#but I hope my mind is left alone
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About a day ago I was in a half asleep state i felt abandoned by God...I am abandoned by God i believe i am unsure but im sure he wasnt there thats for sure, i was in a dark place far away that's when I saw it a black figure the main figures i could tell appert where many eyes what I could asume was their face only showed one eye and clipped wings all dark i instantly knew what it likely was i don't know why or how but I have an ability to make bright blue spectral wings appear and I made myself glow as bright as a sun ,I knew I needed to blind and burn away my foe i did I saw many of the eyes pupils turning grey and I could tell it was in pain ,it was down but I wasn't fooled their other eye covering the first eye of its fafe i knew I did damage they tried to grab me? I can't recall what action they did, but they failed as I just burned and glowed brighter, causing them intense agony ,I managed to turn them even to ash but I could tell they where trying to reform i knew I had to get them out of there i thought fast and somehow got our a bottle and stuffed the ashes, and sealed the bottle ,it was shaking the next thing I thought was those paper seals I made a roll of em appear i used one but it wasn't enough i completely wrapped the bottle with it and tried to burry the bottle in what looked like muck? Lava? I did it until it stopped moving then I tore a small hole in the darkness and threw the bottle out i don't know where I drew it i think I saw another figure, a guard of sort who may or may not have gotten hit in the back of the head by the bottle, then I woke up fully ,not exactly sure what I just did but I knew I just fucked up a fallen angel badly ,I did ask who exactly it was tho ,but I'm oddly enough proud that I managed that on my own with my own power ,tho I won't let my guard down just in case
After that , I felt a lot better tho I'm still sorta wary
I'm happy I'm unharmed, but that was a bizarre, lucid dream thing that is the best I can describe the experience
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Reuniting with a distorted past.
Extra:(New personality tested gone wrong)
wanted to play with rin living in the aftermath aus aswell and had these drawings laying around to share so yay
Panel 1: Was buried alive.
Comic 1: Who are you supposed to be?
new friends
Comic 2: Misguided protection.
obito still sensing the warning signs of rin losing her temper. anyways they proceeded to be dragged into the ocean by rin like some sea monster
Comic 3: Finding out (Now what will you do?)
obito is harshly brought back from his delusions because now its not just kushina but rin too who he needs to ripped out the tail beast from
#naruto#naruto fanart#kakashi hatake#rin nohara#obito uchiha#naruto sukea#fanart#art#my art#sketch#drawing#digital art#hope i can add something new and if not may i shall add fuel to the fire for rin!! :)#So Rin loses ALL of her memories forever (kinda)#the only thing that remains for sure is the feeling of missing something that she'll never reach it again#she's alone and is left to roam directionless until she meets an elderly civilian that is also alone#she stays with her for a year+ but she passes away. But Rin with her new identity decides to walk forward (with love comes pain#but to love at all was the greatest thing to her.) She cherishes her new memories and won't let it stop her from moving on#inbetween this time frame she meets isobu in her mind after he gains enough form within her (who is also without memories)#Now WAY LATER she meets Sukea who looks like he's about to panic and she tries to help (which uh doesnt work too well)#but then Sukea joins her on her travels (sending minato an letter through his summons of rin being alive and forgetting the mission)#they both wander around (he doesnt know how to bring up their past) but then obito appears (always at the wrong times)#At first glance he's pissed but then realizes that this isnt fake AND its both the worse thing yet best thing to ever happen#Now Rin thinks she made two new friends who give her feelings of warmth but they both also reminded her of something old she thinks#PS Minato and Kushina are freaking out back in the village but can't do anything about it (Obito hasn't acted on his plans yet so yes)
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what are u guys' dream game after sotm? since itll be the last game centered around the mimics backstory and integration and stuff (hopefully) theres basically a whole world of possibilities for currently neglected storylines lol
#my personal hope rn is a game including ggy and then the as dawko calls it 'security breach 2'#when i say including ggy i dont necessarily mean about like i rlly want vanny to be included if they do a game like that#but i also dont want a sotm esque ggy game where its copy and paste from the book#not only is that boring asf but i dont want the book as it is to be touched#the whole reason ggy is as good as it is is bc the author knows books and wrote it with a book in mind#not just to write something about fnaf#its formatted to be a good story in novel form not in game form#and it should be left alone#ily tony but u dont rlly need to be in the games#basically a ggy prequel including vanny heavily showing rabs design voice and dynamic with vanny#and how he got killed/gregory got freed#basically fleshing out the pre sb pizzaplex rab and vanny and glitchtrap era#and then the big campaign game like sb theyll probably do eventually about vanny cassie with gregory vanessa and freddy#id love if there was a reference to tony in the games like gregory mentions friends he used ti know#or ita just the basic idea of grappling with killing one of ur friends unwillingly and we connect the dots as bim talking abkut tiny#yknow#pandas.txt#pre sotm#thoughts#pre ggy game#ggy has to be made relevant soon bc of all those hints scott has been putting eveyrwhere#of mentioning ggy by name#that stuff is a huge deal he doesnt play around with secrets like how hes been treating those ggy hints#im so excited#i just hope it turns out good bc im so particular about ggy i dont want them to try and do the book but lame😭#any ggy content is a win but still theres a chance they could mess it up#like theyre doing with mimic#making a game completely centered around 2yo books that everyone already knows everything about already & its#in john fuhnaffs words 'copy and pasted'#like hello thats boring and lame
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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Ino: I think Choji's in the mosh pit again...
Shika: Well, at least someone is enjoying themselves...
Choji when the start of his favourite song comes on: THE KINSLAYER!! Fucking, yeeessssss!
Choji headbanging at the Nightwish gig (see previous posts)
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Choji: You waiting on a text from someone, dude?
Shika: Nah, I doubt it. She...*they* don't even have a mobile, so I'll probably never hear from them...I mean...whatever.
Choji:...you never know, bro....😌
End of the gig and the bois are waiting for Ino. Choji knows what's up but doesn't want to bother Shika about it. Shika thinks he can hide it 🤭
Headcanon madness inspired by the AU characters in Grandmaster by @notquitejiraiya
Thank you to @ferocityh for helping me translate!
#METALHEAD CHOJI 🤘#I realise i have been spelling 'losing' incorrectly this whole time 🤦♀️#LOSING my mind: week 7#Choji is just leaving shika to it cause he knows his little heart got broken recently and wants to be left alone 😔#so he went off to the mosh pit by himself!#inspired by actual pics of my husband in 2005 at gigs used as references 🤘😎🤭#Shika has a good old Nokia 3310 😍#00s baggy jeans and chains#Akamichi tattoo on his arm#he also took his hairband off so he can headbang harder!!#air guitar 🎸#tried to make Choji big like maybe he plays rugby or something 🤔#still has that sensative wisdom that we love choji for 😍#Boi Telepathy 🙃🦋#Aye he's a big Loonie!#grandmaster#shikatema#choji#naruto#i love gm shikatema so much#nara shikamaru#ferocityh can you let me know if the other Finnish bits are not right??#hope this is ok 😬#thank you guys for indulging me 🤭#gm for life
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My fifth photo featuring my fav boiz in suits :)
(They look better together with default looks)
#gladion#trainer hop#trainer blue#pokemon masters#pokemon sun and moon#pokemon ultra sun and moon#pokemon sword and shield#pokemon red and blue#my screen recording#I finally got ss gladion 🥹#I already had this composition in mind when this feature was released#but didn’t get him until 270 scout points in#I feel bad for leaving Hugh out I hope he gets an alt at least later this year#I really love nc blue’s design#but it’s a close second to Lillie’s 2nd anni alt#speaking in terms of the whole pokemas roster#I also just got the title for playing this game for 5 years#I played the game for a little while when it was released#but got bored of it so left it alone until Guzma and Plumeria came out#that being a close sign that gladion was coming#I remember that being in March but he didn’t come until September#but yea I’ve been playing every day ever since#AGAIN thank you pokemon masters and DeNa <3
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I ended up needing to decant the exhaust dye when I put the next 2 ounces/56 grams in, which I still have not added back in, and the new fleece is already dark with color. I'm going to let it cook overnight regardless just because I think it's good practice but wow, buckthorn berries are crazy potent for a natural dye. This was like one scant double handful (I didn't weigh them RIP) of dried berries and I'd be surprised if I got less than 6 ounces (130 grams) of dyed wool out of it.
#sorry if the conversions are wrong i often check but im too tired#doing them in my head#hope it doesnt rain tonight i want to get some more from the ground tomorrow if i can#i also read someone who took the skin from fresh ones and got blue#i dont think theres any fresh ones left at all at this point but im keeping it in mind for next summer#she said it was incredibly time consuming though. coming from a spinner and natural dyer you know thats gonna be rough#so intruiging though#ive been trying to see if anything has been eating them#the squirrels dont nor do the crows. not much else in this part of the city#man the squirrels have been acting weird too#they keep laying down ? have been awash with squirrels everywhere ive ever lived and ive never seen them lay down#until now. bizarre. it was two different ones in quick succession#anyway. i do spend a lot of time staring at like 3 trees i will admit#whenever im home alone pretty much. not that often maybe#natural dye#buckthorn berries
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Sounds like you've got a right bitch of a co-worker based on those post tags lol
ajfksdljf TT0TT Oh that was like my 3rd version of a post I made. I had to talk myself down and censor myself akljsdflkfa orz
But yes he really is. I cannot stress it enough that everyone hates his guts and he's created such a hostile work environment.
#silly asks#the junpei coworker#silly answers#god i hate him so much#he's not the first jackass i've had to work with but god he is the most recent#i should've called HR last night#i literally told him “do NOT fucking finish that sentence or train of thought”#and then he kept ALLUDING to what he wanted to say and i had to keep telling him to stfu#then he hid in the bathroom for 30 min (which pissed me off mORE because it meant he got a free 30 break and was paid for it)#all while i was left alone to wrangle a circus by myself#he was watching anime fyi...cause I could hear it when I had to go to the back room to get stuff#like we had a store meeting and my boss listed a bunch of stuff that needed to be minded#and like HALF of it was directed at junpei (he didn't look at him but WE ALL KNEW)#my boss even confirmed it when everyone else left#he only confirmed it because as soon as they left I turned to him an was like 'when is that mfer getting fired?????!"#my boss wants to fire him but HIS boss says he can't until they find a replacement#the bar is in hell rn#it's so bad that me and my other coworker made a bingo of shit he likes to pull on shift (HE'S THAT CONSISTENT)#*looks at sched* oh thank god I dont need to see him today or tomorrow-#WAIT NO I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM THE ENTIRE CLOSE FRIDAY NOOOOO FUCK save tme this is gonan suck#i'm kinda hoping he gets “sick” again I'd rather work alone TT0TT#*inhales* it'll be fine it'lle be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine#zen zen centered i am zen...I'll listen to an audio book or video i'll be ok#i'll just ignore him like i've been doing TT0TT#silly vents#vents#irl bs
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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& HEADCANONS ; voices and accents ☄. *. ⋆
● nahinu ; has the thick accent of someone born in east harlem due to her innate mimicking, but nevertheless speaks in soft, airy tones and with the halting nervousness of her social anxieties. her voice is a high register. ● devisee ; most often lacks an inflection, picks his words with perfect enunciation, and overall carries conversation with the awkward pauses of someone well read, but unused to speaking with others. curses in an aberration's tongue when no one else is around to hear. his voice is a low register. ● xianne ; has an inviting, easy-going cadence to match her smile and overfamiliar, teasing jabs. calls it like she sees it, and keeps conversation rolling like her Rs. her voice is a slightly lower register. ● geid ; has an accent thick as tree sap, and speaks ponderously, with verbiage that one really has to chew on; often difficult to understand. his voice is a low register. ● solar ; has no discernable accent to whomever they're speaking to, because they speak with the aid of their psionics, and occasionally may only converse mentally if their vessel can't form speech. their voice varies with possessions. ● jeanot ; slips into falahni inflections when he's angered as a result of the memories lodged in his brain, but otherwise speaks with some amalgamation of northern american accents at a soft pace, unless info dumping. he has a slightly higher registered voice that sometimes cracks. ● benjamin ; speaks with a thick new acadian (louisianan) accent of honeyed words, and a genial lilt to go with a mouthful of lies behind that great big smile of his. his voice is a slightly lower register. ● zelman ; through practice speaks the languages he's fluent in without a hint of his polish roots — except, perhaps, when he's half awake, and typically comes with the devil-may-care attitude of curt phrasing. his voice is a slightly lower register. ● lazare ; doesn't talk, but has a laugh from the chest that's coarse and higher pitched than his register, like he swallowed gravel and breathed in a helium balloon. his voice is a low register.
#headcanons ;#| everything that i lose gets found again. and dusts itself off clean ; zalman |#| an arms dealer fitting you with weapons in the form of words ; benjamin |#| mud thick as thighs was smeared across my eyelids ; jeanot |#| we won't stop lighting our minds up ; solar |#| seeds of hope they still grow. sheets of white over rock and grass ; geid |#| a fleck of gold. a color rush. the music stops and the world erupts ; nahinu |#| lost in a labyrinth left with no way out. the faces staring back at me look like somebody else ; devisee |#| bunch of freaks and animals arrived. maybe if you act nice we'll leave you alone ; lazare |#| making a mess and running in circles. getting in fights ; xianne |
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mfw someone i’m mutually blocked with seems to frequent this blog anyway (you know who you are)
#i’m not gonna name names but if the text in the tags managed to bring someone to mind then… that’s just how it is ig#though don’t send this to the person you think of ok? we may be thinking of different people after all soooooo yeah#let’s all stay clear out of trouble together… maybe~? i’m just gonna vent my confused frustrations in the tags in case the person sees this#seriously. haven’t i gone over this before? don’t we block each other for a reason?#you blocked me first (prolly) bc i ship lxl with each other. i blocked you in return (and bc i hate your ship just like you don’t like mine)#so… let’s just agree to stay off each other’s blogs. capisce?#i don’t like you and i know you don’t like me either. so seriously can we just coexist in separate circles or sth? stay away!!!!!!!!!!!#and like real question: if you are somehow here… why? just why? you made it clear that you don’t trust my tls so… why are you even here??#it’s getting kinda irritating to be told that you may/may not be making indirect posts @ me on main. seriously!!!!!!#i’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt (that it may be just a small coincidence) but it’s getting real hard to do so these days#so if you’re somehow reading these tags (and idk how bc we’re mutually blocked remember) please just… stay away?????????#in all seriousness i sincerely hope that this was just a few mere coincidences#bc lbr who would willingly check the blogs of people they’ve blocked without being prompted to? it makes no sense whatsoever#i hope that this will be the last post i make about this. bc seriouslyyyyyyy i don’t have the time for this nonsense </3#and before you accuse me of wanting to start discourse i’m not!!! i just!!!! want to be left alone!!!!!!!!!!!!#let me shitpost and occasionally tl in peace pls my bones are too aged for this
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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????
#i don't understand how they see this child thing#he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about#like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving#like the mother when she's not around#I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day#again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it#but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself#and to be left alone for 5 minutes#which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired#and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him#i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting#and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ#I'll never EVER have children btw#and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn#I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think#my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year#if they're lucky#again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week#bc then i go insane#sorry I'll prob delate this later#rant#i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little#like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault
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💯💯💯
Commenters are a writer’s lifeblood. We write for ourselves, we share not to feel so alone. Thank you to those of you who have made me feel less alone. 💚
Dude it is SO FUN and EXCITING to see a reoccurring reader. If you've commented a handful of times on an author's work, I guarantee that they recognize you. You can't imagine how many times I've excitedly informed my friends "the person with the funny cat image commented!" "- anon is back!!!!" and the friends've recognized who I was talking about because I talk about my commenters so often LOL. We love you all!!!
#everyone ignore this because I’ve had an edible in an attempt to get to sleep#but#do not be anonymous#if you’re anonymous to me because you’ve only ever left a like#I feel like I’m anonymous to you#the difference is#you’ve read something with my heart in it#you’ve read something that I’ve poured my hurt into#something that contains my pain my hopes my ‘maybe one day I’ll have a love like that and I hope you will too’#people have read all of that#humans with the same pain and hopes and wishes#have read all of that#and left a mere finger twitch in return#and made writers feel more alone#than if someone had done nothing at all#because it didn’t matter enough#I didn’t matter enough#I didn’t move you enough#I’m not good enough#and frankly that has me pretty fucked up lately#I will probably delete this in the morning#but that’s been on my mind
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"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(
#repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns#im not unsafe btw just. :^) scared :^)#tired.#starting to stop walking on eggshells kind of. in a cowardly way. like responding some of my real thoughts but at 4am#i want to scream. im not like that but i want to yell and tell her to leave me alone forever and i just want to be able to rest !#and to not be afraid. i want to move. i want to drop off the face of the earth. i want to go to bed. i want to stay awake and on guard.#idk. im tired. im so tired and i want it to stop. it's not even a big deal.#the thinly veiled insults bother me more than anything else. insult sandwich on compliment bread.#im so pretty im so stupid im so funny. im smart im too insecure im beautiful. im the most interesting person she knows im evil im talented#it's not even the worst thing it just pisses me off so much. do you think this is helpful to say? do you think this is normal?#do you think you'll get what you want insulting and belittling me as long as you tell me you think im attractive?#it's always how pretty i am. like some superficial bullshit is going to make up for an insult or make the insult disappear#and everyone else gets to leave but if i leave she'll die and it'll be all my fault and this is just like x y or z#and didnt i know she almost experienced trauma as a child but didnt? and how that effects her?#fuck. i hope she sees this tbh. how fucking insulting to see something someone's experienced and say that couldve maybe happened to me#but the person who couldve done it lives in another country and never came here.#what the fuck. what the fuck.#so it didnt happen to you? you cant lay claim to it at all? yet you think you understand me or that even if it did happen it's all the same#im going to lose my mind. im so. fucking. over it. but im a coward and i dont want her to die so ill grin and bear it.#and she'll tear out all my skin and ask if it's a little too much and ill say it's fine and she'll say im so gorgeous but i'm disgusting#but at least im kind. and ill say okay. because if i say anything else it's a threat on her fucking life.#tbh im only posting this now bc i know no one will likely read it. perpetual coward when it comes to this shit#because if i tell someone the full extent they'll ask why i didn't leave sooner. but i did!#i left and i got bombarded and overwhelmed and i was so tired of being scared of running into her everywhere#and i just. eased back in. and said it would be less this time. and it is so much more. it is so much worse.#ive lived in that fear before and i was so tired of it. it was a big reason i moved so far for college. and i cant just run away#so this seemed better. but it's so much worse. id rather hide every day of my life. keep an eye out everywhere and run away.#it wasnt so bad really. it was tedious and nauseating and i only ever explained it to one person. but it wasnt impossible.#this is much closer to impossible. this is soul crushing every day. and the things she does arent even as bad i dont think#it just doesnt stop. at least in high school i eventually got it to stop. i just had to be avoidant. this. wont stop.
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It's that time again
#hello friend#i dont remember the last time we talked#or rather you listened#i find myself in an odd situation#i keep having reoccuringdreams that feel like all the progress ive made has been for nothing#visions of past memories and also a future in which things stayed the same#things happening that could have happened but also would not happen#interactions with people long since past all in an effort to find some closure#i fear that this will forever mark me somehow and i will not be able to escape this#have i trapped myself? are the circumstances in my control?#to some extent i blieve they are but its so hard to force my mind one direction when it clearly has its own plans#i miss my friends so dearly#i miss what could have been#im currently on vacation and while i am having fun i cant help but feel half of a whole#i feel like i would enjoy this so much more if it were with a companion or someone i loved dearly#because promises were made long ago that never came to fruition#and now i am experiencing those things alone and feel as though ive robbed myself and her of these experiences#i find myself thinking about you once again and wondering when our paths will cross again#or if i even want that to happen#if i left for good would you turn and look?#time will tell#so many words and thoughts and not enough time to tell them all in a way thats coherent#a stream of consciousness that will find its path#i miss you#i miss all of you#i hope one day i can be at ease#everything will be okay because it has to be#this too shall pass
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