#being trapped in abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

Asking for help when you're being abused, doesn't come naturally. It, in fact, feels counter-productive, dangerous, wrong, bad, shameful, mortifying, scary, burdensome (for the person you're asking), and sometimes the abused person can feel like they would rather keep to themselves forever, than reach out and say what is going on.

This is not accidental; abusers make it so on purpose. They spend a lot of effort convincing you that you're a burden on the entire world, that you're attention hungry and making things up to stir up drama, that you lie and remember things wrong, that you should be ashamed of what was done to you and how you made the abuser do it. Even if not spoken out loud, it is very clear that if you said anything to anyone, you would be punished, shamed, and put trough even worse abuse than what you're experiencing right now. That things would turn around to make you seem like you're the worse one in the situation and everyone would side with the abuser.

So reaching out for help, after a certain point, feels useless. Like you'd be only inconveniencing people around you, showing them how incapable you are, how helpless and pathetic and ashamed you feel, and nobody would be able to help you anyway. Abusers make it seem like they're above law and authority, the idea that just another person could do anything to stop them feels ridiculous. And there's a possibility outsiders will side with the abuser, making the situation infinitely worse for you, because they will tell the abuser and get you into worse trouble.

Not asking for help, and instead just surviving or maybe independently trying to get away, is not a sign of a fault, or a person not trying hard enough and not wanting help. It means the situation is so bad that involving another person might mean extra danger, and doesn't lead to resolving the situation.

When you think about it, what does your average person do to help someone in abuse? There's no easy steps to secure somebody's safety. A person might report it, which might end up just pissing the abuser off. The victim often has no other place to go, so now they're threatened with homelessness. Someone offering you a place to stay might work short-term, while also being dangerous, but victims need more than short-term solutions. They need permanent, foolproof and secure life plan to stay away from the abuser. They need resources that help them access safe places to indefinitely stay in, they need consistent income, and a community to keep them safe. This is not something that anyone can just offer, and even programs that offer some of this help, are temporary.

Sometimes we don't ask for help because we can tell that help is impossible, and sometimes, we're conditioned not to, we have gone trough torture for just thinking of telling someone what's going on. We still want the abuse to stop. We still need to get away. We're still doing our best to survive and escape, while also trying to not inconvenience anyone around us.

[lightyaoigami]

as we approach the thanksgiving holiday in the us, i am going to issue my annual reminder that you can say no to plans that you don't want to go to. you cannot "get in trouble" with your parents/guardians as an adult. the fear of getting in trouble is a holdover from childhood. people might stomp their feet and yell and uninvite you from future events, but that is not the same as "getting in trouble"; it is an emotional reaction to your boundary and as such it is not your problem. hope everyone enjoys the time off.

[dykedvonte]

Curly not immediately punishing Jimmy for assaulting Anya is something I don’t think a lot of people are viewing in the complex context for Curly as the superior to both of them and closest confidante they had.

Like I am in no way saying he didn’t under react or fail Anya by not being harsh or direct with Jimmy but it really is the case that he really couldn’t. Imagine being stuck in such a confined space with very little areas to genuinely hold someone if they commit a crime. It’s not like this was an event that occurred before they departed or that they have easy communication with The Pony Express to ask for how to proceed when something like this arises. Not to mention, Jimmy’s relative power in relation to Anya as the co-pilot and second in command, he has the knowledge and access to do something to her had Curly directly punished him in this setting.

They were also Curly’s friends. It’s not just the case of him mediating something between his subordinates but people he is personally invested in don’t want to see spiral further in Anya’s case while also not wanting believe his friend go that bad in Jimmy’s actions. They were both suicidal and Curly putting Jimmy’s stability first is both out of bias but also the fact he’s aware at some level Jimmy is a danger to himself and others if not constantly placated. Combined with the fact he was in denial or just not piecing together what Anya said it’s hard to say what he buying time for and what he had treat as urgent. This isn’t even saying he doesn’t care about Anya but he’s not going jump to the worst conclusions about his friends even if part of him acknowledges the evidence saying so. It’s a complicated thing but he’s still human and needed to process it on top of trying to keep a ship that already took on a lot of water from further sinking, metaphorically.

I just personally think that while Curly failed Anya, it was a scenario where there wasn’t much he could do to the best thing by her safely and like Jimmy, we are underestimating what a good leader would do in a very fragile and tense situation like he was in. By the time he may have been ready and had a plan, things were much too late.

[gbirrd]

6/9 - Jason Todd tarot card designs for Complete Candor by @vexfulfolly as part of the @batfam-big-bang

Read the fic here!

Other cards:

1-Babs 2-Cass 3-Bruce 4-Tim 5-Damian 6-Jason 7-Duke 8-Steph 9-Dick

Image IDs

Image 1:

A design of "The Devil" tarot card. It has the texture of recycled paper and reads "THE DEVIL". A symbol of a gravestone is visible behind the numeral "XV".

A young Jason Todd in his Robin uniform tugs at a thick chain around his neck that comes down from the top of the frame. Matching shackles are around his wrists and he is buried up to his waist in dirt. His head is tilted up towards the chain. There is blood on his hands, arms, chest, and dripping down the right side of his face as well as from his nose.

Image 2:

A design of "The Devil" tarot card. It has the texture of recycled paper and reads "THE DEVIL" upside-down. A symbol of a flame is visible behind the numeral "XV".

Jason Todd faces forward, filling most of the frame. He is in his Red Hood uniform and has narrowed pupil-less white eyes. He is holding the end of a thick chain in his right fist. Flames fill the background and bathe him in an orange light. The entire card is upside-down.

[charcoalowl]

The thing about Wooden Overcoats that interests me most is its almost gothic aspects. There are the surface nods to gothic aestheticism with the gloomy weather of a rural English island and the macabre setting of a funeral home run by the village outcasts. But I believe the Gothicism extends further into the themes and the characters themselves.

Antigone is most obviously reminiscent of the iconic character archetypes of gothic literature. She has an off putting, almost spectral presence. At the beginning of the story she is a complete shut in. Isolated from society, she only even leaves the house once a week to sit by herself in an empty theatre. There is also the matter of her fascination with the mortuary sciences and her reverence for it on a philosophical level. She can be seen in a sense as a keeper of death.

Rudyard conversely is completely consumed by his role as an undertaker. That his business is a family business is of great importance to him. Rudyard sees himself as the torch bearer of his family's legacy. It is revealed slowly over the course of the story how terrified he is at the thought of failing in his role. His inheritance is a gothic one not only because it has to do with death but in the sense that his whole life is haunted by it.

Funn Funeral home thus presents itself as a symbol akin to the haunted houses of gothic fiction. Funn does not stand for Rudyard's name but rather the Funn bloodline itself. It is a monument of tradition that exerts influence over the lives of its owners. It is also the site of the twins' childhood neglect. It is where Antigone learnt to reign in her personhood completely for fear of societal disapproval. It is where Rudyard lost himself to the expectations of his father. This familial rot trapped and inhibited the twins, and in true gothic fashion, festered for decades till the idea of moving beyond it became unthinkable.

[jayktoralldaylong]

Seeing Lestat again in Season 2 really reminded me how much Armand broke him. No one has been able to make Lestat cry the way Armand makes Lestat cry. And that's saying something cause his abusive parents and Magnus came before Armand, but no one has matched Armand's level of crazy.

And I think it's because the other tortures were...brief?

He ran away from home, the abuse from his parents stopped. Magnus died and that stopped too. Armand, meanwhile, has decided to dedicate the rest of his immortal existence to torturing Lestat. It has become his favourite pass time.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Even the scorned women are learning work from Armand. 💀

Everything about Armand just messes with a person's mind.I t's the way he's not even chasing Lestat around for me. 😭😭😭

He really like "I'm old enough to be your biggest problem by staying in the same spot for 5 centuries." And he was right. 💀😭

I hear the next season is gonna be The Vampire Lestat and oooooh boy. 💀💀 People are about to discover just how terrible Armand can be. Baby's name gonna be dragged in the mud when the secrets get out. Gonna see if he can gaslight his way out of this one.

(Who am I kidding? Bro was torturing Louis and Daniel AND still had us feeling sorry for him. He can gaslight his way out of anything.)

[the-cryptographer]

i ran low motorics for my first pt of de and imbetween all my save spamming i came to a really weird place coming into the tribunal. like, i really wanted titus and as many of his friends as possible to survive, and i was looking at a near impossible hand/eye coordination skill-check. and up until that point i had been super careful to avoid having harry do drugs anywhere where kim could see him and judge him for it, but i was falling far short of the save and the obvious thing was to snort up some speed to give myself the edge, so i did. and i felt like that was in a way the truest moment of the game.

like, i’m playing an addict. i’m going through withdrawal. my hand is shaking. my hand is shaking and i need it steady. ruining my physical and metal health in the longterm don’t matter rn, bc it’s my job to run into an impossible and impossibly violent situation and save as many people as i can, and if i can’t do that, what am i here for at all? more people are going to die unless i make this shot, and i can’t if my hand is shaking, and it’s not going to stop shaking until i get my drugs, and so the only reasonable choice to make is to take the drugs, and oh- that’s why he can’t quit! beyond all the difficulties and pain and emotional trauma of the withdrawal itself, there’s no way to keep doing this job (with an abnormally large case load according to kim) and to walk into life and death situations and not botch them, while under the strain of trying to quit. and, sure, because you won’t quit you’ll have breakdowns and go on benders and give yourself brain damage and crash your car, and they’ll dress you down and publicly humiliate you for it. but no matter how much they humiliate you, they’re also not going to give you proper medical care or lessen your case load or stop throwing you in life or death situations that require you keep using, so you can’t quit.

idk, just like... it’s very strange to me bc i keep seeing people throw out the idea that it’s a moral responsibility that Harry go sober (and beyond that a moral responsibility as the player to keep him sober) but this was honestly probably the best and most thought provoking moment in the game for me, and i feel like people are really cheating themselves out of it by getting so caught up in their personal feelings about addiction that they refuse to engage it.

[annabelle--cane]

I have been shoveling vampire media into my mouth like some kind of crazed ghoul for the last month and I have developed a real appreciation for performers who can just switch on the Menace at will with a handful of subtle body language shifts. it's a certain tightness to the face and squaring of the shoulders that suddenly makes me deeply afraid for the characters with whom they share a scene, like they momentarily shapeshift into a shark without really changing anything about their bearing. big shoutout to assad zaman as armand in interview with the vampire and gemma arterton as clara in byzantium in particular for giving this kind of performance.

[puhpandas]

just watched all the way through john fuhnaffs recent theory and like godd he really is cooking he truly is onto something but like. the idea that Cassies dad did all of thos important stuff and is connected to the mimic and built mxes and did all this shit is like. what do Gregory and vanessa even have to do with anything anymore at this point

[furiousgoldfish]

After you've been neglected as a child, people can use the power of simply giving you their attention, to gain anything from you later on in life. Attention is a resource that became so scarce and priceless and impossible to ask for, that you can only offer anything of yourself in return. You do not question attention, you don't judge if it's good or bad, you can't reject it. Your only fear is that it will go away.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

not to make angst out of a fucking gag but also thinking about the silly au rei in the final episode makes me think about how different rei would be if she didn’t have literally the worst dad ever. like, no, she probably wouldn’t have been the upbeat adhd whirlwind in the high school au lmao. but it does just make me think. because while all the pilots lives are incredibly marked by trauma, rei's the only one to have never had access to any sort of normal life. her entire personality and worldview is shaped from being isolated, groomed, and taught to see herself as a tool and not a person. and then i just get so sad that she never had any chance of a normal life where she could discover herself and what she is. she went from being abused and manipulated by gendō (which is made even worse with the implications certain scenes leave about their relationship) to becoming god. she never had any chance of living a normal life. and just like. fuck.

[carefulfears]

thinking about "you have a life" / "i don't know what i have" + "what do you want, dana?" / "i want everything that i should want at this time of my life" + the perceived shame in scully's loss of normalcy... "unlike you, mulder, i would like to have a life" + "do you believe in the afterlife?" / "i'd settle for a life in this one" + "don't you ever want to just stop? get out of the damn car? settle down and live something approaching a normal life?"

her friend ellen saying, "well, first you have to get a life." tara, pregnant with their christmas gift, saying that life before one grew inside her was "somehow...less, just a prelude," while barren dana cries in the kitchen. "i know you and dad were...disappointed...that i chose the path that i'm on."

thinking about how mulder said, "this is a normal life," and how she smiled. (he doesn't know any different). how, in the end, he said, "hey, scully? i know it's not your normal life, but thanks for coming out there with me."

(christmas before quantico, "i guess i'm afraid of making a big mistake. dad thinks i am." and missy's response: "it's not his life, dana.")

her application to adopt emily was rejected: "you're a single woman who's never been married or had a long-term relationship. you're in a high stress, time intensive, and dangerous occupation."

bill's reaction: "sounds like something your partner would say. this isn't about any little girl, dana. this is about you. it's about some...void, some emptiness inside you that you're trying to fill."

and mulder to the judge: "the fact that she can adopt this child, her own flesh and blood, is something i don't feel i have the right to question, and i don't believe anyone has the right to stand in the way of."

(that last christmas with missy before everything: "there is no right or wrong. life is just a path...just don't mistake the path for what is really important in life. the people you're going to meet along the way. you don't know who you're going to meet when you join the FBI. you don't know how your life is going to change, or how you're going to change the life of others.")

and ultimately, it all leads to a leather couch. and after contemplating that sacrifice of normalcy, what she should want, the decisions she could have made, she says, "i once considered spending my whole life with this man...what i would have missed."

she could've been a doctor, like her father wanted. she could've settled down, married waterston, had a normal life, like her friends and brother wanted. but what would she have missed?

"what if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong?" / "and all the...choices would then lead to this very moment. one wrong turn, and...we wouldn't be sitting here together."

[storyteller-aprendiz]

So maybe I am wrong but I don't think you can gendered Louis & Armand, the way you do Loustat.

Because neither Louis nor Armand are really the "housewife" in the situation. In Dubai and SF is Louis' initiative and therefore his business but Armand does have an equal role on it, tho Louis is the more capitalist/investment savy, Armand is like the one to schedule talks with buyers, help fix the houses etc. It is not Armand's home, like Louis moving into Lestat's, is THEIR home, both in Dubai and SF.

And like even if the bullshit with the books (which tf) and the tree are definitely Armand, the art, the furniture even the gray are Louis' (cause he's grieving). Like for me the Dubai penthouse is like a reflection of Louis' self/soul "You are in my coffin" as much as a manifestation of Armand controlling tendencies.

I saw a post about exactly this, like how Armand & Louis relationship is a Depiction of how even in the queerest of models and types of relationships abuse can still take part if people are not willing to question the systems, dynamics or just plane different levels of power their members have.

And then we have the D/S dynamic. Kink and BDSM are already shamed upon in our heteronormative society, because they play with the power dynamics that already exist in the relationship, and they create a separte extructure through safe-words and after care and good old communication in which both member can consent to those dynamics, be safe and most important GET PLEASURE from them.

And like, Armand as the powerfull abusive partner Technically, considering our heteropatriarchal lense should be dominant, but he gladly relinquished it to Louis. Which is a role we don't expect from the patriarch of the house.

Plus all of Louis' boys, means he has a sexual freedom that is not allowed to the "housewife". Though, of course that extend of freedom is still determine/manage by Armand, but not in the sense of Louis is sexually his, ergo he can't be with x. But rather Louis might get Hurt, so I need to control him, for his sake.

Which is why Armands abuse looks more to me like care-taker abuse than like the heteropatriarcal shit Lestat does.

Which I think, is also because Armand being a racialized man with a learned helplessness ingrained to him, really can't like inhabit the same role Lestat does in a home. He will always be a step down, cause masculinity and male privilege gets further away (or like changes? I think that's a better way to put it) the more marginalization you inhabit. Which also makes a lot of men of color double down in what little power it does grant's them (sometimes going to bigger like displays of power than the subtler types of white men), which you could argue Armand also goes for/participates in with the staging of the trial.

I hope anything I wrote here makes sense. But yeah, I think that the patriarchal husband/edwardian wife comparison even if it works as a lense to analyze Loustat, it falls apart for Louis & Armand.

[statementlou]

Maya went on The Internet Is Dead podcast to be interviewed about her relationship with Liam and it's interesting; I recommend it for people who were curious about untangling the details in her book from real life (they talk about this in a number of different places with some detail), people who think she's making everything up, and anyone else sending hostile asks about her- we know she is following the fandom talk and responding to it but I have to say it's very satisfying to listen to her rattle through the exact arguments anons on here are sending around and answer every one of them.

some detail below the cut:

The experience was kind of grating at times; maybe it's just me but I never find it enjoyable to listen to people outside of fandom or casual 1D fans talk about us, and I cringe and bristle literally every time someone says "these people" or "they think", plus the hosts are not super useful; they refer to her tiktoks and book repeatedly without actually giving context for the discussion, like I could do with the occasional "in the book you say…" rather than just chatting about it and leaving us to figure out what they are talking about (they don't even say the name of the book), but whatever. There's interesting stuff in there so it was worth it for me and if you prefer you can just get my highlights, here ya go-

-Her making the point that the media training all of the 1D guys have done from such a young age not only impacts how they talk to the press but also how they talk to people in their lives, the tools it gives them for communicating with (and in this case, manipulating) people was fascinating to me, I hadn't thought about that but I will be in the future with regard to all of them, it's just very interesting to have in mind

-she says she had the book read by lawyers before publishing because it was about someone real and real events, and provided proof for things they asked about

-she points out that she has nothing to gain from making this up, and that as someone who works in a law office and is planning to go to legal school, that the fact that bringing false accusations against someone is illegal would be a huge deterrent to lying

-she says that one of the reasons she initially soft pedaled in terms of outright saying that the book was about Liam was that podcasts and such she went on didn't want her to say it, didn't want the liability, and that when she did say it that part would not get printed or would be edited out (hey speaking of this what are all these interviews she did about the book why am I just now hearing about it... when you guys see stuff like this let me know! I am interested and will maybe recap for you even!)

-she mentions Liam's silence on the whole thing more than once; "if someone wrote that about me and it wasn't true I would not just say nothing!"

-she says that her and Liam went to see After not knowing it was a 1D fanfic and then, after finding that out, he joked that she should write a book about them, and that it was where the seed of the idea came from

[himehomu]

Homura did nothing wrong. And I stand by that. Because, she didn't do anything wrong towards anyone nor did she do anything with malicious intent. The only thing she did wrong is entirely in regards to herself. Rather than basing Homura's entire character around an act she made out of love or reduce her character to an evildoer with no morals nor love in her heart like some people still do to this day under the poor facade of “valid criticism,” I'm going to explain what Homura actually did wrong in Rebellion and her what her act of selfishness actually was.

What Homura did wrong was condemn herself to suffering as an immortal deity, the Devil whom acts as a rebellion against God, The Law of Cycles, strict laws of the original universe, which included Madoka Kaname not existing. That is what she did wrong, but not in the black and white, Good-vs-Evil way most people interpret this as. Yes, they are meant to be enemies one day, but because God favors rules and always doing the right thing, whereas the Devil favors her desire to stay in a world where Madoka is happy, where her friends are happy, where they are safe and have a chance at a life. A desire for happiness vs maintaining order of a broken world for the greater good, even if maintaining order means making sacrifices and making hard choices that directly rebel against that desire and yearning for happiness.

But, here is why Homura is wrong in dooming herself to her fate as the Devil. It's very subtle, but seconds before the Flower Field scene, as they are walking, Madoka turns and tells Homura that it really hurts her seeing her in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. This may seem like a simple thing a friend would say, but remember that Madoka lost her memories as a goddess. And, as a goddess, she was stuck alone in Heaven having to watch life go by, Homura's life go by, and wasn't able to interfere. Think about that for a second. Think about being Madokami.

Think about when she could finally understand just how much Homura did for her, just how much Homura fought for her in all those time loops; the moment she's able to reciprocate her feelings, she fades from existence as the consequence. Wanting so badly to comfort Homura as she bears the psychological burden of being the only person to remember her, to know her, to miss her, to grieve and mourn her. Thinking the only time she’ll ever be able to see let alone talk to Homura again is when she’s essentially dying from all the grief, the pain, the guilt, the sadness of not being able to save her from her fate of being a goddess trapped in isolation. Think about that, then look at what she says here again. Of course it hurts Madoka seeing Homura hurting so badly and feeling powerless to do anything about it. Because that's what she's been doing as The Law of Cycles. Much like how she said she'd never make the decision to become a Goddess in the first place a few seconds later, she says this because this is the real Madoka who loves and cherishes Homura, who hates to see her hurt.

Take that into consideration when looking at what Homura turns herself into at the end of Rebellion, how she's suffering and you can see the exhaustion on her face and in her eyes, how you can see the immortality essentially sucking the humanity out of her to the point where she herself believes she is evil. This was never about Good vs. Evil. This is about Homura hating herself so much not only for being unable to save Madoka, but possibly even for loving her in the first place considering her love is what made her powerful enough to condemn herself to her fate as a Goddess trapped in Heaven with her wish. This is about Madoka hating herself so much to where she only deems herself worthy so long as she's helping others, her self-loathing making her reduce herself to a sacrificial lamb and throwing away her life for the better of everyone else, caring so little for herself and being unable to even fathom that she'd be mourned or grieved if she were to die, thus sacrificing herself over and over, seeing herself as a means to an end if it means freedom for everyone she loves. Madoka has always been there to comfort Homura and protect her since the first timeline. How can she do that if her memories and powers to do so are locked away? She can't. Because Homura doesn't believe she deserves Madoka's love.

Homura doesn't believe she's worth Madoka's sacrifice in becoming a God and Madoka doesn't believe she's worth Homura's sacrifice in becoming the Devil. Madoka cannot understand that she is so so much more than what she can give to other people whilst Homura is the only one that does. Homura can't understand that dooming herself to immortality pains and hurts Madoka because she can't do anything about it thus she can't save her from her suffering like how Homura ceased her suffering. It's a cycle. A snake eating it's own tail. A pumpkin that spins round and round and round. They're both selfish and they're both selfless. Homura is selfish in the sense that she's not taking into consideration how Madoka would feel if she knew how much she were suffering as the Devil for her sake yet she is being selfless because she's only suffering as the Devil for Madoka and her family and their friends to have a happy life. Madoka is selfish in the same sense that she's not taking into consideration just how psychologically damaging it is for Homura to not only have to watch her die over and over again throughout 100 timelines but to then erase herself from existence with Homura being the only one to remember her and she is selfless by of course only sacrificing herself so much because she cares for everyone and all Magical Girls, Homura especially included. They both love each other enough to sacrifice themselves for the other but they both hate themselves so much to where they believe they are undeserving of the other's love hence they keep dooming themselves to suffering in isolation and in turn dooming each other.

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

Anyways smth about Wyll’s (magical) inability to speak about his pact and how he made it. Just immediately spoke to me and has been in my head 24/7 as an abuse survivor.