#btw PLEASE be aware that she was NOT bi or anything else

[inkskinned]

she had taken all of the pronouns in my poems and turned them masculine. every she was he. every her was him. i wrote about women dipping their hands into the honey of my chest and she had changed it in this stark, violent way. men now, in my work. in my ribs, i guess. how odd, to stare at it.

i write a lot about worshipping at the knees of my girl. what sapphic can resist the allure of chapel-talk, the divine nature of what is ours and ours alone. her hair in your shower. her chapstick melting in your car. when we say holy here, it is a different meaning. it is the smithing of our own haloes from mix-tape cds. no hammer to the anvil - only our own palms, skin scorching. forging every astral ray with the prayer please don't leave. our bible a history that is never taught in high school. we shape a church from the tent of her arched back. what other word for hymn but her voice. her moaning.

a poem can be stripped of its component parts, maybe, but can it still breathe? is it still the same ship? the words this woman changed, biting and spiraling up at me: my man is holy. i worship at his feet. he is the divinity of saturdays and the wheat of my communion and he is the hushed summer's glorious release.

it's common knowledge that you can say a word too-many times, and then it loses meaning. but here was something new: it wasn't that the words had lost meaning, but rather that they had shifted in the air somehow and turned radioactive to me. all of my words were otherwise unchanged, except for the unkind and glowing eye of him.

ivory-tower glowing in my aorta, i thought about talking to her on the sanctimonious and erudite level. telling her: a poem can be changed, can be erased or added to or demolished or reconfigured; but we do try to respect the original author. i would tell her i would have preferred her not change only the pronouns; that her actions felt like censorship rather than collaboration.

in front of me: you cannot cut him out of me, i was made to love him. no scrubbing, no penance. i will always come back to this house, come back to loving men.

i thought about telling her why her actions were cannibalism, not care. i would tell her about being 18 and pressured by my catholic family to accept a man as a partner; how i'd dated him for 5 years before being able to escape. how abusive he had been. how he had made me kneel in front of him - that i wasn't using the word worship idly, but rather as a reclamation. how i had to be re-taught even the concept of faith. how when i learned peace again, it was by the hand of a woman.

i thought about telling her about the wound behind it, the unceasing loneliness. i thought about telling her shape of the small and quiet hours; the fear; the endless and unpretty nature of just being queer. i thought about saying: all of my work comes from a place of pain.

i thought about telling her everything. when i finally found the words, it was only one: why? in that was the summary of all i felt: why not write her own poem? why change it so violently? and why choose my work, if she disliked it so much? why me?

i imagine she shrugged when she responded. all i got was a single sentence: "i really like your work but i want to be able to enjoy it without being made uncomfortable."

on her insta, her pinned post is of her boyfriend - now husband - proposing. they were married in 2023. congratulations. i really do hope she's happy.

i hope one day it stops hurting.

[my-castles-crumbling]

sorry to bother but omg i just have to rant about this because it sucks

I just moved to a new school (like new country so I don't know anyone or anything) and there's this kid and from what I heard from other people (i never got to talk to them so idk preferred pronouns or anything so i'm gonna just use them) their trans.

and it sucks bc the entire grade (like including the group that i've been hanging out with) made fun of them. Like on girl called them "the girlboy" and like people made fun of them for using the boys bathrooms. I heard last week that they left the school because so many people were making fun of them and that's just horrible right? like what the fuck is wrong with people.

And now I (who has been questioning my gender for like 2 fucking years and thought this year would be a new start) can't experiment with my pronouns. because everybody here is shitty. I was the one who sent in the ask about the 3 guys being absolutley shocked that I was gay btw. I didn't say it in the last ask because it happened a few days after but I was talking to this girl who's in a different grade. we're friends from a club we both do. anyway i was talking to her before the class i had with the 3 guys and I walk to where they are bc one of my friends is there and we were all waiting for the teacher and he was like

"she's so weird, the girl you were talking to"

and i realised that i think they associate queer with weird if that makes sense. like the person i was talking to looks queer (and they are) and I think that's why he thinks she's weird because he has literally never had a conversation with her once in his life. so i think the reason they didn't think i was gay is because i don't look "weird" to them.

anyway it just sucks because when i was first moving here i hoped i could have a friendgroup that i could be more open about experiementing my gender with? if that makes sense? at my old school i was really open about being gay but my friends were a bit weird about that so i never told them. I have one friend tho and she' honestly my favorite person can i rant about her for a second? i'm going to anyway

She has tumblr too and when i first told her about it was around the same time she convinced me to get tumblr so she wanted to tall people to look for my account and i just had 1 conversation with her about how i was questioning stuff and it was a while before that and she asked me like "hey is she ok for the post i was gonna make or qould you prefer he or they? or something else?" and i was like "would they be ok?" and she was like "ofc" that was the first time that anyone's used they/them for me actually

and this might be bc she's bi but she was my only friend there who wasn't weird about me being gay. even before she started identifying as bi. like most of my friends would make off hand comments and tell everyone they knew i was gay and she was just chill. she laughed at my jokes (and now makes jokes with me).

she's also just like literally the best person ever like the first day of my new school i couldn't find my class and i was about to cry bc i was so overwhelmed and i texted her and she made me laugh and helped me calm down and gave me ideas of what to do and helped me find my class even tho she wasn't even in the same fucking country

all this to say people at my school are dicks and i miss my friend and i can't try out new pronouns in person bc people at my school are dicks

Thank you so much for reading (if you did) sorry for ranting

Hi!

Please don't apologize for ranting, I completely understand why you're upset. I'm glad you at least have one friend who is great (I wish she was at your school)! Does your school have a Gay-Straight Alliance or anything you could go to, to see if there are other people who are queer that you might not be aware of?

Naming you convinced anon!

[peakypeakiiii]

''おやすみ, おやすみ。''

hey heyyyyyyy hiiiiiii againnnnnnnnnn!!! This post would be mostly about like me obv and what type of fandoms i'll write for and stuff :33

01 ; THE INTRODUCTION

Hellooo heyyy haiiiii !!!! My name is ENVIEE ! or just envy, i also don't mind being called Dari or Idari!!!

I go by she/him or just she/her, i'm hyperace and bi(w female preference) !!!!

i REALLY REALLY like HERO. HERO just so silly he just like me fr (i'm in denial that his actual name is Henry please no)

I wont be as active on Tumblr, but i will on discord! I have two accounts, herokisser and cutepawzz !!!

IM VERY VERY ENERGETIC OR SMTH SO PLEASE IF YOU EVER DM ME OR SOMETHING BE AWARE OF THAT ... </3

anyways my interests are omori, pjsk, danganronpa, Total drama, Life is strange, bandori, TADC, Murder drones and bungo stray dogs :33

(IM A MINOR!!!)

oh yeah and i'm also an artist..

also dating my love maimai(amia);333

THAT'S ABOUT IT!!!

02 ; ABOUT THE BLOG ITSELF !

Fandoms i will write for ; Omori, pjsk, (maybe fnaf..JUST MAYBE...), Total Drama, Bandori, and Bungou stray dogs !

I will write ; Fluff, Angst(not very good at it so bare with me..), and anything wholesome in general

I will NOT write ; NSFW/Smut(again, i'm a minor and i'm not really comfortable with writting about that...) Incest, Adult x child (If plantonic, then i'll probably write it, just not romantic), CHRIS MCLEAN. SH, SA and more of those topics. (i'll only do them if it's only like...implied...nothing else.) oh and Yandere's. I am not writing that aswell.

I'm currently working on a masterlist after this, and then a request post as well, and then i'll add them here as well!!

(btw you can request something from a fandom that is not mentioned here, but it's unlikely i'd write for it. Only if i want to lmao im sorry pook)

BYEBYEEE!!! <3 take care pookie remember to drink water and get rest and just live please ily

[queerbrujas]

so you said you could write an essay about n's bisxuality, could you expand further on that 😳 btw i absolutely enjoy your "ramblings" and every thought you put out on your blog is so well-articulated and thought out ♡ please ramble anytime

Oh anon, bless you for this, I was highkey hoping someone would ask, lol (and thank you so much for the sweet words! you are wonderful and please accept all my love).

I’m gonna bring up one of my fics a little bit here, not to be self-centered but just because these are, once again, definitely things I’m trying to touch on with them. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic and just generally about N’s relationship history. And I do apologize in advance because this will end up a rambling mess, lmao. Under a cut because it got long:

This fandom is obviously heavy on the female player base, so most of what gets explored and written about and depicted is M/F pairings with m!UB and F/F pairings with f!UB. I’m definitely part of this trend too, because all my detectives are women. So, because we tend to see the same type of content (and to everyone who is creating M/M, NB/M, and NB/F content: you are all a wonderful and valuable voice in this fandom), remembering that these characters are bisexual (pan in M’s case) seems pretty important to me, as well as just a really interesting thing to explore in general.

And N in particular is such a fascinating character for this because unlike any of the others, they’ve been actively having romantic relationships for the past 300 years. A hasn’t been involved in any (at least since turning), F has only been in our world for 7 years so they've only encountered modern values, and M only has sex (which is its own issue). But N has been navigating dating and relationships for three centuries and this includes changing attitudes towards, well, everything. Gender and sexuality being one of those things. And I think we can safely assume the relationships they’ve had have been with people of different genders.

And yeah, most supernaturals are bi, the Agency has probably always been fairly open about these things because they have a different mindset from humans, etc., etc. But historical context is still a thing, and I think it’s interesting to explore it. (This is why I said that these thoughts 100% extend beyond canon, because I don’t think it’s something that will or even necessarily needs to be explored in-game, I just have a lot of feelings).

So, one of my WIPs involves Nat having a relationship with a human woman in the 1940s. This is obviously very different from Nate having a relationship with a human woman in the 1940s. There are codes that need to be navigated and things that need to be implied instead of said outright and so on. But then, it’s not only relationships with women that they’ve had, is it?

So how does Nate pursue a relationship with a man in, say, 1850? It would be very different from how he'd have approached a relationship with a woman in the same time period. How does Nat pursue a relationship with a man in 1850, knowing as we do that N has always been the pursuer in relationships, the one to make the romantic gestures? That's a very interesting dynamic flip to have, and something I’d love to see. I see N as being someone who is very aware of societal codes and absolutely not above using them in their favor if there’s something they want/someone they're interested in and want to charm—all that subtle gauging of interest and tentative comments that we see with the detective just fit into this.

Tangentially related sidenote here: one of the reasons I, and I think many others, love Nate (and love the idea of having Nate and Ava in the same universe) are the typically quote unquote 'feminine' traits that he has, a male character who is nurturing and gentle and open about his feelings. Many words have been written on this so I won’t repeat what others have said. But it wasn't until I started writing Nat in a historical context that I realized she's also quite subversive in her own way, with her confidence and the way she’s presented in general (another bit I bring up in my fic, in one of the snippets I've posted—whiskey was a man's drink, for a very long time, so Nat drinking it becomes noteworthy in a way it just wouldn't be for Nate).

So basically, because this has been more questions than anything else, we have a character who's been navigating romantic relationships for 300 years as a bisexual man/woman (of color, no less) and that really just makes me go even more heart eyes for N.

[jesse-mills]

Convenience Store AU

Quick summary: Jesse dies on the beach and wakes up in a convenience store back near Crestwood. A dimension in which Jesse has sick new tattoos, the OA looks like an actual goddamn angel, French is a nerd ass loser who's been pining for Jesse for like 2 years, and everyone gets to be happy.

[[MORE]]

(apologies for awful formatting, this was so fucking long that I got tired of trying to make it read perfectly.)

ok so after Jesse dies it's just. dark for a long ass time right? but he wakes up to blinding light and it takes a moment for his eyes to focus. his first thought is "is heaven a 7/11?" and his second thought is "OH SHIT OA?!?!?" She found him passed out in the middle of the store aisle when she came in from the back room and after a very confused minute of conversation they realize that oh shit, it's the real OG them from the Crestwood dimension. so OA basically hires Jesse on the spot and Jesse has to help her get Hap (the manager, he's suppressed in this body but still a jackass of monumental proportions) kicked out and sent somewhere else. They do succeed after a few weeks (aka they get everyone to file complaints about him until he's relocated to somewhere out of state).

Jesse, however, has a Hell Of A Lot of new things to adjust to, the first of which being that What The Fuck, he looked in the mirror and he has fucking moving tattoos that Definitely weren't there before!! Turns out this dimension has such a thin membrane between it and the invisible river of the Between, weird ass shit tends to happen around people who have travelled through worlds. Jesse soon finds out that he isn't the only one with weird shit happening to him: the angels from the lab, especially OA, have some definite traditional angelic characteristics. OA has a ton of extra eyes on her face and neck and like. everywhere so she tends to wear gauzy scarves around her neck and ling sleeves everywhere. nothing can really be done about the ones on her face but she doesn't really show her face anywhere anyways so it's not that big a deal for her. Homer works at a patisserie in town and has extra eyes on his arms and back, as well as extra mouths on his hands (he wears gloves during work, don't ask). Rachel works there with him (and yes they're all in a thruple because. Oachel rights yo) and has extra vocal chords as well so her singing sounds absolutely ethereal. (She convinced Homer to hire Buck and Angie to work with him there after the OA told them about them.) Scott doesn't have too many extra weird eyes but his hair grows flowers and though he acts pissy about it he secretly really likes them. He works as the town's electrician and Steve apprentices under him. Renata tours around and always brings them back gifts from places she visits, and has both extra eyes on her arms that become part of her signature style (she claims it's prosthetics for the press) and a second mouth beneath her collarbone hidden under scarves so she can harmonize with herself.

BBA already works at the school and so knows them all already, and she shops at the convenience store for snacks at night during Jesse's shift and so is already close to him. She slowly puts the puzzle together herself, but in a very peaceful, calm manner; basically, she notices that he's acting different but doesn't throw a fuss about it ("I think Jesse's a different Jesse now. Hm. I'll ask if he still likes shortbread next time I go."). Lucky for Jesse, BBA and the angels all kind of adopt him.

Why do they keep working at the store after Hap leaves? a) it pays bills and like. they need to eat. and b) it's something to do, it's a normal part of a normal life that lets them spend time with each other and feel like they can finally live happy lives. Plus, Jesse and OA both desperately want to contact their home dimension and tell the others that they're okay, so the store provides a good space to do that.

and then French walks in the door one night because Olive Garden fired him and he needs to support his brothers and mom, and Jesse's world suddenly becomes a Hell of a lot more convoluted. French is confused when the pretty boy from school he was always too nervous to talk to looks up from the front counter and chokes on his drink; he's even more confused when Jesse stays bright red through their entire awkward conversation of "I need a job, are you hiring?" "UH. we are now. let me go grab the paperwork" (read: gay hyperventilating behind the backroom door for the minutes before grabbing the papers.) French is very concerned when as soon as he signs his name the paper just. crumbles to ash without any warning but Jesse just sweeps it into the bin and says "yeah you're hired, UHHH what hours???? work for you????? actually just come in when it does work and we'll get you started okay goodbye!!!" Of course night shift works best for French so Jesse has a mini conniption when French walks in the next night an hour after Jesse gets there and asks if he can start working Now.

French is a fucking NERD ASS LOSER in this dimension. so he's very confused when after a week of training almost nightly (hey, he needs to provide, yo) Steve, his old bully, walks in and greets him very nicely and apologizes for anything he did in high school (he does not notice Jesse glaring at Steve. he is also not aware of Jesse calling Steve the first night he came in and incoherently rambling for twenty minutes straight before yelling "I'M GAY" and hanging up. Steve was confused because didn't Jesse come out in like 10th grade to him??? he didn't bully French for being gay he bullied him for being a nerd ass loser).

French also begins to notice that things are fucking weird in this convenience store, and by that I mean he walks in one night and Jesse is calmly reading a comic book while one of the freezers is literally emitting fucking fire. ("Jesse. Tell me you fucking realize that THE FREEZER IS ON FIRE." "Yeah, OA said to just leave it. Scott's gonna fix it later" "But. But it's on FIRE." "Yeah lol apparently she's been workin on portals without dying and opened a hell dimenson? haha wack right. Just keep the door closed and it'll be fine.") He ends up calling Steve (who is being almost suspiciously friendly now under threat of bodily harm, and who is genuinely trying to be a better person) to ask if this is normal after Jesse tells very seriously after setting up "wet floor signs" that he should stay away from the soda fountain, OA accidentally fucked with it and it's biting people. (French, talking to Steve over the phone: "Yeah dude and then it just fucking crumbled to ash and he said I was hired. Like what the fuck. What the fuck." "Oh yeah lol apparently her husband's shop does the same thing. Btw tell Jesse to stop hoarding snakes in the cupboards behind the desk bc I'm the one Scott sends to fix that shit." "...........SNAKES?!"

Jesse has a weird thing with snakes in this dimension since he 1) found a weird tattoo of a snake with wings that just roams around his body as it pleases and acts like a pet (yes he named it Ramen Noodle. no he does not have shame.) and 2) realized that he can basically charm snakes just by talking to them. Friend shaped noodles. French walks in one night to find Steve trying to convince Jesse to "take them out of the cupboards" and after French cautiously asks what's in the cupboards Jesse just opens it to reveal like 30 snakes that he rescued from the cold (French yells and almost falls on his ass. Steve just sighs as Jesse picks up a ton of them and lets them curl up around his arms). OA does bi-monthly snake banishing (read: making Jesse go to different animal shelters to give the snakes away during winter or releasing them into the wild in warmer weather). (For his birthday about three months in she and Homer and Rachel find him an albino boa constrictor and Jesse genuinely looks like he's about to pass out from joy. He names it Theo, and for some reason, BBA tears up when he tells her and gingerly pets the snake.)

And the thing is, French is such a skeptic that he just can't bring himself to take Jesse seriously when one night about a month in he locks the glass doors and sits down to tell French very seriously that he's not the original Jesse from this dimension. Jesse realizes that French won't very easily be convinced, so he just does his best to flippantly include it in conversation in the hopes that it will slowly convince him. Even after French notices the moving tattoos (he was staring at Jesse's stomach when he stretched one night and almost yelled when a weird, almost tentacle looking tattoo idly moved across his skin) he can't bring himself to believe it, even when he realizes Jesse's eyes are a odd, almost shifting blue as opposed to the warm brown he searched for in the halls every day of senior year, even when there's fire and weird portals and a manager who has even more eyes than her husband (Homer comes in often with baked goods for Jesse and French. the first time French saw what he thought was a prosthetic eye on the back of Homer's hand wink at him, he almost passed out.). What finally convinces him is when Hap comes back.

Hap' s consciousness somehow came through after almost four months of wondering what was wrong with his old job, and when he comes back, French is in the store early just as Jesse is getting there and Homer is about to pick up OA when Hap comes in and points a gun at him. He's yelling what French thinks is nonsense, about a rose window and Prairie and how she lied to him, but he knows better now, he knows, and French is dead sure he's going to die when OA starts yelling back that he's wouldn't dare harm him or any of her friends. He can see in the reflection of the mirror above the front desk that Hap looks deranged, and it's enough to convince him of two things: one, Hap is about to kill him, and two, Jesse was telling the truth all along. He's about to do something desperate, kick Hap or try to grab the gun, something, when there's movement in the mirror and he spots something heavy swinging towards them. He ducks just as Homer creeps up behind them and brains Hap with a piece of scrap metal. The cops are called and everything is mostly sorted out-- Hap, of course, is going to jail-- but French is still shellshocked from realizing that it's all real, that Jesse died and came back in this dimension and that there are angels that act more like his parents than his mother ever has. It's a shock to him, but he gradually adjusts, and Jesse begins slowly filling him in on their old life in the original Crestwood, how they came together when a once-blind victim of a kidnapping came back with vision and stories, how he died on a beach on the way to San Francisco after overdosing on an old man's pain medication. Eventually, he gets the go-ahead from OA to tell the others and fill them in on exactly what happened. They reunite as they're supposed to and eventually become just as tightly knit as they had been. The Steve from Crestwood eventually joins them and while it takes him some time to adjust, he's so thrilled to have Jesse back and that everything is okay here that he's content.

[revengeisalwaysanoption]

I don’t know if you’re taking prompts, but I think it would be funny to read something about The Boy Squad and Niccolò playing truth or dare, spin the bottle or something like that. And another one: Marti trying to hide his hickeys from The boys, because Niccolò simply loves his neck 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 (btw I love your writing!)

Thanks! I’m sorry it took me so long, but I finally have it. Hope it doesn’t disappoint too much…

******************************

Nobody thought Martino could actually pull this off.

‘You’ve got the worst poker face in the world, zì.’ Giovanni reminded him, sure that Niccolò would know something was up as soon as he opened the door. That might be true, but Gio was definitely underestimating how good his best friend could be at sidetracking Nico. He wouldn’t even remember his own name, once he was done with him…

‘If you manage not to give it away tonight, and that’s a big if… you want me to believe that you’re gonna tell him that you’re busy and that you really can’t stay, when morning comes?’ Elia rolled his eyes, disbelief written all over his face. The plan could work, because it wasn’t something you’d ever expect from Martino… but it was hard to imagine this boy would really let Niccolò spend most of the next day alone.

‘Aren’t you gonna feel guilty about keep a secret from him?’ Luca asked, genuinely surprised by this new – stealthy – side of Martino. ‘I feel bad already… so maybe you better text me the details at the last minute. I can’t promise I won’t say something I shouldn’t, if he asks me…’ 

Yeah, he had taken that into account. Maybe he should have told Luchino that there wasn’t anything to feel sorry, or guilty, about. That as soon as Ni would find the first clue inside the ukulele, he’d know he has been sent on a treasure hunt. He wouldn’t really care that asking for help from his friends could be considered cheating – let it be known that he still is the Greatest Fucking Cheater Ever Existed – but he’d try not to involve them just because it’s their game…Marti should have told Luchino, sure. But it implied talking about the handwritten notes, the flipbook, the antidote, the giraffes… About things that he didn’t feel like to share that with anyone, because they were just theirs.Contrary to everybody’s expectations, indeed, Martino managed to surprise Niccolò.He had him running and cycling all over the city – including their school terrace, were Chicco Rodi and Rocco Martucci were waiting for him – to collect clues on where to find him… Which ended up being the most obvious place, if only Niccolò had taken a moment to stop and think: in that same swimming pool where they first kissed, without any Renato to interrupt them now.He let him think that they were going home to make up for lost time, alone… And then got a bit frantic when Niccolò turned on the light and looked at him and then at their friends, like he couldn’t believe his eyes…Was it too much? Was he overwhelmed?

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!”Trust Luchì to break the ice and hug Niccolò so tight that he couldn’t help but hug him back and start laughing.

Silvia came to the rescue, handing out slices of cake to everyone. It was barely more edible than the one she had prepared for the first meeting at Radio Osvaldo but he ate it with such gusto that one would think it was the best thing he had ever tasted.

He was gifted with pictures and embarrassing stories of his boyfriend’s first year in high school by Eva, shared travelling tips with Eleonora and went off on a rant about the upcoming maturità with Edoardo and Federico. If there was one good thing that came out from Covitti being a jerk, in the end, it was that it showed Incanti and Canegallo could be pretty decent people. Who wouldn’t side with the homophobic asshole out of fear of being called gay themselves, as most other boys at school seemed to do.

Who would break a bottle on someone’s head, if it came down to it, before their friend could be seriously harmed.

He discussed about some stickers and pins he had designed for Pride this year with Filippo, and explained to a very intrigued Luchino what pansexuality was with Sava’s help.

They were both very kind and patient and answered each one of his inappropriate questions, and Filippo even went far as shutting down Martino’s groans when Luca said “So, bi and pans do have something in common: they could both pass off as straight if they wanted, right?” with a “That’s rich, coming from you.”

“Uh?”

“I mean… I remember you thinking being ace was equal to being celibate, until what… Last week? Didn’t you say they were ‘straight-passing’ too, Rose?”

“I’m still learning, okay?” Martino mumbled, pouting. Both Niccolò and Filippo were older than him, so of course they knew more about this stuff!

“We know you are.” Niccolò conceded, walking over to his boyfriend to kiss him on the lips. “So am I. So is Filippo. So is everyone here in my house, today.”

“What they’re saying is just that we can all learn something from each other, Marti! That’s why I like to ask questions, you know? I like to learn…”

“Yeah, but it’s not their responsibility to educate you, Luchì.” Elia butted in, getting an impressed look from Filippo – not that he gave a damn about that, not in slightest. “I hate to be the one who breaks the news to you, bro, but the Internet is for more than just porn.”

Sana cornered him in the kitchen, half an hour later, to stress that they all agreed his house was the best place to have this party because he could kick them all out whenever he pleased.

“You didn’t ask for this, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to entertain your guests, you know?” She casted a glance to their friends, who were now in the middle of a ridiculous game Federica had suggested. “Don’t let us overstay our welcome, okay?”

So he doesn’t. It’s like being aware that he has a way out, that he can call this off whenever he wants - and they won’t hold it against him, they won’t be thinking “What’s got into Fares, now? – is enough to put his mind at ease. Having Martino by his side, soothing his nerves and grounding him with the lightest of touches upon his shoulders, helps a lot too.

As the birthday boy he also gets to have the last word on the party games, vetoing strip poker and spin-the-bottle. They were fun when he had been in middle school, and he can still hear his old friends cheering when the bottle pointed to the girl he had been crushing on for weeks – he can’t even remember her name, now, how pathetic is that? – but a trip down the memory lane is the last thing he needs, tonight.

“Truth or dare?” Eva suggests, as both Giovanni and Martino roll their eyes.

They would rather be humiliated at another round of beer pong against her and Silvia, than play that.

“Maybe later.” He says, laughing at the ‘yes, please’ looks from the girls and the ‘thanks, but no thanks’ glares from the boys. “I’m not drunk enough for that yet…”

It’s nice of Martino not to freak out, turning the suggestion down on his behalf because it would be too ‘dangerous’ (dares do tend to escalate quickly, when he is involved). It’s such a welcome change that he wants to savor it, honor it by throwing in his own proposal.

“What about ‘Never have I ever?’”

A drinking game that favors the youngest and most inexperienced among them, doesn’t force anyone to embarrass themselves – they set the ground rule that not drinking doesn’t necessarily mean you never did what has just been mentioned, but that you don’t feel letting people know anything about it.

It was either that or demanding his guests not to get too personal, which can’t really be expected when some are already so inebriated that they are having giggle fits playing peek-a-boo with each other (and Edoardo and Eleonora have no right to make such a silly picture look so endearing, haven’t they?).

The first rounds are rather tame. No one has ever been to Japan, apart from the Savas. No one ever tried to eat insects, apart from Luchino. Some admit to stealing candies when they were younger, some others reveal they went skinny dipping after seeing it on TV. It doesn’t feel as thrilling or liberating as TV shows made it look, though.

Sana plays dirty by asking about porn, to which everybody has to take a drink.

“Never have I ever had sex with a girl.” Luca says, knowing that for once he’ll get the upper hand on half of the Contrabbandieri and the boys from Villa. Well, isn’t this interesting.

Fede, Sana and Eva do not drink but Eleonora does. She grins at her brother, who looks at her with such fondness that Niccolò almost feel like he’s intruding.

Elia is pondering whether to drink or not, but in the end he surprises everyone by leaving it untouched.

Before anyone else can react to that, however, Martino grabs his beer and chugs it down.

“What? When?” Giovanni sounds more outraged than Niccolò could ever bring himself to be. He doesn’t really mind what Martino did in the past, he’d rather revel in the fact that he chose to be with him in the present.

Gio immediately backtracks, when he notices that Marti is still staring at the bottom of his glass.

‘Sex’ is a broad definition, indeed, and who is he to say ‘no, if it isn’t penetrative it doesn’t count’ ?

“I’m sorry. Forget I even asked, it’s none of my business.” He drinks one more of his shots, saying that it’s his penalty for breaking the rules. “We did agree that we shouldn’t ask questions about why is drinking or not, didn’t we? My bad.” He shrugs, as Martino mouths an ‘Apologies accepted thanks.’

“Never have I ever kissed a boy.” Sana admits, diverting the attention to herself.

Elia and Gio drink at the same time, and then rush to say “No! It wasn’t him! Ew, he’s like a brother to me!”

The more they deny it, the less they sound believable, so they just drop it and look at Niccolò expectantly.

“Never have I ever used make up to hide hickeys.” He says, proudly, earning a punch in the shoulder from his boyfriend. Who is now down to 3 beers, not quite being the ‘boring gay’ most assume him to be.

“That’s because I’m considerate enough not to leave you looking like you were mauled or something.” Martino mumbles, ignoring the knowing smirks from his friends. They were well aware of how much Niccolò liked his neck, and hadn’t been fooled by the disappearance of scarves and turtlenecks.

“I wouldn’t mind if you did. I love when you claim me as yours.” Niccolò whispers, brushing his nose against Martino’s and then nuzzling his cheek.

“You do?” It’s just the two of them in the room, now, as he cups Nico’s face in both his hands and sighs contentedly when the other boy nods and kisses his fingers.

“Guys! Please! Either stop it or get a room!” Someone hollers, breaking the spell.

“Never have I ever eaten ass.” Filippo states, just to see everyone squirm. It’s way too personal, too intimate, for anyone to dare and drink.

“Hey! No cheating!” Elia complains, getting up to point his finger right into Filippo’s chest. “You are a cheat and a liar. You’re out. And so am I, ‘cause this is getting old and boring and if we don’t get out soon those two will start fucking in front of our eyes.”

“And you know he’s lying because…?” Eva insists, intrigued by this new turn of events.

“TOO MUCH INFORMATION, GUYS!!” Giovanni shakes his head, covering his ears. “If we’re playing truth or dare, now, please leave those things where they belong. In the bedroom.”

“Getting a taste of your own medicine, Gio?” Nice to know that not even a heavy make out session with Niccolò would stop Martino from passing up the opportunity to tease him. “That’s fine by me. I’ve heard more than I ever asked for, already. Things I’d rather forget, thank you.” And if Elia wants to come clean about being with Filippo, it shouldn’t happen through a stupid party game.

Niccolò dares most people to eat what he cooked, of course.

Luca dares him to see who can fold himself faster into the biggest suitcase he owns – and loses, but he beams when Silvia kisses his cheek and tells him that he just needs to work on his flexibility, but that it was a valiant attempt nonetheless.

Edoardo goes for ‘truth’, of course, knowing that Ele would love that. It would be easy to take advantage of it by asking what if he ever felt ashamed of himself, or to whether or not he ever fell in love before meeting Eleonora. They are all better than that, after all they’ve been through.

“What’s the most idiotic thing you ever spent your money on?”

“Marco’s eighteenth?”

“How can you say that when you’ve got a horse?” Federico reminds him, slapping his neck.

“Hey, I happen to like horse riding. You know that. I’d rather spend a thousand euros on Furia than 10 on Covitti. What about you, Nico?”

“Louboutins.” It didn’t feel stupid, at the time. When she got those shoes, though, she told him he was crazy to waste so much money on shoes. She did appreciate the gesture, but it was imperative that he returned them as soon as possible.

He doesn’t quite know how Martino would react if he got him an expensive gift. Better than Maddalena, that’s for sure, but… Well, there’s no point in speculating: he’s gonna find out in July, when they’ll leave for their romantic getaway in Paris, isn’t he?

Martino dodges dares for a while, going for ‘truth’ even when it means confessing that:

a) Nico and him aren’t big on pet names (“Have you ever heard yourself when you start going ‘oh, you idiot’ ‘shut up, jerk’ ‘you wish, asshole’ ‘wanna a piece of this, wanker‘ ‘you know I do, dickhead’?” Giovanni points out “ ‘cause you ‘insults’ are totally pet names, guys)

b) he had a crush on Gio, though it never compared to what he feels for Niccolò – “you’re giving us all cavities, Marti, have you got no shame?”.

Eventually, though, those fuckers get him to sing a duet with Nico. Of course they choose Vattene Amore and sing along when they get to the ‘ci chiederemo come mai il mondo sa tutto di noi… magari ti chiamerò trottolino amoroso e dudu-dadadà e il tuo nome sarà il nome di ogni città…’ part, filming everything with their smartphones.

By the end of the night, no one is sober enough to walk home. Let alone drive.

The girls set up a blanket fort in the living room, claiming that they cannot kick Niccolò out of his bed and wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in his parents’ bed. He argues that they are gonna regret that in the morning, when their back is gonna remind them why it’s not a good idea to doze off on the floor.

Edoardo and his friends insist that they can run on caffeine alone and they are more than happy to crash on a chair. Whatever.

Niccolò is too high on the love he got from everyone tonight, to care about logistics.

So what if he has to share his bed with four other guys. Who cares if they constantly complain that he’s bony, that he snores and has got cold feet – “seriously, Marti, now I get why you always so tired on Mondays…” Luchino whines, trying to smother himself with a pillow and put an end to his misery “how can anyone get any rest, with him in their bed?” – or if it’s such a tight fit that they all have to lay on their sides and nobody has got room to turn in their sleep?

It’s still the best birthday he ever got.

[randomwordprompts]

If It’s Magic | Chapter 1

A/N: Hey y’all, I’m still here! Aight so boom, this is gonna be a college series for our my fave demons that picks up about a month after the epilogue of Intimate Friends. (If you ain’t read that btw, go do it!) This chapter is just intro/filler but how else can we start right?

Taglist: @bartierbakarimobisson @oceanscorazon @wakandas-vibranium @wakandan-flowerz @yaachtynoboat711 @great-neckpectations @storibambino @babygirlofwakanda

July 14, 2014 - New York City, Greenwich Village

“The New School? I still don’t quite understand what was wrong with the other place you were accepted into. I thought you liked that school, frau.”

Amira rolled her eyes at her father and handed him a box to carry into the building, ignoring his prodding questions as she grabbed a packed bin of her own.

“Papa, I already told you. There were too many pros to say no. They offered more money, more options, and their curriculum is a lot more progressive than the other school.”

Hannibal snorted, “And it was the only school you and Xavier both got accepted to?”

“That’s just a bonus.”

Francois snorted about how it was more than just a bonus but walked towards the door that Pauline held open for them. Following behind was Jonathan, Amira, Hannibal, and Diana while Elisha kept the car running, planning to go park it once everything was taken out. At the sight of Francois walking towards the door with empty hands, Hannibal called out to his eldest.

“Frank, I believe you’re missing something. You’re not carrying a box.”

“I just got my nails done, I’m not risking it! Plus everything is so...heavy.”

Just when Hannibal opened his mouth with a rebuttal, Amira spoke up.

“Frankie, can you at least take my makeup bag up? You know that’s precious cargo.”

Francois grinned at Hannibal and complied with the simple request, picking the bag up carefully. As they went inside they were almost immediately greeted with the dorm director, a young woman that looked just a hair too awake for 9am. She had a clipboard in her hand and was directing other students as they scurried about the lobby.

“Good morning folks, I’m Madison! May I ask who our newest student is in this lovely bunch?”

Amira pushed past her brothers to stand in front of Madison with a short huff, “That would be me, name’s Amira Lector. Nice to meet you, Madison.”

“Please, call me Maddie! And it’s a pleasure to meet you as well, Amira. Your room is on the second floor and I believe your roommate is already up there! It’s 212, I’ll be handing out dorm keys once everyone is settled.”

After thanking Madison, Amira and family made their way upstairs, thankful that dorm 212 wasn’t far from the elevator. The door was slightly cracked so Amira kicked it open so that everyone could get in, startling her new roommate. The dorms were more accurately two bedroom apartments that were provided on campus, so Amira took her things to her room with a short wave to her roommate. Once her boxes were put down she went back out into the living area to greet the young woman. She was about 5’9, slim but muscular build, skin a lovely honey tone. She sported a pair of gold-rimmed round glasses and looked up at the group of people that were now in her dorm. A slight smile graced her lips while she walked up to introduce herself.

“Hey, my name’s Lucy, nice to meet you. I assume you’re my roomie?”

Amira smiled and nodded before extending her hand to Lucy.

“That would be me, yes! I'm Amira, nice to meet you too.”

After some brief introductions to her family followed by a visit from Maddie to drop off their dorm keys, Lucy left to get food and Amira prepared to say goodbye to her loved ones with promises of bi-weekly video check-ins. Once they left, Amira set off to decorating her room while dancing around to her 90’s playlist.

Xavier laid on his bed with a sigh once his room was finally finished, chuckling as he thought of the conversation he’d had with his mother before finally getting her to go back to her hotel for the night.

“So are you going to tell me why you decided to come here instead of St. Johns? That was a great school.”

He shrugged a bit and put more clothes into his closet before speaking, “It was and still is, but I feel like I can grow more here.”

“And the fact that you and Amira are still in business together didn’t sweeten that fact?”

Xavier grinned. He and his mother had little to no secrets, including how he made his money. She knew enough to be aware but not enough to be considered implicit, so the fact that she mentioned the exact reason he’d picked this college only proved how well she knew her son.

“It did, but with good reason. With the right connections and partners, we could make a big difference here. I know we have our disadvantages at home but here people that look like us go through some really horrible shit and it’s systemic. So, we learn the system and change it from the inside out.”

She leaned back in his chair and nodded thoughtfully, watching him for a moment. It was so quiet that Xavier turned to make sure his mother had heard him properly.

“Oh, I heard all of it. What can I say to that, though? My son is working towards a noble cause for people that aren’t afforded the same opportunities as us. I can’t fault you for that, darling.”

He nodded and sat on his bed for a moment before meeting her gaze.

“I think we can do some really good work here. And if not, I’m pretty sure Amira will find a way to overthrow the government as a contingency plan.”

She laughed but stood and walked over to give her son a hug before getting ready to leave, making sure to remind him to call home if he needed anything.

“Canadian, huh? I’ve always wanted to go but my parents said there were no black people there.”

Amira choked on her green tea laughing at that, looking at her roommate incredulously from the couch.

“Maybe not in Toronto, but there are plenty of us all over Canada. Hell, my mom Pauline is from Jamaica!”

“I thought your mom’s name was Diana? I’m confused,” Lucy paused her writing to look over at Amira curiously.

“Oh, my bad. My parents are poly. My biological mom is Diana, but technically I have three mothers because my father has three wives. That’s still illegal here, isn’t it?”

“You mean bigamy? Yes that’s still very illegal,”Lucy chuckled softly.

“Oi oi, not bigamy. Polyamory, and they work well together. Were really a big happy family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Amira and Lucy continued to converse well into the night, learning about each other as well as teaching one another things about their respective homes. Just when they were about to turn on some Netflix there was a knock at their door. Lucy, assuming it was their dorm director went and opened the door only to find herself face to chest with the finest man she’d ever seen. Just when she was trying to figure out how to shoot her shot he asked a question that dashed those thoughts before they could even get good.

“Hi, is Amira here?”

The girl in question emerged from her room dressed for bed, wearing a shirt she obviously stole and a pair of boy shorts with her curls covered by her trusty and large bonnet. At the sight of him her face lit up but she folded her arms to feign annoyance.

“Dammit Xavier, you couldn’t show up when I was cute? Or wait till tomorrow like we agreed?”

“I could have, but I didn’t want to. Plus I like seeing Barney,” he said with a grin, referring to the purple of her bonnet.

She would’ve smacked him had he been closer but she opted to just roll her eyes and walk over to the door. Meeting the gaze of her roommate she addressed her sweetly.

“Lucy this is my friend Xavier, he wasn’t supposed to show up tonight so I’ll take this convo out in the hall.”

Lucy nodded in acknowledgement but made her way back over to the tv to pick out a movie. Once the two stepped outside and Amira closed the door behind them she launched herself into Xavier’s arms without much warning. He chuckled and caught her by her thighs, hugging her tightly as she wrapped her body around his. Pulling back to kiss him softly, she scratched at the nape of his neck as she felt her back press into a wall.

“You know...if we were quiet enough I could fuck you in this hallway.”

“Xavier Rose, you are not getting us expelled within the first 24 hours as if it’s an accomplishment.”

He smiled against her lips before dipping his head to press a lingering kiss to her throat. She sighed and hugged him once again before moving to pull her legs from his waist only to have him hold them in place.

“We can talk just like this, Mimi.”

Amira chuckled but played along as she felt butterfly kisses going from her shoulder to her ear.

“Alright, well I’ve been talking to my roommate and learning more about how things operate around here. Have you gotten anything from yours?”

“I have, actually. Turns out my roommate works for a nonprofit that helps disenfranchised people. He’s a good guy.”

“Ooh, that sounds promising. I’m going to look into some student activities tomorrow, find out if they have a BSU and whatnot.”

Xavier hummed thoughtfully but nodded to show that he was listening to what she said. They talked a bit more about their plans and how they would hopefully progress as well as what classes they’d probably start with in registration. After parting ways with a kiss and a promise to spend time together as soon as possible, Amira was back in her dorm room where Lucy was watching Netflix.

“I started watching this movie but we can throw on a baking show after?”

“Um, yes I love baking shows! I just need to go call my brother and I’m all yours, sis.”

Amira went into her room and called Jonathan to check in on the business, happy to hear that everything was running smoothly under his watch. She reminded him to deposit the money that was brought in and who to make payments to, then she found herself talking to her oldest sibling because they took the phone. Francois checked to make sure she ate and was comfortable, then offered to shoot her roommate if they happened to do anything bad to her. She reassured them that she was fed, fine, and that her roommate was a pretty nice person before they finally said goodnight with a laugh. After putting her phone on the charger, Amira went out to watch tv with Lucy until they both finally got tired enough to go to bed.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

I read that you were brought up catholic, I was too but how did you manage to balance the fact that you're bi, so am I, and religious? Honest question btw

I don’t mind the question at all! 

Okay, so I think it really started freshman year of high school when I saw a flyer at the church I was getting confirmed at. It was inviting the LGBT community to come together for ice cream and praising songs. There was nothing about fixing them or telling them to repent or anything. It was just a flyer telling the LGBT community to come together and remember God loves them. 

It was the first time I saw a church be inclusive of the LGBT community. 

At this time, I was still struggling with my own sexuality. I’d sort of crushed on girls, but wasn’t really aware of it, if that makes sense? And I kept wondering if I really was, or if I was just following some trend that was going around from what I’d read and the internet. I felt really uncertain. 

So I started researching like crazy. I looked things up in my Bible, online, and of course with family. The one thing I kept asking, and still ask to this day was, “How can God be all-loving but condemn someone for loving their same sex? Is that really worse than murder or I don’t know chating on your wife and abandoning your family? Why is that okay, but being gay isn’t?” And I kept using a friend of mine as an excuse for these questions. Like, “Oh my friend is gay, I’m asking for him.” 

Then once, I was talking to my aunt, who is like an older sister, and my abuelita. 

The answers I got really fucked me up. Saying God hated gays and he was disgusted by them, that it was a mental illness that could be cured if someone really wanted to be cured. And I remember losing it so bad, that I started crying and ended up storming off to scroll through Tumblr on my phone. 

And my aunt came to sit by me and was like, “Why does it bug you so much?” And again I was like, well my friend. And she was just like, “right...” 

It wasn’t until junior year of high school that I accepted myself because I fell really hard for a girl in my choir class. I also kept questioning everything about my religion. Just kept asking how and why. 

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that if I truly believe I am not doing evil or sinning if I fall in love with someone’s soul and not their fucking genitals, then surely God wouldn’t hate me and condemn me. To be honest, I don’t even believe in hell anymore. I can’t bring myself to believe that my all-loving, all-forgiving, generous God would let His children go through that for eternity. I had to take a lot of time for myself and figure out how I wanted to worship God and what I believe He wants and expects from me, instead of following an outdated scripture that still says women are beneath their husbands. 

The Bible has many good points. Such as the commandments, and the proof of miracles, the importance of forgiveness which I struggle with a lot. But a lot of it is also very outdated. It’s also a rough translation and collaboration of different writers and interpretations of the word of God. 

So in the end, I like going with the idea that I am to follow the ten commandments and the one rule God consistently repeated through the Bible which is to forgive, to love my neighbors unconditionally, and to remember I am no one to judge. And to love Him above all else. 

I hope this helps. Please, if you have any other questions, I’m more than happy to answer <3 

[vcnder-blog]

wow...it’s really me...agAIN and i have literally nothing together yet, but i’m hyped so hello! i’m sam, 20, she/her, est timezone and i also play ben the sourwolf and the cutie quill wallace so you can message me wherever for plots! anyway, let’s get into it! details about this one who has never done anything wrong ever in his life will be under the cut and you know the deal! i want all the plots!

➰ ( AVAN JOGIA, CISMALE, HE/HIM ) *✧.:°░｡ —- is that VANDER SANGHAVI ?! you know them, right? they are the 25 year old SHADOWHUNTER !! they’re known for being BENEVOLENT & INDIVIDUALISTIC - but i’d be careful if i were you because they’re also QUIXOTIC & RESTIVE. i heard they volunteered to be paired with SOPHIE TURNER.

so first thing’s first: his full first name is actually devander if i remember what i picked correctly lmao but he doesn’t like to be called that and literally no one ever does call him that except for his parents

wHO ARE THE WORST BTW. like, okay, remember in the show when alec and izzy’s parents first showed up and their mom was like that and you were like um, yIKES???? yeah, vander’s mom is like that except 100000000000000000000% worse. his dad is very strict and cold and far from vander’s favorite person buT HIS MOM IS ONE FUCKING PIECE OF WORK OK

which we’ll get into momentarily!

so, vander’s story is that he’s an only child, born in idris to the extremely wealthy, extremely respected and extremely well - known sanghavi family. both of his parents are super high - ranking council members and basically when i think of what they do i think of this scene from sherlock i’m a nerd okAY DRAG ME where mycroft is like “i occupy a small position within the british government” and sherlock scoffs and says “plEASE HE IS THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT” which is basically what i imagine his parents are like with their jobs in the clave aka they pretty much are the clave which i imagine is pretty common knowledge among shadowhunters and probably earns the family name a lot of respect but also hatred because all of their power and influence that goes wrong within the clave and all of their bias and shady business is, for the most part, completely their fault.

anyway, when vander was born his parents were a little older than the typical age at which shadowhunters tend to begin having kids and that’s because they’d been trying for a while before vander finally came along and he was basically their miracle child :')

lived in idris and spent the majority of his life there, specifically on the family estate property. even for a shadowhunter he had an extremely sheltered upbringing ok like because of his parents and their job and their obsession with molding vander into the perfect child and perfect successor for their position on the council which is what they always saw him as first and foremost rather than y’know THEIR SON, he was pretty much never allowed to leave the family property except for major social events. literally he wasn’t allowed to leave, spent all day every day studying and training and his parents kept him so isolated from other children friendships and love is weakness yeah yeah whatever that his only friends growing up were his trainers and tutors and the housekeeping staff

basically if it wasn’t guaranteed to make him a better shadowhunter and train him properly to take over their position within the clave then vander’s parents absolutely forbid it.

he couldn’t even really sneak away bc wtf is there to do in idris???? and anyway, the family estate was monitored by guards at every angle 24/7 because the idea that someone would try to assassinate the whole family was always entirely too plausible

i pretty much think of vander of being raised like a royal child if ygm? like, everyone knows who he is but no one really knows him and he never really got to have friends or anything normal like that and his upbringing in general was extremely strict and isolated and sheltered and privileged.

the first time vander ever left idris was the age of seventeen when he fought tooth and nail to accompany his father on clave business. specifically, his father would be taking temporary control of the institute in india for a months ( which he was chosen for because it was one of many jobs he’d been good at whilst climbing the ranks back in the day ). vander begged and pled and begged to be taken along and while his mother in particular was not happy about it, his father finally agreed!

vander loved that trip so much that he whoops sorta sneaked out of the institute on the night before he and his father were supposed to go home, ran away and hasn’t looked back since

he’s spoken with his parents plenty of times since then though. they’re still furious with him for running away and they take every chance they’re given to remind him of that and ask him to come home and finish his studies buT vander absolutely refuses and is pretty sure that if he ever sees idris or that dumb enormous house ever again it’ll be way too fucking soon

anyway, he’s gotten lots of practical training in his travels. despite his family name and the way people often treat him because of it, vander seriously just works as a typical shadowhunter doing normal old demon killing assignments and stuff.

he’s an expert with twin seraph blades though and there’s a 1000000% chance he could wipe the floor with anyone when it comes to using those things

it was at the dublin institute that things actually got interesting though lmao. there, he met helena havenborn and holy shit he fell in love with her so hard and fast and to this day he absolutely loves her to pieces jsyk

they got together, got engaged and were the most obnoxiously in love pair you could ever possibly come across until that mission gone wrong wherein helena’s parabatai was killed and she got turned into a werecat

vander hasn’t seen her since before she left for that mission

she thinks that he listened to his family and dumped her because she was now a downworlder, he thinks she left him and literally neither of those things are true they are 100000% lies made up by vander’s parents and lbr probably also helena’s mom to keep them apart and to try and get vander to finally come home

spoiler alert: it didn’t work

vander is just so heartbroken and he has been ever since. due to his extremely isolated upbringing, he was never very close with anyone not even his parents and then helena came along and they were everything to each other she was everything to him and then she just left him and vander tries really hard to be understanding like he knows the situation was devastating all around but he can’t help these feelings of bitterness he now has for helena as he sorta feels abandoned by her 

EXCEPT SHE DIDN’T ABANDON HIM AND HE DIDN’T ABANDON HER HIS MOM IS JUST A MEDDLING TRIFLER SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THEM PLEASE

still loves her so so so so much regardless of what he thinks happened

left the dublin institute not long after that and went somewhere else and now he’s just coming to cali probably on assignment due to the theft. he’s here to lend an extra hand and has no idea that helena is here so :) :) :) :)

that...was so long i apologize but if you’ve gotten this far and wanna keep reading then we’re about to get into personality and stuff!

vander is basically a good beautiful angel who has never done a single thing wrong ever in his whole life

no ok i’m moSTLY KIDDING but vander is genuinely a good person. having essentially been forced to spend his entire childhood studying the accords and all other shadowhunter law, he’s extremely aware that shadowhunters and especially the clave are far from perfect and are in fact very flawed and very biased. he’ll point it out to anyone who’ll listen and is definitely into working towards a better and more peaceful future

he’s a rebellious free spirit, believes in standing up for your beliefs and always doing what’s right rather than what’s lawful

so yeah in case you wanted to guess he and his parents can’t stand each other

his biggest flaw is that he can be way too idealistic and often forgets how the real world actually works

also has a tendency to mope about helena but insist he’s fine when he’s very clearly Not Fine™

listen okay i cannot stress enough how much he still loves helena he loves her TO PIECES HE LOVES HER SO MUCH SHE IS ABSOLUTELY IT FOR HIM IF YOU ASK HIM LIKE I MEAN SHIT HE WAS GONNA MARRY HER???? HE STILL WANTS NOTHING MORE ANd i cannot stress enough how heartbroken he is right now in spite of pretending he’s fine

he’s bi though if anyone wanted to know lmao

playfully arrogant, especially when it comes to his expertise with those twin seraph blades i mentioned before

stands up for the little guy at every turn

major sweet tooth, especially when it comes to candy and anything chocolate

he is overall a genuinely good person: friendly, understanding, compassionate, extremely considerate, and capable. however, his idealism, stubbornly rebellious nature and default of being extremely emotional, passionate and intense can often be a hindrance, especially as a shadowhunter. surely they would keep him from being the good and effective leader that he could potentially be otherwise, but having spent basically his entire life observing just how much power can corrupt people he’s not particularly interested in being a leader anyway 

ALL HE WANTS IS TO MARRY THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND IDK MAYBE A BAG OF M&M’S BUT NAH HE’S JUST GONNA SUFFER

UPDATES!

vander is an A M A Z I N G artist. specifically drawing and painting. art was pretty much the only “frivolous~” hobby his parents allowed him to participate in as a child aside from the occasional piano lesson and vander always loved it. he’s an extremely talented artist and he’s pretty much always drawing / painting in what little free time he has. i have this hc that his runes are absolutely beautiful like they’re perfect and gorgeous and often admired though vander thinks he’s just sorta okay at art and sees it as just a fun little hobby tbh

and really that’s all it is to him. he’s not interested in dropping everything to become an artist nor has he ever been. he loves art but he loves being a shadowhunter too and for now it’s all he has.

vander knows literally nothing about mundane culture. dude can’t drive, can’t work most electronics, will not understand any pop culture references at all he’ll just stare blankly at you completely confused

also doesn’t understand social cues sometimes. he’s gotten better at it in recent years but he can sorta clueless and awkward sometimes due to experiencing basically no socialization during his entire childhood. vander is genuinely nice and always means well but sometimes he’s just...not great with people but it never deters him at all he learns, corrects himself and gets right back into things. he might occasionally need require further explanations and help understanding things sometimes but he’s a pretty quick learner

he could possibly have a parabatai though we would need to do a lot of plotting and there’s a good chance that vander and this parabatai are not on good terms at the moment. not 100% sure about this but feel free to message me if you’re interested anyway

the consul aka helena’s mother literally fucking HATES him personally

finally...that’S ALL FOR NOW. this is so long and if you read it all i don’t know hoW but please feel free to message me for plots!!!! either here or over at @mcrdices is probably best!!!! and as you know i’m down for anything and i’m really excited to write with you all as usual!

[scriptlgbt]

Cleaning up

Hi! Mod Scix here! We’re trying to cut our way through the inbox, and I’ve compiled a few similar asks. This post will be a lot of ask and very short answer. Please understand this isn’t me being rude, I’m just trying to be efficient so we can get less behind. (hee hee, “behind”)

The first category of questions are errors:

Anonymous said:

(nb 2/3) They’re feminine, but choose against HRT/surgeries (maybe later?) bc they’re on PREP and the combination might lead to lower bone density (they’re a MedSchool stdt, they’d know). And they’re on Prep bc their boyfriend, the protag, is Poz, but their relationship isn’t healthy (constant arguing and protag trying to decide NB-char’s career for them). But NB-char puts up with it for years. Partly for love, partly bc protag accepts their gender, and they think they won’t ever have that again

Anonymous said:

Clarifying a few things about my ask (I'm the anon with the love triangle): 1. Gender/sexuality is of minimum importance in this story. Tough to explain, but the MC doesn't really have a concept of those issues? She's afab but agender for all intents and purposes. 2. The relationship between the two men is way healthier/happier than that between the MC and her ex. 3. There's no animosity between the MC and her ex's current partner.

Sorry, the rest of your questions are missing. If it's still a relevant question, please resend.

The next set I call research:

@teal0cean said:

Hello!! Love you guys! I wanted to ask if you know about the history of HRT for trans males. As in. What was or wasnt available or how the process of transitioning was during some historical period or other (im interested in early 20th Century!)

@yevie said:

Do you have any information on what sorts of resources/information would be available for a (lower-middle class, 20 year old nursing student in a metropolitan area) trans man in 1995? [Resources in terms of both social transitioning, especially in his academic and work setting and also resources in the whole LGBT community aspect and having access to the language to describe his experiences.] (He's also gay and ace, if that's relevant.)

Anonymous said:

I heard theres discourse about the terms FTM/MTF/etc. whats that about??

Anonymous said:

So I've always wondered about this, but I don't to seem like I'm insulting anybody. :( I just really want to know how it works... but I'm to scared to ask so I'm going to drop it here, because I think you will understand! :) (1/2)

You see, If a female decides to do the transision to male. How will she get the male genitalia and loose the female one? I really want to know. Does it hurt? (2/2)

Anonymous said:

How and when do people realize they might be homosexual?

Anonymous said:

Can you think of any really good ideas for a short LGBTQ film? Thank you!

Anonymous said:

Do you know where I could read a bit more about lgbtq+ stereotypes so that I don't do it myself?

Anonymous said:

What is bi/tri/polygender

Anonymous said:

I am making a documentary so i need a good script on it in hindi, would you be able to provide it?

So these are all research questions. Not actually what we are here for, though we do sometimes dive in. The first couple may be tougher to find using google, but the rest are pretty easy to dig up. Or else need to be reworded to narrow the focus. And sometimes the questions we get have built-in assumptions that kinda make it impossible to answer fairly.

Like the assumption that we write Hindi.

If anyone wants to answer these, please be civil.

The next section is the quick answer:

Anonymous said:

Do any trans men choose not to take hormones, even if they're available to the person? I know this answer would really vary from person to person, but I'm thinking of writing a trans man who doesn't want to take hormones, and I'm not sure if that would be considered unusual or not really understanding of the desires most transgender people have.

@pan-at-thedisco said:

Is it plausible for a trans boy who can definitely afford transition surgery to choose not to? Is this something that happens often?

Yeah, transfolk sometimes choose not to get surgery or take hormones. Don’t worry about “often,” it’s fiction.

Anonymous said:

Hello there, I have this male character that I wrote a long time ago and only recently have I been seeing him as bi, now he has crushes on guys but he still ends up with a girl. I can't help but feel like I "cheated" in a way by making a bi character have a hetero relationship but I don't want to change his relationship. I just want to hear your opinion about this.

It's not a hetero relationship, because he is in it. Just don't write it that the new relationship is fixing him, or more real, or anything like that.

Anonymous said:

I want to ask about usage of the word "queer" not in reference to a person or their gender/sexual orientation. Its original meaning meant "strange." It later became a slur, and has now been reclaimed by some in the community. I'm wondering if it's still okay to use it in its original meaning (i.e. "In front of him was the queerest fog he'd ever seen.") or has the evolution of the word has made that no longer acceptable, even if you're writing period/a specific atmosphere?

Go for it! Just be aware it sounds kind of old-fashioned.

Anonymous said:

hi! do you think it would be considered ok for a nonbinary character in a historical setting to use their language's equivalent of "it/its" pronouns? i'm cis and i'm worried people will take it the wrong way, but the character just wants to be convenient as their language only has one set of gender-neutral pronouns and it's for inanimate objects

No. If it's a fictional language, then it can have a gender-unspecified pronoun that doesn't only refer to objects.

@dreamwishing said:

I have a rather odd question. Odd enough that I'm not sure where to ask. This may not be the right place, and if it's not, maybe you could point me in a direction? That would be great. Everyone asks how to avoid stereotyping lgbtq+ people, but...how do I avoid stereotyping homophobes and the like?

...make them rounded, complete characters with more than one thing in their life.

Anonymous said:

I have a villainous character who is a combination/amalgamation of various people of different genders/sexualities, and they don't have a gender. I'm planning to refer to the character with they/them pronouns, and it just doesn't feel right to give them a gender. But since they're a bad guy, would it be... what's the word... transphobic (I guess? you know what i mean) to portray them as agender? I have other agender characters, if that makes a difference. (It's fantasy btw)

Having other agender characters -- well-represented -- solves the issue for you just fine. Also, make the villain interesting. I love a good villain. 

Anonymous said:

Will the mod/s be monitoring the comments at all? I've seen quite a few hateful replies and reblogs toward nonbinary and demisexual people. I would love to keep following, but it sucks having to be subjected to people invalidating my gender and sexuality in the comments.

There is nothing we can do about comments. "Never read the comments" is often a good idea. Alternately, block the blogs that are evil, and you'll soon find it was the same few all along. Anything really terrible, let us know so we can block them ourselves, and let our readers know.

That was a lot of work. I know it doesn’t look like much, but it took me a few hours and I’m wiped. Some kinds of work are more labor than they appear, and this is that kind of labor.

Still and all: love you all! Just not that way. 

~~Mod Scix

[vindrawin]

My Oc (I DID THIS SO I COULD DRAW UR OC PLEASE GIVE MEH A REQUEST)

(For some reason, it's not letting me post this with the picture soooooooo) That moment when you write a more then two page summary of your character and then realize tumblr didn't upload it, didn't notify you about that, and find out the next day. Worst thing is, I had copied it just in case, but I thought it had uploaded so I copied something else. ALRIGHT HERE WE GO Chisana Egao Quirk: Void wings This quirk enables her to create wings out of a semi-permeable shadow type of material. These are typically very small unless she chooses to use them. When in use, they grow about ten feet in wingspan if she is planning on using them for flying. The other way she can use them it for quick teleportation, however, she can only go to places she has been during the past day, and bringing someone else is extremely tiring. At night, her wings grow bigger than in the day, throwing off her balance a bit when she's not flying, but making her faster when she is flying. Parents: Her mother was a villain, and the leader of a gang that terrorized many cities. Although being the leader, she was able to sweet talk her way out of a lot of the crimes she had committed, so although she was more of a high ranked villain, the authorities recognize her as only committing minor offenses. Her quirk is Shadow make, enabling her to create anything out of shadows as long as it is less than 50 ft away from her at anytime. She can control the solubility for these shadows, from making solid objects to dense fogs. Her father was a very successful hero who worked mainly at saving people during disasters. He was a product of quirk marriages, and thus has a soft spot for anyone put in an awful situation just because of their family. His quirk was space control, a quirk which allowed him to create worm wholes for teleporting himself or objects out of the way, manipulation of gravity which would create a 75 ft bubble with himself at the center where gravity was under his control, and void space, a small sort of pocket dimension where no one could enter unless he let them. Through his side of the family has been a sort of quirk illness, where, when using one or more parts of their quirk, a family member has been unable to stop. Doing this could cause them to permanently injure or fatally would themselves. This happened to her father on a particularly dangerous mission when a building was collapsing during an earthquake. He teleported one hundred and forty people into a void space for two hours until the area was safe. After that, people noticed that he was growing unstable. His final job was when he had to capture Egao's mother. After she circumvented punishment by the law, she took advantage of his weakened mind. They got married after that and he soon retired. Siblings: Egao has an older sister who is four years older than her. She inherited a mix of gravity manipulation and shadow create. She can manipulate the specific gravity on anyone or thing that has a shadow, pulling them down or lifting them up. She can also turn her body parts into a shadow and manipulate the solidness of it, for example, she could turn her arm into a sword and harden it past the strength of steal. She most resembles her mother Her brother is three years younger then Egao, and inherited teleportation through shadows and can create shadows in the form of basic geometric shapes, objects that resemble sharp knives, and even duplicates of himself, and as long as it doesn't touch the ground, the objects remain solid. If they die make contact with the ground, they melt back into his own shadow. Past: Compared to her siblings, Egao is nothing. Her younger brother was three when he started making little shadow squares (he started doing this to complete that little puzzle where you have to fit the correct shapes into the correct slots. He always takes the easy way out) and her sister, who was ten, had already basically mastered gravity manipulation and could turn her arms into shadows and back. Egao could barely fly off the ground at age six. Their father was unresponsive. He would sit in their guest room all day, muttering to himself and occasionally saying something to the children. He barely ate and never talked to his wife. Their mother was mentally abusive, blaming the kids for everything she did to them. If they did something she deemed incorrect, she would let the other kids beat up the bad doer (the brother and Egao often didn't want to, so they would be locked in the guest room with their father for hours as additional punishment when they refused to fight). Their sister would always listen to her mother, even if it meant hurting her siblings. She looked down on Egao because of her inferior abilities. One day, when she was almost turning seven (none of them knew their exact birthdays) she was locked in the room with her father again. He was mumbling incoherently as he stared out the window. She was tired of all of this, and his mumbling was driving her insane. She wanted to prove to them, all of them, that she was more than useless. She was going to try and use void pocket. None of the children had ever tried to because, a while back, their father told them," this is what has turned me into this." Even their mother doesn't encourage it. She starts trying to, and the hours start passing by. She's starting to feel sick, like a weight is dropped in her stomach. Her hair starts floating up as her body starts burning. Her vision blurs in and out, black spot dancing across her eyes as she is holding back tears. Then there is a stabbing pain in her eye. She cries out and tries to stop, to at least shut her eyes, but she can't. She then remembers her father mentioning something about a quirk disease, an inability to stop, but it's too late. She's crying out as her eye feels like it's popping. She is barely aware of her mother pounding on the door that Egao locked. She feels blood pouring from her right eye. It splatters across her clothes. She feels it. She know it. She's going to die. Tears and blood stream down her face as her screams and gasps coincide. Then she feels a hand on her shoulder. She feels weightless. The weight in her stomach is gone. She is able to close her eyes. After a while, she is able to open one to see her father, the sky behind him is the night. She was in a void pocket. Was it her or him who had done it? She couldn't tell as she slipped into unconsciousness. When she wakes up, it's in the hospital. The doctor informs her that she will never be able to see out of her right eye again. He also tells her that they found her in the street, unconscious and bleeding heavily. They ask her who her parents are and she fakes memory loss. She doesn't want to go back. She knows her father did this. They put out a report about the missing child, but know one claims her as theirs. Her father must have stopped her mother. When she checked in the mirror and could finally see her eye, she was shocked. It looked like the night sky except for her purple iris which was visibly much smaller then before. She touched it and realized that it was a void. This was the happiest day in her life. She had succeeded in a way and was finally free from 'home'. Yes, she missed her brother and, to an extent, her sister, but she can't bring herself to go back. About: Gender: Female Pronouns: She/ Her or They/ Their Sexual orientation: Bi Greatest fear: Not being enough Generally a bright person, but can also be very pessimistic. She uses humor to cope and loves to make people laugh. Doesn't go out of her way to form romantic relationships because she grew up witnessing a toxic one. She grew up with thick skin because of people being creeped out by her eye (which is why she grew out her bangs), but is always worried about letting someone down. This is why she prefers to work alone because if she fails, at least she isn't messing up someone else's work. Although she hates to admit it, she needs people around her, a group of friends that will always except who she is, mistakes and all. {bonus fact: she can change her eye back to normal, but her iris is always extremely tiny. She cannot see out of it at anytime, and often stores pencils in her void eye for later use. This is the only place she ever turns into a void.} OKAY IM DONE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. It took sooo long to rewrite this ughhhhhh. Btw, the only reason I made this is because I want to draw your OCs!! PLEASE SEND ME A REQUEST I REALLY WANT TO DRAW THEM ... Thanks for reading!

[bokunojuby]

Tell about your ocs... pls... if you want... but i wanna know... pls...

Anon my dude I will definitely 100000% talk about my ocs but I’m not sure if you meant any in particular so I’ll just mention all/any I can think of at 5 am 

I’m suuuper tired and will likely type a bunch of incomprehensible stuff I’ll regret saying later so i’m putting it under a read more

 btw this is super long but I won’t shorten it because 6 am now so get ready for hard to follow descriptions of 4 of the stories I’ve thought of within the past two-ish years because I think i either focused more on the plot when I was dedicated to an idea or I just forgot every detail of my characters

I should go to sleep

I’ve made a bunch of ocs in my time but the ones more recently are the ones I care about the most/can remember right now so here we go. Also these all all probably terrible please don’t judge me too harshly I never got far with these

Robin (Robyn?? I had some deal with deciding if i wanted to replace the i with a y for no actual reason but just because) (I don’t think i did though): She’s like, 15-16 ish, bi, I wanted to write her as autistic but never got around to really deciding on that. I drew her for months omg?? Her story went from ( I think these are the same ocs?? Pretty sure) being a side character in this fantasy universe where i really wanted to take classic fantasy races and really think about how to make it more than just simple basic rules? Like really thinking how/why things worked (I’ve had conversations with people (mostly one sided) about how vampire drinking blood would work/why they do it to stay alive) I mean i didn’t get too far but I have dreams okay. ANYWAYS 

She was a witch who as a child her parents found a mermaid washed up on shore and she was like super injured for some reason I think she was like, a type of mermaid that was rare so someone tried to catch her or something idk. Also there was some war at some point maybe a past war?? it had some connection to these two but I don’t remember why/how. this was an idea from a while back

 But anyways She and that mermaid became best friends and also I think they were the only pairing i had worked out and also were the only ones i ended up caring about so this story was abandoned and i don’t remember anything other than i think it was supposed to be a group of teens solving stuff or something?? I think there was also a shapeshifter who took Mermaid Girls form before the witch girls family found her and i think the deal with shapeshifters was that their first form (that they copy from someone else) becomes their default form (they don’t really have a form before i guess?) and i think she also wanted to kill Mermaid Girl for some reason? probably because of the form thing I can’t remember 

Just realized Robin’s a different character and i think i still have old drawings of the mermaid and witch characters?? Mermaid girl was “Brynn Collins”

God this is already so long but I wanted to give background context and i’m too tired to shorten anything 

So actual Robin was the same as i described before but different story. She had an older sister with magic powers and as a kid always played pretend witch because of that. Anyways like, one day her sister like, got sucked into a different world or something?? There’s so many gaps in these stories because i gave up on them before they got fleshed out sorry guys these aren’t the ocs you deserve to hear about. (but i still loved them so much so you will anyways)

 But anyways she’s all “what where did she go” and also i’m pretty sure her sister was kind of popular? She was super nice and friendly so yeah. But yeah one day this girl shows up, soaking wet, and tells her she knows how to find her sister but to get to her she cant come back to earth (idk if this was established right away or if later they’re like “oh no we are stuck”) The girls name is uhhhh idk i literally left to get my tablet but i didn’t save any pictures with her name but it started with a C. I don’t think this one got too far?? 

Wait no they find her sister and actually i think it’d been a few years since she had disappeared so she looked older and people probably cried a bit and she was mentoring two kids and all i remember about them was “strawberry shorts boy” so yeah. 

The original with the same characters was Robin who was kind of crabby i guess i can’t think of any words but she didn’t want to talk to anyone but was forced to because she had to go be like “hey so my magical sister who is also my only family kind of disappeared and i think she’s in trouble” and btw just warning you now that Robin was inspired by mp100 (design wise and then sister has powers wise) and thus most of the rest was too.

 So anyways she had to go to this “agency” that solves/helps with  magic related crimes i guess i never got too far into what they were and somewhere along the way they find c girl whos a vampire and they either killed the guy keeping her there or he was already dead and she didn’t know what to do and lived there by herself but either way Robin eventually convinces her to leave and I’m deciding rn that she probably got pretty attached to Robin i typed words but none made sense so they are goodbye now

Heck who else did i have this is already long so it’s all or nothing may as well be longer sorry anon I like talking

Uhh my step mom was playing blood bourne how do i spell that idk but anyways I kinda made an oc lowkey inspired by that but like,,,, not??

We have,,, The Hunter who i don’t think really got a back story i only drew these people for a few weeks 

We had the girl who didn’t get a cool nickname but I loved her so much she had fluffy curly hair and a cute smile she didn’t get any backstory either but I still love her

Cynthia got a backstory but I’m almost too embarrassed to drop it here because both during and after thinking it up I was aware of it probably being really,,, weird?? I guess?? But i’m too tired to regret my mistakes yet sooo. 

Cynthia was like, kidnapped by this guy who was in love with her mom (I don’t think she even knew him he just was like “ily” and she was like “who the actual hell are you” so he stole her kid i guess and idk but maybe killed her i don’t remember but it came to mind so I’m not sure if that happens or if my mind just decided to insert more death. 

To make it creepier he like, physically modified Cynthia so she’d be the spiting image of her mother. I think she was a little different looking so she’d look like what he imagines she would look like if her mom had Cynthia with him instead of some other dude. (All while raising her as his own with stories of how he and her mother were so in love but then she died when she was young)

 I think he left or something and Cynthia joins Hunter and my Precious Child on whatever they’re doing hoping to find him and then eventually realizes how horrible and messed up it all was and that he lied to her. Note that when I drew her she always had those round cheek blush things and was supposed to look very doll like in a way. 

rn I don’t really have any concrete story ocs but I drew some characters for ideas I got usually from tumblr. Like that one with the cats that you follow and they take you places. There was one about a tape or whatever and that one I think i’m still lowkey thinking about still??

I’m thinking of ideas for a race of cat humanoids (v original i know) but i only have some stuff soo. 

I don’t think this is what you were looking for and I definitely have more ocs but I’m tired and this became more rambling about stories surrounding one or two ocs instead of being about my ocs;;;; I’ve been drawing a bunch of new ocs though so thats something. 

[lunatik28]

I want to record this line because it's glorious:

#spilled ink#writeblr#this is all true.#btw PLEASE be aware that she was NOT bi or anything else#this is about a straight lady stealin my work#although. yes i am also team “well babe if u like sapphic work so much.... hmm”#bonus: almost made a comment that everyone has completely stolen (without credit)#“your mother did not raise you with a wolf in your chest just so you could howl over losing a man”#and that line#while a banger#has been chopped and resold so much im like. :x well..... guess that's not mine anymore lol#ps edited bc i changed my mind about the length of this and how i introduced it#if ur like . didn't this have another 4 paragraphs. yes lol

she had taken all of the pronouns in my poems and turned them masculine. every she was he. every her was him. i wrote about women dipping their hands into the honey of my chest and she had changed it in this stark, violent way. men now, in my work. in my ribs, i guess. how odd, to stare at it.

i write a lot about worshipping at the knees of my girl. what sapphic can resist the allure of chapel-talk, the divine nature of what is ours and ours alone. her hair in your shower. her chapstick melting in your car. when we say holy here, it is a different meaning. it is the smithing of our own haloes from mix-tape cds. no hammer to the anvil - only our own palms, skin scorching. forging every astral ray with the prayer please don't leave. our bible a history that is never taught in high school. we shape a church from the tent of her arched back. what other word for hymn but her voice. her moaning.

a poem can be stripped of its component parts, maybe, but can it still breathe? is it still the same ship? the words this woman changed, biting and spiraling up at me: my man is holy. i worship at his feet. he is the divinity of saturdays and the wheat of my communion and he is the hushed summer's glorious release.

it's common knowledge that you can say a word too-many times, and then it loses meaning. but here was something new: it wasn't that the words had lost meaning, but rather that they had shifted in the air somehow and turned radioactive to me. all of my words were otherwise unchanged, except for the unkind and glowing eye of him.

ivory-tower glowing in my aorta, i thought about talking to her on the sanctimonious and erudite level. telling her: a poem can be changed, can be erased or added to or demolished or reconfigured; but we do try to respect the original author. i would tell her i would have preferred her not change only the pronouns; that her actions felt like censorship rather than collaboration.

in front of me: you cannot cut him out of me, i was made to love him. no scrubbing, no penance. i will always come back to this house, come back to loving men.

i thought about telling her why her actions were cannibalism, not care. i would tell her about being 18 and pressured by my catholic family to accept a man as a partner; how i'd dated him for 5 years before being able to escape. how abusive he had been. how he had made me kneel in front of him - that i wasn't using the word worship idly, but rather as a reclamation. how i had to be re-taught even the concept of faith. how when i learned peace again, it was by the hand of a woman.

i thought about telling her about the wound behind it, the unceasing loneliness. i thought about telling her shape of the small and quiet hours; the fear; the endless and unpretty nature of just being queer. i thought about saying: all of my work comes from a place of pain.

i thought about telling her everything. when i finally found the words, it was only one: why? in that was the summary of all i felt: why not write her own poem? why change it so violently? and why choose my work, if she disliked it so much? why me?

i imagine she shrugged when she responded. all i got was a single sentence: "i really like your work but i want to be able to enjoy it without being made uncomfortable."

on her insta, her pinned post is of her boyfriend - now husband - proposing. they were married in 2023. congratulations. i really do hope she's happy.

i hope one day it stops hurting.