#but I shouldn't keep avoiding it

[kg-clark-inthedark]

Chapter 7 of Beyond the Spheres by kg_clark

I can recall only two moments in my life when I felt completely helpless. The first was the day that changed everything, seventeen years ago when I was suspended motionless in the air to watch Daud drive cold steel through Jessamine’s heart. The second was that horrifying realization that there was nothing I could do as Delilah cast my daughter in stone before my eyes. Now a third moment of powerlessness is coming glaringly into focus as I’m following Alastor into his apartment upon our return from the wedding and he suddenly just…vanishes.

One instant he’s leading me inside, smiling beautifully back at me, and the next he has disappeared into a plume of inky, fading smoke. It happens right in front of me with no warning, just like I had secretly feared it might. I’m not even quick enough to grab his hand, instead swiping the empty air where he had been just a moment ago.

For a few seconds I simply stare in disbelief. Surely I’m imagining things. This must be a cruel trick my mind is playing on me. If I blink a few times, Alastor will be standing before me again, won’t he?

But the seconds keep passing and my pulse begins to pound in my ears as the apartment remains empty and silent around me. Blood rushes through my head and I eventually stagger forward with a delayed gasp.

“Alastor?” I call out to nobody. My voice sounds so harsh and alarmed I barely recognize it as my own.

Please, no.

As I stand frozen, glancing feebly around the apartment, my fingers find the back of my left hand to seek comfort in my rising panic. An onslaught of questions begins, all rattling against one another inside my skull with potential answers too terrifying for me to fully face: What is happening? Was that the same Void-mist I watched Alastor materialize from and fade back into all those times as the Outsider? If so, he couldn’t have gone back to the Void…could’ve he? After all this time, like it’s nothing?

Another, more sinister thought arises as I begin involuntarily pacing the floor of the apartment. If it is the Void that Alastor disappeared to, I doubt he went with intention. He seemed…happy here. He told me the first day we saw each other at the bar that he was enjoying his freedom. He wanted nothing more than to be rid of that abyss for good. No, there’s no way he would’ve chosen to go back all of the sudden like this. He must have been pulled away against his will. In that case, will he be able to escape?

If I’m right, Alastor must be so frightened. It’s that thought, the notion of him trapped and scared with no way for me to help him, that mutates my panic into a sickening despair.

I’m usually shown some type of direction when I’m faced with situations like this. However I don’t know where to begin now. I no longer have any way of accessing the Void. Alastor and his runes were my points of entry. And it’s with uncertainty that I even theorize that’s where he’s gone. The only clue I have to his whereabouts is that fleeting moment of black mist that he left behind. If I had blinked I would have missed it entirely.

Seconds turn to minutes with me pacing the small space and eventually becoming so overwhelmed by what-ifs that I find myself sinking to the floor in distress. I hold my head in my hands. What am I supposed to do here?

I think about earlier today and the shift in our relationship that occurred. All I’ve been able to think about since the moment I found him is getting to the point that we got to today. Today brought certainty, a certainty I’ve been lacking ever since I lost his mark two years ago. Now the future of it all has suddenly been brought right back into question.

I was never a man of faith even before I fell into the Outsider’s favor. Growing up the way I did, losing my father young and needing to fight for a decent life, the teachings of the Abbey of the Everyman always came off as too pious and out of touch for me to include them in my personal beliefs. I’ve watched too many rely on the Abbey for guidance instead of bothering to come to any true understanding about themselves or their situations. However, in moments like this when I am entirely at a loss, I feel myself aching for external guidance. I used to turn to Alastor himself all those years, but now…

I’m drawn over to the window to look out at the night sky. Much like an overseer studying cosmological signs, I search the stars’ shimmering lights for clues. Sokolov described them as guide points in a perilous, black, howling chaos.

Taking a steadying breath, I let go of my pride and ask the cosmos above to bring him back to me. A prayer of sorts. Whatever the endless blanket of fireballs and spheres truly is, whatever its motivations may be, I beg its mercy for the first time.

Please, bring him back.

Continue reading on Archive of Our Own

[serpentface]

Does Janeys know that Brakul has a wife and son? How would he react if he learned?

He actually does know and has known pretty much from the beginning.

Early on in his stint as a POW turned mercenary, Brakul would repeatedly invoke his wife and son as reasons he could or could not do certain things + to insult Janeys like 'okay but some of us have actual, tangible responsibilities in this world and people who depend on them. Like my wife and son, who I will be returning to immediately when my contract is over. You're never going to see me again. On account of my wife and son.'

When he started actually Liking Janeys and wanting to be with him, and seeing a chance to Avoid All Consequences And Never Go Back Home, he gradually reversed course (and attempted to rationalize it to himself) like "Ahhh they'll be fine. I mean everyone probably thinks I'm dead and/or an oathbreaker anyway so Sirudan's gotta be remarried by now. My brother probably got in on that, and he really has his shit together so they're in good hands. Honestly it will be worse for them if I go back. They're better off without me. They're fine. It's not a big deal. I'm soooooo single and unattached btw" And Janeys was like "Okay. Yay."

13 years down the line Janeys almost never thinks about it and when he occasionally remembers it's like

He does not give a shitttt about the wife/child abandonment angle whatsoever, but he's aware that Brakul still has some attachment to them and regrets over skipping out, and he's kind of insecure about it. The concept of Brakul having a child out there completely independent of their whole Thing also makes him uncomfortable in ways he can't really put his finger on. He's not actually scared that Brakul will return to his ex-wife though, like even with all his profound insecurities and abandonment issues he knows there's not a chance in hell that he's gonna actually attempt to make amends. Bottom line is he doesn't like to think about it, and mostly doesn't have to.

[fisheito]

my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled

OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY

[triglycercule]

thinking about mtt literally physically dragging eachother down and being restrained to eachother because theyre genuinely that fucking ass for eachother but then it means i'd have to decide which of them to humiliate by putting a collar on them. and i can't choose. if they dont all equally suffer than whats the point man 🙁🙁🙁

[silentreigns]

The amount of hate Lando is getting is kinda concerning. This time last year people were starting to rate him more because of his consistency. A month or 2 later he was consistently getting podiums and a lot of praise for turning his season around. Now I go on twitter and see a Lando hate post get 100k+ likes. Yes I know it's sports and you're supposed to dislike and root for your athlete but I'm scratching my head like "damn I would feel some kind of way if everyone turned on me like this".

[yoiku]

hkglhklkgjhkjljhk I fucked up a giant file i've been working on bc i resized it to save and share a wip, and it had autosaved before I undid the resize and I had closed the file not thinking about it Q_Q now I only have a version that's one third of the size it was... ghhhhhhh I want my workflow and setup back...

[set-wingedwarrior]

.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

The most scandalous thing about the first ep of Big Dragon is how they're knocking back cocktails like they're shots.

[defiedlife]

meta + dr. ratio cause im self-indulgent jenna

send  [ META ] + a word / phrase / person / etc for a headcanon.

To Aventurine, Ratio is someone he cares for deeply whether it's platonic or romantic. They're colleagues and partners despite working in entirely different departments (and factions, technically) and he wouldn't have it any other way. As risky as his methodology was, one of his proudest achievements to date is forming that partnership. (Quick side note: this is canon; it's in the ANAN interview.)

He's seen many people put Ratio on a pedestal for outstanding academic achievements, and he agrees that those are admirable, to be sure. He's even a little envious, as Ratio clearly had an abundance of opportunity and privilege while growing up where Aventurine himself had little to none. He doesn't blame the good doctor, though; it's no one's fault that they were raised in very different circumstances. That's just fate toying with them both.

However, the value he sees in Ratio and what draws him to the scholar to such an extent is the sheer humanity that he can see with one glance. Ratio's primary philosophy is that knowledge should be shared by and accessible to all, and as someone who grew up without so much as a single book to read, Aventurine admires that desire and generosity immensely. It means a lot to him to know someone whom would readily help tutor and mentor another person in a situation similar to what his younger self experienced.

Ratio's blunt and abrasive personality doesn't matter to him. Sure, it stings at times, but he's heard far worse in the past. Plus, he's experienced first-hand that if Ratio truly crosses a line and gets called on it, a sincere apology will follow—a first, compared to what Aventurine has dealt with before. What really matters is that he looks at Ratio and sees a doctor who seeks to cure ignorance, injury, and illness alike, along with a strong moral code that most in the IPC would sooner scoff at than praise. He sees a man that he admires and trusts—even with his life.

Conversely, this also means that he would gladly protect Ratio with his life without a second thought. In his opinion, the world needs more people like Veritas Ratio.

Their work together on Penacony only served to reinforce his trust. Although Ratio "betrayed" him, that was the plan from the very beginning, which means that Ratio never really betrayed him at all. He counted on Ratio to play a role, and the doctor did so flawlessly. It was impressive—the finest performance Aventurine has ever seen besides his own, and he couldn't be more grateful.

All of the above applies whether platonic or romantic; shipping or not, and whether my Aventurine and any given Ratio muse have interacted before or not.

Now, to address the more romantic side of things with your Ratio specifically—

Aventurine just...wants him to open up more. That's it. That's all he wants. He knows Veritas loves him. He's heard the words said before, and he knows them to be true. The problem is that even though he knows it's true, he still has to stand by and watch Veritas struggle to reconcile with those feelings. It breaks his heart, but he's not going anywhere. If he did, he'd lose the most important person in his life.

He can't risk that for anything in the world, even if the alternative hurts too.

Instead, he just hopes he can get through to Veritas one day. He wants to hear a sincere "I love you" without the assistance of him forcibly (though with consent) lowering Veritas' inhibitions. He will always, always love Veritas to the end of the universe and back, and will always be grateful for everything Veritas has done for him from the first moment they met in the IPC infirmary. But it still hurts.

He can search for the "I love you"s in the little smiles he sees sometimes, or the rare moments that he manages to steal a kiss or hug. He sees it in the way Ratio worries over him and lectures him on being more careful. Such moments are sweet, but needing to search and always pay attention to the finer details every single time is tiring. Whenever he hits a low point mentally, it's enough to make him second-guess whether or not Veritas' feelings are even real.

The minimal affection (or denial of it entirely) and non-committal attitude are soul-crushing when he's so desperate to be loved, and he doesn't know what more he can do to change that. He knows they can trust each other, and his life will always be safe in Veritas' hands. He just wants his heart to feel safe too, and he keeps wondering if that's too much to ask.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

and now it's time to play that ancient game of mine -- moments in my fanfic scribblings that wound up kinda mirroring canon!!

(this is totally just for my own amusement. don't mind me!)

ofmd 204 & 205 spoilers!

this was my fix-it fic that i wrote in a deranged haze the day after 1.09 & 1.10 aired, and then never posted because there were a few small transition scenes in between all the meaty emotional stuff that i was just too lazy to ever finish up. upon rereading, i actually kinda like it and wish i'd finished it though!!! maybe i will one day, and just post it as a historical relic from march '22.

*****

(Ed and Stede meet at last!)

“What’ve you been up to?”

“You haven’t heard?”

“I’ve heard a bit. But I’d rather hear it from you.”

“Oh, you know. Plundering, pillaging, being the punishment this sorry world deserves. That sort of thing.”

“Very neat. And what’s with the–” Stede gestures awkwardly to his own chin.

Ed touches his kohl-painted face. “Wasn’t going to wait for it to grow back in before I got back out there. I’d wasted enough time.”

“Right, yes.” Stede lets out a wistful, slight laugh. “I was starting to get used to your bare face.”

“Really? That’s not what scared you away?”

“I wasn’t scared away.”

“Oh, so you just decided to abandon me for some other reason. That’s great. It feels great, knowing that. Life’s so much better now than it was ten seconds ago. Wait. Fuck.” Ed stands abruptly, shaking the table. “I swore I wasn’t going to do this. I’m fucking Blackbeard, I’m the kraken, I’m hell on waves, I eat babies for breakfast.”

“Oh, Edward.” Stede stares up at him, aghast. “Please tell me you haven’t had a breakfast baby.”

“Obviously I didn’t really,” Ed says impatiently. “It’s just an alliteration thing. It’s the vibes.”

Stede puts a hand to his heart and exhales. “Thank God.”

(okay, with this one i mostly just wanted the breakfast baby joke to finally see the light of day. but there's a slight overlap!)

*****

(Ed and Stede make up very quickly, and then try to make the crew feel cool about that!)

“Hey, Blackbeard.”

“Hey, Black Pete.”

“Oh, it’s just Pete now.”

“Cool, cool. I guess it’s just Ed now, too.”

“Welcome back, Ed. If I could just, uh, say one thing?”

“Sure, mate, what’s up?”

“VENGEANCE!!!” Pete screams, and pushes Ed overboard.

The crew bursts into cheers.

Stede can’t really fault them, all things considered.

“That was just a bit of vengeance for you, babe,” Pete tells Lucius.

“Thanks, babe.”

*****

Once a sopping-wet Ed’s been recovered, there’s the general consensus from all non-Stede crew members that he’s going in the brig.

“We’re really happy for you, Captain,” says Frenchie, “but he’s been a menace.”

“Obviously acting out of deep-rooted pain and some unprocessed childhood trauma,” says Lucius magnanimously. “But all the same, he’s been a massive bitch.”

“I think everyone should get a turn punching him in the face,” says Jim.

“Nobody’s punching anybody!” Stede says, in his clipped captain’s orders! tone. “But you’re right. I’m sorry, Ed; the people have spoken, and the brig it is.”

“No, I get it.” Ed holds up his hands in surrender. “Super fair. And hey, Jim, you can go ahead and punch me if you like.”

“They won’t punch you, they’ve just got hurt feelings–”

Stede is cut off by Jim punching Ed right in the stomach.

Wow. They really don’t waste any time.

“Sucker punch,” breathes Ed through what must be a dizzying amount of pain. “See, I was expecting the face, ‘cause you said the face–”

“Surprise,” says Jim.

****

and this is from a fic i actually posted! [x]

Stede decides to risk getting shot, and puts a hand on his arm. They stand still together. “I wish I’d gotten it right the first time. But this, right now, it’s the next best thing we’ve got. I’ll keep fighting if you want to fight, and I’m pretty sure my crew and I will win our ship back from you and your sorry lot within the week–”

“Pfft.”

“--but while we’re fighting, Ed, just know that I lo–”

But before he can say the words, Ed interrupts. “Nope. Don’t.”

“But I–”

“No.” Ed meets his eyes. “I mean it, mate.”

Stede listens. He lifts his hand from Ed’s arm. “That’s all right. You must know what I mean, if you don’t want me to say it that badly.”

“Of course I want you to say it,” Ed mutters. “That’s the problem.”

“Ah, right. Terrible.”

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Sewerhell Sunday again

Uhhhh post-Ruin/Mimic encounter, Cassie becomes friends with all of Mimic's previous guards very quickly. This is especially the case in situations where they helped guide her and Roxy into defeating Mimic.

The other three guards were the original Roxy, Mangle and the first Foxy. The last time these three dealt with Mimic, it tore Mangle and Foxy's friendship apart. Foxy genuinely hates both of them for what happened and they hate him in return but they all agree that Cassie is more important.

Cassie doesn't blame any of them for what happened before or what happened to her. She's the most sympathetic human they've ever met. Roxy's original (now mostly known as Rockabella or Bella/Rocky for short) in particular was brought to tears within minutes of their first meeting, that's how good she is to them. She understands they struggle to get along and makes a point to hang out with all three of them.

In the setup where the manager fucks the security up and Sewerhell breaks loose, the three older guards end up with an interesting bond with Roxy too. These are the only three animatronics in existence that know the full extent of what she's had to deal with for years and unsurprisingly, that's something she's needed for a very long time. Mangle adopted her as a little sister almost immediately, Bella was a bit slower, offering support but also not really knowing what to do, and while Roxy knows that this Foxy hates her by association, she also has a sneaking suspicion he's taking a slow and gradual shine to her. He's threatened to kill her. She's completely unphased. He's never once even so much as poked her, never mind hurt her.

Honestly, he's got beef with a lot of Sewerhell guys, there's a lot of people telling both Roxy and Cassie to be careful around him. He doesn't really know what to do with these two. He wouldn't hurt Cassie, but he could hurt Roxy. He could! He swears he could! It would take nothing to beat the shit out of her! He could do it!

He's also a fucking liar! Who woulda thought?

[bonefall]

How will you handle the breakup of ShadowClan? While the rebellious apprentices made sense always felt that Darktail should have done more to actively help the rest of ShadowClan and appeal to them as a better leader choice, because in canon it seems they completely arbitrarily decide that they like him as a leader better without explaining why the older cats are going against their xenophobic culture. 

@halogenwarrior

I don’t have a STRONG direction for ShadowClan breaks yet besides knowing that every problem ShadowClan faces, should be related in some way to WindClan refusing to help them. I have strong ideas for how it ends, but the rising action is a bunch of puzzle pieces I haven’t put together yet.

But I DO know that there is a specific problem I want to fix with the rise of the kin; that the ShadowClan apprentices were completely inconsistent.

Darktail first courts them with ANTI-xenophobia, then, a book later, those same apprentices were totally on board with the usual Evil Atheist messaging that WC keeps doing; not feeding elders, training kits, killing indiscriminately, blah blah blah.

One could argue that’s because he started them off on something good, then lead them to bad ideological positions... but I think that’s a stretch. It was weak writing. It’s more of the narrative propping up the Warrior Code as this bizarrely infallible guideline that, without which, cats descend into total lawlessness.

So... what AM I thinking?

WELL, I think I actually want to start the apprentices out as being completely right. Their grievances are probably rash, DEFINITELY not well-spoken, but they ARE born out of compassion. A hard bend towards the Fire Alone ideology. They’re sick of not helping other clans, and of not being helped in turn. When Darktail shows up, he exploits this compassion to get the power he wants.

And by EXPLOIT I mean that he never believed this in the first place. He tells them he named The Kin for being an antithesis to Clans and their emphasis on bloodlines, when he only did that for his own daddy issues. He doesn’t want to take care of the weak and vulnerable. He just needs more cats for his army.

A bunch of cats with similar grievances from other clans join him. Ex-DF trainees, half clan cats, even outsiders who previously would have been excluded from Clan society... and, of course, find themselves unable to leave.

So, many of his ex-followers, like Berryheart, end up taking away the WRONG message here. That outsiders are dangerous. That their institutions will fail them unless they re-commit to their old traditions, reviving the popularity of Thistle Law and setting the stage for The Broken Code.

(and on that note several ex-kin members will probably end up joining the various clans, I do want to try to be clear the problem in this case WAS Darktail and his enforcers, NOT a systemic issue... barring that Onestar’s utter failure created him of course)

[duelcafe]

I’m curious about something...  Instead of bots following me, it’s more just them spam-liking my posts — and second to that is commenting ( though the former is definitely the bigger issue of the two. )  Is that what others are experiencing now with them as well?

[mirmidones]

why do men feel the need to start a conversation with girls all the freaking time. fucking trip into the railroad and die

[coockie8]

did u see the new hazbin hotel thing they released!!!!!??!?!?!?

No, I heard they changed Husk's voice actor so I'm gonna need like a month to come to terms with that.

I'll watch it when I'm done seething.

[doodlboy]

Trying 2 get back in2 a game I abandoned bc of some stuff, I have to start over tho and lose all my stuff bc it was on my old phone :(