#breaking (down) bad weekend
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im being so so brave but also i am gripping you by the shoulders and leaning in and letting you know i am so tired of being brave
#my job has invented new and even more agonizing ways to make itself stressful to endure#and that isn't even counting the fact that i've now seriously fucked up my wrist transporting 30lb boxes up and down stairs#or the fact that i occasionally get piercing shoulder pains if i'm not super careful about how i use the hand truck#or the fact that whenever i come home on mondays my entire lower body is so sore that i can't move beyond a weak shuffle#it's the fact that my boss has no sense of organization#so my supervisor and i are basically salvaging or starting from scratch every week#it's the fact that some of our clients are asking for things we're not even contracted to provide#like access to our company materials or additional resources outside of our scheduled bookings#and that there's this constant looming threat of 'ohhh don't be bad at your job!! or else we'll lose our contract with these people!!'#but 'bad at your job' in this case means 'not bending over backwards to accommodate the least accommodating circumstances possible'#like 'hey you need to lead this training exercise meant for 20 people except actually you only have 4 people'#'and actually none of them are familiar with the prerequisites for this training or have any experience with the skills'#'and also none of them want to be there and half of them just Don't Do These Things as a rule'#'and if you try to make them do anything they don't want to do (even if it's literally the point of the training) they Will leave'#'and then we will no longer have enough clients to pay you'#like. what am i doing. this company was not designed to work with this format. we're not an arts and crafts group or a club meeting#hi so i wrote this post before starting weekend work prep#it has been 3 hours now#im still not done#i haven't eaten and my wrist hurts so bad#i need to.................. take a break................................
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jesse. giving head. early morning sleepy. somno? >:3
jesse pinkman x gn!reader; smut, mentions of oral (m receiving), somno, established consent, slight mentions of jesse's prev drug use
As slow tendrils of pleasure crawl up his spine, Jesse nuzzles deeper into your pillow, taking in the faint scent of your shampoo. His whole body tingles, nerve endings alight, and if he were home alone on his springy mattress, he’d know it was some effect from whatever he smoked the night before. But he’s in your bed, completely sober, and yet there’s something building in his gut, growing stronger with each passing second.
Suddenly, the haze of sleep washes away in one fell swoop, and a raspy groan leaves his mouth before he can stop it, the instinctive action one step ahead of his mind processing what’s happening. It isn’t until his lashes flutter open and his eyes focus on you, curled up at the end of the bed with your cheek pressed to the softness of his inner thigh, that his thoughts click into place. He’s almost fully hard and your lips are ghosting the outline of his clothed cock, close enough so he can feel the little exhale you let out when you see he’s awake.
“W-what…” His voice is hoarse and he clears his throat before continuing. “Are you… Were you about to suck me off?” Jesse finally asks, unable to stop his lips from curling into a lazy smile. The roles had been reversed more times than he could count and he’d almost mastered making you cum before you were even awake, tongue working you to the edge so effortlessly after months of practice.
“Mhm,” you reply, pushing forward to kiss him through his boxers. “Wanted to try.” You whisper the admission so quietly he almost misses it, and he reaches down to pat the top of your head with his bony fingers. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” you tell him, and his hand falls to trace the shell of your ear as you shift between his thighs, eyes blown wide with lust.
“‘S alright,” Jesse reassures, biting his lip as you begin pulling his cock free, feeling it pulse hot and heavy against your palm. “I wanna watch.”
| breaking (down) bad weekend
(if anyone knows whose gif this is pls lmk so i can credit them!!)
#jesse pinkman#jesse pinkman smut#breaking bad#breaking bad smut#jesse pinkman x reader#jesse pinkman fanfic#jesse pinkman imagine#jesse pinkman drabble#breaking bad imagine#breaking bad drabble#answered#breaking (down) bad weekend#mutuals: f1nalboys#t: writing
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If I had to describe the mood, it really is like when you grow up with an abusive parent; and there are bad days where you're just willing for them to go to work and be gone all day so you don't have to hear them yelling and slamming shit
#That plus mixed with like#Slightly more adult feelings of unspoken resentment bubbling under the surface#And complicated webs of need#Like I need a place to live - so as not to be homeless#You need - idk question mark? To feel heard and valued#Okay but like talking down to the adults in the house and plus the eighteen year old#Talking to everyone in an insulting babying voice#Because youre JUST TRYING TO BE CLEAR#It sucks man#Its been all weekend and yeah I was just like please go to work please go to work#And like I love my sister and my nieces but this environment is nothing but passive and active harm#And micro- to macro-aggression masquerading as control#And like when is the breaking point?#You really like.#Lose a LOT of your goodwill and empathy even for someone you love#When they react the same harmful ways that#Even the youngest child has pointed out is harmful! is negative! makes them feel bad!#But they just keep acting and lashing out bc they arent being heard#Bc SHES tired SHE didnt sleep SHES anxious she#You know?#Like to make your reactions to stimulus everyone in the houses triggers is#And to not try to find outlets to help make things better for everyone#Rather to say every time IM SUCH A BITCH IM SOOO SORRY. I SHOULD JUST. STOP. TALKING#Fuck man#I need my own space#(I need to drive off a bridge)#I just need to find a space away from all of this drama in this house man#Sorry this is a lot but i wouldnt be able to express this much feeling to anyone#Nor do I feel like I have a right to inflict my stupid bullshit life problems and whiny emo shit on anyone#Long tags are long
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don't mind me, i'm just crying listening to vienna and thinking about ollie…….
#ollie darling…. when will you realize ferrari waits for you?#this weekend still feels very surreal to me…. did that actually happen? did ollie actually drive f1 and score points??#sorry but the song just screams ollie#'slow down you crazy child; you're so ambitious for a juvenile' him being dissatisfied with quali when he's up against literal legends#'you better cool it off before you burn it out' the pressure……#'slow down you're doing fine; you can't be everything you want to be before your time'#i just wanna grab his shoulders and shake him like 'you're doing so well!! relax a little!! we're proud already!!!'#'you got your passion; you got your pride. but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?'#heart breaking slowly but surely……#cant tell if i want to write a standalone fic abt him based on the song or if i just wanna include it in my jeddah chapter of perfectly fine#had a rlly bad day so i probs won't answer my asks but i'll do it soon! promise!
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I’m always so fascinated by people’s bad roommate stories. I’m not sure I’ll ever live with someone I haven’t vetted extensively beforehand ever again
#every living situation where i’ve been assigned roommates randomly; i always seem to get one person who is an absolute angel#and 1-2 people who are honestly fucked up#i lived in halls 1 year of undergrad and everyone was kind of equally insane. honestly no one stood out as particularly bad#because everyone was just constantly screaming. i dealt with it by going home most weekends and getting noise cancelling headphones#3rd year of undergrad i lived in a suite which.. honestly was basically an apartment. had a living room/kitchenette; a toilet; a shower room#and 4 bedrooms#one of my roommates i’m still friends with to this day but honestly they were and are kind of a ridiculous person#like they were actively dealing drugs most of the year and their boyfriend was around most of the time and they would bone LOUDLY#and that’s the good roommate. so you can imagine the other two#one of the others.. honestly wasn’t a bad roommate; she was helpful and clean and civil#she was loud as hell though. she used to have attacks of insomnia and decide to rearrange her furniture at 3 in the morning#and we shared a wall. she also had an illegal pet rabbit.#our personalities just didn’t mesh well; like it became clear pretty fast that we were going to spend as little time together as possible#third roommate was loud; rude; annoying and gross. she’d be calling people at 7am just to yell down the phone to them about her problems#i was like who is picking up the phone to this bitch. she also picked up on my homosexual vibes in that way that homophobic straight girls#always seem to have; and was convinced i had a crush on her. and she bought a betta fish (allowed according to dorm rules) and then it died#because she didn’t want to take care of it properly. and she refused to do anything for herself#like she was always breaking shit and leaving it because she didn’t want to email or call maintenance. so then i’d have to do it#because it was always something we specifically shared. like a set of shelves she put a fucking 5lb shampoo bottle on. twice.#in grad school it was almost the same thing. one angel roommate who was kind of messy but otherwise fantastic#she rolled the best joints i have ever seen. and i still miss her cat cali#it was the men that were the problem. one was an international student who left after a month and bothered nobody#like to the point i didn’t notice when he moved out because he was so innocuous#the other two though….. so one of them started hooking up with my favourite roommate and immediately became SUPER annoying#the other one stole shit; left lights on all the time; left fridge and cupboard and freezer doors open; tried to guilt trip me#into giving him my weed; played mariah carey at 2am; never bought a single cleaning product or household item for the collective#unless you told him to…… he was even using my toothpaste at one point. like. sir.#oh and he was always dirtying other people’s dishes and cookware and leaving them in the sink for days. and leaving big chunks of food#in the sink. it was fucking gross#personal
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yup. im gonna quit
#i was desperately looking forward to having a three day weekend after cancelling my leave from work twice now#and being overworked to the bone#just three days. one friday and a weekend is all i asked for#and instead im being put to work on sunday :) for the 24 hour shift :) and no one can switch with me#im gonna break down sobbing im this close to it#fuck this system fuck this work fuck everything#im gonna quit ive saved up enough to survive a while just. fuck the healthcare system#for treating doctors like tools without a life#delete later#tw vent#hell the way i see it ill either quit or die#i cant take the constant shifts and being piled work on top of more work bc 'im dependable'#im not nearing my breaking point i AM at the breaking point#fuck this system and medicine and psychiatry i dont care i DONT#ive not clocked out on time in weeks#weeks! ive had to cover for lazy fucking asses whod go on two and three week holidays#and i had to cancell mine and felt bad for taking 4 days off TWO months ago!!#fucking insane i hate this im.#idek who to vent to my friends got their own issues#idk ignore me ill delete this
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headache day 2 😍😍😍😍🤩🥳🥳🥳🥳🥰😍🥰🥰🥰
#purrs#im so fucking frustrated. finally have a break longer than just a weekend and half of it goes down the drain anyway bc im not feeling well.#i slept solidly and for a long time but it literally did nothing. it’s just as bad as yesterday
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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hate to say it but july kinda sucked
#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month#first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one#generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months#wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass#that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own#the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed#and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn’t seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk’s solo and everything around it it's just not really for me#and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try#and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let’s move on and hope for the best#SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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one of the Bad Feelings is when you're having a real body dysphoria moment and you gotta pack for a trip
#visiting a dept friend over the weekend#choosing clothes is like ''how bad am i going to feel in any of these''#the answer: probs bad#i maybe picked a bad time to visit from an embodiment standpoint#she's a fitness trainer and likes to talk about weight loss and macros#i am...me...and look...Like This...#trying to figure out which items won't make me want to claw off my own skin#don't think i'm being successful#yesterday was a dr appt and they weighed me#today the colleague came over to pick up some clothes#and she stripped down in my living room to try them on#and between those two things...i feel profoundly unattractive and Gross#''you shouldn't compare your body to other people'' yeah well you try breaking an almost 30 yr old reflex
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there is something inherently tragic yet freeing about knowing that, even though you didn't get what you needed when you were younger, it's still possible to build that life for yourself as an adult.
you're not trapped or destined for loneliness. you can always build. again and again and again, as many times as you need to. the love and the freedom and the kindness and the connection, it's all waiting for you. you'll get there.
#was spiraling pretty bad this weekend#its been a year and a half since my brother died#my mom is going through another psychotic episode unfortunately and isnt really all there#my dad is trying but hes also not supportive of me being trans so theres some contention there#my car keeps breaking down#my cat got out of my apartment last night and scared me half to death; thankfully rescued her from the street before she got too far#a horse died really traumatically two weeks ago at the ranch (literally bled out all over me)#and all of these things put together meant that i felt so fucking powerless and hopeless.#i felt like life had given me a bad hand#and i was just suffering for no reason#BUT#i realized at some point that there *are* things i have control over#like being kind to myself and others#being courageous despite the fears#feeding and washing myself and tending to my plants#playing games and completing pretty puzzles and reading good books#finding sea glass at the beach#a new favorite song#getting a big ol bear hug from my roommate#everything is hard but there is good. there is still good and its worth finding and building#trying to remind myself of this every day#text
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Can we get a picture of your rats?
🥺 the fellas............
Watson is the tan and white one, Cricket is the black and white, they're my older boys almost I've had for 1.5 years. Franklin is the black one with white socks and Maurice is the albino, they're my new guys I got a few months ago. The young fellas are SO DIFFICULT to get pictures of though, their zoomies are too strong. But yeah all four are named after those DNA scientists and they are the lights of my life actually
#cricket came down 2 weeks ago with a BAD respiratory infection. crashed in the span of 24 hours#started him on double antibiotics and he got better for a few days but then crashed again#increase the dose and he got better for a few days but then crashed again#started antibiotics in a nebulizer and he was better over the weekend but I just got home and he's looking bad again#I have a horrible gut feeling I'm going to have to make a decision this week#my og baby boy is breaking my heart but theres nothing else the vet can do#rats#thanks for the ask man going through all my pictures put a smile on my face#gottahaveguts
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no thoughts head empty only kaeya 3.8 free skin and finally a hangout event for him
#kayleigh.txt#down bad horrendous even though i’m sick of genshin and taking a break after 3.8 lmao#i will be taking a break from genshin to focus on hsr / eso / skyrim tbqh#at least until ayato and/or albedo get another rerun which won’t be for a very long time apparently#but fortunately kaeya is still my number one blorbo#it has been over a year and i may have cooled on genshin but i sure haven’t cooled on him (pun intended)#(tbh i am terrified that someday soon i will but i very much hope not)#ANYWAYS i am gonna have a snack and then hopefully pass tf out asap bc i gtg to work tomorrow#weekend shifts are my favorite shifts
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anyway yesterday i had this huge break down like sobbing screaming throwing my self on the floor the whole 9 yards and it sounds like outtakes from the midsummer scene and any guess what started it. my dad asked me to buy rotisserie chicken
#personal#obviously lots of context but super funny#especially bc when i was throwing myself around i got a HUGE fucking bruise on my thigh#anyway my weekend was not good. personally#on thursday i went to like 4 stores and was looking for coffee (dad didn’t remember the name) and rotisserie chicken for my dad and his#dog. which i know bad but you have not tried having and elderly blind somewhat lost his mind or mostly it man as ur father for most ur life#you learn to just go with it#and during all of this i’m getting nothing but assholes on the road#like in the morning when i got breakfast for dad and i some lady cussed me out when i wouldn’t reverse into a drive through#and then after the first store some guy nearly hit me backing out of a parking space bc he was going super fast and turned around JUST to#flip me off. and i’m already annoyed bc i didn’t even want to run this errand for a fucking dog but it’s my dad so i keep going#so hit 3 more stores ask my dad if he remembers the coffee name (he requested i call him at the store) he did but it’s too expensive#(i offer to get it firmly but he’s freaking out) i leave and then my mom calls me and gets annoyed at me for not buying it anyway#go to the next store. the shit my dad just told me is to expensive is like 6 bucks more here and it’s too busy to go back to the other some#and i’m so upset but it’s only sale so small win. didn’t find the chicken anywhere#dad and mom start fighting when i get back and it’s so fucking frustrating#anyway that took over 2 hours and was very upsetting then the next day my dad is like#can you go back again 🥺 and i do but not before that huge break down#which during i was like did not know it upset me that much. but anyway ends with me getting locked in my room bc my dad#is coming over to give me batteries not even checking on or hearing the yelling and im naked and im so fucking upset that i don’t even have#a door anymore and it’s middle/high school again and i’m makes and crying and i don’t have a door and everyone’s allowed to come in whenever#naked and crying#bc it doesn’t matter wrre family and im so angry and i lock myself in start slamming on the door and my dads like what can i do and he can’t#see then i just rip the broken door knob from the door in sheer anger and then i spend the next two hours sobbing while looking for chicken#for my dad. did not find it btw. like some time looking for chicken some getting gas then food#so funny i texted my mom during it and she thought i was going to our usual store and texted me things she needed#and i only realized while inside the store i was actually in and started silently sobbing and hyperventilating bc my mom wanted me to go to#another store and she just promised this wouldn’t happen again and there’s no fucking chicken here#anyway i’ve been camping my room bc i don’t want to talk to my dad im not mad at him or anything but i just can’t do the last couple days#and my mom was really nice yesterday about it after hearing me sob and didn’t even give me shit when i said im staying hometoday l8r maybe?
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The sense of victory in culling my queue down to less than 100 posts is marred only by the posts sacrificed to the delete button along the way. 😔
I think I’m going to take a little social media break for a few days & let my queue run low. So if I don’t poke my head in at some point, I hope you all have a great rest of your week!!!
#🎃 cryptid sighting#Been feeling a bad case of the blahs so it’s time for a break#I’ll be back next week (or possibly by this weekend if I’m feeling refreshed by then)#We’ll see if I have anything ready for Half-o-ween on the 1st/2nd.#But I’m proud:#Down to 91 queued posts from over 200 - whoo!!!#Drafts however … we don’t talk about how many posts are sitting in draft purgatory
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