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Do you think Islas ganna wake up and wonder why her boys are so different? Why their hurt and bruised and they both have an eye thats not theirs? Different from the ones they had during their childhood, Both touchy about it for different reasons, do you think she's going to have to look into their unfamiliar eyes and be heartbroken because she tried to protect them both from exactly what they went through, from Fable, and from Enderian, and in her inability- something she couldn't have changed, she missed them growing up- their entire adult lives. and do you think it'll hurt more for the two brothers to have a parent who is devastated about how much they went through instead of pretending they can fix it if the two of them just listen blindly
#pretending that isla will totally remember rae 100%#becuase- i cant deal with that today#more isla morningstar thoughts i am her biggest fan#fsmp#fable smp#fin speaks
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Hey guys guess who has an infected tooth and is DYING of pain lmao
#actually not lmao at all#like#heres the thing i went to the dentist for the first time in my life just like. three weeks ago#and he basically told me he'll have to send me somewhere else bc the tooth was too complicated (i think its called a root canal in english)#and ive been taking meds for the pain (ibuprofen to be exact) and holy shit i am Scared#like my biggest fear in life is being addicted to hard substances and i KNOW its stupid but im just scared#ive been taking them for like a week bc the pain was/is truly so uncomfortable and just horrible#and i cant go to an appointment bc my mom just went herself and shes dealing with mouh pain too. its just. not a fun time#but if anyone dealt with this before and could give me some home relief tips id be grateful#i washed my teeth like 4 times a day just today holy hell it hurts#vent#not dc
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#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb#my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town#I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know#and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there#I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far#but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10#and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does#and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely#also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago#I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense#like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then#I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up#now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me#lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook#it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is#I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else#I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed#as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life#guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things#and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all#barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either#I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly#but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation#maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter#personal
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got so mad at my homework i accidentally snapped my pencil in half 🙁
#guys i think maybe im just not cut out for ap chem#😰😭🤨<- me trying to do chemistry math that i dont know how to do#anyway.. ill ask about it tommorow bc im done with this shit!!#i completed the other 3 hw assignments he gave us today so like. its not the biggest deal but its still annoying#i need to know how to do this shit!!#i can feel the impending 2 on the ap exam.. and thats okay (shaking)#this is what happens when you take a class bc a pretty girl told you to. she sirened my ass man.
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who else up feeling the soul-numbing empty hopelessness for absolutely no reason this friday night
#literally nothing bad even happened to me personally today cannot emphasize this enough#i just read one too many of the Wrong wikipedia articles during the period after the sun went down at fucking 4 pm or whatever and then#my brain just decided it was time to replay the biggest hits of the great 2020-2022 depressive episode for fun i guess#and now i’m having. a series of moments. over a series of ridiculous things#again not even specific things that have actually happened to me just the whole vague existential dread deal i guess#truly i haven’t felt this shitty without some kind of direct cause for a year and half at this point#which is having the semi-beneficial side effect of reminding me to appreciate just how good my mental health has been recently#like. remember how i used to just feel like this all the time for. actually most of my life Until a year and a half ago? damn that’s crazy#i hope i snap out of this lmao i really cannot deal with walking into the holidays as a hollow shell of a person#but i think i’ll be fine tomorrow actually pretty sure i’m just kind of sleep deprived after this week#caseyposting
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once again I just want to thank everyone on here who supports me <3 I know I haven't been online much except to vent about how I keep feeling anxious and depressed but even still you all support me and I hope you know this support system means so much to me because it's one of the few I have where I feel like I can fully express my feelings so thank you. <3
#autumn rambles#once again i'm feeling mostly better but i'm just anxious about getting upset again#I woke up today thinking I was better but then I had a really rough two hours#it's just a lot dealing with my mental health on top of everything else#what sucks is my mental health is the biggest problem for me rn and it would be very helpful if I could just stop having crying meltdowns#but my brain keeps say no <3 you must cry
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I updated my long fic today!
#maybe not the biggest news in the world today#but i'm very much a squirrel with a shiny object#that i focused on this and got it out is a big deal#whoop whoop#oh yeah
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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feeling sad :(
#sorry this is such a dumb thing to be sad about im a grown ass adult but like two thirds of the people i invited to my birthday#either cant come or said they would then bailed and like#some of them have legit reasons but some of them i'm kind of like :/ ok well i put in so much effort for yall would be really nice#if a crumb of that was reciprocated#idk i dont ask for much on my birthday i just want to have a nice dinner with my friends#and i have friends who like throw the biggest tantrum fusses about their birthdays and make it this entire spectacle#and people still humour them so it's kind of like#idk#do i really suck that bad that you cant make a saturday evening work to like eat good food#idk maybe next year i just wont plan anything#and everyone'll be like BUT SIMA IT'S THE BIG ONE and i'll be like well! i wish it werent!#bc it'll suck even more to have people not come lmao i dont actually think i've ever had a milestone birthday people just dont give a shit#this includes my parents idk like they are nice to me on my birthday but like no birthday was ever like hashtag special#and like the holidays already sucked so bad this year they did not feel like the holidays half the people i got presents for#didnt get me anything which is like fine i dont give presents to get them back but it kind of sucks to not even get a card? a thank you???#idk this is so stupid i am turning 29 i pay taxes this should not be a big deal#maybe it's bc i feel like half my 20s were pandemic years so it kind of sucks that theyre basically over and idk im just feeling sad and ol#and lonely and just kind of shitty and unlikeable#AND IT'S DUMBBBBB TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST IDK WHY I'M CRYING FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE
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everyone in the first age is so young and absolutely no one’s prepared for it. i think if i think about this too long i’m going to cry.
#tolkien#i consulted a second age timeline today and it got me right in the feelings#to be clear i'm assuming a reasonable valian-to-solar year conversion rate (i.e. 10 rather than the ~144 that tolkien later goes with)#partially because. you know. probably the flight of the noldor does not take 700 solar years.#i sure hope it doesn't at least#but like. say we use ~10 as our conversion rate.#anyone born circa Y.T. 1300 is just about 2600 by the end of the first age (if they get there)#and then the second age is 800 years longer than all of that#and like. they're by and large not hitting the first age with '2000 years dealing with the shadow'#they're hitting it with '2000 years during which the biggest dispute was feanor threatening fingolfin'#*one person* has died (prior to finwe)#*no one* knows what they're doing#and now the lights are out and everyone you know and love is suffering and dying#hardly anyone makes it out#by the time we hit the 2000th year of the sun we're still about ten years out from the rings of power being forged#it'll be nearly 2000 more years before the end of the second age#i don't know man this just *got* to me#correct me if my timelines are way off by the way; this is back-of-the-envelope
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Nothing like. Being in -19°F windchill on my way to work (ow ow ow ow) and then it's so cold the heaters just can't keep up with it so ur in 53-57°F throughout ur shift while touching cold things (drinks. Milks. Fridges. Agh.)
I have hand warmers but I feel so wrung out just from trying to survive this fucking cold. And I still have to do inventory.
#speculation nation#i really do not deal well with the cold#im rly scared of this giving me a pain flare. very real possibility#though the biggest problem is my legs. i forgot to look for my leggings for under my jeans#so theres no double layer for them#i wore my nice winter boots and doubled up with mittens and gloves and wore my nice winter had and coat with another jacket underneath#very bundled. except for my legs. those r what hurt the most coming in#(for context: I Bike For Transportation)#miserable time. i am utterly miserable today. i hate winter so Fucking much.#negative/#i guess. ugh.
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#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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wild im the youngest in my family and yet i'm the only one who knows how to be fucking civil. i am TRYING my BEST to keep everything calm and keep this fucking family together but you ASSHOLES keep DEHUMANIZING each other and not LISTENING to each other for advice you DESPERATELY need and just REFUSE to communicate about anything that may upset you even though it upsets EVERYONE ELSE a lot more. god. i am so so tired.
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NO SERIOUSLY THE SMILE CAN BE SOMETHING SO SPECIAL... because the concept originates in violence, intended as a last resort when you're cornered, a psychological bluff that might give you the upper hand... so for Arakawa to be able to recontextualize that as part of how his family communicates (along the lines of what we've talked about with regard to their language) is really something.
Especially because like, while he has varying degrees of success instilling the concept into his men, it's pretty safe to say they would all know what a smile from him means, right? They're family to him. So if there's this mix of Arakawa starting to smile more around Jo subconsciously and Jo picking up on it, maybe there's this period of consciously pulling back and of not wanting to read too much into it, respectively...
But Eventually it's this wordless affirmation of Jo having a place in Arakawa's family. Maybe he can't really put it into words in a way that doesn't make Jo feel awkward (I mean, he can't even manage that with Ichiban, much less someone with issues around that as deep-seated as Jo's, right). But he can do that much.
And I know I KNOW this bitch never has any reasons to smile but if Jo ever smiled back..................................
Anyway. Happy birthday to your bro and I'm glad you had a good day yesterday! You deserve it :) Come to think of it, my dad was born in July... and my Bestie Group Chat (ft. my friend who initially encouraged me to get over myself and send you an ask lol) was founded on Tsutsumi's birthday...
THAT'S WHAT IM SAAAAYING LIKE FUCK MAN it can be something SO personal and something SO confusing at first so when everything Clicks....... bruvv.....
#snap chats#late to answering this SORRY was having a whole episode this morning#but yeah........ you get it...... its just a concept that makes me scream and i wanna do something with it SOOO bad.... drives me insane..#its just good... great even.... Literally So Personal and unique to them and ouuuugh#DEADASS jo aint ever got SHIT to smile bout... s'why them rare-as-all-hell smiles gotta be worth a million dollars#with that out of the way... For Now because it WILL stew in my brain forever..#july the day for EVERYONE god DAAAMN ironic as hell you made your group chat on his bday tho 😩#and speaking of bdays.... it is my bros bday today... and i feel like the biggest piece of shit （；´x｀）#i told him i was leaving and i wouldnt be back until. //gestures vaguely// and he was just What 🥺??#IM SORRY BRO IM SORRYYY it just wouldnt end well i know it and so now im feeling so conflictedd#BUT THEN IT STARTED RAINING and listen i dont. HEAVILY believe in superstition or things like that#but bro every time it rains SOMETHING bad happens so now im just lost#but thats a problem for me to work out. with my sis. cause ill prob text her and be sad about it#for now ima deal with this minor toothache i got bruh OW??#ow. todays a painful day. and its only going to get worse this month cause its also my MOMS birth month#SEE EVERYONE BORN IN JULY absolute nightmare of a month.#in any case. ive just been sitting in a parking lot so i should prooobably go somewhere so bye for now :]]
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