#bunny guy kylo ren

[ellalba]

Haha! My April fools prank is that I uploaded my Easter Spot Illustration for the the wonderful @kyluxpinupcalendar2024 today!

You've been fooled!

[writerscafehub]

𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀: 𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐱

@thecutestlittlebunbunfairy

From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

I give myself a solid 3 stars. I think I can churn out some good stories and smut, but I know I make grammatical errors and sometimes my stories have an awkward flow, but I'm always working to get better. 

What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

I’ve been told a few times that I have a good story telling ability; so I think that’s where I shine/stand out/ Being able to take a prompt, a song, or just a few quotes and turn it into a full story.

Are there any writers that inspire you?

Unfortunately, a lot of the writers who inspired me have left tumblr and are lost to time. Some of the ones that are still here are angryschnauzer, tsuntsunfangirl, and caffiened-queen. Some new favourites are Navy, hansensgirl, harryspet, tumblin-theworldaway, and of course all my friends in the server <3

What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

It’s so hard to pick just one so i’ll give two! I’m incredibly proud of my Spooptober 2023 collection. It was a tribute and inspired by Hozier’s newest album, and it was the first time I completed a monthly collection! Easter Bunny is definitely a favourite as well; not only a Lee fic (I love our Sheriff so much) but it was a chance to write some real escapist fluff. 

Which character(s) do you find easiest to write and which do you find most difficult to write?

Loki, Bucky, and Cap are definitely my easiest characters. They’re my ol’ reliables and I love all three of them.

Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

The obvious answer is: BUCKY lol. But a lot of my fifcs tgend  to be escapism style stories. Bucky coming in to “rescue” the reader in one form or another, even if it’s a dark “rescue”

Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about!

I have 3 long term multi chapter fics planned that I can’t wait to share with everyone (eventually). Two of them are Kylo Ren fics, with one having Kylo Ren as a Director of an art museum, hiring an intern whom Kylo assumes is a guy, but is actually a v cute girl and the other being a Mafia!Kylo with an arranged marriage. The last is a Loki fic with Loki as the CEO of a company who needs a bride to appear good for business purposes. 

First fandom you ever wrote for?

Technically the MCU. The first ever fic I wrote was a Tom Hiddleston fic.

Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

I admit I don’t really believe in “guilty” pleasures; pleasures should be enjoyed! But man am I a sucker for my dub/non-con, kidnapping, and yandere stories!

A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

I try to not to say “never” because i’m always open to inspiration, but i don’t see myself ever writing anything with pregnancy/babies

Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

I wrote this INSANE fic called “When Magic Meets Insanity” which is a threesome between Loki, Reader, and Jerome Valeska from Gotham. It’s crack to hell and is still available to read on my AO3. 

Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Stucky. Always. They are my OTP and I love how fun it is to explore their relationship. Especially throwing Sam into the mix. 

Do you listen to anything while you write?

It mostly depends on what/who i’m writing, but yes! For example, I’ll listen to oldies stuff when I'm writing for Lee, and I have this GREAT Asgardian library ambience for writing Loki. 

One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

One-shots. 

Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Not really, I sometimes imagine what happens after, but once a fic is done, I tend to just put it on a shelf and leave it. It’s why I hardly write sequels

Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

I long to write some really good multi-chaptered works, but I struggle with writing long term conflict and i’m worried they’ll be awkward and won’t read well. 

What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

The best comment I’ve ever gotten was on my fic Sunlight (Sun God!Steve) from tumblin-theworldaway. She wrote a big huge comment on the fic and it was like the first thing I saw on a monday morning and I needed a good comment. 

Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

I won’t say “comfort zone” but I wrote my first ever Monster Fucker fic not too long ago, “By Land or By Sea” about Sea Monster!Loki and it was defintely new and interesting to write! 

Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

Fluff, always. I’m always a sucker for happy endings (even dark happy endings lol)

Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

Sort of. I have a beauty and the beast style novel planned. The beast is a rich lobbyist for oil industries. And the beauty is an indigenous woman who meets the beast at a cabin in the woods. It’s still heavily in development and i’m not sure when it’ll come to fruition. 

If you could enter the universe of any one of your fics, which would it be and why?

“Teddy Bears” for sure. With slightly dark Bucky and Steve kidnapping me (is it kidnapping if i’m willing?? lol) and telling me I don’t have to work and they’ll take care of me? I’d be there in a heartbeat. 

Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I always write stoned lol. I get a ton of creativity and inspiration from weed and it helps make the ideas flow. It just can take a while to interpret all my stoned ramblings sometimes. 

Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

This is from my most recently published fic, the last fic in my Spooptober Collection, “To Someone from a Warmer Climate. The fic is about a witch!reader who is visited by a humble sheriff, Lee Bodecker. But he is more than meets the eye.

“Mmmmm…damn…That’s the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had. And I just love the taste of the forgetfulness potion you added.”  Your heart dropped into your stomach.                 “What did you say?” He didn’t answer, only leaning back in his chair. He blinked and where crystal blue eyes had seemed to make him handsome and rakish; now were two inky black pits. He blinked again and his eyes were human again, but now his irises were crimson red. You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. You’d dealt with a few lower-level demons in your travels, but never someone who you could walk through your house’s defenses so easily. Usually, any malevolent force was neutralized before it even touched your house. But he…he was something darker. “I’d heard about a pretty witch living out here in the woods.” Lee continued. “Thought it was just another one of them dippy mortals wearing peace signs. But then that little old lady came in, bringing some brownies she said you’d made. And when I tasted them, I knew for sure. There was a real little witch somewhere in town. “Though it took me a while to find ya, darling. All them wards and runes…you’ve kept yourself pretty well hidden. But when that same sweet little old lady called in, worried about her friend in the woods, I knew I’d found you and here you are. Hidden away from the world, cooking up spells your nose buried in a mountain of books. All that defensive magic and you opened the front door for me and invited me in. Silly girl.” His eyes raked over your body, studying you.

Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

Fanfiction writing has been some of the most fun writing I've ever had. I’ve loved writing for my whole life but sometimes it’s a struggle to write and create an entire cast/world. Fanfiction gives a helping hand to an entire gallery of characters with infinite possibilities. Not to mention the fact that based on “What if” logic, there is a multiverse out there where these fics really happen lol. I look forward to even more writing in the future, both fanfic and original. 

[kichimiangra]

So last weekend I saw the fnaf movie with my sibs and tbh I only had 2 problems with the movie.

1.) Career placement guy acts like a fucking cartoon character in one scene and then is never seen again and what the fuck was up with that? That gets stuck in my brain waiting for some kind of return or pay off that just didn't happen!

2.) The William Afton reveal kinda came out of nowhere. Like he is barely brought up by Vanessa for one scene and then he's there and he rips his bunny head off and it's just some guy under there. Like who the fuck is this guy? This is like Kylo Ren taking his helmet off and the imperial March sound queue plays and who the fuck is THIS guy??? This is like Lex Luthor in the flashes body unmasking himself like "I don't know who this is." Like wtf why do this?

...

...

...

You should all know I'm a bit face-blind so it took until the credits said they were played by the same guy for me to realize what was going on. Also that guy is Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

[ao3feed--reylo]

Crossed Wires

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/xWNDjOv

by MurderOfCrowss

Detective Ben Solo's day goes from strange to weird as unexplained things keep happening. Is he losing his mind or is there something the universe is trying to tell him.

 Hope you guys enjoy this little Reylo Twilight Zone episode.

Words: 5960, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M

Characters: Rey (Star Wars), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, Poe Dameron, Finn (Star Wars)

Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Inspired by The Twilight Zone, Ben Solo POV, Detective Ben Solo, Married Ben and Rey, fade to black smut, altered realities, not sure where this plot bunny came from, Could there be a dark Rey in this?, Ben Solo has his dad's humor, Time machines in garages

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/xWNDjOv

[viper-commander]

Do you know what would be really awesome? A Peter Rabbit and Star Wars crossover. No.,,it’s not as cringy as it sounds, it’s actually very funny.

Alright, so remember how General Hux and Thomas Mcgregor are played by the same actor? Well, in this AU these two people are the same person but in different realities.

Hux is the character that lived up to his fullest potential (not as a person however) and became one of the most feared people in the entire universe. He’s rich, a total bastard, and probably owns several planets or something.

Armitage Hux is the unlucky guy that was born unwanted in an abusive household so never quite understood how to be a person.

Meanwhile, Thomas is this guy that could have done all of that but fell under the oppressiveness of capitalism so could never fulfill his dreams of building a corporate empire. Then fired from his job and thus forced to move to his late uncle’s house where he waged fierce battles against the clever little bunny named Peter.

Thomas was probably adopted or something. Isn’t that what people do when they want a baby but can’t quite keep it, they give them away? So Thomas here was adopted into this loving home that hated rabbits and stuff.

Now both of these characters have suppressed potential. In one, Armitage was never given the chance to grow as a person while in a different reality, Thomas was never given the opportunity to become powerful enough to grind people beneath his heel. So I propose this Crack! AU idea. This plotbunny has Armitage and Thomas somehow switch bodies or realities and trying to navigate this life as somebody else.

Thomas finally has the power to do what he wants (after ending a meaningful relationship because of accidents). He already has prior experience defending his vegetables from the vile claws of Peter the Rabbit, and can be under- or over-qualified for the position of general. All previous experience as a gardener and employee somehow helped him become a great strategist (I mean he already was a prodigy of sorts), combined with his more humble outlook on life. He’s less susceptible for being strung along by the likes of Snoke because that’s not him. So Thomas single-handedly causes the First Order to rise further in power and strength by wrestling control away from the manipulative evil Space Wizards. However he doesn’t know how to file paperwork correctly and enlists the help of Mitaka to help manage everything.

Millicent takes care of this new pet. She makes sure to show him all the ropes and unintentionally (perhaps) causes him to overturn the Rebellion and depose of the Final Order.

Kylo Ren doesn’t know what’s happening but it’s probably all his fault.

While in the other universe, Armitage gets to learn what healthy relationships are and CONTINUES THE EPIC BATTLE BETWEEN GARDENER AND RABBIT. FOR THE GLORY OF THE VEGETABLE PATCH!

Hux has been preparing for this moment his entire life. Years of training in the Academy and he will defeat this rabbit. The little game that Thomas and Peter played is Taken to the Next Level. Think dynamite is overkill? Well what about Literal Death Rays and shit. Hours memorizing DIY Weapons of Mass Destruction has not gone to waste.

Millicent in this reality probably raised Thomas so she’s not there anymore. She has lived her life and successfully raised her kitten. However the memories are there. So LOTS OF PICTURES.

Both redheads treat their adventures like some weird fever dream caused by over-exhaustion and overwork.

Both parties that knew them are Concerned. The First Order are confused by this veggie-centric, wildly anti-vermin, version of their general. Especially Kylo, Kylo Ren. While the rabbits and other little forest critters are Unprepared for the full might of General Hux, Starkiller, and adjust themselves accordingly. FOR THE GARDEN.

Then when the two redheads switch back, everyone is just relieved and ignorantly write off the new quirks Thomas and Armitage gained in their respective realities.

Thomas is now more commanding, merciless, and ready to fulfill his dreams as corporate Emperor. Hux has experienced the much needed VK he needed and is more relaxed, however he does miss the adrenaline-thrilling battles of wit he had with the forest critters and probably develops a craving for actual food and normal people.

Then with their new qualifications, both men work to make the world/galaxy a better place. One empire at a time.

[babbushka]

Another Adventure

Flip Zimmerman x Reader x Kylo Ren 

2.4k; NSFW (Threesome MMF, dom/sub undertones (dom!Kylo, dom!Flip), rough PIV, rough oral sex (M receiving), name-calling, gagging, begging, overstimulation, sloppy seconds/come sharing) 

Available on AO3

                                             --------------------------

The evening was going wonderfully so far. Your friends and family were all gathered at the Organa-Solo house, bellies were filled with good food and warm drinks, Matt had played some tunes on the piano that had everyone dancing in the living room, laughter all around. The candles on the menorah are nearly halfway melted, marking the hours that have been passing with joy and love. Flip’s got you on his lap, the both of you tucked up on the couch together. He’s chewing on some gum, because Kylo doesn’t like anyone smoking in his house, and Flip respects that.

You can tell though, that he’s starting to get antsy, starting to get a little irritated just from the lack of nicotine that he’s so used to. You can tell by the way his grip on your body is tightening, one of his hands squeezing at your inner thigh – a simple motion to ground himself in the present.

He doesn’t realize, but that hand on your thigh keeps creeping further and further towards a very indecent place, and it’s been getting you wound up in your own right. You thought you could hold off, thought that you could wait until he brings you back home to beg for it, but his hand squeezes at you again, and it’s the last straw.

“Flip.” You turn to whisper in his ear, biting at your lip as your thighs discreetly try to rub together.

“Hmm?” Flip meets your gaze, totally unaware of your state. It isn’t until he really looks at you that he sees your pupils blown wide and dark with lust, your chest starting to heave from the harshness of your breathing.

“If you don’t fuck me in the next five minutes I think I might cry.” You nip lightly at his earlobe, and his jaw clenches down into a firm line that tells you you’re going to get exactly what you want.

Without preamble, he gives your back a nudge, and you get the hint to stand up and get off his lap. You know Kylo’s house well, you’ve spent so much time there after all, you know exactly where the guest bedroom is upstairs. No one notices as you silently slip away, hands already working at the buttons of your dress as soon as you’re out of the immediate line of sight.

Flip joins you in the guest bedroom only moments later, and you’re glad for his immediacy because you’re not so sure you could’ve waited another minute. His hands are on your face, grasping your cheeks and kissing you deeply, the gum spit out on his way to you.

“Let me see your tits, now.” He orders, and the tone of his voice goes straight to your dripping drooling pussy, soaking through your panties.

A shiver runs up your spine as you undo the front clasp of your bra, letting the cups fall away from your breasts so they’re on proud display through the open buttons of your bodice.

Flip immediately smooths his big palms over them and pinches and squeezes, your nipples so stiff and sensitive as he takes one into your mouth and sucks hard, making you moan.

“Jesus you’re a slut tonight, aren’t you?” Flip pulls away and turns you around, bending you over so you can brace yourself on the mattress. He pushes the skirt of your dress up, and tugs your panties to the side.

He unzips his trousers and tugs out his cock, gives it a couple strokes before rubbing the head of his cock through your sopping wet folds. You whine and press your hips back back back onto his cock, taking him easily, which was no easy feat. The sheets are fresh and well-made, he would hate to rumple them too much, so a quickie will have to do to get you satisfied long enough for him to take you home.

“Look how fuckin’ wet you are ketsl, I don’t even have to finger you for it.” Flip whistles low as he keeps one palm steady on your lower back, your knees pinching in as your cunt swallows him hungrily.

Your shoulders drop and you rest more fully on the mattress, sighing deeply as Flip bottoms out all the way inside you in only two thrusts. Hips squirming just a little to adjust to the girth of him, you can’t help but moan.

“I know, I know Flip please I want to get fucked so bad.” You whine, hands grabbing at the comforter and fisting it in twisting motions, your voice hiccupping around an, “Haven’t I been good all evening?”

“No, you’ve been a brat.” Flip lies, saying it only because that’s what you want to hear, that’s what’ll get you wet – and it works. Your pussy flutters around his cock as he starts to thrust, slow and deep at first, just getting you used to the feeling of the stretch, “You’ve been a very bad girl, ketsl. I shouldn’t give you my cock at all.”

“Please!” You drool into the comforter, thighs shaking, wanting more, wanting him to go faster rougher harder deeper, “Philly please, I – ”

“I know honey-bunny, I’ve got you, I’m right here.” Flip drapes himself over your back and kisses at your neck, sucks and bites on the spot where your throat meets your shoulder, teeth fitting perfectly as his hands grip your hips.

He begins to thrust in earnest then, pushing and pulling his cock in and out, in and out, all the way to the hilt on each shove of his cock against your walls, your pussy spasming and fluttering, so wet and tight and hot and velvety around him. Your eyes roll back into your head and you moan moan moan, muffled into the mattress where your face is pressed against it.

“Oh! Oh yes, yesyesyes right there!” You babble, pussy coating his cock with slick as he plows into you, makes the box spring squeak from the effort.

“Fuck this pussy’s good,” Flip grunts as he lets himself get lost in the feeling of your cunt, hands holding you steady, “I’ve got you, I’ll give you what you want.”

“Thank you! Ah – ah Flip, Flip, harder!” You beg, “Harder please!”

“Shh, we gotta be quiet, or else we’ll – ” Flip casts an anxious look to the door, because he swears for a second that he can hear footsteps out in the hall.

He’s too wrapped up in you to stop or pull out of you when the doorknob turns and the thing opens just wide enough for Kylo to slip into the room. He doesn’t look happy, and Flip doesn’t blame him. He also doesn’t stop fucking you, much to Kylo’s annoyance.

“Fuck you guys, you know that?” Kylo hisses, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the party down on the other level of the house, “We can hear you downstairs.”

You for your part, are just happy to see him, your other favorite mensch.

“H-hi Ky.” You beam up at him, blissed out of your mind already, voice trembling from the force of Flip’s cock thrusting in and out of you.

“Hey baby girl.” He settles himself up onto the bed and rests on his knees, pulling you up onto your hands so that he can kiss you sweetly, never one to actually get too angry with you.

“I told you ketsl, didn’t I tell you?” Flip tsks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and lightly smacks the back of your thigh, cock grinding as far into you as you can go, pitching your whole body forward.

Your mouth presses more firmly against Kylo’s from the motion, and he’s already grabbing and fondling at your breasts from where they bounce, hanging out of your dress bodice.

“Uhhh-hhuhh,” You agree, already making out with Kylo, mouth just happy to be put to work. You yelp a little though, when Flip grazes your gspot at the same time that one of his hands curls around your hip to rub at your clit, “Oh -- Flip!”

“C’mon, open up.” Kylo shakes his head, undoes the buckle of his belt and unzips his trousers, “We gotta gag that pretty mouth of yours with something, don’t we?”

“Make sure she can breathe.” Flip instructs, before leaning over you and caressing your jaw, your throat gently. “Are you comfortable? Neck okay?”

“Mmhmm,” You press a chaste kiss to his palm and give him a big hazy smile over your shoulder.

Kylo’s dick is pretty equal in size to Flip’s, maybe a little shorter but definitely just as thick and veiny. Your moans and sighs and hiccupping whines have Kylo rock hard, cock curving up towards his stomach, his cut head flushed a deep dark red.

“Good girl, be good and suck his cock.” Flip orders, making your pussy flutter around him as he slows down to a steady rhythm so you don’t accidentally choke on Kylo.

Your mouth drops open and your eyes are wide and wet, chest heaving in earnest now as Kylo guides his cock up to your lips. You kiss and suck and lick at his cock, tongue tracing over the veins and dipping into the slit before you wrap your lips around it and slowly start to take him further and further down your throat.

When Flip can’t wait any more, he picks up his pace one again, balls smacking against your ass loudly as he rubs at your clit and rails you, pushing you forward onto Kylo’s cock. Immediately, your noises are muffled, but the slick squelch of your bodies fills the air instead, steams up the windows and the mirror on the dresser, makes you all sweat in your clothes.

Your neck bulges out the hard line of his cock, deep-throating him as tears of pleasure and overwhelming lust spill down your cheeks. Your pussy throbs around Flip’s cock, and they work in tandem, when Flip pushes in, Kylo pulls out. Together they bring you closer closer closer to coming, your body trembling and shaking and jolting with pleasure in their capable hands.

“Such a spoiled princess, getting filled up from – oh fuck – from both ends.” Kylo grunts as he bottoms out, fucking your face slowly and carefully. He’s got one hand in your hair, holding your head as he rocks his hips back and forth.

“Oh she’s spoiled alright.” Flip agrees, making you whine and hum and moan around the dicks that are spearing into you, your body starting to seize up, clenching down hard as your pleasure builds and builds and builds, making Flip curse, “Who could say no to this – shit, ketsl do that again.”

“Hhhmmm,” You try, moaning low in your chest, the vibrations going straight up through Kylo’s cock and up into his spine, spreading through all his nerves as he pets your hair back, pets at your tear-streaked cheek.

Your eyes shut tight and you sob out your orgasm, whole body writhing, making both men still their hips immediately so you don’t get hurt. The crash of it has you nearly blacking out, and Kylo pulls out of your throat so you can gasp and gulp down air, your arms collapsing down underneath you.

“Can I come in her?” Kylo jerks himself off, his own body twitching and growing warm, stomach tensing and nerves singing, veins blazing.

“Just a minute, just let me – oh fuck, fuck – ” Flip blows his load in you, hot and thick, filling your cunt up as he continues to thrust into you, his finger still rubbing your clit, milking your orgasm for as much as he can. His other hand clamps down over your mouth so no one can hear you crying out little babbling whimpering sounds, and after a minute or two, Flip pulls away from your body, letting Kylo take his place,  “Okay, you better not get a fucking drop on her, this is a brand new dress.”

“I – I won’t, sir.” Kylo replies, his cock immediately nudging into your pussy and thrusting in and out, pushing and fucking Flip’s come deeper into you, until Kylo is coming too, adding his load to the mix.

Flip turns your face towards his and kisses you deeply, swallowing your pretty moans and cries as Kylo comes and comes in you. Flip rubs your stomach and praises you for taking them so well, but you’re too out of it to really notice, instead just kissing Flip sloppily and giving him a big dreamy smile and a breathy, “I love you guys.”

“Yeah you fuckin’ better.” Kylo grunts, pulling out of your pussy once he’s sure he’s done. He tucks your panties back into place, watches as the mess of come immediately begins to seep into the fabric there. It’s a good thing Kylo has a couple pairs of your underwear stashed in his bedroom, he’ll probably have to go get you one to last you through the rest of the party.

“Love you too ketsl.” Flip smiles at you warmly, tucking his cock back into his trousers, buttoning himself back up. “Can you stand?”

“In a second, fuck that was good.” You slur your words, and neither man is convinced, but you had a pretty good refractory period, and you’re already becoming more and more sharp as you ask Kylo, “We didn’t miss anything important, did we?”

“Nah, Ben and Matt are wrestling over the last bite of kugel.” Kylo kisses you, pulls you upright to snuggle against his chest, as Flip rubs your thigh – the thing that got you into this damn mess to begin with.

“Aw fuck, I wanted more kugel.” You groan, kissing each of your boys, smiling when they kiss each other.

“Well, tomorrow is another adventure.” Kylo says, standing up and holding out a hand for you to take as leverage.

Flip helps keep you steady with a strong arm around your waist, the three of you heading to the guest bathroom to clean up properly before rejoining the party. Despite coming so hard that you were seeing stars, you don’t look too disheveled – nothing some face wash and a hairbrush couldn’t fix.

And as you rejoin the festivities of the party, as Ben immediately starts yelling about how Hux was cheating at dreidel, as you notice Mattie eating the last bite of kugel, you give your boys a cheeky grin, thinking that you just can’t wait to see what you’ll get up to tomorrow night.

[glassbxttless]

Fluff prompt of Gio bonding with his kids?

I hope you like this! I love Gio so so much.

Giovanni (bk joe guy) Moretti x Reader

Word Count: 1,090

Warnings: female reader, fluff, mentions wine, some bad Italian thrown in there, kiddos, established marriage

Days so nice to keep both of the kids home come few and far between. And he’d be damned if he let this day get away from him. So he pulls Ilaria out of school for the day and tells you to grab the baskets, you’re all going out to the vineyard today. And Giovanni has the biggest smile on his face when he pulls Pietro out of bed that morning. You’re smiling as you help Ilaria into a sundress just as light as yours. Gio’s dressed in slacks and a short sleeve button up, helping Pietro into shorts and a little t-shirt.

And he’s carrying Pietro on his shoulders as Ilaria holds your hand. You walk out to the vineyard on the back half of the property, carrying all of the baskets close to you. Gio’s gold chain is gleaming in the sunlight, just as much as his wedding band is. And you’re thankful you’ve gotten to marry such a wonderful man. He’s laughing along as Pietro orders him to March, tugging on his hair and kicking his legs. Gio’s hands are holding onto Pietro’s thighs so he doesn’t fall. Ilaria’s smiling up at you, “mama? Papa’s happy today.” She points out and you smile, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

“He is pretty happy today, huh? Glad he got to take off work.” You smile as you walk with her. Gio’s had a rough few weeks, with the winery starting off. He’s been stressed and overworked— but he doesn’t mind. He’d do whatever he needed to do for his babies and you.

And he sets Pietro down to open the gate for the four of you, letting the kids trickle in and his hand lazily guides you through by the hip. Maybe his lips brush your temple and he’s smiling. You’re laying out the blanket, complete with the sandwiches you’d made for your family. And Giovanni is teaching the kids how to pick the perfect just right grapes. You sit back and watch quietly.

Giovanni doesn’t really get this time to spend with them much. He’s been so busy, since wanting to open the winery again. The one his father had closed ten years before. The Moretti name isn’t anything without wine, of course. And you encourage the bonding times, you know it doesn’t come easy. After so many rounds of IVF with donor sperm, he’s broken down bit by bit. Enzo willing to give up just a bit of himself so Gio would have a baby that looked just like him. You didn’t mind either way. Enzo’s or a stranger. You’re thankful for Ilaria. You’re thankful for Pietro. You’re amazed at how great of a father Giovanni is and how great of a father he continues to be.

And they laugh as they fill their baskets, Gio lifting them up to find the ones on the higher vines. He may even let them sneak a few into their little giggling mouths while you weren’t looking. And he brings them back to your blanket after an hour or so. Smiling as he looks down at his watch, as golden as the chain and wedding band. “Time for lunch, cuore mio?” He grins that grin you fell in love with so many years before. Pietro is crawling up into your lap, begging for those homemade sandwiches.

Even at two, he could match Gio in eating sandwiches. And Ilaria loved making the bread with you. “You two had a nice day?” He asks, smiling over at you.

The kids both nod, grinning and telling him all about the things they saw on the leaves or the bunnies on the ground. Giovanni listens. He listens carefully. Something his father didn’t do much for him.

And at night, he’s careful to read them each a bedtime story, kiss their foreheads, and tuck them into their beds. All he wants is for them to grow up happy. And he hopes they are each night when he lies them down. Pietro barely knows a word in English and he keeps coaxing him little by little. Because your Italian is still just a teeny bit rusty. And he’s learning from his surroundings. From his papa. Ilaria, on the other hand, is growing into a beautiful little girl. Just like you. And you’re thankful for that. While she does look different from Gio, there’s enough similarities to you that it doesn’t press him much at all. He’s trying. He really is.

And when he lies down next to you at night, chain cold against his skin and stripped down to his boxers— smelling like Sun Song by Louis Vuitton and holding so much stress in his shoulders. “They’re growing up.” He says quiet enough where you almost don’t hear him. You nod in agreement.

“They are growing up. And we’re doing a good job at making sure they have what they need. Stop worrying.” You tuck a strand of his hair back and he leans over to kiss your bare shoulder.

“I’m not worried… I just… I feel like I’m missing so much.” He smiles sadly at you. And you aren’t sure what to say. “Pietro’s just getting bigger… Ilaria’s gonna be a little woman before I know it.” He sighs and rubs his eyes for a few seconds. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I don’t have them anymore.”

“You’re always going to have them, G.” You smile, pulling him into your arms and he just huffs, closing his eyes and resting against your chest. “They’re always going to love you. No matter how far they get from home. They’ll always come back.” You’re playing with his hair quietly, pressing kisses on his head. “I mean, just look at you. Spend ten years in New York and you’re back in Sicily. They won’t go away forever, my love.”

“I know… just hard to remind myself sometimes. I guess.” He sighs and smiles. “I just want them to stay little. Stay here where I can protect them.”

“You’re such a great papa bear. You know that?” You smile at him and you can see his cheeks tinge red all the way up to his ears. “I love you and they love you. I promise.” You can’t help but catch his lips in a kiss.

And the little knock the breaks you two apart is met with a smile. Pietro opens the door, tugging his blankie behind him as he crawls into your bed, settling between the two of you. And Gio’s never been happier.

*

*

@tashastrange89 @daughterofaries @mrs-zimmerman @cornmousequeen @mrs-kylo-ren @peachyproserpina

[burningdarkfire]

tagged by @saturdaysky​, thank you! always very happy to talk about writing 🤠

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

36 on ao3, with many others left in the past on livejournal or ffnet

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

162k. it’s kind of a shame it doesn’t have the majority of my pre-2011 output as i never ported over my top four or five longest fics. i would’ve loved to see some genuine lifetime totals!

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

9 on ao3 (critrole, nier, hetalia, overwatch, trc, voltron, no. 6, star wars, tiger & bunny). if you expand trc to include anything clamp and throw in code geass then that covers everything i’ve ever published, though homestuck is by far the fandom i have the most WIPs for despite never finishing a single one and deserves a shoutout

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

take my hand / take my whole life too: critrole, 9k, how essek and caleb’s relationship evolves through touch

blue sky, warm sun: critrole, 3.5k, six mornings caleb wakes with essek

dark night, bright stars: critrole, 3k, six nights caleb spends with essek

kitty love: star wars, 1.5k, kylo ren forms a bond with hux’s cat millicent

the walls kept tumbling down: critrole, 2k, caleb spontaneously visits essek after a hard day

commentary and further answers are below the cut!

spots 1-3 on the list are gladly accepted, given that i also think they’re some of my best and most broadly-appealing shadowgast. kitty love gets its spot despite being pure, pointless crack because it’s for a huge fandom, which is fine and fun but i don’t have a lot of personal attachment to it

the walls kept tumbling down is a surprise! it was a self-indulgent “i want a fic exactly like this to fix my mood and instead of digging through the internet for one i’ll just make one up” that i only worked on for a couple of days. i’m glad it clicked for other people!

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i always try to respond to comments, although sometimes a week or two pass by before i can find the energy to sit down and do it

admittedly comments have gone unanswered during months or years when i’m not writing fic and then it feels too awkward to a) go back and respond, and b) respond to any further comments on the fic even if they come in when i’m active. so instead those comments haunt my ao3 inbox forever (oops)

i do appreciate every single one though, and there are some comments that i go back to read if i need a pick-me-up just because they were so nice 😊

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i’ll link my no. 6 fic forgive me because it still dominates my top fics in terms of hits despite being 387 words long. i wrote it in 2011 in less than half an hour, if i’m remembering correctly, and there are a few clever bits in it that i’m still quite proud of

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

i don’t usually write or read “pure” crossovers but i do like fusion AUs where characters from one work are imported into the setting of another work

but it’s fandom-dependent. critrole has been an outlier in that i can count on one hand the number of AU fics i’ve read and liked enough to remember. some of my favourite canon-adjacent fics veer off wildly, but they’ve still got their roots in the universe

i’ve published 17 critrole fics myself and they’re all canon-adjacent. i’m only now working on my first fusion-type AU 🤷‍♂️

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

i have one distinct memory of receiving criticism on a fic. in hindsight, it was constructive and pretty fair, but i was a young teen and so it still haunts me

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

i do!! and i’m excited about it because it’s fairly new to me!

i write to the characters, and what kind of relationship i think they’d have, but it’s probably true that my interests tend towards certain relationship dynamics

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i’m aware of!

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, actually! this was about about a decade ago so sadly the details have been lost in the haziness of memory and the inaccessibility of ffnet. i tried to dig it up last night but couldn’t find it again 😔

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i don’t ... think so? my current roommate and i tried co-writing when we were teenagers but none of that got published. it’s possible i’m forgetting something from my livejournal/early tumblr days because i remember doing a lot of ask games and challenges with other writers and fandom friends

now i’m just an introvert who avoids invites to discords because i feel like i simply Do Not Have Time so 🤡 not sure it’s anywhere on the horizon

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

i used to have shipping walls and pairing lists until 2015 or so but i have since accepted that i am changeable like the wind. my interests come and go!

i am a multi-shipper though as a general rule. i’ve never had such a loyalty to a pairing that it would bother me to pair one half with someone else, and i also don’t care at all whether or not a ship is canon. it’s just about what’s interesting!

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i’ve had remarkably sequential focus for my critrole fics and finished nearly every idea i’ve had so far. however, this ACME AU is testing me lol and i’ve spent so much time on it that my list of other ideas to write is only getting longer and longer. nothing is abandoned yet, because not much else has even been started, but i am starting to sweat a little

15) What are your writing strengths?

i love my writing style! i value simplicity and clarity: no flowery descriptions, easy words, few similes, little variance in sentence structures, etc. it can vary, based on my mood or the characters i’m writing, but i like doing more with less

i’ve spent years working at my own style and it is so satisfying to read something i wrote in 2011 and feel how familiar it still is while being able to pick out what i would change

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

recently, it’s been plot. if it can’t be conveyed by 2-4 characters talking to each other then i don’t know how to do it anymore 😭 i’m most invested in emotional resolutions, but it’s probably a good idea to have things happen sometimes!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i really do not enjoy this when it’s used as a “character quirk”. this includes nicknames, common phrases even if they are spoken that way in canon, and .. everything, really, that’s in a different language

i’ve spent a lot of time in spaces where it seemed widely agreed that doing so was not welcome, and i’ve had considerable fandom “culture shock” reading critrole fics. there are plenty of reasons to have caleb speaking “zemnian” or to emphasize his accent, and those reasons don’t need to be lofty or deep, but i do think there should be a reason beyond “haha this guy says ja instead of yeah”

i promise, absolutely pinky swear, that i don’t judge anyone on an individual basis for doing this. it seems to be a deep-seated fandom trend in this case and i just wish it wasn’t

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

tsubasa reservoir chronicle (trc) all the way back in 2010. tsubasa, my beloved, how you changed my life 💕

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

i like different ones for different reasons, but the top contender might be such is the endlessness for nier automata. it’s a vampire/werewolf enemies-to-lovers fusion AU where i put 2b and 9s in an original universe of mine that i wrote about a lot when i was a teenager

i feel like i did a spectacular job of adapting the universe for nier and i thought i conveyed a lot about the world in a relatively short number of words (the entire fic is just under 5k). i’ve considered more than once that i should use this version of the universe going forward because i enjoy it so much!

-

thanks again for the tag, sky, and i’ll leave this open to anyone else who wants to try as i think most of my mutuals have already been included. don’t be shy about tagging me in your answer if you take my open invite as i love reading these! 💖

[adamdriverwrites]

Carpe Noctem || Part 4

Plot summary: Mob boss’s daughter & bodyguard au ft. Kylo Ren. Based off this plot bunny (x)

Warnings: none today, kids

Word count: 5329 (prepare yourself)

Pairing: Kylo Ren/Reader

A/N: Here is part 4 finally! NZ is in quarantine, so i’ve been trying to write and gif a lot more! expect another update soon! let me know what you guys think!

Taglist: @helloimindelaware, @dandydragonz, musicalcoffeebean, @driverficarchive, hazydespair, @mp938368, @maybell88, @bikinibrattoms, @fanfic-fangirl, @stillreadingfantasy, @um-well, @OnevergrowoldnevergrowoldO, @jay-ta-blog, @wildwood-trails, @stephhaniee14, @flowerniche, @sanfranciscroc, @little-miss-mischief1, @pami-yui, @lex-bb13, @deepblueswift13, @allknowingnerd, @shawnme-boy, @whymalu, @simonsbluee, @jons-angel, @whymalu, @mixtapes-books, @amazing1rl, @ambrosia-v-black, @souriemickey, @toads4days, @xsar-bearx, @lunarlung, @bubble-t-r-o-u-b-l-e, @cutiepiepotatoes, @bangtan-savage

Masterlist here

Just family.

If you weren't so opposed to the idea of making a scene, then you would have confronted your father about why he was such a deceiver.

It was clearly not strictly family. After you had gone to your room to change, you met your siblings down in the formal dining room, where they had been drinking and waiting for you to arrive. You all moved to the dining room. Roman, Ares and Lyon  sitting on either side, your father taking his legendary seat at the head of the table. However, with Kylo sitting next to your Dad, the only space available was opposite, also next to your father.

Phasma was also seated at the table, thankfully separating Ares and yourself, which you did not mind one bit. In fact, a part of you was almost excited to catch up with Gwen after all this time.

As you stared at your food in front you, silence permeated the room. Save for the lone conversation between your siblings, few words exchanged, otherwise it was a tense, quiet affair. The dining room was huge, with a table fit for easily 20 people and with the 7 of you spread around one half of it, you still had a sizeable space between each other.

You gathered it was your fathers disposition that put everyone on edge. Sitting at the head of the table, nursing a glass of amber liquid. His food completely untouched as he watched everyone. The only one who seemed completely unperturbed by it was Kylo, eating the rack of lamb with a citrus and blue cheese salad without a care in the world it seemed. He was his usual stoic form, though unperturbed by the lack of conversation or apparent awkwardness that lingered, he ate dinner and kept to himself.

Your mind wandered to what Hux had told you about him earlier. About how he was your fathers sword and shield, apparently unflinching in his ability to spill blood. You had been gone for a number of years, and before you left for good you were still rather young - however you were perceptive. Due to your perceptiveness however, you knew he hadn't been around for a long time, not since you were a kid. So where the fuck did he come from?

"Is it always like this?" As conversation ensued at the other end of the table,  you leaned over to Gwen to whisper quietly.

She chewed through a piece of meat, swallowing before answering, "We don't usually have dinner like this. Ever, really."

You nodded, not really receiving an answer to your question - you wanted to know if everything was usually this tense. Or if the day of Mallory's funeral was such a reason.  "Good to know that we won't have to be subjected to this too often then."

"Don't worry," Phasma smiled down at you, "This isn't awkward because of you."

Your eyes drifted down the table, Roman and Ares laughing about something quietly to themselves - Lyon's eyes however - were locked on you. A hard stare as he pushed his food around his plate, haphazardly shoving some into his mouth before looking over at your Dad.

"Sure." you offered, though not completely convinced of her assurance; however kind of a gesture it was intended to be. You knew it was because of Mallory's funeral, that was the predominant proverbial wound, though your presence was pouring salt into said wound.

It made it so much worse, this you were sure.

Roman's voice quietened your internal monologue, speaking your name to gather your attention. You looked over to see him looking at you. "I'm going to Starkiller later on. You wanna come with?"

Starkiller was one of the only legitimate businesses your family had. One that wasn't used to launder money like the Supremacy, it was purely for profit. Though as you grew up you guessed it was your father's way of keeping your brother out of trouble. He had something to do, something to look after, and it was away from the dangerous dealings that could prove fatal. It was a club on the outskirt of your father's turf, under Roman's management though you didn't think he did much 'work' while there.

"What time were you thinking?" You spoke quietly, as not to disturb other conversation happening at the table and not to alert anyone eavesdropping. Your eyes flickered over to your new bodyguard, eating quietly, not even looking at you.

Roman shrugged, "After dinner sometime."

You nodded, "I'm a little jet lagged still. I might have a nap and come later?" You didn't want to go particularly, and you were definitely not jet lagged. To the contrary, you felt quite awake, you just had other ideas and perhaps it could prove a useful alibi.

"Sounds good." He smiled, then went back to eating food off his plate.

"How's school?" It was now your father's voice that pulled your attention. He looked at you while he asked, still not having touched his food. Only nursing a glass and looking over his family.

"It's going okay, thanks."

Phasma piped in next to you. "What do you study exactly? I don't think I've ever actually asked."

"I have a double major; law and psychology." You nodded, it sounded like a brag though you didn't intend for it to be. Although other members of your family looked down on education, others did not.

"Wow, interesting choice. Impressive." Phasma shot you a little smirk.

"You going to be ready to be my lawyer soon?" Roman joked from down the table.

"Or mine." Your father spoke up.

You gave them a half smile in return. Unable to tell the truth- that you had no intention of being a lawyer, it was just something you were studying because you wanted to possess the knowledge of the judicial law system and all the rules in place. You didn't particularly have intentions of breaking the law but if you did... then it would prove extremely fruitful. Psychology was another interest, you found it imperative to understanding your enemies - not that you had many of those either. Yet.

But you were the daughter of Andrew Snoke, and being made to feel so powerless in your youth gave you a complex as you grew up. You needed to acquire knowledge like no one had in your family before, and maybe then you would feel worthy. Powerful.

Dinner passed by quickly. As soon as everyone had finished, your father offered to move it to the office in the west wing of the manor for more drinks. You were going to decline, playing the excuse of jet lag almost immediately, however, you decided to acquiesce and have one drink. For Mallory.

Lyon and Ares started racking up the polished balls on the pool table, setting up for a game. Roman talked lightly with your father, pouring drinks from a crystal decanter for everyone who wanted one. Kylo was back to a dark corner of the room; finding a seat to watch over everyone and smoke a cigarette. He didn't fraternize with the others, or try to relax with a friendly game of pool. Always stoic and always working evidently.

You followed Gwen, finding a seat near the tall open windows facing the backyard. Curtains parted slightly, cool breeze blowing in faintly. Too dark to see out but the fresh air helped ease your mind, if only for a moment.

"Here." Gwen offered you a cigarette from her pack and you kindly accepted. A horrible habit, you knew, but to you it was a small price to pay for stress relief. A hit of nicotine helped your thoughts calm down, and deprived any ill feelings purchase in the forefront of your mind. You could have a few moments not totally at the behest of your anxiety or depression.

"Thank you." You accepted, along with the flame she held up so you could light it. Inhaling deeply, you gave yourself a second to appreciate the reprieve before you exhaled. And then braved to ask Gwen a question. "So come on, be honest with me."

Her pale eyes met yours, and quirked a brow. "I almost always am."

A short laugh escaped your lips. "Thanks for the honesty." Your eyes drifted around everyone, to see if anyone was paying particular attention. "But I mean... how serious is my Dad about all this bodyguard shit?"

"I'd say pretty serious. He assigned me to Roman after all."

This made you sit forward. "Really?" That was particularly serious. "I thought it was a sexist thing, that he didn't think I could take care of myself but, huh..." You sat back in the chair, thrown for a loop. You didn't think it was really that serious. Sure, there were aspects of Mallory's death suspicious but he was on high alert. Enough to warrant some of his most ruthless and trusted men - and women - to become glorified sitters for his children.

"You've all been assigned someone."

"Why didn't I get you? Why did I get him?" Your eyes shot over her shoulder, the furthermost corner of the sprawling room. Kylo sat with your father, drinking. His dark eyes trained on you; already watching.

Always fucking watching. You pulled your eyes away immediately, though you were positive he would not have been able to hear a word from the distance, or over your siblings shouts and taunts. His eyes were on you regardless and it made you uneasy.

Any hint of a smile covering Phasma's lips instantly dropped. The furrow in her brow set in again. "Well... you're you." She took a drag of her cigarette. "And as much as I hate to admit this, he's the best. Snoke is just being cautious."

"The best at what exactly?" You took a drag of your own cigarette, ashing in the crystal ashtray on the coffee table between you. Something flared in Gwen's eyes, what, you were not sure. Worry? Anger? Jealousy? Or was it fear? You had no idea.

"You're smart. I think you already know." She looked like she didn't want to talk about the subject anymore. You weren't sure if it was your father's presence, or Kylo's that deterred her from spouting any more honest truths.

Your mind went to Hux, and the words he had so freely spoken before dinner had you wondering. Calling Ren your father's right hand man, the problem solver.... a rabid animal.  You knew your family was bad. By conventional terms with a modern sense of morality, they were evil.

Criminals, murderers, extortioners, torturers, tax-evading, wealth-hording, gun-shipping, drug-running psychopaths to be exact.

And as bad as you all were, everyone in the Snoke manor was scared of only one person; your father. He was a much older man now, and though he still held a significant amount of power over everyone in the house - it appeared he now had passed the torch on. All physical bouts and messy jobs were now Kylo's to execute, and it seemed he did them perfectly.

You had never seen or heard of him before. You wondered how new he was exactly, and how quick he had risen in the ranks to become your fathers most trusted man. He would have had to prove himself immensely, and the concept of what that possibly entailed both scared and intrigued you. You wondered what types of violence your father found to be grounds for proof of trust.

You made a mental note to ask Armitage how long he had been around, along with a few others things flying around your brain. Weirdly, they were all questions about Kylo Ren.

You decided to cool your thoughts, and continue small talk with Gwen. You asked about your brother, and what her new schedule was like since it hadn't appeared he had changed much. She confirmed that she spent most of her nights at Starkiller, watching your brother party with his friends.

You shared a few jokes at the expense of your family, especially when Lyon lost a game of pool and almost snapped the pool cue over his knee in anger. A glare from your father and his anger simmered down almost immediately. You finished your cigarette, though enjoying talking with Gwen you were thoroughly over this fucking situation. A drunk sausage fest with your family in which none of them even wanted to talk to you, to spend time with you. Your father could hardly stand the sight of you.  

You gave him the benefit of the doubt - he had buried his daughter today, and looking at the face of your other estranged one was certainly not a priority he had to have. You expected nothing on arrival, and had already had a few days of drama free bliss. Really, your sisters death had the opposite reaction on your Dad than you thought it would.

You supposed you would enjoy it while you could. You thought it was going to be utter chaos here, loud arguments between you and your father, leading to a crescendo in which you would be forced to leave once more.

You decided to bid Gwen goodnight, finishing your drink in two big gulps you braved the walk to your father. Zig zagging around your brothers and the Snoke enforcers, you found your way to your Dad and Kylo. His eyes were focused on the drink in his hand, amber liquid swirling in a glass slowly. Kylo noticed you before he did.

"Dad?" You pulled him out of his reverie and he looked up. "I think I'm going to head to bed, I’m not use to New York time yet."

"Oh." He nodded, "Okay. Sleep well, kid."    

You gave the faintest smile, eyes shooting to Kylo who stared you up and down. A curious look behind his eyes - like he knew you were lying. Though your father seemed completely fooled. You left immediately, trying to ignore the awkward goodbye with your father, you snuck out the doors and headed to your bedroom.

Checking your phone, it was only about 10 p.m. You figured jetlag would set in eventually, but after today’s days events you felt wide awake. You didn't want to go to sleep yet. Maybe you couldn't.

You shed out of your funeral clothes, getting changed into something far more comfortable. A white cropped t-shirt, dark jeans, and your trusted leather jacket. Slipping on some fresh socks and swapping you shoes for your black doc martins. You checked your appearance in the mirror before sighing. You looked good considering everything you had been through today. 

Usually you looked like shit.

Grabbing keys, money, phone and smokes you locked your bedroom door, turned off the light and left out the window. It may have been almost ten years since you had done this, but it was a tried and true trick for sneaking out when you had more than 10 people staying at your house at any given time. Especially when some of those people's job were specifically to make sure people didn't get in or out without the family's knowledge. There was no way in hell you were going to make it out the front door without anyone finding out.

Or worse, Kylo.

You were hellbent on deterring his body-guarding for as long as you could; hopeful it would serve as eventual proof to your father that you did not need to be looked after. You didn't even want to think about how uncomfortable he made you feel.

Not in a bad way, you weren't scared of him like everyone seemed to be. But being in such close proximity was jarring in a certain way, despite his stoic, murderous presence, you couldn't stop staring at his face. At that scar, at those deep, brown eyes.

And at those lips.

He was hot, in an unconventional way, and you almost never found men sexy. For this reason alone you wanted to stay as far away as possible. You didn't even want to broach the reason of whatever the fuck had you thinking about Kylo Ren's lips.

There was a large trellis that covered almost the whole wall underneath your window. Covered by thick ivy vines that sprawled up most of the 3 story Snoke manor, you used this to sneak in and out of your room up until you were sent off to boarding school. And even when you came back for a Christmas once. It was a trick you had learned from watching Mallory sneak out when you were younger.  

You poked your head out first, making sure you couldn't see anyone on a perimeter watch, another thing your father's lackeys did sometimes. Seeing the coast was clear, you positioned your feet and then moved out, leaving your window open for entry later. Making sure your footing was placed carefully and with a strong grip, you made your way down the side of the house. Your bedroom was on the second floor, though your house was notorious for high ceilings and you were pretty high up off the ground. Adrenaline kicked in and cooler heads prevailed as you made the climb down to the ground. Once your feet touched the grass underneath your window, you breathed a sigh of relief.

The garage was big enough to house all the vehicles of the multiple people who lived at your house. The entrance was under the south wing of the house, which was an easy, quick walk from your room. You made it there in a minute or two, careful to stay away from windows in case you were seen by anyone randomly gazing out. Opening the last garage door, the one that housed your precious car, you hopped in and started it up. Leaving the lights off, you shifted gears and made it out onto the driveway. Careful that anyone looking out a window or wandering around the property wouldn't be alerted by bright car lights. You were trying very hard not to be seen and you were hoping your hard work was going to pay off.

You had spent years perfecting this technique of Mallory’s.

You drove down the long, winding driveway guided by moonlight alone, until you reached the end. You flicked your lights on and took the exit onto the road. You exhaled a deep breath, one you didn't know you were holding. Paranoia relieved a little bit as you made your way down the street, your eyes still glanced at the rear view mirror looking for car lights that might follow.

You were half worried that Kylo would be trailing you, someone seeing you slinking around the property in the dark and sneaking out would definitely pique interest. You didn't want a bodyguard, especially one who's presence made you uneasy. In which way in particular, you weren't sure. But you wanted to be alone right now. 

You had been alone for years and years on end before this moment - what had changed now that you needed a bodyguard? Mallory's death? Most likely. Being back in the country could've proved you to be an easier target too, you guessed.

However, you had been gone for so many years, and being the black sheep of the family did provide one comfort - no one outside the family really knew who you were.  You were a taboo subject, rarely talked about and never seen. You weren't involved in the family business like your brother's were, and didn't go to classy fundraisers and socialite parties like Mallory did.  

Not to mention you took Brazilian jiu jitsu for years when you were a kid - and you remembered some shit. You weren't lying when you tried to convince your father that you would be fine on your own.

It didn't take long to enter the city, and then find the towering skyscraper that was the Finalizer. It was a tall, dark building with gothic architecture encompassing the facade, contrasted beautifully with its elaborate but minimalist, neutral toned interior. A 5 star safe haven for the rich, famous and criminally inclined. Your father had made sure whatever secrets were experienced within, never had a chance of escape.

You pulled your vehicle into the valet area, shifting into park you hardly had enough time to grab your stuff before a young man opened your door for you.

“Welcome to the Finalizer, ma'am.”

You gave a half smile in thanks, walking forward to the grandiose gold double doors that served as the entrance. Another young man opened them with a smile, welcoming you to the hotel.

Gold light from over hanging chandeliers illuminated the room. Bright mosaic patterns intertwined with white marble made up the floor. An expansive room with nothing but elevators behind a desk with two more people behind it. You were glad you remembered the pass code, unwanting to make conversation with people you didn't know. Not today.

You made a beeline straight for the elevator, stepping into the mirrored room, throwing a smile at the girl behind the desk as you passed. The numbers for all the floors were illuminated by a dim light, the top 3 floors reserved penthouses for permanent residences given out by your father. The very top floor was for family, a sort of unusual halfway house. For when his children couldn’t stand being near him but lacked the funds to move into their own abode. It was Roman's home once upon a time, then it was empty save for the odd weekend or two when your brothers were too drunk to leave the city, and then eventually Mallory’s home. You didn't know what your father was going to do with it now. If your sisters body hadn't been found in it then you would have been tempted to move in.

Although, depending on how bad it got at home - maybe you could be easily convinced.

A small keypad was situated next to the floor buttons, and you entered the pass code for your sisters floor, something that wasn't required of irregular hotel stayers who had simple key cards for their rooms.

The elevator rode all the way to the top, and you were lucky to be alone. The surge of the lift paired with the g-force, you felt your heartbeat rapidly fasten. You tried to peg its inception down to the anxiety that now clouded your mind. You were about to enter your sister's apartment after all.

The last place she was when she was alive.

You remembered your father telling you the place had been cleaned after the forensic evidence had been collected. You hadn't been here in so long that you hardly remembered it. You were shipped off to boarding school long before you were old enough to spend drunken weekends here.  

The doors to the elevator opened right up into the apartment. Separating with a 'ding' it revealed the almost pitch black penthouse. A little stream of light from the lift exposed a golden beam down the otherwise dark hallway. You turned the torch on your phone to it's brightest setting, walking out into the penthouse. The doors shut behind you as you found the light switch, and the penthouse was suddenly bathed in light.  

Tall, white walls of the hallway gave way to an open planned penthouse. Floor to ceiling glass revealed the neon New York skyline below. The spacious living room gave way to a kitchen on the far left and bedrooms on the far right. A garden laden outside area showed numerous seating with a table, a hot tub, and an infinity pool that disappeared off the edge.

It was clad in dark fabrics and white paint. A shiny, new, modern penthouse that was starkly different than the Snoke manor. It was sparse with furniture, minimalist in its decor; simple but effectively pretty. Mallory had kept the place nice and tidy, artwork and pictures littered the penthouse walls, giving it a burst of colour that was proof of her bubbly personality living here.

You shed your jacket, throwing it over the back of the couch, your items discarded along with it. Your eyes darted around the apartment, eager to find something out of place, unusual enough that you would notice. Though, your lack of experience with the space provided some trouble.

Mallory had taught you a lot growing up - how to escape down a trellis on the side of the house to avoid being detected was one of them. One of the others was having a good hiding spot.

Andrew Snoke was a controlling father growing up, especially with his daughters. And even more so with his favorite, Mallory. You didn't blame her for turning to drugs in her turbulent youth, not with the pressure she was under. Your brothers had done all that and worse and they hadn't been crucified for it.

And because of all of that, Mallory had taught you that hallowed out books, sun-glass cases in underwear drawers, and envelopes behind hung pictures were all great hiding spots.

You made your way to the bedrooms, finding the master that Mallory called hers. Everything was clean, put away, though a glance at the walk-in closet and the mass of designer dresses it was easy to deduce her presence. There was a large bed in the middle, side tables either side. Various artwork hung on the walls and the long, wooden shelf in the room was littered with pictures of her and her friends.

You noticed a few of them by face, probably knew all of them by name the amount she talked about them - though you couldn't tell who was who. Mallory's smiling face was what caught your eyes and cause you to still. Shining, bright eyes and a wide smile that you were familiar with. One that you would never see again. Your throat tightened at the thought.

You darted over to the side tables with purpose, to forget the overwhelming sadness creeping into your mind and replace it with something productive instead. You rifled through its contents, opening drawers and quickly sifting through objects. Pushing things to the side you safely checked for a false bottom of each shelf, but found nothing in particular. Moisturizers, sleep masks, and a pack of cigarettes - though nothing special.

You continued your rampage through her room, looking behind artwork hung on the walls, looking under the bed, under the pillows, in between the mattress and the bed frame, then moving to the closet. You checked in her boots, making sure nothing was concealed in there, before becoming desperate and looking in her shoe boxes and the pockets of her coats. Heaving a sigh of contempt, and resigning to the notion that there was nothing in this room you decided to move on.

You made your way to the kitchen - checking cereal boxes, and the freezer, large tins that she kept nestled in the pantry. You checked anything and everything you thought could be a possibility, but nothing seemed suspicious. Nothing was awkwardly placed, nothing moved every so often that dirt patterns formed; everything was normal.

You ventured over to the living room. You checked behind the artwork first, and behind one you find a safe built into the wall. Your interest was piqued momentarily before realizing these were in all your fathers properties - and housed usually large amounts of cash, jewels, important legal documents and the like. You were looking for something in particula, and figured it would not be inside a safe your father had access to. 

You knew Mallory kept a journal, she had as a teenager, and once she grew up and tried to stay sober she had one documenting her thoughts. Something her sponsor told her might be able to help with her sobriety. You hoped if anything her diary would hold some impertinent information. Anything.

However, you were not inclined to think a diary she wrote in everyday was kept in a safe in the living room. Too many processes for something so ridiculous as a journal. You figured she was still like she was growing up - in that she preferred to hide things from the prying men in our family - but she wouldn't go to those lengths. Not if our father had the code to said safe.

You would ask him about it later, but resigned to not give up. It had to be somewhere. You were confident it was not in the safe.

A large flat screen was set against the wall, a wide fireplace underneath. Built into the wall either side were some bookcases, not housing anything but photos, some CDs, and ornaments that Mallory had collected over the years that obviously meant something to her. And a card from you, from her last birthday. Nothing pretty or pink, or particularly special but simply declaring your love for your sister.

You placed it back on the shelf, eyes moving over to a trophy from Mallory's high school days, a cheer-leading trophy, sitting next to it a picture of her winning prom queen, next to her tiara that she blatantly kept. You smiled, if only at the ridiculous nature and stark reality of how different you two were. Things she cared about weren't even on your radar - you two didn't have anything in common. Lived on different continents in fact, and still the two of you got together and it was some of the only moments you felt you were truly happy. You would drink, or maybe smoke a little pot together and would end up in stitches of laughter, faces and sides burning in pain. You were definitely going to miss her humor.

A smile curved your lips and you glanced over, eyes catching a gold trophy that caused you to still. You had seen it before, you remembered it briefly, and as your eyes shot down to the engraved tag, it read your name.

Your hands gripped the trophy, a gold metal showing a girl doing a roundhouse kick in a martial arts stance. "Holy shit." The words flew from your mouth without thought.

Mallory had kept it.

~~~~

You and competed in over 6 different competitions, fought in over 22 different matches, becoming the champion for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in the tri-state area for girls under 18. And you were only 13 years old at the time.

Years and years of rigorous training had led to this point, years of your youth spent on grueling grappling techniques and perfecting your punches. To this referee now announcing your name, a round of applause from all the parents in the stands stung your ears. He shook your hand, handing you the trophy. A flash from a camera blinded you momentarily, and you searched for familiar faces in the crowd.

Your eyes locked with Mallory's. She was standing up, clapping as hard as she could, a proud smile on her face. You looked at the seat next to her - reserved for your father.

It was empty.

Your heart dropped. You mustered a smile, praying for it to be over so you could go back to the changing rooms and release the tears that pooled in the corner of your eyes.

You locked your gaze with Mallory once more, and noticing the look on your face, and you glancing at the empty seat next to her, her mouth uttered an apology, providing a sincere look.

You bit your lip, squeezing the trophy as hard as you could in your hands until it was over. Once you were clapped off the stage with the girl who came 2nd and 3rd place, you ran to the changing rooms to find a lonely corner you could get out of your fighting robes.

You prayed for the tears to go away, to any God who was out there that could show one ounce of mercy to you. But no one answered. You were alone, and once one tear fell it was hard to stop the rest. Your father couldn't even come to your championship fight? He never devoted any time to you ever, and you were doing this because it made him vaguely proud in some way. Even still, he couldn't give you one second of his fucking time?

He had given you nothing, and you had done this all for him.

You sniffled, throwing your bag over your shoulder and haphazardly slipping your shoes on, you exited the changing room to meet Mallory outside the stadium.

"Oh my god! Congratulations!" She swept you up in a hug, perfume wafting through your nostrils, your face was buried in her blonde hair. "First place? Hell yes!"

You scoffed. "Yeah..."

She dampened at the sight of you, facade falling slightly. "Oh, come on, kid. Let's go get some ice cream, my shout."

"I don't know," you hitched the bag up your shoulder, "I don't really feel like ice cream."

She sighed, stepping forward to grab your hand that clutch the trophy. "I'm so sorry he didn't come, okay, but-"

"Did he say why?"

"Well, he just said he was busy and he had to-"

"He's always too busy." You interrupted her again. "He doesn't give a shit about me. I haven't seen him in weeks, and he's the one that put me into this martial arts bullshit!"

Mallory's weakening facade was demolished, and she burst into tears. "I'm so sorry."

You sighed deeply, though it had been evident you had been crying you chastised her regardless. "Why are you crying?"

"Because," she wiped her tears away, shifting her large handbag further up her shoulder, "Because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for Dad, for how he is and how he treats you." You weren't sure how but it seemed like she got even more upset. "And I'm sorry that I was fortunate enough to be nourished by her growing up and you were too young to experience-"

"Whatever." You cut her off again, before she could finish, she was crying with sympathy, empathy, whatever the fuck it was that caused her tears. If she finished her sentence you knew you would be reduced to the same fate. "Can you please take me home? I'm done."

You glanced over to the side, a stadium bin free standing. You walked over, taking one last look at the trophy before you threw it into the trash can. You glanced at Mallory, and then walked to the car park where she had her vehicle.You didn’t look back.

~~~

The two of you had made your way home, driving in silence. You remembered that day vividly now. Mallory was 8 years older than you were, so she had her license, and her own car. A whole life of her own. She was in college, eager to drink and socialize with her friends.

And then something changed.

You had never been close when you were younger, but after that day she had made a gratuitous effort of being in your life. Of supporting you emotionally and providing wisdom and comfort when you needed it. Of being a constant in your life, even when you left for boarding school. She was the only lifeline you had in this family. She had taken the role of father, and mother, and adopted those qualities to try give you a better life.

And she had kept it.

You clutched the trophy in your hands, even tighter. She must have picked it out of the trash, put it in her handbag and then followed you to the car.

And she kept it all this time. Never telling you about it, never trying to offer it back to you. She kept it as a proud memento on a shelf in her living room for herself. Your throat tightened, your lip trembling as you felt tears gather in your eyes. You couldn't hold it back, irrevocable sadness you had been keeping at a simmer turned into full on misery. You wept for times passed, over memories you shared with Mallory and the reality that you would never create any more. You cried over the possibility of the suspicious circumstances that surrounded her death, that someone could have taken her away from you before her time.

And you cried because you were alone, once again.

[baddadjokez]

514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.​I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.​Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.​Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!​I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.​What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.​How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.​I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.​Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.​I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.​My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.​Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.​How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.​What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.​Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.​What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.​What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.​Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.​Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.​What do you call a french pig? Porque.​What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.​Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.​How do trees access the internet? They log on.​Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.​Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.​The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.​I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.​I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.​I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.​Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.​I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.​Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.​Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.​I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.​The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.​What does a house wear? A dress.​Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.​I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.​Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.​Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.​What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.​A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.​What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!​What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.​At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!​An untalented gymast walks into a bar.​Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.​I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.​My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.​Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.​Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?​Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.​Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.​The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.​Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.​My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.​Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.​Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.​Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.​Models of dragons are not to scale.​Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.​Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.​Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.​A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.​I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.​People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.​Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.​I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.​I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.​What do you call a young musician? A minor.​Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.​If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?​I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.​Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.​I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.​I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.​I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.​I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.​Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.​What do you mean June is over? Julying.​Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.​These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.​The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.​Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.​Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.​A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!​I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.​The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.​My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.​I, for one, like Roman numerals.​How do mountains see? They peak.​The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.​This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!​Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.​I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.​The earth's rotation really makes my day.​If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?​Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.​Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.​What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.​I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.​After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.​Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.​A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.​I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.​He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.​Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.​Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.​If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.​I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.​A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.​The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.​Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.​If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?​I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.​Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.​I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.​The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.​The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor​I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.​The display of still-life art was not at all moving!​On Halloween October is nearly Octover.​Pig puns are so boaring.​Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.​What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.​What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.​How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.​Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.​What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.​One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."​How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.​When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.​When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.​If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"​Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.​If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.​Can February March? No, but April May.​I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.​What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.​The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.​So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!​Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.​A backwards poem writes inverse.​Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.​I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.​The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.​Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.​There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.​I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.​Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.​The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.​Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!​When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.​Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.​The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.​Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.​I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.​What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.​Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.​When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.​Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.​Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.​You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!​Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!​I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.​Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!​What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!​Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.​The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.​A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.​The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.​All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.​Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.​Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.​I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.​The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.​The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.​Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.​That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.​Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.​Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.​People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.​I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.​What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.​What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!​Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.​Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!​I really look up to my tall friends.​I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.​Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.​It takes guts to make a sausage.​Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!​What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!​How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it​What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!​Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!​What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!​Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!​What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?​Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!​What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!​What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!​What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells​Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!​What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!​Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!​Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!​What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!​What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!​How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!​What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!​What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!​How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!​Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!​What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!​Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.​What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!​What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!​Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!​What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!​What letter is always wet? The C!​How do you throw a space party? You planet.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​Nope. Unintended.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​The broom swept the nation away.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”​Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.​What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

[popculturebuffet]

Star Vs the Forces of Evil Reviews: The Blood Moon Ball (1-15)

Welcome back.. though to most of you probably just joining me, welcome. I’ve been on a sorta hiatus from revewiing due to a combination of procrastination, depression, and being really busy. But I finally decided it was time to put boots to the ground and get back to doing what I love: Going on way too long about children’s television.  As such, with She Ra taking a bow a few weeks back and nailing it I got to thinking about another show that just so happened to end the year before: Star Vs the Forces of Evil. Part of it was very simple: She ra ended on a trriumphant note, making a well set up romance that had been it’s backbone canon, having a wonderful final battle, tons of payoff and a throughly happy ending that satisfied all involved and got tons of well earned coverage for having a deep, meaningful relationship between two lesbians finally coming together being the thing that saves the universe. It was freaking great.  Meanwhile a year prior Star Vs, after having been treated like toilet dinner by disney for no good reason by having it’s final season shoved out over a few sundays after a yearlong hiatus.. ended not with a bang, but with a wah wah trumpet. The series ending was unsatisfying, left more questions than answers, had the title character loose all likeablity and was in general miserable. I hadn’t been this pissed off at a finale since How I Met Your Mother and hadn’t seen a romance botched this badly in animation since “Merry Christmas Mordecai”. It was BADDDDD.  However it did make me want to go back to the series; To revisit the good, the bad and the just plain weird to remember what made me love the series, what made me want to throw my tv into a river before reminding myself “No dude, shit’s expensive. “, and what COULD have been, what SHOULD have been and what WASN’T. So i’ll be reviewing assorted episodes.. and the best place to start for me was with the introduction of one of the series best characters, as well as at the same time the start of a ship that was a good idea at first but would slowly take the series down with it as it started to fall apart. This is Blood Moon Ball. There will be blood, and a dead horse, after the cut. 

Before we get into the episode, one of the series most notable and honestly a damn good one, for those 2 of you not familiar with the series a quick refresher: Star VS is the story of Star Butterfly, a rebelious 14 year old princess from the Kingdom of Mewni. Mewni is your standard medievil fantasy kingdom.. but you know with wifi because they have magic compacts that work as phones and large sale acess to the multiverse. Their also ruled over by a long sucession of queens with great and terrible magic power, which is channeld through an increidbly powerful wand that’s passed down from generation to generation.  On her 14th birthday Star gets her turn with the wand.. and not long after sets everything on fire. Not wanting the kingdom to get blown up while Star figures out thing, her parents send her to Earth, and after bribing the school principal into enroling her, that’s not a joke on my part but an actual joke from the pilot, Star soon becomes an exchange student, boarding with the Diazes and soon becoming best friends with their teenage son Marco, a saftey obessed, shy talented martial artist. The two are frequently forced to beat up the hordes of Ludo, a spoiled monster king who wants the wand for himself. Things would get way darker... like in literally two seconds as the revelation star’s people stole mewni from the monsters and Star’s hatred being revealed to be partly racisim instead of standard hero and villian stuff. But that’s for future reviews. Today we have demons, internet commentors and ship tease to get to. So with the basic premise set up let’s finally get on with it.  We open on the arrival of my boy and yours, hopefully, Tom Lucitor. Tom is the prince of the underworld, basically exactly what it sounds like: fire, brimstone, demons spooky scary skeltons sending shivers up your spine. He’s also Star’s ex boyfriend. How they broke up is.. never really explained. While more details about their relationship, includign the fact Tom bought Star her iconic Devil Horn headband on their frist date, were revealed in the tie-in spellbook, and reveals that star’s arson that got her sent to mewni happened right after her and tom broke up, but never explains WHY.  My guess is since the series clearly frames the breakup as Tom’s fault in this episode and on his anger, they probably didn’t want a scene of him screaming his head off at star, either to keep him sympathetic or , more likely, because a scene of a teenage girl watching her boyfriend having a rage fueld breakdown that leads to htem breaking up would be MASSIVELY uncomfortable to watch and unlike some uncomfortable to watch scenes, wouldn’t tell us anything we didn’t know already. So unlike some later things they never pulled the trigger on this one at least makes sense.  Anywho, Tom arrives, parking in the handicap spot (a nice little gag as Star’s crush at the time Oskar points it out, while the dead skeletal horse pulling tom’s carriage turns around to look at him), and all the girls stop and stare.. including Janna, who would probably regret this moment once she realize tom was a bad boy because he’s socially awkard and has anger issues. Basically he’s Kylo Ren but his redemption dosen’t come straight out of JJ Abrhams ass.  Tom arrives at Star’s classroom, removes his shade and damn if he dosen’t have game.. but naturally showing up unnannaounced to her school (Not that TOm probably gets what school is as Mewni dosen’t have those, but still), basically assuming she’ll go out with him, after they had a messy breakup it dosen’t go well and we get a great cut of Star shoving tom back into his carriage.. we also get the best joke of the episode.  Star: So take your invitation and your fire and your dead horse and go.  Dead Horse: wait.. i’m dead? Sad but hilarious. Anyways it’s quickly conved to viewers like us that Tom has anger problems, but he insists to star he’s doing better: he has an anger managment counsler he takes with him places, Brian, voiced by the wonderful and weirdly in Disney’s pocket these days Stephen Root, and a bunny he pets. Before star can pet said bunny Marco , KARATE CHOPS TOM’S HAND OFF.. I just.. until this review I hadn’t sat back to consider just how freakishly strong that boy is , that he can just accidently chop off a hand. I mean tom may have weak joints or something but even after taking far worse blows later on his hands just.. don’t come off. Tom flies itnto a rage and it becomes clear that yeah, whatever happened, it was tom’s fault, and given the kind of rage she flies into, you can see why i’d assume the writers really didn’t want the audience to see him at his worst. I certainly don’t.  Star both worried and clearly having seen this sort of thing go bad before urges Marco to run but tom quickly recovers, both reuniting with his hand and having calmed down, and he and Marco are formally introduced, with star explaning the invite. We also get a great line with marco encouraging her “Star never go with a preadator to a second location”. This show was damn good at getting shit past the radar and i’m here for it. Anyways, Star isn’t quite sold despite tom clearly TRYING to get better, and Tom , in a really nice  move, gives her a bell and tiny hammer to summon his carriage with if she decides to go but leaves it up to her, not pressuring her or anything. For how selfish tom is initially.. this is a spark that shows h’es not a TERRIBLE person, just one who has some growing up to do. Marco however is not convinced and wants to go with, with Star teling him no because A) he wasn’t invited and it’d be rude to ask and B), she appricates the concerns but she can handle this, and implicily, despite her reckless nature knows this is a risk but knows if the night turns she can handle Tom, and that maybe he’s changed. Marco insists Tom can’t change.. which I find hilarious given his massive character arc to the point I had as eires ofessays planned, and one don about his growth before deciding to change formats to doing each ep of his journey instead every so often, to the point where two years on in the series timeline.. we’ve gone from Marco thinking Tom is a predator to...

But star decides to go and .. it’s clear from the subtext that while part of it is clear concern for star, Marco’s line about “it being fun here all the time” may mean that while he DOES have the best intentions.. part of him is jealousssssss. More on that in a bit.  For now we go to the underworld with the second best gag of the episode as Tom is toning down the spookiness to please star, and one of the guys in the picture at the top insults him... and when tom asks which one he says me. We sadly don’t get an answer but it’s small gags like this that made me want to do this episode by episode. Star arrives.. and things quickly go south. Tom tries giving her a corsage that’s a live spider and she rejects it. This admitely looks bad on both as Tom , living in you know, a hell dimenson probably sees it as a sweet gesture, and Star is refusing it.. but star does so POLITELY, and for understandable reasons, and Tom is still clearly pissed about it. Not long after, they line up for what’s essentially a prom photo.. and to get Carried by a bucket of unicorn blood, another nice little gag. Star refuses since well her best friend is a unicorn, one of them anyway, or at least it’s head.. and yes one of the species in this series multiverse is a bunch of headless unicorns. IT’s wonderful. And star also notices tom needs his anger managment bunny and is clearly pissed about it when, having dated her for several months, clearly should’ve KNOWN this might bother her.  That’s really tom’s problem here: He wants everything his way on his terms and only compromises if he thinks it’ll get star to do things with him. He’s made the PRETENSE of changing.. but he really dosen’t WANT to yet. He just wants her back and wants to change just enough to get her back so he can stop trying again. He also may , due to the underworld being diffrent and a place where being covered in a bucket of blood is a time honored tradition instead of the thing that turns a young mutant into a mass murderer, and yes I think a carrie x-men crossover would be the shit. He probably dosen’t GET that star wouldn’t like a spider corasge or bathing in her best friends blood.. but the problem isn’t that. that’s culture shock, that can be bridged with some talk.. the problem is tom dosen’t want to talk, he just wants her to do what he wants and things to be all cool and to get his way. Being a prince with two loving parents, we’ll meet them soon enough just not this episode, and tons of servants, I get the impressionf rom this and other episodes tom simply isn’t USED to not getting what he wants.He’s not USED to being told “No”, and thus has no way to deal with it healthily and isntead lashes out like an angry toddler. It dosen’t make his actions RIGHT but it does make them more understandable and makes it so Tom’s later growth FEELS natural depsite some of his sketchier actions beforehand. 

Back at Marco’s house, Marco is depressed eating nachos in a sumbrero.. which if I had corn chips, cheese and a sombrero would probably be my daily life right about now. It’s then we get a WEIRD dropped bit, as Marco hears a weird piratey voice telling him the blood moon is the moon for lovers and stuff. This is IMPLIED to be his monster arm, from an earlier episode.. but it’s.. never explained. Whatever it was going to be was dropped. Which would be fine if the blood moon itself and the end of this episode didn’t get a full explination in season 4 with the writers clearly going back to it to resolve the dangling thread.. but still not explaning the spooky voice. I mean what was it? Marco’s pirate ancestor? the sea captain from the simpsons? the monster arm? terry that bastard? Burt Macklin FBI? Old Man Withers the guy who runs the amusment park? Dirk Dastardely? A sentient payphone? The alps? Tell us damn you! Okay that tangent aside Marco decides to party crash at the advice of the ominous voice.. seriously is it Flintheart Glomgold? Nevermind. Back at the ball star is bonding with a small skeletal fish int he magma punch whent his random asshole comes up and whines for a good minute,if hilariously so, about the ball being changed.

He’s feels, looks and acts like the combination of those morons who were mad adora wasn’t “as hot” in the she ra reboot and was aged down to a teenager and the threw it on the ground guy.  After that interlude, tom shoos away a guy asking star to dance and the guy makes vauge comments about tom wanting his and star’s souls to be link while making kissy nosies. Before Tom can explain what he means by that, or at least lie about what he means by that, the blood moon is about the drop, the lights turn red and tom walks off because he wants the music to be perfect. And then Marco arrives in his really damn cool calevara outfit. Which fair play, I can see why, besides ship reasons, it gets a lot of art: it looks really damn neat.  Speaking of shipping.. it’s time. Star, not realizing it’s marco, dances with him.. quite romantically in fact. It’s here that the show conciously starts Shipping star and marco together. Starco is born, and the scnee is really good: romantic, well animated, jsut great all around. While the ship would .. end up done rather poorly and lead to some really terrible stuff at the time.. it wasn’t abd and already shipping them I loved this and even now, even knowing what woudl come later... it’s not a bad sequence. The only bad thing is what would come later, but I can’t fault the writers of THIS EP for what they would do in a LATER ONE. That’s just not fair. The ship wasn’t bad to start and the later arc springing from it in season 2 would be good.. it just quickly went in bad directions as the series went on , then disappeared, then how it finallyc ame about was just awful. But as much as I want to.. I can’t blame the sequence on this. It didn’t create rabid shippers or poor writing, it was just good and deserves to be praised as such.  Naturally tom takes this about as well as me when I found out HBO max wouldn’t be on roku at launch and prepares to murder Marco.. and promptly gets frozen by star who decides to wisely get out of there. It’s a ncie moment.. and  reminder that Star is crazy powerful, as is the wand itself, because as we’ll see later, tom is no slouch himself in the power department, but even if her attack was from behind, she still stopped him in one move.  So Star takes marco home and dresses him down for sneaking in, understandbly so: while it was an iffy situation, Star knew who she was dealing with and as shown at the end, was strong enough that tom was no threat to her, and given what we learn later, Tom’s parents would likely never let her come to real harm. For all her reckless decision making, Star thought this one out and Marco shoudl’ve repsectied that and didn’t for his own reasons. To his credit though he apologizes, Star admits to liking the dance, then the two speak in unison a few times, and we wont’ get followup on that till the last season! Roll credits. I don’t have the credits for this episode so enjoy this instead:

Final Thoughts: Blood Moon Ball is a spectacular ep. A good plot, a great introduction for tom, and great animation and humor really make the episode pop and it’s nice to get our first look at the underworld and tom himself. Tom would be back, and i’ll be back to tom eventually, but on it’s own the episode is really good and it’s standout sequence still holds up even as starco ended up in the sewer quality wise. All in all a great ep and a great starting point if you haven’t watched the show yet.  Coming Soon: A return to Star in the near future probably since Tom is great and his second ep deserves love too, as do several other star eps, as well as a look at the saluna episodes of the loud house because i’m in a gay mood for obvious reasons, and a loud house mood for less obvious reasons. Until then, feel free to hit me up with asks with suggestions or commisosns for future reviews, and until next time, later days. 

[anxious-fandom-bean]

Time to call out everyone on my server

So on my server we have human memes

1) sad cat meme

2) animals with cowboy hats meme

3) mothman memes

4) myct memes

5) myct memes part 2 Electric Boogaloo

6) the guy entering the room with pizzas only to freeze and stare in shock and horror at the chaos within

7) ghosting memes

8) frog memes

9) dog and baby memes

10) kylo ren thirst posts

11) "fear me" memes but the image is of something not scary at all (like a bunny)

[she-talks-to-ang3ls]

For the Record

Reylo FF

In a world where the war is over and everyone is alive and happy. A night at a cantina reveals some interesting secrets for our favorite group of friends. OR...... Everyone finds out that Ben Solo once kissed Poe Dameron

A/N: This is just a silly plot bunny that came to me at 1 in the morning. Let me know what you think!

Link to AO3

———————————

Rey felt good. Really good. She was at a cantina with her friends, the war was over and Ben was at her side. In fact, Ben currently had his head buried in Rey’s neck.

“Woah, woah, can we not do the PDA? We get that you aren’t evil anymore but that doesn’t mean we want to see that,” Poe said as he gestured to Rey and Ben.

Rey laughed as she pushed Ben off her. He had a slightly loopy smile on his face. It was probably a result of all the alcohol they had been drinking all night. Still, it felt nice to see him so relaxed, especially amongst former enemies. It had taken time for her friends to believe that Ben Solo was no longer Kylo Ren, and even longer for them to move past the things he had done while in the First Order. While there were still some sore spots, they were all in a good place. Hence, why they had decided to celebrate a successful welfare mission at a local cantina on Dantooine.

“Please, Poe,” Rose said as she sat down, “I don’t think you have the right to lecture anyone on PDA. Or need I remind you about the X-Wing incident?”

“Rose!” Poe and Finn screamed at the same time.

Ben smiled mischievously, “What was the X-Wing incident?”

By the red tint on Poe’s face and the panic in Finn’s eyes, she could only guess what the X-Wing incident was.

“We swore we would never mention that again, Rose,” Finn begged.

Ben laughed, “Come on, Rose. I want to know! Honestly, there isn’t very much room to get up to anything in an X-Wing, how bad can it be?”

“Oh it was bad, trust me,” Rose laughed.

“I really don’t think I want to know this,” Rey said, joining the conversation. She really didn’t, Finn was like her brother and she did not need to know anything he did with Poe.

“Thank you, Rey!” Finn exclaimed.

Ben took another sip of his drink, poking at their force bond, Maybe we should check out an X-Wing, sweetheart, I’m sure we could make it work.

Rey glared at him, he was obviously emboldened by the alcohol to tease her like this public, usually he was much more reserved.

Please, as if you could even fit in an X-Wing, she responded, Plus, isn’t it bad enough we’ve defaced every surface on the Falcon?

Ben pulled her close and turned to whisper in her ear, “Are you we’ve hit every surface? Maybe we should go through it again to be thorough.”

Rey shivered, she turned to respond. Their faces were close and she really wanted to close the gap and….

“Hello! Okay, Poe I see what you’re talking about. No one wants to see that,” Finn said, snapping in front of their faces.

“See!” Poe yelled, “I’m sure I’ll be throwing up at some point tonight, but I don’t want to start this early."

Rey rolled her eyes, “Okay, we get it. We’ll be good.”

“No promises,” Ben muttered under his breath.

Rey hit him lightly on the chest, “Anyway, what were we talking about?”

“Oh just the usual,” Rose said, “How much Poe used to get around base during the war.”

“Maybe so, but now I am happily taken!” Poe laughed, giving Finn a loud kiss on the cheek, “Plus I can’t help that everyone wanted some of the Poe Dameron experience, isn’t that right, Rey?”

Ben’s head snapped to Rey so quickly she was afraid he would hurt himself, “What?”

Rey blushed, “It’s not like that, Ben”

Rey remembered the one time Poe Dameron kissed her shortly after leaving Crait. It had been a drunken night just like this one but a lot more depressing. They were the only two left in the common area, nursing whiskey when their lips quickly met before they pulled away and laughed.

“So maybe Rey’s the one that got around considering she’s kissed two people at this very table,” Poe accused.

“I mean to be fair, I’ve also kissed two people at this table,” Finn spoke up remembering his one kiss with Rose.

Rose laughed, “Okay, okay, so everyone’s kissed at least two people at this table except me and Ben, we’ve got to be the most incestuous friend group ever.”

Poe stood up suddenly, “Actually, that’s not true”

“Dameron” Ben said, gritting his teeth. He looked at Poe with a warning in his eyes. Rey stared at him questionably. She didn't know why he was reacting to Poe like this.

Poe cleared his throat and then gestured wildly to Ben, “Ben’s kissed two people at this table and I’ve kissed THREE!”

“WHAT?” The entire table yelled. Rey looked at Ben with her jaw dropped. They had briefly talked about past romances and somehow neither of them had mentioned Poe.

“Dameron!” Ben yelled at Poe.

“You two kissed?” Finn asked.

“When?” Rose questioned, “I can't believe this.”

Poe sat back down with a dramatic squish. “Yes we kissed, and not only that, we were each other’s first kiss weren’t we, Benny Boy?”

Ben looked like he wanted to die, “Do not call me that.”

“Wait, wait, wait, I need the story now,” Rose demanded.

Ben quickly opened his mouth to tell the story before Poe could, “Poe was visiting the Jedi temple with his parents, and we had known each other as kids. I was giving him a tour and well we just… you know.”

“Oh Ben, you’re taking all the romance out of it! See the Jedi weren’t supposed to have attachments so we had a forbidden romance,”

“It was a ten minute romance.”

“A ten minute romance with tongue. And groping”

Ben put his head on the table. This needed to end, “And that’s enough of that story. Let’s never mention it again.”

Rey was still in shock, “I cannot believe you two kissed.”

“We sure did, but alas it was not meant to be. Don’t worry, Rey. I forgive you for taking him away from me. I respectfully withdraw, Maker knows Ben would have never been able to choose between us if I didn’t” Poe said to her with a wink.

“You better respectfully withdraw, Dameron,” Finn grumbled.

Poe laughed and gave him another kiss on the cheek, “Please, you’re the only guy for me.”

“You were right, Poe. PDA is disgusting. I think I am going to call it a night,” Ben said as he stood up.

Rey stood too, lacing her hands with Ben’s, “I’ll go with you.”

“Ahhh come on!” Rose complained.

“See you three in the morning,” Rey budded then goodnight.

The walk back was filled with a comforting silence. It stayed that way as they reached their quarters on the Falcon and got ready for bed. It wasn’t until they were lying in bed that Rey broke the silence.

“So who’s a better kisser? Me or Poe?”

Ben groaned, “Oh my…. Maybe I should be asking you that.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “Don't be mean. I’m genuinely curious. Should I be worried that this was all just a ploy to get back your first love?”

Ben pulled her down to the bed and shut his eyes, “I think it’s time to go to bed, sweetheart.”

Rey laughed and turned, cuddling closer to Ben. She slowly started to drift off to sleep when she felt a light kiss to her shoulder.

“You’re the better kisser, Rey.”

Rey smiled, “So are you, for the record.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really doubt that, to be honest.”

“Go to sleep, Ben”

[sui-senka]

The dumbest post

I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:

@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema

I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.

I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am. 

It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.

But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.

I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.

Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing

I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.

Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.

I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above. 

I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.

I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.

You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.

It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers

What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism,  transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.

The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:

- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.

- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.

- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.

I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.

And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.

I don’t know what else to say but:

1. Get the hell away from our fandom

2. Get rid of your internet connection.

3. Get a life.

4. We don’t want you here.

5. You’re scum.

6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.

I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.

I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.

Yours sincerely,

sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.

[houseswolo]

Day 2 - 'Tis The Season To Be Thirsting

"You make me fly!"

Let's meet some more Thristies!

Athena

(Tumblr: @lilia-ula | Ao3: Lilia_Ula)

What got you into Star Wars?

ROTJ made a huge impression on me as a child. I fell hard for the Ewoks and had a soft spot for Salacious Crumb, the little wannabe Gremlin Jabba kept as a pet. So, I fell in love with the original trilogy backward, starting with VI and ending up with A New Hope. 😂

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!

Most definitely the subtext within their interactions in TFA. JJ and crew made sure I'd notice the hotness therein. *bless 'em*

Why do you write / make art?

To bring scenes I'll never see on the big screen to life. I'm shameless, a complete gratuitous writer.

The Object of your Thirst…

With my penchant for villainous crushes, Kylo Ren will ever wear the crown.

Which Adam look do you like the best?

TFA Kylo, aka the Grim Reaper I wish would kill me softly, closely followed by Dark Space Prince™ in TLJ. His coloring and features are made for black, and it flusters me endlessly that he humors my fetish by wearing TONS of it off screen.💦

Which part of Adam do you like the best? 

I'm so gonna sound like a creepy dude when I say this, but ah well. His eyes slay me. He is a master of portraying intensity and emotion, and it is best focused in his gorgeous eyes.

Favorite Star Wars Movie

The Last Jedi

What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?

E-rated erotica with feeling behind each thrust

Your TRoS Prediction

Oh, c'mon, I'm a red-blooded Reylo. They gonna tango.

If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)

Your destination is a dark, foreboding castle bordered by steep mountains to the North. You ride through flowering orchards an elegant state of decay, the fragrance of blossoms beguiling your senses while the imposing sight of the stronghold fills you with growing dread.

If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?

Drama Creme

What's your ideal environment for writing / creating? 

It takes me time and quiet to submerge, and those commodities are in short supply IRL. Hence, the molasses-in-January pace of my output.😭

Are you a dom or sub? 

I switch but am happiest as a sub.

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

There have been more glamorous places, but I'll spring for weird: on a lit-up bench in the middle of City Hall in Honolulu. 2 am. *okaybye*

What's your kink?

Wait, What? Like, as in only one? *dies laughing*

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

Means "Red Lily" in Hawaiian, an ode to my daughter's middle name, my roots and the color red, which tends to dominate the field in my subject matter.

Do you like it rough or soft? 

B O T H

Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made

This Way Lies Ruin

———

Cecelia

(Tumblr: @queenoferebor | Twitter: @queenoferebor12 | Ao3: Cecilia1204)

What got you into Star Wars?

I am an OT girl. I fell in love with a galaxy far far away as a kid and especially Han Solo, who was my first love. Forty-two years later and I'm still here, even more involved now that fandom is a thing and meeting my soul-sisters from all over the world. I loved the adventure, the romance and the whole concept of good and evil and redemption that SW gave me. I dragged my kids to the movies and I know I'll still be watching them until the day I have to sit right in front of the screen, with the sound at full blast, just to watch my babes in my old age.

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!

After TFA, I was pretty angry at Kylo, won't lie. Then I read Reylo stuff on Tumblr and before TLJ came out I tried my first Reylo fic and boom, I was hooked. It's basically my fave trope: redeemed bad/misunderstood guy that sees the light when he meets the love of his life. I mean, I'm a Sansan and Dramione, Beauty & the Beast shipper, so it fitted the bill, really.

The Object of your Thirst…

Originally, and for many, many, many years, it was Han Solo. That man could have made me burn up on Hoth. Then along came his son, Ben/Kylo, and while I didn't see it at first, now, hooley dooley but I thirst for him now. I would not not say no to a threesome with both father and son! Just saying 😏

Which Adam look do you like the best?

I'm a complete hoe for shorter hair, so Paterson, Phillip Altman and now Daniel Jones get my hormones racing. I would not say no to a jonesing on his desk on that basement. No, siree!

Which part of Adam do you like the best? 

All of him! Like, what's not to like? Narrowing it down is hard because I would lick that man from head to toe but it was his eyes and hair that got my attention. I could drown in those eyes and I've always had a hair kink, and his is perfection. Then there's his shoulders, arse, hands, mouth.....

Favorite Star Wars Movie

Was Return of the Jedi and then TLJ. If we get the Reylo pay off in TRoS, that could become my new fave

Your TRoS Prediction

Ben and Rey will declare their love and bone like bunnies in the Millenium Falcon. A girl can hope

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

Probably a stairwell. Near a railway line. Not nearly as sexy as it sounds, lol

What's your kink?

Hair. I love hair. And HEAs. If it doesn't have a happy ending, I'm not reading or watching, sorry. I don't want to be sad.

Use three words to describe yourself.

Happy, optimistic, loyal

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

I'm a mad LOTR and Hobbit fan, so that's where Queen of Erebor came from. The 1204 is my birthday

Do you like it rough or soft? 

Soft. I like romance but every now and then...

Favorite toy

My Satisfyer (clit stimulator) is currently my go to.

Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey

Han Sol. I really am a Hoe-lo for Solo!

———

Meet the other Thristies!

Thirst Order Advent Calendar Day:

1

cc: @tazwren @deadlikemoi @drnucleus @ashtyntaytertot @lostinqueue-ffa @my-jedi-life @shestoolazytologin @kaybohls @nite0wl29 @cosmo-gonika @wilsonthinks66 @roguesinside @areylofan @3todream3 @koderenn @queenoferebor @thereylowritingden @housedadam @house-crylo @houseplaidam

[ao3feed--reylo]

To Return Again

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2SOjJWD

by gotabingley

The battle is over and Rey is exhausted of it all, but most of all she is in private mourning, a mourning she cannot share with any of her friends.

But hope is not lost, and this author is going to give Reylo a happy ending, even if she knows jack-squat about Star Wars.

Words: 3953, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Rey (Star Wars), Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Luke Skywalker, Finn (Star Wars), Poe Dameron, Rose Tico

Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo

Additional Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Romance, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Canon Fix-It, totally a novice at this, sorry guys didn't hate tros, but plot bunnies, Redeemed Ben Solo, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Rey Needs A Hug, I want my disney-conditioned-mind HEA, back from the dead, kind of

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2SOjJWD