im-borderline-insane

[im-borderline-insane]

Trigger warning: mention of suicide, addiction and mention of other mental illnesses though most do not go into detail.

I’m sorry to..

Mom, I know all your life you just wanted a child and I’m so sorry that I am what you got. A kid with adhd, borderline personality disorder, an eating disorder, body image issues, social issues, suicidal thoughts, who hears voices and runs away, who overdosed when things get too tough and gets high or drunk to feel something, who self harms to feel something. I’m sorry I don’t respond to medication and that your honor roll student who always dreamed of majoring in electrical engineering and making a name for myself and helping you with your addiction and suffering is such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m in and out of different psych appointments and doctors and meds and this and that and that I just can’t seem to get any better. I’m sorry that the second love of your life has lost all sense of reality and cries in her room all the time. I’m sorry that the second love of your life always wishes she was dead and can’t stop screaming at people. I’m sorry that the second love of your life has been put through trauma, has given up on love and friendships, has serious trust issues and can barely get by from day to day. I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you always dreamed of having, but you are my best friend.

Dear dad, I know you have been through hell and back and have done things you’re not proud of. I know you love all your other kids and I’m glad I’m the kid you’ve been with the longest. I’m sorry you feel like the world hates you, I’m sorry you’re in pain and have an alcohol addiction and cancer. I’m so proud of you for quitting smoking finally, I’m so thankful for you always offering me support and moral lessons. I’m so thankful for all the talks we have about engineering, mechanics, architecture, the military, our lives and everything. I’m so thankful for your endless support and I’m so so sorry that I’m the kid you got. I know you used to abuse my mom physically, emotionally and verbally but you don’t know I know. You used to hit me like mom did and as I got older I learned not to fear you anymore and finally fight back and I’d like to thank you for turning me into the kinda person who doesn’t take peoples shit and will stand up for myself in most occasions. I’m so sorry for running away from you when all you wanted was to help me and bring me back home. I’m sorry I picked up my habits of drinking and smoking to cope like you did but I’m proud of you for working on those things. I’m sorry you’ve watched your daughter be ruined by substance abuse and the things that have happened to me. I’m sorry that both of us have tried so hard to save mom from those stupid meds that have ruined her and that there’s basically nothing we can do anymore to help her. It kills me inside too and I’m sure it does the same to you. I’m always going to be by your side to support you and I’m glad I stayed the entire time for your surgery even though I was alone and scared half to death, but you kept your promise and made it through and I know you’re afraid the radiation will kill you and all I can do is hope that it won’t. I’m sorry that I’m constantly getting into trouble lately and have been yelling at you lately, I’m just getting worse and don’t have the heart to come forward to you or mom or pappou about it because it’s so hard to look at the people who love me the most and have raised me that their child wants to drop dead. I’m so sorry that while mom was in the hosptial I overdosed and nearly died and I’m so sorry I put you through that but thank you for being by my side the entire time in what could have been my last moments. I’m sorry again for being a failure. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve scared you with my self harm relapses and I know you’re always here for me.

Dear pappou (grandpa), thank you for being like a second father figure and becoming my best friend. Thank you for always being here for me, thank you for loving me and being happy when I cook and always encouraging me to do my best. It so cute how you take all my academic awards and tape them to your bedroom door and it means the world to me that you support me and are proud of me. Thank you for pushing me to try new things and always supporting me in trying my best in Greek school and helping me learn when I was little. Thank you for coming to all my performances when my parents couldn’t. I’m so sorry that the love of your life passed away but I’m so glad we moved in with you and helped you. I’m forever grateful for the fact that I have you in my life. Thank you for letting me get random pets and always taking me places and helping to raise me and my pets. I remember the day you came home with two baby chickens for me and I was so happy! Your kindness and compassion and love have always been one of the biggest reasons I stay around and I’m so grateful that you were able to beat your cancer when i was little because I don’t know what I’d do without you or what I’ll do when it’s your time because I know you’re 77 now and I just wish you could stay forever with me and we could go places and have fun together. Thank you for taking me to work with you in the summer at the leski and always being there for me. Thank you for the endless opportunities you have offered me and encouraged me to take. I love you to the end of the earth and back. Thank you for everything you do for not only me but for mom and dad. I love you more than words could ever describe and I’m sorry I turned out like this and I’m sure you’re worried and I’m sorry that you must always have a small thought in the back of your head that you’re gonna lose me because I know I remind you of yiayia, but I promise I’ll try to stick around for you. I love you