iamyamine

[iamyamine]

FACING FEARS

To bare my soul in words

Is to face a fear I shouldn't have.

Never did I think

I would fear my own truth.

I am older now,

Though my youth is still intact.

My mind matured in thought

But my words they seem to lack.

Silence may be golden,

I learnt to beware the impact

Or being silent even to myself.

My dreams have not forsaken me,

Ori dey my side

Reminding me of destiny,

Of a slow and steady climb.

I could not go far alone

I needed family.

Much I had to learn

True love and loyalty.

Things I had to value

To help me value me.

So even though I have not written for some time, and my mind is full of, "write it downs," so I can feel it, see it and process it, today has begun a release of years of pent up words; that is pent up emotions, mental battles, tears and screams of distress. I can think clearer now for I have faced my fears.

[iamyamine]

I could cry,

But oh I could rise,

Complain or restrain myself from that which brings me down.

I could fall or I could fly.

Either way, I decide.

Spirit, lead me where my feet would never falter;

The waters are deep where I am

And there are chains weighing down my feet.

Yet steadfast you hold me, guild and lead me.

My troubles are but pebbles you kick aside

The path, you have cleared for my ease

Destiny awaits my chase and zeal.

My gifts are meant for more

They have too long been concealed.

I see where I went wrong

Let me see how to be strong.

Focus and drive has enslaved my being

But I've always been their true master.

Cowardice had made me small,

The thoughts of failure consumed me.

What's a little going to do for the years I've let slip away?

More...

More than nothing, for the time I had left.

[iamyamine]

You can really break a person

With bare, raw words.

With bare, raw, wounding words,

You can quickly make a bad thing worse.

[iamyamine]

One Regret

I'm grieving an old friend who I don't believe I have the right to. Blinded by what I thought was love some time ago, I neglected him, I put him last. It's easy to say I don't regret anything because at the time I committed the act it's exactly what I wanted to do. Safely, I am saying that allowing myself to lose him, is my only regret in this lifetime.

See I was not thinking with my own clear mind. The narcissist I thought I was in love with and was trying so desperately hard to please was like a cloud of the most confusing mist to those long 6 months. I wished my friend was still around when the doom of my ordeal struck. But it was too late.

He did warn me, he warned us all that eventually he'd go completely off the grid and become unreachable. He was always built like that, to wither away into seclusion was expected of him. But at the back of my mind, I hoped that I was special enough to him to be able to have access even when he decided to become inaccessible. I would've, had I not turned away from him first.

It would make a total of 3 three times that I left him, and each one he predicted. So for him, 6 times, because he lived it simply in the knowing it was destined to come. Talk about feeling a dread, twice. I guess he eventually made a choice for everyone who would try to get close to him again. He gave us his distance first. How heartbreaking. I missed him dearly.

I didnt deserve to miss him, I think. Where was I when he was missing me, my warmth and cheer that I knew he craved? I was reserving it solely for that energy sucker when I could've saved my darling from this plunge into eternal solitude that he's so foolishly chosen for his life.

Perhaps one day he'll come across this blog and he'll know that I still read "bluestar" because it's the only way I feel close to him. He'll know that I'm sorry and I'm hurting most days I don't hear from him. He'll know that the first person I wanted to tell the good news of my baby was him. He'll understand that I've healed from the manipulation I faced and I wish I had done things differently. I'm still praying for strength instead of an ease to my weight just as he taught me. I've never, nor will I ever forget every way that he's groomed my soul into the beauty it is today.

[iamyamine]

Lost For Words

Excuse me if sometimes my words refuse to escape between labored breaths and incessant tears.

The mind becomes a host of all my fears all at once.

My sentences resist form and I don't quite understand the darkness I've fallen prey to.

I tend to linger where it's not my place and bury myself in despondency .

It's homely here, familiar and safe. Sometimes the jumble of emotions are better left to be.

I'd truly love to explain, to pick apart my minds occupants and see exactly what they say.

To know exactly what to do, to tell you how I feel and why I'm in this mood.

But labored breaths don't have self-control buttons and words lead me on a futile chase. 

How about we let my thoughts rest and you just sit a while with me while inside me I wrestle and outside me you comfort.

Allow me a pause to my search with the warmth of your simple silent embrace, as it’s all I can muster the strength for. 

And as my minds chaos and cacophony subsides, perhaps I’ll breathe easier and tell you I love you and ask you to stay. 

[iamyamine]

Ayo's Perspective

I've Not a care in the world, yet I know she holds a world of cares for me.

I feel her troubles and keep her calm, she knows I'll bring a world of joy.

With heavy worries she looks forward to that day we'll meet.

She hopes to find her passions restored.

She knows I'll live up to the names she thoughtfully prepared

And give her endless opportunities to be just her own self.

Of course, there are fears left to be addressed,

They say my kind comes blessed.

Bring blessings, we do indeed, yet mother's troubles do not cease.

How much longer must she beat up herself, can't she just wait on me?

Wait and see?

That everything has its time and in time things change, I mean...

Things will change as we grow in love and push on through the fears.

We've so many years to get right, what she's hurried to get right now.

Patience mother, I'll bring you joy and trust that's just the start;

I'll bring you all your hopes and dreams and every wish within your heart.

[iamyamine]

Creations

I create when I am bothered...

Unguarded, soulful art smothered

Across spaces only visited

When I am too tired to remain whole.

Unapologetically, I allow my outlets

To encapsulate beauty from what

Could cause me scads of pain.

Never neglecting pains existence,

Only embodying its darkness as light

For some greater good.

Perhaps help, if I could

Some soul as distraught as I,

When all that's left to turn to

Is an empty canvas begging for

The rawness that is my heart.

For me, a slate to defame with vulnerability

For another, comfort to know that their somber is shared.

Yet these pieces do not alleviate

The magnitude of suffering we call healing.

I wade in troubled waters

As I wait out the course of this new chapter

I sometimes wish I never began to read

And surely didn't write.

Yet pulled again were my strings,

As I was forced to complete this act and this scene,

By the great puppeteer that is life.

Words flow on paper

When they are lost at the seams of my lips.

Melodies express the notes I would cry

With no tears.

Movement, a balance to remind me

Where the ground is.

My spirit always knows

When I've made its house a home.

[iamyamine]

Points of View.

I've learnt to master the art of silence when faced with tension. Words absolutely necessary to be spoken, would be reluctantly tinged with the most subtle passive aggressiveness, or written in a blog then buried indefinitely.

I've been called a mouth murderer and it's my most detested trait. Learning tact and restraint from brutal honesty when I felt speaking my mind was called for, only came at the expense of the feelings of people I cared deeply for.

Taking moments to find a balance between the emotions I felt and what was actually reality required stillness and a profound search of my inner being to understand fully what outcome my soul truly desired instead of what my anger wanted to exude.

"What it feels like, isn't always what it is." I'd remind myself. Just because my blood had reached its boiling point doesn't mean a situation is anywhere near such level. I always needed to take several steps back in order to view the bigger picture. Evidently, bolling point could never warrant verbal abuse, clothed in honesty or otherwise.

Ultimately, I wanted to grow, to learn from everything that had my peace of mind unsettled. In every fazed moment I strived for mature communication that would eventually lead to resolution and self improvement of all parties involved.

I grew to see the whole picture. And although I'm still not quite fond of this being the bigger person nonsense, I understand how important it is for me to evolve and acknowledge my darker side only to cage it for the sake of another.

"Do what thou wilt, but hurt none"

Note to self: Let your anger rise only within you, let it sit, settle and stay for as long as it needs to be heard. Avoid its escape until it's clad in understanding. Then, and only then are you to release silence and be proud of the progress that is, seeing the bigger picture.

[iamyamine]

Not Destined To Be

Perfection often tends to find itself tainted.

Woes, our unrealistic ideals.

Stories and wishes our minds have collected,

Are ever rarely what they frequently seem.

Audaciously appalled when it is what it is,

Nothing like fairy tales we told to ourselves.

Flawless now covered in spots and blemishes,

For we face the bluntness of fate instead. 

God’s plan and my plan, I just cannot see,

Why for God’s sake they cannot agree. 

Why can’t the Gods want what I want as well?

Contradictions must be fitting of hell. 

I dare not blame destiny for the hopes I got up

Oh and it angers me so,

To know that my visions can only somewhat

Bring me the pleasures I want in this world.

Visions are so beyond our control.

Backed by all the actions they may be

If fortune favors not our greatness,

We might as well drop the silly pipe dreams.

[iamyamine]

Passion, Poetry and Prose

Accountability. Someone ought to hold me to this shit!

It's clear it cant be me, my motivations tend to shift.

I'm fired up today, but things do go awry

We'll see how long it takes to burn away and end this time.

Seems many of us share the burden of making promises to ourselves we fail to keep. I must admit, I'm pleased to know I'm not alone. The race truly is not for the swift, but for those who have the strength to endure. I cannot tell you just how many unfinished projects haunt my inner creative; how many grand ideas I let dwindle away. Sometimes I literally replace the thoughts of what should be my priorities, with a seemingly endless scroll through some social media platform, because I'm hardly ever ready to deal with them. Why is it so hard for me to hone my skills? Aren't these the things I love? Is it that my passions are weaker than my willpower? Surely this is how it seems.

Passion sits dormant within my existence and the whole truth is this...

It tends to spark mainly when someone recognizes my gifts.

When one says, "Well done, you're great at what you do!"

And wish they had my talents, to do the same things too.

But what they see is surface deep, reluctance penned these words,

For I fought to hold inside, the thoughts I never wanted heard.

I never chose to own, the fact I'd end up my own demise

If soon, rather than later, I didn't take my own advice.

I couldn't go from a size 18 to a size 12 without constantly telling myself to push past the pain I felt. I had endured. I know what it is like. Yet somehow I failed to push past my mental blockages to be able to develop my talents. Reason begin, I knew how high the risk of failure in my field of expertise was. I was shaken at the idea of competition instead of being driven by the idea of a dream.

"Stop singing!" The words my annoyed family said,

And as I grew much older, it replayed inside my head.

Inside my very being, it fought me all the more

To resist my silly dreaming for what reality had in store.

Just some ordinary life.

Education, a good job, be a man's good wife.

Bare a healthy child, snuff away its aspirations

Teach it the cruel difference between real and imagination.

I could say much more, but I'll end right here with this...

Please don't let the fear of failing, decimate your gifts.

[iamyamine]

A Conflict

The slave and the master can't pray to the same God

One's prayer will fail, you see

Am I conquered or conquering?

And who's praying against me?

To toil and fight to win some feat

I ask the Gods above,

Yet work with those iniquities

The ones that keep me down.

I'm fighting against

Me...

There's no one else to blame.

The healing has been undulating

So I no longer feel much pain.

Yet mental scars remain

As a demon on one shoulder

And an angel on the next.

Often times I forget the prayer

When my actions don't reflect.

Do I want my freedom,

Or is comfort a better zone?

When should put my feet down?

Where would most feel like home?

What prayer am I saying

And does my living coincide?

I can't keep kneeling aimlessly

Begging for some better life.

Staying hoping, wishing time

Doesn't run the hell away.

I've wasted many minutes

On many fruitless days

So what's my petition,

To remain or for change?

I strive to be the master

Of a most complacent slave.

[iamyamine]

Stop. Start Again.

"I'd like to be grateful,

Tho gratitude seems not to linger long lately.

I'd like to feel strong

And not just feign strength."

My altar is but a staircase away.

I sat and spoke in prayer.

I'd like to find fulfillment

But the follow through is rough.

I'd start and stop, then start again

Then give the whole thing up.

Good at all too many

Yet not a master of one,

I find it overwhelming

So I get not one thing done.

I seek perfection's stamp

To validate my little tries,

But validation doesn't change the fact

There's still flaws in my eyes.

So I stop and start again,

Anew with a changed mood,

Until I fail inside my head

And give right up real soon.

[iamyamine]

Oceans

I'm writing a song I think you'll like,

Yes it's for you.

And I'm hoping to choose my words right,

It must be perfect for you.

Something like soul

Your Soul might just like to hear,

Won't say nothing wrong

Let me just be totally clear...

Only thing my eyes see,

My heart feels,

My mind thinks about

Is you.

You. You. You.

Dont doubt it too much

Feel the little rush,

Of my love running into you.

Crashing like a wave

Oh just let me say,

I wanna drown in you.

So carry me oceans and oceans

And douse me and loose me in love

Carry me oceans and oceans away.

[iamyamine]

Disappointed

As disapppintment comes to sit a while with me

I'm reminded that high hopes are silly fantasies,

And faith in humans will eventually

Cause faith to cease.

Acknowledging the feeling

Has me steady making

Promises I can't be keeping

To myself

Like, I'll never expect

And, I'll only wait.

As disappointment begins my day,

I remember he's not going to stay.

Here for sometime to be embraced

Here to say it to my face

Here so I don't make the same mistakes.

Uttering, "I am more than a let down,

I am prevention of future tensions.

Get your hopes off their high horse,

Always stay the course

Soon I'll go away."

[iamyamine]

Moonbeams

Many a moon, has seen my phases

Many a moon, for many of years.

Marked, the expression, on many my faces

Never it missed, a smile nor a tear.

Though I'm in quarter, though I'm in half

Never a day I feel small

Recalling I'm resting the parts of my soul

The portions of me, I let fall.

Down yet not out, though so lost I feel

Night time has carried away

Every bright vision of me that's so real,

Then hidden in darkness for some nights they stay.

Not always whole... and who ever is?

Nocturnal my spirit may be,

The moon sees my face, and does not judge my phases.

For it knows the earth spins to reveal my full beam.

[iamyamine]

Settling

You're the same person worthy of ghosting

Just decorated with "I love yous".

Same one whose words hold no weight

Save the way it's said.

Same undependable waste of my time

I wish to run away,

And save myself from settling

For this and you another day.

Hate that I'd come to feel this,

And be so afraid to say.

To save the way you feel inside

About my unwillingness to stay.