#bro i feel like im doing this for attention
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i dont even LIKE cod and youve got me hooked on konig. god. the hcs with him and his siblings/family are SO GOOD its got my cuteness aggression acting up, i need to headbutt him so gently/sweetly about it. ngl im an older sibling so i would 110% enable his siblings on silly shit like baby pictures, no hard feelings to him but like, lsiten, im honor bound. its bro code but for older siblings or whatever (silly). just watching him wrassle with his sister or get into a cartoon dust cloud with the lot of his siblings and sighing so dreamily about it. my big strong goofy goober 💞💞
love to hear it, I’ve had, like, five people tell me I changed them with König and isn’t that the dream? haha
König is so embarrassed over his baby photos, honestly, you’d get secondhand embarrassment watching him get pissy over it. he will wrestle baby photos away from his siblings - if it weren’t for his mother being sentimental he’d burn them, no joke. there are photos of him eating grass in there, him in the sink for a makeshift bath, oh god, just stuff he wished would go away
I briefly talked about it in this post, but König definitely had an emo/metal phase - it was so bad (to him) he did get rid of a majority of the photos (mama König somehow has a couple stashed away - he always thinks he’s destroyed them all but then she whips out another one). his older sister, the usual suspect, is such an ass about bringing it up. if she really wants to piss König off she’ll play a song from when he was a teen, it always sends him into a frenzy. his older brothers usually don’t pick on him, that said, if his sister brings up his emo phase his eldest brother will also mouth off about it
to his credit, König’s second eldest brother is close to a saint, keeps to himself, is considerate and friendly. König’s second eldest brother is usually hanging around König when he’s home - both of them idly lounging in silence doing their own thing. they’re both mama’s boys, everyone knows, immediate family, neighbors, colleagues, it’s blatantly obvious. and, their sweet mama who could do no wrong, sort of takes advantage of that. they’re both big boys, her darling, strong sons who come running when she calls… yeah, when they’re both home she has them help her around the house - they’d never complain, they’re more than happy to help their mama fix appliances and cook meals
and then there’s their dad. yeah, generally fathers command respect, but papa König? he clears his throat and all his kids freeze - it doesn’t matter if they were laughing, fighting, or just sitting, suddenly they’re at attention. he’s not a bad parent, he just has… a general aura that says ‘large and in charge’, strikes the fear of god into people when he stands up straight and glares at you. he’s larger than life, his father isn’t the tallest in the family, the eldest son is, but König’s dad is still 6’11”/~210cm. he looks like a hardass, and he sort of is, but generally he’s easy going! papa König just has some major resting bitch face, rugged with prominent crow’s feet (mama König is absolutely smitten with him, he’s her big strong bear)
#their family deserves a sitcom#konig#könig#könig cod#könig call of duty#könig headcanons#cod#cod thoughts#call of duty#hit post
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note: pollmaker is thinking of the USAmerican lottery system (powerball, mega millions, state lottos, scratchoffs, etc), but poll applies to other countries lotteries systems so long as its still the same concept of "big ol state sponsered gambling shit", but not like casino style gambling. u know what i mean, Lottos.
questions for the tags: how regularly, what stuff you play, if you have limits for yourself, if you feel like its a Problem for you, and for funsies the usual 'first thing youd do if you won the lottery' shit
reblog to have absolutely zero effect on your luck either way. just like, absolutely no change in luck whether you reblog this or scroll past. this is the luck neutral post reblog in the next 30 seconds or dont who give a shit
#buzzy#REMAKING BECAUSE I FORGOT THE FUCKING NO OPTION CHRIST im bad at this#do u ever spend so long thinking about every possible 'OP WHY DIDNT YOU MAKE AN OPTION FOR THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION'#that u forget the fucking 'no' optik#polls#poll#lottery#lotteries#the lottery#gambling#okay to repeat my personal answers: yes but i do only $3 per week and ONLY the texas lotto#i do my lucky numbers and i do a multi draw (does the next ten drawings w the same numbers) so that i dont gotta#pay attention to it for a couple of weeks#which makes it less of A Thing#so im not activelt rhinking about it as much#im ya kno impulsive and in the past it was 'ohh $5 per week and scratchoffs' but that meant too much of a#'oh but this week ill spend an extra $5 ive been good....'#and it was too easy for me to justify going overboard#i know 'not playing at all' is the better option but this scratches the itch just enough that i dont feel tempted to impulse buy scratchoffs#while also being p hands off so im not obsessing over it as much#ya kno?#yeah im consistently wasting money but it keeps me from IMPULSIVELY wasting EVEN MORE money#and it means i can keep lotto winning dreams jn the back of my mind#also first thing id do is go to doctors and find out wtf is wrong w me#well not the FIRST first. first first is probs getting myself a little treat like some dutch bros
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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i realize how little i have in common with my peers simply because im not constantly on tik tok/instagram/facebook 👴
#first i just dont get 80% of the references bc i simply dont engage with them/im not curious enough about them#second new people or those that i know cant go 15 minutes without scrolling on their phone or texting#the few friends who would let me stay at their house would always sit on their phone the entire evening not really engaging with me#or trying to engage with me by showing me something they found on their phone.... girl-#i broke up with my last partner bc they were chronically online and wouldnt go to sleep without at least 1 hour of phone time in bed#im mainly complaining about the bed time phone usage thing bc it used to drive me crazy as an insomniac#and considering how many people do it just makes me completely disinterested in sharing a bedroom with other people#i am old so that must be it tho#i barely use my phone that thing can last 4 days on one battery charge (it's a good battery but still) despite my occasional yt usage#i like in person talking and i just think people lost touch with their social side the last few years :(#and it's hard for me to feel like im having an engaging conversation with someone if they're constantly checking their phone#it makes me feel really lowly of myself it hits my self-esteem hard bc this behavior shows me im too boring to have their attention#even tho they were the one to invite me over/go out with me... bro.#personal#delete later
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I'm on ep5 of LOK and remembering why I have never gotten past the first season of this show. The love triangle shit is driving me INSANE in the worst of ways. It feels like fucking high school drama.
I will stick it out... because I have heard the show gets better... and also the promise of endgame Korra and Asami.... I will stick it out this time....!!!!
But God. It's so annoying 😭😭😭😭
#speculation nation#i will stay strong. i WILL... i will....#the thing is like. atla always had the romance subplots & some jealousy plots. but it was like#they had bigger fish to fry. at the end of the day the romance was never the prime focus#bc they were fighting a War! and they were younger than the LOK team too#it never felt so heavy-handed in atla. in LOK it just feels so Forced....#doesnt help that im like. man Bolin really would be better for Korra than Mako.#stop paying attention to a wishy washy guy who wont even pay 100% attention to his own girlfriend (who's not you!!!!!)#i rly do like Bolin and Korra's interactions. but also the way the writing is pushing Bolin's crush on her kinda sucks#bc i think theyd be best as bros. genuinely.#and i Know we get the f/f ending but god DAMN im still. ugh ugh ugh. what a time.#also barely relevant but who was the lady Tenzin was seeing before his wife. im so curious#this man is so stiff howd he get TWO women falling for him like that??!#ALSO... the fact that ep 4 is so heavy on the fear and seriousness. then ep 5 is just like. oh no! love triangles!#hfkshfksd ive been enjoying some of the show but rn i am so annoyed by it hfkshfkd#i will stay strong... i will... it will be worth it to stick it out....... I Will...!!!!#fanny watches lok
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// there is no way people are saying the puzzles in Amanda the Adventurer are too difficult i-
#ooc : tear away the mask#// we are DOOMED#// between this and people complaining that zoochosis was too vague with its directions and needed more guidance#// .....after literally complaining that r.esident e.vil and f.ar c.ry doing that was ���tacky” and “too obvious” and “clashed with the a.es#// like. just shut the fuck up lmao#// i am TIRED of “gamer opinions”#// the games arent bad#// gamer bros and gaming “critics” are just illiterate. refuse to read instructions. and refuse to think critically about the stories share#// the games arent the problem. the problem is the stereotypical demographic that games appeal to cant handle when stories arent about them#// if them being superior and flawless is not the point of the story. if their experiences and views are not the spotlit “good side”#// then they automatically view the media as garbage. bc it's “woke” bc it's “dei” bc its “snowflake safespace“ bc ”trigger warnings“#// or whatever new buzzword the pipeline is spoonfeeding them to denigrate the people they actively view as lesser than them#// due to the continued culture of bigotry that permeates and festers in gaming and media circles#// simply put- when you're accustomed to privilege equality and representation feels like the threat of oppression#// theyre not the center of attention anymore. so they take that as them being erased without seeing the irony#// im rambling but my god “hardcore gamers” piss me off#// die in the game AND for real actually-
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok
#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink#and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time#so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas#and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW#and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme#i WILL trust i swear#if not i kill myself#jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too#ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea#i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention#anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him#now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth#the only homework ive got is reading a few pages#i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about#come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT#forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying#iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant#actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics#if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs#new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist#i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work#well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier
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No because Zhao speculating felt like such a
Looks into the camera
"I bet you're wondering why that happened. ;) heres maybe a reason ebina was deep..."
moment
no literally- like other antags' endgame Deep Moment scenes worked because there was SOME build up throughout the game to key us in on them from a deeper level but it just doesnt work with ebina
#iw spoilers#spoilers#snap chats#a big part To Me really is because hes just an aoki clone like its really not something to look over when its so half-assed#they did have his flashback and backstory but like .. i repeat it just feels like such a lame plot twist ...#a plot twist that could have been really interchangeable ... before i get into the orphan-under-kazama rant again..#YK1 nishiki got his build up from watching his added backstory scenes and even the scenes with yumi in the beginning#yk where its clear yumi gives more attention to kiryu#ryuji .. ok i mean tbf he was majorly there to fuck around he wasnt trying to be overly deep but even he still has his issues#HE STILL AT LEAST HAD A PRESENCE and even so his moment with kaoru was real sweet .. big bro ryuji my beloved im cryin ...#like a character doesnt have to be OVERLY deep to be fun/enjoyable i love ryuji ... hi king ... im getting off topic ....#MINE-- //is pulled off stage before i get into it//#and aoki is built up from the arakawa's accounts of him coupled with his Dog Eats Dog mentality and esp that NYE flashback#that shot of the No Dumping sign lives in my mind forever .... so good im going to kill myself thinking bout aoki bye ...#im rambling point is Do Better RGG what happened. the stories and characters had been bangers from 0 to 7 to gaiden and then. ???
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I KNEW IT
FUCK
#THE DAMN ADHD MEDS#YOU FUCKERFSSSSS#IM NOT SURE IF I ACTUALLY H A V E ADHD NOW I KIGHT JUST BE TAKING OPIODS#THERES A LOT OF THINGS HAPPENING IN MY BRAIN I THINK THE ADHD WAS A CATCHALL THAT WASNT A CATCHALL#when i got diagnosed it said i had it but idk if that’s cause i said i think i do or if they genuinely tested for it#cause now I’m thinking my symptoms were shit like not paying attention (autism and my inability to make myself do shit I don’t wanna do) and#not being able to do things (without having a reason to without having a routine) (also autism)#dam n#or I’m bullshitting it and I feel like shit cause I stayed up till one am looking at blinkies and moving shit around on my laptop#and then drawing a mta. for some reason#this sucks bro
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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If you see this no you don't
#vent#so like. bro im so fucking lonely#and im feeling really unloved and kind of ignored and it fucking sucks#im so fucking like. frustrated and tired and sad like i jusy want. a little bit of attention#and maybe for someone to let me know im not doing everything wrong yk#idk maybe im just feeling really sensitive right now#still itd be nice to feel like im not talking to a brick wall or have someone acknowledge what im saying or#SOMETHING#and god like. god im so fucking scared i dont want to mess things up bc im like. really good at doing that#messing things up i mean. especially with friends#its fine its fine its fine kve got things to look forward to im fine its fine im fine im fine im fine#journal art
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*o*
#ok sorry i've done my best to not obsessively talk abt this every single day for the past TWO months but.....#i just wanna eat normally again bro#i wanna eat healthy stuff bc i can always FEEL how much my body appreciated it and it gives me energy#i also wanna eat more unhealthy things just bc they're yummy and thats ok sometimes too#and i want chocolate bro.. im dying from chocolate deficiency#but anyway it is 1) extremely boeing to eat the same things every single day for 8 weeks#but 2) i can feel that i dont get enough nutrition. im super tired and dizzy and short of breath. also i am sooooo fkn cold#3) it is mentally exhausting to get home and be like damn im so tired i just wanna eat cereal but nope i have to make my bland food#i am just sick and tired of this. esp bc it takes SO long to get medical attention. so for rn i am not even certain it is gallstones#and what do i get as a treatment if it is??? like should i just live like this forever now?? will i have to wait months for a surgery?#what if it isnt gallstones??? what if they cant find out whats wrong? so it is not only the waiting it is the uncertainty#but most of all. im so hungry all the time and i dont wanna think abt what im eating anymore. i just wanna eat normally broooo fml
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the first time my mother and i ever talked about it was after i tried and more or less failed to attend the calling hours for the mother of a school classmate who’d passed away. it was in ninth grade. and we got into the funeral home and i’d been lucky and never really been in one that i could remember anymore so i had no social script and it didn’t occur to me until we’d left but the thing that was fucking me up the most was the idea that i would have to see and interact with someone i saw every day in normal contexts (gym class, CCD, the bus) in a Grief Context and i didnt know how to be normal with him ever again because there were like, no established ground rules for that that i knew of and at this funeral home i just got. SLAMMED with the most massive and impenetrable wave of nonverbal that i’ve still ever experienced in my life, and i’m in there sweating and shaking and incapable of communicating why i’m being weird when it’s not my relative’s funeral and i basically only knew the woman from church. and mom puts our names in the guest book and gets us back out to the car pretty quickly and once i’ve come down a bit from the Edge Of Meltdown she’s like so i’d been meaning to talk to you about this at some point but it seems relevant now i have suspected for many years that you might be autistic. and at the time it was such a relief to have somebody else say it that i was like oh wow thank god i’m not insane for also thinking that. but in retrospect i’ve always been like, fuck, and you just didn’t mention it? nice nice nice that’s cool that hasn’t affected me you’re good you’re good what the fuck
anyway after that we sought out NO psychologists and did NO accommodations and it was only ever talked about between us as A Thing You And I Both Know but it never factored into all the things i still needed and just about every work-around i have is still something i had to develop myself
#in more recent years ive come to also observe that my mother hits many many hallmarks for adhd but she'll never question this herself#because she has a different concept of what that means so she'll never be able to apply such a word to herself without feeling#like real bad about it bro#there's not a neurotypical brain in my whole family which isnt surprising looking at our genetic history but she's not allowed to see it#because she's always been The Normal One#in a household filled with bipolar disorder and attention disorders and autistic people and depressed bastards . so she Has To Be Normal#i have no idea what i would be like if i hadnt spent my entire life just instinctively trying to be more Visibly Like Everyone Else#like i dont even think of it as masking it's just what was the obvious thing to do. you cant be visibly weird so you have to work at this#but also i am ABLE to do that. so i feel like i shouldnt bitch about how hard it was like what if i had never even been able to mask#wouldve been harder. no?#idk even to this day im like but my experience is not as difficult as some people's and i dont have a real diagnosis#so i shouldnt feel i can speak to these things#idk
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whenever i post drawings on my twitter i barely get attention, probably because its not trendy stuff or because hashtags dont work and while i mostly draw for myself and for fun, i wont deny it makes me feel a little bummed out. but at the same time do i really want to get attention or more followers? it would probably stress me out or make me feel unconfident about what i do or post. its my inner struggle, i want people to see my content but at the same time i don't.
#posting my art makes me feel embarrassed cuz its all self indulgent and not exactly great#but at the same time im like. i know im cringe. but im free#i guess i feel embarrassed cuz i explain things about my drawings but a part of my brain is like ''i doubt anyone cares about that bro''#i think thats why when i post stuff on my art sideblog i just write a little comment about the drawing and thats it.#i talk about this kind of stuff and then realize how fucking dumb i sound sorry#i do get attention on my tumblr sideblog and it makes me happy though. i really appreciate that ^_^#i guess its easier for my art to be seen on tumblr? cuz of the tags#twitter does really suck for that kind of stuff. and apparently the hashtags make it worse? i dont know what to believe anymore lmao#mucho texto perdón#samael.txt
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