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sadly-never-after · 20 days

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God this escalated but I had so much fun with it

Some headcanons about duchess relationships

Canon (kind of) Friends

Sparrow Hood

Sparrow gave her the earrings she wears with her main outfit.

They were friends since they were kids but they started drifting apart on their first two years of high school because of the royal vs. Rebel conflict and Duchess growing bitterness over her destiny. Their first real and biggest fight was on True Heart’s Day and they later had another falling out because of NTV. However shortly after they started reconciling and by the time the Spring Unsprung Festival came they were back to normal.

One time during one of their quarrels, Duchess transformed into a swan and left angry. Later he found her and tried talking to her. They had to do some throne work together and eh was too tired to keep being angry. He tried to talk with her but she wouldn’t transform back so he took her in his arms and carried her to their classes. She still refused to transform back and he was getting annoyed because she pecked and batter her wings at him the entire time. The teachers asked him why he brought that bird to class and he was just like “It’s Duchess. She is just honked off” He basically dragged her to lunch and sat them down with Kitty & Faybelle. He explained and they smiled. Faybelle said “I hope she gives you hell” and Kitty giggled to his annoyance. After classes were almost finished he saw her eat a bug and he started getting worried. He thought for some reason her curse had taken hold of her and was terrified. He asked Cupid which Princes at school had just gotten in a relationship because maybe if he broke them up Duchess would go back to being normal. Among other people, when he was borderline desperate, he realised Dexter (epitome of a “failing” prince) had finally gotten together with Raven. He tried to break them up because maybe Dexter was meant to be Duchess’s prince. When that didn’t work the two tried talking to him. He explained and Raven agreed to help him break Duchess spell. They want to pick Duchess, whom Sparrow had left in his Treehouse. Her magic didn’t work, probably because it was a benign spell and Sparrow almost broke down, they then headed to the students lounge to get Farrah. As soon as they entered they saw Lizzie, Kitty, Faybelle & Duchess playing cards together. His first emotion was immense relief and he gave her a hug so hard he ended up lifting her in the air. He was so happy he didn’t care when she called him bird bray and yelled for him to let her go. Then he realised he had been carrying some random bird around school the entire day and that people had seen him cry because of Duchess. He was less relieved. Embarrassed…slightly confused over how much the entire thing seemed to affect him.

Duchess has only taken two people to see her mother. When she took Sparrow, she didn’t tell him about her mother, she just took him to the lake. He got bored really fast because of how quiet she got and because she told him not to make any noise. Then he started commenting on the swans and was like “what’’s up with that one?” when he saw one that was further away from the others and hissed at nothing. Duchess didn’t answer and just kept feeding the other swans. Then she started crying “Man someone should put that thing out of its misery.” and she responded with angry tears on her eyes, “That’s my mother.” He didn’t say much for the rest of the day. They just stayed there and he put a hand on Duchess shoulder when she started crying, he sat next to her, played some of her favourite songs and after a while she rested her head on his shoulder. Later they walked back together and they haven’t spoken about it ever since.

After that happened, he started feeling a bit weird around Duchess and then after some soul-searching he realised he was a bit in love with her. Not a crush, didn’t feel as passionate as a crush, but maybe equally intense. He decided not to act on it though because he is not that stupid and knows it would be really destructive and unhealthy. He told Tucker about it and told him he and the band always suspected it but they didn’t want it to be true.

Duchess’s grandmother dislikes him a lot. She is always relieved when they get into a fight and always disappointed once the two start hanging out again. However, since this has never negatively affected Duchess’s academic performance she lets it pass. As strange as it is, he does find it weirdly touching that she defends him.

They usually spend parents weekend together. Maid Mariam is busy as she is part of the teaching staff and Sparrow’s dad is dead. The two just hang out together and judge (secretly envy) every student who is having a sweet time with their parents.

It annoys her a lot but she has never missed a single one of his concerts. At first she would claim she just happened to be around and din’t know they were going to play. Later when he started playing for the school she excused herself saying it was because she couldn’t just avoid it. As of now she usually claims that she has nothing better to do but no one believes her.

However, she always does his makeup for the stage. She knows about that stuff, being a ballerina, and she claims she doesn’t want him to look ridiculous because it will affect her reputation (pls take that hat off). At first Sparrow hated it because he thought it was girly but there was something relaxing and cozy about closing his eyes and letting her use brushes on his face. By now he actually likes it a lot and even wears eyeliner with most of his outfits.

He got Duchess into listening some of his favourite bands and recurrently makes her mixtapes that consist mostly of rock versions of classical music, some of his newest songs. They have spats about infamous female punk rock Idol, Courtly Love. Duchess defends all of her actions.

Faybelle Thorn

They met at spellementary school and became fast friends by neither of them being intimidated by the other. It was a welcomed challenge that developed into genuine friendship over the years. Initially, Duchess’s grandmother wasn’t very approving of their friendship and was even rather unnerved by Duchess’s two main friends being the lazy son of a known criminal and the very competitive daughter of a known evil-doer. She isn’t overly fond of Faybelle but has seen how happy this friendship has made Duchess and became a lot more supportive of the two when she realised how their competitive side got them to be on top of their classes.

They have quarrels about the differences between being a cheer hexer and a ballerina. Faybelle tried to convince her to get into cheer hexing but after thinking about it more deeply she realised that could be detrimental to their friendship since they would get overly competitive

Their second year at school distanced them a little because they have very few classes together and each of them is also giving their 100% on throne work and extracurriculars so they made a promise to try to have a sleepover/friendly date every Sunday and pick each other as partners for class assignments as often as possible. Once Bunny was assigned as Fay's roommate it, Duchess & Bunny just switched dorms so the wondelrandians could have sleepovers at Duchess & Lizzie's dorm.

They are the sort of friends who can spend months without talking but still refer to the other as "my best friend forever after" when talking to other people.

Mutually judge each other over Briar/Sparrow.

They borrow each others jewellery all the time to the point sometimes they don't know who it actually belongs to.

Fay has a tendency to do cheers for Duchess after she's done with a performance. Duchess is usually embarrassed by how inappropriate they are for a ballet function but she always gives her a hug and thanks her for it.

Faybelle is the friend with whom she is never sad when she is around. She knows how to cheer her up, how to be so mean that Duchess can take it as motivation. She knows how to provoke her into action

Duchess has only taken two people to see her mother. Sparrow is one, as already mentioned, and Faybelle is the other. Unlike with Sparrow, Duchess told her that she wanted to take her to meet her mother. Faybelle immediately knew which swan was Duchess's mom. How could she now? Looking all scared and aggressive? With all that bare skin from plucking its own feathers? Something was obviously wrong with that animal. It was a really difficult thing to see and they didn't say a word while Duchess threw bread crumbs and fruits at the swans but Faybelle thinks of it as "The moment she knew she would never forsake Duchess". She hugged her mother extra tight the next time she saw her.

Duchess told Faybelle about the entire deal of her ending up in General Villainy class and of the possibility of her becoming the evil queen and Faybelle was charmed. She knows that’s not Duchess’s ideal ending but come on!!! We could rule the world together! She isn’t pressuring her or anything but man she would love it if Duchess embraced a destiny of villainy instead one of punished selflessness.

Lizzie Hearts

First they both thought that the other was too loud and talked too much. Now they send each other “the yapper-the listener” memes but both of them are convinced of being the listener and think of each other as the yapper.

They started warming up to each other as the months passed by. Lizzie felt more at home with Duchess brutal honesty and sarcasm than with the other princess and Duchess started spending a lot of time with her and Kitty. It was really nice for her to finally have a fellow princess to bond with.

They had a massive fall out due to Next Top Villain. Even after Duchess saved Lizzie, it was still a bit awkward around them. Just when things were getting almost back to normal…the thing with Daring happened. It distanced them even more and brought a lot of conflicting feelings for the two of them. It took a lot of time for the two of them to mend their friendship again.

After they got over the entire fiasco with Daring , they decided that from then on they would take each other on a date to the cinema once or twice a month. They loved “Lost in Riddlish”.

Only four people know about what happened with Lizzie, Daring & Duchess at the cinema; Kitty, Lizzie, Daring & Duchess. The two of them have talked about it quite often to the point where Duchess thinks Lizzie was maybe flat out in love with Daring. One time she asked her, months after it had happened and Lizzie started crying and didn’t answer.

Duchess knew they were back to being friends, perhaps even better friends than they had ever been, and that she had been truly forgiven, when Lizzie gave her a present. It was her Birthday Ball dress, sewn by Lizzie herself.

If Faybelle is the friend with whom she is never sad when she is around, then Lizzie is the friend with whom she can allow herself to be sad. Their history has been turbulent and perhaps because of it, there’s an air of melancholy but coziness when they are alone. Sometimes they just lay on the carpet and talk until the late hours of the night. Lizzie doesn’t necessarily feel understood when she tries telling her about her issues with having to flee Wonderland, but she feels seen and acknowledged.

They know each others orders both for Hocus Latte and Wonderland Haberdashery & Tea Shoppe. Sometimes when they know the other is stressed out because of hexams they will pick up something for them without asking. It’s a small detail they cherish in their friendship.

During their summer vacations after their second year, Duchess invited Lizzie to her Grandmother’s home and they spent the holidays together. Out of Duchess’s few friends, Lizzie is by far her Grandmother’s favourite. The two spent a lot of time swimming around the lakes, Lizzie taught Duchess how to play croquet (with custom swan looking mallets), and she also found a lot of fashion inspiration in the scenery. It was Lizzie’s favourite trip since she left Wonderland. (She sent her mother pictures)

Lizzie is now teaching her how to speak riddlish because she would eventually like to take her to Wonderland one day too.

Family

⛸️･:*:｡Duchess’s Grandmother

She is her paternal grandmother. Her father is currently spending the rest of her life happily married to his Odile and him and Duchess have never been allowed to contact each other. She isn’t affected by it as hardly as she should be. It has been like this for generations, so she doesn’t question it much. Duchess’s Grandmother doesn’t talk about her son, she had to break contact with him as well the day she started caring for Duchess. The fact that the Book of Legends chose him as the next Prince Siegfried is proof that he wasn’t an appropriate Prince Charming and she takes this as her own failure in raising a proper prince. This is why she is strict in regards to Duchess being the best possible student she can be. She is quite proud of Duchess following her advice and being a top student. She still misses her son.

One of the few things she truly dislikes about Duchess are her friends. She would have much rather liked it if Duchess had been more amiable and well-mannered, maybe spending time with Apple White or Darling Charming; princesses of good families with actual respect for tradition and propriety. Instead she gets a common thief with no taste for the arts, a mediocre gymnast (she considers cheer-hexing a bastardised and clearly inferior version of ballet) and a homeless princess with anger issues.

She deeply loves Duchess, even if she’s sometimes a bit cold towards her, she considers her the daughter she could never have and deeply fears the day her fairytale begins because she doesn’t know how she could bare having to lose another child. Sadly, Duchess’s rebelling wouldn’t solve any of this. She would be too ashamed of both of the children she raised being “failures”.

She heavily discourages Duchess from dating, not wanting her to get attached to anyone knowing what awaits her at the end. She knows of her crush on Daring and doesn’t mind letting her daydream because she knows a son of the Charming Family will never pay attention to her, so it’s not like she’ll have any false hopes.

They love ice-skating together. It was Duchess’s Grandmother who taught her and it’s their favourite winter activity. .

She used to attend every single one of her ballet performances and was on the first row smiling reassuringly. Her health started declining once Duchess started her time at EAH but whenever she can’t be there, she sends her a bouquet with a letter and has the school film the act for her.

Duchess gets her snark, sarcastic and mean side from her and both of them love that. They like to judge other people’s outfits together and always share gossip with each other.

‎♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧ Odette (Duchess’s mother (I want to call her Bella Swan. Stop me.))

She started writing a series of letters for Duchess after signing the storybook of legends, knowing that her end was near. She asked Milton Grimm to give them to her once Duchess started attending EAH but once students started to rebel against their destiny he felt that it could mislead Duchess into trying to rebel so he decided to burn them.

During the first months of Duchess’s life, the first months of Odette’s transformation, she was still conscious of her life and of being a woman trapped in the body of a swan. She would fly up to Duchess room and would settle next to her sleeping body, letting her baby hug her neck.

Sometimes Duchess’s grandmother brought Duchess to her mother’s lake and would watch as Odette & Duchess splashed around the water.

When Duchess was four she once ran toward her and Odette instinctively batted her wings at her and hit her hard enough for Duchess to fall into the water. She didn’t know why she did. It just felt natural to her. When she tried to soothe her by rubbing her peak next to her daughters face her daughter backed away and for some reason Odette hissed and raised her wings as a warning once again. That very same day she realised how strange her feathers felt. They itched and she started plucking them away with her beak but the skin was still left raw, burning.

When Duchess was five she still went to the lake as often as she could but Odette no longer truly recognised her. She felt some sense of affection for the kid but didn’t know who those people were to her. Whenever she saw her or the Grandmother she started plucking her feathers, completely confused and irritated by something she couldn’t quite identify.

When Duchess was six the swan didn’t approach her anymore, not at all. It wouldn’t get near her or her grandmother when they started throwing crumbs at the lake and she would hiss if they tried to approach it. It seemed to avoid the other swans as well and it’s skin was bare, a little bloody.

Duchess’s grandmother stopped taking her to that lake after that. Duchess goes once or twice a year on her own now but most of the time she avoids it.

Not friends but honorary friends/people she treats better than she treats most people

Courtly Jester

Ok, hear me out, Courtly considers Duchess her friend, even her bffa. Duchess DOES NOT consider Courtly her friend, they don't know each other that well on her opinion, but Duchess undoubtedly admires Courtly even if she knows she shouldn't.

This is the girl who had the guts to do what Duchess has been dreaming of doing. Take the destiny you think you deserve! To hell with those who are given that which you are denied! Even if by doing so you endanger the friend I deeply care about and whom I have already fucked up with badly! Twice!

With this in mind, obviously Duchess was a bit more open to Courtly when she enrols at EAH. Not overly friendly but more of "the one not straight up mean kid". She was concerned because of her fragile friendship with Lizzie and how this could affect it. Courtly kind of attaches herself to Duchess due to this minimal act of kindness.

Nevertheless, Duchess will admit that she likes it when Courtly sits next to her at class. 1. Because that means all of Courtly's fucking bells won't be in the way of her seeing the board and 2. Because she will make nonsensical and funny remarks about the other students and it will make her giggle. She finds it a bit sweet to realise most of the people she draws in are like this (Faybelle, Sparrow).

Kitty Cheshire

They barely interacted until Duchess & Lizzie became roommates. Kitty was amiable at first since Lizzie didn't talk too badly about her and they even became fast friends, going for tea dates at the Wonderland Haberdashery & Tea Shoppe, hanging out at the lake together and overall just hanging out together. Lizzie was their union most of them time but they liked each other.

....Then Duchess publicly humiliated and betrayed Lizzie because of the next top villain assignment...Kitty couldn't stand her anymore and would have made her life impossible had it not been for Lizzie. When Lizzie & Duchess reconciled Kitty kept being cold but wasn't on attack mode.

....And then the thing with Daring happened... and even if Lizzie knew it wasn't Duchess fault and it didn't fully strain their friendship, it did affect Kitty & Duchess's slowly recovering friendship... And then just when things were getting better between them and they were back to sitting together at the casstleria...Courtly called Duchess her BFFA... Kitty is now hostile, even if it's one-sided and even if she and Courtly get along pretty well. Duchess & Kitty can be in the next room and spend time together with Lizzie, but Kitty will not answer any of Duchess comments unless it's with malice. You don't find them alone anymore.

Duchess actually really misses her. Sometimes she talks to Lizzie about it in their shared moments of nostalgia and Lizzie doesn't reassure her. Duchess still misses her.

Nathan Nutcracker

Had to partner once because Duchess was sick the day the partners were assigned and her teacher “forgot” about her. It was a catastrophe. She was already frustrated and when he almost dropped her, she took it out on him and treated him badly. Later, after prompted by Lizzie, seeing how sad he was + the fact that they still needed to work together for a dance she ended up apologising. Nathan then convinced her of exchanging their roles and costumes! Although Duchess was initially very reluctant they did and it was a success.

After that, they were short guy in ballet/tall girl in ballet solidarity.

They have very sassy pretend-mean debates on classic ballet vs modern ballet, and on whether ballets is an art and sport or only an art. Nathan is a defender of modern ballet and considers it to be also a sport.

They tease each other about their love lives; Duchess teases him about Briar & Cedar (he denies both of them but blushes and stutters) and Nathan teases her about Daring & Sparrow (She openly admits Daring and vehemently denies being into Sparrow but seems a lot more passionate when talking about Sparrow for some reason. )

Maid Marian

When Duchess & Sparrow were kids it was Mariam who encouraged them to befriend each other. She knew Duchess mom and felt sad upon seeing this lonely girl. This backfired somewhat because they became menaces together and started bullying Raven.

She loves how responsible she is (and how Sparrow becomes a bit more responsible when they are on good terms) and is one of the few teachers who treats her justly, often involving her in the class and sometimes even showing some slight favouritism (although Darling is her actual favourite) by making snarky side comments.

Suspects Sparrow might be into her but has never said anything about it because she doesn’t want to get in the way of their relationship regardless of how it develops.

Is rooting so hard for her to rebel. She has thought about it so much, is daydreaming of plans and subtly tries to inspire her to do so by telling her about how she got her happy ending by going off page. She even sets her up with Darling in partner assignments to try to influence her (this is what Duchess lets down her hair should have been about).

Melody Piper

Had a warm but not particular relationship. The two of them regarded each other as "that other girl who hangs out with Sparrow sometimes".

But! after Melody asked her dad to help her mix some of his classic music with her beats, Duchess became one of her biggest fans. The two would hang out together to plan choreographies for Duchess to dance so Blondie could advertise Melody's newest album on her MirrorCast. Melody still considers her to be too dramatic and high maintenance for them to become friends but it was a cool thing both of them experience and it made them think more fond of each other. It established a type of warmth.

After that they became two snarky menaces for Sparrow to suffer. They annoy the hell out of him and usually they even get the support of the merry men...sometimes even his mom's.

(She lowkey likes Melody's music more than Sparrow's but she won't hurt him that bad.)

Humphrey Dumpty

After Humphrey helped her on Muse-Ic class, he decided to follow her on MyChapter. To everyone’s surprise, she followed him back. Sometimes she even comments or likes his posts.

They share tips on how to help with each others chronic pain and complain about it together. Duchess gave him a pass through her spa membership and he recommended her a good physiotherapist.

Duchess sometimes asks him to film her practicing when she is trying to improve on something or when she realises that she’s making certain mistakes on her steps. He’s been teaching her how to work with a camera because of it.

He wrote a rap for Meeshell and decided to perform it for Duchess since she was a girl and he wanted to know what she thought of it. She didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth because of this being one of the first times someone who isn’t Sparrow, Faybelle or Lizzie cares for her opinion, and also because she figured Meeshell would probably like it regardless.

Littlest billy goat gruff

He is her abhorrent admirer, alright, but she knows what that’s like and quite honestly it’s just nice to feel like someone likes her a bit. She feels weird around him because he is one of the few people she doesn’t want to be rude to but she also doesn’t want to date him.

Sometimes she sees him eating grass and flowers around the lake and it makes her chuckle a bit because it reminds her of how she would eats water plants and insects when she was a kid. One time she eats a lily flower in front of him and he is so astonished his mouth hangs open. Then the two laugh.

Protective over the little guy.

One time he heard about Sparrow inviting her to one of his concerts and he asked if he could go too. It was a lot more fun than anyone expected.

Tucker

Ok listen it’s not that Tucker hates her or anything but he’s so tired of all the unnecessary drama surrounding her and Sparrow’s friendship/love life/situationship/whatever the fuck is going on between them.

However when the two are co-existing alone they can be pretty amiable with each other.

He actually really likes working with her as a partner in muse-ic class. Since she is pretty bad at it she allows him to take the lead on the creative aspects while she acts more responsible about the theoretical and more objective parts of the assignment. And it’s refreshing to play “the face of the band” for a short bit even when he usually prefers to stay in the shadows as the second guitar.

When Duchess gave him a mood rose after they were shot with cupids arrows on “Heart Stuck” it turned yellow and although they’ve never talked about it, he was kind of touched by it.

The Dark Fairy

They Have a good bond over both of them loving Faybelle.

Although Duchess’s Grandmother is irreplaceable, Duchess sometimes thinks that, had she gotten to meet her mother as a person, she would have liked her to be like The Dark Fairy.

The two planned a party once and didn’t invite Faybelle. When Faybelle discovered it and irrupted in an overly dramatic way she found out it was her birthday party. It was the only reason she didn’t curse Duchess and instead gave her a really hard hug and The Dark Fairy was extremely proud of her daughter.

Dark Fairy has sometimes wondered if perhaps she can break or at least twist Duchess future curse after all the necessary parts of her destiny have been acted out.

Meeshell Mermaid

Was very weary on the new kid but once she found out about her destiny, Duchess became more soft-hearted around her because of how both of them are so very doomed by the narrative and a prince who chooses another girl

She once went to her lake to dance and found Meeshell already there, swimming and singing gleefully. Meeshell wanted to leaves, she was embarrassed and a bit afraid since she had heard of (and witnessed) Duchess's cruel reputation. Duchess however, very surprisingly told her she could stay if she wanted and the two just ignored the other as each indulged in their respective passion.

The more time passed the more the two started warming of to each other even if they didn't talk much.

One day Meeshell was oddly happy and excited and Duchess commented on it, which lead her to tell Duchess about her Date with Humphrey. The two had an oddly intimate and long conversation that day about what it means to have a future in which you are meant to be unloved and how this influences them to become unloveable while deeply starving for validation. They didn't become immediate friends but it was one of those things that neither of them forget about and ever since there is a sense of mutual understanding between the two

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whumpster-fire · 10 months

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The (N+1) Little Pigs

Where N is a comically large number.

From: Fairy Tales To Tell Other People's Children To Get Out Of Being Asked to Babysit In the Future: An Anthology

Once Upon A Time, there were (N+1) little pigs, who lived in a house with their mother. One day, their mother kicked them out to seek their fortunes in the world, because they were unemployed losers who turned their rooms into pigsties.

The First Little Pig saw a farmer selling bales of straw. "Aha!" he thought, "That looks like the perfect material to build a house for the minimum amount of effort!" He told his brothers this. They all looked at him like he was an idiot.

"A straw house is easy to build, but it's also easy to tear down!" said the Third Little Pig. "What if a wolf comes?" He started to show his brother studies about the maximum wind loads of straw houses, but the First Little Pig wasn't listening.

"Wolves are a hoax," said the First Little Pig. He bought the straw anyway, and built a rather ramshackle house.

The Second Little Pig laughed at the first little pig's foolishness, but when he saw a woodcutter selling sticks, he thought: "I want a big house, but I don't want to waste too much time building it. These will be perfect."

The Third Little Pig saw a bricklayer selling bricks, and thought: "These will make the strongest house possible. I'd like to see a wolf break into this!"

Soon, the Big Bad Wolf came along. He saw the houses the pigs had built, and he came up with a plan. He knocked on the door of the First Little Pig's straw house.

"Good Morning," he said to the First Little Pig. "Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior -"

"Go away, I'm playing Minecraft!" shouted the First Little Pig, and slammed the door in the Big Bad Wolf's face. So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan.

"Hi, I'm installing Rooftop Solar, do you have a moment to talk about -"

"Go away."

So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan.

"We've been trying to reach you concerning your car's extended warranty -"

"Die in a fire, Big Bad Bitch."

So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan. He knocked on the door one more time.

"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

The Big Bad Wolf peered in the window, and decided the hair on the pig's chinny chin chin wasn't much of a threat. It was kind of unimpressive actually. A neckbeard, even.

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

Then the Big Bad Wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the straw house to pieces, and that was the end of the First Little Pig.

He moved on to the Second Little Pig's house, and repeated the process, only without the several ineffective scams. He went straight to the threats and demands, which is an admirable quality in a villain.

"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

Then the Big Bad Wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the stick house to splinters, and that was the end of the Second Little Pig.

The Third Little Pig watched his brothers' demise from his brick house, and made a smug FaceBook post about inferior construction methods. When he heard a knock on his door, he said without even waiting for the wolf to speak: "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

"Uhh, this is your neighbor Bob. I just wanted to check in and see if you're okay, I saw on NextDoor there were two houses blown in by a wolf, and my neighbor Dale said both the victims were pigs, so it seems like there's a pattern."

"Oh. Sorry," said the pig. "Don't worry about me, I've got the strongest house in the whole town!" and he patted the brick walls.

Bob the Neighbor left, and the Big Bad Wolf came along.

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

"Aww, come on, man, you didn't even give me a chance to knock!"

"This story's getting too long."

"Fair. Ahem… I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

The Third Little Pig waited smugly in his armchair, waiting for the wolf to tire himself out. But what he didn't realize was that his attic windows had blown in. The Third Little Pig had built his house with a gable style roof for aesthetic reasons, and he had neglected to install hurricane ties as required by building codes in many areas prone to high wind disasters. With wind blowing inside the attic and over the roof, it acted just like a wing! The whole roof lifted off the house and blew away, and without the structural support, even the sturdy brick walls collapsed, crushing the Third Little Pig armchair and all.

The Fourth Little Pig built his house out of stone, with structurally adequate roof design. The wolf huffed and puffed with all his might, but the house just wouldn't budge!

So the Big Bad Wolf waited for the Fourth Little Pig to leave the house. After a few days, this little piggy went to market, when this little piggy should have stayed home. But this little piggy had to buy roast beef, because this little piggy had none. This little piggy saw a familiar shape in the parking lot, and cried WEEE WEEE WEEE WEEE, half of the way home. Not all the way home, because he only got halfway there before the Big Bad Wolf caught him and ate him.

The Fifth Little Pig purchased a 7500 sq ft McMansion in a gated community. But the house soon began to fall apart due to its subpar construction, and the Little Pig lost all his money in the subprime mortage crisis. The bank foreclosed on him, and threw him out in the streets, where the Big Bad Wolf had an easy meal.

The Sixth Little Pig built a sturdy wooden house: not a flimsy stick one, but solid timber framing. The wolf huffed and he puffed, but he could not blow the house in. Instead, he poured gasoline all over the exterior walls of the house and lit a match. The house caught fire, and turned the Sixth Little Pig into fried bacon.

The Seventh Little Pig built another stone house, and a very nice one it was. In fact, it was a castle. But he'd built it on a swamp, so his castle sank into the swamp. So he built another castle. That one sank into the swamp. So he built a third one. That one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one stayed up! And that's what the Seventh Little Pig's son inherited: the strongest castle in all of Pigland. However, when Wolfram the Conqueror invaded in 1066 AD, the Seventh Little Pig's castle proved incapable of withstanding the ferocious assault of the Warwolf Trebuchet. The Seventh Little Pig tried to surrender before the monstrous siege engine was even completed, but the Big Bad Wolf just laughed, and said there was no way he was going to all that effort to build such a large trebuchet and not use it. Soon the castle lay in ruins, and the Noble House of the Seventh Little Pig was broken.

The Eighth Little Pig built his house out of reinforced concrete. "I'd like to see you huff and puff this house down!" he boasted. "And I've got enough supplies in here to last for two years!"

But the Big Bad Wolf knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy, and the guy who a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy knew a guy who knew was an armadillo who worked in the demolitions industry. The armadillo set up several very large explosive charges all around the fourth pig's house.

"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!" said the Big Bad Wolf.

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"

The armadillo laughed, and said: "Then Fire In the Hole! I'll blow your house in!"

With an almighty BANG! that stone house went away, And what happened to the pig isn't pleasant to say. The locals claim porkchops and cutlets rained down On Roofs, streets and sidewalks for three blocks around And windows were broken all over the town.

A-hem! Enough rhyming, back to the story.

The Ninth Little Pig didn't build a house at all. He just wasn't into it, man. Building houses meant being part of the system! He crashed on other people's couches and smoked weed all day. One day there was a knock at the door.

"Hey, man! Wanna buy some weed?" asked the Big Bad Wolf, who was wearing a clever disguise: he had a baseball cap, sunglasses, and a t-shirt that said "420." The Ninth Little Pig stared at him through bloodshot eyes. He scratched the hairs on his chinny chin chin. "Sure, man. Totally radical." He let the wolf in. The wolf was planning to eat him, but the smell of weed was so overpowering that he immediately became high, and they talked about metaphysical philosophy for three hours. Sadly for the Ninth Little Pig, after that the wolf got the munchies and ate him. Due to the sheer quantity of The Devil's Lettuce the pig had partaken in, the Big Bad Wolf was tripping balls for several weeks.

The Tenth Little Pig decided to move to a faraway land where there were no wolves and build his house there. On his journey he came to a bridge, where a troll was waitin for passerby.

"Ha ha!" said the troll. "You must pay the troll toll! I will eat you, delicious pig!"

"Wait!" cried the Tenth Little Pig. "My big brother is coming, and he has a house made of sticks! Wouldn't you rather eat him instead?"

"What." Said the Troll, and there was a long, awkward silence. "That doesn't make any sense."

"I think this is the wrong fairy tale," said the pig.

"I agree," said the troll, and ate him, so the Big Bad Wolf lost this round.

Later, the Big Bad Wolf came to a train track, where he saw a speeding trolley heading towards a switch. On the track ahead were five little pigs tied to the train tracks, on the other track was a single little pig. By pulling a lever, the wolf could make the trolley switch to the other track, saving the five little pigs but dooming the single pig. The Big Bad Wolf didn't pull the lever and allowed the five little pigs to be run over, because he was a Big Bad Wolf and killing more pigs was a desirable result for him. The Mad Philosophy Professor who had tied the pigs to the tracks and sabotaged the trolley's brakes lost his funding due to the lack of conclusive results, which just goes to show the importance of sound experiment design.

The Seventeenth Little Pig holed up in his house and refused to leave. The wolf waited and waited, but as he was waiting, he saw a little girl in a red hood wandering through the woods with a picnic basket. The Big Bad Wolf decided to try to eat her instead, but that is a story for another time. The Seventeenth Little Pig seemed safe, but little did he know that a deadly swine flu pandemic was spreading throughout the community.

The Eighteenth Little Pig built a very grand and sturdy house of brick and stone, but it had large windows that were easy to break into. One night, a pack of four Big Bad Wolves broke into his house. "What the Devil?" cried the Eighteenth Little Pig as he grabbed his powdered wig and Kentucky Rifle. He huffed, and he puffed, and he blew a golfball sized hole through the first wolf, shooting him dead on the spot. He drew his pistol on the second wolf, but it missed him entirely because it was smoothbore and nailed the neighbor's dog. He had to resort to the cannon at the top of the stairs loaded with grapeshot. The grapeshot shredded two wolves in the blast, and the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. The Eighteenth Little Pig fixed bayonets and charged the last terrified wolf, who bled out waiting for the police to arrive because triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. "Ah," said the Eighteenth Little Pig, "Just as the Founding Sounder intended."

The Nineteenth Little Pig went to college to become a Marine Biologist. This had many benefits, including living on a research vessel far away from any Big Bad Wolves. Sharks, on the other hand, were a different matter.

The Twentieth Little Pig didn't build a house: he hid in a cave, where he survived on a diet of 10,000 spiders per day and never left. He survived the Big Bad Wolf, but he is an outlier and should not have been counted.

The End

#shitpost #overly elaborate shitpost #the three little pigs #parody #memes #monty python and the holy grail #trebuchets #structural engineering #nursery rhymes #mixed metaphors #the three billy goats gruff #trolley problem memes #there are many benefits to being a marine biologist #explosions #musket for home defense copypasta #Spiders Georg #I wrote this fever dream of a post on very little sleep

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