#borderlinepersonalityawareness

[missunderstoodinsanity]

This  isn’t going to be easy to type, considering the amount of time we have spent together the last 6 years 2 months and 5 days. The day you came into my life you were dressed to perfection with your confidence and influencing ways. You spoke to me so subtly though I could relate immensely to you. It was a conversation I had never experienced before in my life. Something so authentic and personal and you were there and you listened to me and I fit into you so perfectly like you were made for me; but, the thing is, you were made from me.

For so long I have thought that who I was, was you, Borderline Personality Disorder,or BPD. You convinced me I was so much like you that night I first heard your name. You were spoken through the mouths of Wynona Ryder and Angelina Jolie starring in Girl Interrupted. I knew I belonged with you the moment my fingers went straight for my phone to type in your deffinition in the DSM5. You were laid out so vulnerably on the table, like a buffet, each dish representing a different part of you. I laid there thinking about trying each bite of you out. Starting with the Unstable Relationships and moving my way through the self destructive behaviors. I wanted a big ole whoppin scoop of fearing abandonment and for desert I wanted to try out the Explosive anger. It was like each bite I took, I was eating my own flesh. It was me, it was my body laid out there. You were so beautiful and you made sense which for me in this world is all I need to happen. For something to make sense. I felt like I made sense.

You had me at hello. But you drove me to goodbye. We spent countless relationships self destructing it. Not you, I mean me. Accusing you of unimaginable things, out of this world things, so fucked up I HAVE SEEN IT things. I was crazy but I feared loosing you. Without you I could not exist. You gave my life meaning and purpose. As long as I acted how I was written, then I was a piece to the puzzle. I wasnt a piece, I was the whole puzzle.

You had me believing I was the whole puzzle. I wasn’t even a piece to you. I was that lonesome vacant hole right in the middle. A hole surrounded by 999 people, supposedly just like me. It was a cult, really. We all worshiped you and looked up to you for guidence but all you ever did for me was push the people that were closest to me away and filled me with a lifetime supply of anger and jealousy. You restrained me and held me hostage against myself, I couldn’t be MYSELF because you were strict on how I had to act. My chameleon personality I soon began to think was what triggered the light in me.

I am leaving you, BPD. You and I are not the same. You have no more control over my life. The cutting has got to stop because I am so beautiful, why am I ruining my skin? My outer shell, I tattoo to hide the scars but they are still there, underneath, peaking through and staring at me reminding me of what you influenced me to do. I will admit, I had the choice…You were so convincing though. My communication with my loved ones will no longer be a tangled phone chord from the 70s. A true and genuine connection will hopefully be received on both ends.

I am tired of hurting people and to be honest, I don’t need another roomate. Pack your behaviors and jump off a cliff, like HE did.

The only reason I am leaving you this letter is so I can put you in the past and consider you a “learning experience”. II will never truly be healed from the scars you left, but that is okay because when I see them, I will no longer feel your guilt. No more games, BPD, please stay away

[arealcoolhandstudios]

So I conducted a little social experiment  on FB with a politically heated post the other day. i'm not sure what i expected to learn, but i learned a lot about the growing divide between us as a society. We're becoming so conditioned to blindly react to anything that doesn't conform to our own sensibilities. We're all so angry. And we don't know who to be angry at. So we attack each other on social media. how did we get to this point? I'm sure someone is going to read this and find a way to argue against me, just because that's what we're supposed to do.

I'm mentally ill. I have been since elementary school. I've known a very long time I do not see the world the way the people in my life, friends and family do. And that makes me sad, because I wish you could see what I see...

[cloudedmind3-blog]

When getting into your day seems overwhelming, start with a basic skill.

[doseofcraziness-blog]

#Repost @borderline.screams • • • • • • some tips #bpdsupport #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlineawareness #borderlinepersonalityawareness #borderlinepd #bpd #bpdawareness #bpdrecovery #bpdhelp #bpdwarrior #friendsofbpd #mentalhealthawareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Bw7ET09g05vkLBTBUCdMrJfls4LEru8L2n2-ec0/?igshid=1ou76y91ea797

[omnipotent-selflove]

Borderline whaaaat? Borderline personality disorder is an Axis II psychiatric illness. The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders categorizes Axis II disorders as stable and durable disturbances in psychological function categorized by the following:

Intense abandonment fears - The person will go to great, often irrational lengths to avoid being abandoned by friends and loved ones. This includes real and perceived abandonment. People with BPD are typically insecure and hypersensitive to signs of rejection and abandonment, which means they sometimes see it where it really is not.

Emotional disregulation - In other words, rapid-cycling mood swings. While bipolar disorder, for example, features alternating periods of depression and mania, each lasting several days or even weeks, mood swings in BPD are much more frequent and abrupt. A person with BPD can be angry, depressed, joyful, and bored in one afternoon.

Self-destructive impulsivity - This includes such behaviours as compulsive spending, casual sex, substance abuse, gambling addiction, and shoplifting.

A pattern of black-and-white thinking - They perceive themselves, others and the world around them as either "all good" or "all bad". Their perception of another person, for example, will vary from complete idealization ("She can do no wrong.") to complete devaluation ("She is a cruel, evil person."). This tends to compromise the stability of the BP's relationships with other people. This is termed "splitting."

Self-injury - Though this is not reported in all cases, around 75% of people with BPD who seek mental health treatment self-injure in some way.

Suicidal behaviour - This includes suicidal ideation (thinking about or considering suicide) and suicide attempts. Suicidal behaviour in BPD can also arise when the person feels threatened with abandonment.

Identity disturbances - People with BPD typically cannot see very far into the future (e,g,. have trouble setting long-term goals for themselves) because they have a handle on their authentic self.

Inappropriate and uncontrollable anger- This is extremely damaging to relationships. People with crave close relationships, then unwittingly sabotage them.

Dissociation- (a feeling of detachment from one's body and actions) or paranoid ideation as a reaction to stress - This usually happens in more severe cases of the disorder.

Chronic feelings of emptiness-This is associated with identity problems.

People struggling with BPD already have enough on their plate without having to deal with the stigma and lack of understanding associated to their disorder. We can change that! You've already helped to make a difference by reading this article.

Let's all do our part during May to help raise awareness for borderline personality disorder, so it can finally be recognized as the serious mental health issue it is

[missunderstoodinsanity]

It has been exactly 4 months since the last time I encountered you and let you persuade me into ruining my forearms. This is the longest i have gone without seeing you in 5 years. I can feel the blood under my skin flowing throughout my body. I want to empty it so bad but even one puncture could be fatal.

I have been able to stay sober from you by coping in more positive ways, such as sitting and observing how intense the feeling is then describing out loud or on paper how it physically feels. You would be suprised what adjectives pop into your head to describe how you feel. Right now, I feel agitated and anxious/scared. These are trigger emotions. I dont want to avoid feeling them but confront them head on in my wise mind. Why run to hurting yourself just because you are scared to make a phone call? So many other alternatives than cutting.

I want to see red. I want to feel its molassesy texture and watch it elongate through my finger tips. Bright red. Watching my life in between my thumb and pointer finger. All I can think about is red and not to be strange but I yearn to taste it once again.

I’m writing to you, reader, to let you know that if you are having urges right now to put down the blade and pick up the pen. Write. Draw. Scribble or chew the pen cap. I dont care. Whatever it takes to get you into wise mind. Whatever it takes to keep you from destroying the most important gift, your body. Trust me when I say these scars hold me back from everything in life. Only because I let it hold me back. I have made the step and started working again. Its been about 3 months now.

Tes, people ask about the scars. They ask all the time. No a cat didnt do this, I did this to myself. No I dont want to explain to you what logic I used at the time because I didnt think logically, I thought emotionally and on impulse.

The urges subside the more you write. The intensity slows down. And that rush subsides. The urge for instant gratification is soon passed and I get to congratulate myself for making it through another wave of urges.

Situational stress has got the best of me but no matter what, I am trying to stay abstinent from you, self harm. I am achieving my goals and I dont need you ruining my plans again.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Romanticizing the rush

and wiping away the tears

that I flushed last night.

It came to me so subtly

that I could not let you in

but not quick enough to have distorted the thought of touching you in the first place.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

It's been a long time. Its been a long time since I have seen you my friend. My sharp-straight-edged little friend. I have missed you just as much as I miss my father. You were there for me when he was absent. Holding you in between my thumb and pointer fingers, I just miss having you around. We created masterpieces together. We expressed the pain together and we feel closer to each other, like my” favorite person” with my BPD. The way you glide so generously across the skin of my forearms, diving deep under my flesh and settling near my arterial veins. Such Russian roulette and such a climax.

I haven’t cut in a long time. Maybe 3-4 months, someone go back and do the math for me. I have kept my skin pure and I have gotten its glow back. It is soft, colored and clean. No red has flowed down and disrupted the flow of my skin tone. Except for those scars, which I have mentioned look like bare artifacts of what happened in the past.

People make jokes, sometimes about trying to carry ones weight on their shoulders. Like in a “Wife Swap” episode i saw, this lady made the other husband wear a belt with weights in it to understand how the kids felt. This is kind of like that but imagine having them right there, on top of your arms for the whole world to see. The faint purplish red of something I did to myself.

Why do I do this to myself? There are canvasses all around me. I don’t mean this like I am going to go around and stab each and everyone of you (I am not going to do that just so we are clear) I mean like, look at nature. Look at the sky for one and second look at the whole picture you could paint on. Look how humongous it could be. It could be fucking epic. Do not waste time with the little canvas on yourself. Keep it bare, naked and beautiful; and ladies or gents with tats, those are beautiful as well.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

If you miss someone who died by suicide

[cloudedmind3-blog]

Ironically one of the big things I’m having to learn is not always be responsible for things that aren’t my responsibility. I have to save me, and stop trying to save everyone else who isn’t there to save me. #dbtskills #borderlinepersonalityawareness #cbdnarcissist #mama.llamacbd

[gayfirebird]

This is areally great piece, thank you for sharing it.

Very ernest and many things i can relate to.

Getting free of self identification of being your illness is a great feeling.

This  isn’t going to be easy to type, considering the amount of time we have spent together the last 6 years 2 months and 5 days. The day you came into my life you were dressed to perfection with your confidence and influencing ways. You spoke to me so subtly though I could relate immensely to you. It was a conversation I had never experienced before in my life. Something so authentic and personal and you were there and you listened to me and I fit into you so perfectly like you were made for me; but, the thing is, you were made from me.

For so long I have thought that who I was, was you, Borderline Personality Disorder,or BPD. You convinced me I was so much like you that night I first heard your name. You were spoken through the mouths of Wynona Ryder and Angelina Jolie starring in Girl Interrupted. I knew I belonged with you the moment my fingers went straight for my phone to type in your deffinition in the DSM5. You were laid out so vulnerably on the table, like a buffet, each dish representing a different part of you. I laid there thinking about trying each bite of you out. Starting with the Unstable Relationships and moving my way through the self destructive behaviors. I wanted a big ole whoppin scoop of fearing abandonment and for desert I wanted to try out the Explosive anger. It was like each bite I took, I was eating my own flesh. It was me, it was my body laid out there. You were so beautiful and you made sense which for me in this world is all I need to happen. For something to make sense. I felt like I made sense.

You had me at hello. But you drove me to goodbye. We spent countless relationships self destructing it. Not you, I mean me. Accusing you of unimaginable things, out of this world things, so fucked up I HAVE SEEN IT things. I was crazy but I feared loosing you. Without you I could not exist. You gave my life meaning and purpose. As long as I acted how I was written, then I was a piece to the puzzle. I wasnt a piece, I was the whole puzzle.

You had me believing I was the whole puzzle. I wasn’t even a piece to you. I was that lonesome vacant hole right in the middle. A hole surrounded by 999 people, supposedly just like me. It was a cult, really. We all worshiped you and looked up to you for guidence but all you ever did for me was push the people that were closest to me away and filled me with a lifetime supply of anger and jealousy. You restrained me and held me hostage against myself, I couldn’t be MYSELF because you were strict on how I had to act. My chameleon personality I soon began to think was what triggered the light in me.

I am leaving you, BPD. You and I are not the same. You have no more control over my life. The cutting has got to stop because I am so beautiful, why am I ruining my skin? My outer shell, I tattoo to hide the scars but they are still there, underneath, peaking through and staring at me reminding me of what you influenced me to do. I will admit, I had the choice…You were so convincing though. My communication with my loved ones will no longer be a tangled phone chord from the 70s. A true and genuine connection will hopefully be received on both ends.

I am tired of hurting people and to be honest, I don’t need another roomate. Pack your behaviors and jump off a cliff, like HE did.

The only reason I am leaving you this letter is so I can put you in the past and consider you a “learning experience”. II will never truly be healed from the scars you left, but that is okay because when I see them, I will no longer feel your guilt. No more games, BPD, please stay away