#best grandpa batman

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Bruce sends birthday gifts to all his grandchildren Jason's goons.

Love this. A couple possible scenarios popped into my head and I can’t decide which is funniest:

1) Red Hood guilt trips Batman in public while accompanied by his four goons with the best sad puppy dog eyes. Bruce caves immediately.

2) Bruce does this as a way of making sure everyone knows Red Hood is Batman’s kid. Not Wonder Woman’s. If claiming Red Hood’s goons is what it takes for Jason to acknowledge Bruce as his dad he’ll take it. Gladly.

3) Bruce does this as a way of making sure everyone knows Red Hood is Bruce’s kid. That’s right. Brucie Wayne, Gotham’s favorite himbo, emotionally adopted the infamous Red Hood. (Everyone is too scared to ask about legally.) If Jason won’t acknowledge his relation to Bruce then he’ll have to get creative. Adopting a crime lord is far from the worst thing the press has supposedly caught him doing, and the look on Jim Gordon’s face at the Mayor’s Ball was an added bonus that he will cherish forever.

[ijustthinkhesneat]

I’m an Alfred/Martha/Thomas truther. Like Alfred is a baddie in his 80s you all know he must have been a slice back in the day. And it is canon Martha and Thomas were smoke shows.

Like let hot people get it. Let hot men kiss while their wife turns mobsters kneecaps into flour with a baseball bat.

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

I was thinking of how battinson or just Bruce wayne I'm general should have a sleeper build till I hate that thought

Alfred should have a sleeper build

He should be a buff grandpa

He should

Please

Do you see the vision?

[thepromisedbride]

i have a very serious headcanon that bruce’s various emotionally adopted children get him a world’s best dad mug (and assorted variations, including “world’s worst dad” (jason), “world’s okayest dad” (also jason) and “certainly a dad” (also also jason)) for father’s day every year, however they don’t know that the others all also get him one. bruce just has a room filled with mugs from his kids because he doesn’t want them to stop giving them to him.

[lady-ofliterature]

5 minutes into Batman the animated series and I’m already loving Alfred.

[savanir]

DP x DC prompt [3]

during one of the final psych evals at Arkham right before he gets to be released, the whole thing wrapped up so tidy, just a little relapse which involved a robbery. Getting sent back to Arkham, but he got to stay at the asylum so long that he no longer has to serve a prison sentence, score!

But during that eval his overseeing psychiatrist recommended him to have a change of scenery, some fresh non polluted air.

Riddler was rather convinced the guy was making this recommendation to everyone in Arkham in their own weird way to convince them to just leave Gotham and become someone else's problem. should he notify Batman about it somehow? nah, it’ll be more interesting to see how this is gonna turn out in the long run.

But can he leave the state? Can he even leave the city? he never really bothered to look into it, at least not legally, up until now if he felt he needed to leave for one of his plans he just did it.

Turns out he can, it’s a whole hassle and a half though, first a judge and then a probation officer and he’s pretty sure both were like “what the hell is this psychiatrist guy thinking!?” but at the same time, shrink probably knows what he’s doing (WRONG) so he’s allowed to go visit out of state family or whatever.

he had to wear this nice ankle monitor though, Wayne Enterprises™ tech, not overly bulky but still very present. real fancy, and a fun extra challenge heh.

now as for a good reason to leave New Jersey he’s going to need distant relatives, and he finds some, great grandpa walker also has a son, who had a son who had a daughter Madeline, who married some guy Jack Fenton, and she lives somewhere out in the boonies Illinois. great he’ll visit her.

far enough away in all sense of the word that there is no way she knows anything about him. it would be best to call her first though, be polite about it.

“hello, you have reached Fenton works, this is Maddie speaking” 

“Riddle me this-” ah whoops, habit, oh whatever, “we don’t share parents, but certainly a part of your life, from laughter to strife. Who am I?”

there is a pause …  he’s going to be a bit disappointed if she hangs up if he’s honest.

“cousins~” comes the cheery reply.

“correct! the name is Edward Nygma, we are distantly related you and I and well-”

“oh you simply must come visit!” 

well this was rather easy, perhaps a little too easy, but she lives in the midwest so maybe just going with whatever some guy says over the phone is normal there? stranger danger not really a thing in a small town where everyone knows everyone?

things start to make a little more sense once he gets there and he’s starting to think some things might run in the family. like a preference for the colour green and weird hyperfixations and genius bordering on insanity. Though that remains to be seen, Jack does not seem like a very bright light after his very enthusiastic welcome.

their kids however are observant and sharp. young Jasmine is wasting no time trying to psychoanalyze him. and the boy, Danny, he had not really meant to and he swears he’s sticking with calling the kid Danny so he wouldn’t seem overly familiar, but he might have called him little bird a couple times now.

but that’s all whatever, he’s playing nice here. and he doesn’t even have to worry about his eccentricities tripping him up because this place is insane.

There actually is a local teen vigilante active but he seems about as loved as he’s disliked. and the ghost boy’s enemies are basically all his own kind, which another crazy thing to now know about. ghost. they are real actually, how is Gotham not completely overrun? and how do they even work? and where do they keep coming from?

Edward might be getting a little sidetracked here. He had fully intended to sneakily get his next big game plan underway all the way out here, ankle monitor be damned. but he hasn’t made any progress at all.

Instead he’s been listening to Madeline and Jack to maybe figure out what the deal is with these ectoplasmic entities, he has to know, at this point he might go crazier if he doesn’t. 

He’s making Jasmine promise him not to get her doctorate in Gotham, he’s going back and forth with space riddles with Danny.

so yeah the whole thing kinda just became a vacation, maybe the psychiatrist had the right idea after all? hmm nah, probably not. but this is fun. He’s thinking about recommending this place to some of the others.

It's different enough to get the vacation feel, but enough crazy shit happens to make it all feel like home.

it is not until Maddie wants to talk with him about potentially switching the position of godfather of Danny to him rather than some weird rich friend of theirs that Edward realizes he might have lost the plot somewhere

Apparently the little bird basically begged them with a powerpoint presentation on how he likes Edward so much more than that Vladimir guy. 

And honestly, the fellow sounds like a Dracula Lutho so even if it’s kinda sad Edward can understand why he’d be considered a better option. Even if the guy has more money and a huge company that makes him said money. And it’s not like the Fentons know about his Riddler activities.

Thinking it over, Edward does think that Danny would like Gotham and Wayne has that space program thing right? The kid is definitely smart enough for that (Nygma certified), and yeah Edward does quite like their space themed back and forth. So, fuck it, why not, what is the worst that could happen?

He doubts Maddie and Jack are gonna kick it any time soon anyway out here in the boonies, it’s just a title thing, a stamp of approval or something.

he should have known he was going to eat those words later… he had this whole beautifully elaborate trap set up for the whole Batclan, and he was just getting to the good part when his phone went off.

Had to put the whole thing on pause cause that particular contact wasn’t gonna get ignored. He did promise to be available.

If the whole thing he had planned now went tits up he could at the very least laugh later at the reactions of the bats as he told them to “hold up one second, I have to take this.” while they were all in various perilous positions. 

Sadly he did have to go, he had a very distressed godson to pick up.

[emdeerm]

I'm a Grandpa? Again?!

My brain got away from me. srry

This might be a horrible, horrible idea that will have so many butterfly and directs effects on the DC canon that I know nothing about but...

Consider this: Bruce is Danny's clone/test-tube baby.

Danny has lived for many, many years and somewhere along the lines, he got his DNA stolen again (in his human form mind you) by someone and they made a clone/baby (most likely cause the child would destabilise without more DNA. Human Danny is just 1/3 of the DNA he has). Maybe the League and Ra's is responsible. Maybe some other party I have no knowledge about. Maybe it was GIW. But it happens.

Anyway, whoever succeeded, had some intentions with the clone if it had powers. He did not. Was a failure and was dumped as a 3yo in Gotham. Tom and Martha Wayne found him and adopted the child.

Now, Danny doesn't know it. He just goes around, living his best life with his partner/(s), works somewhere new every 5-6 years or so, trying out new professions when he wants. When his DNA got yonked, he was a practicing cook. By the time Batman is old enough with all his kids he is a doctor or something.

Let's throw in the Ghost King for fun. Love the trope. Could be just him being a super strong and respected Ghost in the Realms who helps himself to Pariah's treasury. Not like the guy needed it anyway.

So, YEARS pass. All parties are unaware. Meta human protection happens. Ecto Acts get ruled out automatically by the Government somewhere in a list of all stuff that change. The Ghosts haven't been sighted for over 30 years. The Government disbanded GIW wven esrlier just cause they were a moneh draining leach. The JL didn't even pay that much attention honestly (let's say Batman wasn't there for some reason to check the final copy), just one more thing that changed for the better in their eyes.

So, Danny and his kind are now legally in the clear. Does he so something with it? Well, not much. Just uses his powers more freely. His rogues don't find the Living Realm all that interesting now and just come to Phantom to play. Except Sculker. That ass is still unbearable.

...

I got sidetracked from my original idea. Anyway-

...

Damian in school has to do the ancestory assignment. And finds out that he has a weird relation to this Random DudeTM. (Maybe Tom's and Martha's DNA was indeed used in the process of creation. Who knows, maybe it was their doing all along in the name of Doctor Science. Idk. All options are fun) Came out of nowhere. The relation is unclear too.

That gets brought up to Father. Father is surprised. Investigation happens.

The Bats are flabbergasted by the results.

Danny gets the news that he is a surprise Granpa again (Dani was the first one to come with a grandchild out of nowhere. Adopted. You know what? Let it be Cass. Let her have a traveling super mom).

[evilminji]

You know what would be hilarious? The Totally Normal Collage Life of one Valerie Gray(tm)!

She PROMISED you see.

It is fuled by the unspeakable rage of every one of her ancestors trying to do their damn job at on 2 hours of sleep and no coffee. Maternal line, of course. Her FATHER'S bloodline is bizarrely chill.

But dear LORD you should have seen her grandpa yeeting hooligans into composting heaps for getting in the way of his early morning baking. You don't MESS with grandpa's bakery, people learned THAT fast. Long time Amity natives the lot of um! All sorts of interests. That side of the family got real... ob.. sessive....

Waaaaaait a second. She's connecting some dots.

Not important! (Currently.)

See, her dad WORRIES. And SHE worries cause her dad worries. So she PROMISED! No funny business. No ghosts. And NO, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, crime fighting! Just go to her classes and get good grades. Focus on setting her self up for a good future.

O7 yes sir, dad sir! Fuck them ghosts and their nonsense!

So she studied like the brilliant young woman she is. Got FANTASTIC scholarships. Checked out the various colleges. And??

Honestly?

Vibes were RANCID.

Some city's were too... twee? If that makes sense? And some too "time fucky". Others felt "magical nonsense" and "barren Ectoplasmic wasteland"? And the last few were just kinda racist, so that was not happening. Like the CITIES were fine! But the SCHOOLS were... Subtext Heavy.

She might have had to break somebody if she stayed their too long.

She's heard Paulina's going to one of those, though. So... Ha! Rip in pieces fuckos. She honestly can't wait too see THAT gruesome trainwreck from a safe distance. Paulina's gonna THRIVE. Its probably why she even CHOSE that school.

Where was she? Oh, right!

She's deeply fucked and it's Batman's fault!

See, Valerie? Kinda chose Gotham U. It... wasn't her WISEST choice for her "totally normal, crime fighting free, young adult adventures(tm)" but like? What can you do? Gotham just feels so HOMEY!

And MAYBE she gets a little too relaxed. Too tired from a long day of studying.

Some rando tries to mug her with riddles or something! Look, she was TIRED. Not listening. She kicks his ass and goes home. And the plant protest lady. Or that crocodile not-a-ghost?! And YEAH, maybe flying to class wasn't the BEST idea! But like?

How was SHE supposed to know someone saw her?!

@hdgnj @hypewinter @nerdpoe @lolottes @ailithnight @mutable-manifestation

[satoshy12]

Danny is a clone of all Batman villains and Jack and Maddie Fenton

But being a hero or villain had bad effects on your health. So, as they wanted two children,

they did it the only normal way! They cloned a baby! As ex-villains, that was the best idea! That was how Daniel/Danny was created on their first try! Well, they had to enhance him, but it worked out.

So Danny was a clone of all the Batman villains and themselves!!

++

Danny always knew about it, like Jazz, but he didn't really care about it. His parents told him that as a child.

While looking like his parents, his personality is crazy, but that is Just Fenton for the outside Not Arkham.

And Mom and dad raised him. So they are his parents. +

Well, Dani was very confused! She thought Template was a normal person, but nope, he is a clone like her. So she is a clone of a clone? COOL! And that means!

She has many grandpa's and grandma's!! = More Birthday Gifts!

+

His DNA Donors are the Villians that were active 14 years ago. Yes they had succesful Clone with Ivy's DNA what she failed.

[clockwayswrites]

A Broken Sort of Normal Part 11

WC 1326, Masterpost CW: anxiety

“Hey, kid,” Flash the older said as he raced up beside Danny.

“Still not a kid, old man,” Danny replied. It was already a well worn argument by this point after several dinners or weekend meals over at the Flash’s household. Sure it was used before that, but once Danny had started seeing Barry out of the mask, he’d only been worse about it. Danny guessed it was their thing now. It was weird to have ‘things’ again with people, but a good sort of weird.

“Still not an old man, kid. I’m not even a grandpa yet!”

Danny almost dropped the tablet he was working on. Barry didn’t have any kids, not aside from Wally who might as well count. Did that mean…?

“I’d tell you to watch your sass in your new position,” Barry continued, unaware or uncaring of Danny’s sudden crisis about the idea of children, “but one, I’d be a hypocrite and two, it’s a solid third of the reason I recommended you.”

“Well, that’s good because the sass isn’t going awa— wait, what new position?”

Barry grinned under his mask in a way that just felt dangerous. Not, like, dangerous in general, but dangerous for Danny who was the focus of that smile. “You’ll see. Flash Two will pick you up Monday at nine am. Don’t worry, you’re cleared off work already.”

“Fla— and he’s gone. That’s great. What the fuck,” Danny said to himself. It was a struggle to focus on finishing up the post event check in and then his reports and then going over his team’s report and then some more paperwork, but Danny managed. As soon as he got home he was immediately was texting Wally.

After the Reveal, Danny had gotten Wally’s civilian number too, but there were strict rules for using that number. Danny understood the caution. Apparently the first number he had been given was encrypted by Batman’s crew, which was crazy to think about, even when he was dating a Flash, so there were less rules other than no civilian names. Just for the ease of it, Danny mostly stuck to the old number unless they were planning a purely civilian date. Or if Danny wanted to say things that he knew would make Wally blush. Things Danny would very much never want anyone else to read. They may have mostly kept to kissing in person, but teasing Wally was just too much fun.

Danny: Why is Big!Flash having you pick me up on Monday??? What did he mean about a ‘new position’?????? I like my job! FLASH!

Quick Boy: You’ve got to give me a second to answer, dude!

Danny: You’re supposed to be fast. 😑

Quick Boy: Who’s always telling me electrical signals can only move so fast?

Danny: FLASH 🤬

Quick Boy: Sorry, babe, I’m not allowed to tell! But you’ll love it! Promise!

Danny: 🥺

Quick Boy: Don’t make those eyes at me! Trust me, babe, just wait until Monday.

Danny: Fine. But know I’m pouting.

Quick Boy: 😭

Danny behaved. He didn’t bother for updates. He sent more cats dressed as Justice League members and finished off the last Percy Jackson book, sending Wally updates along the way. But the whole weekend the fact that he apparently had a new job he knew nothing about and would be taken to Monday churned in the back of his mind.

It made him anxious in a way that he hadn’t been since he left Amity Park for Central city.

He didn’t much like it.

-

“Please at least tell me that I’m dressed fine for this new job?” Danny asked when he opened the door to Wally’s knock.

He didn’t really have many other options if Wally said no, he already had on his best dark jeans, cleanest boots, and his new cross body bag. He might have a button up shirt he could change into instead of the long sleeve one he was in, but that was as good as it was going to get. He just didn’t have business casual clothes with the jobs he had.

“You look fine,” Wally said.

“Not exactly a supersuit,” Danny said with a sigh, taking in Wally’s uniform.

Wally pressed a quick kiss to Danny’s cheek. “Not the kind of hero you are.”

That was something Wally had been doing, insisting that Danny was a hero. Whenever he protested, it only seemed to make Wally more insistent so Danny mostly let it be. Plus, the cute smile Wally got for ‘winning’ was nice to see.

It was gracing Wally’s lips now as Danny stepped out of his apartment, locked the door, and shoved the keys securely in his bag. One lost set of keys due to super speed was enough to make sure they were safely clipped in from then on.

“Okay. Right, let’s get this over with.”

“It’s a good thing,” Wally insisted as he squatted down for Danny to climb onto his back, “not your execution or anything.”

“I just don’t like not knowing,” Danny said.

“You love surprises.”

“Little surprises like picnics and presents, not life changing ones.”

“You’ll love it,” Wally insisted and then they were off.

-

“I’ll love an abandoned warehouse?”

“Apparently abandoned warehouse,” Wally stressed with a wave of his hands, like he was a two-bit magician.

“Convincing appearance. Once again, Flash, it’s a good thing you’re a hero because this as serial killer vibes.”

The windows were blacked out. There was a heavy layer of dust on most surfaces. The stairs to the foreman office were long rusted away. It was a mess.

But there was that feeling of being watched that crawled up Danny’s spine. None of the dust actually moved as they crossed the floor over to Barry. And the doors were either welded shut or solidly reinforced.

“Ready kids?” Barry asked.

“Still not kids,” Danny replied almost absently.

“Still don’t care!” Barry pressed one of the bricks on the wall and the whole thing shuddered and pulled back like some massive pocket door to reveal a… a portal behind the wall.

“Ta-da!” Wally said, complete with jazz hands.

Danny couldn’t tear his eyes away from the portal to look at him.

Did they know? Was this…?

“Danny?”

“What?” Danny started, forcing himself to look over at Wally who was beside him again.

“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Danny winced. He just couldn’t hold back the twitch of his body at that word. “Sorry. Um, so what is that?”

“A Zeta tube, it’s how we travel to the Justice League. It’s like a transporter,” Barry explained.

Okay, right, not a portal to the Ghost Zone. No one knew. He was safe. Danny closed his eyes. It was just a transporter that looked a lot like a portal.

Wally rested his hand on Danny’s arm and Danny almost jumped from the light touch. “Babe?”

“Um, remember how I told you there was an accident in my parent’s lab when I was a kid? Yeah, um, sorta similar look, is all. It just freaked me out for a moment.”

"Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” Wally said. He squeezed Danny’s arm gently.

“No way you could have known. Who has a phobia over portals, right?” Danny said as he summoned his best attempt at a smile for Wally.

“Are you okay to…” Wally glanced from Danny to the portal nervously.

“I, yes? Can you just explain to me how it will go?” Danny asked. He pressed himself close to Wally, doing what he could to scrape together his frayed nerves. It wasn’t like he hadn’t gone through the actual portal that had killed him all the time. It was just that now all that felt like a lifetime ago, a lifetime no one remembered but him.

“Of course, babe,” Wally said, twining their arms together before he launched into a passionate explanation of the Zeta tubes.

It would be alright.

He could do this.

He had Wally.

-----

AN: Wally and Barry: We have something so cool to show you! Danny: *has portal based ptsd* ._.

I no longer tag people, but you can subscribe to the masterpost!

[lazycats-stuff]

I wonder how it'll be if Bruce's baby son was attached to Alfred? Like he only wants Alfred to bathe him/dress him/feed him/etc, i feel like there might be a bit of guilt that his butler spends more time with his son then he does (this is a request btw lol)

I sense so much guilt from Bruce to be honest. Also, sorry if this is too short, but I too tired to write more.

Summary: Bruce feels guilty for not spending tim with his youngest son.

Warnings: fluff, Bruce feeling guilty, Alfred is Alfred, Alfred is the best grandpa.

Also, it was difficult to pick a version of Alfred, I love them all... But there is something about Andy Serkis' rough exterior and being gentle with a baby... But Michael Cain's Alfred is one of the best portrayals of Alfred ever. Hands down.

Alfred Pennyworth is one of the only people in the world he would trust his children with. More so his youngest son, (Y/N). He was a baby and Bruce was more careful with him because he was just so small and tiny.

Alfred on the other hand was very protective of his grandson. Alfred can still remember when they heard that one of Bruce's one night stand was pregnant. She didn't want him and Bruce said that he would take him in.

So after some legal procedures, Bruce was the sole parent of (Y/N) and was allowed to bring him home to the manor. Everyone feel in love with the little baby and Alfred was the second person to ever hold him, right after Bruce.

And Alfred swore with everything in him, that he would protect this little bundle of joy. He has seen the brutality of the world and seeing the city that they live in, it made him swear on everything that he would protect him.

Everyone else swore that too.

The things started to shift when he was pulled away a lot by his day job and night job. Being a CEO is no easy task and being Batman was even harder. And balancing those two jobs was impossible. So naturally, Alfred was the main caretaker of the little boy. He didn't mind it, he loved it.

But (Y/N) changed. Alfred was the only one that was allowed to feed him, bathe him. If somebody else tries to do that, (Y/N) will be very fussy and will start crying.

Not even Bruce could feed him without being fussy and squirmy. When it came to holding or anything similar, Alfred was there. It made Bruce come to a realization.

He didn't spend time with (Y/N).

He needed to change something. Alfred saw the guilt in Bruce's eyes and offered his helped.

" Baby steps master Bruce, baby steps. " Alfred said to him, comforting the desperate father.

" Please. I am Batman and a CEO, but not a father to the person that needs me. " Bruce said, looking at his son in Alfred's arms.

" And you still have time to rectify that master Bruce. " Alfred said, caressing (Y/N) face with his thumb.

" This little one still loves you. You just need to balance stuff out. " Alfred said, making Bruce nod his head.

" Now little one, you are going to your dad for a moment, I need to go to the bathroom. Hold him. " Alfred said, gently giving Bruce his son.

Bruce looked down into (Y/N)'s eyes. He leaned his head against (Y/N)'s. I will make this right (Y/N), I promise you that. " Bruce whispered, giving him a kiss to the side of the head.

[the-swift-tricker]

breaking down the members of the batfam:

bruce wayne (emotionally repressed autistic dad/tired but loving/"i'd die for you. ask me to die for you.")

alfred pennyworth (beloved grandfather and backbone of the house/"cool you were in the circus too alfie?" "a different type of circus master richard"/the most flexible on the whole no killing rule thing)

dick grayson (embarrassing "stay silly" older brother/eldest child/self-titled "bruce's little angel")

barbara gordon (adopted bruce more than he adopted her/this family would not survive without her it support/only one who knows how to work the router)

jason todd (the try hard wanna be cool accidentally cool but not in the way he meant brother)

tim drake (gifted child syndrome overachiever middle-child-and-mentally-ill-about-it bisexual nerd)

damian wayne (asshole baby man with a heart of absolute gold and a closet full of swords/tiny and feral/why does he have so many swords??)

stephanie brown (the goldilocks of the family/showed up one day and refused to leave/heartbreaker/know-nothing know-it-all, "get your feet of the furniture, stephanie")

cassandra cain (the darling daughter/autistic queen/"cuddled nicely" and "bit my ass" rolled into one/don't look directly at her too long or you'll fall in love)

duke thomas ("finally someone normal around here"/"oh no he's just as bad"/the day shift/probably does way too many light related puns)

selina kyle ("hot milfs in your area"/bruce's lover on the down low that literally everyone knows about/enamored by his autistic swagger/not married to bruce but would take the kids in the event of divorce)

kate kane (fucking rad lesbian wine aunt/kicker of ass, spoiler of nephews and nieces)

harper row ("alfred where did this punk child come from?"/"SHE'S GOTTA GUN"/best music taste out of any of them/once turned a lawn mower into a drag car/it was awesome)

lucius fox (other grandpa/ twead wearing dad/"bruce you need to pay your taxes"/"bruce getting shot point blank in the back is not advisable"/"bruce the hague tends to frown on child soldiers")

lucas fox (conceivably he should be smarter than getting mixed up in all this/still got mixed up in all this/"don't you think batwings a little too...on the nose?" "says the guy that calls himself batman")

helena bertinelli (cranky cousin that is beloved by a few and feared by all/"why doesn't her boyfriend have a face?"/"SHE'S GOTTA CROSSBOW!")

harley quinn (bisexual vodka aunt that's really just bruce's friend from college/has invited herself over for every hanukkah ever since finding out bruce is jewish too)

[weebsinstash]

Ya know, I've made posts about the yandere Batfamily before, and I've been thinking lately about one person in particular, and I think I've decided that Alfred is probably the most dangerous and formidable person in that entire house and have been brainstorming what a formidable platonic yandere guardian sorta figure he would be

For one, he's the man that canonically kept THE Batman from going over the edge, basically THE sole reason Bruce Wayne grew into the man he is. Literally, in alternate universes where Bruce never had Alfred, he literally 9 times out of 10 becomes a murdering sociopath. Alfred doesn't just have intelligence, he has EMOTIONAL intelligence

We're talking about the tenured elderly man who is former MI6 and doesn't give a fuck about murder, has killed, and will kill again. Bruce finds someone attacking you, he'll beat them up and cart them off to jail to be arrested and rehabilitated. Alfred will pull a pistol on a robber and shoot him dead before he allows you to get even a single scratch on you, just puts the guy down, "oh dear, I suppose I'll be late making dinner tonight, it seems I'll have to give testimony to Mr Gordon again"

I've seen fics where the sidekicks kidnap Reader or disable them for Bruce's sake, but don't you think Bruce himself would cross that line for Alfred? This man cooks, cleans, does everything for him, is practically a second father and his greatest friend, really kind of RAISED HIM. I just picture Alfred getting attached to Reader like you're practically his grandchild and then you return to your normal life, move out after staying them for a period of time or whatever, and Bruce can tell Alfred is... out of sorts, a little sad frown on his old withered face as he absent-mindedly sweeps the same corner of the same room for an hour, sighing, thinking about how he wanted to teach you all sorts of things, but, you're just gone now. Siiiiiiiiigh. And Bruce can't stand seeing Alfred like, actually depressed, even making mistakes he doesn't usually make, dropping things, lacking his usual playful sarcastic wit, just kind of a shell of his former self. You don't think you'd be getting an extra super special Uber ride in the Batmobile from the Dark Knight himself after that?

But I also think Alfred would be capable of really putting his foot down. He once told a disrespectful Damian he should be thankful Alfred wasn't his father in a very "because I'd actually discipline you" coded sort of way, and, say Reader grew up without a dad, or any parents and maybe has some traumas and potential behavioral issues from that. I could see Alfred being the kindest, sweetest, most patient grandpa, teaching you how to bake, keeping you company in the library, teaching you all kinds of things, and then the second you do things like start getting drunk, acting out, THROWING things, then he's putting his foot down, "now you listen HERE! Your behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you will not be allowed to degrade yourself within the walls of this home!" and manages to simultaneously scold you without putting you down, leaving you in ashamed embarrassed tears over your behavior that you're standing there crying, and he pulls you to take a seat in a nice chair and starts combing your hair and telling you he just wants best for you while you're bawling for his forgiveness, and he tells you he's already forgiven you and that he can run you a nice bath before bed

I can see a captive Reader scenario where you manage to break out of the house while everyone else is gone and you think, oh, you're home free! Batman and everyone else is busy! Lost in your own hubris as if Alfred doesn't have perfect knowledge of everything in the Batcave including the equipment and vehicles. You're in an alley cornered by a bunch of drunks who just want to beat the shit out of someone and suddenly, is that Batman? Wait, the costume is different, and the height, and, the body shape, and, and, and it doesn't even matter because Alfred can still lay all of them flat, blood on his knuckles as he wearily regards you, "you're not going to make a tired old man have to carry you to the car, are you?" and after what you just saw, you know better than to put up resistance

But like I can't get over the idea of, Reader staying at the Wayne residence for a limited period of time, you're injured and Bruce is offering you safe harbor, you're being targeted by a specific criminal group and need protection until the thugs are caught, something along those lines, and, one day, when everything is better, you just. Leave unexpectedly. They had already offered you a permanant place in the house but you still seem to be falling into a depression until one day you're straight up gone, only leaving a note that Alfred is the one to find, only 3 word, "Thank you. Sorry." and hr suddenly??? Can't think straight??? You're gone??? Why??? Why didn't you tell them?? Are you hurt?? Did they do something wrong??? How is he supposed to know if you're sad or if you're hungry or if you're in DANGER if he doesn't know where you are and what you're doing at all possible hours?

Just visualizing the idea of Bruce coming home one day and you're suddenly in the house again and you're seeming very much distressed but Alfred is looking fit as a fiddle again and it is very extremely incredibly obvious to Bruce that Alfred straight up brought you back against your will. But. He doesn't care because he agrees with Alfred that OBVIOUSLY since you're a member of the FAMILY NOW that OF COURSE you have to stay in the house

Can you imagine yandere Alfred but Bruce and everyone else is just, totally normal and just hardcore mega coping with Alfred's sudden change in behavior and occasional questionable actions. One day Alfred is dusting and without turning around, "Master Bruce, would you care to fetch my granddaughter for me while i finish this room?" and Bruce is just like "granddaughter????" And Alfred looks to him like he just said something BEYOND stupid, "Yes, my granddaughter, about ye high, awfully broody much like yourself, currently housed in the spare second floor bedroom at the end of the hall on the right? You act as if she didnt help bake that casserole you and the boys absolutely devoured last night"

Nightwing going down into the Batcave for like actual mission stuff and Alfred is already using the Batcomputer to monitor all your online internet use. What's that, some young man is trying to slide into your DMs? O-oh no, there was, uh, suddenly a glitch and he received a threatening message with no traceable source that told him to stay the bloody hell away from you! Whoops!

You're just his captive little grandchild who he helps teach recipes to and teaching you anything you're curious about. You make an offhanded comment one day that you would've loved to learn to play piano "but I'm too old now/it's too late now/I probably wouldn't be any good at it" and later on, after Alfred has brought you back after trying to live alone again (you being drugged if need be), and when you wake up he's all smiles, telling you about all the new structure he's about to introduce to your life, and, of course, you have to pick a day of the week for your new (now mandatory) piano lessons :) on Mondays you'll go for walks and have tea in the garden, Tuesdays you'll read in the library, on Wednesdays you'll learn piano, on Thursday he'll teach you a new recipe every week, Friday--- this old man is gonna force you to be productive and happy is all I'm gonna say

[wolfjackle-creates]

Ghost!Robin Part 13

THE DINNER ENDS!!!!!! Dear god, I need to write something that has less than seven characters present in the currently-being-written scene. This segment will be a bit longer than most previous ones simply because I was so close to the end.

Story Summary: Danny was invited to dinner at Wayne Manor to meet Jazz's boyfriend and his family for the first time. He worked hard to make sure no ghost business would interrupt the evening. But when he arrived, all he could focus on was the ghost of the dead Robin that seemed to haunt Jason. Looks like he was breaking his promise.

First, Previous

Word Count: 1.9k

-----

“Look, I’ve faced both an evil future version of me and have had to deal with mind control.” He looked to Bruce and, serious now, said, “As soon as the Anti-Ecto Acts are repealed and the Guys in White disbanded, I will help you write those plans myself.”

Bruce gave a single nod. “Do you know what caused you to turn evil in the alternate time stream?”

Danny sighed and nodded. “Believe it or not, I cheated on a standardized exam.”

“Okay, what?” asked Tim, incredulous. “What sort of 2000s PSA life do you live? How did that lead you down the path to evil?”

Danny frowned. “I got caught, my teacher met with Jazz, my partners, and my parents at a local restaurant to discuss it. There was an explosion and the entire place blew up killing every single person I was close to. I was then sent to live with Vlad where things got worse.”

Duke let out a low whistle. “Damn. I think I’d go evil, too, under that pressure.”

Robin flew over to him and draped himself over Danny’s back, hugging him as tightly as he could. Jazz reached over and gripped his hand. He gave her a smile and squeezed back.

Bruce nodded. “But it sounds like a future that is unlikely to happen again.”

“Grandpa says the same thing. And since he’s the Ghost of Time, I try to believe him.”

Tim made a noise of agreement. “Be glad you have that assurance. I’ve an evil future self as well. He’s such an asshole.”

Danny forced a laugh, recognizing the attempt at levity. “I’m sure. How’d you get yours to go away?”

He shrugged. “The obvious way. Threatened to kill myself so I could never grow up into him.”

Dick spluttered from his spot next to Damian. “I’m sorry, you did what? Tim! How could you?”

Tim shrugged. “Better than having an evil, gun-using Batman running around.”

Bruce was now sitting with his head in his hands. The rest of the table also started yelling at Tim, the references and names making no sense to Danny who looked over to Jazz. She just shrugged at him.

Leaning over, he whispered in her ear, “At least your in-laws won’t be too freaked out when weird things happen around you.”

She laughed. “Yeah. Honestly, I’m glad this is how the evening ended. It means no more secrets between Jason and me.”

“Guys, enough!” shouted Tim. “Look, I’m fine. This happened ages ago. But I promise I’ll update my incident report so you can all snoop on it later. Now, if you’ve all forgotten, we have guests. And ones who can help us with our League troubles. Danny, you had questions about the Lazarus pits?”

“Yeah, uh, you said it can be used to heal people? How does that work?” To Jason, he added, “And how did you interact with it?”

“I was dunked in it,” said Jason with a shrug. “After I’d been revived. I wasn’t in my right mind and Damian’s mom thought it might help.”

Robin nodded and signed something.

Dick translated for the ghost. “Baby Jason says the pit tied him and Big Jason together, but also prevented them from actually combining into one person again.”

Danny looked between them. “You were submerged in a pool of bubbling ectoplasm? How the hell did that not kill you? That shouldn’t be possible for a human. I doubt it’d be good for a ghost!” No wonder his future brother-in-law was split in two. That was probably the best that could be expected.

Danny hadn’t even realized how hard he was projecting concern until Robin trilled back at him to calm him down. Danny took a deep breath and pulled in his aura. “Sorry, Robin. I do think I’d like to get you both in to see my doctor as soon as possible, though.”

Jazz cleared her throat. “We can discuss that at home.”

Bruce stared at him. “Do you think they can help Jason?”

Danny shrugged. “He knows the most about ghost-human hybrids of anyone. If anything can be done, he’ll know.”

“I will go with you,” Bruce said.

Danny immediately shook his head. “Nope. I won’t bring anyone from Earth into the Realms until the Anti-Ecto acts are repealed. And only Jason can invite people to his private medical check up.”

Steph pouted. “But Jason is from Earth. Sure, he’s got some weird thing going on, but why does he get to go exploring other dimensions?”

“Cause he’s dead. He belongs to the Infinite Realms just as much as he belongs to Earth. I’m not gonna block someone from accessing their home.”

“I’m not dead!” yelled Jason. “I’m alive.”

Danny winced. He’d have to talk to Jazz about that. Death wasn’t really a thing that could be recovered from. Not fully. But it wasn’t his place to tell Jason he was still dead if he wasn’t ready to hear that. Jazz or Frostbite could have that conversation. “Of course you’re alive. And Earth is your home, too. But you’ve got one in the Realms if you ever need or want it. Think of it like dual citizenship.”

“I don’t want it.”

Danny sighed. “Look, then the part of you that is manifesting as Robin has a place there and you two can’t be separated so you’re allowed to follow him. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get you in to see the best doctor to help you out.”

“Jason,” Jazz spoke gently and rested her hand on his forearm, “you’re still alive. Nothing about your situation has changed. You just have some more information and more help. Which is a good thing.”

Jason frowned and didn’t answer, choosing instead to glare at his dinner plate.

No one else spoke up until Alfred cleared his throat. “Well, I believe that we should wrap the conversation up here. We’ve all received quite a lot of information and will need some time to review it and consider our next steps.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah, I think— Wait, um, before we end this, would you have a sample of the Lazarus Water I could take to Frostbite?” At the confused looks he was given, he added, “The doctor I mentioned. I think it’d help him figure out how best to help Jason and Robin.”

Bruce exchanged looks Danny couldn’t interpret with Damian and Tim before speaking. “We’ll have to discuss it. Would we be able to give you our answer in two days? At the very least, we’d like to have the report from your friend first.”

Danny shrugged. “Sure. The sooner the better, though. I’ll call Tucker on the way to Jazz and Jason’s. We’ll put something together for you tonight. I’m not sure exactly how long it’ll take, though. Depends on how much sleep Tuck’s running on.”

Bruce merely nodded.

Dick laughed and got to his feet. “Well, it’s been an absolute pleasure getting to know you. Welcome to the craziness of the Wayne family. It sounds like Jazz and you will fit right in. Let me walk you out.”

His words seemed to be a signal to the rest of the family. Most of whom also rushed over to try and insist on walking them out.

Until Jason shouted, “Enough! We don’t need a crowd to follow us to Jazz’s car. You can say goodbye from here just as easily.”

Dick pouted but acquiesced. Only after pulling Jason into a hug, though. Jason forced Dick to let him go only for Robin to rush in and take his place to Dick’s delight. After separating, they signed something to each other that had Jason blushing and scowling.

And then Dick moved on to hug Jazz, then Danny. “Come back anytime,” he told Danny. “Whether or not those two are with you. B meant it when he said you would have a room here.”

But then Steph was pushing Dick to the side to give Danny a hug as well. “What’s your phone number? I so want whatever blackmail you get on Jason. And I’ll share some of what I have.”

Danny laughed, but did agree to exchange numbers before the Duke was in front of him.

“Dude, you have to come by more often. It’s so annoying being the only meta around here.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Danny promised.

When Tim came over, he insisted on adding both Danny and Jazz to some of the family group chats. “If you give me your sister’s number, I’ll add her in, too.”

Jazz shook her head. “We’ll have to confirm she wants to be added in first. And ask her if she’d like an introduction to Superboy.”

“His name’s Kon. Kon-El. I’ll message him tonight, too. I’m sure he’d love to meet her.”

“Dani will say yes,” said Danny, “but she doesn’t always reply right away. We’ll let you know as soon as we hear from her.”

Then Tim was being pushed aside by Barbara who wanted to make sure he knew how to send them the information about ghosts and the Realms. And Cass was waving goodbye.

Bruce was the last of the group to approach them. “Remember, if you ever need a place to stay or want to lay low, you can come here any time. Even if you just want a warm meal. Your sister as well.”

“Thanks, Bruce,” said Jazz. “We do really appreciate that. You don’t have to offer it.”

“But I want to. Jason…” he trailed off before trying again. “I would like it if you kept me informed with any updates to your condition.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Right, because you want to know how much of a liability I am.”

If anything, Bruce’s face became more closed off at those words. “That’s not… Hn.”

Robin rolled his eyes, somehow visible despite his mask, and flew over to hug Bruce around the waist. Danny couldn’t make sense of the expression Bruce wore as he looked down at the ghost and though his arms twitched, he didn’t return the hug.

Alfred smoothly stepped forward before anyone could say anything. “Well, now that the goodbyes have all been said, I will walk you four out.”

Jason shook his head. “You don’t have to, Alfie. I know the way.”

“Of course you do, Master Jason. But I insist. We’ll stop by the kitchens and I’ll send you home with leftovers.”

Danny tried to hide his smile as Jason merely turned and walked in the direction of the kitchens. It seemed no one argued against Alfred. Once in the kitchens, they were given so much food to take home it required all three to carry it, then Alfred was leading them out a side door which brought them to the drive where Jazz’s car was parked.

Jazz nudged him and nodded her head towards the car. Danny nodded and followed her in while Jason, Alfred, and Robin remained outside to talk for a minute.

Danny took the back seat and met Jazz’s eyes in the rear-view mirror.

She gave him a wry smile and said, “What a night, huh?”

Danny snickered before bursting out into full-on laughter, Jazz joining a breath behind him.

-----

Next

Tim totally spilled the beans about Gun Batman to get people distracted from Danny. He's just being a good new friend.

I'm thinking I'll put this on a temporary hiatus as I work through how I want arc two to go. I know the story beats, but the pacing will absolutely have to change. Not gonna spend 16k words on a single evening again! (Did you guys realize it was that long? I certainly did. XP) In the meantime, I'll keep working on Bring Me Home and rewriting the Wrong Number AU.

Bonus points to anyone who can guess my favorite line from this segment!

And sorry for not replying to comments on the post from two weeks ago. I got caught up in irl stuff and wasn't able to get around to it.

Tag List Part 1

@addie-lover-of-stories, @justwannabecat, @gin2212, @amercurio, @regonold, @overtherose, @readerzj, @sjrose1216, @echoednonny, @deeterzz, @blu-lilac, @number-one-jew, @rowanaway-fromthisbs, @vythika96, @tired-yet-awaken, @themirrorghost, @emeraldcorpral, @all-mights-asscheeks, @darkhinauniverse, @blep-23, @phandomhyperfixationblog, @larkcoe1, @thegatorsgoose, @job-ross-the-second, @britcision, @lenacraft, @bubblemixer, @androgynouslordofescapism, @purefrickingspite, @leftmiraclechaos, @lizisipancardo, @starlight-sparks, @miraculousandmore, @gildedphoenix, @sometimesthingsfallapart, @letmesayfuxk, @phoenixcatch7, @skulld3mort-1fan, @abaowo, @dhampir-princess, @idkmrpianoman, @sarina-elais, @ballzfrog-blog, @undead-essence, @spookytragedyshark, @flyingpansaurus, @akintoabitch, @marivictal, @8-29pm, @justreadingthefanfics, @happybear135, @kisatamao, @spoopyspoony, @adorablechaos, @sara0055, @screamingtofillthevoid

[wondersinwaynemanor]

when Lian started calling Bruce "Grandpa", his kids didn't want him to forget it.

Bruce passing by outside of Dick's room.

Dick, announces in his loudest voice: Ay, there's Bruce Wayne! The best Grandpa in town. No wait, second best, after Alfred.

Bruce gives his eldest a look.

Dick, lowers his voice: Sorry B, Alfred is the best in everything.

Bruce: Hn.

Bruce stands up from his chair at the dining area to get more tea.

Cass, smiles as she hands Bruce the teapot: Here. Don't tire yourself.

Bruce: Thank you, Sweetheart. But I can get my own tea-

Cass, signs "Grandpa" and leans down to kiss Bruce on the cheek.

Bruce, can't help but smile: Hn.

Steph, peaks through the door of Bruce's study room: Oooh, what's this I hear? Brucie Wayne, famous billionaire and playboy, is now a Grandpa? What would the ladies say? What would the male nation say now?

Bruce, pinches the bridge of his nose and focuses on the papers on the table: Hn.

Red Robin, speaks through the comms: I'll drive the Batmobile to you.

Batman: RR, I got it. Stay there-

Red Robin: Nah, I heard you complaining about your back pains the other night.

Batman: It's a regular occurance at this point of my life.

Red Robin, smirks: And we don't want it to be worse, right?

Batman sighs through the comms.

Red Robin: Exactly. ETA 10 minutes. Grandpa.

Batman, growls: Hn.

Duke: Just checking if you need anything before I head out for patrol, B.

Bruce, smiles: I appreciate it. Thank you Duke, but I'm good.

Duke: Steph and Tim said-

Bruce, narrows his eyes: What did they say to you?

Duke, grins: Nothing!

Bruce thinks Duke has left the Batcave but he suddenly shouts,

Duke: Watch your steps carefully when you come back up here, Grandpa. Maybe put more lighting in your cave.

Bruce: Hn.

Damian: How does it feel to be a Grandfather now, Father?

Bruce, smiles instantly: Really good. Lian is wonderful.

Damian, tries to hide a smile: I'm aware, Father. Does this mean Richard gets to be Batman again?

Bruce: What makes you say that?

Damian: Cus I don't you working too hard like Grandfather. That was unhealthy.

Bruce: I'm perfectly healthy, Damian. No need to worry-

Damian, turns off the batcomputer: I insist, Father. We shall put you to bed now.

Bruce: Isn't that my job?

Damian: I don't want to hear another word.

Bruce: Hn.

During breakfast

Jason, turns to face Bruce: Lian has been asking when she can visit her Grandpa.

Steph, howls: Brucie Wayne, the famous Grandpa of all time.

Tim, snickers: Batman, the greatest detective? More like the greatest Grandpa.

Duke, raises his glass of water: Hear, hear.

Cass, giggles as she covers her mouth.

Dick, laughs : Children, not in front of our food, please. Learn how to respect your elders.

Damian: Eat some more, Father.

Jason, laughs: They still at it, huh?

Bruce, sighs and covers his face behind the newspaper as his kids continue to tease him.

[joker-dc-rp]

Joker rates the Batfamily

Let's see how our bat brats stack up, shall we?

Bruce Wayne/Batman: My beloved Brucie bat! He's truly my soulmate, no notes needed. One day I will kill him and defile his corpse. 10/10.

Dick Grayson/Nightwing: Ah, yes, the original Boy Blunder. He was annoying then and he's annoying now. Sometimes I can still hear the patter of pixie boots...followed by machine gun fire. Hehehehe! 6/10.

Barbara Gordon/Batgirl: Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. We had such lovely, intimate times together. Definitely one of my best moments on camera...maybe not hers, though. Haha. 7/10.

Jason Todd/Red Hood: Ohh, this one is my favorite. Not only was his death a highlight of my career, he even came back from the dead just to torment ol Batsy even more! Ha! It kills me! Or him. Same thing. 9/10.

Tim Drake/Red Robin: Ugh, this kid. He's a smart one, I'll give him that, but he's no fun at all. I call upon all fanfic writers to give him more trauma immediately. 3/10.

Stephanie Brown/Spoiler: Interestingly, I don't know this one so well. I suppose she's smart enough to stay away from me. Though with a father like that, I'd wanna lie low too. 2/10.

Cassandra Cain/Orphan: This one gets on my nerves! Not only does she pack one helluva punch, but she doesn't find any of my jokes funny! Of all the insufferable little--!! -100/10.

Damian Wayne/Robin: This kid has absolutely no sense of humor, none of the charm of his predecessors. I guess he got the sour face from his grandpa. The swords are a nice touch, however. 4/10.

Duke Thomas/Signal: Ah, yes, the new kid on the batblock. This one should be interesting, considering what I did to his parents. Lots of potential here, but for now he's just an overdressed flashlight. 5/10.