#both have made me cry so hard
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Play Father of Boy today only for 14.99
#ive been playing god of war#lovely game#everyone should play it#its the second game ive played where you have to take care of a kid and i never knew i loved these kinds of games#just gruff fathers trying their hardest to protect their kids while going on a journey is my favorite genre of games#if its not obvious the second game im talking about is the last of us#an also very lovely game#both have made me cry so hard
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THE X-FILES (1993-2018)
SEASON FOUR — The truth will save you, Scully. I think it'll save both of us.
#txf#tv#txf4#the x files#txfedit#tvedit#scifiedit#horroredit#.gif#thexfilesnet#*txfrewatch#this season did NOT have to go this hard...#most insane moment to me is in elegy after mulder asks her 'why can't you trust me?' when scully sits in her car and cries#and as a parallel mulder crying at home (bottom left gif) after scully tells him 'it's easier to believe the lies isn't it?' and#that she was made ill just as a means to make him believe. to fool him#INSANE SEASON for insane people#& what I already said the other day: it's also the season where they're both just stupidly attractive. :')#it's also the best acted I think (for both of them. and not just thanks to better writing)#...I still prefer s3 tho :') because I love the silly episodes too much and this season just doesn't have those (except small potatoes)#also...I watched this so quickly omg...💀 like I started on saturday I think? um... :'')#but I have to take a break now anyway. because of the horrors (adulting) so it's nice that I got this far at least!
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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you can poke your head behind the mountain peak, don't have to mean that you've gone into hiding
#you can't see it but you know alex is smiling like a fool#well probably both of them are really#I'm still feeling so emotional after yesterday#i don't mind us not getting more than this#i don't mind them hugging in the dark#it just shows that they don't have to put their love on display and brag about it to everyone else#they can just show each other and that's enough#that's what love is about no?#they're not hiding they're just not shoving it in everyone's faces#(they know we know anyways)#if you look up the definition of true love their name will pop up#“we've gone through a lot together” miles said in a recent interview and it could've made me sad because it includes the hard times too#but it's precisely because of the hard times and not letting those beat them and tear them apart is why they're still here#and still thriving and loving each other and being best friends#they really said “we're gonna fight everything that comes our way and we're still gonna hold each other's hands at the end of it”#aaaaaand I'm crying#don't ever doubt their love guys#miles kane#alex turner#milex#arctic monkeys#the car tour#tlsp#the last shadow puppets#505#body paint
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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it doesn't have to be that way.
okay
I need you to know that I've been thinking about this ask non-stop for the last 3 days. This song came for us all and took us under its wing. I live here. It's a gem of a song. (This reply will get very long.)
My first time hearing it was live, as it was for a bunch of us as the album release was at the beginning of the tour. To set the scene, I was obviously really excited for any new songs I'd be hearing that night, and then Russell introduced the song like this:
"This is another brand new song for any of you who feel like maybe you're not on the right course. [He pauses briefly.] It's a song that's called 'It Doesn't Have To Be That Way'."
I was already nearly in tears, and then it started:
They always said that you cannot change your mind, Do it once and you're defined, do it twice and you're divine
...
It doesn't have to be that way, okay?
Every line of the entire song hit me like a brick while also being the most comforting thing I've ever heard. It was beautiful. And coming from the guys who for over a decade have been my personal champions of "things not having to be that way", the guys who are my people, who have by their very existence been telling us all this exact message for all these years. And here it was, in words, aimed at all of us.
They always said that you need to have a plan, Doesn't matter, any plan, any plan they'll understand, It doesn't have to be that way, okay?
... They've not been known to go for songs that bring people to tears, and I'm not known to be the kind of person to listen to songs and cry. And yet here we were.
While I can write an essay on every verse, a part that's especially meaningful to me, as a queer person, as an aspec person, is this:
They always said that it must reflect your life, And incorporate your strife, maybe mentioning your wife, It doesn't have to be that way, okay?
These *are* lines that seem to reflect their life (the entire song seems to, just as it does ours), and they're all things I've always loved so much about them, things that have paved the way for all of us. But I'm going to especially highlight the "maybe mentioning your wife" line. Here we have two (likely) heterosexual men, but they don't bring their love lives to the public eye - very consciously, and by choice. What they do with their lives is all about their music. Their lives are highly meaningful, to them and to so many people, and you don't need amatonormativity or the nuclear family to have a beautifully meaningful life. They show that every day, in all they do. Their work has always attracted many queer people of all sorts for obvious reasons, and it's been so easy to find aspec people among the fans which is a real treat. While they likely both have partners, the beauty is that we don't really know. We don't know that part of their lives and we don't need to know to know them, if they're not telling us it doesn't concern us. There's a lot of people who don't understand this though, people who feel like they don't know who Sparks are as people because these people feel like in order to know who a person is, they need to know their relationship status and whether they have a family. (In reality these people are looking at the wrong things, they're trying to classify and understand life in the only way they know, and therefore they seem to be unable to see what's there.) The added beauty of all this is that it doesn't just gives Sparks some privacy, but also it creates a safe space for all of us who aren't looking to live that way, who aren't looking to build our lives around a romantic partner, for whom the ideal life isn't one where you build a family, or for whom that do wish to live that way but where it isn't the thing that defines you. You don't have to mention a partner or make your life about that. It doesn't have to be that way, okay?
And then there's those parts of the song that go,
I may be wrong, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it,
No chart-bound song, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it,
No sing along, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it
I'll pay for it
Which can be read and felt in a number of ways which all mean so much to me ... There's their own lives in it, where they've always done things their way, where people may tell them to not do things that way, and where it might not work out - I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it. Theres our lives, where we equally all make our decisions, try to just live our own ways to the best of our abilities and where we make mistakes - I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it.
And then, thirdly, to me, there's the feeling to it where they've got our backs. No chart-bound song, no sing along, that can be about an album not becoming the success it was hoped to be, but if you just look at No sing along, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it, to me there's also an aspect of not wishing it upon another - instead carrying it for you, don't sing along. (This feeling feels further supported by the ending of the song, how 'bout a drink, I'll pay for it, it's been too long, I'll pay for it, which to me reads as paying for that drink for your friend so no one has to go through it alone nor without support.)
I'll look uncool, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it
I'll look the fool, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it
I'll look too schooled, I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it
I'll pay for it
The price of authenticity, the price of following your heart and your beliefs. And we all felt that.
As you can tell, this is one really really special song. It had so many of us in tears. We all spoke about it for weeks, I'm still talking about it. It's kind of like Sparks' life concepts we all already understood, that drew us here in the first place, got beautifully distilled into a song. (So much of this recent album has that quality, and it was felt all throughout the entire tour too.)
Every night Russell gave the song a slightly different introduction that hit people right in their heart. There's a quality to it performed live that makes it hit even harder than on the album. I recorded it at every show I've seen. Here's two of them:
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... it especially hits hard when you're near the front, looking at these guys with your big eyes, locking eyes for a second and you know they know. (I also did a quick shot of Ron's Jordans here, seeing him wear them was always a dream of mine and here I was, stood right in front of him seeing him wear Jordans.)
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#thanks again for these asks you've been sending <3#sorry it took so long to reply. this one means so much that it's hard to translate all the feelings into words#what i feel and what it means is so much more and so much bigger than I can say. but I've tried my best#it's important to me that they're both over 70 too. they don't like mentioning their age. but they're beautifully young guys.#the way they age is another 'it doesn't have to be that way'.#we go through school with the conditioning that we need to have our shit together at 20 and#there's all these beliefs in society that a life is over or stops being worth something at a certain age. it's complete bullshit#they've been going their entire lives. reinventing all the time.#when they were my age they hadn't yet made a lot of the albums that I love the most. it's never too late. You're not old. and never too old#it doesn't have to be that way. okay?#Sparks#Russell Mael#Ron Mael#Sparks (band)#it doesn't have to be that way#The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte#ask#anon#sparks ask
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*squeezes aine this time*
Read my Yandere! Dottore fics first (⁎⁍̴̆Ɛ⁍̴̆⁎)
Chemistry ๑ Magnum Opus
So @ainescribe decided to surprise me with more Darling fan art, this time of Dottore’s Assistant!! *sobs* I love it so much ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡
Once again, feedback will be in the tags. Thank you so much for enjoying my writing, Aine <3
#feedback#fan art#ainescribe#AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE ( ；∀；)#THE FACT THAT YOU DREW THIS?? AND SO SOON?? give me a moment. i need to cry happily#fun fact aine has made jokes about assistant and 'dead-eyed desi trauma' so my first thought when seeing this fan art was#'wow you can rlly see the desi trauma in her eyes' xD i say this both jokingly and seriously cuz AHH HER EXPRESSION!!#it's hard for me to describe visual art + techniques but you did such a good job at depicting assistant's emotions#is it bc of the thicker line art used for the eyes + eyebrows?? the lil eyebags/ creases under her eyes?? the uneven shading for her irises#all of that combined with her jaded facial expression and body language?? idk but just know that i love this depiction of assistant#especially since her emotions are an important aspect of her character design (to me at least)#moving on i love your original design for her. once again it's always interesting to see how my readers imagine and depict my darlings#and the way you drew her including the pose and design....she looks like a character from an animated show or visual novel!!#just put her name. caption. and dialogue on the side then she's ready to be romanced. 100% the fan-favorite character <3#i rlly like how you drew her hair!! it looks very fluffy and voluminous (sorry idk many terms for haircare either)#the scar is an interesting detail. makes me wonder if she got it before. during. or after the akademiya?? from an expedition/ experiment??#either way. ohohoho the potential....i imagine the scar serving as a lifelong reminder to assistant of what she has sacrificed for her#scientific curiosity and career. not to mention that the scar is located on her FACE which is 1) the body part most crucial to a person's#identity 2) makes the scar difficult to ignore. to the point that some people may recognize assistant's face mainly bc of her scar#poor assistant. at least dottore is one to appreciate such traits. i can see him administering first aid or lovingly tracing the scar......#moving on to her uniform. i love that it's practical but also stylish in its own way. a perfect balance methinks uwu#the patterned lapels. the lil brooch. the leather armbands. the fatui symbol. the tucked shirt and high-waist pants.....aaaahhhh i just#love these small details!! and it does look like smth which a fatuus would wear on the job~#i think that's all i have to say on assistant!! once again. thank you thank you THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR MY WRITING AND MY#DARLINGS!! it means the world to me and i'll always cherish our rambles and brainrot <3#dottore x reader#yandere dottore x reader#yandere fatui harbingers#fatui x reader#genshin x reader
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call to a witch
song
#beatrice umineko#beatrice the golden witch#shannon umineko#umineko#umineko no naku koro ni#when they cry#wtc#jichanmakes#cw blood#cw death#the way they have so much potential. so interesting#it could be yuri it could just be intense girl envy+admiration it could be both#the evolution of their relationship is just soooooo#hopeless maid and the powerful witch -> the strong maid self assured in her love vs the witch who screams that love isn't real#the way shannon goes from deference and awe to legitimately standing up and fighting as a Whole Person#this is mostly about ep2#not to go too hard into spoilers in front of my dear unspoiled oomf but#obviously i was also thinking of THOSE spoilers as well#because that's what made me more fond of their interactions#and ofc when you know it's impossible to not be thinking about that reading at the same time#anyway. get out of here george and kanon let the girls talk
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When you weren’t looking (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Marceline#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Just casually crying at my own art while I make it no biggie#Just ahhhh they do love each other! They want what's best for each other! But they missed each other so much!! And they still are!!#Both that they miss each other in the sense that they're lonely while together - Simon's Marceline was a child and Marcy's Simon was well#Not Ice King but also kinda yeah - and she'll never see him again#It's gotten be bittersweet#It's good that he has his mind! Very good! But he is forever un-changed/re-changed#I think it's canon that Simon was returned to being in his early 30s because Golb ate his age post him getting the crown?#It's not a retcon obviously lol but it's like his future has been retconned canonically in himself that's Gotta feel weird#But it basically undid the Simon that Marceline knew - the man who raised her was un-done even though they both remember him#Both of them just have to not think too hard about it probably :')#But even not thinking about that - Simon is still getting older! He's aging like a normal human again! And everything that comes with that#I love his crow's feet a lot <3 And his hair streak is so chic how did his genes know he would look so cute haha ♪#Poor both of them - I do want them to be happy! They've just got so much sad!#I also think it's quite funny that all those years ago before I watched AT Marceline was the one fanart I made haha - the more things change#Still drawing her! I wonder if younger me would be surprised#I like her short hair :D Her long hair is lovely - all her hairstyles are lovely! - but the short hair is so cute#Really reminds me of her kid hairstyle ;u; I'm sure that doesn't hurt Simon at all haha#I draw it a lot like Tala's hairstyle as well haha - it's The Kid hairstyle!
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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i am. so fucking hurt right now.
#. he literally pretended to be my friend for nine months just to turn around and block me on everything. vent to my boyfriend about#how shitty I am. all the while I didn't even do fucking anything to him.#tell me I'm “downplaying” the situation of what I did. and at the same time#show a mutual friend of ours “what I did” behind my back. just to for that friend to agree that. I WASNT BEING RUDE#turns out hes been talking shit on me behind my back to my boyfriend this whole time. while acting like we're friends.#I confront him about something. he proceeds to flip out. curse at me. call me an asshole after I tell him something he did to hurt me.#and then he BLOCKS ME ON EVERYTHING#AND AFTERWARDS. TELLS MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND THAT IM HARD TO TALK TO. BECAUSE I EITHER GET HOSTILE OR SHUT DOWN.#WHEN IT WAS HIM DOING BOTH THOSE THINGS. AND ME TRYING TO HAVE A CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW HE HURT MY FEELINGS A WEEK PRIOR#AND IT MADE ME HAVE A TWO DAY MENTAL BREAKDOWN#AND ALL HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT *THAT* IS THAT I NEED TO WATCH WAY I SAY AND LEARN TO TAKE CRITICISM#I'm just so confused. I've been crying all day dude idk wtf I even did.#I couldnt even focus in class.#so uh. if you hear how shitty I am from marc. please let me know what exactly I even did to warrant this 😭#wtf man
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so today went. well???
#started off strong by finding my classrooms with my friend#then we went to the mall to get school supplies#it was super chill and lots of fun#that friend is always like no-pressure but hella fun#then i went and hung out with ANOTHER friend#and there were tears bc they’re having a hard time rn and their brain is being a DICK to them#and they were able to talk things out and i’m not good at comforting people but i’m glad i was at least there for them#and then we watched a show#then something came up and ~I~ was the one crying#but that didn’t last long bc i tried to explain something and made reference to a quote#but had to stipulate that although it was a nice and fitting quote it wasn’t technically scientifically accurate#(that was a preface before i even started the quote)#and my friend laughed at me bc apparently interrupting myself to interject about the scientific accuracy of something I was quoting was#‘very [me]’#and then i went on a ramble about precocial vs altruitial species#*altricial#anyway it was kinda a mess but i think it was better for both of us?#this person used to be a person i told pretty much everything to do it feels good not feeling like i have to disguise certain things around#them#i also told them the only other big(ish) thing that i’ve ever kept from them#which maybe wasn’t ideal timing but it didn’t seem to bother them and it felt better not feeling like i was hiding anything from them#anyway long emotional day#i’m so wiped#i love my friends so fucking much#i cannot overstate how amazing they are and how much joy they deserve and how lucky i am to know them#personal
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i cried SO MUCH and i am still crying, but i was in irl house's office today 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
#jo in the tardis*#i cried before the class and then we had to do this exam on the computers#as a final evaluation or whatever and my account just WOULDN'T work and irl house and my favourite assistant were there with me#trying to fix it and they were both like you are ALWAYS on this account solving everything we know you would know how to log in#and then we managed to do it and when i tried to hand in my answers it just wouldn't accept them#so that's why i was in irl house's office because he was trying to fix it#and he has SO many books there... sooooo many i was just turning around trying to read every title#and i just kept thinking i really really hope i have this someday#and i had to try soooo hard not to cry right there#i've never had this in my life. ever. never ever ever ever. this sense of belonging somewhere entirely#and i think both irl house and my assistant sensed this was my problem today and they were both so kind to me#and she literally said that it doesn't end when the classes end ANY of it i can always come to lectures and ask them things#and that also made me want to cry#i just really love this place and these people and i can't afford to lose it... like i don't know what will i do if i fail this year#and can't come back for the next... i've finally FOUND my place and i can't lose it#like what will i do...
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remembered at work i’m probably gonna get abused tonight yay me
#personal#going to see a show with my mom aunt and grandma#and my mom have already argued about this show bc i asked for the future if my mom says i can come to soemthing can she ask me first#just cause i might haves plans or soemthing else going on and she cussed me out for lecturing her#it’s fine when i just can go to my room or can choose to get away#but she’s gonna drive and car rides with my mom are so bad#i always forget bc i don’t have to ride in the car with her anymore bc i have my own and a license#but they can be so bad unless she gets a phone call or starts talking about herself#but car to and from there good chance ya boy is getting quote unquote abused#i know she’s abusive/toxic but it feels so dramatic to be like my moms gonna abuse me by being mean in a car 🙄#but also i’m a 24 year old man near crying at my desk bc my moms gonna be mean to me in her car#and i thought about telling my brother to just vent but then i just remembered his last visit#and how he made fun of me (lightly to be clear) and didn’t think much of how mean mom was to me#and he always says we’re both crazy and honestly he doesn’t care and it’s fine and i’ll just save myself the hassle#the other brother were still weird#anyway blah blah blah family doesn’t like me or does and just happens. to also enjoy being kinda mean#gonna pop in an ear bud on the side she can’t see and do double time of pretending i’m spider man to cope with my issues#i think if i just focus really hard on spider man and make no real tangible changes to my life everything is gonna r#be okay :) (it will not)
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🕷️☕️
#im broken#im someone who is meant to be alone and be unliked and unlovable and unwanted#thats my place in the world. im foolish for hoping for more#it just hurts sm that it feels like everyone else has or have had someone#i've never had someone who has chosen me over everyone else#im surrounded by ppl who have been chosen above everyone else#and like i read a romance book abt two ppl in their late 30s who are virgins and meet eo#but both of them have kissed & made out w ppl before.... i havent even done that#like am i gonna be 30 and have my 1st kiss???? be fr who would wanna have sex w someone in their 30s who has no experience#they'd have to teach me and like ppl in their 30s are getting ready to settle down#i cant imagine anyone wanting to kiss me just bc im me either like everyone gets tired of me after a while......#i cant imagine anyone not tiring of me and choosing to be w me#when there'll always be someone else. someone better. hotter. sexier. funnier. smarter#im like actually fkn dumb for thinking that someone could want to be w ME above everyone else#spend their time with me when there are 1m things better than me#there will always be someone else everyone would choose above me#also im broken bc my heart is stupidly loyal. im like a penguin... but normal ppl dont work that way#i cant imagine anyone thinking im special enough to love and want me the way i feel love#so i've always known im meant to be alone#but its so hard watching everyone around me have a partner while i have to be lonely and ache to be that important and loved#im always gonna exist as a lonely island never being 1st priority or the favorite or more special than everyone else#and its making my heart so sad. why am i not worthy of dating or loving or choosing or bein no 1??#and being so unwanted and never chosen or special is making me so dejected and lifeless#friendships arent as big to me anymore bc sure i'll hang out or talk to my friends#but then they go home to their partner. the person that are no 1 in their lives#i can have friends but it only makes me sadder bc it reminds me that theyve all been chosen and i have not#i have cry myself to sleep everyday while they have the joy of bring chosen and important and held#i just dont care anymore... i'll only ever exist as a tiny side roll in ppl's lives#i'll never be a main part or the biggest part to anyone....#i'll always have to be completely alone in everything and watch while ppl around me get to have the comfort of partnership
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choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her
#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me#and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front#always always bowl me over#like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time#like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that#when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair#but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard#so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment?#and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's#even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with#bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc#i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum#BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart#like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me#it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE#and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry#and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls#that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good#and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her#that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension#and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone#but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her#i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me#but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her#girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH#hella goes home
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