#but I heard a family member say recently that another family member is incapable of showing affection

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

it's so interesting to me that mental health and neurodivergence have long been interests of mine, and I've always looked at them from an "outside" perspective. not in a sense that I've looked down on them or thought they were "other" or anything like that, but I've just... always thought they were something I had no personal connection to? something that I had a mostly-academic interest in and no real ties to lived experience with.

but in the last few years, I've come to the slow realization that... I think mental health struggles and neurodivergence possibly run in (both sides of) my family?? and most of my extended family from previous generations would NEVER admit to it because they come from a time and culture where those things are kept very private and just not something you talk about. 

but like, I'm fairly certain that OCD runs through one side of my family. I know that tics/Tourette's do. I suspect that AD(H)D might as well. I also know there's at least one cousin who's already been diagnosed with autism, and I can see pretty clear autistic traits in multiple other family members on that same side of the family, including myself and my mother (some of the reasons I think this: I was speaking in full advanced sentences at about 18 months old, reading college-level literature at 8-9 years old, and at different points had to have sit-down conversations with my parents about needing to make a deliberate effort to make eye contact and refraining from "compulsively" talking about and comparing everything to a special interest. I was actually formally banned from talking about one media series I loved for a whole week, because it was literally all I talked about, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do at that point in my life. I struggled a lot with twitches/tics and repetitive behaviours when I was young; I still find it very easy to lapse back into those behaviours if I'm stressed or tired.) 

my mom has struggled with significant depression during various points of her life, as have I. at least one of my sisters has social anxiety; I suspect that my father does as well. I know one family member who likely has PTSD (due to experiences during military service) that's never been dealt with, and another (who was the victim of a violent crime) probably does, too.

and it's just... I've struggled to apply any of these labels to my own family because there's nothing official there. no doctors have assigned any titles or labels to us. I don't want to be the person who takes one college-level psych class and suddenly starts diagnosing everyone they know. but somehow, everything makes more sense when I start to look at the people around me, the ways they've been raised and have learned to operate in the world, and the ways that have in turn affected me, through these lenses? suddenly, we aren't just bizarre and dysfunctional, but our dysfunction has a rhyme and a reason.

and most importantly, I start to see hope. I see where the struggles and sins of my family members don't have to be repeated, where help can be asked for and received, because suddenly the real problems at the heart of all this mess have been uncovered, and instead of just trying to muscle through to prove my own worth, to show that I am worthy of a place in this world without needing any "special favours," I see where I can ask for grace and compassion and love and receive it.

[sigilsmut]

tumblr did not save my post and i forgot half the shit i spent 20min typing out so let’s try this again.

this year i want to encourage myself into being more active in posting about my ocs, art, writing and spreading more oc x canon propaganda LOL it started with jojo’s bizarre adventure and now recently one piece.

so now that i’m having another tism moment, please indulge me as i introduce the audience to my new oc Honeko Krueger !

Honeko is trans and can go by she/her or he/him. Although transmasc, she presents as feminine for the most part (i.e. wearing makeup and revealing clothes).

Honeko is a gunslinger in the One Piece universe. Known as the “Infernal Angel” and “Blackjack” in the criminal underworld, she’s a bit of a seductress in that she strings along the men of pirate crews, making them think she’s gonna sleep with and pillage islands with them, only to wipe them out and bleed them dry of all the treasure they’ve accumulated. She gained her first bounty of 69,000,000 berries after managing to singlehandedly demolish an entire marine ship and a pirate crew in a shootout called the Devil Town Shootout.

She ate the Kemo Kemo no Mi, or the Beast Beast Fruit. This fruit lets the user transform between human to Hellbeast whenever they see fit. It also allows Honeko to manipulate blood to an extent, mainly to feed off of it. The more blood is spilt, the more powerful she feels and the more dangerous she can be. It represents her ruthlessness and brutality in battle, yet she doesn’t like using it as much in fear of losing control as a beast. So she resorts to using it as a trump card instead.

On her island, she’s a part of the Krueger mob family, who are high-ranking members of the Devil Town mafia. Their base of operations (and family home) lies at the heart of the island, a bar and entertainment business. Her family preaches sword use and Devil Fruits over all else, deeming anything else like firearms as inferior. They pressured Honeko to become a proper swordswoman, for if she disgraced the Krueger family, she’ll become as useless as the pistols she so vehemently defends. But because Honeko’s a bit of a petty bitch, she trained herself to handle guns and plans to become the world’s deadliest gunslinger. Just to prove a point.

However, that’s not to say that she’s completely incapable of of using a sword period. The last time she used a katana blade was when she used it to kill her cheatin’ ass boyfriend. She pulled a Kill Bill (or a My Bloody Valentine, even) and carved out his heart to put on a literal silver platter. She may or not have taken a bite out of it. 

Since then, she only keeps two swords in her inventory, a rapier handed down to her from her mother and a katana sword. Although she doesn’t use these swords as much as Lacytanga, she keeps them nearby and uses them as a second option lest something happen to her revolvers (i.e. if they jam). The only other time she’ll use her swords is when she’s training with Zoro.

Lacytanga is based on the Wild Bill Hickok Revolver and is styled with a lacy, gothic appearance.

As a gunslinger her marksmanship borders on the supernatural and has the accuracy of a sniper, her shooting skills are quick enough to give you whiplash. She modified them herself and takes pride in being able to put together and augment her own weapons (something she bonds with Usopp over). If she’s gonna use weapons she wants them to be as boujee and cunty as she is ✨

As for her place in Luffy’s crew, she joined the Straw Hats after she fought an entire marine crew alongside him and Zoro and joined a little before Chopper. She was on the run from a marine ship while Luffy and his crew were docked at the edge of the island to hide from the same ship. The two heard of what she’s capable of and saw a wanted poster with her bounty on it, one that was higher than Luffy’s bounty of 30,000,000 berries, and wanted to see for themselves what kind of fighter she is. After being cornered by the marines, the three of them combined forces and wiped them all out.

Luffy was excited as shit after seeing how she handled them and asked her to join his crew. In her eyes, she saw this as an opportunity to chase her dreams with like-minded people and gain a (second) family, so she agreed. (Honeko x Zoro is a whole nother can of worms I will open later el oh el)

She’s more of a vigilante and has a reputation for being a cold-hearted woman, but to friends and family, she’s a sweetheart and funny as hell. overall Honeko’s just a bitchin’ gunslinger with the FATTEST of asses 🖤✨

[stormxpadme]

A little thing for @sneakymystique's birthday. Hope you enjoy it <3.

Thank you dear @effervescentdragon for last minute betaing even when I'm entirely incapable of doing something in time for once. Love ya lots!

"Hey, furball, thought we agreed about the off-limit parts of the house." When Scott spotted a sinewy, four-legged shape pass by his Honda, its stripe-shades blurring with the colors of his glasses which revealed which one of the two cats living at the Mutant High right now it was, he seriously considered for a moment if the interruption was even worth it, lifting his overtired body from that damn creeper.

Morpheus was probably just chasing some rodent anyway and would vanish in the stable again before Scott could even get to him. But sadly that little shit could never be trusted with not licking or chewing something definitely not meant for feline stomachs, and the last thing Katja needed right now was worrying about a family member ending up in the sick bay. Besides, the animal had stopped somewhere by the cars, hissing at something loudly, so the feeble attempt of at least an hour of undisturbed, dull work in silence could be filed as another failure.

"Alright, fleabag, that's e…" But then Scott forgot what he'd been about to say because when he straightened up from under his bike, turning to the vehicle in question, there was a woman lounging on the BMW's hood with crossed legs, far too scantily clad for a December night, chest thrown out, a playful smile on full lips that half a year or so ago, he might actually have fallen for.

"Have you tried talking meow?" By now, fortunately, Scott had more than enough experience with a certain hostile among his enemies posing as people close to him to not even need Morpheus' very clear warning – cats tended to have finer noses even than Logan, and Scott had never heard that damn pet hiss at Katja ever before. Not even the tired realization that for all her skill, such a broad Bavarian accent as in his partner's voice, Mystique still had problems copying a hundred percent. There was also the sober fact that the last time Katja had looked at him like that, with intentions in mind not exactly hard to guess, had also been months ago.

Which this woman should actually know best, thinking about it. Fortunately, she was wise enough not to try and provoke him any further when he raised his hand to his glasses, unfazed, more than ready to sacrifice his current favorite ride if it also stopped that fucking bitch from entering his home like she had a right. She quickly raised both hands, already changing back to her true, scaly, nude shape, as some kind of peace offering probably. Which after recent events felt cynical enough to get nauseous. "Easy there, One-Eye. I'm just here to talk. Not like I could have knocked, is it?" No, it wasn't. And there was also no way Mystique had come here in the shape of one of them, not with recent security updates aimed exactly at this woman's powerful mutation, including daily alternating voice verification at all gates.

But Scott decided he could look into that new defense gap once he'd gotten rid of his enemy, and preferably without the pupils realizing there was trouble in here again. "Full lockdown. Cat: Danger Room, now. Team: Garage." Ignoring Mystique's ridiculous claim, he tried to call the others in with the help of his watch but was faced only with a hectically blinking flash of error signals.

"Don’t bother. Jammer." Mystique casually tapped her wrist where there was a small bulge showing under flesh and skin, making it very clear that no help was coming for the moment unless Charles decided to actually open his nonstop-busy mind to his people again for a change, enough to get a mental distress call through to him.

Not that Scott would have minded on principal shooting right through that hand mockingly waving at him there but experience had taught him painfully enough how tedious and risky every attempt at close combat with this woman was. Not to mention that this bitch wasn’t worth it, making a mess of one of his favorite places in this house and the expensive things stored therein if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Listening to her bullshit for a minute would probably leave less of a headache. "We've got nothing to talk about unless you guys all spontaneously decided to turn yourselves in for various crimes against humanity."

Mystique's amused grin only grew. "So they can take us to whatever prison needs a facelift this time? Eventually, they'll run out of facilities. Sit. None of us is interested in fighting you guys right now."

"Could have fooled me." Scott crossed his arms in front of his body, with his fingertips never far from the edge of his glasses, shuddering demonstratively when Mystique nodded down on the hood next to her. "And no, thanks. I'll be busy enough sanitizing and recoating that E38 as it is, once you got your ugly backside off it."

"You weren’t so picky about my ass a couple of weeks ago," Mystique shot back but showed another peacemaking gesture at the dangerous flash behind his glasses; this time, it looked almost sincere. "Right. Things didn’t go so well in November. That's why I'm here. Magneto feels he owes you one after what happened. He's come up with something that will help remedy something from your past."

"I'm pretty sure the remains of your last attempt of this kind are still drying in a certain maintenance room in the sewers," Scott replied harshly, the temptation to lower his glasses just enough to leave a very lasting impression at least for a day or so on that woman's body growing by the second. "I think I've had my fill."

Whatever Magneto had sent her really for, now Mystique's willingness to play along nice was rapidly waning as well. "As much as I enjoy taking credit for disaster: Anderson was your fuck-up, Summers."

"And you people stuck a key in his back, wound him up, and gave him a stage, so maybe find something else but that high horse of yours to get your ass out of here." Which, preferably, should happen before he'd reach the end of consideration with regard to the pupils' night sleep and a few luxury vehicles.

"Not yet. I told you, Magneto is good at apologizing when he wants to." Under his only tenser gaze, Mystique turned another small swelling on her bare body, around her navel, into a hidden pouch and got out half a dozen identical devices hardly bigger than a coin, kindly wrapped in sterile plastic, that she put down next to her on the car. "Magneto reduced the effects of his reversal weapon to a low, constant setting and compressed it into these. They got an off-switch. You wear one of these, you can keep your quartz shields open until you actually need your blasts."

"I told your lover before, Darkholme, I don’t need his help." The growing headache throbbing behind his eyes didn’t exactly agree with Scott's instinctive refusal of something entirely out of the question, but that might more come from the fact that this woman was still sitting here, talking to him as if she hadn’t had an executive hand in almost getting his partner killed a few weeks ago. He'd seen the kind of partnerships the Brotherhood liked to enter from up close too often to even take a look at anything that would have put him within debt's reach of someone like Magneto of all people. "Besides, if you've got something to sell, I think Charles is still in his office. Lehnsherr hasn’t suddenly discovered charity ambitions. So why don’t you tell me what you really want from me so I can say no and blast you back to where you came from?"

"So rude …" Mystique finally got off the car, never giving that bag another look, and approached him with swinging hips, that ice-cold, unimpressed smile on her lips, as if he didn’t need to lower his glasses only an inch to rip that current shape of hers to pieces. By now he knew this woman's speed and agility well enough to know that wouldn’t have been as easy as she was trying to make it look; but if she was betting on some nebulous code of honor of Scott's kind preventing such a first attack on his part, she underestimated a lot what it could do to someone, being too late to protect a loved one. "It's not terribly complicated, Summers. We're only asking that we all put down our weapons for a while. Recent events showed that both sides can only lose if we don’t resolve that little disagreement of ours. Why don’t you take a couple of weeks off? From how your little sidekick looks, you two can use it. Enjoy that little gift of ours, take care of your family affairs, and keep your nose out of our business for a while. I promise you by the time you're back, you'll like this world a lot better."

"Get the fuck out of my house." It was an insultingly primitive deception, and if he'd had any more physical or mental energy reserves, Scott thought he might have tried harder to look behind it. But more strength than to get all his jobs at Mutant High done had been notoriously absent from his life ever since November. He simply couldn’t be bothered to care about the Brotherhood's delusional warmongering when his private life had just fallen to pieces around him. "I assume you'll find the way. If not Logan will be happy to show you."

"Oh, you two are on a talking basis again?" Mystique's bright eyes promptly lit up in sadistic delight. "What does Xavier have on the guy to still be able to keep him around? Or is it just that people around you have a habit of dying that makes life here so attractive for the feral? Maybe you'll actually find a way to relieve that rabid animal from its existence next ..."

"I'm gonna have to disappoint you on that, Darkholme," Scott answered tonelessly, the slight but undeniable shaking of his hand at this point no longer coming from that constant readiness to free his mutation from its cage. If that woman had learned anything about him in the last ten years, she should know that now was a really good time to shut her dirty mouth. "Unlike you people, we don’t kill for sports. But I can still make this a really unpleasant evening for you if you insist."

"Let's save it for next time you're being a pain in our ass." Faster than Scott could realize that there had been something else in that damn flesh pouch, his enemy jumped from his sight with a weightless spin, right hand aimed his way, a hated, well-known stinging sensation hitting him straight in the chest before he could make his shot, and the lights went out.

*****

Raven comfortably landed on all fours, a night-grey feline shape as easily having crossed the Institute wall as she'd climbed it to get in, and turned her body back into human shape, stretching her limbs with a little grimace, shaking a hint of fatigue from it. Compressing her silhouette into something that small and foreign in proportion and motion was a little more challenging than impersonating people even for her gift, but just for those few minutes of seeing one of her most enemies in such a miserable condition, the little trip had been worth it. "Lockdown is controllable by the mobile device they all got on them," she explained shortly after sitting down in the car Erik was waiting for her in around the corner. "Voice command. Shouldn’t be a problem. Team dynamics are even more fucked up than at Alkali Lake. And they think we're still after the blood source. They have no idea what's coming." Which didn’t mean those people wouldn’t be a problem once Erik and she launched the final phase of their current plans but they would be considerably easier to deal with than in the past. For that, in spite of all that psychopath had done, they almost had to be thankful to Anderson.

"We will see." Erik didn’t come up with optimism regarding his former people easily these days anymore either. All the more outrageous it was that he still was unwilling to give up on those halfwits. "Did you leave them the reversal chips?"

"Waste of good titanium and processing power," Raven growled, resting her feet on the dash to kick at it impatiently. "The boy's gonna blast them to pieces the moment he wakes up. You need to say goodbye to the idea that these people will ever be on our team."

"Not on our team, no." His thin lips tight, Magneto threw a quick glance back through the mirror at that mansion he'd said goodbye to all these decades ago but never really left. "But they will be part of that world we are creating, Raven. And in this world, we will not turn our back on any mutant, no matter how hostile. No more sacrifices."

Raven preferred to keep her mouth shut at that because Erik knew, this was a promise she couldn’t give anyway, not when her team and the X-Men would meet in battle again doubtlessly soon. But while she had never thought a lot of atonement herself: After the events last month, she was at least willing to give these people a little bit of a break until that happened.

[j-amespotter]

★ the last great american dynasty - s. b.

“i had a marvelous time ruining everything.” 

Pairing: Sirius Black x Muggle-born!Reader 

x. x. x.

Summary: A one-shot diving into Sirius’s complicated relationship with Grimmauld Place and where the Muggle-born he falls for fits in.

Genre/Warnings: angst, emotional abuse, alcohol, language, mentions of death & war 

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: so.. this is more of a character study on sirius & his dynamic with his family – i know this song is meant to be about a woman but it also screams sirius to me. i’m a sucker for romance so it’s a reader-insert. fun fact, i was almost done writing this when i realized i wanted it to be a wolfstar fic, but i was too lazy to change it, so just putting that out as a concept lol. let me know what you think & if you’d like me to tag you in future works!! 

masterlist

When Sirius first showed signs of his rebellious nature, Walburga wasn’t worried. After all, many children were incapable of sitting still in large gatherings, mouthing off to their parents, or incessantly teasing their younger siblings. “He will be kept in good company. He will learn,” Walburga would say to her husband. He often exasperated her, but there was no denying her immense pride. Despite his antics, even at a young age, Sirius displayed impressive magical ability and had a commanding presence – excellent qualities for the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. 

She worried only a little when he preferred to spend time with Andromeda, who was clearly becoming disillusioned with their family values, and Alphard, who Walburga believed was beginning to get a little too soft. Still, the Blacks were not raving lunatics. They were traditionalists, committed to upholding the high standards of Wizarding society. Sirius would not defy them, not when the weight of their bloodline rested on his shoulders, not when Regulus would never be able to stomach such responsibility.

On his first night at Hogwarts, Sirius didn't write home. It wasn’t until the morning after that Narcissa delivered the dreadful news to her mother. Walburga’s sister-in-law relished discussing this most recent embarrassment, as the family’s attention was now off her daughter’s courtship of a mudblood. Young Sirius, their direct heir, was sorted into the House of Muggle-lovers and blood traitors, into the House of Godric Gryffindor.

Blown apart by this development, Walburga turned to her younger son. She had no intention of repeating her mistakes and resolved to train him for the responsibility that should have belonged to her eldest. That way, if she was unable to correct Sirius’s behavior, she had back-up. Her legacy was secure. 

During every subsequent holiday, she noticed that the damage was getting more-and-more irreversible. Sirius unabashedly consorted with infamous blood traitors and pathetic half-bloods. He seemed to dread seeing his family as much as she dreaded seeing how much of him she had lost. She tried; no one could say she didn’t. But she was too stern with him. He had inherited his flexibility, or lack thereof, from her. She pushed him too far away. Soon, he stopped returning home for Christmas. When he was sixteen, she spat at him as he closed the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place one last time, without sparing her a final glance. 

He never expected he would have to return. Offering up the property to the Order seemed like a good idea at the time – he hardly put any thought into it. That was how he made most of his decisions. His track record certainly proved so. When Remus didn’t have anywhere to stay, and neither did the newly-reformed Order of the Phoenix, Sirius knew that his family estate in London was not just their most ideal option, but also the only one they had. 

He managed to enter undetected in his Animagus form with Remus. He had to hand it to fate – there were no extra security measures to keep him out. It was as if she anticipated his arrival. Swallowing, he absorbed his surroundings. Despite the eerie silence and decomposing furniture, it looked like an image straight from his memory. Sirius suddenly felt sixteen again. 

What he did not expect to see, however, was a currently-sleeping life-sized portrait of Walburga Black in the hallway. Though now in his human form, Sirius growled inadvertently. She knew. She always knew that he would come back. She wanted to be there when he did. Unbelievable, he thought to himself. 

Aware of Remus’s wary gaze on him, Sirius walked forward and began pulling on the frame. “Get off, you hag! Remus, help me get this off!” 

Remus went to join his old friend in what seemed like a fruitless mission in his mind but came to an abrupt halt when the portrait, disturbed by her son’s grunts, awoke in a flash of fury. “Filth! Scum! Abomination of my flesh! You are no son of mine,” portrait-Walburga hissed. 

“Shut up, just shut up!” He had not heard her voice since he was near a Dementor, reliving the worst of his teenage years. The visual made it much, much worse. 

“Permanent Sticking Charm, it seems…” Remus said to appease his friend, pulling the withering velvet curtains over its towering frame with all his strength.

“This is torture,” sighed Sirius. “Maybe we can find another place.” 

Remus refused to meet his eye. “For now, it is all we have, Sirius. If it was going to be a problem, you should not have offered it to Professor Dumbledore.” 

Sirius frowned. “It’s all I’m able to do this time around. It’s not like I can go around trailing Death Eaters and infiltrating the Ministry with everyone else.”

“Hopefully, it’s only temporary,” assured Remus, though he was equally as uncertain about Sirius’s fate as a fugitive. “Try not to let this place get into your head, okay?” 

Sirius Black was never good at keeping promises. He had three-and-a-half decades of evidence to back that up. In the weeks following, the Order settled in, consisting of many highly competent Aurors, half-a-dozen Weasleys, and an ex-Death Eater he could do without seeing. Sirius found himself never too far from alcohol, itching for more access. He longed to see Harry and to get away from his wretched house-elf, along with the constant, stinging reminder of his mother's existence. 

But there was something else inside of him, something he couldn’t describe. It was an emotion that was egging him on. He felt it inside of him every time Kreacher muttered complaints about wandering red-headed blood traitor brats. It swirled in his stomach when his mother shouted scathing insults at the clumsy half-blood and filthy half-breed that took temporary refuge in the former pure-blood paradise. 

Then she came. 

She was new. She worked at the Ministry; many of his houseguests were incredibly fond of her. He recognized the innocence in her eyes. It was the same innocence that he had when he first joined the Order seventeen years earlier. It was the same innocence that differentiated every new member from every returning one – they had yet to see tragedy in its fullest form. 

“Hello,” she greeted. She seemed strangely unperturbed by the fact that she was in the presence of an alleged mass murderer. “I’m (Y/N). I’ve been told this is your house. Thank you for playing host.”

“My pleasure,” responded Sirius. Involuntarily, he reached for her hand and kissed it. Suddenly, he became painfully aware of his hollowing cheeks, untamed hair, and liquor-infused breath.

She flushed slightly at the gesture. Black family habits die hard. Just because he chose to refrain from practicing them did not mean he had forgotten, nor did it mean that he wasn’t any good at them. 

Walburga Black’s portrait watched her son fall in love with her. Sirius watched her watch him. There was no telling how she would react. Regulus was dead – it was up to him to preserve their family’s name and purity.

(Y/N) was witty and flirty and incredibly intelligent. He found himself feeling a decade younger as he enjoyed their banter and her overall easiness. Before long, she kissed him in his dimly-lit pantry, and he was too selfish to stop her. They would kiss in every corner of the house, hardly caring that anyone was watching, ignoring the ghosts living within the walls. For Sirius, (Y/N) was his greatest act of defiance. She was born to non-magic parents. As narrated by a disgruntled Kreacher to his now-helpless mistress, she was nothing but a “filthy mudblood.” 

One night, weeks after the children departed for Hogwarts and the house was, as on most days, empty, he caught her staring at the Black family tapestry. Without making a sound, he inched behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Hello, beautiful,” he whispered, pressing a kiss on her shoulder. “Sickle for your thoughts?” 

She leaned into him. As the days went on, she would tire easily. Still, she found happiness in Sirius as he did with her, and they both were old enough to know to reach for it in any capacity they got. “It’s nothing. It’s stupid. Let’s get to bed.” 

“As much as I’m a fan of that idea,” he started with a smirk, “you look upset. Is it work? Fudge?” 

“No, nothing like that.” Her fingers traced his blasted name on the wall. She looked thoughtful. “I’ve just… noticed something about you.” 

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” 

“The way you look at your mother.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Well, it’s no secret that I hate her. I hope that’s not off-putting. You’ve seen what she’s like – it was worse when she was alive. I promise I’m a gentleman in general circumstances… for the most part,” he added cheekily. 

She smiled tightly. “No, I get it. It must be terrible for you, being back here.” 

“It is,” he affirmed. “I’ve got you, though. You make me happier than anything, love.” 

“That’s the thing,” she uttered as if it pained her. Sirius could stare at her fiery expression for days on end. To be on the receiving end was strange. “I can’t help but think that you’re only in love with me to spite her. Like your feelings aren’t love, they’re just a culmination of your hatred for her.” 

It took Sirius an eternity to process what she just said. Realizing that he was not going to say anything, she continued. “Believe me, I know you hate it here. But at the same time, you look so… satisfied. You’re hosting a bunch of blood traitors, half-bloods, and a werewolf in this place that was once the pinnacle of blood purity. You’re providing a haven against the bloody Dark Lord. And worst of all, you’re with a mudblood.” 

“Don’t call yourself that,” interrupted Sirius harshly. 

“It’s the truth. If you weren’t in this position, would we even be together?” 

“Of course,” said Sirius. To answer this question, he didn’t even have to think. “I love you because you’re you. You’re beautiful and smart and make me laugh until my stomach hurts. You’re so good with Harry and you can put anyone in their place. You make me feel new again… God, that’s fucking sappy, but it’s true. I indeed hate this place and I hate her but… but if I let her dictate my choices, even when she’s bloody dead, then she’s won. I don’t want her to win. If I was only with you for your blood status, then I would be no different from my mother.” 

She stared up at him, her eyes betraying a wave of emotions. She reached up to kiss him, tangling her fingers in his hair. “Thank you for saying all of that. Just hold on for a little while, alright? Soon, we’ll be out of here. We can have our own house – you, me, and Harry.” 

He smiled at her sadly. It seemed too unreachable of a goal to him at the moment. “By the beach?” “Wherever you’d like,” she answered, leading him to his bedroom, his only sanctuary in the horrible house. 

As they made their way towards the stairs, Sirius glanced at the tapestry over his shoulder, at the seven generations of Blacks behind him. He gently squeezed (Y/N)’s hand. For the first time in his entire life, he felt the weight of carrying his name lift off him. He’d done his part to corrupt his bloodline. It was time for Sirius to focus on himself in a way that the shadows of his past never allowed him to, even in his schoolboy days with James. Being a Black was a part of who he was, and even a disowned Black deserved his long-overdue happiness.

Tagging: @strawberriesonsummer​

[rapeculturerealities]

Before giving birth, check that your family has sufficient toilet paper. Prepare ready-made meals for your husband, who surely “is not good at cooking.” Tie up your hair, “so that you don’t look disheveled” even as you go without a bath. And after the baby arrives, keep a “small-size” dress in sight — you’ll need motivation not to take that extra bite.

These words of advice, offered to pregnant women by the authorities in Seoul, have created a backlash in South Korea, where the government can ill afford to fumble as it desperately tries to compel women to have more babies and reverse the world’s lowest birthrate.

The pregnancy guidelines were first published on a government website in 2019. But they caught the attention of the public only in recent days, causing an outcry on social media, where people said they reflected outmoded views that persist in segments of the deeply patriarchal society and petitioned for their removal.

Yong Hye-in, an activist and politician, said that under the guidelines, a woman’s child-rearing responsibilities were doubled by having to care for her husband too. A better tactic for those married to men incapable of doing things like throwing away rotting food, Ms. Yong wrote on Twitter, would be divorce.

Experts called the government’s advice a missed opportunity. “I think it is written by someone who never gave birth,” said Dr. Kim Jae-yean, chairman of the Korean Association of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. He added that the government should have provided practical advice on issues like breastfeeding.

A petition started online last week, which has been signed by more than 21,000 people, called for a public apology from officials, as well as disciplinary action against those who released the guidelines.

In an email to The New York Times, the public health division of the Seoul city government said it felt “responsible for not reviewing and monitoring the contents, approved at the time, thoroughly and closely.” It said it would review its online content, and improve gender sensitivity training for all municipal employees.

While the most offensive parts of the guidelines have been removed, some of the advice remains online, and screenshots of the original text continue to circulate on social media.

“Why are we looking for the cause of the low birthrate from far away? It’s right here,” wrote one person on Twitter. Another said women were infuriated by the rules: “Who made this guideline? There are lots of things to be corrected.”

Some lawmakers criticized the messaging as damaging for South Korea’s reputation.

“It is awkward that the anachronistic admonition on how pregnant women should serve their families is still being distributed,” Woo Sang-ho, a lawmaker of the governing Democratic Party, wrote on Facebook last week, before the guidelines were removed.

Others, however, said the online criticism went too far.

“I don’t think it’s that ridiculous to suggest women prepare food and the house,” said Kyung Jin Kim, 42, a former lawyer based in Seoul, who recently left her career to start a family. But she said the guidelines could have been more useful “if the tone were not so like a middle-aged Korean guy or an old Korean mother-in-law.”

Under the recommendations, women were advised to check their household essentials so that their family members would “not be uncomfortable.” They were also urged to clean out the fridge, prepare meals and find someone to care for their other children.

The advice made no mention of any responsibilities for husbands. But it did have some suggestions for how to remain attractive to them.

“Hang the clothes you wore before your marriage or small-size clothes you would like to wear after childbirth by putting one in a place you can easily see,” the original text from the site read. It added that “when you feel like you would like to eat more than you need to, or skip exercising, you get motivated by looking at the clothes.”

Though South Korea has become an economic and cultural powerhouse, many women still experience misogyny in very practical terms.

According to a 2017 report by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, the gender pay gap in South Korea is the highest among its 37 member countries. Working women earn nearly 40 percent less than men, and many stop working when they have children, often pressured by their families and workplaces.

Other countries in the region, including Japan — which also has an aging population and a low birthrate — have broad gender disparities, especially in relation to pregnancy. In Japan, the term “matahara” (short for maternity harassment) caught on when a woman’s claims of workplace bullying after she gave birth were heard in the country’s Supreme Court in 2014.

These declining populations pose a threat to the countries’ economies, making it all the more important that governments tread carefully in incentivizing women to have children.

Last year, South Korea’s population declined for the first time on record, dropping by nearly 21,000. Births fell by more than 10.5 percent, and deaths rose by 3 percent. The Ministry of Interior and Safety acknowledged the alarming implications, saying that “amid the rapidly declining birthrate, the government needs to undertake fundamental changes to its relevant policies.”

Though the Seoul government may have fumbled in its advice, the backlash, some said, proved that attitudes were changing.

“This is just outdated advice,” said Adele Vitale, a birth doula and Italian expatriate who has lived in Busan, a port city on the country’s southeast coast, for a decade.

Ms. Vitale, who works primarily with foreign women married to Korean men, said that though Korean society had traditionally perceived pregnant women as “incapacitated,” she had increasingly seen their husbands adopting more egalitarian views toward childbirth and child rearing.

“Family dynamics have been evolving,” she said. “Women are no longer willing to be treated this way.”

[useless-catalanfacts]

Hi! What’s happening in Spain and Catalan right now?? I’ve heard Vox is trying to limit or remove Catalan from certain cities/regions. Is that true? Is there anything that can be done to counteract them? Una abraçada molt forta!

A lot of things are happening (most of the attention right now is on the people who are going to trial these days for having taken part in demonstrations or general strikes) but on the language part, yes what you’re referring to is how Vox and PP are proposing motions in different Valencian city halls to ban the use of Valencian-Catalan* language in schools of that city, most recently in Alacant (one of the three province capital cities, so an important city). Here’s a newspaper article about it (in Valencian-Catalan).

Luckily, in the end more parties voted against it (Compromís as was expected, and also Unides Podem and PSPV) so the law technically keeps Valencian to be used in public schools. However, this is a tricky matter because even if the law says that class should be given in the native language of the city/country (that is, in Valencian), it does not happen in reality. Most classes in the Valencian Country are given in Spanish, especially in bigger cities. For example, in the capital city (València), only 2 out of every 10 seats offered in schools use Valencian as the language of teaching, while the remaining 8 out of 10 use Spanish (source).

At the same time, the Supreme Court of Spain has reduced the number of hours that can be taught in the Catalan languages in the schools of Catalonia. These legal actions proposed by Catalanophobic far right-wing groups and enabled by all the powers of the Spanish State are targeting all the Catalan-speaking territories.

This legal debate on whether the local language should be used or only Spanish can be used in education has to be understood in context. We are in a situation of language emergency, when our language is quickly declining in use as a result of the imposition of Spanish in many settings and because we have internalized the idea that our language is somehow worse and useless. The results of these changes in legislation will be to reinforce the ideas that Spanish fascism and other forms of Spanish cultural-linguistic imperialism have been spreading for centuries, mainly that the languages that Spanish wants to replace (Catalan-Valencian, Aranese Occitan, Galician, Basque, Asturian-Leonese, Aragonese) are not fit for academic purposes or for the modern world. Their belief is that there are “inferior languages” (such as ours) that are incapable of the same things as the “superior languages” (Spanish, English, French, etc). This is why education has been an important linguistic battle field, because through it we can prove that we can talk about science, philosophy, language, maths, technology, or anything we need in our language. Because languages are not inferior or superior, same way their peoples are not inferior nor superior.

School also remains (theoretically) one of the few places where children from families who don’t speak Catalan at home will learn Catalan. Because, while children from Catalan-speaking families will learn Spanish anyway because it’s all around, the opposite often doesn’t happen. That is why we consider public education one of the pillars of language survival, especially in societies that receive quite a lot of immigration as we do, because otherwise the speakers become isolated and have to change to using Spanish.

It’s also worth saying that the Spanish media (including the public media payed with our taxes) have been paving the way for legal restrictions and social disdain against the languages of national minorities but especially Catalan-Valencian. All the time there are “debates” where Spanish people argue about how bad Catalans are and how the Catalan language is a threat to Spanish (yes, according to these people a language with 10 million speakers, most of whom don’t even use the language in their everyday lives, is a threat to a language with 586 million speakers and with as much political and economical power as Spanish). All the time they bring “witnesses” to explain their horrible experiences with a Catalan-speaker who was so incredibly rude as to, oh horror, speak to them in Catalan and expect them to understand. Recently these ~horror stories~ have been getting more extreme, with Spanish people claiming that they were once threatened for not speaking Catalan and things like this. (Oh boy, if I had to list every time I have been threatened for speaking Catalan and not Spanish! especially on the internet... if we are to get in this competition there is no doubt on who would win, but they will never give a platform for us to explain what our communities face). Unsurprisingly, many of these “witnesses” don’t even live/study where they claim they do, many are members of fascist associations like SCC and the media doesn’t mention that, and many have been found giving contrary witness in different TV channels. For example, I remember the case of a girl named Julia who said on Antena3 she was a young university student in Catalonia who was threatened for not being pro-independence and the next week she said on another program that she has graduated from two majors and now she works and other details of her life where too different. This girl also said she is apolitical, but if you look her up you can see she is a member of the fascist organization SCC, and you can even see her wearing a SCC wristband in the interviews on TV. Or when they pretend to interview random people on the street and they have been carefully chosen. For example, once the same channel (A3) interviewed a woman who they said was a tourist complaining that the city signs of València were written in Valencian and how she couldn’t understand anything and that would lead to traffic accidents, but people recognised her as a journalist who had worked in the Valencian TV and spoke Valencian (here’s a video of her doing both things).

So people who live in Spain and get their news from these manipulative sources will think this is what happens, and are more likely to vote and support parties who make Catalanophobia (and discrimination of other national minorities) one of their main talking points. That’s how the fascist party Vox has gained so much support and won seats in elections recently.

I would say that what can be done to counteract them is to stop spreading the lies of the Spanish media that is owned by the big businesses (Antena3, LaSexta, etc) and the Spanish government, and instead switch to Spanish journalism that does an honest job (for example, Público newspaper); not vote for right-wingers; encourage people to continue to speak their language; help make entertainment and everyday-life activities available in Catalan (for example, ask for Instagram to translate the app, Disney+ and Netflix to add the option to see the Catalan dub/subtitles that have already been made, etc), and of course attend protests.

Thank you for your interest!

(*Note to make sure everything is clear: “Valencian” and “Catalan” are two names for the same language. The word “Valencian” is just how the Catalan language is called by speakers from the Valencian Country, while the term “Catalan” is traditionally used by the speakers from Catalonia, Andorra, the Balearic Islands, la Franja and l’Alguer. It’s equally correct to use both words and they mean the same).

[insufferablelust]

Hi, I hope you're having a great day! I was wondering if you could write something for Hotch where the reader is one of the younger members and he always wants to protect her. She messes up on a case and Strauss yells at her and she ends up crying and Hotch takes care of her. Thank you so much, and it is okay if you don't want to write it!

Hi! i’m so sorry it took me awhile to write your piece but i hope this is worth it! and i also changed it a bit so i hope you don’t mind, but if you have any specific ideas just let me know! anyways thank you so much for requesting and waiting! much love!

This is an Aaron Hotchner x SA!Reader Blurb.

Warnings : Fluffs, angst, Mean!Strauss, Hotch is like your caregiver in a professional way like he guides you through the cases and help you etc because you’re new and young, Mention of Guns, Blood, Supportive!BAU, Mental disorder, and Abductions.

this blurb also have a special meaning to me since i’m diagnosed with the same Disorder the unsub has in this so i’m sorry if the descriptions are a bit too detailed. i still hope you like it and give me feedbacks or constructive criticisms thank you for reading❤️

———————

Being the youngest in every field has its own disadvantages, when you were at school, being the youngest would get you picked at, but you shut them up quickly with your bravery. When you were in college, most people doubted you even your professors, but you also managed to make them stare in awe when you became the top student of your criminal psychology class. When you were training in the academy, many underestimate you, but again— you came out on top, trainee with the highest score amongst others. So you never thought about being the youngest much,

No, not until you actually work— by work i mean becoming a part of BAU, Special Agent Y/n Y/l/n. It was easy at first, you received such a warm welcome from your new teammates that you already thought that this is going to be easy enough. The first time you met them were at the bullpen, they were all lounging and talking about a recent case as you stepped in nervously yet you put a stern smile. The first person who approached you was the wonderful Miss Penelope Garcia, who happens to be your friend, and then you shook hands with David Rossi, Jennifer Jareau, Aaron Hotchner, Dr. Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss, and got a flirty remark from none other than Derek Morgan— who you scoffed at and said “not going to work on me pal, Garcia has told me aaaall about it” which drew laughter.

Your assignments were quite easy at first, you were always the one to be confident, top of your class and all— so on your first day you got your first assignment with the team, a case in Virginia. You were told to follow Agent Hotchner, and you have to be honest that it couldn’t be any more easier for you. He showed you the ropes, how to analyze certain behaviors, even let you interview the family alone. He made you feel safe and comfortable to do this job, and you couldn’t be more grateful.

Now that you’ve gotten to several cases, you’ve felt like you earned your place here, not just as the new girl, but a profiler, an agent, and you couldn’t be more prouder— and you can’t help but to thank Aaron for it, he always guides you through all the horrible things that you just feel content to work on cases with him. Your teammates joked about it sometimes, saying how close you two have gotten, they noticed how Hotch never raised his voice with you, not once, it’s either you’re that good or as Prentiss likes to call it “He has a soft spot for you (Y/n)”

But not all paths are smooth paths, it was sunday afternoon, you were lounging with Emily, Garcia, and Sergio when you heard the call coming from Garcia’s phone. Upon seeing “HOTCHER” as the called id, you and Prentiss sigh deeply before preparing your go bag not even bothering for Garcia to finish the phone call.

Turns out it was a child abduction case, and the first thing to note about this is that time is of the essence and every second counts. The first abduction started in Virginia a month ago, where it was handled by the local police— but then the same type of M.O and Victimology appeared in some abduction cases all over the country, the most recent one is Los Angeles. So off to LA you goes with the team, only thing different this time is that JJ and Hotch was staying behind to talk to the police in Virginia—it’s your first ever case without his guidance and you haven’t decided if you like it or hate it.

———————————

12 hours into the abduction, and Y/n has messed up bad, bad enough that it put her own life in jeopardy. Y/n had gone to follow a lead, that she received from the hotline tip, she debated at first.. on telling the others about the call she received, all her training would told her to tell someone, you can’t go alone but the caller insist that you go alone. Something about this man is not right, you can feel it in your guts. But you know that if you were about to tell the others- they wouldn’t let you pursue, not because you’re incapable but because its not right to go alone, but you took the risk to save these children— the caller did mentioned you only have 10 minutes to drive to his address and if you don’t show up alone, the children will be killed— and you can’t let that happen. So you told the tip responder that you have told your team and that you’re under pursue before sprinting out of the LAPD.

When the team realized that Y/n was gone, it was an hour after she actually left. The second they found out about her whereabouts, they rushed to the location— already hoping that you and the kids are still alive. To their relief, you were found alive, but you were tied to a chair, face bloodied and its clear that you took some harsh beating. The unsub was holding one of the child, threatening to kill him.

He was a man who has Abandonment issues with severe borderline personality disorder, the reason why he abducts children is because he hated his childhood— he hated himself for being a fuck up, so he took the perfect children according to his judgment and kept them— it’s masochistic, he kept them as a reminder for himself of how worthless he is.

“Put the gun down, and let the boy go” Morgan’s voice rang through the abandoned building, causing the unsub to panic and move backwards “No! stay there! c-come any closer and i’ll blow his perfect fucking face off” He snarled, before you gained all the energy you have left and speak up,

“Adam, let him go please. I know how you feel, and let me show you that you are none of those things your mind is telling you. You’re not worthless and you deserve to be loved, a- a mother’s love.. don’t you missed it? Come here, i- i can give it to you” You coughed up blood as your vision gets blurry, The team gasped as the unsub let the boy go.. all of them and kneeled next to you, gun still in hand as he untied you, then lay his head on your thighs. Your fingers shakily move, to ran through his hair, and inching to get the gun from here.

“Shh, shh Mama’s here, give me the toy.. I’ll let you play w-with it later” You said holding back the tears as he slowly handed you the loaded gun before you tossed it and the team cuffed him.

You cried hard as you fell to your knees on the floor, the last thing you heard was Prentiss’s voice calling for medic and then you black out.

——————-

Its been a few days after the incident, you’re on your way back to Quantico. Some of the bruisings are gone but there are some scars that will be there forever, and honestly you don’t worry about it all— the only thing you worry about is what your superior is going to do with you. You knew you messed up bad and it doesn’t matter that you are the reason that those kids are free, you should’ve told your team. When Emily asked you why, you said it’s just gut feeling em. And when Spencer asked you how’d you know?

you told him, that The unsub told you about his young mother, the same exact age as your age, your hair color, and around your height. Thats why he wanted you to come, and the pieces clicked, All of the hesitancy to kill, He liked the pain, not inflicting it to others if not necessary but to himself. That’s how you know. Your answer seemed to please the young doctor as he smiled and whispered a small “Great job, Agent.”

All of them were understanding on why you did it, except Morgan because he’s like your big brother but he did said something along the lines of “You’re a damn good profiler but you’re still stupid” but the worst had to come from your superior; Erin Strauss.

As soon as you landed in Quantico, Hotch was there waiting for you, then escort you to his room, where Strauss was there also. You were nervous not because you’re wrong but because you knew you could’ve done better and it’s against the regulations.

Hotch had said to you during a phone call that he “understands why you did what you did but it certainly doesnt justify it.” The way he spoke those words calmed you down up until now.. standing in front of Strauss herself.

“Agent Y/n, sit down.” You sat down in front of her with Hotch leaning against his desk, you put on a smile as you keep eye contact with her, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling fine, Ma’am. Thank you for asking—i’ve completed the psych evals too and-“

“What you did was reckless and stupid, Agent. You put your own life in danger as well as your teammates. You let your own ambition to lead you into this mess—“

Taken aback at her words, you quickly replied, “Excuse me Ma’am, with all due respect i never have any intention other than saving the boys from the unsub. So i don’t understand how my ‘ambition’ led me.”

“Agent, you will not interrupt me. Must i remind you that you’re an intelligent, bright, and exceptionally young with a lot of great potentials but let me ask you this, Are you too immature that your ambition on becoming the one who caught the unsub is your top priority? The Director agreed that maybe you should take another year of training to successfully complete mature so you dont make mistakes like this.” and at that your eyes brimmed with tears, How could she? how could she compared your age to how you do your job? You were trying to save the kids and you did. Your age has no connection to any of this and certainly not to your abilities. You were about to say something when Hotch stand and put a finger up signaling you to hold it.

“Ma’am I know what Y/n did is incredibly reckless but she only did that because the unsub specifically asked for her— she reminded him of his young mother, their features are the same. Agent Y/n, does know the regulations and protocols, and she knows that if she tells anyone the risk of those boys dying is greater than any other. So with all due respect Ma’am, As her direct superior in this case, i’m asking you to back up and let me handle her penalty according to my professional judgment as someone who has seen her incredible work and sacrifices.” His voice is loud, ringing on your ears like you’re the only thing that mattered. It left you speechless as he give you the tissue box and then waiting for Erin’s reply.

To your surprise she didn’t say anything before leaving his office. You broke down once again, gasping for air as you feel the pain now, the ache on your shoulder and wrists, the dull pain on your face, the cuts and bruises on your stomach. You are exhausted, and It seemed that Hotch knows it too.

He sit besides you as he gently placed your head on his shoulder, so you can cry with a shoulder to support you. You were so exhausted, that you dont even care if this is breaking any rules or protocols. You just want to save people, you just want to be with your team.

“She won’t do anything, I promise you that ill protect and guides you, so hang onto my words.” He said, rubbing the back of your neck and shoulders as you let out tiny gasps, trying to form a sentence.

“T-thank- y-you, Aaron.” is the only thing you managed to speak before the exhaustion wipes you out, the last thing you heard was his voice, “Anytime Y/n, Sleep well.”

——————

Feel free to send me blurb ideas! give this a like and reblog, thank you!

[phandom-against-onision]

You have probably already informed yourself, but here is a masterlist anyway.

MAJOR CONTENT WARNINGS: BLACKFACE, SLURS, RACIST COMMENTS, CHILD PREDATORY COMMENTS, NSFW CONTENT, BEASTIALITY, TRANSPHOBIA, MISHANDLING OF MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, OUTING AND MORE! PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Shane Dawson has been shown to mock black people on several occasions, saying the n word, doing blackface and creating stereotypical recurring characters.

When beginning on YouTube, Shane had a character called “Shanaynay” who was supposed to be a “ghetto-white girl”. When playing her, Shane often used ghetto stereotypes. She was a recurring character from 2008-2011. Although he has long stopped playing this character, he was continuing to sell the merch and profit off his racism as recently as last year!

He has also done blackface in his character skits, and said the n word as Shanaynay. On one of these occasions, he called an actual black woman a “n*gga bitch monkey woman”. Watch the full video for all occasions.

Here are some additional comments on this matter.

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Shane Dawson has acted inappropriately with and around minors for a long time.

He has probably done this even more than his blackface, and that’s saying something.

This clip, which went around last year, contains him calling a 6-year-old child sexy and admitting to googling CP. This is from his Shane and Friends podcast, which contains a lot of explicit clips.

He has also asked his teenage fan to “show herself” and “shut up and twerk”. This is from 3:55 - 4:29 in this video.

One of the instances really going around on Twitter at the moment is him pretending to jerk off to a picture of the then-11 year old Willow Smith.

A reminder that her family has not forgiven him, so neither should you!

Honestly, there are way too many occasions of this. Please check out this Twitter thread which lists a lot of times he has made inappropriate comments and did inappropriate things.

Another very distasteful thing he has done is claim to solve the murder of an actual six-year-old child, profiting off “speaking” to her spirit.

-

Shane Dawson has joked about bestiality on camera multiple times.

This is just straight-up weird. It went around a lot last year, but in case you’ve forgotten, here is a playlist of a few clips. He also rubbed his face in his dog’s crotch but I can’t find a direct video of that by itself.

-

Shane Dawson is transphobic as hell.

Watch this full video for the details where he uses trans as an insult and says tr*nny while knowing it is a derogatory term.

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Shane Dawson has promoted and supported terrible people and channels.

This has been a long-time criticism of his viral documentary series, but it is still important to remember.

Let’s start with the problems with this in chronological order. 

His first viral documentary series was The Truth about Tanacon.

Tanacon, to begin with, had several issues. Despite big dreams, it failed spectacularly due to lack of organisation and preparation before the event. There were many last minute changes and it generally lacked several necessities in events. Some issues were disorganised registrations, reserved meet and greets that didn’t go through the system, clashings with VidCon (a bigger event), inappropriate content creators, adversied content creators that didn’t appear, condoms in the goodie bag, lies about free tickets, no food, no room for anything, one hallway, lack of regulation in wristbands, underestimation of guests, overly expensive merch, no cooling system, no fire solutions (meaning they kicked everyone out) and it goes on. 

Despite actual people suffering due to the incompetency of Tana, Shane made her out to be an innocent martyr. This gets even worse as you realise than Tana has been exposed for several racist comments throughout her YouTube career.

Shane is clearly shown to be a terrible interviewer, presenting more as a friend than someone who is willing to find the “truth” of Tanacon. Instead of learning about Tanacon from an unbiased journalist, we get an obscured version of what happened, engineered to sympathise with Tana instead of her admitting to her mistakes.

Yet, this somehow was only the beginning of the problems with the documentary series, as the next one was with Jeffree Starr.

I don’t even know where to begin with the problems with this.

Firstly, Jeffree is perhaps the most problematic YouTuber who is still popular on the website. He has been exposed as racist, sexist, supporting of rapists, terrible to fans, transphobic, ableist, fatphobic, homophobic, insensitive to suicidal people, sexualising of minors, fascist and violent. Check out this thread here for the full details and proof of these claims.

Shane is not stupid. He is aware of these controversies, but has continued to support Jeffree. When a fan called him out, he was extremely rude and was very mad, and supporting all the hate the fan was getting.

The entire documentary series is about him befriending Jeffree, and making him out to be a good person. 

Jeffree should NOT be given a positive platform like this, and he should NOT be continuing to get away with being “cancelled”. So many other YouTubers have been “cancelled” for lesser things, yet Jeffree manages to always get away with it.

The next documentary series was the Jake Paul series. This is perhaps his most controversial documentary series.

Shane is not a therapist, a psychiatrist or a mental health professional. Even though he did consult some people, they are not allowed to diagnose people based on suspicions and videos. Yet, throughout the entire series, he calls Jake Paul a sociopath, and using that label to justify everything he has done.

Jake and Logan have both stirred up some of the biggest controversies on the platform, yet Shane gave them the ability to thrive. Like he did with Tana and Jeffree, he humanised him and edited it to the audience would sympathise with Jake. He has been exposed to scam his young fans, been rude to his neighbours and cast members, made light of serious disorders like anxiety, saying the n word and doing several things for clout, such as “marrying” Tana Mongeau.

As addressed in the documentary series, Alissa Violet, Jake’s ex-girlfriend, has shared her stories of physical abuse in the Team 10 mansion in private life, yet Shane did not fully address this or even mention this to Jake in the episode after. This further proves that Shane is incapable of running a documentary series with such deep themes as he will gloss over them or not address them properly.

This issue is further seen in his documentary with Eugenia Cooney.

A warning that I have not actually seen this as I have heard it contains triggering subject material which I do not wish to subject myself to in interests for my personal mental health - I am only going off the statements of experts and viewers.

In theory, this documentary could have been brilliant. After all, it is two people who have gone/is going through eating disorders and discussing it. However, experts have said that this could be harmful and it is easy to see why.

As much as I do not like Shane, I, and experts, do believe that he had good intentions behind this documentary. However, it probably would have been better if they consulted an expert regularly throughout the documentary when handling a touchy subject. After all, many of Shane’s viewers are young and/or influential, and a correct portrayal of a subject which is terrifying and real to many people watching is very important.

Here is an excerpt from this article about how he handled this:

Other fans were concerned with Cooney's safety, given that she referred to having an eating disorder in the past tense, signaling that she may not be considering further treatment.

"She certainly looks like she is physically healthier, but mentally she still seems like she's struggling a lot and she tries to cover it with her overwhelming positivity," another comment on the video says.

Experts who spoke with INSIDER — and who have not personally treated Cooney — are wary of considering Cooney's treatment a success story.

"When we are in the midst of our eating disorder we are very, very good at wearing masks. We're very good at playing a role that is very convincing and wants to let people know that we're okay," Chevese Turner, the Chief Strategy & Policy Officer for the National Eating Disorders Association, told INSIDER."A month of treatment is just barely scratching the surface of the road to recovery. While she put on a good face and was very chipper and cheerful, I'm not convinced that's what's going on inside. How do any of us know for sure?"

While both experts told INSIDER they believe Dawson had good intentions, they also expressed numerous concerns with the way the video presented the reality of eating disorders, and Cooney's recovery in particular. Turner says having Cooney share her story could be very cathartic, but she worries how much of her appearance was intended to resurrect or preserve her career."What's essentially happening is that people are bullying her online for her looks and her body and that does have an impact, it impacts all of us when that happens. For someone with an eating disorder, the impact can be devastating. I think [Dawson is] trying to help in his own way, but probably the thing that would help the most is her having more time in recovery," Turner said.

"I don't want to speculate, but obviously her success on YouTube is a driving factor to get back to work. None of us know if she's fully capable for that work and I would want to believe that the people around her who care about her most are confident that she can handle it," she continued. "I hope that they'll encourage her to take a break."

Overall, it has been shown that Shane is unfit to handle a documentary series with his evidently extremely biased views, and he should consult more professionals when editing. Although many people would argue that he has good intentions, it is possible to have good intentions while being irresponsible. Shane is aware of his large audience, and his influence over people around the globe. He should be more careful when creating a video with strong themes which many viewers may be suffering through or offended by. 

Either than his documentary series, Shane is also friends with other problematic people outside it - most infamously, Trisha Paytas. 

Trisha Paytas’ brand has become being extremely controversial. However, this doesn’t excuse that she has done and should not normalise her behaviours. She has been proved to be very transphobic and homophobic, as well as racist, ableist, abusive and insensitive to people with mental illnesses and disorders, notably DID. She lives to stir up drama on YouTube and more recently, TikTok. Despite being aware of this, Shane has continued to be close friends with her and excusing what she does because she’s just Trisha.

He has also openly supported far-right people on Twitter, giving harmful conspiracies a platform on his channel.

-

Shane Dawson has contributed to destroying growing/popular channels.

When 20-year-old growing YouTuber Bobby Burns released a video giving valid criticism to Shane Dawson, Shane featured him on his channel and pushed him as a heater.

This was not a thing which only happened once. Shane decided to continue to feature him on his channel, branding him as a hater. However, Shane’s dedicated fanbase did not like this and began to send hate to Bobby. Due to the lack of popularity, Shane stopped interacting with Bobby and didn’t feature him in any more videos without attempting to “save his career” like he has done with so many other people.

That is not to say that Bobby is faultless. I am not that familiar with his content, but I have heard that he did contribute to his channel’s demise, which makes sense. However, as a huge content creator, it was irresponsible of Shane to take a growing channel and brand him as a negative hater. He is aware of his audience, and that is important to remember. When he has such a large fanbase, he needs to be more careful with the videos he is showing them, and the characterisations of YouTubers.

However, what Shane is going under fire most recently is his involvement in the James Charles scandal last year.

Despite denial, Shane has been proved to play an important role in the “cancelling” of James last year, encouraging Tati to upload the video and making false accusations of predatory behaviour. This was highly likely done to degrade a competitor’s palette so his collaboration with Jeffree would be more successful.

Recently, he posted these screenshots on Twitter and then deleted the Tweet.

This proves his blatant immaturity. Somehow, James, the youngest of the four YouTubers involved in the scandal, has grown up the most. Shane was a part of the downfall of James, causing him to debate suicide. His defence for this was saying that he “needed to be served a slice of humble pie the size of the fucking Empire State Building”.

James Charles is not faultless, and he should not be made out to be an angel or a martyr in this situation. However, no one deserves to have suicidal thoughts, and anyone who defends this by saying that it was the humbling he needed is disgusting.

-

Shane Dawson attempted to out Dan and Phil for views and clout.

As a bisexual man who has opened up about his fear of being outed when he was closeted, he should be ashamed of everything he did to Dan and Phil.

Like many YouTubers at the time, Shane used the Phandom to get views and subscribers. In doing this, he objectified and sexualised Dan to his young and influential audience. Check out this video where he said that he wanted to facefuck Dan in an orgy while watching a video where he just turned 18. In that clip, he also split up Dan and Phil into “cute” and “not cute”. 

It even went to the point where he asked the Psychic Twins about the sexuality of Dan and Phil. In this clip, he accuses them of queerbaiting as well as supporting the Psychic Twins’ invasive and insensitive comments about them not dressing gay enough, diss of them refusing to go on their podcast and outing and stereotyping them. This was as recent as 2017.

-

There are actually a lot of other reasons why Shane is under a lot of controversy at the moment. Here were my sources, and some further reading for anyone interested:

THE PROBLEM WITH SHANE DAWSON: a thread

shane dawson sexualizing young children: a thread

One of YouTube's biggest stars made a viral 'documentary' about another YouTuber's eating disorder. Experts say it could be harmful for its subject and audience.

Jake Paul tried to use looting for YouTube views, and is facing charges. These are all the ways the controversial star has stirred up outrage in the past.

Trisha Paytas’ racism

THE PROBLEM WITH JEFFREE STAR: a thread

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH TANACON: an ongoing thread

So what from here? Shane has released an apology video, but words don’t mean anything without action. Here are some suggestions for what he could do to actually show further improvement.

He could stop doing conspiracy videos in the harmful and biased style he is known for, and delete his videos despite the views.

He could stop being friends with such toxic and controversial people.

He could donate his money and time to helping out the #BlackLivesMatter movement, and to black charities/organisations in general. It does not negate what he has done, and it is not in my place to forgive him if he does do that, but it would represent his improvement.

He could formally apologise to the parents and the family of the children he has sexualised.

But he will probably not do that. However, as a hater of cancel culture, I hope that he does improve as a person. It is not my goal to send hate, but to inform people. Sending Shane death threats or insensitive comments are the last things we need. To criticise him for doing that, then doing it yourself is hypocritical and harmful. Instead, we’ll just have to inform ourselves and wait for the future.

[queenjunoking]

Wolf Taming pt 37

CW: Noncon - Pain - Petplay - Drugs - Kidnapping  - Manipulation

Jude

I fought the urge to throw up when the canner kneed me in the stomach. I managed to grab her leash and pull, helping me straighten up while keeping her off balance.

“You stupid fucking mare. You ought to be fucking skinned alive, I doubt you’ll actually amount to much.” I pulled her close and smiled. “You have a long night ahead of you. How about you be a good girl an-”

A pain exploded in my head and I lost my grip on the leash. The canner headbutted me. I tried to get my bearings so I could catch her before she ran, but found the idiot managed to disorient herself as well. I watched her run diagonally down the path a bit before she fell over.

I used my foot to flip her over and sat down on her stomach. I smiled as she gasped and started to thrash to get out from under me. “I can’t wait to report this all to Eos. Z really ruined you, didn’t she?” Callidora tried to say something but the bit in her mouth muffled her speech. “Too dumb to realize you can’t talk? You’ll figure it out. Maybe. You haven’t even started your first day as a pony and you’re already acting out. You’ll soon learn there are worse things.”

She was surprised when I just got off her. I had made my point, I didn’t need to expend the extra energy. I gestured behind her. She looked skeptical, but I made sure I didn’t do anything to cause her alarm. Eventually she turned and froze. The stable hand that fucked up earlier was finally being taken down from the whipping brace. I had fun with her while I was waiting for Callidora to wake up. She had waited for a few hours in anticipation, suffered through the whipping while I milked all the fun out of it that I could, then I just left her there to think about what she did.

“You can’t say anything. You don’t need to. You’re a pony.” I took a step back until she was out of reach. “You have three options. The barn to do your run. The whipping brace to receive your punishment for what you did. Or you can try to run again and learn all about the other special roles a failure like you can fulfill. Personally I’d love to see you run, but I’ll let you make your own decision. Show me which option you want.”

I stood there and watched the gears turn in Callidora’s head. I watched her weakly struggle with her armbinder, trying to see if it was loose enough to escape without it being obvious that that was what she was doing.

She struggled to her feet, falling a few times in the process. The hoof boots took a lot of training to get used too, most of the ponies were incapable of walking without them once their training was complete. Not that I thought she’d make it through training.

Callidora watched as the stable hand was taken from the brace and carried to a small metal box and placed inside before it was locked. She turned to look at the trail leading off of the property. I’m sure safety seemed so close to someone like her. Finally she turned towards the barn and just stood there with her head hung. I slowly approached her to see if she would try and run, but she didn’t. I wrapped my hand around her leash and gave it a tug. She followed me closely back into the barn.

I couldn’t wait to see Z’s prized bitch break.

Z

I wasn't sure what I was expecting after Rhiannon was dragged out of the room. I wasn't expecting Rayne to usher people back into the room we had been in earlier.

The party just started back up. Maids came around with more plates of food. People went back to chatting. I heard a few talking about the incident. Those conversations were quiet. It was generally frowned upon to speak of someone who was probably going to lose their membership to the Society.

Rayne and Flora went back to chatting with others, moving from group to group as the party began to wind down. Normally they would say farewell to their guests as they left, but they would probably be busy by the time everyone started to leave.

It took about an hour for the enforcers to arrive. The Society’s version of a secret police force. Though enforcers tended to be more concerned with keeping the Society hidden. They primarily investigated potential leaks and captured anyone that was deemed a threat.

I had dealt with them before and our relationship was strained to say the least. Getting pulled into a van and having a bag thrown over your head isn’t a great way of starting a relationship. I watched one of them look over at me and start approaching. I couldn’t help but sigh, I had hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with this.

The woman stopped a few feet away from me and pulled out a notebook out of the small purse around her shoulder. “Greetings Miss… Z? The Torturer?” She looked up from her notebook and raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure what her deal was exactly. She wasn’t dressed like the rest of them, she looked like she just came from a club. A light blue tube dress and some knee high boots.

“You obviously already know who I am, can we just get to whatever questions you want to ask so I can move on with my night?” My patience was starting to wear thin.

The woman just sighed and flipped to a new page in her notebook. “My name is Seraphina. I’m with the enforcers. Blah blah blah. Moving onto the questio-”

I just decided to interrupt her. She wasn’t cutting to the chase fast enough for me. “I saw what I’m assuming literally everyone else did. The box was empty, Rhiannon had it in her bag. No, I was never in the room. No, I never saw anyone enter that room before the party moved there.”

I could hear the pencil in the woman’s hands starting to snap as I brushed her off. She took a deep breath before she continued. “And, in your opinion, do you believe Rhiannon would have committed this crime against another Society member?”

I shrugged. “Rhiannon obviously likes jewelry, she was wearing a ton of it. She’s doing her probation with a metal smith. Maybe she was just jealous she couldn’t make anything as good as that necklace.”

After a bit the woman stopped scribbling in her notebook. “Thank you for your… assistance, Miss Z. If we need anything we’ll be in touch.”

I watched her walk away. I could see part of a tattoo peeking above the dress, it was a pair of angel wings. Some members went too hard on a theme. She went and joined back with the group of enforcers, I could tell she was irritated now.

I tapped a passing maid on the shoulder and told her to bring me a soda. She scurried off as fast as she could manage without breaking into a run. I walked up the stairs so I could survey the first floor from there. Activity was slowing, but I could see that things were still happening.

“Think Rhiannon did it?” Briar’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

“Mm… no.” I leaned against the railing and looked over at Briar. She was casually sipping on another glass of whatever alcohol they were serving. “Who would be dumb enough too do that?”

“Rayne and Flora seem to think she’s dumb enough. The enforcer’s dragged her out of here just a few minutes ago so I’m guessing they believe it enough.” Briar shrugged and leaned against the railing with me.

“No. Rayne and Eos hate each other. Flora and Eos’s families are both very powerful in this region. Rayne and Emerald’s families are close. Emerald’s family is known for their metal smiths and Eos’s niece just happens to be doing her probation with a competitor.” I paused for a moment as the maid returned with a glass.

“I’m afraid this is all I could find. Master Rayne and Lady Flora don’t often carry soda, but a recent guest of theirs left some of this brand behind. I-I’m not sure if it’ll be to your liking, it’s rather sweet.” I watched the maid gulp as she finished her attempts at mitigating potential damage.

I shrugged and picked up the glass. “It’s fine. Whatever. Go back to whatever you were doing.” She curtsied and quickly walked away. I took a sip from the glass and grimaced. Calling it sweet was an understatement. I had no idea what kind of drink this was but it was unreasonably sweet. I could feel the start of a cavity coming on from just the first sip.

“You were saying?” Briar’s voice once again pulled me back into the conversation.

“Hm? Oh. Yeah. I can’t prove anything, but I doubt that box ever had the necklace in it.” I took another sip and just decided to put it down on the nearby table. Hopefully a maid would see it later on. They’d probably stay up all night cleaning to make sure everything in the house was back to normal by the time Flora woke up tomorrow morning.

“That’s a pretty bold claim.”

“Not really. I don’t know that much about Society politics, but we’re talking about the big families. Rayne and Emerald’s families are close friends.” I gestured towards the woman in purple who was talking to one of the enforcers. “That woman over there went off with Rayne earlier. There was a small commotion earlier when we were changing rooms where that woman bumped into Rhiannon. Emerald probably gave Rayne the necklace, Rayne gave it to that woman, and that woman slipped it into Rhiannon’s bag.”

“Shouldn’t we say something?” I couldn’t really discern the tone in Briar’s voice. It didn’t sound like judgement exactly. She was tip-toeing right now.

“Why should we?” I glanced over at her, unsure why she was even asking.

“Rhiannon is going to get punished for something she didn’t do if you’re right.” I didn’t like the territory this conversation was beginning to enter. It was beginning to feel like all those times she’d question me about things back at the auction house.

It didn't bring me pleasure that she failed her probation and would be sold off. That didn't mean I was going to help her though. By now Society enforcers had probably taken her away to be held until this incident was resolved. Most likely the resolution would involve Rhiannon being sold as a slave and erased from her family tree. No Society family would recognize the existence of someone who had become a slave.

“It’s our word against the word of Rayne, Flora, and the rest of the party of very powerful people. If you haven’t noticed, neither of us are very powerful or high ranked. Not that I particularly care anyway. I’m not here to help Eos’s family, I’m here to ask for help from Rayne and Flora. Even if I cared about Rhiannon, trying to take her side would be a great way to make sure I don’t get their assistance.”

“Rhiannon isn’t Eos.” There was a kind of condescension in her voice. One I had heard before. The sound of someone who thought they were telling you something profound that you didn’t understand, but done delicately like they were afraid you’d break.

“I’m aware.” This conversation was starting to get tedious. Briar’s way of talking to people was grating. Small attempts to get bits of information that she thought would help her come to some big fundamental understanding about who they were.

She didn’t say anymore as we stood there. The party slowly emptied and the enforcers eventually vanished. All that was left was Briar, myself, and the maids cleaning up. We stood there for about half an hour before one of the maids approached us and curtsied.

“Miss Z, Master Rayne has requested your presence.” She beckoned to me and Briar followed a long. When the maid realized she was following she stopped. “I apologize, Miss Briar, but Master Rayne was specific in her orders. Only Z.”

I could see Briar opening her mouth to protest so I held up a hand. “It’s fine. I’m not planning on doing anything rash. We’re just talking.”

She looked at me for a bit before sighing and leaning against the rail again. “Fine. We’ll talk later.”

I followed the maid up two floors and down a hall. I ignored Flora’s art, I didn’t want to spend energy thinking about it. Today had been a very long day and I was running low on energy. It all had to be spent on this conversation.

We eventually reached a set of double doors at the end of a hallway with two maids standing in front of it. When they noticed us walking towards them they knocked on the doors, each grabbed a handle and opened them for us.

Saying the room was grand was an understatement. Though to someone who wasn’t Rayne or Flora I would probably describe it as gaudy. It was like the boutique lounge Flora and I were in earlier, but bright and crystal. It was tasteless and monotone. There was a bar area with bottles and glasses made out of crystal. A huge crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. Sitting on a couch under it was Rayne and Flora.

“Please, Z, sit down.” Flora smiled at me and gestured to the couch in front of them. I acquiesced and sat down across from them. I looked from Flora, to Rayne and back again. I wanted to see what they’d first, starting the conversation could end badly for me.

"Well, it's been a nice enough evening." Rayne put her arm around Flora and pulled her tight. "A branch of the Rosalind family has been clipped. I doubt Eos will put any real effort into getting her back, it'll just make her look bad when she fails. Either way she'll be jailed for a while before anything happens to her.”

"How unfortunate for the Rosalinds." I was running out of energy to play nice with. I just wanted to cut to the chase.

Rayne smirked at me. "Come on, Z. Surely seeing Eos's sister fail so spectacularly must make you feel better."

“Rhiannon isn’t involved with my issue. I don’t care what happens to her. My problem is with Eos and what she did.” I turned to Flora, trying to get the conversation on track. “Lady Flora, you said you were interested in hearing more about Sasha and my problem with Eos earlier, would you still like to hear more?”

“My darling Z.” Flora began as she laid her head against Rayne’s shoulder. “Rayne has informed me of your problems and I wish to help you. Eos’s niece has been arrested and taken away. Any friendliness between us is gone for a while. I never really cared much for Eos anyway. My lovely raindrop has told me that she has something planned to help you out, but has kept me in the dark about it.”

Rayne smiled and snapped her fingers, never taking her eyes off me. After a few moments a woman in a blue suit walked in. It was a professional look, not the look of someone who had come for Flora’s party. “This is Molly. She has written a contract for us.”

“What do we need a contract for?” Skepticism started to rise within me. She said she was going to help me. Why wasn’t she just going to help me?

“Z, the contract is to assure I’ll help you.” Rayne pulled my emblem out of her pocket and held it up so we could all see it before she tossed it to me. “You have completed your obligation to me, you can have your emblem back. Now we’re back at square one.”

I picked my emblem up off the table and went to put it in my pocket before I remembered I was wearing the dress. I sighed and put it back down. “So what now?”

“If I may, Master Rayne?” Molly piped up, her voice virtually monotone.

“You may.” Flora answered excitedly, literally on the edge of her seat. I’d never seen someone excited over a contract before.

“Miss Z.” Molly approached me and placed a small stack of papers on the table. “My group and I are experts on Society rules. We know how to get your slave back.”

My heart skipped a beat. “You do? Then why aren’t you doing it?”

Molly hesitated for a moment before she continued. “Our services aren’t cheap. Master Rayne has offered to pay for it if you fulfill the contract.”

Rayne smirked at me and laid back on the couch. I looked at her and then back to Molly. “And the terms?”

“Oh, Z. The terms are lovely. They’re a second birthday present for my lovely lilac.” Rayne raised Flora’s hand and gave it a kiss.

“Really? Another gift?” Flora’s excitement was obvious.

“Nothing too good for you.” She hooked a finger under Flora’s chin and tilted her head upwards so she could kiss her. It took all my restraint not to interrupt them. Once they parted Rayne turned her attention back to me. “The terms are simple. I’ve always wondered if a breaker can take what they give. If you sign the contract I pay to get your dog back. They start tomorrow morning. You’ll also start tomorrow morning. You’ll be taken to a chamber below the house and be subjected to the breaker or breakers of my choice. The process will end when Molly’s team reclaims your dog.”

The number of questions I had were a tornado ripping through my mind. I carefully tried to choose the ones that mattered most. “How do I know you’ll actually be trying to get her back and not purposefully extending the time?”

“My group’s reputation is on the line, Miss Z. As per the contract you can only be subjected to the breaking progress while we are working. The longer we take the worse we look. You will start at 8 in the morning. You will be given a one hour break at noon until one. At five at night they cannot do anything more to you, but they have the choice of how to store you. They aren’t under obligation to give you a room to stay in.”

“So they’ll probably be leaving me in some cell.” I took a deep breath and chose my next question. “The breaking process is supposed to break one’s spirit so they’ll be a compliant slave. Some of these processes can be quite damaging. What will happen to me at the end of this?”

“Oh Z, you can tap out at any time.” Rayne had the smile of a predator. She knew she had my attention and was going to savor everything she said. “You are a member. If you tap out two things will happen. We will still pay Molly’s team and your dog will be retrieved. However her ownership will be transferred to someone else of your choosing and you will renounce your membership and belong to us.”

“Excuse me!?” A voice came from the hall. Molly had left the door open behind her and Briar stood in the doorway.

“Raindrop you will have to punish one of the maids for not being around to close the door.” Flora frowned and looked up at Rayne. “Spoilsports seem to wander in if we leave the door open.”

“You can’t just give up your membership like that! You can’t own members! It’s against our rules!” Briar looked livid. She was ignoring me, all of her attention was on Rayne.

“Actually, Miss Briar.” Molly turned to Briar. “Members of Z’s rank can have their membership revoked. It is rare, but possible. If she signs the contract and taps out the fact that she signed it in the first place is argument enough that she shouldn’t be a member. Plus Rayne was one of those who supported Z for membership over slavery in the first place. Losing Rayne’s endorsement while she is agreeing to contracts like these doesn’t help her case. The contract is more of a formality in this sense.”

“You can do anything you want to someone being broken! T-these terms aren’t fair!” I picked up the contract and started to read through it as Briar tried to fight back against Molly.

“On the contrary, Miss Briar.” Molly pushed her glasses up and shuffled through some of the papers in her arms. “If you hadn’t interrupted me I would have continued explaining the contract. It states that options that would permanently maim or kill her are off the table. That includes things like burning, branding, high voltage shocks and the like. Arguably we aren’t even allowed to use Z’s own methods as she was fond of using ice cold enemas to deliver harsh crampings and pain. Water of that temperature can seriously injure someone.”

Briar was about to speak up again when I tossed the contract back on the table. “Signed. Pay Molly and we’ll start tomorrow.”

“No!” Briar snatched the contract off the table before Rayne could pick it up. “No one watched you do it, you need an actual witness.”

“Miss Briar, Z said out loud to all of us that she signed it.” Molly interjected, her monotoned droning never wavering.

“Also, Flora was watching.” I gestured to Flora. Briar looked at her and Flora gave her a small, smarmy wave.

“I…” Briar sounded defeated. She was silent for a moment before she turned to Molly. “I refuse to leave her alone. I demand to be allowed to stay while this happens.”

“Fine, fine, whatever.” Flora interjected before turning to Rayne. “As fun as this idea is, raindrop, how is this my present?”

“Oh my sweet sunflower.” Rayne raised Flora’s hand and kissed it once again. “I wracked my brain for weeks trying to think of the perfect present for you. You loved Z’s work, don’t you?”

“Her work is quite lovely. I’ve never had a canvas quite as nice as the ones that she made.”

“You have quite the collection of her work. So I thought to myself, maybe I could have her make more. But as much as I wanted you to have those canvases, it wasn’t quite the right answer. Then it hit me. You don’t get an artist to just infinitely create more art. It devalues the work.” She looked over at me with the predator smile once again, her teeth gleaming.

“No. The greatest piece you can add to a collection is the artist themself”.

[midnightactual]

Yoruichi and Co. & Kaien (Part 2)

Last time, in Part 1, I seemed to have exhausted Tumblr’s ability to nest images in a text post. So, let’s finish this up on this go-around:

Rukia & Kaien and the Hōgyoku

@mysteriousshopkeeper​​ had a post fairly recently entitled Urahara’s Motive, Means and Opportunity for Suppressing the Hōgyoku, about why Kisuke chose Rukia as the host for the Hōgyoku. Within was the conclusion that she was chosen because, “I think she was most likely just a target of opportunity.” Our thinking (as we discuss these things regularly) has somewhat advanced since then (as evidenced in the post His Research), but given all the above, it has an even simpler explanation, given in chapter 268:

Rukia is—quite simply—Kaien’s final disciple, inheritor, heir, successor, protégé, or whatever else you want to call her, and thus the most recent and also purest of them. (It’s easy to see that Yoruichi and Kisuke, given the demands of the Onmitsukidō and 2nd Division, were likely at least partially corrupted, tainted, or compromised by their experiences, in a way which Rukia would not be.)

If you take it for granted that Yoruichi was heavily influenced by Kaien (which I think has been well-demonstrated), it would make sense that the same be true of Kisuke. If that was indeed the case, his selection of Rukia on the basis of her holding Kaien’s heart would make complete sense. But what other proof of this do we have...?

Kisuke and Yoruichi & Ichigo and Rukia

As early as chapter 48, during the fight with the Menos Grande, Kisuke indicates he already conceives of Ichigo and Rukia as a team:

Rukia’s efforts to try and save Ichigo here are, incidentally, another parallel with her trying to save him in the way she couldn’t save Kaien (as are her efforts to involve herself in the Grand Fisher fight, and her efforts to save him from Renji and Byakuya). However, Kisuke prevents her from doing this not just so that she can witness Ichigo’s growth, but so that she might grow herself. This will ultimately only be fully realized when Ichigo saves Rukia from the Sōkyoku, but you can see that he had already placed tremendous faith in them. Why?

It doesn’t make much sense... unless you accept that he believes that together, they are the true inheritors of Kaien. (The Sand and Rotator mimicking what Kaien promised, if you will). This is most obviously affirmed with his infamous ‘deathbed speech’ in chapter 666:

But other examples of it abound. Most (if not all) of these are focused on Ichigo, such as this example from earlier in chapter 48 (where Kisuke notably completely ignores Uryū, much as Yoruichi earlier ignored everyone but Ichigo):

Or this example from chapter 518:

Where Kisuke rebukes Chad (and Orihime, who is notably silent and thus seems to share his doubts about Ichigo) for not believing in him sufficiently.

Yoruichi’s input on Ichigo is more limited (and she has none on Rukia, which is bizarre given their similar history) but she clearly goes along with Kisuke’s general plan, and she articulates her thoughts directly to Renji during Ichigo’s bankai training in chapter 137:

Her rather carefully chosen and almost hesitating words here lead one to believe that what she’s saying is something of a cover, don’t they? Even still, note her words, “I believe in him.” Yoruichi never says that directly of anyone or anything else.

Taken together, I think it’s very hard to refute that Kisuke and Yoruichi have an unshakable belief in Ichigo and Rukia (even if it’s rather unstated in the latter’s case). A belief that they will do the right thing—like Kaien would’ve.

Rukia and Ichigo

So what do Rukia and Ichigo believe in anyway? What makes them, as @mysteriousshopkeeper​ put it, Kisuke’s “Chosen Champions”? The answer given would suffice: “And what do they have in common? Compassion. Ichigo is fiercely protective to those who can’t protect themselves, and even wants to reform Soul Society.* Rukia believes it is a shinigami’s duty to protect every conscious soul.” This is true enough, and they tell us as much in chapter 2:

Ichigo makes it clear that he doesn’t believe Rukia just helped him out of duty (and likewise, it’s clear she didn’t just help him because he resembled Kaien), but doubts his own commitment. (This is the same commitment Chad questions later in the manga, which Kisuke believed in absolutely.) Ichigo gives a few additional remarks in chapter 48:

These demonstrate the degree to which his desires to protect had expanded even by then, thus reaffirming Kisuke’s trust in him (and Rukia) in the same chapter. And it’s this same desire which Byakuya will identify after their fight, because Soul Society inherently endangers people. This is also what Kaien believed in... and imparted to Yoruichi, Kisuke, and Rukia, among others.

Kaien & Aizen

So, you might be wondering what all Kaien has to do with opposition to Aizen. I think that Aizen’s choice of threat to Ichigo in chapter 388 is more than literal:

Because Aizen goes on to mean it, more than literally, in chapters 410 and 414:

Aizen wanted to kill Ichigo’s friends to try and provoke Ichigo’s growth, to use him as a kind of yardstick for his own. This seems significant as Kaien tells us, in chapter 268:

It can be inferred, given Karakura is in Soul Society at this time, that were Ichigo’s friends to be killed, their deaths would be permanent... and they would die alone. Aizen’s threat to “rip out [Ichigo’s] heart” is, as I said, more than literal: he’s seeking to destroy Ichigo’s bonds with his friends in so far as possible.

In this regard, and in his more general behavior (such as his desire to “stand alone at the top”) he is not opposing Kisuke... but Kaien. So when Aizen angrily berates Kisuke, in chapter 421:

We can say that Aizen has simply failed to see what Kisuke (and Yoruichi) are trying to achieve through Ichigo and Rukia, in the image of Kaien. This is because Aizen is seemingly incapable of seeing beyond oneself as the primary actor in effecting change: he doesn’t see Kisuke immediately taking steps, so he assumes Kisuke accepts the status quo. It is plainly evident from his words elsewhere that Kisuke does not do any such thing.

It would seem that Aizen is apparently unable to even understand truly trusting in others, and it is this which makes him Kaien’s opposite.

Yoruichi & the Shiba in CFYOW

And on that note... we come to another core motivation of Yoruichi’s. I don’t really like or rate Can’t Fear Your Own World for a host of reasons (I think it’s rather like trying to turn the Appendices of Lord of the Rings into the 7th and 8th books of the series, featuring almost none of the main characters from the first 6 books), but I do think it provides some interesting insights into Yoruichi (although I disagree with some of its characterization of her).

In Chapter 2 of Volume 1, we have the following:

Shiba Kūkaku is both a pyrotechnist on the surface as well as behind the scenes, all involvement with Squad Zero and such were declared “side jobs”. It is for this reason, that there exists a curious big-shot like air about her, even if Hisagi, as Vice Captain of Squad 9, ranked higher in terms of station; many among the Vice Captains view her with a sense of respect.

In fact, although they are currently a fallen house, the Shiba clan is a respectable family that once produced a number of seated officers and Captain ranks, they were a family of good social standing to the degree that they were known as one of the “Five Great Noble Clans” alongside the likes of the Kuchiki and Shihōin clans.

For that matter, Shiba Kūkaku herself, who is standing before him, is also a considerably powerful person.

He has heard that she struck down one of the mighty gatekeepers of the Seireitei with Kidō alone; in Hisagi’s eyes, she wasn’t merely a pyrotechnician, but a figure of great influence hidden in the depths of Soul Society.

and also:

“…I wonder if big brother knew something.”

This brother he speaks of is Shiba Kaien who served as Ukitake’s lieutenant before the collapse of the Shiba clan.

Although they were ousted from their position as nobles due to his death and the disappearance of Kurosaki Isshin who belonged to a branch of the main house, Ganju still considered his big brother the pride of the Shiba clan even now.

Recalling the face of her older brother who was no more, Kūkaku cast her eyes down to her sake cup whilst forming her words.

“…Who knows. The Shinigami are only alert to external threats all for the sake of protecting Seireitei.”

...

“Just like it was with that Aizen bastard, when it comes to the Shinigami, they may just wind up becoming all kinds of thick-skinned against the scoundrels created by the Seireitei itself.”

We see in this that the Shiba remain movers and shakers, and are reminded of the relation that Aizen had with them (notably, having indirectly killed Kaien with the experiment of Metastacia, and having indirectly lead to Isshin deserting). We then get the following in the Epilogue of Volume 1:

In response to Yoruichi’s easygoing manner of speaking, Tokinada gave a wry smile, then his expression turned serious and he began to broach the real issue at hand. “I’d like to revive the five great noble clans… or in other words, I intend to propose a restoration of the Shiba clan.” At those words, Byakuya was still expressionless, Yoruichi raises one eyebrow ever so slightly. The Shiba clan were once part of the five great noble clans, but a man who was a descendant of that house and serving as captain of squad 10 at the time - Shiba Isshin - disappeared into the Human World, as a result they were stripped of their noble standing in the form of bearing responsibility for it. Members of Isshin’s household who were the branch family were broken up, and head house members Shiba Kūkaku and co who had taken up residence in Rukongai from the very beginning, were completely expunged even of their status amongst the five great noble clans which was already a mere title in name only at the time. As an outcome, they were formally prohibited from travelling in and out of Seireitei. But naturally, in Kūkaku’s case, she would later infiltrate the court by force accompanied by Jidanbō, the gatekeeper of the Hakutōmon* (* White Road Gate) in the west of Seireitei. As the two waited for him to continue with the conversation, Tokinada went on. “It’s true, Shiba Isshin’s departure is an act that can only be described as a betrayal towards Soul Society. However as a consequence of that, Isshin’s son… despite coming from the lineage of a branch family, Kurosaki Ichigo a descendant of the Shiba clan, defeated the king of Quincies. Don’t you think that meritorious service is enough to clear their name?” Because it was a view that was more earnest than what she could have imagined coming from him, Yoruichi in turn was suspicious of what Tokinada was thinking. Meanwhile, Byakuya’s facial expression remains as undisturbed as before, with a nonchalant air he spoke of his own thoughts. “I agree about Kurosaki Ichigo’s meritorious service, but Kurosaki Ichigo will not accept the status of a noble or anything of the like.” “That’s true. For that guy things like status and prestige are simply not regarded as a reward. Rather it only appears to be a nuisance to him at best. If you’re speaking for the sake of entire Shiba clan it may be better received, but neither Kūkaku nor Ganju are thinking of returning to nobility again.” After listening to Byakuya and Yoruichi’s words and quietly nodding in understanding, Tokinada gave a weak smile as he replied. “So, it’s true Kurosaki Ichigo is that sort of man. If that’s the case, then how about we make his two younger sisters nominal clan heads? They won’t need to be involved in any practical duties. It’ll only be a formality so there’s no problem.” “You’ve investigated even as far as Ichigo’s family members huh?… However, I don’t see what you’re getting at. Why are you so fixated on restoring the Shiba clan?” A look of vigilance was playing on Yoruichi’s face, at her question Tokinada replied with honesty. “Ah, for the sake of valuing justice. I have no problem forcibly getting things done with the might of the Tsunayashiro clan, but that will only create a breeding grounds for future problems amongst the people of Soul Society. They would think they were under my dictatorship wouldn’t they? For this reason, I want it to be known the world over that the Seireitei operates through just procedures.”

“……?” “So long as the five houses are all present, and we’ve acquired the Soul King’s formal consent – – the five great noble clans will have a position equivalent to that of the Soul King Palace and can become Seireitei’s decision making body surpassing the Central 46. Perhaps, the Central 46 at the time decided to decimate the Shiba clan in order to prevent a situation like that.” As he stifled his laughter, Tokinada continued even further. “In any case, have you never thought to question it? Why, out of the five great noble clans, it was the Shiba clan that were met with a cold reception from the very beginning? Supposedly, it’s because they took up residence in Rukongai in order to set up a Shiba clan secret cannon there. However, before they were stripped of their position amongst the five great noble clans, the Shiba clan received treatment no better than a bunch of poor people from lesser nobility. Aren’t you curious about both the Shiba clan and why it was deemed acceptable?” “Who knows, when looking at value alone, the Shiba clan residence was in no way inferior to the ordinary noble’s, perhaps they simply felt that was enough. However, I’m surprised by your arrogance, you go as far as to call even nobles, poor people.” Although it was a matter that was certainly on her mind, Yoruichi replied as if she wasn’t going to tread to deeply into that topic right now. She concluded that going along with Tokinada’s ideas here will only serve to stray further away from the truth instead.

Bold emphasis is mine. Notice Yoruichi’s suspicion here. Yoruichi will go on to have a verbal sparring match with Tokinada in Chapter 11 of Volume 2, but it isn’t immediately relevant. What is relevant is Chapter 16 of Volume 2:

Yoruichi held out her hand, displaying the contents. In her hand, stood a small columnar glass case, containing a human foetus fused with Hollow parts.

"This thing was lined up along with others in the Visuals Department. A bit incongruous for this department, don't you think? I don't recall seeing anything like this down here before. It would be nice if I could take it to the Central 46, but for the time being, I guess Kyoraku will suffice. Children are easier to manipulate as puppets, aren't they?"

Tokinada listened to Yoruichi, a sneer playing upon his lips.

"I don't disagree with the last statement. But is it really okay for you to reject my proposal regarding the Rei-o and the House of Shiba? The chat the three of us had the other day, you, me and Byakuya.."

"I don't know about li'l Byakuya, but I don't want any more trouble for Kukaku."

"Hoh?"

Tokinada smirked, looking interested. Yoruichi folded her arms and looked at Tokinada.

"I could still tolerate the idea of Aizen standing atop the heavens, but you, my friend, are a different story altogether."

"I see, I see. It is such an honour to be treated as a greater rogue than Aizen."

"Did you not hear what I just said? I meant that you're a sleaze-bag."

Yoruichi re-phrased her statement. Tokinada laughed aloud.

"Ahahahaha! Indeed! There is a big difference! But it is strange to hear such words from you of all people. You too belong to the Four Great Noble Families."

"I'll say it again and again. I don't care about my ancestors. I don't care about head-ship. Your family lineage and past deeds are irrelevant to me. I don't give a damn about the will of your family."

"That's right, yes. You don't care about our family, but you do care about Byakuya. Not that I'm envious, mind you. Yes, even the House of Kuchiki that commands the greatest respect. It stands firm like a tall tree, but if you start peeling off the bark from the outside, the core is just like ours. They are just as corrupted as we are. Still, the House of Kuchiki acts as a pillar supporting the Seireitei, unlike the House of Tsunayashiro, which is rotten to the sprouts rather than the trunk."

Bold emphasis is again mine. Yoruichi’s personal disgust with Tokinada aside (and it’s notable that she holds him in even greater disgust than Aizen), her main concern throughout seems to be the wellbeing of the Shiba, particularly Kūkaku. It’s also interesting that Tokinada is so fixated on why the Shiba were treated poorly “from the very beginning.” The answer as to why is obvious: because they fought Soul Society’s laws—something which Yoruichi herself has carried on doing, as this essay has hopefully made clear (and which is also hinted at in one of the bolded sections).

You come away with the sense that, although Yoruichi is a Shihōin by blood, by heart she’s practically a Shiba, and I feel this is echoed with her actions and choices throughout the actual manga.

Summary & Conclusion

I would hope that after all this some core takeaway ideas have been substantiated, at least in part:

Yoruichi obviously had a close personal relationship with Kaien

Yoruichi accepted the bulk if not the entirety of Kaien’s value system

Directly or indirectly by either Kaien or Yoruichi, these values were also passed on to Kisuke (and Tessai)

Yoruichi, Kisuke, and Kūkaku all recognized Ichigo’s similarity to Kaien in their own way, not just Rukia, Jūshirō, and Byakuya

Yoruichi (like Rukia) achieved what Rukia failed to do with Kaien by saving Ichigo

Yoruichi (and Kisuke) refute Jūshirō’s logic, which got Kaien killed

Yoruichi (and Ichigo) thus turned Jūshirō to insurrection as well

Yoruichi (and Kisuke), much like both Ichigo and Kaien, is involved in fighting the laws of Soul Society 

Kisuke (and Yoruichi) saw and believe that Rukia was Kaien’s rightful heir

Kisuke (and Yoruichi) believe in Rukia and Ichigo as a unit standing in for Kaien in the scheme of opposing the rules (and history) of Soul Society

Kisuke and Yoruichi moved forward on a plan to change Soul Society which revolved around Ichigo and Rukia acting in Kaien’s stead

Rukia and Ichigo’s ethos, ethics, morals, and philosophy (their “will”) are a continuation (and possibly expansion) of Kaien’s

Kaien’s will existed in direct opposition to Aizen’s, although they had an ultimately similar objective (fighting Soul Society’s laws)

Yoruichi is in large part motivated by Kaien’s will and identifies heavily with, and is very sympathetic to, the Shiba clan

Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far in!

[morganaofcamelot]

If Wishes Came True (Chapter 3)

Title: If Wishes Came True Chapter III: Killer on the Loose Pt.I

Fandom: BBC Robin Hood

Ships: Guy of Gisborne/Original Female Character, Guy of Gisborne/Marian of Knighton, Original Female Character/Original Male Character

Definately an AU - Sir Guy of Gisborne has served the current Sheriff of Nottingham for five years prior to the beginning of the first season, and is considered a part of the family, both by Vaisey and his daughter Valerie. The chapters are from Val’s POV, as she struggles to maintain her youthful innocence in a place that’s all too willing to steal it away from her, and navigate the intrigues of her father. [Many changes from the show, although the fic loosely follows season 1]

Important Note: English is not my first language, so I’d appreciate if you can point out any mistakes I make.

On AO3

Tumblr: Ch I, Ch II

Sir Guy found her standing against a wall, her hands folded in the most unladylike manner, her gaze far away. He crossed the courtyard with swift paces. It was too late, when she realized that he was walking towards her. “Valerie,” he said. “I’ve heard about what happened, are you alright? He did not hurt you?” his voice betrayed his concern. She sighed.

“Welcome back, Guy.” She said and turned to leave. Sir Guy was quick to grab her arm, not entirely ungently. His eyes shone with a strong emotion; anger, she thought. But is it directed at me?

“What happened?” he insisted.

Valerie recounted the last night’s events and the threat Huntington had posed both to her and her father. She fought the tears bravely, and they did not come. She spared a glance at his face; Sir Guy’s fury was palpable.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his hands on her shoulders. “I wasn’t there to protect you.” Come hell or high water, I will stand beside you and protect you until I draw my last breath. The vow he had made her years ago came to her mind. She had been a girl of only eleven, and he had been a man of five-and-twenty, recently anointed a knight, and recently brought into her father’s household. His black hair had been longer, then and he had let her brush them. Her father quickly took a liking to him, and Sir Guy returned it with much enthusiasm. Half a year later, he was a member of their family; the son Vaisey always wanted, and the big brother Valerie always wished for. “You are a sister to me.”

Valerie’s smile was bittersweet. “I know.” I wish you wouldn’t say it. Quickly changing the subject, before she said or did something she would later regret, she told him of another incident.

“I had an argument with the sheriff,” she said. Sir Guy raised an eyebrow.

“The sheriff?” he said, noting the spite in her tone. “It mustn’t have gone well, then. Tell me, maybe I can help.”

She smiled half-heartedly. “You are right on that front. I asked him to let me train with a sword, if only to protect myself. That man,” she said pointedly, “Would have killed us in a heartbeat. You of all people know, father isn’t as good with a sword as he once was. Age has taken its toll on him.”

“And he refused?” Sir Guy deducted. She only nodded in affirmation. “Sword fighting is better left to the men.”

Valerie sighed in exasperation. “But none of the men could stop Huntingdon!” She shivered as she was reminded of the cold-hearted glow in the man’s eyes. Sir Guy noticed and tried to soothe her.

“I could teach you a few things,” he finally said. Valerie looked up at him; he had that half-smile on his face, that she always associated with him. He means it.

Forgetting all sense of propriety, and the fact that she wasn’t actually related with the black-clad knight, Valerie hugged him tightly. She was tall, for a woman, but he was a giant; the top of her head barely touched his chin. He returned the embrace.

“But,” he said in a low whisper, “it has to be a secret.”

Letting go, Valerie promised him that she would tell nobody about this.

“Very well. I’ll meet you at the stables, when the bell strikes four times.”

***

She brimmed with an excitement for the rest of the day, barely containing herself from laughing out loud and raise the suspicions of her father. Oh, but he’ll be furious if he ever learnt of our arrangement, she thought with glee. Nothing could make her come down from the clouds right then.

True to his word, Sir Guy was at the stables when the bell signaled that four hours had passed since noon. The previous excitement in her, had now turned into a nervous reaction, when she realized that she was going to spend time with him, all alone.

“Are you ready for it?” He asked, offering a gloved hand.

She cleared her throat. “Yes,” she said, taking it. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” He led me in the far back, where the old stables used to be, now empty of people and horses.

He picked a short sword from a rack on the far wall, its blade dull and unthreatening. He handed it to me, and took a normal sized one for himself. “Now, stance is the most important thing. You learn to stand correctly, and you learn to defend yourself. He walked behind her and arranged her feet with his own. “You’re wearing breeches. Smart.” She couldn’t see him, but she was sure he was smiling. Her heartbeat quickened.

Satisfied with her lower body, Guy swiftly moved to correct her upper half. “This way,” he murmured with every little change he made. His breath was on the top of her head, sending involuntary tingles throughout the rest of her body. “Good.” He said at last, and moved to stand beside her.

He proceeded with demonstrating a basic defensive move, and made her copy it again and again, on her own. After some time – Valerie couldn’t tell whether it’s been a moment or a day since they began – Guy was on the offensive. He attacked her and she parried his blows, gaining more confidence with each blow she managed to block. He picked up the pace, and she quickly read into his intention, using the sword as an extension of her arm.

The bell rang. One, two, three, four, five times.

Sir Guy lowered his sword. “That’s enough for one day.” He said, placing the blunt blade on the rack. “You might feel your arms sore and heavy for a few days. Do not worry about it, it’ll be your muscles complaining for the sudden exertion.”

Valerie placed her short sword next to his. “I feel fine.” She said, dismissively. “When will we train again? Oh, and how did I do?”

The knight gave a half-smile. “If you keep learning so fast, I’ll have you replace the Captain of the Guard in a year.” It sounded like teasing, but she did do well on her first day. “We’ll reconvene on Monday, same hour.”

In three days. Valerie was over the moon.

“Run along, now.” He said, and Valerie rushed to do as she was bid, her heart beating wildly.

***

Sir Guy had kept his word; every three or four days he would meet her at the old stable for an hour of sword practice. And so the Spring Equinox had come and gone by with April on the heels, bringing bluer skies and happier attitudes. There had been no news of Robin Hood, as the men had taken to call him, now that he wasn’t the Earl of Huntingdon anymore. Sir Guy was given the title with little ceremony, and had welcomed them for a feast in his newly acquired manor. Valerie had never seen her father look more proud when he thought nobody was looking. It made her smile.

On the ninth day of April, however, things took a turn for the worse; a bailiff had been struck by an arrow in the village of Nettlestone. The lords of the shire had been called to a meeting in the castle. Valerie attended it, seated by her father’s side. Lady Marian was also attending it, standing by her own father, and Valerie watched her closely; she carried no hidden blade in her hair at this time, although she couldn’t help feeling uneasy.

“The villagers of Nettlestone have reported that the outlaw commonly known as Robin Hood had murdered Joderick, the bailiff.” Her father’s voice was low and calm. The lords were shocked and it showed in various degrees. “Well, this is a shocking matter, isn’t it? Even his beloved villagers lose their patience when their heroes start picking them off. What else was in that report, Sir Guy?”

Sir Guy’s voice was lower still. Valerie knew that he had worked with Joderick for a long time, back when the knight served as a tax collector. She had heard him speak fondly of him many a time. “They’re saying that Hood promised that he would prevent the eviction.”

The sheriff shook his head. “War had addled his brain, I’m not at all surprised. But I didn’t have him capable of murder. Maybe his current status as an outlaw have drove him mad.” He made a pause. Valerie recalled the night that man barged into the hall, thirsty for her father’s blood. The sheriff had told him that he thought him incapable for murder, back then. She begged to differ. “What do you propose?”

Sir Guy was the first to offer a solution – he was the sheriff’s man-at-arms and his enforcer. “I suggest we round all those who are helping Hood by not informing us about his whereabouts. He would have been caught by now, if not for their help.”

To Valerie’s surprise, Lady Marian spoke up, despite her father’s attempts to tell her to stop. “And have this practices ever worked before? Those villagers reported the crime, seeking justice.” Marian looked at the sheriff and Sir Guy interchangeably. But if Valerie was impressed by her bold statement, her father’s answer left her wondering if something had him possessed.

“I agree with you, lady Marian. This is not the correct way to go about this. Sir Marcus, do you have any suggestions?” Her father turned to the man standing a little further on Valerie’s right side. He was the Master-at-Arms, the man who took care of the castle’s security and the guards’ training.

The man cleared his throat, and spoke with absolute conviction. “This gives us a political advantage, my lord. Have every town crier announce what’s taken place at the village, make sure everybody knows that an innocent was killed.”

The sheriff nodded in agreement. “Ah, yes. He has given us the high ground; we should keep it. I like this idea. See to it.” Sir Marcus nodded. “Do not be fearful my lords, the culprit will be caught! Dismissed.”

Valerie stood up and followed her father. Sir Guy did, too, to whisper in the sheriff’s ear. “My lord, I still believe in actions rather than words. If I had the resources, I could hunt him down.”

Valerie kept her head down, feigning disinterest in their talk. “Very well,” her father said. “We shall do it both ways. But, be discreet about it.” His answer resulted in a smirk, and off Sir Guy went to put in motion the sheriff’s shadow operation.

Her father leaned to talk to her. “He likes some competition, this boy. I shall give it to him.”

Valerie’s smile did not touch her eyes. She just wished Sir Guy wouldn’t be hurt in the process.

***

The funeral of Joderick, the poor bailiff that was slain by Robin Hood, took place in the town’s square; lots of people had shown up to honor the man, nobles and peasants alike. Valerie stood beside Sir Guy, who was trying to look as impassive as possible. Valerie daren’t spoke to him, for she feared his grief went beyond words.

From her vantage point, she saw Marian sneak away through the gathered crowd, stealthily hiding behind a wall. Valerie made to move, to follow her, but she thought better of it and stopped. It wouldn’t do, to being seen leaving before her father ended his speech. She was a good girl. Lady Marian and her secrets can wait.

Later in the day, her suspicions of Lady Marian were all but forgotten. Valerie was informed by the steward that Sir Guy, before he went on his grand hunt, had requested that Marian stays in the castle, even though her father had decreed otherwise. Valerie gave her consent, and was intent on keeping a close watch on that woman.

After supper, her father worked on the documents, as Valerie read by the candlelight. A servant boy entered with a flagon and two goblets. The boy made the mistake of placing the plater on the wrong side, and the sheriff made his displeasure known by merely teasing the lad. He got up, and whispered something to him Valerie couldn’t hear, and then a whoosh.

“Argh” her father yelled. The boy was lying on the ground face-first, with an arrow protruding from his back. “Guards! Guards!” he yelled and walked over to her in panic. “It is Robin Hood!” he kept repeating.

Valerie was stunned. The poor boy! The guards barged in, with the Sir Marcus behind them. “My lord!” The knight took a look at the boy and paled.

[inspired-by-the-music]

For You: 4 O’Clock

Chapter 1: Comeback

Taglist: @jineunwootrash

“Dude! Lei!” Lucas cheered into my ear as he (again) combed his fingers through my recently chopped black hair. Independent from those who cried that I ruined my visuals, he boasted, “I love this!”

Lucas was too excited. About my haircut, about my still-secret impending debut in SuperM’s comeback, about getting to work together after years of being best friends. Even as I struggled to escape his reach, trying to smooth my hair before a stylist could scold me for wasting their hours of hard work, trying to force my smile into the hard line that would fail to convince Lucas to behave, I laughed. I was too excited too.

My laughter died with the ever-present realization that somebody is always watching. That curse of being an idol meant that we couldn’t feel this way— carelessly happy— or, rather, that we shouldn’t.

Before I could remind Lucas (he always needed to be reminded), Mom’s voice broke through the on set bustle. “Break’s over, kids! Hands to yourself Lucas— this is why we have dating rumors! You don’t want to end up like the idol who never debuted!” She spoke without glancing up from her clipboard, without faltering in her fast-paced course to who knows where to do who knows what, the fabric of her bright red pantsuit swishing in time each step.

Lucas finally stepped away, instinctively abandoning his assault on me to stare after Mom. As I dropped my phone into my backpack, satisfied that there was nothing worth a response in my inbox or on social media, he whistled. “Dude, Mom is hot.”

Were I not used to that— Lucas referring to my mother as if she were also his, calling her hot— I might have cringed. Indifferent, I forced my eyes to roll because that was the kind of reaction Lucas liked. “Do you ever think that’s why you can’t get a girlfriend? The fact that you lust after my mother— our manager?”

Lucas shook his head. “Nah. I can’t get a girlfriend because everyone things I’m dating you.” He poked my forehead accusingly as if his smothering affection weren’t the cause of those false rumors, and I swatted his hand away. “Plus, didn’t ya hear? We can’t even touch a person of the opposite sex or else we’ll end up like the idol who never debuted.” His breath huffed out of his forever-swollen lips.

The story about the idol who never debuted because of an unplanned pregnancy was some kind of fable, myth, or urban legend that pervaded every aspect of life as an S.M. idol. Maybe nobody ever really believed it. Maybe everyone thought it was some cleverly crafted tale to get us to focus on training. Maybe we thought we wouldn’t hear it after debut, but it was whispered in response to every dating scandal and mentioned by Mom still on the (frequent) occurrence that Lucas ignored my boundaries.

All I know is that Lucas and I hated that story, and we expressed our hatred differently. Lucas was determined to rebel against it not by getting a real girlfriend but by committing to being my best friend in every sense of the word, regardless of what the press said, regardless of how fans often misinterpreted, regardless of Mom’s plentiful scoldings. And I— well, Lucas said that I was the perfect idol because I was as obedient as I was talented, but the truth was that becoming the scandalized idol in the next cautionary tale was my biggest fear. That’s why I strictly observed a self-imposed total dating ban: fear of controversy. And maybe deeper down, a fear of intimacy, but more on that later.

I shied away from Lucas’s reference to the scandalized idol, rationalizing to his widening eyes, “I’m due on B set. I have to re-do my introduction because I kept getting distracted by Taemin’s laugh yesterday.” I wondered what could have been so funny to Taemin, but I never would have asked back then.

Lucas’s mouth fell open, I’m sure, to tease me about being incapable of functioning around Taemin, but his turn to speak was stolen by a boisterous trio of men I would recognize anywhere.

The faces of Donghae, Eunhyuk, and Shindong were among the most familiar of my childhood. I could remember vaguely when they debuted. I was six years old, sitting backstage where Mom could find me as soon as the first Super Junior Stage was completed. Being an unofficial trainee at the time, I was studying Mandarin.

Anyway, what matters is that I couldn’t escape once Super Junior fixed their gaze on me. If I did, they would tell Mom, and I would be in trouble not only for disrespecting my elders from work but also my elders in a familial sense.

“Where’s our manager?” Shindong barked at nobody in particular. Nobody responded because Super Junior’s demands for Mom had become too commonplace to garner any attention.

“Isn’t this a bit bold?” I smiled gratefully while accepting a strawberry milkshake offered by Donghae, who greeted me with a small closed-mouth grin. “You guys have stormed onto the SuperM set every day this week.” Which meant I had a strawberry milkshake every day that week. Oops. Another failed diet.

Donghae said, “We’ll cross improper lines for you mom every day of every week,” and Eunkhyuk added loudly, as if aspiring to arouse Baekhyun’s attention, “Yeah! She was our manager first! She loves Super Junior best!”

Baekhyun appeared out of nowhere. As always, his voice— a bright shout— preceded him. “Not a chance! She’s our manager now! I’ll never let you take her!”

And just as quickly as he had appeared by my side, Baekhyun dashed off in pursuit of Mom with Eunhyuk and Shindong following closely behind.

I shook my head. Goofball Baekhyun, running the wrong way.

“What is it?” Donghae tilted his head to meet my gaze. “She’s not that way?”

Donghae was so earnest, so intent on looking right into somebody’s soul, that these moments when I held his attention were blush-inducing. I squirmed, and Lucas snorted. “Oh, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know where Mom is. It’s been kinda hectic, and I haven’t seen her in a few hours—”

It was hard enough to lie to Donghae without Lucas butting in.

“What are you talking about?” Lucas had been quiet for too long, so he shouted through a mouthful of barbecue chips fished out of my backpack. Thief. “She just told us— ow!” He shrieked as I grabbed his hand and crushed it with all the force I could muster.

“Sorry, Donghae.” I bowed to my senior. “We really have to go! I hope you find my mother!” Guilty, my eyes flinched away from his frowning face.

Once we were out of Donghae’s earshot, and once I dropped Lucas’s hand, he stretched his digits and whined, “That hurt, Lei! Why did you do that? And why did you lie to Donghae about Mom?”

“Because,” I hissed, narrowly dodging an intern running with two tall cups of coffee, “they’re fighting.”

“They’re fighting?” Lucas gasped.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

Or, at least, I thought they were fighting. I didn’t know why Mom was avoiding Donghae, but I had overheard vague snippets of her conversations with Heechul when they were supposed to be watching some drama in the living room after dinner. I heard her sigh of relief when she learned that she would be responsible for organizing SuperM’s comeback and tour rather than assisting with the next Super Show. I didn’t need to know the specifics that Mom would never tell me. No matter how much I liked Donghae, if there was a fight, I was on Mom’s side.

“Here.” I passed my milkshake to Lucas after taking one long sip. “You can have this. I can’t take it onto set.”

“Ooooh!” Lucas’s eyes rounded in gratitude. He skipped off before turning back to shout, “Wait, Lei, what’s my schedule again?”

He needed to listen during briefings instead of playing around with my hair.

Having settled into the chair, sitting perfectly still so the audio technician could clip a microphone to the collar of my sheer black sweater, I responded (not loudly enough to disturb the tech), “You’re supposed to take pictures with Mark.”

“Okay! Thanks!” He grinned.

That time, my smile wasn’t forced for the camera; it was a reaction to Lucas.

Taemin and Kai were unapproachable, each for completely different reasons.

Lucas joked that I was the born and bred idol, and most people seemed to agree, but I always thought that if the perfect idol existed, his name was Lee Taemin. Like me, he debuted at 14. Unlike me, he proved himself worthy of fame and admiration with pure talent.

Hate comments didn’t need to remind me of the role Mom played in my success. I was grateful and, under my carefully crafted proud exterior, I was insecure. I was not talentless, and I worked hard almost in a vain attempt to distance myself from the poorly disguised mutters that I was only an idol because of Mom; Taemin was beyond talented, and he worked hard because he knew no other way to stride toward his goals.

“You need to stop being so weird,” Lucas told me after one of my first practices with the group. “You can’t just stare at Taemin when you pout about how everyone stares at you.”

Lucas was right. I hated being lumped in with the millions who failed to acknowledge Taemin’s humanity. But the truth— that I was some kind of hypocrite— was easy for Lucas to see; it was easy for him to say.

Lucas was the only person who didn’t seem to realize that Taemin was the center of every room. He was the only one who didn’t cling to Taemin’s every word. He was the only one who didn’t see Taemin’s other-worldly glow.

I think that’s why Lucas was my best friend: he didn’t see me or Taemin or anybody as idols. He saw us as people, liked us as people, and that was rare. From that first day at practice, I was torn between the desire to be like Lucas and the desire to be like Taemin.

Anyway, Kai didn’t like me. He didn’t hate me (at first) or anything, and he didn’t particularly dislike me, but he was the only member (aside from Taemin, who I admired too much to approach for fear of saying something stupid) who didn’t know me pre-SuperM.

Even once I was approved to debut with them, Kai hadn’t held eye contact with me for more than three seconds at a time. I wasn’t sensitive about it, and I wasn’t in the market for a new best friend— Lucas was more than enough— but Kai’s aversion to me was inconvenient, annoying, and frustrating considering that we were cast into a subunit together.

We recorded our songs (which were the most sensual of my career because they were meant to evolve my image from bubble gum pop Idol to something more “adult”) separately. Despite the quickly approaching tour dates, we hadn’t once practiced our choreography together. Kai was my senior, so I couldn’t approach him with my concerns about our lack of preparation. That’s why he was unapproachable; I had to wait patiently for him to address our tension.

I hoped that he would have taken the first step toward me before we had to shoot promotions, but Kai still couldn’t meet my eyes— despite the photographer’s repeated demands that were carefully phrased as requests— as our bodies were pressed flush together before a swarm of cameras.

Although I would rather forget, I think I can pinpoint the moment Kai decided to hate me. He flinched away from my touch again as I draped my arms over his shoulders and laced my fingers together behind his neck, per the photographer’s instructions.

“Come on, Kai!” I rolled my eyes, whining in unison with the rest of the members, who had gathered around the set nearly an hour ago after finishing their schedules. My face was hot not because of the close proximity to somebody as handsome as Kai, not because of the glare that hooded his dark eyes, but because my patience had run out. “Everybody is waiting for us! Can’t you just act professionally so we can get this done some time this year?”

His eyes widened as if I had slapped him across the face. Note: if you ever want to insult Kai— and I can’t imagine why you would— challenge his idea of professionalism.

Kai’s jaw tightened as he forced his eyes away from me to glance tiredly at Mom. “Manager, do we have to do this? I would really like to avoid a dating scandal.”

My next few words were kind of hypocritical since nobody feared dating scandals more than I did. “A dating scandal? These are pictures for our subunit— for our job. Stop making it weird.”

“It is weird!” Kai argued without looking away from Mom as she pinched at the bridge of her nose. He took two big steps backward, and my hands fell from around his neck to my sides. “And I don’t understand—”

“Just do it like this, Kai!” Baekhyun bounced onto the set, leading Lucas by the hand. After winking at the camera, encouraged by Lucas’s laughter (and Mark’s panicked, “Yo, man, what are they doing?”), Baekhyun threw his arms around Lucas’s shoulders and tossed his head back.

When everyone except me, Mom, and Kai laughed, Baekhyun leaped into Lucas. They toppled onto the hard ground, the only indication that they hadn’t broken their neck or any other bones being their ear-splitting laughter.

“Fine!” Mom was calm despite her sharp increase in volume that made me flinch.  “If you don’t want to be in a subunit with Lei, Kai, then you won’t be.”

While Kai sighed in relief, I wheezed, dejected. My heart sank down to my ankles. It was bad enough to lose the opportunity to be in a subunit with one of the best dancers at S.M., it was worse to lose it at work where I couldn’t express disappointment, and it was worst to lose it in front of Taemin, who stood stiff and red at slack-jawed Taeyong’s side.

Embarrassed and eager to escape the stares, I bowed to Kai and set to scoop Lucas off the floor, where he still laid giggling with Baekhyun, because he would make me laugh hard enough to drive away this sinking sensation.

“Where are you going?” Mom’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “Stay where you are, Lei. Kai—”

She didn’t have to finish the order. I understood mainly from Kai’s wince that he was ejected from our subunit— not me.

“Wait,” Ten said slowly, in time with my realization, “Lei’s subunit is still a thing?” His eyes sparkled. He smiled because the choreography he created for me and Kai would still find an audience.

Lei’s subunit. My subunit. The title was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

Who would replace Kai? I wondered, watching him sulk to Taemin’s side. As Taemin’s eyes flashed to meet mine for the briefest second before he muttered something to Kai— probably words of comfort, probably words to condemn my role in Kai’s semi-public disgrace— I could only think Please not Taemin. Don’t let it be Taemin. Anyone but Taemin.

And I looked at Mom pleadingly, as if she would be able to read those thoughts through my eyes. She blinked back at me.

“Oh my God!” Mark shot both hands up in the air and waved them excitedly. “I’ll be in Lei’s subunit! Let me do it, Momager! Please!”

Oh God. Please not Mark. Don’t let it be Mark. Anyone but Mark.

“Why should you get to do it?” Ten glared up at the standing Mark from his metallic folding chair. “I choreographed their dances, so I should be cast.”

“But I’m, like, the king of subunits!” Mark rose to his tiptoes and waved his arms again in an effort to secure my attention. “If you pick me, Lei, I’ll get you into NCT Dream!”

That was a bit of a running joke— my longtime aspiration to perform with Dream. Hearing it in that moment of high stress made me laugh out loud. One of those side-splitting laughs. Real. Mark smiled at having untangled the knot in my stomach with little effort. In moments like those, I thought it wasn’t so bad that he had a crush on me.

“First of all,” Taeyong interjected, ever the mediator in NCT conflicts, “Mark, you can’t get anyone into Dream—”

“Who do you think talked the agency into making Dream a fixed unit?” Mark’s face turned scarlet as he yelled, and Taeyong didn’t bat a single eyelash.

“— Second of all, Lei doesn’t get to pick who takes Kai’s place.” We all shifted at Taeyong’s casual acknowledgment of Kai’s ejection. “Ms. Kim does. So both of you—” Taeyong eyed Ten and Mark sternly, and I wondered how they didn’t fall apart under his gaze— “be quiet and let her make her decision.”

Mom nodded at Taeyong gratefully. “It’s not much of a decision to make; I’ll just employ the second choice—”

“It’s me, right?” Baekhyun finally jumped off of Lucas, stood upright, and brushed off his all-black suit while flicking his bleached bangs out of his eyes.

Baekhyun’s goofy smile faltered when Mom shook her head. “Lucas, get up. Your dream is coming true: I’m giving you permission to touch Lei.”

“Oh yeah!” Lucas flew to my side.

Before I could wrap my mind around the fact that I would be in a subunit with him— my best friend, my rumored boyfriend— Lucas grabbed me around my waist, which was exposed under a fitted white crop top— and pulled me flush against him into the pose Kai had struggled with for hours. “Leicas forever, suckers!”

As Mom ushered Baekhyun to stand with the others off set, and everybody groaned at Lucas’s ever-enthusiastic embrace of our rumors, I laughed.

The camera flashed at last. Finally relieved enough to breathe, I returned Lucas’s embrace and joked, “Is that going to be our subunit’s name? That silly ship name?”

Lucas laughed as he lowered to press his forehead to mine. That was how things should have been all along: me and Lucas free to smile at each other and express our friendship— as silly and affectionate and beautiful as it was— to the whole world without fearing backlash.

“Look at this.” 

I slid my phone to Lucas across the glossy light wood floor as we sat, stretching in preparation for dance practice. I watched his eyebrows knit together as he scooped the phone into his hands; I watched his jaw fall open as he scrolled past the headline and through the fans’ comments. 

“Hey.” Taeyong kicked at Lucas’s foot before joining us on the floor. Always the leader (even without the title in SuperM), he reminded, “Phones aren’t allowed in practice.”

Lowering effortlessly into a stretch that resembled the splits, Ten defended, “Momager isn’t here yet, so—”

“Look at this!” Lucas shoved my phone into Taeyong’s face. Then, as if Taeyong couldn’t read for himself, Lucas said, “Pop News is writing about the idol who never debuted!”

As Taeyong gripped the phone with his slender hands (and a curious Ten and slack-jawed, messy-haired Mark gathered around him to gawk at the screen), Taemin plopped onto the floor next to me. His knee brushed against mine, and I stiffened while he smiled despite the room’s tension, skin shimmering without the aid of makeup. 

“We don’t have to worry if it’s Pop News,” Taemin said. “They aren’t exactly a credible source— remember how they covered that ‘Any Other Name’ scandal?”

Nobody could forget the chaos surrounding the Korean adaptation of a best-selling novel written by a young American woman. The love triangle between the author, a scandalized actor (Jungkook) and the author’s best friend/famous fashion designer (Jimin) was the biggest scandal in recent history. Everybody knew that gossip as if it were the plot of a classic blockbuster film or an almost distant, almost tangible high school memory, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by Taemin’s reference. 

“You keep up with celebrity gossip?” I asked Taemin quietly, my eyes narrowing to see how this information fit with my conception of him.

Taemin’s face flushed pink. He mistook my interest for criticism as he often did in those days, and I didn’t know how to correct him. 

While trying (and failing) to connect his phone to the Bluetooth speaker, Kai started, “Maybe Pop News isn’t credible—”

“They’re definitely not credible.” Ten crawled to the side of the room to tuck my phone into my bubble-gum pink backpack. Turning back to the group, he grinned, “Pop News is, like, if Mark was a news outlet: cringey, baseless—”

“Hey! I’m not baseless!”

“Anyway.” Kai puffed his cheeks full of air. “Pop News may be a scam, but they have a lot of followers. Sometimes if a lie is heard by enough people, it becomes like the truth.”

It would have been nice to be able to disagree, to believe that truth is truth, and lies are lies, and rumors are just rumors. I wanted to disagree. But I couldn’t. 

Kai continued, “And obviously Pop News isn’t wrong about everything. Jungkook and that author were dating! They’re even engaged now!”

So Kai kept up with celebrity gossip too. Was that the kind of thing he and Taemin talked about over meals? 

While my pulse quickened at the talk about dating scandals and I tried to ease my anxiety by resuming stretches, Baekhyun stirred from his nap in the corner of the room. 

“Well!” Baekhyun yawned. “If you ask me, Momager is the idol who never debuted.” 

“What?” The rest of us shrieked in unison, and Baekhyun laughed like a maniac at our identical wide-eyed open-mouthed expressions. 

“Just think about it! When Taemin, the king of dance—” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Taemin stiffen at Baekhyun’s playful compliment despite the bashful smile pulling his lips taut— “kept screwing up that choreo, Momager demonstrated. And she was no amateur.”

Considering Baekhyun’s evidence, I gnawed on my cheek. Mom was a gifted dancer; her precision, like Baekhyun said, rivaled Taemin’s. No, her precision enabled her to find fault in Taemin— perfect Taemin. 

Baekhyun wouldn’t mention this, but Mom was also a natural singer. She proved that on the first day in the studio when she coached Baekhyun through a challenging run. After he crossed his arms and whined, “What you want is impossible!” she stunned him silent by belting the notes in one attempt. 

But Mom couldn’t be the idol who never debuted, I frowned, because that meant I was the reason—

“Look, Mom is totally hot enough to be an idol,” Lucas smirked before his eyebrows lowered skeptically. “But don’t you think Lei would know if her mom was a former trainee?”

At that remark, everybody turned to face me. 

No, I wouldn’t know if Mom was a former trainee. 

I knew very little about Mom’s past because I hadn’t asked many questions. I knew that I was born in Atlanta, Georgia, her hometown. I knew that I could not remember the last time we spoke to my father. I knew that life didn’t really begin until Mom started her career by managing Super Junior. 

I didn’t remember anything before Donghae started bringing me milkshakes, and Heechul started making me laugh with funny faces, and Ryeowook (or Wookie, as I had always called him) started fitting our tea parties into his busy schedule, and Eunhyuk started unofficially training me to be an idol through dance lessons. I didn’t remember anything before Super Junior became my family. 

As I crumbled under my members’ stares, as I drowned in the guilt of having neglected Mom’s pain if she was the idol who never debuted (in the guilt of knowing I had never asked about her because the spotlight had always been on me), Baekhyun repeated, “Momager is the idol who never debuted!” “What?” 

We all turned to see Mom’s ghostly pale face in the doorway so quickly that we whimpered and rubbed at the backs of our necks. Whiplash. Great. 

“Don’t say stupid things, Baekhyun,” Heechul scolded as he nudged Mom’s motionless body into the dance studio. “Of course Kimberly isn’t a failed trainee! That story about the idol who never debuted is just something we tell you kids—” he jabbed an accusatory finger at me and Lucas— “to keep you from dating!”

Lucas boasted, “I knew it!” And everyone laughed as he triumphantly pumped his fists into the air. 

My laughter was forced, though.  

A glance down at my watch confirmed that Mom was half an hour late; Mom was never late. Heechul never escorted her to her schedules. Heechul never called her by her full name; to him, she had always been Kimi. Heechul never pressed a comforting kiss to the top of her head. 

Something was wrong, and I couldn’t ask what because we were at practice. And I wouldn’t have been brave enough to ask in the privacy of our home. And I wouldn’t have been strong enough to stomach the answer. 

[didanawisgi]

by Bridget Phetasy, September 21, 2020

“Americans aren’t just fleeing liberal strongholds like California, Chicago and New York in droves. We are moving politically, too. As I often find myself caught in the crossfire of the culture wars, I also find myself at the crossroads of this migration.

Since my last column, headlined ‘Why I won’t vote’, I’ve received hundreds of emails from others who feel politically homeless. I’ve also heard from many who have voted Democrat or Republican their entire lives and, for the first time, in 2020 will vote for the opposite party. Lifetime conservatives are voting for Biden. Independents are being radicalized to vote red or blue. People who didn’t vote for Donald Trump in 2016 are enthusiastically voting for him now.

I even heard from a guy who hasn’t voted since Nader but is coming out to support Trump. Many who identify as ‘politically homeless’ are opting to vote third party or, like me, not to vote in the presidential category at all. (Allow me to clarify something I should have made clear in my previous column: I will be voting down ballot.)

I recognize the limitations of anecdotal evidence. But reading hundreds of emails, one starts to see patterns. My overall gut instinct from everything I’m hearing is that I won’t be at all surprised if Trump wins in a landslide — and that the only person who can beat Donald J. Trump is Donald J. Trump.

The first trend I noticed is that it appears the mainstream media massively overplayed their hand and red-pilled a large portion of blue America. Over and over again I hear the same story. People were locked up for months on end. They socially distanced and gave up working in order to ‘flatten the curve’. They missed funerals, weddings, graduations, school and seeing loved ones die. Then came the protests in response to police brutality and for a moment, it seemed like America was united against the police. But then epidemiologists came out in support of thousands of people gathering. It’s only natural that folks sitting at home started to question the information they were receiving. And then came the riots. Undecided Independents, many of whom were leaning toward Biden, cite the riots as having cemented their decision to vote for Trump.

For many former Democrats, the ‘mostly peaceful protests’ were the pivotal moment that they abandoned the mainstream media and started seeking out other perspectives. They began listening to independent journalists and, more importantly, seeking out the source material itself. One man wrote: ‘I started to notice how a lot of what he [Trump] would say the media would take out of context or frame in a negative way. I felt like I’d been lied to for almost four years.’

We shouldn’t underestimate either, the effect of what I call ‘micro-cancellations’. These are the small fallings-out that have happened in friend groups, social circles and families across America in the wake of 2016. Almost every Democrat who is voting for Trump has a personal story about being ostracized, shamed or losing a close friend or family member over politics. I thought perhaps after Hillary’s loss the left would learn that bullying people, tone-policing and punishing people for wrongthink only turns people off. Oh, how wrong I was. In fact, the left reinforced its bubble, doubled down on calling everyone a bigot who didn’t agree with it or dared to question its logic, facts or opinions, and kicked anyone right of Bernie out of the party.

The woke purity tests went mainstream. Out of a desire to go viral or appear virtuous on social media, fellow citizens are snitching on one another and publicly humiliating each other. Rejection is a powerful motivator and it’s staggering to conceive of how many potential allies the left has managed to alienate in four years; so common is this story that it feels self-destructive. As writer Mitchell Sunderland said to me recently: ‘They are a right-wing recruiting machine.’

This is why, despite his personality flaws, many believe Trump is still the lesser of two evils. The thing Trump has going against him is himself. He is incapable of ‘rising to the occasion’. He can’t transcend his baser instincts because that’s exactly who he is. One conservative voting for Biden said something that stuck with me. He explained that he couldn’t vote for Trump and look in the mirror and pretend that character matters.

In many ways, Trump is a black light revealing the human excrement that stains all our institutions, our politicians, our media and our souls. He’s revealed what’s always been there; we just couldn’t see it. Trump doesn’t inspire us to strive for our ideals. He instead gives everyone permission to be the worst versions of themselves. Even people holding their noses and voting for Trump because they like what he’s done ‘on paper’ express disgust and exhaustion with his constant drama, bullying, hypocrisy, blatant lying, cozying up to QAnon and ass-kissing of dictators. They describe him as a ‘bad and selfish person’ or ‘the biggest piece of shit ever’.

One man summed up the internal struggle people are echoing quite succinctly: ‘I’m voting for the most corrupt, self-serving politician I’ve ever seen because the other side won’t stand up against violence, Marxism and race-baiting. I feel like I’m drowning and, in order to keep from going under, I’ve had to throw my arms around a giant, floating turd.’”

This article is in The Spectator’s October 2020 US edition.

[soulofatiny]

No fear, I’m here... Ch.7: exposed

warning(s): none...for now

word count: 2.9k

a|n: i’m so sorry this took longer than i had expected to write. i hope you’ll enjoy! happy reading <3

tag: @dearmingi , i’m not sure if you still wanted to be tagged but here it is!

Ch.8

masterlist

∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘

Set opened his eyes alertly and carried his body off the top bunk, careful not to wake you from your current slumber on the bottom bunk. The phase two facility always required nap time around midday to assist in promoting brain activity. Set always snuck out during this timeframe once he cautiously inspected the facility’s format and came to the conclusion that security was the lowest during this time. 

Now was his chance.

Before he exited out of the door, he looked back one last time at your sleeping figure. The sight of you sleeping so peacefully soothed his heart, taking notice of the blanket that was threatening to fall off of your body and onto the floor.

“Just wait a little longer. I’ll get us out of here,” Set whispered tenderly as he covered you with the blanket once more, then attentively made his way out of his shared bedroom with you. 

Set quietly paced through the cold and empty hallways. His heart was pounding against his chest from the pure fear of getting caught one day. Unlike the others who were selected for ZG’s special program, Set lacked deeply in the physical spectrum, making his travel a lot more difficult. He felt a familiar tickle in his throat and he silently begged that it will remain in its place until he at least exited the building. He suppressed the irritation as much as he could and picked up his pace once he saw the double doors that led him outdoors, keeping his steps as noiseless as he could. The cool metal slammed against his palms when he pushed the doors open and as soon as the doors shut behind him, Set erupted into a harsh coughing fit. 

‘Made it in time…’ he thought to himself as the cough began to cease.

“You made it.” 

Set jolted slightly, startled at the voice but was relieved when he turned to see who it was, Wu. The title translated as the Chinese number five, the 5th one that had arrived in the phase two facility out of ten. 

“Are you okay? Your coughing sounds worse,” Wu stated, tone lingered with worry.

“I’m- fine,” Set cleared his throat once more, still feeling the prickling tingles in his windpipe. 

“Does Professor know?”

Set shook his head.

“How about…Nana…your sister? Does she know?”

“No, and she’ll never know about this,” Set urgently declared, more to himself than to Wu. He knows that Wu wouldn’t be able to tell her anything regardless since no one besides your assigned family member were allowed to speak to each other. 

Wu looked down at his feet awkwardly, unable to find the right words but Set broke the silence instead, “Come on. We should go to the fence, I’m sure Seonghwa is waiting.” Wu nodded in agreement and followed Set to the fence that was more like a gated barrier that kept all of the residents locked in place. There were numerous spots where the trees were large enough to keep them hidden from the security cameras. It took Set roughly two years to find these spots, cautious to make sure he wouldn’t get caught. As they walked, they saw a figure that was standing under one of the hidden areas on the other side of the barricade, close enough for them to converse. Once the figure laid his eyes on them, he smiled and waved, “I thought you two wouldn’t make it tonight.”

“Hey Seonghwa, we were fine. I just had to wait for Set,” Wu replied cheekily.

“Set…have you found out about anything else?”

Set nodded slowly and cleared his throat, feeling the familiar tickle again, “Initiation day is nearing. I’ve gone through Professor’s documents while she wasn’t looking…” he fell into silence, incapable of announcing the despairing date as Wu and Seonghwa stared at him, palms clammy due to nerves. 

“Initiation d-day is on…October 24th,” he finally announced with a stern look on his face. The two boys’ eyes grew wide upon hearing such a statement.

“T-That’s only one week from now, Set! There’s no way initiation day is that soon!” Wu exclaimed as he shook Set’s shoulders, hoping what he had just heard was simply a mistake but Set only adverted his eyes, indicating that it was true.

“Wu…it’s been three years since the 10th one arrived. The date was clearly written on Professor’s documents. It’s time.”

“Set, Wu… how’s the rest of the residents? Have they fallen into ZG’s psychiatric manipulation? Are there more like you two? How many can we save?” Seonghwa asked a little hesitantly, afraid to actually hear his answer. 

“I’ve made sure that Nana still practiced her independent thinking without Professor noticing… so I’m pretty sure that she won’t be manipulated during initiation. As for the rest of them… I think it’s too late…”

The atmosphere instantly became tense and far too heavy. Seonghwa grasped the fence tightly, “Okay…how about you Wu?” 

“I’ve tried b-but my assigned family member...” Wu’s voice cracked, “I-It’s too late…” he finally answered as he covered his burning eyes with his arm.

“I see…” Seonghwa sighed, “We were too late…” 

Set placed his arm on Wu’s shoulder, trying to provide some sort of comfort during this heavy conversation.

Seonghwa let out a shaky sigh once more and extended his hand as far as he could through the spaces of the fence, as looked at the two boys with a determined look, “I’ll get you both out of there. Nana too. We may have been too late…but we can still save three lives.”

The two boys mirrored Seonghwa and reached for his hand. Seonghwa grasped their hands and met their eyes with resolve, “We recently gained two new members and they know a lot about ZG’s organization. With them and including Hongjoong, we will do everything we can to get you all out of there.”

“Thank you, Seong–“

“Brother, where are you? Professor is looking for us!”

The three boys were startled upon hearing your voice that was at a decent distance but was gradually nearing by.

“Brother! Are you out here?” you called out again and waited to hear a response but was only faced with silence. 

You continued to look around and saw two figures standing with another on the other side of the fence. There was no way that an outsider would be near this place since Professor told you before that it was isolated. You rubbed your eyes in disbelief and then looked once more with more focus but only two figures were standing there. 

‘I guess it was my imagination,’ you murmured and made your way over to the two figures alertly to see if one of them was Set and you were surprised to find that one of them was, indeed, your brother.

“Brother…” you called out again, a little more timidly this time since you weren’t used to others being so near.

Your brother and the boy turned to you and Set smiled, “Nana, what’s wrong? Why are you out here?”

“Nap time is over. Professor is looking for us…” you answered as you hid behind Set, who chuckled at your action.

“It’s fine, Nana. This is Wu. We were just out here for some fresh air. Say hi.”

You peeked over Set’s shoulder and made eye contact with Wu who was giving you a friendly smile. You finally moved to your brother’s side and bowed your head slightly, “Hello…”

“Hi Nana~ Don’t worry, I was just leaving. Let’s make our little meeting our little secret from Professor~” Wu answered as he placed his hand on top of your hand gently, and then walked back towards the facility. 

“Come on, Nana. We should go back too,” your brother suggested and you nodded as you both also headed towards the building.

Seonghwa, who was hiding behind one of the trees, let out a relieved breath, “So that’s Nana.. how cute,” he smiled at the sight of you admiring the sky and then shifted his expression more serious and determination in his eyes, “I promise we’ll get you guys out of there.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How is she doing?”

“She seems to be doing better. I’m...really glad she was able to release some of her emotions.” “Me too… it must’ve been suffocating.”

“Well the sooner we get her out of ZG, the better.”

Hongjoong and Seonghwa were currently sitting at the boss’ office, sharing updates upon your well-being. Ever since your mental breakdown, Seonghwa had definitely taken notice on how you were distancing yourself from him. He autonomously let out an extensive sigh, exposing the great stress he felt with how he could help break down your walls completely. When he saw you cry on that one stormy day, he felt as if his heart was physically getting ripped out of his chest. Seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows upon the memory, feeling his chest tighten. He simply wanted to take your pain away. All of it.

“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong called, causing the older boy to take his thoughts elsewhere, “Seonghwa…don’t worry. I don’t intend on dragging this out any longer. It’s time we make our move next.”

-

Roughly two weeks had passed since you unveiled your vulnerable state to Seonghwa and although you tried your best to remain unchanged, his deep voice kept echoing within your mind.

“I’ll never leave you behind.”

His tone was so clear and vivid. It strangely provided warmth and comfort whenever you felt your anxiousness approaching within you. However, all of your ease disappears whenever you encounter Seonghwa as you, for some reason, couldn’t bear to completely face him. Whether if it was the sheer embarrassment of exposing such vulnerability to him or your usual habit of always expecting the worst...you didn’t know. But instead of pondering upon your feelings, you exerted your main focus on the mission you’ve been assigned by your boss but it’s been gradually getting more difficult to do so. Each phone call you make with your boss about the members, it felt as if thorns were prickling your throat when the words left your mouth. You gazed at the members from the sideline of the training room. Although they occasionally fool around, they all work hard. Even Yeosang, who lacks in the areas of combat, works hard by using his intelligence to improve the team. Or even Hongjoong, their just leader. Although he doesn’t always train with the rest of the members, you know he’s always working on something to advance their organization.

“What can I do to stop all of this...” you unknowingly whispered, your thoughts free from your mind. 

“Stop what?” 

You looked towards the direction of the voice, completely aware of who it was. 

It was Yunho. 

He joined you on the benches, sitting next to you. You greeted him, and then took your gaze back at the members. 

“So, stop what?” he asked again as he gazed with you. 

“It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

“Does it matter?”

“It does matter if it’s something that’s bothering you.”

You looked at Yunho, a little stunned, “What?”

You couldn’t tell but his heart began beating a little faster the second he accidentally let the words slip out of his mouth.

“N-Nothing, I didn’t say anything.” He replied trying to remain nonchalant to hide his flustered thoughts. 

“But you just said it does matter if it’s something that’s bothering m–” 

“No. I didn’t,” Yunho replied, a little more defensive.  

“But you said–”

“You’re just imagining things! God, you talk too much...”

Yunho covered his mouth as the words fell out of his mouth. He silently cursed at himself for not being able to say what he truly wants to say, ‘Don’t worry about anything by yourself’ or even ‘I’m always here to help’. However, instead of saying the wishful lines, he always said the exact opposite of what he truly wanted to say and he despised himself for it.

“Excuse me?” you looked at him, eyebrow slightly raised. 

Yunho panicked and proceeded to say the words that didn’t match with his genuine feelings, “I said you talk too much, Gremlin. What about it?” 

“Last time I checked you’re the one who came over here and interrupted my peaceful time,” you stood up abruptly, feeling your body heat up in annoyance and turned to walk away. 

Yunho extended his hand to stop you but the memory of you yanking your hand back when he did it in the past flashed through his mind, and he slowly put his hand back to his side. 

“Shit...” he cursed at himself for making you angry yet once again and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration with himself.  

“Well, that was rough~”

Yunho sighed, not even having to look behind him to know who it was, “I’m sorry I keep pissing your sister off.” 

Yeosang sat next to Yunho, replacing where you were sitting earlier as he chuckled, “Is it really that hard to say ‘Hey, I know you probably think I hate you but I actually care about you and I want you to rely on me more’?” 

“T-That’s not what I wanted to say,” Yunho could feel his cheeks heat up, frustration and now embarrassment building inside him. 

“Oh yeah?” Yeosang nudged Yunho’s arm and continued teasing, “Then was it, ‘I didn’t think I would fall for you but I actually did and don’t know what to do with my feelings’?” 

“What?” Yunho stared at him astonished, “Feelings for who? The only feelings I have for her is pure dislike. Remember? I don’t want her here. I never did and I never will.”

The words were harsh but both Yeosang and Yunho himself knew that it was far from the truth. Yunho could feel his friend stared at him in amusement and he deeply wished he could simply shrink away from this situation so he stood up a little hastily to make his escape.

“I just remembered I have something to do.”

“Oh? Suddenly?” Yeosang asked, completely satisfied with the flustered state Yunho was in.

Yunho walked away and gave him a small wave, avoiding to look at him. 

“Hey, Yunho! Thanks for at least trying to make her feel better even though you ultimately failed!”

Yunho tripped over his own feet upon hearing Yeosang’s words but finally managed to exit out of the basement with some dignity still left within him although the red hue completely overtook his complexion.

“No…No there’s no way,” he mumbled to himself in disbelief. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stormed out of the basement, anger completely rid from your mind. Deep down, you knew that Yunho only approached you to help despite both of you always clashing in the end. As you were walking down the hallway, you saw Hongjoong walking from the opposite direction.

“Ah, y/n! I was about to call everyone for a meeting. You can go ahead and go to the assembly room. We’ll be there soon.”

A meeting? Was Jongho spending too much money on food again? Or maybe he wanted to talk about Wooyoung’s sleeping habits? You truly couldn’t read the expression on the leader’s face so you simply nodded in agreement as you both parted ways. Upon reaching the assembly room, you knocked three times. A habit that you have formed each time you’ve entered your boss’ office. Shuffling footsteps could be heard on the other side of the door as the door clicks open. Your heart paused for a moment when Seonghwa’s face was revealed as the door opened and if your attentive self was correct, you noticed his eyes widening slightly before clearing his throat and asking you to come in. You mumbled a small thank you and complied, taking a seat on one of the chairs that surrounded an oval table. Certainly, a professional assembly room. Seonghwa closed the door and took a seat that was two spaces from yours, keeping a safe distance. 

“You know you didn’t have to knock. You can enter assembly rooms freely.”

“I know…it’s just a ha–”

Your voice was cut off when the door opened once more, revealing Hongjoong and the rest of the members with some chattering as they walked in one by one. You silently thanked the timing for clearing the awkward atmosphere as they each took a seat, except for Hongjoong who remained standing at the very edge of the table. 

Yeosang sat next to you, “I can tell this meeting is going to be a serious one.”

You looked at him questionably, “How can you tell?”

“Just from the look on his face,” he whispered. 

“Let’s begin,” the leader announced. The room was immediately filled with silence and earned everyone’s attention. Could everyone truly tell that this was going to be a “serious” meeting?

“I’ll cut to the chase,” the leader continued, tone unwaveringly directive, “Y/n.”

You stiffened at the mention of your name as the members including Yeosang turned to face you.

“I know about the secret mission that ZG had assigned to you.”

∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘∘

-e|n: should i release shorter chapters but more often or release longer chapters but not as often??? please let me know! also please anticipate the next chapter. there’s going to be some drama ahead...

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[prydon]

a ( VERY LONG) long island geek rundown

aka me just rambling on about paul for paragraphs upon paragraphs, complete with pictures.

so i went to the con with the lovely @haiileyrutledge aka maggie who drove me all the way there from the philly bus station (god bless), it was our first time meeting in person and i still can’t really believe we did this just a few months after we were just kinda joking about going together on twitter when we hardly knew each other

literally the first second we walked into the con, before we’d even gotten our badges, paul mcgann was sitting RIGHT THERE at his autograph table and i may or may not have started aggressively hitting maggie in the shoulder and freaking out and hissing “he’s there, HE’S THERE” and she had to drag me past him so we could get our badges

then we sat in on the panel before his to make sure we got good seats for his. it was a panel with wendy padbury and frazer hines and they were adorable!! by the end of their panel we were literally buzzing tho bc we knew what was next

when paul came in the first thing he did was squint up at the ceiling and complain about the brightness of the lights, like “oh this is quite harsh isn’t it” so they turned them down for him, much to maggie’s chagrin bc she’s a photographer and it made it very hard to take nice photos (look forward to her uploading her photos btw, she got some GREAT shots regardless of lighting)

then we all sang happy birthday to paul, per the interviewer’s instructions! it was v cute. someone uploaded a video of it on youtube. (i took one too, but it was much worse quality)

first question the interviewer asked was what the secret to paul’s eternal youth was, which paul took a SUSPICIOUSLY long time thinking about before finally just claiming it was his insomnia. how not sleeping is supposed to make you look better i have no idea, but it’s clearly not hurting paul’s appearance, despite him “not having slept since the nineties” (his words)

and so on went the panel. it was quite fun, and though i’d heard almost all the anecdotes paul told before, they weren’t ones he’d told a million times and the interviewer asked interesting questions about his brothers and some of his earlier roles.

he also asked him about holby- the most recent episode, even- which i was not expecting lol. he asked paul if gaskell was really dead, and paul was just like “lol it’s a soap, who knows what could happen” and joked about another soap character whose death had turned out to be a dream. 

also of note is that paul never called gaskell by name once and exclusively referred to him as “doctor death” lmaooo. i actually know why this is- he mentioned on a radio show a week or so ago that a holby city fan yelled “doctor death!” at him in the street once- but he didn’t....explain this background to the panel audience, so i’m sure many were baffled by it :”D the interviewer was like “so your most recent role, professor john gaskell-” and paul was literally like “ah, yes. doctor death!” asoifjsaij what a dork

^ this pic is actually from the sunday panel but god, actual dork with a heart of gold paul mcgann being juxtaposed next to menacing shots of “doctor death” was never not hilarious 

speaking of holby, I GOT TO ASK HIM A QUESTION DURING THE Q & A, and i asked him what it was like working with guy henry! he said working with old friends is tough bc they know all your acting tricks lol. he went on gently roast guy and say he’s looked like he was 40 since they were at rada and that one of their professors told guy that he was the kind of person who wouldn’t find real success until he WAS like 40 bc he just had one of those faces, and lo and behold, that was case. notably, paul said all of this while holding eye contact with me since it was my question, and i was literally trembling by the end of his response bc i can barely hold eye contact with my family members let along PAUL JOHN MCGANN

he also said “fuck” at one point. at another he pulled the cap off his water bottle with his teeth and maggie and i were both like...*sweating*

after that we got our photo ops! then managed to get some food in us, and then i went to get paul’s autograph and give him his bday gift, which i already detailed here [x] so i won’t get into that. notably he also called maggie photogenic and said their photo op looked like a housewarming photo of a couple just moving in. we were both dying afterwards.

theeeen that evening i attended a dinner party for fans with vip passes that the stars also attended! the food was v yummy. there was ice cream too.

unfortunately i didn’t end up at paul’s table, but i was at the table next to him so i may have eavesdropped. my table had jon davey, who plays cybermen and daleks and ood etc, and who was very funny and decidedly attractive, and who at one point pulled out his phone and showed me this video while nearly dying of laughter over it

paul was actually late to the dinner because he crashed a painting panel!!

^ here’s him painting his tardis picture with his dorky ass reading glasses on. what an old man. i love him

he did show up eventually, and ended up drinking a decent amount of red wine and i’m pretty sure got tipsy and at one point misheard the person next to him as saying “penis hands” and was like “penis hands???? PENIS HANDS???”

all my table ended up leaving early but paul’s all stayed hanging on his every word bc that’s the effect he has on people :’)) so i ended up scooting over there just to listen. at one point his assistant came over and whispered to me that paul HAD gotten the letter i gave him with his gift and he WOULD read it tonight and i was like “omg no it’s ok, i didn’t need him to reply asap or anything, i just wanted him to have it!!”

i left the dinner when paul left- his table were the last ones out- and maggie was outside the dinner waiting for me and may have collapsed into a fit of giggles when she saw paul. then we went to our airbnb and fuckin CRASHED because we were so damn exhausted

on to SUNDAY

i started placing bets on what paul would be wearing that day on sunday morning, since i know he only has like three different con outfits that he wears. lo and behold we get to the con and he’s wearing THE EXACT SAME CLOTHES AS SATURDAY. like, down to the scarf and shoes. they were 100% the same.

idk why he was, but he must have washed them, or he must be an ethereal being incapable of sweating because he was just as nice and fresh as the previous day [shrug]

we wandered around the dealer’s room for a bit, maggie bought a vinyl from a charity sale booth and i bought a couple dwms with bb eight on them bc why not

my lovely internet friends and fellow paul superfans @savageinkspillage and @paulmcgannlesbian both paid me to buy them autographs, and i was happy to oblige because it meant i got to talk to paul again

i went up to his booth and he said “good to see you again!!” and told me he was so touched by the birthday card :”0 and thanked me again for the drawing!

i told him what names to sign to for the autographs and there was an incredible moment where i told him to address one to “brittany” and his brain like. short-circuited and he tried to spell it out to me except he spelled it some ridiculous white mom way like “B-R-I-T-N-I-Y” or something and i just stared at him for a moment not sure if he was fucking with me before being like “.....no?”

once i told him “two t’s” he got it and said “like the place!!” and asked me if i knew where brittany was in a stern teacher voice and i was p sure it was france but not 100% so i was just like “d-don’t quiz me”

he also let me take pictures of him holding the autographs that i could send to my friends, which was very sweet!! here’s him with @savageinkspillage‘s.

he was very determined that we let them dry before taking them because he didn’t want them to be smudged, and blew gently on them himself like a dork.

before we could go, he also fully just was like “give me a hug” and got up and hugged me AGAIN. THREE PAUL MCGANN HUGS IN ONE WEEKEND. T H R E E.

then after he hugged me he noticed the bowie vinyl that maggie had just bought in the dealer’s room and was like “!!!!!! is that a vinyl!!!! can i see!!!”

maggie was like “of course” and handed it over and he was FAWNING over the thing and promptly informed us that it was definitely an original print bc it was made of a special sort of material only used to make records in the 70s, and that it had never been played. maggie said she got it for $10 and he was like “TEN BUCKS??”

he also sniffed it because apparently “that’s what you did with vinyls” and took it out of its sleeve (with maggie’s permission) and freakin’ messed with it to show us how bendy the materal was before giving it back to maggie and emphatically telling her to “treasure that”.

he asked us where we got it and i said it was at a table in the dealer’s room, next to where they were keeping his painting from the night before. upon hearing about the painting he was immediately like “noooo don’t remind me of that!! i’m so ashamed!!” and i was like “WTH PAUL NO IT WAS SO GOOD”

here’s paul’s painting!! it’s lovely!!

also at one point maggie’s hoop earring fell out and full on, like, made a break for paul mcgann and rolled behind his chair. she was embarrassed but he just picked it up and messed with it, feigning putting it on his ear and saying he wished he was a girl so he could wear earrings like that and i was like “you should get your ears pierced!” because he SHOULD. he just laughed.

we literally had a whole, like, probably 10 minute conversation with him and he was just so lovely and funny and warm and thanked me one last time for the drawing before we walked away soasifjsaoifj 

THEN it was time for his sunday panel!! it was a great change of pace from usual panels, it was called “doctor’s orders” and run by a podcaster who’d based it on advice columns- basically, he asks paul a bunch of questions looking for advice that he’d gathered from fans and paul had to impart his wisdom.

here are just a few choice tidbits from the panel:

q: what do i do if my boyfriend never puts the toilet seat down? paul: get rid of him

q: there are beehives in my house, what do i do?? paul: don’t kill them!! bees are our friends. move out. let the bees have the house instead

q: boxers or briefs? paul: briefs. *pointed look at audience* some of us need the support.

he was asked the trolley problem and said without hesitation that he would move the trolley to kill the one instead of the five. he also endorsed stealing from businesses to feed the hungry (unsurprising because *cough* he’s a socialist). he revealed that he shoplifted all the time as a kid as a right of passage in working class liverpool and asked the audience to raise their hands if they’d ever shoplifted. when a decent amount did, he called it a sign of a healthy society. he doted on his sons quite a bit which was adorable, and said he was the “soft touch” when they were growing up while mum was bad cop.

at one point he said if liverpool won the premiere league he’d “sit naked here in front of you” and then immediately was like “...i don’t know why i said that.” the audience was roaring with laughter the entire time. it was legitimately the funnest panel i’ve ever been too :’0 and we had front row seats!!

at the end, the host opened the panel up to the audience to ask their advice questions, and maggie asked one about how to survive while studying abroad in london next year. paul gently ribbed her at first being like “well, remember to sleep and eat” but then reassured her “you’ll be fine” and i could physically feel her melting beside me.

after the panel he chatted a bit with the women next to us, who i know to be old guards of paul mcgann fandom. i didn’t hear much but i did hear paul refer to “that brexit shit” lol.

the last time maggie and i saw paul, he seemed to be leaving the con and nearly tripped over a remote control cybermat on the way out, which was cute.

all in all...i really don’t have words for how amazing this was. i couldn’t have asked for a better environment to meet my favorite actor in, and i have gained so many wonderful memories that i can’t even keep track of them all, and i can’t wait to do it again.