#but I have no appetite to eat anything
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I was hoping to write today even just a little but I’ve had such bad brain fog that isn’t helped by the fact I haven’t had an actual meal all day (I ate crackers and a bag of takoyaki flavoured potato chips) ough tomorrows another day
#rotten melk#TW food#??????#like I know I need to eat and it will make me feel better#but I have no appetite to eat anything#and everything needs washing up and we have nothing that’s like#quick easy I can just make simple#going out to 7 after hubby finishes stream and grab myself a sandwhich#bcos I doubt they’d have any good meals out at this time#then that way I’ve had some food that’s not a snack#gonna play dbd and read fanfic and hope I feel better tomorrow
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-Convo with a Yuu who doesn't like eating-
Malleus: Love, I do understand that you're not overly fond of eating, but perhaps you should eat more if only for the sake of your health. Look at your wrists: skin and bones. I might accidentally snap you in half if you continue like this.
Yuu: Please snap me in half.
Malleus: ... Perhaps you should learn to say things at their appropriate time and place, as well.
#it's me#i'm overly thin yuu#I don't have an appetite for anything much#and it's difficult to force myself to eat#twisted wonderland#ventique rambles#malleus draconia#malleus x reader
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Had a teensy tiny breakdown at work and ended up telling the new manager about my bipolar. She sent me home an hour early and told me to take tomorrow off.
This might mean that actually talking about what's wrong is better than just bottling things up and letting them kill you from the inside. But I know this isn't something I'm going to learn from.
Anyway, ended up spending like 20 minutes crying across the street from work afterwards because I am a mess 👍
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does anyone know if we have to roll that rock up the hill again tomorrow
#so to recap what we all know if we're following the Angela is Sickly series#i can't eat tree nuts. i can't eat trail mix that has come in contact with tree nuts. i am uneasy about eating anything that has been in a#facility with tree nuts because i have had allergic reactions just as severe from cross-contamination as i have had from straight up#eating walnuts. the one exception to this rule is pistachios because i have yet to have an issue with them#i don't eat pecans anymore because i had a reaction. almonds are on thin ice i don't really eat them#also. also i dislike nuts. it's not a hard rule but i don't like them at all. i am not a picky eater they just happen to be one of the#foods i dislike they're a bad texture and they taste like wood. except for the beautiful pistachio#and then we have the alpha gal allergy so. it's not Nearly as severe in terms of life-threatening anaphylaptic response but#the trade-off is a week-long world ending stomachache. which is extremely not fun and also could at any point randomly turn into#a more severe allergy so i. sort of don't fuck with it. there are exceptions that i regret every time because ouch. no red meat.#similarly. we respond not too great to dairy. can't have a lot. can't be fixed by lactaid pills or anything because it's not lactose#intolerance it's an allergy. so. no tree nuts except pistachios. no red meat. light dairy. i am twenty pounds underweight.#my doctor told me to keep red meat in my diet if i couldn't maintain my weight and uh. Bad News i can't maintain weight but also it's a#massive trigger so what the fuck do i do here. to be allergic to some of the most caloric and fatty foods out there#tried to start up boosts and i will continue doing so but im getting stomachaches from them too. like the fuck do u do#im eating eggs and avocado and olive oil and peanut butter etc and im still losing weight. i don't ever have an appetite#gets to a point where im like Well we might end up in a fucking hospital because i keep losing weight and idk why#tests aren't showing anything other than alpha gal and minor inflammation we don't have a reason for#tomorrow i will fucking have egg and avocado and olive oil and butter and a boost and an antispasmodic and water and#i will get a stomachache again and be tired again. Onward!#i would feel so much better if i could gain weight and i can't. what do. im so tired all the time <3 15.8bmi <3
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when the week is about to start I tell myself it’s okay! I still have 4pm - 9pm to Do Stuff I Like after work and when I come home it’s like. No energy. Migraine. Fatigue. Let’s just bedrot
#and I wanna eat something but my appetite is non existent still and I can’t for the life of me think of anything I actually would like the#taste of in my mouth#but I also wanna have a teatime snacky so bad#😔#nuuralshams
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my cousin might have given her 2 year old baby girl an eating disorder:)
#she has always been weird about the stuff the baby ate like she wasn't allowed to eat anything '''unhealthy'''#because she doesn't want the baby to be FAT:)))#so now the baby is in the hospital because she's having trouble ingesting stuff and has like basically no appetite ever#why is my entire fucking family fucked up in the head jesus christ#of course it's not proven yet but we cant help but think about this stuff since all she gives the baby is like apple slices and water#im so mad she's such a sweet baby and i dont want her to be sick:(#btw the baby is way too small for her age and still completely bald at 2 years old. definitely not because she didn't get enough nutrition#during the pregnancy (my cousin was heavily dieting the whole time) and after her birth (fucking apple slices)#like give me the baby i could raise her better
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Failed a social interaction 0 injured 1 killed (me)
#Today has been so long 😭😭😭 I've been out the whole day studying and when I came back I spent more than one hour to cook my probably gone–#bad chicken (and rice and spinach) and then I couldn't even eat it because it was my turn to clean the kitchen at the dorm (which is the–#third following day I'm doing) (worth mentioning I'm running on 5 hours of sleep)#And I was goofing around with my friends but while doing so I. made fun of the landlord. And then one friend told me “hey girl he's right–#outside” and like 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I hope I die painfully. I need to be back next year and he already makes my life hard enough and hhhhhhhhhhh#I wasn't even like. Serious. It was just to joke around with my friends I don't have anything against him (except for the things I do)#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#And now I feel so embarrassed I have no appetite at all + the chicken (which I had to bring home through one hour walk in summer which–#probably wasn't good for it. And then froze one day past the expiration day) (I really need to get better eating habits) I had been–#preparing despite taking one hour to cook it I got the firing wrong and now it's all hard and honestly not very good and like 😭😭😭#Look at what you did to the (frankly already diseased) chicken#I feel so betrayed by everything 😭😭😭 Can life get a little easier#I'm mostly kidding I'm doing okay. I just need to rant because I CAN'T GET OVER THE LANDLORD THING MAN HOW DO I FORGET ABOUT IT.#This kind of things always haunts me for at least three days so 😭😭😭#I'm dead tired but I really wanted to answer asks today so. Probably doing so between today and tomorrow#Rant over sending lots of l love 💞💞#random rambles#In my defense it's not my fault I'm too poor to throw the chicken away 😪😪 I haven't eaten since forever#It's also not my fault I can't afford a new non sticking pan so I have to stick (ah) to the probably toxic one#It is very much my fault for messing up the chicken cooking temperature tho lol
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noooooooo not more symptoms pls :(
#I thought my appetite was coming back but now I’m starting to feel gross and nauseous AFTER eating#why is this happening I’ve never experienced this before#I’m tempted to just ignore it because there’s no reason I should be having a new symptom#I haven’t changed anything about my diet or habits or whatever#idk I just. blegh#ramblings#personal#vent
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Yea I didn’t rly acknowledge it continuing off that post you need to be normal about people who do drugs recreationally as well as addicts especially if you’re a self proclaimed leftist
#charlie talks#I was gonna quit smoking a little while ago bc I was stressed and dependent on it#what I really needed to do was dump my ex but I digress I hadn’t done it yet and was scared to#but I was clean for a month before breaking my sobriety#and I had two friends I told in the car and one was like oh charlie :(#and the other was like THATS SO BAD. CHARLIE OH MY GOD. NO THATS SO BAD WHY DID U DO THAT#PSA! don’t do that#and like what kinda question is that. I smoke when I’m stressed and I was stressed#well I used to now I’m chillin with it#obviously it would only be a positive if I quit but like again I’m chillin I’m otherwise healthy#it helps my appetite (I have history with eating disorders as well as food ocd and probably autism)#it helps me sleep (insomnia and chronic nightmares) and it do help me chill (I have crazy bad anxiety)#so hey it may not be the best fix for those things but I’m in control#pot especially is only mentally addictive#trust me I’ve had withdrawal from several medications before#also if your friend is struggling with anything harder than pot like you need to be calm and patient#otherwise they’re gonna go home and have another hit you dumbass!
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covid precautions: smoking fat dabs all day so you hack up everything in your lungs before anything can get in there
#i do it to clear my sinuses quite often actually lol especially recently bc of allergies#weed affects me so much differently than most people it's weird#i mean i definitely get a high from it but it makes me more clear-headed and helps with my anxiety#(doesn't help with the adhd)#it's the only way i can eat bc my stomach and appetite have been ruined by 12 years of multiple medications#i can go out and do anything and interact with anybody after smoking an amount of weed that would make someone else see Shadow People#i think one of the reasons it affects me differently is bc my body lacks the enzyme to break down thc from edibles#i've tried 800mg thc in a chocolate bar once and it did nothing. which like if you smoked an entire gram of wax at once.#50mg from the same chocolate made my mom so high she was scared.#so yeah i guess it just hits me differently#maybe it's because my mom smoked weed when she was pregnant with me?#actually that would kinda make sense ngl#.bdo
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hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3
#not feeling so great lately...there's a lesion on my other knee now#and it most likely is cancer.#they want me to wait another 10 days for an mri???? like ur crazy#if u think i can wait that long.#sighhhhhhhhh.#anyway.#some cool things have happened#like spending all day in nyc with my partner on friday <3333#and um. i did wnt to vent about smth so uh.#ED tw#lately#my energy has been too low for me to wanna cook. which in turn made my stomach shrink a LOT#since i've been surviving by grazing on snacks.#and i didnt even realize i lost weight until i went to the doctor.#i didnt realize though that it would be even MORE lost when i weighed myself without my winter clothes#and uhhhh. i currently weigh what i weighed in my senior year of high school#which is the FIRST time i've been under a certain number in over SIX YEARS.#and i havent struggled at all w body negativity or ED thoughts in over a couple years. but.#now that my ideal gender expression has shifted more to the feminine side. and now that ive lost weight.#my brain INSTANTLY latched onto that#and was like omg YES do more of that#and it feels nice. this time im FINALLY not struggling to suppress my appetite!!! my body is doing that for me!#and obviously im still eating enough to live on#but still a huge caloric deficit. and rn my wheelchair shit keeps breaking on me. my mobility company is INCOMPETENT.#and my insurance might tell me i have to wait FIVE MORE YEARS for another type of chair......I WILL DIE BY THEN.#ugh everything is so complicated now. and im ALWAYS exhausted bc the sun sets at 4:30. i've just stopped binging and i replaced it with+#a LOT. of retail therapy. i've easily spent probably 1500 of my credit limit in the last 2 months. but you know.#that and not eating are 2 of the ONLY things i can control rn. out of all the fucking bullshit these useless people and my body put me thru#anyway. i'm sure you can tell how i feel rn. i'm just going to try doing anything else today.#vent
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god I hate thanksgiving.
#i got away with not going last year but... idk if i can this year#well. i mean i CAN. im 24. i just don't want anyone (my mom) to be weird about me not going#it's just stressful and i never eat anything while there anyways...#too overwhelmed to have an appetite
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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man how do people deal with the constant unceasing hunger. this sounds like a shitpost but actually if this keeps up it may be my telltale heart
#marzi speaks#prednisone man….. god#it’s extra weird for me as someone who’s had appetite issues for the past few years#to go from not really wanting to eat half of the time to literally always and constantly be thinking about food#just. always. in the back of my head#even when i’m not physically hungry my body sends me hunger signals. i want to tear up my pantry right now even though i am perfectly fed#and if i ate anything more tonight i’d be overeating and risk hurting my stomach#like….. what. and it’s always there i am Always Hungry. how does thet work. why does that happen#hopefully it gets easier when i start the taper in a couple days#i think i only have like. 2 more days of 50mg. then it’ll be halved so that should be easier to deal with#but man. steroids brain is a really weird one to navigate
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I think perhaps when my psychiatrist asks me how my appetite is maybe possibly I shouldn't say it's fine 🤔
#i don't KNOW 😭😭#but i am realizing#ill be hungry and not be in the mood for any kind of food#so im hungry but i dont want to eat anything#or ill be hungry but not feel like going through the process of eating 💀#which sometimes means i don't want to get up and cook#but sometimes i literally feel like i dont have the energy to perform the task of using a fork and chewing#even tho im hungry#ive never really thought about that stuff before...... but my doctor always asks about my appetite#and im always like idk i think its fine :)#but i just saw her last week for the first time in a few months#and now I'm thinking about it.......#i dont have another appointment with her for 3 more months tho 😭#i guess i should bring it up to my therapist#...... SKDNSK????#why is this actually an epiphany. thats probably really not normal#like 😭😭😭
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It’s almost 6 a.m and I can’t sleep because I’m being plagued by thoughts of The Latest OC
#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#Jia is genuinely making me lose my mind#right now the aftermath interests me a bit more because I live for emotional whump and angst#just.. imagine being her parents#you beg for your daughter’s life and your plea is listened to. she’s released. having proved herself useless. you barely recognise her#she’s nothing like the upbeat and cheerful girl you raised who loved working in this palace. who loved her lady#she’s so thin. hollow cheeks and empty eyes. she barely reacts to anything but Lord Jusamah’s voice which makes her flinch#you’re afraid to even hug her in case she disappears like a ghost would. something is very very wrong with her#you remember the rumours that she was tortured for the information. she looks like she’s starving#it’s clear she was hurt. she wouldn’t act like this if she wasn’t. you’re scared to think of what is hidden beneath her clothes#you want to lunge at Lord Jusamah and strangle him with your bare hands. inflict everything he’s done to your daughter on him tenfold#but you can’t. he’s rich and you aren’t. he has power and you don’t. if you try.. none of you are seeing the sun ever again#you barely care. it would be worth it. but you have two other children to worry about. and Jia deserves her freedom#so all you can do is drop to your knees. press your forehead to the floor. and thank him for his kindness#you tell Jia that you’re taking her home. alertness returns to her for but a moment#‘home?’ her whisper sounds so sad. so broken. you can barely stand it#you rush home as fast as you can. she’s so skittish it hurts. she feels the sun on her face and doesn’t move for a good 10 minutes#you can’t bring yourself to say anything. one of you goes ahead to warn the family so the children won’t crowd her#you finally make it to your house and Jia looks at it as if it was a mirage. she touches the wall to ensure it’s real#the first thing you do is help her take a bath. the sight of her back fuels you with bloodlust. there’s no untouched spot on it#your sweet gentle girl was whipped until criss crossing scars covered every last inch. it must have been hell#you bandage her wounds and take her to eat. she gorges herself on it as if someone would take it away. some light returns to her eyes#she always had a good appetite. at least that didn’t change. after lunch you let her sleep in your own bed#instead of making her share with her siblings and cousins. she needs space. she passes out the second her head hits the pillow#you stay and keep watch. and when the first night terror occurs. you’re ready. her screams are impossibly loud#you wake her. calm her down and hold her hand as she falls back asleep. recovery won’t be an easy road#but you walk it anyway. and with time. she gets better. she returns to her old self. only some traces of that horror remain#she’s happy again. smiles a lot. helps out. plays with the younger kids. she’s the Jia you know and love#she has nightmares. her scars hurt. no one touches her back. she’s paranoid about food. but she’ll be okay. you’re sure of it#(I reached the tag limit again but at least I said all I had in mind. but I could probably ramble on about this for ages…)
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