missunderstoodinsanity

[missunderstoodinsanity]

If you miss someone who died by suicide

[missunderstoodinsanity]

I am so grateful to have gotten such a great review and chosen as a top pick by this reviewer. The review is thorough and well constructed. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts girl!

Check out the book on amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1664192611/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Verifícalo en Amazon

My mental health memoir on maladaptive and addictive behaviors.

Misunderstood Insanity https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09GB5LSM3/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_P0AF6302HK5RDMZ100P9

Being diagnosed with severe mental health issues, Nicho'lle writes in her diary to to cope with grief, self-harm, substance use, hyper sexuality and other negative behaviors. Through narratives, thoughts, poetry, songs and short stories, she leads her readers through the mind of what she believes is insanity and shows us how beautiful the mind can really be.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

It has been exactly 4 months since the last time I encountered you and let you persuade me into ruining my forearms. This is the longest i have gone without seeing you in 5 years. I can feel the blood under my skin flowing throughout my body. I want to empty it so bad but even one puncture could be fatal.

I have been able to stay sober from you by coping in more positive ways, such as sitting and observing how intense the feeling is then describing out loud or on paper how it physically feels. You would be suprised what adjectives pop into your head to describe how you feel. Right now, I feel agitated and anxious/scared. These are trigger emotions. I dont want to avoid feeling them but confront them head on in my wise mind. Why run to hurting yourself just because you are scared to make a phone call? So many other alternatives than cutting.

I want to see red. I want to feel its molassesy texture and watch it elongate through my finger tips. Bright red. Watching my life in between my thumb and pointer finger. All I can think about is red and not to be strange but I yearn to taste it once again.

I’m writing to you, reader, to let you know that if you are having urges right now to put down the blade and pick up the pen. Write. Draw. Scribble or chew the pen cap. I dont care. Whatever it takes to get you into wise mind. Whatever it takes to keep you from destroying the most important gift, your body. Trust me when I say these scars hold me back from everything in life. Only because I let it hold me back. I have made the step and started working again. Its been about 3 months now.

Tes, people ask about the scars. They ask all the time. No a cat didnt do this, I did this to myself. No I dont want to explain to you what logic I used at the time because I didnt think logically, I thought emotionally and on impulse.

The urges subside the more you write. The intensity slows down. And that rush subsides. The urge for instant gratification is soon passed and I get to congratulate myself for making it through another wave of urges.

Situational stress has got the best of me but no matter what, I am trying to stay abstinent from you, self harm. I am achieving my goals and I dont need you ruining my plans again.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: Misunderstood Insanity book by Nicho’lle

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Romanticizing the rush

and wiping away the tears

that I flushed last night.

It came to me so subtly

that I could not let you in

but not quick enough to have distorted the thought of touching you in the first place.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Hands dripping clean of posion,

you laugh and i know you are toyin’ with my mind.

Do not come to me

those who “carry the cross” yet

proclaim to be

your neighbor.

I would be carrying for two or three

if it wasn’t for the law in my country

that took me out of slavery

from abusive men.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

It's been a long time. Its been a long time since I have seen you my friend. My sharp-straight-edged little friend. I have missed you just as much as I miss my father. You were there for me when he was absent. Holding you in between my thumb and pointer fingers, I just miss having you around. We created masterpieces together. We expressed the pain together and we feel closer to each other, like my” favorite person” with my BPD. The way you glide so generously across the skin of my forearms, diving deep under my flesh and settling near my arterial veins. Such Russian roulette and such a climax.

I haven’t cut in a long time. Maybe 3-4 months, someone go back and do the math for me. I have kept my skin pure and I have gotten its glow back. It is soft, colored and clean. No red has flowed down and disrupted the flow of my skin tone. Except for those scars, which I have mentioned look like bare artifacts of what happened in the past.

People make jokes, sometimes about trying to carry ones weight on their shoulders. Like in a “Wife Swap” episode i saw, this lady made the other husband wear a belt with weights in it to understand how the kids felt. This is kind of like that but imagine having them right there, on top of your arms for the whole world to see. The faint purplish red of something I did to myself.

Why do I do this to myself? There are canvasses all around me. I don’t mean this like I am going to go around and stab each and everyone of you (I am not going to do that just so we are clear) I mean like, look at nature. Look at the sky for one and second look at the whole picture you could paint on. Look how humongous it could be. It could be fucking epic. Do not waste time with the little canvas on yourself. Keep it bare, naked and beautiful; and ladies or gents with tats, those are beautiful as well.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

This  isn’t going to be easy to type, considering the amount of time we have spent together the last 6 years 2 months and 5 days. The day you came into my life you were dressed to perfection with your confidence and influencing ways. You spoke to me so subtly though I could relate immensely to you. It was a conversation I had never experienced before in my life. Something so authentic and personal and you were there and you listened to me and I fit into you so perfectly like you were made for me; but, the thing is, you were made from me.

For so long I have thought that who I was, was you, Borderline Personality Disorder,or BPD. You convinced me I was so much like you that night I first heard your name. You were spoken through the mouths of Wynona Ryder and Angelina Jolie starring in Girl Interrupted. I knew I belonged with you the moment my fingers went straight for my phone to type in your deffinition in the DSM5. You were laid out so vulnerably on the table, like a buffet, each dish representing a different part of you. I laid there thinking about trying each bite of you out. Starting with the Unstable Relationships and moving my way through the self destructive behaviors. I wanted a big ole whoppin scoop of fearing abandonment and for desert I wanted to try out the Explosive anger. It was like each bite I took, I was eating my own flesh. It was me, it was my body laid out there. You were so beautiful and you made sense which for me in this world is all I need to happen. For something to make sense. I felt like I made sense.

You had me at hello. But you drove me to goodbye. We spent countless relationships self destructing it. Not you, I mean me. Accusing you of unimaginable things, out of this world things, so fucked up I HAVE SEEN IT things. I was crazy but I feared loosing you. Without you I could not exist. You gave my life meaning and purpose. As long as I acted how I was written, then I was a piece to the puzzle. I wasnt a piece, I was the whole puzzle.

You had me believing I was the whole puzzle. I wasn’t even a piece to you. I was that lonesome vacant hole right in the middle. A hole surrounded by 999 people, supposedly just like me. It was a cult, really. We all worshiped you and looked up to you for guidence but all you ever did for me was push the people that were closest to me away and filled me with a lifetime supply of anger and jealousy. You restrained me and held me hostage against myself, I couldn’t be MYSELF because you were strict on how I had to act. My chameleon personality I soon began to think was what triggered the light in me.

I am leaving you, BPD. You and I are not the same. You have no more control over my life. The cutting has got to stop because I am so beautiful, why am I ruining my skin? My outer shell, I tattoo to hide the scars but they are still there, underneath, peaking through and staring at me reminding me of what you influenced me to do. I will admit, I had the choice…You were so convincing though. My communication with my loved ones will no longer be a tangled phone chord from the 70s. A true and genuine connection will hopefully be received on both ends.

I am tired of hurting people and to be honest, I don’t need another roomate. Pack your behaviors and jump off a cliff, like HE did.

The only reason I am leaving you this letter is so I can put you in the past and consider you a “learning experience”. II will never truly be healed from the scars you left, but that is okay because when I see them, I will no longer feel your guilt. No more games, BPD, please stay away

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Ghost in the attic,

please won’t you stay.

Your silhouette softens more

day by day.

Apparition in the attic,

Don’t go today;

lie with me in good company

and help me welcome the day.

Phantom in the attic,

Hide-and-seek is what you play.

You’re feeling less social

more and more each and every day.

Spirit in the living room,

I will not lead you astray.

Don’t follow the empty footprints;

I left for you that day.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

I too suffer bpd. And as crazy as it sounds, I love my diagnosis. I love what I can do with my mind. We are one of a kind people with a lot of insight. Check out my website I just started Www.MissunderstoodInsanity.simplesite.com. everything I post has to do with my disorder

Only part about borderline I like:

How manipulative I am and how I can transform and make anyone think they know me and like me and need me. Is this true for anyone else? I mean it usually happens when I like someone… I just morph. Weird.

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Web page for those suffering or know someone suffering from mental illness

[missunderstoodinsanity]

First blog

Drinking. Using. Cutting. Self harming. Pretending. Dissociation. Isolation. Obsession.

These are some ways to deal with painful emotions. A lot of us turn to one or more of these when we don’t know how to deal with feelings such as anger, frusteration, confusion, sadness, depression, and even...

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Drinking. Using. Cutting. Self harming. Pretending. Dissociation. Isolation. Obsession.

These are some ways to deal with painful emotions. A lot of us turn to one or more of these when we don’t know how to deal with feelings such as anger, frusteration, confusion, sadness, depression, and even...

[missunderstoodinsanity]

Coping mechanisms - healthy vs unhealthy

Drinking. Using. Cutting. Self harming.  Pretending. Dissociation.  Isolation. Obsession.  These are some ways to deal with painful emotions. A lot of us turn to one or more of these when we don't know how to deal with feelings such as anger, frusteration, confusion, sadness, depression, and even mania; but, did we ever stop and think that what we are doing may be more harmful then helpful?         Sure, drinking and getting high can be fun. Let's be real here, it's a lot of fun. When we do this we are altering our state of mind. We start pretending. Alcohol can give us confidence. Gives us an excuse to be someone were not. We behave differently then what we would have if we had stayed sober.  Girls: how many of you would walk up to a man that you do not know that you see at the grocery store or gas station and tell him you think he is attractive? Would you start dancing with him in the middle of the parking lot? Probably not. If you answered yes, then your probably one of those rebellious girls whose just disagreeing with me to be difficult OR you are one of the few women in this world who is comfortable enough with herself to show vulnerability and take chances. If it's the second one then I say this sincerely PROPS TO YOU. Here is where I'm going with this. When we are drunk or high, we do things we typically would not. We're not afraid to be shot down. Again, we have more confidence. We would walk up to every man in the bar and ask random stupid things like "Do you want to sleep with me?" Even if we really don't want to sleep with everyone we asked, hearing yes is reassurance for us.  So why is this unhealthy? Why is it a bad thing to have more confidence? Well, it's not but what is is that you are not being true. You are in a different state of mind from your true self. Can you even remember why you started drinking in the first place? That's right, I was drinking because I was sad I didn't get that promotion at work so instead of being assertive and asking my boss why I was overlooked, I decided to throw back some shots and try to forget about it.  AVOIDENCE. Not a healthy way to cope with anything. Temporarily you may forget about the sadness or anger you feel but it will still be there in the back of your mind. So lynsey, what are some healthy ways to cope then? My answer: be true and follow your heart. Every time your faced with a difficult situation your heart tells you the right way to handle it but we are so quick to listen to our minds that we shut out the initial voice and begin arguing with ourselves. WE convince ourselves that avoidance and harm are the ways to go.  The healthy ways may not seem more fun at the time but would u rather be happy and content or have fun for a few hours and go back to discomfort? Noone wants to feel discomfort but the initial sting only hurts for a few minutes. If you keep messing with it, it only gets worse.   Stay true-