#but I should go to work and not make this an entire thesis statement

[spdrvyn]

YOU'RE HERE, THAT'S THE THING — [ wc: 1.7k. college au. fluff-ish? ] nothing cute about uni life. nothing to romanticize about pulling off all-nighters. unless... ?

now that i think about this is the first miguel fic i've written that's not adjacent with spiderverse canon world-building wise 🤔 also kinda silly of me to write a college fic when i'm not even in college so be warned i'll sound probably like a dumbass but hope you guys enjoy anyway!

7:23PM in the evening. Twenty hours until your essay was due.

The blonded hues of the setting sun reflected onto your laptop’s screen, currently open with a completely blank Google Document and nary a draft or outline in sight. As the ice in your half-empty coffee had almost thoroughly melted, you realized that you were completely fucked.

Originally, there was a study group that you were intended on joining somewhere at the start of the week. Hell, you guys shared Notion calendars and made an entire group chat. Only when you courageously sent a message last night asking for a rain check on the plans, you were left on read and down one-hundred dignity points.

That’s how you ended up here, waiting for the adrenaline from the impending deadline to set in. The condensation from your drink wets your palm uncomfortably as you take a sad, bitter sip. Someone could be writing a story about your defeat, writing a ten-page analysis about it, and submitting it at least three days before the deadline like a normal person with a sense of urgency.

When you shut your laptop and concede to the pressure, Miguel walks in to your shared dorm. With thick textbooks and an open backpack slung over one of his shoulders, he pauses at the sight of you. “I thought you’d be out.”

The reminder that your group abandoned you sours your mood even more, you tersely reply: “They ghosted me.”

“Oh,” Miguel tries to sound sympathetic, but it’s obvious that he’s also struggling with a final of some kind with how he ushers all of his belongings to the table you’re currently occupying. He’s told you before that he rarely ever joins study groups, which makes sense. You’ve noticed he’s self-reliant and efficient to an almost terrifying degree when it comes to his academics, awake at ungodly hours of the night to pinch the highest grade that there is. If anything, it’s more likely that he’ll offer to tutor other people.

“What’s on your roster for tonight? I’ve got an essay,” You swiftly put on your document tab again, motivated by how he’s already flipping through his books and copying down notes on his tablet. God, you wished you could just start studying like that.

“Final tomorrow, haven’t started reviewing yet. I basically spent the last two days at the lab for my other final.” He’s writing at a speed that should be considered superhuman, all while he’s answering your pesky questions.

You don’t want to move to another spot, because it would seem rude. Not like his presence is unwelcome, his studiousness just makes you really, really envious. Also the fact that both of you are majoring in completely different subjects.

Majoring in Arts in Literature, while he majors in Genetic Engineering can cause difficulty whenever explaining plans to each other. Miguel puts in the effort to not confuse you with the STEM jargon while you try not to ramble about your current readings and explaining your interpretations of them to someone else instead of writing them down on paper to, you know, submit.

Either way, it hasn’t caused any big miscommunications with being so different and all. You hope he doesn’t mind you beginning to working with him too, as you shyly type a thesis statement into your assignment. Another sip of your coffee, sounds of Miguel scrawling, and you think you may be ready to take this assignment head-on.

~

12:40AM into the night. Fifteen hours until your essay is due.

Shockingly enough, you were able to finish three pages out of five. The grammar so far is probably going to drag you down by fifteen points and you usually send it to your friends to proofread, but it clearly isn’t an option given what time of the day it is right now. It’s still a lot better than the end you saw for yourself when you were left dangling on the edge of failure by your study group.

The caffeine had completely worn off by now, and your coffee had been drained somewhere around an hour ago. When that happens, you usually start to get antsy and it’s even harder to keep the momentum going and when that happens, you take a break and go for a walk or something.

Which is what you’re about to do, as you stand up, but you realize that Miguel is sitting still as a statue in front of one of his books and his eyes scan the words on the page, over and over again. You can’t tell if he’s also losing focus or if he’s knee-deep in focus.

“Miguel,” He sighs when you call his name and the noise makes you wince, fearing that you’ve upset him. “Uhm, I’m going to take a walk. Do you wanna come with?”

It’s an offer that you thought for sure he wasn’t going to take.

What you don’t expect however is for him to slam his reading shut, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of his nose before getting up from his seat. With a huff of, “Sure.”

“Oh- we can go for a coffee run if that’s what you want. I don’t think I can sleep tonight.”

“Ok. Me neither.”

“Great, that’s- that’s great.”

~

Both of you stew in the (semi) comfortable silence as you make the trek from your dorm room and out to the expanse of the campus.

You realize how brisk a walk can become with Miguel considering how abnormally tall he is. Granted, you recognize his subtle effort to slow down for you when he notices how winded you got after only five minutes on the way to the gas station.

It’s a new height that you’ve reached with him, not like you never wanted to grow closer with him or anything. He is your roommate after all, so it only makes sense. Although despite your love for reading that has fender-bendered into a Literature degree in the making, you were never too great at reading people. Miguel is one of the hardest people to read considering his outward stoicism, and both of you being naturally introverted didn’t help at all.

Still, this was the perfect time in your life to make new friends and life-lasting connections. Besides you would also consider yourself pretty pathetic if you wouldn’t be able to make a new one out of your roommate, A.K.A someone who is confined to a room with you for a whole school year. Literally no other choice but to do so.

You wonder if he feels the same way too, but asking each other of your first impressions is a conversation that is really only befitting for people that have been together for years. A status that you have no idea that you’ll ever achieve with him someday.

Though you are quickly broken out of your kind of depressing spiral when Miguel opens the door to the store for you, with a muttered ‘thank you’ you behold the fluorescent lights and hint of smoke. The walk to the coffee machine is instinctive, and you pluck a bag of spicy chips from the shelf on the way. Miguel follows suit, only he picks a bag of pretzels and a pack of gum.

The dispenser chokes out a splatter of coffee into your plastic cup and you flinch at the noise, Miguel spares you a glance but goes back to fidgeting with the pointed edges of his pretzel bag.

“So, what’s your final about?” It’s a stupid question being completely transparent, but fuck it. You’re bored, and the silence only gets more uncomfortable the longer both of you keep quiet.

“Genetic inheritance, the traits passed down from a parent onto a child. That kind of thing,” He muses. “And you?”

“Oh, Les Miserables essay. Five pages total.”

“Long book, and long film.”

Your cup is nearly on the tip of overflowing so you quickly slide it out and put one under for Miguel. “Yeah, I had to do a re-read because it’s been a while. I only finished around two days ago and I started it again at the beginning of the month.”

He gives you an honest chuckle, you take it and you think you’ll remember the sound forever. “One of my, uh, friends sat me down to watch the movie. Fell asleep halfway through, but I do remember it being decent in the parts that I was awake.”

“Well if I can find a totally legal recording of the stage play, maybe that would pique your interest more.”

When you look up at him, he smiles and it might be the happiest you’ve seen him ever since becoming acquainted with each other. It’s not a lot, but you feel over the moon over a small talk about your stupid essay.

…Your stupid essay!

You cut the moment short by haphazardly closing the lids on both of your coffees, you hand it to Miguel who starts to emanate your hurried energy and the walk back to your dorm is very swift.

~

Morning. Some time before your essay is due.

That is what you can assume anyway, the sun is back and its rays peek at you from the gaps in the blinds. Your hair is a frazzled mess as you lift your head off of the pillow which is perched up against the armrest on the sofa, the blanket on top of you shifts, and this was also… definitely not where you fell asleep last night.

You were expecting neck and back pain, along with a mild headache once you woke up. As you came to the sloppy completion of your work, you called it a night, slammed your laptop shut, and decided to just sleep right then and there. Doing your night routine and getting into bed would simply be too much time and work when you probably wouldn’t even be getting that much rest anyway.

There’s a fresh glass of water on the coffee table and a sticky note from Miguel, who you could only assume was the one who put you here.

‘Had to head out early for my exam. Good luck with your essay, there’s food on the counter.’

You slump back into your makeshift bed and pull out your phone from your back pocket, there’s still seven hours until your essay is due and you only need around two for revisions.

Maybe you could sleep in just a little longer, dream about conversations that will never happen, cafe dates that never come to be. But after last night, rather earlier this morning, those odds shift in your favor.

[getvalentined]

I've talked about the Nibelheim Doom Triangle many times, but I'm not sure I've ever actually put into words why I believe Lucrecia made the choice she did, at least not in a public forum. Given that Vincent has reentered the public consciousness with Rebirth, it's probably a good time.

We are not going to subscribe to the statement in the Ultimania that Lucrecia married Hojo out of pity because nobody in the company respected his work the same way nobody respected her thesis, because that's not only entirely out of character, but goes directly against what actually happened. Hojo was the lead assistant on Project S, like Gillian was on Project G; Gast selected him, his ideas, his theories, as being the best option after Project G failed. No one else was given this opportunity. After Sephiroth was born, Hojo was then moved (with Lucrecia and Hollander, but not Gillian, who had left the company) to work on Project 0—Shinra's single most important attempt at forcing humanity to progress as a species. Hojo was respected, and Lucrecia may be callow but she's never been the kind of woman who would marry someone out of pity. With that out of the way, we can get into my take on her decision.

I want to be explicitly clear: I don't believe it has anything to do with how attractive Vincent is versus Hojo, and I don't believe that it should. Asserting that Vincent's level of attractiveness should have been the key deciding factor in Lucrecia's decision does a disservice to her depth of character. Period. That isn't even addressing the fact that we're comparing a man who is eternally twenty-seven years old and was in peak physical condition at the time of his death to a man who is in his early sixties and has clearly not taken particularly good care of himself. We've never actually seen what Hojo looked like when he was young, since SE only ever uses one model for him in all modern iterations, so this is a moot point.

That said, Vincent's appearance was a mitigating factor in Lucrecia's decision—and it worked in Hojo's favor, not Vincent's.

We're almost twenty years out since the release of Dirge of Cerberus, so I feel like I can confidently state that Lucrecia was almost certainly in love with Grimoire Valentine. (This is proven in official meta, wherein Lucrecia's feelings for Grimoire are described using the same terminology as Vincent's feelings for Lucrecia.) It was unspoken, unrequited, and doomed from the start, but the affection she had for that man was every bit as intense as the affection Vincent had for her—in fact, on the official relationship chart, Lucrecia's feelings for Grimoire are described using the same word as Vincent's feelings for Lucrecia. This is a repeating pattern, and that's part of the tragedy. Lucrecia adored Grimoire for his intellect, his drive, his passion; Vincent adored Lucrecia for the same reasons. Vincent refers to her as "the beautiful Lucrecia," yes, but he also describes her as the woman he respected most.

Knowing that Lucrecia loved Grimoire makes sense of how she was so torn between Vincent and Hojo.

Vincent looked like his father, he had his eyes, his nose, his brow. He probably had a fair number of his mannerisms, body language inherited and learned via his upbringing. They probably spoke almost the same way, their voices were similar, they had the same stories and the same sense of humor and the same idiosyncracies. But Vincent wasn't his father—he wasn't even a scientist, he didn't have that academic drive that drew Lucrecia to Grimoire in the first place. He was younger than Lucrecia by a few months, he couldn't be her guide or her teacher, and while he'd been assigned to be her protector, it wasn't the same. It could never be the same.

Hojo, meanwhile, looked nothing like Grimoire. His dark eyes and wide mouth and narrow shoulders were nothing like the man Lucrecia loved and lost through her own mistakes. But his drive, his passion, his determination—my god, it was just like him. Hojo's single-minded certainty, his confidence in his own comprehension, his intellectual unquenchable thirst to understand those things beyond his reach, it was all the same. His body language was different, his speech patterns were different, his research itself was different—but not, it turns out, too different, as Grimoire is indicated to be the first Shinra scientist to propose using foreign material on a child in utero in an attempt to produce something in-between man and god that could be communicated with on a human level. This theory, found amongst Grimoire's body of research after his death, may have actually inspired the direction of the Jenova Project (after working on adults in the Howling Fang failed to produce a functional result), and is directly responsible for the creation of Nero.

Vincent would never do that. Grimoire wrote it down, so we can assume that he would have, if he'd had the chance. Hojo did.

Lucrecia may have seen Grimoire in Vincent with her eyes, but she saw him in Hojo with her mind, and that's the part of him that she loved. That's the kind of man that she loved. That's the part of Hojo that she loved.

Before long, I can't imagine she was seeing him as an echo of Grimoire. Hojo was so different, but he was exactly what she wanted, exactly the kind of man—she thought—with whom she could spend the rest of her life. Working side by side as equals, two scientific minds ready to change the world together in ways that they never could alone.

Vincent, though? Vincent looks so much like his father, Lucrecia never stopped seeing his ghost. Every time she looked Vincent in the eye, she saw his father. Every time he spoke, every time he moved, every time he laughed or grimaced or sighed, she saw his father. Even at the very end, when she believed she'd failed to save him and left him in that tank for Hojo to find, she didn't see Vincent, she didn't see Chaos. She saw Grimoire.

"Did you know your eyes are just like your father's?"

Lucrecia chose Hojo because she had so much love left in her, and the echoes of Grimoire she saw physically in Vincent weren't enough for that love to find a home in him.

Lucrecia chose Hojo because he was alive, and she was tired of loving a ghost.

[wordsandrobots]

IBO reference notes on . . . queerness

How has it taken me this long to write about this aspect of the show? (He asked rhetorically, staring at the enormous amount of fanfic that basically stands as a thesis statement on how very queer this part of the Gundam franchise is [as opposed to all the other terribly straight parts, he added, sarcastically].)

Anyway, let's do it. Full spoilers up to the end of the show will follow, together with discussion of child abuse and exploitation, since that is what IBO is all about.

Special thanks to @lilenui and @prezaki for their invaluable assistance in locating sources.

Statement of caveats: this work is an amateur analysis of the English-language localisations (subtitled and dubbed) of a piece of Japanese media. I do not speak or read Japanese. I am myself bi, which qualifies me to be attracted to more of the cast than the average viewer, and have a working knowledge of LGBTQ+ history in the UK and USA, which tells me nothing about the cultural and historical context in which this anime was made. As such, I will not be addressing the behind-the-scenes production or the corporate mandates surrounding it but will focus narrowly on what I perceive to be present in the text (hereafter meaning both the script and animation, and any additional fictional details provided elsewhere).

Queerness in Gundam

Some background before we dive in. To my knowledge, the first character in the Gundam franchise to be intentionally depicted as LGBTQ+ is Guin Sard Lineford from Turn A Gundam (1999). An ambitious young aristocrat who spends the series on the line between hero and villain, he is infatuated with protagonist Loran Cehack and the show makes little attempt to play this as anything other than one man falling in love with another.

This is entirely one-sided and not appreciated on Loran's part, although that seems to have less to do with it being homosexual attraction than with Guin's high-handed and entitled attitude to life, filtered through heavily gendered social norms. For plot reasons, Loran spends several episodes cross-dressing as 'Laura Rolla', corsets and all, and Guin continues referring to him as 'Laura' long after the deception is no longer required, saying it 'suits him better'. Guin is eventually called out on this by a third character, who accuses him of forcing an idea of feminity on the other man rather than stoop to place himself in the position of a 'wife'. Objectifying Loran is presented as of a piece with Guin's overall flaws as a person, to whit, putting his own views about how things should be above the material reality and desires of those around him.

Guin is also the only explicitly gay character in the show (I'm honestly not sure how to classify whatever Dianna Soreil and Kihel Heim have going on, but it's certainly not labelled in the text). Therefore no counterpoint is provided to demonstrate healthy queer relationships. I don't state this to dismiss his inclusion: he forms part of a smart, nuanced plot thread, and Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino had to fight to get Guin's homosexuality clearly included. But even so, Guin is a palpable step forward rather than a watershed moment, and the end result veers close to some nasty stereotypes about queer people imposing their desires on others.

There are other examples of characters transgressing gender norms in Turn A, most especially Loran's aforementioned cross-dressing. He is comfortable playing the part of 'Laura', in ways that mitigate viewing this situation as the extended joke it might be in another production. Funny moments do come up – particularly in the lead-in to his 'debut' as he acclimatises to the female attire of the show's pseudo-Edwardian setting and takes posture lesson – but he and the concept of a man in ladies' clothes are never made a subject of mockery. The same cannot be said for the character of Sochie Heim, whose attempts as a young woman to fulfil a gung-ho masculine role often turn comedic. This is part and parcel of her assaying militaristic modes of action, which are soundly mocked across the board. It nevertheless stands out next to Loran/Laura.

Further, Loran's status as a literal moon-child carries implications for his attitudes. His dismissal of existing social standards on Earth is very much presented as correct, and in keeping with what I know of Tomino's other writing and stated beliefs, but it dovetails unfortunately with a treatment of queerness as otherworldly, not something that may be found among an average population. We get another example of cross-dressing in the next-but-one series, Gundam 00 (2007, not a work Tomino helmed), where the usually male-presenting artificial lifeform Tieria Erde switches to a female presentation (in a ball-gown, no less) during a covert mission. This sufficiently parallels Loran's case, I assume it was a deliberate call-back, being as it is a disguise enacted by someone even less typical than a boy from the moon.

What I am driving at is that while Guin, Loran and Tieria may be characters who are queer or perform queerness in some manner, they do not necessarily represent an outright embracing of queerness as a mundane facet of everyday life.

Fast-forward to 2024 and the latest mainline Gundam show is a lesbian romance.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you will know I do not hold The Witch From Mercury in especially high regard. I think it is annoyingly messy, frequently half-baked, and, broadly-speaking, exactly as frustrating as I'd expect from the guy who wrote Code:Geass. It's still an explicit love story that opens with a clangingly blunt statement about the acceptance same-sex relationships and ends with the two female leads happily married to one other. For all its flaws, I genuinely think the central relationship between Suletta Mercury and Miorine Rembran is a nice piece of story-telling, not to mention admirably open about what it is doing. Like it or lump it, Gundam is gay now, properly, with a protagonist and co-protagonist who can be definitively labelled queer and whose romance appears entirely unremarkable for the setting (in terms of being same-sex; clearly there is a lot to remark upon otherwise).

I would be remiss if I did not mention that the conclusion of the series was accompanied by a certain amount of corporate arse-showing, with hollow attempts to walk back the ending seemingly for the sake of appeasing homophobic elements within and without the companies that produce Gundam. The frankly laughable nature of these actions stands testament to how unequivocal G-Witch is. It is flatly impossible in my opinion to interpret as anything other than flagrantly homosexual, and that's great.

Between this interesting but limited start and the full-throated present lies Iron-Blooded Orphans (2015), my absolute favourite and the show that got me writing slash fic after years of… not doing that. So: what is the deal with queerness in IBO?

Natural for a human

By my count, including all present spin-offs, there are three characters stated in-text as being attracted to people of the same gender (Yamagi Gilmerton, Iznario Fareed, Deira Nadira), two who are at the least open to the idea (Norba Shino, Mina Zalmfort), two whose mutual attraction is stated within the context of polyamory with a third person of the opposite gender (Atra Mixta, Kudelia Aina Bernstein), one whose sexuality is briefly hinted at (Chad Chaden), and one male character who is possibly not attracted to women (Orga Itsuka).

Let's get Iznario out of the way first, because the less time we spend on the actual paedophile, the better.

Lord Iznario Fareed is a rich, powerful aristocrat who sexually abuses young blonde boys and inadvertently sets large parts of the plot in motion as part of quasi-villain McGillis' backstory. In a lesser show, Iznario would be the embodiment of the 'predatory queer' stereotype Guin skirts the edge of. Here, however, he is very much not the only 'gay' character present and his proclivities demonstrate one of the many ways the world exploits vulnerable children, a core theme of the series. Early on, we see fleeting glimpses of young girls being pimped out on the streets of Mars. Iznario shows this social failing extends to the much richer Earth and although he is portrayed as the worst among the Gjallarhorn elite, they all abuse their power for personal gain. Thus, as much as the reveal of what he has done carries a certain shock value, it is not present purely for cheap impact. (This isn't the essay to discuss it, but the flashbacks to McGillis being abused as a child are a masterclass in how to frame such things around the victim, clearly communicating what's happening while avoiding gross voyeurism.)

I don't know how deliberate it is the canonical gay character who is shown in an entirely positive light fits the profile of Iznario's victims to a T, but it does underscore we're looking at a case of power allowing people to get away with hideous things, not a stand-in for queerness in general. To an extent I resent having to spell this out, since it seems so obvious Iznario is not fulfilling the role of a homophobic cliché. Sadly, the cliché exists and the point is worth discussion.

Moving swiftly on: Yamagi and Shino.

Yamagi Gilmerton is a small, quiet teenage boy with a somewhat withdrawn and acerbic personality, who spends much of Iron-Blooded Orphans nursing a hopeless crush on mobile suit pilot Norba Shino. Like the majority of the cast, Yamagi is a child soldier, but a mechanic rather than a combatant. Additional backstory commentary reveals that he struggled on joining CGS mercenary group due to his physique. Indeed, while this detail is not directly referenced in the anime itself, he is indeed drawn noticeably thinner than the other boys.

Again, we veer towards stereotypes, where a queer character is portrayed as weaker and more effeminate. Yet in spite of leaning this way in looks, Yamagi is an eminently capable person, never treated as lesser for fulfilling a support role rather than being a fighter. If anything, IBO goes out of its way to highlight how vital good mechanics are to mechanised warfare, and we see multiple examples of Yamagi being both assertive and kind of badass. At one point, he scales, unaided, an 18 metre tall mobile suit that's collapsed to its knees. When he and Shino are revisited in spin-off game Urdr Hunt (soon to be some form of animated production), he pilots a spaceship within an active battle-zone, flying escort for a damaged freighter as it retreats. In Season 2, he's comfortable ordering Tekkadan's new recruits around and is the first person to properly chew Orga out for his failings as a leader. Far from being an outlier among the protagonists, Yamagi is equally brave and dedicated to the cause, irrespective of his sexuality.

To be fair, he does tend to clam up and grow more awkward around the object of his affections. To be equally fair, he has the misfortune of having fallen for the most oblivious himbo on God's red Mars.

Shino is a big, boisterous warrior, the polar opposite of Yamagi in personality and physicality. He embodies Tekkadan's machismo, eagerly anticipating the chance to prove their strength and generally being a standard bearer for becoming the biggest, baddest group around. Things are not as straightforward as they seem on the surface, however. He shows a good awareness of when the group is in over their heads – going so far as to suggest retreat in the face of bad odds several times – and he is not nearly as sure of himself as he might first appear. He displays a wide streak of insecurity about his abilities as a soldier, reacting badly to people questioning his dedication or competency. And he crumbles completely when some of his comrades are killed as the result of a split-second mistake on his part, stating a wish to have died in their place. Thereafter, he acts in ways that read as choosing to take all the risks on himself rather than go through more loss. It makes him an interesting mix, someone who acts as a cheerleader, boosting everyone else's morale, while swallowing his own doubts and personal fatalism.

He is also presented as one of the most sexually active members of Tekkadan, using his wages to visit brothels to sleep with women. Indeed, he is frequently found extolling the virtues of the opposite sex, referencing collections of pornography (at least in the English dub), and generally being a very typical teenage boy about such matters.

Given this, you might assume Yamagi is longing hopelessly for a straight man. That is indeed the idea the show teases us with for much of its run (can something be straight-baiting? I feel if anything ever earned that title, it's this). OK, Shino's fond of Yamagi as a friend and frequently relies on his assistance in improving his fighting ability, and per ancillary material, is the one who got Yamagi transferred to the mechanics corps in the first place, rescuing him from struggling in the infantry. And sure, Shino spends an awful lot of time in very close proximity to Yamagi, including literally pulling him into the cockpit to assist with a mission. And yes, Shino is absolutely a flamboyant creature, sporting gold ear studs and an attraction to the colour pink, ensuring his mobile suits are painted all over magenta in order to stand out on the battlefield. And certainly, Shino is extremely empathetic, adjusting his attitude depending on his impressions of other people, such that he dials his boisterousness down in Yamagi's presence, displaying a far more gentle affection than he does with his other friends.

But clearly he hasn't noticed Yamagi is head over heels for him.

Right?

Well, towards the end of Season 2, during another moment where Yamagi is literally sitting on Shino's knee, Shino proposes the two of them drink together all night long once the fighting is over. Not only is this an unambiguously romantic overture (he's asking while pushing aside the fringe that normally covers half of Yamagi's face, in order to look into his eyes properly), it comes after a joke several episodes earlier in which Shino has to explain to a less worldly comrade that a girl inviting you for a drink is not a request to go out with the whole gang but a far more intimate gesture (I say explain, it's more expressing incredulity Akihiro didn't realise Lafter was asking him on a date). Later, it is revealed Shino did indeed work out that Yamagi 'likes' him (to his friend Eugene's exasperation that it took him so long to notice), and he reacted with amazed delight to discover there was someone in Tekkadan who'd fall in love with 'a guy like me'.

He'd assumed because Tekkadan is a family (a description provided by their ally Naze, which everyone just kind of runs with), romantic love wasn't possible between them. Having worked through this mental block and finally realised the blindingly obvious, he renews his desire to protect Tekkadan as long as he lives, refuting his previous view of himself as an expendable human shield and heading out with every intention of surviving all the way to the end.

And because IBO is an exquisitely-written tragedy, he is promptly killed while attempting a futile one-man attack against their enemies, his advances on Yamagi forming part of a long build-up whereby the boy who loves him provides the tools he needs to charge into a suicide run.

Right then. *drags out the reading comprehension soap-box* I have seen some people refer to this as an example of the 'bury your gays' trope, and there is nothing more likely to get me manifesting behind you in the form of an irate shoebill than to do likewise. 'Bury your gays' refers to a tendency for queer characters in fiction to disproportionately suffer tragic fates. This is a writing choice usually rooted in the idea queer relationships are inherently tragic, either because they are viewed as a perversion of 'correct' forms of love, or because of some misguided idea the prevalence of homophobia means queer joy is impossible. I am going to be charitable and concede this is indeed a case where one half of a budding homosexual relationship dies horribly. But, as always, the context matters.

All but one of the romantic relationships established prior to the epilogue of Iron-Blooded Orphans end in death. Of the two that survive in some capacity, one is a heterosexual background romance between two older characters and the other is a pair of women I shall be covering later. IBO is a story about child soldiers that does not shy away from the fact these are teenagers being fed into a meat-grinder. That the director's original intention of killing every named character was toned down (to the series immeasurable benefit, in my opinion) dos not change a narrative arc towards doom.

Within this, Yamagi and Shino aren't singled out for being queer. The coyness around Shino's eventually-evident bisexuality serves to generate an instant of hope and relief right before the rug is pulled from under everyone's feet. Where Shino's death does differ from those of other characters is in presentation: he dies alone and does not get any form of farewell or the passing-on moment afforded to others. But that is only to be expected, since we're talking about the point where it becomes clear there is no saving the situation. It's a cruel, abrupt moment of bad luck, puncturing the heroic idea of scraping victory at the last second. Shino flew out intending to live and he died anyway. A queer relationship forming part of what he was fighting for is an almost incidental detail.

(As an aside, I am aware of two other examples in Gundam fiction where a pilot and a mechanic have a doomed love affair. One is in Char's Counterattack, where a male engineer's romance with a female pilot ends with them both being abruptly killed, and the other is from Gundam AGE, where a female mechanic sacrifices herself for the greater good, leaving a male pilot to mourn her loss for the rest of the series. Shino and Yamagi reiterate this same concept.)

Stepping back from the tragedy, Yamagi's love for Shino is as delightfully underplayed as the other relationships in the show, with little emotional melodrama being wrung from the romance itself. Yamagi can't bring himself to declare his feelings, frequently turning cold instead and perpetuating Shino's misunderstanding of where they stand. Yet Shino ultimately proves enthusiastic for the idea, rendering moot any concerns Yamagi had over getting turned down (going beyond the text, a Q&A with the series' director confirmed Shino was written as bi). Equally, in the aftermath of Shino's death, Eugene comforts Yamagi by relating the truth of Shino's earlier realisation and even going so far as to rebuff Yamagi for implying there's something wrong with him for grieving. This and other interactions in the same episode imply those nearest to the pair were well aware of Yamagi's desires and had absolutely no problem with them. The prevailing attitude within Tekkadan is one of complete acceptance for its members and this is no different.

Indeed, for me, the most important part of how queerness is represented in IBO is that it is treated as just another aspect of the diversity of the cast. I've seen it stated that viewing homosexuality as a natural part of human existence was Tomino's motivation in making Guin gay. IBO presents us with the same idea, far more seamlessly and far more positively.

Now, let's leave the anime proper and look at the same-sex pairing from spin-off manga Iron-Blooded Orphans: Moon Steel.

Deira Nadira and Mina Zalmfort are part of the Gjallarhorn nobility and their marriage was arranged to strengthen relations between their two families. We see an example of a similar political match in the main show, where the heir to the Fareed family, McGillis, is betrothed to the second child of the Bauduins, the much, much younger Almiria. That this can take place regardless of the gender of the participants has big implications for the functioning of a bloodline-focused aristocracy. Presumably it indicates they are happy to use medical technology to ensure the Nadira family continues into the next generation, and if same-sex marriages are thus permitted, that means fewer factors to worry about when it comes to perpetuation. Whether male-male weddings are allowed too remains an open question; given the existence of real-world double-standards, it is possible Deira and Mina represent the only acceptable form of homosexuality. Nevertheless, that it is accepted speaks volumes. Gjallarhorn is not an especially progressive organisation, built as it is on rigid class structures and notions of human purity. Yet here we are.

Perhaps we should have expected that the norms around gender in this system don't correspond to strictly patriarchal patterns from the real world. Carta Issue, a key player in Season 1 of the anime, is the only child of the Issue Family's current leader and positioned as his sole heir, irrespective of the fact she's a woman. The logical inference is that any children of hers would count as Issues, rather than belonging to a potential husband's family. Deira is similarly the heir to her father's position, although intriguingly, it's not outright confirmed if she is his only child or simply the oldest. The possibility exists that gender is a non-factor in determining inheritance.

With respect to sexuality, Deira seems pretty obviously intended to be a lesbian. Her relationship with Mina is presented as one they are both happy with, despite it being an arranged by their parents, and Deira is depicted in the manual for Gundam Gremory's model kit as favouring the clothes of 'a handsome man'. She doesn't present that way within the manga' story, first showing up wearing the standard unisex Gjallarhorn pilot-suit, then wearing a formal gown for a meeting while in an official capacity. But she is depicted wearing masculine clothes in silhouette when initially mentioned and in a post-story panel at the back of the final volume.

(Another aside: the fan translations I use for this part of the manga refer to Deira using male pronouns when she's introduced. However, that could simply be down to the poor quality of said translation; she's consistently referred to using female pronouns in official materials and the game adaptation of this scene has her named as simply 'Lord Nadira', the standard appellation for Gjallarhorn family heads.)

Whether Deira's code-switching is the result of institutional expectations around her role or personal preference, it adds extra texture to her depiction. While civilian garb was designed for the adult version of Carta and closely matches conservative gender expectations for a woman, she's never shown wearing it, so we don't have a point of comparison to judge what's required of a character in Deira's position.

Regarding Mina, you'll notice I grouped her with Shino rather than the characters whose sexuality I consider to be stated outright. With Shino, the nature of his sexuality is not put absolutely beyond question in the text. This is splitting hairs due to the overt nature of what's on screen but the fact remains, the anime doesn't clarify if his being open to Yamagi's love means he already thinks of himself as bisexual, or if this is something he hadn't considered before. With Mina, it's more a case that I'm unwilling to label her one way or the other based on the available information. Deira carries sufficient signifiers, I find little room for doubt over the intention. We also have an outright statement that she holds great affection for Mina regardless of being obliged to consider her an eventual romantic partner. Indeed, she becomes so upset by believing her fiance dead, she runs off to Antarctica in a Gundam. But the exact depth of Mina's feelings in return is not discussed.

In addition, Mina is considerably younger than Deira. McGillis and Almiria's match takes place when he is (probably) somewhere in his late twenties and she is nine, with plans for the union made four years prior. This is not great, to put it mildly, albeit fairly typical of how such things have historically worked for nobility. Based on appearances and how they are treated by the rest of the cast, I would assume Mina to be in her mid-teens, and Deira to be in her early twenties (annoyingly, exact ages are provided for several characters in Moon Steel, just not these two). A less dramatic gap (and I don't believe Mina is meant to be quite as young as her appearance perhaps suggests), yet still significant when one of the people involved is below what we'd consider adulthood.

There is no indication of anything untoward going on, within the confines of the situation, similar to how we're given no indication McGillis is abusive towards Almiria. Any comparisons with Lord Iznario's activities lie purely along the axis of how children are exploited by adults even without suffering directly. All indications are that Deira and Mina have made the most of something they have little choice in. Regardless, I still feel more comfortable describing Mina as open to being in a relationship with another woman, rather than pinning her to a specific preference.

Continuing the theme of things where doubt or ambiguity exist, let's discuss some characters were there shouldn't be any: Atra and Kudelia.

I don't know about you, but I find it extraordinarily hard to read this as anything other than a three-way love-confession. Still, in the interests of fair play, let's review the wriggle room for declaring this something else.

Kudelia Aina Bernstein and Atra Mixta are love interests of nominal protagonist Mikazuki Augus, in an iteration of another tried-and-true trope, that of a male lead inexplicably being attractive to the female characters in his orbit. Or rather, it would be if the show didn't take such pains to demonstrate why these girls fall for him, setting up a long-established crush on Atra's part (rooted in him being the first person in the world to be nice to her) and a mutual respect on Kudelia's that gets spurred to more when Mikazuki randomly decides to kiss her because she 'looked cute' (Mikazuki has the manners of a feral stray raised on the streets, because that's precisely what he is).

Justification aside, this has the makings of a traditional triangle, that is, one without a connecting base, which we might expect to be resolved by either Kudelia or Atra 'losing out'. For a few episodes, this does indeed seem where we are headed. Then Atra discovers the concept of polyamory via the polygamous Turbines group and all bets are off.

Having realised it is perfectly possible for a family to consist of multiple romantic partners, Atra proceeds to work towards ensuring everyone gets everything they want. Strictly speaking, this doesn't mean she is attracted to Kudelia as well – even if she clearly recognises Kudelia as an attractive person from the start and…

You know what? Acknowledging that the information about their eventual marital status was only stated in interviews at live events with no official record and seems to have been framed around raising the son Atra has with Mika, I'm going to abandon the pretence of both-sided objectivity and go straight for the throat. Turns out my patience for soft-footing this lasts about as long as it takes to say 'bi-erasure'.

Over the course of Season 1, Atra not only decides the end-game is some form of three-person wedding, she also:

Shows no jealousy over Mikazuki and instead chides him for not providing the correct emotional support to the girl he kissed.

Spends a great deal of time with Kudelia and enthusiastically throws herself into furthering Kudelia's goals, without necessarily understanding the technicalities.

Covers for Kudelia by pretending to be her during a confrontation with Gjallarhorn soldiers, getting herself soundly beaten up in order to prevent them from chasing after the real deal.

Drives an armoured car through a battlefield for Kudelia's sake, safely delivering her to a vital rendezvous.

Leaps in front of a massive mobile suit to push Kudelia out of its path, physically shielding the other girl with her body.

As much as it pains me to resort to the 'if this were a man and a woman, would it read as romantic' crudity – yes! Yes it would! Especially since in Season 2, Atra presents Kudelia with a good-luck charm bracelet she has woven, something she previously did for Mikazuki explicitly out of having a crush on him. I'm all for embracing platonic love (which is why Takaki and Aston are not featuring in this rundown) and there's nothing in the above list necessarily entailing attraction beyond deep friendship. But when Atra consciously repeats her actions towards Mikazuki (someone she goes on to definitely have sex with) with Kudelia and it leads to the scene between them where they declare how they feel about each other and Mikauki, looking for non-romantic angles takes more effort.

After all, if we are to read Shino's openness to Yamagi's affection from the things he says and how he looks saying them, we can certainly do the same for Atra and Kudelia's use of the word 'like' in reference to one another and their reactions to hearing it said of them. (Obligatory note that if there is some nuance in the original Japanese the translation doesn't capture, I'd love to hear about it. The English scripts, however, leave little to the imagination.)

It is indisputable that Atra feels a strong affection towards Kudelia and while I have been focusing on her a lot (she is by far the most proactive member of the triad), Kudelia reciprocates at every opportunity she is presented with. Even if there truly wasn't an intention to portray this as exactly equivalent to Atra and Mikazuki, the end result manages to be on par with Yamagi and Shino. Consider Kudelia and Mikazuki, for example. In terms of portrayal and the two-girls-one-guy trope being explored here, they have the same level of chemistry and the same absence of overt consummation as Kudelia and Atra, and it would hardly be a serious position to claim the show does not place the two of them in romantic conjunction, now would it?

You may at this point be wondering why I am getting so defensive of reading Kudelia and Atra as romantic partners. Honestly, I am too. On reflection, I think it's because IBO is playing around with such a worn-out and insipid means of wringing drama from characters who should know better, I keep searching for the catch. And yet there isn't one. This show really did respond to a nascent love chevron by having the mousy, homely girl tell the governor's beautiful daughter to shut up and get in the polycule, and turned it into a true triangle.

That's wonderful. I cannot properly express the wave of joy and relief that came over me when I realised this was the direction they were taking. It ends in tragedy, of course, Mikazuki giving up any chance of a peaceful life to die in battle, far away from the women who love him. But their lives continue because of his sacrifice and by all appearances they remain together. In some ways, for the overarching message of hope persisting on the back of heartbreak, the precise details of that arrangement don't particularly matter. So why not take the gayest reading possible?

What an excellent segue into a blink-and-you'll-miss-it, probably-stretching-too-far, nonetheless-compelling potential bit of queerness: Chad in the series epilogue.

One of the many tertiary characters in Tekkadan, Chad Chaden has minor speaking parts throughout Season 1 and a larger role in Season 2. He initially appears during a particularly dire early moment when it looks like everyone is about to be killed by attacking mobile suits. His obvious resignation to this fate sets the tone for a rather dour personality, at least while on the clock. Chad starts out as human debris, a person enslaved after a space battle and sold to the CGS military group as free labour. This gives him a very matter-of-fact attitude towards fighting and the kill-or-be-killed nature of being forced into it – he voices the sentiment that even when facing other human debris, they can't afford to show mercy.

Off the clock, Chad displays a more sensitive personality. He seems studious, learning about interplanetary communications from Kudelia's maid Fumitan and later being promoted to leader of Tekkadan's Earth branch. He has some difficulty acclimatising to being treated as a free person, proving unsure about the concept of wearing a smart suit instead of his normal fatigues. And he grows anxious when he returns to Mars to discover nobody told him two of the few adults in the group (Yukinojo and Merribit) had started dating, worrying that he's no longer 'one of the guys'.

The most we learn about his relationship preferences prior to the series epilogue comes in a comedic sequence about a third of the way into Season 2, when Shino suggests a trip to a local brothel. Eugene responds by proclaiming that he's realised money will not buy him true love. This prompts Chad to ask Merribit if this is true and, on her saying she supposes so, opts out of the trip as well. Judging by his body-language in the next frame where he appears, this is possibly a decision he regrets – perhaps owing to his anxieties, since he just passed up the chance for some team-bonding.

None of this is directly relevant to the topic of this essay. If anything, the scene I just described suggests that, like Eugene, Chad has previously gone along with Shino in paying for sex with women, only to discover he wanted more than just physical intimacy. But then we get the exchange in Kudelia's office during the last episode, following a time-skip after Tekkadan's defeat and dissolution. Now working for Kudelia as an assistant of some kind, Chad notes that Merribit is shortly to give birth to her and Yukinojo's second child, saying he and Yamagi intend to meet up later to plan a celebration. Eugene reacts with amused disbelief, accusing them of just wanting an excuse to go out drinking, to which Chad retorts, 'what's wrong with that?'

And the thing is he's blushing when he does. Which may simply be because Eugene is accusing him of slacking off – IBO characters blush all the time and their embarrassment is frequently to do with being caught acting immature or otherwise against how they want people to see them. But given the weight that 'drinking the night away' carries in regards to Yamagi following Shino's actions shortly prior to his death, it is easy to speculate this represents something more specific.

As far as I can recall, Chad and Yamagi do not interact at all over the course of the show's two seasons, meaning these lines present a rather unexpected combination of characters. Eugene would have seemed a more likely candidate to associate with Yamagi. He's positioned as Shino's closest friend, he comforts Yamagi over his grief, and they are together for much of the climax to the series' plot. So what has happened in the years since, that Eugene's teasing should elicit a blush from Chad instead?

If we put on our shipping goggles, it's far from a nonsensical pairing. Chad goes through an arc not too dissimilar to Shino's. He is knocked into a coma while protecting an ally from a bomb blast and subsequently the Earth branch gets swept into a war orchestrated by one of the factions within Gjallarhorn. On recovering, he blames himself for the many deaths that result, echoing Shino's line about thinking it better if he'd died in place of his comrades. On returning to Mars, he jumps head-first into mobile suit training, determined to make up for his perceived failure as a leader and cheering himself up through rigorous activity. Different though their personalities appear on the surface, there are clear commonalities here. Further, Chad's responses to his traumatic experiences have a more measured quality to them than Shino's. He is not nearly as reckless and provides clear directions to his comrades even while acting as a decoy against a dangerous enemy, rather than abandon any attempt to be an effective leader. Taken together, and coupled to a more long-term view of romance, these qualities might make him a 'safer' version of things Yamagi loved about Shino, creating space for them to be drawn together.

Or perhaps they're simply the most logical points of contact between the ex-Tekkadan survivors at the Admoss Company and Kassapa Factory and intend to make that an excuse to get companionably plastered for no greater reason than it being a nice time. I am speculating over a couple of lines and an animation choice. Nevertheless, it does not feel like unreasonable speculation. When we already have a veritable gaggle of characters who are queer or may trivially be read as such, it's hardly a stretch to assume one more.

Chad/Yamagi doesn't appear to be a thread the fandom at large has pulled on much, likely because the pairing of Shino and Yamagi is so prominent, it eclipses a mere throwaway possibility. But I'm glad it exists within easy reach. And even if we take off our goggles, these lines demonstrate life for the characters has not stopped. The ex-slave and the gay kid are not stuck, trapped by the tragedies of their past. They have instead grown in both confidence and happiness and now have peaceful, stable lives where they're on going-out-drinking terms. That above all is why I wanted to explore this exchange: it reinforces Iron-Blooded Orphans' rejection of the idea the suffering people like Chad and Yamagi go through is perpetual or inevitable.

OK, one more character to look at. Let's talk about Orga and asexuality.

Orga Itsuka, leader of Tekkadan and instigator of the series' events, is notable for his charisma, his drive to provide a safe home for his comrades, and his complete unsuitability for the grown-up activities he attempts. Trying to party all night leaves him puking up his dinner. He forces himself into a suit and tie to handle the administration of a break-out paramilitary company, despite finding it stultifying and bewildering. His goals spin like a weather-cock, as he's surrounded by older characters possessing strong convictions while unable to stick to his own. And he is ultimately undone by an unwillingness to ask for help, having assumed that, as leader, he must decide everything alone.

I suspect his expressed lack of interest in women is intended to help convey overall immaturity. Orga is a good soldier and tactician, but he plainly isn't prepared for adulthood, lacking the grasp on the complexities of life that implies. Making him uncomfortable about sex serves to heighten the impression of a teenager trying to navigate circumstances for which he's not yet ready.

Relatedly, it should be stressed Orga stating he 'doesn't care' about woman is a response to Eugene asking if he agrees love and kindness are what's important, as opposed to Shino's endorsement of boobs. On hearing this response, Eugene proceeds to mock his commander for inexperience. That he himself has only just had his first sexual experience with another person and previously said much the same about not caring about sex simply proves hypocrisy is a fundamental aspect of Eugene's characterisation. The whole scene is very teenage.

Matters have not improved much when Orga and Eugene's dynamic is revisited in one of the side-stories released via the Iron-Blooded Orphans G mobile game. A year and change later, Eugene continues to act superior about having 'experience' where Orga doesn't.

Orga takes this rather poorly.

(Subtitles by @trafalgarlog)

Eventually Merribit has to shout at them to stop being brats, shaming them for behaving like argumentative children. It's funny – and then you remember they basically still are children and this is headed towards more carnage that will not spare them for being young. Such it is to engage with Iron-Blooded Orphans.

What does any of this tell us about Orga's sexuality? In principle, taking it as a device to convey immaturity, nothing. Orga's persisting virginity could simply mean he's not worked out this aspect of himself yet. He is a busy young man who likely hasn't had the time to try.

Alternatively it could mean he is gay. Mikazuki/Orga is an extremely popular ship in the fandom and we might take Orga's professed lack of interest in women as 'evidence' of him swinging the other way.

Or we could take my view, that Orga is asexual and his embarrassment is rooted in just not getting what the big deal is.

To immediately clarify, I don't think he is ace because he 'hasn't worked out what he wants', I think he's ace because he blushes on admitting he doesn't care about women and does not try to prove otherwise once he's in a position where he could easily do so. In circling back to the same joke for the side-story, the writers portray Orga as continuing to be uninterested in sex and sensitive over being needled about it. Again, a feasible interpretation is that he's into guys. Yet this is an argument with Eugene, whose response to the idea of Yamagi being in love with Shino is basically 'you mean you didn't notice?' Eugene is a dork and jerk; he isn't bigoted. None of the Tekkadan guys are. It's unclear if homophobia is even a factor in the setting. Sexism is, but when someone as superficially macho as Shino is comfortable with male/male attraction, and there are same-sex weddings inside Gjallarhorn, we cannot assume stigma exists around being gay. So why should Orga be worried, unless it goes beyond a question of who you're attracted to and into the answer being 'nobody at all'?

When you're surrounded by people who happily wax lyrical about how the joys of sex make you a real man, the absence of a libido might easily become a sore point.

Again, I'm supposing. Again, there is room to do so. As I touched on with Chad, it is easy to read queerness into the text when the assumption of straightness has been taken away, which is something this show does wholeheartedly and deliberately.

Orga Itsuka is one of the first characters I looked at and realised, not only shouldn't I assume heterosexuality, I shouldn't assume sexual attraction at all. I cannot credit Iron-Blooded Orphans alone with this. I do credit it with being a piece of media that applies itself to inclusiveness in ways quite remarkable for a show about giant robot fights, produced to market toys.

The word we want here is 'normalisation'. IBO has a lot to say about what constitutes 'normal' and a lot of it accords well with my own views, particularly those that have me twitching whenever anybody demands we 'be normal' about something. Normality is horrible. It is cruel and it is callous. 'Normal' is a world run on exploitation, on slave labour and on police savagery. Normal is children forced to risk their lives to earn the money required to feed themselves, because it is normal for their parents be gone, or incapable of supporting them. War is normal. Corruption of political systems is normal. Death coming more rapidly for those deemed expendable by society is very, very normal.

But so is protest. The drive to do something, to change things. The capacity for caring about each other. Love. 'Normal' is just a statement about what surrounds us every day, for worse and for better. In too many pieces of fiction, normality is narrowed, rendered a neater, cleaner picture, often excluding the kinds of people we might run into on the street, or walk past, or see on the news, distant and dehumanised.

Queerness is normal, yet for a long time it has been one of the first things to be cut out of fictional worlds. And when it is present, it's a big deal. An object lesson or a cry of triumph over breaking free of unfair strictures. I love stories about queer joy and victory. Heck, I'm a sucker for a good, soppy gay romance. But these aren't the only kinds of stories we tell. Sometimes we need to reflect the worst aspects of the world and what it does to normal people.

In attempting this, Iron-Blooded Orphans commits to an idea of 'normal people' that includes those who are gay or bisexual, those of colour and those we'd call white, the polyamorous, the illiterate, the desperate, the powerful, those who throw themselves into the fight with everything they have, and those who are simply kind. Those who are accepting, understanding and compassionate. Those who need to be accepted, who struggle to be understood, who suffer for a lack of compassion.

There are all sorts of people in IBO and – as a certain cheery, violent dumbass once said – man do I love it. I don't believe it is reading against the spirit of the thing to imagine more diversity than gets outright stated, to interpret one of the leads as ace or suppose another side character is bi or pansexual. It would seem entirely natural if they were.

Everyone's welcome here, down among the debris and the bloodshed, where hope is precious and fleeting and still somehow endures. So why shouldn't we raise a few extra pride flags?

Queer as in 'fuck you'

This all said, taken as a whole, Iron-Blooded Orphans is not a story about queerness or queer romance. Nowhere is this clearer than in its ending.

I skipped over the framing of the final scenes of the anime when I discussed Kudelia and Atra. They form a striking contrast with the ending of The Witch from Mercury, where the conclusion is directly focused around Suletta and Miorine's love for one another, their bonds of wedlock, and the happiness they have found together. This follows from the show being primarily about their relationship. In Iron-Blooded Orphans, the ending focuses not on Kudelia's feelings toward Atra, but those she has for Akatsuki, Mikazuki's son, with Eugene even saying she's eager to go see 'the man she loves', setting up a brief moment of uncertainty over who the character with Mikazuki's outline actually is.

The nature of Kudelia and Atra's relationship post-time-skip is implied rather than stated: in the English versions of the script, they do not refer to each other using terms suggesting they are married, although Atra has dropped her habitual 'Miss' from the front of Kudelia's name. They do not have wedding rings (redundant as those would be alongside the charm bracelets) and Akatsuki does not call Kudelia 'mom'. That they are raising him together is suggested very strongly, in line with Mikazuki asking Kudelia to be guardian of his child if he died. There are non-romantic ways of taking this idea, though, and none of these are closed off as viable interpretations.

But why should we expect some definite statement about romantic status when the point being conveyed is how Tekkadan's legacy continues to shape the world? This is a story concerned with the exploitation underpinning the world and the effort required to make even the smallest wide-scale change. It is about how people trapped at the bottom of the pecking order are still people, still human, messy and complex. It is about their pointless deaths, they ways they struggle on until those deaths come for them, and why they matter, even if the world forgets them.

Mikazuki, the living weapon, the human sacrifice for Orga Itsuka's reckless ambitions, leaves behind a child who will grow up in a more peaceful time, in a society slightly better off than when he and Orga were starving on Chyrse's streets. He doesn't live to see it; Akatsuki does. For all the failures, the attempt wasn't a waste. Don't you dare disrespect the people who died by saying it was.

This is where the epilogue centres, on Akatsuki and on Kudelia's cherishing of the world Mikazuki and everyone else built. Atra and Kudelia's relationship is there, a part of the gentler life they now have (Atra's desires were always towards the version of her existence where Mikazuki retires to a farm; here she fulfils the dream with Kudelia alone). It just doesn't need to take up space for the ending to land.

Yet, as I pour over how queerness is incorporated into Iron-Blooded Orphans, I find myself considering the struggles queer people face in reality. The victims of the AIDS crisis, dehumanised by indifferent institutions. Section 28 and the attempted destruction of knowledge around non-heterosexual forms of love. Riots and campaigns, voices raised loud and proud. How we are equated with dirt and corruption, reduced down to facts others find disgusting. The name-calling. The petty, pathetic posturing that makes everyday existence pointlessly harder.

So it goes for space-rats and degenerates alike.

I am lucky. My life is about as far from that of a child soldier as it is possible to get. My sexuality has been largely invisible. My gender matches the one most favoured by my society. I still have more common cause with those born in poverty on the other side of the world than I will ever have with the aristocrats and billionaires who shape the direction of my country. Because we hold many causes of misery in common. Because we share the same capacities for joy and suffering. Because our humanity is so easily cast aside by those we will never be able to touch.

There is always a place for stories uncomplicatedly about queer love conquering all. Equally, it is important to recognise the places queerness overlaps with stories about the many other ways the world casts people out. It is vital to be able to explore loss, futility and heartbreak. It is essential to capture why we strive onwards despite how heavily tragedy might weight us down.

We may be doomed. Our lives still matter. To ourselves, to each other and, whether they remember or not, to those who come after us.

So, no: for all the queer characters it contains and the many more we might trivially imagine queerness into, Iron-Blooded Orphans is not gay in the vein of The Witch From Mercury. It is not a happy story.

But it is a tenaciously hopeful one and, from certain angles, that alone looks queer as hell.

---------

Happy UK/US Pride Month – in honour and memory of Marsha P Johnson and everyone else who refused to go quietly.

I shall leave you with one of the least straight things ever to be included in any Gundam show.

[Index for further writing]

[vickyvicarious]

seeing ppl go "lol jonathan why are you admitting you found them hot what will mina think of you when she reads it!!!" has me go "*shakes you* you are going against the thesis of the book!!!"

I know some of why is dependent on knowledge of future events, and so people new to Dracula Daily won't be aware of it. But to be honest, Jonathan admitting his attraction to the vampire ladies is so, so important to me. On several different character levels, even outside of the entire book proving over and over again that sharing knowledge is absolutely vital (and is also an expression of deep love/trust/support).

Let's just stick the quote in here for reference:

There was something about them that made me uneasy, some longing and at the same time some deadly fear. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it is the truth.

Firstly - he needs to keep an accurate record. This is his only place to speak freely, his only opportunity to be precise about what he is going through. It is vitally important for him to keep his sanity intact that he be clear and try to remain logical in this diary. We see him fact-checking again and again. We can extrapolate from other statements that he doesn't always mention everything he suspects unless he feels it relevant or possible to prove. For example, repeatedly noting Dracula himself doing things before ever getting around to voicing the theory that the Count has no servants (he collected evidence first, didn't speak his suspicions until they were proven). Or putting the crucifix above his bed and taking the opportunity to sleep elsewhere, thus pointing to feeling unsafe and possibly experiencing bad dreams in his own room (he mentioned what he does about it, but not the feeling on its own or whatever nightmares he may be having). Jonathan works very hard to keep his diary focused on a few things above all: what the Count/ladies are, what everyone does, what Jonathan observes or learns, his actionable plans. He of course expresses his fears and emotions at times in his diary, more than he can out loud, but never going all the way down the rabbithole of fear, hopelessness, etc. He tries to calm himself by sticking to facts (all the harder when something strange is happening), which is in itself a soothing process for him so that's helpful too. His goal is to make this diary useful to himself and to others, if he ever gets the chance to share it. There is a goal here.

And what that means, is that the things Jonathan writes in great detail are things that feel relevant to him. The entire encounter with the vampire ladies was extremely important. It revealed a ton of new information to him, as well as being a truly horrifying and traumatic thing to go through. Jonathan's feelings are as relevant as his observations/actions here, because both are directly affected by the presence of the vampire women. Jonathan can't move. He feels dreamy. He feels attracted to them. He cannot resist and in the moment a large part of him didn't even want to. These are all effects they are causing, at least to some extent. I know mileage can vary a lot on how much of Jonathan's attraction is just coming from him, but honestly, I can't agree with any version that doesn't have a natural attraction at the very least being exacerbated by supernatural vampire abilities somehow. If not caused or called forth by them in the first place. The way he narrates, with so much obvious fear and revulsion mixed in with the desire, makes that clear to me. He sounds like he doesn't fully understand his own feelings at the time, at least where they all came from or why they were so strong. It goes along with all the other symptoms he is experiencing, and the other abilities they demonstrate. And so, to keep his record accurate - it has to go in. He cannot leave it out. It might become very relevant later.

Secondly - Jonathan is honest with Mina, specifically. I love this about their relationship. I don't think it's so much 'I noticed they were attractive' that he fears might hurt her, because Mina isn't particularly shy herself about noticing both women and men as good-looking, and even admiring their looks while on a date with Jonathan (poor Pretty Girl in Piccadilly). He also called local women pretty in his first entry as well (though he did say "except when you got near them" so it felt a bit backhanded to me), so again it's not the noticing that's an issue either way. It's more that he felt actual desire to act on an attraction, or rather for them to act. This is unusual, this is a separate matter from noticing people are hot, this is something that comes much closer to cheating or at least wanting to, and he feels very guilty about it. There's no real sense that he is worried Mina will be angry at him, and there's no sense that he will ever outside of that one moment ever want to act on any attraction he feels for someone other than Mina (or someone Mina also approves of, varying depending on your polycula headcanons). I personally do kind of tend to view Jonathan as some form of demisexual so how much he even tends to feel attraction to other people is often a little wibbly to me, but that's kind of irrelevant for the point of this. We can also set aside the shared language of "kiss" between Jonathan and the vampire ladies, and how this may point to a desire to become available for being drunk from, rather than necessarily sexual desire specifically, even if that's the type of language used. With regards to Mina: he's not worried about being caught, because he is choosing not to hide. He feels bad talking about the attraction because it might hurt her feelings, but he'll admit to it regardless because it's more important to him to be honest with her. Jonathan hates hiding things from Mina. This actually becomes plot-relevant later on. Even when she herself expressly forbids him from telling her stuff, he feels anguished about it and is certain to ensure that records are kept which she can read later. He trusts her completely. Embarrassment, shame, bad behavior, or whatever else - he will still share that with her. The only times he doesn't confide in Mina are when he's trying to repress everything because he thinks he was crazy (and possibly may even have some PTSD-related memory loss as well), or when he and the other men are trying to make sure she isn't exposed to danger (which is wrong in several ways but this post isn't about that so I won't get into it), and of course when she tells him not to. Every single time he feels upset about it. So yeah, he's going to regret that she may feel hurt, but deliberately hiding things from her would be worse.

Thirdly - Jonathan admitting his attraction here is a huge comfort to Mina later on. I truly believe this. I've talked about it before actually, but let me try to rephrase a bit to keep it on the same post. By being open about his own attraction and experience with nearly being drunk from, he provides precedent for Mina's October 3rd trauma. It makes it easier (though obviously still not easy) for her to admit to the same kind of desire:

"I was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I did not want to hinder him. I suppose it is a part of the horrible curse that such is, when his touch is on his victim."

Mina never blamed Jonathan for expressing such thoughts. She wasn't concerned about the issue being another woman when she came to him in the hospital, and when she read his diary she never mentioned any hesitations or misgivings about this scene at all. But even if she had secretly felt upset before (I personally don't see her thinking that way at all, but for the sake of argument), I think that experiencing something similar would make her grateful for Jonathan's candor. In a moment when she's already feeling deeply unclean and complicit, Jonathan's earlier honesty here relieves her from a little bit of the guilt she is feeling. It lets her recognize her own lack of desire to stop Dracula as something he did to her, just like Jonathan experienced with the vampire ladies when he couldn't/didn't want to move away. It's possible even that Mina felt more explicit desire for Dracula's 'red lips to kiss her' but didn't feel comfortable saying quite that much - even if so, again Jonathan's account would be a comfort.

And having that account written down long ago means she has already internalized this. If Jonathan had kept it hidden only to try and ease her mind later, well... first off, Mina too might have kept her reaction hidden out of guilt. And even if she didn't or he told her then, a confession at that time wouldn't mean nearly as much or carry the same kind of weight, I don't think. It would feel like he's making excuses for her, like he didn't trust her enough to tell her earlier, just... bad stuff mixed in, which are all avoided by having Jonathan be truthful from the start.

[t4tpumpkinduo]

um. cschlatt finds out shes transfem post revival. is this anything.

AUGH IT'S EVERYTHING it'suwgwudgdhgh. hold on let me explain.

i think the cschlatt transfem throughline is, again, soso easy to read theres sm to dig into and chew on. i'm genuinely bewildered it's not smthng ppl hve picked up on more because it seems so v clear to me.

guy refuses to accept help bcs he sees it as weakness makes it v clear his narrative lesson is -> he should allow himself support and compassion w/o recoiling, because he's allowed to want it and need it, w/o masking it in disgust or irony.

on that point, guy refuses to see himself as disabled despite having very very blatent disabilities that leave him in horror of himself -> a panicked assertion of power to take back "control". ok ,what is he in "control" of, what can he wield, what can he have a narrative over.

guy likes being called a pretty princess and wears dresses "as a joke", using that same irony coated sheen he uses w a Lot of the things he's afraid of being more earnest in, like his care for other people or his wants. he likes being wined and dined and cooed at, and then reacts to "feminine" things, the possibility of being "not a man", in the same wild rejection as the other two, the rejection of the body. a real man doesn't care if he's betrayed, that's why he takes it so personally. a real man doesn't care abt sm partner, who needs 'em, and thats why the bow shot becomes a canon death that he feels personally heartbroken abt. a real man isn't scared and panicked and a real man isn't disabled and isn't needy. and he definitely isn't afraid. and he doesn't like the dresses. -> well. yknow how it is.

even the gym...we don't know his limbo specifically but i think it's pretty easy to infer that the gym is at least partially a manifestation of it? ghosts are confirmed to be able to be tied to locations, like mexican dream w el rapids. and in his, he has that "control", surrounded by that ideal figure, here he's powerful and on top and sooooo intouchable. the mask worked. and it doesn't actually because it still doesn't match up w how he acts. a "real man" doesn't need anything, doesn't care about anything, and glatt is still still still so deeply needy and clingy and longing for connection, and still tries to mask it w things like "spanish lessons" and "horror mansions" tht end up just being an excuse to throw little parties in. uuwgh. who even ca(blows up 320 walls with my mind)

additionally ppl forget that limbo is supposed t like..not actually be hell lmao? it's torturous for sure but it isn't like. supposed to represent their worse nightmare? it's supposed to, i think, represent a state of being unable to move on. the train that won't ever pick you up. a existence of blankness where you can't feel a thing except waiting for the other shoe to drop. a gym full of idols that you will never be able to "live up to".

bcs of that schlatt is bigender (✌️) to me specifically...cuz he clearly likes Parts of masculinity. the little conman shtick, the big guy-isms. it's smthing he enjoys, but he's v clearly fearful and panicked abt the "Ideal Masculine Figure™️", the mythologized toxic version in his quest for control. the conman thing is fun and easy, and the freaked out assertion of "i'm a man, i'm not weak or scared, i'm not like them." is smthng else entirely.

(and again the symbolism WHATT the fuck was going on in the writer's room. the gym is handled like a trap that he can't get out of by himself, and being in the sun, being visible is tangibly equivalent to being burned. Fucking Excuse Me? Answer My Emails.)

anyways this is very brief and i could talk abt this for 53 years and counting but the thesis statement is estrogen and anti psychotics could've saved her 👍and she does eventually get revived and accepts it abt herself and he's so happy and loved. forever and ever. happy tgirl cschlatt tuesday‼️

[nitpickrider]

So, people say that Golden Age Lois plain and simply despised Clark as a weakling and a coward (with their more Vitriolic Best Buds thing being a modern inventions). Is this entirely true, or was there ever more to it?

Oh my friend that is not true at ALL. In fact from what I've read the idea that Lois despises Clark in any fashion outside of being a friendly professional rival doesn't hold up to the actual scrutiny. (Take this with the grain of salt that I'm only reading Action Comics at the moment, any stories or evidence that exist in the concurrent Superman comic are unknown to me). The moment that sticks out to me is this one so I'll use it for my main thesis statement.

I mean that's right there in black and white, isn't it? Even if her goal is to marry Superman, the only person she'd want to give her away at the wedding is Clark who she outright loudly declares to the entire office to be her second favorite man in the world (The story is a dream but that only strengthens the claim. This is what Lois is saying IN HER OWN MIND) I have TONS more evidence if you want to peak below the cut, be warned its mostly just gushing. I love Clark and Lois' relationship regardless of context and I have TONS of notes.

What people often miss is that in this era the two are actually dating on and off again? I've always read it as Lois and Clark just being each others' main social calls when there's something new to do or see.

She takes steps to activley improve his safety when he's put on dangerous assignment (and she would know, wouldn't she?)

When Clark is under threat of harm or god forbid seems to be actually hurt, it hits Lois like a train. The idea that something could have happened to her puts her into a very uncharacteristic spiral. She gets stunlocked and tends toward feinting which is otherwise very unlike her.

Beyond that, simply, the poor girl worries about him as much as he worries about her.

She relies on Clark to lean on and explicitly would need him around should anything happen to Superman, Clark is her main emotional support system and she knows it well enough to consciously lean on him when in distress

A simple moment of the two sharing a little bit of small talk, they work in very close quarters seemingly by choice. Clark is part of Lois' routine.

They even conduct their chores socially, which I'm given to believe was a much more common activity among friends back in the day. Lois takes a personal interest in Clark's life, how he's feeling, how he looks.

In this moment, granted she's trying to get something out of him but its not like she's holding her nose to give him a kiss on the cheek. And the second she seems disillusioned with Superman, Clark is the first person she can think of to pin her affections on.

When she's had a weird day at work, who does she talk to? Clark.

Even on her way out the door she tries to cheer him up just casually noticing he seemed more dour than usual, not only is that her taking an interest in him emotionally but it shows she knows and cares about him enough to note a change in behavior.

And THIS one is my favorite

She noticed his shirt was dirty, heard him say he had forgotten to get them washed. So she showed up at his apartment where she is evidently a regular enough sight that the doorman knows her by name, to pick up his laundry and have it done for him. No one asks her to do this, she just does it. I've always been fond of saying that the core anchor of any Superman story is the relationship between Clark and Lois. And I DON'T just mean their romantic entanglement. Like Holmes and Watson or Calvin and Hobbs. If you can't write a convincing back and forth between the two, if you can't make the audience believe that these two people are friends who love and care for one another. Then straight up you're going to write Bad Superman comics, period.

[roundearthsociety]

This is going to be a tad personal but how do you manage to be trans and catholic? Some of the biggest anti trans voices like Matt Walsh, Michael Knowles and Desantis base their views off that religion. Many trans people on here, Reddit and IRL have nothing but disdain for Catholicism because of the Vatican’s statements and how they’ve been treated. Likewise, a lot of Catholics I’ve seen on tumblr, Reddit and various forums view it as a sin, mental illness or pedophilia and oppose affirming care as well as IVF.

I’m an American exvangelical, who does have some conservative Catholic family members, and I’m trying to broaden my perspective a bit rather than writing Catholicism off as an irredeemable, hateful colonizer ideology and viewing paganism and Reform Judaism as the only valid religions like most Tumblr users do. How do you put up with it when many refuse to affirm it, including the pope who’s still very conservative? I’m not asking to attack your beliefs but are simply curious whether there’s more nuance than people will claim.

This is something that's a bit hard to answer, as someone who's not that good a theologian nor that good at theory. Plus, I'm not side A, so I wouldn't be all that good at discussing Catholicism While Queer with you I suspect. Anyway I will be assuming you, the reader, have got some level of legitimate Christian faith. Because otherwise I'm not sure how to like. Give you that.

So let me preface all of this by recommending you look into queer Catholic organizations such as New Ways Ministry, or especially DignityUSA which I've heard good things about. There are also some Tumblr bloggers on the more affirming side of things, most of them aren't really doing all that much advocacy work either but you might find it interesting to scroll through, idk, and-her-saints or shoutsofmybones's blogs for example, and take a look.

Also: you don't have to give up on Christianity entirely if you can't / would rather not be Catholic! Even if the specific ritual and community aspect is especially important to you, the Episcopal Church is probably decently well implanted where you live and is worth looking into, especially since it doesn't have the embedded political elements that the US Catholic Church tends to have.

As for my own personal answer below - please don't bother to get mad at me for this, it's like 4AM and I'm not too interested in writing a thesis here.

Gender-wise it's honestly pretty straightforward. I know I function better being generally recognized as another sex than I was assigned at birth, with characteristics to match; everything else in terms of gender roles names etc is really just getting a lil silly with it ngl. This is neither especially uncommon nor especially new, and the generally recognized way to deal with this has long been to just let people do their thing. While there are issues with the way that's being done (hey! you should freeze your gametes if that's available to you! don't count on never wanting kids, especially if you're a teenager! trust me on this one.), a lot of the modern discourse around it boils down to "this is disgusting to me so it must be morally wrong". And like, I'm a biologist, I can't really find it in myself to be grossed out by this stuff anymore.

Anyway the Church is far from a monolith. Even at the institutional level there's plenty of tolerance; my home diocese is based in a large and ancient Mediterranean city so God knows it's had ages to get used to the weird shit, not counting the handful of trad strongholds. My understanding of the situation in the US is that it's Kind Of Really Not That though, so I'd strongly recommend heavily looking into your local Catholic diocese and parishes before making any moves, because Catholic faith and practice are a very community-bound thing and it's not really something you can do at a distance. Thankfully though, once you start avoiding the political activists trying to use faith as a means to an end (as is the case for most of the people you cite in your ask), you'll find that it's relatively more chill than you'd think. Let me elaborate.

My own case is complicated enough that I can't reasonably apply any of the details to this, but ultimately what's important to note here is that Christianity is functionally about how everyone is flawed, and everyone fucks up, and sure you'll be forgiven but you've got to own up to it first. The members of the Church, even the Pope, even (most of) the Saints in their earthly lives, are no exception. They can be misguided, fearful, or just plain hateful; in such circumstances, it's on them to do better, not on you to adapt to their flaws, and they know this if they're honest to themselves. This, in turn, must apply just as much to you and me; as a Christian, you (generic) have everything you need to do better, and to know anything that prevents you from loving other people is probably not the way to go.

But anyway yeah. I'm trans and Catholic because both of those are just kinda who I am, and I don't intend to stop being either because I'm not interested in replacing myself with the cop in my head. So the Church can have fun with that.

[cards-of-rose]

°•○ study tip!! your outline ○•°

so in another post, i talked about how you formulate an essay and said i would discuss the structure of your outline in another post. here's that post!!

every outline must have 3 principal components: an introduction, a body, and a conclusion. and it's exactly how it sounds. your introduction introduces, your body has your arguments, and the conclusion concludes.

simple, right? i'll talk about each individually, then show you how to draft them into a good structural outline. it's honestly easy once you get the hang of it. it's just a formula, and you can apply it to any essay you have to write!

> body <

this is actually the first thing you start with. i'm sure everyone's said that you should start with your introduction. but think about this: you haven't written anything yet. what is there to introduce? you barely know what you're going to talk about!

start with the body first. use your thesis statement - those three points that sum up your entire argument in a sentence - and split up those three arguments into three points. let's say this is our thesis statement:

Light pollution is harmful to the environment because it brightens the night skies, wastes energy, and disrupts ecosystems.

in an outline, it might look something like this:

I. Introduction

II. Body

Main point 1 - brightens the night skies

Main point 2 - wastes energy

Main point 3 - disrupts ecosystems

III. Conclusion

easy, right?

next, you go under each main point and add 3 subpoints, just according to whatever you've researched. so:

Main point 1 - brightens the night skies

Subpoint 1 - disrupts circadian rhythm

Subpoint 2 - increases depression

Subpoint 3 - contributes to air pollution

and so on! depending on the length of your paper, these subpoints can either make up a paragraph, or can be split further into additional subpoints. whatever you need! you can include quotes, evidence, and anything else your prof wants in your paper.

this will make up almost all of your paper, so contine extending this until your outline is about half the length of your paper. for example, an 8-page paper should have a 4-page outline. remember that for papers, unless specified otherwise you won't want to use first-person or second-person pronouns. make sure to stay objective and present the evidence formally (although your outline can be as silly or stupid as you want, as long as it gives you something to work with).

now onto the conclusion!

> conclusion <

the first sentence of your conclusion is the rewording of your thesis statement so your reader knows the argument is closing. kind of like a signpost, letting the reader know there won't be any more new information presented! really just one sentence.

after that rewording, then comes the important part: the significance. after you briefly summarize your argument in maybe one or two sentences, talk about why your argument's important! why it matters. this is really the part that will stick with your reader, and what will humanize your argument. in your body, you talk about the why and how that light pollution is bad. in your conclusion, you talk about how it affects the future, how it'll affect humanity as a whole, how it'll affect wildlife. where the trend of increasing light pollution will bring us.

and then the very last sentence is either a call-to-action (what can your reader do to help?) or a final punch relating to the significance. either way, there should be a strong final statement that resonates with the reader and leaves a strong impression in their mind. something like:

If this trend of brightening the night skies continues, it will not only destroy nature, but affect humanity past the point of any change.

a bit dramatic, but you get the point! :)

> introduction <

aaand finally, the introduction!! i know it may seem strange to leave this for last. but think about it - you've written your paper! you now have a full idea of where your paper's going! you already have a thesis statement! you have the significance in your conclusion! you can!! connect them!!

!!!

so connect them!!

reference the significance in the VERY FIRST sentence of your intro. that's your hook - what draws the reader in. sooo something like:

Many people consider city lights to be a fundamental aspect of life. After all, they provide light on dark roads, illumination on signs, and even beacons for airplanes. What many do not realize is that the light pollution these lights generate harm more than they help.

and then you insert your thesis statement. see? how easy is that? you basically already wrote your intro in your conclusion! this is just a continuation of that.

evidence -> significance -> problem.

and there you have it! once you know how to write an outline, it makes it SOO much easier to write your paper. by following this, you basically already have your paper written - at least in shortened form. you'll be able to write them in your sleep. <33

[noirs-pages]

Diavolo 2

Summary: You’re in your side room, experimenting with potions to give to your pet Diavolo. You still hold to your thesis that these pets are behind a complex spell that holds their full potential back.

(I hate feeling tired. I’ve been feeling tired all that time. I need some form of stimulation! Perhaps I should record and narrate something?)

You’re not really one to keep up with local news, at least not the news that floats around in your old university. You still get emails from that place, not because of morbid curiosity but because you’re just too lazy to make them shut up. You graduated and you’re glad you did, but occasionally, when you see a header of a notification that relates to anything regarding your final thesis, you end up hissing in a breath and locking yourself up in your private room.

“Idiot,” you swiped at your phone, clearing the latest news of another mage being sent to the hospital because they messed with the spell, “Backlash. It’s on top of the fucking page, bold, all caps!”

If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t mess with the spell! What it is with mages ignoring that warning? A spell that continues to thrive on the entire existence of these magical pets with absolutely no signs of decaying is one that can and will lash out if one goes about poking at it wrong.

And yet, those old arrogant mages back at your university, they had the audacity to blame these accidents on you just to save their own faces. It’s not your fault their apprentices died. That’s their own fucking fault for not doing proper safety procedures. They really thought their own magic were enough to ensure that.

With a puff of red smoke, your concoction in your mini cauldron was done. You sneezed before reaching in and pulling out a royal red gummy in the shape of a cut jewel.

“There we go, this should be good,” a beautiful replica of an accident you had that led you to your thesis, “Come over here Diavolo, I’m done!”

You can see the hypocrisy of your statement, trying to get this spell off of your own pet. However, those people are not you, nor are they Diavolo. They’re not the ones that spent years carefully studying the layers upon layers of this species wide spell. You know what can and cannot be messed with, and Diavolo knows how to redirect backlash away from everyone.

Besides, Solomon is waiting by the door in case something ticks off his senses. You have many emergency buttons at the ready.

At your call, Diavolo eagerly turned away from the window and flapped right to your shoulder. You let reached out a palm and set him right on the ground.

“Just a small bite, okay?” You waved the treat in front of your nose. Diavolo sniffed it before taking a most delicate bite.

In just three chews, the sound of chains shattering echoed around you. The air, once cool and flowing, became heavy with both the sharp sting of magic and heat. A familiar burn, one that never fails to remind you of a broiling volcano.

You stepped back just as Diavolo glowed white. His form expanded, wings stretching out until they took up the length of your room.

The cocoon of heat only got stronger when the light show finally stopped. You stare up to gold eyes, glowing as his form nearly reached the ceiling.

“Yup,” you crossed your arms, leaning back, “still as big as ever." And bare. You really need to prepare a towel or something if this stays permanent. "You doing alright, Diavolo? Think you can say a few words for me?”

A large huff of breath sweeping over you was all the warning you got before he lowered his muscled form as much as he could under your chin. His wings fluttered when you scratched his head, knocking over some plastic bottles. He closed his eyes, clearly ready to go to sleep.

And not a single word came out of his mouth. Only a heavy clicking from his throat.

From outside your door, you heard Solomon ask, “Well? Did it work?”

You airily laughed. “Nope, another failure. Couldn’t get rid of that lock over his mind.”

As such, it will only be a matter of time before the spell fixes itself and makes this affectionate Diavolo small again. Back to the drawing board with you.

[noodyl-blasstal]

Blupjeans Week Day 1

It's @blupjeansweek! Blupjeans week last year was the thing that encouraged me to start writing fics, so it's been fun to play with it again! Like last year, it's loosely connected (so far anyway!). So, now I'll stop blethering and here's some words. Day 1 - refuge

16 hours to go.

16 hours until he tanked his viva, fucked up everything he’d been working for, and his supervisor says he hadn’t ever believed Barry was capable, he just wanted his fees... Well, John would definitely say that if Barry could get hold of him but it had become abundently clear over the course of his postgrad research that John wasn’t the easiest guy to reach. Which might not be a problem if it wasn't his literal job to support Barry through his PhD.

At this point Barry hadn’t heard from him in two weeks despite a variety of progressively more panicked emails. The last conversation they had was John's particularly un-comforting statement that Barry should “...expect majors" because "it’s not the worst thesis I’ve ever read, but it certainly isn’t the best.” Barry's secondary supervisor hadn’t even bothered to show up for that meeting, so it was anyone’s guess what his take was. Barry assumed it wasn’t great.

He grabbed the pot from the coffee machine he’d abducted from the kitchen a few days ago and perched on his desk instead. He debated swigging straight from it, that seemed more efficient than using a mug, plus, his hand seemed to be shaking a bit and he didn't want to risk trying to pour it into a mug then into himself - he needed every drop to keep him awake long enough to work out how to fix this disaster.

“Knock knock! This is your 16 hour anxiety check in.” Barry’s door creaked open, but Lup didn’t appear. “Barrrrooollllld?” She sing songed, then added hopefully “...have you finally decided to sleep?” 

“Come in Lup.”

“Damn, you’re still up.” Oh, of course she was disappointed. She was probably sick of having to baby him through his anxiety. “...Not that I don’t want to see you, I was just hoping you were getting some rest.”

Barry held up the coffee pot in a cheers motion then took a swig from it. He was fine, this was fine, but if Lup left in disgust he could get back to scribbling increasingly unhinged and hard to read annotations on his sticky notes and trying to work out how to pull this disaster over the finish line. 

"Doing totally fine, huh?” Lup eyed him disapprovingly. “Barry, you have to take a break. You're going to crash in the middle of it if you keep this up. You've got what, like 15 and a bit hours?" She waited for him to nod in affirmation. "Cool, then you've got time to sleep."

He didn't have time to sleep, he had to try and plug the holes in the sinking ship that represented four years of his life. Suddenly Lup was in front of him, he hadn't noticed her moving, but she had appeared and was gently prying the sticky note monstrosity he hadn’t realised he’d picked up out of his hand. "No, I need to…"

"Sleep." Lup said. "You need to rest. There isn't a single thing in here you don't know. It's fucking brilliant, no, don't argue with me, I've read it." Barry snapped his mouth closed, he wanted to protest, but he wasn't entirely sure he could remember what he was arguing with, there was no fight left in him. "Now give me the coffee pot, Barold." He gripped it more firmly. No, not even for Lup. He couldn't relinquish this, it was the only thing keeping him awake. Lup raised and eyebrow. “Barold, don’t make me full name you. I'll do it! Hand over the pot.” Lup held her hand out expectantly.

"I'll fall asleep."

"That's the idea my guy. C'mon, gimme the sweet sweet bean juice. You don't need that where you're going."

"Where I'm…? Where am I? I'm here." Barry looked down to check.

Lup used his moment of confusion to swipe the coffee pot. Usually it wouldn’t have worked… probably, okay, it would have, but slower and he would have protested more. Right now his hands felt too heavy to even think about taking evasive action. "Yoink!" Lup said triumphantly, holding it aloft. Then he blinked and she didn't have the coffee pot any more. Maybe she magicked it somewhere? Barry turned his head to try and find it, and then she was tugging at his hand. "Not here, Bear, somewhere comfy."

"The chair's comfy, it's ergonomic." He paid a lot of money because the guy in the shop was really confident about that.

Lup snorted and tugged harder. "Barold Jorts Bluejeans, you're coming with me." 

"My name isn't…"

"...Ssssh." Lup might have been laughing. Barry wasn’t entirely sure, maybe it was him actually? Should stand? Oh, actually, he was up and moving and Lup still had hold of his hand and maybe she didn't have to let it go and she could just keep holding his hand and he could hold hers and maybe she’d have a nap with him. They stopped.

"This is your room." Barry wasn't entirely sure how they'd got there, time was doing strange things. 

"Yup, cha'girl decided you couldn't be left unattended in yours, it's too full of anxiety, even if I get you to sleep you'll marinade in it. So, we're here." Lup pushed the door wide.

Her bed had developed some kind of blanket canopy, there were string lights strewn around, and he could hear the soft patter of rain even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky. "It's… this is… magic. You made it all magic."

"Uh huh, now get in." Lup lifted a corner of blanket, it revealed a whole mess of pillows and blankets waiting inside. The bed looked so cosy, so inviting, so much better than his boring bed. He shouldn't, he really shouldn’t, he should study more, he couldn't afford to get off track. "That’s it, Bear." Oh. He was in the process of crawling in, and he was comfy. He flopped bodily into the bed and everything smelled of Lup’s orange body wash. Maybe he could just live here.

"I should do more prep." He mumbled, and sank into the pillow nest, rubbing his face on a soft fleece blanket. 

"Uh huh." Said Lup. 

"There's… I need to… you see, I have..."

"I'll wake you up in a few hours, sleep tight, Bear."

“Sleep tight Lup.” Barry mumbled from the depths of his blanket cocoon.

Part 2 here.

[raisinchallah]

its actually kind of embarrassing but i literally do go into nerd rage when people analyze tos wrong by saying evil collections of words like well we can use the concepts developed in this previous episode as important central ideas that we should apply to the whole show u failed step one go back to tv school!!!! there are various themes that the show is interested in and returns to but one cannot say one singular episode lays out any thesis statement of the show its a collection of ideas in conversation with each other that can be viewed and have been viewed in any order under the sun and like many shows of that era would have entirely different writers from season to season that level of continuity was simply never assumed or expected though you can see the slow development of ideas that season 1 has a far looser ideas around what organization they even work for is into the slower fleshing out of the federation and what that all means and different writers mean different things about it and ideas were changed after they were first introduced this is normal in a long running collaborative story stop acting like its a novel and then also important to keep in mind most fans watched the show in syndication and were gaining their meaning from it that way in random order and random selection sometimes even portions of the episodes cut to make time for more ads these are the ways people engaged with the show and we shouldnt forget that...

[canonicallyginger]

I have beaten Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of the Spirit, and honestly? one of the best fangames ive ever played period. The understanding the writer(s) had of the characters is perfection (especially Wigglytuff). The gameplay was pretty damn fun, even if i struggled through the Road To Shaymin Village the entire way. The story concept was amazing, and the exploration of the themes presented in Explorers of Sky was wonderful.

That said, the ending was the part that disappointed me. Big spoilers ahead

The ending was so anti-climactic. The way they negated the stakes before even getting to the final showdown was certainly a choice. I think it would have worked better if Celebi had pointed out that the world isn't ended after the final boss rather than before. Because taking away the stakes takes away most of the excitement.

The fact that there's no room for post-game disappointed me too. There was so much I wanted to be able to explore in this take on the setting. I wanted to be able to see Shaymin Village, and I wanted to have the opportunity to talk to the legendaries that apparently exist without purpose in the setting. If there'd been any post-game at all, i think i would have been less bummed out by the anticlimactic ending.

Also, the player character's disappearance doesn't feel nearly as sad for the partner pokemon. Every official PMD game has made me cry at the ending, but this fangame, which handled the characters so perfectly at every other point in the story, failed to stir up any emotion other than disappointment in the final act.

Also, the way Breloom returned but didn't have any dialogue for the main duo? That was a huge disappointment for me. I just... I feel like they spent so much time developing a truly interesting new character and then they just. didn't give him anything to say about the hero and partner.

But back to the good things-- still spoilers:

When Ampharos and Mawile mentioned in the epilogue that they were moving on to explore other continents, that make me go "IT IS THEM!!! It's THEM! They're in this! I knew i recognized their mannerisms!" because Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon is literally my favorite pokemon game. The way Team AWD is written is also fantastic. Letting the team be morally gray instead of just blandly antagonistic and greedy was really interesting and good. Team Charm being morally gray for the same reasons was great too. The fact that Wigglytuff sent the main duo to Armaldo in hopes of showing them that he doesn't believe anyone is beyond redemption. The way Darkrai gets actual motives!!!!!! The way the partner just chucks the Odd Keystone in the epilogue because of the game's thesis statement of "no such thing as an irredeemable spirit," which was something Explorers of Sky tried to convey but then didn't follow through in the final act. The way Grovyle is clearly not sure what to do with himself in a world that doesn't need saving. The way Celebi is just fucking pissed at him for going on another fucking adventure without even trying to let her know. God, there's so much i can say about this game being amazing and that wouldn't do it justice.

If you've read through all this and haven't seen or played it, then i'm mad at you for ruining the plot by reading these spoilers, but you should still give it a go. You're expected to know the entire plot of Explorers of Sky tho

[skullduggeryandfilibuster]

Everyone Gets Synonyms Wrong

Warning: This take may be considered hot. Viewer discretion is advised.

I was thinking about making this a mini video essay, and hey, maybe someday I will, or perhaps it'll be apart of a larger video essay on word choice, but for now, I'm putting my thoughts here.

One of the most useful tools at a writer's disposal is a thesaurus. When first introduced to them in 2nd Grade (because it had to be), I wrote it off as a gimmick. "Oh you can find words that mean the same thing as other words? Neat. Moving on." Once I got into writing their use became immediately apparent.

I, like pretty much all writers, am sometimes insecure about the use of repetitive words or phrases in my work. Maybe it was an English teacher, or friend, or beta reader, or even yourself, that first pointed out, "Damn, the word, "pottery," shows up five times in the same paragraph."

It can sound clunky. Repetitive use of a word is kinda like the prose equivalent of rhyming a word with itself. But we can't use a completely different word. If the thing we're referring to is pottery, then it's pottery. We can't call it a sketchbook or a trackpad.

And Thus We Turn to the Thesaurus.

Here, we can find synonyms: words that share the same definition as our word, but are different, so the prose reads with better variety without losing its general meaning. We can say "china," or "crockery," or "ceramics," or "ware," or if I'm referring to pottery in an archaeological context, I can use "fragments," or "sherds," which fun fact, is the technical term for ancient pottery shards. "Shards," is also appropriate.

I don't know when the floodgates were opened, but at some point they were, as waves of synonym lists poured into writing communities. Mad men running into the town square before sunrise, screaming, "Said is dead! And we have killed it!"

"Words to use instead of said!" "Words to use instead of angry!" "Words that pertain to grief!" "Words that pertain to joy!" "Words about nature!" "Words about cities!"

I Hate This; I Hate These Lists.

First: the entire point of a thesaurus is that its use is case by case. You don't have an entire catalogue of synonyms for the word "fear," in the back of your head ready to go: when you're in the middle of writing and that word comes up, that's when you pull up a thesaurus. It'd be like memorizing your entire car manual, not because your car broke down, but just cause. Obviously there's nothing wrong with knowing alternative words for 'fear' off the top of your head, don't conflate me. But these "synonym lists," are more restrictive and less applicable to your specific, current writing than a thesaurus. What do these lists have that a thesaurus doesn't?

Second: most people don't know how to use a thesaurus, because they don't know the point of synonyms.

I didn't either, not for a while. I thought synonyms were like different versions of the same product: "you can get this lunchbox in red, OR in green!" Then I read "Politics and the English Language," by George Orwell, which forever changed not just how I saw synonyms, but how I write and see writing. If writing is something that even slightly interests you, you should absolutely read that essay.

But Orwell doesn't talk about synonyms there. So how did it change how I saw them? Well, the change was a byproduct of the change of perspective--and soon-to-be hyperfixation--on word choice.

I'm not gonna go into it, because like I said at the beginning, my thoughts on word choice can and maybe will fill a whole-ass video essay. For the purposes of this essay (as I suppose it can be called), know this: every word you choose to include, or not include, in your writing is a deliberate choice whether you know it or not, so be deliberate.

I've beaten around the bush enough, so I'll drop the thesis statement: Synonyms are not "alternatives," to a given word: they are different words entirely.

Part of you may find that redundant, and another may find it silly. "Well duh, obviously the words, "forest," and "woods," aren't literally the same word, but they mean the same thing."

No, they don't. Synonyms are words that possess the same or similar definition, not the same meaning.

Let me use an example to better show what I'm talking about. Let's look at three synonyms: 'Dumb' 'Stupid' 'Idiot' These words possess similar definitions: something or someone pertaining to low intelligence. But a word is more than its definition.

A word is also its context, its phonetics, its rhythm, and its emphasis. A word is its connotations and a word is its tone.

'Dumb,' is simple and playful. There's little weight behind it. It's a dismissal or a tease; a hand wave or a jest. 'Stupid,' is harsher. It's more likely to be used in an actively insulting manner. It doesn't end in a soft '-um,' sound, but a hard and sudden 'd.' 'Idiot,' is harshest. It's not just that the action was not a smart one, but the person who did it is inherently unintelligent. Their person, their character, is an idiot.

You may argue this is semantics.

Yes.

What I'm describing is literally the point of semantics.

Granted, it's not the end of the world if you used 'stupid,' when 'dumb' would be more appropriate. You're the writer, if you determined that 'stupid' is more appropriate than 'dumb,' then it is. Simple as that. But please ask yourself: "Is 'stupid,' actually more appropriate, or am I just insecure about already using the word 'dumb?' "

Again, it's not the end of the world--but does something need to be in order to incorporate it? Does something need to be life or death, or make or break your story, before you consider including it in how you write?

Perhaps I should emphasize just how different a sentence can be with the right words.

I'll use an Extreme Example. Look at This Sentence:

"The group moved through the city."

That's pretty vague, but watch what happens when I swap out the words:

"The pack stalked the streets." "The parade danced around the block."

These sentences are describing the same thing: more than one thing and/or person, together, moving locations within an urban environment. But you might not have even registered that, because the tone between these sentences are so blatantly different.

"Pack," has connotations of predatory animals--wolves, coyotes, dogs--and if the "pack," in question is describing people, it paints them in a much more feral and inhuman light. "Stalk," is an act taken during a hunt: the predator is hidden from you, you can't see it, but it knows where you are, and it won't stop following. Even "streets," changes the connotations of the sentence. In most big cities, streets are the most prevalent "public space," and they're just thin lines of concrete and pavement snaking between the walls of buildings. The biggest public space in the city--the only place one must go through to move, or escape--is occupied.

"Parade," on the other hand, is an event. It's a festival, one where people gather together to celebrate something with big floats and colorful streamers. "Dance," is, well, dancing, but when used to describe movement between locations, it takes on more specific connotations: the movement is that of merriment, of playing and running and shouting and teasing and celebrating. "Block," can be a communal space. They can be their own micro-ecosystems of apartments and bodegas, with friends and neighbors knowing and supporting each other. The parade might be a yearly thing, but "block parties," are a more common event.

You may argue I'm extrapolating additional meaning behind 'streets,' and 'blocks,' but I'm not. If you don't want to extrapolate additional meaning as the reader, that's your god given right. But you can't make that claim of me, the writer. Streets and blocks are different the way oceans and islands are different. I deliberately choose 'streets;' I deliberately choose 'blocks.' I could've used a different word. I did not. Mark Twain puts it better:

"The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter. ’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."

Do you see why I hate those lists?--"Words to use instead of death." "Words to use instead of quiet."--The process of writing is figuring out how best to communicate to the reader a given thing or experience. Those lists don't know what story you're writing, only you do. Granted, neither does a thesaurus. A hammer doesn't know you're making a table, but that doesn't mean the hammer isn't a useful tool. A thesaurus is a tool. You may classify those lists as tools as well, but again, what can they do that a thesaurus can't do but better?

A Thesaurus is Inherently More Versatile. Those Lists are a Gimmick.

If you think those lists and posts are useful, more power to you. But I doubt they actually are. I may be wrong here--I may be speaking from bias--but has anyone's specific writing--a story they were actively creating--actually improved--genuinely--because they felt like they used 'said,' too much, and looked on Tumblr for an alternative? I can think of many times in my own writing, when I was trying to conjure a specific experience--evoke a specific feeling--and had trouble finding the right word. The word "forest," or whatever word was giving me trouble, just didn't have the connotations I wanted. So I whipped out my thesaurus, looked through it for a while, and found, "foliage," which was more suited for the sentence I was making.

And what of repetitiveness? What if the problem isn't that you can't find the right word, but you're using the same word too much? To be frank, if you're having an issue with repetition, it probably doesn't mean you're using the same word too much, it probably means you're describing the same thing too much. Don't describe the forest as a list of things it pertains: "The forest had large boulders. The river that flows within the forest was clear. The flowers of the forest were bright." Describe the things themselves. Describe the boulders, describe the river, describe the flowers. Miss the forest for the trees. The forest and a blade of grass are connected, but they are different objects entirely. Not unlike synonyms.

The craft of writing should ultimately be fun, and if you truly find it to be so, let me tell you that picking the first word that sounds nice from a predetermined list and moving on will never be as enjoyable as constructing your sentence. It's the difference between buying a portrait and painting one. It's the difference between the almost right word and the right one; the lightning bug and the lightning.

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Eighteen

Back in Clontarf, I perch at the gleaming, marble island while Jude prepares dinner. I watch him doing it with undisguised interest, because he cooks the way that I imagine he makes art, fully absorbed, with precision and confidence, and completely and utterly in the flow of his own enjoyment. He connects his iPhone to a Bluetooth speaker and plays music for a while, until Ivy bursts in and complains that she can’t focus on her homework with all of the noise.

He switches it off for her, but even in the silence he moves around to the beat of the music in his head, with a smile on his face that only endures the more stupid questions I ask him about what he’s doing. He’s making a spice mix in a pestle and mortar, he’s coating the fillets in flour, that’s actually rose water, not vanilla, yes, he taught himself how to do this, those flowers are actually totally edible, they’re not just there to look good, so a shallot is actually stronger than an onion, that’s why he’s using it. He prepared a lot of it earlier, marinating fresh fish in harissa for hours, and par boiling the potatoes so that they’d be oven ready by the time we got home from visiting Jen, and when I ask him where he found the time to do all of this he explains that he was simply procrastinating, because he doesn’t want to write his thesis. 

We eat at the dining table with Ivy, who shovels the food into her mouth in the span of about five minutes despite her complaints about it tasting bad, and gives a series of very bored, one word answers to his questions about school in between mouthfuls. He reminds her that she should practise for her piano lesson tomorrow and tells her that he can’t collect her from afterschool hockey so she’ll have to get the bus. It occurs to me that this is perhaps the most un-sibling like relationship I’ve ever witnessed. Perhaps it’s a symptom of their age gap. 

“Where’re your parents tonight?” I query once Ivy rushes off to her bedroom to reconvene whatever teen girl things were interrupted by dinner, and he looks down at his plate. “Working late again.”

“Seems like they really like to work.”

“They sure do. Or they really like not having to be in this house.”

He’s said things like this to me before, these kind of vaguely troubling statements about his parents in very casual, matter of fact ways, as though they’re entirely absent and have no love for each other whatsoever, and this is something he finds normal. I’ve never asked him about it before, and something I’ve never quite been able to handle the idea of broaching, but now, since we’re… kind of, sort of going out with each other it suddenly feels important to know whether his expectations for his own relationships are different to his parents’ strange marriage.  

“What is it about them?”

“We don’t have to discuss these grim things about my family, it’s alright.”

“We don’t have to, but I think I’d like to know about it.”

He pushes his food thoughtfully around his plate. “They just shouldn’t have gotten married, I suppose. I think they meant well initially but it’s ultimately done more damage than good.” He glances towards the closed door and up towards the ceiling, where his sister is, and lowers his voice a little bit. “I think they’ll probably get a divorce as soon as Ivy finishes school.”

“Oh.”

“I’m the reason they’re married, and she’s the reason they’re still together. They had this amazing idea at one point that having another child would solve all of their issues, but now they’ve just trapped themselves in a bind for an extra nine years. They could be blissfully divorced by now, but they won’t do it until she’s moved out, because they don’t want to disrupt her schooling.” 

“How old were they when you were born?”

“Nineteen and twenty one.” 

“Oh, God.”

“Yep, big mistake. Whoops.” he tosses a chunk of potato into his mouth and leans back in his chair. “Mom finished school and went to stay with her aunt in America, took up a job at a department store in Albuquerque, hooked up with a med student at a bar on her first month there, and well…” He throws up his hands in mock celebration. “Here I am!”

“I suppose that being unmarried with a child wasn’t really an option for your mother at the time.” 

“No, not at all, I mean, she had come from catholic Ireland. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to live at home again unless she married the man from that bar.” The way he speaks about his father is strange, as though despite his presence in their lives, he’s still some random, nameless med student from San Bernardino. 

“And then what?” 

“Well, then my dad continued school, and my mom began her studies and my great aunt took care of me on and off until my dad got his doctorate degree. Then they had Ivy, on purpose, by the way, and when she was a baby we moved back here.” He shrugs. “That’s all.”

I breathe out a laugh. “You’re so cagey.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah it’s like you don’t want to talk about them, or your home life, like, ever.”

He doesn’t look like he’s all that bothered by my interrogation, he just gives me this self-effacing little smile. “Come on, Evie. It’s because this stuff is boring.” 

“I don’t think it’s boring at all.” 

“Well, okay. They didn’t want to be together, they shouldn’t have had kids, and they act like they never did because they barely parented either one of us. Has anyone ever told you that you’re bad at letting things drop?”

“Yeah, loads. Has anyone ever told you that you’re bad at talking about serious things?”

“Of course.” The corner of his mouth quirks up and he lifts my arm from the table to kiss the inner part of my wrist. “Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?”

“Yes, you. Tell me what it was like for you when you were growing up.” 

“I’ve told you loads about my childhood already though.” 

“Yeah, you have, and I loved hearing about how badly behaved you were and what it felt like to live in America, but I wish you’d get into the guts of it, the real stuff.”

“The real stuff?”

“The stuff that makes you so clearly sad. You get that look on your face whenever it comes up.”

He hasn’t let go of my wrist, and now his thumb is gently stroking the skin that he kissed a moment before while he stares out into the garden through streak-free glass patio doors, and he chews on his lip before deciding to speak. “Well, when Ivy was born I stopped being a kid, I suppose. My parents didn’t have a lot of interest in caring for either of us, and I was lucky, because my great aunt in Albuquerque did all of that for them when I was little, but when we moved here the support system really fell away. Nobody had considered that. We have my mom’s parents, but they’re about as warm as she is, and even though we’d be dumped over to theirs at the weekends, it wasn’t like we had especially fun or memorable times. Usually we’d get some bucket of crap toys from the seventies and whatever was on the three TV channels that they had. They were okay, but Ivy was a really nervous toddler. She didn’t like being around unfamiliar people, to the point that our grandmother would have to roll her bottles down the hallway to where she was hiding at the bottom of the stairs so that she’d drink anything at all. She just screamed whenever either of our grandparents came near her. It just wasn’t working out, so we eventually stopped having to go, and by then, when I was like eleven, it just made sense that I’d look after her instead.”

“What did that involve?”

“Everything. Feeding her, dressing her, putting her to bed, shopping for food, toys, eventually bringing her to the creche. She used to go to the childminders while I was at school, but only until I finished at three or four o’clock, and then I’d swing by and get her. A child collecting another child, like, I don’t know if they’d let that kind of thing happen anymore, but it was a small family run childminders, the kind of lawless place where they have this one old granny looking after about twelve children in her house and everything and anything goes. My mom used to come home and cook dinner for a while, but she was delighted when I got old enough to do that for her too. It meant she could stay out of the house for longer and do whatever she used to do. Have affairs or whatever.” He huffs out a laugh. “I mean, I really don’t know if that was ever the case but I wouldn’t be that surprised. Everything got really confined because of Ivy, you know? I always had to be home, and helping, and collecting and living my life on this schedule while all the other teenagers were just being blissfully selfish and… just teenagers.”

“But you had time to yourself, surely?”

“Yeah, at night when my parents were finally home from work, but I mean, yeah, it wasn’t about not having time to do hobbies or hang out with my friends, it was about having to do it at all. It was about having to consider those things. Nobody should have to parent their siblings, it was really stifling and really unfair. If my parents wanted another child then they should have been prepared to take care of her. You can’t just offload that responsibility onto the older child. I resented it, and I still do.”

I spear my fingers into the side of his hair and run my hand down the back of his head. “That’s why you went to Berlin.” 

“I just didn’t want to do it anymore.”

“You shouldn’t have ever had to.”

“Right.” He hesitates and his teeth rake over his lower lip, pulling the skin until it’s taut and white. “I just feel like going to Berlin was the most selfish thing I could have possibly done though.”

“No way.” I say. “It forced your parents to do what they should have been doing all along, and look after your sister.” 

“Yeah but it didn’t really do that. I look at Ivy now, and she’s doing a lot of those things I used to do for her all on her own. My parents never stepped up like I hoped they would, so she’s just becoming another teenager with too many responsibilities, and parents that will divorce as soon as they can and leave her without a solid base to come home to when she’s in college. And then, you know, on the other hand I think about Jen, and how bad everything has become for her and I know that if I’d stayed, and if I’d been here for her then maybe I could have-”

“It’s no use thinking that, Jude. You had to be on your own for once. You can’t hold up the whole world on your shoulders.”

“I’m selfish.” His voice is acidic, and the moment I feel his fingers loosen on me I grab a hold of his sleeve, because all of a sudden it feels vitally important to keep a connection between us.

“You didn’t get a proper childhood. I’d be even more selfish if I were you. You need to be doing the things that you want to do, seeing the world, partying with your friends, all of that stuff that you’ve been doing for the last four years. It’s all food for your soul.” 

“You’re too forgiving of me. It’s okay to say that I’ve been generally inconsiderate.”

“You’re way too hard on yourself.” I say quietly. “And you know that’s not true. You’re a good person, and you were always so nice to me, even when I was quiet and shy. You made an effort to talk to me at that time that Jen invited me to that modern art exhibition in Dublin, and you made me feel so included and asked so many questions about me even though I felt so nervous around you both.”

“I feel like that’s the least anyone could have done.” He says sulkily, as though he doesn’t really feel like being talked out of his mood. “The more I dwell on it the more I think there is something seriously wrong with me. Something that should have been figured out a lot earlier, but like, here I am, a twenty two year old, in the final months of my final year at college and I feel a bit… I dunno, lost, or something. I’m floundering, and I don’t really know who I am anymore. I swore I had it figured out at eighteen but now that seems laughable to me.”

“Nobody tells you how weird it is to be in your twenties.” I declare. “They insist that it’s amazing and fun and you’ll have all of this independence, but actually it feels strange and vulnerable, and there’s no rule book about how to navigate your way through it. One day you’re a stupid teenager and the next you live on your own and you have to know how to use the city bus and remember the pin of a debit card.”

“Yeah.” 

“It’s alright that you find it hard, is all I’m saying, and I for one, feel like I truly knew nothing about being an adult. To be honest sometimes I get a bit freaked out by how lost I feel. But then I try not to think about it, and I just go on with my day.”

“That’s your advice?” He says, with the hint of a smile threatening to crack through the gloom. “Just don’t think about it?”

“Probably shouldn’t be, should it?”

“I think that’s terrible advice, Evie.”

“Well that’s all I have for you.”

He leans into me and lightly kisses my jaw before going back to his food, and the featherlight touch of his lips sends shivers right down to my toes. “Well I think we should think about hard things.” He says. “I think that ignoring them only gives them more power, actually.”

“Maybe some things aren’t meant to be processed now. They’re meant for later.”

“How much later?”

“I don’t know. Just later.” I push the last of my dinner onto my fork and into my mouth and try not to feel self-conscious about the fact that he’s watching me like I’m under a spotlight. 

“I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to talk to me about any of the things that happened you in first year then-”

My chair makes a hideous scraping noise against the parquet floor. “Do you have any pictures of you when you were small?” I say, wiping my hands on the thighs of my jeans, and he blinks. “Um. Why?”

“Just when we were talking about your childhood, like,” I stack his empty plate on top of mine. “I was wondering to myself what you might have looked like as a little boy. That’s all.”

“There are some, somewhere yeah. I can root them out if you want.”

“I’d love that, would you mind?” I hastily pack things away in the dishwasher, and I put the plates in crookedly, and I can’t find where the cutlery goes, and Jude is there, and he takes the forks out of my hands and gingerly places them into the sink. 

“It’s fine. Leave it.” He says. “Come into the living room, I’ll get the baby photos out.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

[mumufic]

A Muggle!Lily AU

So, since I finished Mirrors, I decided it was time to embark on another long-ass fic, this time in answer to and inspired by this Reddit prompt. Because it's just so delicious!

I haven't figured out what ships I wanted to do here probably Prongsfoot because these days, that's how I roll. But here's a snippet to share.

Characters: James Potter, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Petunia Evans (Potential) Pairings: James Potter/Sirius Black Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Sorry Lily died, Harry needed the mother's love protection, And I guess the prophecy needed it too, The Marauders are adults now!, They have completely adult lives!

Prologue: The Accident

Lily Evans flicked another nervous look up at the rearview mirror. Driving at night when she could very well simply have taken a train to Bath and hired a taxi from there should have been what she'd thought of the moment Alice's invitation came through on the mail. But then she had been burning her midnight oil slaving over that stupid thesis statement that her thesis team decided not to go with anyway. Harry had started crying, and if Petunia heard, there was no end of hell to pay, especially if Harry's crying - caterwauling, more like - woke Dudley up, and then she and her recently divorced sister would both be up all night trying to quell the babies well into the morning, whereupon the neighbors would quietly judge the two scarlet lettered Evans sisters for their poor choices in life.

But the reality was she'd been sleep-deprived, hungry, and tired, and her toddler had a great many odd things happening to him lately. Things she hadn't been able to explain. Things Petunia thought Lily might want to find experts to speak with, because Dudley had none of the same symptoms and Petunia was beginning to grow frightened for Harry. 

Things Lily thought people would think her mad if she tried to actually find child doctors to try to explain them to.

Even now, as she watched Harry fidget with the straps of his car seat, she was not entirely sure Alice knew altogether what Lily was going through with her son. Twin floating globes of eerie pink and purple lights hovered over Harry's chubby hands, and the boy giggled as he let go of the straps and poked at the lights, making them spin in the black, empty air of the vehicle's backseat. Lily almost wanted to smile at the innocent delight Harry took in the simple action. Almost. 

If only those lights hadn't actually been there ten seconds ago, which was the last time she'd checked on Harry before turning her attention back to the yawning expanse of empty country road before her.

“It's not that strange,” she told herself, keeping her eyes on the gleam of the white paint of the road signals in the borrowed car's headlights and resolutely not looking back to gawk at the way Harry had started ping-ponging the lights to the car's ceiling. 

Not that strange at all.

I wish my Neville's shown similar, visible signs, he’s scarcely ever turned the table wine into Jell-O. Wish my mother-in-law wouldn't badger the poor child, but ah, well. What can you do with these country ladies and their expectations on their poor sons and grandsons.

That had been what Alice had said when Lily had first accidentally knocked into her at a pub just outside of uni. Poor girl had been so unstable on her feet stepping out of the loo, Lily had thought she was high. She hadn't been, of course. She'd been talking with another friend whose name escaped Lily now even though the three of them had ended up sitting at the bar together and Lily had somehow poured out her terrified observations of her son to these two twinkly-eyed strangers who had been so kind in telling her she was not slowly going mad from exhaustion between her part-time work, uni, and Harry.

That meeting had perhaps singularly saved her son's life. She'd been so terrified she might have to... to place some strange calls to the NHS, and then the doctors would tell her that she would have to bring Harry to Broadmoor and she'd never see her little angel again. Because she was terrified of what Harry could and sometimes did do, but she adored him all the same.

If only he'd thought to... create something else other than those strange lights. Or, well, if only Lily's ridiculous major wasn't literature and she wasn't writing a thesis on true cases of extra-sensory phenomena used to fuel Victorian horror literature. She was half-frightening herself with the things she'd read, and might even have considered shifting to a different major in her final year, if she wasn't mortified that Petunia would have to put up with another year of her mooching off her poor sister's meager junior nurse's salary.

Stop it, Lily Evans! she told herself sternly. You’re frightening yourself over nothing. Harry is a perfectly normal, healthy boy. It’s just that he—that he—

Wisely, she decided not to pursue that thought or it would lead to a slippery slope that would end in nothing but misery. Harry wasn’t the one at fault for his own predicament. That was all Lily and her stupid, wanton disregard for her older sister’s dire warnings not to spend too much time carousing when she should have been studying. Uni was free, but drinks weren’t, Petunia had told her. And with the meager inheritance from their suddenly dead parents, there wasn’t a lot to live on, not when Lily also had to rent a flat in London so she could live somewhere close to her school and not have to suffer a daily three-hour train ride to Birmingham and then another hour-long trek to Cokeworth. But did she listen?

Truly, she only had herself to blame, both for the condition she’d landed herself in after giving in to that charmingly soused and thoroughly infectious grin of the bespectacled boy at the club. A boy whose name she hadn’t even caught over the sensory overload of music, grinding bodies and far, far too much alcohol. 

She could have had an abortion when she found out. Tuney was studying to be a nurse, after all, and her older sister would not have let her be tarred by the judgment of her peers if she had. But not only had she decided to carry to term, she’d also decided to keep the child. And now, Harry was the one bright point in an overwhelming sea of misery and regret that had become Lily Evans’ life, all his strange powers and capabilities be damned.

No, it was just… just the season, she was sure. Halloween was supposed to be that one time of the year besides Christmas that she could let her hair down. She’d loved going wearing funny little costumes as a child, going door to door on Spinner’s End with Petunia in the hopes that their beleaguered neighbors had sweets to give out to bright-eyed little girls in identical witch costumes. She wanted her young son to have the same with the son of her new friend, even though the true nature of Lily’s visit to Alice Longbottom had little to do with trick or treating, and a lot to do with Lily’s need for commiseration that her son was alright, that he was normal, that the ability to conjure up ghostly lights in the darkened backseat of her borrowed car was not mind-numbingly terrifying, she might have peed herself when she first glimpsed Harry playing with them in the rearview mirror.

Yes, just the season, and nothing more. This was not the first time Harry had done such a thing, nor would it be the last. And Lily Evans was nothing if not a practical who only sometimes made impractical decisions. 

Impractical decisions that tended to ruin lives.

Like taking up literature instead of something immediately useful like typing. Like taking a portion of the inheritance she received to dull the pain of losing her parents in a screaming, wild dance club. Like sleeping with a handsome boy whose name she did not know. Like keeping a child out of wedlock when she had neither money nor the means to bring the child up when her sister had given her a most practical way out. Like tearing apart said sister’s marriage when Vernon Dursley, that ass of an ex-husband Petunia had left, had the audacity to call her a wanton harlot over a weekend family dinner and her tossing the table wine on his ugly, puce face. Like—

“Stop,” she told herself, again and with more force. “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

“Mummum?” Harry gurgled from the carseat in the back.

Lily shook her head, risking a backward glance to look at her son through eyes quickly filling with tears. She hastily wiped them away one-handed and cast a watery smile at her boy. Her favorite boy in the world.

“Mummy’s all right, little bean,” she murmured, craning a little so she could touch something, a small part of her sweet, handsome son, smiling at her so winsomely with those adorable little front teeth that looked like tiny saws in his mouth. “Just a few minutes more. Auntie Alice said she has a son your age that you can play with when we get there. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Mummum,” said Harry happily, leaning forward and swatting at her reaching fingers.

Lily wanted to grasp her son’s chubby little hands, but she remembered there was a fork in the road up ahead, and the slip road turned into a driveway that seemed to lead up into nothing. Maybe it was just that it was already so late and dark that she wasn’t seeing the Tudor-style manor house on top of a hill that Alice said was where her family lived. She could have sworn there was nothing up there but a bit of stunted trees that looked like they’d been struck by lightning.

 Good God, she really shouldn’t have embarked on this… this pointless errand. What could Alice possibly tell her? That being able to conjure lights and sometimes make flowers bloom or wilt in an instant was normal toddler behavior? And so what if Alice had a boy of her own that she was convinced could do the same things Harry could? She should’ve stayed home and studied while Harry played alone. Better yet, she should have driven to Cokeworth, where Petunia and Dudley were and have her son play with his cousin instead!

“Mummy!” Harry suddenly exclaimed, the sound loud in the quiet hum of the car’s faint mechanical rumble.

Lily’s eyes darted up to the rearview mirror to see that Harry had slapped the balls of light from his face and was growing restless that they weren’t floating back to him fast enough for his liking. She let one hand drift from the steering wheel, for what reason she wasn’t sure. Maybe to quell the beginnings of a temper tantrum, or maybe just to comfort her obviously bored child.

Whatever it was, it distracted her enough that she took her eyes off the road, right at the T where the road forked. And then suddenly, there was a pop from outside the car and something big and black and reflecting nothing of the incessantly bright headlamps crashed against the front of the car. It rolled over the hood, the sound of metal denting from the impact a sonorous screech in the silent night, before the thing rolled upwards over the windshield, cracking the glass, and bounced on the roof of the car.

Lily screamed as she hit the brake pedal, the hand still on the wheel fighting to gain control of the suddenly careening vehicle as the tires screamed on the tarmac, and the car spun out of her control, straight towards a copse of trees just past the T fork. 

Glass rained down as the windshield gave from the impact. More shrieks of metal as the front of the car dented and bent around the trunk of one tree, pushing the screamingly hot engine inward, onto Lily’s bent legs, onto her unprotected belly. Onto her, and eventually her son.

She hadn’t even the chance to plead with the good Lord for her life as pain sizzled through her with the crush of her legs, the stab of the wheel on her sternum. Her head lolled forward, her entire body like a rag doll given over to the implacable centrifugal forces of the out-of-control vehicle, and bumped, hard, on the upper bend of the wheel. 

But even in the madness of the accident, she fought to keep her vision, suddenly rimmed with a wash of red, steady as she tried to twist to check on her son. Instead of Harry, what she saw was a dark gray mist erupting from where the thing she’d hit lay mere meters from where the car had finally rolled to a stop, its dangerous trajectory impeded by the trees.

The mist was heading for them, traveling at a speed no wind could have carried.

No, she thought. It wasn’t her, for she knew she was dying. It was heading for her son. Her sweet, beautiful son, who was still alive, still fidgeting in his car seat, still uninjured save for a small cut on his forehead oozing blood.

“No, no, no,” she whimpered, powering through the haze, powering through the agony. Powering through impending death. The mist was in the car now, enveloping her and Harry. “Not my son, please not my son! Take me instead! Take me! I’m dying anyway!”

She didn’t know what else she babbled. What else might have escaped the burst of pain ripping through her chest as the wild lights from her blinking, shattered headlamps spun. There was a whoosh in her ears as the mist seemed to coalesce before her for a moment. It was as if she was in a wind tunnel. She couldn’t see anything, hear anything, feel anything, but the rushing sound of that thick, oily, dark mist, the heaviness of it blanketing the interior of the cramped vehicle.

It seemed to grow, seemed to expand, seemed to encompass everything she was. And then it sharpened, as if into a knife point and stabbed into her beloved son’s forehead. There was another loud, inhuman screech as the mist tore itself apart even as it drove deeper and deeper into Harry’s weeping wound.

Distantly, she thought she heard a baby crying. She wanted to go to it, the maternal instinct in her to protect and comfort a squalling babe still strong despite the unending agony her body bore. But she was tired. So very tired. And in so much pain. She couldn’t take it. She could barely keep her eyes, already awash with blood–so much blood!–open. 

And then, at last she breathed her last, and Lily Evans, her undying love and her sea of regrets, was no more.

[littledoggy-girlcollar]

a counterargument: colin bullied nate pretty relentlessly, including physically. nate was openly scared of colin in the for the children ep. not that that makes what said okay, but he also apologized to colin afterwards.

you know i did think about this when writing the post so here's my thoughts on that:

you're right, colin did bully nate in season one, but unless i totally misread shit (which, possible, i did watch a lot of it fairly late at night and watched the other part of it while writing an essay), the bullying was explicitly ring-led by jamie, and was stopped pretty much entirely by roy yelling at them in the club. as far as i remember, there was nothing specific that colin did that jamie and isaac didn't, and while i also don't remember a full apology to nate, it also seemed like they all got along fairly well afterward, especially after nate's promotion to assistant coach.

and then the Headspace episode happened. i had thoughts abt what i was going to say and then i went "hey lemme pull up the episode to make sure i have that right" and i forgot those thoughts and now i have new ones and they're way more thesis-y than i thought they'd be so here we go!

nate is a bit of a dick to colin during practice, following some ribbing of nate's new nickname of the "wonder kid," coming from him mispronouncing "wunderkind/wonderkind" (as far as i can tell these are the same word? just different spelling?). dani, jamie, and colin all make essentially the same joke, but colin is the only one that nate gets mad at. could this possibly just be because of the lingering resentment from the bullying last season? sure. but colin actually goes to nate's office to figure out what he did wrong and if there's something else he should be doing, and nate literally tells him he did it because dani and jamie have more talent and recognition than he does (incredibly paraphrased). my rant about how colin could end up being THE most inspiring member of the team if the show/the character decides to go that way will be saved for another post, but in essence, nate explicitly tells both colin and us as the viewer that he picked on colin because he doesn't think he has that much power to retaliate, and nate's position as assistant coach gives him a level of authority over colin as well.

crazy. almost like a role reversal over here or something.

anyways, beard calls nate on his shit, nate apologizes to colin in front of the team, the apology is accepted. in all, it was kind of a one-off thing that was resolved fairly easily, and i am realizing that my view of that specific instance may have been clouded by the rest of the episode, but there is one more point i want to hit on before we get to that part, which is that: colin is a gay man in a sport with (from what i've heard) no visibly out queer men, and nate had no way of knowing this, but that probably made his comment cut deeper than he even intended. i know in season three colin says he doesn't want to be some big statement or representation or whatever, and i think that's totally fair and if the show wants to stick with that i think that's chill, but i do still think telling a closeted gay man that "you aren't special, you don't inspire anyone, shut up and do the work" would have a biiiiit of a mental impact beyond just the visible hurt we see from colin as he leaves. again, this bit isn't necessarily on nate since he didn't know and may not have factored it in even if he did, but to me it's just kind of another drop in the bucket of "wow this man is just saying anything now cause he's got an outsourced sense of superiority."

and that's actually where my main problem comes from. because after the apology the team gifts nate a jersey with "wonder kid" on it. and they are happy about it, and they think it's cool, and they give the credit to will (the kitman, you know, nate's old job) for coming up with it, and will says "it's a pretty awesome nickname." and then nate sees one fucking negative meme on twitter, in a flood of literally hundreds of positive ones, plus headlines and fucking podcasts praising him to high heaven, and nate goes "clearly will was trying to embarrass me, guess i better go physically threaten him so he never does that again."

because he's an insecure prick that doesn't actually believe in himself or have self-confidence. he's done a bit of growing, sure, and he can stand up for himself and voice his opinions a bit better now, but despite his stupid fucking posturing and spitting in the mirror (cause its tough? a metaphor for him hating himself? whatever it's fucking stupid) he gets all of his confidence from other people. he hasn't internalized it yet. he feels good when ted praises his ideas, he gets overly insecure when roy does literally anything, including give the proper credit to nate, feels lighter than air and higher than heaven (i don't usually invoke holy shit this much the show must be rubbing off on me in terms of metaphors) when everyone is praising his name, and it can all be ruined by one comment from his father and the same picture of his face on the internet only this time it's saying shit instead of giving him glory. so he's hearing all of this praise from pretty much all corners, and he feels good about it, but he can't hold onto it. he can't internalize it. so when he sees a sliver of criticism, it all goes out the window, and he doesn't want that! that makes him feel bad! so he has to get rid of that, too, and the easiest way to get rid of it is to turn it around on someone else. someone with less power who won't fuck you up and who doesn't visibly have enough support to come back at you (because while i love colin, we really don't see him shine on his own that much. and neither does nate). and sure whatever nate's dad is a jerk to him and childhood issues shut the fuck up that's a grown man with an actively growing support system. which he throws under the bus like five seconds later by the way.

anyways. my point here is really that the episode is kind of a perfect summary of nate's character at this point in the narrative. he's abusing his power out of some weird sense of superiority one good win got him, he's got enough humanity to realize (re: be forced to realize by a large man with a beard and ability to disappear from offices) when he's fucked up no actually hold on. he literally only apologizes cause coach beard confronts him on it and is expecting it. he wouldn't have done this otherwise and we know it because look at how he's treated will literally since he got there. ok sorry for the detour that hit me literally as i was writing and i don't have the energy to go back up and revise to fit that in. so: abusing power, will apologize when made to by those he still views as having more power than him, externalizes all of his self-concept, positive and negative, and continues to take out all negativity on anyone he views as having less power. WHICH AGAIN FUCKING SUCKS SINCE THAT LITERALLY USED TO BE HIM IT'S LITERALLY "WELL I WENT THROUGH X SO YOU SHOULDN'T GET Y" BEHAVIOR FUCK OFF. GOD. okay i need to end this before i get real fucked up about it ok closing statement.

yes, colin bullied nate in season one. yes, nate ostensibly apologized to colin and colin accepted. no, the reason this grinds my gears isn't necessarily the colin thing specifically, but the situation is kind of a microcosm of everything that's going on in the world of nate, and is therefore condensed, and therefore saturated, so it sucks more ass. yes, i understand that pretty much everything i've laid out is why nate is such a well written character, but that doesn't make him a less shitty person. i'm sure i had more things to say and forgot them so if you wanna ask questions shoot.