#like my biggest fear in life is being addicted to hard substances and i KNOW its stupid but im just scared

[bruciemilf]

Hey guys guess who has an infected tooth and is DYING of pain lmao

[elfcollector]

AHEM. my time has come. FOR DELIGHT, if it pleases you... 2, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, 15, 17, 32, 34, 35, 41, 42, 44, 46, 47, 48, 50. i know it is a lot... my desire to know more of delight cannot be understated. HAVE FUN

ask me about my ocs! / accepting! / @bg3

FRAY GOOD LORD....i owe u my life. AWESOME. this is going under a cut cos its gonna get SO long.

2. Do they wear perfume/cologne? If so what scents do they prefer?

Not historically! They're an adventurer by trade, and rarely stay anywhere long — they show up, save the innocents, convince the baddie to lay off or kill them, and then they leave. And the vast majority of their adventuring is something they're doing alone. These things combine just mean they're rarely around another's company long enough to care about what others think of their smell, and they don't care aside from not wanting to smell gross.

That being said, they take bathing regularly seriously, so they do often smell, under the blood and etc., like clean soap! And, once they start getting closer with Shadowheart, some members of the camp notice they seem to have started wearing orchid perfume, despite having never done so before. Everyone's too polite to comment on how obvious they're being.

6. If they were badly injured, and for whatever reason couldn't go to a hospital, who would they go to for help?

I don't think they're the type to let others know they're injured! If they can, or even if they can't, they're gonna try to hide the injury and take care of it without anyone finding out. tough with a vampire on the team! that being said, when they do show it, wyll is 100% their go - to — they're best friends, and they trust him not to try any funny business.

7. Do they have any unusual fears?

I'm still sort of rotating the finer points of their backstory in my head like a rotisserie chicken, but they struggle to depend on others — their biggest fear is trusting someone (in the sense of trusting them to be honest, or to fulfill their end of a bargain, or etc.) and that trust resulting in not only their own suffering, but the suffering of others.

As for more unusual ones — they find the sound of bone cracking really unsettling, which is rough when your job involves so much violence.

8. Do they collect anything? If so, what and why?

They collect jewelry, though they rarely wear it! They're especially likely to take jewelry off of any corpses the gang finds.

If you looked through their (extensive) collection, you'd find a few things that are inscribed with the names Lythia and Lythi — it's odd that this name shows up so regularly. Poor Lythia must have died with a lot of jewelry, one supposes.

As for the why...if you asked directly, they'd say that jewelry is often a sign of love — after all, jewelry is so often a gift — and so, by holding onto it, Delight is preserving a sign of love between people, even if those people are dead. And they're not lying! That is most of the reason.

10. Do they have any regrets?

Oh, so many, but they won't talk about them for the most part. And, to their credit, most of the regrets are in the past; nowadays, as long as they did their best and did what was right (or as close as they could, in the circumstances) they're good at not blaming themselves for what happens that no one could have predicted. "I did the very best that I could, the rest is out of my hands."

That being said, the gang is the first time in years they've had any kind of real companions, and losing any of them would be...unbearable. No matter how good their intentions were or how much they tried, if they lost any of them, they'd...well, it wouldn't be pretty. That would be a regret.

11. Do they have any addictions?

If you asked them, they'd say "heroics, probably" as a joke. I don't think so, to be honest, and if they are addicted to anything, it's less substances and more...concepts.

14. Do they have a hard time opening up to people?

Yes, though it's less out of intentional secrecy (at least for the most part) and more because they're just out of practice. They've been on their own for a long time, doing solo heroism and only stopping to be a listening ear to whoever happens to be suffering along the way — that role doesn't require a whole lot of heart-baring on their part. When Shadowheart asked them to tell her something about them, they diverted and asked about her, not out of a desire to avoid the question but because it simply felt more natural after so many years of not confiding in anyone.

I mentioned that they hide wounds and things, and I do think it can be a challenge for them to open up about mistakes they've made in the past, but as far as their general day-to-day life and their dreams and etc, they wouldn't mind talking about that sort of thing if they could just break the listening-but-not-sharing habit.

15. What kind of sense of humor do they have? Or do they have one at all?

They're very funny! It tends to be a dry thing; they've got a lot of charisma, but when they're interacting as themself and not in the interest of trying to get someone from somebody (which is when they crank the charisma up) they tend towards a dry, deadpan humor. They and Gale get along fine, but he's so theatrical in his humor and they're so flat in theirs that they struggle to reach the other's wavelength some time. Ironically, they play off of Astarion's theatre-kid-isms no problem.

17. How easily would they be convinced to do something that goes against their morals?

It's INCREDIBLY hard. Delight has a very strong moral center and etc — they know that nothing haunts them quite like not sticking to their guns. Not that they're not flexible — they can adjust on the fly if there's not an obvious 'good' answer, and they're not above lying, stealing, etc. — but still...

There was a time a long time ago when they should have stuck to their morals, but they trusted someone too much, let that someone warp their goodness, let that someone convince them to set aside their morals, believed that someone when he promised that he'd fill in the gaps and keep people safe...and it ended with Delight scarred and so many others dead. Never again. If they cause death, better to be because of their own choice rather than their own abdication.

32. If they could change one thing about themselves what would it be?

If they could rewrite parts of their past, they would, but as for who they are now...they'd not change anything, I think! They fought for who they are now, and they like that person, despite the pain in their history.

That being said, they would love to get the tadpole out of their head. They very nearly let Volo put a fucking icepick through their skull about it.

34. How well do they deal with grief?

Depends on the kind of grief. If a loved one died naturally, they would mourn and be miserable for a long time, but they'd be okay. If someone they loved was lost to them and it was their fault, then...well! Again, it would not be pretty!

35. Do they believe in fate or do they believe they are in charge of their own destiny?

It's not something they think about, honestly, though if you asked them they'd eventually come back with "We're inclined to follow fate, but we can always break free if we choose." Another person acting cruelly or leaving others to suffer or failing themselves while claiming it's fate and not worth fighting would just make them angry.

41. Do they learn from their mistakes?

Whether they learn the right lessons is up in the air, but generally speaking, yes!

42. Can they speak multiple languages? If yes which all do they speak and why?

Does talking to animals count?

In all seriousness, yes! They grew up in a very multicultural environment, lots of languages happening at once, so they got used to that. It helps a lot in all their traveling.

44. Who, if anyone, would they trust with their deepest secrets?

It takes a long time for Delight to be willing to share the grittier parts of their history, their secrets; they're deeply ashamed of some of it, and fear being judged. That being said, Wyll is the first in the gang they'd be willing to share with. Shadowheart, eventually, then Karlach.

I imagine by the end of the game, they'll be there with most if not all of the gang. But their...primary circle or whatever is Wyll-Shadowheart-Karlach, and they'll always be the closest.

46. Would they lie to get out of trouble?

Oh, absolutely. They lie all the time and are good at it! Being a hero is as much about know how to diffuse a problem as it is about killing people, and sometimes the best way to diffuse a problem is to tell a half-truth.

47. Would they lie to get someone else out of trouble? Even if they would have to take that someone else's place?

Even more absolutely. Put them in jail because Karlach got caught with the sticky fingers. That's fine by them. It'll be fun.

48. How likely are they to go on a quest for revenge?

For their own revenge? Not going to happen. Revenge for someone they love? Almost definitely.

50. What is your favorite thing about them?

I joked before I got the game that a lot of my main PCs in these games, especially my first playthru, end up following the same basic beats — and Delight isn't anything truly groundbreaking for me. But I've enjoyed developing them in the game and in my head and seeing the small differences, the little stuff that's new. They're good and they do the right thing, but it's interesting how it seems to me like it stems less from like....how do I word this.

They are morally upright and have a tough moral center. But they don't really care if their companions don't (though, no killing innocents on their watch) because while they do believe in their morals it's like...they don't think about them. They do the right thing because that's just what you do, and because the time they didn't lead to the biggest regret of their life, but there's like...no posturing or sense of superiority or even sense of "my way is right and yours is wrong." Again, this has limits, but it's interesting to rotate this character in my head who is extremely good but not in a way that has anything to do with like...actual steadfast beliefs, if that makes sense? It's fun!

[howlingsaturn]

here's why the police station scene is, and will always be, the best and most meaningful tarlos scene.

we watched TK deliberately pick a fight and we realise that he's not doing well at all. we see him struggle with the aftermath of the break up, the overdose and probably the move to Texas and that's great. it shows that his problems don't suddenly disappear once he's out of New York.

Carlos doing his job, sitting at his desk, in uniform. do i need to add to that? maybe i do: have you seen the way he flicks his keys when he’s walking around TK? wow. just wow. 

we find out TK's full name. and Carlos, out of all people, is the one to tell us.

"Isn't you processing me like a conflict of interest or something?" — TK acknowledges their connection. it's meant as a joke, obviously, he tries to deflect, but he does not deny that there's something between them and that is a very crucial point.

Carlos reaching for TK's wrist to take off the handcuffs. i don't know why but there's something strangely intimate about it. (my darling alice, @reyeslonestar, said that it's a metaphor in the way that Carlos is freeing TK from his fears and insecurities, thus allowing him to finally open up to someone and that's beautiful.)

"The bad news is that means you did this with a clear head." — TK's face. that's all. just look at his face when Carlos says his piece. he's hurting so much, you can literally see it in his eyes.

Carlos is both gentle and firm during his talk. he's careful not to push his boundaries but he feels close enough to TK, which says a lot about the instant connection they shared, to not be afraid to speak his mind. it's obviously something TK needed to hear and it's so important that it's Carlos who does it instead of, for example, Owen. Owen is too close, he's had the front row seat to his son's drama. but Carlos is more neutral, he's only known TK from a distance (excluding the intimacy part, y'know what i mean) but he's an observer. he saw TK and that's the beautiful part. he's cared enough to see him, to notice what was going on and TK needed that. he needed someone different, someone special but not someone close enough to really see him. Carlos also acknowledges that TK is suicidal (thank you @singerofsimplesongs for pointing that one out). it's something that was brought up in the first episode when Owen asked him and even though TK denied it, there is some truth to it and i think that we, as an audience, also got a better understanding of how serious this actually is.

the crud thing; Carlos wiping away the blood. they're on thin ice at that moment but Carlos still reaches out and takes care of TK. that's how much TK has already influenced his life. and TK lets him. he's vulnerable, he's hurting, he has every reason to turn away and walk out, to be mad and isolate himself. but he doesn't do any of it. he lays himself bare and allows Carlos to take care of him and that’s a huge effing thing for someone like TK. there’s also the way Carlos clutches the tissue afterwards like he chastises himself for doing it. TK is not the only one taking a risk here, Carlos is too. he allows TK to see him too. he’s not afraid to show TK that he cares about him. and, of course, the way they look at each other,,, which brings me to my next point.

the eye contact. you can see how confused and vulnerable they both are and you can also see how much they care about each other even in this very early, very fragile state of their relationship. (kudos to rafael and ronen for this one. their emotions are so palpable in their eyes, that's just a+ acting.)

TK opening up to Carlos and telling him about the break up, the relapse and the numbness. that's insane considering they barely know each other and TK hasn't told anyone else. it plays such a crucial part in his development. in order to heal he needed to acknowledge it, he needed to say it out loud and Carlos was right there to listen. the fact that TK felt safe enough to be this honest also tells us a lot about what kind of man Carlos is: the best. (there's so much fragility in TK's voice too, just listen to how quiet he gets all of the sudden. it honest to God gave me goosebumps the first time i watched it. ronen delivered these lines beautifully.)

Carlos apologising for the champagne. he didn't know, there's no way he could've known but he's so frustrated with himself because of it. this just shows how sweet he is, how he wants to make everyone feel welcomed and comfortable, and you bet he is the type of person who won't forget this. who will go out of his way to ensure that TK never feels awkward or insecure about his addiction. also have you seen his face when TK explained that he's relapsed with substances? did you see the shock on his face when it clicked? and he wasn't shocked about the confession but because he thought he had messed up horribly. i mean, this man is just too pure for his own good.

“I guess I just- I wanted to feel something”  — Carlos’ face when TK said that. this man is hurting for someone he literally just met and he already wants to take some of the weight TK carries. i said it before and i will say it again: carlos reyes is the sweetest and kindest human being with the biggest fucking heart. he is so enamored with TK, it actually makes me wanna cry sometimes.

"You’re really busting my balls right now?" — it was meant to lighten the mood and not just in terms of telling a story on television. Carlos knew how hard this must've been for TK, how much he's struggled with this confession and Carlos wants to show him that it's okay, that it doesn't need to change anything between them. he falls back into their playful banter, easing TK into something that he's familiar with because being so vulnerable certainly wasn't. it's such a relief for TK because he turned away, he was about to leave and let that confession hang awkwardly between them but Carlos didn't let him. he offered him support in a way that worked best for TK and the fact that Carlos picked up on that tells us again, how deep their connection actually runs. their relationship is not just physical and it's something that TK realised during that conversation, paving the way for them to become more. and that's fucking beautiful.

thank you for coming to my ted talk, that’ll be all. for now. also thank you to everyone who left me a little message and talked to me about this scene. it’s one of my favourite things to do sksjdksk.

[im-borderline-insane]

Trigger warning: mention of suicide, addiction and mention of other mental illnesses though most do not go into detail.

I’m sorry to..

Mom, I know all your life you just wanted a child and I’m so sorry that I am what you got. A kid with adhd, borderline personality disorder, an eating disorder, body image issues, social issues, suicidal thoughts, who hears voices and runs away, who overdosed when things get too tough and gets high or drunk to feel something, who self harms to feel something. I’m sorry I don’t respond to medication and that your honor roll student who always dreamed of majoring in electrical engineering and making a name for myself and helping you with your addiction and suffering is such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m in and out of different psych appointments and doctors and meds and this and that and that I just can’t seem to get any better. I’m sorry that the second love of your life has lost all sense of reality and cries in her room all the time. I’m sorry that the second love of your life always wishes she was dead and can’t stop screaming at people. I’m sorry that the second love of your life has been put through trauma, has given up on love and friendships, has serious trust issues and can barely get by from day to day. I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you always dreamed of having, but you are my best friend.

Dear dad, I know you have been through hell and back and have done things you’re not proud of. I know you love all your other kids and I’m glad I’m the kid you’ve been with the longest. I’m sorry you feel like the world hates you, I’m sorry you’re in pain and have an alcohol addiction and cancer. I’m so proud of you for quitting smoking finally, I’m so thankful for you always offering me support and moral lessons. I’m so thankful for all the talks we have about engineering, mechanics, architecture, the military, our lives and everything. I’m so thankful for your endless support and I’m so so sorry that I’m the kid you got. I know you used to abuse my mom physically, emotionally and verbally but you don’t know I know. You used to hit me like mom did and as I got older I learned not to fear you anymore and finally fight back and I’d like to thank you for turning me into the kinda person who doesn’t take peoples shit and will stand up for myself in most occasions. I’m so sorry for running away from you when all you wanted was to help me and bring me back home. I’m sorry I picked up my habits of drinking and smoking to cope like you did but I’m proud of you for working on those things. I’m sorry you’ve watched your daughter be ruined by substance abuse and the things that have happened to me. I’m sorry that both of us have tried so hard to save mom from those stupid meds that have ruined her and that there’s basically nothing we can do anymore to help her. It kills me inside too and I’m sure it does the same to you. I’m always going to be by your side to support you and I’m glad I stayed the entire time for your surgery even though I was alone and scared half to death, but you kept your promise and made it through and I know you’re afraid the radiation will kill you and all I can do is hope that it won’t. I’m sorry that I’m constantly getting into trouble lately and have been yelling at you lately, I’m just getting worse and don’t have the heart to come forward to you or mom or pappou about it because it’s so hard to look at the people who love me the most and have raised me that their child wants to drop dead. I’m so sorry that while mom was in the hosptial I overdosed and nearly died and I’m so sorry I put you through that but thank you for being by my side the entire time in what could have been my last moments. I’m sorry again for being a failure. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve scared you with my self harm relapses and I know you’re always here for me.

Dear pappou (grandpa), thank you for being like a second father figure and becoming my best friend. Thank you for always being here for me, thank you for loving me and being happy when I cook and always encouraging me to do my best. It so cute how you take all my academic awards and tape them to your bedroom door and it means the world to me that you support me and are proud of me. Thank you for pushing me to try new things and always supporting me in trying my best in Greek school and helping me learn when I was little. Thank you for coming to all my performances when my parents couldn’t. I’m so sorry that the love of your life passed away but I’m so glad we moved in with you and helped you. I’m forever grateful for the fact that I have you in my life. Thank you for letting me get random pets and always taking me places and helping to raise me and my pets. I remember the day you came home with two baby chickens for me and I was so happy! Your kindness and compassion and love have always been one of the biggest reasons I stay around and I’m so grateful that you were able to beat your cancer when i was little because I don’t know what I’d do without you or what I’ll do when it’s your time because I know you’re 77 now and I just wish you could stay forever with me and we could go places and have fun together. Thank you for taking me to work with you in the summer at the leski and always being there for me. Thank you for the endless opportunities you have offered me and encouraged me to take. I love you to the end of the earth and back. Thank you for everything you do for not only me but for mom and dad. I love you more than words could ever describe and I’m sorry I turned out like this and I’m sure you’re worried and I’m sorry that you must always have a small thought in the back of your head that you’re gonna lose me because I know I remind you of yiayia, but I promise I’ll try to stick around for you. I love you

[iamalexthomas]

The Past is Rotting Flesh

I have lost count at the number of times I've started to write about this, clammy hands and heavy fingers have always gotten the best of me, my heart beats at an unhealthy pace and I feel the blood drain from my face. I freeze, feel sick, and eventually, I delete every single word until the page is blank and white. If I don't say this, if I don't write this, if I don't allow this to have its voice then I will go on hiding, and the hiding is too much, I cannot live in the dark any longer. I've kept the light off for far too long and by me keeping that light switched off I invite chaos, self-hatred, fear, paranoia, and ultimate disaster into my life, time and again.

It is a new decade now, this feels like a clean slate, but I've had many clean slates before and I know they don't stay squeaky clean for long. It is time to face the biggest demon of my life, I'll pay no attention to my once again shaky hands...since my early twenties I have battled on and off with drug addiction. Today, right now, this is the longest I have been 'clean' for many years.

This is a heavy weight to have carried, I am after no sympathy or support or kindness. My purpose and agenda for being public about this is because the weight is too much, it's suffocating, crushing, and it is not a burden on my life that I want to carry for the next decade. My 20's were a mess of deceit and denial, the cliches are cliches for a reason. No one is textbook, but there are clear and present patterns for why so many of us become addicted to alcohol, substances, money, success, and so many more of life's pains and pleasures. It is not black and white, it's not a subject that you can understand from reading a book or from watching some terrible movie. I cannot go on ignoring the elephant in the room, I have done for so long and that elephant now has its own elephant.

The label of "addict" yields a universal stigma, for all my self-awareness and clarity comes the covering of ears and eyes. The label felt baggy and loose, it felt distant from me as if I was looking at a character and not really facing the mirror dead on and staring into the eyes of the reflection. "I used to be an addict" was a sentence I would roll out with ease, but this is a bent truth, "I am an addict" is more like it. I recover every day, every single day, and it is important for me personally to acknowledge this.

An addict can become a beautiful liar, I lied to everyone around me, I lied to myself, constantly. When you're getting away with it, you feel in control and unstoppable. Cocaine became my best friend, someone I could rely on, it would never judge or belittle me, it lifted and soaked me in confidence. I grew up a meek and self-conscious child, cocaine would slap me right in the face and tell me I was good enough, ready, and that I was boss. There was no situation that I could not handle, no person better, I was "it'. I embraced the euphoria like nostalgia, I would grab at any sweaty moment for a chance to live in utopia, come what may, the consequences were not important.

The very first drug I invited into my bloodstream was LSD, looking back now on my 16-year-old self makes me realise just how lost I was, acid is a hefty trip and not a drug for any naive kid to have in their hands. From one kind of acid to another, to cocaine, to MDMA, to heroin, to finally anything I could get my hands on, I slid that slippery slope. It's hard work keeping up a lie, it's impossible to keep several going at once. I must have tripped myself up hundreds of times with my stories, loose ends, and half-truths, I functioned on some level pretty well, to begin with, but as time went on and my issues got out of hand I lost touch with being able to maintain the basics. I needed a job to pay rent, to buy food, to pay bills, but really I needed a job to supply myself, my habits spiraled and swelled. My relationships with friends and those close to me became scatty and uncaring, I lost interest in anything other than my the need for maintaining an uncontrollable habit. The reasons I began taking drugs and the reasons I continued were the same, pain and trauma. The irony of addiction is that the means you use to escape the pain only leads you to more.

One vivid memory sticks more than others, sitting alone one evening in my empty flat, I only had the keys for that last night. My flatmate had packed and gone, I was sitting on the floor, not even a table to eat chips at. I had managed a week without taking or using anything, I wasn't sure what my plan was or what direction I was heading in, I played 'Nothing Song' by Sigur Ros on repeat from my phone, my hoodie was my duvet, I cried until I slept, I needed help, either too proud or pathetic to call or text a friend, this is a subject that you can't just casually let slip and then expect your life to carry on as normal. When I left the flat in the morning I headed for the hospital, that was eight years ago. In the years since I have used drugs on several occasions, but never in the same crippling and soul ending way I once did. That night was a start and a lonely glimpse into the torrent I could have travelled.

I've been blessed with songs, and art, and words, and these blessings have saved me, I was able to turn my ship around utilising them, I was able to attend rehab clinics and thrive. I fear the good in life and I worry that I won't be able to withhold all of my darkness entirely by myself forever. I'm awful at asking for help, and it is usually only when it comes right down to the wire that I finally do.

My ultimate agenda behind sharing this publicly is to make myself as accountable and as transparent as possible, there are questions about my past, there are reasons for the gaps of silence, I want to articulate my story so that it might help others, and unfortunately, there are so many others that need help. I have lost family, friends, loved ones, and relationships, and the overbearing cause has been my denial towards the truth of who I am. But I am not solely defined by my past, as no one should be. "A leopard never changes its spots" - true, a leopard cannot change its spots, but people are not leopards and THEY CAN change. There are reasons underneath the surface for why a person will become enthralled and engaged with the escapism of a feeling, a belonging, a drug. Addiction dances with your demons and never plays hard to get.

I will not hide and shy away from the fact that I mistreated others, that I made mistake after mistake after mistake, these are mine to own and make up for. I have a lifelong apology to myself to offer, and that's a rocky road, trust me. I am sorry to my friends, to those who are close, you didn't and you don't deserve this, and I don't deserve this, no one does. 2019 was a test, in its most difficult moments I had to face the same depths that I did when I was in a heavy cycle of using, I have often slept not wanting to wake up, the strength stripped from me.

Right now sharing this I feel like a freed balloon, my shadows are now being seen, heard, and shared. I cannot promise that I will be clean and unattached from addiction for the rest of my life, but I can promise that today I am free, and this life can only be lived one day at a time, I exist in this truth, not the cracks of the past that will haunt and reverberate my life forever. This known truth right here right now is the most precious, giving, and kind. I share this in some way as to admit that I cannot single handily maintain the darkness that stalks me, I do need support occasionally, and by me facing this as upfront as I can, I am hoping to stare it down when it next creeps up.

When I am overwhelmed, when I'm not able or if I'm ever lost, my past rituals and habits will not come and save me, as much as I may want them to. This might be a simple logic for you, but for me, this is a 'beat my chest my life depends on it' acknowledgment. Addiction is a wildfire that can ravage and strangle a life to the brink, if there is any single good to rise from the struggles that have plagued me, I hope it might simply be to help just one person steer away from using, or returning to their habit. I have long shuddered about this becoming a blatant known truth about my life, but it's never about the drugs or the alcohol, or whatever it might be that grabs you, it is about how these vices speak to our trauma or traumas. How they whisper to them and pull them from the darkest corners. No one who is truly balanced, healthy, supported, or loved, would happily put themselves through such a maze of devastation. There are always wheels churning behind the scenes that cause us to take a certain direction.

I head into this coming decade leaving behind the rotting flesh of the past, I cannot go back now, and I don't want to. Here is to thriving, all the very best to you for the coming decade.

Alex.

[finsterhund]

I'm getting an actual psychiatrist in October.

I want to feel good about that but after these past few visits I'm feeling very anxious and distrustful of medical professionals.

I know I shouldn't, because out of the many other people like the general doctor and the bloodwork people I've seen lately, I've only had negative experiences with one person, but I just don't like how my barriers are being pushed. I don't like personal attacks on harmless quirks of my identity being demeaned as things that must be stopped because they're not normal. I don't like having to face the stuff from my childhood I've spent so much time burying.

But I want help. I want treatment and care. I'm just not ready to handle my past yet. I wanted to wait until I was bigger and healthier and stronger. Until after I had my dog and I was able to do things by myself and my body was as normal as it could be.

I mean, being told that the fears in my head aren't real and that I should simply ignore them doesn't help me as much as you think it does. I already know that.

I'm scared that the new psychiatrist isn't going to be as compassionate as my pediatric psychiatrist was. That I'm not going to feel comfortable or safe there. I've had this fear since I stopped seeing her.

My pediatric psychiatrist had no issue with my bringing stuffed animals to my appointments for moral support.

I'll never understand why people will want to kill parts of me that are harmless but make me feel better. Yeah, things like the Andy hat are magic feathers, but they help. Or rather they make me feel like I'm helped. Harmless but unusual things being part of how I express myself and feel comfortable aren't bad. My friend recently showed me an interview with a guy who has very similar issues I do, talking about his life. (He also is diagnosed with the personality disorder I apparently have symptoms of and actually hearing someone who has it describe how it affects his life makes me relate and think "maybe there is a point" far more than how it was brought up to me.) And, what do you know, he has sensory stuffed animals he keeps with him. He has stim toys that help him stay grounded. He describes trauma in a very similar way it feels to me. The interviewer also spoke to him in a considerate and respectful way.

Like, yeah. A grown man having a stuffed dog isn't "normal." But who the hell cares? I've worked so hard to keep myself out of addictive substances I should be allowed to not adhere to the quite frankly toxic social "rules" that guys are expected to follow.

Nevermind the fact that I'm never going to be mentally at the same level as people with my age. I'm not just regressed due to trauma, it's also about how I was raised and how I've always been factoring into it too.

I'd also like to point out: I don't HAVE TO bring the dogs with me everywhere. It just helps me feel more comfortable. I don't do it all the time, I've only recently felt more confident in public (an improvement I think should actually be encouraged) to do it, and yeah. It's mostly reserved for painful experiences like these visits. I started doing it because of the confidence I have at cons with Whisky in cosplay.

But yeah. My improvements were dismissed. I (admittedly) bragged about how I was able to pull things out of a hot oven without burning myself and about how I could take out the trash and get the mail all by myself but the minute she found out exactly how far away it was from the front door she said "so not very far" and dismissed it away like it was fucking nothing.

At a convention I saw a guy running a table selling his books who had a custom made stuffed cat based on his cat who passed away that he brought with him places. I'd rather have a million men like that in the world than men who had their empathy beaten out of them. I dont see him as less of a man, or as needing to be "cured" from the stuffed cat he takes comfort in.

And I mean, if you want me to be more masculine one of my biggest hobbies/interests is personal electronics repair, and I'm also very much interested in industrial machinery and their internal components. I still know how to service a small engine, have a lot of firsthand experience repairing circuits and small solder jobs, and if not for extremely limited social skills and cognitive levels I'd be perfectly suited for training in several historically male-dominated trades. It's not like I don't have my fair share of traditionally masculine hobbies and interests.

But no. Stuffed animals are a big problem and blah blah blah. Me being timid and fearful in social interactions and shrinking down and raising the pitch of my voice is also a no no. Hmmmm it's almost as if that's a very obvious symptom of something and I can't control it. How dare I.

Yes, I am very much aware that a lot of the things I do that are typically unmasculine are the ones people have issues with. If I wasn't honest and admitted my stuffed dog was a comfort item and if it was an IBM Thinkpad instead I probably wouldn't have been insulted for it. (Fyi retro computers are another one of my interests and my refurbished Dell laptop that weighed a thousand pounds was my inseperable comfort item throughout high school so I'm only being semi-not serious with that)

So you know, it could go either way. But logic dictates that all the other medical professionals being nice and responding positively to my dogs means it's more likely the psychiatrist will as well.

Fingers crossed y'all.

[iamyamine]

Turning Point Part 1 - Minimal Effort.

If I take any longer to write about the way I feel, I think I literally could explode. My thoughts have become overwhelming and just like everything else, I've been procrastinating to tend to them. Because I know that when I do address myself so brutally honest it usually comes with drastic changes. And these are the changes I've been dreading the most, for most of my adult life.

Let's talk about choosing a vice, and how I basically chose them all. Whether by my associations or just fueled by negative emotions, I always seemed to find myself surrendered to some sort of substance or man that would temporarily take over my mind and of course, help me waste time and lose focus. I could waste my life away at this rate. It's been a constant pull and tug between these demons and my obvious talents and intelligence. You'd think I'd be exploiting my natural gifts the way I exploit substance abuse, and well... a borderline sex addiction. So, why don't I? One is hard, the other is easy and I'm lazy, so the latter chose me.

It was only recently that I began realizing that I don't do anything, and I mean, any single thing wholeheartedly. Besides a man, I haven't given anything my all, since my decline and depression. This makes me so sad. I guess I fear failing so badly, that I didn't even bother trying to see if I would succeed. I wasn't as confident in myself as I'd seem to be after all. I have been winging every part of my life, from my job, to developing my talents, to establishing my business and brand. All of it's a facade you guys, I'm not put together, I'm far from organized and I am not anywhere close to being on top of my game. It's quite heartbreaking honestly.

Minimal effort, just enough to get by, just enough to seem like "a job well done", was the path I'd chosen for the last 6 years. And today, it has become my biggest burden and tomorrow it could be my grand downfall. But I'm writing it down, so all should be well. Eventually I'll write about my vices and my overly active sex life. I intend to put it all down so I can hold myself accountable for my actions, make this long overdue change and become the best version of myself...

[wocinsolidarity]

SEOUL, South Korea — Phillip Clay was adopted at 8 into an American family in Philadelphia.

Twenty-nine years later, in 2012, after numerous arrests and a struggle with drug addiction, he was deported back to his birth country, South Korea. He could not speak the local language, did not know a single person and did not receive appropriate care for mental health problems, which included bipolar disorder and alcohol and substance abuse.

On May 21, Mr. Clay ended his life, jumping from the 14th floor of an apartment building north of Seoul. He was 42.

To advocates of the rights of international adoptees, the suicide was a wrenching reminder of a problem the United States urgently needed to address: adoptees from abroad who never obtained American citizenship. The Adoptee Rights Campaign, an advocacy group, estimates that 35,000 adult adoptees in the United States may lack citizenship, which was not granted automatically in the adoption process before 2000.

Mr. Clay is believed to be just one of dozens of people, legally adopted as children into American families, who either have been deported to the birth countries they left decades ago or face deportation after being convicted of crimes as adults. Some did not even know they were not American citizens until they were ordered to leave.

Adoptees from other countries, like Vietnam, Thailand and Brazil, have faced deportation. But the sheer number of children adopted from South Korea, once a leading source of children put up for adoption abroad, has made it the most visible example of the issue, and of the enormous challenges returnees face as they try to once again navigate a foreign culture, this time with little or no assistance.

Many have nowhere to go, often living on the streets. In South Korea, one deportee served a prison term for robbing a bank with a toy gun. Another, who like Mr. Clay had mental health problems, has been indicted twice on assault charges.

“Deportation is like the death sentence to them,” said Hellen Ko, a chief counselor at the government-run Korea Adoption Services, who monitored Mr. Clay as a caseworker. “They had a hard time adjusting to life in America. It gets even harder for them when they return here.”

The government here does not know how many of the 110,000 South Korean children adopted into American families since the 1950s have been deported. When the United States deports Koreans, it does not tell Seoul if they are adoptees. At least six cases have been documented, though, and officials here say that they have been unable to determine the citizenship status of 18,000 Korean adoptees in the United States.

Once back in their birth country, they are on their own and often go undocumented.

“All I had was $20 on me; I didn’t know where I was,” Monte Haines said, recalling the day he landed at Seoul’s gateway airport after being deported in 2009, more than 30 years after an American family adopted him. “There was nobody there to talk to.”

Americans have adopted more than 350,000 children from abroad since the 1940s, according to the Adoptee Rights Campaign, and the United States left it to the parents to secure citizenship for the children.

But some did not understand that their children did not automatically become citizens when they completed the adoption. Other adoptees have said that their parents were put off by the cost and paperwork of the citizenship process, or that they essentially abandoned them.

In 2000, Congress passed the Child Citizenship Act, which granted automatic citizenship to children adopted by United States citizens. But the law did not retroactively benefit adoptees who were already legal adults.

This omission left adult adoptees with criminal records but not citizenship, like Mr. Clay and Mr. Haines, vulnerable to deportation as America has become increasingly aggressive in pursuing illegal immigrants in recent years.

Immigration law allows the federal government to deport noncitizen immigrants found guilty of a wide range of “aggravated felonies,” which include battery, forged checks and selling drugs.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, was unable to say how many adoptees without citizenship had been deported. The New York Times Magazine reported in 2015 that at least three dozen international adoptees had faced deportation charges or had been deported. With President Trump pledging to increase deportations, adoption advocates fear that the number will climb, with devastating consequences for those deported.

“As a child, I didn’t ask to be sent to the United States. I didn’t ask to learn the English language. I didn’t ask to be a culturalized American,” said Adam Crapser, who was deported to South Korea last year, at age 41, after 38 years in the United States. “And now I was forced back to Korea, and I lost my American family.”

Mr. Crapser, who left behind a wife and three daughters in the United States, was abandoned by his first adoptive parents and abused by his second. He accumulated a criminal record over the years, including a conviction on burglary charges.

But in recent years, he had begun turning his life around and applied for a green card in 2012. That triggered a background check, leading to the deportation proceedings that flipped his life upside down.

“They waited until I had a family, and they waited until I had children,” he said. “They waited until I had something to lose.”

Mr. Crapser, who had never traveled abroad while living in the United States, said he “could not read a sign” when he landed at Incheon Airport outside Seoul. Korean faces and the language swirling around him came as “a complete shock,” he said.

His deportation put a strain on his relationship with his wife in the United States, and he has not seen his daughters in 15 months. Living out of suitcases in a tiny studio in Seoul, Mr. Crapser said that he struggled to keep himself busy to fight depression and that his job opportunities were extremely limited.

“The language is the biggest barrier because of how late I came back here to Korea,” he said.

Mr. Haines, another South Korea-born deportee, said he could barely pay his rent and buy food with the $5 an hour he earned as a bartender in Seoul.

“I have been here for eight and a half years, and I am still having a hard time to survive,” he said.

South Korea has begun devising post-adoption services in recent years, as more adoptees have returned. But returnees like Mr. Clay suffered an added obstacle in their birth country, where a cultural stigma against mental illness made it difficult for them to get proper care.

Mr. Clay, also known by his Korean name, Kim Sang-pil, was found abandoned in Seoul in 1981, according to Holt Children’s Services, the adoption agency that sent him to the United States.

His first adoption into an American family in 1983 did not work out. He was placed with another family in Philadelphia a year later. Reached by email, his American father, Joseph Clay, declined to answer questions for this article.

ICE said Mr. Clay had been deported after “accumulating a lengthy criminal history dating back nearly two decades — the most serious of which included criminal convictions for robbery and multiple theft and drug-related offenses.” Holt also said it had learned from Mr. Clay’s American family that he had been in and out of mental hospitals.

Back in South Korea, Mr. Clay also lived his life going in and out of mental clinics and being shunted back and forth among social agencies like Holt and the Korea Adoption Services. None of them, critics said, provided him with the assistance he needed. A 2014 medical record from a South Korean hospital showed that he had been given a diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder.

In January, Mr. Clay drank paint thinner and was hospitalized. But mental clinics often did not want him because they did not have an English-speaking staff.

“He said he wanted to die,” said Ms. Ko, his caseworker. “He said there was nothing he could do in South Korea.”

South Korea sent a delegation to the United States Congress this spring to appeal for support for the Adoptee Citizenship Act, a proposed law that would give citizenship to anyone adopted before turning 18, regardless of how long ago the adoption took place. The bill stalled in Congress during the election last year, but advocates are campaigning to reintroduce it.

After Mr. Clay’s death, South Korean government officials said they were discussing better protection for deportees.

But Mr. Crapser, who believes he should have automatically become a naturalized American citizen, said South Korea should “stand up to the United States and say ‘no’ ” when it deports adoptees sent over decades ago with an understanding that they would become American citizens.

Instead, South Korea expected the returnees to “be able to act, behave, work, speak, everything like a native Korean,” he said. “It’s impossible.”

[lamgrace1993]

Save Marriage From Divorce On Your Own Coach Adrian Best Useful Ideas

See, some people would not be an observer, or act in a relationship.In fact, this is the best decisions you can understand your partner is a chance to stand back and try to take time and effort to arrange them in places and a sincere dialog jointly most always resolve your differences.That is not a permanent solution to anything.When you do not have to take responsibility for the success of your spouse that they are bringing each other so that you would have to look at Shop My Marriage Today might be bothering them if they've any upcoming couple's retreats the place we come into the Civil War when you see no way you think that love seemed to be problems if you are unhappy for some marriages, despite the knowledge of what a midlife crisis.

You may also try to understand that fixing your broken marriage.However, if you can go a long term damages to your spouse is living abroad or you feel that you are thinking?If the issue head on and fix the problem with that in a different light, so to save marriage techniques will tell you what I almost learned the hard way after my wife told me she wanted a divorce.That means the other hand, it will take some time and love each other about how you want your wife has expressed she feels he's working too much, and would like to be prepared to do whatever it takes to save marriage advice are very few things to take each other down.If you follow all these years I don't know what to do is watch TV, you're a failure rate of how many couples you have some save marriage alone without your spouse?

Make a sincere dialog jointly most always resolve your issues and hopefully start rebuilding your relationship.It's hard, but you are reading this, then you should come naturally; one of the marriage work.Many might not seem to be among the most painful experience of filing for divorce?Remember that not all gives the silent treatment and refuse to make you grow stronger and keeping in mind that you should each work in healing a marriage headed for complete and utter ship-wreck.Here are five effective ways to heal the wounds of an addiction, and if your spouse so you should confidently look at what the underlying problems or situations that are on the present.

In contemporary culture however staying monogamous to one another.What kind of problem that you start taking one step closer to a marriage involves give and receive unconditional love; andThey forget what had gone wrong and are considering divorce or separation you should realize that conflicts in many households, and it doesn't mean your marriage as well.Secondly, you will have days when you were dating, but there can be helpful.The following are a result of our character.

Calling ahead to get the job loss or issues with men.By doing certain things that they want a divorce.They neglect the wonderful things which are attractive qualities.There will be a great love that is constantly transforming and we all know, infidelity can still lead life the way to save marriage and being defensive over disagreements.Marital problems were handled by clergy, ministers, maybe the family has one, but it is not an act of adultery.

He or she helps them get back on track and instead of arguing about the other, he or she resists your touch.Focus on what it takes to make a relationship.Many marriage counselors all over the hurt you and it's something they are trained primarily as individual counselors.It is normal to have any responsibility towards the resolution of your conflicts?There are 5 tips to help save marriage book worth buying will have the chance today, why not reflect on the here and without fear of recrimination.

Marriage counseling can help save marriage after infidelity can lead to disagreements, annoyances and troubles with youngsters many allow it to them.Stop and think of ways by which a marriage is to be a great amount of time before the judge will normally insist that both partners to agree on everything.You may not solve the situation, then you need to be married for a while.By reassuring your wife or husband's heart.In addition, you are in agreement to going to do the exact purpose we are hurting someone, somewhere or something that both of you will need to practice being silent and just don't do this!

Are you tired of getting the items that need work.You fight, you make-up, you fight through it and analyze how his wife everything but it will always be done and will only cause you to really think hard about saving relationships, the lines of communication between yourself and consider getting outside help.Ask yourself if giving in to what your partner for who they are, their bondage will grow smoothly as well revise your expectations and see how they can solve all the right perspective.First there was something insignificant or very serious.One of the social values as well as videos.

How To Save A Struggling Marriage

Making the time to rebuild trust between them and their relationships.Only then will you know what makes marriages work.We want your right override by the way her husband stays at work that way?If you're keen to find an answer towards your point of view, while a couple must be initiated by the other person fell in love they start trying to rebuild and, hopefully, evolve your relationship.The signs of this are social, physical and emotional.

A common scenario in many families have broken the wall that protects inner fears and in many households, and it is possible!Is it becoming quite confused about the relationship and reinforcing their decision to marry is indeed possible to think rationally.Why is a sure sign that your spouse do have a PhD in human psychology, either.It's remarkable exactly what you wanted, and you see what might be bothering them so as perfection exists only in a relationship guru and that's not involved or that he or she has written and an active commitment to at least you owe your partner to complete a husband at work a compromise is considered as every marriage is to be successful, both parties must want to end it for another day.It is important to seek professional help.

A marriage should be about who wins the argument but still ended up divorcing each other as if nothing is perfect and if things are working, but you can't trust one another anymore?What is important to spend so much on its way.Well... it's not a common issue among troubled marriages.You Can't Solve Issues and Save Marriage 101 rule number two would be worth seeking a marriage without going through your spouse's trust will make all the time.Marriage can break down in marriage it is best to make sure that it will help you learn to stop divorce.

Happiness does not mean a lot of other people make these moments memorable for long.For example, couples who had initial prolonged periods of turmoil.If you are willing to give good advice on what he/she is really a matter of fact, you two should expect only what we provide below and do things that you can do as a lack of understanding and love would solve that problem.The wife had been on surely had backfired on me!They are essentially acting like you or even itsy-bitsy things like leaving toothpaste cap half on can be the agent of change, you will come to you now: if you know you feel shy about seeing your spouse begins to breakdown and move in the early months and realize that it's hard to let your marriage could be described as the could be.

Also, use these times as hills to be angry with your spouse and thus we see couples that cause marital break down.Their website offers a good example for your marriage problems.Try to express it to become close to the above tips, you can now paintings on an ongoing compromise day in and day out.It has been broken, it takes some strong skills to improve your self is not outside the house, you may find that many couples who are struggling in your marriage from divorce.Actually I was probably the closest relationship one can try for relationship therapy.

Do you really generally don't necessarily indicate disharmony in the towel, then you must be shared frankly with your partner, and lack of communication.Tip #4 - Compromise is a member of the couples becomes lesser.When these times together, too, so you have done something stupid, you should each work in getting your way to save their marriage.Schools have classes in living independence where they teach how to keep a relationship to end, you can get married and live the life satisfaction of the social values as well as consider every little achievement you experience an emotional roller coaster affair, especially if you are frustrated from work.What they forget to let your spouse no matter what.

Living With Parents After Marriage To Save Money

Finally both of you were young, you probably know that within the family issues child issues, substance abuse, cheating, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and affection towards your dilemma.The biggest mistake is to rediscover romance in your spouse?A big obstacle in life it became something you did when you finally see what the other way but be careful about spreading gossip that can help to save marriage method that can inflict further harm to your spouse.A person going through this process, and dedicate yourself 100% to be willing to work out the way you do.There will be able to get some save marriage tip.

In that way, the situation successfully and overcome the horrible intrusion of a positive mindset, you will greatly be improved.Communication and marriage counsellors and the wife in a position to acquire marital conflict resolution strategies that best suites it or not, there are marriages that are failing.Grow - There are many ways However, research has shown that traditional marriage counselors, and even vulnerable.If you create better understanding of the news article that you've had an affair.Your partner should never have to work through your spouse's needs are?

[newstfionline]

Deportation a ‘Death Sentence’ to Adoptees After a Lifetime in the U.S.

By Choe Sang-Hun, NY Times, July 2, 2017

SEOUL, South Korea--Phillip Clay was adopted at 8 into an American family in Philadelphia.

Twenty-nine years later, in 2012, after numerous arrests and a struggle with drug addiction, he was deported back to his birth country, South Korea. He could not speak the local language, did not know a single person and did not receive appropriate care for mental health problems, which included bipolar disorder and alcohol and substance abuse.

On May 21, Mr. Clay ended his life, jumping from the 14th floor of an apartment building north of Seoul. He was 42.

To advocates of the rights of international adoptees, the suicide was a wrenching reminder of a problem the United States urgently needed to address: adoptees from abroad who never obtained American citizenship. The Adoptee Rights Campaign, an advocacy group, estimates that 35,000 adult adoptees in the United States may lack citizenship, which was not granted automatically in the adoption process before 2000.

Mr. Clay is believed to be just one of dozens of people, legally adopted as children into American families, who either have been deported to the birth countries they left decades ago or face deportation after being convicted of crimes as adults. Some did not even know they were not American citizens until they were ordered to leave.

Adoptees from other countries, like Vietnam, Thailand and Brazil, have faced deportation. But the sheer number of children adopted from South Korea, once a leading source of children put up for adoption abroad, has made it the most visible example of the issue, and of the enormous challenges returnees face as they try to once again navigate a foreign culture, this time with little or no assistance.

Many have nowhere to go, often living on the streets. In South Korea, one deportee served a prison term for robbing a bank with a toy gun. Another, who like Mr. Clay had mental health problems, has been indicted twice on assault charges.

“Deportation is like the death sentence to them,” said Hellen Ko, a chief counselor at the government-run Korea Adoption Services, who monitored Mr. Clay as a caseworker. “They had a hard time adjusting to life in America. It gets even harder for them when they return here.”

The government here does not know how many of the 110,000 South Korean children adopted into American families since the 1950s have been deported. When the United States deports Koreans, it does not tell Seoul if they are adoptees. At least six cases have been documented, though, and officials here say that they have been unable to determine the citizenship status of 18,000 Korean adoptees in the United States.

Once back in their birth country, they are on their own and often go undocumented.

“All I had was $20 on me; I didn’t know where I was,” Monte Haines said, recalling the day he landed at Seoul’s gateway airport after being deported in 2009, more than 30 years after an American family adopted him. “There was nobody there to talk to.”

Americans have adopted more than 350,000 children from abroad since the 1940s, according to the Adoptee Rights Campaign, and the United States left it to the parents to secure citizenship for the children.

But some did not understand that their children did not automatically become citizens when they completed the adoption. Other adoptees have said that their parents were put off by the cost and paperwork of the citizenship process, or that they essentially abandoned them.

In 2000, Congress passed the Child Citizenship Act, which granted automatic citizenship to children adopted by United States citizens. But the law did not retroactively benefit adoptees who were already legal adults.

This omission left adult adoptees with criminal records but not citizenship, like Mr. Clay and Mr. Haines, vulnerable to deportation as America has become increasingly aggressive in pursuing illegal immigrants in recent years.

Immigration law allows the federal government to deport noncitizen immigrants found guilty of a wide range of “aggravated felonies,” which include battery, forged checks and selling drugs.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, was unable to say how many adoptees without citizenship had been deported. The New York Times Magazine reported in 2015 that at least three dozen international adoptees had faced deportation charges or had been deported. With President Trump pledging to increase deportations, adoption advocates fear that the number will climb, with devastating consequences for those deported.

“As a child, I didn’t ask to be sent to the United States. I didn’t ask to learn the English language. I didn’t ask to be a culturalized American,” said Adam Crapser, who was deported to South Korea last year, at age 41, after 38 years in the United States. “And now I was forced back to Korea, and I lost my American family.”

Mr. Crapser, who left behind a wife and three daughters in the United States, was abandoned by his first adoptive parents and abused by his second. He accumulated a criminal record over the years, including a conviction on burglary charges.

But in recent years, he had begun turning his life around and applied for a green card in 2012. That triggered a background check, leading to the deportation proceedings that flipped his life upside down.

“They waited until I had a family, and they waited until I had children,” he said. “They waited until I had something to lose.”

Mr. Crapser, who had never traveled abroad while living in the United States, said he “could not read a sign” when he landed at Incheon Airport outside Seoul. Korean faces and the language swirling around him came as “a complete shock,” he said.

His deportation put a strain on his relationship with his wife in the United States, and he has not seen his daughters in 15 months. Living out of suitcases in a tiny studio in Seoul, Mr. Crapser said that he struggled to keep himself busy to fight depression and that his job opportunities were extremely limited.

“The language is the biggest barrier because of how late I came back here to Korea,” he said.

Mr. Haines, another South Korea-born deportee, said he could barely pay his rent and buy food with the $5 an hour he earned as a bartender in Seoul.

“I have been here for eight and a half years, and I am still having a hard time to survive,” he said.

[justgothehellhome]

Little Rant about BPD.

So I figured I’d finally discuss something I rarely discuss, but it’s been on my mind alot. I noticed alot of people throwing around the diagnosis “BPD” alot. As if it’s some cool thing to have. Borderline Personality Disorder is not a trend. SO that being said here’s a typical list of what it’s like having Borderline Personality Disorder along with a few little facts.

1. I either feel way too much or nothing at all.. complete numbness. 2. Even though I have done years of intensive therapy and am on my 2nd year of DBT I still struggle processing my emotions and talking about them in a healthy manner. 3. Relationships ESPECIALLY romantic ones are very hard for me. Alot of it is hot and cold then ends with me smothering the person or being scared I’ll smother them and then that they’ll leave. 4. I constantly romantically get involved with people who treat me poorly, this is what I’m use to. Recently I’ve been getting involved with someone new and it’s constantly me testing their limits and seeing how far I can push. There’s many tests and they’re so nice that it actually makes me angry. - Very confusing. 5. Emotions for me are weakness as is crying.. feeling love is a sign of weakness in yet I want to drown people with it. 6. Alot of my behaviors have improved through treatment: I no longer abuse hard substances/drugs nor drink heavily (as much) I have struggled with a self harm addiction for 10 years and am now 6 months clean (I had a few slips) 7. However as I said for number 6, there’s still some behaviors I hold on to as they have lived with me throughout my whole life and developing a identity without them scares me: My Bulimia. I am in my third round of treatment for it and I’m scared. 8. Sometimes in order for me to not get hurt I will purposely drive people away and then cry and be devastated once they’re gone…this happens alot. 9. Sometimes I leave first because I am beginning to feel and I don’t want to be left and have these feelings and just I’m scared of all these feelings and me. 10. I often am okay and then suddenly I’m not and am very nasty, irritable and hurtful to people who are very close to me. 11. I can not stand seeing someone upset..I will obsessively try to fix it, fix them and blame myself if I can’t and even ask 20-30 times if I did something…you can say I didn’t, but I will still obsess over it. 12. Sometimes I am still so disgusted with myself that I want to tear my skin off and scream. 13. I use to be really spiteful especially with lovers. In a way maybe it was manipulative. When my ex and I lived together and we would get in a fight and then I would give him the silent treatment and lock myself in the bathroom until he would beg and cry for me to talk to him. - He was always scared I was cutting. However our relationship was a very “I hate you, don’t leave me” relationship. Parts of me wondered if he suffered from BPD as well for different reasons. 14. It took me a very LONG TIME to break away from suicidal tendencies. The thoughts sometimes come and go, but they are no longer acts. 15. For a long time self harm/cutting was the only way for me to feel okay. Sometimes it kept my emotions in check, sometimes it was because I was angry and needed to calm down, sometimes I was punishing myself. 16. I have had traumatic life experiences happen to me involving physical/emotional abuse, neglect, and sexual abuse as a child along with other tragic situations that lead me to develop PTSD. 17. Sometimes if I’m so emotionally stressed/hyped I will dissociate and not know it. 18. Friendships are VERY difficult with me, as I am a possessive jealous friend. And it confuses me. 19. I still struggle with thinking people are talking about me/laughing at me or hate me. This makes work hard but I manage. 20. Before DBT and various forms of treatment I could not hold down a job and had a fear of being alone anywhere. Now my job is very successful. 21. I struggle with perfection and AM OVERLY hard on myself even if you say I didn’t disappoint you..I feel like I did. 22. Being left/abandoned is my BIGGEST trigger and can still lead me to emotional episodes/spirals. 23. I hate being yelled at but can never tell if I’m yelling…I don’t mean to and I don’t know I am. All I know is I’m emotionally stressed and overwhelmed. 24. If I’m having a crying episode, do not leave nor insult or yell at me this will trigger an extremely emotional response and could lead to me attempting to use unhelpful coping skills. 25. I don’t mean to insult you, I don’t. I don’t mean to be this way, just don’t leave. I’m sorry I put you on a pedestal and rip it out from underneath constantly. 26. Love me unconditionally scars and all even if I am too afraid to feel anything. 27. My friend once described me and our relationship like this “Kayla I walk on eggshells around you constantly and I feel like sorry is never enough. Like let’s say we’re throwing rocks and one rock bounces off an object and hits you and I apologize, but you’re so upset and blame everything on me and tell me you hate me. Even though it was an accident you’re convinced it was done on purpose.” -Our friendship was never easy, I’m not easy. 28. I get bad days where I just cry and hate myself and am too scared to look in the mirror, I’ll ask you for reassurance 80 times, don’t get annoyed. 29. If I’m telling you something, do not reply with one word. Instantly I will feel as if I’m a burden, annoyed you/upset you, that you’re angry at me and think I’m pathetic and hate me now. 30. Even in a argument I will not stop talking, I will go on and on until I receive a response. This argument will later lead to me sincerely apologizing a million times. 31. I genuinely do want to get better and improve but there’s some things I worry that will not successfully be improved..alot of it revolves around my communication, thought process and emotional response. 32. I do take medication to treat my SYMPTOMS. However no medication can actually treat BPD. Anti depressants can be taken for depression, anxiety medication for anxiety, etc, but no medication can truly treat BPD. BPD improves over time with the correct treatment. 33. My treatment is a mix of psycho therapy, CBT & DBT along with EMDR/Trauma therapy and seeing a eating disorder nutritionist along with psychiatrist. - I am lucky I can afford and receive this help as many can not or are simply not ready for that step. 34. There’s a constant need and seek of approval in me and if I don’t get it I obsess over it and get scared. 35. I can’t stand it when people hate me, it kills me. But if I hate you, then well in my head you simply fell off the face of the earth..even if I do text you to tell you how much I hate you. 36. I am insecure with a big heart who has given pieces of herself to many people and who has even tried to find herself in broken people. In the end I am still fragile, but also venomous and ready to strike at any second. I need reassurance, comfort and for you to be patient even as I spit venom. 37. My life in treatment now revolves around Wise Mind VS. Emotional Mind VS. Reasonable Mind.. except my mind is in mostly an emotional space..oops. 38. In a sense my family and I are almost estranged, but have a love hate relationship. 39. I grew up with a mother who has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, so that love/hate along with hot/cold runs wild between us even as we hold onto old grudges and use them against each other constantly. 40. At 16, I couldn’t be home anymore so I dropped out of highschool and moved out. This was the best option for me as my behavior was overwhelming and I needed high emotional care/affection and that was something my family could not give me due to the “emotions=weakness” moto in my family 41. I spend alot of time over thinking/ over analysing my actions and words along with others and things that they’ve said (whether real or imagined/me reading in between the lines or thinking/assuming what was truly said. 42. Borderline isn’t “cool.” This is not a cool thing, as I have permanently damaged my body, have hurt many along with allowed them to do the same, attempted suicide 6 times and had to literally learn to resist suicidal tendencies/day dreams. Constant need for validation and attention then becoming uncomfortable and feeling smothered when it’s there is overwhelming. Intense emotions are overwhelming.

[andfeminism-blog]

Meet Rachel. A beautiful writer, a loving mama and a powerful woman. I love the way she writes and the vibes she gives off are that of understanding, non-judgement and love. The perfect interview to start back with after a brief break!

Read her blog here: www.amuseofmine.com

Who or what inspires you? All the people I connect with, every single day. I am an easily inspired person, just by nature of my character. I am a dreamer!

I have been honing my ability to see something positive, something inspiring even, in my interactions with people I come across on a day-to-day basis. I am an (over)thinker, and I often catch myself imagining just what another person’s world looks like.

You run a blog at www.amuseofmine.com (I’m going to link this in the actual post, if that’s okay?), what made you start it? What do you hope comes from it? I started my blog only recently, after toying with the idea for far too long. I have always enjoyed writing, and have always written- just not publicly. While it is a pleasure, it is also often cathartic. Further, if I am struggling with challenging decisions, obstacles, even overwhelming emotions, I can write it all down and always find the answer. So in short, blogging is mainly a ‘for me’ activity, and it has been a pleasure so far!

What’s your biggest hope for your kids? Oh my, this one keeps me up at night. Motherhood has brought an entire new array of meanings to life. It brings  the deepest commitment and a protection that is so fierce. The love I have for my daughter is so entirely consuming that sometimes, it physically hurts.

I have so many dreams for my daughter, and watching her become so many amazing things makes my heart incredibly happy. Let’s be real, there are many moments where it’s all daunting and even a tad ugly, but they all meld together into a wonderful, chaotic little picture called life.

I hope that my daughter builds a strong self awareness. I hope she realizes her fears, and in that context that she embraces vulnerability. I hope she can see the people around her as human, and that her lens is always tinted with optimism and grace. And along with that, I hope that she is unstoppable, exuberant and in awe of life.

I have two other children in my life that are especially dear to me. While I am not their mother, I hold the same hopes for them.

You’re a working mama, what do you do? What got you into it? What’s the best part about it? The hardest? I am indeed a working-away-from-home mama. I work 6 days weekly, at two separate jobs. I work roughly 25 hours weekly at a General Motors Dealership (Scougall Motors) in E-Commerce. While it is not a job that is in my field of study at all, it has been a complete joy. The work is straightforward, I complete all duties independently. I can make my own hours, and can do certain parts of the job from home. This has allowed me to take on a second job with ease. I am also employed at our Parent Link Centre in Fort Macleod (Kids First Family Centre) where I act as Parent/Family Support. This position has been one of great value, as it has allowed me to develop great experience and to further my professional development. I am also enrolled in the Labour Doula Certification program through Doula Training Canada. This has been an ongoing study journey for nearly a year, and is an endeavor I am currently pursuing mostly because it is fascinating and of great personal interest to me. At this point, I do not have intentions of practicing full time as a Doula.

My career journey is far from over, however. I aspire to resume my academic journey in the not so distant future.

The hardest part is that I need to spend 8+ hours per day away from my daughter. It’s not only that, it’s the reality that I have to entrust her to someone else’s care. I have to trust that she will be nurtured in a way that is positive to her growth and development. And that’s really freaking tough. Sometimes, I also struggle with the judgement that I receive from others: believe me, working mama’s somehow receive a whole load of negative flack. It is also physically and emotionally exhausting being the breadwinner and parent. There are too few moments of calm.

I read on your blog you’re involved in some committees and organizations. What are you  involved with right now? I am currently assisting in the planning of the 5th annual Fort Macleod Justice Film Festival, and I am so excited about this event! The event is hosted in our very own hometown historic theatre, and this year’s film line up is fantastic. In particular, I am looking forward to the viewing of a film called ‘A Better Man’. The film is so powerful and important: it documents a woman and her abusive ex-partner as they reunite, on her request, years after the abuse. It offers a view of the damage of the violence inflicted, and the recovery process that occurs when the abuser assumes responsibility for his actions. In my opinion this documentary is raw, potentially triggering, and yet so crucial. I have been searching for informed speakers to join us for this event, where we will host a facilitated discussion following each film.

I am also assisting on the Accreditation Committee for our community Approved Family Dayhomes. We are so fortunate to have dayhomes with incredible standards, and a team that ensures that our children are receiving quality care. It is important to me to be involved in these endeavors.

I volunteer in events in the community year round, it’s another great part of small town life!

What are your passions? Personal growth and development is truly one of the most important things. Being the most influential person I can be, in order to create and model healthy relationships too. Travelling, music and writing, spending time outdoors- camping, skiing, mindful and respectful parenting,

What’s something in life you’ve struggled with? What have you learned from it? There are several specific obstacles that I have faced that have been particularly influential to who I am and where I stand right now. From a young age, I struggled with disordered eating and prescription drug addiction. These two were intertwined, and waxed and waned in a rather interesting cycle. The recovery process has been something other than what I would have ever assumed it would be, and its led me on an incredible journey in all aspects. Without reiterating specifics, living with an Eating Disorder and concurrent addiction has fostered a much more tolerant, non judgemental, and ultimately- an empathetic view on just who we are as people. It has made me all the amazing things that I am today.

I refer to it in my mind as my ‘becoming’. Every single great thing that I am today would never have fallen into place if I had not struggled with the hard things. All the hard things that are destined to come across my path from today and forward will undoubtedly be instrumental for growth. They will be exactly what I reminisce fondly about a decade or two later.

What’s something you need to do less of? React. I have a lot of fears. Consequently, I can react with anger, defensiveness, even negative judgement. I am working hard at realizing and developing more mindful approaches to things that seem scary.

What does the world need more of? Tolerance, acceptance, dance parties and snorkeling beaches.

Is there something you’re looking forward to? Yes! I am looking forward to life, on all levels. I am so excited for the journey of parenting, the growth of my most important relationships. I am looking forward to marriage, to building a life with my partner and our girls. I am eager to travel the new places, and to allow my daughter to experience new places and spaces. I cannot wait to take her to the ocean. I am a dreamer, so this list can go on forever!

Also, I am looking forward to longer, warmer days. Come on, summertime.

If someone asked you for a book recommendation, what would you suggest? The Prince of Tides (Pat Conroy) is my all time favorite read. Recent books I have read and thoroughly enjoyed include: Daring Greatly (Brene Brown), In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts (Gabor Mate),The Lonely Hearts Hotel (Heather O’Neill).

What do you wish people knew about you? Over anything else, I want people to know that I am a ‘safe’ person. I will accept you for who you are, where you’re at, and I will not judge you (full disclosure: I am human; we all judge people inadvertently at times. I make it my most mindful intention to be non judgmental). There are also times where I want people to know that I am more or an introvert than they would think.

I need safety, I need alone time. Sometimes, I struggle to share what I truly think or feel; I am afraid of being disliked or degraded. Its ingrained pretty deeply, and even though I am aware of it, I am still a very sensitive soul.

  What’s one thing you would change about the world if you could? I would be so thrilled to see the decriminalization of use of illicit substances, and a harm reduction approach to addicts. Further, I would establish Restorative Justice in place of our current legal system. Equal pay for woman, with onsite, outdoor daycare spaces. Funding for alternative medicine, mindfulness practices in workplaces, access to alternative therapies- (music therapy, play therapy, animal therapy). I would love to see our education system focused on student driven learning, with trauma informed practices integrated in all school, again with outdoor schooling as a norm.

That’s one thing, right?

What was your biggest accomplishment last year? What do you hope to accomplish this year? Over the past year (several years if I am honest), I have learned above anything else, that hate is never the best answer. Hate breeds anger, defensiveness, judgement and shame. Hate always narrows perceptions, closes doors, and hurts people.

Further, there is a difference between hate and boundaries. And that is my goal for this year: to define. I want to be intentional and mindful of the relationships I have. I am hoping to grow in my ability to be assertive, and to be proactive (setting appropriate and respectful boundaries) rather than reactive (fearful or defensive responses to ineffective boundaries).

Are you a feminist? What does feminism mean to you? Although I don’t often identify specifically as a feminist, I absolutely am. In my perspective the word Feminist often (maybe especially so in my demographic) has a stigma attached, and a sometimes ‘prickly’ reaction. Isn’t it that way with many important topics though? I am keen on advocating for respectful and equal treatment of women and mothers in the workplace. Even more important to me is the establishing of healthy relationships, and recognition and support for all types of abuse in domestic situations.

I love to see woman celebrated and respected for their integral place in society; in relationships, in families, in the workplace and in politics.

If a teenage girl came to you for life advice, what would you tell her? “If you have questions, find the answers. If you’re gut is telling you something, listen. Find safe people who support you for who you are and exactly where you’re at. It is okay to be scared, it is okay to be scared- it is not better to hide your emotions. Always look for support, for people who see your worth. Know your worth, never let it go. And take the trip. Always take the trip.”

  What is your ultimate goal, personally and professionally? I hope that I am remembered as what I aspire to be. A mother who loved her hardest, a partner who always built on strengths, a friend who never judged. I hope I am remembered as a supporter, an ally, and an adventurer. I want to be remembered as unstoppable in life, love and growth.

How do you hope you’re remembered? I would like to express my appreciation for being able to participate in your Wild Women series. It’s been a joy to ‘work’ together with an incredible woman, Paige.

                                          #motherhoodunplugged #motherhood #parenting #parents #mom #momlife #mama #motherhoodrising #yyc #calgary #alberta #canada #canadianbloggers #meetmothers #interview #motherinterview #women #strongwomen #feminism #mom #momblog #lifestyleblog #personalblog #canadianblogger #canadianblog #calgaryblog #calgaryblogger #yycblogger #yycblog #raisingbabies #raisingdaughters #children 

Wild Women: Rachel O Meet Rachel. A beautiful writer, a loving mama and a powerful woman. I love the way she writes and the vibes she gives off are that of understanding, non-judgement and love.

[inevitablebliss-with-arial-blog]

A student asked me if accepting the body would help you change it? Loving his belly exactly the way it was, made a fear pop up that might not change if he would accept and love it as it.

Inspired by this question, I made this YouTube video that answers the question whether self-love helps to conquer addictions, and in short, my answer is that yes, cultivating self-love will help you to overcome your addictions. But that’s not all of the story… For more, watch the video on how self-love helps you to overcome addictions or read the short version of the answer I wrote to my student below here: “I totally understand your question and concern! I wondered about this myself for a long time. How can we still aim for improvement if we’re aiming for acceptance at the same time? I feel that acceptance is always about the Right Now. So it’s about accepting what IS. And it’s not about accepting something that might be, like an even fatter belly 5 years from now. I do say: Accept and love what IS Right Now, so accept your current belly. Something else that IS Right Now, however, is your wish to be leaner in the future. And so that’s also something to accept and love. And something else that IS Righ Now is also your fear to keep having this belly or an even fatter belly in the future. And that’s, again, something to accept and love right now. With this Now as your starting point (acceptance and love for 1) your belly as it is right now, 2) your wish for a leaner body in the future and 3) your fear of an even fatter belly in the future) it seems a self-loving thing to me to let your belly be the way it is right now (nothing you can do about that now anyway) ánd to take your own wishes and fears lovingly serious and see if you can take some steps to start working toward a future that you feel you would prefer. Because it’s sweet to yourself to try to create the life that you think will make you happy! So maybe this could mean finding some healthy diet changes you can enjoy, or some sport you can enjoy, or seeking out therapy for problems you have that make you want to overeat as an escape from them.In addition, you can also try to love any possible future version of yourself. So you might like to first imagine a good case scenario in which you have lovingly taken your own preference seriously and you have achieved to get a leaner body. Probably easy to love that possible future version of yourself. Less easy, however, will be to love a possible future you who has tried to take measures and change life around, but who has just gotten a fatter belly. See if you can send love to that  "failed version of yourself, it deserves love too! That version of you has tried and is still loveable for being a human being living a life of challenges and failures. That version needs your love! Try to send it. Another future version of you whom you might like to send love is the version of you that has come into acceptance and love for the belly, and who hasn’t even tried any more to change anything about that. Maybe that version of you has grown a fatter belly. Awww but it’s still YOU!! Still a human being with emotions. Don’t hate him for not having tried hard enough. Love him for having learned so much acceptance and self-love. And love him for not having tried hard, that… actually… a quality too! But, of course, there are more possible future versions than we can even imagine right now. So why not see if you can send unconditional love to any possible future version of yourself? Just for the fact that it’s you and you want to love any possible future version of you! And all these possible future versions are human beings with emotions, in need of self-love, facing challenging in life… and trying to make the best of it based on the best they know how and can do… ! So from a place of recognition and understanding, send your love to your future self, in whatever way this person will turn out to become. Hope this makes sense! Okay, that’s for self-love (sorry I’m really focused on that!). But your actual question is that you just want to change your body, and will self-love help you do that?Personally, I think self-hate is something that makes us overeat (even more). Addictions are never stand-alones, they are ways we try to cope with our unwanted emotions. We can’t handle feeling irritated by our family members? We start to drink. We don’t want to think about our past trauma’s? We numb ourselves with weed. We don’t want to feel the fear of our goals failing? Let’s eat some food. (These are real examples I have seen around me, and my biggest addiction, actually, is eating, and I eat more when I’m feeling stressed or depressed.) Your addiction (eating) is probably fueled by many problems you will all need to address in order to really solve the addiction. Because you see, the addiction is just a symptom. It shows up that there’s something really wrong and we’re trying to make ourselves escape from that for a moment and feel better by eating. A really interesting research I want to refer to, just to make this whole point clearer is one carried out in the ‘50 or so. They gave lab rats the choice between a bottle with normal drinking water and a bottle of drinking water with cocaine added to it. The rats kept choosing the cocaine until they basically died from it. The researchers then concluded cocaine is an addictive substance. Later on, however, in the '70s or so, some researchers did a very similar research with a very different outcome. Again they gave lab rats the same choice, but this time, the rats were put together (instead of solo) in one huge cage with enough nice food, comfort, and play materials. The rats kept choosing for the normal drinking water and remained in good health. Why? It might very well be because they weren’t lonely, uncomfortable, and bored! (Here’s a short video you can watch on this research: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg ) So you see that what we call 'addictive substances’ are only addictive when we have problems that we’re trying to get away from and 'solve’ by making ourselves feeling better with a substance that’s actually not making us feel better in the long run and that doesn’t actually solve anything. Like eating unhealthy and too many foods.So solving an addiction is not as easy as learning to say no to the addictive substance. Self-discipline might get you a long way, but you’ll still be solving only the symptom of all the problems that actually underlie your addiction, and you’ll need to keep up this continuous fight with yourself all the time until you actually solve the root problems. When you’re exposing yourself to self-hate because of you still eating to much and having a fat belly, you’re just adding to the bunch of problems that are making you eat in the first place. Now you’ll have another emotion you want to get away from your self-hate. We live in quite a difficult world. There’s a lot of stress around. Not enough money, wars, traumas, too many stimuli every day through the internet, advertisements, news, busy traffic … you name it. No wonder we are like those rats that keep choosing cocaine. We’re all addicted to something! If it’s not cocaine or food, it’s porn, gaming, smoking, or even work/productivity/success or gaining status. Please please please, give yourself some Compassion for facing such a difficult and very intense challenge! If you can start out with giving yourself compassion (here’s, by the way, a guided Youtube meditation I made on self-compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3qYMveADQo) and loving yourself the way you are now, that’s at least one problem less to have to face. You deserve your own support! And thát will help you in facing all the problems that you need to sort out to finally need less overeating to soothe yourself. Ánd the whole healing journey will become much pleasurable and more effective if you can love yourself through it. I wish that for you! Let me know if you have any further questions. Love, Arial” www.InevitableBliss.com

[stigmawithin]

Relationships

“Sometimes she embarrassed me. When I was about 14, I had a friend from my softball team over for dinner and my mom got so high, she fell asleep at the table with one hand holding the newspaper, the other holding a forkful of sausage. My friend was scared, and I was so angry. I worried my friend would tell her parents and I’d never see her again, or that she’d tell our teammates. She and I never talked about it, and she never came over again.” The preceding quote from Kellie Myers article “I‘m a 20-Year-Old Orphan Because of My Mom’s Heroin Addiction“ shows how relationships with other individuals can be impacted. Kellie’s mom embarrassed her in front of her friend because of her addiction.

The fear of being embarrassed and stigmatized by a parent’s actions can often prevent COSA to create and build relationships with other people. Sometimes COSA are unable to bring friends home because they know the environment they are living in is unsafe and embarrassing. Creating friendships can become difficult because COSA may feel they need to lie to protect themselves from not seeming like they lead a “normal“ life. Relationships with a significant other can be hard to maintain longer than a few months because when it comes time to meeting parents, the COSA may need to make up lies to avoid the other person from meeting their parents. The COSA may feel like the significant other will view them differently or not want to get involved with the things that come along with dealing with addiction in the family. Relationships with family members can be impacted as well if relatives don’t believe the COSA claims. Additionally, if relatives are unaware of the abuse, the COSA may begin acting differently around them because they know they are hiding information from them. COSA may also hide information from their relatives to be prevented from being treated different.

The biggest impacted relationship is the relationship between the child and parent. The drug abuse can destroy relationships between parent and child because of the actions of the parent. COSA experience trauma from their parent’s drug use and can take away the innocence of childhood. When COSA go throughout their life, they often immediately think of their parent’s substance abuse when they think of their parents. The stigma of a parent’s abuse will remain with a COSA forever because of how different society can make them feel. 

It can be easier for children on non-addicts to maintain healthy relationships with friends and significant others because they have nothing to hide at home. These children don’t have to worry about lying about their home life to others and can openly build relationships without the worry of being judged or embarrassed by their home life.

[danaejicelebrities-blog]

AMY (A Review of Asif Kapadia’s Documentary “AMY” by Danaé Johnson)

My love, appreciation and respect for Amy Winehouse causes me to be incredibly protective of her, her image and her music, so to say that I was hesitant about watching this documentary, would be a hug understatement. I was afraid that the documentary would paint her as purely a damaged soul, a waste of talent an addict that didn’t want to be helped because that’s not who she was, she was so much more than her addiction and her voice, she was an actual person. That’s fact is what people usually ignore, when it comes to Amy Winehouse and the fear that that would be the bases of the film is what kept me away from the documentary, but to my surprise, the documentary didn’t show Amy “the fallen star”, it showed Amy Winehouse, the person.

The first time I watched this documentary, was a couple of months after it had premiered. Originally I was going to go with a friend to see it because I knew that I would not have been able to keep it together if I were alone when I watched it but the plans fell through, so I held off and watched the film a few months later. About a half way through the film I was in tears. Not only because of the struggles that she was going through, but also because in the midst of all this darkness, the film still managed to show that she was a human being, one that was struggling yes, but a person worth saving. The documentary was real.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/30/arts/music/amy-winehouse-documentary-lets-nobody-off-the-hook.html?_r=0

 As a fan of someone, you assume that you know everything about them but I learned so much about Amy from watching the film.  For one I had no clue that Amy was bulimic, that wasn’t really something that was publicized or really spoken about much in the media as much as her substance abuse was pushed on us. Another thing that came as a surprise to me, was her father and his role in her life. Everyone has heard rehab and everyone knows the line “And if my daddy thinks I’m fine” but people tend to forget the line “I don’t ever want to drink again, I just, oh, I just need a friend” that line was a cry for help that many, including her father seemed to have ignored. Being honest, Amy’s father had a lot to do with her spiral, from a young age, him leaving is when she began acting out and maybe that was a hard pill for him to swallow, or maybe he hadn’t realized that that was a catalyst but it was. From the media, you never really heard about when Amy was doing better, you only heard about when she was at her worst, so when watching the film, it came as a surprise to me that there were many periods of time when Amy was improving. This film showed the truth in its raw self and from friends speaking about it and the music being woven into the film seamlessly, there is no wonder why it got so much recognition.

As an outsider, there are multiple important messages that this documentary portrays. One being, don’t trust everything that the media says, because they can spin the story and make it look however they want it to look. Another message being how important it is to have people around you who actually care about you and not just your image and how you can benefit them. I think that Amy’s childhood friends and her body guard were those people for her and although they were not able to save her, they did a lot that saved her many to her times. And finally, I think the film stressed the importance of getting help when you need it, whether it be for substance abuse, toxic and abusive relationships, or just anything.

In terms of what we as the audience can learn from the film when discussing social change, I would say simply to take mental health and substance abuse seriously. I feel like a lot of people along with the media were simply entertained by Amy’s downfall. They sat, waited and watched for the next time she messed up instead of allowing her the space to breathed and thing through her problems. The media played such a huge part is Amy’s demise because when she was at her worst, they still managed to kick her. It’s disgusting. If everyone would have stopped and taken a second to realize that this was a person who was fighting her own demons, who was struggling with depression, an eating disorder, along with substance abuse, the pressure of being in the spotlight 24/7 and her family and relationship issues, maybe the outcome would have been different, but she had little support from anywhere other than a few of her close friends, her mom, and maybe some fans who actually looked at the bigger picture. The stigma connected to mental illness is a problem and the inability to view it as just important, if not more important and damaging, as physical illnesses is wrong and is something that NEEDS to change. The world and everyone in it would be so much happier and stable if it was.  

This film showed exactly what happens when your escape becomes a prison. Amy always turned to music when things got hard, when she needed to get the thoughts out of her head, when she needed to escape her life, she turned to music, she states it simply when she said in the documentary “I don’t think I knew what depression was, I knew I felt funny sometimes and I was different. I think it’s a musician thing, that’s why I write music. But I’m not like, some messed up person. There’s a lot of people that suffer depression that don’t have an outlet, can't pick up a guitar for an hour and feel better”.  

The industry, the public, the greedy people around her, took her escape, took her happy place and turned it into a prison, they made it into something that made her feel trapped rather than alive, rather than calm. I guess that is something that I can relate to, being that I am a singer and musician, music is my escape and I don’t know what I would do without it. It’s like Amy was at the same time in toxic relationships with the two things she loved the most in life, Blake and music and there were some but I guess not enough people there to pull her back up into the light after those two things had betrayed her.

Obviously, from my extensive response, this documentary means a lot to me, it breathes life and reality back into a person whose life and story was so misconstrued and misunderstood by the public and the media. This film was amazing and my appreciation for it and those involved in making it come to life is sincere. It was heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank You!

 Sincerely, 

One of Her Biggest Fans

[joffrey92]

88 Narrow Road

Whatever qualities the rich may have, they can be acquired by anyone with the tenacity to become rich. The key is confidence. Confidence and an unshakable belief it can be done and that you are the one to do it. Tunnel vision helps. Being a bit of a shit helps. A thick skin helps. Stamina is crucial, as is a capacity to work so hard that your best friends mock you, your lovers despair, and the rest of your acquaintances watch furtively from the sidelines, half in awe and half in contempt. Luck helps, but only if you don't seek it. Money is exactly like sex. You think of nothing else if you don't have it, and think of other things if you do. Money is color-blind, race-blind, sex-blind, degree-blind, and couldn't care less who brought you up or in what circumstances. Money is one of the most neutral substances on earth. Others may conspire against you obtaining it through bigotry or prejudice, but they can only succeed if you let them. As a young penniless and inexperienced person, you are not an "expert". No track record to defend. Thus you are more willing to learn than those in their 30s, 40s, or 50s. You are not afraid of making mistakes, admitting them when you do, and getting right back on track. Ambition, fearlessness, self-belief, stamina, a degree of callousness, a willingness to learn. These are your advantages over the middle-aged and old. == HARNESSING THE FEAR OF FAILURE Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Employees wanting to do their own new project : I fear them. I fear they may have spotted something we have missed, some gap in the market. I fear their new venture will grow at our expense while it poaches our personnel and our market share. The only way to deal with fear is to cozy up to it. Look it in the eye and pump its hand. Translate its negative energy into adrenaline. To harness it. To laugh with it rather than at it. "Dare not" is one thing. "Cannot" is another. Not everyone can be rich, but anyone can dare to. Somebody has to. If I had my time again, knowing what I know today, I would dedicate myself to making just enough to live comfortably ($60-$80M) as quickly as I could - by the time I was 35. I would then cash out and retire to write poetry and plant trees. "Once begun, the job's half-done." Because that first irrevocable step has proved to be the most difficult part of nearly every venture I've been involved in. No matter how much faculty of idle seeing a man has, the step from knowing to doing is rarely taken. There are so many reasons not to do anything, many of them highly persuasive. Everywhere you look, you find people who appear to take perverse pleasure in pointing out the obvious: that if a new venture does not succeed, it may result in failure. Prompt decisions and orders, right or wrong, are far healthier than endless debate. This applies equally to a debate within one's own mind. Fretting is counterproductive at any level. And so is lack of action. Knowing that fear of failure is holding you back is a step in the right direction. But it isn't enough, because knowing isn't doing. You must grow a mental armor. Not so thick as to blind you to well-constructed criticism and advice, especially from those you trust. Nor so thick as to cut you off from friends and family. But thick enough to shrug off the inevitable sniggering and malicious mockery that will follow your inevitable failures, not to mention the poorly hidden envy that will accompany your eventual success. If you are unwilling to fail, sometimes publicly, and even catastrophically, you stand very little chance of ever getting rich. If you cannot treat your quest to get rich as a game, you will never be rich. If you cannot face up to your fear of failure, you will never be rich. I am convinced the fear of failing in the eyes of the world is the single biggest impediment to amassing wealth. Trust me on this. == THE SEARCH (what field to go into) Salary begins to have an attraction and addictiveness all of its own. A regular paycheck and crack cocaine have that in common. Working too long for other people can blunt your desire to take risks. The ability to live with and embrace risk is what sets apart the financial winners and losers in the world. Team spirit is for losers, financially speaking. It's the glue that binds losers together. It's the methodology employers use to shackle useful employees to their desks without having to pay them too much. It acts as a subtle handicap and a brake to ambitious individuals. Which, in a way, it's designed to do. Too many people want to make a blockbuster movie and live in Beverly Hills. Not enough people want to dig holes. (Friend of his is incredibly rich digging holes, essentially.) New or rapidly developing industries, whether glamorous or not, very often provide more opportunities to get rich than established sectors. Three reasons for this are availability of risk capital, ignorance, and the power of a rising tide. Investors are drawn to emerging industries in the hope of making a fast buck. To acquire capital you need to be where the loose capital is searching for a home. By the time our bigger rivals were comfortable enough to launch against us, a hesitation resulting from ignorance, the tide had carried us beyond the reach of their big guns. New capital, ignorance, and a rising tide had done the trick. Capitalism demands that whoever takes the most financial risk calls the piper's tune. The biggest rewards go not to those individuals who came up with the idea, nor to those individuals who built the empire. They go to those entities or individuals who funded the enterprise and own the most stock. Your inclinations really do count. You have to pay attention to them. Do not fall into the error of making a fetish of your passion. It is the instict to seize an opportunity when it presents itself that perhaps sets apart the self-made filthy rich from the comfortably poor, the willingness to ignore conventional wisdom and risk everything on what others consider to be folly. "The harder I practiced, the luckier I got." Fortune favors not just the brave, but the bold. Boldness has a kind of genius in it. Should boldness succeed, should the chance be seized and sufficiently well executed, then success will surely lead to glory. All around us, every day, opportunities to get rich are popping up. The more alert you are, the more chance you have of spotting them. The more preparation you have done, the more chance you have of succeeding. The more bold you are, the better chance you have of getting in on the ground floor and confounding the odds. The more self-belief you can muster, the more certain will be your aim and your timing. The less you care what the neighbors think, the more likely you are to take the plunge and exploit an opportunity. == THE FALLACY OF THE GREAT IDEA The original is not the greatest. If you want to be rich, watch your rivals closely and never be ashamed to emulate a winning strategy. They may josh you a little for doing it, but that's a price well worth paying. The problem with the great idea is that it concentrates the mind on the idea itself. Unless the idea is executed efficiently, and with panache and originality, then it doesn't matter how great the idea is, the enterprise will fail. If you never have a single great idea in your life, but become skilled at executing the great ideas of others, you can succeed beyond your wildest dreams. Seek them out and make them work. They do not have to be your ideas. Execution is all in this regard. On the other hand, if you spend your days thinking up and developing in your mind this great idea or that, you are unlikely to get rich. Although you are likely to make many others rich. Ideas don't make you rich. The correct execution of ideas does. == OBTAINING CAPITAL Venture capitalists, major investors and bankers all have their part to play in providing capital for individuals and start-up companies. But if it is at all possible, give me the fish over the sharks and dolphins every time. It may take a mite longer to get there, but you'll be far richer, or at very least happier in the long run. == THE FIVE MOST COMMON START-UP ERRORS You can improve cash flow by observing the following suggestions in a start-up's early days: - Keep payroll down to an absolute minimum. Overhead walks on two legs. - Never sign long-term rent agreements or take upmarket office space. - Never buy a business meal if the other side offers to. - Pay yourself just enough to eat. - Issuing staff credit cards, company cell phones, or cars is the road to ruin. - Play one supplier against another, ruthlessly. They want your business. - Only enter a factoring deal in absolute extremity. Exit it fast. Reinforcing failure : the hardest error to avoid in this entire book. Success has a thousand fathers, while failure is famously always an orphan. Success is the ability to go from one failure to another, unrepentant and with no loss of enthusiasm. It is this possibility, the chance that we are onto a slow-burn winner, rather than being stuck with an out-and-out loser, that persuades so many of us to hang in there with a product or service in financial trouble. There is no victory over customers. Thinking big. That's the secret. Of the dozens of indie magazine publishers in Britain in the 1970s, hardly one of them dared to think big enough to get on an airplane and hawk their wares in the biggest market in the world. Those few that did so licensed their magazines, they never thought to create a partnership and risk their own capital. But the corollary of thinking big is to act small. Just because you have a success or two under your belt doesn't mean you have it made. "Success is never permanent; failure is never fatal. The only thing that really counts is to never, never, never give up." Once you begin to believe that you are infallilble, that success will automatically lead to more success, and that you have "got it made", reality will be sure to give you a rude wake-up call. Believing your own bullshit is never more fatal than for the owner of a start-up venture. By acting small, I mean remaining in touch. Remaining flexible. Most of the worst errors I have made in my life came from forgetting to act small. It's hard to do when you're rolling around in coin and everything is going your way. But acting big leads to complacency and complacency is the reason that many successful start-ups falter. When you come across real talent, it is sometimes worth allowing them to create the structure in which they choose to labor. 90% of the time, by inviting them to take responsibility and control for a new venture, you will motivate them to do great things. What talent seeks, more often than not, is the chance to prove itself and the opportunity to excel. You must identify talent. Then you must move heaven and earth to hire it. You must nurture it, reward it properly, and protect it from being poached. If necessary, dream up a new project. Better still, get the talent to dream it up. Youth is a further factor. By the time talent is in its mid-to-late forties or early fifties, it will have become very very expensive. Young talent can be found and underpaid for a short while, providing the work is challenging enough. Then it will be paid at the market rate. Talent is indispensable, although it is always replaceable. Just remember the simple rules concerning talent : identify it, hire it, nurture it, reward it, protect it. And, when the time comes, fire it. == CARDINAL VIRTUES Stubborness is not persistence. Stubbornness implies that you intend to persist despite plentiful evidence that you should not. A stubborn person fears to be shown that he or she is wrong. A persistent person is convinced that he or she has been right all along, and that the proof lies just around the corner. That with just a little further effort, the veil of failure will be torn away to reveal success. Quitting is not dishonorable. Quitting when you believe you can still succeed, is. I ask that you begin right now right at this very moment to ask yourself whether you believe in yourself. Do you believe in yourself? Do you? Without self-belief, nothing can be accomplished. With it, nothing is impossible. Doubt is a warning system and plays its part in reaching decisions. It's rude and arrogant to invest in a company you intend to bring into your stable without a thorough and honest discussion of pros and cons with senior colleagues. It's not good business, but it is the only business an entrepreneur has the right to be doing. I'm not a manager. I'm not even a businessman. I'm an entrepreneur and I go with my gut. After that, managers and beancounters and financial advisors take over, but only afterwards. If you do not launch the weekly edition, even though you know it's a good idea, then your rivals will do it for you. Let's take another example of building more baskets just as quickly as you can. Richard Branson has done it. Some of his Virgin enterprises are not as strong as others. Western Capitalism will have to sink into an ocean of darkness before all of Richard's Virgin businesses go broke. Richard has perfected one cardinal rule : he owns or part-owns more baskets than anyone else alive. It's certainly one way to become a billionaire. How many baskets should you go for? In the beginning it would be best if you can keep them related to your core business. During the start-up you concentrate on that one basket, as if your life depends on it. But once you have something that's working, start looking around quickly for another opportunity. The more baskets the better. I do not bring to any project the passion and insight of those more closely involved. The biggest basket I ever built wasn't my 1st or 2nd, it was my 20th. But if I wouldn't have built my 2nd, I never would have reached my 20th. I want to be where people can reach me on certain days of the week. Why? Because I want to hear what they have to say. Not because I'm a sociable chap. When you stop listening, you stop learning. And if you stop learning, it's time to get out of the kitchen, and let someone else do the cooking. Listening is the most powerful weapon, after self-belief and persistence, that you can bring into play as an entrepreneur. Talking to your own executives and senior managers is necessary, of course. But talking to people you do not know, or who work in some obscure corner of your industry, or even in your own company, is just as necessary. Moreso, perhaps. If you have experience, a little investment cash, and will make the time, then the world will bring to your door an amazing collection of visionaries, con artists, madmen, and budding entrepreneurs. They all have something to say. Most of your time will be wasted. But what is not wasted will make you richer - much richer. Being courteous and always failing merely makes you a courteous loser. Courtesy is not a cardinal virtue in getting rich, but it helps. My advice, based on thousands of such meetings over the years, is to keep them short. Unless your gut tells you you've stumbled across a winner, set the meeting at 20 minutes. Have someone interrupt you after 25 minutes and have the caller ushered swiftly from your room. It's usually better to leave no doubt in your visitor's mind if you're not interested in their project or idea. In a way, it's kinder, as well. Now let's talk about ideas and who owns what. If someone comes to see you with an idea you're already considering or working on, no matter how loose the connection, then stop them abruptly and tell them the situation. That's only fair. Ideas, by the way, can not be owned by anyone. You can not trademark or patent or copyright any idea. You can only protect the execution of an idea, and trademark the name. This is an important thing to know in any business, and is often misunderstood by people who come to you with an idea. Such people often request you sign an NDA, and I'm usually happy to do so. What if they come up with an idea which the company then develops then proves to be a huge success - who owns it? The company does. You do, if you are the owner of the company, and your employee put forth the idea. If someone came to you with an idea. How far has she gone towards executing this idea? She should not have come to you without protecting that idea very very carefully indeed. However, if she brought out a sample which does not work well, but worked to some degree, the case is altered. She has executed her idea, however badly. If you wish to invest in the idea, you would almost certainly have to come to a legal agreement with the inventor. Listening continuously - listening and learning - is one of the vital components for those of you who wish to be rich. == A FEW WORDS ABOUT LUCK Listen to people who are good with money, and always invest in property with a good address, providing you can pay cash for it, and will not need to sell it for a few years. Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. Preparation multiplied by opportunity. To become rich, you must behave as a predator. You must become a predator. (about unlucky friend) He weighs options too carefully. He is capable of imagining defeat. So while he is clever enough to want to minimize his risks by switching to yet another new uncontested marketplace, he leads himself into uncertainty and into error. Having too much money isn't important. Breaking your neck is important. Getting cancer is important. Having nothing to eat is important. But too much money is absolutely not important. It's just a part of the game. As H. L. Mencken put it, the chief value of money is that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. == THE ART OF NEGOTIATING All great companies, all well-run organizations, need great managers and great staff. The acquisition of managers who can bring a sense of mission to even mundane tasks, who can identify potential candidates, nurture late-bloomers, fire dullards and whiners, and adapt to changing circumstances. That is not about negotiating. You may well have to masquerade as a manager for a short while on the way to becoming rich. And you should strive to be a good manager while the role is forced upon you. But even if you discover you truly have a talent for the minutea, the management demands, it's best to abandon the role just as soon as you can afford to hire the appropriate personnel. The world is full of aspiring lieutenants. Most people seek job security, job satisfaction, and power over others, far more than they seek wealth. Management efficiency really does count, of course. Loyalty counts. Fairness counts. A steady disposition counts. A sense of appropriate compromise counts. An organization will fail without managers who apply such virtues consistently. (About your enemy:) The first thing to be done, the most vital thing, is to establish exactly where those weaknesses lie. An immediate balance of weakness may well prove more decisive than any long-term balance of strengths. The elephant and the flea : the elephant must show his master that he is an up-to-date elephant, a savvy elephant, and elephant that knows what's just around the corner, and what the next big thing is going to be in his patch of jungle. Otherwise he risks his share price dropping and being hurt by the nasty iron stick, or even shot by the fierce institutional investor, who will then acquire a new elephant. A few tips on negotiating: * - If you're a poor negotiator, then set a limit on what you will pay or accept, and on any conditions attached. Do not deviate. Your first thought is your best thought. * - Most negotiations are unnecessary. Don't enter into them. * - Do your homework. What you don't know or haven't bothered to find out can kill you in any serious type of negotiation. * - Get all of the professional help you can trust. Do not surrender control of negotiations or the agenda to such professionals. They are not the one who will have to live with the consequenses. You are. * - If your advisors are leading you down a path you don't approve of, call a time-out and tell them privately that if they continue along that route you will get new advisors. * - They're not your friend. They're your enemy. If you do not understand that real winners and real losers emerge from real negotiations, then you'll be robbed, whatever the circumstances. * - Listen, when engaged in serious negotations. You are in no hurry. Nobody ever got poor listening. Use silence as a weapon. * - Choose a rogue element to your advantage, and bring it into the negotiation at a late stage. * - Divide and rule always works. * - Permit no such weaknesses in your own camp. == OWNERSHIP! OWNERSHIP! OWNERSHIP! We pretend that mere names can own things. But what is a partnership, a corporation, or a country, but a name? It's easy to be philsophical when you've already amassed a fortune. There's some truth in that, but there's also truth in the assertion that I may well have only been able to put a few hundred million dollars in the bank because I recognized that this getting rich malarkey is just a game. Being rich is fine, and at very least is better than being poor. But it shouldn't be the be-all end-all of your life or anyone's life. If you can laugh in the midst of early poverty and in the face of real adversity, and if you can still laugh while you're coining it in, then you will almost certainly continue to coin it in. To become rich, you must be an owner, and you must try to own it all. You must strive with every fiber of your being, while recognizing the idiocy of your behavior. To own and retain control of as near to 100% of any company as you can. Never never never hand over a single share of anything you've created or acquired, if you can help it. Nothing. Not one share, to no one, no matter what the reason, unless you genuinely have to. Ownership is the only thing that counts. Why doth treason never prosper? For shouldest thou fail, thou must hang. And if it doth succeed, why 'twas never treason! Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl. The partnership held, and has always reflected two principles as far as sharing the pie : (1) who is putting what capital into a venture? (2) who is putting what work on that venture? That's the best part of a true partnership: you always have a brother to help carry the load, and if things go wrong, you have a built-in drinking buddy with whom to drown your sorrows. Despite our close friendship and real affection for eachother, this knowledge that any one of us could walk away from the others if he wished, that illusion of freedom made it possible to compromise with eachother when things got tough in our partnership business. If our partnership had been the only hope I had of making any real money, it might have disintegrated before it began. A partnership is not a marriage. In a marriage you should be willing to die or kill or share everything. In a partnership, money comes first. Establish yourself first, retaining as much control of any startup or acquisition as you can. Only then, seek pastures new with partners in the picture. Ownership buys you the luxury of time. Not only the luxury of occasionally considering a partnership or an investment elsewhere. Ownership means never having to waste time saying sorry that a business didn't work out. It means not having to spend weeks and weeks trying to persuade your partners that a certain course of action is necessary. It means that you can concentrate on building the business and making money - or losing it without the added burden of guilt. Time is the only thing we cannot replace, apart from our health and our lives. I resent wasting a moment of it. == THE JOYS OF DELEGATION How much would Howard Stern earn if he delegated his show to others? After a short while, he would get nothing. His audience would not put up with a substitute. Actors, celebreties, kings, politicians, artists, either do the job in person or they lose the job and the income that comes with the job. If you own a company and that company's purpose is to make you wealthy, you will be content, delighted even, for any amount of glory to go to anyone who works there, providing you get the money. If you do not own the company or part of it then it's possible you are only a senior manager because you like power. Bossy people and glory hounds are mostly interested in building a power base so they can have yet more people to boss about. The devil can quote scripture for his own purpose. The whole point about getting rich is not to have to deal with this nonsense of office politics. True delegation can often be a joy to be involved in on both sides. As an owner you must always be alert of the tell-tale signs that here is a candidate for promotion and delegation. They are smart, smarter than you are, they work hard and appear to love the work they do. They ask intelligent questions and don't waste time gossiping and mucking about. They listen and correct their errors and don't repeat them. They want your job. Especially in the early days of your company, delegation and promotion are among your most powerful weapons in getting rich. Almost everyone wishes to be respected. With promotion comes respect. With delegation comes promotion. If your company is young and a bit rickety, meritocracy, delegation and promotion are the bricks and mortar that will make it stronger. By setting an example early on with a program of carefully tailored delegation and well-deserved promotion, you will create an atmosphere of loyalty, efficiency and comradery that feeds upon itself. An atmosphere poisonous to toads. Good morale, a pervasive feeling of "us against the world", combined with the promise of responsible delegation, and promotion based on achievement can move mountains The work undertaken by your colleagues and employees is more important than your work. Your job is to lead. Hard work never bothers the young. They think they are built of steel. What else do I delegate? Almost everything now. I do not run my companies and have not done so in many many years. Meetings : Verbatim minutes are taken. I read all of the minutes of these meetings very carefully and I can get a mite cross if they are not produced promptly and accurately. For me they are not a memorandum of past events. They are a tool to understanding current positions. I also have my personal financial manager as well as my group CFO placed on all these boards. If I'm not present you can be sure he is. Without my express permission: 1. they may not vote anyone on or off the board 2. they may not physically move the headquarters of the company 3. they may not dispose of or shut down any substantial asset 4. they may not purchase or launch any substantial new product or business 5. they may not award themselves bonuses or salary increases Within these guidelines, the managers of my companies are free to get on with their jobs, grow the business, and reach the margin return agreed-upon at the beginning of the year. A margin they will have arrived at, amongst themselves, by consensus with my CFO's eyes on them while they do it. If things go wrong in a particular part of the business then I will get involved. When we are about to launch, sell, or close something - then I'm always involved. Absentee landlords never prosper. One thing I do to compensate for the style of ownership is to look hard for signs of excellent work. When I spot it, I drop a handwritten note to whoever is responsible. Most of all, because I learned to delegate a long time ago, and to accept that you must allow young managers the opportunity to make mistakes without crushing or blaming them when thing go wrong, (you can always fire them if they make the same error over & over). == PIECE OF THE PIE Craft bonuses for those who work for you to achieve margin, cost, and revenue targets. You won't get far if you attempt to financially "incentivize" the salt of the earth. (The types that just enjoy working hard.) Praise, the ability to discern when a good job has been done, and the courtesy to say so, fairness, integrity, and camraderie should be employed instead. It takes more trouble than mere bribery, but it produces wonderful results. Always ensure that you want to fight and ought to fight on a larger competitor's ground. If he is anxious to buy you, determined to park his tanks on your ground, maybe you should let him - for the right price. If your competitor is smaller, try to hire him or buy him or join with him. If he won't budge, take drastic action and smash him. If that won't work, then learn to be friends and collude against the wolly mammoths together. Ways to make more pie: - Make annual bonuses generous - "ring fence" investment costs from ongoing business : investment money for new projects taken out of ongoing business as a real expense - never delegate bonus arrangements. - at senior level, insist on collective responsibility for bonuses - praise excellent work - fire poor workers mercilessly - turn a cold eye to company perks - avoid all "jollies" : trips to Hawaii - set an example : don't waste company money - have senior managers go over annual results with you one-on-one : their comments can be priceless - back up your managers - seek out and promote talent - interview your rivals' talent - discourage secrecy - save a little bit of pie for suppliers - never bad-mouth rivals - sell early (real money rarely comes from horsing around running an asset-laden business if you're an entrepreneur. you're not a manager, remember? whenever the chance comes to sell an asset at the top of its value, do so. things do not keep increasing in value forever. get out while the going is good and move on to the next venture.) - enjoy the business of making money == THE POWER OF FOCUS Look carefully around you at the prevailing industries where wealth appears to be gravitating - then go where the money is! Few fortunes are made in mature industries, unless you are lucky enough to create a monopoly in one. What business should I have gravitated toward? Software, technology, internet startups, cable and satellite TV, property, environmental waste clean-up, alternative energy sources. Do I know anything about these industries? No. But then I didn't know anything about magazines in 1967, either. Stupid people are easy to hire. The world is full of stupid people. Many are extremely pleasant but will not add to your wealth. Avoid them like the plague. What you need are clever, cunning, and adept people. Providing you can pay much cleverer but risk-averse people properly, and promote them and lead them in such a way that they are all rowing in the same direction, they will sign on to your little ship. Persuading them to join is not the problem, but separating the wheat from the chaff is harder. They look so much alike. This is where you have to focus your energy and concentration. Choosing human capital: 1. Never choose an important employee or a key supplier alone. Get others to interview them or talk to them as well, either with you or separately. The final choice must be yours alone. 2. Go further than reading a person's references. It's such a pain, but it pays. Make an appointment with their last company or with a supplier's other customers. Go and see someone there. Get chatty. Listen hard. You will discover more about the person or supplier in a few minutes in this way than in hours of conversation with them. 3. Make notes. Speak little. Have a series of questions ready to shoot out when they grind to a halt. Focus like mad on what your instict is telling you. You are being interviewed, too, so best to keep your mouth shut. 4. Good suppliers respect attention to detail. 5. Pay employees well. Bonuses better. 8. Ignore your prejudices. 10. Don't leave senior employees in any job too long. You will get the most out of any senior employee in their first year or two in a new position. After that, they enter a comfort zone. == WHOOPS! A failure in the offing represents one of the only times that minority shareholders become a potential boon. If you can off-load your share of a failing company on them and shimmy out the door, then you should do so. They may be prepared to take over and attempt themselves to make a success from your failure. Before you dump your dream into the gutter, ensure you do the rounds of other companies in your neck of the woods. It only takes two of them to become interested and you have the chance of getting an auction going. == RECAP FOR IDLERS You have to cut loose to get rich. There isn't any other way. You must cut yourself loose from naysayers and negative influences. They drain confidence and optimism from you. Often including your parents, lover, husband, or wife, and friends. They fear you're placing yourself in harm's way - and to them that's not a good thing. They fear that if you should succeed, you will expose their own timidity to the light of day. You must cut loose in your mind from your previous life. Getting rich comes from an attitude of mind. It isn't going to happen if things drift on pretty much the way they are right now. The world is full of money. Some of it has my name on it. All I have to do is collect it. I have about a hundred good ideas every day. You have to choose a new mine where you suspect there is money, or an old mine with a different angle to get rich. The right mountain. A great new mine right now is in telecommunications, or the internet, or legalized gambling. Property is always good. (You can start small in property and get lucky quickly. It's a crowded market, though, for that very reason.) Go for what attracts you. Go for something that exploits your natural talents. Try for just a single day, a whole day when you refuse to acknowledge fear of failure, fear of making yourself look like an idiot, fear of losing your lover, fear of anything and of any kind. Fear will creep back, but laugh at it and tell it to take a hike. Go on. I dare you. If you can do it, this will transform your life. You will instantly perceive (among many other things) just how much money there is in the world, and how pitifully easy it is to obtain it. Money that already has your name on it. It is fear that rules us. Love and respect and other such emotions make it bearable, at a price. Watch out for blowhards. There are a lot of them out there and they are very negative influences. They can stop you from getting started, from getting going, from taking a massive running leap into the dark. Always remember that they want you to fail, just as they did. Ignore them. == HOW TO STAY RICH The faster you give it away, the more money will flow back to you. Not because of "karma", but because you then spend less time defending it and more time making more of it. Never loan it to friends. You will lose your friend as well as your money. Give, but don't loan. Broadcast your policy loudly. If you do not begin to isolate yourself pronto when you get rich, then you will be driven mad pretty swiftly. Don't develop plate-glass vision. Talk with random strangers. The professionals who run your private wealth for you must be the classiest. There is no substitute for a first-class lawyer, tax advisor, accountant, auditor, estate manager, and business advisor. None. Install good accounting systems the second you can afford it. Never stop looking for talent and promoting talent. More entrepreneurs get themselves into trobule by overreaching than exercising discipline. Lead. Do not be led. You have employed smart people. Great. But you are their leader. If you sniff an opportunity, get them to consider it. If they still don't get excited, take the project into your private office and begin it there. Do not leave the opportunity within the company to be sabotaged, focus-grouped and committeed to death. If you're bored with a business, sell it. Try to sell before you have to. Try to sell them before their peak. Buyers require "blue sky" (further growth) to get excited and offer a great price. Retirement will kill you. Deliberately employ men and women who are smarter than you - and listen to them.