#boosh is the only exception

[nolanhattrick]

WHY IS ILYA SAMSONOV BEING FORCED TO DO HIS JOB!! FUCK ALL OF YOU!!

[copperpipes]

Speaking of speculative biology, I've been coming up with creatures for the alien planet of my friend

The creatures on the planet don't have mouths and photosynthesize and have three pairs of limbs so it's been fun trying to figure out how a predator works but I think I got it

They have a 'mouth' on their stomach and it's like a jellyfish that takes in food and expels waste with the same hole. The face is used for stabbing and the arms grapple prey and tear them to pieces

But honestly the best part is that I managed to make dragons like creatures!

The autotrophs are a magenta color instead of green, but funny enough they have green blood. They don't use their wings to fly, except the smol guys,but to capture sunlight!

There are humanoid-like creatures too that's the species of my friend, but the family is diverse!

I also have insects like creatures where the wings are from ancient gills like how this world's insects are thought to evolve them.

The first pair of limbs on the insect form and the huh, idk I don't have a name for the top row, can taste things

The dragon forms most likely lost that but still have taste receptors else where

And the bird forms have more taste receptors on their belly area because the first limbs are covered in sharp teeth-claws

Speculative biology is a lot of fun

Rad

But I do have an important note for you.

I'll start from ❗you don't have to listen to me❗

I am but a little nerd, this is just an issue I want to point out to maybe help improve your and your friend's work, do with this whatever you want :]

So, the issue i found is with your photosynthesizing life forms. I guessing you based this idea off the leaf sheep slug, which is the only animal that uses photosynthesis as one of its sources for energy(that's not a plant or a coral, or plankton), because just photosynthesis cannot be the only one. The only ones who can use just photosynthesis are algae, plant cells, and generally sessile organisms like sometimes dinodlagellates who live in corals.

Point is, photosynthesis works on a cellular level. Mostly only for the cell itself, even plants (single cellular and not single cellular, there are exceptions in both) can't live only off of the energy photosynthesis provides, they still need additional nutrients and minerals for everything to work.

For moving creatures, ones who have a brain and muscles and need to run from predators, it wouldn't be enough. Luckily this is fixable, and with no need to significantly change anything or cutting things out.

Some suggestions (again you can ignore this, but if you still decide to use it, you don't have to credit me)

1. Increase surface area and chlorophyll concentration;

You already covered them in little fur which is a step in the right direction and a very cool design point ;] but really don't be shy with it, look at the leaf sheep again

Look at those booshes

And the higher concentration of chlorophyll would be per spot the more energy would be produced, you can kinda see that in plants in areas with rare or little sunlight, they either have a very saturated green color or a dark one.

2. Give them an additional/other way of getting energy;

I would recommend filter feeding through their wings to keep the no mouth bit. or they could dig into the ground and get nutrients like plants do while they sleep.

3. Take a turn from biology;

You know what else uses sunlight to produce energy and does it better then chlorophyll? Solar panels.

Yes, the material is man-made and inorganic(95% silicone, common thing in the earth's crust), but have you ever heard of the volcano snail (or Scaly-foot gastropod)? Very cool creature, it lives around hydrothermal vents and is covered with iron scoots with iron compounds in its shell. And enzymes are a thing :]

-

One thing doesn't exclude the other, so go wild!

Also instead of wings I could recommend sails, but that's for you to decide and the reasoning is great

Now that that's finished, imma [explode]

Like, this is so cool, creative, fascinating shit, delectable. Love the fact the chlorophyll is pink, love the jellyfish stomach idea, love the mantis arms. About the taste thing tho maybe not taste but smell? Like ants

And yes, spec bio is a lot of fun, I wholeheartedly agree :>

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

(This one gets a bit weird, and it's also a bit long. Also, Hi!)

~~~~

There are seven deadly sins in this world. Everyone knows about them, what they are, how to avoid them.

Everyone also knows that almost everything has an opposite. Even people had opposites, called Hels.

Nobody had put two and two together, and now something weird had happened.

You see: you get to meet your Hels, aka your bad side (and similarly, Hels get to meet their good side) either after you become 26 years old, or a month after you join your first server, whichever comes first.

Now- enter Mumbo. Mumbo was still a teenager when he joined, and was nowhere near 26. Still, it was about time for Mumbo to meet his Hels. Xisuma was getting the portal ready, and was prepared to step into the void portal with him to make sure that his Hels didn't try anything funny.

He added the final bits of the base portal, and called Mumbo over so that he could complete it. (Only admins could build a base portal, and only the hermit who needs to step through can complete it, using aspects of their own being, [Like: False using a chip of her favorite sword, Keralis using booshes, etc.] and then stepping through.)

Mumbo and Xisuma stepped through the portal, and X didn't see the familiar face in the void ("Because it's not my portal", Xisuma reminded himself) but instead saw...

Six Mumbo-like figures, all of them in white, the only difference between them being the color of their separate ties, and their general attitudes.

Mumbo took note of this and said:

"Erm... sins. No, not sins, the opposite of them?"

The one with the Green tie nodded, and Xisuma was confused as to how someone had six Helses. Much less Mumbo, X was Half expecting Mumbo not to have one at all! (Or at least, to have a mock type one like he had... Although Alex was rather nice.)

Mumbo continued. "Err... You're admiration, correct? And then you'd," He pointed to the one in the orange tie, "be self-denial. Or asceticism."

He kept pointing and listing them off. "Chastity...Abstinence...I believe that is good humor...and looking at you, I'm going to guess overworking."

A new one, with a pink tie, came over. "You almost forgot two. Denial, and you."

Mumbo (Xisuma had to resist the urge to call him "the one with the red tie") drew closer to Xisuma's side, saying: "Well, If you guys are the opposites, and I have done my research properly, I think that the only one left should be pride. and the opposite of Pride is... Oh."

~~~~

Basically, the headcanon is that Mumbo is one of seven beings who are basically the opposite of the deadly sins. (Except for the pink one, and I added that because pink technically isn't a color of the rainbow.)

.

[spencerscharacterbattle]

WELCOME TO THE SECOND SUPER AWESOME CHARACTER BATTLE, NOW WITH 128 CHARACTERS!!!!!

this bracket has 128 of my current favorite characters in media, whether they be obscure or well-known!

HOW THE FORMAT WORKS!:

the first round will contain a battle between the four characters in each box. only two in each box will move forward (the highest and second-highest voted)

the second round will contain a battle between two winners of one square and two of another, and only two will move forward

the third round is exactly like the last round, except only one will move forward

the fourth round will contain a battle between one winner and another, and only one will move forward

the fifth round is exactly like the last round, with the winner moving forward to compete for the ultimate win

the sixth round is the final round and will decide who is the winner of Spencer’s Super Awesome Character Battle 2024!!

just like last year, each poll will be up for a week, so there’s plenty of time to vote for your faves!!

THE CHARACTER BRACKET IS BELOW!!!

(there is a text transcript under the “keep reading” as the text is very small, i apologize for that)

victoria chase (hot in cleveland) vs brock (unikitty) vs chococat (sanrio) vs bozz (the state)

hello kitty (sanrio) vs applejack (mlp) vs bumper allen (pitch perfect) vs kenneth (craig of the creek)

derpy (mlp) vs peggy (papa louie) vs aidan russell (rainbow high) vs rick (the state)

pizza steve (uncle grandpa) vs princess celestia (mlp) vs christine (the state) vs ernie (sesame street)

ariel (the little mermaid) vs starlight glimmer (mlp) vs louie (the state) vs gonzo (the muppets)

levon (the state) vs marley rose (glee) vs choo choo (jellystone) vs bert (sesame street)

rock (rock paper scissors) vs princess luna (mlp) vs deuce gorgon (monster high g3) vs violet wolf (great wolf pack)

octavius (night at the museum film version) vs lee ping (detentionaire) vs cavendish (milo murphy’s law) vs damien (total drama reboot)

purple m&m (the m&ms) vs cheese sandwich (mlp) vs bowie (total drama reboot) vs vince noir (the mighty boosh)

scooter (papa louie) vs glep (smiling friends) vs barry (craig of the creek) vs bridgette (total drama)

holly de’vious (rainbow high) vs wander (wander over yonder) vs octavius (night at the museum animated film) vs secret keeper (craig of the creek)

pepé (the muppets) vs frankie stein (monster high g3) vs hunter (sean saves the world) vs thacher (hailey’s on it)

allan (smiling friends) vs trixie lulamoon (mlp) vs delilah fields (rainbow high) vs naboo (the mighty boosh)

pekkle (sanrio) vs jedediah (night at the museum film) vs princess cadance (mlp) vs poppy rowan (rainbow high)

U*SA*HA*NA (sanrio) vs eva (total drama) vs yolanda (the muppets) vs emperor awesome (wander over yonder)

holger (detentionaire) vs moana (moana) vs noah (total drama) vs lightning mcqueen (cars)

sarah (yolo) vs cam (detentionaire) vs dracula (monster high g3) vs scissors (rock paper scissors)

pim (smiling friends) vs dakota (milo murphy’s law) vs sabrina st. cloud (rainbow high) vs melanie moretti (hot in cleveland)

rachel (yolo) vs commander peepers (wander over yonder) vs mark (craig of the creek) vs uma van hoose (rainbow high)

pinkie pie (mlp) vs omar (craig of the creek) vs biffy (detentionaire) vs margot de perla (rainbow high)

sean harrison (sean saves the world) vs cooper (trolls) vs orange m&m (the m&ms) vs ahkmenrah (night at the museum)

liz (sean saves the world) vs juke (the amazing world of gumball) vs gwen (the state) vs octavia (mlp)

pencil (rock paper scissors) vs amiria (papa louie) vs natasha zima (rainbow high) vs toralei stripe (monster high g3)

steve (the state) vs jedediah (night at the museum animated film) vs clawdeen wolf (monster high g3) vs abed nadir (community)

howard moon (the mighty boosh) vs raj (total drama reboot) vs troy (the state) vs scarlett (papa louie)

sylvia (wander over yonder) vs rizzo (the muppets) vs max thompson (sean saves the world) vs richmond (the it crowd)

gwimbly (smiling friends) vs wanda (the state) vs ghoulia yelps (monster high g1) vs brandy (detentionaire)

sheryl meyer (rainbow high) vs dj pon 3 (mlp) vs wayne (total drama reboot) vs top cat (jellystone)

emma (total drama reboot) vs joy scroggs (hot in cleveland) vs master frown (unikitty) vs david (craig of the creek)

milo murphy (milo murphy’s law) vs paper (rock paper scissors) vs charlie (smiling friends) vs frida kahlo (clone high)

bob moore (hot in cleveland) vs barry (the state) vs tow mater (cars) vs laurel de’vious (rainbow high)

felix unger (the odd couple 2015) vs liezel (papa louie) vs rainbow dash (mlp) vs sugar (glee)

[the-smut-analyst]

Fantasy Rom-Coms

The genre I never knew I needed. Until I found it.

Short 'n' sweet book rec post today (because I know I've been doing a lot of deep-dive analyses of late). I deserve a break. You deserve a break. So let's do it.

Here's my top three fantasy rom-com series at the moment!

Pick them up if you enjoy a bit of smutty fantasy and are in the mood to laugh.

1. Anything by Kimberly Lemming

I do not know if my tits were built for murder. I don't even think they were built with my back in mind.

Lemming is an auto-buy author for me. This woman is bloody hilarious. The humour is farcical and somewhat absurdist, which is my absolute favourite style. I grew up with the likes of Monty Python, The Mighty Boosh, and The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson - so Lemming's work is right up my alley.

Her character Alexis, the dirty-talking sword (yes, you read that correctly) is, in my mind, nothing short of comedic genius.

"Oh my god, chip my steal, you're so annoying," Alexis snapped. "Maybe if you fixed your attitude and took a bath once in a while, women would talk to you. You smell like old cheese and a mother's regret."

I know some reviewers have been thrown off my the modern vernacular in Lemming's work, due to its medieval-like fantasy setting. However, I think that is exactly what makes these books so good (and refreshing).

The love interests speak a bit more "ye oldy", while the female protagonists speak like we do. The result is something akin to what might happen if a modern romance reader were dropped into a smutty fantasy world. It's brilliant. For example:

"Every scratch," he whispered, his tone gentle and comforting. "Every bruise, I will pay back in fire and blood." I blinked. "Um... that is so sweet but so unnecessary."

I'd recommend reading Lemming's work in publication order, which is as follows (links included):

That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon

Mistlefoe (novella - available with KU)

That Time I Got Drunk and Yeeted a Love Potion at a Werewolf

Two Scoops of Hellfire (novella - standalone - available with KU)

A Bump in Boohail (novella - available with KU)

That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Human

2. Alphas of Nasila series by V.K. Ludwig

“If you ever see me running in heels, then you better run, too,” she says with a scoff. “What am I supposed to run away from, anyway?” “Me!” “Why? You got a chase kink or something?”

The best way I can think to describe this series is that it is Omegaverse satire. The pairings are alien males and human females, and the smut / romance includes all your fairly standard A/B/O tropes - with the exception of non-con. The consent is refreshingly solid here.

Book one of this series, Heat for Hire, was actually my entry into the Omegaverse. If you're unfamiliar with the genre, then this is a good place to start because the protagonist, Elli, is unfamiliar with how alpha/omega pairings work. So all the... ahem... knotting, heat cycles, etc. are explained via her first experience of them.

My skin prickles at the memory of Rhen’s growl. But only until I remember that I rubbed myself to orgasm on a civil servant.

However, book two, Knot for Nest is by far the best of the series, in my opinion. The chemistry between the two protagonists, Lucy and Tjor, is brilliant - and it's just a genuinely hilarious read. Lucy is a snarky, independent omega who absolutely knows how to play the big, bad alphas to her advantage.

Book three, Purr for Purchase, is a lot higher angst (and less comedic) than its predecessors. It wasn't really my cup of tea, but that's just because I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy in romance.

If you've tried the Omegaverse before but not enjoyed it because of the power imbalances or dub/non-con, then I'd still recommend this series. The Omega / Alpha dynamic is very much reserved for the bedroom and does not reflect how the couple interacts outside of it. This is particularly true of Lucy and Tjor. She might enjoy being "dominated" during sex, but she genuinely holds all the power in the relationship.

“Big, bad alpha, all calm and well-behaved between my thighs.”

The characters in each Alphas of Nasila book are interconnected and the events chronological. However, you do not necessarily have to read these books in order. If you're sceptical of the Omegaverse in general, start with book two. All these novels are available with KU.

3. Claws & Cubicles Series by Kate Prior

Some people really haven’t adjusted to life under the Dark Reign of Terror yet. Some things are different, but honestly it’s all cosmetic. Things aren’t that different from when we had a normal, living CEO.

This series is like The Office, but with monsters (and smut). The dry, relatable humour of a boring corporate job - but with non-human co-workers like orcs, the undead, etc - is genius.

The comedy definitely leans into that classic British deadpan / understatement style. Think IT Crowd, Faulty Towers, and After Life. I think anyone who's ever worked in an office will definitely be smirking and chuckling their way through this series.

“You could have just called me in. I’ve got skin.” I wonder if that last remark is rude or something. After all, he doesn’t really have skin, to my knowledge. I hope I don’t have to take an undead sensitivity training class now.

Book one, Live Laugh Lich, gets pretty kinky (the MMC has three... er... yes). The smut here isn't going to be for everyone. But I liked the humour so much that I didn't really mind if the intimate scenes weren't my cup of tea.

However book two, The Orc From the Office, holds a much broader appeal, I think. I adored this installment. I'd recommend pushing through and reading this, even if you had mixed feelings on book one. The orc MMC is a socially awkward cinnamon roll and I love him.

I wonder distantly if my health insurance covers being eviscerated by Orc cock.

Book three, The Gargoyle from General Management, left me a bit wanting in terms of the character development. However, the setting of everyone being away together on a company retreat was comedy gold.

All of the Claws & Cubicles books are available on KU.

That's all! I hope you enjoy the smutty rom-com fantasy recs!

This post includes affiliate links to help me create content. No pressure to use them! But if you do, I'll be very grateful :)

[flowery-laser-blasts]

My not so serious KP villain headcanons:

Personal headcanons that I have for the Kim Possible villains (not all of them). Long post.

Shego loves horror movies and podcasts and once scared the living hell out of Drakken after watching Ringu. She hid under the bed and once he almost drifted off to sleep, she reached from underneath to grab his hand and reveal her with hair covered face.

Shego hates cooking and rather orders take out than go through the effort of prepairing meals. The worst part is cleaning up dishes.

Shego can warm/radiate heat through her hands with her powers in a non-harmfull way. This comes in handy when massaging Dr D's stiff shoulders.

Shego's favourite chickflick is Legally Blonde. She showed it to Drakken once, he too, likes it. Now after every defeat they watch this movie while patching themselves up.

Dr Drakken loves British comedy such as Monty Python, the Mighty Boosh and Little Britain. He often quotes their jokes.

Dr Drakken has a complex bedtime skin care routine that he never skips and follows to a T. Though he only does it before bed, so if he stays awake for several days in a row, he won't do it until actually going to bed.

Dr Drakken actually plucks away stray hairs around his eyebrow to keep the look 'clean' and 'on fleek'.

Dr Drakken's shampoo smells of Lush' sugarplum fairy bodyspray.

Dr Drakken always sings the Mighty Boosh' 'Soup Song' when preparing soup. His secret ingredient to his vegetable soup with mini meatballs is tiny elbow macaroni.

Dr Drakken's 'take over the world by plants' scheme was stolen/inspired from Duff Killigan's failed attempt at turning the world into a golfcourse when the two were over at his place to discuss plans on the Tempes Simia idle and Monkey Fist was away to use the restroom.

Duff Killigan has one of those 'golf-on-your-toilet' golf sets in each restroom/bathroom.

Duff Killigan's favourite Disney movie is Brave, but more so because of the mother daughter bonding aspect of the story. He's a sucker for those kinds of movies.

Monkey Fist loves Shakespeare's works solely because of the infinite monkey theorem.

Monkey Fist has an incredible hatered towards the song "Banana Man" by Tally Hall and 'Day-O' by Harry Belafonte. It's an earworm that never leaves within a day and makes the monkey ninjas dance uncontrollably.

Monkey Fist takes extremely good care of personal hygiene and regularly cuts his nails.

Adrena Lynn's actual name is Adrien.

Adrena Lynn called out the Jackass cast for being fakes.

Adrena Lynn's favourite non extreme sport is table tennis.

Adrena Lynn started the 'girl dinner' tend.

Gill's favourite animals are sharks.

Gill bullied Ron because he wanted to look cooler in front of other camp kids. At his school, he would be the one being bullied.

Gill actually didn't dislike Ron at first but it changed when Ron grabbed an extra (and the last) chocolate pudding cup during dinner on their first day of camp.

Professor Dementor shines his helmet with a hand held waxing device, he never takes it off though.

Professor Dementor's favorite snack is caramel seasalt pretzels.

Professor Dementor wanted to become a children's book writer when growing up.

Dr Drakken, Monkey Fist and Duff Killigan play Dungeons&Dragons. Monkey Fist DMs most of the time, second is Drakken; Duff never DMs. The big bad evil guy is Kim Possible but they almost lose every campaign except for the rare occasion in which the BBEG dies due to accidental environmental circumstances out of their hands. They tried to replicate it irl but where do you find a giant dragon, three gnomes an enchanted blueberry pie and a catapult?

Motor Ed uses WD-40 for his hair instead of conditioner, seriously.

Motor Ed is a diehard Meatloaf fan (the artist, not the food).

Motor Ed despises Meatloaf (the food, not the artist).

Frugal Lucre loves pineapple pizza with extra ham

Frugle Lucre's arch enemy is Kim's cousin Larry.

Frugal Lucre collected cuddlebuddies but his mom threw them out because "you're too old for these toys, so I gave them away to your niece Pamela for her baby room" and that's his villain origin story.

Frugal Lucre has a Dr Drakken cosplay that he sometimes wears to (Hench co.) conventions (inspired by @gothicthundra 's Halloween chapter)

DNAmy's biggest inspiration for fashion is Velma Dinkley from the Scooby Doo franchise.

DNAmy hates Tom and Jerry because it promotes 'violence'.

DNAmy actually is pretty chill and wouldn't mind Kim Possible's company as long as Kim apologises for destroying her work. Kim is a fellow cuddlebuddy collector after all.

After Monkey Fist turned into stone, DNAmy tried reviving him. It didn't work out. She eventually moved on and started dating Frugal Lucre. They're in a happy committed relationship now.

The Bebe bots have their own reality show in Japan and are content with the attention and admiration from fans. They were offered a contact as idol group but they denied it because they didn't want to collaborate with Hatsune Miku.

Señior Senior Junior became a top model and worked with the fashionistas but when they got arrested again, SSJ used his privilege to continue his career.

With the help of Bonnie, Señior Senior Junior wrote an autobiography about his life under the influence of his father. It's titled "I didn't want to be a criminal, but Daddy made me do it." And it is said to become an autobiographical movie (but once again, Junior can't star in it).

Señior Senior Junior and Bonnie got married after Bonnie graduated from college.

Señior Senior Junior loves My little Pony friendship is magic and writes wholesome fanfiction. He likes PinkPie because she likes to party. He also realises that a lot of his youth is missed out on because of his father's wealth. He is semi thankful for villainy because it introduced him to Shego and their friendship. He tried making her watch it but she didn't seem into it.

Señior Senior Senior could actually give up villainy for his future grandchildren. This was Bonnie's initiative, because she doesn't want her kids to grow up around inmates and prisoners.

That's it for now, if I've got more I'll add it here!!

[grimmars]

Noel fielding character sexuality headcanons!

Richmond Avenal:

Amab non-binary (they/them) - Bisexual

Gay posh vampire fits the bill

Vince Noir:

Afab genderfiuld (any pronouns) - Bisexual

Doesn't really mind being called a girl

Thought he was only into girls before they entered the goth scene

Noel (Luxury comedy):

Amab libramasculine (they/he) - Pansexual

No one on this show has a gender (except for dolly and maybe raymond boombox)

Dickie:

Mtf trans woman (she/her) - Unlabelled

Dickie was the only one I got stuck on sexuality wise, I don't know what she'd be into considering the area she's in isn't giving many options

Plus, she needs mad therapy I feel bad for my queen

Noel (Mint royale - Blue):

Ftm trans man (he/him) - Gay-Polyamorous

100% in a poly relationship with the robbers

They give him a cut for t-shots and saving for surgery

Had a punk phase and may or may not still be going through it

Noel (Wuthering Heights):

Mtf trans woman (she/her) - Lesbian

She's really sweet and gets really shy when girls call her pretty

Loves cottagecore and fairycore aesthetics

(I chose to ignore the kiss on the judges cheek for my headcanon)

If there was a spider-verse for noel fielding characters, Wuthering heights and Mint royale would be besties.

Ed Banger:

Cis man (he/him) - Gay

No one remembers Ed but he was the first noel character I ever saw and my life changed forever

He has no personality but is gay cause he's a rock star played by noel so duh

Pete Sweet:

Cis man (he/him) - Bisexual - Polyamorous

Is probably married to stitch like 20 years later

Maybe they added a third to their relationship at one point

I like to imagine that sweet is an au of mighty boosh where everything is the same but no fantasy stuff happens, they just work in a shop and love each other

[acomputeryguy]

Really surprised to see people criticising the new TV show for its messaging (e.g. the Jobs episode overtly critiquing western work structures) when the YouTube episodes did... exactly the same thing?

Episode 1 (Creativity), Episode 3 (Love [read: religion]), 4 (Computers), and 5 (Food) were all commentaries on their subject matter. The fifth episode is the most obvious with its use of the "health shape" (versus the food pyramid) and the contradictory, confusing guidance on what food is "healthiest" to eat.

Episode 2 (Time) also kind of counts, but that's the more existential of the subjects, the overall point being to just not take time for granted because it moves on inexorably no matter what.

I think people get so lost in the theory-making with the YouTube shorts though that there's not enough focus given to the commentary happening in each individual episode. Nobody really talks about what Healthy was trying to achieve, fans instead obsess over Duck's image being on the food cans, the horror of Yellow Guy appearing to have eaten his friend, the fact Red is missing having had his mind blown in the previous episode... But on the surface, the creators are poking fun at the way food is advertised and talked about.

The behind-the-scenes narrative was something adopted by the fans, not really the true creative intent. I've always felt that, personally. And I think it's very telling that the creators didn't vibe with Wakey-Wakey if we keep that in mind. DHMIS on the surface has always been about commentating on current affairs (or topics that are prevalent in Western culture).

The reason it's difficult to pin down one single over-arching theory for the YouTube series is because each episode can exist independently, with the exception of episode 6. And the TV series repeats this. To put it simply, it feels a bit like a way of saying that the "lore" implications are a last thought, and not necessary to enjoy the series as a whole. If DHMIS wanted to expand its world and lore, it could have started with episode 6 and given us a very different series. What we got was how the YouTube series initially started but with a longer runtime per episode and more chance to the develop the three main characters. The extra set of stairs Yellow Guy misses before going back to his friends, however, feels like an invitation to keep theorising anyway, because it was the internet's obsessive need to find meaning in DHMIS that ultimately bought it its popularity.

But again, this then takes away from the "British-ness" of the series, which is really under-appreciated (and really being torn down by the loudest critics over here). I hope the series does well outside of fan interactions because as a jumping-in point for the uninitiated, it hits all the right beats for a quirky British comedy akin to The Mighty Boosh. It's just a little sad Channel 4 have parked it in an 11PM slot and right behind a Jimmy Carr-led panel show...

But yeah... YouTube's Episode 5 beats the audience over the head with its message just as much as Jobs does... The format is very similar too - even so far as Duck's discomfort with the subject matter that is being taught via the song not matching up with what is actually happening. He is the only one in Jobs to resist whilst Yellow Guy gets caught up (as he did in the YouTube episode) and Red Guy is for the most part, MIA (out in the "real world", playing his part as the company's manager).

The only key difference between the YouTube shorts and the Channel 4 programme is that, with a 23-minute run-time, the songs can't take up the entire episode and so as a consequence they aren't the most iconic takeaways.

What we've lost in quirky musical format, we've gained in character and relationship development for the trio though, and I'd argue that's not such a bad trade-off...

[syb-ill-ah]

Long post. Forgive. But STORY TIME!

How I discovered The Young Ones.

I am from and live in Czech Republic. The first time I've encountered TYO was on at like 1-2 AM and on a very alternative channel that we were watching with my mom. There were shows like Red Dwarf or The Mighty Boosh or...The Young Ones.

It was translated and with the exception of Sick and Summer Holiday even dubbed. At that time I was about 11 years old, learning English as a secondary language, so watching it in English was a rather difficult thing for me. I did later, when I was at high school and my English improved beyond the potato level. (Unlike my German skills, ha!) And I must say, the person who translated it into Czech was a bloody goddamn genius. I find some jokes even more hilarious than in the original.

And one thing I LOVE about the czech version is the utterly brilliant way we swear. Oh goddamn, if there's nothing else to love czech language for, this is the real stuff! Gives Vyvyan about four of three more creative ways to insult Rick. :D

Anyway, the first scene I've ever seen was the last scene from Bambi where they get squished and then the scientist feeds the sticky bun to the elephant. This teeny tiny sneak peek was enough for me to hopelessly fall in love with that show. I begged my mom to watch it every day it was on.

All the western culture stuff came to Czech Republic very late, precisy after '89 because we were part of the eastern Europe. That means the translation was made in the 90's, so it came in here long after it aired in the UK. Fun fact: the czech translation of TYO is as old as I am. (1998) Quick maths and you can safely say I was something about 20 years too late to discover The Young Ones, but let me tell you. It had something to say to me even though I was not only a young one, but a goddamn kid one. :D

The second time I watched it was when I was around 13 and that was the time it turned into a serious obsession. I understood more and more things over the years and almost literally grew up with that show.

I tend to get a little bit too excited about all sorts of stuff, but TYO always sits there in my heart to overrun my mind and the obsession gets stronger with each comeback.

It feels strange and kind of mind-blowing that I was raised watching The Young Ones as well as people who could be my parents.

I wish, I so damn wish, that Rik knew how timeless the thing is. That after almost 40 years there are still young ones, even from different countries, who love this show, who appreciate his genius and whom he influenced/influences.

Sorry for a long post and thank you so much if you read the whole thing. 🖤 I had to vent. D:

[ladydarklord]

The Mighty Boosh on the business of being silly

The Times, November 15 2008

What began as a cult cocktail of daft poems, surreal characters and fantastical storylines has turned into the comedy juggernaut that is the Mighty Boosh. Janice Turner hangs out with creators Noel Fielding, Julian Barratt and the extended Boosh family to discuss the serious business of being silly

In the thin drizzle of a Monday night in Sheffield, a crowd of young women are waiting for the Mighty Boosh or, more precisely, one half of it. Big-boned Yorkshire lasses, jacketless and unshivering despite the autumn nip, they look ready to devour the object of their desire, the fey, androgynous Noel Fielding, if he puts a lamé boot outside the stage door. “Ooh, I do love a man in eyeliner,” sighs Natalie from Rotherham. She’ll be throwing sickies at work to see the Boosh show 13 times on their tour, plus attend the Boosh after-show parties and Boosh book signings. “My life is dead dull without them,” she says.

Nearby, mobiles primed, a pair of sixth-formers trade favourite Boosh lines. “What is your name?” asks Jessica. “I go by many names, sir,” Victoria replies portentously. A prison warden called Davena survives long days with high-security villains intoning, “It’s an outrage!” in the gravelly voice of Boosh character Tony Harrison, a being whose head is a testicle.

Apart from Fielding, what they all love most about the Boosh is that half their mates don’t get it. They see a bloke in a gorilla suit, a shaman called Naboo, silly rhymes about soup, stories involving shipwrecked men seducing coconuts “and they’re like, ‘This is bloody rubbish,’” says Jessica. “So you feel special because you do get it. You’re part of a club.”

Except the Mighty Boosh club is now more like a movement. What began as an Edinburgh fringe show starring Fielding and his partner Julian Barratt and later became an obscure BBC3 series has grown into a box-set flogging, mega-merchandising, 80-date touring Boosh inc. There was a Boosh festival last summer, now talk of a Boosh movie and Boosh in America. An impasse seems to have been reached: either the Boosh will expand globally or, like other mass comedy cults before it – Vic and Bob, Newman and Baddiel – slowly begin to deflate.

But for the moment, the fans still wait in the rain for heroes who’ve already left the building. I find the Boosh gang gathered in their hotel bar, high on post-gig adrenalin. Barratt, blokishly handsome with his ring-master moustache, if a tad paunchy these days, blends in with the crew. But Fielding is never truly “off”. All day he has been channelling A Clockwork Orange in thick black eyeliner (now smudged into panda rings) and a bowler hat, which he wears with polka-dot leggings, gold boots and a long, neon-green fur-collared PVC trenchcoat. He has, as those women outside put it, “something about him”: a carefully-wrought rock-god danger mixed with an amiable sweetness. Sexy yet approachable. Which is why, perched on a barstool, is a great slab of security called Danny.

“He stops people getting in our faces,” says Fielding. “He does massive stars like P. Diddy and Madonna and he says that considering how we’re viewed in the media as a cult phenomenon, we get much more attention in the street than, say, Girls Aloud. Danny says we’re on the same level as Russell Brand, who can’t walk from the door to the car without ten people speaking to him.”

This barometer of fame appears to fascinate and thrill Fielding. Although he complains he can’t eat dinner with his girlfriend (Dee Plume from the band Robots in Disguise) unmolested, he parties hard and publicly with paparazzi-magnets like Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse. He claims he’s tried wearing a baseball cap but fans still recognise him. Hearing this, Julian Barratt smiles wryly: “Noel is never going to dress down.”

It is clear on meeting them that their Boosh characters Vince Noir (Fielding), the narcissistic extrovert, and Howard Moon (Barratt), the serious, socially awkward jazz obsessive, are comic exaggerations of their own personalities. At the afternoon photo shoot, Fielding breaks free of the hair and make-up lady, sprays most of a can of Elnett on to his Bolan feather-cut and teases it to his satisfaction. Very Vince. “It is an art-life crossover,” says Barratt.

At 40, five years older than Fielding, Barratt exhibits the profound weariness of a man trying to balance a five-month national tour with new-fatherhood. After every Saturday night show he returns home to his 18-month-old twins, Arthur and Walter, and his partner Julia Davis (the creator-star of Nighty Night) and today he was up at 5am pushing a pram on Hampstead Heath before taking the train north to rejoin the Boosh. “I go back so the boys remember who I am. But it’s harder to leave them every time,” he says. “It is totally schizophrenic, totally opposite mental states: all this self-obsession and then them.”

About two nights a week on tour, Fielding doesn’t go to bed, parties through the night and performs the next evening having not slept at all. Barratt often retreats to his room to plough through box sets of The Wire. “It’s a bit gritty, but that is in itself an escape, because what we do is so fantastical.”

But mostly it is hard to resist the instant party provided by a large cast, crew and band. Indeed, drinking with them, it appears Fielding and Barratt are but the most famous members of a close collective of artists, musicians and old mates. Fielding’s brother Michael, who previously worked in a bowling alley, plays Naboo the shaman. “He is late every single day,” complains Noel. “He’s mad and useless, but I’m quite protective of him, quite parental.” Michael is always arguing with Bollo the gorilla, aka Fielding’s best mate, Dave Brown, a graphic artist relieved to remove his costume – “It’s so hot in there I fear I may never father children” – to design the Boosh book. One of the lighting crew worked as male nanny to Barratt’s twins and was in Michael’s class at school: “The first time I met you,” he says to Noel, “you gave me a dead arm.” “You were 9,” Fielding replies. “And you were messing with my stuff.”

This gang aren’t hangers-on but the wellspring of the Boosh’s originality and its strange, homespun, degree-show aesthetic: a character called Mr Susan is made out of chamois leathers, the Hitcher has a giant Polo Mint for an eye. When they need a tour poster they ignore the promoter’s suggestions and call in their old mate, Nige.

Fielding and Barratt met ten years ago at a comedy night in a North London pub. The former had just left Croydon Art College, the latter had dropped out of an American Studies degree at Reading to try stand-up, although he was so terrified at his first gig that he ran off stage and had to be dragged back by the compere.

While superficially different, their childhoods have a common theme: both had artistic, bohemian parents who exercised benign neglect. Fielding’s folks were only 17 when he was born: “They were just kids really. Hippies. Though more into Black Sabbath and Led Zep. There were lots of parties and crazy times. They loved dressing up. And there was a big gap between me and my brother – about nine years – so I was an only child for a long time, hanging out with them, lots of weird stuff going on.

“The great thing about my mum and dad is they let me do anything I wanted as a kid as long as I wasn’t misbehaving. I could eat and go to bed when I liked. I used to spend a lot of time drawing and painting and reading. In my own world, I guess.”

Growing up in Mitcham, South London, his father was a postmaster, while his mother now works for the Home Office. Work was merely the means to fund a good time. “When your dad is into David Bowie, how do you rebel against that? You can’t really. They come to all the gigs. They’ve been in America for the past three weeks. I’m ringing my mum really excited because we’re hanging out with Jim Sheridan, who directed In the Name of the Father, and the Edge from U2, and she said, ‘We’re hanging with Jack White,’ whom they met through a friend of mine. Trumped again!”

Barratt’s father was a Leeds art teacher, his mother an artist later turned businesswoman. “Dad was a bit more strict and academic. Mum would let me do anything I wanted, didn’t mind whether I went to school.” Through his father he became obsessed with Monty Python, went to jazz and Spike Milligan gigs, learnt about sex from his dad’s leatherbound volumes of Penthouse.

Barratt joined bands and assumed he would become a musician (he does all the Boosh’s musical arrangements); Fielding hoped to become an artist (he designed the Boosh book cover and throughout our interview sketches obsessively). Instead they threw their talents into comedy. Barratt: “It is a great means of getting your ideas over instantly.” Fielding: “Yes, it is quite punk in that way.”

Their 1998 Edinburgh Fringe show called The Mighty Boosh was named, obscurely, after a friend’s description of Michael Fielding’s huge childhood Afro: “A mighty bush.” While their double-act banter has an old-fashioned dynamic, redolent of Morecambe and Wise, the show threw in weird characters and a fantasy storyline in which they played a pair of zookeepers. They are very serious about their influences. “Magritte, Rousseau...” says Fielding. “I like Rousseau’s made-up worlds: his jungle has all the things you’d want in a jungle, even though he’d never been in one so it was an imaginary place.”

Eclectic, weird and, crucially, unprepared to compromise their aesthetic sensibilities, it was 2004 before, championed by Steve Coogan’s Baby Cow production company, their first series aired on BBC3. Through repeats and DVD sales the second series, in which the pair have left the zoo and are living above Naboo’s shop, found a bigger audience. Last year the first episode of series three had one million viewers. But perhaps the Boosh’s true breakthrough into mainstream came in June when George Bush visited Belfast and a child presented him with a plant labelled “The Mighty Bush”. Assuming it was a tribute to his greatness, the president proudly displayed it for the cameras, while the rest of Britain tittered.

A Boosh audience these days is quite a mix. In Sheffield the front row is rammed with teenage indie girls, heavy on the eyeliner, who fancy Fielding. But there are children, too: my own sons can recite whole “crimps” (the Boosh’s silly, very English version of rap) word for word. And there are older, respectable types who, when I interview them, all apologise for having such boring jobs. They’re accountants, IT workers, human resources officers and civil servants. But probe deeper and you find ten years ago they excelled at art A level or played in a band, and now puzzle how their lives turned out so square. For them, the Boosh embody their former dreams. And their DIY comedy, shambolic air, the slightly crap costumes, the melding of fantasy with the everyday, feels like something they could still knock up at home.

Indeed, many fans come to gigs in costume. At the Mighty Boosh Festival 15,000 people came dressed up to watch bands and absurdity in a Kent field. And in Sheffield I meet a father-and-son combo dressed as Howard Moon and Bob Fossil – general manager of the zoo – plus a gang of thirty-something parents elaborately attired as Crack Fox, Spirit of Jazz, a granny called Nanageddon, and Amy Housemouse. “I love the Boosh because it’s total escapism,” says Laura Hargreaves, an employment manager dressed as an Electro Fairy. “It’s not all perfect and people these days worry too much that things aren’t perfect. It’s just pure fun.”

But how to retain that appealingly amateur art-school quality now that the Boosh is a mega comedy brand? Noel Fielding is adamant that they haven’t grown cynical, that The Mighty Book of Boosh was a long-term project, not a money-spinner chucked out for Christmas: “There is a lot of heart in what we do,” he says. Barratt adds: “It’s been hard this year to do everything we’ve wanted, to a standard we’re proud of... Which is why we’re worn to shreds.”

Comedy is most powerful in intimate spaces, but the Boosh show, with its huge set, requires major venues. “We’ve lost money every day on the tour,” says Fielding. “The crew and the props and what it costs to take them on the road – it’s ridiculous. Small gigs would lose millions of pounds.”

The live show is a kind of Mighty Boosh panto, with old favourites – Bob Fossil, Bollo, Tony Harrison, etc – coming on to cheers of recognition. But it lacks the escapism to the perfectly conceived world of the TV show. They have told the BBC they don’t want a fourth series: they want a movie. They would also, as with Little Britain USA, like a crack at the States, where they run on BBC America. Clearly the Boosh needs to keep evolving or it will die.

Already other artists are telling Fielding and Barratt to make their money now: “They say this is our time, which is quite frightening.” I recall Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, who dominated the Nineties with Big Night Out and Shooting Stars. “Yes, they were massive,” says Fielding. “A number one record...” And now Reeves presents Brainiac. “If you have longer-term goals, it’s not scary,” says Barratt. “To me, I’m heading somewhere else – to direct, make films, write stuff – and at the moment it’s all gone mental. I’m sort of enjoying this as an outsider. It was Noel who had this desire to reach more people.”

Indeed, the old cliché that comedy is the new rock’n’roll is closest to being realised in Noel Fielding. Watching him perform the thrash metal numbers in the Boosh live show, he is half ironic comic performer, half frustrated rock god. His heroes weren’t comics but androgynous musicians: Jagger, Bowie, Syd Barrett. (Although he liked Peter Cook’s style and looks.)

“I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation,” he says. Does it puzzle him that women find this so sexually attractive? “I was reading a book the other day about the New York Dolls and David Johansen was saying that none of them were gay or even bisexual, and that when they started dressing in stilettos and leather pants, women got it straight away with no explanation. But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You f***ing queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’”

The Boosh stopped signing autographs outside stage doors when it started taking two hours a night. At recent book signings up to 1,500 people have shown up, some sleeping overnight in the queue. And on this tour, the Boosh took control of the after-show parties, once run as money-spinners by the promoters, and now show up in person to do DJ slots. I ask if they like to meet their fans, and they laugh nervously.

Fielding: “We have to be behind a fence.”

Barratt: “They try to rip your clothes off your body.”

Fielding: “The other day my girlfriend gave me this ring. And, doing the rock numbers at the end, I held out my hands and the crowd just ripped it off.”

Barratt: “I see it as a thing which is going to go away. A moment when people are really excited about you. And it can’t last.”

He recalls a man in York grabbing him for a photo, saying, “I’d love to be you, it must be so amazing.” And Barratt says he thought, “Yes, it is. But all the while I was trying to duck into this doorway to avoid the next person.” He’s trying to enjoy the Boosh’s moment, knows it will pass, but all the same?

In the hotel bar, a young woman fan has dodged past Danny and comes brazenly over to Fielding. Head cocked attentively like a glossy bird, he chats, signs various items, submits to photos, speaks to her mate on her phone. The rest of the Boosh crew eye her steelily. They know how it will end. “You have five minutes then you go,” hisses one. “I feel really stupid now,” says the girl. It is hard not to squirm at the awful obeisance of fandom. But still she milks the encounter, demands Fielding come outside to meet her friend. When he demurs she is outraged, and Danny intercedes. Fielding returns to his seat slightly unsettled. “What more does she want?” he mutters, reaching for his wine glass. “A skin sample?”

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Shows that will exist when I rule the British television industry

- 10 Out of 10 Cats: This one I came up with last year, and maintain that it’s a winner. Sarah Millican hosts a panel show in which all the questions relate to trivia about the Felidae family. The sort of fact you’ll learn on that show is, for example, that “Felidae” is the name for the family of all 38 species of cat. All types of cats, big and small, wild and domestic, even fictional ones, will be discussed. We will revolutionize the format by having three teams, led by Joe Lycett, Nish Kumar, and Rose Matafeo.

The show will partner with animal rescues from across the UK, and for the last five minutes of every episode, we’ll bring out some cats from a shelter and the panelists and hosts will play with them. The show will put information on the screen and on their website about how to contact the shelter and adopt a cat that’s been played with by Rose Matafeo, and who wouldn’t want to do that? Some of the show’s profits will go to helping low-income families pay for the basic expenses associated with adopting and raising the cats from those shelters.

The number one rule of this show is that no one who has ever done anything terrible is allowed to be a guest on it. The only exception to this is Jimmy Carr, because the way he holds cats wrong is funny enough to be worth breaking this rule.

- The Boys with Four First Names: Once a week, John Oliver and Russell Howard talk over video chat for an hour. I realize they’re both very busy men, so I’d be happy to have the program be live, rather than taking several hours of their time that get edited down.

The conversations mostly revolve around what’s going on in the world, with an emphasis on comparing the trans-Atlantic perspectives. What does British news look like to Americans, and what does American news look like to Britons? What do British people not realize about what it’s actually like to be in America during [current American news story], and what does the American news get wrong about British stories (on the rare occasions that they cover it)? What are the similarities and differences in the ways both countries cover international news stories? Those are supposed to be the topics of the discussions, but it’s not all that structured and it’s fine for them to go off topic and just talk about their lives and make jokes as well.

Every year, we get a Christmas/year end special. The first year, Russell goes to America and John shows him around New York from the perspective of someone who’s live there for many years. The second year, John goes to England and him and Russell talk about what’s changed and what’s stayed the same since John used to live there. They alternate like that, doing the in-person special in America one year and Britain the next.

- Here is an excerpt from Lee Mack’s autobiography:

Make that fucking show. That’s it, that’s the idea. Take the exact show that was planned years ago, and actually make it.

Wait, I was wrong to say that’s the whole idea, as I do have an addition to this. Noel Fielding plays a recurring character who’s a whimsical puppet that comes in and tries to inject some fantasy into Lee and Sean’s characters’ lives. Sean’s character is very vulgar in the way he expresses his dislike for Noel’s character. Richard Ayoade plays another recurring role as Noel’s long-suffering deadpan friend (yes, at this point I am just re-creating the dynamic between Richard Ayoade and Noel Fielding’s Tony Harrison character and Richard Ayoade’s Saboo character on The Mighty Boosh, and that’s fine because that needs to be recreated).

- The Taskmaster Podcast Podcast. After each episode of The Taskmaster Podcast, Rose Matafeo and I (yep, fourth wall’s getting shattered here, this is my fantasy and I’ll give myself a podcast if I want to) do a podcast episode in which we discuss our own perspectives on that television episode and its podcast discussion episode, with an emphasis on the ways in which we think Ed Gamble was wrong in his analysis of the show. Jo Brand makes a guest appearance every two or three episodes, but only to tell us that none of this matters and we’re silly for caring about it.

- The Mash Report 2: A spinoff of The Mash Report hosted by Rachel Parris’ character. I say her character because I want her to keep the exact same persona she had on the original Mash Report, reporting the news from the perspective of someone who tries to justify all the horrible things that happen. Nish Kumar is her co-host who expresses disbelief at her opinions and tries to talk sense into her, but she regularly shuts him down.

- Any kind of collaboration between Joe Lycett and Chris Flemming. I’ll let them work out the details.

- A reboot of Nathan Barley – not something that tries to be the same show, but something that takes that concept and applies it to the present day. Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker are back as showrunners (obviously) and they have almost entire creative control to make the show almost whatever they want. As ruler of the British television industry, I will give them just one stipulation: I need it to star Mae Martin.

- The Comedy World Cup will happen every year.

[psychoticwillgraham]

fuck it I’ll list my alters except for the two that I’ll get mocked for bc I’m gonna only list them on my separate system blog (I know ppl will still find this blog from it so either way I’ll get mocked but rn I’m just not comfortable saying much). I’m not going into detail about them rn, bc that’s for the other blog. (* denotes that they like to front a lot)

Regular alters

Irina

Raymond*

Xavier

Fictives

John Constantine* (Hellblazer)

Panty Anarchy (Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt)

Vince Noir (The Mighty Boosh)

Oliver (English Vocaloid)

Blaine Anderson* (Glee)

Will Graham (Hannibal)

Two fictives I won’t name currently due to their sources and the embarrassment it will bring me (hint: one is from a music video/sort of concept album/concept in general, the other is a YouTube character)

[captainbritish]

I posted 436 times in 2021

29 posts created (7%)

407 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.0 posts.

I added 398 tags in 2021

#text post - 330 posts

#shutupdashnobodycares - 34 posts

#tweets - 8 posts

#white people twitter - 6 posts

#doctor who - 6 posts

#images - 5 posts

#youtube reboot - 3 posts

#doctor who quote which basically turned into my life's motto :') - 2 posts

#thankyou - 2 posts

#youtube - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i've been trying to reach out and spend time with other queer folks in person and i'm so tired of getting misgendered by people who know

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

As I slowly work towards re-booting my YouTube channel, I done did myself a new logo with a bit of the ol' Mighty Boosh flair.

Yeee

14 notes • Posted 2021-09-29 05:51:22 GMT

#4

I know I'm late to the meme, but I don't think this joke has been made yet.

18 notes • Posted 2021-09-22 21:59:32 GMT

#3

Ran a bunch of Harry Potter PS1 characters through Remini. The results are mildly terrifying.

20 notes • Posted 2021-11-27 22:58:37 GMT

#2

All of the Doctor Who socials are down as part of a marketing stunt... Except their Tumblr. Even the marketing team has completely forgotten about Tumblr.

It's so funny to me how that platform was really important to their marketing during the Smith era and now it's just been abandoned.

63 notes • Posted 2021-10-08 21:50:24 GMT

#1

It's never going to not be funny that I have over 4000 followers on Tumblr but only like 20 active ones, the rest are dead MLP blogs from back in the day and bots.

68 notes • Posted 2021-11-12 06:03:44 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[the-casbah-way]

my stims but they get stupider and stupider:

- singing “this is my kingdom come” from the imagine dragons song but changing the words to this is my cum

- any of the crimps from the mighty boosh. usually soup or bouncy bouncy

- *julian fawcett voice* iiiii’llll maaaaake love to u if u WANT me to

- the thing walker does in dad’s army when he’s trying to keep his hat on except i never wear a hat

- saying “the other day” in a weird nasally english accent bc a teacher said it once when i was in school and my brain won’t let me forget about it

- there’s a hare. there’s a hare- THERES A HARE

- quoting that shitpost remix of les mis ,, AND IM JAVERT,,DO NOT FORGET MY MUM

- saying “paddington will die tonight” in the voice sirius black uses when he says only one will die tonight

- FAREWELL ARAGOG, KING OF THE ARACHNIDS.,,, uR BODY WILL DECAAaaaAAY

- any bo burnham lyrics like literally any but really fast and completely monotone

- going EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEE like how tobias does in arrested development

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Hangout - 11/24

Click the read more if you want to see @hiss-and-vinegar and Alastor have some extremely affectionate, tender, cuddly, and emotionally supportive best friend fluff.

And also to see a snake and a deer violently wrestling in the hotel lobby.

And make fun of each other’s French accents.

Alastor

Room set up, booze supplied and food as well presented as Alastor could manage on such short notice—maybe he should start keeping some hors d'oeuvres on hand in the ice box for times like this, Sir Pentious rarely seems to *schedule* his visits—and now to wait in the lobby for Sir Pentious's arrival.

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious? Scheduling his visits?? But then what of the element of SURPRISE that he enjoyed so much? It was one of the few ways he could add a bit of rebellion to his daily life. *Spontaneity!* Inconveniencing those around him just because he could! Anyway, it had worked out well last time, so the serpent hadn't any intention of changing his way of doing things.

The doors open up, and basking in the orange and reddish hues of Hell's bleak skies was none other than the snake demon himself. He held a cane in his right hand, leaning upon it as he slithered into the Hotel properly, through the entranceway, and towards the Concierge where he could see Alastor standing there. He stops, moving his head to the side to see if there was anything behind the Radio Demon--looked clear enough.

Alastor

Alastor looks up as soon as the door opens. "Ah! Right on time!" He heads toward Sir Pentious, closing the distance between them. "So, my friend, shall we?"

It certainly is clear enough. He's out in the open and completely defenseless.

Sir Pentious

You know how cats do that thing where their pupils enlarge? It shouldn't be possible for him, but it was known to happen. Sir Pentious lowered his body, just somewhat, and wriggled in place. His grin widened considerably, and it seemed as though his fangs had *lengthened* as well. The hat is getting into it, too, the both of them matching the crazed expression.

Alastor

That gives him pause. He stops several feet shorter than he'd planned. "You're looking a little more maniacal than usual," he says warily. "Scheming something new?"

He's about to get attacked, isn't he.

Sir Pentious

Do you know how fast a Cobra's strike is, Alastor?

In the time that you might have stopped to ponder that, Sir Pentious *lunges* for him, intent on TACKLING him and rolling across the floor. BOOSH--

Alastor

Fast enough that Alastor doesn't have time to avoid it—but he grapples Sir Pentious before they've hit the ground, getting one arm around the back of his neck and the other hooked under his armpit to keep him locked in place and unable to use that arm.

"You telegraph your attacks." He's half growling, half hissing with exertion. "Saw it coming. Now *you're* trapped with *me.*"

Says the man pinned flat on his back, scrabbling to get his legs around Sir Pentious's waist, no idea how to pin fifteen feet of snake without cheating by pulling out the tentacles.

Sir Pentious

"HA!!" He CACKLES, face mere INCHES from Alastor's--although with the way his neck is, it can be very far away. But he's choosing not to do that right now. "I CHOSE TO TELEGRAPH THAT ONE! FOR I WANTED TO SSEEE WHAT YOU WOULD--NGH--DO!" He says, flicking his tongue as he attempts to. Move his stuck arm,

"YOU ARE sssssssSTRONGER THAN YOU LOOK, ACTUALLY-- BUT!!! I!!! AM *MUCH HEAVIER.*" Time to. Raise himself up. C: How do you pile drive a man who is clinging to you???

"DO YOU BEG FOR MERCY, ALASSSSSTOR!?"

Alastor

You don't, that's how! "The bigger they are, the harder they fall!" He takes advantage of the temporarily reduced weight to twist to the side, squirm butt first sideways out from under Sir Pentious, and attempt to climb up onto Sir Pentious's back without letting go of his neck. "Mercy? From you? I'd be *insulted!*"

Sir Pentious

AHKKJDFJKJSHDFK! He's being CLIMBED!!! His eyes go all CRAZY--and he SCRAMBLES, trying to reach back to claw at him!!! All of his eyes are looking at Alastor, but alas, eyes on their won can't do much. He TURNS around, left, then RIGHT--DAMMIT!! Scrabble scrabble,

"WELL, *GOOD* BECAUSE I DO NOT--NGHGHRGH-- I DO NOT KEEP *PRISONERSSSS!*"

Alastor

Alastor laughs wildly—claw away, he has a pain tolerance somewhere halfway between "professional masochist" and "dead horse."

Unfortunately, while he's got a good grip, he can't DO much from right here. He could hypothetically strangle Sir Pentious until he passes out—but then he'd be passed out. All the tricks he knows to disable someone's legs are dependent upon them having legs. He gets one leg around Sir Pentious's hips and tries to slide the other one down lower to try to restrict the top of Sir Pentious's tail—yeah no, no, that's not going to do anything.

He can at least catch one wrist and... pin it behind Sir Pentious's back with his body? Yeah! Fifty percent less clawing.

Sir Pentious

............ That's it.

That's it! You know what he's going to do? He's going to LIE DOWN. Quite suddenly. Onto his back. THWUMP. And you know what he's going to do after that? Put his entire massive tail on top of himself. Get CRUSHED, you GRINNING DEERMAN.

Alastor

Why are they falling. Did he win—?

Oh. Shit.

The impact knocks the breath out of him with a loud crackle like the sound of thunder distorting a station's broadcast. For a split second, he's stunned—but he shakes it off when he feels Sir Pentious's back pressing harder against him as he prepares to pull up his frankly enormous tail. Oh no—

He attempts to squirm out of the way while the only thing he has to worry about is the weight of Sir Pentious's relatively slender torso, even relinquishing his headlock so he can push with both arms. He *nearly* gets free—except for one leg still pinned beneath. *Ow.*

He flings an arm and his other leg on top of Sir Pentious, trying to pin his tail in place against his torso while he's nearly doubled over like this. An alligator can bite hard enough to pierce steel but once its mouth is shut it can be kept shut with duct tape; maybe, Alastor thinks hopefully, trying to hold a snake doubled up like this is the same.

Sir Pentious

HA HA! Now, he had the Radio Demon exactly where he w---- What. What was this slithery man doing? Attempting to crawl out from under him? It wouldn't work, you can't get out of this one... His tail was going to come down, and that was going to be that! Crushed under the weight of SIR PEN--

Alastor had was apparently trying to pin his tail to his body to keep him from... what exactly??? Sir Pentious' eyes widened, a goofy amount as he turned his head to look at the impressive flexibility of a man who very much did not have as many joints as he did. "ALASSSTOR." He bares his fangs, quite psychotically.

"I AM MUCH MORE *FLEXIBLE* THAN YOU ARE!"

With a CACKLE, he wriggles the non-pinned portion of his tail upwards--if he had to crush Alastor beneath him in multiple ways, then so be it!!! No mercy? No insults, then!

He brings his tail down upon the both of them, like dropping the world's heaviest spaghetti onto a plate. SLAM!

Alastor

Yipe. He presses hard against Sir Pentious's side—like someone clinging to a friend during a jump scare at a haunted house—in the unconscious hope that the blow will come down less heavily if Sir Pentious has to slam himself just as hard.

If it helps, it's hard to tell. It knocks the air out of him again. *Wheeze.* He's not going to be able to take many more blows like that—it's a miracle that one didn't dislocate something—he's *got* to escape, but how—?

Sir Pentious has his entire tail in the air. Which is no fun for Alastor's pinned leg, but it means that Sir Pentious is only making contact with the ground along his back, the rest of him balanced precariously atop. Alastor considers this a split second; then unhooks the arm and leg he's been using to pin part of Sir Pentious's tail and *shoves,* trying to force him to roll over and fall onto his side so Alastor can free his pinned leg and squirm away.

Sir Pentious

The clinging gets loud purring out of Sir Pentious--but suddenly being SHOVED does end the entirety of that. You're right, the bigger they are, the harder they do fall! He goes briefly googly eyed as he topples over onto his side. His head whips around to watch the now free deerman--

"CAN'T GO FAR ON THOSE LEGSSSSSS OF YOURSSS ALASSSTOR!" But he doesn't give chase, instead rolling over again so he can lie on his front, his elbows propping up his head as he presses his hands to his cheeks, wiggling his tail with sadistic glee. "NO HUNTSSS TODAY, I'M AFRAID, NOT FROM THIS APEX PREDATOR!"

Alastor

He laughs triumphantly. Free! He back rolls away to get a little distance between himself and Sir Pentious, then gets to his feet!

And immediately falls on his butt again. With the tail of his coat flipped up and over his head from the back roll. The leg that was pinned to the floor is numb—it's only just starting to painfully tingle along his thigh where the blood flow was cut off.

He flips his coattail off his face, peers at his leg as he gives it an experimental wiggle, and says, "We'll call it a draw."

Sir Pentious

"*HEE HEE HEE!*"

Oh, look at Penny. He looks absolutely **tickled** with himself. He's hissing out laughter between his teeth, ssss ssss ssss!

Alastor

Oh. Hold on, Alastor's a little lightheaded suddenly. It's probably from that thwacking he took and definitely not anything else. Don't look at him, he's not staring at Sir Pentious, YOU'RE staring.

Wheezing with laughter between pants of exertion, he scoots up to Sir Pentious's side again. "I'm not used to fighting snakes!" He leans on an elbow. "I think I need more practice—but I didn't do bad, you have to admit that."

Sir Pentious

~~I am looking disrespectfully.~~ Sir Pentious turns to look at him, gesturing with his index claw to Alastor's face, then gesturing to the rest of him, "YES, YOU DID DO *RATHER* WELL! I HONESTLY DO NOT WRESTLE OFTEN! NO ONE TO DO IT WITH, AND IT ISN'T EXACTLY A *GENTLEMANLY* ACTIVITY. WHY, THE LASSST PERSON I WRESTLED WITH WAS THE LADY CENTIV. OH, WE BIT THE, AHEM, *SHIT* OUT OF EACH OTHER. IT WASSSS ONE OF MY FIRSSST ENCOUNTERSSS SSSINCE JOINING THAT WEBBED SSSITE."

Sir Pentious wiggles his fingers, "I AM MOSSSTLY SURPRISED YOU DID NOT SSSNAP IN TWO! YOU ARE MUCH SSSSTRONGER THAN YOU LOOK, I BELIEVE I SAID."

Alastor

"Biting's legal?! You mean I could have just—got my jaws around your neck when you were trying to flatten me with your tail, and that would have been it?" He'd considered it for a moment, while pressed up to Sir Pentious's side (listening to him purr), before electing to escape. An indignant harrumph. "The next time you launch a surprise attack, give me the rules of combat first."

Sir Pentious

He's BEAMING from ear to ear--well. He doesn't have any ears, but you know.

"I COULD HAVE BITTEN YOU, AS WELL, BUT THEN YOU'D BE LIGHTHEADED FROM BLOODLOSS BEFORE WE EVEN GOT OUT DRINK ON, MY GOOD MAN." Wiggly fingers!!!

Alastor

~~From snake headboob to snake headboob.~~ "So is the plan to wait until I'm drunk and then bite?" With mock offense, "When my senses will be fuzzy and I can't enjoy it properly?"

Sir Pentious

He just LAUGHS, and SLAPS Alastor on the back.

"YOU *FREAK*, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU! CANNIBAL COLONY, INDEED. BUT NO-- I'M NOT BITING YOU TONIGHT, UNLESS YOUR FOOD AND DRINK ARE NOT UP TO PAR!!!" He wiggles his tongue.

Alastor

He beams as he's slapped on the back like he just received high praise. Why yes. He is a freak. He can't get enough of you either. He's not staring at the tongue, YOU'RE staring— "No promises on the food, I had to make do with what was already in the hotel!" He gets to his feet, favoring his non-tingly leg, and offers a hand to Sir Pentious. "You can tell me whether it passes muster."

Sir Pentious

He takes the hand, but he ends up just getting himself back up--if he'd pulled on Al, he'd likely have just pulled him straight down. Heavy. Sir Pentious adjusts his bowtie, tilting his head somewhat upward like a certain <:chungo:738987082118201486> smug animal, "WELL, WELL, IT CANNOT BE HELPED. IN ALL HONESSSSTY, I CAME TO GET HAMMERED WITH MY BESSST MATE."

With a movement of his arms, he gestures towards the stairs, "LEAD ON, CHUM."

Alastor

"You're helping." He flings an arm around Sir Pentious's shoulders and leans on him to get the weight off his still-tingly leg. "I feel like I've just been injured in the trenches." He conjures up an old marching song to the rhythm of his walking and sings along to it, "*Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag, and smile, smile, smile~!*"

Sir Pentious

He lowers his hood a bit more to avoid smacking the deerman in his face. Again. For the upteenth time--he doesn't know the number, but he sure will chuckle along. "OH, THAT'SSS RIGHT, YOU WERE IN ONE OF THE WARSSS, WEREN'T YOU? I COULD HAVE SSSSWORN YOU MENTIONED THAT." Sure, he'll help you, but he has to lower himself a great deal--he's longer now than he used to be! "YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIT ON MY TAIL, I'LL TAKE YOU UP... BUT I DON'T KNOW WHICH ROOM YOU'VE DESIGNATED."

Alastor

"I was in the *great* one, in fact! It didn't feel too great from the front, but they didn't poll the troops before naming it."

He snorts at the offer. "And me without my cowboy hat. I'd look ridiculous, perched on you with my feet pulled up." But he glances back at the length of Sir Pentious's tail consideringly. Looking ridiculous isn't an automatic dealbreaker.

But he shakes his head. "No, no! I'd rather keep malingering from up here." He resumes humming cheerily. The poor soldier, wounded in action.

Sir Pentious

"YOU COULD ALWAYS RIDE SIDE-SADDLE, BUT IN MY OPINION, YOU ALWAYS LOOK RIDICULOUS." Prrr prrr. He looks so pleased with himself. "THE *GREAT* WAR... I DO NOT ENVY THAT, NOT IN THE LEASSSST." A chuckle, "AS MUCH AS I ENJOY CHAOS AND BLOODSHED, I'D MUCH RATHER NOT BE ON THE FRONT LINESSSS. NOT MY EXPERTISE!"

Alastor

He unconsciously llllleans a little more to feel the purring against his side. Good vibrations.

"It's not mine either." He grimaces. "But! Who wants to talk about the war! It was already old news a hundred years ago!" He points the direction to turn at the top of the stairs.

Sir Pentious

He's tempted to just LIFT Alastor up, but he's tired after their rough housing. Yes, that was the reason. Turning...

"TRUE ENOUGH. WHY, I DIED ABOUT FORTY YEARS BEFORE IT, GIVE OR TAKE! NO NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT, BUT SSSTILL. HOW INTERESSSTING IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF I HAD BEEN ABLE TO TRAVEL TO AMERICA, LIKE I HAD EVENTUALLY PLANNED. HAD I NOT DIED SSSO SSSUDDENLY, I WONDER IF WE WOULD HAVE MET SSSOMEHOW."

... A pause, "OH. RIGHT. WRONG VERSION! HA." He clears his throat, *where's the booze.*

Alastor

*Wrong version.* The same thought had hit him a moment faster than Sir Pentious, as he talked about never having been to America—when the version Alastor had known had had, as far as historians could work out, his entire career in the States.

He squeezes Sir Pentious's shoulders a little and plays along with the What If scenario. "I was born a couple decades after you died. By the time I would have been old enough to appreciate a meeting, you'd probably be well into retirement!" He laughs. "My molher told me that when she was a child, when you—*our* you, rather—were targeting American port cities, her family was making plans to migrate en masse inland to somewhere you wouldn't consider strategically valuable enough to hit—maybe join the Oklahoma land rushes, it was relatively close and they knew several other Black families going. But then you died and they stuck around in New Orleans."

He points at a door, here it is. "So, if you *had* come to America after '88—my mother might have ended up in Oklahoma while my father stayed in Louisiana and poor little Alastor would never have been born!"

Sir Pentious

He respects being humored without Alastor drawing too much attention to it. He listened with intent, trying to imagine the chaos his doppelganger sowed upon the port cities. A contented Cobra sigh, raspy and terrifying.

"*POOR* LITTLE ALASTOR! WHAT A SSSENTENCE THAT ISSS. YESSS, TOO RIGHT, I AM *MUCH* OLDER THAN YOU, CHUM. NOT THAT THAT KIND OF THING MATTERSSSS *HERE.* I'M OLDER THAN YOUR RAG-TAG POSSE PUT TOGETHER!" A chuckle.

He'll offer his arm for the Radio Demon, assuming his leg isn't back to its functional self, "YOU KNOW, MY FATHER WAS AMERICAN. FROM TENNESSEE. HE CAME OVER OUR WAYS ABOUT..." Hmm. Face of strained thought, "WELL, I'D SSSAY FIVE YEARS BEFORE HE MET MY MOTHER. HE CAME LOOKING FOR WORK, AND TO GET AWAY FROM THE *TENSIONS* IN THE SSSTATESSS, I IMAGINE. HE NEVER REALLY TALKED MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF, NOT TO ME."

Alastor

He's about to argue—Rosie's probably older than Sir Pentious several times over—but then he realizes that the "rag-tag posse" Sir Pentious is referring to is probably the hotel crew. "Ha! I don't know, Husk and I put together might have you beat, he's older than he looks."

His leg's just about back in working order, but that's not going to stop him from taking the offered arm. "Really! Half American, are you! I never would have guessed. I've never been to Tennessee—but I always meant to go, I had a pen pal in Memphis, brilliant occultist." He opens the door, tada. It's set up exactly the same as the last room they hung out in, booze and food waiting over on the expected table.

Sir Pentious

Oh excellent. He grins, showing off those sharp yellow teeth of his again, and pats his coat down. Good, good, he still has a few cigarettes on hand.

In Sir Pentious slithers, heading to the table immediately to claim dibs on a bottle of bourbon. He almost *nuzzles* it, it's been a while since he drank enough to get silly!

"YESS, HALF AMERICAN. I GENERALLY KEEP IT ON THE DOWNLOW, SSSINCE I BARELY KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY... OTHER THAN IT BEING LOUD ENOUGH TO HEAR ACROSS THE OCEAN, HA!"

Alastor

And here Alastor had expected him to go for brandy again.

"Ha! Guilty as charged and proud of it!" He unbuttons his coat and shrugs it off before he sits, asking, "You don't mind, do you? Maybe *you* can't sweat, but I can and I just wrestled an anaconda."

The food on offer is a weird hodgepodge of whatever Alastor could find that he thought met Sir Pentious's culinary preferences and that didn't come in plastic wrappers: French onion soup (leftover, but no need to mention that), a few rolls and a loaf of sourdough he popped into a nearby bakery to shamelessly steal, some smoked salmon—he gestures at it as the one item on display that most disappoints him, "I would have made *baked* salmon to go better with the soup if I'd known you were visiting"—and some cubes of beef he'd quickly seared, just barely on the cooked side of rare, tossed cheekily in a sugar bowl next to the French onion soup as if they were sugar cubes to be dropped into tea. With some random jams and a couple jars of mustard to compensate for the—by Alastor's standards—rather slim selection.

Sir Pentious

For a few seconds, Sir Pentious thought that Alastor was asking him if he minded that he was American. Once the sentence catches up, he waves a hand.

"NO, I DON'T MIND. I WOULD IF YOU WEREN'T WEARING ANYTHING UNDERNEATH THAT JACKET OF YOURSSSS." what a grin.

He's going to look over the selection, and cover his mouth as he looks a little.. Well! Sir Pentious didn't want to be *rude.*

"AH, AND HERE I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT SANDWICHESSSS! I'M INTERESTED IN YOUR MEAT CUBES." Hee hee.

Alastor

He looks over the display ruefully. "I should have had sandwich meat on hand. Consider the cubes yours!" He pulls the soup bowl over, this is his now. Doesn't even need to scoop some out of the serving bowl now, does he? "*Next time,* I *insist* on six hours' warning before you come over for a picnic. There's no greater crime than for a host to let his guest go hungry!" Says the man guilty of crimes like "murder" and "eating people."

Sir Pentious

Prr. He swoops his hood over his shoulder, playing with it idly and grinning.

"VERY WELL, ALASTOR. I WON'T DUMP ANYMORE SSSURPRISE, LASSSST MINUTE VISITSSSS UPON YOU, UNLESS THERE'SSS NO PROMISE OF FOOD TO BE SSSERVED!"

It was funny to show up unannounced, but having barely any food to show for it did cut down on that food. He takes a seat on the couch, still clutching the bourbon.

"ALL THINGSSS CONSSSSIDERED, YOU DIDN'T DO TOO BAD!"

Alastor

“Even then, unless we’re going out, I’d like to have *something* edible on hand! My mother would fly down from Heaven to give me an earful if she found out I’d invited a friend into my home without feeding him—and the hotel’s full of beds and I’m in it daily, so it counts as a ‘home’ on a technicality.”

He waves off the faint praise, but not without his chest puffing up a little. He picks up a spoon and points at the soup. “Not a fan of French onion soup, I take it?”

Sir Pentious

He laughs, "OH, IT WOULDN'T BE *HELL* SHE'D HAVE A PROBLEM WITH, EH? MOSSST ASSUREDLY YOUR HOSSST ABILITIESSS." He laughs through his teeth.

"OH, THE SOUP? I HAVEN'T THOUGHT TO CHECK IT YET, BUT MEAT IS WHAT I'M MOSSSST IN THE MOOD FOR."

Alastor

Cue the studio audience laughter. “Damnation is no excuse for starving a guest!”

Alastor brightens. He’d thought that Sir Pentious’s disappointment was due to his opinion of the available offerings, but maybe it was only the quantity. He pushes the soup’s serving bowl back to the middle and gestures at the two smaller empty bowls he’d supplied. “It’s all onions, butter, and cheese—but I thought you might want meat in it! It pairs best with venison, but in a pinch beef will do fine.” (A lot of the side dishes Alastor makes pair best with venison. Is it because he thinks everything pairs best with venison or is it because he’s biased toward cooking foods he can have with venison? Who can say.) “I recommend tossing a few cubes in, that’s what they’re there for. It’s excellent for dipping bread in, too. Usually toast, but soft bread’s fine.”

Sir Pentious

A brief face scrunch at the mention of toast. Sir Pentious doesn't bother with the smaller serving bowls, instead taking a spoon and dipping it into the soup.

"I HATE TOAST. IT IS TOO CRUNCHY, TOO *BRITTLE.* THOUGH I NEVER HAD A PROPER *TOASSSSTER* FOR THAT KIND OF THING."

Alastor

“You may notice I didn’t bring toast. After all, we know well that *crumbly* is for the *lower class!*” No, he’s never going to forget that Sir Pentious said that.

Sir Pentious

He *cackles*, and puts the spoonful in his mouth. Wow, he didn't recoil this time! Instead he actually swallows it down, clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

"NOT BAD AT ALL, ALASSSTOR."

Alastor

He’s going to add that sand-sized grain of gold to the jar in which he collects words of positive affirmation from Sir Pentious. “I’ll keep it in my recipe book!” Apparently they’re eating straight out of the serving bowl. He gets a slice of sourdough and dips it into the bowl, like it’s some kind of au jus/fondue. “It uses a beef stock, so it still tastes rather meaty even without any actual meat.”

Sir Pentious

Snickering through his teeth, he moves to drop a few meat cubes into the soup. Sploot.

"THAT'SSS A FUN THING TO DO TO THE *HERBIVORES,* WOULDN'T YOU SSSSAY? NYA HA HA!"

Alastor

He laughs at the thought. “I don’t get along very well with vegetarians—but oh, wouldn’t that make them hopping mad! I’ll keep it in mind if I ever need to really insult one.”

Sir Pentious

"*SSS SSS SSS!*" OH, he is GIGGLY today! You're making him laugh so much, Alastor. But anyway, time to try the meat with the soup.... Nomf....

"MM, VERY WELL PREPARED. JUSSSST THE WAY I LIKE IT."

Alastor

He’s noticed! And every time it makes his dead heart flutter. “Good! I do believe I’m getting your tastes figured out.” As a reward for a job well done, he’s grabbing one of the meat chunks the next time he dips his bread in the bowl.

Sir Pentious

BRIEFLY BRISTLES. He fights the urge to be selfish, actually... Usually he would yell and fuss!

But he doesn't. Instead, he just WATCHES ALASTOR INTENTLY.

Alastor

Alastor watches Sir Pentious watch him intently. “... I *cooked* these, I can have one.”

Sir Pentious

"YES." He leans on his chin on his hands, still watching him with an ever growing grin! What a brat.

Alastor

Then he’s going to chew EXTRA SLOWLY, so Sir Pentious KNOWS that he’s savoring it.

Sir Pentious

SHIT EATING GRIN. What is wrong with this man. Finally he turns off of this nonsense, and reaches for a roll to bite into. Nomf.

Alastor

Alastor huffs, and takes another dip of the soup. "So, what brings you by so suddenly? A desperate desire to grind my smile into the floor, or something else?"

Sir Pentious

A blink! And Sir Pentious sits up straighter, adjusting his (used to be Al's) bowtie. "WELL, NO, NOT EXACTLY. I DID NOT HAVE THE CHANCE TO SSSSIT WITH YOU SSSO MUCH LASSSST TIME.... AND." His hand crawls across the table, and takes Alastor's, "SSSORRY, ABOUT LASSSST TIME. I MISSED YOU! I WANTED TO TALK AND TOUCH AND DRINK, BUT THINGSSSS WERE SSSO TENSE BEFORE. GAVE ME A RIGHT *SSSTOMACHACHE*."

Alastor

So it was intentional? Alastor's actually relieved to hear it. He'd been afraid that the reason they'd never touched was because Alastor had never initiated—that Sir Pentious didn't *want* to unless Alastor was pushing into his space.

Alastor immediately squeezes Sir Pentious's hand in relief. And then, just, casually, relocates himself to sit closer to Sir Pentious. Not quite close enough to touch shoulders, but enough to make clear that Sir Pentious *totally could* if he *wants* to. Hint hint. "I missed you too!" He gives Sir Pentious a wan smile, then glances away, focused on the table. "Why was it tense?" Unspoken: *what did I do?* "I know why at the *end,* but... that was the end. It doesn't explain the rest of the movie."

Sir Pentious

And touch shoulders he *does*, bumping against Alastor's with his own, still holding that hand as he taps his talons against it to a melody that wasn't playing. "AH, WELL... THAT'SS DUE TO A MISSSSCONCEPTION THAT VALERA HAD ACQUIRED ABOUT YOU, BACK WHEN YOU WERE A TAD *SSSNIPPY* WITH HER OVER THE MUSICAL CHOICESSS. YOU SSEE AT THE TIME, I WANTED TO HEAR HER REASONING."

Sir Pentious waves a hand, "SHE HAD THISS THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE *JEALOUSS* OVER HOW I PRIORITIZED HER INSSTEAD OF YOU! BUT, WELL, I DID NOT THINK THAT SSSOUNDED LIKE YOU AT ALL. OUR RELATIONSHIP ISSN'T LIKE THAT..." Another hand squeeze, "I ASSURE YOU THAT IT ISSS ALL SAID AND DONE, AND SHE HASS SINCE ADMITTED TO HER MISSCONCEPTIONSS. SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU, AS I FIGURED. BUT DURING THE MOVIE, I FEARED THAT JEALOUSSSSY LINGERED IN THE AIR, AND A CERTAIN TENSENESSSSSS BETWEEN YOU BOTH, IT ALL CAME TO A HEAD WHEN THE ARGUMENT SSSTARTED."

A sigh, and he keeps hold of Alastor's hand, but uses his other to pat it, "PARANOIA CAN MAKE FOOLSSSS OF USS ALL. IT HASS BEEN DEALT WITH, REGARDLESS! WE SSSPOKE AT LENGTH ABOUT IT, AND I AM CONFIDENT THAT SHE NO LONGER HASS THOSE MISCONCEPTIONSS ABOUT YOU, ALASSTOR." He beams with pride.

Alastor

A surge of anger pulses through Alastor. "Oh, so she talked to you about that." And in the process made Alastor look bad enough that Sir Pentious hadn't even wanted to touch him. Who was the one acting jealous—

Stop. It was resolved. Valera had apparently admitted her error to Sir Pentious, things were fine now.

"Well. If she didn't already tell you herself, I was snippy *because* of her musical choices. Of every person she picked songs for, I was the only one she singled out to receive songs that, by her own admission, I wouldn't like!" A pause. "Which *sounds* insignificant, but coming from one aficionado of musical theater to another, it's a grave insult! Particularly since our both being in musical theater means she *shares* my tastes. Honestly, I'm amazed she thought that thing had anything to do with you." He bumps Sir Pentious's shoulder. "What kind of a poor friend would I be if I got jealous over a man spending time with his own fiancée! I can assure you that all the tension was one-sided."

Sir Pentious

"IN TRUTH, I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST WHAT YOU TWO TALKED ABOUT--I DECIDED IT WASSN'T ANY OF MY BUSINESS! BEING CAUGHT BETWEEN THAT WAS SSOMETHING I'D NOT LIKE A REPEAT OF." An uneasy smile, but he bumps right back. "YESS, YOU AND VALERA BOTH HAVE QUITE A LOT OF MUSICAL TASSSSTESSS IN COMMON! SSSUPPOSE IT WAS SSIMPLY PARANOIA GETTING TO HER." He clears his throat, "I KNOW THE FEELING. IT CONVINCESSS MYSELF OF MADNESS AND SSPINSS LIESS AS THE TRUTH WITH SSSUCH *CHARISMA.*... AND MAKESS MONSSTERSS OF THE ONESS I CARE ABOUT."

Oh hey LOOK AT THE TIME! It's time to pour himself some bourbon.

Alastor

If Sir Pentious doesn't want to be in the middle, then Alastor has no right to drag him back in; the sentences he'd been lining up to try to explain his side die in his throat. And anger flares back up again—it's all well and good that Valera apparently resolved it, but it sits like a lump in his gut that the only narrative of the situation that lives in Sir Pentious's head is whatever Valera deigned to tell him. It's harder this time to swallow the anger down.

He wrestles with his words, trying to pare everything he wants to say down to something small enough to squeeze out without adding unduly to Sir Pentious's burden, "I don't know what she told you—or has *been* telling you—but after our conversation, I can fairly confidently state that she's been wrong about... just about *everything* she's thought about me for months." He grimaces. "I wish I could say more than that, but I don't know what all she claimed about me—she didn't mention that she'd said anything to you at all! And I'm not going to ask."

He picks up a glass and holds it out. Give him some too.

Sir Pentious

He pours bourbon for Alastor, as well, and studies the deerman's expression.

"WELL, PERHAPSS YOU CAN SHED SSSOME LIGHT ON YOUR PART, ALASSSTOR? BECAUSE WHAT I MENTIONED BEFORE, WITH HER ASSUMING THAT YOU WERE JEALOUS, WELL THAT WAS THE FIRSSST I'D HEARD OF IT! WHICH WASS WHY I WAS CAUGHT OFF GUARD. I DIDN'T HOLD YOU OR PLAY WITH YOU AS USUAL, BECAUSE I HAD SSSSURMISED THAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN UPSSSETTING TO *HER*... ALTHOUGH WHEN I MENTIONED IT TO HER, SHE SSSEEMED UPSSET THAT I'D THOUGHT TO DO THAT AT ALL."

His tongue hangs out like he's exhausted, "SSO MY EFFORTSS TO QUELL A SSSITUATION I DID NOT UNDERSSSTAND CLEARLY DID NOT DO MUCH, EXCEPT MAKE YOU FEEL UNWANTED, I IMAGINE."

Alastor

Half the tension leaks out of him as the implicit gag order is lifted, he can explain his side now.

"You imagined correctly." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Truth be told, I... well, I spent half the movie wondering if I'd said something wrong, or if you'd *never* wanted to touch me and I just somehow hadn't noticed because I'd always been the one to initiate it. I was sure that couldn't be true, I try not to initiate, but... well, like you said, paranoia makes monsters." He leaves it unstated that in this case, the one paranoia had made a monster of was himself.

"She—somehow got it into her head that every single thing I said and did to her was loaded down with a subtext of veiled hostility and threats. Which is ludicrous! Not only do I have nothing against her, but I wanted to be her friend! Which is a rare occurrence! I don't meet many people that make me go, 'Now, *there's* someone who'd fit perfectly into my little social circle!' I don't put in an effort that often! And when I do, it's..." He struggles with his words for a moment. "I'm usually—*good* at it. *Very* good at it. I used to be, anyway."

He pulls his hand back so he can cross his arms tightly, compensating by leaning more heavily on Sir Pentious. This was easier to talk about when he was angry. Now, he finds, it just hurts.

Sir Pentious

Oh... Sir Pentious tilts his head as Alastor speaks, considering his own thoughts. Should he tell him his own *guesses* as to why? or would that just make everything worse? It was hard to say--Valera and Alastor were both quite *sensitive* in their own ways. Sometimes, he'd say something that would get a negative reaction out of them and it would take the serpent a moment to reevaluate what he said and how it could have affected them!

So, for the moment... he slides his tail around the back of Alastor, puts an arm around his shoulders, and pulls the Radio Demon to his side. He'd rest his chin on Al's head, but he wasn't looking to *stab himself through the skull* with those antennae.

"YOU HAVE A BIT OF A REPUTATION, YOU KNOW. AT LEASSST DOWN HERE. YES, IT ISSS TRUE THAT VALERA DOES NOT HAVE THAT SSSAME UNDERSSTANDING BUT... PERHAPSSS MY PARANOID DELUSIONSS FROM MONTHSSS AGO SSANK INTO HER UNDERSTANDING. OR! PERHAPSS IT'S YOUR SMILE, YOUR SSSTATIC GRIN!"

He takes out his phone, and types in a sentence. "Hello, stinky." he types into it, and then adds a simple :) smiley face, "LOOK AT THISSS, ALASTOR. ARE YOU AWARE OF THISSS PHENOMENON?"

Alastor

He starts slightly when he feels himself being embraced. Is—is he being... comforted? It feels weird. He leans into it.

He groans. "I know I do." There are very few things he regrets, but his rampage when he arrived in Hell is constantly hovering on the verge of making the list. Nothing he's done or refrained from doing since then has ever let him move past it. "But she doesn't have that context! She shouldn't, anyway."

Alastor looks at the example, is immediately self-conscious, and lightly elbows Sir Pentious. "You'd better not be mixing a jab in with your example, I smelled fine before you got me sweaty." He'd managed to squeeze in a quick shower amidst scrambling for food. He'd been showering a lot more since he'd started hanging out with Sir Pentious. "Yes, I know, smile when you insult someone and it's all the more biting. I know that! I understand the nuances and subtleties to a smile! You don't wear the same facial expression for eighty-seven years without learning its limitations inside and out! I'm *good* at telegraphing whether I like or despise someone, when I want to. And I wanted to."

Sir Pentious

"SSS, SSS, SSS!" Sir Pentious snickers through his teeth, and flicks one of Alastor's ears with a talon, "YOU DON'T SSSMELL. I'D BE ABLE TO TASTE IT ALREADY!" Weird thing to say but he is a snake. He swivels is head around, long neck allowing him to look Alastor around the front without moving the rest of his body. You're friends with a *noodle*, Alastor.

"WHEN WE FIRSSSST BEGAN MEETING, EVEN AFTER THE LETTERSSSS AND THE PROMISSSSESSSS... IT TOOK ME SSSOME TIME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU, AND IT WASSS BECAUSE I COULDN'T HELP BUT READ ALL OF YOUR SSSMILESS, DESSPITE YOUR MOVEMENTSS AND YOUR VOICE, AS *A THREAT.*" He gestures to his phone again, "TAKE THISSS SMILEY FOR EXAMPLE. YOU WOULD THINK THAT THISSS SMILEY FACE WOULD CREATE A SSSENSE OF CAMRADERIE AMONGSST THE ONLINE TEXTING COMMUNITIESSS, BUT APPARENTLY, IT ONLY CREATESSS A SSSENSE OF *DREAD.* A SSORT OF... PASSIVE AGGRESSION!"

He leans back a bit, tapping a claw to one of his fangs, "AND THAT COULD VERY WELL BE WHY, ALASSSTOR. SHE MUSSST THINK THAT YOUR SSSMILEY FACE IS A THREAT, IN HER MIND! I KNOW WHEN I SSMILE AS YOU DO, IT ISSS USUALLY BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW OFF MY *TEETH.*" And he does it right then, too, beaming.

Alastor

"I *know!* The fact that it's threatening is one of the reasons I do it! But I can get *past* that instinctive reaction with most people when I choose to! Unless I'm just—just... losing my edge."

He sighs. He looks tired.

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious puts the phone away--or in this case just fumbles it briefly and lets it bounce on the table. It's fine. He clears his throat, "WELL, I KNOW THISS MUCH... I BECAME *MUCH* MORE ABLE TO TRUSST YOU WHEN I COULD *TOUCH* YOU, ALASSSTOR." All of his eyes are looking away, "USUALLY I HATE THAT KIND OF THING BUT... PERHAPSSS IT MADE YOU MORE *REAL* TO ME." To punctuate his thought, he takes hold of Alastor's hand again and squeezes it.

"VALERA AND I HIT IT OFF RATHER WELL, BUT ONLY AFTER WE TOUCHED... AND SHE AND I ARE VERY ALIKE, AS WELL, IN OUR WAYSSS.... PERHAPSSS THAT'SS THE KEY!" He laughs behind a hand, "NOW I AM NOT SSSSUGGESTING YOU GO AND FONDLE MY WIFE, ALASSSTOR, BUT PERHAPSSS OFFERING HER YOUR HAND MIGHT EASE SSSOME OF HER WORRIES?"

Alastor

He squeezes Sir Pentious's hand, glad to have it back. "More real?" He laughs weakly. "What was I before then, a ghost? A disembodied voice in a box?"

The corners of his mouth curl down. "It's a ridiculous price to pay just to prove I don't detest her! And I *have* held her hand before—apparently it didn't do any good."

Sir Pentious

"PERHAPSSS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER GROWLING SSCALESS AND LOSING THOSE LEGSSS OF YOURS. MIGHT I SSUGGESST SWAPPING THEM OUT FOR A TAIL INSSSTEAD? HA HA!" He purrs, taking hold of his glass.

Alastor

"Oh, I couldn't do that! I'd miss tap dancing and shaving too much." Laugh track. He's gonna just, subtle cuddle further into that purr. And slide his free arm around Sir Pentious. Alastor's got Sir Pentious's tail around him, reciprocating with an arm is fair game, right? He hopes so. It feels nice.

Sir Pentious

He's not about to push him away, anyway. Sir Pentious' tongue flicks out, wiggling in front of Alastor's face before he sucks it back in, "I FEEL FOR YOU, ALASSTOR, THAT THINGSSS ARE *BUMPY*. I DON'T REALLY KNOW THE FIX--IT ISSN'T LIKE ADJUSTING UNEVEN BOLTS OR REBUILDING THE BOILER ROOM FROM SSSSCRATCH BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL OWNERS OF THIS BUILDING HAD ZERO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE DOING." Ahem, "*PEOPLE* AREN'T MY EXPERTISE, NOT AT ALL. I THINK, IT COULD JUSST BE, THAT VALERA MAY NEED TO FIGURE YOU OUT ON HER OWN, PREFERABLY WITHOUT HURTING HERSSSELF OR YOU."

Alastor

"There's nothing *to* fix." Alastor shrugs ruefully. "She misunderstood; I explained; now she doesn't misunderstand. There's nothing else to do about it now."

Sir Pentious

"YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK INTO SSSONG, I'VE HEARD THAT HELPS." He beams, knocking his glass against Alastor's a touch.

Alastor

He grimaces more, then shifts enough to put his glass on the table out of range before curling back up. He doesn't want to drink right now.

"The issue is—It's—To use your metaphor, it's fine to fix a boiler that some other incompetent idiot built—but what if the boiler that breaks down is one *you* designed and built? It doesn't matter that you can fix it, that doesn't solve the real problem—that you messed it up in the first place. You pride yourself as an engineer and inventor, what does it say about you if you ruined a mere, simple boiler?"

Sir Pentious

When Alastor curls back up, it dawns on Sir Pentious suddenly that they were actually talking very seriously about this. It wasn't that he was totally oblivious, but it clearly stopped being a discussion, and now, the Hellish Gentleman had to find some way to comfort his friend. Of all the scenarios to find himself in, comforting the Radio Demon had never really crossed his mind. ... Or had it?  He did want to go drinking with Alastor, after all. Hmm.

He gets a little quiet, placing his own glass against the table and leaning back. Time to sink down to the floor, taking the deerman with him. "...I'd argue that--I have more experience with *that* particular example than *you* do, Alassstor. The leak is always in the same place, no matter how many timessss I repair it."

Alastor

Oh, okay, they're sliding off the couch now. Down they go. He repositions himself once they're on the floor.

He wasn't expecting to *look* for comfort from Sir Pentious. He's not even sure that *is* what he's doing—his only goal had been to make himself understood, nothing more. But here they are.

"Well, that's... Everyone has their weak points, of course. But this *isn't* one of mine. At least, it hasn't been before. So I can't help but wonder if I..." He trails off. "I think I'm repeating myself.  I apologize, I'm sure that's boring."

Sir Pentious

"ALASSSTOR, IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE BORING, I WOULD HAVE *LEFT* ALREADY!" And he flicks his ear again, "I AM *KIDDING.* I DON'T MIND TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THISSS, BUT I DO KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH HELP I CAN *BE.* I AM SSSTILL NAVIGATING MYSELF THROUGH ALL OF THIS... IT'SS HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN THINGSSS YOU WORK ON BREAK! BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT LIKE *MACHINESSS*, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE."

He squeezes that hand again, "TELL YOU WHAT! I WILL ASSSK VALERA FOR YOU! HOW ABOUT THAT?"

Alastor

Alastor doesn't laugh. He knows it's true, even if Sir Pentious doesn't. Of course they wouldn't be friends if Alastor was boring. If he was boring, he wouldn't even be *Alastor* anymore.

"No. There's nothing you need to ask her, what could you possibly ask her? It—I'm hardly even talking about Valera at this point, this has nothing to *do* with her except that she inadvertently uncovered a problem I already suspected!"

Sir Pentious

His face falls at that-- and he looks in a different direction. A short inhale with a bit of a louder *exhale...* He didn't know what Alastor was going on about, overall, due to him not being as talkative as usual.... so Sir Pentious just curls around him, allowing Alastor to essentially sit on the cinnamon roll that was Sir Pentious.

"WELL, I AM NOT DEVELOPING TELEPATHY ANY TIME SSSOON, MAN. IS HELL GETTING TO YOU, AFTER A HUNDRED YEARSSS?"

Alastor

"*Exactly!* That's exactly it!" He sits up a little to look at Sir Pentious directly. "*Is* it getting to me?! Has it—has it been getting to me since the day I arrived? I'm a *radio host*, damn it, people *like* me, they've *always* liked me—but they've *never* liked me in Hell, because I—I precluded the possibility of that on my very first day! I can say it was my own fault, but I, I don't think it entirely *was*, I think that's what Hell *does,* it conspires around you to make you... trip and stumble into doing whatever it is that will make them suffer the most, tricks you into orchestrating your own divine punishment. And my worst—part of my worst punishment would be—*losing* that! Being a radio host! All my charisma, my charm, everything my audience loved me for! I already lost my audience, I took care of that my first day, but what about the rest of it? That likability? I always *feel* the weight of Hell on me, I don't think *everyone* feels it so clearly but I do, I've always been more sensitive to things like that—I think Hell takes something from us, on a spiritual level, slowly, over time. What if this is what it's been taking from me? What if it's going to leave me a—a hackneyed, cheesy, boring... has-been?"

He pauses to take a breath.

Then he winces. "Was that too much?"

Sir Pentious

Oh! Hmm. Sir Pentious sits up at that, though in his efforts he may have disturbed Alastor a little- he brings a hand to his chin in thought, mulling over what the other rambled on and on about. That did seem to allign with his own misgivings about Hell--could they even be called that? Hell certainly sucked! It may not have lined up with the scriptures, but it sure did feel *awful all the time.* No matter how high one climbed, there'd always be something to knock them down.

"FOR ALL THE INVENTING I'VE DONE, FOR ALL THE LEAPSSS AND BOUNDSSS I'VE MADE WITH MY PROWESS AS AN INVENTOR, NOBODY EVER SSSEEEMED TO *CARE* DOWN HERE. I CONTINUED AT IT, OVER AND *OVER* AGAIN, IN TIRELESS PURSUIT OF BEING RECOGNIZED, OF BEING KNOWN!! AND..." A huff, "VERY FEW RECOGNIZE IT, VERY FEW PEOPLE SSSEEM TO GIVE ANY KIND OF *DAMN*. AND NOT TO MENTION ALL OF THE... *ROADBLOCKS*, AS IT WERE... EVERY PERSON WHO KNOCKED ME DOWN SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN DESIGNED PERSONALLY FOR ME! TO HIT ME WHERE IT *HURT MOST.*"

He lies back down, flopping back with his arms out. "... I'D JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP, ALASSTOR. AND THEN.... VALERA CAME INTO MY LIFE, AND THEN I MET YOU, AND... IT'SSS AS IF THINGSSS HAVE PURPOSE AGAIN. I CAN FEEL MY WILL RETURNING--BUT NOT JUSSST THAT... I AM *ACTUALLY* EXCITED TO BLOW UP THIS PUTRID SHITHOLE AND REMAKE IT IN MY IMAGE!!! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MANY OPTIONSSS!"

Sir Pentious sits up a bit once more, looking at the Radio Demon with a smile--not his usual aggressive grin, but a kind smile. "I DON'T THINK OF YOU AS SSOME KIND OF 'HAS-BEEN'-- YOU'VE LIKELY JUST GOT TO FIND YOUR NEW AUDIENCE. AND YOU FOUND ME!!! I TUNE IN ALL THE TIME."

Alastor

He's on pins and needles until Sir Pentious starts talking, not sure if the pile of decades-old fears he'd just dumped on Sir Pentious was going to drive him off. (Is Alastor still worth being friends with if he's not just the two-dimensional entertainment, if he has worries too? Other people might think so—but will Sir Pentious?)

And then Sir Pentious starts talking, and Alastor is spellbound. He has to keep stopping himself from interrupting to agree—because yes, he's observed the exact same thing for decades from watching his own Sir Pentious, yes, he does believe that people are specifically set on collision courses with each other in order to hurt each other as much as possible—so he just nods along enthusiastically to everything he agrees with.

*Purpose.* Alastor takes Sir Pentious's hand again, squeezing it. "I've felt... somewhat the same. I know you don't think much of my own lack of ambition, and I truly don't have any interest in taking over Hell, but—I hope I don't sound too sentimental when I say that watching *you* pursue the crown... it's always been inspiring." His smile's unusually self-conscious.

"Maybe a new audience is all I need. Truth be told, that's the real reason I agreed to Charlie and Vaggie's ridiculous "blog" idea—I was *desperate* for an audience. I suppose at least some good's come of it." He laughs ruefully.

"And yet... I can't quite shake the thought that the only reason the stars aligned to let us be friends is so that some higher power can use it to break us someday." He looks away. "I—sincerely believe—and have for *years*—that I'm one of the people that were designed to hit you where it hurt most. And I'm referring to our respective, parallel... your me and my you. I hope it's not the case with *us.* But if it is, are we going to be able to tell before it's too late?"

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious brushes his hood back behind his head, then puts both arms around Alastor only to pull him in close and LIE on him. Squish. You get loud Cobra breathing as he mulls over what's said.  "I DON'T KNOW--YOU SSSSOUND PARANOID, PERHAPSSS YOU NEED TO RELAX." He beams, "BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW. I'M... TIRED OF WORRYING ABOUT IT!! I WANT TO... JUSST SSEE, I SSSUPPOSE. I'VE HAD FUN, YOU KNOW. EXPERIENCING THINGSSS AGAIN. AND BEING *EXCITED* TO WAKE UP. IT'SS... ...."

He gets a little quiet again, thinking to those nights of anguish, of screaming and dragging his claws through his own scales. A shake of his head, "WELL, IT'SS REFRESHING, TO SSAY THE LEASST. AND I'M TIRED OF BEING AFRAID OF WHAT *COULD* BE."

Alastor

*Squish.* He hugs Sir Pentious back tightly. "Is it really paranoia when we're in a prison divinely designed to serve as eternal torment?"

But Sir Pentious has a point—Alastor is tired of worrying about it, too. He's tired of the guilt and the grief and the regrets. "I hear you." He holds on a little tighter. "I—haven't had much worth waking up for in a long time, either. It's a nice change."

Sir Pentious

"YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A NICE CHANGE?"

Sir Pentious slaps at the table blindly before giving up, "I WAS GOING TO SAY DRINKING WITH A FRIEND! BUT. I COULDN'T REACH,"

Alastor

Alastor laughs, tries to reach, and finds he's not going to do any better as long as Sir Pentious is pinning him down. "Oh, well. It can wait."

Sir Pentious

Prr prr. Oh well. He's gonna stay like this a little longer until....

"HASSS BEEN.... HAAZZZ.... *OH.* IS THAT WHY THE SIGN SAYS THAT? *HA!*"

Alastor

Ding ding ding. "Isn't that what *most* of the damned are? People who used to *be* something, and aren't anymore? Anyone who comes looking for redemption has just given up on trying to make something of themselves in Hell, too!"

Sir Pentious

"I CAN'T TELL IF IT'SSSS A SSSELF BURN OR NOT, ALASSSTOR.... BUT AT THE VERY LEAST, REDEMPTION! *PAH.* IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN. NEVER!"

Alastor

"*I'm* not at the hotel seeking *redemption.* I'm here to watch the sinners seeking redemption fail spectacularly."

But no yeah it's a self-burn. He's not going to count himself among the has-beens *out loud,* but...

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious could relate to that. He didn't want to admit it out loud, but! He was a failure, in a lot of ways. Succeed in something, but at the cost of too much else.

He moves to get up in order to grab at his glass.... But then lies down again. "YOU ARE VERY WARM." Reptile here,

Alastor

Alastor laughs. "It's all that mammal blood in me. Are you cold?" He looks around, trying to figure out if the bed's cover is within arm's reach. Nope.

Sir Pentious

"ALWAYSSSS. THE THERMOSSSSTAT WOULD HAVE TO BE CRANKED UP MUCH HIGHER FOR ME TO FEEL *COMFORTABLE*. AND SOMETIMESSSSS, HELL FREEZES OVER, OR AT LEAST DROPSSS TO THE NEGATIVESSSS."

.... "30 DEGREES, YOU AMERICAN." He's smiling smugly~  "DON'T PUT A BLANKET ON ME ANYWAY, I'LL END UP GOING TO SLEEP."

Alastor

His stomach twists at the phrase *hell freezes over*. He compensates by holding Sir Pentious just a little bit tighter. For the moment, he's silent.

Sir Pentious

A blink, another blink. Oh, shit, did he break Alastor? Sir Pentious swivels his head to the side, looking him over.... Blelelelele of his tongue. Concern,,,,

Alastor

Alastor flinches. "Sorry! Sorry, I was just—just thinking." He clears his throat with a noise of a dial flipping rapidly through several stations. "On the day that... when your version of me... betrayed you. Was it cold?"

Sir Pentious

*Oh.* His head lurches back.... And he thinks on it. It was hard to remember, exactly how everything had *felt*.

".... IT WAS A *BLUR*, REALLY... I. DO NOT RECALL IT AS WELL... SAFE FOR THE SSOUND OF VOLTAGE, OF WIRES SNAPPING AND METAL *CREAKING*... FEELING AS THOUGH I WERE DROWNING IN THAT SSSMILE, IN THE SSSTATIC."

But was it cold? "I.      SSSORRY, ALASSSTOR. MY MEMORY ISN'T..." He looks embarrassed.

Alastor

"It's fine! It's fine, don't worry about—I shouldn't have brought it up." *His* Sir Pentious had been cold that morning. "You had more important things to worry about." So did Alastor—but he's never forgotten that cold. "Hearing you of all people talk about Hell freezing over, it made me think of—well. Old news."

Sir Pentious

A frown, and a look of frustration. He's not sure what he accidentally *said*, so when he hugs tighter this time, he pinches Alastor with his claws.

Alastor

Alastor just *said* what he said.

He flinches in surprise with a crackle of static. “What are you—?” He pinches back!

Sir Pentious

His hood FLOOPS up! And he lifts himself up some to pin Alastor to the floor, glaring down at him.

"I JUSSSST SSSSAID IT BECAUSE I'M COLD! THAT'SSSS ALL! EVERY TIME I SEE THOSE *CHRISTMAS* COLORS OR SWEATERSSSS I'M REMINDED OF HOW *UNPLEASANT* WINTER WASSS AND HOW IN *MY* HELL, SOME DAYSSSS THE TEMPERATURE JUST *DROPSSSSSS!*"

He presses their foreheads together, with Pentious STARING AT HIM. "THERE WILL BE NO READING TOO MUCH INTO MY WORDSSSSS, ALASSSTOR!!!"

Alastor

His heart leaps up into his throat. “I’m not reading too much into them! It just reminded me, that’s all!” Being flat on the ground with Sir Pentious pinning him down and pressing their faces together isn’t helping him feel any less reminded. And it occurs to him, dangerously, that it would be absolutely *effortless* to tilt up his chin and kiss Sir Pentious.

He’s got to remove *that* temptation real fast. He lunges up, wraps his arms around Sir Pentious, and pulls him back down into a hug again, putting his chin on Sir Pentious’s shoulder. “I hate the cold too. Hell does the same thing here too—three days in a row you can have temperatures of a hundred, zero, a hundred. And that’s an *American* zero.”

Sir Pentious

*BODY HEAT.*

He briefly is tempted to undo Alastor's shirt collar so he can get to his skin, but that decidedly was his animal brain talking. Don't do that.

"AH, YES, THAT SSSSOUNDSSS ABOUT RIGHT. IT DROPSSS SSSO QUICKLY." He pets down his scales, "IT ALSO JUMPSSSS UP SUDDENLY AS WELL... BEFORE I MET YOU OR VALERA, I HAD A DAY OF THE TEMPERATURE CLIMBING *SSSO* MUCH THAT MY BODY BEGAN TO *BUBBLE* AND *BLISTER*...." He winces.

"IT'SSSS A USUAL THING, PERHAPSSSS HELL'S ATTEMPT AT RECREATING THE SSSSUMMER."

Alastor

Alastor also winces on his behalf. “It doesn’t usually get much hotter than a hundred around Pentagram City, what with Lake Cocytus so close—but I’ve heard about weather like that in some of the other circles! Particularly around the volcanoes. When we do get more extreme weather, there’s no rhyme or reason to when it happens—I don’t think our Hell is trying to replicate any seasons, it’s just doing whatever it feels will annoy us most in the moment.”

He’s been laid on enough for now, he thinks. What happens if he tries to, just... sort of... roll them over, so he’s the one laying on top.

Sir Pentious

"THAT MAKESSSSS SSSENSE. WISHFUL THINKING ON MY PART, THEN."

...... He doesn't like being on the bottom! He scrambles to sit up! Tongue flicks, "ARE WE GOING TO DRINK NOW?!"

Alastor

Aw. He ruined it. He ruined the moment. He sits up. “Sure, sure!” He picks up his as yet untouched drink and takes a sip.

Sir Pentious

As he is generally known for doing! Remember the musical number he blew up?

Sir Pentious knocks his glass against Alastor's, "CHEERSSS,."

Alastor

Alastor was referring to himself ruining the moment, actually, because he has learned that all bad things that happen to him are either a consequence of or a comeuppance for his own horrible actions. But if Sir Pentious wants some credit, he can have it.

However, Alastor is still a little chunk of venison surrounded by a big pile of noodles, so it’s not all bad. “Cheers!” Tap. He takes a bigger drink.

Sir Pentious

DULY NOTED.

Penny takes a deep gulp and rubs at his throat, *purrrring* at the burning sensation.

"AHHH, THAT HISSSS JUST RIGHT!"

Alastor

“Only the *highest* quality of the sub-par junk we stock at the bar,” Alastor boasts. If that can be called a boast. “I’ll get some top notch stuff for next time. And I’ll see if I can find some ha... habooshoo? Was that what it was called?”

He sets his drink back down and goes for the food again. Far be it from him to make Sir Pentious drink alone, but if he can help it, he doesn’t want to get drunk this time. He’s enjoying himself too much to want parts of this hangout to go fuzzy around the edges.

Sir Pentious

"AH! THE HABUSHU, YESSS, THAT ALCOHOL JAPONAISE!" He nods a few times, recalling the snake, "MMM, HMMM. I COULD ALWAYSSS ASK KATSSSSU FOR MORE, I'M SURE."

Alastor

“Oh right, *him.*” Katsu keeps coming up and Alastor keeps being mildly surprised every time he comes up. “The one who got promoted from nephew to son. I’ve been meaning to ask about that—are you... actually doing any *parenting,* per se, or is it more of an honorary title?” Katsu seems old enough to take care of himself to Alastor, but they’ve only briefly met in person, and at any rate Alastor has found that the average age of “old enough” has been creeping later and later over recent decades.

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious makes a bit of a *face*, and reaches instead for the brandy, uncorking (?) it.

"AH, WELL. YOU KNOW ITSSS A BIT UNUSUAL, ISN'T IT? I DON'T KNOW THE BOY TOO WELL. HE MOST ASSUREDLY LATCHED ONTO *ME* RATHER EARLY! BUT I THINK VALERA KNOWSSSS HIM BETTER THAN I DO. WE'VE SSSPENT A LITTLE TIME TOGETHER, BUT HM. I HESITATE TO CALL HIM *MY* SSSON AT THISS JUNCTURE."

Alastor

“*Ah.* Well, that explains a lot. He asked if he could call me ‘uncle’ almost immediately after meeting me.” He makes a bit of a face as well, insofar as he can with a smile on—all squinty eyes and scrunched nose. “I know some people do that out of desperation, and they have my pity, but I detest being on the receiving end!”

He nudges Sir Pentious. “How did Valera end up with him? I’ve been meaning to ask! Last I’d heard, he was calling someone else ‘mother’ and then suddenly here he was hanging around you two!”

Sir Pentious

Look at him, he looks un*comf*ortable suddenly! Sir Pentious rubs the back of his head, before he takes a swig of brandy straight from the bottle.

"OH, I REALLY FEEL AS THOUGH THE DETAILSSSS ARE LOSSST ON ME... VALERA MENTIONED SSSSOME SSSORT OF *ISSUES* BETWEEN MEREDITH AND KATSSSSU.... IT COULD BE A *JOINT* CUSSSSTODY SSSSITUATION?"

He rests his cheek on his palm, looking a little embarrassed, "IF THISSS WAS EXPLAINED TO ME, I... CLEARLY DIDN'T HEAR IT.   BUT THE BOY LATCHESSS ON SSSO QUICKLY! I WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN HE WAS EIGHTEEN... WHEN I WAS HIS AGE, I WAS SSSTUDYING MATH IN PARIS."

Alastor

Well, Alastor didn’t want to make him uncomfortable! Would it help if Alastor leans on Sir Pentious again? Because he’s gonna.

Alastor mulls on this and on whether he should mention the misgivings he has about Meredith and people connected to her, when his thoughts immediately flip over to a different station. “You studied in *Paris?* I had no idea! Do you speak French?”

Sir Pentious

It does help. Those idle radio sounds and clicks are enjoyable to listen to so close.

OH! He *beams*, and gestures with a hand, "MAIS BIEN SÛR!" Sir Pentious slips his hood over his shoulder, preening in the attention, "IT WAS AT MY MOTHER'SSSS SSSUGGESTION, ANYWAY. PARISSS HAD MORE OPPORTUNITIES THAN LONDON, AND WHILE I COULD HAVE GONE ANYWHERE, I RATHER WANTED TO GO TO FRANCE." He giggles, "NOTHING MATTERED IN PARIS, EVERYONE WASN'T SSSO *UPTIGHT.* I DARESAY THE THINGSS I LEARNED *THEN* SURELY SHAPED THE KIND OF PERSON I BECAME IN THE LATTER HALF OF MY LIFE."

Alastor

“*J’arrive pas y croire!* You’ve been holding out on me!” Alastor laughs. “Your French sounds so *European.* I should have expected that.” Alastor’s French is... very not European. Not because he has a bad French accent, but because he has an extremely good Cajun accent.

“Oh, *hah!* You and me both, then! Paris, France: the perfect place for young men to find themselves and discover who they’re going to be the rest of their lives!”

Sir Pentious

This topic is much more comfortable to Sir Pentious and he looks full of life once more! No awkward movements or rubbing his neck at all.

"HA! YOUR *ACCENT!* DO IT AGAIN. SSSAY SOMETHING ELSE! IN FACT, HAVE YOU *BEEN* TO PARIS, ALASSSTOR?"

Alastor

“What, what do you want me to—I’ll sing something. *Le seul homme j’aimais il m’a quitté moi toute seule, pour s’en aller avec une autre que moi—*” There’s accordion and guitar in the background. It’s a very raucous song. Alastor won’t subject Sir Pentious to more than that. “Your turn. And sure, I visited Paris during the war! Learned to summon demons there! It was pretty good for both of our educations, wasn’t it?”

Sir Pentious

"VOUS INVOQUEZ DES DÉMONS À PARIS? HAAAAAAA HA HAAAAAAA!" He's clapping his hands together, laughing, "VOUS SSSSSAVEZ, CELA SSSEMBLE TOUT À FAIT HABITUEL À PARIS! JE PARIE QUE PERSONNEL NE L'A REMARQUÉ!!!!"

OH no, he's laughing so much, this is the best news he's heard. Plus, Alastor's accent is *awful*, but in the most endearing way.

Alastor

Alastor’s cracking up. “You sound like you’re reading from a textbook!” He flings an arm around his shoulders and leans on him more heavily. “*Non, non, pas à Paris.* I *learned* there, but I didn’t *do* it there. My first attempt was out in the trenches. I think I told you about that, didn’t I!—unleashing an imp in the middle of a battlefield?”

Sir Pentious

WHEEEEZE--

"OH, *OH*, I *THINK* YOU DID... ACTUALLY, CURIOUSSSS, I DON'T RECALL HOW THAT *ENDED*!"

Purrrrrr, he's going to take another swig of brandy before offering the bottle to Alastor. This is one happy hell serpent.

Alastor

“Neither do I! I was running a hell of a fever at the time! Or maybe the summoning made me delirious, I’ve never found out which it was. Anyway, I regained lucidity some days later in a medical tent, to get told all about how everything descended into anarchy and half of my surviving unit was in medical with me. Ha! Really exciting stuff!”

And deeply traumatic! He’ll accept that brandy, thank you. Sip! “There was no mention of an imp—so I don’t know if *they* caused all that chaos on my behalf, or if they were just unlucky enough to get summoned by a half-mad rookie occultist just in time to get gassed with the rest of us.”

Sir Pentious

"HMMMM... GASSED. OH! THE MUSTARD GAS? I WAS DEAD LONG BEFORE THAT GREAT WAR, BUT ONE DOES HEAR THINGS, EH!" He squeezes Alastor's shoulder.... Comforting? It was a long time ago, but talking about such things probably warranted some comfort.

"NASSSTY SSSSTUFF, THAT. PERHAPS I SHOULD ADD IT TO MY REPETOIRE!!" He winks. It's a very obvious wink, like the kind one might see in a movie to tell *I am Joking*.

Alastor

Oh! Is he being reassured? He doesn’t need it (he doesn’t think he needs it) but under the circumstances wow does that feel nice. Gonna lean more into that touch. Like a sunflower twisting toward the sun, he is. “Mustard, ketchup, sauerkraut—the works! I don’t remember that part, if I was even there for it—fever, see—so all I can do is assume. It was *probably* mustard gas, unless it was something more demonic.”

Alastor huffs. “In all seriousness, it would certainly be effective! The stuff’s bad enough it was banned after the Great War! The concept of war crimes has always been... *amazing* to me—how bad does an activity have to be before it’s made illegal to perform during the worst activity a group of humans can participate in?” He winks at Sir Pentious, “Anyway, *I* don’t mind a war crime or two, as long as I’m not on the receiving end.” Alastor thinks this is a normal supportive friend thing to say.

Sir Pentious

It is a very supportive friend thing to say!! If your friend is Sir Pentious. He is grinning headboob to headboob!!!

"HA!!! THEN WITH YOUR, AHEM, *BLESSING.* I'D GIVE YOU SSSOME WARNING AHEAD OF TIME BEFORE *PAINTING THE TOWN YELLOW.* NYA HA HAAAAAAA!" He is so very loud.

Another gulp of brandy, and his head sways a little. Buuuuuzzed.

"YOU SHOULD TEACH ME SSSOME OF YOUR BASSSTARD FRENCH. CA... CAGING?? CAGING FRENCH. THAT ONE. AND I'LL TEACH YOU *TEXTBOOK FRENCH.*"

Alastor

“When you’re ready to launch an attack that massive, I’d hope to be on board to watch with you!” ... Is that over the line? He can’t just invite himself along on one of Sir Pentious’s raids. He could have with the one he used to know, but, here...

Don’t overthink it. He’s gonna sip a little more of his drink. “Bastard French *indeed.* Cajun is a perfectly pristine, utterly respectable French. Just not the kind of French they teach in France to *English* students. And I already speak textbook French, thank you!” He puts on a robotic-sounding accent, like a student reciting pre-memorized foreign language phrases. “‘*Bonjour, monsieur ! Excusez-moi ! Je m’apelle Pierre-Paul-Jacques. Comment allez-vous ?*’ Hah!”

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious *cackles* madly, SLAPPING Alastor on the back. TEARS man, TEARS! He clears his throat, then lifts his hands up, imitating Alastor's ears.

"HELLO, *MON CHERE*! SSSSALUT, SSSSALUT!! PASSSS *LE GUMBO!*" He grins playfully!

Could be vaguely offensive, but you know. Hell.

Alastor

He simultaneously tries not to grimace and tries not to smile harder. "Your accent is abominable, couyon."

Sir Pentious

HEE HEE HEE. *HEE HEE HEE!* Sir Pentious looks so pleased with himself.

Alastor

SHOVE. But it's a light shove. Friendly shove.

He immediately closes the distance again. "In France, when we had to deal with the locals, they usually asked me since I was already fluent—in a manner of speaking. Wanna know all the words that got me weird looks in Paris??"

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious looks to Alastor, leaning on his hands and *purring* in that horrific way of his, his hood lifting to drape itself upon the other's head. Flompf.

"YESSS, MY *MAN.* TELL ME, TELL ME!"

Alastor

“Very well! One time I got five men to stop and stare at me when I proposed hosting a *fais do-do,* we should start there!”

And so for the next he-can’t-even-keep-track-of-how-long, he pulls out as many obscure and local terms as he can think of—until they drift off on a trail of other topics. The only way Alastor is keeping track of the fact that time’s passing at all is by his gradually emptying glass and the dwindling quantity of food. He can’t remember the last time he had this much fun.

Sir Pentious

Alas, all fun times must come to an end! Sir Pentious finally has hit his limit for social interaction....he puts a hand to Alastor's shoulder, his body swaying some as he begins to uncoil himself.

"WELL, ALASSSTOR... I BETTER BE GETTING BACK TO MY SHIP. I HAD A *GOOD* TIME WITH YOU! NEXT TIME, I'LL BE SSSOBER ENOUGH TO GET THOSE MEASUREMENTSSSSS."

Alastor

Alastor tries his best to steady Sir Pentious. Which is a bit of a challenge, considering that Alastor is drunk and Sir Pentious is a slinky that’s twice as drunk and twice as tall. “So did I!” Alastor squeezes the elbow he’s been helping support.

He really did have a good time. For the first time since he met this Sir Pentious, he didn’t feel like he had to be on his best damn behavior, careful of every single word and action, triple checking every sentence’s implications to ensure he was neither about to accidentally trod on Sir Pentious’s brittle ego nor about to get unacceptably affectionate... This was how it was supposed to be. They’d finally gotten everything right.

“You could have gotten those measurements *before* you got drunk, you know.” He winks. “But if you want another excuse to butt around with me, I’m not going to complain.”

Sir Pentious

He purrs and pretends to look offended, "WHAT! NOOO, I COULD NOT HAVE-- I DID NOT BRING MY MEASURING EQUIPMENT." Which he totally has. He giggles drunkenly, starting to slither toward the door, blinking hard to make sure he wasn't bumping into anything. He was, but whatever.

"BUTT AROUND WE SHALL, ALASSSTOR!"

Alastor

Maybe Alastor oughta help Sir Pentious with the door. He’s just gotta get to the door before Sir Pentious does. He’s halfway through climbing over the bed to try to reach the door first when he *remembers* something, loses his balance, nearly face plants, somehow manages to keep his feet and stumbles forward to pose himself with his elbow propped against the wall like he totally meant to do that. “Before you go! I’ve got something to say.”

Sir Pentious

~~Alastor I'd die for you.~~ Penny blinks, his head swiveling a little in place as he looks to that very elegant pose from Alastor. Tongue flicks. "HMM??? WHAT ISS IT?"

Alastor

“I...! Ahh.” Now he’s actually got to *say* it. That’s embarrassing as hell.

But what would be more embarrassing would be *looking* like he’s embarrassed, so he rallies himself and says, “When you came over, you were expecting to get drunk and wrestle a buck, not necessarily in that order! You *weren’t* expecting an unplanned therapy session wherein I drag up a good fifty-odd years of... concerns, about the environmental effects of Hell. But you took it gamely and responded in kind, and I... well... Thank you.”

Sir Pentious

His eyes are doing a weird thing, but it's mostly because he's trying to keep Alastor in his focus. Sir Pentious strokes his chin a little, and he waves a hand, "IT WASSSSN'T THERAPY, ALASSSSTOR. I WAS LISTENING TO YOU HAVE A TALK ABOUT YOUR *FEELINGSSSS.* AFTER ALL, YOU'VE HEARD ME PRATTLE ON ABOUT THINGSSSS BEFORE, WHAT KIND OF *SIR* WOULD I BE IF I DIDN'T LISTEN IN KIND???" What a development. He reaches over to pull Alastor into a very drunken hug, "ANYWAY, YOU ARE WELCOME, MY DEAR CHUM! THANKSSSSS FOR PREPARING EVERYTHING ON SSSSSUCH SHORT NOTICE! I HAD A VERY GOOD TIME."

Alastor

He melts into the hug. It’s so *nice.* “So did I. The best time in years.” He pulls back, grinning a *real* grin, and looks Sir Pentious over. “Do you need help getting home?”

Sir Pentious

Hmmm... Does he? All his eyes are blinking at different times.

".... YOU KNOW, PERHAPSSSSS I DO. THE SSSTAIRSS ARE NOT SSSOMETHING I AM LOOKING TO NAVIGATE."

Alastor

“Come on!” He slings an arm around Sir Pentious’s back to help keep him steady. “I think I can do something about those stairs.”

(The “something” is temporarily turn them into a slide. This definitely won’t end badly and he won’t regret it at all.)

Sir Pentious

Prr prr prr... He's going to head out into the hallway with Alastor in toe... Yes, surely. This won't end badly. Like forgetting that he changed the stairs into a slide later.

Alastor

Surely not.

And out they go, headed home.

[anciientboosh]

WIP Wednesday!

Been a long time since I did one of these, but I've been working on a brand new AU (because I simply cannot help myself but put these boys in every universe I physically can) and @silentorator has been cheering me on like the fabulous Boosh wife she is, so here. Have a peek at a Howince criminal AU

Are you a Man or a Monster? (working title, subject to change)

Vince prides himself on being able to get on with anyone. It's sort of in his job description, if he's honest with himself (which is about the only person he can be honest with these days). Being a successful con-man almost exclusively depends on your ability to be liked by people around you. 

If you can't be adored on sight then the chances are the career is not for you. 

Everyone likes Vince as much as he tends to like everyone. But there's always an exception to the rule, and there happens to be a particular group of people; of criminals, that always throws up a problem with his whole 'liked by everyone' shtick. 

Forgers. 

If you had to ask him--which no one ever does but that's beside the point--Vince thinks its because their chosen disciplines overlap just enough to cause a sense of competition but differ enough that the players behind the game find their personalities clashing. They're the same and yet different. Enough that it's a game of Russian roulette weather a forger and a con-man will ever get along. 

By their very nature, both subsets are fakers.what they do to make money is play pretend, with their bodies or with props, that's up to the person's discretion. But they sell a dream, a wish, something that doesn't exist in reality but is brought to fruition by nothing more than their own imaginations and the target's willingness to believe it. 

But what sets them apart is the type of faking they show a preference for, and thus the type of person needed to pull it off. 

Con-men thrive in a spotlight. It's all about the soft smiles and gentle touches. Selling the lie with all the natural advantages you have. Vince can walk into a room, find the eyes of a hapless man or woman and walk out with a large payout and no suspicion in his shoulders using nothing more than his charm and a winning grin. 

For a forger that's their worst nightmare. They very rarely exist outside of their little dens. They skulk about in the shadows and produce a lie they can sell from a distance. Paintings, passports, vintage wines. Hell. Vince has seen some real talented bastards produce exact copies of vinyl records. For a forger nothing is too hard to fake, they’d just rather do it in the privacy of a locked room and not mingle with a crowd while they do it. 

It’s these discrepancies that Vince believes means when he meets forgers--it happens more often than you’d think, you need a lot of fake to get by when you make a living on the wrong side of the law--it’s a game of chance as to how they’ll react to him. Or indeed, how he’ll react to them. 

Vince has encountered forgers whom he shares friendships with, and while their connection may not have been instantaneous he and Leroy will always have each other's backs should they need it. And once or twice, if Naboo wasn’t contracting him, it’s been fun to run a solo job with the other man at his side. They’d sell paintings to people with more money than sense and it would be a nice cheeky bonus on top of whatever his shaman boss paid him. 

It’s a shame he doesn’t do that anymore. He’s more into money laundering for a larger corporation, quite genius really, he uses the copy centre as a front. 

On the other side of the coin from people like that, there’s forgers out there whom Vince would rather not work than have to suffer through an hour in their company. The first that springs to mind is Lester Corncrake. Good at what he does, for a blind man he can knock up a pretty decent replica of whatever you need… but he’s incredibly dull. 

And then there’s those that Vince has never met, but already knows enough about to know they almost certainly will never get on. 

Namely, Howard Moon. 

Now, Vince has never met Moon--yet--but he has heard about him. Corncrake's apprentice that took off all on his own, apparently. He’s the forger of the minute, Naboo has been begrudgingly trying to get him on staff so long that it’s a wonder the man has enough resolve to say no. But from what Vince has heard? He’s simultaneously the most skitsy criminal you’ll ever come across, while also managing to be the most arrogant. 

A recluse in every sense of the word, likes to try and keep his face out of proceedings so much that Vince could walk by him every day on the street and never know. Yet his name’s out there, over the last few months alone Vince has been hearing about Moon’s creations making the rounds among his targets. It makes his life a bit more difficult; once people have been stung they get less trustworthy. 

Howard by all accounts was paranoia central. Which, again no one is asking, but if you asked Vince that’s number one sign that you should never work with them. Obviously, a certain level of paranoia is fine. They’re criminals for gods sake, you always need to be one step ahead, but if you’re too jumpy, then you’re a liability. And yeah, this guy might be good, good enough that several criminal enterprises have been head-hunting him for years--but he keeps turning them all down. Prefers to work by himself and on his own terms. 

He’s been turning Naboo’s job offers down for months now, Vince has no idea why the little shaman thinks sending Vince with another offer will do them any favours. Truthfully, Vince half expects to not find anything at the address he’s been given. 

And the worst part about this intended meeting with Moon? The man doesn’t even know he’s coming. 

What could possibly go wrong?