#burnout recovery diaries

[faithfromanewperspective]

been thinking a bit about a burnout recovery diary blog as a concept. there's a lot of people talking about burnout, accommodating themselves to get through autistic burnout, but i'm seeing very little that builds on the science behind our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems and while i don't know a lot, i do have more than a high school level of biology education and this is really important to me and i'm a pretty good learner. my only fear is that at present i'm not really recovering, i'm simply letting go of things that are making it worse like i've done all my life. anyway here's a poll so i can gauge where all of us are on this too

and of course, my favourite graphic i've ever edited (credits to the original creator). if i made a burnout recovery blog it would be full of things like this (as well as more serious advice etc)

[questionable-idea]

no matter how good i think i'm doing, lying curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor always feels so oddly cathartic and comforting

[callaeidae3]

Whumptober2024 Master post

Yay, I completed it! ✨ This month's personal challenge to myself was to draw something traditional art for each prompt.

All my drawings were with 2B pencil, art liner / fine tip pen, artist pen brushes (some india ink based, some alchohol based, some watercolour based), and some skin tone pencils...which I finally bought some of close to the end.

The paper was mostly that of my art journal (i.e. visual diary), except for one (the shipwreck one) which I did on printer paper.

Here's the list of completed Whumptober2024 prompts:

1. "If we only we could hold on" (KK)

2. Trust issues (VLD)

3. Set up for failure | Wrongfully arrested (KK)

4. Hallucinations (KK)

5. Healing salve (KK)

6. Not realising they're injured | Unhealthy coping mechanisms | Healed wrong (VLD)

7. Only for emergencies (KK)

8. Sleep deprivation (KK)

9. Bruises (KK)

10. Blow to the head | Slurred words (KK)

11. “Leave no trace behind, like you don't even exist.” (KK)

12. Starvation | Underground caverns | "Just a little more" (VLD)

13. Shivering (alt prompt) (KK)

14. Left for dead (OC: Deer boi whumpee)

15. Painful hug (OC: Deer boi whumpee)

16. Wound cleaning (KK)

17. Shipwrecked (OC)

18. Loss of identity (KK)

19. One way out (KK)

20. Emotional angst | Shoulder to cry on (KK)

21. Secrets revealed (alt prompt) (VLD)

22. Bleeding through the bandages (KK)

23. Forced choice (VLD)

24. Regret (alt prompt) (KK)

25. Surgery | Stitches | Being monitored (KK)

26. Nightmares (KK)

27. Communication barrier (alt prompt) (KK)

28. Exposure (OC: Mer caretaker + human whumpee)

29. Fatigue | Burnout (OC: Winged whumpee)

30. Recovery | Hospital bed (KK)

31. Asking for help (KK)

[themercurial-studying]

7/6;

have been a bit of a ghost lately both in life and on here;

since school’s been out i’m unsure what to post about - i was working on a masters proposal and doing some self study, but i got hit with a 4-year degree’s worth of burnout, along with some new medical issues, which has all left me feeling drained, exhausted, sleepy and otherwise unable to do much pretty much all the time.

i spent my whole degree doing my planning, reading and note-taking digitally, so my first order of burnout recovery business was to reduce my screen time drastically. i’ve moved into a paper book for my, i guess bullet journal or just journal or diary or just notebook really. i say ‘a paper book’ though i do have an entire mildly convoluted system of them, which has been an on/off thing for me throughout the years. i imagine i’ll be posting more of that instead of study stuff since i’m taking an indefinite (or, well, until masters applications open again after i missed this year’s deadline) break from structured studying. i might dip back into self studying when i feel better, since i feel like i have a lot of gaps from my mildly chaotic interdisciplinary undergrad that i would like to fill, so that next time i try to apply for masters it hopefully doesn’t knock me dead like it did now.

so i guess in the mean time i’m focusing on recovery and my comforting little hobbies, like my notebooks and my reading and my knitting, and just trying to take things day by day.

if you read to this point, thank you!

[kaladinsspear]

Diary entry featuring thoughts on burnout and burnout recovery. Feel free to read or give your thoughts if you want, but its probably not that interesting to most people. ^_^

I have been very frustrated with myself lately. I have always been a relatively disciplined and internally motivated person, but lately it feels like my willpower just doesn't exist. I have slept past my alarm and been late for work, gotten distracted by my phone and added hours to my work day, missed assignment deadlines and blew off assigned reading at school, let my room become a mess, missed doctor appointments, eaten a stupid amount of sugar, ect. Its honestly embarrassing, and I've been really angry with myself.

I just saw a post talking about how a freelance worker structures their day and enforces breaks for things like yoga, nutritious meals, and walking. They build vacation days into their schedule, and they do not work on weekends. The poster said that when they first started working freelance, the worked so much that they burnt out, and are only just now starting to regain a measure of the productivity that they lost.

Reading that post gave me an epiphany: I'm burnt the fuck out and it makes sense that I'm struggling to be productive. I have spent the last 4 years (at least) in a state of near panic trying to manage the amount of work I had to do. I was getting up at 5:30, going to bed at 10:30/11:00 and pushing pushing pushing every minuite inbetween. I got to sleep in until 9:00 on the weekends, and that was the extent my break.

I guess the post just made me realize that burnout requires recovery, and that recovery takes longer than a few weeks or even a few months. I might be in a much better place, but it it took me years to get here, it is going to take more than a few months to recover.

In light of this epiphany, I'm going to stop stressing about it so much. Its summer, which means that I have from sunrise until sunset to get my work done, and the pools are mostly clean. I'm going to try to get distracted as little as possible, but im not going to be mad at myself for struggling to stay on task. Extra long work days are irritating, but it wont effect my paycheck and it wont effect my reputation in the company. I'm not going to go back to school full time. I have to keep going because if I stop I have to start paying student loans, but I'm going to accept that it will take me an extra couple years to graduate and stick with 2 classes a semester instead of 4.

I'm not going to change what I'm doing all that much, but I'm going to show myself a little more forgivenes and grace and trust that I am a responsible and disciplined person, that that those parts of my personality will reassert themselves when I have recovered enough for them to do so. In the mean time, my job is to find support structures to keep my life together, and cultivate an environment which allows me to grow.

[hibiscera]

Also today was good. (: Princess Peach Showtime came in the mail today so I just let myself play that all day after getting chores done!

I’m not gonna make this blog my Autism Burnout Recovery Diary or anything (I might actually get an actual journal for that), but it did feel nice to just let myself play a game with the knowledge it’ll be good for me to do so. And I even got some stuff done after! I know it’ll be a long road but this was a good start… 😭

Also the game is very cute and fun. ☺️

[trans-axolotl]

starting to think about what i want to do for new years resolutions this year! i love making new years resolutions and reflecting on things and ill probably write up a silly pretentious list of new years resolutions in my journal soon but. i think one thing i want to do is just make a list of every book that's been on my radar or that is half complete or that i want to reread in 2023 and make a nice long book list!

another thing i want to do is commit to getting my writing on another platform then tumblr. thinking about posting stuff to medium and also making some instagram accounts to publish stuff in regards to my antipsych research project. i love tumblr for social media but it is not the best for building up a portfolio of work to be able to share with people in my real life!

i have a lot of goals for 2023 lmao. i think they can sort of be seperated into three areas. one area of goals is about my continued eating disorder recovery and overall mental wellness. one set of goals is about my day to day life and like social life and university/neighborhood community life. other set of goals is about my community organizing--i think for the first half of 2023 it's going to be pretty focused on my antipsych community project and getting all that set up. probably reevaulate halfway through the year and try to keep getting involved in some other things.

idk! feeling really motivated and also coming to terms with what reasonable goals were. i was feeling really burnout the past couple of years and feeling like i wasn't doing anything bc a lot of the things i feel most passionate about are community projects that don't exist yet in the area where i live, so if i wanted those things to exist i would have to create them myself. and although i really think that i can create those things--I needed to take care of myself and get my life established enough so that i wasn't getting burnout. it's not worth much to commit myself to causes if i can't actually commit myself to it because i'm burnout and crying all the time. also remembering that not every part of my life has to be about other people--it's okay that part of my life is taking time to do things that bring me joy like ballroom dance. i also am coming to terms with the fact that i might not be able to get as meaningfully involved in things as I would like while im at university because like. school takes up so much fucking time! and in many ways the things i am most qualified and able to do in terms of activism are things that i am not qualifed in able to do in a location where i don't actually live and know the people in that community and know that the people in my community actually need. so i think i'm going to change some of my focus from trying to start things and instead just consistently commit to showing up in smaller more consistent ways for other orgs and let myself get into my passion through my antipsych research project. also i think half the reason i couldn't get as involved in community things as i wanted was because the past two years were also moving to a new place during Covid and having everything be shut down or not accessible because people weren't masking.

idk. long ramble that is just my journal entry for today LMAO i really do treat tumblr like a diary group chat

[politemagic]

I'm a False Dawn Lying Through My Teeth

I'm not quite sure what this is, a lyrical analysis or a diary entry, but I just feel this song in the deepest pits of my soul and I just wanted an avenue to express these feelings. This will be below a cut out of respect for the dash (and because it's... a lot) but I don't know, perhaps someone else can relate.

So it's four in the morning, and I'm mourning All the versions of my person I could've been

If you're reading this, you probably are aware that I have a severe anxiety disorder coupled with major depressive disorder. It's next to impossible for me to turn my brain off on my own, and this leads to a lot of late nights of racing thoughts and self-hatred. They say never trust your thoughts after 10pm, but every night I fall into a new existential crisis over who I thought I would become and who I'm turning out to be.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Turns out I don't amount to anything There's a prophecy of me that's been seen But I just don't believe it

I was always the quiet kid, the ridiculously smart one who just put her head down and did her work. I spent my entire school life hearing my teachers tell my parents how much potential I had, how impressed they were with me, how they knew I would go on to do great things one day. I never really believed them.

Today, a victim of "gifted kid burnout", I can't imagine myself fulfilling these "prophecies" that they told. I'm terrified of change, of putting myself out there, of failure, and it has held me back in every possible aspect of my life. I feel like I am doomed to fall short of that potential, that I'm bound to end up completely unremarkable.

So I'm coming to grips with my feelings All the chances I'm inhaling and I'm wasting

Since my hospitalization earlier this year, I've sat in therapy talking about how I feel like I'm incapable of these things, how I feel like I can't do anything for myself, personally or professionally. Every time an opportunity comes to me, I fear it's too good to be true or I'm afraid of the change it will bring.

I was given a wonderful opportunity by a family member to work for their company, and I feel like I'm falling short because I just don't have the skill set for what they seem to want anymore (started as videography and is now morphing into social media management which is not my jam) I want to leave and find something else, but with how difficult it was for me to find this job, I feel like that's a waste of this opportunity for growth. I should want to put this under my belt, learn these new skills, but it isn't what I envisioned for myself and I can't find the motivation to learn them. I just want to give up.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Yeah, I'm going nowhere from whence I came There's a prophecy of me that's been seen But I just don't believe it I just don't believe it

The "going nowhere from whence I came" hits me in the chest every time. I feel like every time I make any progress, I'm set back to where I started. It feels like fake progress every time, not because I went back to square one, but because I didn't internalize any of that healing.

And if I can't make that progress, how am I ever supposed to get anywhere? I constantly feel stuck in myself, my situation, my life. Where I am now, I can't imagine meeting anyone's expectations of me.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again

The hardest part of recovery for me has been watching my loved ones watch me fall over and over. Every time the suicidal thoughts creep back in, I feel like I'm failing them. Every time I get lost in the sea of hopelessness, I feel like I'm letting them down.

I'm letting myself down.

I try to spin everything to make it seem like I'm making progress, so that they won't give up on me, but I feel like a lost cause most days. I tell them I'm feeling better, more myself, yet when I look to my future I just. Can't see it. I can't imagine myself in the future, in any respect. A big move is coming up, and I can't picture my life there. I can't picture my life anywhere.

There are a lot of days I just want to tell my family that they should stop holding their breath for me to be okay again, I just feel like I'm going to be broken like this forever, if medication and therapy aren't helping and I can't do anything for myself. I think their energy would be better spent elsewhere.

Now I know that all my hope is just a hoaxing Every well that I wish in is failure provoking

All too familiar with the feeling of finally getting my hopes up only to have them crushed or turn out poorly. I hoped to get a promotion at work because I had been told I was qualified for one. I got laid off instead. I poured my soul into that job, unfortunately, and all it left me with was a feeling of failure. That I wasn't good enough, no matter what they said.

I got my hopes up for jobs, searching for some direction in my life because I can't find it in myself, and came up empty every time. And now that I have a job, I just feel like I'm destined to disappoint them because I'm not what they wanted.

From humble beginnings to humble ends Baby, I'm a loser, don't mean a thing Prophecies of me have been seen That I just don't believe in

Self explanatory, really. I do honestly look at myself as a loser with no significance. I have a very limited circle of friends that I barely manage to maintain through my emotional ups and downs. I keep getting beat down, and it doesn't affect anyone. I leave and everything carries on without me. This prophetic vision of me exists almost entirely inside of my own head and the heads of others.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again If I'm willing to be lucky again I hope that providence is luminous enough To show me the way To show me the way

I don't believe in God, I'm non-religious, but every day I wish I could believe in something to guide me, because I can't guide myself. If I ever let myself hope, I want some kind of confirmation that I'm putting my hopes in the right place.

Save your faith, I'll let you down again Well, I'm failing you and I'm failing myself 'Cause I'm a false dawn lying through my teeth On the horizon, there's nothing left to see Save your faith, I'll let you down again

My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing great, he only wants to see me once a month. Yet so much of that is influenced by the fact that I can't shake this need to get a "good grade" in therapy. I focus on the small areas where I have seen improvement, yet kind of gloss over the things really dragging me down. And unfortunately, even when I try to emphasize them, we wind up back on "you're doing so well!" My last session I spent half of it talking about a serious dissociative episode and we ended with me being on a really good track because I recognized that I deserved better than my emotionally abusive ex (which I've known for years).

When my struggles aren't acknowledged the same as my victories, I feel like I'm lying, painting this image of the sun on the horizon when in fact I'm sinking beneath the horizon faster than ever. I know we need to celebrate our wins, but when everyone starts looking at me like I'm on the "other side" of suicidal ideation and depression, I feel like I'm disappointing them when I point out where I'm still having a hard time.

Every time the thoughts come back and I tell someone, I see their heart break, and I just wish... I just wish they wouldn't care as much. I feel like I'm only going to let them down again.

This was a lot of possibly incoherent word vomit and probably more personal than it really needed to be, but this album speaks to me in ways I could never truly explain. I've listened to this song 10 times in a row, a blubbering mess, and just. Needed to get it out. So if you read this far, I'm sorry.

[thomsong93]

Living or just dying?

2023 proved to be one for my worst years for mental health. I did hope that turning 30 this year would inspire me to live life to the fullest, now that my youth is going to start disappearing.

It's now the end of the year and all I experienced was constant pain. And I'm still trying to figure out why.

I did this thing again, where I search for happiness. Or I suppose you could also call it 'trying new things' but basically as usual, I was unhappy with the status quo.

I did a vocational course which proved to be difficult and taxing. Perhaps it was what I needed to see that I'm not doing so well. Very quickly, I just deteriorated. Though I'm unsure how much of this deterioration was situational.

I wanted

... to change my antidepressant, as I began to feel more conflict within. This was a risky thing to do when I was already struggling. Quitting an antidepressant is difficult enough. Now I'm on a new one and it's hard to tell if it's working. I need to endure another month or two before I make a decision. And I use the word endure because that's what every waking minute as been like.

I'm almost finished with the course, almost done with the year and hopefully get to visit my family soon.

But this year has felt like more than just total burnout. It's felt like a year of the worst depression I've ever experienced. I feel like I realised something and my mind is having trouble coming to terms with it.

I realised

I lost hope of one day becoming somebody. Of talent. It was always a dream. Not necessarily famous but leaving a mark in someway. Through music or acting. I gave up on music long ago. I lost that talent. And I've lost my confidence with acting. And I'm starting to lose my self worth.

I've realised that I can't be happy chasing a dream because I'll forever move the goal posts. And now I'm left thinking 'now what do I do?'. I began to self harm again, I needed to keep a 'worthiness diary' because suicidal thoughts were daily and at times my partner held me as I fell apart in his arms.

I think I'm struggling to be okay with being nothing. And I want so badly to be okay with just nothing. I came from nothing and I'll go back to nothing. Nothing is just nothing and it shouldn't be scary. I want to do a full 180 and focus on 'nothing' over something.

But it feels impossible to do this safely, without seeing the logic of suicide. I don't feel joy with nothing. Maybe contentment. Maybe relief. But there is no joy.

So here I am.

Alive. But not living. And I can actually feel my brain and my heart dying. My brain seems to not be sharp anymore. I'm slow, stupid and losing my memory. And my heart has this constant pain, it is a physical pain stemming from an emotional pain. And there's not much of my heart left.

I am leaning more towards suicide as an option every day and feel anger that it is unacceptable. I want nothing more than some way for this pain to end.

I am weak. The weak perish and that's life. I can't survive on my own.

So what now?

I can't die. I have to live.

So I must find a new medication, therapy or way to feel joy again. That's all I know. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless.

This all feels true, I don't care if it is or isn't in actuality. I should at least be allowed to admit what feels true to me.

I don't know how I'll recover from this.

I don't know how long it will take. Or if a full recovery will even happen. If I'm making a mistake not cutting things short.

For now, I'm in limbo trying to count my blessings.

Trying to make sense of all that does not make sense. Trying to see fairness in all that isn't fair. Trying to find myself when I'm lost.

Trying to live while I'm dying.

[scandireader]

have been listening to many podcasts with interviews with people who have had a burnout because i find it helps me a lot & these are some things that i keep hearing, aka character features that many people with burnout share:

a need for control

perfectionism

a feeling of not being good enough

wanting to be liked

a feeling of not deserving rest / not knowing how to rest

all of these features have underlying causes or fears which differ from person to person

[cowsparsley]

[streamacademe]

Week 218, Day 1520.

My dad has had over 2 litres of fluid drained from his lungs, which is a huge weight off... well.. his lungs. He can breathe a lot better and we are hoping that he will be discharged in the next few days. It’s going to be a really long and strenuous recovery journey for him, but at least he’s on that journey. This good news has left me feeling like I can also breathe again. 

A huge weight has also been lifted off my shoulders. I just sent my first, almost full, thesis draft to the council (my supervisors). The only things I haven’t written yet are the ‘future work’ section in my ‘Discussion’, the ‘Introduction’, and the ‘Abstract’. I am so happy I could cry. This is a huge milestone for me, especially as the last few weeks have been hell. 

I now have four days off ahead and I am going to start them with a hot shower and a big cup of chamomile tea. 🌼

I am utterly exhausted.

Have a great rest of the week y’all. xoxo

Picture: Whoever made this meme has definitely been where I am right now. Source: Tumblr, obv.

[plainolddevilme]

How to start? Simple just start.

Why start? Well that is more complex and also simpler really: This is my open diary of recovery from weight issues and burnout / depression. As the German saying Ein gesunder Geist braucht einen gesunden Körper - meaning being of sound mind and body.

I have always had issues with my weight all my life like we all do. My turning point (again) was in August last year weighing in at over 105kg. Meaning I was lethargic, having hart respiratory issues and a general unwell feeling. Add high bloodpressure, massive workload, zero exercise and the classic of buying new bigger clothes for myself. Is not a situation anybody would like to find themselves in. Convincing yourself otherwise is being a bit daft.

So what did I do? Changed my mindset, reactivated my sports apps (tried to do 10-15min workout every 1,5hrs), which I downloaded at the beginnig of my first lockdown, ate healthier. On top of that my girlfriend threw me out the flat when she came home in order for me to do my 1-2hr walk before my late night workshift. This helped me get under 100kgs again after a long time again by Christmas 2020. Around this time I decided to buy myself two 20kgs kettelbells after weighing up the pros and cons, and was best thing I did at the time and still is. Took me a while though to get used to them weightwise and also technique. Get the swing right and you will be on the road to having fun with these babies.

This went well for me till 10th Febuary when my mind snapped. More about that at a later time. Need to fast forward here till mid April, when I started to feel more grounded. How did I notice this? I started reading books again, Also I felt the need to exercise my body again. Although not mentally top fit at that point it was another turning point in my life on my road of recovery. Although due to my then mental situation it was a slow re-start which lasted till mid May when the weather got to hot. Parallel I kept on my daily long walks of easily 10km per day. So June and July this year were more about getting my mental health back up as well and not so much my body. During that time I started looking into new ways of exercise on youtube. So I came across quite a few new peopel and their input for me (Lucy Lismore, Obi Vincent, the Buff Dudes, Mark Lauren etc). Just watching this was a first step to getting my mind hooked on the feeling of flexing my muscles again. This time round instead of just doing usuall throwing around weights and losing interest after a short while. I decided to change my routine every two weeks combining calisthenics with weight training plus cardio twice a week. So at this point two months after starting this I am down from 101kgs to 98,5kgs - slowly but surely. One illusion I am no longer under is that I will look like a catwalk dude due to my genes and bodytape.     

Now every two weeks I write up a new programm with which I mold my body and feel good about it. 

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence: New Life masterpost

Recovery is a tedious, nonlinear process. Demyx, Ienzo, and the others living in Radiant Garden's castle have to learn to come to terms with their pasts and their memories, learn to grow, and begin to understand what, exactly, it means to be human. While there is unexpected joy in this, there is also unexpected sorrow.

A series of loosely interconnected oneshots set after Beyond this Existence. Zemyx (Demyx/Older!Ienzo), roughly canon-compliant, complete. NSFW shorts will be designated with an N.

Short 1: Privacy N

Ienzo struggles to recover from the coma, leading to unexpected difficulties between himself and Demyx.

Short 2: Date

Now that things have settled down, Demyx asks Ienzo on their first date. However, the past crops up unbidden.

Short 3: Insomnia

Ienzo has trouble sleeping.

Short 4: Gesture N

Ienzo has a gift for Demyx.

Short 5: Hair

Demyx helps give Ienzo a haircut, but this is not as simple as it seems.

Short 6: Picnic N

Demyx and Ienzo go on a picnic.

Short 7: Burnout

A tough patient causes Demyx to burn out, which raises some questions as to why he's turned to healing in the first place.

Short 8: Precarious

Demyx finds Ansem wandering deliriously in the rain, and this dredges up painful memories for all involved.

Short 9: Still

After witnessing Ansem's fragile mental state, Ienzo is deeply unsettled.

Short 10: Too Late

Demyx loses a patient, and it dredges up painful memories of the past.

Short 11: Revision

While getting his help with the memorial project, Ienzo has a troubling conversation with Dilan.

Short 12: Vulnerable

A hidden diary sparks an unexpected conversation between Demyx and Ansem.

Short 13: Chemistry N

The newness of Demyx and Ienzo's relationship takes some getting used to.

Short 14: Explore N

Living together shifts the dynamic between Demyx and Ienzo.

Short 15: Smoke

One of Aerith's tests leaves Demyx with an unanticipated award.

Short 16: Unlucky

A routine case with a vengeful patient leaves Demyx with more than he bargained for.

Short 17: Potential N

After seeing his project to fruition, Ienzo tries to figure out what to do next.

Short 18: Anniversary N

Now that Demyx and Ienzo have been together a year, they're struggling to come to terms with permanence.

Short 19: Friendly

Even comes to Demyx to have a wound healed, only to end up in a deeper conversation neither of them want to be having.

Short 20: Storied

Ienzo and Ansem attempt to repair their bond.

Short 21: Census N

Radiant Garden's census should be simple and boring, but ends up raising bigger questions about Demyx and Ienzo's relationship.

Short 22: Listless

Ienzo isn’t okay.

Short 23: Escape N

Having space to return to grants Demyx and Ienzo new freedoms.

Short 24: Unsettled

Troubled by the lack of purpose, Ienzo attempts to dispose of papers of the past, only to end up caught within it.

Short 25: Visitors

Demyx meets someone who also has an ancient legacy, and comes to a realization about his past.

Short 26: History

Ienzo gathers the stories of the survivors and presents them to Even. The effects of the darkness linger.

Short 27: Committed N

Demyx and Ienzo reach a new phase in their life together.

Short 28: Seaside N

Demyx and Ienzo go on vacation.

Short 29: Grown

It’s Ienzo’s birthday.

Short 30: Adventurous N

On a rainy day with nothing to do, Demyx and Ienzo decide to go exploring.

Short 31: In Sickness

Ienzo catches the flu.

Short 32: Rendezvous N

Demyx helps Ienzo with something in the library.

Short 33: The Day Off N

It's just a lazy Sunday.

Short 34: Scarred

Demyx and Even try to deepen their friendship.

Short 35: Someday

Time passes. Those at Radiant Garden's castle continue to change and grow. Demyx and Ienzo live out the rest of their lives.

[polyartistdiaries]

Poly diaries - why am I so happy? :)

I've read an article today which said "newsflash: artists get deep. with everything". Made me feel like a frickin' vampire. Because it's true. 

I ended 2019 being ridiculously happy and that, of course, made me wonder: was 2019 really such a good year?

But the more I looked back, the more I found reasons why it wasn't. I've started it with a few months of emotional distress and pain caused by someone in the kink community which made me take another step back from the community. Also, the first 6 months had so much work that when I finally took a break I was in a terrible emotional and psychical burnout state. I had gained weight and that made me hate myself even more. Starting April I began feeling pain in my knee which lead to my surgery in September. The surgery and the recovery translated in a lot of expenses which lead to a few months of financial distress as I had never felt in years. Then the pre-holiday period started and that meant a hell lot more work. And these are only the "highlights" that made my misanthropic self thrive.

So what in the world made me feel that 2019 was the best year of my life? Well ... career-wise the studio I share with Sylar grew a lot and we got some important recognition, I recovered quite nicely after my surgery, managed to heal some old emotional wounds (even if this meant I made my peace with keeping my distance from, you know ... people, even from some I still call friends) and to lose the weight I gained (and a little extra). But this wasn't it. This was not what made me explode with euphoria. 

And then it hit me: my policule. My policule has become my family, my comfort, my happiness. I have two amazing partners and lovers and one metamour who's my best friend. It turns out, at least for now, it's all I need to be ridiculously happy even if the world explodes around us (think of the final image in Fight Club).    

Happy New Year!

[keepthekettleon]

Before I went into Burnout Recovery, my life was fluctuating between 5 on good days and 7 on really bad ones. Now that I've been in recovery for about a month or two, that has changed to a 2 on very good days and a 4 on bad/stressful ones. I'm optimistic that even a 4 will become less and less as time goes on. But I've been in a destructive burnout cycle (yay gifted child syndrome) since I was 14-15, so getting my brain to forget those ingrained pathways of "suicide/self harm is a solution" will take time and might not ever completely happen. Right now is a 3. I might start a diary based on that scale.

So this is a scale my therapist showed me the other day, to sort of put my feelings in perspective. It showed me that what I consider good days are still a 6 on the scale, and bad days are a 7 or an 8.

I haven't seen this here on tumblr and according to the creator's website, it's okay to share. I thought others might benefit from seeing this, too.

Text below the read more.

1. ⁠I am so happy that I will literally go insane if the happiness is sustained for any length of time. 

2. ⁠I am feeling pretty rad. I vaguely recall times I’ve been unhappy but it feels like distant memories now. Things are looking up. 

3. ⁠It is not the best day of my life… I have stuff on my mind, but I don’t think of suicide, except when that one weird friend brings up stupid hypotheticals. 

4. ⁠Suicide doesn’t occur to me except in moments of frustration or stress. It’s like a weird escape hatch my brain has decided to just go to in an attempt to escape stress. It doesn’t feel serious, it’s almost a joke.

 5. ⁠The joke is getting really stale. Suicidal ideation and other intrusive thoughts keep happening, but I am mostly interested in other things. It’s like a low key death affinity.

 6. ⁠I am thinking about suicide a lot. It has become troubling. I can distract myself if I really try, however if an out of control semi was headed towards me, I might not move. I am passively suicidal.

 7. ⁠I cannot stop thinking about suicide, and unfortunately I cannot distract myself. I might be doing more risky things like driving recklessly or drinking to excess. I have graduated from passively suicidal to having a death wish. I need help. 

8. ⁠I am no longer fighting the thoughts, just sort of indulging in them. I sort of want to make the suicide plan, but I am stopping myself. I am holding on, but barely. It isn’t safe for me to be alone. I am suicidal. 

9. ⁠I am actively making a plan to end my life. I am telling people goodbye, settling accounts, and starting to write THE note. I am actively suicidal. I need to tell someone.

 10. ⁠I am actively trying to kill myself. If I do not get medical attention it is very likely I will die.