#btw don’t do it in that particular position that’s gonna hurt a lot

[juh-wasnt-deactivated19691231]

throwback to that time i tried to do this for halloween in college. i had bamboo and 50 yards of rope and everything

[weaselbeaselpants]

Weird week behind me weird week ahead of me but I’ve done a lot of self reflection and came to the weirdest epiphany. The older I get the more I realize all my ‘problems’ with VivziePop - her thoughts on criticism;  the choices she makes in story telling; some of the people she’s worked with (not that any of that’s my business; I’m not her mom) really aren’t about Viv, but more about her fandom.

I’m speaking of the preHazbin era Viv here and as someone who’s only watch horny fish jump at the surface rather than jump straight into the Hazbin-fandom, but given my ‘noncritical’ fellow fans have told me that the Vivziefandom now is also terrible - I guess I’ll go over my experience and make the most out of what I do know.

I followed Viv in 2009 and fell off in 2013 cause I kinda just lost interest and found myself wrapped up in other fandoms. I’ve always felt amicable about her content; I could give or take designs or the way in which she wrote characters -- ((Zech represent!!!)) but it’s honestly surreal and really fun seeing this person I recognize make it big and improve so much. Like I’ve said before I am very happy and very impressed with Viv doing all she’s done in the span of TWO YEARS. wow gurl.

Trouble is, there was the particular breed of fan who really made me...uncomfortable. They felt almost possessive of Viv’s attention. They sang praises about her work in a way that just made me want nothing to do with it because I was worried if I drew those characters these people would be like ‘hey, I’M Viv’s fav artist, not you!”. They would  unironically write Viv messages like:

“you are a GOD” -- “I’m so not worthy compared to you” --“I wish I was as talented as you” -- “YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND CAN’T DO WRONG VIV”.

The kind of messages which were meant to sound flattering but, intentional or not, came off as gaslighting, like they were guilt tripping Viv about being better than them. This behavior, treating your favorite artist/internet personality like your superior and groveling like Starscream, it strikes a nerve with me; partly because I was this way with my favorite artists and influences back in the day,  but also because once I got a taste of that treatment myself I realized just how bad it could be:

There was once a girl on dA who was jealous of me because of the attention I got on my art instead of her. I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop drawing but also that there was nothing wrong with her art and she’d find her place. It was weird being put in that position where someone is very clearly upset at you but also looking for your approval.

The second was some scumball who I blocked in 2016. He wouldn’t speak to me, only write condescending, backhanded comments on my art; check on my profile daily; call me a bootlicker (cuz I took commissions) behind my back; redrew my art and would talk about me in his personal artist notes about how I ‘probably wouldn’t see this’ - oh yeah all the while he did fan art of my characters but again never spoke to me when I replied. When I finally messaged him about his behavior he said he thought I was “really overrated” and “bad for the fandom” cuz I took money and kept him from getting the love he deserved. It took messaging another person within our fandom, one I had been in spats with online before, to finally realize I shouldn't put up with that bs....

That guy who was stalking me btw did so while I was well under 1.K watchers and am still pretty obscure. Anyway, I had one guy unhealthily watching me for the wrong reasons. Just one. This is why when Viv says she “hates creeps” I 150% believe this woman and am not about to call her a liar who just can’t take criticism. Like, if you really think that, I’m sorry but you don’t know what Viv’s gone through from both her critics AND fans.

Of course, a lot of people will be like “I bet you’re just jealous and really just want that kind of attention yourself so you’re preaching to the choir”, but like...no. I am envious of just about any creator who’s the social butterfly I’m not, but, like, if I'm jealous of an artist none of that is that artists’ fault. Ever. It’s my own issues with being comfortable with myself are at stake. If I criticize Viv’s work it’s not because I see her as competition or my Squilliam Fancyson; it’s because I’m a critical fan of animation and cartoons and have my own thoughts to share on the cartoons of an artist I’m familiar with.  Jealousy/envy/mixed-admiration/godIwishthatwereme.jpeg feels are totally natural and valid emotions when you’re a creator. Envy becomes a problem when you internalize, weaponize, and scrutinize people on the basis of them being what you aren’t which -yes - some people do in the name of criticism. ((Although, I would hardly say some of the nastiest AntiViv folk are jealous as much as they are angry that this project they think is harmful is getting attention and using that as justification for some really shitty behavior of their own, which no, this post is not a part of by virtue of coming from a critical fan.))

Critique can come from either a good place or bad place; good critique can be used to bad ends and bad critique can come from a well-meaning place, and vice versa.   It’s the difference between many a criticalfan having a sour taste in their mouth regarding the Viv’s base but persisting in a critique+admiration separate of that, and this asswipemonster trying to weasel his way into Spindlehorse while also bashing Viv on a public forum for clearly vitriolic reasons. He was a creep.

So yeah um please stop insisting that every Hazbin critic is just jealous’ because a) there are people who have a past with Viv’s base and that clouds their judgement, but in a lot of cases that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or thoughts on her work separate from that, and b) I’ve seen what clingy gaslighting jealous fans are. Spoiler: they’re not so much Annie Wilkes as much as they are Tommy Wiseaus. You don’t want Tommy Wiseau following you.

Another bad vibe I really picked up on that I can kinda confirm is still probably the case now: people think that they know Viv and the Spindlehorse crew and have the right to send them shit they don’t need or WANT to be seeing.

Like, I talked with Viv once ages ago. I don’t remember what I said other than we were talking about Frankenweenie, I think. She was nice. Outside of that she said “thank you” to my comments on her deviations but that’s it. I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN AND unless you’ve worked with or are a legit friend/mutual of hers, NEITHER DO YOU. But I don’t think every Vivzie stan/critic knows this. Whether it be people assuming she MUST think they’re headcanon is now canon-canon cuz she liked a comment they made; or some critic thinking they must have seriously hurt her pride because they’ve been blocked by her on twitter (or you know, maybe she and the rest of Spindlehorse is tired of getting @s and don’t have to time to read through your analysis so they’re gonna just block and move on cuz they’re busy).

Just because the creators talk with fans doesn’t mean fans are literally their best friends and have a part in the show’s direction. And yes, critics and reviewers fit that bill as well. Know your damn boundaries people.

If you find/make some kind of contribution as a viewer that’s awesome but you should never expect nor DEMAND the creator see it. The most obvious horror stories involving this and Helluva/Hazbin have been the Instagrams made by the crew being harassed by incestpedo enthusiasts, but it applies even to just @ing creators as well.

I’ve seriously had someone tell me to just take my criticisms directly to Viv and like...no. Why would I do that?

I respect Viv and the artists working with her enough to know that they’re working their asses off on an animated series and should not be bothered. I don’t want them to stop all they’re doing and reply to me. I want them to keep working. Also, that kind of logic makes me wonder how many critics Viv’s found because she found it on her own or if some obsessed fan told her about it - which is really messed up cuz if it IS just good critique you’re, again, just pestering her, and if it wasn’t critique but full on harassment WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MESSAGE HER ABOUT THAT ANYWAY? I’m sure she doesn’t need to be reminded that people drew and said really awful shit about her on Tapatalk. My point being I’m sure what people think they’re doing is

“OOOoh Viv lookitwut this person is doing in our fandom we need to ban together against this toxic behavior”

but what they’re actually doing, and sounding like, is -

“Hey Viv I know you are working so hard on the show and you’re trying to figure out where to go from here but LOOKITWHUTTHISHATERSAID. LOOKATIT! VALIDATE ME VIV AND PUT’EM IN THEIR PLAAAAAACE!”

TL;DR Viv’s fanbase back in the day consisted of everyman artists and interests but there was this one breed of fan -who I hope was just a vocal minority- that ruined it for everything else.

Call it stanning or ‘simping’ or as it’s classically known, ‘white knighting’, whatever it was it really soured a lot of people on her because of those fans.

That’s why the DollCreep drama got so bad from what I can tell. Doll and Viv had a falling out and then called out eachother online where people who took it upon themselves to speak for them starting throwing mud.

Back in the day I remember Viv used to get mad at artists for ‘stealing’ her style. I think this attitude from Viv directly has vanished but I remember it happening because one of the people she thought was stealing her style did art for me at some point and they were basically shamed/chased off deviantART by a gaggle of these really nasty Vivfans.

inb4> “VIV WAS AWARE AND STILL WEAPONIZES HER FANS THO”

I don’t know that. And honestly, where I’m inclined to believe she’d do something like that then I think Viv is really different and has improved her business and public image from her college days. I’d be very disappointed in her if she was pulling a Butch Hartman or Derek Savage, but I just don’t think she is one, k?

Viv is more self critical and aware than any of these uber protective-gatekeeping fans give her credit for. She said on the Pizzapartypodcast that she knows the Hazbin pilot wasn’t perfect; she’s been able to identify the problems with old Zoophobia; this woman knows that criticism of all kinds need to exist and from what I see she sounds like she’s trying to get used to that. It’s just, you know, when you have nasty antis badgering you, stalkers, obsessive yes-mam’ fans, opinionated shit posters, r34 artists, entitled shippers and the NDAs of a company alongside your own branded image - all that negativity, even the constructive bits, tend to clump together and you just want to scream at it so you can finish the damn cartoon already!!!!

TL;DR: PART TWO

VivziePop/mind is basically indie Tim Burton.  Her work is fun, shallow and made with love but is marketed as being for everyone when it’s really not. Parts of it I love to watch; parts of it drives me crazy cuz of reasonswhatev this isn’t a review.

BUT any fanbase where people tell me I should just “expect what’s coming to me” when I’m trying to argue against dragging creators into fandrama is troubling. People have a parasocial bond with fandoms and their creators and they need to learn when to back off.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

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Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

[normal-thoughts-official]

When/how do you think Ragnor and Catrina realized camille was being abusive towards Magnus?

Btw, I love u❤

fantastic question anon, i love YOU! i think that depends on a couple of factors. i think people who have already been or know people who have been in an abusive relationship are more likely to notice the warning signs, and/or to interpret stuff like the person pulling away as a sign of abuse. whereas people who haven't lived through it and aren't informed on it might not even realize what's going on until before it's over, and even be angry

so because we live in a hell world and catarina is a black woman, i think she is more likely to notice the warning signs than ragnor is, because black women are more likely to be in abusive relationships than white men. i'm not saying catarina herself has been in an abusive relationship necessarily but presumably her family has plenty of black women and she's also more likely to also be friends with other woc and marginalized ppl than ragnor is because again, hell world. so she has a higher chance of having been in a similar position before, although of course that's no set in stone rule and ragnor's circle of friends does seem to have a lot of marginalized ppl (and i hc him as aroace which makes him queer which puts him in an entirely different position than a straight white man and probably means something about the relationships he builds, but anyway) BUT my point is, i think catarina is more likely to notice earlier

i think ragnor is pretty perceptive tho, and also that they are pretty close and talk a lot, so i think once catarina noticed she would have talked to ragnor, and it wouldn't take ragnor long to realize that she was right

so okay when would they notice? i think that's always a slow process but i'm pretty sure their suspicions would first arise when magnus started to ditch them and stuff like parties and outings because of camille. first of all, i don't think that's like magnus at all, and second of all, there is an obvious difference between "i'm in the honeymoon phase" and "sorry, i don't think it's a good idea, my partner might not like it" or even "yeah! that sounds great!... just let me ask my partner about it". big difference

so that already has catarina in particular very wary of her because magnus is not the kind to ditch his friends because of a partner and the way he's acting about this is weird. so, she decides to keep an eye and maybe even put this to the test by making a surprise visit and invite him to a party like, right then doijadiosaj and she takes him out and she notices that magnus is Out Of It and he seems even a little... tense and scared and almost paranoid. and like, this is relatively at the beginning of their relationship so she wouldn't have been Horrible about it yet but at the beginning the person expresses enough control and discomfort with these things for you to be kind of uncomfortable even if you don't really realize that it's because you're Scared Of Hurting Your Parner

so THAT gets catarina really worried, because if magnus can't relax because he's afraid of camille's reaction, and worse, if he doesn't REALIZE that's why, that's the reddest a flag can get in such an early stage of their relationship. she tries to talk to magnus about it but magnus is the king of deflecting and basically waves her worries off. which just makes her more worried, but what is she supposed to do? she knows that pushing will only makes things worse and make it easier for camille to turn magnus against her and cut their ties. so, she lets it go and pretends that she buys his excuses. that's probably when she also talks to ragnor. ragnor probably had noticed that something was off but he hadn't really thought that it would be something super bad, and i think he'd still have his doubts about it, but well, he has that on the back of his mind now. and besides, he trusts catarina's judgement and he can admit when she is more qualified than him to assess something. it's why their relationship works

the first time they say anything is probably when magnus tells him about some fight they've had. probably because magnus told camille that he was upset about something she did - like idk, making fun of him in public about a topic that's sensitive to him. and like magnus wasn't even mad at her, he had never mentioned that whatever joke she made was off limits or related to a sensitive topic, he just wanted to communicate and let her know that it had hurt him, and she pretty much Exploded at him. and somehow turned it all around so it was magnus' fault for accusing her of trying to hurt him on purpose when that's not what magnus did, and now magnus pretty much wanted advice on how to apologize and let her know that he loves her

so catarina and ragnor try to subtly poke holes in her logic and show him that he has nothing to apologize for, without straight up being like "she's manipulating you" because Kids, That Does Not Go Well. and it makes magnus... heartbreakingly confused in that way abused people get when the logic they have been being shoved under shows cracks that would mean something too awful to even imagine

and catarina is a fucking wreck because at this point, she is sure of it and it makes her relive... so much trauma of other people she's seen go through that and lost and/or her own relationships if you want to go with that. and she doesn't want to lose magnus or have magnus go through that but she doesn't know what to do and she KNOWS that next step is magnus pulling away from her and ragnor no matter how careful she is

she probably gets the rare Comforting Hug from ragnor once magnus leaves and she also talks to dot and maybe elias? you know, their other friends. and they have a Catarina Comforting Day and hear her stories and cuddle and you know, try to make her feel better. and eventually they try to devise some kind of game plan so they can try to help magnus get out of this

it all goes to shit of course when they have the rare outing with camille, and camille is Obviously Refusing To Interact With Them If She Can Avoid It which is classic abuse thing - sure, i'll go see your friends, but you have to choose between interacting with them and me, so really you don't actually get to see with your friends because you'll feel bad that i'm isolated and eventually seeing your friends will feel either pointless or nervewracking cuz it feels like juggling your relationships. and if you want to see them without me i am going to act like you have something to hide and i'm a victim

anyway! so they notice that and they try to undermine that tactic by, you know, interacting with her a lot. so camille switches it up and tries to pick up a fight, and lo and behold, she succeeds - i know ragnor doesn't look like the kind of guy who loses his temper easily but i think when you push his buttons he is VERY bad at hiding it and half a snappy comment is all camille needs to lash out at him and play the victim. she's good

so that's when their plan gets fucked and everything goes to hell because then it's just too easy for camille to isolate magnus from his friends with really just a few tweaks to the previous tactic i mentioned - "are you really picking them over me, magnus? you're gonna keep hanging out with them when they are so rude to me, probably tell you all sorts of things about me, try to get you to break up with me? can't you see how manipulative they are? how they're trying to turn you against me? why do you insist so much on seeing them when you know how much that hurts me?"

and done

catarina and ragnor probably fight after that because god DAMN it, she fucking tOLD him that they had to be careful! and she's been swallowing all kinds of shitty comments from her but ragnor just had to fucking lose it at the first provocation, didn't he? and god knows how long it'd take for them to reach him after that, because camille is already preemptively making him think that they are trying to manipulate him to break up with her out of jealousy so he won't listen to anything they say directly. and she's right, of course, and ragnor is out of his depth and doesn't UNDERSTAND how these things go and how much this slip up will affect them in the future

i like to think that ragnor apologizes to her and catarina probably... has a breakdown because fuck she is worried and she is reliving way too many nightmares here. and ragnor is actually very tender and hugs her and apologizes and kisses her forehead and tells her that he's going to fix it. and he actually swallows his pride and apologizes to camille just to try and turn this thing around, but, well. the damage is done. and really, there is only so much friends can do when dealing with something like this. at the end of the day, they did all they could

and from then on they try their best to be there for him and pull magnus out of the camille-created isolation, but there's only so much they can do, and it's up to magnus to notice and get help to get rid with her. they'll always try to be his support system, but well. it's hard

and of course eventually magnus does get rid of her claws and catarina, ragnor, dot, elias etc., are all there for him when he does. and he probably feels guilty because he pushed them away but really they are just so RELIEVED that he's finally free of her. and him and catarina probably get a teary hug full of apologies for things that aren't their fault, and they try to make up for lost time by spending as much time as possible together now. especially because i think that it also hurts catarina to have her friends pull away - she obviously yearns for family, for closeness, i don't think she does well with people pulling away from her, she wants the kind of closeness that comes from routine and she used to have that with magnus and the rest of the immortal squad, you know? and magnus knows that, so, he tries to compensate

and eventually they start to heal their relationships, but magnus still has a long way to heal himself, but well. he'll get there. they are together and all

[spotofimagines]

Family Incident ~ Charlie Weasley

A/N: Look, I know I said the second part to “Keeping A Secret” was gonna be the next thing but I got a little stuck on it. I was in writing mode and had this idea so here we are. The other fic is half done so it won’t be long until it’s posted. I do love this one tho, I hope you guys enjoy! btw if this gif is yours let me know and I’ll tag you for credit (I had it saved so I don’t know who made it).

Requested by: no one

Warnings: injury, hospital (neither are in detail)

Summary: You’re used to being in hospitals with Charlie but after a quidditch match with his brothers outside the Burrow, you get a whole new hospital experience.

Once again, you found yourself spending your afternoon sat on the cushioned chairs of an imfirmary waiting room whilst Charlie got checked on by a healer. It certainly wasn’t an odd experience for you anymore, Charlie being a dragonologist meant you visited healers in Romania pretty much once a week to deal with burns, gashes and the odd knock to the skeleton.

But this particular visit was strange. You hadn’t found yourself in St Mungo’s in years and you hadn’t been accompanied by more than one person during your wait since you were in Hogwarts. It made the environment a little more hectic; Molly pacing back and forth, Arthur rustling the pages of the newspaper he was reading, but most distractingly, the bouncing leg of the nervous girl sat next to you.

----

The Weasley siblings and Harry were playing a small game of quidditch outside the burrow. You and Hermione sat on the steps next to the door catching up with your lives, Hermione cheering for Ginny whenever she got a hold of the makeshift quaffle.

Before you knew what was happening, a bundle of red hair and fleecy jumpers were hurtling to the ground. The nasty thud you heard made you cringe inside but in a quidditch match with this family, falls and bumps were casual. It was Hermione jumping up fearfully shouting Ron’s name that filled you with panic, causing you to look over and see someone on the grass and another person seconds from the same fate before you rushed up and followed her worried trail.

The four remaining brooms flew down as fast as possible and they huddled around the two boys on the ground. Hermione crouched down next to Ron, brushing hair off his forehead and muttering calming words despite her terrified expression.

You were about to crouch on the other side of him to see where he was hurt when an all too familiar groan came from the floor on the other side of you. Looking down to your right, Charlie was spread out, wriggling around a little, his hair and clothes sprawled in every direction as he tried to push himself up to stand. You instantly moved to him and wrapped an arm around his back, hooking the other under one of his arm until he stood straight - or as straight as he could get - as his pained huffs filled your ears.

“There you go.” You said in his ear, your eyebrows furrowing when you noticed him gripping his shoulder. Carefully you placed your hand on top of his at his shoulder, intending to have a look at how seriously he was hurt.

“Blimey Ron!” George blurted as he tucked the makeshift quaffle under his arm, “Your leg looks awful!” You snapped your head over to the others. “Hey!” You shouted to get their attention and you put your finger against your lips. “He doesn’t need to know.” Your whisper-shout caused them all to be quiet and look back down to Ron. The only sounds in the yard were Ron’s whimpers of pain as he squirmed under Hermione’s attentive but shaky hands.

That was until Molly ran out the house.

“What the bloody hell has happened here?!” Her yells filled the quiet yard as she waved her arms in stern panic at the sight of one son on the ground, one son slightly hunched over under his girlfriend’s arm and everyone else looking rather pale.

“It was an accident mum.” Charlie grumbled out, his hand grabbing his shoulder again as he straightened to face Molly. Your hands still kept him steady since you could tell he was more than a little sore from his fall. He had had his fair share of quidditch falls from his time as Gryffindor seeker at Hogwarts, but this seemed like a nasty hit to his body even for him.

Molly gasped when she saw Ron’s leg and leant down to inspect him.

“We were playing quidditch, Ron was looking for a good pass, I was busy making sure Ginny didn’t hit me, Fred was shouting loud, I don’t know…” he explained, his words becoming quiet at the end of his sentence, knowing whatever reasoning he gave wouldn’t change what happened. He sucked in a sharp breath and you rubbed his back to sooth him.

“We didn’t see each other I guess. I’m so sorry Ron.” His eyes were filled with pain from his shoulder and pain from knowing he hurt his younger brother. Ron didn’t reply, he just let out another whimper of pain as Molly toyed with his ankle.

“Oh you will be sorry if this is detrimental Charles!” Molly scolded, Charlie’s eyes squeezing shut as he looked down at the grass letting out a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe he was the reason for Ron hurting this badly, he’d only been home for a day and this is what he had managed to do. Maybe he was better suited to dragons for a reason.

Molly looked over at her second eldest son and sighed, realising her words were a bit harsh given how much Charlie would be beating himself up for this.

“Ginny go get your father, we’ll have to go to St Mungo’s for this,” her words were still angry but they were controlled so to diminish some of Ron’s and Hermione’s fear.

“Fred, George,” she stood and informed her children, fury washed away as her instincts kicked in, “tell Perc- actually no Harry, tell Percy he is in charge until Bill and Fleur arrive, they shouldn’t be longer than an hour away by now. Fred and George, you clean up all this equipment and please behave for your brothers.”

As the members of the group went inside the house one by one, Arthur quickly came toward you with a concerned look. “What’s gone on?” “Quidditch crash.” You replied with the short story, Arthur nodding and moving over to Ron as he talked nonsensically to Hermione through the pain.

You rubbed the back of Charlie’s hurt shoulder before wiping a few stray tears off his cheeks as he tried his hardest to avoid your eyes yet moved further into your hold. You softly held his jaw and made him look at you, giving him a soft peck and resting your forehead on his as the regretful blue of his eyes made your heart hurt for him.

“You’ll be fine love. Ron will be okay, I’m sure.” You whispered, giving him a second peck then wiped his cheeks again as a few fresh tears fell from his eyes after they closed.

Charlie was used to being bashed around a lot from the creatures he worked with everyday and you knew he would be unfazed by his own injury. His distress and concern came from the state of his little brother, and he was getting more restless by the second as Ron’s whimpers and groans reminded him of his mistake.

Your fingers automatically found his as you stepped to the side to give Molly a chance to quickly check her son’s condition. Charlie’s hand gripped yours tightly as Molly rolled his arm ever so slightly, telling you that your hospital visit would be a lot longer than your usual trips.

—-

You sat looking at the posters on the walls. Your leg was loosely crossed on top of the other, your fingers drumming an absent tune over the fabric of your knee.

Hearing a shaky huff come from your side, you saw Hermione staring at a random spot on the floor whilst her fingers nervously fidgeted on her lap. You knew exactly what she was feeling, having been in her position when Charlie first started working with dragons and a couple major injuries got your anxiety reaching higher levels than you’d known before. But eventually the regularity of the situations meant you had no choice but to gradually calm down, and when the big incidents got Charlie in serious pain, you just worked through the routine without considerable fear to make sure he didn’t panic.

“You know,” you said gently, giving Hermione’s arm a soft tap so you didn’t startle her out of her thoughts. “Me and Charlie used to be just like you and Ron; panic first, think second, then stress until he’s healthy. That was before we ended up on the reserve and he’d be getting injured every other day like the clutz he is.” You smiled at the thought of his clumsiness and you swore you noticed the faintest of smiles poking the corners of Hermione’s lips.

“I don’t care less now, I definitely still care about his health, I just worry about sitting in these waiting rooms less. I’ve realised he’s actually a pretty strong guy,” you say with a light-hearted warmth, “and I know once the shock has worn off that Ron will be the same.” You smiled sympathetically at Hermione. She nodded at your words and you knew she was trying to appear calm but she was still scared about Ron’s condition.

When the door separating the waiting room from the medical areas opened, Hermione flew up to her feet and rushed across the room with Molly not too far behind. Hermione stood next to the door waiting anxiously as Molly continued on in front of her. Your heart warmed from your unmoved position in your seat at the love and worry the women held.

Seeing Charlie’s orange curls come through the doorway first made you slowly stand up, making no real rush to get to him. Molly wrapped him in a loving but cautious hug before telling him something you couldn’t hear.

She kissed his cheek and he smirked, squeezing her shoulder before catching your eye and straightening up. Giving a small thanks to his mum, he stepped toward you smiled sheepishly as you let out a breathy laugh at his arm in a sling.

You hands softly held his jaw whilst you gave him a kiss, his good arm around your waist now relaxed in its natural place around you.

“Quite the fashion statement there.” You joked as your arms snaked around his neck, careful not to budge the white fabric on his shoulder. His breath fanned over your face as he laughed at your comment. “Think it looks quite good to be fair, might keep it for a while,” he looked down at his arm moving it around slightly, pondering, “What d’you think?”

“I don’t think you have much choice, my love.” You giggled when his face changed from lazy happiness to feigned shock before growing into a massive grin. Shaking your head amused, you moved your hand to his cheek to brush your thumb over a small cut on his cheek. He leaned into your touch and you could see the tiredness in his expressions from being medically worked on for a few hours whilst trying to assure himself Ron would be okay. All you wanted to do was take your boyfriend to bed, let him get the rest he needed after the long day and have some warm cuddles. But you needed to stay and see Ron, more for Charlie’s sake so he would actually get some sleep that night.

You saw Hermione trying to peek through the window of the door behind Charlie and sighed. When Charlie’s eyebrows furrowed a little, you nodded toward her and he instantly saw the resemblence between her and a younger you, making him smile sadly at the situation he felt he had put her in.

“Come on,” You said quietly, “We’ve got some first timers here.” You beamed as you wiggled your eyebrows and started guiding him toward the seat you were in earlier, away from the perturbed pair. A smirk lit up his face to match yours, lazily letting his free arm be pulled by you. He turned his head to Hermione as he kept slowly following your feet. “He’ll be out in just a minute.” He reassured her, making her nod with the faintest smile of thanks before Charlie focused on you again.

[struwwelzeter]

So I read your reply to Nyarisu's comment on Lionheart and I'm really intrigued by your comments about how people understand punk compared to what it was initially. Could I possibly ask you to expand on this? Pretty please?

Yes you could! This is a very (very?) personal point of view and I know a lot of people will disagree, but here goes nothing, I guess. If you disagree with me (and somebody will), that’s fine, but I will not engage with anything that’s not a constructively put argument. I’ve spend too much time thinking about this for a “I don’t like what you’re saying and that’s why you’re wrong” anon to change my mind. Just putting that out there - with love 💜.

The thing is, especially on tumblr but I think just in generally aswell, the idea of punk is presented as this ... Robin Hood kind of thing. Beat the system, stand up to bullies, live your own truth, all of that, but it always is presented as something that is supposed to come from a ... dare I say, nice place? Like those pictures of people in studded and sprayed leather jackets rescuing puppies. All of that, you know? And I don’t want to say that is wrong, because it isn’t, and I love the idea of that, it’s just not the entire truth.

Especially in the early to mid 70s, when arguably punk started, there was a lot of fatigue between an old and stuffy establishment and the lovey, dovey peace and love “let’s all be happy” movement of the hippie scene. I was at Force Attack in 2006, which is a punk festival (and possibly dirtiest place in the world) that got established in the early 90s and went on til 2008 (?), and even then some of the “death to hippies” sentiments ran pretty deep. And I know the counter argument to that will be a well meaning “well, that’s not real punk,” the problem is that I think it actually partly is. (Please keep the partly in mind for the rest of this argument.)

The problem with having the exact choice between “get a good job, built a nice house, think of what the neighbours will say, and don’t ask me about what I did in the war” and “we’re all a big part of one human family, and isn’t nature beautiful, lets all make peace, and btw we would have never done what our parents did” is that both models aren’t a sustainable life style for everyone. That’s why you get alot of people saying this is all fake bullshit, and they start being purposely offensive. This is why you get alot of Swastikas around the sex pistols, you get all these artists singing about suicide and incest and rape. It’s not that uncommon for some of those early acts to play with Nazi imagery, or claim that homosexuality is disgusting (despite the scene always being full of LGBTQ+ people), or idk, thinking it’s fun to piss on someone while they’re asleep. It’s alot of outcry, of saying life actually is this shitty and disgusting and I am gonna be that because in a way you will hate me either way. And it’s not always nice. Disdain and hate and petty selfishness are common human emotions and many of them are low and unhealthy, and honestly not nice or helpful or inclusive, but they are there, and I think alot of that early spirit was just about stopping to pretend that they don’t exist.

I think a reason for why we don’t think of the scene that way anymore is that many people very quickly outgrew that, and said “actually, we’re better than that, that’s not who we actually are. I sadly can’t find that interview right now, but Die Ärzte are actually a good exemple of that and they even admit it themselves, that there was a sense of “enough with the happy hippie bullshit, let’s disgust them” and then later going “uhmm - maybe that went a bit far.” I mean offensive or not, but ultimately a scene that is centered around artistic expression always ends with that question of creation, maybe like “if the world isn’t like what we want it to be, how do we make one we like?” - and then you end up with having to come up with answers that are more than just destruction. And then it turns into something else - something that I think is alot more like what tumblr seems to think punk is. And that’s a wonderful thing. Still - a side of punk, whatever that is, has always been what people like GG Allin (please read the wiki for context) have taken and pushed to the limits, and it just - isn’t nice. And here is where things get a bit tricky.

Because against that backdrop, things like John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) suddenly being a dirty old Trump supporter aren’t that surprising anymore. And then you get these 20 year olds “cancelling” the Sex Pistols, and I think there is just a bit of ... missing the point going on. I’ve read a comment on here recently, that basically said something like Richard should stop supporting the Sex Pistols (because he has that album in the back of the studio), and it’s just ... asking for a history to be erased that has rightfully been made obsolete but has still happened and was necessary at the time. You can take any of these early bands and pick their lyrics apart and find something that from our perspective now is disgusting, mean, exclusive, or outright racist. Songs about Fucking? Part of that record is a mysogynisy shitshow, something they were very aware of even at the time, and they still did it anyway because being disgusting was part of the point. The thing is though, the Sex Pistols were hugely influential, and alot of the positive things that grew out of that wouldn’t have been possible if kids like young Richard, or any of the bands you love that were influenced by them, wouldn’t have gotten that moment of “finally a place where I can put all of my petty hate”. It matters, and just because that moment is overcome, it doesn’t mean it should be forgotten, or stops existing in the people that lived through it.

I understand that the question of how much we should justify things with “it was the time” and how we deal with the result is an ever ongoing debate and their are many good arguments for why maybe we shouldn’t try to defend the wrongs of the past that way, and I want to point out that while I rarely agree on that in the first place (because I understand history as a natural learning curve where people aren’t perfect at the first try and it’s doing a disservice to humans just doing their best, but I digress and that’s a bit of another duscussion), I want to point out that I don’t want to defend anyone, rather I want to say “actually, being that horrible was often calculated, part of the point, and if you don’t like it, just leave it, fight it or debate it, but don’t pretend like it was a “missstep” or just a few black sheep of a scene that was never as nice or perfect as you want it to be.” You don’t get to erase half of a movement simply because you wish it wouldn’t exist the way it does - or well. I guess in this case mostly did - past tense.

The ugliness is part of the story to me, and it’s actually the bigger part of why I love this scene. I don’t need “punk” to define my politics, I need it to soothe my soul, and so did many, I think. The Sex Pistols breaking happened 20 years before my time, but I still feel connected to that world, and in particular the ugly parts of it. I often feel like I look at the world, and there are people that seem honestly shocked by the idea that maybe sometimes I find doing the right thing really hard, that I want petty, self serving revenge, that I don’t find it easy to not be selfish and unkind or sometimes want to hurt people because I am hurting myself and see an opportunity to do that. Obviously those aren’t nice things and I don’t want to be that way, but are you honestly telling me you don’t feel that? I find that hard to believe, and it leaves me with an ongoing question of if I am just worse than most people or if most people are just more fake. Both scenarios are equally shit. The ugly side of punk provides - not an answer to that - but maybe a partial solution, at least for me.

Another discussion we have all the time is about how what we consume or allow in artistic expression is influencing how we act as people in real life and how we want the world to be. Where do we draw the line? What is still ok? If I put me entertaining ideas about murder on a canvas, is that still good? what if it’s racism? What if it’s rape? We argue alot about how providing a safe space in art for those feelings is actually preventing us from acting on it in real life, how it’s an outlet of something we would never actually want or do, but then where is the limit to that? I am putting this intentionally controversial, but if we admit that most of us grow up with internalized racism and mysogyny, by that logic, why can’t I paint something that is blatantly hateful if I have those feelings? Maybe that is my way of fighting it, you don’t have to look at it? Not saying that’s what I am doing or would want to do, but what if? For some people Rammstein singing about not wanting to be Angels is crossing that line, for some of us that line is drawn alot later. Who is right? Isn’t that just personal sensitivity? Can you honestly rationalise that? Isn’t it just processing our different levels of petty hate in different ways? I don’t have the answers to any of that, it’s just questions I often have and that I think have to do with this, because alot of the nasty bits in punk will justify it exactly that way, as artistic expression. Alot of it isn’t as political as this scene is made out to be, it’s simply asking those things. I personally relate to that alot, as someone who arguably would draw the line of “we should stop doing this” in art very, very, very late - and certainly later than my own personal comfort zone.

I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense at all. I hope it does - and if it doesn’t it’s probably because I don’t know either, or because I don’t want to fully blow this up into an essay (sorry, too late?) or because I suck at making a point, or maybe because we simply disagree. All I know is that I sometimes see these posts of “what is punk and what isn’t” and it leaves me with this taste of “you’re describing a utopia and it’s cute and I want that too, but it’s not everything punk as I know it is, and it feels like you don’t want to see something that mattered too - even if it was brutal and disgusting.” And everytime I see it I feel alien, like something that mattered to me so much as a teenager and young adult gets taken away from me and made into something so sleek and pretty it becomes something unattainable to be that I simply don’t manage to live up to in the way I would like. I guess that is a petty, selfish way of looking at it too.

«It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.»

- John Lydon

[sevensav--d-archived]

@knifelizard​ sent  🔥 🔥

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.

**Okay so to preface this, these are MY bad takes and MY pet peeves, and I am just ONE person so please don’t take anything I say to heart bc what the fuck do I know, I’m nobody.

🔥 Formatting makes RP so much harder for me.  Like, five years ago this shit wasn’t around, I stg.  At least not in the rpcs was in.   I have trouble reading small fonts, and FOLKS THEY ARE JUST GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER like If I have to copy and paste your text into a dang word doc and up the size, I’m probably not going to want to keep writing with you!  It’s too much work!!!  Icons too, those are getting so dang tiny and like, more power to you if your eyes can understand, but with small sizes on top of psds that more often than not degrade the image, I can barely tell what I’m seeing.  

The thing is, I understand that doing formatting is some of the fun for roleplayers, so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Not everyone has the same beef with their eyes as me.  BUT, there’s a big ol’ problem with a sense of elitism that comes with ~formatting~ in rpcs.  I have noticed it pretty much first hand, since my formatting pretty much ends at cutting and trimming my posts.  I shouldn’t have to force myself to take even MORE time on my posts in order to be noticed and taken seriously as a roleplayer.  I literally HAVE changed the way I do certain things just to fit in with more of the RP trends, and I ended up stopping doing a lot of them because they took too much time and they just suck the fun out of it for me.  Other folks, do it, go ahead, have fun.  But it really grinds my gears when I’m made to feel like I’m not as good at the whole RP thing because I don’t do extra formatting.  I should be judged on my writing and dangit, I think my writing is pretty good, apart from the spelling mistakes I make.

Even simple shit like, making new posts for asks- That’s a GREAT development, I love it but FUCK it makes me tired and sometimes I just don’t wanna do it but I KEEP doing it because literally everyone else does it.... AND THAT SUUUUUCKS like let me live please I already have a hard time writing please don’t pressure me into taking the time to make a complicated theme and making my posts more ~aesthetically pleasing~ when I’m just here to read!  I just wanna read!!!!!!!! :(((((((((((  

Anyway long story short, It only slightly bugs me when people format a ton, bc it’s inconvenient for me- but I can work with that bc I want other people to have fun.  It’s when MY fun is in jeopardy bc I don’t wanna put in the extra work, THAT’S when I get a bit!!! Miffed!!!  Phew.  Okay, moving on.

🔥 MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS until your mental health makes you do something that I don’t like then you’re just toxic and a bad person, OR it doesn;t matter bc you’re not popular.  Like.  Bruh.  BRUH.  I’m gonna expose myself a bit here and state that there have been times on my blogs where I am like.  Teetering on the edge of collapse, and I’m not only crying for help, I’m strapping a neon sign to my face saying “I NEED TO BE TALKED TO OR ELSE I WILL JUST NOT COME BACK” and literally???? Crickets.  

Like my feelings have been hurt so many times, by so many people in this rpc that I’m just floating on a sea of amicability waiting for people to cut me off from them bc I’m so desperate for attention or I’m so clingy but god forbid, if someone with a really popular blog pulls the same shit as me, it’s positivity city.  I could go on about how inbox positivity irks me, but I know that a lot of people really do enjoy getting it.  I just wish I didn’t always have to see it when I’m barely hanging on and begging for a little love but feeling like no one sees me or cares.  It’s like being really hungry and watching someone get fed by a bunch of other people.

I’M JEALOUS!  I AM A PERSON WHO GETS JEALOUS it’s a whole dang part of how my mental illness processes itself in my pea brain noggin!!!  Jealousy is an UGLY emotion and it makes you do SHITTY things.  I am VERY aware of this fact and I’m making efforts to call attention to my needs in a healthier way but dang dang dang is it hard to do that a lot of the time when you see other people getting away with literally the exact same behavior.  Like????????  Ugh.  UGH!  I’m tired. 

“Just leave the RPC bones” WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?  Why is it that the only way I can get anyone to even glance in my direction is to have my much more popular than me best friend call attention to my needs (love them very much btw) but seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  This RPC needs to reflect a bit on how they handle people with “the wrong” kind of mentally ill.  Not every adhd or depressed roleplayer is the same.  Stop.  Treating them.  Like.  They are.  And stop!  Ignoring!  The people who are hurting!  Jeez!  It’s more than just anxiety go brrr or depression go brrr for some people, this is like.  All we fucking have.  And losing it could be really bad for some people.

Anyway, I know this particular subject is really touchy and nuanced and whatever but I’ve been in enough RPCs to recognize when there’s a problem.

If you can’t take someone’s mental health, like if they are too much for you, TELL THEM there’s a pretty good chance they’re aware that they’re a lot to handle, and will either try to be better, or will accept your decision and move on.  Don’t maintain ‘friendships’ if you’re not actually going to maintain them, you’re just going to hurt someone when they think they can rely on you, but they really can’t.  You don’t owe that to anyone, but you shouldn’t dangle it in front of someone only to take it away when you don’t want to deal with the negative side effects of someone’s mental illnesses.  And LETS BE REAL IF YOU RP YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME SHIT so I think we ALL could learn to be more empathetic.  Talk to people, if you can.  If you can’t??????  I hope you’re doing okay.

UGH.

Okay.  Alright, I got that out.  Those were two big ones that have been eating at me for literally months.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, please do nooooot bother trying to make me feel shitty about how I feel.  I already feel shitty for feeling this way!  These opinions are unpopular, I do not expect anyone to be on my very specific, very mean page.

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 11 - The Yunmeng Sibs have shitty parents & *Screams in Doctor*

Hello hello! Long time no talk, who’d thought finishing med school wound not free my schedule up? Not me that’s for sure. Btw I have an iPad case (where I’m watching and writing) that can turn into a stand so the screen is upright. HOWEVER the lower flaps that hold the iPad in the case broke so it just keeps sliding down and giving me heart attacks, you’ll hear me screaming about it further down I’m sure. So enjoy my pain.

This farewell scene is fucking me up tho. Why do you want tears so early in the episode screenwriters? Why? (Also, MY STILL HAS NOT HAD TREATMENT FOR THAT STAB WOUND)

Aw my One Braincell Trio worries about MY is adorable tho (yet another missed opportunity for him to make actual friends who care about him and not end up as JGY)

I’m sorry for the thirst but HOLLY SHIT WANG ZHUOCHENG’S BONE STRUCTURE.

That’s it. I’m going to stop the tv series here when they’re in Lotus Pier and everything is fiiiiine. Btw watching that servant girl run through the place has convinced me that I 100% would trip taking a corner and end up in the lake.

YUNMENG SIIIIIBS

Ok, pause to say: I do think Madame Yu is a BAMF. I also think that’s literally her only redeeming quality. I don’t like Mme Yu and I don’t like JFM and y’all are gonna have to endure my ranting.

This woman is just spoiling for a fight isn’t she?

Ok, the first time I saw this, I was willing to be on her side. My mum does the same thing where she rants when she’s worried and my dad is more phlegmatic (until he snaps then they just scream at each other and I eat popcorn). The instant I decided that she could go hang was when she started being an asshole to her kids. And they just take it, so it is clearly not the first time she’s called her daughter a mildness follower and her son idiot and useless fuuuuck her.

And of course JFM goes and pulls the “man from way back when” misogynistic bullshit and tells her to go rest. Why would he either try to not have this conversation in from of their children or stand up for all of them.

Ok. How did LWJ not get a massive footprint on his PALE BLUE clothes from WZL’s kick?

Also, let me go down the clothes, or rather footwear, rabbit hole for a second. Those fucking boots can’t be comfortable. I know that’s the shape they had and whatever but they don’t move when you walk. My god, I own 12 pairs of Doctor Martens, I did pointe in my ballet class for years, I know a lot about unyielding shoes and I can tell you, that walking without being able to flex you foot is horrendous. How. Why. Am I missing something that’s common knowledge about those boots by virtue of not being Chinese? (And having almost zero knowledge of traditional Chinese clothing)

Alright, back to the show LWJ about to throw hands at WC (not with, WC is too much of a coward).

Yay the butterflies!

My one track mind: *takes note of the fakeness of the fake blood*

Xichen bb noooooo.

Wait wait wait. Assuming the Cloud Recesses siege and the conversation when JFM tells our boys they’re leaving for Nightless City in three days are happening simultaneously that means LWJ fucked off to indoctrination ON A BROKEN LEG. And he got there only a bit before the people from Yunmeng, however Cloud Recesses is further away than Lotus Pier, so he was fucking rushing, ON A BROKEN LEG. Please tell me he was at least wearing plaster under his clothes (no he wasn’t, at least not in the Murder Turtle cave) *Screams in Doctor*

(But FR, don’t pull that kind of bullshit, walking around on a fracture can cause the bone fragments to shift, compress the blood supply to your foot and you can loose it)

Look, this idiot is back. Again, if you see random bouts of screaming is just me not wanting to listen to Su She.

Ok, ok I’ve got a bone to pick here. I’ve seen some people say that Su She cracking and telling the Wens how to get in is less about him being an asshole and more about he not wanting to die. Fair enough, wanting to survive is natural. HOWEVER, my problem with this situation in particular is that, as long as he saved his own skin, he didn’t give a fuck about all the people who were going to get murdered. That’s a dick move.

And before anyone can tell me that’s not how regular people work, my building caught on fire about a year ago, my first instinct after putting my cat in his carrier by a fresh air source was to leave my flame-free flat to go check on my neighbours. I don’t know my neighbours, hell, our relationship consists on them letting their kids scream until past midnight and me blasting death metal at 6am the day after in retaliation. (They were gone for the weekend and both me and the cat were fine, thank fuck for skylights). I know it isn’t the same stakes as being held at swordpoint but, my dude, human decency is human decency.

Su She: people like LWJ look down on us outer disciples.

LWJ: *literally gets his leg broken bc he saved Su She’s life*

My one track mind: where’s the arterial spray?

Every time I seen Yunmeng disciples shooting kites I start hearing Kill Bill sirens.

Speaking of shooting kites. I don’t think JC has ever actually been jealous of WWX like sometimes I’ve seen mentioned. He clearly encourages him to best his shot in front of all the disciples knowing he’ll make it. He’s had his mother’s poison and his father’s indifference poured in his ear since he was a child, if this really was a Thor-Loki/Scar-Mufasa/Cain-Abel brother dynamic those tiny little gestures wouldn’t exist. JC could not give less of a fuck that WWX is “better” than him, it has been, however, used to hurt both of them; and that’s what pisses him off. Not that he’s compared to his brother, but that whoever is doing that comparison explicitly seeks to hurt. Also, knowing that you baby brother (I don’t care WWX is older that JC, he’s the baby in this relationship) is a prodigy, and yet he’s in such deep shit he probably won’t be able to get out, and what can you, not a prodigy, do to help him out? Nothing. That’s terrible, that’s painful and as we all know JC only emotes in anger.

SOMEONE HUG NHS PLEASE HE LOOKS SO SAD.

Oh I’m living for Peacock’s facial expressions.

Ok, listen, listen. That whole scene where WWX turns around, LWJ is looking gorgeous dressed in white, flanked by the two Wen soldiers walking down the aisle to joint the front of the queue reads too much like a Western wedding for my poor heart to not make the connection. Also, LWJ (in white) is walking towards WWX (in black) which is usually the positions and colour schemes of an heterosexual version of those weddings and as much as I say fuck gendering WangXian (ppl calling WWX mother or wife makes me homicidal) you will pry those parallels from my cold dead hands.

I can’t even make fun of the *Bichen grip* because my taciturn bb is so hurt right now.

Thanks for reading!

[betterdaysareatoenailaway]

Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect. 

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power. 

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.” 

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go. 

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. 

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like. 

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded. 

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound. 

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s  a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.” 

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up. 

“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked! 

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside. 

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs. 

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.” 

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song. 

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?” 

“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

[cinnaminsvga]

man what is like your favorite characterization in a fic for every bts member? (can be whatever pairing, mxm, y/nxm, inanimatedobjectxm, idc) i'm wondering because, your characterization of taehyung in fox rain? cheff kiss, namjoon in wish on a fish? outstanding, jungkook in the borrowing of bones? saved my life. those are literally my holy trinity. no fic ever will compare. so i'm curious about what you enjoyed.

[cont.] btw i LOVE how you portray the rest of them too, don't get me wrong, but those are like, the untoppables for me. just, they can't get better, those are The Ones, youknow?

(i had to scream a lil @ the inanimateobjectxm part.... WHEN WILL I BE FORGIVEN FOR MY SINS SAHJDHAKSJD)

i’m........ i’m guessing you’re asking what my fave characterizations i’ve done in my fics for every bangtan member? if ur asking what i like in general, then i answered that too HJASDHJASHD but gotta say... thank you for even liking jungkook in borrowing of bones LIKE... you’re a real one for even reading that ;w; i don’t think very much of that fic (even though i... literally died for it... 40k words in 48 hours really killed me) but i did like the way i characterized jungkook in that ngl...

uhhhh for yoongi, i’d have to say tlhc? not surprising to anyone ever, but i just really love that little bitch... perhaps it’s because he’s a lil bit too much like me (minus the fact that he ended up with the love of his life BUT YA KNOW... IM GONNA SPEAK IT INTO EXISTENCE FOR ME) and i think tlhc!yoongi really made me realize how rewarding it is to be vulnerable with my characters... would do again (and add even more angst flavor next time uwu) and that applies for every yoongi fic tbh... i love it when people write him as multifaceted, when they give him layers and layers of personality. he’s neither too kind or too harsh... he has motivations, aspirations... bonus points if he’s a ride or die for his friends but would rather perish than let them know he cares... I LOVE TSUNDERES OKAY IT’S MY WEAKNESS ;w;

namjoon... well, wish on a fish!namjoon has to be my fave too HSAJDHJAS i just... love juxtaposing his ingenuity with stupidity... i tend to enhance that aspect of him bc i think it’s hilarious, and there’s just something incredibly endearing about it? especially when he’s paired with another person who is clearly more level-headed but with their moments of stupidity too (mayhaps thats why i love namgi and namjin a lot lol) but umm!! i just love it when people make him this bumbling fool with too much love to give... he’s just a ball of feelings and i love it when a fic focuses on his road to understanding how to accept/lean into those emotions ;w;

SEOKJIN... y’all already know how i like to characterize him... bold, stupid, kinda insane, but with his soft moments. i love it when people make him hilarious bc he really is funny irl, though i admit i love fics where they make him incredibly tender as well. i like it when he’s kinda tsundere but not in the same way that yoongi is, more like “i care about my friends but i’m gonna be a shithead about it and you’re gonna have to pry my insanity off my dead hands before i’d EVER show you how much i actually really fucking care.” and i think the fave seokjin i’ve ever written was like... fox rain!seokjin. i know that fic lowkey diedt and you’ve only seen his chaotic side in that fic, but believe me... he’s got a fleshed out personality and i just gotta get around to writing it :^) 

gotta love tlhc hoseok in this household... sorry folks... for always making him sad... I CAN’T HELP IT... i think i’ve read only angst hoseok fics in the past two years or so... there’s just?? something so mysterious about him irl, like??? how is he so positive and kind all the time but he never really shares as much as the other members?? he and seokjin befuddle me the most i think, but i do appreciate how much they appreciate privacy. still tho... it’s morphed my tiny pea brain into wondering “what if hoseok suffered. would it not like be the sun imploding? the world would literally be in CHAOS” and i like writing heavy angst aus so there’s that :^) OH WORD also fave fic trope is when hoseok is all happy-go-lucky at the beginning of a fic but when x character gets hurt or smth, he goes full “i’ll take care of it.” and. that’s kinda hot ^q^

LOOH JUMANJI... I MISS THAT FUCKER... im sorry for letting him die I REALLY WILL FINISH THAT AU I JUST... [insert lame excuse here] BUT FOR REAL i kinda like a “darker” jimin in my fics... like, maybe even a lil unhinged? i like fics where people make him slightly bolder, maybe a little more cunning... i’m all aboard the slytherin jimin express like... there’s something so nice about making him the bad guy?? sweet lil smiley boy is actually an asshole?? but dw i’m a sucker for a good redemption arc so he’s never REALLY an asshole on purpose... i’m too much of a softie to let the bad guys stay bad without a reason

taehyung... oh TAEHYUNG... tbh i haven’t written much for tae (a disgrace... IM SORRY) so i can’t say which tae i’ve ever written that was like... my fave... but i do love it when people make him really perceptive. as you can tell by now (assuming u’ve gotten this far into the ask... congrats btw i’m a rambling FOOL), but i’m a sucker for “gap” personalities so i like it when people make him appear to be the unassuming kindhearted fool but turns out he’s really perceptive and “takes no bullshit ever” kinda vibe. love that for him. also i love when people make him an outgoing person but be clearly more attached to his closest circle of friends,,, he might always have a crowd of people around him, but bangtan really do be his family 4 lyf ya kno???

and lastly... mister jungkook... GOD i hate love him but i did enjoy writing him in borrowing of bones... but to be honest, my fave jk isnt even written out yet!! it’s fox rain!jungoo!! omg you guys... you’re gonna love that lil fucker... he’s so... [clenches fists] like WOOOOOO you will not be prepared for that lil idiot... i think i’m most “well-known” for writing him as a weeb/himbo hybrid bc it’s always the funniest and easiest style for me, but i also do love writing him as the soft n sweet idiot with too much love to give... MY GOD!! AM I!! A SUCKER!! FOR MAKING!! JUNGKOOK!! A BOY WITH TOO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE!! that’s literally my kryptonite. tbf, writing about any of the boys as lovelorn fools is always a fucking high, but jungkook in particular... oooooHHH i love it!! especially when his love isn’t returned :----))) hits you hard bc ur left asking “WHO WOULDNT LOVE HIM??? HOW DARE YOU AUTHOR” and to me, that is the best feeling in the world

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[killers-high]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO? (i mean, he’s rather liked overall but there’s not that many ppl who rp him?)

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  OH YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / KIND OF?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. --> hard to say. kinda yes, but then not that much. there are characters who sure were more relevant.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. <-- depends who you ask, heh

How strictly do you follow canon?  — In general I keep my Kenpachi close to canon, but I’m not very strict about it. I like to fill up the holes left in canon story with headcanons, and I’m open for plots that are canon-divergent as long as they simply make sense, logic-wise. I’m also willing to deviate from canon when comes to shipping -- for me it’s about chemistry and chemistry only; I have a few ships I like when comes to dynamics and such, but I wouldn’t turn down a character my Kenpachi grew to like/love only because it’s not on my ship list. Of course all the canon relationships are relevant and you can totally jump straight to the kind of interactions your character used to have with mine in the manga, but anything more than that needs to be developed first. Also, I acknowledge the relation between Kenpachi and Unohana as canon, but I see it more as a mother-child relationship; even if there’s some twisted kind of affection in it, it’s hard for me to imagine them living together as a happy little family. I know, the idea is cute, but personally I think there’s far too much bitter feelings between them so it could ever work this way.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Uh, I’m not sure what makes Kenpachi interesting for other people as a character, so I’ll just say a few words about what could make my version of Kenpachi possibly interesting to interact with, I guess. Kenpachi is a guy not only of great power, but of great experience as well. People tend to see him as a bloodthirsty berserk with all brawn and no brains, but there’s so much more to him than meets the eye -- he’s more clever than he likes to show, and while his kind of wisdom might be not so obvious and ‘classical’ kind, he has it and he uses it both in his fights and in interactions with others. Although he might make an impression that his own strength is all he cares about, it’s only partially true. Kenpachi likes to help others become stronger and watch them grow just as much as he likes to improve his own power; he hates to see wasted potential, and he often provokes or challenges people into situations that, in his opinion, will help them to discover their strength or improve as a person. He’s not a touchy-feely guy and he hardly lets it show, but he cares about the ones who are close to him and would risk own life without a second thought to protect them -- however, this other, more private and more vulnerable side of him usually stays hidden from the world, as he’s not willing to show it to anyone except those who worked hard to gain his trust.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Kenpachi is not interested in people who aren’t willing to fight -- not only literally, but also fight for themselves, for their goals, dreams, fight to overcome their weaknesses, their bad experiences, their fears. He has little patience for those who whine and do nothing to improve their life, so instead of support they get as much as disdainful look from him. He’s hardly interested in interacting with anyone who can’t offer him either a good fight or a good challenge of some other kind -- or a way to kill boredom at least -- and can be pretty unresponsive if the way other character approaches him doesn’t pick up his curiosity. On top of that, he can be a bit of a handful at times -- he gets annoyed pretty easily, tends to be restless and snappy when bored, he speaks before he thinks and since he’s pretty foulmouthed and pulls no punches he often hurts others even while it was not his intention.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  My muse himself. Kenpachi was my favorite character from the first time I’ve seen him (around 2008 or so), and when I discovered Bleach rp on tumblr (by accident while hunting for pics lmao) I decided to give it a shot.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  I don’t really need inspiration to write him. I can do it at pretty much any time given, likely because we’re similar character-wise and it takes me like zero effort to get in his skin. The only thing I need is a rough idea for some plot and BOOM here we go. Unless it’s a chat rp, then I don’t need even this.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES? / NO. <-- you tell me

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I don’t have any problem with criticism in general. If something about my character or the way I write him bothers you, feel free to tell me. I can’t promise I’m gonna care though -- Kenpachi is a very personal muse for me, and the way I portray him sometimes can differ from other portrayals or from what’s ‘canon’ simply because he shares a lot of qualities with me as his writer. Fact that you criticized my portrayal doesn’t mean I will change a single thing about it, but sure I won’t get offended or stop interacting with you only cause you said a word or two. The only criticism I never publish/respond to is shit aimed at stirring up drama, as people who write such are not worth my time.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  FUCK YEAH. Some of them really force me to think about stuff I wouldn’t have thought about otherwise, and make me discover my character anew in some places I thought I already know him ins and outs. I like all the questions, no matter the topic, and I do my best to answer them with details.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Sure I’d be curious about what their reasoning is, like, what makes them think things aren’t the way I see them? What is their headcanon on this particular topic? Do they disagree completely, or just some part of it doesn’t lie well with them?

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  Depends how they carry it out. If it’s like ‘okay i don’t think so but it’s cool, everyone can have own opinion’ it’s totally fine, i’m far too old to bang heads over such silly shit (there’s no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ portrayal btw -- everyone does it their own way and there’s nothing to whine about). If they come to my askbox solely with the purpose to pester me about it, and do it in a way that makes me question their age and/or mental health, I’m gonna block their ass out of existence.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  I don’t care and it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever notice they do unless they make effort to bring it to my inbox. In the end it’s their problem, not mine; I’m just gonna continue doing my thing while they’ll be wasting time and energy on writing shit nobody cares about.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Sure. English ain’t my native so if I write something that makes no sense just lemme know -- it’s a way to learn, too, and if you tell me there’s a chance I don’t make the same mistake again.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  Yeah, I’m pretty laidback and I don’t give a flying fuck about 99% of things that tend to raise a lot of hackles. It’s nearly impossible to offend me, and I have a lot of understanding for the fact other people have their own lives, likes, problems, ideas, families, health issues, work routines and whatnot, so I never pester anyone for replies or anything rp related. However, I’m a confirmed extrovert in this kingdom of introverts which is tumblr, so I tend to hang out on Discord/chats a lot and then think I must be a fucking pain in the rear for my more introverted friends cause I’m always the one to message them first, and it makes me want to melt into a sad pool of shame for being such a needy fucktard.

tagged by: @hirako5hinji [thank you!]

Not sure who did it already, so if you see it on your dash and wanna do it, feel tagged B]

[cryptidofthekeys]

May I present to you- the babs

Okay so let me start off by saying I legit worked on these guys ALL day yesterday, mind you a few breaks of course! even then uhh breaks... didnt do me much good... my arm hurt like a b i t c h- but im super proud- god, just, these babs are gonna be fun to write with ....eventually- not now- god no- arm machine broke- I’ll put this under a keep reading btw so it aint too much a hassle

Names: Ashton (Ashton is the Sniper), Vincent (Vincent is the Spy and he's the leader of the group), and finally Erwin (he's the Medic) | Nicknames: Ash, Vin (Ash loves to call him Vinny much to his dismay but eh he'll be fine), and Erwin doesn't really have any nicknames he cares for tbh- just call him by his name | Genders: Male | Species/Race: Androids/Robots | Heights: Ashton is 8'7", Vincent is 9'5" making him the tallest of the group, and Erwin is only 5'0" making him the shortest of our lovely little group here | Hair Colors: Ashton's hair color (not that'll ye'll see much of it, he usually keeps his hat on) but his hair color is: Hickory Brown and honestly its just super messy underneath that hat, Vincent's hair is Pitch Black and slicked back, annnd finally Erwin's hair is dyed a: Mint Green (his hair is a Messy Undercut style) | Eye Colors: Ashton's is an Icy Blue, Vincent's is Imperial Red, and Erwin has heterochromia, his eyes are a light pastel blue and a Mint Green color | Appearances: Let's start off with Ashton bc why not, first off I gotta say- despite what the normal tf2 bots look like, these babs ACTUALLY look like r e a l mercs, real people, there's only a few ways to tell their androids and that's by looking closely at their open wounds which I'll get to all their prominent wounds in a moment, first up... Ashton usually wears punk-like clothing, or something similar- he has leather jackets with TONS of spikes on them, gloves with spikes on them, pants with the chains that hang down and don't forget them sweet sweet combat boots, he also tends to wear some of those face masks, most of the ones he owns has sharp teeth patterns on it but one in particular that he owns has eyes all over it (all of them are black, his clothing is either black or just REALLY dark colors in general) However, when Vincent and them aren't doing business stuff or whatever, he usually wears again, its mostly dark clothing but he doesn't give a shit what he wears like, t-shirts, tank-tops, whatever- that's when you can PROPERLY see his wounds and this android has a TON of them, v e r y open wounds that expose tons of wiring and robotic-y insides as well, so many various parts, so many w i r e s... just o o f- oh and for all of them I'll say they ALL have facial hair, Ashton has a circle beard, Vincent has a short boxed beard, and Erwin's is REALLY just stubble to get that out of the way, ahem- anyways, Ashton actually DOES have sharp teeth, a few rows of them actually. Now... Onto big boss man Vincent, Vincent is a fancy man for sure, fitting considering he's supposed to be an android/robot of the Spy, like Ashton, he H A T E S bright colored clothing but its for different reasons aside from bright ones just being irritating to look at, it also messes with his sensors actually, he's the only one out of the group who has that problem- the other's sensors aren't bothered at all by bright clothing, anyways- Vincent usually wears dark colored suits, not just black n brown though he has MULTIPLE options, dark red, dark blue, etc- I could go on- he has a LOT of fancy clothing, even his s h o e s are fancy, oh and uh he wears the typical leather gloves and that balaclava/ski mask lookin thing ya know the usual spy attire there blah blah, he also sometimes wears fedoras or some sorta fancy hat n stuff, unlike Ashton he doesn't have rows of razor bladed teeth, his teeth are just- normal tbh but that doesn't make him any less dangerous- he has a few wounds actually, one on his back that reveals some robotic parts and has a few wires sticking out although it doesn't seem to bother him too much, a has a really large stab wound on his chest that has some wires sticking out of there as well and reveals some rather serious looking parts- this one actually bothers him a little bit but he tries his damnedest to keep it hidden. and finally... Erwin, he usually wears pastel clothing with cute designs on them long sleeved t-shirts, hoodies, sweaters, etc- even his p a n t s are pastel colors! He does try to make sure the pastels aren't TOO bright or anything, he doesn't want Vincent's sensors to malfunction nor does he want to irritate his friends! He has TONS of openings that'd reveal a BUNCH of tattered wires, its a wonder he's even still functional at this point, a lot of his parts and wires are tattered and not in a VERY good condition, but he doesn't seem to let it stop him! His voice box is a little... messed up but he's still fully intelligible, sometimes it DOES make him stutter, sometimes it cuts out completely but he always somehow finishes his sentences in the end even if he has to start over, he's self conscious about his voice box messing up sometimes and he's DEFINITELY self conscious about all the scars he has over him, its partially why he wears hoodies/sweaters the MOST out of all the other clothing, he doesn't want people to see all his tattered wires n scars! He does have four prominent canines but other than that, his teeth are relatively like a normal human's. oh and as a bonus he usually wears circle glasses, it CAN technically help improve his vision a bit more but also they look cute so he loves them shh. | Personalities: Ashton's up first, now I will say even tho their robots and technically powerhouses compared to humans ANYWAYS- he IS the true powerhouse of the group, the b r u t e- BUT he's not all brawn and no brains, he's not stupid by any means even if he can act like a punk or cold rude bitch, he has a l o t of intelligence in fact- and he uses that to his advantage for sure, he's not entirely a cold rude bitch- to his friends he's relatively well, friendly and nice- even if he does mess with them sometimes- he loves to get on Vincent's nerves the most because he finds it funny mostly, but he knows when to stop so he doesn't take things too far, Erwin... messing with him can be... difficult, he uh- its not that he CANT do it, he can! He TOTALLY can its just... listen, shut up- Spy's his fave to mess with- He absolutely hates humanity, their creators especially more so- if he ever saw em or hell humans in general when he sees em- it always takes e v e r y t h i n g in his power to hold himself back from tearing them to shreds, he wouldn't even w a n t to use a gun against them despite being based off a Sniper, he'll take them apart with his strength and teeth alone if he REALLY wants! After all, making them suffer first would bring him such joy, he's not evil, none of them REALLY are, but I'll explain that all in side facts, for now (tl;dr: Ashton gets along quite well with his friends even if he messes with Vincent a lot and gets on his nerves, in fact that's when you'll see him a bit more cheerier than he usually is, now... towards humans or whatever, he's a g g r e s s i v e- he'll strike them down then and there if Vincent gives him the command, but even if he c a n t, he'll still be cold or rude to em at the very least, terrify them a little bit even- he does NOT like humans at all whatsoever) Vincent... as I've stated, he's the leader of the group, he's DEFINITELY got the perfect personality to be a leader for sure, first off he has MAJOR confidence- he's a super confident dude, he REALLY kinda has to be- after all, his role was the leader of this little group- it was forced upon him so he decided to go along with it- they wanted him to be leader so he'll fulfill that position but if he e v e r gets a hold of them their gonna wish they hadn't e v e r done what they did, he DOES have some narcissistic tendencies but its nothing TOO major, he can be suave and gentlemanly but that part is usually just an act to trick people, he plays nice and makes them think he's trustworthy and then that's when they strike, its a m a z i n g to him how naive and so trusting humanity can be, he can't w a i t to get his hands on their creators, what a f u n day that'll be! Now he's not all big and bad, he can be nice to his friends- he does have a bit of snark and sass but its all in good fun, he mostly keeps it directed towards Ashton but sometimes he'll dish out some snark or sass towards Erwin ...he seems oblivious to that part tbh- but he... even though he doesn't show it a LOT he does care about them a lot, they've been there for him ever since the day they were first created, he absolutely loathes and despises humans- he always uses an act to just lure them to either their death OR, to a little interrogation room where he tries to find out if they know a n y t h i n g about their creator, I mean either way they do kinda die in the end so it really doesn't matter and finally Erwin, he's... a lot nicer than the other two, he doesn't hold a grudge towards his creators nor especially not to humanity, not ALL of them are as bad as Vincent and Ashton think surely... not that he'd ever tell them he doesn't hold grudges or whatever, he's worried he'd ruin their plans or worse, make them mad at him- so he pretends to hate humans when their around, he's actually helped his fair sure of humans escape from the others as well, now sure he DID try and ask a few of them about the creator, when they said they knew nothing he managed to lead them safely away without the others detecting them, now I won't say he's ALWAYS been lucky- sometimes the other two... catch him in the act and he almost had something equivalent to an a n x i e t y attack when they caught him but he played it off by telling them he saw this human wandering around and he also tried to play it off like he interrogated them and they knew nothing about the creators, but of course they uh... wanted to... "take care" of the human for him and he couldn't risk arguing against they'd suspect too much bc he's never been one for killing or whatever (despite being a version of a Medic lmao), there's been a lot of those times where he's felt so guilty for letting them take the human... They didn't know anything, they didn't even seem bad, why kill them? He knows their angry, they want revenge but something seems wrong... but, he'd n e v e r go against his friends, no matter how he feels- they've been there for him through thick and thin and he cares a LOT about them despite this (p much he's a good boy, he can get nervous/anxious sometimes, he just... wants his friends to be happy and rest easy really, he cares a lot about them despite all they do, he's deeply afraid if they find out what he's done or that he doesn't have grudges, etc- that they'll be a n g r y with HIM) | Side Facts: Alright, so... the best run down I can give is this... They didnt really wanna be created in the first place BUT they tolerated it- like ok chill, we gotta tolerate existing now- but then like they were pretty much abandoned bc they were discontinued, bc the tf2 bots look like actual robots, im making these guys more like androids as you already know im sure- closer resemblances to the actual human mercs n shit- but ANYWAYS- something happened and they didnt want to continue making androids like them so the three of them got left behind and of course were thought to be shut down but surprise surprise, their still active, their still out there and their. fucking. l i v i d- first they didnt really wanna exist in the first place, ok they could chill out bout that bc they learned to deal with it BUT- N O W their being discontinued? They dont even have a full t e a m!! its bullshit so now their a wee bit- okay no they are absolutely fucking livid at the creators and humanity in general- except, as you know- Erwin can't hold grudges or anything- he doesnt think ALL humans are bad or at least he hopes their not, but either way- Vincent and Ashton p much feel hatred n coldness towards the creators and humanity. | AU: So a best bud of mine suggested since I had like t w o really good ideas for these lads and couldnt use both of them bc it'd like conflict with many things, to make an AU outta the second idea- I- honestly gotta thank em for fuckin reminding me that AUs are a t h i n g that e x i s t s- but anyways, this AU is basically where Ashton, Vincent, and Erwin died and the respawn, sorta... well broke for em, dont know why or how but it just did, so they died for reals and just... their souls wandered the earth for a bit until they found the bodies of these robots and decided to possess them p much, and now since they died for real- they REALLY wanna return the favor to the ones who killed em (of course, not gonna tell who that was e x a c t l y not yet anyways), I will say their personalities will probably differ from canon a LITTLE bit in this regard, like their still- well in this AU their MORE vengeful than they could EVER be in canonverse- even Erwin in this AU is vengeful, only towards those who did em wrong of course. and with a conversation I had with my partner, there was more expansion that happened, essentially- it was questions of the teammates and what'd happen there (thank you darling, I appreciate this bc this just gave the AU more expansion that I really wasnt just thinking bout on my own), bc if they didnt go back to their teammates they'd be without the supports and ahem, the medic- but anyways, if they did wwweeeellll... their team wouldn't EXACTLY recognize it as them, to them its just potential enemy bots that they need to dispose of orrr at least run off, and that's what they'd definitely do at first, now I will say, there's the chance oh Idk, Erwin interacts with the Heavy (listen... I dont have canon names for this team... im- im too tired to figure it out rn for all the team sdjkajdj they will have to wait for awhile) but Erwin and the Heavy were VERY good close friends, and Erwin could show him that, he's... well, his best bud- they ALL had certain things they used to do or say to their teammates- and ya know if Erwin proved that to Heavy- he'd- well, a lotta emotions would be running wild in that case, of course im getting a head of myself- I should have clarified, bc the team k n o w s the others died and weren't respawning which of course they absolutely tried to deny- they'd be back soon ....yeeaahh they werent, and like now they do find it suspicious these three bots showed up that are designed like the supports but they'd never go that far to say its their dead teammates possessing these... robots, that's a little far-fetched for them. So unless Erwin goes and tries to convince his best friend, who knows what'll happen- oh and I'll also say, aside from the personalities- the actual human versions of Ashton, Vincent, and Erwin would look a LITTLE different- they still wear the same clothes n have similar features, they have scars but those don't reveal tattered wires since their humans you know, and their eye colors- Ashton's eyes are Cobalt Blue, Erwin's eyes are baby blue, and Vincent's eyes are a Caramel Brown, they also don't have those sharp teeth or fangs- oh and their heights are different, Ashton is 6'4", Vincent is 6'8", annnd Erwin- eh he's the same height the bots of course, still retain the same look as in canonverse however so try not to get too confused by different appearances!

[miyukitsubaki]

Why is Miyuki Kazuya so great💜 Masterpost~

*For starters, we can safely say that he is one of the best captains in sports anime history. Don’t we all agree on that?

-Recorded one of the most (if not the best) profound and thorough character development of the series. He was a snarky, full of himself and arrogant little first year when we firstly laid eyes upon him (bless that particular face btw) and gradually evolved by being in contact with his old and new teammates, building himself, nurturing his own knowledge and vision while he stood firmly by his pitchers' side, assissting and helping them as well in their own development.

-An adorable, dorky, awesome, self-sacrificing, twisted, sarcastic, a little bit egoist and immensely kind genius that doesn't let other people's judgments and mean glares rule his life, follows his path with his head held high, without losing sight of his objectives and sends flying all of his troubles with a smile and a swing of his bat.

- One hell of a hard worker, I'm sure he was training just as hard as his pitchers and from everybody’s eyes, maybe even harder than them, but doesn’t like to show it openly. Always prompt to irony, faithful adept of the “Me? Using sarcasm as a defence mechanism? Naaah”, gay for Kuramochi but everyone knows it, soft spot for his pitchers, able to show adaptation in every situations, hardly feels fear and is always daring, his playstyle being described as very agressive.

-Had no choice but to grow up on the spot, following their fated defeat against Inashiro. Accepted the pain and the regret in the short span of one night (in which he probably didn't sleep much) and used his bitter frustration into a plateforme from which he propelled himself and took the reins of this team in his own hands.

-A lot of meaningful character development for him at the beginning of season two, among the chaotic confusion that was the reorganization of the team, with a lot of characters who themselves evolved. Let's not forget that he genuinely lost his confidence a couple of times, especially when he got into this argument with Zono about Nabe. He literally painfully learnt from his errors in the spot and, regretting some of his words, apologized to Nabe from the field.Which was absolutely cute as Nabe knew how much it meant for Miyuki.

- A lonely child, who probably lost his mother and had to educate himself almost on his own. Getting his ability of learning quick from that, always had to fend for himelf as well as to tend to his wounds... I mean, go and try to find a bravest kid than him, he is also so relatable and an example for all the children who had to get through this kind of hard moment in their lives. And despite of all this shit, his huge grin wasn’t budging from his face, even if he was feeling down inside he didn’t show it on his angel face, stood up and move forward, purely motivated by the love of the sport (”I don’t care about everything if baseball is fun!” episode 46). Fate awarded him by making him meet wonderful teammates an rivals.

- Found the best bro he could have hoped to have in the person of Kuramochi Yoichi (They’re soulmates, fight me rn). They just fit perfectly together and won’t have it any other way. (If those two don’t go in the same university or pro team, I’m gonna lose it). Kuramochi’s the one for him.

-Had the courage to go out of his comfort zone and talk about his captain insecurities (which is something he wouldn’t have considered to do in middle school) to one of his mentors, nonetheless being a very proud person who hates showing his weaknesses. And offered us one of his most pure and emotional face.

- Did an immense effort on himself by hiding his pulled muscle from everyone, and showed again his incredible iron will.

As Mochi so perfecty said it, it was a mix of ego as talented and key-player and sense of responsibility as the captain, but also the catcher of his team since his first year. I had so many feels it hurts during the couple last episodes (and so did all of you don’t lie;)) but it really pulled some sensible strings in my heart because this boy...*sighs from fondness* ...is just a plain closet tsundere as he finally lets us hear the voice of his heart in episode 50 of the second season. When he laughs that very specific voice, and that everyone just looks at him and he thinks: “ I don’t want to give up such a fun position to anyone! I’m not suited to be a captain, am I?”. Knowing perfectly that he won’t be giving up this position either. Everything about this scene was perfect; from the movement of his bangs under his helmet, his arms widely expanded to his teammates as he was welcoming them for the first time, face stuck between exhaustion, pain, euphory and pleasure of playing here and his favorite position.

-I think there is not a single trait of his personality that id don’t absolutely love, because he is a perfect representation of what’s good and fragile in the human nature and can be considered as the archetype of what human beings can draw from their hardest time, as long as they don’t give up and keep on rising  themselves up, struggle, struggle, and struggle again to get their hands on what they deeply want. Be strong physically and mentally. This golden boy is the definition of harduous determination, the embodiment of honed and overflowing talent and wits, the perfect marriage between a genius and a hardworker (reminds me of Shin Seijuro from Eyeshield 21 in that respect), but who possesses a underlying fragility and a strong sense of responsibility growing each day. Special mention in the final scene (which made my fangirl kokoro go aazertyuisdiojezfyuysqhi) when Kura and Zono got him to the taxi on the way to the hospital, the pain got his tongue loose and he let out his most buried anxiety, his fear of not being able to fit the position of captain, the I’m not good to be a captain having a completely different tone from the euphoric one he had used at the end of the 50th episode. Exhaustingly proposing his position to his vice-captains, telling them to taste what it’s like (”It’s haaaaard”).

-Never takes for granted what surrounds him, as he is used to fight for what he wants and probably still thinks the number he is proudly bearing is not fully his own, constantly having the image of Chris in head. Having a goal on an individual level is what motivates him the most I think. “I have a feeling I will never win against this person”.

-Another special mention at the end of the first season, when they played against the retired upperclassmen.

He told Furuya to stop thinkng about his pace or rhythm and to give it his full power. Surely, at this moment he also had an epiphany as he realized that the only way for them to cut through their problems of coordination and lack of power was to do like always; train hard again from the start and everything woud click in place. Their trainings didn’t betrayed them, and the upperclassmen showed them that amazingly. “Let’s shut down the senpais by force!”: his carefree tone of the moment was in perfect contrast with the seriousness his words dripped of afterwards: “If we win the fall tournament, we’re secured to go to Koushien.” And he was one hundred percent aware of the weight and meaning of his words. And they managed to did it.

There is to much things to develop and say and fangirl about this perfect guy but I thin that I got pretty well resumed here! My gift on this special day in our hearts, and have a nice evening! 💜 Happy birthday Kazuya~

[amalgamezz]

Submission by Anonymous

(I tend to leave all submissions on Anon for the sake of the sender’s privacy unless they state otherwise, but if you don’t mind being outed, please let me know.)

Hellooo

I only started following you today and I instantly love this blog so much? What sorcery did you use? 😂 Seriously though, reading your posts made me go through a wave of emotions.

I used to run a Jumin blog so I feel a strong connection to this blog, it just made me so happy today that I discovered it. I was kind of defensive of Jumin back then, so I might’ve said some stupid things which might’ve be seen as aggressive to non-Jumin fans (not my finest moment), but I do acknowledge his flaws, and that’s why I really love your assessment of his character. I think you do a better job at spreading positivity and fun towards Jumin in the fandom than I did 😂😘

Anyways, I wrote this because I have a particular memory from the past which I find interesting. One of the things I have in common with you is how I feel about DJHIG meme (I’m so glad Cheritz cleared that up btw). I used to be salty and ranted about it a lot, sometimes using sarcasm or satire. I didn’t call them out for being homophobic, because I think that’s a strong word and didn’t really want to use it, I just said it was inappropriate and unfunny. But guess what? I was the one that was called homophobic for being pissed off. I find this amusing because from your rant tags, I conclude that usually the responses are “it’s not homophobic” or “we’re just having fun”

So, back on track, after seeing my rant about the meme, one of the meme lovers private messaged me. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but pretty much she was berating me, accused that I only get pissed off because I would hate Jumin if he was gay/if Jumin’s character was associated with gayness and that made me homophobic. I was just like : ?? Where.did.that.logic.come.from?? She also said that if Jumin was canonically gay, and the meme was Does Jumin Han is Straight, I would be fine with it. At that point, I started wondering what planet she came from, as she clearly missed the whole point of the rant. After that, I re-explained to her what I meant, but she was probably still upset, so I got blocked.

I just thought that the whole thing was peculiar, and I’m kinda curious of your thoughts, so that’s why I shared it with you haha

Btw, I think you’re a nice person, at least from what I’ve seen so far. I’m glad that you’re serious enough to look at real life issues that might have an association with a piece of fiction, but not being hypersensitive. Because, well, many people nowadays scream “misogyny”, “abuse”, “rape”, and other bad terms without exactly logically analyzing the situation or even understand the meanings of those terms. I take a strong stance on claims having to have evidence before it gets thrown out. I’m not saying you’re always right, but I’m glad that you are willing to see things from both sides of an argument. (Even if the subject here is mostly from a piece of fiction, it’s still admirable)

You remind me of my older sister, I miss her 😊 I’m an awkward person so sorry if this submission got cheesy and weird real quick, I don’t really know how to start conversations hahah, I just ramble on and on about what’s on my mind

Have a good day, m'lady 💕

Welcome, dear one. Please take a sit and stay as calm as you can. We have bad news for you.

Warning: Looong post, DJHIG (yes, I’ve made it a TW now), Me trying not to be salty (trust me; I tried)

We suspect that you are under the effect of an unnaturally dark and deathly powerful spell, which we, unfortunately, have yet discovered the cure or identified the source. However, it has been scientifically proven by our headmaster Han that every reblog, like or comment that you make on this blog will significantly delay-- who am I kidding? I’m not gonna do this lol

Ahem, joking aside.

Hello there~ Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad to hear that you enjoy reading my blog ^^

At first, I'd like to make a confession. MM is the very first fandom I’ve ever so deeply invested that I even made a Tumblr account for it. If you told the three-month-ago me that I’d have a discourse over a fictional character, I’d thought it was a joke lol. Originally, this blog was not even supposed to be about Jumin. Well, tbh, it was more like a small personal corner where I threw shade and I threw a lot at the game’s plot holes and, occasionally, the fandom’s issues while lowkey surfing for high-quality smuts. I honestly have no idea how it had come to this, but apparently, I’ve already fallen so deep and there is no turning back now lol

Also, thank you for trusting me to be a nice person despite the quite dubious morals of mine. May I make another confession? When I first approached Jumin (or any other characters), I viewed him more of a character I’m interested in analyzing rather than the one I gonna romance with. I never thought I’d fallen for him to begin with; it just sorts of happened in the process, haha. Anyway, the flawed Jumin is the one that I already love, not the idea of him; so there are no reasons for me to go around, making excuses for his shitty behaviors as if he was perfect or innocent. I don’t do that; I don’t just have to; not to mention how counterproductive it would be. I enjoy seeing all sides of an argument because you’re right, I know I’m not always right, and I’d be happy to be proven wrong. I love (civilly) debating over stuff since it’s fun; it’s stimulating; it’s an INTP curse. But... when people purposely twist him into something he isn’t, I'd start getting a little bit salty, which sometimes may come off too aggressive to others. Admittedly, the last discourse happened due to my insensitiveness. My point would still stand, but I also learned that I should choose a more considerate approach and (try to) be less salty from now on.

Well, maybe except for the next topic...

DJHIG. God, I will never run out of salt for this one. If you guys are ever curious about where this amount of salt even comes from, this post is currently my favorite salt mine. Gotta love those not-so-homophobic comments/reblogs.

The reasons that I hate this shitty meme, or anything equivalent to it with a burning passion:

1. It erases aromanticism/asexuality by assuming one’s romantic/sexual orientation based on their lack of interests in dating/frick-fracking, and as an aroace myself, I am offended. It is a personal attack on my own identity; and guess what, people still goes “Let us have our fun.” I could go on and on with this, but heh, given how the current society treats us, I can’t even bother anymore at this point.

2. It IS homophobic. There is no other way round to put it. Even if Jumin Han WAS gay, it would be homophobic. Why, you ask? You are using his sexuality as a punchline. You are pointing and laughing at him because you are thinking haha HE.IS.GAY, because you find being gay is something funny to you. Now, tell me, how is that not homophobic? Please don’t even get me started on those who think they cannot be homophobic because they have gay ships (my head hurts already; apparently, being too salty will make you dehydrated). It doesn’t matter whom this meme is about, or what their sexual orientation is. If Seven is bisexual and ‘Does Seven is Bi?’ happens, it is biphobic. FGS, just don’t degrade other people’s sexuality into a joke just for you to laugh at. And, please, don’t make assumptions about it either because it is wise to acknowledge that they probably know their own business better than you.

3. It is commonly used in the case in which Jumin is usually being oversexualized, which means you guys are very close to associating a pure gay relationship with a fetishized one. Do I even need to explain how screwed up this is? This is not shipping, guys.

...Anyway, my apologies if this is getting too long. I... got carried away. You are so kind for thinking such highly of me; thank you for sending me such a sweet message ^^ Please don’t feel pressured if you ever wanna come for a chat. I honestly would befriend with anyone who is willing to endure my nonsense lol

I hope you have a good day, Nonny :”)

[survivorelara]

Episode #6: “"NOT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE" - Big Z

Even though I misplayed my idol, I cannot believe that my incessant need for wanting Toby gone actually fucking worked. Like. I will be taking the credit for this one because I just fed it to my peoples and had Loris know about it and just controlled his emotional vulnerability. I would have been good without having the idol either... so wig- I fucked up on that end but WOWZA it feels good to actually lead a vote, see the vote go the way you want, and have my target argue with someone who HE thinks started this revolution. Hehehehhehee

bruh im getting major Byzantium teas right now... where my og tribe gets decimated and only two of us actually make it to the merge. right now theres only 3 of us left and just like then if only 2 of us make merge we're gonna start off as swing votes, then everyone will target us.  please don't let that happen Byzantium wasn't my greatest org experience

LMAO SO DANI THINKS WE ARE DEAD TO HER BECAUSE WE BLINDSIDED HER AT THE LOUISE VOTE? poor girl. you're playing a vivor org, get over yourself. you better pray to GOD we don't lose or that you have an idol... because your ass is done otherwise. one way or another, like I said before, only 2 zosma's max are making merge lmao…

In the middle of the challenge, so this confessional will have to be brief. I can definitely WIN this challenge, but I do question if that's the best for my game. The other tribe had a unanimous 6-1 vote, so now it's an even 3-3 split over there.

If we win, it's possible that either they'll go to rocks, or one of the Revati's will flip to save themselves? (Because it's unlikely the Auva are dumb enough to flip on one-another since that'd give us majority in the merge.)

However our tribe is currently a 3-2-2 split, and while I don't THINK the two sets of two are working together, I can't eliminate the possibility that they'd gang up on us to eliminate one of us and evening the numbers for the merge.

It's difficult to say where this whole tribe will end up shaking down, but I'm hoping to avoid Tribal if I can help it. The less Tribal Councils I go to, the more options I have going into merge because I won't have necessarily hurt any feelings by voting a particular way.

Well, I crushed the challenge, scoring all 5 points on my tribe, everyone was talking about how I carried them... which already has me worried given my history of being labelled a challenge beast after only having one good challenge.

But at the very least no tribal, I'm curious if we'll be merging at 12 or if it'll be some other number. Guess I'll know soon enough, but it's nice to have a break for a bit, and I think I'm doing pretty well on bonding with others so as to better my position.

Dylan still never talks to me. So ideally he'll be gone soonish, either by us losing the next challenge or him serving as an early merge boot. But even if he sticks around I doubt it'll be a major problem.

MY HOPE, for the other tribe is to send home Drew or Roxy (preferably Drew since I know Roxy and can work with that I think), to split up that Power-Pair as Drew was a fool for spoiling that. I don't really care who goes so long as the Revati's stay, and if we DO lose

Now if I could just find a damn idol... or SOMETHING.

HELLO LITTLE MIX AND NICKI ARE COLLABING I REPREARJT  HHHHHH THEYRE COLLABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack Lawrence is so nice and so pretty. I would die for Jack. I would cry for Jsck. I will climb a mountain- and I hate walking. oh thats climbing I hate that too. Jack is nice Jack is kind. I shit on the Jack haters. He is just perfect. He could do nothing and still be thebest non-lead host. (Ya AJ shuttup) Anna Jane is PERFECTION. Erik is cutie she is cutie and I love AJ n Erik. She is hot and if I was gay i'd fuck. She is good listener and perfect and beautiful andeveryone get u a friend like AJ bc she is a BIG ASS MOOD in my life like stop being so perfect thanks

Sometimes I get confused about which day we’re on, so hopefully it’s day 14 lmao. The other tribe snatched Toby & I’m not surprised. Auva didn’t just make a mistake that will hinder themselves, but it will also affect what’s left of og Zosma. The Auvacados could’ve worked with Toby to start taking down Revati, but it would seem that they’re still out for vengeance. Toby was setup to be in a swing position, of course he’s gonna feel out both sides before choosing one. Now Auva is split with 3 on each side & I don’t see any of them flipping, unless og Auva is gullible again. Drew T. didn’t trust Revati either because he wasted an idol on himself even though Toby voted in favor of him. Flops.

Kori is legitimately a godsend. He c a r r i e d Revati in the challenge by scoring all 5 points that we needed to win. He says that he focused hard & waited for the messages to pop up which mind you were separated by intervals of several minutes in the span of 4 hours. Kori is a very humble dude & tries to downplay his capabilities, but he’s the GOAT. Maybe even the shield I needed. :O

I’m not too worried about Dani at this point in time. If Revati happens to lose then she would probably be the easiest to turn people against. Everyone participated in the music video challenge while she was the only one that did not, and she has a habit of sitting out. Sam told me that she hasn’t talked to him since the day we blindsided Louise & I’ve gotten the same treatment. Since I’m “dead to her”, I think that making a move against Dani pre-merge would benefit me in the long run. This would also change everyone’s perception of Sam and I to being non-threatening come merge as we don’t have the number

tea time sisters! toby was a king but was a threat and I have to see the benefits in him going. this tribal is going to be eventful I think... because I think I’m getting votes because roxy seems to really want me gone??? but i have a plan that I think will work :))))) I tell John to vote out drew t or roxy and I say that I know he doesn’t really want to vote out drew h so I’ll settle and sacrifice for drew t. if he’s fine with voting roxy then I tell him that I think I can get drew t to vote her too, and then we can vote him out next, when in reality we’ll vote out drew h next. if he wants to vote drew t now then I tell him me and z will do it too when hopefully z will vote out roxy with me and drew t instead because roxy is trying to get one of us out. ezpz . In fact we could even vote drew h. it’s all tea. I really hope z and John are loyal to me, I think z will be, and I think I can just play with me saying I trust you to John over and over. cute!!!! I stay winning... I can’t believe that I .. actually have a plan... that’s t it’s so easy idk why I couldn’t do this before my mind is just so powerful now? also auva idol is GONE and that’s fantastic and also I got legacy bitches!!!! only 7 more bitches need to go then I can use it :)

Soooooo half of this tribe is just completely inactive during the most important hours of this game prior to tribal. It’s SO FRUSTRATING because even if I want to make some sort of strategy with them it’ll take them at least 2-3 hours to reply to me. I cannot do this for too long. The other issue is that people are sooooo hesitant to throw names out, and when you do throw a name out literally EVERYONE hears that you started it and it gets turned on you. That happened to me when I said John’s name once to Roxy last tribal. I worry it’s about to happen to Loris suggesting Roxy too. We’ll see how it plays out, if I end up dying I’ll at least go on an active note rather than an inactive one.

THERE ARE TWO HOURS UNTIL TRIBAL AND LORIS IS THE ONLY ONE HERE

Whew another tribal and everyone is like absent again!? Wow we love productivity! Trademarked by the Celestial ORG! Please, come buy some productivity!

I hope we merge soon. My goal is to make it to merge without going to tribal. Idk how my tribe would pan out, we got a few inactive asf people. I dont have an idol but I really want one . tbh I'm so glad I took my break bc I'm not focused on winning im just focused on enjoying myself and my game while it lasts and I feel like its significantly improved my game.

Okay so Loris isn't talking to me but he's talking to other people so I'm being TOLD they're going for Roxy but I don't really believe it, I think if an idol is played, I'm dying courtesy of him and Z. Just gotta keep the faith in my people tbh

We doin big z vut doing loris kihhtve been better cause of her connections vut my nothing much I can do. I dint Rlly like the mrtge we r hesding into we r hella in minority

sometimes i forget im playing a org because all we do is win oh i got an idol btw hihihi

Honestly I am happy Toby went. HE WAS A BITCH! He wanted me out the the first round. Now to get Sam and Ciere out next. Expect Tea motherfuckers. Anyways, literally I have not talked a lot. I have gotten to know Kori. He is a shady fuck, I know that from past experience but I need him. I talked to Emma or Emmy or whatever the fuck her name is too. She seems really sweet.

ok so I think me and Ci'ere are bonding, which wow I never imagined that I would have a social game. I still haven't messaged Dani or Kori which is something I should do. The fact that they haven't messaged me, coupled with the fact that I'm alone on this tribe cements the fact that I am the obvious vote. Brb let me try to make connections.

SO we lost again, and my broken phone prevented me from participating in the challenge. Looking at this based on the challenge I should be leaving, buuuut I am going to be voting big Z out tonight, and because the auvas don't want rocks, they are going to do what I want. I have wanted this guy out from a game standpoint from the very beginning, but once you throw my name out there it's very hard to get back on my good side. Loris is going to be annoyed with me I am sure, he was trying to manipulate the situation between us but I could see right through the whole thing. I had a call with Roxy and she made an alliance with us and the two drews. She seemed to be worried that I would want to stick with loris and Z but I knew immediately what I wanted to do. I am really hoping that a merge will happen next, and that this move will not deeply affect me right away.

Big Z is voted out 4-2.