether Lando could make it as it was his last race of the triple race weekender and although you said it's totally fine if he couldn't make it yet Lando being Lando, he promised you he'd be there. quoting his own words, "i wouldn't miss it for the world and i will be there, bubba"

You get to the side staging area and tries to sneak at the couple front rows. You see that your and Lando's family was seated with a couple of your friends and the quadrant squad. you smiled at them, even waved back at baby Mila when she saw you and squealed. and yet, a deep sigh leaves your lips as you see the empty seat beside Max.

He still hasn't reached here. yet?

You fiddled with the ring on your hand and quickly took your phone when it beeped. it was a message from Max.

from Maxy: he's on his way y/n/n. don't worry about it! ps: if he doesn't, then we'll kick his ass fr. your word will be my command, your highness😤

Silent laughter resulted once you read his texts as you looked at him and shook your head.

You heard people's whispers, and as you turned around, the anchor of the event walks up behind you and enters the stage, meaning the show was about to begin.

"Welcome to one and all present here today! it's an honor and privilege to showcase the works done by our talented students of the graduating batch 2022-23" a round of applause echos the auditorium.

. . . .

Few presentations later, the anchor of the event walks up behind me, about to leave for the stage entrance, indicating its your turn.

You quickly opened your phone and texted Lando.

to Lan <3: hey bubba! im about to go on stage now. and before you say anything bad about yourself, its totally fine and don't blame yourself for it bubs. and maybe, I'll give you a private presentation? anywhoo, wish me luck xx

"You're up in a few mins y/l/n. you ready?" the lady approaches to you. You took a deep breath on and nodded.

"And here's our final student who has set her portfolio with an outstanding theme and work of art and graded first rank of her batch, Ms. y/n y/m/n y/l/n"

As the mic was handed over to you, your phone went off. It was a text from Lando.

from Lan <3: you don't need luck cause your lucky charm is here xx

You were slightly confused and before you could register what he meant, you're now walking onto the stage, and the audience applauds, your fam corner goes a bit wild, hyping you up.

You set your speech papers in front of you. And took another deep breath as the audience went silent.

"Greetings to esteem team and faculty members, my colleagues and everyone gathered here today. I am y/n l/n, a very proud graduate in photography and graphic design. And today is not just any ordinary day but it's much more special ordinary day that I've been waiting for a whole year" you say, with smile on your face as you look to the crowd.

And just like that, there he stood. At the entrance gate, very much like in movies.

Now, it made sense. Your lucky charm is finally here.

"Ladies and gentlemen, here i present my portfolio, 'Life in film'" you say proudly, as the projector starts showing your cover page on the big screen.

As soon as the picture is shown on screen, a loud applause echoes, making your head turn in the direction of sound. Lando was the one who made the whole audience clap once again. A smile crippled on your way as you nudged your nose. Lando walked over to his seat quickly, keeping one of his hands over his heart as he nudged his nose back at you.

it was a sign that the two of you made, similar to eskimos' kiss (long distant version).

"Life on film. The name is very simple, minimal, and a daily basis terminology in our lives. So what's the purpose of this theme? You might think what makes such a simple concept of life an extraordinary one?" you say, as you look down at the paper you had in front of you, but then you looked at the ring on your finger. And then looked towards your squad. You show your hand at the big screen and the next slides play along, showing a couple of pictures you shot.

"Well, we humans tend to overlook life. We've stopped taking time and appreciate what we have. The bright sunny sky we rarely see in the UK, a string of laughter from a little baby, flowers blossoming in spring, an old couple walking hand in hand. A moment of stillness amongst the chaos, a moment of laughter, contentment, and love," you say, looking at your loved ones.

The looks on everyone's faces were the best reward you could ever receive! Even Lando's expressions spoke volumes of how much he was amused and in awe by your works. You were getting a bit overwhelmed with joy by seeing this and felt like your heart would burst out of so much happiness. Then, you decided to speak from what your heart says as you folded your speech sheet.

"Life could give some tough times, but it's during these times we remember what our purpose is. That even the sour lemons could be made into lemonade. You just have to find the sweetness, your lucky charms," you say, looking at Lando. You saw everyone around him cooing at him, making him blush.

"From being a small girl who'd roam around with her dad's camera, dreaming her life revolve around films and polaroid, and here's she is! chasing her dreams with her lucky charm, " you say, showing the ring on your finger. People in the audience said, 'aww', as were from your squad side.

"A second turn into a minute, into an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, and so does it goes. Yet how crazy it is to be able to live life to its fullest, and not just for those successful moments, but for small, big, and everything in between moments! Cause life's too short to waste a second" you say, as the final picture is being shown.

A picture of you and Lando on the day he proposed you, 4 months back.

"And that's life on film! thank you, everybody, for being here! and special shoutout to my parents and Lan's for all the guidance and love, siblings and quadrant squad for all the support" you say, looking at them and then, looking at the person who's your everything.

"And to the most important person with whom i don't think i could have achieved this without him. my project partner, the boyfriend at the start to now, my fiancé, Lando, " you say, getting a bit teary-eyed as you look at him.

"Thank you for choosing me as your partner cause i can't think of anyone else with whom i would have done this!" You say, voice getting a bit crackling. And as soon as you turned the mic off and took a bow, the lights of the room turned on, and the whole room stood up, applauding and cheers of hoots erupting the room.

Lando didn't think twice as he stood and ran up towards the stage and engulfed you in a tight hug as he picked and spun the two of you around.

"You made it very on time, Mr. Norris" you said, tugging by his coat as he put you to the ground, arms still around your waist.

"I promised you I'd be here. And you did an outstanding and amazing..." he starts rambling, making you laugh as a tear slipped out your eye. before you get it, Lando holds your face in his hands, wiping the tears off while he still continues his ramble of appreciation for you.

"... and gorgeous and adorable work of masterpiece!! I'm soo proud and lucky to be your partner, my future Mrs. Norris" he says, tugging you an inch closer to him.

"Your future Mrs. Norris?? I love how that sounds" you whisper to him, with a smug expression on your face.

"I bet our lives would be a sweet sweet lemonade of lucky charms" Lando says, making the two of laugh before you two pull in for a kiss. You two pull back with a smile and look at the crowd. Lando takes a step back as he raises both his hands and takes a bow at you, making you feel so special, and then photographers capture it as well.

get yourself a goofy gentleman who treats you like a queen and makes you laugh out loud, ladies!

. . . .

Then the two of you lead your way to you squad where both the families hugged you, congratulate, and said that they were so proud of you today. the sibling and quadrant squad did the same as well as asked for copies of your portfolio.

And as you were on your way to the exit, Lando pulled you behind carefully as you had baby Mila in your arms.

"I wanted to ask about that private presentation you texted me earlier" He whispers into your ear, and then proceeds to cover Mila's ears with his hands.

"Is the offer still open??" Lando says, sending shivers down your spine.

"Lando Norris! there's a baby between us" you whisper shout at him.

"Henceforth, covered her ears" he says, a bit frustrated with the lack of answer. You shrug his hands off the baby's ears and walks ahead, Lando following you.

"C'mon baby mils, let's leave your uncle Norris behind and get you on a nap" you say, say you nudge your nose into her belly making her giggle faintly as you saw she was getting sleepy.

"I guess, Uncle Norris gets his presentation later tonight then?" he asks, a tad bit of hope in his tone. You get to the car seat and buckle Mila up.

"You are all good to go baby Mi! You say. once you're all set with Mila, you turn around to meet with Lando, standing close by.

"and I'll see what i could do for you, Mr. Norris" You smoothen his collar of the coat as you leaned in and whispered, with a smile.

"How did i ever got so lucky?" He whispers, pulling you close before you walked by. You squish his cheeks with one hand.

"I guess it's the lucky charms?" you say, with thinking face, making Lando laugh.

"Thank god for that lemonade season" He says, making both you reminisce the day where it all began for the two.

. . . . memory unfolds

"Lemons are soo bitty. So would the lemonade be bitty too, mama and mama norri" the 3-year-old you asked as you stood in the kitchen, watching the two besties, your mom and Cisca make lemonade.

"Sweetheart, even the sour lemons can be made into lemonade. You just gotta add sweetness" your mom says, Cisca carrying the jar of sugar.

"Oohhh i hear lemonade" yells the 4-year-old Lando as he ran into the kitchen and sat next to you. The dads entering the room as they had came back from Lando's go-kart practice.

As the glass contained only lemon juice, you stopped him from drinking it.

"That's sour lemon landoo!" you say, grabbing the glass from him and leads his along with your glass towards Cisca to add sugar.

"Sour lemons can be made into lemonade by adding sweetness, the lucky charms" you say to lando. you and lando had a phase of saying sugar as lucky charms as it was sweet as the cerals luck charms.

Cisca handed back to you the two glass you had and then you mixed it well before handing it to Lando and yourself.

Seeing this scene unfold, your parents were in awe and felt like they're witnessing something special with their kids. And without any further request, your dad picks his camera and shot a picture.

A picture with an embark of new journey. A picture that both set of parents had it framed in their house as well as their hearts.

. . . . back to present

"Yoo lovebirds, come over and have your lemonade drinks" Oliver calls over the two of you.

You two walk over to where everyone was seated and handed a now sleepy Mils to Oliver. Flo hands the drinks for the two as well as your lucky-charm sugar sachets. Once you kept the drinks down, Lando grabbed it to drink it and before he could, you grabbed his hand, stopping him to take a sip.

"That's sour lemon, landooo!" you say as you shake your head at his carelessness. You then tear the sugar sachets and add to both of your lemonades.

"How do i always forget the lucky cha- i mean sugar" Lan mumbles, enough sound for you to hear as you let out a small laugh.

As the two of you have your lemonade drinks, the parents watch the two of you as they did 20 years back. Your dad takes a picture with your camera, that you had given him to hold it for you.

And i guess, the lemonade story have captured your lives in film roll.

. . . .

am i wanting a part 3 for this, just to wrap it?? you guys let me knw ;))

check out my works: until i found you masterlist | other works

[boybitcx]

You were beautiful. Warmth was already slowly leaving your body, but the moment of death hasn't changed your features much. You were still laying beside me, with half-lidded eyes as if you were drifting off to sleep. This time you weren't going to wake up later, but no one would have guessed it, seeing peace and satisfaction on your face. Yes, you actually wanted that; you didn't lie, asking me for another acts of violence, kissing my hands covered with your fresh blood. You were sick and twisted, but well, the same could be said about me. Now I am not able to say who got more pleasure from your agony, me or you. But I know you wanted it, even when your clothes became soaked with blood, you still begged me to sink the knife deeper, you kept repeating that you want to feel that final high, the moment of sliding down into darkness. Yet, ironically, I suppose that ultimately, it was me who suffered the most. Yes, your whines, tears, grimace on your face when another bruise started blossoming on your skin, it all brought me pleasure. But now you're resting, free of sentience, while I am forced to continue living without you, without anyone who would understand me, who would complete me. Who would thank me for kissing away the blood from their wounds. If the Church is right, if there's something after death, they’re going to have quite a conundrum with you, when they discover that torturing you for your twisted mind is going to bring the opposite effect of what they want. Maybe though... maybe they will do it. Maybe your hell will be in the fact that this time I'm not the one mutilating your body. But I'll join you there eventually, there's no doubt that we belong to the same place. And nothing will hold me back from licking your blood again, I don't think that Hell cares much about it. I'm not really religious, but I'm ready to believe for that possibility. Eternal void can't match eternity at your side after all, especially when this time we're going to writhe in agony together.

I got up from the bed, and walked to the table. I reached for a glass of water and took a sip, still watching your motionless body. It was undoubtedly, shamelessly naked, even though I doubt that most people would in this moment pay any bigger attention to it. Any norms and reactions, assigned by society to natural nakedness, would be forgotten for the sight of wounds covering your body like constellations cover the night sky. And while those little works of art, admired for centuries by poets and scientists, were created either by God or nature - their authorship was a controversial matter and it depended on whom you asked - at the same time, I had no doubts that your injuries were exclusively my creation. But emptiness caused by your passing made it impossible for me to feel pride of an artist at the sight of finished work. I fulfilled your request, but without your sounds and trembling body, I couldn't enjoy the intense color of bruises even half as much as I did before.

I hesitated for a moment. I wish I could keep you in this state as long as possible, preferably until the moment when I would lay down beside you myself to join you. But I knew well it's impossible. Body doesn't last forever, in contrast to love, and it's gonna start decaying soon. It would be hard for me to leave you for the mercy of worms and to lay at night, thinking how they are the ones devouring you now. I would like to be as close as possible to you, I would like us to become one. With a slight hesitation I went to the kitchen and pulled out a butcher knife from the drawer. We didn't consider this option before, but I knew that you would appreciate it. After all, you always wished that our bodies could merge into one.

Download this story in zine form:

[ikoarts]

November 2022 Art

huh. a lot of silly doodles this month, some random stuff from my phone too, was on some silly energy i think x

vvv dates + info under the cut vvv

1 - 08/11/2022 : horse Ru but like, an actual horse. shes real. get horsed idiot. shes a bay tobiano marwari (also one i did on my phone)

2, 3 - 09/11/2022 : much silliness. was thinking of koopas again, theres barley, who is weird, and also lemmy, giving good advice x

4 - 10/11/2022 : horsie! again! thats about it

5, 6 - 12/11/2022 : more koopaz, they smoke veed together i guess, i liked drawing these i was on sily energy

7 - 13/11/2022 : jammy lammy. drawn on my phone x ,, i think i doodled this then i started on my full digital piece of her?

8, 9, 10 - 14/11/2022 : roosh in the rush shirt, ive been asked if she likes rush bc shes rush-ada which i find funny (no sadly i wish i was that funny), she never dresses like this but i like to draw her in things she'd probably Want to wear but wouldn't bc shes a self conscious old lady..... ANYWAY omg first drawing where i drew Ru with her iconic half moon eyes instead of having the empty space, now her eyes are a full shape,, its been this way ever since and it feels so much better, maximum droopiness, shes pathetic really but i love her, toni might invoke this rage on me if she catches me saying that tho

also penguin dance. watch that autistic girl groove

11 - 15/11/2022 : moar drawing Ru in outfits she would want to wear but wouldn't normally, like this is how i dress so this is projection probably.. i was on my peak boingo fix at this point (has not stopped) so Toni is having a sing x (has been misinterpreted as her ripping a bong at least three times) and a little Luisa hehe

12, 13 - 16/11/2022 : Toni would have a YT channel in canon, like thats how she breaks into the music scene, but i like thinking of her doing cliche youtuber things.. also the first (not first but the First first is like an incomplete concept doodle) drawing of Trixie! i knew i wanted a new robo oc, and she had to be a gnasty diesel powered idiot, she hasn't changed too much

14 - 18/11/2022 : silly time again, ru n toni on their catgirl and horsegirl business, i am 5 and poop is funny

15-18 - 25/11/2022 : holy ponies batman! horseshada (yes thats what i call her) as a G3 styled MLP, both in her natural colours, and unnatural colours (her pony name is Blue Moon), also TONI PONY! (her pony name is Heart-To-Heart). gay ass little ponies

19-23 - 28/11/2022 : so like. at this point i was in the middle of watching waterloo road (classic series the new one sucks big balls), and this is like the only thing i could conjure up...... also another mettatetta, was still unsure about his design, but its comin!! later!! have patience!! the rest are some various Rushadas, in an outfit from animal crossing pocket camp since i was playing that again at this point, i should draw her in it again bc she SERVES.. also her in her jammies, i wanted a go at drawing plaits, pretty proud of that one, her hair is so thick and lovely <3

24 - 29/11/2022 : so like i really dont have enough aus i guess, catgirl toni n horsegirl rushada, but like, they're more anthro this time, that was basically the concept, and to recap, ive got like centaur au, like full animal au, and one where its just them but they have the ears and tails, its complicated!

[thepointoftheneedle]

Lockwood and Co

Well, I watched the show because I'd enjoyed the books ages ago. For some reason the show made me want to write fiction which I haven't done for an age. Will I continue it? No clue. Maybe...? It's canon after The Empty Grave but I've tried to avoid major spoilers for anyone who has only seen the tv show and hasn't read the books. Anyway, here's the prologue in case anyone else enjoyed the silly little ghost-hunting show.

Lockwood stalked into the kitchen and turned on the gas under the kettle. As he reached for the Earl Grey his elbow nudged the charred skull that sat on the kitchen worktop and he smiled wryly at the incongruous domestic arrangements in place in Portland Row.  “Alas, poor Skull,” he murmured. “People always misquote that line you know, Skull.  ‘Alas poor Yorick, I knew him Horatio,’ not ‘I knew him well.’  Idiots.”

He dropped a teabag into a mug and leaned back against the counter, waiting for the whistle of the kettle.  It wasn’t worth making a pot; he was alone in the house.  Holly was at home, packing.  George was at the embassy poring over maps of the Paris Catacombs with the representative of the French Ministère des Evénements Paranormaux.  Lucy was with Barnes at the passport office in Petit France. If Barnes couldn’t pull some strings, that would be as close as she’d get to France.  Lockwood and Co. would have to go without her.  It didn’t bear thinking about.

“We’ve got a lot in common you know Skull,” he said as the kettle began to sing.  He knew he wouldn’t get a response.  The Skull had made the ultimate sacrifice for them, given up his life… afterlife… whatever the hell it had had, to save them at the showdown at Fittes House.  Well, to save Lucy really. He’d just been an unintended beneficiary of the Skull’s heroism.  He poured the boiling water into the mug and set the kettle down. He picked up the blackened bone, stared into its ruined sockets. “We were both prepared to die for her.  I think I’m a little bit jealous that you got to do it.”

Still holding the skull, Lockwood sat down at the table, waiting for his tea to brew.  Lucy would have been mashing the bag against the side of the mug with a teaspoon, or a fork, or whatever came to hand like an absolute savage.  He preferred to wait, to let the scent of bergamot pervade the warm kitchen on the steam rising from the mug. “Ever been to Paris, Skull?” he asked.  “My parents went there on honeymoon.  They had a guidebook. It must be in the library somewhere.  Art galleries and parks and cafes on the Rive Gauche.  I think they stayed in a grand hotel near the Luxembourg Gardens.”  He chuckled but there was no mirth in it. “That’s what she should have of course.  She should be going to Paris with someone who can give her all that, order escargot in garlic at a fancy restaurant just to see her face when she realises what it is, walk hand in hand with her through the Tuilleries, kiss her breath away in front of one of those huge water lily paintings that make you feel like you’re floating. All that romantic stuff.  Instead, she gets me, a rapier and a guaranteed brush with death. Even you’d do better than that wouldn’t you, Skull? Give her candles and rose petals on the carpet and a little chocolate in gold paper on her pillow.   I mean you couldn’t do much else I suppose, couldn’t follow through on any of it but then, I don’t do that either, do I?  Never even kissed her. I’m more of a ghost than you ever were, trapped behind silver glass, no idea how to get out.”

The skull said nothing.  Lockwood shook his head, appalled by his own mawkish foolishness.  He stood, snatched up his mug, grasped a corner of the scalding teabag and flicked it across the kitchen into the bin while heading out of the room. Behind him, on the thinking cloth, the skull flickered softly with a greenish flame.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 2.27.2024

I met all three of my goals for last week, which is good, I guess. Number one was to stop being manic about my stupid fanfic, which I did, but I half-regret, because maybe I would be done by now, if I had just shot the anxiety curl, but that's neither here nor there, I suppose. I did finish Chapter 9a, and sent Chapters 7 and 8 to the beta, which were the other things I said I wanted to do. I, in fact, managed to make a dent in Chapter 9c, as well (Chapter 9b is like a little interlude thing, which may or may not get subsumed into Chapter 9c, depending on how long it comes out)

I am so close to being done, and I feel like it ought to be easy to push it over the finish line, but it hasn't. I've been feeling pretty down on it for the last few days. I'm not super-happy with the way the last few chapters have been turning out, but on the other hand, I'm not sure I have any way to make them better. I think a lot of it may just be that I have been working on this fanfic for so long that I'm kinda sick of it. :\

I took a little bit of a break today--I finished a book I was reading, and I made sort of a rough draft version of a banner, mostly because I'm still trying to nail down the title from a couple of different variations, and I was hoping that seeing it visually would be helpful. Based on that, the current frontrunner is Damage History (the other two options are Past Damage and Prior Damage, please feel free to tell me if you have any opinions).

I just did the math and apparently I crossed the six figure mark this week: the thing currently stands at 100,731 words (+7,004 for last week...really? How did I manage that???) I have two and a half scenes left to go, one of which is supposed to be short and one of which is the epilogue. There's also at least one scene that I'll probably try to rewrite a bit, I dunno. I guess the goal for next week is to finish the thing??? All of this feels extremely unreal.

Anyway, you've all been incredibly patient with me, so here's another preview. This is from one of the flashbacks in Chapter 2, and if it seems vaguely familiar, it's because it's one of the parts that got spun out of the old Renji-breaks-an-arm story.

---

Much like Kitajima himself, the shop had looked a lot better the last time Renji had seen it. There was dust and cobwebs everywhere. Most of the shelves were half-empty. 

"Take off your shirt," Kitajima instructed, dragging out a stool for Renji to sit on. 

"All the damage is below the elbow," Renji said quietly.

"Oh, look who's a medic now," the old man burbled.

Renji took off his shirt.

Kitajima pressed one of his clammy hands in the space between Renji's shoulder blades. A cold, nasty feeling bled down Renji's arm. He wanted to vomit. After a few moments, Kitajima felt his way down Renji's arm, squeezing at his flesh and shooting painful little sparks into his nerves. When the old rat snake got past the elbow, his fingers pressed against the end of the broken bone and Renji nearly passed out. 

"Hey! You're hurting him!" Rukia barked, bracing her entire weight against Renji's shoulder in an attempt to keep him upright.

Kitajima ignored her.

It wasn't pain, not exactly. Well. It was painful, but it was more like Renji's body was burning through all of his energy as quickly as possible. It felt like dying.

Kitajima finished his palpitations, then fetched something from one of his dusty jars. "Eat this," he said, pressing it into Renji's hand.

Renji remembered these things all too well. He'd eaten a lot of them during the period when he was working for Kitajima. It was a pill made up of mashed rice and various dried roots and seeds. They weren't the tastiest thing in the world, but they packed a lot of energy and they lasted forever. He bit into it gingerly.

“As I told you the last time you were here,” the old man growled, “you have the demon magic in you. The shinigami use it to cast spells, but also to push their bodies past what is normally possible. Like a fool, you have done this without proper training. You have broken and healed yourself simultaneously, but with no skill, and you have made a hash of it.”

“I wasn’t trying,” Renji excused. 

“Can you repair it?” Rukia pressed.

“I can rebreak it,” Kitajima replied.

[golden-risuto]

CW: This particular character is mentally unstable. I will do my best to make her realistic, but please let me know of any flaws. I would appreciate it very much.

Delilah Mun-Ime the Tlacuache

“It's still a dream worth keeping.”

Gender: Woman.

Orientation: Straight.

Nicknames: Del, Luna, Yuè (Father and brother).

Species: Fairy Opossum, part moon creature (Normal form showed).

Physique: Chubby, less than average height (4'11")

MBTI: INFJ 9w8.

Occupation: Art teacher, artist.

Neurotype: Autistic and BPD.

Elemental Alignments: Water and Dark.

Song: A Dream Worth Keeping · Sheena Easton (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I61G6qPM_yQ)

Background:

A 34 years old Tlacuache who lives the dream that many would like to have: A powerful husband, living off her art, a good reputation within her village, and two fantastic children... If only that reflected reality. Her life is far from perfect, since Delilah has been the victim of a forced marriage at the age of 19 to the son of the previous chief of Sigilla Village, Zechariah Demirkan, whom she detests with all her being. A fate Del wouldn't wish even on her worst enemy.

She hasn't had peace since her childhood, after that fateful day where her older brother, Stanford Mun-Ime the Coyote, ran away from home to save himself from a terrible future. Certain superior figures have been and continue to be very strict on her so she never thinks to almost go out of line again, against her wishes. Delilah, due to her reserved nature and fatigue at this point, avoids conflict to maintain the little inner peace she maintains... Although, sometimes, that flame that existed in her youth is fanned, seeking justice in short-lived explosive ways.

Despite all the bad things in her life, Delilah finds passion in her work as an Art Teacher in Sigilla Village, as well as in artistic, alchemical and gardening hobbies at home. She feels a lot of appreciation for her students and some members of the community, who see her as a stubborn, yet wise woman for her choices. However, she finds greater satisfaction in the relationship she has with her father and firstborn, Delilah wouldn't know what to do without them.

Special Info:

- A little known talent, inherited from lunar ancestors, is her ability to absorb moonlight and transfer it to a liquid as a potent ingredient for potions. The residents know of the existence of those potions and buy them to cure their illnesses, but they do not know the true origin of some components.

- Feels a huge emptiness for what could have been if the first escape plan had worked out, her life would have taken a big turn and perhaps Delilah would be very happy, even though she'd had little. However, it is still a dream worth keeping, even if the years have gradually diminished hopes.

- Delilah was in love with another man when she got married and Zechariah, at the beginning of the marriage, tried to make her fall in love with his qualities, but time proved that it would never happen between them and they currently live together like two strangers who detest each other.

- The abandonment of two significant figures has triggered an intense fear of being abandoned again, regardless of whether it is real or imaginary. She's even tried to convince herself not to have connections with others to avoid the pain... If only she didn't crave it at the same time.

- Has a hidden fairy form, but she prefers to stay normal for comfort and not to attract so much attention when it's already combined with her lunar form, whether good or bad.

- Cannot control her emotions and impulses a lot of times, the most benign of all being buying a lot of art supplies and one of the most harmful being alcohol, especially wine.

- After a long day of being overloaded with stimuli, there is nothing better for her than eating comfort food, cooking, reading a book or taking care of the garden. Likewise, she teaches her child Bastion the magic of art and do activities together.

- A faithful follower of the fairy demigod, Faunus, Delilah has felt their presence so many times that she cannot help but feel excited for his return and it's one of the few things that keeps her sane. She was proud of Bastion the day they decided to serve as an assistant in the Church of the Sacred Fruit.

- Her parents are recognized figures, she had a childhood free of economic worries thanks to the work of her father and his puppet... Enchanted shows and her mother, attending to the needs of the place. Delilah has a huge collection of books ranging from books from her childhood, art, culture, alchemy, outer space and even forbidden books on moon magic.

- Has a complicated relationship with her second child, Zebereo Demirkan the Red Panda, since he has a very similar attitude to his father. She loves him, but at the same time she finds it difficult to connect with him, which adds seeds of resentment between the Demirkan siblings.

[em0tionl0rd]

Dear friends,

For anyone who has been a long-time follower or hasn't heard from me in a long time, years even, or has ever wondered/worried about me, this is for you:

The past few years have folded over like an accordion for me. A lot of horrible/terrible things have happened. And my memory is no longer what it used to be. My mind seems to naturally cope with trauma and any negative interactions by locking them away deep within it's confines. Despite this, I always try to stay positive, because I know nobody likes to hear about bad things because it only makes them feel bad. Worse, they feel bad for me, and I don't need need people's sympathy. I just need time to heal, and that's what I have been doing; Taking my time. Previous post on the matter.

It was just One thing after Another, for Years, and my mind's trauma response was to simply cope and continue to endure helplessly instead of push myself away from the situation I was in. You can really see this with my lack of activity on here through my Archive. (not including my art side-blog since I tend to just mass dump whatever art and doodles I've accumulated over there). I was active on Twitter for a bit during Tumblrs downturn, but then Twitter changed. I nuked my art account over there. It's empty. All the posts I made to nobody about my characters and headworld, gone. All because I didn't want my art and ideas stolen and used for Al training.

My main Twitter remains active. I just use it to reblog art now and casually tweet about stuff. Initially I used Twitter to follow content creators, but as my timeline got cluttered, I made alts to follow specific topics. I started using my main to follow news and current issues, and my art account to follow artists and content creators, which I still do, but I retweet to my main only. Then all my art likes stay on my art account and don't comingle with political issues.

I was going to work, and while I would work, I just kept thinking, non-stop. Thinking about all the bad things. Failing to distract myself with my own characters and my story universe. Unintentionally over-sharing with coworkers because at some point in my life I learned how to cope with my anxiety by talking, and talking, and talking.. Unintentionally forming bonds with people I should have never associated with because I felt so desperate for real human interaction other than what I imagined in my head. Something other than my daemons, my conscience, my delusions. The swirling thoughts, the nightmares, the dreams that haunted me just as much as my reality.

Every week, for years, I was experiencing these nightmares. Something would manifest in my room. I could sense it was there. I couldn't escape it. Even if I went to bed and tried my best not to think about it, it would get me. It enjoyed tormenting me.

I started to stay up later and later, fearing laying bed and being prone to this unseen entity. Hoping that depriving myself of sleep would help me fall asleep faster and whisk me away to the sanctity of dreams, but even then, I wasn't safe. If I ever overslept, or didn't do enough to make myself tired before bed, it would find me. If it was merely psychosis, I couldn't tell, because it felt so real.

Eventually, after everything I went through with my ex, things changed for the better, when it came to sleep at least. There was no longer a shadowy presence standing there, grinning at me feet from my bed, or watching me at my desk, waiting for me to go to bed. Instead, there were actual hallucinations. Sleep depravation had taken it's toll on me. My ex had kept me awake many, many nights during my workweek, and forced me to drink with him, or made noise that kept me awake because he would stay up all night.

I distinctly remember watching these long brown withered fingers reaching out of the utility closet in the bedroom while we were both sleeping, and shaking the door violently as if it were trying to get out/in. My eyes were open just enough while I was asleep for this to fully wake me up and scare me. I remember turning over to my ex whimpering and he didn't even care..

Then when he was finally gone (for good), I continued to hallucinate. I had gotten into such a habit of staying up, on top of my uncomfortable sleeping situation due to work related physical pain (among other things), that I started seeing full-body characters dancing in my doorframe. This was completely new to me because before, it was less of a visual hallucination and more like THERE IS A GHOST RIGHT THERE, and now it was more like my eyes were legit not working properly. I just remember staring at my door and seeing all the Digimon characters, full color and everything, dancing and moving around like my eyes were projecting a perfect recreation of them.

I noticed in the past that if I binged a certain amount of content, my eyes would start generating new versions of what I was looking at whenever I closed my eyes. Like my brain could take all this information and create something completely unique and original, which amazed me. For example, whenever I would browse Deviantart and look at character designs or dragons or something, I would close my eyes and every time I closed my eyes I would see a completely new and unique fleshed out design in full color. The downside was that they were usually too detailed for me to do justice in drawing.

I also just see ever-changing generic psychedelic patterns and colorful concentric waves at the edges of my vision. The only time I ever see these properly with my eyes fully open is if I'm staring at the ceiling or the grass or if I press my arm against my eyes. Then there was the one time I was flying out of LA and had taken a 1g thc tab while sleep deprived and noticed a little blob of rainbows in the plane window after take-off. (my ex pushed alcohol and weed on me really hard despite me not wanting anything to do with it bc i don't need it)

So anyway, I had binge watched Digimon Adventure and was now seeing all of the characters in my bedroom door. That was a new one for me. Before I would just stare at the cottage cheese patterned ceiling and try to make out characters in the bumps. I did this my whole life as I had the same ceiling as a kid at my childhood home.

I went back and watched Digimon because I never really got to watch it as a kid and had vague memories of it being overly-dramatic (I was like maybe 4-5) and My Gosh that show goes hard for a kids show. Completely unrelated to my rambling but I wish more kids shows were comfortable tackling such hard-hitting issues, my gosh. Modern media is too soft and probably sets a bad example of reality. (my dad let me watch gory horror movies, rated r flicks, and explicit 90s anime as a kid so who am i to talk)

Before my ex and around the time the nightmares started, I started having surreal auditory hallucinations while half awake. I remember waking up to a small black geometric object floating above my face with blue lines running across it's surface. I was in the thralls of sleep paralysis and felt like it was just floating there above my face watching me. Another time, while my niece was over, I remember hearing something at the top of my stairs, clawing at the carpet and growling at me. For context, I was living in my mom's attic. It was relatively small, with low ceiling, and carpeted.

This thing that was growling at me and snarling genuinely worried me because my niece started developing very strange behavioral issues around this time, but I won't get into that here. I don't think people want to hear my supernatural/paranormal psychology ramblings. I'm just happy that after talking to my mom about it my niece is getting some much needed help. I was so worried that I remember breaking down and crying over it at work.

I felt like something was attached to my niece, and that thing was sort of a manifestation of that that only I could hear while I was half awake. Before it climbed the stairs and started growling, I distictly remember hearing it mimicking my nieces laughter (she was just a baby). And the way it dug it's claws into the carpet and growled, this guttural snarl, I couldn't tell what it was. It felt inhuman.

Around this time, because I was so isolated, and generally miserable, all the research I had been doing into various paranormal and metaphysical phenomena had taken a detrimental toll on my mental health. As you can clearly tell from all of this rambling about things unseen. I started believing that lizard people were real and lived on Saturn. Yes, because I read it on someone's blog. And because of that, I started to be attacked in my sleep by what I can only describe as something reptilian in nature. It somehow had the ability to appear before me and put me into sleep paralysis, pick me up, and send me to the shadow realm (or at least that's what it felt like) where it would claw and bite and do unspeakable things to me while I was unable to move or fight back or even scream.

These experiences carried over after my mom kicked me out. They followed me to my apartment, and they stuck with me for a majority of the time I was with my ex. Part of me really hoped that living with a real living breathing human being would help me out of my psychosis, but that was kind of hard given that he was an actual sociopath and psycho himself. I had no grounding in reality other than work. Work started feeling like an escape. And talking with coworkers even more-so.

For context, my mom did nothing to help. Both of my parents have mental health issues, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm saving that for my biography. My mom kicked me out because the internship program she forced me into in 2018-2019 didn't get me employed right away, so I ended up living with a social worker for a short while who was also a pet foster. It was a bit chaotic with all the animals but I was able to get a job and my own place and get away from my mom which was good. Also my mom was drinking when she decided to come upstairs and lecture me (again) for 2+ hours about how useless I was.

As you can tell, there was already plenty of fuel on the fire for my mental health issues to spiral out of control. I started to neglect my art, my characters, my story, my wellbeing. Yet I somehow managed to keep it together, for the most part. Enough to be employable and push myself to socialize more at work and be personable and friendly. It helps to be overly self-conscious of how I come off to people due to being bullied throughout HS for being "weird"..

I felt like I peaked in 2014-2015 while I was still in Highschool and spent most of my time outside of school hanging out with friends in Minecraft servers. I was having so much fun despite my circumstances, but then the balance shifted in a really bad direction. At one point I was even living with my grandma in an even worse situation back in 2017 just because I was that desperate to get away from my mom.

While in my internship program I realized how freeing it was to be out in the city during the day while taking the bus to work. I was far away from home back in that small farm town and got to spend time at the mall every day which was cool. I got to see the city in fall and winter and it translated well into living on my own bc I had already familiarized myself with the bus routes enough to continue using them when I got another job. I also used them when I was with my ex to get out. Other than that I biked to work. More on that later.

And during my downtime in this program I spent so much time drawing. It was like being back in class in Highschool and sitting at my desk and doodling while the teacher was talking. (it was literally the same) Other than that, I spent most of my time on my laptop doing whatever I could to distract myself from my current situation out of habit. I'd draw digitally, but I struggled to motivate myself to do anything useful with it.

For a long time I relied on Youtube and social media as an escape and a distraction from my problems. Frequently venting to friends online. Paragraph after paragraph. Driving them crazy. Even driving people away. I just didn't know what to do because I felt so helpless. I even became active in the local metaphysical community. I took classes and became a certified psychic (not kidding). I met and attended classes with a paranormal psychologist. And I hung out with a wizard. (RIP)

Needless to say, I think metaphysics and spirituality are bunk at this point. I only see value in maybe paranormal psychology, because at the end of the day, it is literally all in our heads, even if our heads are literally a window into another world sometimes (even if said other world is just dreams and imagination). Taking a huge step back from my interest in the paranormal genuinely helped me heal and become better about handling myself, where I was no longer letting illusory entities harass me in my sleep.

I remember sitting in bed that fateful night and just saying in my head to myself, "This is all in my head and I am the one in control". Then I never got attacked again. Something I didn't mention throughout this whole spiel was that I had an imaginary friend and I frequently imagined myself doing the dirty with said imaginary friend (who is also a character of mine). The "attacks" were simply an escalation of all the kinky shit in my head and all the bullshit alien conspiracies I had been immersing myself in. I had let myself get to a point where I genuinely believed that something else was controlling me outside of myself. Very not mentally healthy if you ask me.

Near the end I remember having to make sure my bedroom door and closet doors were closed, and to cover my eyes and ears with something just to prevent them from playing tricks on me while I slept.

Anyways, lucid dreams, daydreams, OBEs, and sleep paralysis had become normalized to me at a young age. I frequently dreamed about flying and imagining characters in my head. It genuinely became an escape and coping mechanism for me, especially with the creation of an imaginary friend as a teenager because I struggled to make real meaningful friends. Changing schools several times didn't help that of course. I still experience these things and still enjoy them but don't take them as seriously anymore, but they're still fun, even addicting at times. I feel like the human mind is an endlessly deep pool that continues to amaze me at times.

As for my ex boyfriend, god.. It was like dating Murdoc irl, but somehow worse, and sadder. I wanted that Stockholm Syndrome abusive boyfriend relationship sooo badly. Like I felt I needed to be punished for being such an outcast. He Almost killed me. Aside from the few bicycle accidents on the way to work, I think what he did will leave me limping and struggling to walk for the rest of my life.

Also fuck the creep I met at my last job. Holy shit, now that guy was Literally insane. I genuinely hope his kid will be okay. (why the fuck does he have a child holy shit)

Lastly, I am doing better. At least I think I am. It's hard to tell. I'm just happy to be drawing again and enjoying it. After all the BS I went through over the past few years, I actually got pretty rusty so a lot of what I'm drawing might get dumped on my art blog, but in the meantime, I'm just happy I'm posting art and people are enjoying it as much as I do. I haven't felt this stable about my art in a long time. Getting out of that apartment and away from the city and all of those negative memories weighing me down was a huge step in the right direction.

If you read all of this for whatever reason, good for you. Have a gold star. Lemme know if you would read my biography. I have plenty more fucked up stories where these came from, and this is just incoherent rambling that skips most of the awful details.

[the-mothmaam]

A Hard Time Doing Anything

Including journaling this way...

I don't find much reason to cook any more. I have to amp myself up for days or weeks to leave the house. I haven't really wanted to do much since the divorce.

I'm still transitioning. It's pretty much the only thing I do for myself these days. But I've been trying to change that.

Stayed home "sick" yesterday with the depression eating me alive while i laid helpless in bed. To think that I was used for so long, that the love was fake for all fourteen years... I have a hard time swallowing it. But if I don't learn to accept it I won't be able to move past it.

I went to Jenny's movie night last week. We watched Hereditary, which of course reminded me of Jessica.

Every time I look at the dogs I feel sick to my stomach that she refuses to be in their life. Taking care of them hasn't really been any harder than when we were married. I wake up a little earlier to take them out and that's it. When I was married and shouldering so much of the work I didn't want to complain. If it weren't for feeling exhausted I'd probably still be happy to do all of it again.

I wanted someone to be able to do those things for. But I'm learning to do them for myself and be content with that. It's lonely without anyone to tell me what they think about this or that. Jenny has been a good friend, nut even she has more bad days than good ones. So the content of our discussions is wry and cynical at best.

I'm going to an art gallery this week on Friday. It's the kind of thing I was supposed to do the night Jessica left. I don't know how I'm going to react on the day, but my stomach is already doing somersaults.

My parents didn't want me, my wife didn't want me, no one for forty years has wanted me. Radical acceptance can't put a dent into these facts.

I've been working (slowly) on a real bucket list. Not sure I'll ever get to do any of it, and doing it alone feels so empty. But I've got to at least pretend to play the game called Life.

Saturday I'm taking Ellie to get groceries. I look forward to getting to know her better.

I'm so angry that I got played so badly. I thought maybe there was actually someone that could find it within themselves to love me. What a joke. I just want to yell at her, I want to understand why she did this, I want justice for the pain she's made me endure. I have to keep telling myself that no, I don't love her. I can't love someone who did that heinous shit to me. And even if I did, she'd just do it again, so why even entertain the idea of trusting her?

Maybe one day I'll write something happy here. I sure hope so.

[icharchivist]

Maybe he means he's not afraid to show his body off to us, but claims that he wouldn't necessarily show off his SSRs in front of the entire beach. But whether that's a kink thing or he's lying, we may never know. Maybe he just didn't get the chance to do that before, since Michael was on his case so he had to avoid drawing too much attention, so he's not sure yet if he's into exhbitionism cause he hasn't tried it yet. Much to think, much to think.

glad to see we're having the REAL character analysis in my DMs on this beautiful summer night

yknow now that i think about it, while all of his arts for the summer version are him truly showing himself out (and especially driving our attention in between his legs), every one of them feel a little private?

Like on the first one (and canon) one we got he's still heavily covered by his jacket and the twilight behind him really give the impression that the beaches are probably more empty by now

on the second art, it looks like it's in a closed area, and it's at night according to the light

and on the third one, he's hidden by the shadows of the tree for the most part

in all of them there's still an aspect of a private time with the person he's looking at (implied to be us)

so there IS a possibility that it is meant to be only for us. That he's not really intending to exhibit at least the steamier parts to an audience.

(like i'm sure he has no problem with being half naked on the beach, i'm speaking about the specific kind of exhibition he's showing on each of those arts, especially in those that looks like the steamy bits are ready to slip away from the very little fabric he's still wearing)

I think you have a good read on how he probably wouldn't want to drive too much attention to him as a result of the centuries on the run making him, having to keep a low profile and all, so he probably never really tried exhibition as a survival tactics. Whenever he would be into it or not if he tried is up for debate, he could be lying or also truly feeling like it's not really his thing

then again i feel like there's the thing that his idea of exhibition and the common idea of exhibition may not be the same. Like for us his behavior here is already indecent, for him he's probably like "as long as my cock isn't outside, i'm not showing anything"

so i guess all we have left to do is to ask him directly how he thinks about those kinks in depth. It's a dangerous work but i volunteer as your information seeker in order to find the tru-

[vaguely-concerned]

Still thinking about that part in the Albert arc of Part 5 where Lupin specifically disguises himself as Fujiko -- who, among all the other things she is to him, is quite recently also his ex-wife -- to seduce the shitty old art collector dude and get his biometric data. He's got a bajillion other sexy lady disguises (this series is peculiarly obsessed with male-presenting to female-presenting crossdressing, it's -- there sure is something going on there), but he specifically chose to almost embody Fujiko for it like it's the only way to feel her company while they're semi-estranged/in a difficult place with each other. Like. Oh boy. Sentences that make me want to gently dissect his brain in a mildly concerned sort of way and go 'now just what on god's green earth is going in here, buddy?'. It is kind of nice how it makes it feel like she's also a bit of a mentor to him in ways you might not necessarily think of normally. (also it's very droll how he acts like anyone twisted his arm into going the femme fatale route when you could get the exact same amount of data by oh, say, posing as a waiter and leaning in a little closer to meet the dude's eyes while asking him if he wants his bill now and taking away a glass he's been drinking from and getting his fingerprints all over or whatever)

...I know Lupin is the main character and everything so it's not like he hasn't had attention on him over the years lol but I still wish they'd take one page at least out of the book of the woman called fujiko mine and hand an installment of the series over to someone who really, really wants to actually properly look at some of this stuff that's in the character -- whether intentionally or that's sort of accidentally grown into being through the sheer longevity of the series -- and let them get a bit weird with it. (Green vs. Red is kind of the... insufferably straight cis male version of that, where they went 'all he really is is an empty shell, an escapist character for ME and ME ONLY so fuck all the rest of you' and it's why that one's... not very good in my estimation lmao. they took all the identity fuckery and disguise stuff going on and went 'he could be anyone or anything! he could even be you! but only if you're a cis dude tho of course haha let's not get silly here')

Listen they're not going to openly queer this long-running mainstream franchise partially based on the idea that cars and guns sure are cool, I am aware, but a person is allowed to dream anyway right haha

In general Lupin is essentially a lil modern day trickster god and I enjoy the interesting tension that creates if you want to go a little closer on him psychologically, because his entire concept strives against it but from the relationships he has with the other main characters you do know there is like. a real person in there somewhere looking out even if you don't get to look in nearly as often and as an audience you always long to be let in on those feelings because like. that's how stories work, vicariously experiencing someone else's reality and emotions. and often he denies you that beyond a certain depth and then sometimes you get glimpses of a truth and those brief glimpses hit all the harder for it. (as a general concept this is also echoed/more literalized in Jigen as a narrative uh 'echo'? foil? for him, where you literally don't get to see his eyes a lot of the time and it feels a bit Special and weirdly intimate when you do. Lupin is kind of rocking the fully emotional version of that.)

anyway a lot of these themes (especially the gender stuff) I'd actually rather they don't mess around with too much because there's no WAY they'd do so in an intelligent, sensitive or defensible way lol sometimes you're safer in the subtext huh

[2jaeh]

milky way | youngtaek

you find unexplainable comfort in the words of your favorite poet, but he has a deeper connection to you than you think.

genre: fluff, a little angst

word count: 1.4k

author lin

Your favorite part of the day was curling up on the couch with a hot beverage, scrolling through your phone and having the television on low, offering great background noise so the apartment felt less empty. When the clock struck 7pm you knew you would be receiving that notification from the one person on Instagram that you cared enough to keep up with.

They were a poet who went by the name April and they were quite popular on the social media platform, despite never revealing any information about themself save for what deep feelings were incorporated into their poems. You found a great sense of comfort in their work and you were always anticipating to read their poems.

That day, April had revealed a poem titled 'Milky Way'. The post contained a plain white canvas with the words scribbled in black ink on the left side and a relevant drawing on the right - the standard format for all of their works. For this particular poem, the drawing was of a shooting star with a tiny person looking up towards it.

The poem described a relationship between two people that was so dazzlingly perfect that everyone around them was envious of how perfectly they were made for each other. Alas life moved to a point where the narrator could barely contact their lover and they slowly drifted out of each other's lives. The narrator still had lingering feelings for that person and could never truly move on. The final words of the poem read, Nothing without you, nothing without you… 

April's poems always hit close to home and prompted you to think about your own life and experiences, but Milky Way in particular felt as though you yourself was the narrator in question. A few years ago you had also been in a relationship that was so full of bliss. The boy was named Youngtaek and you always joked about how he set a standard for any other guy you would ever meet, but it was true. 

He was an aspiring songwriter and rapper and often wrote songs about you. He was someone that you could tell anything to and he would never judge. He always showered you with compliments that helped you find confidence in yourself. He encouraged you to try new things and a lot of milestones in your life involved him. Your first kiss, your first time and even your first experience getting chased out of a movie theater because he screamed too loud at the horror movie onscreen.

People who claimed the honeymoon phase didn't last forever clearly did not see the three years the two of you spent together. However, all good things must come to an end. Youngtaek left for Japan to further his studies while you stayed behind. You stayed in good contact for a long time, until you both started to live your own lives with different friends, different timezones, different lifestyles. It was a mutual decision to just end the relationship and move on, but your feelings for him could never disappear that easily.

Since the poem had tapped into an integral part of your mind, you decided to leave a comment. You never did leave comments on April's work - it was quite pointless considering they were so popular and your comment would just disappear into the swarm of others - but you were running on sentimentality at that point. 

@______: Thank you for this, I wonder if the lover will ever know the impact they had on the narrator… 

You left your phone aside and turned the television volume up to watch whatever game show was going on. Despite your eyes being on the screen, your thoughts were still filled with Youngtaek and the poem. The only thing that was able to snap you out of your own world was a chime from your phone. You grabbed your phone and opened up the notification. 

@aprilpoetry: @______ I think they do now… 

Your eyes widened at the comment before contorting into a confused frown. First of all, April didn't reply to their fans often so the interaction did catch you by surprise. Second of all, what did they mean by that? The message was so short and vague, but you didn't want to read too much into it. April was notorious for trolling and pranking their followers so you shrugged it off.

Your notifications were flooded with people liking and leaving congratulatory words on your comment. It was so overwhelming that you almost missed a direct message notification you had received. You opened the message up and you couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped your lips upon seeing it was from April. 

@aprilpoetry: As you know, I will be releasing my first book this Friday. We'll be having a small party to celebrate and I'm looking to invite some interesting fans to join us. Would you be interested?

@______: Me? 

@aprilpoetry: Of course. Your comment piqued my interest. 

@______: My comment? 

April was typing for a long time and you didn't know why you were becoming nervous. You couldn't even believe this conversation was happening. Your phone pinged and you looked down to see details as to when and where the party was being held. 

@aprilpoetry: I hope to see you there

+++++

After days of deliberation, you finally settled on just going to the party. The interaction with April was quite strange and your curiosity really got the better of you. You arrived at the venue - a sleek dining hall decorated in black and white and adorned in pictures of the art that usually featured alongside April's poems.

You floated around the room, taking the drink that a server offered you and inspecting the snack table for anything you might like. Everyone else was already engrossed in their own conversations, presumably about April's poetry. You felt somebody stand next to you, but your eyes stayed fixated on the pink drink in your hands. 

"The mini pizzas are really good." The person next to you spoke and you almost shuddered at the familiarity of their voice. 

You looked up to see Youngtaek smiling down at you. He was wearing black turtleneck with a black blazer thrown over his shoulders. He looked older and much more mature than from when you last saw him. His hair was dyed bright red and his ears were adorned with pretty piercings. He still had the same sparkly eyes that you had adored so much.

"What are you doing here?" You asked in a small voice and he chuckled lightly. 

"It's been a while hasn't it?" Youngtaek ran his fingers through his hair with a sheepish grin on his face, "well actually, we've been closer than we think." 

"What do yo-" 

"I'm April, ______," he cut you off and your eyes widened comically, making him laugh, "when I saw you comment on my post I couldn't believe it was really you. 

"I actually refused to believe it was, so I invited you here to find out," he let out a nervous sigh, "I'm… I'm really glad you're here and you read that poem." 

"I've read all of your poems," you admitted and now it was his turn to look surprised, "I've always followed your account and I… really love your work… Milky Way just hit very close to home." 

"I missed you, every day," Youngtaek admitted, stepping closer to you, "every time I'd think I moved on from us but then you'd cloud my thoughts all the time, just like what I said in Milky Way." 

"I missed you too," you smiled at him when you saw his eyes light up, "I guess it's fate that we found each other again." 

Youngtaek grinned at your words before leaning closer and placing his lips on yours. It felt so familiar, the feeling of kissing him while soft music sounded from the speakers, yet butterflies still fluttered in your tummy. His hands came up to cup your face as you gently held onto his wrists. He pulled away just a few centimeters away to admire your flustered face as his cherry lips curled into a smile. 

"So are we doing this again?" You laughed lightly. 

"Only if you want to ______." Youngtaek grinned, softly running his hands down your arms. 

"Of course April Poetry." 

[radiorenjun]

I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: vi, vii

As Jaemin walked to his car to drive to school, he spotted you walking out of your door with a textbook in hand. He raised his hand, his mouth opening to call out your name when the scene from that night flashed through his mind. He sighed at the thought as he watch you walk to the bus stop without sparing a glance in his direction.

'Is she really that upset? It was just an old music box, after all.' Jaemin thought as he got into his car and turned his keys. 'She's just being petty, I bet if I offer her a ride to school. She's gonna go back to square one. Typical y/n," he smiled to himself, remembering the times where you two had arguments and one of the two of you would apologize when Jaemin offered you a ride.

Jaemin drove to catch up with you before you reach the stop, to his surprise, he saw Huang Renjun walking up to you with a bright smile, slinging an arm over your shoulders. Jaemin's blood ran cold at the sight of you smiling and rolling your eyes at the boy.

Jaemin forgot Renjun lived a few houses away from them, then again, he hasn't talked to Renjun much since Renjun left the team to join the arts club. 'What am I doing?' he thought to himself, running a hand through his hair as he let out a heavy sigh, his eyes never leaving the road as he drove by your laughing figures.

'This is what I wanted right? For once I don't have y/n constantly asking bout me or flirting with me or clinging onto me all the time. I should be happy that she finally got it to her head' he told himself. If that's so, why does he feel so empty? Why does he feel like something's missing deep inside of him.

Once he got to the school, he walked to his lockers only to be greeted by Donghyuck, who ran up and slung an arm around his neck. "If it isn't Mr. Na Jaemin." Donghyuck greeted with a cheeky grin as Jaemin smiled in response. "Good morning to you, too, Hyuck." he chuckled.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Hyuck clicked his tongue nonchalantly as they walked side by side, his arm hanging on one of Jaemin's shoulders. "Well if only your boyfriend didn't graduate early, I wouldn't be spending all my time with Coach." Jaemin laughed.

"As much as I am happy that Mark graduated early, I still can't believe he left me to rot here alone with nobody to talk to." he pouted, scrunching his face dramatically. "You're talking to me, though." Jaemin teased. "Exactly, you're a nobody, Mister Na." he deadpanned in response.

Jaemin playfully shoved the boy away from him, eliciting a laugh from the both of them as they walked to Jaemin's locker, spotting Jeno running through his own. "Good morning, Jeno." Jaemin smiled, unlocking his locker beside him.

"Did you two know we had homework on Biology?" Jeno exclaimed frantically, trying to find his textbook. "The one that's worth 5% of our grade? Yep," Hyuck responded with a bright nod. "Fuck, I'm definitely failing this class." Jeno groaned, running a hair through his black hair before shutting his locker.

Jaemin chuckled at his friend's misfortune, shaking his head with a soft "tsk tsk". "Oh lookie here, your future wife is heading this way, Nana." Hyuck teased, using the nickname you had made for him back when you two were 12 years old. "Get ready to feel single, Jeno." he added.

Jeno pointed an accusatory finger at the younger boy, "Hey! Mark graduated, you're gonna feel lonely with me, this time!" making Hyuck stick out his tongue. They were both too busy quarreling to acknowledge Jaemin's empty expression as she passed by them without your usual friendly 'hey'.

But they were shocked to see you walking side by side with your friends, your hand inside Renjun's. "Uh, Jaemin, y/n's right there." Hyuck nudged the boy beside him with his elbow. Jaemin looks up from his gaze at your hand inside Renjun's as you disappeared in the crowd of students.

"What? So?" Jaemin retorted almost defensively, eyes looking everywhere except for his friend who was staring at him in disbelief. "What do you mean 'so' ?! Your girlfriend just walked by without sparing a glance at us! Plus she was holding hands with Renjun," Hyuck exclaimed in disbelief.

"For the billionth time, Hyuck. She's not my girlfriend!" Jaemin spat, annoyance laced in his tone. Hyuck rolled his eyes, "whatever she is, she's holding hands with another guy, dude!" he shot back. Jeno sighed, putting a hand on Hyuck's shoulder, giving him a look of disappointment.

"They had a little fight the other day," Jeno explained briefly. "And she's being petty by giving me the silent treatment," Jaemin growled, shutting his locker and leaning his back against it with a click of his tongue. "What did you do this time?" Hyuck sighed, his expression lightening at the new information.

"Why do you always assume that I'm the one in the wrong?" Jaemin exclaimed, laying a hand on his chest, offended at the accusation. Jeno raised a brow as if to say 'really?', Hyuck giving him a similar look that mirrors Jeno's. Jaemin looks down in guilt, a frown evident on his face as he bit his lip to explain.

"It's not a big deal really. I just told her to leave me along once and for all," Jaemin shrugged as if it was no big deal, looking back at the crowded hall of students. "Not a big deal, my ass. Bro, you also broke her music box without an apology." Jeno stated with a roll of his eyes.

Hyuck's face contorted into a surprised frown, his mouth gaped. "Dude, that's a little harsh, don't you think? She must be genuinely upset to be giving you the silent treatment." Hyuck remarked, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Well at least Jaemin won't be complaining bout her annoying him all the time now that she's ghosting him, right Jae?" Jeno raised a brow at the younger boy.

Jaemin wasn't listening to anything they were saying as his eyes couldn't tear away from the two figures that were you and Renjun talking side by side as you grabbed your stationary from your locker. He felt his chest tightening, aching with a numb pain. What's going on? Why is he feeling this way?

"Jaemin?" Jeno's voice snapped Jaemin back into reality, his eyes widening slightly at the concerned tone as he diverted his gaze back to his friends. "Huh, what?" Jaemin mumbled, trying to ignore the numbing ache in his chest. "You okay?" he asked.

"I don't know, I kinda don't feel well, right now." Jaemin's brows furrowed as he watch you and Renjun walk to class side by side. at the corner of his eye. "We have a few minutes to class, you should go to the Nurse's office." Hyuck advised as he raised his brow in concern.

"Um, alright then," Jaemin nodded, "see you guys later." he waved to his friends before walking to the nurse's office with confusion. What's up with him? He was fine this morning, what's with the sudden pain in his chest?

Unbeknownst to him, his two friends were watching him walking away with concern looks on their faces. "So, I wasn't the only one who saw how sad he looks when he watched Y/n and Renjun right?" Hyuck muttered to Jeno, who nodded in agreement. "That dumbass is gonna have the tables turned, I just wonder what he's gonna do once he realizes that a human heart can't pratically live without the love of his soulmate." Jeno chuckled.

Jaemin was scrolling through social media when you entered the class, his eyes wandered up for a small moment to give you a short glance, examining your figure standing on the doorway as if you haven't been attending the same class for three years.

His eyes quickly went down to his phone when he saw your head turn to his direction, walking right towards him. 'Of course, she's still gonna sit next to me.' he chuckled internally to himself, 'that's typical of her.' he thought.

He felt your presence close to his when you passed by him to sit at the empty seat at the back of the class. He frowned slightly, quickly masking it with a stoick expression as he hears the not so subtle chatters and whispers of his name and y/n's spilling from his classmates' mouth.

"Wait, y/n's not sitting next to Jaemin?"

"Did they have a fight or something?"

"Come to think of it, she skipped class with Renjun yesterday"

"Did she finally had enough?"

"Probably. Poor girl has been at it for two years!"

"Yikes, that's pretty harsh. No wonder she didn't even spare him a glance"

"Have you seen her left wrist? They say-"

"Good morning, class!" Mrs. Choi announced with a bright voice as she entered the class, silencing the whole students in a second. "Let's start today's lesson shall we? Open your textbooks to page 127," she smiled, raising her own copy of the textbook.

Jaemin turned his head to see you busy with opening your textbook and notes, flipping your pen in between your fingers. He quickly turned his head around as the teacher started explaining, opening his own textbook with a small pout on his face.

'Why didn't you come and sit next to him?' he pondered as he tried to advert his eyes to the whiteboard, watching you from the corner of his eye. A part of him wanted you to at least glance at him, make eye contact, anything.

But you didn't. Not even for a split second, it was as if you couldn't see him. As if you two hadn't known each other your whole lives. As if you were both strangers. Jaemin felt a slight ache in his chest, his hand stretching out to lay right on top of his heart.

He took a deep breath, his heart beat in his ears as Mrs. Choi's voice became muffled. It hurt. He doesn't know why, but his chest was hurting and he wants it to stop. It was similar to the pain when he lost on his first game and had an F on Chemistry on the same day. Yet, it was so different. It felt like his chest was actually being poked with tiny needles.

In a blink of an eye, the sound of the bell dismissing entered his ears, snapping him out of his thoughts as the pain subsided. Jaemin turned to see the students around him packing up and leaving class, causing him to jolt up and shove his textbook in his bag.

He felt y/n squeeze herself behind him, quickly leaving the class. Jaemin didn't know why but his feet quickly moved towards her, slinging his halfly zipped bag over his shoulder. His mouth opened as he reached the entrance, ready to call out your name.

His figure froze when he watched you walk up to none other than Huang Renjun. Jaemin's eyes watched as his arm slung around your shoulders, the sweet smile on your face as Renjun whispered something against your ear, eliciting a small laugh from you as the two of you walked to the exit.

Jaemin stared at the two of you with a blank expression. His pupils shaking upon your figures being pressed up against each other. His hand gripping the saddle of his bag that was slung over his shoulder tightly. He wanted to apologize for his actions and offer you a ride home, but his body wouldn't move when he caught Renjun's arm slung over your shoulder so casually.

So affectionately.

Jaemin broke his glare when he felt a slight burning sensation on his wrist. He jolted and hissed at the sharp pain as he pulled back his left sleeve, tugging down the watch to see his soulmate tattoo glowing a dimly blood red, his chest had an ugly feeling piercing his heart.

Jaemin clicked his tongue before heading to the bathroom. His wrist felt like it was burning, it felt scorching hot. Why was it burning? Jaemin acted on instinct and ran his wrist under the tap of cold running water, ignoring his underclassmen passing by and greeting him as they walked out of the boy's bathroom.

Jaemin rubbed the sore spot, his mind remembering the way Renjun's arm slung over your shoulder, laughing alongside you. And your smile. He doesn't remember the last time you smiled that wide for him, Jaemin hissed at the increasing pain on his wrist.

Jaemin winced and jolted as he felt as if something was stabbing him repeatedly in the chest, he slide down the walls of the now empty bathroom. He took silent deep breaths to try to calm himself, running a hand through his hair in distress.

What's going on?

"Day 3 of Huang Renjun being extra nice to the poor girl who's bout to be single for the rest of her life, what will he do today?" you spoke in a way a news reporter would, holding your fist up to your mouth to act as a microphone as you walked towards Renjun who was waiting for you outside of class.

"Shut up, you're saying that I can't be nice to my dearest best friend?" Renjun teased, slinging an arm around your shoulder as you both walked out of the entrance. "Its definitely abnormal to see you restraining yourself to not flick me on the forehead whenever I do something stupid." you shrugged.

You felt the boy flick your forehead gently, causing you to let out a small yelp. "Happy?" Renjun smiled sweetly, as your hand went up to rub the slightly sore spot on your forehead. "Very," you rolled your eyes at him as he let's out a light chuckle.

At the corner of Renjun's eye, he saw Jaemin not far behind you two. His head was looking down at his wrist, his hand tugging down the sleeves. Renjun assumed he was taking a look at his soulmate mark, a frown evident on the younger boy's face.

Renjun almost felt bad. Jaemin seemed like a lost puppy, standing all by himself as students walked away. But yet again, he felt anger towards the boy to be so immature as to hurt someone he was suppose to cherish with all his life.

"So how was being in class with Mr. Heart breaker?" Renjun spoke after a moment of silence, averting his eyes back to you. You gasped at the nickname, "don't say it like that! You're making it seem as if he was some sort of school fuckboy." you scolded, landing a smack square on his chest.

Renjun laughed before you spoke in a quiet tone, "alot of people were talking bout us when I entered the class without screaming his name and clinging onto him like a koala," you shrugged casually. "He's probably upset even more now that people are talking bout how distant I've been towards him," you added with a heavy sigh.

Renjun patted your head softly, nodding in sympathy. "It'll all blow over soon. After all, you were always dramatic with your actions when it comes to Jaemin." he chuckled as you both entered the ice cream shop, walking up to the counter. "Shut up, Huang." you mumbled with a pout.

"Welcome to Weishen Ice Cream Shop, how may I help you two, today?" the cashier smiled as he came up to the counter, wiping his hand on a wet rag. You recognize him as Qian Kun, he would always give you free ice cream whenever you're down in the dumps.

"Hey Kun," you smiled as Renjun pulled out his wallet behind you. "Y/n, Renjun, pleasure to see you as always." Kun nodded with a charming smile as you started placing your orders, paying for your own ice cream after a brief argument bout who's paying.

"How's Jaemin? I haven't seen him around recently," Kun asked as he scoops up the ice-cream into the neon yellow cup. You tensed at the name, recalling Jaemin's words that night. You muster up a small smile, ignoring Renjun's concerned gaze as you reply.

"He's fine. Haven't seen him in a while either." you shrugged as Kun handed you your ice-cream. "Well, if you see him, tell him to come by. I missed that guy," Kun said with a soft pause in between sentences, sensing the tension in the air once he brought up the teenage boy.

"Shameless self advertising again, old man?" Renjun chuckled as he grabs a spoon off the counter. Kun blinked, pointing the metal ice cream scoop dramatically at Renjun, "Who are you calling old man? I just gave you cheap ice cream and this is how you treat me, Renjun? You should respect your elders, you brat." he jokes.

You giggled as Renjun stuck his tongue out at the older man, you pulled him away before Kun could jump over the counter and start whacking him with the ice cream scoop. "You're so immature sometimes," you laughed as you sat down on one of the booths by the windowsill.

Renjun rolled his eyes with a soft smile, shoving his ice-cream into your mouth to prevent anymore insults from spilling out of your mouth. Unbeknownst to the  two of you, Lee Donghyuck and Lee Jeno were walking side by side to go to an arcade, spotting you and Renjun from across the street through the window.

“Jeno!” Donghyuck halted his movements once his eyes adverted to your laughing figures. “What?” Jeno asked, halting beside the younger boy to turn to see where Donghyuck was pointing at. “Look! Is that who I think it is?” Hyuck exclaimed as Jeno’s eye caught you and Renjun sitting infront of each other in that old ice cream shop, watching as Renjun flicked you on the forehead with a laugh, watching a pout form oon your expression.

“Is that Renjun? And Y/n” Jeno asked, squinting his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. “It looks like they’re on some kind of date,” he added as Hyuck clicked his tongue. “I knew they were close but i didn’t think they were this close,” Hyuck gaped, watching as the two of you continued on with your conversation without a bother in the world.

“Do you think they’re-” he asked, only to be cut off. “No, that’s not possible.” Jeno spoke rather abruptly, his mind flashing back to his best friend. “The soulmate system allows you to have romantic feelings only towards the person you’re bonded with.” he added with a serious tone. Hyuck rolled his eyes at his statement.

“Then what do you call that dense best friend of yours?” he asked, raising a brow at him. “For all the years I’ve known him, he doesn’t seem to show the slightest care for the poor girl, she has the right to feel loved too, you know. Even when it’s from someone else,” Hyuck snapped. 

Hyuck cares bout you. He really does. Not because you always lend him homework answers and notes when he asked, not because of the many talks you two had whenever he had some problems with Mark, but because you were like the sister he never had. Seeing the pain in your eyes whenever Jaemin turns you down was a painful sight to see, he wants you to be happy. 

“Hyuck, Jaemin cares bout her deep down. I know he does. He’s just too stubborn to admit it. I’ve known Jaemin longer than you have, he does like her, trust me. He’s just to stupid to realize.” Jeno sighed, shaking his head profusely at the thought of his best friend. Deep down, Jeno wasn’t even sure what he said was true. He’s heard of the controversial rumour surrounding the soulmate system.

That when the system is rigged, people can have feelings for others that they can’t have.Those whose feelings are reciprocated by someone that aren’t their soulmates were just a sign of God attempting to fix the mistake. No one knows what would happen to those whose feelings aren’t reciprocated. Rumors said that there was a possibility that they vanish into thin air out of despair and heartbreak, some say they were doomed to live the rest of their life feeling loveless.

Others say they consult into more...

Terrifying inhumane methods.

Jeno shuddered at the thought, shaking his head to shake away the horrifying thoughts of what would come to Jaemin and Y/N if this keeps happening. He didn’t want to know what was going to happen if this keeps happening.

“I just hope you’re right, Jen.” 

This is NOT proofread hehe.

Tagging: @morks-watermelon @cherrystay @lowkeyviv @candiednickles @btm-taeyong @d-nghyck @gothmingguk @12am-musings @luvlyjaemin @cowward

[booksandbeanjuice]

𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐔𝐒 𝐈𝐍𝐍 ⌲ 𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘯𝘦𝘳

Word Count: 1205

——————————————————————————

c h a p t e r t h r e e

"Alright, a cheeseburger extra pickles with potato wedges and a chicken tender platter with fries. Would you like any ketchup or honey mustard?" the waitress looked at Piper.

"Ketchup, please," the girl responded. The waitress nodded and took off toward the kitchen while Piper took a sip of her strawberry lemonade.

"Ranch goes better with chicken tenders than any other condiment. Too bad you can't have it," Lillian chuckled.

The brown haired girl rolled her eyes at her friend. Every time Lillian got the chance, she'd brag about how great food is with certain things that she knew Piper couldn't have. 'Ah, the many glories of being lactose intolerant,' as Piper would say.

The two girls were complete opposites, but mentally and emotionally were somewhat the same; it's what makes them such great friends. Lillian was the type of person that you would be intimidated by at first, but would grow to love if you didn't piss her off the first time you'd met. Bold and stubborn are her most obvious traits, but only a few new Lillian for who she was deep down behind closed doors. Piper could read her like a book, but never pushed Lillian when she knew she wasn't ready. Lillian Greene was the friend everyone needed in their lives, but only few have been graced with.

"Has Artemis calmed down a little since Hudson came home?"

Piper was chewing the bite of french fries she had just put in her mouth. "Uh, no, not really." She swallowed her food before she continued. "I mean, he has in the sense of coming home before three in the morning. The dude still goes out and does who knows what, but Hudson keeps close tabs on him. I'm just glad he came home and I didn't have to babysit Art anymore."

The curly haired best friend nodded to Piper as a sign of understanding and comprehension of what she had said. "Well, if you and Hudson ever need a babysitter for him, you know my schedule." Lillian winked at her friend.

Piper gagged. "I still think it's so weird that you like my brother. It's been over ten years now, Lil. You know you can't tame that feral beast."

Lillian shot back playfully, "Hey, a girl can try!"

The friends giggled until a phone notification caught their attention. "Work?" Lillian asked Piper.

"Who else would it be," Piper stated dryly. "They want me to come in fifteen minutes early because they've hired a new girl and she starts today." She started to pile her utensils and things on top of her empty plate of food and took one last sip of her drink. Piper stood up from the booth. "Text me how much mine is and I'll venmo you when I get a chance. I'm so sorry."

Lillian looked at her friend. "Don't worry about it, Pipes. I still owe you for buying my food last week. Call this even."

Piper smiled at her friend and held up her hands in the shape of a heart in front of her chest before she turned around and headed for the front door. Even though her job was just right down the road, Piper got in her car and drove since she wouldn't be going back to Greene's after her shift.

The familiar bells chiming above the door when Piper walked in grabbed the attention of her coworker, manager and the new hire. She made her way over behind the desk to set her belongings down and then faced the people present in the room. The lobby was quiet besides the constant low hum of the vending machine echoing through the space.

"Thank you for coming in early. I know you were probably at lunch with Lillian, and I apologize for that, but Lloyd wanted you to come in so that he could show the new girl around."

The girl smiled softly at her friend. "It's okay, Z. I was finished with my food anyway."

"Right, okay, so welcome to The Lotus, Zoe! This is Piper and Zion. Piper is lead concierge and been here for about four years and Zion has been here for around two and a half. If you have any other questions that I do not answer during your training today, feel free to ask Piper for answers. This girl knows this place like the back of her hand." The dark haired girl glanced at Piper for a second, then at Zion, and then back at Piper. Her second look at Piper could have turned her into stone.

Lloyd and Zoe walked to the back to go over some ground rules and give her papers containing information about her new job. Zion turned to his friend and coworker. "Let's hope she doesn't quit after a week like the last person did."

Piper chuckled, "Yeah, let's hope not."

A few hours go by with foot traffic being steady  for a Thursday afternoon. Zion was forced to take his break with the new girl, which left Piper at the front desk all by herself for half an hour. She didn't particularly mind since there was still an hour or so before the business started to pick up. The girl hopped off of her stool to go scan a room key back into the system as unoccupied. The chiming bells above the front door signaled that someone had probably come in. Piper faintly heard footsteps approaching the front desk and a couple seconds later hearing the bell atop of it ringing out.

"I'll help you in just one second," she called out.

The red indicator on the computer screen switched to green, telling her the key has been unassigned to the previous person. Piper slid the key into it's manila envelope and placed it into the correct number cubby.

"Alright," she said as she exited the room," how may I help y-"

Piper's words were cut off when she saw the person waiting at the desk. She wanted to speak, but she couldn't find the words.

"Hi, Piper. I need a room i- if that's okay,” he quickly stuttered the last part. The boy pushed the sides of his hair that was sticking out under his hat back behind his right ear.

"Of, course you can, Mr. Joyner. Is it just for one night?" Piper asked. The shock and excitement of seeing Owen again after a couple weeks made her want to do a little dance.

"I'll actually be here for about a week," he said.

"A week it is then," she said to him with a smile as she registered a room to him.

Piper went and grabbed a key card for him after taking his payment. He thanked her and went on his way to find his room that he would reside in for the next week. Her mind was spinning a million miles an hour. She hasn't seen the guy for only a short period of time and couldn't get him out of her head for any of it. Why was this guy so special? Why was he so stuck in her mind? Piper didn't have any answers to these questions, but knew this - Oh, what a week this will be.

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