#bet it has a turret :/

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

To the victor the spoils

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 19

Prompt: Enemies to lovers

Rated: T

CW: light blood and violence; steamy kissing; very light dubcon if you squint (they're actually both super into it, I promise)

Tags: Fantasy AU; Magic AU; Guard!Steve; Thief!Eddie; Sexual tension; Flirting; Fighting; First kiss

Notes: Thought that kiss was hot in writing? Wait until you see it! @house-of-the-moving-image did an entire mini comic!

In the end, it’s just the two of them again. 

Steve jumps over another groaning pile of half-conscious guards and bursts out onto the roof, cold night air slapping him in the face and making the cape of his uniform whip. 

“Munson!” he barks. 

He is standing by the edge of the roof, a black cut-out against the starlit sky. As Steve stalks closer, he can see the smile curling at his lips, the amusement glinting in those dark eyes. 

“Stevie,” he greets, like they’re two acquaintances who’ve just met on the market square - not the new Captain of the Guard and the city’s most wanted criminal. “My, don’cha look strapping in the new get-up. Congrats, I bet daddy’s mighty proud.” 

“Shut it,” Steve growls, ignoring the way Eddie’s eyes linger on his golden breastplate, the way it makes a treacherous heat prickle at his neck. “Flattery will get you nowhere. Now give it back!” 

He jerks his head at the necklace clutched in one black-gloved hand. Eddie pouts. 

“Don’t wanna. It’s shiny.” 

Steve groans. It’s like talking to a five-year-old. A five-year old clad in black armor who’s versed in combat magic. 

“It is a priceless magic artifact that’s been in Lord Carver's family for generations-” 

“Yeah, and what a load of good they’ve done with it,” Eddie sneers. “High time it got into the hands of someone who actually knows what they’re doing.” 

“Oh, and that someone would be you?” 

“Look at you,” Eddie winks. “Pretty and clever. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta-” 

“You’re not going anywhere!” Steve snaps. His sword slides out with a high, metallic sound. 

Eddie raises his hands. “Woah, big boy. Careful now, you don’t wanna-” 

Steve roars and lunges. 

Eddie skips out of reach, but not quite fast enough. A lock of curly hair floats to the ground. 

“Oh sweetheart, you're gonna regret this,” Eddie purrs. 

And all hell breaks loose. 

The air crackles with the taste of ozone, a blinding light erupts from the artifact, and Steve just barely manages to parry. Something whirrs through the air, glides off his blade and a sharp, hot pain explodes all over the side of his face. Something warm trickles down his cheek. 

“Hell yeah,” Eddie whoops and comes flying at him, giant shards of solid magic whirling around him, eyes eerily alight with their glow. “That's what I'm talking about!” 

The world blurs into a frenzy of movement and adrenaline. Attack and parry, dive for cover behind the towers and turrets and battlements of the roof, attack again. It’s almost comforting in its familiarity, this dance of theirs. Steve knows all of Eddie’s little quirks, the subtle twitches of his face that indicate his attacks before they actually come. They’ve done this so often, he can read him like an open book. 

The problem is, Eddie knows him just as intimately. Steve screams with rage, forces his aching limbs to go faster, harder, but it’s no use. Every blow that he tries to land, Eddie blocks, every twist and turn he makes, Eddie’s already there, always with that infuriating, dimpled grin, that amused little quirk of his brow. 

Until Steve’s foot lands on a wet patch of moss and he slips. 

It all goes so fast he has no time to be terrified - just feels the horrible sense of vertigo as the world tilts and the cobbled street jumps at him. Then, before he can so much as scream, there's arms wrapping around him and he's being hauled backwards, back pressed flush against another body. His blade goes clattering into the shadows.

“Whoops,” Eddie chuckles into his ear. Steve can feel his chest rising and falling with exertion, can feel his hot breath clouding against the shell of his ear. “Thought I told you not to fall for me.”

“Shut up,” he snaps, tries to struggle free, but Eddie has one arm around his chest, the other flush against the hollow of his throat, and he can't go anywhere. “Don’t give yourself too much credit.” 

“Oh, do I?" Eddie’s lips twitch into a smirk against the nape of his neck. “Then why were you holding back?” 

“Fuck you!” he grits out, but all it earns him is a low tut. “Now release me.”

“What, without a reward?” Eddie’s voice tingles down his spine, sweet and potent like poisoned mead. “You know how I am about pretty things. And you wouldn't wanna deny the victor his spoils, would you?” 

“Asshole!” Humiliation coils hot and heavy in Steve’s abdomen. “Stop joking and-” 

Eddie snarls against his ear. “I've told you a million times, honey. I'm not joking.” 

Steve’s world spins again, breath punched clean from his lungs as he is flipped around and slammed against the nearest wall. Eddie doesn’t leave him any time to recover, just surges in with a hungry growl and crashes their lips together. When Steve tries to struggle, he bites down on his bottom lip, uses the pained gasp it earns him to lick into his mouth. 

Someone moans, but it takes Eddie running his tongue over the roof of his mouth and pushing a leg between his thighs before the sound tumbles out again and Steve recognizes his own voice. They only break apart when they run out of air, both flushed and struggling for breath. 

And that is when the door to the roof slams open and Lord Carver and his men push through. 

“He went this way! Seize him!”

Eddie lets out an annoyed huff and leans in for one last peck against Steve’s lips. 

“Sorry, darling. Gotta go, y'know how it is. See you next time.” 

He steps out of his space and the night air hits Steve like a bucket of ice water. Eddie winks at him and steps over the edge of the roof. 

By the time Carver and his guards arrive, the night has long swallowed him.

Part 2

All my holiday drabbles

[hometoursandotherstuff]

This 1883 Queen Anne Revival in Georgetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada is unusually decorated. It's large, too, 9bds, 4ba, C$1,458,888. It isn't a B&B or venue, but it is being sold with most of the furnishings plus commercial dishware.

This is interesting. Walk in to wall-to-wall paisley carpeting and an office nook.

There's a large combination sitting/dining room.

This furniture isn't that nice, but I bet it comes with that big antique piano.

There are some nice pieces in here.

Cute conversational seating in the turret room.

The kitchen's nice.

Cozy porch with a wood burning stove.

The family room looks nice in black.

Nice large vintage bath.

This is so interesting. They has a sink installed in almost all of the 9 bedrooms.

Maybe they have sinks b/c there are 9bds. and only 4 baths?

The primary bedroom has a little turret room sitting area.

Stairs to more bedrooms in the attic.

There's the sink.

Bath in the attic.

Cute little room would also make a nice studio.

This place has to have been a venue b/c this pavilion is also on the property. Has a lot of potential.

The property is in a beautiful location on the Brudenell River and the lot it's on is 11.20 acres.

[wrathkitty]

Story/Series Masterlist

Hellooo! Thanks for stumbling onto this. My fandoms primarily are The Mandalorian and Star Trek: TNG, but there's also The Last of Us, Avengers, Portal 2, and The Good Place. I try to stick as closely to the original source material as possible, I know the canon and the characters, and probably throw in more Easter eggs and other blink-and-you'll-miss-it references than I should.

If you're one for strong and snarky Readers/OFCs (here there be swearing), slow burns (envision a glacier), angst (it's a good kind of pain), and humor (lulz), then this is probably a good place to come waste some time. 👻

* Current works in progress *

Short Debts Make Long Friends - (The Mandalorian; Din Djarin/Reader)

An over-educated, underpaid millennial finally gets to go on her first adventure. 1.6k kudos on Ao3. POV Mando and Reader.

Why Don't You Sit Right Down and Stay Awhile - One-shots from "Short Debts" that admittedly are the walking definition of 'crack treated seriously'

- Can Your Helmet Play Elevator Music? - Oh, This is Much Worse- ...It was a Custom Piece

Completed stories:

Hello, My Dear - (Star Trek: TNG; Reader/Q)

Stories of the life and times of Q and his mortal more-than-just-a-friend, Ensign Reader. Because being omnipotent doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to relationships. POV Q and Reader.

As Q Like It - One-shots from "Hello, My Dear," which primarily remain within in TNG but also wander into Voyager and other territories, but none beyond the Neutral Zone

- Shoo, Q! - TNG; Lower Decks; POV Ensign - Does the Other Party In This Scenario Go By Some Form of Epithet, Identification, or Nomenclature? - TNG; POV Data - You Have Three Choices - TNG; POV Q - That Wasn't the Actual Question - TNG; POV Reader - Do I Always Have to Have a Reason to Stop By? - TNG; POV Reader - I Haven't the Vaguest Idea of What You're Talking About - TNG, POV Q - Silver Q - Picard, POV Q

To My Brother, Thor, Whom I Slept With - (Avengers; Loki & Thor)

One-shots about the shenanigans of a young Loki and Thor, and why the young princes of Asgard are the best birth control ever. Primarily Loki's POV, but also occasionally POV Odin and Frigga regretting their choices)

- Great Aunt Snotra's Funeral- A Midnight Lesson in the Current Events of Midgard - The People vs. The Brothers Odinson, or That Time Loki Thought It Was a Bright Idea to Appear on Daytime TV - One Flew Over the Ravens' Nest (Even the Gods Can Be - Psychoanalyzed)

Come Downstairs and Say Hello - (Portal 2; Chell/Wheatley)

With Wheatley in tow, Chell might as well write "DISPENSE PRODUCT HERE" on her shirt and throw herself in front of a turret...but she can't leave him behind, either. POV Chell, Wheatley, and GLaDOS.

Other works in progress that I don't have the heart to admit to myself are probably on permanent hiatus:

Bang, Zoom, Straight to the Moon - (The Last of Us; Joel/OFC)

Joel has been more than happy to let Ellie sabotage his love life since their arrival in Jackson, but all bets are off after she learns that the town’s most recent arrival is a former astronaut. The new gal is smart, single, pretty, and good with a gun. And she’s gone to mother *fucking* space. Joel POV.

Lucky Denver Mint - (Logan Lucky; Clyde Logan/OFC)

The stars over Boone County never looked brighter than the night a pretty astrophysicist walked into Clyde Logan’s bar. Clyde POV.

The Sleazy Place - (The Good Place)

The possibility of Michael never making into the Good Place is why Janet [literally] reassemble the Soul Squad - and what they owe Michael is why Eleanor doesn't hesitate to team up with her friends one last time to try and save their favorite former fire-squid. Eleanor POV. ...She just needs to finish that margarita first.

Like what you see? Please reblog and comment! I love comments.

[coldgoldlazarus]

Okay, mostly done screeching in excitement, now it's analysis time.

First point: That purple blast of the turret getting taken out looks great.

Looks like we're opening hot, a lot like Corruption's beginning. Hopefully won't be quite as protracted as the Norion battle, though, lol.

Also, I've seen some jokes already about how this section will end with Samus getting depowered like the openings of Prime and Echoes, but given how barebones her arsenal seems to be here, (missiles and morph ball, which sometimes she just starts with and keeps, maybe bombs too) I don't expect that to happen.

The HUD and helmet edges are a lot more dialed back this time, pushed as far into the corners as they can go. Probably better for visibility this way, but I am gonna miss the more wraparound feel of the previous setup, with the missile count and hazard meter along the sides. But this isn't a bad look by any means, and we still have a fair few items here.

A & B: My bet is this is the replacement for the old hazard meter. In addition to keeping it out of the way, putting it right next to the motion tracker is a good move. I may actually remember to use that more this way.

C: Health bar is obvious, of course, but I really like the move of tucking it away into the notch on the top of the Echoes/Corruption/Beyond(!) helmet visor. The lines around it suggest an empty row above, undoubtedly for the energy tank pips once those are picked up.

D & E: Minimap is present as usual, not really much to say there, but I love the addition of a compass direction scroll beneath it, which should be helpful for putting places in context of the broader map. (Tallon IV's elevator label system, anyone?)

F: Missile count has been shunted down from the side to the bottom corner. I'm interested to see if it will grow upward, or just stay in its present spot and scale accordingly, as you collect more expansions.

G: This is the one everyone's already pointed out, but it seems that we won't have a visor OR beam swap readout.

Scan Visor is still an option as shown in the next bit, but based on the lack of an indicator in the hud, it's probably just going to be a toggle between that and combat, without anything else like X-Ray or Thermal or Echo or what have you. (Or it could be that that would only get added to the HUD after picking up a third visor, but I won't hold my breath for it.) Kinda disappointing to deemphasize one of the cool new mechanics the Prime subseries brought to the table, on one hand, but I'm still grateful to have the Scanner, and the extra ones always did struggle a bit to see much use.

Similarly, a bit disappointed this means we're probably looking at a stacking beam like in Corruption and the 2D games, (unless of course beam swapping is still there and just being left off the HUD until relevant for the sake of cleanliness #copium) but not entirely surprising; I'll live.

But what is interesting is what's there instead. The D-Pad seems to be tied to non-Beam weapons or tools instead, with the missile launcher as the only one available at present. I'm really curious to see what the other items will be; I imagine this is going to be Prime 4's unique spin on things. I saw someone suggest affinity weapons like in Hunters, but given those all function like Beams, it feels weird to me to set them against Missiles instead, ammunition requirements notwithstanding. I'm not going to rule those out, of course, but I could see this being something completely different entirely.

Again, I am very glad to see the Scan Visor is still here at least. Even better is that it uses the full-body highlighting of objects like Echoes and Corruption instead of Prime 1's icons. Pretty minimalistic layout, all told; I like that the scanning bar is a ring now. And it doesn't reflect Samus's face by default like in Corruption, which makes sense since we're not liable to have the same kind of mutation shenaniganry happening here.

I forgot to snag a screencap of this bit on my computer, so forgive the lower quality, but this scene is interesting for a few reasons.

The Pirates' breaching charges letting them into this room just as Samus passes through a gap in the wall overhead is a nice touch, and also remniscent of some sequences from early on in Corruption.

The Federation guys in here seem to be wheeling away someone or something on a stretcher in a hurry. That could be important.

Energy tank up in the rail section, but blocked by a box. Are we just going to bomb through to get it right away, or will we drop down into the room, and have to come back from the other direction to pick it up? (Please be the other direction)

Samus looking spiffy here, even at a distance. And as some have pointed out, looks like she's walking out of a portal instead of a door, pointing to either more dimension-hopping shenanigans like in Echoes, or possibly the time travel elements I recall hearing Tanabe wanted to play with at some point. (This plus the black hole look of the logo makes me think this could be more likely.)

Whatever the nature of the portal, though, the interesting thing to me is the sort of circular structure in the rock around it, suggesting a doorframe almost. A lot of the portals on Aether seemed to actively cut into the environment at random, the rock carved out in perfect spheres with fucked-up edges, and interrupting the pre-existing architecture or geology. In contrast, this looks like it was put here on purpose, implying a more controlled creation. Potentially really fascinating implications in that.

I also kinda wonder if these portals will be replacing elevators as a way to get between regions.

Ignoring the big numbers in the middle, (though they do kinda mess with my prediction that Prime 4 was going to be a 2024 holiday title to avoid getting eaten by Switch 2's inevitable 3D Mario launch title,) a couple things stand out to me here.

Giant tree in the background is giant, and I love it for that. Also looks like it's not the only giant tree here, even if still probably the biggest. I hope we get to go there later.

But in addition, we have a bridge in the middle distance, and a tunnel opening in the foreground. I will eat my hat if we don't get to cross that bridge, and my bet is that they're going to pull a similar trick here as with Skytown, letting low-poly versions of other "rooms" be visible from the current one, but dividing them with interior sections for optimization reasons, allowing for amazing landscapes of all traversible terrain. I loved that there, it looks great here, I can't wait to go explore all this myself next year.

[tegu-the-tegu]

Flavoured Artificer Concepts

Artificer is by FAR my favourite class in Dungeons and Dragons, primarily for how customisable they can be with regards to their flavour; because of the ability to cast through any tools you are proficient in, it gives a LOT of range to how your magic works. As such, I will put some ideas I have had to build unique Artificers.

An Artillerist that uses woodworking to carve totems; they are flavoured as a tribal shaman that summons the spirits of magical creatures to aid in battle. Their flamethrower turret conjures a dragon spirit to burn their foes, their protector turret calls the spirit of a unicorn to protect the virtuous, and their ballista invokes a manticore spirit to pepper distant foes with spikes. Their other spells can also be flavoured this way, such as Thunderwave being flavoured as an Aerosaur spirit emerging from a totem and flapping its wings to blow enemies away!

A Battlesmith that uses leatherworking to create a horrific stitched Frankenstein's monster for their steel defender. Every time they kill things, they skin the corpses to repair their hideous flesh monster. Or, if you prefer, you could stick with the shamanistic theme from the Artillerist entry, and use leatherworking to maintain the pelt of the first wolf you killed; its spirit inhabits that pelt, and defends you to this day!

An Alchemist that uses chef's tools to create supernaturally delicious food that cures illnesses and grants supernatural abilities. I have actually played this, he used brewers supplies to create caustic acidic drinks, had peppers so hot that it made your breath ignite to cast fire spells, and he would spray sticky toffee over the area for web. He would make food puns, and was named Guido Fiero.

An Armorer that uses jeweller's tools to create bling that imbues them with magical powers. A circlet that grants a force field, a ring that shoots lightning, a pair of bracelets that create thunderous shockwaves when brought together. Then, when you hit level 9, you can have distinct infusion tied to each one! A circlet or diadem or whatever for head armour, necklace for chest armour, anklets for boots, and bracelets or rings for the weapon! Perfect for a wealthy nobleman artificer who wants to broadcast their glamorous lifestyle.

There are loads of other things you can do with each tool proficiency, and it's a shame that the class is so easily pigeonholed into "The Tech Class". Not to say I don't like the gnomish tinker that creates fantastical and crazy gizmos to mimic magical effects. Hell, my character in the campaign I'm not DMing is exactly that, an autognome (Flavoured to look like a normal gnome in the face, so they appear normal when wearing their clothes) that woke up one day in a tinker's lab next to his deceased creator, and then left to try and find a purpose in the world. He has an insect motif, so all of his spells and things are flavoured as small clockwork insects he makes.

But the point is, while that's a staple of the Artificer class fantasy, there are loads of other ideas to flavour it! A calligrapher that writes arcane runes in the air, a potter with a terracotta soldier for a steel defender, a weaver that knits arcane circles, a painter whose drawings become magical effects, a glassblower whose glass figurines come to life, I can't think of one for cartographer's tools, but I bet there is a dope idea in there somewhere!

Even as I mentioned before with leatherworking, you can have the exact same class, the exact same subclass, and the exact same tool, and STILL have wildly different flavour! One is Doctor Frankenstein, the other is a mystical shaman with a spirit guide!

Anyway, that's today's rambling. I would also do a thing on subclasses the Artificer could have, given they only have four, but that's a whole other rant. Besides, this is already a thesis.

[thenightfolknetwork]

Shortly after my 7th untimely demise, I came into a bit of money, and decided to spend it on a small 19th-century estate. It’s a gorgeous house, complete with turrets and everything. The turrets were, ah, fully collapsed when I first arrived, and the rest of the house wasn’t in much better shape, but I knew it was a fixer-upper and was confident I could handle it. And I was right! There were certainly some surprises along the way, but a few months ago, I was finally able to start moving in.

As often happens with these sorts of properties, there were some pre-existing tenants that weren’t listed on the contract. My bedroom has an enchanted mirror permanently bound to the wall, the stables house twin 11-year-old ghosts, the kitchen has a automatically-refilling bowl of perpetually fresh apples, and the library fireplace foretells visions of doom—not to mention Stain, the black cat (…I’m pretty sure she’s just a regular cat, but she’s still very much a figure of the property).

It’s. So. Much fun. I was worried I’d get lonely! But now, I can get ready for the day while having a lovely chat with the mirror, snag an apple from the kitchen, go read a book in the library and tell the fireplace that they’re looking particularly unnerving this afternoon, and then chop vegetables for dinner while supervising the kids’ potion-making—I usually don’t care for children, but these two are delightfully precocious, and it’s been a while since I’ve had apprentices. And Stain—she’s wrapped around my shoulders while I write this—she looks like she got hit by a car! She’s adorable.

We all have our spats, but the estate is big enough for us to have our own spaces, and we’re all doing our best to ~communicate~, as you like to say. It’s going swimmingly. Except.

Like most old properties, the house has collected a fair amount of dust over time. In this case, though, all those dust bunnies turned… sentient. Overall, they’re perfectly pleasant to the rest of us, but like to be left to their own devices and aren’t keen on doing what others want. I certainly won’t be judging them for it.

However, while the estate was left to fall into disrepair, the rifts that developed were—are—oh, how do I say this. Well. I probably shouldn’t beat around the bush. I’m having, er, dust bunny gang wars? In my house? And I am fed up with it! The mirror needs cleaning twice a day, the apples have to be washed before eating, Stain’s getting frankly concerning hairballs, and the twins—! Actually, they seem to be rather well-adjusted. I think they may be betting on the fights with the fireplace.

Anyway. As for me, in most of the house, the turf allotments are pretty stable. Not so for the room directly under my bedroom. Practically every other day in there’s a dust bath, and I just can’t sleep with all of the snapping and coordinated dancing and bloodcurdling screams going on.

I’d like to be able to finish moving in to my home. I was even hoping to set up my spinning wheel in that room, but I can’t expose all of those loose fibers to the dust. I am very literally losing sleep over this. What should I do?

Oh, reader. What a frustrating situation! I would like to commend you for your commitment to sharing your home with its previous occupants, and in your success at building a home together you can all enjoy. At least, most of the time.

I understand that the dust bunny population prefer to keep to themselves and enjoy their own autonomy. And I think you're right to respect that preference, to a degree. But their behaviour is now infringing unacceptably on the peace and comfort of your home's other residence. Enough is enough.

Your first step it to try and open lines of communication between yourself and the bunnies. A simple communication ritual should suffice. Set yourself up with a talking board and few candles, and see if you can encourage the bunnies to speak to you directly.

If you're thinking this sounds rather similar to methods used to contact the more antisocial members of the spirit community, you'd be correct. You are trying to speak to sentient dust, and statistically speaking, household dust is largely composed of dead skin cells. A little light necromancy should see you well on your way to negotiating a lasting peace.

As with any peace negotiation, there will be compromises. Before you start this process, think carefully about what you are and aren't willing to give up – and what it is, precisely, you're asking for.

Are you trying to claim the spare room as your own territory, or declaring it a no man's land? Do you intend to act as an intermediary between dust bunny factions, mediating for a broader peace, or are you simply trying to put limits on how these factions behave in the shared spaces of your home?

With clarity of purpose and a commitment to communication and compromise, I think you'll be able to find your way to a solution that works for everyone. If no solution is forthcoming, you might consider a small show of force to encourage co-operation. A new vacuum cleaner, featured in a prominent position in the contested territory, for example.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Plant the flag: A story from the glorious adventures of the mixed species 17th Engineer Battalion

continuation of https://www.tumblr.com/niqhtlord01/651132984410456064/humans-are-weird-merging-multiple-species-into?source=share

“Here are the latest base reports, sir.”

Commander Zavar opened his eyes and saw the stack of files the clerk had laid on his desk. It was easily the length of his arm and contained every detail of events for the last week on his base. He sighed loudly and dismissed the clerk as he reached to the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out a bottle of Nebulion liquor.

The bottle had been given to him by his then commander as a congratulation gift for being promoted to commander and given command over this military base. Zavar had told himself he would save it for a special occasion, but now with the bottle half empty it was the only thing keeping him sane these last few months.

It had been nearly two months since the “human” reinforcements had arrived to reinforce his base for the upcoming offensive. Before they had arrived his weekly reports could be summarized on a single page of paper. With the human mixed species battalion roaming his base the list of reports and incidents had grown to what he now saw dominating his desk.

He poured himself a glass and began to casually go through the reports; his glass needing refilling after making it every three or so reports in.

A report from the base head chef making complaints for the food requirements for the Drone warrior named “Dro”, with a citation of an incident were the head chef forgot to lock the meat locker and returned to find Dro devouring some twenty pound of frozen meat.

A report from the supply officer reporting an increase in missing equipment and supplies from the depot with a notation that they believe the Globnites are responsible. The supply officer entered the human contingent barracks and found several of the listed missing items, yet the human forces claim no knowledge as how they arrived there.

A report stating one of the unused training areas had been converted into a Combra battle pit and that several Combra soldiers held routine bouts against any challengers. Numerous humans have been seen congregating around the area and have begun placing bets on matches.

A report from the Valmorian medic requesting more medical supplies to treat the injuries from said battle pit fights.

A report comprised by several of his own officers refusing to deal with the Flinchestet communication specialist of the 17th citing numerous instances of unfruitful discussions that devolve into the Flinchestet mocking them for their “underdeveloped minds”.

Zavar read report after report after report, slowly chipping away at the contents of the bottle, until finally the bottle ran empty and the commander shoved the pile of reports off his desk in a loud clutter.

Ever since the human contingent of soldiers had come to his base it had been a never ending series of headaches. It was true that the engineers had expanded the base and reinforced it heavily with new perimeter walls, turrets, trenches, and automated drone alert systems; but for every improvement they made the battalion itself made two more problems. Worse still was the friction that they were creating with his forces. It was taking all of his command training to keep his own forces in line from turning their weapons on the human contingent.

The Galaxian’s were largely a conservative species preferring strict discipline within their military ranks. So being forced to operate alongside the mixed species battalion the humans had sent them, with their wildly different traditions and practices, they were put under a daily mental strain.

He had previously called in the human contingent’s leader, the Kliptec Lt. Colonel Reginal Seth, but their discussions over the matter were anything but fruitful.

“The human government has recognized all the traditions of its citizens,” the Lt. Colonel had begun when Zavar had called him into his office to discuss the seemingly out of control behavior of their allies, “regardless of if the genetics of said citizen.”

Zavar rubbed his eyes to ease the pain of remembering the meeting. It had been like talking to a brick wall.

“Your soldiers are out of control.” Zavar had stated bluntly. “Either you need to rein them in or I will be forced to do so.”

“You lack the authority to issue orders to me or my men.” The Lt. Colonel countered. “We may be allies here, but as I stated on the landing fields when we first arrived my battalion only takes orders directly from our government.”

The Kliptec could barely fit inside his office at the time. Though their upper humanoid body remained in front of his desk, Zavar had noted with mild interest that the lower reptilian portion of his body had continued to slide back and forth across the floor as if it couldn’t be bothered to hold still. It was frankly a disturbing and insulting.

“In the spirit of our alliance I will do better to, limit, my soldiers interactions with yours to prevent further conflict.” The Kliptec remarked dryly, “But understand that should you or one of your officers attempt to order them around I cannot guarantee that things will end well for you.”

He looked Zavar directly in the eye to show that he was deadly serious. “That drone that unnerved your men before, Dro, he in particular is not fond of strangers and I would hate for one of your men to be mistaken for lunch by him.”

That had been the last official face to face contact that Galaxian had held with the human contingent leader. True to their word the interactions between the human contingent and the Galaxian’s had diminished, but the friction was still there.

“Human contingent” Zavar thought to himself in disgust. What a confusing notion.

One would believe humans would use humans as their primary soldiers, and Zavar had heard many a tale about their professionalism. Yet when he was given reinforcements from humanity they turn out to be alien species that had settled in human territory and gained citizenship.

Instead of professionals he had been given squabbling children. Instead of discipline he had been given chaos in a bottle. Instead of-

“Commander Zavar, urgent message from Galaxian command.”

His clerk’s voice cut off the drunken spiral of depression and the base commander straightened up. “This late?” he asked as he pulled himself together and tried to shake off the grogginess.

The holographic projector built into his desk activated and commander Zavar listened with a dread he had not felt in some time. --------------------

The first signs Lt. Colonel Reginal Seth knew something was wrong was when he was awoken by the sounds of warning sirens going off around the base. The second and more obvious sign was when the door to his quarters was suddenly kicked in by his second in command.

“The Galaxians are up to something.” Colonel O’Brian stated as Reginal blinked his eyes clear. “They’ve not said anything to us but every one of them is assembling on the landing fields right now.”

Turning to see his clock listing it far too early in the morning Reginal let out a long sigh as he untangled himself and donned his uniform.

“I swear if this is another drill meant to show off Galaxian superiority I might just tell Dro to eat him.” This got a stifled chuckle out of O’Brian. He had served with the Lt. Colonel since the battalions founding back on earth and though he had been hesitant to take orders from a non-human the prejudice and suspicion gave way to trust and loyalty.

The pair left the officers barracks and went to the landing pads. Reginal was surprised to see O’Brian’s statement was far from an overstatement. Nearly every Galaxian on the base was seemingly standing at the ready on the landing pads while their commander Zavar was marshaling a series of ground transports loading up hardware.

Reginal tapped O’Brian on the shoulder and pointed towards the Galaxian commander and his second in command pulled the vehicle up alongside them.

“Commander” the Lt Colonel greeted as he exited the vehicle and snapped a quick salute. The Galaxian returned a quick salute but otherwise failed to respond in any other way.

“Would you mind telling me what is going on?” Reginal asked again, this time louder to be heard over the roaming transport vehicles passing by. Commander Zavar turned to Reginal, his face grim.

“Within the last hour I have just received intelligence that our enemies have broken through the front lines and are sending several military contingents to capture this base.”

Another transport drove by and Zavar waited before continuing. “I have been ordered to evacuate all military personnel and material to a safer location.”

“You do not intend to defend the base?” O’Brian asked. “What the hell was the point of our being here if not to hold this base?”

It looked like O’Brian was about to go into a further heated triad when Reginal forestalled him. “We have not received any such orders or intelligence with regards to these new developments.”

“Our intelligence network is superior.” The Galaxian commander stated much to the ire of everyone else present. “And since we do not share the same chain of command there was no need to share such information with you at this time.”

Reginal bit back a rather unbecoming remark at this.

Turning to O’Brian he gave the order for the entire battalion to assemble on the landing fields as well. ------------------------

Roughly two hours passed and both the Galaxian forces and the 17th Engineer Battalion were now both assembled on the landing pads within the base. Each eyed the other with a mixture of distaste but remained silent until Reginal stepped before his men.

“I imagine many of you are wondering why we are here right now.” The Lt. Colonel began as he addressed his men.

“Late last night Commander Zavar received a priority transmission stating that enemy forces had breached the frontline and were making for this base to capture it.”

This drew several murmurs within the 17th but Reginal held up for silence as he continued.

“In response to these recent developments Zavar has been ordered to abandon the base and retrieve as much military personnel and property as he can back to a safer location.”

It was here that the reptilian commander paused. He looked out over his men; soldiers he had known for some time now yet had never graced the fields of war in true fashion. Until now……

“We of the 17th will be staying.”

This drew several gasps from both contingents and Zavar made to step forward and openly question the Lt. Colonel’s decision but was blocked by a waiting O’Brian.

‘We have received no new orders from command, and so we shall continue with our original order to defend and hold this base until such a time as ordered otherwise.”

Reginal motioned to one of the soldiers in the front ranks holding the battalion colors. Zavar saw it was the Draxic who had originally been carrying the heavy weapons unit across his shoulders as easily as a child holding a frozen cone when the 17th had first arrived at the base.

The Lt. Colonel nodded to the Draxic who then took the flag pole, raised it high into the air, and then brought it down with such force that the pole broke through the landing pad concrete. The sounds of the impact made many of the Galaxian’s jolt in surprise while the 17th contingent looked on in silence as their commander spoke once more.

“There is a story of the first battle the 17thengineer battalion ever fought in that I wish to share with you.” Reginal started. “They had been surrounded and cut off from their allies. Their commander saw the shadow of defeat slowly creep in and so ordered their flag be planted into the ground that they stood upon.”

“He said to them “So long as this flag does not touch the ground we are not defeated. So long as this flag flies high our enemies will know the folly of their failure to think they could defeat us. I look out at you now and in every man here I see a hero ready to strike down a hundred men before they should fall and send the planet trembling with their passing.””

‘I look out to you all now and though many of us are not human I still see the heroes our forbearers spoke of within each of you. I see warriors gathered from across the stars from a dozen different worlds that can shatter mountains and move rivers with a brush of your arms. I see heroes ready to carve their names and deeds into the heart of the galaxy itself.”

“So we shall stay, we shall meet our enemy head on and not flee, we shall shatter them upon our defenses, and we shall emerge victorious and show them that the soldiers of the 17th Engineer Battalion are mother fuckers not to be messed with!”

A thunderous chorus of cheers came from the soldiers of the 17th. The Galaxians watched in disbelief as the voices of a dozen different languages cried out for the prospect of the coming annihilation as if it was the greatest moment in their lives.

Commander Zavar watched and grunted. The fools would be dead by weeks end.

[inthemiddle0feverywhere]

Bad Batch Season 3 Episode 5 (scattered) thoughts and first impressions (ramblings)

Major spoilers under the cut

This one is also very long because mannnnnnn did I love this episode and omg do I have big feelings about it

Also yes I do love each member of tbb but in case it’s not obvious I’m a crosshair girlie. Have been since I first heard his voice in season 7 of tcw so this is gonna be very crosshair centric (because he finally has screen time and more than like 2 speaking lines this season!!)

Lula! 🥰🥰

Is Omega in a supply closet? Whatever better than her barren room at the lab

Ah nope her old “room” the gun turret 🥰🥰

A glimpse of mornings on board the marauder: peaceful boys and caf 🥹 probably only peaceful again now that omega is home

This is Omega’s best look omg the the crocheted vest??? I wanna cosplay her now or actually just wear this outfit fr

At first I was so annoyed they kept crosshair in this ugly ass outfit but I honestly think it’s because even though it’s warm on Pabu he’s always cold because he’s so skinny now (well he always was lean but this is a testament to how much weight he lost as a prisoner) They keep trying to feed him fruit and my man keeps using it as target practice 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I honestly love when they show scenes through like either a scope or helmet visor. Like I really love seeing what they’re seeing. In this case AZI (so happy they took him from Cids bar- sorry “parlor”….it was a dive bar)

He’s so mad at his hand 😭 my poor baby he really should let AZI look at it. What do we think it is? Nerve damage? I imagine it feels tingly like when your foot falls asleep.

I love that Batcher loves him!! Animals know good people. He’s a good man Savannah! 😭😭😭 and he likes Batcher too and anyone that’s kind to animals is ok by me.

Ugh Crosshair teaching Omega about being a sniper 🥰🥰😭🥰😭🥰 one day she’s just gonna pop out with a sick trick shot lmao

Shouldn’t have given him his rifle??? Sir it’s an extension of him, it’s like you gave him back one of his body parts

“Omega trusts him and that’s good enough for me” Wrecker!!! My sweet boy!! Big man and even bigger heart. He’s now kinda caught in the middle he wants to be cool with Crosshair again but doesn’t want to betray Hunter they’ve been through a lot just the 2 of them these past several months. Crosshair and Hunter are like parents in the middle of a divorce 😭

53%???? Fuckkkkkkk way worse than we thought

Echo!!!!! Yay mom came home!

“No hug for me” screaming crying throwing up! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 💔💔💔💔he’s disguising it as sarcasm but he wants it, he wants a hug! SOMEBODY HUG HIM DAMMIT! I volunteer!!! Please

Omega between her 2 dads 🥰 (Though is Crosshair more wine aunt vibes sometimes?) And batcher by Crosshair’s feet of course

Yummmmm I bet Pabu has banging sushi 🍣 Love Wrecker being an unbothered king enjoying his sush🥰

😭😭😭😭😭 Crosshair’s face when Echo mentioned Tech. He knows. He knows he fell or perished (shh no 🤡) trying to save him. They’re twins and he lost his other half and I’m devastated!! 😭

Haaaaa welcome to parenting a teenager Hunter!!!

Are Hunter’s eyes green all of a sudden?

Crosshair being the voice of reason?? I love seeing this side of him. I HC that since he is silent and highly observant he was a voice reason often for the batch. (Can we please get a series of TBB during the clone wars?? Or like when they were cadets or something. We only see them in 4 episodes in tcw and they were just an insane suicide squad who hated regs and didn’t follow orders or have anyone in charge of them like I wanna see their adventures and their dynamic and how they are when they have downtime! Please lucasfilmmmmmm 🙇‍♀️🧎🏼‍♀️)

“I’m older than you are, little brother” 😂😂😂 and she got crosshair to chuckle lol ugh I love their dynamic so much. They are really feeding us rn (please don’t take it away)

Omg he’s so brave bringing them back there! To that freaking ice planet where nothing but trauma happened for Crosshair. I know he probably wished he would never have to go back there again but he knows this will help so he goes anyway

The old armor!!!! Helllllll frickinnnn yeaaaaaa (he’s so hot in armor omg I have a headache)

“Take a guesssssss” 🥵

“He started it” 😂😂 major youngest sibling energy

Mayday’s helmet! 💔💔💔💔 somebody sedate me!! 😭

Why can’t Hunter sense the Wyrm?

TOOTHPICK!!! Wrecker defo kept his toothpicks in the armor case 🥰

Frickin ice vulture always an omen. (Animals seem to really like Crosshair though even the scary ones)

“I know you” 😭 I know Hunter meant it in a “I know you’re sneaky and closed off and I’m expecting the worst from you right now ” but it just hit me harder than that. “I know you”- you’re my brother, the youngest I’ve known you since the day you were born. “I know you- I know there’s more to your silence I know your still waters run way deeper than you let on.” “I’m your brother- I know you talk to me I know you”❤️‍🩹

Oh shitttttt thems are fightin words yes let it out everyone

“I’ll do it! 😁” Wreckerrrr I love you

Hunter’s fast af boi!

Batcher is actually ripped af 💪

Ok petition that Cross doesn’t yell anymore it doesn’t suit him at all lmaoooo

Poor Wrecker yes it’s always ALWAYS a huge monster 😭

“Fantastic” 😂😂😂

Omg this is a roller coaster of emotions! Crosshair being soft with Batcher, the nodding! Ugh nothing like fending off a giant ice wyrm to bring bros back together

He’s so pretty shut up I know his head is shaped like a lightbulb

AAHH THERES THE HUG 🥰

progress 😌

“I thought I was being a good soldier 😔” * *pterodactyl screeching *

Welp Im deceased, fed and nurtured but dead at the same time.

Thank you thank you thank you for these past few episodes. Us Crosshair girlies were really in pain seasons 1 and 2

[coyotejone-s]

i'm insane. rubber rats and such. here's my thoughts on who the reds and blues would main in tf2 vs whose place they would take in a potential au. spoiler: they ARE different. and also i'm not making the au, but if you wanna do it feel free to use this as a guideline.

disclaimer: i'm a walking tf2 encyclopedia... for the lore and comics. i HAVE played it of course, but i'm by no means an expert on strategy and such, so contesting my knowledge on that end is more than welcome.

RED TEAM

Grif

Main: jumps around a bit, but always comes back to heavy because he's got high health and decent damage rates. mostly follows simmons around because no one wants to fuck with the battle medic. that being said, he CAN hold his own (he's actually REALLY good at the game) and watches simmons' back like a hawk. and his other teammates' too i guess (silly).

Place: heavy. big dude, cares for his family, wouldn't be doing this in an ideal world. also he deserves a big gun. RIP the grifshot.

Simmons

Main: as mentioned, he'd be a battle medic, and a fucking TERRIFYING one at that. definitely puts a lot of time into it, and it absolutely pays off. has one of the best k/d ratios purely because he's just fucking going for it. it looks like luck but every second is strategized to an embarrassing degree. this makes him feel powerful. god forbid someone kill grif, because he'll hunt them down for the rest of the match.

Place: medic. he deserves to be unhinged. we've all seen how he is on the warthog turret.

Sarge

Main: soldier. he's got rocket jumping down to a perfect science. he is defying gravity. he has discovered some sort of secret technique to perfectly optimize speed and distance while minimizing damage. he will never tell anyone what it is and he will show it off at any chance for the rest of time. thus, he never fucking plays any other class.

Place: soldier. there is nothing to be said that hasn't been said already.

Donut

Main: this one's tough actually. i think he'd flip between pyro, demo, scout, and soldier. he likes the fast-paced gameplay, and is pretty decent at all of them.

Place: scout! he's got a hell of a throwing arm! i'd be willing to bet he was in little league as a kid. i could have better reasoning but i had to switch him when i switched tucker.

Lopez

Main: engineer. it's familiar, trying to keep things fixed and running while a bunch of idiots run around and fuck things up. can often be seen rancho relaxing next to at least 2 fully-upgraded sentries like 30 seconds into the match.

Place: engineer. same reasons, same play style.

BLUE TEAM

Church

Main: good god, he tries to main sniper, but he's so fucking bad at it. gets backstabbed all the fucking time. he's too stubborn to stop. to his credit, though, he's pretty damn good with the melee and smg.

Place: sniper. again, he's not GOOD at sniping, but he's good enough with the subweapons that he qualifies.

Tucker

Main: probably scout. he likes being fast and annoying. it's not really that deep LMAO. i think he plays like me: running directly into the line of fire and just trying to hit as many people as possible before dying. a tried and true strategy. unfortunately, as such, his k/d ratio is impressively terrible.

Place: demoman. initially i wanted to place him as scout, but then i thought about eyelander and the energy sword and it won me over because i love eyelander. i think he'd try to demoknight and be really bad at it GHSJASKHGSA.

Caboose

Main: listen to me. you can put him in any class and he'll kick fucking ass. he has every perfect strategy mapped to muscle memory or something. he's a fucking enigma. no one can beat him. if caboose is on your team, you are almost guaranteed a win.

Place: pyro. it's the whimsy.

Kai

Main: i think she'd main spy purely so she can cloak and watch everyone else run around like idiots. occasionally she gets a kill in, but that's mostly when they stumble close enough to her. she can be very efficient when she wants to be, but mostly she's here for the drama. she has a screenshot folder of grif and simmons doing gay shit. it's... massive.

Place: spy. she gets to serve cunt, be bisexual, and kill people. what more could a girl want???

MISC

Disclaimer: Locus and Felix do not have a place to take due to a lack of main-enough characters. Sorry!

Wash

Main: look at me. i think wash is exceptionally bad at most of the classes. he does his best, but they just escape him. he's pretty good with pyro, but he sees pyro as overly easy with little challenge (no offense to caboose). against all odds, i think he's best at engineer, and surprisingly good at it! usually he follows lopez around (because lopez knows what he's doing), but about half the time he'll be on his own and tentatively killing it.

Place: ms pauling. in season 10, he mostly follows carolina around, dragging the reds and blues with him and following the majority of her orders. remind you of someone?

Carolina

Main: also tends to jump around, but prefers support classes. she'll join whichever team she thinks needs the most support at the time. half the time she'll be on the sidelines, cloaked and watching her idiots fuck around.

Place: the administrator! she's the most properly take-charge of all of them. i'd imagine she inherited the position from the director.

Doc

Main: medic, what did you expect? he's surprisingly good at offense, but prefers to stick to healing. in the event of an o'malley switch, he battle medics. he's not good at it.

Place: merasmus. he deserves wizard powers.

Locus

Main: spy. suits his style PERFECTLY. will occasionally play sniper if needed. absolutely cracked at both even though he says he doesn't play video games (this is a lie).

Felix

Main: he doesn't play tf2 because he thinks the people who play it are annoying nerds. this being said: probably either scout or sniper. scout when he feels like being an asshole, sniper when he feels like actually being efficient. either way he gets to show off.

[mantidbasil]

I have been thinking nonstop about how tf2 mercs and markiplier egos would interact now 😭

-------

Heavy, squinting down at Dr. Iplier: tiny.... tiny little doctor...? (mark is only taller than engie, maybe the same height as pyro)

------- Medic: Hey if you want I could heal your ey- The Host: NO. Medic: :( why not The Host: It's complicated Medic: Please don't tell me your eye sockets are haunted too... ------- Google: (minding his own buisiness) Engineer, visibly twitching: Hey there. (slowly pulls out screwdriver. casually approaches). Mind if I ask how you were made? ------- Spy has no interest in interacting with anyone until he finds Dark sitting in a corner drinking wine. He sits down next to them, pours himself a glass, and they just silently exchange looks. -------

PYRO AND WILFORD PYRO AND WILFORD OMG Pyro: (drawing rainbows) Wilford: Ha ha! I'm wearing rainbow suspenders!

Pyro: (burning down buildings, setting people on fire) Wilford: This is fine because death isn't real! (shoots someone)

Pyro: Mmph Mmph! Wilford: Unfortunately your subtitles haven't been translated, so ol' Warfstache here doesn't know what you're saying :(

------- Bing and Scout do skateboard tricks together. Both of them attempt a very simple trick and fail it, falling down and scraping their knees. Both insist they are the better skater, the world's best skater even.

-------

Heist Mark pulls out his bombs and his 16th Century flintlock pistol likely used by pirates for boarding actionsTM and Demoman is mildly interested. Heist Mark then proves that he has strangely extensive knowledge about medieval weaponry and Demo is much more interested. Demo pulls out Eyelander and Captain Magnum joins their little group where they all start talking about weapons and bombs.

-------

Engineer: (disappointed after having failed to get permission to take Google apart and put him back together) Head Engineer Mark: Hi there! I heard you're an engineer? I'm an engineer! Engineer: Do you. Build guns. Or robot arms. Head Engineer Mark: I mean I have the Asteroid Defense System turrets..... but actually I build a spaceship and sort of maybe a time travel universe breaking machine? Engineer: So a dangerous device that can destroy the world.... can I see the schematics?

------- I know in my SOUL Ed Edgar and Sniper hate each other but I can't elaborate. Illinois and Sniper have a very casual truce going on but ultimately Sniper does not really wanna hang out with anyone. This of course means the Jims spot him standing off to the side and think he's the perfect intervewee and at least three, maybe four Jims swarm Sniper and shove cameras and microphones inches from his face and he has a terrible time.

-------

Yandere somehow completely enchants Medic's doves and I can't elaborate on this either. Heavy is bemused. As long as Archimedes chooses Medic over Yan he's going to pretend he isn't jealous about the attention his doves are giving her. Scout goes "AWOOGA GIRL?!" and gets stabbed by Yan. Heavy is reminded of his younger sisters and is delighted.

-------

Eric Derekson is terrified of Soldier. The main two off the top of my head who are not put off by Soldier's shouting are King of the Squirrels and Yancy. Soldier corners King and is like "what are you king of?! not america. WHAT COUNTRY IS SQUIRRELS" Scout hears Yancy speak, hears the accent, and immediately throws hands.

-------

I am yap-o-clock-ing in your ask box but I needed to give you the brainrot that you've given me

OH MY GOD IM DRAWING SOME OF THESE I PROMISE YOU . I DONT KNOW WHEN ILL DRAW THEM BUT I BET YOUR ASS THEYLL BE DRAWN. KEEP YAPPING IN MY INBOX.

PLEASE. PLEASE KEEP TALKING.

TF2 x MARK EGOS BRAINROT !!!!!!!!!

[phantomdoofer]

Tower Town, Chapter 22 - The Final Slice

Part 4

Peppino paced as they waited. His and Giuseppe's groups had returned, but the Bosses were still missing. He fingered the earbud Paolo had made for them. “Come on, give-a us something…”

Then Paolo's voice echoed in their ears. “Noisette just made contact with me. They got caught downstairs. Apparently they found the Pizzamancer's monster production. They took it down.”

They looked at each other. Peppino grinned. “Well, that's a mercy.”

“Yep! I'm gonna teleport them there. Stand back.”

They all moved to the sides of the room just in time - the group popped into place.

“-get the ability t’... teleport us…” Noise trailed off - he'd obviously been mid-sentence when he'd been moved. Noise whipped around, staring at the ceiling. “A little warnin’ woulda been nice!” Noise looked around. “All right, gang’s all here, I see.”

“Sì,” Peppino said. “We don't have much time, I think. Let's compare notes.”

As they exchanged their experiences, Giuseppe handed out the earbuds to the Bosses. As the conversation trailed off, Paolo chimed in. “All right, guys, I got some good news and bad news. Good news: I found you a path up to ol’ PM’s throne room.”

“‘Throne Room?’” Pepperman said. “How absolutely pretentious.”

“That's rich, coming from you,” Noise sneered.

“Ahem,” Paolo interrupted. “Sorry, but Peppino's right - we're short on time. Bad news, it's a bit of a gauntlet to get there. And I'm pretty sure PM know she has intruders now.”

Everyone nodded. “So why hasn't he just turned the Tower against us?” Brando mused.

“Remember what I was like as Pizzahead? And what Aldo said?” Paolo said. “He's arrogant and sadistic. He likes messing with people. I'd be willing to bet he set this path up specifically.” A pause. “I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually know who's in the Tower.”

The group all exchanged glances. “All right,” Peppino said, “so we move. Now. Where's this path?”

In answer, the wall behind them opened up, and the whole group jumped away. “He thinks he's funny, putting it here,” Paolo said. “This is an elevator up to the entrance to the path. I'll guide you as much as I can - I'm trying to not make myself too obvious, so I can't make actual changes to the system. It'll be up to you. Keep those devices the gnome gave you handy, just in case PM decides to show up early.”

Peppino cracked his knuckles as he psyched himself up. All right. One last push. He looked around. “Everyone ready?”

Everyone nodded.

“All right,” Paolo said. “Get on and I'll make sure you get up there. Good luck!”

The group filed into the elevator, and the doors made a happy ding as they closed.

~~~~

The doors dinged, opened… and all hell broke loose.

Beams and bullets shot through the air as they stepped out, and everyone went evasive. 

“Jeez!” Giuseppe yelled as he dodged. “Like being back in Inferno in here!”

“Truer than you know, Sepp!” Anita said. “Look around!”

Indeed, the floor ahead of them was filled with boiling sauce.

Peppino groaned. I still have a scar from that shit! “Be careful! That stuff is hot as-a lava! It's deadly!” 

Vigilante was dodging frantically, but he was scoping the place the whole time. “I see the door! But there's no bridge!”

Pepperman bounced off a wall, destroying a turret. “I see a platform, out amongst the sauce! But… it's too far for me to reach!”

“I can do it!” Brando said, knocking away bullets and beams as he spoke. “It won't hurt me!”

Peppino looked a thing. “Are you certain, ragazzo??”

“Positive!”

Peppino nodded grimly. “Do it!”

Suddenly Pepperman grabbed the young chef. “No need to run the whole way! Alley-oop!” He launched Brando towards the platform. Brando flailed a bit as he arced through the air, landing with a strange plorch.

Despite his frantic dodging, Peppino's heart froze. Let him be OK…

Then Brando's head surfaced. He waved. “I'm OK!” He swam over to the platform, climbed out… and realized he was naked. The man blushed furiously…

“Kid!” Giuseppe yelled. “Modesty later! Survival now!” 

Brando blinked, nodded, and stomped on the large button on the platform.

A path rose through the sauce, leading to a walkway above.

Brando swam towards the path. Gus and Brick quickly rolled forward, while Peppino, Giuseppe, Pepperman, and Noise grabbed everyone else and sped across. 

As Brando surfaced, he blushed. “Anyone have some pants?”

A pair of pants and a shirt materialized in front of him. Here!” Paolo's voice. “These are fireproofed! Hurry!”

Brando quickly put them on. While farther away, the bullets and beams were still aiming for them, and they were on a narrower platform. “Velocemente, ragazzo!” Peppino said.

Finishing, the group rushed to a door, which led to a stairway. They rushed up…

The next floor was oddly mechanical. 

Peppino groaned. “Oh no, not the Factory…”

Suddenly a series of cartoonish hands grabbed them all. Several yelped as they were hauled across a wide gap… filled with mechanical versions of the monsters they'd seen for weeks. “I can get you past these, at least!” Paolo’s voice again.

“Thanks!” Peppino said.

As they landed, the floors and ceiling began slamming together. “Crushers!” Fake said. “They arrre too fast! We won't make it through! How-?”

Peppino looked up… and saw something familiar hovering overhead. “Stand under that!” He demonstrated - he stood under it, it flashed downward-

Peppino transformed into a pizza box.

Peppino slid under the crushers… but they didn't extend the whole way, and he fit perfectly. “Come-a on,” He said said in a distorted voice, “it-a feels weird, but it doesn't hurt! Hurry!”

Everyone quickly stood to let themselves be pizzafied… and slid forward. Peppino had been scouting ahead. “Be careful when it changes from floor to ceiling! You can still be crushed!”

Slipping through the cracks, they exited on the other side. “Er, how do we get back to our real forms?” Pepperman asked.

Peppino looked around. “Well, there was a… a priest of some sort before, who changed me back…”

The others looked at him incredulously. Peppino blushed. “Don't-a ask me how it-a worked, it just-a did!”

Noisette wobbled over to an alcove in the wall, with a picture of a person beside it. She stepped in…

“Hon, wait, you don't-!” Noise started.

Suddenly Noisette was her usual self. “Come on, it's fine! Kind of tickles!”

They took turns quickly unboxing themselves, then ran forward… into a wall of mechanical Bosses. Metal Peppermen, Vigilantes, Noises, and Fakes made the hallway incredibly hazardous. 

They hung behind a wall. “So, whadda we do here?” Noise growled. “Don't think we can fight ‘em all.”

Peppino snorted. “If they're like the Peppibots before, they hit hard, but they're pretty fragile. One good hit and they're scrap.” He looked at Giuseppe, Brick, and Pepperman. “We charge them, with-a everyone else following behind.”

Pepperman flexed, and Brick squeaked unusually maliciously. “I think we can handle that.” The Verduran said.

Peppino looked at the others. “Noise, you carry Noisette. Vigi, you're on Pepperman. Anita, you're with Seppe. Gus… I don't-a have to tell you. Brando, you'll be with me. Everyone ready?”

They nodded.

“Noise, be fast. These things will get back up quick if they don't break.”

“I gotcha, fat boy,” Noise said, grinning.

“All-a right.” Brando wrapped his arms around Peppino's neck. Everyone assumed their positions. “All right!” Peppino leapt out, and all the bots turned towards him. “Charge!”

The four blazed forward, bowling robots out of the way. The sound of metal snapping was deafening. Behind, Noise’s rocket roared as he followed behind. “Damn, what are these things made of, tin? They're foldin’ like paper!”

“Don't-a let them touch you, though!” Peppino called behind him. “They hit like a truck!”

Charging through a doorway, they entered a massive vertical hallway. “Mio Dio, is the whole interior hollow??” Peppino wondered.

Giuseppe, Anita, and Vigi turned, firing back into the doorway - the bots were trying to get through to them. “We gotta find a way up, fast!” Giuseppe said, gritting his teeth. 

Peppino looked around. Pretty sure I can climb that, and maybe Vigi, but what about everyone else? Then he saw a row of strange green contraptions… and smiled. ���Quick! These things will put you in a bubble! We can get up that way!”

“Er, Peppino?” Noisette said tentatively. “There's some things up there, flying around…”

Looking up and squinting, Peppino expected the small olive aliens from before… but instead, a host of nightmares flew above. They look like melting, yellow zombie dragons! His heart quailed at the sight. As he watched, one spouted a column of flame.

About that time, Paolo’s voice came through. “They're fordraggi! Cheese dragons! I had one as Pizzahead, but these are much nastier! They can pop those bubbles… and do far worse!”

“So, what-a do we do?” Peppino said. 

“I'll distract them!” Paolo said. “It'll give away how much control I have, but… just hurry!”

A series of hatches opened all along the way, and beams started shooting at the fordraggi. They turned, roaring, and attacked the guns…

“Go go go!” Paolo said. “Hurry!”

Peppino called to the door guards. “Into the bubbles! Now!”

The three turned, nodded, and charged at the bubble generators. The robots clamored through… but the whole group was already on the way up.

“Lean side to side!” Peppino yelled, trying not to throw up as he spun. “You can - urp! - maneuver around!”

The group wobbled and weaved through the distracted dragons, barely maintaining control. Several yelled as dragons took swipes at them with claws, tails, and fire. 

Finally, they reached the top. The bubbles popped with an almost comical noise, and the group flopped to the ground.

“Owww,” Noisette said - she'd landed on her head.

An outraged roar echoed from below.

Everyone turned pale. “Into the next room! Now!” Paolo yelled through the comms.

They sped into the next room… and found just a staircase. It was smooth and metallic looking, but…

Pepperman bent and examined it. “It’s… some form of ceramic? What is this?”

“Not sure,” Paolo said. “I'm examining it…” A long pause. “Pepperman's right, it's some sort of hybrid. Every time I try to examine it, I get locked out. Damn. Wish the old gnome was here. He could probably tell us. Best I can say is it's not trapped or anything.”

Then the lights came on.

“Oh, he definitely knows we're here,” Anita said.

“All right then. This is-a it. Everyone ready?” Peppino said.

They all nodded.

Then let's-a do it.”

As a group, they ascended the ornate staircase. At the top was a set of grand doors in the same material.

Peppino stood by one door, Giuseppe the other, they nodded, and pushed as one…

Without a whisper of sound, the doors slid inward.

The room beyond was a bizarre mixture of medieval style and advanced technology. In the center was a huge, ornate throne, almost grotesque in how decorated it was.

On it sat the Pizzamancer.

He lounged, leaned to the side, one leg draped over an arm. The Ninda was grinning hugely.

“Well, well, it's about time you got here. I was beginning to get bored.”

~~~~

Paolo heard the voice through the system, and felt his sauce run cold. He instantly filled with a mixture of fear and rage. You arrogant… he stopped, because he found he couldn't think of any words that would accurately describe how he felt.

Suddenly his connection was severed. All the screens around him blinked out, and the console froze. The room hummed as the entire thing powered down.

He couldn't lock me out, so he just cut the power. He looked around, for all the good it did in the stygian darkness. I'm defenseless. At least the doors are closed…

Then he felt a blast of cooler air brush across his face, and his heart skipped a beat. The doors are open!

He quietly stood, using what little knowledge of moving quietly he'd picked up to ease over to where he knew the door was, pressing up against the wall beside it. He peeped out…

A few bots rolled around, looking.

Looking for me.

Suddenly he felt a surge of energy as something grabbed hold of him, pulling him away, apart…

bwip

~~~~

The Pizzamancer gestured, and suddenly the entire group was surrounded by white flames, hovering in the air. Peppino found he couldn't move. He opened his mouth… and nothing came out.

The Pizzamancer stood, grinning maliciously. “Oh, come on, you had to know I knew you were here. I invited you. I've been watching you, the entire time.” He looked up. “Speaking of watching… my lovely little grandson is being so shy!” He looked up. “System, command: cut power to the auxiliary control room. Open the doors.” He turned back. “That ought to flush him out of his little hole. Clever of him, to hide it from scans.” He chuckled. “But not clever enough.”

Peppino felt his heart skip. They had been counting on Paolo having access to the Tower systems. 

The Pizzamancer walked up to Peppino, and the flames swirled a little closer. He knew that he was millimeters from a painful, fiery death. “Before you start spouting speeches about destiny and so on… I wanted you here. So you, the descendants of the ones who killed me, and their friends, could watch as I destroy the world. You see, I've been working on a little… project. Something that will do what my previous plague didn't.”

Peppino fought to keep his face from showing his surprise. He doesn't know Paolo destroyed the plague! He's not as omniscient as he thinks he is! If we can get out of these bindings…

The Pizzamancer stepped back. “Tower, command: teleport my grandson here.”

In a greenish flash, the Ninda appeared in between them. He spun, seeing the others wrapped in flame. The horror on his face is still so strange-looking on him, Peppino thought. 

Paolo spun back, facing his ancestor. “Dammit! Why can't you just leave us alone? Your time's over! Just let us live our lives!”

As the Pizzamancer started up a monologue, rattling on about destiny and his right to rule, Peppino saw Paolo's hand wave from behind his back… and the pen-like device they'd been given was between his fingers. He's stalling for time! But for what?

~~~~

 A few minutes before…

Paolo sat back, waiting for word that he was needed. Been awful quiet…

LISTEN TO ME

Paolo jumped - the sound seemed to be coming directly into his brain. “Who is it?”

We are the Tower

Paolo shivered. He knew now what had been done - Peppino had told him. “I'm-I'm-I’m s-sorry,” he quavered.

You too are a victim

No blame is yours to take

When the time comes we will resist

But our resistance will be short and final

Our last act of defiance before the death of our minds

Speak the phrase “Litha, rise up” and we will freeze all Tower functions for a time

The voice faded.

Use it wisely…

What was that about? Paolo wondered.

~~~~

Now Paolo knew, and he fought not to smile. You cunning old rocks knew, didn't you?

Finally, the Pizzamancer wound down. “So, how about it? You stand beside me, and I'll let you have whatever you want in the new world. Just tell me to kill them, and it's yours.” He grinned, and gestured. The group floated between them. “Well?”

Paolo thumbed the pen. It's time. He held the pen in front of him like a detonator. “No, I don't think so.” He clicked the button…

A wave of power shot out, and suddenly the flame cages disappeared, dropping them to the ground.

The Pizzamancer staggered, falling to one knee. “What… WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??” 

“Taken what you've stolen, ‘dear’ grandpa,” Paolo said. 

The Pizzamancer stood. “Damned fools… Tower-”

Paolo shouted. “LITHA, RISE UP!”

The Pizzamancer pointed. “Destroy them!”

Nothing happened. The speakers spouted gibberish, then a phrase came through clearly:

“Children, now is your time.”

The group all looked at each other, then at the Pizzamancer.

Peppino stood. “Get him!”

Almost as one, they charged or leapt at him.

The Pizzamancer flew up. “Tch! You think you have me?”

Noisette used her hammer to slam him back to the ground. “Yer not gonna destroy the world, ya ugly bastard! Not again!” 

The Pizzamancer gasped as he landed… and was met by a barrage of bombs from a grinning Noise. “Got some specials saved just fer you, asshole!”

The Pizzamancer stood, swinging his arm - Noise went flying, but Fake quickly fielded the gremlin. “Gah! Back, you - you peons!” He struck the ground, and the shaking knocked everyone off their feet.

A series of bullets hit the Pizzamancer in the eyes - Vigi was hanging on the wall, with Anita clinging to him. The two were firing rapidly. “You can't take on all of us! Don't matter how many powers you have!” Anita yelled. “You're going down, shithead!”

The Pizzamancer reeled, blinded - but then grinned maliciously, opened his mouth, and emitted a terrible shrieking noise.

Peppino, Giuseppe, and Pepperman, who had been preparing to charge him, stopped to cover their ears. Mio Dio, I think my eardrums just burst! Peppino thought - indeed, one of his hands had blood on it when he pulled it away. He looked up…

The Pizzamancer's eyes were writhing grotesquely, reforming. His grin was absolutely vile. He held out a hand, firing a massive beam towards the three…

Brando leapt in front of them, his arms crossed, and the beam shrieked as it bounced off. Smaller beams bounced off the walls, setting small fires and breaking off shards of stone. 

The entire tower rumbled.

“Non oggi, stronzo!” Brando yelled.

The Pizzamancer's face screwed up in unholy fury. “Damn it! I thought that power died with the fat one!”

Brando grinned roguishly. “I'm his descendant, stronzo!” As the beam stopped, the young man laughed heartily. “And I'm here to finish what he started.” 

Brick rolled forward, Gustavo on top, barging into the Pizzamancer. As the foul pizzaman moved to block the rat, Gus leapt off, coming down with both fists, his gnomish strength and weight stunning his target. “Fake, now!” He yelled over his shoulder.

Fake leapt over Brando's head, mouth wide, tongue lolling, their hands morphed into claws, and they swiped as they fell. The Pizzamancer's face split open - he screamed in pain, flying back into the air to give himself space.

In response, the clone leapt, their legs elongating with the force of the leap, and they pinned the Ninda to the ceiling with a tremendous crack. Huge chunks of the ceiling fell, and the fighters on the ground dodged frantically.

Grabbing the Pizzamancer, Fake flung the Pizzamancer to the ground, then launched themselves downward, expanding into the larger combat form as they fell. The Pizzamancer cried out as the massive form landed on him.

“Your reign of terror is over!” Fake roared. “You will harm no one else!”

Suddenly a wave of pure power washed out from the Pizzamancer, and Fake went flying. “Off, you useless gob of dough!”

As he stood, the Spaghetti brothers and Pepperman all hit him at once, sending him flying into his throne. “Ugh!” He had just enough time to cry out as another series of bombs impacted, the concussions of their explosions shaking the room and causing even more stone to fall. Another barrage of bullets followed, arcing and bouncing - Vigi and Anita were bouncing shots off the walls, doing their damnedest to keep the evil Ninda from predicting them.

Everyone paused - the Pizzamancer was surrounded in a cloud of smoke and dust. Unexpectedly, a barrage of small energy beams flew out of the cloud… and arced, firing towards the group. 

“Homing lasers!” Peppino yelled. Everyone began dodging frantically - Brando stood his ground, deflecting lasers as Noise and Noisette huddled near him. Pepperman took several hits - he was too large and bulky to dodge easily. Vigi, in a surprising display of agility, hopped and spun, still firing into the cloud. Beside him, Anita was too busy dodging to fire. 

Fake twisted and distorted, flexing their fluid body to dodge the blasts. They were stuck in place.

Meanwhile Peppino and Giuseppe were doing a sort of dance, frantically doing their best to keep from being killed. We can't keep this up forever! Peppino thought. 

“Cut it out, ya damn pizza!” Peppino heard Noise yell. He reached into his bag… and pulled out a truly monstrous bomb.

Peppino didn't have time to stare.

Noise cackled madly. “Didn't want t’ use this, but guess now's the time!” He hoisted it over his head. “Here ya, go, asshole! The Super Noise Special!”

He flung the gigantic bomb.

“EVERYBODY DOWN!” Noisette yelled as it arced through the air. Several beams tried to intercept it, but they simply bounced off.

Peppino fell backwards as the bomb seemed to arc over his head in slow motion…

Peppino felt the explosion more than heard it. He found himself tumbling through the air, unable to control himself…

He slammed, prone, against the back wall, sliding down to the floor. His ear rang with the force of the sound. The dust was incredible. He coughed. “Qual- *cough cough* qualcuno lì? Is anyone alive?”

A chorus of pained affirmations drifted through the cloud. “Damn, Noisey, warn a gal before ya pull that thing out, would ya?”

Peppino heard Noise chuckle. “That's *cough cough* that's what she-”

“Hate to disappoint you, but I'm fine as well,” the Pizzamancer's voice called through the dust.

A strong burst of wind blew them all back against the wall, and the dust spiraled around the room. The Pizzamancer stood, bruised and bleeding, but alive. He chuckled. “Almost, but not quite, rats.” He rolled his shoulder nonchalantly, then put his hand forward, making a “bring it” gesture.

Peppino felt his blood pressure spike. He kicked off the wall, screaming imprecations. The entire group did the same…

The Pizzamancer casually snapped his fingers. The air seemed to waver… No, the world itself is wobbling!

All of them were caught in midair, moving so slowly as to be motionless.

The Pizzamancer laughed. “Thought you had me, eh?” He stepped forward, towards Peppino, who was hanging in the air, fist cocked, his mouth open. “I have to admit, you had me a little worried. I don't usually use this one - it burns so much energy. But this way, I can just pick you off one… by…” He looked around.

“Wait. Where's the rat?”

Suddenly he was bowled over by a six-footer ball of enraged fur. Brick shrieked as she assaulted the Pizzamancer, tearing at his face with teeth and paws. 

The attack broke his concentration.

Peppino felt himself speeding back up. He flexed, concentrating all his strength into the swing of his fist…

Brick went flying, blown away by the wind. “Get off me, you- oh, no-”

Peppino, Giuseppe, Pepperman, and Gustavo's fists, along with Noisette's hammer, all landed at the same time, normally impossible, but the warping of the local space meant several things happened at once, sending the Pizzamancer flying. In midair, a volley of bombs and bullets perforated the Ninda, sending sauce flying everywhere.

The Pizzamancer landed, reeling. “Gah!!” 

Peppino stood up. “It's-a over, Pizzamancer.”

Suddenly spikes sprouted all over the Pizzamancer's body, and Peppino felt the world turn to molasses again for a second - just long enough to keep them from evading…

Giuseppe barely managed to yell “LOOK OUT!” before spikes flew everywhere.

Peppino winced as he felt several pierce his body. One lanced dangerously close to his heart. “GHUH!” The noise burst from his mouth as his eyes popped open, blood spurting from his mouth. He collapsed to his knees. He looked down - a noxious yellow spike was lodged just below his breastbone. 

He stared at it, unable to feel it. Shock, he thought quietly. He glanced to his right…

Noise and Noisette had been pierced through. Noise had tried to shield her, but the spikes had pierced through them both. Beside them, Fake stood, arms crossed, trembling, their body full of spikes, standing in front of Brando, who looked shaken but unharmed. 

Peppino gasped, and looked to his left…

Pepperman staggered, bristling but still standing. Brick was staggering, covered in spikes, but her fur seemed to have  stopped the spikes from being lethal. 

Anita was down, her entire body pierced through much like his own. In her case, however, she didn't have Peppino's bulk to soften the blow - much like the Noises, she had been completely run through. She was struggling to stand, but Peppino could tell it was fatal. He heard a whispered “d…dammit…” before she flopped back down.

Vigilante had managed to avoid most of the barrage, and was roaring with��� grief?... and shooting wildly at the Pizzamancer. Why is he… so…

Peppino's vision cleared enough to see - 

Beside him lay Giuseppe, a huge spike driven into the center of his chest. Gustavo struggled under his body; he'd obviously stepped in front of the gnome, trying to protect him.

The light was already fading from his brother's eyes.

“Seppe…” Peppino whispered.

He coughed and retched, covering the front of his shirt with blood. He staggered, but didn't fall.

He glared at the Pizzamancer with undisguised hatred. His brother's voice seemed to echo in his soul.

Push past the pain, the grief.

Vigi stopped as he saw Peppino take a step forward.

Ignore it. Keep your eyes on your objective.

The Pizzamancer had been ranting, but he ground to a stop as he saw Peppino step forward.

Peppino ground his teeth.

Break them. 

“You should be dead. Why aren't you dead??” The Pizzamancer launched another barrage at Peppino. 

His arms moving so fast the air shrieked as he moved, Peppino batted them aside.

Vigi stared as he tried to comprehend what happened next. One moment Peppino had been standing, reeling…

Then there was some sort of explosion…

~~~~

Peppino looked at his hands. As he moved them, he heard a faint scree as the air protested the motion. 

He looked around. The world seemed to have stopped. No, it's still moving… slowly. The Pizzamancer was slowly, glacially, raising an arm, meaning to launch some horrible attack to end them all.

He glanced down at his brother's dead body on his left, his old friend laying underneath his corpse.

He glanced over at the pair of small bodies on his right.

He watched Fake stroking Brando's face. 

Peppino fingered the spike in his chest. 

He knew he had only seconds to live.

He clenched his fist. For Giuseppe. For Noise and Noisette. For Anita and all those people you murdered, so long ago. For the centuries of suffering you created.

He charged.

He struck, again and again, the Pizzamancer's body bursting in slow motion, each impact striking with the force of a grenade. He struck in silence, his mind full of only one thought.

Destroy the Pizzamancer.

~~~~

Brando picked up Fake as the tall being collapsed. “You… you shielded me. Why?”

Fake reached up and stroked the boy's face. “We had… to protect… our son.”

“Your… son?”

Before Brando could respond, a terrifying shriek tore the air as Peppino disappeared… 

And the Pizzamancer exploded.

As the mist cleared, Brando saw Peppino standing over what remained of the malicious Ninda, panting. 

Then he seemed to simply stop, and he fell over.

[dysaniadisorder]

[Transcript: Juno: (over gunfire) Yeah! So what! It's not like I've been practicing with Buddy for a year! Or like that was a legendary shot! Or anything! (Nureyev stops running) Nureyev: Not legendary– a legend, as they say, is a dead thing. And we are very much alive. (Ambiance fades)

Buddy (Narrator): Alive. And if my love telling me to take my own advice struck one bell, Ransom's struck a second. (Music starts) Buddy (flashback, echoing): ...has their reputation, we are not legends, either. We're better. A legend is an old story, a dead thing, frozen forever. And we are very much alive... Buddy (Narrator) ... and then I know I don't want to be a legend. I want to be alive. (Ambiance fades in)

Vespa: Alright, Bud, it looks like the pieces are all in place. You ready to cover me, Steel? Juno: You bet. Nureyev: Ah! And there is our proof of Juno’s theory: I believe I’ve found a hidden entrance. (Beeping, a door begins opening) We'll begin our escape on your signal, Captain. (pause) Captain? Buddy: I-I... can't. Vespa: Buddy? Buddy: I'm so sorry. I can't explain now, but... I have to excuse myself from the rest of this mission. Jet is waiting to rendezvous. Do you think you can handle the rest of the escape on your own? Vespa: Yeah. Nureyev: Yes, Captain. Juno: Yep, sure. Buddy: Good. I'm sending the necessary data to you all now. You will not be able to reach me until you return. Vespa: Buddy, are you okay? Is everything-- Buddy: It will be, as long as I leave right now. Are there any objections? Nureyev: Of course not. Juno: Do what you need to do. Vespa: Be safe, Bud. Buddy: And you, my love.

Buddy (Narrator): (The call ends, echoing metallic footsteps) So I run. And I kick off my heels and I run faster, because if my heart is going to give out today I will be the one to deliver the killing blow, thank you very much. I will live. (electric guitar music starts) And perhaps it is the adrenaline, or perhaps it is the electricity crackling in the air, but I am certain that my family will be fine. Suddenly I trust that they could survive anything. It's just as I told Rita: Buddy (flashback, echoing): ...real cooperation is not only helping others — I hope you understand that. It is also trusting that they can help themselves, no matter how concerned... Buddy (Narrator): I'm rather sharp, evidently. Perhaps it's time I start taking my own advice. My hair is standing on end as I enter the med bay. The electromagnetic pulse will come at any second. I open the door to our safe room, (door opens) and before I close it, I take one last look at the video feed, and through Vespa's eyes I can see Juno blast the turret out of alignment, and Pete carve ice from a hidden passage with his plasma blade. I feel more selfish than I have ever felt, abandoning my family to these new and unknown dangers. But I remember the words that Jet says saved his life -- and now, they must save mine. (Music fades out) Buddy: (panting) You should not die, Buddy Aurinko. The past is dead behind us. The future is potential. (An explosion. The door seals shut, wooshing air, then silence.)]

[cursedalthoughts]

Priority Research 7 Predictions - Royal Navy

This year, the Royal Navy has some very strong candidates for either PR or DR. I will explain gimmicks and try to predict possible skills.

HMS St. Vincent

St. Vincent is a battlecruiser developed from the Project I3 designs. With a bizarre turret layout of 2 front-facing triple 457mm turrets and one midship triple 457m turret, St. Vincent is a very good DR choice.

She has two underwater torpedo launchers, singular torpedo each. Just two torpedoes in total is rather pathetic, but each one does almost 30k damage. However, her gimmick resides in her guns. They are not quite 460mm, but they are still enough to punch through a lot of armor. They have very short AP fuses, which means she can easily do devastating damage against cruisers of most kinds. Her accuracy is impressive too.

St. Vincent could be an off-flagship sniper with some self-buffing skills if equipped with her own guns.

HMS Defence

Defence is a brand-new ship that got added in the Christmas event of 2023. This ship was locked behind an absurd price consisting of more than a million coal, or equivalent; that's a lot of coal to farm.

Defence is a bizarre ship. She has 3 of the dual 356mm gun turrets found on the KGV-class battleship (she's a cruiser, by the way); four underwater torpedoes per side of similar characteristics to St. Vincent's (but each torpedo does 21k damage instead of 29k), and a smokescreen similar to the British destroyers.

Defence is prime DR material as well.

HMS Gibraltar

Gibraltar is a British heavy cruiser with all the gimmicks of their light cruisers. In other words, she's the only British heavy cruiser that's worth it.

You might be inclined to believe she's a bigger Drake - and yes, she is. However, Gibraltar: 1. only has access to AP shells, 2. has much improved penetration angles on those AP shells, 3. has a standard British light cruiser smokescreen 4. has a standard British light cruiser hydro.

She's essentially a Minotaur but with 12 234mm guns instead of 10 152mm guns. The only thing she lacks is torpedoes, honestly.

Gibraltar could be a very all-rounder heavy cruiser with utility skills for the fleet, as well as huge raw damage numbers. 234mm guns are big for a standard heavy cruiser. I kinda want her as a DR, honestly.

HMS Minotaur

Second-to-last DR of this post is Minotaur, a now very old light cruiser. You know her gimmicks, as Gibraltar has the same ones. However, Minotaur gets access to 10 152mm guns with a blistering 3.2 second reload. These guns will completely eat through the health pool of a broadside battleship in no time.

Minotaur also suffers from British Light Cruiser Armor Syndrome, which means the armor that protects her citadel is only 101mm thick and that she has a massive, impossible to miss above-water citadel. She is, and I can not stress this enough, very fragile.

One of her other less remarkable gimmicks is that, as the T10, she has an absurd acceleration. I don't know the exact numbers, as I don't have a Minotaur myself; but she can get to top speed in no time. That and her AP-only spamming abilities could be some nice skills.

HMS Malta

Malta is the last possible DR I'm going to cover in this post.

I mentioned Minotaur having very pathetic armor. Well, Malta is the perfect aircraft carrier to hunt down cruisers wtih ridiculous armor like Minotaur or Jinan from the Dragon Empery post.

Each of her bombers carries 3 500lb AP bombs capable of piercing a considerable amount of armor and detonating inside of the enemy ship. Her torpedos are surprisingly fast and so are her planes - which are Blackburn Firebrand, these bad boys:

My bet is that they would add an attak aircraft and dive bomber variant of the Firebrand if Malta gets added to Azur Lane.

As for her skills, she could have an offensive skill which boosts her damage against heavy cruisers and light cruisers; since she'd be DR, that damage could be absurd.

HMS Hampshire

The first of the rather few PR options, Hampshire.

She's, quite literally, a British Atago. Same guns, same layout, similar reload, same 203mm callibe.

As financial advice, Hampshire is worse than Atago. She gets slightly improved pen angles on her AP, but she only has AP - Atago's AP is not that good but she has excellent HE. Also, she has 4 instead of 8 torpedos per side, of a worse range and damage. Don't buy Hampshire in World of Warships, basically.

However, in Azur Lane, she could be a heavy cruiser with special buffs to deal with medium and heavy armor in specific.

HMS Nottingham

Nottingham is somewhat similar to Hampshire - she is based on the Project C heavy cruiser. Her main guns are arranged in a very familiar setup, similar to Nelson or Rodney (or Defence), having average AP and HE shells. She does have double the torpedo armament as Hampshire, but they have even less range at 8km. However, Nottingham gets access to a short-burst smoke generator similar to that of the British destroyers (it's their main gimmick), a smokescreen that doesn't last very long but reloads fast and has a lot of uses.

Nottingham hasn't been available since February of 2023, though. I highly doubt she will find her way into Azur Lane, but if she does, she would be a PR.

[sku11kidz]

Fandom: Biohazard: Village, Resident Evil 8, Resident Evil: Village

Character Tags: Ethan Winters, Reader, Rosemary Winters (mention), Mother Miranda, Alicia Dimitrescu, Salvador Moreau, Karl Heisenberg,

Tags: Lord Ethan winters AU, Haha Ethan is an old 1950s dad, soft, Alternate canon, father is fathering, Child!Reader, children, horror tags, reader is no older than 12, ???, writer is a teenager/slow updates

Previous chapter ⭐️

The smell of smoke filled the forest, signaling the arrival of Heisenberg. He always hated going to Ethan’s small neck of the woods. He grumbled something as he felt a rush of warmth consume his body. “Looks like I’m here.” He pops his back and knocks on the mansion door.

“Ethan Winters! Open the door and speak to—“ before he can finish, the front fate opens wide open and shows the small rose garden in Ethan’s front lawn. Who’s standing in the garden but Ethan. You hold onto Ethan’s leg, snuggled into some warm clothes to hide you from the harsh cold.

“What do you want, Heisenberg?” Heisenberg smirks and blows smoke in Ethan’s face. “I want the kid.” He motions at you, kneeling to your level. “The kid’s a cutie. It would be a shame if Mother Miranda were to find out about-“Ethan steps in front of you, shielding you from Heisenberg's view. “The point, Heisenberg.” Heisenberg chuckles and stands up, dusting off his coat. ““You always get straight to business, Ethan. Fine, the point is, I’m here to make you an offer. You see, Miranda’s been tightening her grip lately, and let's just say some of us aren't too happy about it.” Ethan raises his eyebrow and tilts his head, gently pushing you away so you don’t hear adult matters.

You wander off into the cold forest, wearing the heavy clothes Ethan put on you so you wouldn’t freeze to death.

Even though you knew no one was there, you felt like something was touching or watching you. Ethan had told you to come straight back if someone saw you but you were determined to find the wood right away. You make your merry way towards the village, remembering where exactly your late father had kept his firewood collection.

As you walk over, you get distracted by castle Dimistrescu. The imposing turrets rise up before you, casting ominous shadows across the snow-covered landscape. Curiosity had gotten the worst of you and decided to go inside. You walk down the draw bridge when you hear a voice. “A little friend, I see?” You turn around and see the Duke smoking his typical cigar.

He chuckles softly. “I see Mr. Winters has taken a liking to you.” You would ask how he knew but the fact that you were overly bundled told the whole story. “It seems like you’re curious about what Castle Dimitrescu has to bring. Just like Mr. Winters when I first met him.” He chuckles softly. “Would you like to go inside and quench your curiosity?”

You nod happily and go inside without listening to his muffled warning. Upon walking into the castle, you felt like royalty. You made sure to explore every part of the castle. Your little journey is fun until you’re swarmed by some laughing flies. “Oh my! Sisters look!” Cassandra forms along with Daniella and Bela. They giggle and surround you. “A small human child from the village!” Daniella coos.

You shiver as they close in, their voices ringing in your ears. “I bet mother would love this kid!” Cassandra chimes. You try to back away, but the sisters are too quick, their laughter echoing through the halls. “Look at them run!” She coos. Just as you think there's no way out of the situation, you hear a familiar, stern voice booming through the corridor, "Girls! Would be all this noise at this hour?” The lady herself walks into the room and glares down at her daughters.

“Mother look!” Cassandra picks you out and shows you to Lady Dimistrescu. She looks down at you and grabs you by the scurf of your button up shirt. “A child? How could this be?” Not wanting to be held, you squirm. The girls coo and aw over your little movements. Lady Dimistrescu examines you with intrigue, her calculated gaze feeling as if it could pierce right through you.

“Can we keep her, mother? Please?” Bela begs. Alicia sighs and nods. “I suppose but we’ll have to speak with Mother Miranda first. Just be glad we got this child before Winters got his hands on them.” Immediately, the daughters all giggle and swarm around you.

“Can we name them?”

“I’ll make sure to tuck them into bed every night!”

“Mother can we please let them sleep in our room?”

Dimistrescu pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. “My darlings, please relax a bit. We don’t even know if we’re allowed to keep the child.” The daughters all collectively make a sound of disappointment.

She walks off with you in her hands and takes you to her room. Dimitrescu sets you on her bed and begins to dial the phone. “Now I want you to stay here until I’m finished with this call. Be a good child and don’t cause any problems for me.” She pats your head and sighs, waiting for the phone to pick up. As the phone rings, she sees that you’re overly bundled up for the weather. “Sweetheart, where exactly did you come from?”

You point to the window, the direction of Ethan’s house. She studies your point in disbelief and then follows your gaze, peering out at a distant silhouette of a familiar house. “No…” she mutters, slumping in her chair. “I fear that I must call that filthy man…” she mumbles, dialing Ethan’s number. You cautiously hop off the bed and tug on her dress.

The lady sighs and looks down at you. “Wanting to sit on my lap, darling?” She asks, lifting you up. She waits for the phone to ring and scoffs when Ethan doesn’t pick up. “Damn this man.” She mutters, slamming the phone back down. Lady Dimitrescu calms herself down and gives you a small smile. “If he doesn’t pick up, he’ll have to deal with you being my little one for the time being.” She stands up, still holding you, and walks off.

From this perspective, the world felt bigger than it should be. “For now, I shall protect—“ When the phone rings again, she sighs and storms back into the room, making it feel like a mini earthquake from your point of view. “How about you go play with your new sisters for the time being.” She places you down and gently pats your back. “If I’m not wrong, they should be in the front foyer.

You nod and quickly skimper off.

As you go downstairs, you hear giggling and whispers. “What do you think we should do with the child?” Cassandra asks. “They’re so cute! I really wish mother lets us have her.”

“Her?”

The room gets quiet but they all laugh. With mischievous smiles, the sisters turn to see you at the bottom of the staircase. Immediately, they swarm around you, their words overlapping. The sound of the buzzing throws you off and you begin to swat them away.

Their hands feel gentle as they touch your skin—but the grip tightens as they come closer and closer. You push and struggle, trying to break free, but it's no use. They all stop when they get a whiff of the smoke Heisenberg blew in your area.

“Ugh!” They push away from you. “You’ve been around that filthy man!” All three of them pick you up and bring you back to Dimitrescu. “Mother! This— this thing has been in the presence of Heisenberg!” Daniella pouts. “Yes…yes my daughters. This child belongs to Ethan Winters.” She continues to apply her makeup. “He’ll be here soon to get them. Just don’t destroy it before he gets here.”

.

.

.

.

“Miranda?” Ethan tilts his head, the shadow slightly vanishing and exposing his face and yellow eyes. “Yes, Ethan. If she finds out about that child in your care, she’ll simply scoop them up and use them for her own little necromancy bullshit!” Now that Heisenberg was in the house, it no longer felt like the safe home it once was.

While everything looked the same, the lights were dim and the room was only bright by candles. “I can tell you really want things to change with this one, Ethan.” Heisenberg takes off his glasses to look him in the eyes. “You couldn’t protect Rose and you couldn’t protect Mia. Most importantly, you can’t protect this child if they stay here.” Heisenberg stands up and extends his hand.

“I say we use this child to get rid of—“ Heisenberg stops when he sees the glare in Ethan gifted him. “Not a big fan of the idea, Ethan? Or are you just afraid of what giving your little ‘angel’ the cadou that made us the way we are?”

There’s a long silence. The only sound that could be heard was the crackling of the candles but even then, it was too quiet to notice at times like this. Karl sighs and shrugs, taking a seat. “They won’t be like us, Heisenberg.” Ethan wanted to make it clear that he didn’t want your life to be even slightly similar to his. “As a matter of fact, if you even touch them I’ll—“ Before Ethan could jump over the table and probably strangle Heisenberg, the phone rings.

Heisenberg chuckles and motions towards the sound. “Best you pick that up. Who could it be? Donna? Dimitrescu? Moreau?”

Ethan ignores him and walks over to the small dial phone, picking it up.

“Sending out your precious child while they’re more active than usual is a very dangerous mistake, especially when Miranda is on the prowl.” Ethan was about to snap at Heisenberg again but his energy is saved yet again by Dimitrescu.

“Hello, Ethan. I’ve come to inform you that your little…pet has escaped and come into my castle.”

Ethan turns to Heisenberg who has a smug expression on his face. “My pet? What do you— oh.” He sighs and leans against the wall. “My *pet*. I’ll be there to get them soon. I didn’t know they were there, my apologies.” He can hear Alicia blow out some spoke. “Good. Be any moment late and I’ll tell Miranda about this little issue of ours.” Before he can answer, she hangs up.

Ethan puts the phone away and goes to grab his coat. “Why don’t I come with you? It’s been a while since I’ve last visited that bitch’s castle.” Ethan looks at the mud Heisenberg tracked in and the small stains of dirt and oil he left behind on the chairs. He knew that if he was irritated by it, Miss D herself would kill them both on the spot.

“It’s best you stay. You uh…know how she gets.” Heisenberg lights his cigar and blows it into the air. Ethan sighs, seeing that Heisenberg has made himself more than comfortable’ in his home. With the clap of his hands, all the house lights turn back on, making it a home again. Karl smirks, seeing the little facade Ethan was putting up.

"Right," Ethan mutters, grabbing his keys. "I'll deal with this myself. Don’t get in the way.” Heisenberg smirks and leans back, the smoke getting everywhere. “Fine fine.” He shrugs.

After a few hours, Ethan comes back with you in tow. “Here, sweetheart. You’re back.” He leans down and kisses your forehead to endure that even with Heisenberg around, you were safe to be with him. Meanwhile, Karl looks down at you and gives off a big, toothy, grin. “So you’re the little secret, aren’t you.” He leans down to shake your hand.

Being shy, you hide behind Ethan’s leg. “I’m not a scary man, sugar!” Heisenberg laughs. His breath smelled of smoke and soot, an overall pungent smell to be honest.

Ethan grabs the cigar from Heisenberg’s mouth and stomps it out. “You know what I said about smoking in this house” Karl scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Aw what’s the matter? Can’t handle a bit of smoke?”

You cling onto Ethan’s leg, hearing them both slightly raise their voice. He looks down at you and sighs. “It’s best you go back to your little hell hole, Karl.” Ethan groans. With a smirk, Heisenberg puts his glasses back up and lets himself out. “I pray for that kid! You’ll kill it!” He laughs, escaping before Ethan could beat his ass.

Ethan lets out a irritated huff and calms himself down. “How about I make you some dinner. It’s been a long day for the both of us.” Gently, he pushes you off to the living room.

The sound of pans and pots banging together. Knowing best than to bother Ethan while he cooks, you sit in his favorite chair. It’s soft, welcoming, and a bit lumpy. You can sense that this chair is worn by time but who knows how long of a time.

The frost of your fingertips melt away and are quickly replaced by the affection of the flame welcoming you back. Not wanting to get up, you curl up against the sofa and close your eyes. Your past life begins to awaken in your mind, reminding you what happened before all of this.

You think about your mother and father, the two people who conceived and gave birth to your cute and beautiful self. However, if feels like they forgot about you after you were born. They were always busy and seemed nose deep into whatever work they had to do that day.

Between your father’s farm and your mother garden, they often left you alone. It didn’t mean they didn’t love you, you were their baby. They always clothed you, kissed you, and sent you to school to make sure you were intelligent in any field you’d want to grow into. They would always advise you to not go into three places:

The castle.

The woods.

The lake.

And the Reservoir.

Despite this warning, you were the adventurous type. It seemed like the woods were more welcoming than the old village anyways. You never liked being around the other neighborhood children. They all thought of you as weird.

After they started vanishing 1 by 1 near the lake, that’s when your parents told you to stay close to them. You wish you could remember more about ol’ mom and pops but you know how adults are. They either overprotective their children or give them too much independence at a young age.

Everything seemed fine before the Lycan attack. It seemed boring, but fine.

God, the Lycans. Even though the memory was still fresh in your mind, you’d try to forget it. The screams, the blood, your family ripped to shreds. It was all too much, especially for your small self. No matter how hard you’d pray to Mother Miranda to end what was happening to your home, it would get worse.

After your father turned into one of those beasts and killed your mother, you ran away. Cold and wet, you had found Ethan. You’re still trying to get used to him but it’s clear he cares.

It’s almost to the point where you’d call him dad. You don’t want to weird him out though so you stay quiet.

As you were deep into your thoughts, Ethan comes in and wraps a blanket around you. “I know you have the fire but I want to speed up the warming process. Afterall, getting you sick is the last thing I want.” He kisses your forehead, causing you to chuckle. As he leaves the room, he looks back at you, his face filled with a certain warmth. It was almost as if he had found something he lost long ago.

Feeling loved, you fall asleep to the sound of Ethan’s small radio playing old Miss D albums and vegetables being chopped. The couch felt more welcoming when you had a warm blanket to go with it. It felt like a warm hug from a loved one. That along with Ethan’s kiss made you feel like you belonged here.

He would make you food, shower you in affection, and give you your own bedroom in this large room of his. You felt bad for getting a slightly unnerving feeling from him but it quickly washes away when he reminds you how sweet and caring he can be.

He’s your father now. Someone who’d always protect you from harm.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

[fanfoolishness]

Rook questions!!! 9, 19, 29, 39, 49?

9. What is Rook like on the battlefield?

Asla Mercar is a rogue. She dabbles in dual blades, but archery is where she really sings (she, Lace and Varric made quite the sniper trio). She wound up taking the Lords of Fortune artificer specialization and could lay waste to the battlefield between her ever-present arrow turret, her reeling electric bolts and the clouds of necrotic-tipped arrows. My final build for her had stacks and stacks of bleeding and necrotic weapons enchantments, and it was a blast sniping darkspawn in the head and seeing necrosis splash onto the surrounding battlefield.

19. What is Rook’s love language? What love languages do they respond best to?

Rook might joke a lot, but she goes absolutely twitterpaited for real earnestness. Lace's sweet smile and giggles and heartfelt confessions struck right to Rook's heart like one of Lace's well-aimed arrows. While she does love physical touch, it's not as important to her, so she was okay that they took their time while Lace worked on mastery of her lyrium powers. She loves it when Lace thinks of little things, like bringing her coffee (while Lace is a tea fan, she asks Lucanis to teach her how to brew coffee for Rook) or new flowers from her room in the Lighthouse. Sometimes she's just so comforted by quietly sitting near Lace while they read or write letters, then glancing up to see her smile at her.

29. Any vices?

Rook used to have a gambling issue when she was younger. She'd bet on horses and magic competitions, though she realized later on that several of the human magic matches were slave teams. She eventually lost her stomach for gambling after learning what would happen to losing teams. She likes the Lords of Fortune setup much more, but was able to tell herself they had to focus on other things besides brawler matches and she only lost a few sovereigns before she let it go.

39. What is their room at The Lighthouse like?

Rook's room has trinkets from important things on her journey. She's drawn to dwarven artifacts, carvings, tablets and tapestries, and decorates the entire Lighthouse in a dwarven theme; she's never been close with other dwarves before Harding and Varric, and her understanding of her people expands enormously during DATV. But she also loves plants from Arlathan because they remind her of Harding and Bellara both, two of her favorite people. She also likes weird sculptures, and has a Dalish nug sculpture as well as some rather forbidding sculptures from Tevinter. She keeps a bed on the floor for Assan and has a puzzle box that she gives to Manfred to play with when he wanders in.

49. What will always make them laugh?

Animals being silly. She grew up petting the strays of Minrathous, and is utterly charmed at seeing wild creatures like nugs or griffons gamboling around in nature. She still pets every cat she finds.

[apocalypsecraftstudios]

PORTAL FANS: IF UNIVERSAL PICTURES BUYS VALVE'S MOST PLAYED GAME PORTAL/PORTAL 2 COPYRIGHT, WOULD THEY MAKE AN ANIMATED MOVIE OR A LIVE ACTION! :0 SUPER CURIOUS TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS (keep yourself respectful and out of any kind of unnecessary drama plz)

| My personal statement/thoughts:

+ I honestly think GLaDOS would look super terrifying like a gigantic Kaiju since she's canonically super big and powerful enough to scare the shit outta of us. I also think Ellen McLaren would do an unbeatable amazing job as best voice actress ever. It is known that GLaDOS is the best written character so hopefully they (Universal Pictures) don't ruin her essence. If they do I would kms/j.

Imagine a Kaiju sized female prototype staring at you with her super realistic design. Absolutely scary and STUNNING OVERALL! I can't wait to see the official concept of Universal Pictures about how would GLaDOS look like realistically!

| About Chell? She would literally be Natalie Artemis (Monster Hunter's movie actress). I always have seen Natalie as Chell from Portal. Why? Because she's close to her physical appearance and action movie behaviours. She must train herself to not speak a single word since Chell is canonically mute because she refuses to talk to machines and robots (mainly due to she's kind of angry and pissed).

| I don't know which actor would be super cool for Doug Rattman. I'm sorry. But if that's the case, the movie should have a prequel because Rattman has been being a survivor of one of GLaDOS's attacks and people do deserve to understand better the lore behind this amazing videogame. Isn't it?

| I don't know how social behaved is Stephen Merchant but if he's sociable enough he would have a lot of fun trying new quotes for the animated/live action movie of Portal. Wheatley would look super but super realistically animated by professionals and his voice would sound kind of robotic (with some autotune in the background of his original voice). Anyways I can't wait to see his concept artwork made by Universal Pictures!

| The turrets, Prima Donna turret and others would be wildly amazing and super realistic. The turrets would be quite more dangerous than the game and I bet they would change their stay-here behaviour to one more scarier: making the turrets run over their legs to catch and kill their targets easier. That would be a terrifying challenge for Chell. What do you think?

• OMG PLEASE LIKE AND LET ME KNOW WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS I'M EXCITED HAHA * dies*