#black hypergamy

[mziceebaby]

@Yanjusofine_ on Twitter 🤎

[aurummarie]

[teentoospoiled]

Try.

With each try, you make progress.

Progress leads to completion.

[pinksatinsashes]

The Dream Girl's Guide to Setting and Achieving Goals

If there's one thing that I am insanely good at, it's planning and setting goals.

However I have not always been great at achieving them.

Call it laziness, lack of self discipline or being over ambitious, you can take your pick. But every year I would set goals and every year I would never achieve them.

This year I was, and am determined to transform. I'm tired of putting it off. I've tried a completely different method (read about that here) and it's finally working out, I cant't wait to share it with you.

Why is Setting and Achieving Goals Important?

Setting and achieving goals will forever be important, no matter what stage of life you're in if you don't want time to pass while you stay in the same place.

If you're happy staying exactly as you are, looking the same way, doing the same thing everyday, making the same money, dating the same guy or having the same conversations, year after year after year. Then this post simply isn't for you.

But for the rest of us, who want more, who understand that wanting something different means that you have to do something different, who want to grow, learn and develop and that who understand that time is the most valuable thing that we have; setting and achieving things, day after day, month after month and year after year is insanely important.

If you are one of us, I'm sure you already knew that, the issue might be actually following through.

You're good at setting goals, not so much with actually achieving them?

Maybe it's not your fault, maybe you're just doing it wrong.

------------- How To Set Goals -------------

How many of us start the new year, or the random day that we decide we need to be better by writing a list of Goals?

Maybe that list looks something like this.

Lose 10lbs

Grow Hair Longer

Dress Better

Save Money

Get 1000 followers on X platform

Can you see the problem here? My STEM girlies are yelling at the screen saying that the goals aren't SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Timely).

The real problem?

All of these goals are end products.

And to eliminate this problem, and make these goals better, we have to turn them into habits.

-------- How to turn Goals into Habits --------

Let's go through our list again.

Lose 10lbs -> Workout 4 times a week, do one form of excerise a day and eat at a caloric deficit.

Grow Hair Longer -> Keep hair in protective styles, use hair growth oils daily, only brush hair when in conditioner

Dress Better -> Sell the clothes I don't like to buy clothes I do like, do a closet clear out once a month, only buy things that are high quality

Save Money -> Budget all money once a month, unsubscribe from things I no longer use, declutter and sell things I no longer need once a month.

Get 1000 followers on X platform -> Post 3 times a week, create meaningful content, reply to all comments left on posts daily, interact with posts from others in the sam niche every day

Can you see the difference?

By changing your goals from the end product to the process these goals suddenly mean more. They're more helpful and seem much more achievable.

End goals cannot always be controlled, you can do everything right, post 3 times a week, reply to all your comments and your following count may still not change for months... then all of a sudden something goes viral and they'll call you an overnight success.

By shifting your focus to the things you can control, rather than the end product, your sense of achievement comes from your consistency and hard work, allowing you to keep going even when you don't see any changes.

This prevents you from giving up when success could be just around the corner.

-------- How To Achieve Your Goals --------

Now that we've gone through how to set Goals, lets talk about how to achieve them.

A lot of people just stop at the first part and never think about the things that they can do to ensure that their goals are met.

Never stop at the list.

Why?

You have no initiative to ever look at this list again so you'll most likely forget you even wrote them down in a few weeks

You haven't factored how your life may make achieving these goals a priority.

The answer to this problem?

Turning your Habits into Routines.

It's all well and good setting goals, even setting good goals. But you also need to make sure that you're creating an environment that's conducive to the goals you want to achieve, the habits you want to keep, and the life you want to create.

------- How to turn Habits into Routines ------

We've written down all our goals, turned them into habits and now it's time of the most important part, turning them into routines.

This is important because consistency is key, always. Instead of saying that you'll do something 3 times a week and leaving at that, let's go deeper.

Which days of the week will you do it? What time? For how long?

Leaving it up to chance is risky. What if you forget?

We need to create consistent routines.

Pick which days to do your habits

Pick what time you'll do your habits

Pick how long you'll do them for

Pick what you'll do before and after.

Try to make this as consistent as possible, for example, same time every day, same day every week.

Make sure that every single hour is accounted for, even if it's just set as free time.

Its easy to convince yourself you don't have enough time to do things, let's put all the things you have to do into a spreadsheet with how long it'll take and when you'll do it. Better yet we can use a calendar app or website.

See all the free time you've got?

Now creating routine is so much more than writing it down and doing it everyday or every week. At first you may have to check the app every five seconds to see what you're meant to be doing but if you stay consistent, after a few weeks it'll become second nature.

------------ Removing Distractions ----------

Organising your time and creating a routine is really eye-opening because it gives you a chance to wonder what the f*** you've been spending your time doing.

Nothing productive probably. Take a look at your screentime, what apps are you spending your time on? How long are you spending? Is this part of the life you'd like to build for yourself?

It might be time for a break.

I am being so honest when I said that getting rid of every single distraction that could be keeping me from my goal was the single most important decision I could've made when planning 2024.

I went full on, no Netflix, no YouTube, no music, no games, no social media. No distractions. For at least the first month of my new routine and I plan on only adding everything back slowly.

I advise you do the same.

Remove the things that you can see could distract you from your goals. What's keeping you from going to bed early? What would you rather do than going to the gym?

I'm telling you, I haven't stopped working on myself, because I genuinely have nothing better to do. I've cut all the distractions out. Going on my one hour walk is now what I look forward to all day. The gym is the best part of my day.

My days currently consist of self improvement, wellness podcasts, reading Jane Austen, being active, cleaning my spaces, skincare and early nights.

But it feels like I'm living my dream life? Whenever I think of my ideal day it's never included 4 hours of mindless scrolling or spending 2 hours down a YouTube rabbit hole.

When I think of my dream life it's always been home cooked meals, reading and fancy skincare routines. I couldn't be happier and I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

TRY IT.

This is probably the most important step because the power that distractions have on us is so real.

You can do all the planning and have the best intentions but if your want to play games, scroll mindlessly on social media, text a guy that doesn't care about you or engage in celebrity drama is greater than your want to be better? Good Luck Charlie.

---- Making Your Goal Your Obsession ----

This is actually the fun part.

All I do is listen to podcasts about my goal, read books about my goals, make pinterest boards about my goals and talk to myself about my goals. I'm so obsessed.

Make a reading list, find some podcasts that align with your goals, follow blogs with the same mindset, talk to those of your friends that will get it.

This makes sure that nothing can distract you, and you can't just 'forget' to work towards your goal.

However, you must not let your time obsessing over your goal be more than your time actually working on your goal. Do not forget that.

------------- Books that could help ------------

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport

----- May the odds be ever in your favour.. -----

[richarlotte]

One of my favorite post-grad posters.

[kenyaraae]

guess I’ll bless yall.

[caviarproject]

Learn to be mysterious for your own good.

Keep your personal life limited, very limited from your friends and family.

Keep your relationship to yourself.

Keep your goals to yourself.

Keep your finances to yourself.

Keep your worries to yourself, journal it or pray about it.

Stop seeking validation from your friends and family, know who you are and stop seeking approval and validation from those around you or they will place doubt in your mind.

I say this to say that be aware everything you say be it will be repeated or used against you. People do this purposely or sometimes innocently.

Everyone will learn this lesson some way.

[latestinlove]

Keep people out of your business: (public love, private relationships)

One thing that will always remain true and through when dating is: your love life is your business.

Your girlfriends may love you and want the best for you, but they're not men and they're not your man.

Ladies, let's try harder not to get so caught up wanting to vent and express our true feelings about - the ex who keeps texting and calling, the men you go on dates with or your MAN ... and end up spilling alllll the tea.

This gives people on the outside looking in way too much permission to give you unwarranted advice about YOUR BUSINESS. And bad advice.

It's even worst that we often lead with and highlight the negative and now they end up not liking the man altogether.

Realistically, they're not the ones having s. with you, they're not on dates with you and they're not getting to know him like you are, so their opinions are just ... that.

It doesn't help that women who envy you LOVE to hear about anything negative you're dealing with. This goes for the secret haters too - ya mama, your sisters, your aunties ...

Now all of a sudden they have something to gossip about and their trash ass love life doesn't seem so bad.

This is why it's best to keep every thing real private.

More than likely your man isn't focused on grouping every aspect of your relationship with his family and friends. None of them could talk him into or out of being with you if he's truly where he wants to be. Plus, you wouldn't wanna be with him if other people's opinions (who barely know you) could easily sway him either.

Get a journal. Seriously.

Learn to walk yourself through the complications of your relationships and show gratitude for it when it's going good. NOTHING will feel better than appearing to have everything in your love life in order and taking care of every problem at home.

Think how interested you're in in every private relationship you know.

Your business stays your business and nobody will have ammo to use when and if you actually decide to share about your relationship.

[carmenthabaddie]

I am doing good. Just been resting and planning and affirming and putting me first. Loving my change from consistently working out to not having meat over 20 days and doing my makeup consistently and posting myself and being a inspiration to black women and knowing spirit and ancestors have plan for me and my sp David.

My singing getting better and I’m practicing more and letting go protectionism and comparing myself others because I have my voice which is unique and will be loved and celebrated and take me far. Spirit and ancestors have been go to me and my sp David and we praise and love and worship them. We want to be used by them to make the world a better place for everyone especially blacks. My worth is in myself and not others and know my worth and putting myself first and others last.

I have everything I need to be rich and famous and put myself first and go hard and pass my haters. I got everything I want and not afraid to be different and not need validation from everyone especially society. Black women are beautiful and should be loved and celebrated and spirit and ancestors gone be in me more and more. I want black women ti know we are important and deserve blessings and good treatment like non black women. Its no reason for us to help everyone but ourselves and can’t depend on others. Keep putting yourself first black women. Gone are days of us doing everything and others benefiting except we can’t depend on them. We deserve success and happiness and depend on spirit and our black ancestors. We can overcome anything as black women and put ourselves first. Spirit and want us to put ourselves first and come to African spirits and beautiful black ancestors. I have nothing but love for us. And proud of my spiritual growth and spiritual gifts growing and helping me overcoming anything or anyone not for me. Gotta go hard for what we believe in and never question Gods and ancestors blessings for us. 💖💖💖



[ghettoeloquence]

Black Femininity.

Let’s talk Black femininity: a hidden gem that seems to be within blurred lines.

Disclaimer: For me to “investigate” black femininity properly, I have chosen several beautiful black women who sport natural hairstyles/protective styles, natural bodied, and has a creative essence that envelopes them. These women are glamourous, soulful, eclectic, and beautifully flawed. This makes them no different than you and I. Finding the unique in our natural beauty, and those that sets us apart. Quite frankly, this, to me, seems as if it’s the root and/or epitome of the beauty around the world. The golden standard amongst most.

Hello to you my glamourous ladies!

This discussion will be about something I’ve recently found interesting. So apparently, in today’s society (or to specify, the male-i-sphere), there is a discussion about the level of femininity that black women have in contrast to other races/ ethnicities of women. Now, I’ve spoken about submission (a biblical concept) in a worldly discussion and like always, it’s taken out of context. Or in other words perverted, like the devil does everything God creates. The world has been speaking down on black women for seems like forever but my issue is with black women. 

I find it really disheartening to see you accept this notion, let it sink into your mind, and become subservient to it. This is not us! We are the epitome of femininity and the origin of humans. Show some dignity, ladies (ouch, but needed to be said)! Believe me, I become furious when I hear what everyone says about us too, but we CANNOT, for the life of us, ingrain everything someone says about us. 

HOWEVER…

Lets get something CRYSTAL clear…

FEMININITY IS NOT INHERETLY EUROCENTRIC. 

FEMININITY IS NOT STARIGHT OR CURLY WIGS.

FEMININITY IS NOT DRESSING A CERTAIN WAY.

FEMININITY IS NOT SPEAKING SOFTLY OR A HIGH PITCHED VOICE.

FEMININITY IS NOT WEARING PINK AT ALL TIMES.

FEMININITY IS NOT APPEARING WEAK.

FEMININITY IS NOT APPEALING TO THE MALE GAZE.

FEMININITY IS NOT IN COMPETITION WITH OTHER WOMEN WHO ACT/LOOK DIFFERENT THAN YOU.

FEMININITY IS NOT ACTING ALL GIDDY AND BUBBLY AROUND MEN.

FEMININITY IS NOT BEING AN AIRHEAD SO THAT MEN CAN DO THINGS FOR YOU.

FEMININITY IS INNATE IN WOMEN ONLY!

If you as a women thing all these things are false, I got some bad news for you…

Black Women this is a wakeup call to realize that there is femininity in our own culture. There is femininity in our own hair. There is femininity in our own traditions. There is femininity in our own history. I hate to see black women who change or “tweak” themselves to appear more feminine (which they assume is the appearance of European women). Why do you think that femininity is inherently European? Why do you think that you have to wear your hair a certain way or talk a certain way to be feminine? Are you not enough already, as a Women? 

To me, this just sound like racist talking points regurgitated, twisted, tweaked, flipped, reversed, and spinned again. Why are you so comfortable portraying yourself this way for the sake of acceptable “femininity”? Why are you so comfortable telling the black female youth this madness? Who told you that femininity was a look? Don’t worry Ill wait…

This may hurt but darlings we must be honest with ourselves. If we like this “aesthetic” then cool but who lied to you and said that femininity is based off Eurocentric standards?

Here’s the truth: FEMININITY LOOKS DIFFERENT FOR EVERY ETHNIC GROUP.

How does Latinx femininity look? Polynesian? Asian? Middle Eastern? Continental African?

So why on earth are you so adamant on accepting your own femininity and embracing its uniqueness? I don’t blame you though because I’ve been there. I thought the same as you. I felt how you’ve felt. This has been ingrained in our minds since childhood. But were furthering it at this point. 

Let’s look at some of my favorite examples of what Black femininity looks like.

Thoughts?

[mziceebaby]

@Leomie_Anderson on Twitter

[aurummarie]

[sierraaaaavonnn]

[pinksatinsashes]

You don't need to look like everyone else to be pretty.

You don't need to dress like everyone else, do your makeup like everyone else, talk like everyone else, behave like everyone else.

And you better not get surgery to look like everyone else.

You are your own person, and you can be pretty in your own way.

[richarlotte]

What helped you get your confidence?

There are nuances and things about us that other women will never be able to comprehend, much less replicate. Our hair, our bodies, the color of our skin—these are all things that other women are so desperate for. We are the blueprint: BBLs, lip fillers, our style, our culture—no one in history has been as replicated as black women are. 

When it comes to femininity, we wrote the book. Why would men not wildly desire us? I've met so many high value men who want to treat and spoil me because I am a black woman. We were made to be creative, desired, loved, spoiled, and respected by the right men. We have always been first, yet we've neglected to put ourselves first. 

We live in a world where everyone wants to be us, but not everyone has that privilege. There are black women who marry billionaires, black women who become billionaires, black women who are loved and spoiled beyond our wildest dreams, and black women who are put first by their partners kept private, and protected.

We have listened to the world and convinced ourselves that it's not possible for us to be loved, treated well, and marry well, but that's so far from the truth. We have to take back our confidence, do more of the things that make us feel good, chase peace instead of conflict, and let ourselves experience life in order to get some of our joy back. Being wildly pro YOU is a weapon others wish they could wield.

[kenyaraae]