#but Astarion actually kinda looks like he’s looking at Halsin

[altacctforastarion]

May I request astarion and his tav living in the underdark together post game nsfw and sfw if that's okay

Oh hell yeah! Thanks for requesting anon!

I think that Astarion and Tav kinda rule over the underdark, so I’m setting this right from the jump where they go there to live and the spawns are like wtf do we do and then doing a time jump to them actually having to be the rulers. There’s a bunch of fluff and domestic life in this one, as well as Underdark politics lmao. Kinda went crazy with you and Astarion building what might as well be a fucking city down there.

I hope you like it!

Warnings: obvi 18+, mdni, nsfw content, blood drinking.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this? We can go stay with Halsin or something, there’ll be no shortage of creatures now that the shadow curse is gone.” You ask tentatively, he doesn’t like to be coddled, but he looks afraid as you approach the entrance to the Underdark, and it makes your heart ache. He’d already told you he wanted to come here and build “disgusting cave life” with you, but that night he’d whispered, anxious and vulnerable in ways he still wasn’t used to, that he wanted to check on the spawn and make sure they were doing ok and staying out of trouble. As you got closer he’d begun talking more, anxious chattering, and his hand hadn’t left yours, his grip tight as though you were his lifeline.

“You just want to see the bear again, don’t you?” He tries to joke, but you give him a pointed look and he drops the facade with an annoyed “hm” sound, “No I’m not ready. I cursed so many of them to the very life I’ve hated for two centuries, and then I would have sacrificed them if not for you. They have every right to hate me and now here I am, showing up at their door, but I need to know what’s become of them.”

You choose not to push, to remind him that if they hated him as much as he feared they could have killed him when he was weakened after killing Cazador, but they didn’t, instead they listened to him when he said to go to the Underdark and here they remain. “Alright, Astarion, then let’s go in and see how they’re doing. But if you want to leave we will, no questions asked, you just say the word and I’ll follow.”

He pulls you closer with the hand still holding yours and holds you close with the other, “Thank you, I know you will. I love that you mean that.” He kisses you deeply, sweet and slow, lovingly, before letting you go and wordlessly entering the cave in front of you.

It’s strange being back here, but a lot of things are strange now, sleeping during the day and staying up all night with Astarion, living a life with significantly less danger, seeing far fewer people than before. The two of you follow the winding paths until you hear voices, and you stop, afraid of scaring the spawn that watch you from the darkness.

“We mean you no harm. Please come out so we can talk.” Astarion makes his voice gentle, placating, like he’s trying to tame a beast. “My name is Astarion, I’m-“

“We know who you are, brother.” You recognize the voice, it belongs to Dalyria, one of Astarion’s ‘siblings’. She walks around a bend in cave ahead of you, “It’s good to see you, both of you,” she nods in your direction, eyes flitting to your hand in his, “in one piece, I hear Baulder’s Gate wasn’t so lucky.”

“It’s being rebuilt as we speak, the Harper’s and the guild have a little alliance going, it’s kind of-“

She cuts him off, “Why are you here, Astarion?”

“I-“ he looks at you, for a moment, and squeezes your hand as he continues, “We are here to make sure you’re all doing well. We want to help you.”

“Doing well? We have our freedom, some of us haven’t had that in centuries, some of us are children, and we’re confined to these caves in the shadows, we have no homes, just tents we’ve barely managed to put together and some of them can barely manage their hunger. Then there’s the damn Myconids-“ Her voice is raising slightly, annoyance and exhaustion can be heard very clearly in her tone, her hands moving as she talks, clenching into fists when she mentions the Myconids.

“We can help with them, at least. We’re friends with the Myconids, what do you need?” You interject, trying to calm things down. Astarion needs this to work out, and you both need a place to live. Not to mention you’re bleeding heart, the ever present need to help people in need, and there are currently seven thousand people that need your help.

She looks at you, contemplating, a bit of hope shining through the annoyance on her face, “We need more space, and there’s plenty on the other side of their colony but we can’t split up the group, we need to stay together, and that means we need to go through their colony to get to either side. And we’ve seen merchants going into the colony, we need supplies.”

“Darling, do you think you could convince our singing mushroom friends to help our cause?” Astarion looks at you with a smile, he already knows the answer, he’s travelled with you long enough to know you can persuade anyone of anything, and the Myconids seemed to love you when you were there last.

“Of course. We can go right now, it’ll be nice to see them again.” You turn to Dalyria, “On the condition that we can stay here. We’ll help however we can but we need a place to live.”

“Handle the mushrooms and you can even pick a place to make your tent.” She smiles for the first time, seeming more relaxed as she looks back at your partner, “Gentleness suits you, Astarion.”

—

It doesn’t take long to persuade the Myconids to give the spawns access to their colony, their peaceful melody playing in your heads as you explain why the spawns are here, that they only seek survival, the same as the Myconids do.

Astarion watches as you smile at them, thanking them for their cooperation and promising the spawns are no threat to their beautiful colony. He listens to the song change again as you tell them that the two of you will be staying here, and he thinks to himself that only you can make sentient mushroom sound so happy to be in your presence.

—

Dalyria greets you as you return to their group, an expectant look on her face, “Well? How did it go?”

“The Myconids will allow everyone safe passage, but they will kill anyone who threatens their colony, and that includes the merchants. I suggest only those who can control their hunger go to the other side and travel through the colony. Also, I’ll look topside for merchants who sell livestock, if we can get some animals breeding we can eventually have enough for everyone.”

“Great. You two have fun with that.” She says, and to your shocked expressions she adds, “It was your idea to have us come here, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m sick of playing leader. So, have fun leading and planning and whatever else.” She walks away before you can respond, waving over her shoulder.

“Well, darling what do you say? Do you want to be a leader again? You were rather good at it the first time around, saving the world and all.” He’s grinning at you as he pulls you close to him, his arms wrapping around you and his forehead pressing against yours, and you notice that he doesn’t seem power hungry like when he planned to ascend, he’s not pushing for your acceptance (though, Dalyria didn’t seem like she was asking so much as telling you that you were the new leaders), he’s simply asking you if you’d like to take this on. And really, how could you say no to this new adventure?

—

You’re smiling as you return to the Underdark, happy to be done with a very long day of topside negotiations, eager to find Astarion and tell him about your successes.

You find him in the sheep’s pen, refilling their feed and talking to a horse as he works. He’s never bothered to learn Speak With Animals like you did, but he was rather fond of this particular horse, and the horse follows him from pen to pen each day. You decide to listen to him talk until he notices you.

“I don’t really like the boars, those filthy things, not very friendly either. Well, not to me or anyone but them. Of course they’re friendly with them, everyone and everything is. Can you blame them?” You smile, and fight the urge to laugh, unwilling to let him know you’re here. The horse notices you anyways, and you press a finger to your lips.

He looks away, but speaks to you anyways, “Hello, friend. Other friend has talked about you all day. And the boars.”

“I know, and they even let me bite them, so generous. They mentioned they’d get you more treats before they left, you know.”

The horse gives you away then, walking in your direction, “Where are the treats, human?”

Astarion spins around at what must sound like a very loud horse sound to his ears, and you watch as he blushes, “Darling! How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to hear about your problem with the boars and also-“ you’re cut off by the horse demanding his treats, and you get some sugar cubes out of your pack, holding them out to him. “Also that I’m so very generous.”

“I take back everything I said, sneaking up on me, eavesdropping, all horrible traits.” The horse thanks you, and Astarion nods as if he heard what was said, “That’s true, you also made Gale wait for his sugar cubes! Cruel and demented.”

“You named him Gale?”

“Yes, yes I’m hilarious, I know.” Astarion opens the gate, letting horse Gale exit before him with a polite nod, and approaches you. “Now, come here.” You obey, and when you’re close enough he moves you, your back up against the fence, kissing you deeply, and you feel his thigh parting your legs as he presses himself closer against you, “I’ve missed you today, darling. I’ve just finished up here, how about I take you to bed?” His mouth moves to your neck, placing kisses on the skin there.

“Gods yes, but first I have some good news I’d like to share.”

“Oh? What is it?” He moves to pull away, but you pull him in again, a hand on his back and one on his head, keeping his lips on your neck and you feel his hum of approval vibrating on your skin as he goes back to kissing you there.

“I finally found a group that will build houses down here, it was going to be a lot of gold, but they’ve got a necromancer problem and if we get rid of that they’ll get started immediately with a hefty discount. It’ll speed up the process if we don’t have to build everything ourselves.” You’re quite proud of the deal you made, the group was originally unwilling, not a fan of vampires and caves, but while you were arguing with them some zombies showed up, slaying them made negotiations a lot easier. Currently, you had quite a few homes built, but homes take a lot of resources, and you had far too many people in each house and many more still sleeping in tents.

He pulls back to look at you, “They do know they’re walking into a cave full of vampires don’t they?” He looks excited, hopeful even, and you melt a bit internally, it’s so nice to see him happy, and all you had to do was kill some zombies.

“They do. They didn’t like it at first, but they came around.” You’ll give details later, but for now you just want to let him take you to bed to celebrate the news.

—

It takes what feels like forever to get all of the homes built, but it finally got done, huge houses full of personal suites fill the area, with plenty of room to spare in case anyone else moves in with your group. You had originally lived in one of those suites, but Astarion insisted on building a small house for just the two of you, and now that you have it you can’t complain.

Your day had been full of meetings, negotiating with merchants that you’ve convinced to travel down here to trade with your people, plans for livestock, making arrangements for someone else to answer constant questions while you and Astarion go to visit human Gale (as you’ve started referring to him, because it makes Astarion laugh everytime), because he said he might have a lead on a way for Astarion to see the sun again. Astarion helps with politics of course, all decisions are made by the two of you with the input of your people, but he leaves most conversations to you, his tongue too sharp for most of the everyday annoyances you deal with.

You relax on your newly made couch with a hot cup of tea and wait for your partner, he should be finishing up with his chores shortly and you long to see him, to tell him of your meetings and preparations, and to ask about his equally busy day.

You don’t have to wait long before you hear his voice outside, “Well, Petras it’s been so fun, but I’ve got someone actually worth my time waiting for me, so save your thoughts.” You laugh as you listen, and Petras scoffs at Astarion as he opens the front door. “Darling! I’m home, where are you?”

“I’m on the couch! What did Petras want?” You call, and you hear him make a little “ah” sound before you hear footsteps heading towards you.

“Oh the usual, he wants to drink from humans. I told him if he wants to go to the city each night he can go right ahead, but no, he wants us to make a group that will bring people here. I told him that wasn’t going to happen and he said he’d bring it up to the council, but we both know they won’t vote for a group to go around kidnapping.” He shrugs as he sits down next to you, but you can tell that it got under his skin, Petras keeps pushing the topic with Astarion, and is always angry by the end of it. The council had been formed not long after the two of you had become rulers, with members voted in to speak for everyone and vote on decisions.

“Gods. Did you tell him if he goes alone he can only kill criminals?” That was another thing that had been agreed upon, if someone wants to leave they can, but if they want to come back they can’t kill innocents or break laws, any attention on your group and things might get very bad very fast.

“I did, and he whined about it, but he doesn’t have the spine to actually leave, so I’m not worried about it.” He sighs, the conversation wearing on him, “Anyways, how was your day? How did it go with the Gur?”

“It was exhausting. The Gur will be shaken down at the entrance like we’d discussed, no weapons will be brought in, and no more night travels with the children outside of the camp. They’ll also be more involved in the children’s schooling, so we got what we wanted and they were bitter about the no weapons thing but I smoothed it over eventually.”

“Lovely work as always, darling, thank you for handling them.” He smiles at you, and that makes it all worth it, you think. “Finish your tea, my love, and then you and I can go relax, hm?” He reaches out to you, fingertips tracing your neck.

“You just want a meal.” You admonish, but you drink you tea anyways, not one to deny him your blood.

“Oh no, my love. I want sex. Though if you’re offering I’m suddenly famished.”

—

He lays you down on the bed, just barely letting you finish your tea before picking you up and carrying you to your bedroom. You pull him down on top of you and he hums his approval as he kisses you, wasting no time in unlacing your shirt.

He breaks the kiss to pull it over your head, undressing you with haste, “It feels like it’s been forever since we had time together to do this.”

“We had sex this mor-“ His hand covers your mouth as his other hand unbuttons your pants.

“Forever ago.” He moves his hand and pulls your pants and underwear off, grinning when he sees you naked below him. He gropes you as he leans down to kiss you again, tongue entering your mouth as he pinches a nipple. You gasp, and he does the same with the other one just to hear you react. You push against his chest, still kissing him and sitting up as he sits back, your hands unlacing his shirt as one of his goes in between your legs, groaning into your mouth when he feels the growing wetness there. “Oh darling, you have missed me haven’t you?”

You pull his shirt off and demand he removes his own clothes, watching as he leaves the bed to do so, stripping slowly in front of you and you stare with hungry eyes, watching as his hard cock springs up at the removal of his pants. He touches himself in front of you, stroking himself slowly and moaning from his own touch. “Astarion, stop teasing and come here.”

“You don’t want a show, my love? You did say you were exhausted earlier.” He still touching himself, thumb collecting the precum at the pink tip of his cock and using it to stroke himself faster for a moment, releasing another moan before letting himself go and returning to his place between your legs. “Was I not a pretty sight for you, darling?”

“It’s not the view I’m looking for, but you were a beautiful sight.” Your tone is annoyed even though you aren’t, he really was a beautiful sight and watching him pleasure himself is a thought you pocket for another day. He beams at the compliment, and his hand goes between your legs again.

“Not as beautiful as this, your legs spread for me, wet and wanting, one of my favorite views.” His fingers run up your slit once before stopping at your entrance, “Ah, and here’s another favorite, partnered with the sounds you’ll make.” He sounds pleased with himself, and your face is hot, when his fingers finally enter you, you moan low in your throat and he grins. He thrusts his fingers in and out, slow at first and gradually picking up the pace as you adjust to the stretch, the delicious burn from him starting with two fingers fading into unbridled pleasure as he curls his fingers at the end of each thrust in to touch that one spot that never fails to draw out more wanton sounds from you.

He sits back and watches himself work, and your eyes close as you ride the waves of pleasure he brings you, gasping when the thumb of his other hand finds your clit, the rest of his hand placing gentle pressure right above your mound, amplifying the feeling of his fingers. Usually, he’d make you open your eyes, to look at him while he pleases you, but you look lovely splayed out for him, eyes closed and your brow furrowing as he gets you closer to your peak. You whine as he speeds up, and he watches as you start to move your hips, grinding down on his fingers.

He leans down and bites your inner thigh when he sees you getting close, and you moan high and needy as he drinks from you, the pain tipping you over the edge as you clench around his fingers, your eyes finally opening to look at him, his fingers still thrusting and curling as you come down for your high, his tongue lapping up the blood from where he’s still biting your thigh.

He pulls out of you as he stops drinking, and immediately moves so he can lick your sensitive cunt instead, fast licks against your clit have you gripping his hair, keeping his face against you and he moans into you, he loves when you take what you want, loves bringing you pleasure. His tongue moves lower, pushing into your entrance as deep as he can as his nose brushes against your clit, and you whine out his name as one of his hands goes to the bite mark on your thigh, pressing down on it.

He fucks you with his tongue before moving back up to your clit, keeping you moaning and gasping out his name, but changing too frequently to get you close enough to cum. It’s a game he plays, seeing how long until you’re demanding his cock, wondering if maybe he can work you up enough that you’ll even beg for it. It’s looking like the latter, with how you whine when he puts away from your clit for a moment to kiss and lick at your unmarked thigh.

“Astarion, please.” Close, but not what he’s looking for, biting your thigh while his fingers return to you, pushing in and curling slow, and then not moving. You grind down on his hand and he allows it, knowing it won’t give you enough to cum, smirking against your skin as he watches you try desperately to push yourself over the edge again using his fingers, listening to you try again, whining his name. He knows he’s won when you let out a dry sob, so overwhelmed and understimulated at the same time.

“Please, Astarion, fuck me!”

“With pleasure, darling.” His voice is rough and scratchy, jaw slightly sore and it aches so nicely. He sits up again, lining up his cock as your legs wrap around him, trying to pull him into you. You moan again as he enters, stretching you wonderfully and leaving you gasping as he bottoms out.

He leans down to kiss you, moaning when you push your tongue into his mouth, hands on your hips keeping you still when he begins to thrust into you, the kiss getting messy as he fucks into you fast, finally getting you to that edge as you moan into his mouth and your fingers trace over the scars on his back.

He goes to back to rubbing circles on your clit as he approaches his own orgasm, timing it perfectly so you cum at the same time, pulling away from the kiss to look at you right before you’re thrown into another orgasm, “I love you, darling. You’ve given me everything.

[transkingcobra]

Something something Halsin slowly backing you into a corner

[swordmaid]

finally done with this after REDOING IT .. like a fool. anyway. hag dip!!!!!!!

[trevisos]

sorry i have vampire the masquerade brain worms u can ignore this.

astarion is Obviously ventrue and as someone who grew up in a banite church i feel like xarrai should Also be ventrue but i feel like it would be insane to make them anything but toreador. but then i thought. maybe they are both ventrue trying to come off as toreador. absolutely the funniest shit on earth to imagine two different ventrue trying very hard to make everyone think they’re toreadors for two different reasons. LOL yep definitely here in the pursuit of beauty don’t mind me… :)

[alpaca-clouds]

Why I love Halsin

I really gotta talk about this right now. Because I kinda... Well... If you look at my fics, you might be forgiven to think that Astarion is my favorite companion in BG3. You might even think that, if you looked at my game data, given that I have him on my team most of the time.

And sure enough, Astarion is a lot of things for me. I do enjoy writing him, because he is just all the drama. And I do like his party banter, when you have him along.

However... My favorite companion is actually Halsin, even though I rarely have him on my active team (mostly because I cannot find a good gameplay dynamic with him - at least without shifting classes).

But as a character? In the way he is written? In the way he is shown? Fuck, I love him.

I think part of the reason is that he is a lot more centered in himself, than the Origin 6 companions are. Which is fair, given that he is a lot older than any of them - both if you adjust the ages and without it. (Sure, Astarion is not quite that far away, but he is also thanks his trauma and him being turned still fairly young.)

Within the game it is just nice to have someonw you can go to who will just listen to you. And that is what Halsin feels like to me, whenever I play it.

Especially as for the most part he does not have to be there. Like, sure, you help him get Thaniel back and all that, but other than everyone else he has absolutely no reason to come with you to Baldur's Gate. Especially given that he does not like the city a whole lot. He still will come with you, and he will fight at your side. And I love him for that.

And yeah. I was a bit hesitant to write about him so far. Mostly because he has so much backstory due to his age, and we do know so little about it. And I... I am always a bit hesitant to fill out too many gaps - and there are a lot of gaps.

But with all the challenges going on right now, I was at some point like: "Fuck it." And I started writing a bit more about him.

And I do want to write a bit more about him. Will probably do that with a lot of other challenges. And maybe will blog some more about Halsin Headcanons. We will see.

But yeah... Darn it. Most of all I just want a man like this to hug me, until my back cracks. Darn it.

[chaoticbardlady99]

Colored Seams (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: Cazador is dead and the Spawn were released to the Underdark. You and Astarion could not be happier in the days that follow in spite of the looming Netherbrain Threat. You decide to do both of your laundry when a tragedy occurs- you accidentally destroyed his blanket.

CW: Dead Dove, Panic attack symptoms, fluffy, suggestive content, no specific pronouns mentioned or character traits

Author Note: Nobody’s Fool and Floozy are going to be updated tomorrow :)

Likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated- thank you so much for reading 💜 pic is mine

Cazador is dead- well he’s been dead for a solid week now, but, with the nature of this adventure, that even feels like months ago.

Astarion sent the spawn to the Underdark, he remarked his grave, and his spirit seems lighter. He has a lot more pep in his step, jokes more easily, and he has been very, very into PDA. Lae’zel has even gone out of her way to remark on how affectionate he has been with you in public.

Astarion’s confidence in himself is still a work in progress, but it makes your heart sing to know that he is slowly beginning to heal and you promised, in spite of the lack of sun your future holds, that you will be by his side to support him every step of the way.

He’s been exceptionally physically affectionate- you are still sore from the last several days of him ‘indulging’ in his newfound freedom. The sheets are a mess, your clothes are a mess, his clothes are a mess, and you are not about to let either one of you go out in obviously sex stained clothing.

You had decided to wash yours and Astarion’s things while he begrudgingly helped Gale retrieve old tomes from Sorcerer Sundries- Rolan’s recent instatement has allowed for Gale to read just about every tomb in the massive magic shop.

Ever since everyone found out Astarion could use spider climb, they have been asking him for his help in various tasks- he charges everyone (minus you, of course).

Gale had actually dragged Astarion along because he is technically looking for a book on your behalf for Astarion. He doesn’t know, but you and Gale have already begun the search for a Ring of Sunwalking.

Astarion loves the sun so much and you want to be able to give it to him- you all do. You could not be more proud of him and you find you enjoy acts of services and gift giving when it comes to him. He has had so little for so long and no one was taking care of him or making him feel special. You are very thankful that you get to be the one who provides him with these experiences.

For now, you don’t have a gift so you are going to surprise him with clean clothes!

He usually does the laundry because you hate doing it (something he learned and just kinda picked up on). You told him he didn’t need to and you feel bad for being a nuisance, but he would just roll his eyes, kiss you, and saunter off in the direction of the wash tub or wait until you are asleep so you can’t fret about it.

Astarion is actually quite adorable in his laundry routine- he even has a bag specifically for laundry soaps and scents. The man is right- he really did miss his calling as a perfumer.

You started with both your clothes. You used herbs for scent, soap for cleanliness, and Halsin helped to dry them with Wind. You then moved onto your bed sheets.

However, you realize you made a horrific mistake after it’s far, far too late.

Astarion’s comfort blanket, his first and only item while under Cazador, was torn apart. It had gotten twisted inside the sheets and it already hadn’t been strong enough to begin with. You didn’t even know you threw it in with the rest! You would never do that on purpose! You know it has to be washed gently and carefully.

“Tav?”

You are crying, entirely unaware of the fact that Halsin is widely concerned as you stare in horror at the murder scene before you.

“I destroyed his blanket!” Your voice is strained and your eyes must look as crazy as you feel because Halsin is looking very concerned for you.

“I am sure he will under-“

You are hyperventilating- there is no rhyme or reason and it doesn’t seem to matter what Halsin says- your mind is spiraling a mile a minute into oblivion.

He is going to dump you- Gods he may even leave and that thought terrifies you more than anything else.

You feel your lungs collapse in your chest and you can’t breathe.

You just wanted to do something nice for him.

You rush back to your bed after a brief pit stop at your shared room (you were forced, Gale was tired of waking up to you and Astarion being ‘adults’)- and you have pulled out every piece of yarn you can find. The majority of the blanket is intact, but there are chunks that have been unraveled.

The yarn is a faded gray color and all you have is your favorite color of yarn and a passionate hatred for mending things. It’s thankfully the same consistency and thickness, but Withers only knows how much time and patience you have.

Back to the room you go.

It takes you a few moments to study the pattern, but you immediately begin your work. Your fingers are pricked and sore, unsteady and clumsy. You have never been the best sewer, knitter, etc. so you can only hope that it can make up for even the smallest bit of destruction.

You finish right as you hear his voice ring through the main room- he is heckling Gale about something and you feel like you may very well vomit.

You had moved your things to the corner, just in case, but you still aren’t prepared to face him. Your tears begin to fall again.

You destroyed his blanket.

You are shaking and there is a lump forming in your throat as you try to stop your tears, ready to face probably one of the worst moments on this journey thus far.

He walks into your shared room- all smiles, but his mood quickly changes when he notices all of your things are packed away and your cheeks are tear stained. He looks sick with worry and now you feel even worse.

“My love?” Astarion’s frantic voice makes your stomach turn, “my love- what did I do wrong? What is it? How can I fix this?”

He is already at your side- Astarion’s eyes are filled with unshed tears and he is going to reach for you, but you just hold out the blanket between you.

The silence in the room is deafening and when he takes it- you clasp your shaking hands together and stare at your feet.

Astarion certainly must hate you- there is no way he can forgive you for this.

“I-I was just trying to do our laundry,” you whisper, “and I didn’t realize your blanket was rolled up inside our sheets and it… it fell apart.

“I tried to fix it the best I could, but I- I already know this is unforgivable and I am so unbelievably sorry, Astarion, and I know we are definitely over after this, but please don’t leave. I don’t want you to get hurt or turned into a mindflayer and if it’s that painful, I will just leave and-“

You and your rambling mouth are engulfed in a massive hug that stuns you to your core and you feel cool lips press a gentle kiss to your temple.

You fall apart- all the fear and anxiety from the last few hours has finally hit you. You are struggling to contain yourself and self-regulation isn’t happening. Every abandonment wound you have ever had has been ripped open and left to bleed everywhere inside the room.

“I’m so sorry,” you are still a mess, “I am so so sorry, Astarion.”

“My Dear,” he pulls back, tilting your chin so you are looking at him, “it is okay. I forgive you.”

You blink a few times with your lower lip still trembling. Astarion’s smile is sad as he wipes away your tears and kisses the space around the corners of your mouth before placing one on the tip of your nose. He smiles brightly when your lips finally curve upward a bit.

“At the beginning of this journey, I think I would have been exceptionally mad,” he admits, “but, now? Well, my Love,” he smiles at the blanket in his hand, “I was considering getting rid of it- it’s a reminder of my past in a lot of ways I don’t wish to remember.

“It’s perfect now- it feels like it belongs to me again and not the person Cazador bullied me into being,” his eyes glow with happiness, “I also know you despise this kind of activity and doing laundry- I greatly appreciate you doing both for me this evening, my Dear.”

Your smile cracks open your face and your tears are now filled with relief. You hug him tightly and he holds you back- equally as relieved that it wasn’t a big deal.

And it’s not- Astarion genuinely isn’t all that upset about it. Sure it’s not ideal, but you know what no one has ever done for him before? Fix something of his they broke- or at the very least attempted to. He finds himself grinning like a moron at your clumsy stitching and he adores that your favorite color is brightening up the blanket much like you have brightened up his entire world.

Nor has anyone done his laundry! You did a really good job too.

“You are very good at laundry, my dear,” he muses, “maybe I need to have you teach me some time.”

He can hear you roll your eyes as you put away your items again. Astarion began making the bed- you in all of your panic had completely forgotten to do.

“Oh please- we both know it’s a miracle I didn’t turn everything pink again by accident!”

You had made the mistake of grabbing a red bottle thinking it was laundry soap (at the beginning of the journey, mind you) and your stuff looked ridiculous because the bottle had actually been dyed. Your hands looked like you had just come back from brutalizing someone. Astarion had been the one to help you reverse the horrid mistake.

“That is a positive,” he laughs, coming up behind you and admiring the way you smile in the mirror while he wraps his arms around you, “I am glad I won’t be in some blotchy reddish, pink attire.”

“We would be matching ALL THE TIME though.”

“That, my Love, did not make you dying my laundry pink anymore appealing.”

You throw your head back with laughter- your makeup has created lines down your neck with your tears and you still haven’t had a chance to bathe nor has Astarion.

Astarion plays with the hem of your pants and kisses along your neck.

“You know, practice does make perfect,” he murmurs against your thrumming pulse, “and cleaning another would certainly be good laundry practice.”

You hum in agreement, “that is a good point and I could certainly use the practice.”

“I would be more than happy to demonstrate- I have been told I am an excellent teacher.”

Your grin is wide and your eyes are blown wide with lust- it makes him incredibly satisfied to see you react to him in the mirror and knowing that only he can make you feel this way.

You grab his hand, pulling him towards the washroom.

“We best get started then. I am an eager pupil, after all.”

Astarion’s grin threatens to split open his face and he allows you to pull him along- throwing the blanket onto the bed so that you can mend yourselves together in a different kind of way.

[parvulous-writings]

Oooh, I have a request idea!! How about Gale, Halsin, Astarion and Wyll or Karlach (if that's not too many ;-;) with a modern S/O from our world that makes them try a bunch of food from this dimension. I'd love to see their reaction to trying Soda or other Carbonated Beverages, and naturally seeing everyone's reaction to canned food - especially the kind that stays in the exact shape of the can even after you dump it into a bowl 🤣

Just imagine giving them this bad boy and being like "Bon appetit!" :D

I like to think they'd be horrified 🥰 Thank you so much !!

Summary: I do love me a little whimsical AU, I can't lie - so this MAY go into the realms of silly, but you know what? It's going to be fun! It also may be a bit all over the place... but you know what I think it fits XD The scenario is kinda the same for all of them - I hope that's okay!

Warnings: Some are a bit shorter/longer than others! Other than that... I don't think there's anything!

Notes:  My requests are currently open! My pinned post (found here) contains both a list of characters I write for, and a masterlist!  Original character list - please request for these too!

Gale

Out of everyone, Gale would probably be the most at-ease with you coming from another realm - he finds it absolutely fascinating.

He's asking questions all the time - is there magic in your universe? No?? What do you do, then??

You tell him about technology, and he is hooked. You start talking about electricity and immediately he's taking notes (mental or physical).

"I think I might actually have something you can try, Gale" you pull out of your pack a can of Coke (that somehow had survived the trip), and a tin of cranberry sauce that you had hoped to take home, before being whisked away to the land of Faerun. You offer him the can, and he just stares at it for a moment, observing it.

"And... what is this, exactly?" "It's a drink." "I fail to see how-" click "... Ah"

Isn't sure how the bubbles feel on his tongue - he almost spits out the drink the first mouthful he has. Doesn't mind the taste itself though - he would probably drink it flat, if he had the choice to.

"It's... Nice..." He seems mildly uncertain of this statement. "Though, I think I will stick to wine, and water..."

You telling him you can preserve food in metal near indefinitely? Pure 'teach me' moment. He will want to know EVERY secret on that front.

The tin of sauce confuses him. You tell him that it's sauce and he's eager to taste it - he's always on the look out for new flavours, as the self-declared cook in camp. Fish and potatoes can only keep you going for so long, until your tongue starts craving a new flavour.

When you present the unchanging... thing to him, he has no idea what to make of it. "That's... Not sauce. In fact, I don't even think that's edible - that looks like a health hazard."

He straight up refuses to use it that night, like he will not go near it, nor will he let it near the food.

Halsin

Halsin doesn't really talk about you being from another realm all that much - it doesn't overly concern him, now that you've got his trust.

He likes hearing stories of your life -even though you have to explain 90% of what you talk about to him, he's always eagerly listening to whatever you have to say.

Will not touch anything in a can - drink or otherwise.

"I... Do not feel right in trying this... my apologies."

You will not be able to convince him, whatever you try and do, he just... Doesn't want to listen to anything about that. If you keep trying to push him on the subject, he'll probably end up just walking away.

Though he's aware that preserving foods is probably a good idea for the long run, but after having heard the fizz from the can of coke? That's... A no go, for the time being.

Astarion

Astarion couldn't care less where you came from - so long as you're not going to stab him in the back, he's fine with you. You could be a crawling claw for all he cares - so long as you don't hurt him he really does not care.

Astarion doesn't typically eat anything other than his usual sanguine meals now that his affliction is out in the camp. This doesn't stop him from making snide comments on the food, though. And he makes especially snide comments when it comes to drinks - which he still partakes in quite happily.

"What do you mean... Fizzy?" His lips draw up slightly in a half-sneer, not being particularly drawn to the idea of... Whatever it was you were offering him. Though, he supposed, because it was you... He'd give it a go.

He manages to keep the beverage in his mouth after a sip, but the face he makes is beyond a grimace - clearly, he was not expecting that many bubbles.

Now when it came to the tinned sauce - or any tinned food for that matter... He'll simply laugh. "Now, I know we're short on supplies, darling, but... I don't think you'll get anyone to eat that." "Let me put it this way... If something like that was for my meal, I'd be running for the hills! ... And probably washing my mouth out with soap..."

"I am so glad I do not have to pretend I'm eating with you... Because that-" He points emphatically to the can-shaped food. "Would not, and will not, be going anywhere near my lips!"

Wyll

Wyll is curious about the realm you come from, but doesn't normally pry. He figures that, if you're going to reveal anything about your home land, you'll do it in your own time, when you're comfortable. If you start talking about your home and your life, Wyll will do the same, to show that he's not taking the conversation for granted.

Wyll actually LIKES carbonated beverages. He savours the feel on his tongue - it's like nothing else he's ever had before, and he's instantly wanting more. If you ever do figure out the realm-hopping thing, you'll have to bring him some more - possibly some different brands or flavours for him to try.

"So... These beverages... They can... Taste of flowers, and other delightful things?" Wyll hums pleasantly at this thought. "Well, I know we have... Similar things, here in Faerun, but I am most intrigued on your realms' flavours... As pleasant as it all can be, you can only handle so much of the same..."

Though canned food doesn't.... Really seem appealing to him, he'll still give it a good try! He's down to try any food at least once.

He's not keen on the appearance of the cranberry sauce, but he has some with some turkey you've roasted, and he's in love with the taste. Sure, the appearance could use some work, but beggars can't always be choosers - at least it tasted delicious!

Absolutely LOVES tinned vegetables. He's not sure why - he knows they've got a very different taste and texture to their fresher counterpart, but... There's just something about them that he can't get enough of. Tinned carrots especially.

If you give him the chance - and Gale for once isn't trying to make dinner - Wyll will try and find a way to include tinned foods. He will get everyone to like them, he's certain of it.

Karlach

Karlach LOVES hearing anything and everything about your home realm - from the mundane to the even mundane-r. You have a special tub to bathe in, not made from wood? And it has running water, like a river, that you can control?? That's one of the coolest things Karlach has heard of - and she longs for a way to try and bring that kind of plumbing to Faerun.

Karlach isn't fussed on the Coke can you offer her - she'll drink it, for sure, but if there's the option of another drink, then she'll probably opt for that first. Purely for the reason that it's a relatively new sensation compared to the other kinds of fizzy found in drinks across Faerun.

Like, fermentation has a kick, but in comparison, carbonation is a roar, that Karlach needs a little adjusting to - she has the best reaction out of the lot of them, I think.

"Whoo- that's... Hah, that's something, soldier... And how often do you drink this? Once a day? ... Several? Several cans of this a day?" She laughs quietly, shaking her head. "You're braver than me at some things, soldier."

However, when it comes to tinned food... She loves it. She's not even sure why - perhaps it's just the fact that she loves food. You show her the sauce first, and she doesn't even bat an eye at the fact that the sauce had retained the shape of the can. She sniffs at it, before just picking it up and taking a bite.

"A little sharp... But not bad!" Another bite. "You're meant to eat that with meat, Karlach," "Huh? .... Ah, well - still tastes good like this!"

She's not as fond of tinned veggies, but she'll still eat them. Normally dinner will now start with. "Aw, what? Don't we have anymore of that red stuff?"

[zwolfgames]

Helloo sweetie!:3 Can I request drabl with Halsin and reader, when they are cooking meal for others or time to bad for reader with Halsin or Gail or all team members

Hehehe ofcourse <3

(In the drabble au of teen!tav Halsin is mostly managing Y/N and Gale does the cooking with em. Also i dunno if you meant bed or bath so were doing both :3)

Warnings: Yandere implications, bear licks you

(3rd person POV)

"Y/N, be a dear and hand me the carrots, will you?" Gale holds his hand out as he awaits his precious carrots.

You pick the root like vegetables up to hand them to him. Lazily staying beside Gale as he cooks so you'd get the first portion, and he's kinda teaching you how to cook as the weeks with this group go on.

It's not that you can complain, your mother would be impressed if you came back home after this adventure as a master chef.

"Alright, now watch as I add the secret ingredient." Gale muses proudly as he pulls out a lump of salt.

You feel your face fall into an unimpressed deadpan at the 'secret ingredient' you've been asking for for weeks. It's just been salt the whole time? With how great gale's meals are you expected it to be some magic stuff... fairy sparkles or something... mermaid scales?

No, just salt. And there's no way thats it, you know how salt tastes and there's no way that it's saving the horrendous ingredients he's throwing together.

"You're lying." You cross your arms and narrow your eyes into an accusatory glare.

"What? No, I'm not. I would never lie to you." Gale smiles in alusement. A mischievious twinkle sparkles in his eyes.

You roll your eyes in annoyance and stir a bit in one of the pots.

"Gale's lying right now, actually." Shadowheart notes as she appears next to you to steal a carrot.

"That's not true, stop trying to make me look bad in front of Y/N." Gale huffs in agitation. Shadowheart looks amused and observes the dinner you're helping make.

"Boar again? Did Astarion or Halsin bring it in?" Shadowheart asks.

"Wyll did." Gale notes, you nod along to confirm.

"Wyll can hunt?" Shadowheart asks with a lame look of disbelief.

"He can do anything, I'm pretty sure." You shrug.

The half elf shakes her head at your words.

"And as if Astarion would share his hunt." Game adds boredly.

"What was that? I heard my name." The vampire shows up behind everyone. Looking as smug and confident as ever.

"Speak of the devil and you'll see his tail." Shadowheart notes as she bites a piece off of the carrot she snatched.

"Excuse me? I am far from the devil, as far as I know i look better then all those hellions." Astarion huffs.

"What's got you so confident?" Gale asks with a raise of his eyebrow.

Astarion preens and sways his left wrist around a bit.

You're confused for a moment before you remember he begged you to make him a bracelet after he caught you making jewlery with a nice gem you found while you were supposed to be sleeping.

"Right, and why does this ugly artifact make you feel better?" Gale asks with a bit too much sass for somebody who doesn't have a super cool custom bracelet.

Astarion awkardly looks at you to see if you care for the insult to your masterpiece. But considering you made it without willingness, you really don't.

"How could you say that, Y/N made it for me." Astarion scoffs despite your unbothered look.

"They what? Really?" Gale looks genuinly surpised. Looking at you quickly after.

Astarion smirks as if that means he won the lottery. You really don't get why these fully grown adults act more like a band of children then you do.

"Y/N, it doesn't mean anything, right?" Gale asks in devestation.

You raise a brow in confusion at this strange question. Why ofcourse, it's a gift of marrige. What does he think you'll say?

"Uh, no, he just wanted a bracelet." You admit simply.

"Then I want one too." Gale decided enviously. Glaring at the pale vampire as if he's just seen the elder brain.

"That'll be 500 gold." You shrug. Resisting a smirk as he looks shocked you'd charge. Astarion subtly looks over at you with a proud smirk. You didnt charge him, but atleast you've learned from him to always charge when there's a market.

"Y/N, please, I'll tell you the actual secret ingredient." Gale bargains.

"Gale just doesn't wnat to admit he's broke." Shadowheart smirks in amusement.

"Is the water supposed to do that?" Wyll steps up to the group and points at the pot you were stirring as it bubbles over.

You yelp and pop the lid off and stir in hopes of it going away.

Gale pales and scoots you aside before you burn yourself as he takes over the stirring.

"Best cook here, they say." Shadowheart snickers lightly.

Gale throws the half elf a glare before peering into the pot wether or not dinner is ruined.

"It's fine. And if it wasn't you could all starve." Gale huffs.

Astarion gasps in mock offence, as if he even eats dinner.

"Ah, how is dinner preperation fairing?" Halsin walks up to the group, casting a shadow ove you as he stands behind you.

"Fine enough, hungry?" Gale hums, stirring the pot at a constant pace.

"Very." Halsin nods, placing a hand on your shoulder. You swear, the druid makes you feel like a dwarf anytime he comes close.

"Y/N, have you shrunken?" Halsin asks wit ha friendly smile.

Your eye twitches slightly before you shake your head.

"Maybe you grew, Halsin." Shadowheart notes.

"Must be beacuse of all my excellent cooking!" Gale smiles happily. The crowd momentairilly goes quiet.

"I hear cooking!" Karlach shuffles inbetween Wyll and Sahdowheart.

Gale drops his now frozen smile and nods with a more normal, little smile.

As Gale announves dinner officially, Lae'zel finally comes over aswell and you help serve everyone their bowl of broth.

The evening turns nice and cozy as the sun starts to set, casting a familiar warm glow over the party.

You le your bowl lay on your lap as you finish dinner, just letting the rays of fading sunshine kiss your face.

That is until your moment of peace is abrubtly interupted by two large hands scooping you up from inder your armpits. The image aching to that of a wet cat getting taken away bu it's dissapointed owner.

"Hey! Put me down!" You start kicking around in annoyance. You hear Halsin laugh, as you've quickly determined tha the is the one holding you.

"Don't think so, cub. I've noticed you're in dire need of a wash. And our camp has this crisp river right next to it." Halsin muses. Holding you up with not a single bit of trouble.

"I am not, I bathed last.. uhh.. week." You recall with a cringe. People in the very far future light find that a long time, but for people living in a medival like fantasy world that's probably a lot.

"Ah ah, no excuses." Halsin shakes his head.

"I can make excuses, I'm not a kid!" You protest. For some reason that stills the elf holding you for a moment.

"You may think so but to me you are, cub." Halsin speaks seriouslt before carrying you over to said river.

You are uncerimoniously thrown in with a large splash following your descent into the cold water.

You shiver as the liquid drenches into your also quite dirty clothes.

You don't have to wait for long until eqaually wet fur touches your arm. This bastard wild shaped to bathe. Smart in its own way, bears can handle the cold way better.

Halsin, as a bear, wraps his paws around you and starts licking your hair up into probably the worst hairstle you've ever had, and that includes the one you cut on yourself when you were four.

"Stop that! You'll make me smell worse!" You protest in annoyance, This whole day was keeping you on your toes and you didn't even have to fight anyone.

Halsin lets out a low growl of amusement as he washes you off as a real bear would a real cub. Wich is clearly not appreciated by you. Wich is totally fair, you don't think anyone would want this. Actually you'd rather that mysterious lady on the beach had actually stabbed you to death.

Due to your discomfort you don't pay much attention to the rest of camp practically glaring your strange caretaker down. Half are a bit disgusted, half are more so envious.

Who's who? You'll never know.

You're totally done with today, actually. It's like the longer you stay with these people the younger you get treated. It's ridiculous. Also how are you meant to sleep with a damm bear holding you? What is Halsins problem!

You grumble under your breath as you lay in the elfs tent. Wich is not yours! But Maybe it's a good thing that you're not in yours, considering someone's currently going through your stuff for 'safety reasons'. not that you'd ever know. They just need some enchantments put on your gear, nothing that would track you down, no they would never...

You eventually get used to the warmth of the beast behind you and doze off to sleep, onto annoyed and irritating dreams.

Yo guys :')

I dunno how long it's been, and this ask may seem totally wack because I wrote it in like 3 sentences at a time.

I'll make the excuses quick. Architecture is a hell of a university course and I'm going crazy with the teeny amount of free time I have. I don't even get the time to squish my stressed up feelings into fanfiction anymore ToT

At this point I might actually go crazy.

Anyways hope that you enjoyed this drabble even if it's stinky and badly made. I'm working on all the other asks I have but it's currently exam period so I might just die.

Adios!

[pendragon1400]

Since I am super sick with 101.4 fever I want to write about how each BG3 companion reacts to being sick!

Astarion: Constant complaints/whining. He is totally convinced that he will die of his illness and makes it everyone else's problem. Lays against the pillows on his bed like a tragic victorian heroine who won't last the night. If you ever read Howl's Moving Castle, it's that just somehow more melodramatic. Will calm down if romanced Tav snuggles him.

Gale: Doesn't want you to put up too much of a fuss. "I don't want to be a bother, but could I get some fever reducer please? The room is actively moving." Aware that he is sick, but that it's nothing serious and just needs rest, some medicine and fluids.

Karlach: Lays prone in her bed to the point that you have to come close to her to see if she is actually alive. Which makes you fall into the trap that sick Karlach grabs anything or anyone near her and holds it like a teddy bear and doesn't let go. This also gets you sick as well.

Wyll: Less dramatic than Astarion, but defiantly pitiful. Looks miserable, sounds miserable and just wants to wrap up in something soft and forget the world exists until his head stops aching.

Shadowheart: Hates being sick like REALLY HATES being sick. Gets really cranky, like you have to let her know BEFORE touching her cup that you are getting her more tea, or you will be stabbed.

Lae'zel: What illness? Unless she is half dizzy with fever she will deny it. Fever's make her kinda silly and goofy tho.

Jaheria: Denies she is sick until you find her passed out with her head on her desk, and you have to have Karlach help you get her to bed.

Minsc: Somehow doesn't get sick a lot. When he does, he goes straight to Jaheria for help.

Halsin: Less control over wild shape, feels guilty whenever you take care of him. Tries to tell you he's fine between coughing fits.

Minthara: Thinks she was poisoned at first, then starts plotting revenge on who got her sick in the first place.

[bat-connoisseur]

I turned your Baldurs Gate 3 characters into furries. Sorry. Actually no I'm not I won't pretend anymore.

General notes and specific species under the cut.

Astarion: He is a Ghost Bat! I like to think him being a vampire and being a bat are entirely unrelated, it's just a coincidence and he's honestly pretty mad about it. Ever since I first started playing bg3 I had him assigned as a Ghost Bat or a Spectral Bat in my brain, just arbitrarily, and I went for the former just because the colours work.

Gale: He's a Eurasian Lynx! I had to make him a cat. I just had to. And I trawled through the wikipedia pages for pretty much every type of cat and Lynx was about the only one that fit in my brain. The fluff kinda evokes his beard and hair I think, and I almost didn't have him have proper hair, just the fur, but in the end I wanted to be consistent about it so he got it. Peep the greying muzzle because mans is stressed and dying.

Karlach: She's a Bongo Antelope! I knew I wanted her to be some kind of large hooved mammal, because of the horns but also because their builds and general sturdiness really suit her I think. It was a tough pick, there's so many cool ones, and when sketching I was actually going to have her be a Mountain Nyala, but I changed my mind last minute just because the colours of the Bongo fit SO well. They're also my favourite antelope. Let me have this. She's so cool and she gets to be one of my favourite animals.

Lae'zel: She is a Pterosaur! My specific reference was Dorygnathus, but I was fairly loose on the details and so she doesn't super resemble them beyond the teeth and tail. I wanted her to be something prehistoric since the Gith are aliens or something (i dont know dnd lore that well), and so I wanted her to be in her own sort of category apart from the rest so, prehistoric! I considered making her a dinosaur but the idea of a Pterosaur just really appealed for whatever reason. Kind of parallels their dragon riding if they can fly, I suppose? And their Enhanced 10 Foot Vertical Leap.

Shadowheart: She's a Hare! Very specifically a Hare rather than a rabbit. Hopefully that comes across. I wasn't super sure what to do for her honestly, but in several scenes she has these big scared eyes, and she's generally just kind of having an awful time and being harmed by the gods for the whole game and I was like 'hey I know an animal that looks like it's been personally slighted by the gods' and so Shadowhare was born. There is a part of me that wishes I'd made her a cat for the warrior cats joke though.

Wyll: He's a Pine Marten! I just kind of got it in my head he should be a Mustelid of some kind, I'm not sure why, he just has that kind of vibe to me? Maybe it's the way he moves, maybe it's his skill at killing, maybe I'm just biassed because I love him and I love mustelids, who knows. I looked through em all and I didn't want one of the bigger sturdier ones like a Wolverine because. Strength stat of 8. So I went for one of my smaller favourites, the Pine Marten. The reason he's not an animal with horns naturally like Karlach is because I still wanted them to look out of place on him! I toyed with giving him wings (because they're cool) but ultimately didn't wanna stray toooo far from Pine Marten.

And that's all! Perhaps I'll get around to anthropomorphising the non origin characters, but who even knows. Halsin would almost be too easy. I could make Jaheria a cool ass fox or something though. Much to consider. If I do them then I'm gonna be doing my Tav Deimos and my Durge Lethe though. That's da law.

[atsadi-shenanigans]

FSBE 2 - That Fuckin Bitch

You find lost friends.

On AO3.

It is a dog. A bundle of white fur and a tail wagging so hard it circles in a loop as Scratch gives himself helicopter-butt.

Wyll drops to his knees the second the elevator stops and the dog throws himself at the horned man, tongue flapping, body wiggling, whining happily.

You don’t got much time to even notice all that before you’re bowled over by a big, feathered mass of an owlbear cub. Y’all been gone, what, a week? And then some? Yet the little dude lunges up so high he reaches your chin as he totters on his back legs.

He trills and squeals. His claws catch on your new armor (thank fuck for that armor) while he nibbles at everything he can reach.

“Sweetums,” you say. Bury your fingers in the soft feathers around his face and give him some good head-scritches. His ear tufts lift as his eyes sink shut.

“Oh, the druid didn’t die,” Astarion says.

The druid being Halsin, whose bear form shimmers and ripples with golden light as he shrinks down into a slightly smaller man. Elf. Whose body then goes loose in what you can only assume is relief.

“Oakfather be praised,” Halsin says. “I was beginning to worry.”

“Only beginning?” Wyll says with a cheeky smile.

Halsin’s return smile flickers, looking too tired. “You all did defeat a goblin camp and rescue the Emerald Grove. But the Underdark can be exceedingly dangerous in many different ways.”

“Ch'k,” Lae’zel all but spits. “I found no danger. Only the bloodsucker and the weakest istik received that honor.”

You…been called worse.

Halsin’s gaze darts to you. You lift a hand (the other still occupied with Sweetums). “We’re all fine. Just some critters.”

“And the drow,” Astarion says. “I managed to feast on several of them, and our darling leader crushed one to pieces with a boat.”

Halsin’s gaze turns to sharp worry.

“Oh please,” Karlach says. “I split a minotaur in half. And then Wyll and I got caught up in that fight between them dragons—”

“Oh, here we go,” Astarion says.

“I’m telling the truth! There was two dragons, but we didn’t know they were dragons at the time cause they were disguised as people—”

“Next you’ll tell everyone you stumbled into a vampire bar. Admit it, darling, we—” He slings an arm around your shoulders and hauls you close, much to Sweetums’ dismay. “—got to have all the fun.”

“There actually were two dragons,” Wyll says.

“Yeah! And a bunch of kobolds! But the gold dragon—”

Gale winces. Mutters, “Those are exceedingly rare. The likelihood of any of us coming across one, in the Underdark no less—”

“—she roasted all of them! Poof! Into ash!” Karlach finishes.

Halsin’s mouth opens. The shape of a question forms, but then he just looks at y’all.

“Is that a stew?” Shadowheart says.

A pot sits on a bed of coals next to a small fire. A savory, kinda tangy scent wafts through the air and y’all been on limited rations for the last fucking week.

“I, yes,” Halsin says. Steps to the side. “Yes, it is. Though it’s quite watery, and I doubt there’s enough for everyone.”

“Aha,” Gale says and reaches into his pack to pull out a sack of potatoes like a stage magician flourishing a baby bunny. “I do believe I may be able to assist with that.”

Away from caves and rivers, the monsters and murderers (well, the ones not in y’all’s group). Away from an active lava lake, and you could use a dinner, a massage, and then a coma.

So that’s when that fucking bitch Mizora pops in.

***

“I swear, the next time I see that streak of shit, I’m going to pinch her head off her fucking shoulders,” Karlach says. Makes the approximate motion of plucking off a fuzzy dandelion head.

You’d help her. Will help her, if you can think out how.

Wyll sits quietly next to the fire, Scratch between his legs, the dog’s head on his knee.

That fucking bitch. That ratfuck twat.

“This is the last job,” you say, like that’s gonna actually make it better. “Last one, and he’s done.”

That’s what y’all managed to negotiate. Last time, that bitch had fucked Wyll over in person. This time, she did it by way of a Star Wars hologram, and she’d sounded stressed. So you’d asked about it.

Which still wouldn’t’a done shit if Astarion hadn’t piped up. Apparently “magistrate” also meant some kinda lawyer?

So Wyll gets to Moonrise Towers, frees some poor fuck that bitch calls an asset, and he’s free. He’d thanked y’all, but now he sits quietly, and you can’t help but think of them first days off the farmstead. The first night, in Sasha’s bedroom at two in the morning, sitting on her couch watching the lights shift along the ceiling as cars drove by below.

It was noisy in the city. Though you’d later found out y’all was just in a suburb of a larger town. First time you ever went to Tulsa and saw an honest-to-god skyscraper, you got dizzy sitting there in the car.

You still refuse to enter one.

But that first night, you sat on that couch by yourself. You were free. You’d done it. You ran the fuck away. Turned your back on the lord and the Pastor and Mother.

You were the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the Earth. You were going to hell. No doubt. People who left went to hell. They succumbed to the voice of the devil, and they always knew you had the devil in you. That was why Mother was so hard on you. She was trying to help, trying to save you, and this was how you repaid her. You scurried off in the night like a coward. A traitor.

An apostate.

The worst thing anyone in the world could be, and you felt that ooze over your skin, sinking cold and sick into your stomach. Worse than some godless heathen liberal, you had seen the light of the lord. Had felt his presence. His grace. His love. And you flung it into the mud.

Stupid, evil, ungrateful girl. You betrayed them all.

You’d watched Sasha drive. Saw how her foot worked the pedal that made the truck go. The steering wheel, a knob for the lights. Girls didn’t drive, since their calling was on the farmstead and the work there, but you were always too deceitful for your own good.

Sasha had set her keys in a bowl on the kitchen table just through the door.

This place, this room with all the noise and the echoing thuds of footsteps tromping up nearby stairs, a girl’s voice echoing down the hall, it wasn’t for you. You didn’t know what half the things in that living room were for. Had never been alone like this. No bunk above yours, no sleeping girls around you. Just you.

Sasha had offered to sleep on the floor beside the couch she put you on. You’d assured her you were fine. You wanted to be alone.

Because you had the devil in you.

If you grabbed them keys and took that truck. If you went back now, right this second and begged forgiveness, they’d take you back. The prodigal daughter. The lord goes ever-searching for his lost flock.

There would be punishment. They would have to cleanse the sin that overwhelmed you, banish the devil’s temptations filling your mind. But you wouldn’t be alone like this. Wouldn’t be so stranded in an alien world, an alien life.

You surged up, bolted for the kitchen, and managed to reach the sink before you started to throw up.

“Hey,” you say, in Middle Narnia. Slide to a seat near Wyll.

He looks up. His smile is soft and warm. At first glance. But you know what to look for: the strain around the seams.

“Thank you again,” he says. Gives Scratch his namesake. The dog’s tail thumps against the ground.

“Wish I could’a done more,” you say.

Wyll hums. “She’s a sly one, that Mizora. Always finds a new way to get her claws into you.”

You get that, too. The lord goes ever-seeking his lost flock.

“You know everybody in camp wants to beat her ass for you, right?” you say. And boy howdy, this feels awkward as fuck. But when he looks to you, you know the man desperately needs to hear it. “We all care about you. You even got Astarion to jump in for you.”

That cracks the first hairline fracture into Wyll’s brittle mask.

“Ain’t none of us gonna stand back, Wyll. You ain’t all by yourself. You give the word, and we’ll jump her. Or what’s left after Karlach gets to her.”

“Fuck yeah!” Karlach, apparently in earshot, hollers. “I’ll scoop her lungs out her arsehole!”

Another crack. A trickle of genuine warmth spills out. Wyll nods. “I’ll keep that in mind. It’s just…being the Blade of Frontiers. All my magic comes through her. If…when I lose that. I’m not…not sure who I am. The man, and not the Blade. I want that contract gone, make no mistake. I’ve been leashed to that creature for far too long. It’s just…”

He looks at the hand not busy petting Scratch.

“You’ll find him,” you say. Hold his gaze when he lifts it. “You’ll have to build him, brick by brick. But you’ll build it, and from what I seen of your foundation, you’ll build him strong.”

There it goes. The mask shatters. Leaves Wyll, the man, soft and exposed.

“You really think so?” he says.

And that’s about as much vulnerability as you can handle. Still, man needs a reassurance, so you can’t go sprinting off past them temple doors.

“I mean, you can’t do no worse than what I managed,” you say.

To which he only raises an eyebrow, a sly twinkle gleaming in his eye. “Oh? You’ve bargained your way out of a warlock pact, have you?”

You ain’t never really shared yourself to any of them. Except Astarion, cause he went stomping through your memories with his fucking shoes still on. It ain’t something you ever really talk about. Not here, and not in your life before. Mostly cause people get weird with you afterward, and that never goes away. It taints you, once others know.

“Got raised in a bad group,” you say. “Real coercive shit. Got out later, and had to start my whole life over. It sucks. Real bad. But it’s doable.”

He nods slowly. Gives another half-smile and sighs. “Thank you. Truly. I’m glad to have been infested with a soul-consuming, monstrous parasite with you.”

You cannot help the bark of laughter. “Me too.”

Y’all finally settle in to actually eat the dinner that fucking bitch Mizora so rudely interrupted. And then makes plans to set out from this temple (or whatever it actually is, does Faerun have train stations?) come morning. Y’all are gonna be traipsing through a place called the Shadow-Cursed Lands, looking for the secret hideout of a fucking brainworm cult.

Peachy.

Which means y’all need to sleep.

Sweetums has been clinging like a cat to your legs the whole evening. Afternoon. You don’t honestly know. But he comes trotting and trilling after you as you set up your tent. You used to have a cat, Nugget, until he passed a year ago. Ain’t never had a dog (apartments don’t mix all that well with dogs, in your opinion).

You look at Sweetums. He flicks his ear tufts at you. So you lift the tent flap and the boy don’t even need instructions to go crawling in there.

Well hell. Forget dogs sleeping on the bed, you got yourself an owlbear. At least he don’t seem inclined to roll around in deer shit like most dogs you meet.

You start to duck in after him.

“Well,” a voice drawls. Astarion emerges from the shadows, where he must’a been lurking like an absolute fucking creeper.

You’re pretty wrung out on the fucks to give department just now. Can’t muster up enough adrenaline to jump, so you just kinda stare as the man leans back against a pillar.

“Shopping for a new lover already?” he says.

[justporo]

Since writing about Gale and Astarion trying to work together prepare a surprise for Tav I've been kinda thinking about how Astarion's relationship with the other companions would be. So I thought about some

Platonic headcanons about Astarion and his relationship with the companions

(I do hope I don't stray from events or things in the game, but be warned, I might go off the canon path and follow my own personal imaginations)

Gale and Astarion: ah, a love-hate relationship I'd imagine; do they piss each other off? The whole damn day. Do they respect each other and actually kinda like each other despite of how different they are mostly? Yes. Would they admit that to each other? Never, not over their dead bodies.

Halsin is someone Astarion actually deeply respects. Firstly because they are the oldest of the bunch and that makes for some mutual understanding. But Halsin also understands some of Astarion's struggles and traumas very well. And Astarion, although he probably wouldn't say this, admires the composed and caring way the druid has seemingly adopted to cope.

Shadowheart is kind of a hard nut to crack for Astarion. He doesn't get her, she won't let herself be charmed by the vampire and seems to make snide remarks about him whenever possible. He can kinda respect that last part. And once he finds out that she is rather prone to gossiping they can rather frequently be found sticking their heads together and making snide remarks together.

Jaheira also is someone Astarion can actually respect. She's done and achieved a lot in her life and seems to have never lost her bite (pun intended). Also he might be hurt at first by her brutal honesty that sees right through him and his play - but it turns out, he feels really seen by her.

Karlach and Astarion are just chaotic sibling energy all around. Karlach wants to try something? Astarion is right there spurring her on. Astarion is doing something stupid? Count on Karlach to call him out and afterwards laugh her ass off.

Wyll and Astarion might not be the biggest friends but they do find solace in talking about life in the Upper circles of Baldur's Gate. (Also Astarion has some admiration for Wyll's devotion but you can pry that fact from his cold dead hands)

Lae'zel and Astarion might not be awfully close in an emotional kind of way but they have deep mutual respect for each other. Lae'zel respects his lust for revenge, violence and blood. Astarion respects her pragmatic way that often involves having to cut down lots of enemies.

At first, Astarion doesn't really approve of Scratch's company. But the dog doesn't stop trying to get him to throw his ball. So, sometimes, when no one else is looking, the vampire can be seen playing with the stray (albeit wiping off the dog's spittle from the ball on Scratch's fur) and sometimes even scratching the creature behind its ear

Also can you imagine (and I might turn this into a drabble) how the companions would gossip about Tav and Astarion not being very subtle about their... fling? I'd love to see that.

[renn-aissance]

Mom Plays BG3: Ep.6 - “It’s a Woof.”

It’s been a while! Work/School/Life… yeah.

Anyway! It’s a long one today, boys.

(So a little recap of what’s kinda going on with her character! She’s been going back and forth between the Goblin Camp and the Blighted Village. So, she went and talked to Priestess Gut, but when she tried to kill her in her office an entire fight broke out so she got overwhelmed and reloaded lol. So instead she explored more, killed Minthy, talked to Halsin, and used the Waypoint to get back to the village.)

Rundown:

Shart had mentioned Shar and my mom was like “I don’t have anything against Shar worshippers if that’s what you were afraid of.”

After that she asked me if Shar was evil.

Me: “Well… I mean I guess that kind of depends on how you see her? I guess? She’s like a goddess of pain and darkness.”

Mom: “Well that doesn’t sound good. Why does she follow her?”

Me: “You told her you were cool with it.”

Mom: “I was ignorant.”

I had been WAITING for her to go to the well and she finally clicked on it.

Sees she gets an advantage as a ranger on a nature check.

Mom: “I’m a ranger! I’ve got this! Oh god please let me got this…”

Me: *starts laughing when she chooses an intelligence check to investigate.*

Mom: “WHAT. My -1 intelligence!?”

Goes down the rope

PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY ANNIHILATED ALL OF THE FUCKING SPIDERS WHEN IT TOOK ME SO MANY RELOADS THE FIRST TIME. AND NOT ONLY THAT- THE BIG ASS SPIDER DIDN’T EVEN HATCH THE BABY ONES!!

Then Lae’zel wants to talk 🙂

This is where I’m like “okay she’s gonna be like ‘what the hell kinda games are you playing.’”

Lae’zel: “I want to taste you.”

Mom: “Uh… okay.” (Clicks no thanks.)

Queen of gently letting someone down.

Whenever the characters climb onto crates she’s like “PARKOUR!”

Clicked on a body with money.

Mom: “Yayyy! I haven’t seen money in a while.”

Me: “Same.”

She went to the windmill, guys. I was so fucking excited.

Also she keeps using the brain worm even though she doesn’t trust it lol

Went to save Barcus and was looking around the windmill. I made her do a save real quick when I saw her heading to the levers.

LAUNCHES BARCUS INTO THE FUCKING SUN.

Mom: (First, horror. Then, losing her mind) “I guess I wound up teaching him how to fly better than that other guy.”

Mom: (reloads lol)

Goes back to the Goblin Camp and talks to those goblin kids. They tell her to kick the corpse and she cracks up that she has the option to. She kicks the corpse.

Talks to Crusher and tells him he should kiss her feet. She has ZERO charisma btw. And she needs to roll a 15.

Mom: (Weighing her options.)

Me: “You don’t have any rizz.”

Mom: “I know… I GOTTA DO IT!”

ROLLS A 16

Mom: “YEAAAH!”

Crusher kisses her feet.

Mom: “He didn’t even let me take off my shoes first.”

All of the goblins just like “ew Crusher licked toes!”

She explores some more and kind of makes a circle back to where she started.

Mom: “Oh yeah, I remember this. Yeah, they’re all really mean and they’re drunk.”

She ends up going back inside and killing Gut and those goblins. She picks up the tadpole and has that option to resist it and does resist it because she still doesn’t trust the Dream Visitor.

Astarion tells her that he would be more than happy to take it off her hands.

Mom: (turns to me, whispering like he can hear her) “You know I actually wouldn’t mind if he took it.”

IT HAPPENED. ASTARION TRIED TO BITE HER IN HER SLEEP.

Astarion: “Shit.”

Mom: *Laughing like crazy. Chooses the options that are like ‘why did you lie to me, I can’t believe it. Ultimately lets him drink from her. Stops him after the first round.*

Astarion: (FERAL) “That was amazing… [blah blah blah] I thought you might turn up with torches and pitchforks… though it looks like there might still be time.”

Shadowheart: “So he’s a vampire? I should have known judging from his pallor.”

Mom: “Did you not see his fangs this whole time?”

Goes to talk to Astarion after.

Mom: “Tell me about your history.”

Astarion: “Why do you insist on exhuming the past!?”

Mom: “Hey. Take it easy.”

After leaving camp, Shart has something to say.

Shart: “There’s… something that I would like to share with you…”

Mom: “What’s with all these secrets?!”

Shart: “I want to show you something.”

Mom: “I don’t like using the parasite.” (Still let’s Sharty bae into her brain.)

It’s the memory of Shart in the woods and she sees a wolf. We had just finished watching New Girl.

Mom:

Mom: “Her hair… was this her in her anime phase?”

She goes back to the Goblin Camp to take out Dror Ragzlin. She got a little stressed out during that fight lol.

Mom: (clicks on Gale’s quaterstaff) “Will this DO anything?? I don’t know, this guy’s pretty weak.”

Mom: “HOW DO YOU MISS! YOU’RE SO CLOSE!”

Me: “I mean… it tells you when you’re too close-“

Mom: “But why do I have a disadvantage? I CAN SEE HIM.”

(Enemy goes after Wyll)

Mom: “Get away from him!”

Me: “Yeah! Get away from her boyfriend!”

Mom: “YEAH!”

She beat all of them and then went to the prison to talk to Halsin. She passes by a rat.

Mom: “A rat! Astarion, your friend!”

Me: 😀

All in all was a pretty good chunk of playtime. For one of the play throughs we didn’t even set a timer and played til like midnight. She comes over and she’s like “are we gonna play tonight :D” and bought hot Cheetos because, and I quote, “we’re gamers.”

Oh, also she met Auntie Ethel, idr if I mentioned that before, but she hasn’t gone to save Mayrina yet. She started that quest but after Ethel went into her little cave my mom went straight back to the Goblin camp. Her reaction to Ethel’s real form was “ew.”

[vole-mon-amour]

Thinking about Astarion shapeshifting into a cat. "I'm so tired. How do people do this all day?" Thinking about him riding on Halsin's shoulder and barely weighting anything to Halsin as a cat, and this way he doesn't actually have to walk all the way. Thinking about Astarion snuggling up on Halsin's shoulder or in the crook of his neck while Halsin maybe does some whittling. Bonus points if he manages to doze off while they're on the road. Halsin walks and Astarion sleeps.

And when it's battle time, thinking about Astarion being shapeshifted into a snow leopard or a white panther (or another large wild cat with deadly fangs and claws so that he can literally make their enemies bleed with a hit of his paw and overpower them with his body if it's something that needs to happen.) Four legs with sharp claws, fangs to rip apart the enemies' throats and a mighty tail that helps his balance.

Thinking about a shapeshifted bear and a domesticated, once feral cat sleeping on him. And maybe he's still feral, just not with Halsin. He can still bite and scratch and claw up someone's clothing and run away just as fast. He can still make others bleed—sometimes he means to because he doesn't like them that much, sometimes he just doesn't know his own strength.

Thinking about a shapeshifted bear and his boyfriend in a shape of an albino serval next to each other. Thinking how wild, yet beautiful they look together and how they both love just chilling in this form. How Astarion sometimes snuggles next to his bear—because Halsin loves that form, because he sometimes relaxes so much that he turns into his "natural" form and Astarion just embraces that.

I feel like an albino serval is definitely a shape that can suit Astarion very well (with maybe a white nose as well and red eyes so it matches his vampiric eyes). What a wonderful couple those two are.

P.S.: An au in which druids can turn others into animals, with some boundaries like turning them bc of a request or if it's their loved one so there's at least some restraint and completely strangers don't turn other complete strangers knot animals? A polymorph scroll that can turn another into an animal of their choose and not only a sheep?

Or maybe both. Both can also be good.

UPD: Kinda OOC/AU, but what if Astarion was a druid/could wildshift himself? Two boyfriends chilling. <3

[cuttleimagines]

𝙱𝚊𝚕𝚍𝚞𝚛'𝚜 𝙶𝚊𝚝𝚎 3 𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜: 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚁𝚘𝚊𝚍 𝚁𝚊𝚐𝚎

𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚛𝚘𝚊𝚍 𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜?

Also yay! First post! <3

𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚞𝚙 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊 𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸'𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚎𝚡𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚕𝚖𝚊𝚘𝚘

Contains: Astarion, Gale, Wyll, Shadowheart, Lae'zel, Karlach, Halsin, Minsc, Jahiera, and Minthara

BEST:

Minsc:

Minsc has literally no room for road rage and he knows it. He is by far the worst driver out of all the companions.

Not ONLY that, but he literally has a hamster therapist to bond with about the drivers around him

He’d see someone literally fucking street racing and have the most content face on

“Ah, Boo, he must be late for his appointment. I would’ve done the same in his shoes.🤷‍♂️”

Minsc is going below the speed limit all the time because honestly he’s just happy to be there.

If he ever gets hit he’ll settle for a quick conversation about trading insurances but will probably just get it fixed later and forget about it

People get mad at him but he’s so unbothered lmao

We love Minsc in this household he has the best non existent road rage.

Wyll:

Is strangely always calm at the wheel, a very courteous driver like Minsc but more softcore

waves at people to go even when he has the right of way so he gets pushed around a lot on the road lmao

The only way I can see him getting fed up is if it happens back to back and someone almost fucking kills him 😭 which is honestly the bottom of the fucking barrel

Honestly he just questions whether or not people actually USE their fucking mirrors to LOOK and SEE if anyone's there BEFORE they merge

Purposefully REFUSES to tailgate even a little bit because he can't be asked to rear end somebody because they brake-checked him.

It's very rare he ever reacts negatively at all, just kinda goes "Okay, people aren't always going to be the smartest, perhaps they're still learning."

Wyll, baby, they're driving a dingy pickup truck with a customized muffler 💀

Honestly if you ever ride passenger with this guy, you're probably gonna be getting mad FOR him because he just doesn't react to people genuinely being stupid on the road.

Overall, just a "get through it and move on" type of driver

Halsin:

If anyone's ever sitting passenger with him you're lucky because you get to fucking pass out on long car trips and not worry about whether or not mans is gonna fall asleep at the wheel or crash.

VERY good driver, probably the best out of all of the other companions

Type of person to flash at someone or wave at them if their gas door is open or something's falling off their car

Like Wyll, a pretty courteous driver, but gets a little annoyed if people don't give him the right of way when it's his turn

Does a little eyebrow quirk whenever someone cuts him off but ends up turning into an "I pity the new drivers of this generation" speech

If people are being dumb back to back he probably needs to pull over and just take a hot minute before getting back on the road

Overall, though, he tries to be civil and not let his anger get the better of him

Gale:

Is probably the funniest when it comes to the mild version of road rage

"I didn't realize turn signals were growing out of style, considering nobody seems to use them."

"Wow! Look how much progress you made!" He says to the car that sped past him only to get one car ahead in the busy lane

"The light is green, sir! You accelerate when the light turns green! A common mistake, I know!"

"Do you think this poor lad knows you yield to turn right on a red and don't wait for the light to turn green? The education system has most definitely gone downhill nowadays, let me tell you."

Talks a lot of shit and laughs while doing it, mainly just out of disbelief that, yes, people are genuinely this stupid.

If he genuinely gets upset, he's honestly more disappointed than anything else

God, he's such a fucking DAD

Pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance when someone tries to merge in his lane when he's in their blind spot

Overall, likes to bond with his passenger over how dumb other people are but won't usually go past that point.

Isn't really bothered by other people not knowing how to drive.

Karlach:

Okay bear with me I'm aware it's strange to see the literal barbarian of the party over here but hear me out

Karlach really only rages when people are dicks to innocents and to the people who tormented her. I can't see her getting mad unless she's in the passenger seat. Then it's going down.

She's the one getting mad for Wyll whenever he's driving.

Says "yikes" before she almost gets in a collision but is one of those women who are just quiet while desperately trying not to hit the other car

A PERFECT maneuverer, gets in that motherfucking parking spot no questions asked

She's kind of an "Anyway!" type of driver whenever people are stupid on the road. She can smell bad drivers and just speeds past them.

"Nope, not dealing with your shit today. Bye!"

The only reason she's lower than Gale is because she's got some hardcore road rage but only when she's not the one driving.

Because how in the hell are you gonna make my friend's driving experience bad?? I'll kill you??

Lae'zel:

Thinks everybody sucks at driving except her

And genuinely?? She is a very good driver, knows all the rules and is very aware of her surroundings

The reason why I don’t put Lae’zel in the worst category is because normally with her road rage, she’s typically the type to deal with it and move on.

I do also think that when it comes a time that people are idiots and she needs to try and get out of it alive, she’s much like Karlach and are radio silent during near-death situations.

Please, please keep in mind that that silence is temporary, though. If anyone DARES hit her car that she paid for on the road, they’re pulling over and having a nice little chat.

Nice as in getting their dick ripped off, sure.

“Now, you’re going to tell me exactly why you thought it would be a smart idea to blind me with your headlights and expect to not get collided.”

She’s verbally tearing them limb from limb, criticizing the driving school they went to, demanding the address of the DMV that gave them their damned license.

“Whoever gave you a passing grade must have a brain hemorrhage, truly. I cannot fathom the idiocy it takes to put someone like you anywhere near a vehicle.”

WORST:

Shadowheart:

Okay, yeah, she talks shit. She'll say it to their faces, and behind their backs.

Very chill driver otherwise and is just trying to get where she's trying to go

Like Halsin, she's also fairly safe, braking in advance if she sees shit and looking at both sides of a crosswalk to make sure some fuckwad isn't gonna sprint to the other side before she drives over it.

You don't usually see her road rage due to how accommodating she is in case of dumbasses but when she does she roasts the shit out of them

Racist when it comes to car makes and their drivers lmao

"Dodge Ram drivers are all the same, I swear." She'll grumble, flashing her lights at people who don't turn off their brights at night.

Total tailgater but only when she's alone.

"It wouldn't kill you to go the damned speed limit every once and a while, you know."

Definitely thinks she's the best driver out of all the companions

Whenever she has to pull to the side of the road after someone hit her they're shitting their pants

"I'm sorry I didn't see you--" "Oh, you didn't see me? Didn't see the bright-colored car directly beside you before you merged over? Are you sure your eyes are okay to drive with?"

Jahiera:

Literally will not shut the fuck up over how terrible this new generation is at driving

Any time she gets on the freeway it looks like she's looking in 15 directions at once every three seconds

Also a very good driver but definitely not accommodative for idiots on the road.

You WILL let her merge. Definitely a horn-honker.

It's so embarrassing because she'll honk her horn at fucking everything.

Someone goes first at a stop sign when it was her turn? Honk.

Someone turns left at an unprotected light when they're supposed to wait for her? Honk.

Someone misses their exit and goes off the road even though they weren't even in front of her? HONK.

She treats it like a damn wrong button.

If a car speeds past her only to end up one car in front of her, she'll physically put her hands up in confusion and go "WHAT WAS THE POINT???"

"All these young people with so many places to go. You'd think it would kill them to stop and smell the flowers every once and a while."

Minthara:

Lord help the fucking soul that pisses off Minthara on the road.

I theorize that Minthara is a very, very aggressive driver. She is the first one to speed off when the light turns green.

She’s the motherfucker behind you on the freeway with headlights full blast because you DARED to go the speed limit for 2 seconds.

Flashes her brights quick enough to kill someone with epilepsy at the wheel whenever they accidentally leave their brights on

I feel like it’s obvious at this point but Minthara isn’t vocal in her road rage. Her actions speak enough for her.

She’ll mutter shit under her breath but honestly it just sounds like she’s putting a damn hex on them.

Likes to drive with no music like the fucking sociopath she is

If someone hits her, she’ll brake check and give them a worse-looking car. She needs to have the last say.

Which, yes, she’s just like that one guy in the tiktok who speeds after a car that hit and ran him, screaming on the mic “HE HIT ME AND TRYNA LEAVE!!! HE HIT ME AND TRYNA LEAVEEEE!”

That is Minthara.

You WILL regret driving anywhere in her vicinity.

Astarion:

Such a motherfucking chaotic driver. His road rage isn't bad in the sense of yelling behind the wheel. The lengths he goes to prove a point are what put him down here.

For example, if someone's tailgating him, he'll stop. Not a mere brake check. A stop. And he'll get rear-ended, just to get that fucking insurance money.

He prefers an untouched car, don't get me wrong, but he welcomes people to be idiots on the road.

He's also the type to drive motorcyclists off the road.

"Oh, you like to go fast? I can go fast too. Here, let me demonstrate."

Type of person to write notes on people's parked cars about how much they suck at parking

Once he wrote a fake ticket for someone who parked in his favorite spot at a particular joint he frequents.

His insurance hates him 😭

Is so petty with his road rage

If you're on his ass when he's already going 10 over, guess what? We're going 10 under now. The whole time.

Flips people off if they're lucky

[roxyco-deliverygirl]

The only reason you don't like BG3 is because your bad at it

So! My main criticism of Baldurs Gate 3 is the story, for the most part I like the combat (which is the only thing you could be good or bad at) and as for weather I'm bad at the combat

Here's Morgana showing off my 100% achievements, including the foehammer achievement for completing the game in honour mode which is the hardest difficulty.

The overarching story is fine, it's a reason for you to go from point A to point B. You explore act 1 to find a healer for the tadpole, you go to moonrise in act 2 because that's where the tadpoles come from, you go to the city because that's where the Absolute is. It's passable, it does what it has to.

Act 1 is easily the best, all the quests feel like they lead naturally to each other. You have to go to the druids grove, in the grove you get told about the goblin camp and there are 2 ways to learn bout the swamp and a way to learn about the Gith in the mountain pass. And so on. Act 2 feels like it only has 2 or 3 real quests and a few optional boss fights standing like 10 feet apart from each other. Act 3 is better, but it does feel like a single street with dungeons on each side.

Companions are I think the worst, I don't like most of them. Astarion is a piece of shit and the correct choice is to stake him the first chance you get. Gale is honestly quite frustrating, imagine your girlfriend got shot so you decide to get really into building guns, and then get mad when she breaks up with you. Shadowheart has improved since last time I played, her story is like escaping a cult but she does get better across the story. Jaheira and Minsc are from the older balders gate games but in this one they feel pretty shit, Jaheira kills herself in moonrise tower 9 times out of 10, and you can only recruit Minsc on the one time that Jaheira survives. Halsin is alright and I think people getting mad about the bear sex is funny but it's kinda weird how early you meet him compared to when you can actually bring him into your party. Minthara is the same but at least she's an actual evil companion rather than a stupid one like Astarion. The companions I do really like though are Wyll, Karlach and Lae'zel. Wyll and Karlach are genuinly kind and heroic and the way they tie into the main story of act 3 is great. Lae'zel is a similar path to Shadowhearts story of escaping a cult but it's fleshed out so much more and actually has an impact on the larger story with freeing Orpheus.

My least favourite part of the game is the Emperor, he lies to the party constantly for the entire game, says that he's never lied to you, calls you a traitor for looking into other possibilities to save the world and then when you find another possibility he betrays you and joins the evil super brain. What's the point in any of what he did? If joining the absolute was an option that the emperor was willing to consider and go through with, then why was he trying so hard to fight against the absolute? And you can't convince him otherwise, like his plan to eat Orpheus and use that power to go into the final battle is not the only way. One of the options to go into the final battle is to free Orpheus and have a party member become a mind flayer, the only thing you need to succeed is Orpheus and a mind flayer, something we've had the entire time. Why is there no option to get the emperor and Orpheus to work together when that would work? He's a stupid character and I don't like him.

One thing that is a big criticism I have is the choices on what bugs and exploits to fix, over 7 majour patches they've repeatedly failed to fix infinite money exploits. But stuff like the broken elevator in the Shar temple in act 2 is still broken.

I did say that I like the combat, but tactician difficulty makes a lot of it less fun, legendary resistance is a very boring mechanic, a lot of the extra powers that bosses get are usually just frustrating rather than challenging. Mostly it's all right though, it was good to beat it.

Overall Baldurs Gate 3 is like, 6/10

The combat is good, the story and most of the characters are bad.