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nabaath-areng · 3 months ago

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I don't know how to handle breaking down like this, I was free for a while from the bouts of complete and utter inability to move and react to my environment for between an hour to several hours at a time while my heart and pulse go absolutely haywire, I have barely any energy to keep up a conversation without feeling like I have to disconnect from my body entirely, I feel like all I do these days is despairing over the fact that I don't know what's wrong, that I'm not strong enough to fight for any sort of help and worrying that by the time someone cares enough to look it will be too late for me.

I know full well that I've had the means to recognize when something's wrong completely beaten out of me and it terrifies me to think that I won't be able to distinguish between daily shit vs actual danger. I don't recognize myself, I don't know how to feel normal, my physical breakdown is stealing everything I love from me and I'm starting to lose hope.

My throat hurts so fucking bad because the tears want to explode but they can't cause I've lost almost all ability to show both pain and negative emotion like crying. I'm trying to stay normal, to force myself to do the things I love, but I get so exhausted and I feel like a burden on everyone I know for being a mere shell of my former self. Even when I was broken down from psychosis people told me that I made them laugh. I used to be on the phone with my mom for up to 3 hours every time. Now I can't even read her messages without feeling horrible dread about being unable to mentally conjure up a response.

I'm starting to resent my home even though I love it because it's starting to turn into my prison. At least before I could leave the house and go out. Now I have to debate whether or not it's safe for me to shower half of the time. I fall from the stars more and more often nowadays. I keep passing out and injuring myself, both small dips and full out collapses. My hearing and vision both black out more often than before. My foot is deforming itself, and so is my knee it seems. My thumbs are broken beyond repair. Brain gets so foggy I can't do anything but stare into nothing.

I struggle with speech more and more, language is getting harder, and I struggle more and more in games including FFXIV because I lose all ability to move my hands and grasp what they should do or where they should be or move. I am struggling to keep my composure when upset more than usual or I get so apathetic that the thoughts I get scare me with how uncharacteristically negative they are. One day activity requires several days to recover from.

I keep trying to not talk about it cause I don't wanna burden anyone or make everything about myself to be this, but god it's turning out that way anyway and it's not like I'm even good at pretending that this isn't killing me on a fundamentally soul deep level.

I want to be okay so fucking bad and I want to be happy and I wanna draw and write and play games and talk to and hang out with friends and loved ones and take walks and grocery shop and cook and bake and so much more. I don't know how to not feel useless now that I'm losing the extremely few things I actually had potential with.

Maybe my worth as a person does not lie in my productivity but I guess I'm a bad disabled person then for finding it hard to be happy about losing everything I fought to stay alive for. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point I'm so tired and sad and

I don't know what to do about it and I don't know how to make things better even though I'm desperate to figure something out that doesn't require me to humiliate myself before healthcare providers that scold and berate me for being a stupid autistic hypochondriac tranny addicted to google and benefits. More and more it seems like the most likely outcome is a downwards spiral of this until there's nothing left and every part of me is beyond repair and salvation. A slow and painful demise outside my control. I don't know how to process the possibility that I might not get to live as long as I maybe should.

#im sorry i promise to cheer up and i likely will #but rn im so fucking scared and distraught #i dont want anyone to think that i dont have some better days #or that i dont like talking to people #nothing makes me happier than that #in fact its one of my sole joys these days whdjdkdkdkd #i just wish i was better at it #god im screaming into the fucking void and im most likely deleting this later out of shame but hehrjfjewek #at the very least i wish i could just cry rn #silvi talks

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satans-helper · 9 months ago

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Smother the Flame in Your Heart - Part XIV

Read previous parts here or read on Ao3

Pairing: Danny Wagner x Sam Kiszka

Word Count: ~3500

Warnings: vampire stuff, you know how it is;)

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“I really don’t know how else to explain this to you,” Sam said to Josh. They had been sitting outside in the same patio chairs that Jake and Danny had been sitting in on the night of their birthday celebration, and Sam was completely exhausted. He missed Danny desperately. But he also felt perhaps just as much red-hot rage and betrayal so strong that it blew through him like a tornado.

“Samuel, just saying something is something doesn’t make it true,” Josh countered, small enough to lift his legs up and cross them in the chair. “Just saying Danny is a vampire isn’t going to make me believe it.”

Sam groaned, tipping his head back to look at the blazing sunset for a few seconds instead of his brother’s disbelieving face. He actually hadn’t expected Josh to be such a hard sell–Josh loved mythology as much, if not more, than his twin, and was always full of whimsy, always creating stories and lore of his own.

“I told you, Josh,” Sam whined, snatching the pack of cigarettes that was sitting idly between them. He’d never smoked so much in his life apart from the past four days. “The hickies, Danny avoiding you–that’s stuff you saw firsthand. I’ve felt his fangs in me, I get to see them all the time. Those are real. He drinks blood for fuck’s sake, and he has to drink it to stay alive.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“What, like I’m gonna take a moral stance against a fucking hot as fuck vampire who actually doesn’t kill people?” Sam snorted with a cigarette in one hand and the lighter in the other. “Yeah, right.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” Josh said, taking the pack back for his own indulgence. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around it, that’s all. How have I been alive for this long and not known vampires are real?”

“Danny always stresses that it’s not glamorous,” Sam supplied, and saying his name again had his heart turning wistful and sore. “Like I said before, he refers to it as a disease. He’s been infected and it’s just something he has to deal with, but he doesn’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m sure he’s not alone in trying to be stealth.”

“Does he hurt you?”

Sam shook his head while he took a drag. “Fuck no. I fucking love it.”

Josh snorted. “I should have known. You’ve never once looked…hm. Turned off by him, I suppose I could say.”

Sam’s cheeks flushed. “TMI, Josh. Sorry.”

Josh gave a wave of his hand. “Nah, fuck it. He’s hot, Sammy. Anyone can see that.”

Sam narrowed his eyes behind the smoke and stared at his brother. “Shut the fuck up. Don’t get any ideas. Jake’s bad enough for–” He stopped, fingers going limp as they held the cigarette, not sure what he was even accusing Jake of.

“Bad enough for what? You don’t think they’ve fucked around, do you?”

The incredibly brief blip of that image sent Sam’s heart into a wild frenzy, his mind reeling, the smoke in his lungs acrid. “No, I know they haven’t. Danny would never. He said he just wants to be friends.”

“Also fair.”

Sam sighed, physically too exhausted to get worked up into his own frenzy. “So, since Danny got ‘infected’ or however you want to say it, he’s isolated himself. He’d go out to feed, y’know, because he had to, and he has his job and his family. But that was it.” He took another drag, not entirely ignoring how his hand was shaking a bit. “He didn’t know how to tell anyone. Like, of course no one would believe him, right? You don’t.” At that, Josh shook his head, but Sam went on: “And then we found each other and it’s been great. And maybe I’m being selfish because, fuck it, yeah, a part of me wants all of Danny all to myself all the time. But I know he deserves friends and he and Jake get along really well, but–shit. Why’d they have to fucking lie to me, Josh?”

Josh was silent, face contemplative with his eyes cast out, looking into the trees and the sky for a few moments, then he said, “All I can say right now, Sammy, is that Danny loves you like a motherfucker and it sounds like he was a little scared and unsure of how to navigate all of this. As for Jake, you know he’d never do anything to hurt you. He’s just–” Another, shorter pause as Josh waved his hand in the air, searching for the word while Sam searched his face. “He’s a romantic. And you know how much he loves vampires. To him, I bet it seems like you hit the jackpot and he can’t even get a scrap of leftovers.”

“Yeah, well,” Sam began, looking down at the ash he tapped from his cigarette. “Danny’s mine. Sucks to be Jake, I guess.”

“Sam. We need to take this in stride. Jake is your brother. Yes, he should have done more than just hint to you by reading Dracula in front of you,” Josh said with a quiet chuckle. “But put yourself in his place for a second. I have a feeling you’d also be trying to covet a secret friendship with a vampire, too.” He leaned over to elbow Sam in the arm. “Hello, Sammy! You were already doing that.”

“It’s Danny’s secret, not mine. I wasn’t just gonna tell you guys.”

“Well, did you talk more with Danny about that after your birthday trip? It sounds like you wanted it to be a secret more than he did.”

Sam’s shoulders slumped; he flicked ash from the cigarette again and gave a simple but despondent, “Not really.”

“Ah. Perhaps that’s worth considering,” Josh replied, gently jostling Sam’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay, but you all have to make it okay. I also bet Danny is dying to see you right now.”

“Yeah.” Sam let the silence stick around, smoking some more, letting the acrid smoke fill his lungs some more, until a little alarm rang in his head. “Oh fuck,” he sputtered, that smoke spewing from his lips. “He hasn’t–shit, he hasn’t fed in so long.” The explicit thought being, Danny could actually be dying.

“How long?” Josh asked, Sam not even fully looking at him as he sprung to his feet and grabbed his phone from the deck banister. “How long can he go?”

“About a week,” Sam replied, hitting the call button beneath Danny’s name on his screen. “A week on average. Sometimes a little longer, but not much.”

“How long has it been?”

Sam stamped the cigarette out in the ashtray so hard the whole thing skidded off the table and onto the deck floor, gray ash puffing into the air. “Longer than that.” He could see now how selfish he’d been about all of this, but not even realizing Danny had gone so long without blood made Sam want to die himself. Danny also, Sam knew, wouldn’t go out for a stranger again. Not after he learned how much it hurt Sam, how much Sam begged, what they ended up having together. No, Danny would just let himself starve to simply not bother anyone else, Sam especially.

“No answer?” Josh asked, glancing up from his kneeling position on the wood, trying to scoop whatever ash he could back into place.

Sam huffed and dialed again. “No.” It rang and rang and went to voicemail again. He locked his phone and started to charge back to the house. “I gotta go over there.”

Not a second passed before Josh said, right behind him, “I’m coming with you, Sammy.” Sam kept moving, gathering his keys, putting on shoes, frantic and frazzled until a small yet strong hand found his arm and made him steady. “He’ll be alright,” Josh said, and though the statement was admittedly a little comforting, Sam couldn’t fully believe it.

“I’d love it if you could help me,” Danny told Jake, looking at his neck, his bare arms and wrists–the parts of his body that were visible and that Danny could bite. The parts he did want to bite and drink from, not even to test his taste theory or because he was attracted to Jake, but because he really was so desperate. “But if we did that, Sam would hate me and then, not to be melodramatic or anything, but I really wouldn’t have much of a reason to live.” Not since the beginning of his new life as a vampire had he ever been so depleted–completely empty and clinging to life. But there was no way in hell he was going to betray Sam any further.

Jake let out a long, slow breath with a matching slow nod. “Okay. So let’s call Sammy, right? At the very least, you guys need to talk.”

Danny nodded too, grabbing his phone from the end table beside the couch. He’d had it on mute all day and had hardly looked at it, since each time he did he just wanted to reach out to his boyfriend over and over. A cold chill ran down his spine when he saw the missed calls from Sam, all from just a few minutes prior.

“He’s been calling me,” he told Jake, putting the phone to his ear after he hit “call back.” On the second ring, Sam picked up the call, a quick blurt of Danny’s name punctuated with a question mark coming in past the sound of wind. “Hey, Sam,” Danny said, sitting forward on the couch, legs bent straight, feet against the floor, while Jake shifted next to him, positioning himself the same way.

“Thank god you’re alive,” Sam said. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Danny–I didn’t even realize how long it’s been. I’m on my way.”

Danny’s instinct led him to thoughts of, You don’t have to, it’s okay, don’t worry about it, take all the time you need, but no–fuck that, he concluded. “You’re my hero,” he said instead, smiling a little and nearly forgetting Jake was even next to him. “My white knight. You know I just wanna see you though, right? It’s not about–”

“You need it, Daniel, and I want you to have it from me.”

Danny became more aware of Jake again; he glanced over at him picking at the label on his beer bottle and watching Danny right back. “I always want it from you. I always want you.”

“You’re gonna be fine, Danny. Promise. We’ll talk more after,” Sam told him. “I’m almost there. Josh is with me, by the way.”

Danny swallowed. “That’s totally cool. Um–Jake is here.”

An unsettling pause festered for a long moment before Sam said, “Oh, he is? Great. That’s–fuck. Did you–”

“No. Nothing,” Danny interrupted. “We’ve just been talking. He was worried.”

Sam sighed. “Fine. I really don’t want to see him right now but–it’s fine. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Soon,” Danny repeated. “Thank you.”

More unsettling silence–foreign to Danny when he was normally with Jake–settled in the apartment. Thankfully, the wait was short and soon enough, his buzzer went off; Danny got to his feet again but, also again, found himself wobbly and lightheaded. Jake hopped up and placed gentle hands on his shoulders, easing him back down onto the couch.

“Just sit,” he said, voice soft, even a bit weak–Danny didn’t doubt Jake was also feeling guilty now. “I’ll let them up.”

“I should give Sam my spare keys,” Danny said, embarrassed that he hadn’t offered them any sooner. They’d just always come to his place together. Perhaps those keys would be one step in the road to making up with his boyfriend.

“He’d like that,” Jake said, who stayed idle by the door, letting his body relax against the wall while his face looked anything but. It was odd for Danny to see him that way; then again, Danny could imagine how odd he looked too, all drained and debilitated.

After being buzzed up, no knock interrupted the dreadful silence that had resumed–Sam just burst through the door, blazing right past Jake while Josh trailed behind him, and Danny barely had time to blink before his beloved was right in front of him. Sam sank to his knees in front of the couch, hands resting on Danny’s thighs as he looked up at him with far more worry and care than Danny had been expecting to receive right away.

“Fuck. Fuck, Danny, I’m so sorry,” Sam said, grimacing and taking one of Danny’s hands in his.

Danny chuckled. “Do I really look that bad?”

“You look sick,” Sam said, unable to be any more descriptive than that. Before he’d realized how long it had been since Danny had fed, he’d been prepared to eventually approach him with guns blazing, with the rage and self-righteousness he was so comfortable with. All that changed once he realized the situation and his feelings softened further when he got Danny on the phone; but being right in front of him and seeing the pale skin, hollowed cheeks, the bruise-like half moons beneath his eyes and dry lips alarmed Sam so badly that he knew he had just as much to feel guilty about. If not more.

“Hey,” Josh said, just loud enough to break both Sam and Danny’s focus. “Jake and I are gonna go for a walk. We’ll come back and talk?”

Danny nodded; Sam huffed and turned back to him as he said to his brothers, “Don’t rush.” When the door shut and they were in the clear, Sam got up and planted himself right in Danny’s lap, hands on those usually strong but now slumped and deflated shoulders. “Okay, let’s go. And before you say it, don’t say it.”

Danny felt better just being able to touch Sam, though the hunger undeniably remained. It even grew with Sam on top of him, his scent all up in Danny’s face, his skin so smooth and perfect looking, then warm beneath his hands as Danny gripped Sam’s arms. “Say what?”

“Say ‘are you sure?’”

“Well–”

Sam grabbed a fistful of hair from Danny’s nape and gave a warning tug. “Nope. I’m not playing that game today, Daniel.” He brought his neck closer to Danny’s mouth. “Drink up.”

Finally wise enough to not question anything further, Danny did. He hugged Sam into his body, brushed his hair back and sank his teeth into that beautiful neck. He was so overwhelmed by finally being able to hold his boyfriend again, smell him, taste him again, that he didn’t care about the brutal “hickey” that would be leftover or how they even got to this point in the first place. He just breathed and tasted, drinking up his fill of warm, sweet, unbelievably delicious blood from his unbelievably incredible boyfriend.

Sam didn’t really care either at the moment. He closed his eyes and hugged Danny right back, sighing and relaxing as he sucked as much as he needed, always so careful to never go even slightly overboard. It might have been weird–even downright messed up–but Sam felt safe when they did this. He wanted Danny to feel the same way. So he kept holding him tight as Danny slurped the last little mouthful, then licked and kissed the bite marks until they faded.

“So are you okay?” Sam asked once Danny pulled back. His neck burned as his skin always did once the biting and bloodsucking was over, but his heart burned even hotter.

Danny sighed through his nose as he licked his lips. He finally felt warm and sort of full–relieved and safe physically, but still unsteady emotionally. “I don’t know. Are we okay?”

Sam slid off Danny’s lap and sat beside him instead, suddenly feeling quite debilitated himself. “I don’t know.” He looked over at the beer bottle that had been left behind by his brother. “What’s been going on with you and Jake?”

“Not really anything, honestly, Sam,” Danny said, reaching for his own neglected beer. “I didn’t think so anyway. I just–it’s like I told you. I was worried he’d lose interest in being my friend if the secret between us died so fast, you know? Like, I just wanted to keep a little intrigue. A little mystery.”

“Danny, what’s more intriguing and mysterious than just being a fucking vampire?” Sam countered, taking the beer for a sip of his own after Danny drank. “I don’t get why it needed to be a secret for you two.” He saw the hurt in Danny’s face and continued: “But I don’t think I made things very easy for you. I was the one who was adamant about everything being secret from everyone and…and that wasn’t fair to you.”

Danny sighed. “Thank you.”

“I just didn’t want you with anyone else anymore. Anyone else, including my brothers.”

“I have no interest in being with anyone else.” Danny chuckled and took the beer back. “Why do you think I’ve been fucking starving lately?”

Sam lunged forward to plant a kiss on Danny’s forehead, cradling his face in his hands. “You’re a good boy. I know. And I’m a fucking selfish asshole.”

Danny shook his head, taking Sam’s hands in his own. “We’ve both been a little selfish. We can work through that. Right now, I’m more worried about you and Jake.”

Sam flopped back with a loud sigh, gangly limbs draping themselves over the half of the couch where Jake had been sitting. “Yeah, me too. But I’m pissed at him. Don’t I have a right to be?”

“You do,” Danny agreed, knowing the road to success for everyone was placating Sam above all else. “I think there’s some things he wants to explain to you. But I can tell you now that he never meant any harm.”

Sam believed that. Jake and Josh and Sam had never been anything but loyal, ride-or-die best friends and brothers since they were kids, no matter how many fights they had throughout the years. Sam would prefer to hash things out with fists than words, but he knew that wouldn’t work this time. Still, when the twins returned and Jake started explaining his side of things, hearing that he had feelings for Danny made it very difficult to not start throwing punches. That was an even worse secret. It proved Sam’s hunches had been right and made Jake to be even more of a traitor in his mind.

Hands clenching into tight fists while Jake spoke, Sam was so hurt and angry he was mostly speechless, only sparing a few grunts of disapproval and scoffs. Jake looked hurt too, with sad, dark eyes that pleaded for his brother to just take it easy on him, not even necessarily forgive him. Beside him, Danny kept one hand on Sam’s thigh as if to try and keep him from springing up and lashing out; but as much as Sam felt that urge, he also still felt exhausted. He had to remind himself that he wasn’t a teenager anymore–he had to remember that if there was one thing he could never control, it was how other people felt. It wasn’t Jake’s fault he had a crush on Danny. It wasn’t Danny’s fault either. It wasn’t Danny’s fault he was a vampire. But it was Sam’s own fault for being so demanding and harsh, for trying to box his boyfriend in and for making it even harder for those secrets he hated so much to be revealed at all.

“I just like vampires,” was what Jake concluded with, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the couch, looking down and fiddling with the fibers of the carpet. “I like Danny too, for more reasons than just that. I’m really sorry I crossed a line, Sam. And Danny, too. Sorry to both of you.”

Sam let all of Jake’s words linger for a minute while he let his breathing slow. With another sigh, he sat forward, hanging his arms between his knees, and looked at his brother as he said, “I love you, Jake. Just stop fucking flirting with my boyfriend.”

Both twins’ faces relaxed at that, but Josh was the first to actually laugh. Jake laughed next, quieter, and nodded while he replied, “Okay. I can do that.”

“You have to admit it, Sammy,” Josh chimed in, and Sam knew it must have been excruciating for him to stay silent this whole time. “Danny really is quite alluring.”

“I admit that freely,” Sam said, giving his boyfriend a grin before turning back to his brothers. “But he’s mine.”

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Tagging: @mackalah @sparrowofrhiannon @starbuggie @lightsofthe-living-gvf @sanguinebats @gvfrry @clairesjointshurt @bizzielisteningtogreta @milojames16 @brokebellsgvf @streamsofstardust

If you’d like to be tagged in any of my fics, you can go here or DM me :)

#ty to everyone who has requested to be tagged y'all are my champions!#greta van fleet #gvf #danny wagner #sam kiszka #danny gvf #sam gvf #josh kiszka #jake kiszka #josh gvf #jake gvf #danny wagner x sam kiszka #gvf fanfiction #sanny #stfyh

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lizthinspo · 5 months ago

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i keep thinking to myself just make it to the end of the year and then ur free to do whatever you please but until then we are crying and screaming my lungs out. isn’t it so funny how the only way i can feel ok is through being myself and driving around, bc that’s how i clear my head probably bc i wish there could be a reckless driver in my path that can pls kill me so i don’t ever have to go back home. i can’t go home. it’s like im not even wanted there, i know when im not wanted somewhere. it’s summer, MY summer, im supposed to be living, instead im crying thinking about ending my life, i feel like im losing control. the things that i used to make myself feel ok are being taken away from me daily. i feel like im going insane bc everything i do is somehow wrong or not what was needed of me and it hurts so much bc how else am i supposed to be alive and happy and ok if im not loved by myself and i hate myself inside and outside i feel like im not good enough for anybody, i feel like im the one person ppl always forget abt like when we’re in a public setting and with a bunch of ppl, i feel like im always the one to have been forgotten or left out. its a horrible feeling honestly bc I WAS THERE. i feel like i don’t deserve anything and i really don’t. but since ik these are my last few memories i want to make the most of them but im also scared of my mom and what she’ll say of me when im happy. and yes i smoke and drink and cvt but honestly i love smoking bc it takes away all of my pain and im left feeling nothing, ik it seems crazy but it makes me feel like im going to make it out alive and ok even for a split second but thats why im always smoking. bc you most def don’t help me feeling ok, you’re the reason why i never feel safe nor ok nor alive nor happy. i enjoy drinking bc im not gonna make it to 21 so im just getting to still experience it and also it makes me feel happy and danceful and full of joy but you always seem to take it away from me always and it truly sucks so much because sometimes i do really want to be happy w you bc you’re my mom. and i wanna be good for you but no matter what i do you can never truly appreciate anything i do. that’s why ive given up, bc you’re never gonna open ur eyes and actually see how much im trying. this summer i had so much planned! i was so hyped and excited abt it, you should’ve heard me all of senior year, talking abt how happy i was gonna be bc im free from school and im finally gonna be able to be me. idk what else you want from me, i wanna go out and have sleepovers and have friends and be out w them for hours on end and stay out late. you say i can’t go out bc im drinking but maybe if i went out more often without ur fucking mf bitch phone call on my ass every single minute. i wouldn’t be out drinking and smoking everyday as you probably think i do now bc i could actually experience happiness. and ykw my #1 rule is to never cvt myself for anyone else’s problems but i truly think that this one deserves one bc i think if she takes my car im actually gonna lost and idk what to do. i keep saying and telling myself to keep pushing for jared and jensen and misha but i don’t think i can bc im so tired and over everything i don’t wanna live anymore. i wanna slit my wrists or hang myself to my death bc i cannot bear the thought of you saying that you’re disappointed in me bc that shattered my heart and to just continue to tell me these awful things that i wish i could respond with just fucking kill me already FUCKING KILL ME! i’m sure that’s what she wanted to do either way. she says she’ll be here for whenever you need me but i don’t need you i’m fine without you in fact i’m better off without you. ik that my intentions are good for others not for myself bc everything i’ve heard come from your mouth i believe by the amount of times that you’ve told me the same things so much so that i start to believe it myself and that translates over to me hating myself constantly and not being able to experience having real friends and have a relationship and to just experience any from of love

#anaorxia #d!e #ana progress #tw depressing stuff #depressing cvts #ed relapse #tw ed sheeran #i need to lose this weight #i wanna be perfect #i wanna kms #im going to kms #i want to kms #im dying #ready to kms #kms #not enough space

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yinnina · 2 years ago

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A Black Ban?

"You hear that?" Gabby asked me, to which I nodded.

"How fucking loud can someone be?" I asked her in return. The sound came from behind the Grab-N-Go, it was probably a couple.

They were obviously having hard sex.

"Ugh, that's disgusting." Whispered Gabby, looking down to the floor with red cheeks.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, let's go, I hate hearing them."

"Wanna check out where he was last seen?" Asked Gabby and I nodded my head yes, getting out my radio to inform the other till something caught my eye.

"Hey, tell me I ain't going crazy." I whispered.

There was a black ban passing by the Grab-N-Go, with the logo of a spade and words under it saying 'Abracadabra Entertainment & Supplies'

By the looks of it, a man with a top hat was driving the ban.

His face was pale, but it obviously was make-up since it wasn't a natural pale.

"Yeah, you ain't. All about him and the ban screams red flags." She whispered back.

I grabbed my Walkie-talkie from my front pocket, and leaned on the wall to the right of the Pinball Machine, watching as Hopper played.

"Hey, y'all copy?" I asked.

"Yeah." it was Aryanah.

"You bet." Ren answered.

"There's this ban," I told, "it's all black and has a stamp on it, like if it was a circus of sort."

It was quiet at first, only sound I was able to hear was the point scoring Vance did every other second.

"Alright, we'll be careful." Said Gaby.

"We'll keep y'all updated on his location, since he's currently at the Grab-N-Go with us." I whispered.

It went silent for a few minutes till I grabbed my Walkie-talkie again, watching the pale man closely.

"Gaby, come pick up Gabby for me."

"What?!" Gabby asked, stunned at how I wanted to be left by myself with a suspicious old man waiting for one of us to leave so he could hunt us down.

"Pick her up through the back." I ordered through the radio, getting a simple 'alright' back.

"[Y/N], you are basically asking to be killed!" She whisper-yell at me.

"I need you to be safe, it's been barely an hour and this guy already showed up." I whispered back.

I didn't want her to end up missing, no way I was risking it.

"What about you?" She asked softly after calming down her nerves.

I thought about it, but it was simple quick thinking. There was not much to it, I could either stay here with Vance or stalk the guy enough to find at least something about him.

"I'll be fine." I told her as I got the sign from Ren through the radio that they were here.

"Go through the back, and make sure you don't get seen on your way out." I told her, hugging her tight before she left.

"Good luck." I whispered to no one.

I went and leaned on the wall next to Vance, watching him play and keeping an eye out for the ban.

"You looking for 'Mr. Oh-So-Popular'?" Vance asked me.

"You are one to talk, Hopper, everyone knows you, making you just as popular, if not more than him." I told him, still staring at the machine.

He don't look away from the arcade game he was so obsessed about.

"Everyone knows me because they know not to mess with me. They know him because he's nothing but a pretty face."

I didn't say anything. There wasn't much I could say to him about that, he was right after all.

I did talk to Yamada, but it wasn't an everyday thing, we only talked when it came to orchestra class, him being a first chair cello while I was a first chair violin.

He was very talented, I give him that, but even for that, everyone who went to our concerts was there to see his 'beauty.'

I shrugged at Vance, humming along.

"That ban won't be going anywhere any time soon unless you leave, you know." He told.

I shrugged, "Then I guess I should stay here."

"They will close the store in about 10 minutes from now, no way you aren't getting out alive."

I was thinking about it earlier, I knew I told Gabby I would come up with a plan, but in truth to be told, I couldn't. It was nothing but a suicide mission.

The odds of being kidnapped were very high, even if I was with her. I didn't want her to get hurt, so I had to lead her out of the store safely without her being seen.

I didn't realize I was in such deep thoughts, not until the cashier called out to us, telling us to leave for closure, "Then I guess I will be the next one." I whispered to myself, but Vance was able to catch.

Hopper grabbed my arm, leading me out of the back door, "Come on, I'll drop you off."

"What's this? Some romance movie of sorts? I can defend myself, and you know that." I told him, not wanting to get him caught up in my trouble.

"Be grateful, you fucker, I'm saving your ass from getting killed." He said harshly.

I only looked at him, staring at the back of his head due to him walking in front of me.

I looked back a few times, making sure that the ban wasn't following us. We only saw it once, but with the rush running through my system I told Vance to go through a small alley where he won't be able to drive through, making him have to drive around it, taking about a minute or two due to its curves.

In the mean time when it was making its way towards us slowly, we ran as fast as we could to make him lose our trail. We ran through a few alleys, making sure that they were shortcuts to my house.

Once we reached it, he let go of my arm, making the warm leave to try and warm up the cold around the air.

"Thank you, Hopper." I said, bowing down slightly in gratitude. If it wasn't for him, then I might've gone missing, not to be seen ever again.

"Vance." He said, with a surprisingly calm expression resting on his face.

I looked at him in confusion, letting out a small 'huh?'

"Just call me Vance, I despise it when you call me Hopper." He admitted.

After the shock passed, I nodded to him quickly, making sure he knew that I heard him correctly.

"Thank you once again, I owe you one, and a big one." I said.

"It's alright, now go and make sure you don't die, 'cause I won't be there to save your sorry ass." He ordered.

I chuckled slightly but then looked up at him with a serious face, "What about you? Will you be alright?"

He looked taken aback with my worrying about him, but he nodded quickly after that, "I live just right around the corner, so I will be fine."

I hummed and walked up to the footsteps of my door, "Be safe, Vance, 'cause I promise I'll drag you out of hell if you die." We both chuckled lightly.

Once we bid our goodbyes I made sure to watch him walk away from my house safely through my bedroom window.

I really wouldn't forgive myself if he was to be kidnapped thanks to me and my slow thinking.

#vance hopper x you #vance hopper x reader #tbp vance #vance hopper #vance #the black phone #tbp

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stoned-r0mantic · 10 months ago

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Istg shes gonna leave me. Im too much. Im not enough. Im too insecure. Im the worst bf. I get angry bc she'll never do things for me like i do for her. I'd do anything just to hang out with her. But she won't do that. But it's fine! I'll just sit in bed and cry while i wait for her to respond to my texts and want to call! Like always! I'll wait like a dog even though it feels like you dont even want me anymore! Doesn't matter how much i need to call bc ur not feeling it! /gen! but it's fine. No one will ever love me the way i love them. i don't want to live anymore. I just want to fucking kms so i dont have to live in this miserable world. I cant leave them but i physically cant stand being alive anymore i just cant. Its become too goddamn much. I cant wait two more years anymore i just cant i want to die i hate codependency. I hate my fake fucking friends. Whsts the point of living? Theres no fucking point to life. Why should i stay alive for others when they dont even seem to care enough to hang out with me once in a while. Im so pissed off at everyone. Im so close to just ghosting everyone and killing myself. I cant stand this constant heartsche anymore. I can't stand not calling every single day. Or not calling at all basically. Its selfish. But i can help it. If you cant handle how needy i am then dont fucking be with me. I want to leave her before she has the chance to leave me. Im splitting and i dont want to be mad at her. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to leave her. But this relationship makes me so much worse and i hate this version of myself. I hate being vunerable. Boys dont fucking cry. I shouldnt be fucking crying.

Just leave me already so i can kms and not have anyone upset about it. I can't stay clean. Hell, i can't even NOT lash out. You say i'm "a good person".. but *I* know I'm the worst fucking person. If only you knew what went on in my head. If only you knew how i feel 24 fucking 7. Pictures of brutally murdering people just because they pissed me off. Sadness turning into outright hatred for someone. Paranoia. All the fucking tme. Just needing destruction and chaos in my life. Not csring abiut anyone but myself. Thoughts of manipulating people js bc i can and its so easy to do. constant numbness. I dont wanna be toxic. I dont want to be. But these thoughts get so hard to ignore. I dont wsnt to hate her but if she doesnt change some things soon im gonna stsrt splitting. Devaluing. If you cant call me at least once or twice a week then we shouldn't even be tg. Ive told you. Time and fucking time again. I need calling. Yet you still STILL fucking dont call. I love you so much it hurts me. Ill wait for you forever. Just step all over me and tear my heart out, we both know I dont have the strength to leave you. I'll just self sabotage until you decide im too unstable to be with. Leave me. Abandon me.

#bpd vent #rant post #personal vent #fp bpd #you dont love me #im sorry #bpd splitting

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sirenner · 13 days ago

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Having feelings makes me physically sick, im genuinely going to throw up, I'm gonna throw up. I cant do this. I hate feelings. Why can't I be normal. Why can't I be enough for anyone. Nobody is ever gonna like me if I'm like this. I hate it here. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. Please kill me. Kill me. Let me die. Let me burn. Let me bleed out. Cut myself so deep I'll bleed out and die. I don't want to be here. I just want to love them. Why won't they let me love them. Am I not worth the trouble? Am I too much? Do I need to stop feeling? Should I just turn into an emotionless creature? Who does nothing all day and only speaks when spoken to? Should I just stop trying to be a person? I should stop being alive fully. Kill me. Let me die. I just want to die. Why can't I die. I'm not worth living. I shouldn't even be alive anymore. I have nothing to live for any more. He was everything. Now I have nothing. Why did I depend on him so much? I wish I never told him. I wish he never told me that he likes me too but can't be with me. I hate myself for not being able to show him that I love him no matter what. I should just be dead. Gods I hope he doesn't fkin see this. Maybe I'll be dead by the time he does. I hope so at least. I might have to break the promise I made him, but it hurts too much to have to keep it and still be here. Im too weak to stay. I'm too weak to leave too. I need help. I want help. But he is the only one that could help. Without him I'm helpless. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm so dependent on you, I hate myself for being like this. I'll always love you. Even once I'm dead. After I'm dead.

#vent #vent post #depressing shit #personal rant #end me pls #long rant #personal vent #im sorry #he doesn't deserve this #he doesn't want me #i need to be alone #i need to be de@d

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aerimind · 21 days ago

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2 months before my 28th

18-19 october 2024

wow i can’t remember the last time i wrote on this tumblr but i suddenly remember about this platform that i had & figured that i should use this to deplete my thoughts so that i can sleep. i have bad thoughts bc i’m naturally a negative.. however, just let me share/say this out without guilt. my english is prolly going to suck but i’m just typing with thinking much but that’s the whole point. let me be!!

essentially, it just hit me it’s 2 months away from my 28th. it’s almost 10-12 years ago since i tried to commit suicide or at least decided that if i turn 18th & i’m not even the slightest bit happy. i will kill myself & end my (& everyone around’s me) suffering. i’m thinking back now & im realising that my life really isn’t significantly that much better. maybe i should’ve done it, i kinda wish i had done it. i really mean it. i wish that night when i made that decision, i wish i had just slit my wrist so deeply & ruthlessly. it would have been over right there & then. i didn’t have to go through more things only to be let down again & again & feel like a failure & a problem for everyone that i meet. i wish i did it. that’s my dark thoughts. but on the other hand, i’m glad i’m still alive today. otherwise i wouldn’t have experience all the highs & lows of my twenties. i’m glad i met bryan. i’m glad bc of it, i have a closer relationship with mum. yknow last week, i actually told my mum another of my deepest darkest secret & while she acted in the way i expected, i'm glad that i told her “i wish you say more like acknowledge me”, she did. i felt so loved & that she has my back. yes, she was apprehensive at the first & said “did that really happened? what did you do?”; making me feel victim blamed. i didn’t take it to heart bc while it is so hard for me to talk about being sexualised molested by her family member, i understand that it was even harder to hear that her family member could ever do that. i love mummy have grown tremendously over the years & we’re at such a good point despite the constant fight. i’m glad to know that she really truly love me. “why is ________ so perverted it? (insert a more awful comment about it” that healed a little huge part of my soul. i wouldn't trade this feeling for happiness. the feeling of being sided & trusted by your mother. that heals me. i told her that i felt like this is a v real thing that happened & i wish i made this up but i feel like it actually happened. i’ve held it in for like the longest time & me saying it wouldn’t be any good since they’re not alive anymore but i just wanted to get it off my chest. if i kept this to my grave & lessen the bad impression, i would’ve done it but i felt like it was the right time & moment. i’m glad i told mum & she sided me. i won’t regret this. so circling back, im glad that i didn’t kill myself otherwise this would have not happened. & i’m glad i’m alive. i definitely feel mixed thoughts & emotions. which is why i’ve always felt like fuck it if i die tomo, i’ll be okay with it. but if i can help it, i will stay alive. but this is honestly bc my mother is alive. if anything were to happen to her, i would never be able to survive it especially if i didn’t have my brother’s support & the support of my partner. i would immediately go find her. i’ll always follow her the end of the world. i wish i didn’t yell at my mum. i wish im not harsh to her. i feel bad but it’s just the way it is. my tongue may be sharp but my action will always prove my true feelings. i love the woman my mother has became today. i want to be in her life in every lifetime. i wanna be her mother one day & give her all the love she deserves in the whole universe/lifestimes. currently it is 7:08 am and everyone is asleep but I am still like super in my thoughts and I feel like nobody understands me & that i would be the only one in the world who understands me. i’m afraid that I will not be loved the way I deserve. so I guess that’s why I started writing this in the first place because I feel like I wish I had made the move when I was 18 to kill myself and I’m not here about to turn 28 thinking all about i should’ve done it & regret not having done so. now i’ve cemented my fate in not dying through suicide. the only way to death now is if i got into an accident or get murdered brutally or mother nature or cancer.. these are my only options left since i missed the opportunity.

again, I reiterate I don’t wanna die, but I also don’t wanna feel this way. that’s actually my final thoughts. i just wish it didn’t get so bad & life isn’t this bad. that’s all. i just feel immense guilt all the time. even though i shouldn’t & i have nothing to be sorry for. i need to treat myself better & kinder. i’ll try. i wanna enjoy life more & not hate it. maybe my era is when i’m 30/40. there’s only one way to find out. 7:27am.

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hekkoto · 2 months ago

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Become my Patron before 20th of September if you want get this cool print [and September one too ;p I know its super late but my health was shit] ~ and many more amazing things which I offer to my Patrons ;> check it out, maybe something will interest you ^^ also right now Im in quite bad financial situation so every $ means a lot! Okay, I guess Im finally moving forward ;p Im catching up on stuff and cause I feel way better now I guess I can work on arts and actually be more regular with posting them ^^ making photo of this print took me 2 weeks ;p last 2 months were Hell but Im working hard to feel better, I already had another therapy appointment and I was told how to deal with super strong emotions so I hope I will be able to use it in my life. Hopefully my family wont decide to fuck up my mental health again, Im so pissed of that recovering to somewhat fine state took me over year... Sorry, I have a bit bad day today cause I was journaling after I got up and Im fed up with my life being ruined cause they never care how I feel and what are my needs, instead they prefer to push me harder and harder. I will make sure they will know its their fault if I will kill myself cause of them =,= I hope they will suffer so much they wont be able to live with themselves, only their suffering can pay off for my suffering.. eh, I want to stay alive but even tho I think they arent doing it on purpose I was on my last straw this time.... ye, I was told I suffer from CPTSD, perhaps thats why it haunts me so much lolz I would love to be able to sleep, later I sleep maybe 2-3 hours 2 or 3 times a day >XD Im so exhausted for most of a time but I just cant sleep aaaaaaaa I will be working hard on fixing my life now, I wanna eat healthier, have better sleep, not overuse alcohol or meds, workout, make my mental health better, work on arts and videos and post them ^^ ye, quite a lot but I feel like now Im actually able to try do this ;D So yeah, hopefully it will be greatest comeback of my life <3 wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate <3

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nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos · 3 months ago

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See, I love being friends with other followers because they warn me when they're going to make an anon request we're both interested about so I can make a similar one with a different vibe to it

You remember how you said Poly Cross Guild reader definitely is feared on her own? I just wanna see Reader with characters that are on the other side of things, like Hina, and Tashigi, and BelleMere (FOR FUCK'S SAKE PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU BROUGHT BACK CORA YOU CAN BRING BACK BELLEMERE I'LL GIVE YOU MY ENTIRE HEART), and other pirates like Alvida and Nami and so on and so forth and even if they don't always get along Reader gets one (1) notice of a village where little girls are being put down to stay simple housewives because Blues forbid they wanna be pirates or marines and take on a MAN'S job 🙄 AND READER WHO BY ALL MEANS SHOULD BE DETAINED BY LIKE TASHIGI, HINA, BELLEMERE OR NOT GET ALONG WITH LIKE NAMI OR SO, JUST DROPS BY, SAYS "Little girls are being told they can't be more than under a man's thumb. Move" AND THEY JUST FUCKING DO THEY ALL GO WITH HER. MY FRIEND ASKED FOR GIRL POWER I ASK FOR SISTERHOOD I BEG

(I, too, got brainrot from listening to music and picturing scenarios, in particular for this one? This: https://youtu.be/slfeaxYSf1c?si=Pr6s8doyJmjb9ct5 )

"Getting Surreal"

If you got to make it, baby, make it real

Get up off your knees and tell me how do you feel?

Also:

Meet me in the jungle where they never give a damn

If your clothes don't fit or if your marriage is a sham

They never weigh a woman by the kilo or the gram

Yet another Fratellis song with undertones of women empowerment against a society that labels them as the weaker sex and measures their worth by appearance. I'm not saying the entire song is applicable to the situation, buuuuut

Little pig, little pig, lock your door

Take the gun from the wall and even up the score

I don't even know who the sun shines for

And I don't believe what I believe anymore

There are some serious undertones that could reflect on the ladies encouraging these girls to fight back against their oppressors and challenge the way that they're being viewed.

Also the whole tone of the song screams Bellemere at me for some reason that I cannot explain. And I can't promise I can resurrect everyone that Oda killed for a need to fulfill a tragic backstory (I understand it because I've done it myself) buuuuut Bellemere reminds me way too much of the close female role-models in my family that I've lost, and I absolutely adore her, and I will happily pretend she's still alive whenever needed.)

#asks

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stardustinmyhands · 6 months ago

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•••Trigger warning •••

Suicide talk.

5/6/24

Today my stomach is hurting as usual. I just thought of how long I will be waiting to find out anything. It’s gonna be months.

I feel good otherwise, my soreness in my joints in tolerable. I’m taking tramadol and atarax today to stay on top of what I’m feeling.

I’ve already journaled 10 pages, while I watch Return Of The King.

I see my PCP on Wednesday. I need a lot of prescriptions. And I also have a feeling she’s gonna put me on metformin for my A1C. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, but I eat carbs daily. More than I should. Saltines and bread are one of the foods that don’t make me throw up. My favorite used book store is across the street so I wanna go and spend some time there. Trade in some books. Just kill time.

I have my IVIG infusion Thursday . I’m still waiting for my new infusion lab to get the correct order. I got a call from my insurance company that my prescription was approved for my infusions. They just need the right kind of order cause they are an outpatient clinic, even though they are inside the hospital.

I’m peeing a lot today cause of the lasix. And I’m managing to drink water even though it hurts. So yeah I’m peeing a lot.

Every day I try and think of something I’m grateful for. This popped up on my fb memories. I write in journal what I’m thankful for. My insurance, my life saving infusions. I’m 43 and still have both my loving parents alive and they are in good health for their age. My wonderful girlfriend. My wonderful boyfriend. The services I get thru my insurance, like going to the art studio.

I’m thankful that I’m on behavioral meds that work beautifully on me. I take a seizure meds and an antipsychotic med. The seizure meds regulates my mood swings. The abilify keeps me from getting depressed.

Ironically the mood stabilizer causes me to have very low sodium. So I have to take sodium pills 3 times a day. My psychiatrist was willing to lower my mood stabilizer, but was weary to do so cause of my family history of suicide.

My brothers suicide “anniversary” is on the 29th of this month. I’m not upset over it. He was one of my abusers as a child. I think he is free from the troubles that haunted. I have had SMI for several years now. My brother finally got SMI the year he died. He also was put on a new medicine before he died. I think it was an antidepressant. They turn me suicidal, and my brother was my full blood brother. He also never got help for his issues till just before he died. I think that’s what happened to him. Cause he did it in a way he always told my mom he was afraid to. He also left no note. Antidepressants turned me suicidal within a week. I got help. Now I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but my brother was not a good person. He was lying manipulative person. Who used people, hurt them in various ways. And would do it over and over again. I don’t know what he had, there is nothing to find out now. I think he’s free from whatever haunted him. He was drug addict, drank heavily, was in and out of jail the last two years of his life.

My mom is still heartbroken. He was her son, her first born. My mom loves her kids unconditionally. She also doesn’t know a lot of stuff my brother did. My sister in law told me stuff after he died too. I will never get an I’m sorry from him. I’m at work peace with that. I know the suffering is with my mom. I don’t like that. I heard a mourning mother’s cry. It was fucking terrible. I love my momma, I’m gonna say it. I didn’t love my brother. Before I he died I hadn’t seen in 13 yrs. I’ve been with my gf for 13 yrs this summer. She’s never met him. I distanced myself for my well being. I’m upset cause my mom is, not because my brother died and the way he left earth. I went to his funeral cause I wanted to be there for my sister law, not my brother. I don’t like funerals or services. We all knew why we were there. I’m preparing myself for how my mom is gonna feel on the anniversary. She kinda trauma dumps on me. But I allow it cause she was there for me for so many times. Even to this day.

All I know is my brother free and there is nothing else to think about it.

#chronic illness #autoimmine disease #chronic life #chronic pain #borderline personality disorder #autoimmunedisease #ivig infusion #lady gaga #spoonie #thankful #personal talk

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6lost6but6trying · 7 months ago

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April 7 1:53am

Im here sitting in front of my tv after a gaming session with my best friend…

Wishing u were playing with us

I miss ur voice

I miss u giving us heads up and knowing where they are

I don’t know how you know but you do in detail which amazes me

If sitting here in front of my tv about to cry myself to sleep

Because I feel like I got nothing figured out

My relationship I have is feeling like it’s turning bad

But besides that I just feel useless

Like I’m not anywhere I wanna be yet

No goal

Nothing

Just here

Alive

When I don’t wanna be

I wanna cry myself to sleep

But I don’t wanna cry myself to sleep…

I don’t know

Im just really tired

Im overthinking so many stuff and as I hear my thought telling me I’m useless and i will never reach whatever goal I may have or a better future

I found myself just remembering the time I laid with u with my head on ur shoulder so close to your chest telling u that I’m nowhere financially stable and feel useless and I shut me up as u play with my hand that I had up and gently point to the middle of my palm tapping it gently telling me “ you will catch up to her financially, u will have money, you’re not useless, you’re somebody, you will make it, I believe in you”

Your words still run through my dull brain and it’s making me miss u more

I know if this ends,

You May or may not take me back in as a friend and I’ll respect either choice…

I just know I probably won’t be over you even tho I haven’t seen u in a while…

Haven’t heard that voice in a while…

I found myself the other day hearing ur voice saying “ look you little shit” and I smiled…

I was at work and he asked me why I was smiling and I just told him I remembered something funny that’s all

It’s not something funny

It’s something I like u calling me

I find it cute I don’t know why…

Im still so sorry all this happened this way

I just feel like I’m now being pushed against a corner of a wall and I want to be killed….

Don’t get mad at me

I thought about it again but then remembered that I promised you I wouldn’t do it…

I didn’t

But I did hurt my leg physically

It may be bruised in the morning, I have no idea but I got some sort of high which made me take deep breath and wanted to keep doing it til my thigh purple…

I stopped…

But please don’t get mad…

I turned to alcohol

I drank a little bottle I had then I created a ice tea drink and put the last bit of alcohol mix into my drink

I was feeling a buzz as I played my game

I told him I didn’t wanna video and just play

I didn’t want my best friend knowing I wasn’t ok

I did squats and spins in my room to feel a buzz and it somehow worked…

Im not ok.

Just glad there wasn’t anymore alcohol

All I want rn if to have things calm…

I just still catch myself missing you when I shouldn’t be

Im with her, I do love her but what does it say when I do love her and don’t wanna lose her but the more we fight the more im craving YOU …. You’re so close to me that I can walk to you…. C

I can drive 3 min just to see you…

With her it’s 10 mins by car…

That’s more than a 40 min walk….

I asked god so Many years ago when I came out to give me a gf so close to me….

He gave me you two…

At the same time…

I met you both in July 2022

Im so mad at god for doing this…

Im not even religious anymore but a part of me is still kinda religious….

I begged him for a person close to me and gave me you both…

Obviously you’ve always been the first choice….

I just choose her

And you already know why…

But then I question if I made the right choice or if I should’ve stayed friends with u and see where that could’ve gone before I did anything with her and kept her as a friend…

It’s all stupid and I wish I had a manual but that’s impossible….

When I find myself depressed I still think of me laying with u and I feel safe…

I know if I got to know u way more…

I could’ve loved you

Yes I was “ in love” but like as in “crushing hard on you” where my tummy gave me butterflies everything im around u….

I just wanna be in your arms again….

I even miss your natural scent I don’t know what it is but it’s YOU

You see right through me when I’m hugging you and I miss you not letting go til I do…

This sucks… I’m sorry

I hope I do see you again…. And everything isn’t so hectic …

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sorikkung · 1 year ago

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IM BACK ON MY BULLSHIT AFTER REREADING ACT 1 NEW AND IMPROVED W MORE BRAINROT LESGO!!!

ive literally just been sending myself discord messages to a private channel while i read SKFDJGKSJF so here is. the compilation i guess

ok so rereading the first few chapters and. i completely forgot san smiled at mc straight away what was that. was it just bc he thought she was hot or did they already know shed be on that ship i needa know how early the plan was set in action... was this entire stowaway thing staged or was it only when san found her in the cargo bay that they were like yup shes a siren (maybe via seonghwa's siren powers sensing her, or when they took her jacket off to treat her arm maybe they saw the tattoo or sumn) like... i get the feeling they knew long before she first revealed it to anyone, based on how san and seonghwas entire relationships w her were done deliberately to gain her trust, it rly just changes the entire way i view these first few chapters its INSANE. i knew things would be drastically different upon a reread but like THIS different... these first chapters seem so light hearted and almost like, typical scifi story beginnings, like typical not as in bad but just standard for the genre yk, like oooh she impresses the captain and earns her place on the ship and they all have tragic backstories... but now knowing there is So Much More going on underneath makes this so much more sinister its Haunting. i fucking love it

also her saying wooyo looks vaguely familiar got me bc it could so easily be read as her seeing his glimpse of tan skin n dark hair before passing out, but no, that vague familiarity was from her past wasnt it... that first meeting w them hits so different knowing wooyo knows who she is the entire time. my god.

i also wanna note how drastically different the writing feels going back - it was good from the start, but only now that im rereading do i realise how much you've improved over the course of writing?? which is to be expected, writing something for this long, but wow, its cool to see the progression of such improvement yk. you went from good writing to Great writing to Every Fucking Line Is Rewiring My Brain Stem. goals

yeah see seonghwa saying joong doesnt make decisions on a whim and obviously decided she could stay long before he told her... he had to have known she was a siren already, right? like, why else would he decide to let her stay... unless it was just bc shes the ghost of eros and he doesnt know the details of that but like, idk, im not buying it

OH and this is reminding me of another thing i cant tell if this is just a progression of writing thing or if its part of the act they put on but like. san and seonghwa seemed like they felt pretty bad about killing up until this point. like seonghwa on the ship saying they dont have to kill everyone vs san wanting so badly to keep mc alive. this is part of why i think they mustve known she was a siren on that ship somehow bc yeah san did the same thing to jongho but we also know that hongjoong knew abt jongho right away. the san we know now doesnt seem like he holds much remorse for what he does bc hes just the captains loyal black dog… tho i do remember him feeling pretty bad abt it in the earlier chapters, i cant tell if thats just something he worked thru w mc or if it was just part of the act to gain her trust. man. i be doubting EVERYTHING now 😭 😭 😭

god i MISSEDDD the feisty sassy interactions w hwa and the mc omg things have gotten so grim now i literally forgot this was their original dynamic… “You’re so feisty, princess. If I didn’t know how dangerous you truly are, I might ask you to spar with me one day.” “You’re so romantic, pretty boy. I’m sure all the ladies love when you say that.” “All the ladies and men, in fact." i still fucking love that entire exchange its so good i love them

"and yet again you find yourself shocked by the boldness of this crew." i am once again wondering how much of this is just them being flirty bastards and how much of it was a LIE… or at least orchestrated SDKFJHKSDFHKSKFD also “Aren’t you a bit too cheeky for a criminal?” “Is there a special guide I should be following? ‘Proper ways to be a criminal’? Rule number one: don’t be cheeky with princess, it gets on her nerves.” is another really good exchange GOD I RLY FORGOT ABT ALL THIS I MISSED IT SO BAD i do love me some good banter. now when hwa uses the nickname princess it just feels so sad 😭 😭 😭

"It’s the little shit who plugged an anesthesia shot into your neck." i love it when fics refer to wooyo as some little shit or anything along the sorts its like. sooo true bestie i see we are thinking abt the same man <3 i love him sm

damn i forgot wooyoung was this Nervous at first, what was up w that… is it bc mc was there?? cause he seems mighty comfortable w the rest of em now SJKFDGKJSFD but then again that could just be after everything that happened afterwards. now i wonder if the real reason he went into the medbay was bc he missed her or sumn.

NOW I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR WOOYO, SEEING HIS LONG LOST CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND THE FIRST THING THEY WANNA DO IS SOCK HIM IN THE NOSE 😭 😭 😭

“Because you’re only good at causing problems, not fucking solving them." DAMN WTF DID WOOYO DO THAT MADE SAN SO MEAN TO HIM 😭 I DONT REMEEMBER THIS…

“In all the time you have worked together, you should know by now how San behaves and that he says things he doesn’t mean.” this hits a lil different now too, is he actually mad at wooyo or just tryna defend mc…. yeah im rly just here doubting every single interaction they have now SJDFKKJSFDHKSDF

"his amount of respect for his captain seemed lackluster at best." LMFAO IF ONLY SHE KNEW. ok so this fr has to be an act bc san would do anything hongjoong asked of him, so this is obviously him tryna appeal to mc as someone who also doesnt always agree w authority so she can confide in him, right?

"Yeosang won the mental battle. He wormed his way into San’s mind and won that way." at… telling him to shut the fuck up?? 😭 😭 howd That worm into his mind 😭

"you seem a bit more like the type who needs to be put in place rather than the other way around.” i rmb first reading this and thinking DAMN that is so ballsy for a man like yeosang to say, but is he just comfortable around her real quickly bc he knew her already. or, well, not comfortable, but comfortable enough to tease her like that hskdfgkjskdjfgsdf

“Oh? I didn’t know that you were an Elitist." yeosang you little shit SDFKJGKSDFKHSFJKDH

this whole interaction with yeosang is sending me now that i know he knows… my god hes such a little SHIT JDKFGKSDFKH

"For someone who is supposed to be a traitor, he sure seems to have a lot of pride in his home and military…" and now im wondering if yeosang really is still prideful which is. entirely possible and i could be reading too far into it or. is he tryna jog a memory….

“You seem to be the type to balance him out with calmness and humility. At least that’s the aura I get from you. Yeosang always feels so angry but you exude the opposite of that.” this bitch? mc? ghost of eros? CALM? SFDKJHSKDFHKSFDK girlies been tryna question n fight every bitch since being put on the ship but like, sure, i guess… lmfaoooo

"You can only hope that he somehow missed the marking on your back." suppose theres a chance he saw it here, but… i doubt it my bets are still on he knew the whole time shkdjfgksdf but i will see if he pays more/different attention to her after this 👁️

“Good girl. See, we can make you obedient yet.” yeah even with the context of all the future chapters what the everloving FUCK was THAT. are he and wooyoung not together already yet no they were together since long before the horizon right. i still dont know what hes playing at here flirting w her so much 😭

“Before it’s all over? How do you think this is going to end, Y/n?” how does HE think its gonna end? do he and wooyo and the others know what the big 3 were plotting to get to our ghost? i was under the impression only they knew about the whole deception to earn her trust thing, esp given how hongjoong treats yunho and manipulates him i figured the others would be the same but like… what answer is yeosang expecting to hear, here?

"And Hongjoong certainly isn’t the type to keep slaves, despite how he might come across sometimes. There’s a difference between being harsh and inhumane.” me when i manipulate peoples feelings, insecurities, trauma and relationships but i draw the line at keeping slaves… SDFKJGJKSDFKJHSDKJF i think hes still harsh and inhumane babes but ok!

“I know one thing for certain. You are not an Elitist.” yeah so he TOTALLY knew she was a siren i forgot abt this SJKDFKJHSKJDFH but hes waiting for her to say it herself, isnt he?

“I have studied Elitists in the past, and I am one myself." no the fuck you aint. SDFKJHKSJFHKJSFDKJHSKFD i used to think joong might be a siren as well himself but seonghwa would know if he was after sleeping w him so long and he still said without mc they only have One siren so… either hes a spectre, which, has no reason to hide from everyone i dont imagine, or hes a normie… my bets are on normie. so used to not being taken seriously for his class that he keeps it a secret and has a need to prove himself. honestly with the new interim id almost believe hongjoong was an elitist More if it werent for yeosang saying theres only one real elitist on the ship and its him SDFKJHSKFHKSDF

reading the first interims now and… man its crazy to think how Soft hongjoong was at the start. he was still cutthroat and ruthless, but he seems so much smaller here. like between this interim and the latest hongjoong interim, you can really tell just how far down he's spiralled. its fascinating. i love character development for the worse <3

goddamn all his worry about his crew members and being scared of breaking their trust… wheres this energy w ghosty SDKFJGKSJFGKSFDKG how far he's fallen fr…

"I don’t know how to fix him. I need to fix him. I need to help him. I just have to do something.” and he calls out mc for having a saviour complex… 🤭

anyway that was my rereading experience but heres some anecdotes from my two friends i dragged into it who Also happened to just finish act 1 and its interims around the same time

>friend 1 messages me randomly "this fic is getting me emotional wtf" and changes the topic when i ask them to elaborate KSJDFGKJ

they then (the next day) send me this screenshot followed by "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

and this one followed by "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK"

then i asked what they think of it overall so far and they said is very good, theyre excited for the pace to pick up!

meanwhile friend number 2 was going thru it so i am suppling screenshots (mind the lack of cohesion theres conversations in between some of these but im tryna cap just whats strictly relevant LMFAO)

(this was the screenshot they attached w the withered wojack)

anyway if these friends r seeing this sorry for exposing u lol but i am at least preserving ur anonymity to a number <3 actually wait you shouldnt be reading this bc mad spoilers. well ANYWAY. i imagine the only one reading this far is the author so caly i hope this brings u some modicum of joy <3 KSJFDJGKSDFKJ onto the next act!! 🤩🤩🤩

tbh it was rly good timing that we all finished the act around the same time i have no idea what im gonna do when the reading inevitably gets disjointed (haha unless...?) i guess id chuck those into your ask box??? or would dming you be ok. man either way i am flooding the fuck outta ur notifs lately and i apologise do lmk if you want me to slow down SKDJFGJKSFKDJGSKJFD hope ur having a good day regardless :>

mists of celeste ➻ one

➻ pairing: ??? x fem reader ➻ genre: space au, pirate au, space pirate!ateez, angst, eventual smut ➻ Word Count: 4.5k ➻ Rating: M ➻ Warnings: language, violence, guns and weaponry, blood, future warnings tba ➻ summary: Sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you

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mists of celeste act one ➻ part one

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“You said that you’re with the military? I don’t recall the military having ships as small as yours.” If possible, your eyes would roll all the way back in your head at the man’s comment. Instead, you plaster a smile on your lips, gaze flitting around the bridge as you do.

“Yes, Ambassador Salvadore. They sent me on a transport ship, as I am here to relieve the captain of his duties—”

“That is not necessary, Miss.”

“—on military orders, Ambassador.” Your grin continues to stretch as you gauge the state of the bridge. It is severely lacking in terms of soldiers, which is good for you on multiple fronts, but the ambassador before you is proving to be more difficult than you first anticipated.

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#being insane about mists of celeste is a full time job and i am willfully employed <3 #mischiefing time

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illbesafesomeday · 1 year ago

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I hurt myself today while I was walking the dogs. I feel like nobody would care anyway, and it’s always because ‘someone’s having it worse’. It’s ok. It’s just a couple bloody gash and bruise. Unfortunately, nothing lethal.

Today, I moved one of the sofa into my office room so my dogs could still have a sofa to stay - and for me to sleep on. Since last night’s false sour apologies led to another one of those sessions that just when I thought I am doing something good to someone by being extra caring, despite me wanting to be cared for to, I only end up either being blamed or told to shut the fuck up as the supposed topic of the conversation has got nothing to do with me or what I feel. That after I tried gifting some yummy sweets and food when I got home. They just got shrugged off like all my previous efforts to bring even just a spark of joy. It sparked nothing but blaming and being put down… and when he told me that he is no longer gonna be the same person, with nothing in his tone wanting to try, or even try to reciprocate the small things that I do, despite me being in a struggle too, I feel like my soul has left my body… the love of my life no longer want to be with me, and just doesn’t have th guts to tell me because probably he feel responsible of whatever my decisions might be once he say it to me… those should no longer be any of his concerns… he is a free man… I don’t own him… I thought we got each other’s backs, but after being completely let up last summer, and seeing no sincere or heartfelt empathy in sight, my hopelessness just grew exponentially…

It’s getting really colder these days… the colder it gets, the more choices I have… the easier it’s gonna be…

I am sorry to my husband who I made miserable because of my condition… you deserve a perfect girl, not me… and I know, and I am sure, upon my death, you’ll just be okay because lately, all I hear is as if I brought nothing to your life but my condition, painc expenses, and a lot of other things that make you sad… I love you… I don’t wanna make you sad… 😢

I guess in death, everything would finally be even and fair… I hope instead of bruises and wounds, I get something fatal instead that would kill me… I have been riding my scooter recklessly in longer distances now, because I do have a fucking death wish… why won’y death come to me, but rather come to those who still wish to live..? Why am I still alive..? Why did his ex who I feel he is so fond of have to die..? I wish it’s just me in her place so the two of them would be together and they’ll make a happier couple… with how she speaks of her, I feel like she would have made him a happier man… 😢 maybe I should have never entered the scene… I fucked things up… Now, I am not only a liability to him, but also is the cause of everything and all of the bad things happening to him for the past how many months or years… I should no longer exist… I should die soon…

#mental health #depression #sadness #loneliness #brokenhearted #suicide #hopelessness

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soir-rouges-esprit · 1 year ago

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xx11.a: The River, As I awoke from the campsite … I immediately noticed as The Jester had disappeared. No sign of The Street Rat, but as I went to get up and unclasp my hands from beneath my head … I feel paper … a note … from said drifter that read. “We’ve been through a lot of shit you and I. and to tell you the truth, I’d be dead ten times over without you always being there to save my ass or support me when I was down dude. in all honesty, I was ready to end it a couple of times. I’ve never said this before but… one night the smiles faded and I was ready to paint the wall with my little snub 357, It was a few months back when you went awol. I blamed you for a while… thought all the worst shit and painted you in a light that you would never be seen in and made myself believe in my own fucked up delusions that you were a person you most certainly weren’t… I know it’s fucked but I’d honestly never wanna tell you the things I thought and wished on you, because they were just fucking wrong and I’m embarrassed to have even been me in that moment… But I held that against you for a while you going dark, because in truth I’m just a little fucked up mentally as you know. But I’m sorry. I should have never ever said the things I did or done the things I did. I wanted to kill you off and just erase you from existence. But even through all your shit and downright wrong scenarios, you were going through… you were fucking there. And tbh… sometimes that makes it all the harder to know you which I know sounds weird dude. But it is just that I can’t ever see you not being there and I don’t know what the fuck I’d be doing without you. You really are my best fucking friend ever and I will fucking die on any hill or any battlefield you want me to. I don’t care what old mental residue is left over in that damn brain of yours that’s trying to choke you out, that haunts your damn dream and waking life or the hard pills you were forced to swallow that made you delta on us for a bit… I will stand just as strong as you have for me… if not harder because I will always owe you more than anyone ever. That night you yelled in my face and told me I was the problem and said you thought I was the reason everyone ODed back in the day… hurt like hot fire replaced my everything, and boy did I hate you in that moment as we’ve discussed, but that day when you came to me again… in all your suffering and heartache to come and ease my mind and tell me… You didn’t hate me, and you didn’t think I was a bad person, and you were just being immature and holding grudges and placing wild blame on someone that didn’t deserve it. I still to this day… have no idea how the fuck you had the courage to say that about yourself. I envy you so much dude… like I wish I had that ability and I’m going to actually try every fucking day to be more like you. Fucking everyone if they could see you now… would be in awe… because you are the goddamn goat when it comes down to people in general homie… I want you to know the only reason that there are two Vince brothers alive today to ruin the world a little longer… Is all you dude… no joke this time playa. I’m going off as you suggested… to live with The Knight. And help him recover from his shit and help out. I’m gonna fucking recover and be so much better dude… ALL FOR YOU!!!! Because you disserve to reach your Cloud of Dreams dude… I wanna be somehow as strong as you are mentally and emotionally even in your now broken state… I’ll be there whenever you need me… even if I’m not ready and in pain… from now on… I’m gonna support you as you do me and others homie… through shit thick and sludge like Salem, I won’t ever forget the promise we made when we were kids dude. We’re getting out of The City TOGETHER!… I fucking love you!. And I will be here for you whenever you goddamn need homie. And you bet your ass I’ll See you when I see you. Stay honest Teufel and I’ll see you where the sun don’t shine!” I was speechless … [To Be Continued]

#creative writing #writing #original story

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