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i realize how little i have in common with my peers simply because im not constantly on tik tok/instagram/facebook 👴
#first i just dont get 80% of the references bc i simply dont engage with them/im not curious enough about them#second new people or those that i know cant go 15 minutes without scrolling on their phone or texting#the few friends who would let me stay at their house would always sit on their phone the entire evening not really engaging with me#or trying to engage with me by showing me something they found on their phone.... girl-#i broke up with my last partner bc they were chronically online and wouldnt go to sleep without at least 1 hour of phone time in bed#im mainly complaining about the bed time phone usage thing bc it used to drive me crazy as an insomniac#and considering how many people do it just makes me completely disinterested in sharing a bedroom with other people#i am old so that must be it tho#i barely use my phone that thing can last 4 days on one battery charge (it's a good battery but still) despite my occasional yt usage#i like in person talking and i just think people lost touch with their social side the last few years :(#and it's hard for me to feel like im having an engaging conversation with someone if they're constantly checking their phone#it makes me feel really lowly of myself it hits my self-esteem hard bc this behavior shows me im too boring to have their attention#even tho they were the one to invite me over/go out with me... bro.#personal#delete later
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I found this on my phone, holy shit, I did it.
27th Feb 2017
This is becoming easier everyday, the ache in my chest doesn't even seem be there anymore.
Maybe, I'm just having a good few days.
But I only crave your attention in moments of weakness & then come to realise, other people will do a better job than you ever did. You wouldn't call, you wouldn't be there, not really.
But most of all I feel relief bc I'm finally allowed to focus on me & only me. And as lonely & isolating as that can be at times, so far I'm learning to embrace it.
I'm doing okay without you so far.
And the initial shock is over bc I knew it was never going to work out anyway, I knew it all along.
And even though I question how you're doing okay without me, I know it's just easier for both of us if we don't talk.
I'm even questioning if towards the end I even loved you, or just got used to the idea of you being around bc I'm really not as broken as I thought I'd be.
Maybe it will hit me, once the initial novelty of peace of mind wears off, only time can tell.
March 20th, 2017
Update:
It did/has hit me hard ever since I reached out to you again & seeked closure, reassurance, answers, to say goodbye to you in person.
I guess I just was asking to be hurt more, I wanted to feel horrible, to know for fact it definitely was over.
29th March
You always had that fucking front on, you always wanted to appear as something else.
You were two different people & I'm still questioning which was the real you. Wether you adapted for me, or I just broke down your walls. Wether you made yourself as much as you could, what you thought I wanted you to be or wether I saw the real you.
All I know is I made you get romantic & you wanted to show me how much you cared, through money. I didn't want that, I just wanted your love & affection & support & to be yours, you can't buy that.
You are such a lovely character the way you are, so full of life but you're still living to seek approval. And yes we all are a little bit, but you even more so. There's no fun in your life so you seek it in bad ways. I tried to show you what 'living' was, in my eyes. And it didn't hurt anybody.
You're such a beautiful person inside & out when you let yourself be. That's what frustrated me the most & I clung onto that. I was in love after all, still am.
I just wish people could of seen how much I melted you. You were so near perfect but also so godamn ugly. And I don't think any of my influence will stick by you. You had your set beliefs, 'I'm an arsehole' I'm this, I'm that. Like that's all that defined you. Like you had to live up to those labels to be yourself, that they couldn't be changed...? I pity you bc you could be magic, we maybe would had stood a chance...
But instead you left me so fucking damaged & more insecure than ever. I let myself be abused over & over.
But it's had me doing a lot of thinking/and reflecting. I like loving bc it's easy for me, I like to have control over someone like that & feel wanted & worth it.
So I should definitely love myself first.
Stop all these foolish games & grow the fuck up.
Learn self-love, self-respect, self-care. Gain some self-esteem.
Be my own lover. Bc people never love me to my standards anyway.
I built you up & dragged me down & I'm a fool bc you would have kept going & been a success regardless of me nurturing your ego.
You also saw all the potential in me & became just as frustrated as I am. I wanted you to figure it all out for me in the end.
I can't believe I didn't see how lowly I thought of myself.
But I want to prove me wrong. Also you... but I know how stupid that is of me but it can't be helped.
I just miss all the thrills, the attention, distraction. I hate missing you,knowing how badly you treated me, over & over. Making promises you could never keep.
Whoever loves you next is a fool. You're like everybody's next mistake, a piece of godamn art, full of charm & wit, with a beautiful mind, morals & godamn, can you make a girl feel special. Only to tear her down & build yourself up. Bc in the end, all you want is power. #thoughts
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