#breakup thoughts

[lils-words]

I spent months wondering why you did the things you did. i spent all my hours trying to wrap my head around possible reasons for the heartbreak you caused. I thought i knew you so well that i would be able to tell if your heart was no longer mine.

But these days, i dont think i ever truly knew you at all.

[flock-of-cassowaries]

The abusive [partner]’s problem with anger is almost always the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is:

YOUR ABUSVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGER. [They have] A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.

One of the basic human rights [they] take from you is the right to be angry at them.

- Lundy Bancroft, “Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, 2002. Available in PDF format here [archive.org link]

The gendered language really marks the book out as being 22 years old, but there are some very good insights in it - this one, in particular.

[marvelous-mushroom-lady]

Post Breakup Rant Incoming

I went through a break up late march and suddenly all of TS's songs make a terrible sense to me. I feel like this is my first true heart break, like he's the one that got away. I listen to Lizzy McAlpine music and it's not for fanfic inspo anymore.

I miss very simple things, like recognizing a show he might like and talk to him about it. I miss spending the weekend together in bed with his or my cats. I miss his two chubby cats. I miss his friends, they were all super nice to me and I felt like if we had more time we could become friends as well.

I miss seeing small things and trinkets that he would love. I miss telling him about my D&D sessions, planning games with him. I miss telling him about video games I liked and finding new ones we might play together.

This feels like friendship breakup on top of the regular breakup.

I'm currently changing my summer wardrobe and thinking how we were supposed to be moving in together around this time. I had to wait to see if we break up because my matress got too old and lumpy to sleep on. I told myself that if we move in I won't have to buy a new one.

Now I'm going to IKEA with my mom to look for a cheap option.

I'm buying my cat a new cat tree knowing she won't be sharing it with two older sisters. That she'll probably stay my only fur baby for a while.

I met him at a mutual friend hangout yesterday. I saw him but decided I'm too hurt to say Hi. I ignored him and felt good talking to different people. And then he came up to me and said hi himself. I don't know why he did that, why he thought it would be okay. He broke my facking adult lady heart and I made sure he knew it. I coldly replied and moved along. I texted him after I left that if he ever sees me at a geek event he shouldn't approach me. I was dying to see if he replies and what he'd say. A small part of me hoped he'd be angry or sad. But nope. Just texted me back a thumbs up emoji. I hate that I feel this way about so many small things. I feel like a teenager with a crush on a boy at school that didn't work out.

He broke up with me two times before, so this is just... I feel like I'm actively dealing with the clearest end of a relationship. This is a person that I could never go back to. We can never become friends. He's just going to turn into a stranger I never acknowledge, this person who at one time knew almost every small thing about me, and I knew about him.

All the jerky poetry and Jane Austen novels make sense, but this one is not getting back into my good graces with a well written letter. We already did that before. And I let him back in for almost a year. And the worst of it is, I feel like I don't know what would be worse - If he tries to get back despite promising me he wouldn't, or if he never wants to again. If he truly moves on from me and I won't really move on, just along.

I was so angry yesterday, partly because seeing him reminded me how broad and soft his shoulders are. How the last time we were at the park with his friends I'd constantly lean on him. How kind his eyes are. How great it was to kiss him casually, lightly. How at home that feeling was.

I really hope you get more than one 'soulmate' type love in your life. Because honestly, that feeling of comforting, homely love was the best while it lasted. Nothing less than that will be enough.

[loverockawaitsyou]

I was writing, and I’m not sure why, but while I was do so, something “snapped” within me. Snapped, that is, in a good way.

Admittedly, I have been feeling my lowest over the past couple of months. But somehow, when I was writing my characters’ story, I was working on a happy ending where they gain their autonomy, and choose to be true to themselves and also choose joy over over all.

In real life, sometimes that’s very hard to do.

I had to remind myself that choosing joy is an act of rebellion in itself when capitalistic societies pressure us to work until we die, or hustle and hustle and hustle at the expense of our emotional health, physical health, relationships, and more.

For me, I don’t want to wait until I accomplish X to do Y... I want to do it now, while I am still able. Our time here is precious, and I’ve already spent so much of my 30 years in situations that don’t serve me. That includes jobs, relationships, and other scenarios. Additionally, I am tired of being controlled and I am tired of being collateral damage in other people’s ego battles.

As I write, and as I am still working through the grief of lost time, lost opportunities, and lost relationships, I continuously remind myself that I will be OK. And I can’t let any of this turn me into a bitter person. I will press forward, and live my purpose, and do what serves my highest good.

[living-breathing-bibliophile]

Remember not to lower your standards just because you love someone. You can love so deeply, but you deserve to have someone look at you and compare you to every beauty this world has to offer.

[brassknucklespeirs]

It is a known fact in my mind that I am not the bad guy nor the villain in this story as doing something I had to do for the sake of the both of us is not selfish. And yet there is an overwhelming urge to ponder the question, if this was a movie, would I truly be well received by the public? Would anyone want to understand my motive of hurting the good guy for the sake of saving him more pain right before the end credits? Even if this was a movie, it would have only been a short film, yet the potential it held for more would never truly be unveiled as I stopped the cameras from rolling. Perhaps that will always play like it’s own movie in my head, haunting me. Perhaps that will always hurt.

- brassknucklespeirs

[pink-heart-writes]

[chuchaitiu]

Feeling safe in someone's energy is a different type of intimacy. That peace of mind and security is very underrated and I cannot emphasize this enough.

[bats-and-sunshine]

To be with someone who made me feel electric again was such an intense experience. I forgot how good sex can feel and how amazing our bodies are.

To relinquish my power and pleasure to someone else is something that I didn’t realize I needed. The brat/submissive in me missed that part of those encounters. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to being the more dominant partner again.

[deadeensayd]

i dont go here a lot but i just want to let this out.

you see, i went thru a break up (sadly i still am, in fact, going thru it) right after my birthday thus my inactivity on twitter (it’s me jann!!!) i spent the last 2 1/2 months crying, working on myself to heal and finding my rhythm again. been having checkups and lots and i say LOTS of labtests to find out what’s wrong with my body bcos i’ve been sick since last year that i ended up in an emergency room one december night lmao until one of the 4 doctors i talk to suggested i see a psychiatrist bcos she thinks it’s all in my mind LOL anyway. i’m doing better now, or at least i think i was. not until today.

it’s the first time today that i’m having a day off at work, having working my ass off for the past months, not allowing any nasty thoughts to affect how i function from everyday life. there are at least eight things i wanted to do for this day but for the life of me, i can’t pick one. or more liek i’m too overwhelmed to start any. i thought of sleeping in the afternoon but the moment i lied down on my bed, there’s just this unexplainable feeling in my chest, my heart was beating so fast that i can’t breathe properly and i feel like crying but the tears won’t come out. it felt like my chest was exploding. i was so restless so i thought maybe it’s just one of those heartburns caused by my gerd so i ordered lots of food for me and my family. i ate a lot. but the weird feeling in my chest won’t go away. an hour later my friend asked me if we can go out or make salad at their home, the thought was enjoyable and i can imagine myself having a good time i thought i was going to her and her partner’s abode but i found myself typing “sorry, can’t go… working on my sideline”, hit send and I CANT TAKE IT BACK ANYMORE so now i rly need to do my sideline work.

i cant focus working on my sideline so i said haha what if i listen to day6 again… they recently released a new album and there’s this one song that i really liked so i got curious and searched for the english translation.. WRONG MOVE. bcos the moment i read the translation the tears won’t stop flowing, i’m having flashbacks to all the good and bad times we had together and the realization that i can’t talk to this person anymore the way i did before just hit me. i just didn’t lose my lover, i lost my bestfriend too. i realized there are a lot of good and bad things i still want to share with them, but i can’t anymore. there are lots of pent up thoughts and feelings i have no choice but to keep to myself, bcos i know sharing those things w them would burden them. i feel so fucking lonely right now.

i thought i was healing. turns out i’m just distracted by my demanding work so the moment i am free from my responsibilities and i’m on my own, i have no choice but to face the fact that i have to live this life again without them. hahahahaha tangina.

[lils-words]

I hate that someday all of the memories of us being in love, doing reckless shit and taking on the world with each other will soon be something you recall to tell your future kids about me, the girl you so easily forgot while you ran to the girl you told me not to worry about.

[flock-of-cassowaries]

Happy 300-day Duolingo Japanese streak to me, and to the ex who said I gave up on everything.

It took me a long time to figure him out, but I finally got to the point where I can accurately articulate his problem:

毎晩彼はたくさんお酒飲みます

[peonysbreakup]

being called a “pick me” by your own ex is a different kind of pain

[sylvieactuallymakescontent]

Corvids, clowns, and circuses. The 1920's, beautiful handmade costumes, ballerinas. Kimonos, lolita, artistic dolls. Hullabaloo, mystery novels, lovely death. They all make me think of you. They always do. They always will. No matter what happens. The things you left in my heart will stay there along with you even if we never speak again. I hope you can say the same for me.

[timetravelsong]

𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.

excerpts from a book I’ll never write

[thefirstlivingart]

all this love i have refuses to die inside of me

@weatheredwritings on tumblr / vonko magno on flickr / troye sivan, one of your girls / virginia woolf, a letter to vanessa bell, august 1908 / @hannahlockillustration on tumblr / sara luisa kirk, begin here / fyodor dostoevsky, a letter to anna gregorevna dostoevsky, may 1880 / archbudzar on instagram / jeanette winterson, lighthousekeeping (transcript under the cut) / caitlyn siehl / @wormbus-art on tumblr / jonathan safran foer, extremely loud and incredibly close / lidia yuknavitch, the chronology of water: a memoir / sleepy.corvid on instagram / @froody on tumblr / @borderlinejackiee on tumblr / always together 2, frrrankkky_art on instagram / andsome4747 on tiktok / arthur miller, the crucible / cheryl strayed, tiny beautiful things: advice on love and life from dear sugar