#borderlinepersonalityrecovery

[jennhope12-blog]

This disorder hurts those we love,most times unintentionally but sometimes not! It’s hard knowing you’ve become someone your not or don’t feel like, it’s hard to know youve hurt people. This disorder is hard but mental illness is hard. I’m trying, learning and growing. It’s painful and my heart aches to be better but it’s a journey a long ass one..... acknowledgedment is a good step, and oh boy I’ve been doing lots of that!! #mentallyill #mentalbattle #mentalhealth #bpd #bpdmom #boldlybpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #yournotalone #invisibleillness #learning #tryingtogetbetter #tryingtobereal #emotional #fighting #sharingmystory #blogger #vlogger #mother #writer #acknowledgeispower

[dancing-dragonfly]

#emotionalpain #emotions #pain #sadness #depression #anxiety #bpd #mentalillness #borderlinepersonalitydisorderawareness #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #dbt #dialecticalbehaviortherapy #therapy #iamnotworthless #recovery #mentalillnessstigma

[jennhope12-blog]

Got myself a new bracelet, inspired by a very awsome lady I know who has this saying on a bracelet too . Felt right as I was in the hospital getting my new meds and psychiatrist and psychologist .... I GOT THIS!! #yougotthis #mentallyill #bpd #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #boldlybpd #newbracelet #loveit #yournotalone #invisibleillness #tryingtogetbetter #mystory #mentalhealthawareness

[jennhope12-blog]

I feel disconnected from life, I feel lost. Roller coaster of good days vs bad days. Knowledge that most good days aren’t ever really entirely good. These tears lay just under my numb surface and like a robot I go through each day pretending I don’t feel the pain. Don’t hear the voice. So I disconnect, from my illness from my life. Not sure how to plug back in.... so you get disconnected?? #mentalillnessawareness #invisibleillness #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdwarrior #bpdblogger #boldlybpd #disconnected #numbing #yournotalone #mystory #myrelease #sharingmystory #fighting #tryingtobereal #tryingtoadult #learning #lonely #figuringitout #findingmyself #blogger #vlogger #writer

[jennhope12-blog]

It’s a me thing, I want approval or a pat on the back. I want to know people support me and that I’m doing a good job. But that’s a me issue.... I shouldn’t need approval or a pat on the back. Just doing my blogs my vlogs should be good enough. But I want to feel I’m special, I want things to be about me. It’s a me issue. I’m working on it, but it’ll take more work than maybe even I thought. I take it so personally when I do something like get a blog post published on sick not weak or my writing for Healthy Minds Canada and it feels like nobody cares. Like it’s something everyone can do or does. And hell maybe it is... again it’s a me issue. Just my getting my story out and helping others not feel alone should be enough. It is,somewhere inside! Me issue!! #mentalillness #mentallyill #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #bpdmom #bpdblogger #boldlybpd #sharingmystory #myexpirience #yournotalone #meissue #attentionseeker #blogger #vlogger #poet #writer #tryingtogetbetter #learning #fighting #stigmafighter #advocate

[jennhope12-blog]

What if after diagnosis, there was a tool or a way to know where to go next, so I’m diagnosed how do I get better?? Where do I go? What if my dr doesn’t know? Is it free? If it costs money how much? And if you can’t pay than what? So many questions we really don’t get answers for. We don’t really get great direction. I know some amazing people looking into creating such a tool here in my city... and if that ever happens maybe then we can get it in your city. Lord knows I’ve done most of this work in my own and I would have welcomed more help and direction! Wouldn’t you??!! #tools #navigating #mentalhealth #mentallyill #mentalillnessawareness #invisibleillness #borderlinepersonality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #learning #blogger #vlogger #yegblogger #yournotalone #fighting #stigmafighter #creatingchange #mystory

[jennhope12-blog]

What if after diagnosis, there was a tool or a way to know where to go next, so I’m diagnosed how do I get better?? Where do I go? What if my dr doesn’t know? Is it free? If it costs money how much? And if you can’t pay than what? So many questions we really don’t get answers for. We don’t really get great direction. I know some amazing people looking into creating such a tool here in my city... and if that ever happens maybe then we can get it in your city. Lord knows I’ve done most of this work in my own and I would have welcomed more help and direction! Wouldn’t you??!! #tools #navigating #mentalhealth #mentallyill #mentalillnessawareness #invisibleillness #borderlinepersonality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #learning #blogger #vlogger #yegblogger #yournotalone #fighting #stigmafighter #creatingchange #mystory

[jennhope12-blog]

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A post shared by Boldly Jenn (@boldly_jenn)

I’m emotionally exhausted, went to my first support meeting and even not talking I spent the hour bawling. I was triggered way more then anyone should be and I was in awe of the bravery these people had, so honest. I’m not there yet, I’m not ready yet but I can see the long term benefits so I will return and give more of a shot than I usually would..... I’ll be able to talk about the hard stuff eventually.... just not today! #firstmeeting #supportgroup #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalbattle #learning #recovery #mystory #myexpirience #emotional #exhausted #tryingtobereal #tryingtogetbetter #tryingtoadult #fightingstigma #yegblogger #vlogger #writer #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #borderlinepersonality #bpd #boldlybpd #stepsforward

[jennhope12-blog]

My latest#blogpost for @healthymindscanada ..... link here: https://healthymindscanada.ca/progress-bpd-recovery-journey-possible/. #mentalhealthawareness #memtalhealth #mentalillness #yournotalone #progressisprogress #learning #recovery #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #bpd #boldlybpd #blogger #vlogger #sharingmystory #myexpirience #majordepressivedisorder #anxiety #ptsd #tryingtoadult #tryingtogetbetter #mywords #writing #writingtherapy

[jennhope12-blog]

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A post shared by Boldly Jenn (@boldly_jenn)

Freaking out, first ever support group today for borderlines..... never been to therapy or a support group so my anxiety is high but I’m going to go... it’s a great step forward . I’ll let ya know how it goes!! #mystory #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #bpdisorder #bpd #boldlybpd #majordepressivedisorder #ptsd #anxiety #depressionsucks #supportgroup #anxious #yournotalone #fighter #tryingtogetbetter #tryingtobereal #learning #advocate #mentalhealthawareness #mentallyill #mentalhealthwarrior #talkinghelps #invisibleillness #recovery #stepsforward #yegvlogger #yegblogger #poet #writer

[jennhope12-blog]

I’m working so hard on my recovery. I’ve become very self aware and self advocating which are huge steps in the right direction. I know that I’ll never be “better” but I can learn to cope better and react better. Therapy and medication together can help me live a better, fuller life and I want that so badly. But it’s on me to do the work, for me that can be hard but again I’m trying. For now it’s the best I have and I’m ok with that because it’s better than doing nothing at all. #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #mentallyillmom #recovery #choosingtobehealthy #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #bpd #boldlybpd #yournotalone #invisibleillness #tryingtogetbetter #learning #blogger #vlogger #writer #lovethis #spoketome

[jennhope12-blog]

I can never say it enough, but it so true our mental health affects our physical health and vice versa . I’ve been sick for over 2 weeks had a flu, got put in meds, reacted to meds, then other meds also reacted to meds... so two ECGs later and a crap load of blood..... tomorrow my results. But I’m exhausted and the truth is I’ve been pushing through as much as possible with taking things on, working, my family. Keeping busy keeps my mind quite but it’s a toll on me all this. We all have stress we are adults... bills, jobs, relationships etc.... my body and my mind just react different. #physicalhealth #mentalhealth #mentalbattle #stressed #tryingtoadult #learning #keepingbusy #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #boldlybpd #bpdblogger #fighter #emotionalmess #tryingtogetbetter #myexpirience #writing #blogger #vlogger

[jennhope12-blog]

This is so very me. #underrepair #learning #healing #workinghard #workingonmyself #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #bpd #boldlybpd #quotes #wordsthatresonate #yournotalone #invisibleillness #lovethis #mentalhealth

[jennhope12-blog]

Everyday is hard, everyday I fight just to be. I wake up and I start the day dreading that I’m still here, that I know I’ll have to battle the demons all day. Everyday I fight just to go out into the world. And this time last year I wouldn’t have done anything. That feeling would have won and I would’ve lost my job, kept kids home... I would have done anything just to not do anything. Today, I awoke with that same dread and darkness and doubt, but I fought it. Took a while but I knew once I got up and got out I would be ok. So that’s something.... #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #mentallyill #bpdmom #bpdblogger #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #depression #anxiety #ptsd #learning #tryingtoadult #tryingtogetbetter #yournotalone #invisibleillness #stigmafighter #fighter #sharingmystory #myexpirience #todayiwon #gettingthere #patienceisavirtue #recovery #healing #journey #blogger #vlogger #writer

[jennhope12-blog]

Happy tears fall as I just got booked in for my very first and so needed psychiatrist appointment. Nurse said it isn’t til Jan I said my heart just felt lighter knowing one was coming.... got put on cancellation list and now I happy cry!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 #finally #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentallyill #mentalhealth #mentalbattle #borderlinepersonalitydisorderproblems #bpd #recovery #learning #tryingtogetbetter #tryingtobereal #happytears #yournotalone #bpdblogger #yegblogger #yournotalone #invisibleillness #depression #fighting #advocate #sharingmystory #mystory

[jennhope12-blog]

Talking about you- somehow about me .. BPD mind!

Mind melting honesty from my oldest son , and my head hurts. Being in charge of another’s life is truly the hardest and most rewarding job. I’m in a state of believing I’m not very good at this job I’ve been chosen. But that right there is my mental illness talking.......

As he spills pent up held back feelings to me, I make a point of telling him my reaction may not be what he expects. I don’t take in information the same. All he wants to do is communicate, be heard and all I can do is worry I’m going to take everything he says wrong! My mind should be on just his words, not making it about me.

I listen to my amazing child tell me things he’s held inside, clearly effecting his own mental health, and my heart is hurting. My anxiety has increased in a short time and as I’m trying to be supportive, understanding as I’m trying to be a mom all I hear is that dark whispering voice telling me I’ve failed. I’m the failure, he hurts because of me. My lack of maturity and my below average mothering has pained my child. It’s all me.

Everything’s always about me!!

Truth is that’s not what he was saying to me at all!! At ALL!! In fact him coming to me and opening up to me proves the exact opposite. I’ve raised an amazing child, and he knew he needed to get some stuff out and he trusted me enough to come to me . All points toward me doing a good job.

I know I’m not perfect, I was a child raising children. I’ve grown up being a mother and fighting an internal darkness since I can even remember. I do expect from myself that my kids don’t ever feel the way I did. Alone, abandoned, sad! Thinking I didn’t do even that, hurts my soul! But that’s just it, my thinking is the problem. And right now I can not control even my basic thinking.

I can’t even handle a conversation. I listened and I faught the feelings, I ignored the voice. I want my kids to talk to me, I want people I love to talk to me. So I tried my very best. I never knew trying to fight it was so hard, it was.

I ended the conversation, hopefully after he got some release but I couldn’t fight it anymore. My heart rate racing, my tears building I just wasn’t hearing him and so I was doing him a disservice. It was supposed to be about him not me! I honestly let him know what I was thinking and feeling, how his words twisted in my head because he needs to know he’s not doing anything wrong. It’s me not him.

And even though our talk ended far sooner than I know it should have due to my personal weakness, I still feel we both heard each other. I hope he knows how hard I tried for him because he’s worth ignoring all the darkness. His feelings are valid and important. I love him!

I’m not the same as I was even two years ago, not the same woman not the same mother. Different can be great too, that’s where my focus is. And even though I may be crappy at it I’m gonna keep trying and working on me. Working on being the best mother, wife , me I can possibly be! Mental illness and all!!

Jenn Hope(c)