#brain on fart mode

[bartruto]

i’m supposed to be able to get this certificate in 6 months and i’m already on my third month what drastic change will i make to accomplish it hm

[clownkiwi]

itd be really funny if i held a homestuck related stream like RIGHT after the homestuck day rather than on it

[deludedwomen]

i literally love so many interests but i hate going out of my way to like talk about it to friends LIKE IDK I FEEL STUPID i cant ever formulate my words in a way i feel adds anything to the conversation i wanna ramble about my interests in the way my friends are able to but i just cant in the same way because i dont have my own opinions im just a regurgitater of info i agree with if that makes sense

its so frustrating sometimes when i WANT to talk about an interest so bad but im just not able to like wjat am i supposed to do other then look at fanart and maybe read acouple fanfics. like wjat else is there for me to do....

[irisintheafterglow]

in a world of boys, he's a gentleman

summary: a creep walks up to the shake stand window. your favorite customer scares him off. (college au!iwaizumi x you)

wc: 1.9k

cw/tags: college!au iwaizumi, creepy dude but he gets scared off don't worry, buff iwa gets nervous around you

note: so there's a protein shake stand like right outside my school's gym and that's where the inspiration for this little brain fart came from. also this is wholeheartedly dedicated to @shotorus my favorite iwa simp. i really hope you like this, it's my first time writing for your man but it most definitely will not be the last :D

likes, replies, and reblogs are appreciated <3

You didn’t anticipate finding a gym crush outside of the student rec center. Yet, there he was, every day at 5:00 passing the stand and every day at 6:30 ordering his usual, strawberries and bananas with chocolate protein powder. It’s a wonder how strictly he stuck to his schedule and you made it a point to have his order queued up in the system by the time he got to the window. To your detriment, it seemed that your infatuation had become obvious enough to your usually-oblivious coworkers. 

“At this point, I think you took this job just to ogle him,” one of your friends points out as she runs a colander of fruit under the faucet. You give her a lighthearted glare and she flicks a few water droplets at you. “I’d guess you like seeing him more than the tips that other guys put in the jar. You really do so much for this company,” she says patronizingly and you roll your eyes. She had a point; you tended not to notice the phone numbers written on dirty napkins or social media handles hastily drawn on dollar bills. None of them interested you. None of them, except for the dude with a body like a Greek hero that made you want to get kidnapped by some mythological being. 

“I just think he has a nice physique; is that such a bad thing?” She shoots you a skeptical look and you turn away sheepishly to check the clock. Thirty seconds to 6:30. “He should be here in a little bit,” you say quietly to yourself, hoping she doesn’t hear. It’s a nice sentiment, but ultimately futile. 

“You’re counting down the seconds? Man, you’re worse than I thought.” She pats your shoulder sympathetically as she passes behind you and you lean your hands on the register counter. 

“As if you’ve never had a gym crush before,” you fire back. 

“You’re supposed to actually be inside the gym to have a gym crush,” she reminds you and you groan. “Why don’t you just switch your shift so you can see him while you workout?”

“I tutor before this, remember? Plus, I need to be able to charm the evening regulars so I can keep paying rent,” you admit. She nods in understanding and a glance at the clock shows ten seconds until 6:30. Your other usuals had come and gone for the day: the guy in the blue tank top that only seemed to work his forearms and biceps, the girl with the silly socks that had the most muscular calves you’d ever seen, the two frat bros with their backwards caps and arrogant voices. It hits 6:30, however, and your favorite regular isn’t behind the glass. He isn’t anywhere around, you realize. You can’t help the frown that draws the corner of your mouth down and, when you look to your coworker for support, she merely shrugs before grabbing a tub of powder from the top shelf. “It’s odd that he isn’t here yet.”

“Only you would think that,” she teases and you refocus on pulling up his usual order on the payment screen. “Maybe he got sick. There’s that frat flu going around right now.”

“Why would he be in a frat, though? And also, he’s definitely the type to wipe the hell out of every machine he uses.”

“If he uses machines; personally, he strikes me as a free weights-only kind of guy.” Before you can reply, a knock on the glass startles you back into customer-service mode. The man in front of you looked relatively normal, but the way his eyes looked you up and down several times made your stomach queasy. It wasn’t the first time creeps had checked you out through the window, but maybe you were feeling a little extra vulnerable waiting around for a regular who didn’t even know your name. Avoiding the man’s intrusive gaze, you shakily pull up his order, swipe his card for payment, and let him know that his shake would be ready soon. 

“I have a question,” he says slowly before you can run and hide in the back. “What time are you out of here?”

“I’m not done for a while,” you state vaguely, praying that he wouldn’t ask about the remaining two and a half hours of your shift. “I work until closing.”

“I can come back and get you when you close.” His voice makes your skin crawl and his eyes feel like knives on your body.

“Excuse me?”

“Let me take you out to dinner. A nice looking person like you shouldn’t be alone at night.” Your heart drops into your stomach and your feet remain rooted to the floor, terrified in place. Was he gonna try to do something after you were off?

“Look, I’m not interested in any–”

“Hey, man. Are you done ordering yet? You’re holding up the line,” intrudes a voice that feels like a warm blanket wrapping around your shoulders. Somewhere between his usual order time and the creep asking you out, your favorite little crush came to stand in line to pay. His shoulders seemed extra broad today and the muscle of his biceps flexed under his compression shirt as he crossed his arms over his chest, staring daggers down at the guy who was freaking you out. He’d never looked so handsome, all sharp jawline and flexed muscles and piercing eyes. The creep recoils and scurries away, allowing you to take a deep breath that helps relieve some of the tension in your forehead. By pure muscle memory and running on adrenaline, your fingers swipe over the tablet and pull up his usual order before he can even say hello. 

“Strawberry and banana with chocolate protein powder, right?”

“Yeah, that…that’s mine,” he says, slightly taken aback by the lingering expression of panic on your face. While he eyes you warily, you swipe his card and hand him his receipt, suddenly desperate to just disappear into the back for the rest of your shift. “Hey, are you okay?”

“What? No, yeah. I’m fine, totally fine,” you lie and give him a weak smile. His eyebrows furrow slightly and you can feel him try to analyze you, but not in the dehumanizing way as your previous customer. His eyes searched your expression worriedly and you caught him biting skin from his lip in concern. “It’s just that the guy before you was being a little weird.” Calling him “weird” was an understatement, but you didn’t want to inconvenience him more than you already have. “I’m fine, really.” He watches you for a moment more and then nods, murmuring a thank you under his breath and finding a spot to wait for his shake. 

“This fell on the floor by the trash can,” he says plainly when he walks up to the pickup window after you call out his drink. The creepy guy hadn’t left the area yet, so your fight or flight instincts were still going haywire. Your gym crush, however, momentarily takes your attention by subtly sliding a dirty piece of paper across the counter to you as he picks up his cup with the other hand. “Thanks; I’ll see you tomorrow.” Before you can blink, he’s gone, leaving you with a cryptic folded message that makes your head spin. You sputter out an awkward farewell and hastily unfold the piece of paper. 

I’ll be studying in the computer lab until the stand closes. If he’s still bothering you, come find me and I’ll walk you to your car or your dorm or wherever. -Iwaizumi Hajime 

A sturdy rectangle of plastic falls from the paper and you stare at it in disbelief. It was an ID card for the university’s after-hours patrol division with his picture, full name, and student number printed on it. Iwaizumi, you echo mentally, you’re too good to be true. And, true to his promise, he’s a respectful distance away and stands with his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants at 9:00 when you lock up the shake stand. You’d lost sight of the creep an hour after Iwaizumi picked up his drink, but the paranoia didn’t leave your body and you’re only able to relax when he approaches you. 

“This is yours,” you say, handing him his ID card with a small smile. “Thank you for looking out for me.”

“Of course. I’m sorry you had to deal with him,” he replies regretfully, uncomfortably adjusting his water bottle tucked into the crook of his elbow. “None of the guys at the gym like him. He’s always hitting on girls and giving them weird looks.” 

“Looks like he was forced to look outside the gym, then,” you laugh lightly, feeling the tension release from your shoulders as you walk next to Iwaizumi in the direction of the parking lot. “Did your drink still taste okay? Or did my nervousness make it taste funny?” When he chuckles, it sounds like sunshine. 

“It was just as tasty as it always is, thank you. You’ve really figured out how to make me the perfect drink every time.”

“Anything for my favorite customer,” you say without hesitation and your face feels like it’s been lit on fire. To your surprise, however, it seemed that Iwaizumi was just as flustered by your words. His eyes widen and his pretty mouth gapes a little bit, blinking rapidly to fix the short circuit in his brain. “I just hope he doesn’t come around here again. He makes my stomach churn.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he forces out and he’s silent for a while until your car is in sight. “Hey, sorry if this is super off-base, but do you wanna workout with me sometime? I can change the time I go but, if it means you don’t feel scared by that guy anymore, I’ll gladly rearrange my schedule.” 

“You want me to workout with you?”

“I’d like to meet you for lunch sometime, too, but I figured I’d start with baby steps,” he admits, running a hand nervously through his hair while you fish your keys from your bag. “If you don’t want to, that’s totally fine–”

“No, no, I’d love to,” you reassure him and he looks visibly relieved. “I’ll change up my shift so you can still go around the same time you usually do, and I can just meet you outside. I’ve been needing a new spotter since mine picked up extra shifts in the library.” 

“Great, yeah, awesome,” he says, a little dumbfounded by how eagerly you would give him a chance. If he was being honest, he’d wanted to ask you your name for months since you memorized his order, but he didn’t want to come off as pushy and ruin his chance with you. “Do you, uh, mind if I give you my number? Or I can give you a social media handle too if you’re not comfortable sharing your number.” God, he’s so good. He is so, so good. “Can you let me know you get home safe?”

“I will,” you promise. “Thank you for everything, Iwaizumi.”

“You can call me Hajime, if you want,” he offers softly and the fondness in his voice makes your heart flip. “Iwaizumi is fine too. Anything is fine.” 

“Right,” you smile. “Well, goodnight, Hajime. Get home safe.”

“You too. Talk soon, okay?”

“I can’t wait.”

if you enjoy my writing and would like to support me, you can buy me a coffee on my ko-fi! you can also check out my full masterlist here :)

[itsyagurlchip]

ask: @snipersiniora If so can i please request for a rottmnt family platonic one-shot of little sister reader and her family? Reader is as the same age as Mikey.

Where reader admits she's been secretly dating a yokai or mutant boy for months and she not only admit to it but asks if he can meet her family to see if he's good or not.

If you want to know the boyfriend is a keeper (good guy) but how reader's family react and do in the meeting is up to you.

٠ ˚ ※ ๋࣭ ᯓ⚝ ⋆ .˚✰Snitch Tendencies ٠ ˚ ※ ๋࣭ ᯓ⚝ ⋆ .˚✰

✰⋆⁺warnings: goofy shi(!) cussing (idk i didn't look/count) (!) too many references (!) boyfriend is very much like mondo gecko(!)

✰⋆⁺lmao you didn't see that- no one did (💀💀😭🤚🏾) whatever you think you saw, you were hallucinating. yes....um, welp, enjoy! It's a mix of a one shot and head cannons, sorta like Picky Icky but, yk, with a different plot.

imma just leave this here- cuz i feel bad about not being able finish this correctly without it sounding like a brain fart. but the new one is currently in construction!

✰⋆⁺"How did they know? Could've sworn that I was subtle. But there was the snitch, should've known he was trouble" Me and you both SpongeBob. nah, nobody but you. You were always bad at lying afterall

You were slowly crawling into lair- perfectly unsuspecting, the quietest of ninja foot steps, no one would ever-

aaaand, the lights just came on.

dear cookie crumbles.

"and WHAT were YOU doing on the topside AFTER CURFEW YOUNG LADY????" There sat a tall ass foot turtle, which is my brother mind you, is tapping his foot sassily against the ground. He also wore a scowl, damned sharpie, with an eye twitch (which would have been funny, had I not been in this situation).

"EEK! a-i- ummm- welp, uhhh- hi DeeDee!" I cringed after flinching so aggressively, smiling in a forced manner. No wonder it all seemed so perfect, damn it Donnie.

"NUH UH!! you dont get to 'DEeDeE' me! What in PizzaSupreme��� were you doing out so late!???"

"i-"

"You've been missing Mikey's meditation practices for strudle's sake!! Do you wanna know what it's like when he pops into Dr Delicate mode???" Donnie was pacing in rectangles, his two fingers massaging the skin that surrounds his brain.

damn his head is big.

"And you guys are best friends!" I involuntarily flinched mentally and physically. "Imagine how he would feel when he finds out that you've been- WAIT! what have you even been sneaking out for?"

annnnnnnddd there's the question

aw pork dumplings. I sighed deeply before opening my mouth, before closing it. Pursing my lips, i did it again as sound began to stutter out of my mouth.

"Well- ummm" I actually didn't know what to say, which is a bit unnerving, because I always have 'somethin to say' per Splinter. "errrm- e-e-i- d-" I tried- but the dude wouldn't even let me speak!

"You're not sans, and quit opening and closing your mouth, it's making your survival rate lower by the second." Donnie impuded. His eyes narrowed lower at my silence.

Well, what the heck?

"I have a boyfriend....and he's yokai" Donnie quit his pacing, and turned fully towards me like a mobile roblox player in 1st pov. I simply rocked back and forth as i waited for his brain to catch up with what is happening.

Donnie couldn't even believe what his ear holes were registering.

You mean to tell him, his little poor, innocent, younger sister was out MINGLING in this universe's equivalent to the underground!

Was he even good enough? i better not be a bum, or worse, a chad.

What even was he?

Oh chewy macaroons, he hoped that you aren't dating a witch-

non of that magic nonsense! (he's still salty about being incorrect and less-than professional at witch town.)

Do you use the chart that he made for you?

Because if that- eugh -boy is going to, court, you, he has to be the one.

and ooohhh if he breaks your heart...

lets just say that the hidden city's ip addresses will have a simple look through.

"huh..." Donnie blinked. His face went through a plethora of emotions. and then he made a face- oh god-

"WAI-" I tried. But it was no use- Donnie pulled a notebook and pen out and started scribbling some more words only he could decipher.

"How tall is he? What's his species? What would you say his eye shape is? How big is-"

"Hey Donnie?"

"And then he could be a delinquent- Are you even into thugs? You didn't even tell me you were into yokai- better yet anyone!"

"DONNIE!!" I yelled. "How about he comes over and you cant meet him for yourself?" I offered. Despite whoever's efforts, i could still hear their footsteps. I was always considered the most in tune with my 5 senses, right next to Donnie.

('So why do I struggle with my mystics?' i questioned myself, but that's for later.)

"Who's Donnie gonna analyze now?" Leo walked in, grumbling with a grimace. Donnie flinched dramatically. I looked at the clock just to see it was 2:56 in the morning. Which meant i had been out for at least 6 hours. I winced again.

"Why don't you tell him? HUH? Oh DEAR little sister???!?!?" Okay now bro was getting on my damn nerves. I know he couldn't help it, but that doesn't mean he has to chuck me under that big yellow box full of sweaty children. (a bus)

Obviously that woke him up, even more than his insomnia has ever, with a lean against the wall.

"Is this about where they've been going? You do know you've missed at least 5 meditation sessions Mikey-" I held my hand up, stopping him from explaining further.

"Yea- i know, i feel bad about that as well." I started, "I've been going out to meet this boy..and we've been meeting up and dating for the past few weeks. He's a gecko mutant- He super nice and funny, he has this-"

"alright! alright! We dont need all of that gushy shit- plus, i suspected that anyway." Leo cut in. And honestly, Im not surprised.

"Yea.. figured as much" I sighed.

"YOU KNEW???"Donnie harshly whispered. Oh right, we're supposed to be quiet.

"No, i guessed. I mean, what else screams "im in love" better than a dopey smile, and kicks while screaming into a pillow- btw lil sis, you're super loud, keep the simpery down to a 3 mkay?" Leo said, just to end it with a wrist flip and a sassy finger pointing my way.

I rolled my eyes, but my faced betrayed my emotions with a bright blush.

"Whatever- we'll talk about it when everyone else is up." I backtraked. "I'll text him to come over Friday since its Tuesday. And ill tell April to come over too."

"So that's it!?" Donnie exclaimed, "No 'Look at you and ur silly crush' or 'sTinKY LiL sIs iS iN LoVe'?????" His hands were wildly waving around. "The fuck?"

"Im just better than you, besides, you were super duper sappy when you had your first date." I jested.

"Not really- well yes, but its also the fact that its now almost 4 at the ass crack of dawn and i couldn't care less right now."

"Oh- valid/That makes sense" You both said at the same time.

"Lets got to brd before Raph and Mikey wake up." Leo sat up from the wall, turning away. "Both of them being cranky isn't something I'd like to experience at the moment -" He finished, before walking towards his room.

"WELP! night night Dee! i hope you get toilet splashback <3"

"Okay then"

and you both went to your rooms. there. Despite already being awake for the whole night, you could only sleep for 3 hours before you had to get up again...great.

Speaking of, it was that morni

had to redo this bc the first one was absolutely brain fart

@kittykittyanon @radicallxser @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl @ziipzeepzop-eez @amorvincitomnia-14 @spongejuice @cyb3r-st4r. if you would like to be added, check my blog. if you would like to be added, check my blog. SEE? I SAID IT TWICE!!

@tmnt-shitposting you said you like little sister readers right?

[who-can-touch-my-boob]

✨my 5pm Gojo Satoru headcanons:

Gojo Satoru excels at many sports, but surprisingly he’s the best at gymnastics. (He also takes yoga classes).

Gojo Satoru once made a pocket pussy at home following a YouTube tutorial video.

Gojo Satoru wears crocs unironically(and in sports mode). cred to @celestie0 for this one

Gojo Satoru tried to sell his tandem bicycle on Facebook marketplace and instead of offers people just roasted him for owning one.

Gojo Satoru had a funeral for his dead hamster and forced everyone to attend. He even had a speech.

Gojo Satoru dyes his pubes.

Gojo Satoru sometimes like to get a Thai massage with a happy ending, that’s until he met principal Gakuganji there.

Gojo Satoru was tickled so hard by Geto that he accidentally farted really loudly. Which Geto of course told everyone.

Gojo Satoru actually has body hair, but he shaves his chest and stomach.

i think i picked my brain empty with gojo headcanons

<- 3am hcs <- 4pm hcs <- 10am hcs <- 9pm hcs <- 7 am hcs

[fir-fireweed]

today is a great day ( or night for those who have a different timezone ) for ANGST 😈😈 ik this isnt possibke but how would the ros react when they see the mc dead? ( in the relationship stage btw! )

Omg Anon, wwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyy??? 😭

Ok, full disclosure, I have a real mental block with angst. I tried to think about these and my brain put up a barbed wire, electric, 50 foot brick wall and was like HARD NOPE! I understand angst and conflict is necessary for stories and character growth, but I really struggle with writing it. I’m all about the fluffy bunnies and puffy rainbow clouds and unicorn farts and everyone singing kumbaya.

So I did what I do when I have difficulty writing angsty scenes… I called my sister, lol. She helped me write or even wrote herself the angsty scenes in Viatica and helped me construct this answer. Love you @orangeflavoryawp 😘

All of them would be devastated, obviously. But Ferret and Heron in particular would not be able to overcome it. Ferret would let the anger consume her and would most likely get herself killed trying to burn the world down, no fucks given. Heron, it would crush his spirit; he’d retreat back into perfect worker mode and be a shell of a man for the rest of his life, not caring however long that would be.

Lion would be overcome with crushing guilt and regret, and take it as a personal failing. He’d eventually recover but he would never love another. Robin out of all of them has the most hope and resilience. They would be overcome with grief too, of course, but they would turn that grief into action; they would use their memory of the MC as a catalyst for creating a better world.

But all of this is null and void because they’re all going to live happily ever after, of course! 😅

And sing kumbaya.

[bellrocsgf]

hellooo! I was wondering if I could request general headcanons with laughing Jack and candy pop?

LJ and Candy Pop Headcanons

Laughing Jack

- Bro is MONSTROUSLY tall. he’s 7’4 and he has to bend down when walking through doors. It ain’t even funny tbh he towers over everyone and must have some brains cells fall out from the ceiling hitting his head

- He mainly chills in the carnival/circus area of the mansion where there are tall rooms ✌️ (i have a lot of headcanons on the Slender mansion itself and Slendermans magic, if u ask me for headcanons on him… i will go on for days)

- VERY DEEP VOICE

- CORPSE LEVEL VOICE. PERIOD.

- He’s in his 400s, one of the oldest creeps however the biggest menace, age does not bring maturity (refer to Candy Pop for further proof, impressively immature)

- LJ doesn’t mind any pronouns tbh, he just doesn’t care however he presents as a male so he mainly gets called as such. It may raise an eyebrow if you referred to LJ as a woman but he either won’t give a s*bleep*t or laugh

- LJ doesn’t feel threatened by threats or people actually trying to hurt him however he has a set few triggers which make him go complete defensive mode and aggressive. Towering over him, he isn’t used to it as he is extremely tall however say he was sitting down and someone was standing over him and talking down to him… suddenly he is extremely alert and ready to strangle that person to death

- But yea unless triggered he isn’t actually that aggressive, more of just cunning and rude. He tends to mock and embarrass people that try purposefully p*bleep*ing them off

- He likes to make sweets for his friends <3 however he has accidentally poisoned them on many occasions 😄 (LJ is the reason Jason no longer eats sweets)

❥ Candy Pop

- Candy Pop is 6’11 however he has the ability to change some physical features at will but he is 6’11

- He’s always off in his own world / daydreaming; his attention is always else where.

- Nathan and Pop are always talking or texting, Nathan is basically his platonic husband at this point ngl

- Candy Pop can do basically everything in the circus industry however his favourite/speciality is acrobatics and magic tricks

- Jason and Candy talk the most sh-t together it’s unbelievable, they’re that work duo that just sh-ts on all of their co workers at any moment they can.

- For being over a thousand years old, most immature being ever. He has year 5 humour and still laughs at fart jokes also Candy Pop will make a s-x joke at any opportunity

- Candy Pop can go from very warm hearted and genuine seeming to condescending and mean fairly quickly, this is because of Night Terrors

- Whenever he breaks his mallet or anything, before he even thinks to just fix it himself, he goes running to Jason lol. Jason gets so annoyed because Candy is definitely doing it on purpose to get him away from work lmao

- Sometimes he just randomly slams his hammer on the ground to get everyone’s attention… just to go back about his day not saying or doing anything, ignoring the massive disturbance he just made

- He’s just in a silly goofy mood <3

[kineticpenguin]

Great, now people are engaging their goddamn Conspiracy Brain Mode because the Navy reviewed their sonar recordings and found sounds consistent with an implosion around about the same time they lost communications with the damn thing

"THEY KNEW!!!! THEY KNEW ALL ALONG! SOMETHING SOMETHING HUNTER BIDENDDN!!!!"

Or maybe they didn't want to say "Hey everyone, we heard what may have been a submersible collapsing, go ahead and call off the search for the billionaires. I mean maybe it was a particularly loud whale fart but it's not worth looking into."

[nando161mando]

Per Axios, President Biden is functional from 10am to 4pm, afterward he enters fatigue mode!

[miscling]

🌻

this thing has been caught in waiting mode, so it'll take a second to quickly brain-fart the things it has done all day, which has been a lot while simultaneously not a lot...

its morning was spent writing and catching up on tumblr, of which there was a lot today. or maybe it felt like a lot because it was writing in between scrolling... either way, that ate up its whole morning. somewhere in that process.

it decided that it would go for a walk after that. and because it is currently running an AERS (Arousal Energy Retention System, a process of having arousal energy stored for later discharge) stress test with Mother Controller, it decided that the most interesting way to charge its stored arousal was to share a control link for its clit vibe and let others take charge of it.

this thing is still experimenting with the AERS, and is still processing the differences between arousal as a feeling and arousal as a physiological response to being stimulated. it has actually been interesting to think about, especially around this thing's own sexuality and how it experiences and feels arousal and what makes it aroused. it feels much stronger arousal from kink than it does from sexual contact, it has always known this.

it is very much looking forward to seeing how it will all play out...

[tomurasmoleunderhislip]

~League of villains members as things I said/done/whatever~

Y'all will think I'm messed up but oh well

Tomura: "yawned whole time and ate chips in front of psychologist while sitting next to best friend that was low key nervous and anxious (I was with best friend for support @wholelottawidows thas you dawg 💀), offered psychologist chips and later when I ate whole bag, I licked my fingers in front of both of them and picked my ear when psychologist wasn't watching."

+

"Drank like 3-4 mugs of coffee and monster energy drink in one day but still fell asleep anyway"

+

"What's the point of all these hard work if we will all die either way, sooner or later?"

+

"When having breakdown, I remember something funny and stupid which makes me burst into laughter and forget what I was crying so violently about"

Dabi: "I'll start working out this summer, just to be able to fist fight and beat up our dads one day"

+

"chased sibling with knife around house it was a joke just to scare him don't worry no one got hurt lol"

+

"Life is short make it shorter"

+

"Made my younger step sibling hit step father in the head few times with something"

+

"Damn this headache fucking me in brain really hard now"

+

"It is what it is (I would say that after I fucked up something 💀)"

Toga: "Slept with knife under my pillow few times"

+

"have one stabbed pillow on bed which is covered with old t shirt"

+

"when I was a child I used to bring dead hedgehogs and mouses to my mother saying: Look at this poor kitty mom, let's help it!!! While the fucking animals were flattened like pancake and were literally full of ants and flies"

+

"Tried to snatch a street kitten once but failed and gave up"

Spinner: "Tried to eat cigarettes and rocks I found on ground as kid"

+

"I know I'm atheist and don't believe in that shit, but you hoes need Jesus"

+

"one time i ran through a swarm of tiny flies and my mouth was opened since I was gasping for air because of running and some of these tinyass flies got into my mouth accidentally I could feel them in my throat and gave up from trying to spit damn bug out so I swallowed it 💀"

+

"Who needs bitches when you have perfect sandwich"

Twice: "-Why is your nails painted pink? I mean you are mostly dressed in black it's surprising.

- Because I'm fucking fabulous"

+

"Smoked one or two times my whole pack of cigarettes and than my best friend's whole pack of cigarettes in one day (dw she gave me it I didn't just stole it and smoked it without her permission and I'm not heavy smoker now 👍💀👍)"

+

"Feels confident and looks at mirror whole time thinking how good I look, than after 30 minutes look at myself in mirror and either cry or laugh saying how dumb I look"

+

"accidentally choked on my own spit few times"

+

"Tried to help my best friend to get up one time because she fell but right when I got closer to her I tripped and fell as well"

Magne: "cold & badass women are daddies and cold & badass men are babygirls and pretty princesses"

+

"Bullies my siblings but when someone else does it I go protective mode like: "I'm the only one that can bully this dumbasses"

Mr Compress and Kurogiri:

"I can't stand you bitches so I'm cutting my legs off"

+

"Smacks siblings hand/head when they touch something they're not supposed to or something that's dangerous for them"

+

"one time while I was making coffee, my younger brother came to me to bother me and annoy me out of boredom, so I told him to go away. He did go away but not really far away, he stood at one line of kitchen floor half of meter away from me, I saw what was he trying to do he was trying to provoke me so I was like: If you want to provoke me at least do it fucking right you idiot

And I grabbed him and pulled him with me as I stepped on the actual ending line of kitchen floor and left him there as I went back to making coffee for myself"

~We gotta go baba now ~

I apologize to all people that I told earlier I'm going to sleep, sorry y'all but this idea farted up on my mind and I had to write it immediately so that I don't forget it 😍😍😍

Got a lil distracted 😔😔😔😔

(I hope people won't unfollow me bc of this💀💀💀)

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

Image ref:

I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.

[anthurak]

So recently reading an interesting/disturbing post/article on the Franklin Expedition and rewatching the Helluva Boss shorts have combined to produce this random little brain fart of an idea:

Who do you think wins a fight between the racist, xenophobic murder penguins from Mission: Antarctica, and the fucked-up monster polar bear from that one book/show about ‘What if the Franklin expedition had a fucked-up monster polar bear?’

Personally my money’s on the penguins. If for nothing else than by sheer weight of numbers.

Heck, while we’re at it let’s expand these matchups:

How well do the bunch of unhinged, murderous xenophobes fair against the unhinged, murderous xenophobes who happen to be penguins?

I.M.P. vs Fucked-Up Monster Polar Bear?

And finally; three imps vs. two ships worth of British dudes high off their asses on lead-poisoning.

Well for round one I’d say the Franklineers don’t even last long enough to start their Donner party. Like I imagine the penguins take one look at those Englishmen and are immediately infuriated that anyone else would DARE try to be more racist and xenophobic than them and massacre the lot on sight. Heck, maybe the penguins then try and get the ships free of the ice so they can sail out onto the open sea and make war on the English.

As for I.M.P. vs F.U.M.P.B., while it’s not an easy fight by any estimation I do think our imps come out on top. Maybe they need to call in Loona for some extra muscle/rip-and-tear. Like yeah, that bear is tough, but it also has to contend with armor-piercing sniper rounds from Moxxie, shotgun blasts from Blitzo, AND a Millie likely in full feral-murder-gremlin mode going all stab-happy on it with a knife.

Alternatively, maybe Loona in full-on berserker-mode 1v1’s the thing? This one is entirely due to my bias of wanting to see Loona do cool shit :D

Finally we have our imp trio vs. the two ships of loony, cannibal-happy british dudes, AKA; I.M.P. getting a bulk order with the promise a very nice payday.

The funny thing about this matchup is that I feel like each side has an entirely different perspective as to what’s going on.

For the Frankliners, this is (more of) a horror story as they are gradually being picked off one by one in brutal fashion by a mysterious, unseen killer who appears suddenly to brutally slaughter one or two of them, then just as quickly vanishes without a trace.

Meanwhile, while Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie might LIKE to go all inverse-doomslayer on the hapless would-be colonizers, there is the little problem of it being REALLY FUCKING COLD. So they instead decide to take it easy on this one, using their Asmodean crystal to just pop in and take out one or three guys before popping back to the comfort of Hell for a few hours/days, rinse and repeat.

And the best part is that when our heroes pop in to take out a couple guy only to find that they’ve already been whacked by a third guy who also seem to be trying to eat them for some weird reason, our imps realize these humans will just kill themselves for them! Now they just need to pop in every other day or so, whack one or two dudes, and the rest will do their job for them.

Admittedly, after a few days the remaining humans are looking pretty gross and possibly a bit undead, so Blitzo, Moxxie and even Millie start taking out their targets from a distance. Thankfully at this point they don’t really even need to be killing them directly. Like one of them just saw Moxxie perched on the mast, screamed about demons and angels, then immediately stabbed one of his mates to death and started eating him.

So by the last few days, Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie are just popping in to go ‘OOGA-BOOGA’ a few times and letting the job take care of itself.

[angelfate]

also sum alisa headcanons;

● alisa has a built in advanced "3D printer." hence how her head is able to blow up, but be replaced. she does not have any "mini heads" within her, but rather this 3D printer is able to make up her head on top of her neck

● although alisa can technically sweat (as we can see her cry, so she is capable of producing "water" or "liquids") - alisa still has built in fans. her skin is likely composed of silicon, therefore, sweating may help cool her down - but it doesn't completely aid in cooling down her motherboard. whilst her fans are relatively quiet, if you were to be very close to her, you can hear the gentle whirling. her fans will activate in excessive summer heat, during fights, or... more intimate moments.

● alisa may appear human on the outside, but her insides are VERY robotic. they consist of wires and motherboards. this means it's impossible for alisa to reproduce. she can enjoy intimate moments, but can never have a baby. this might effect her emotionally later on when she starts realizing this.

● you know how current AIs are prone to ""brain farts"" and try to gaslight the user? you might've seen memes where somebody is talking to bing's AI and trying to ask them what year it is, and the AI is CONVINCED the year is 2008 when it's 2024, and they tell the user they're ones "mistaken". or how you may request an AI to make an image and it'll suddenly claim it's not able and it's a text based AI, even though... it HAS created images, and when you try to tell it that, it denies it. yeahhh... alisa also does these accidental "gaslights." sometimes when asked for information, she claims she can't search for information. even though... she has plenty of times. sometimes, it takes several insistings that she can indeed and then she'll remember, oh yeah, she can do that lol.

● alisa's "brain" is NOT in her head, hence why she can blow her head up and nothing bad happens to her. her "brain" is instead in her chest. she also has a port in her back for charging.

● alisa does NOT run on oil of any kind, but solely electricity / battery. alisa can also technically be awake whilst charging, however... it takes her slower to charge, and staying awake is ill advised 'cos it may overheat her. so, usually, she shuts herself down when charging. like an ordinary human, alisa's power can last 14+ hours before entering low battery mode.

● i find it interesting that harada once stated that the original story for alisa was that she apparently "looked nothing like dr. b's daughter." this may make sense due to alisa having a more "normal" design in many of her concept arts (looking more russian and NOT having pink hair but instead blonde or brown). i don't take that in canon, alisa is indeed designed after the real alisa. howeverrr... she does have some differences. the original alisa did not have pink hair and wore more "mundane" clothes, but robot alisa still has alisa's exact face and body. it's only her hair and fashion that has been altered. this was likely ordered by "jin" to make alisa look even "cuter" / "prettier" and even more "approachable".

● i also find it interesting that harada claimed alisa has a "deteriorating" chip that may or may not be replaceable. i might do something with that. we'll see if i decide on writing her.

● alisa highly sympathizes with jin (MY DEPICTION, of course!) even though she was used, she understands EXACTLY what it's like to be "taken over" by something and do bad. jin was overtaken by devil and devil did a lotta bad things... meanwhile, alisa was overtaken by programming, and was forced to fight her best friend... it's a situation that makes her very, very sad and she understands that it must've made jin very sad, too.

● even though i didn't care for blood vengeance, i did adore alisa in it - and was one of the main reasons why i started loving alisa. so, i'm gonna say that alisa is still extremely socially awkward and doesn't know boundaries lol. woes of being a robot!

aaaand... a nsft canon underneath... ❤️

● alisa does NOT care about sex... until she has it the first time. i remembered reading a reddit post about a guy stating that his gf didn't care to have sex, they've been in a relationship for YEARS but she never wanted it. until one day, she decides she'll just try it out just to see what it's like... then she becomes hyperfixated on it, wanting sex every time the dude comes home. yeahhh, something similar like that would happen to alisa lol. rn she NEVER thinks about sex, but uhh... once she's introduced to it! heheh!

[lesbiansgoal]

I have a lil gay crush and i need a lil gay advice

I obviously am too gay to think straight about this so naturally my brain is farts and im reading way too much into every single interaction i have with her.

For context, we are colleagues. both of us openly gay. in the past 3 weeks we've grown physically closer -- lots of hugs, brushes, bumps, etc. but this can obvi be just both of us being more touchy feely in general, right.

She does throw random compliments (me too) and we banter around.

We also hung out last week. it was nice. i want to continue hanging out. i melt into a (appropriate level) sub mode very naturally around her. i personally think it's obvious that i'm interested, but i'm also notoriously bad at judging situations. i think im flirting and then i found out it's bare minimum friendliness in other people's eyes is what i mean. also hints completely flying over my head? IT'S BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN.

I asked a friend for advice, he said to be direct and tell her im interested. this is terrifying!! i like what we have rn and i don't want to make it awkward. so i think maybe i need to wait to judge better how good of a chance i have for interest to be reciprocated? HOW DO I FLIRT and make it indirectly obvious im into her? he said that if i wait too long, we'd just establish a more touchy friendship and kind of the potential would be lost? i don't necessarily agree, i think things can progress naturally. but also it's not like i have a lot of experience with that kind of thing. what do yall think? should i talk to her soon, or should i wait? in case its not reciprocated, how do i make it not awkward and keep what we have? ANY INPUT, THANK!!