#being perceived is the worst sometimes

[cynicalmedusa]

Sometimes I think about the grief inherent in the experience for some of us who are genderqueer and/or non-binary and trans. Not just the vague, unexplored grief, but the aware, understood grief and longing as it relates to being embodied. There is pain just in feeling, but there is a deeper pain in knowing.

I think many trans people understand and grapple with the sense of an embodiment that fails to accomplish what the person wants at all times. Whether this is the embodiment that fails through not being right in some way, the embodiment that is never legible, embodiment that is right inconsistently and may only work when recognized by others correctly, the embodiment that is right sometimes and wrong at others, the embodiment that is too much or too little. The people fighting with, altering, and developing their embodiment and the liminal spaces that exist in that journey. The trans individuals whose embodiment needs to change but lack access. Those whose access is tentative and conditional. Those whose bodies do not respond conventionally to intervention, or whose personal response to conventional changes is unexpected. Those for whom the changes are not the purest embodiment that they want, but are better than the unaltered alternative. The list could go on and on. Which is not to say that trans people are necessarily at odds with their embodiment at all or have to be that way in order to be trans; I think the only consistency within identity categories is inconsistency. We are just a coalition of people reaching out for connection and solidarity.

But some of us, regardless of accessibility, cannot make use of anything that is available to us now. Some of us have needs (embodiment-specific, other factors for our minds and bodies) that are fundamentally at odds with the reality of medicine or assistive technologies, and it is unlikely to change enough within our lifetimes. For some of us, it is not the scaremongering about HRT or affirmative surgeries, normative beauty and body standards, the emotional, physical, financial cost. We've maybe experimented with hormones, researched the surgeries, tried out some of the available technologies, considered the options, processed and agonized and wondered and dreamed, and found them all fundamentally at odds with the ways we can best tolerate any embodiment. We may feel failed by all of this, and failed even by communities like trans and queer communities, which quite rightly want to give space to the successes and the ways in which change has helped them be happier, be more themselves. People should be able to be happy in claiming and rewriting their bodies in ways that make them happy; making space for other responses is not betrayal.

It's alright to mourn what cannot be, to recognize the ways in which your society, your communities, available technology, the understanding of your loved ones, the experiences you have had and those available to you, access to funding, the limitations of body and mind, and the ways in which you must approach your life for any reason are unable to meet all your needs for embodiment. It's okay to recognize the impossible and allow yourself to experience the grief rather than sublimate it into some other emotion, to shove it down because it will not do you any good to only live your grief, to be happy for others who are able to carve out an embodiment that works and not sully their happiness or ease with their bodies.

Maybe it is a grief unacknowledged, or unanswered, or impossible to let completely go. Maybe it is hard to accept, when many of us may be better off or worse off than others we are in community with. Maybe even body neutrality cannot help us. Maybe it is negotiated through other identities that add complexity, rage, beauty, joy to our embodiment in some way. Maybe it is all we can do to work towards some form of acceptance and life as we can make it, and not uncontested, uncomplicated joy in our embodiment.

We can struggle with that embodiment, that tension, that wrongness unnamed and it doesn't make us wrong. We are not wrong. You are not wrong, and if you ever felt unrecognized and unseen, I see you.

[lesbiangiratina]

You there early 2000s gg manga artist write a joke involving testament that does not make me want to attack you like an animal

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

A couple of the nurses on my unit are doing a study on moral distress, so at least one shift a week they’ll pass out surveys to rank how morally distressed you’re feeling and why. Monday night was one such night (when I was caring for the very sick baby in my last post). I was very busy and barely had time to sit and chart for longer than 20mins at a stretch. The nurse came up to me at the end of the shift, “George, did you get a chance to fill out your survey?” She knew full well that I hadn’t.

Me, “Sure fucking didn’t.” and I handed back the blank survey to her. She just laughed and walked away with it. 

[venus111]

Astrology observations

🪿 Aquarius risings love wearing black clothes

🪿 Am a Pisces sun, I’ve noticed the sign that motivates me or I make long-term financial plans with are cancer sun, the one sign that likes to order me around are Scorpios ,the sign that I share similarities with is Aries, and the one sign that I befriend is Taurus

🪿 Lilith in the 7th house get cheated on/abused by their partners

🪿 Mars/Aries in the 3rd house will insult you whenever they feel like it even if you guys are on good terms, they also have rough hands

🪿 Being a Pluto dominant doesn’t always guarantee that you’ll instantly read people

🪿 many celebrities that have Aquarius Venus are claimed to be bisexual/gay, But I believe that Aquarius as a sign has a lot to do with the homosexuality

🪿 many Scorpio placements people that I know have long downturned nose

🪿 Gemini placements often resemble their siblings

🪿 mercury/neptune in 2H can create some confusion around personal values and material possessions, including clothing. This placement often influences how you perceive beauty, style, and worth. You might find yourself drawn to eclectic or unique styles that may not always conform to mainstream fashion

🪿 Sagittarius placements can get very moody when in love

🪿 Virgos are known for their honesty, but they can sometimes be dishonest to protect their image. They may not be habitual liars, but they may hide their mistakes or shortcomings to avoid being seen as imperfect

🪿 Aquarius placements hates small talk. They are totally disinterested in petty gossip and frankly could care less about people-please niceties

🪿 Aries is likely to be the first sign to say "I love you" because they are driven by their emotions and are quick to act on them

🪿 Taureans have a strong inner self-belief, which doesn't need shouting about, and this draws people to them because they can be trusted

🪿 Leo placement fear not being appreciated. They enjoy being praised and admired, so feeling unimportant is their worst nightmare

🪿 Capricorns are the masters of quiet beauty, elegance, and confidence

🪿 if you don’t know your birth time you can search your ephemeris birth year and look at the sidereal time convert it to the time zone of your birth location, it’s a really accurate and easy way to figure it out on your own if you don’t want to pay astrologers for birth rectifications.

[robo-writing]

Someone asked me to elaborate on this post, so I will :3 (18+)

Logan is a man who has always been a pack animal—a sheep in need of a flock, if you will. As much as he can deny it, he thrives off of a need to belong, a need to be needed. He’ll never admit it, but the signs are there.

Being fiercely loyal, his devotion, violent towards anyone or anything that threatens his peace. With the X-Men he’s protective, but with you? It’s something else entirely.

When Logan finds a partner actually willing to stay with him—broken, animalistic thing that he believes himself to be—he holds on tight to them and refuses to let go. It’s an odd mix between a child holding onto its favorite doll and a dog sinking its teeth into its favorite chew toy—but the intent is the same regardless.

You’re his, and he’s never gonna let you go.

To say he would kill for you is truly an understatement—he would wage war for you, would watch the viscera river down his arms in streams—a privilege he offers to you and you alone, the only woman in the world he’d ever trust with his leash. It scares him, how much control you have over him, but it excites him all the same.

The best part? You truly have no idea how much power over him you have.

Even the simplest things have him bending over backwards for you, calling for him from across the house in that melodic voice he loves so much just to ask him for help.

“Could you help me with dinner?”

“Mind grabbing this for me?”

“I’m too lazy, sorry to be a bother—“

And the answer is the same each time—“You’re no bother princess, just say the word.”

He wants to scold you sometimes at the mere suggestion that his answer would ever be no. When it comes to you, he doesn’t think the word is in his dictionary. You have him deeply, truly, well trained, so much so that he’d gladly kneel at your feet if it meant you’d look down at him, because at the end of the day you’d still be looking at him.

Embarrassing really, that the big bad wolverine is secretly a lovedrunk puppy, one that’d dig his thumbs into the arches of your feet, smiling to himself when you let out that deliciously drawn out moan when he hits the right spot, right there, thank you.

However, that same puppy turns into a feral hound whenever he perceives a threat. Whether it be friend or foe, he’s one step behind you the moment you show any kind of discomfort. Even the slightest hint of hostility and Logan’s right there, chest puffed and glaring daggers at whoever was stupid enough to try, and that’s on the best of days.

On the worst of days…it’s a different story entirely. You’ve become far too familiar with the dulled sound of skin meeting metal, that familiar snikt before you’re forced to stand between Logan and his next victim. The two of you have gotten kicked out of your fair share of establishments, but Logan apologizes in a way only he can—with his mouth against your cunt.

Every lick, every suck, every touch, an apology. Muttering into your pussy, worshipping it, his tongue against your clit his own personal prayer, the sound of your moans his reward for being so devout.

“Sorry for getting us in trouble doll—“

His palms smooth over your trembling flesh, rough and calloused, just the right amount of pressure to keep you grounded.

“Sorry for getting you banned from your favorite shop—“

His fingers leave divots in your thighs, pulling himself further against your mound. His nose bumps against your clit with each pass, and the feeling leaves you gasping for air.

“Sorry for being so protective—“

Again and again, his mouth brings you to heights you never thought possible.

“Sorry for being so rough, just can’t help myself.”

In more ways than one, he really can’t, can’t take the man out of the beast if he’s more beast than man. Can’t teach a feral dog to socialize, but you can teach it who his master is.

And boy, do you fucking teach him.

You give him the best lesson of your life whenever you praise him, spread your legs and pull his head deeper into your needy cunt, dig your nails into his scalp just the way he likes it and moan for him while your thighs shake and your pussy squirts against his taste buds.

“Good boy, Lo’—good fucking boy—“

If he had a tail, it’d be fucking wagging.

[neptxn3]

Astrology Observations II

｡:��૮ ˶ˆ ﻌ ˆ˶ ა ﾟ:｡

Disclaimer, these are observations I have made through personal experience and thorough research, observations also vary depending on other natal placements involved

doesn’t resonate ≠ untrue 

♅ Virgos tend to represent the trad wife far more than people assume taurus does, and that’s because Virgos ability to uphold their life (at least on the outside) tend to attract men who want a wife that can keep them on track

Some Virgo women tend to also attract gay men unfortunately 😭, again I think Virgos just seem like the perfect trad Wife and it will attract closeted men like flies. This isn’t to say all your partners will be closeted but the ones who are overly aggressive on your role in the relationship might be.

♅ Gemini moon children develop QUICKLY. These are usually the kids who weird you out with their extensive knowledge and self awareness that seemingly comes out of nowhere. The mercury influence allows them to digest many topics which in turn has Gemini moon children mentally developing at a faster pace than their peers

I’ve also observed Gemini moons are those annoying kids in your class that are a lot smarter and a bit condescending to others intelligence, not because that’s just the way they are, but their mercurial moon needs constant stimulation, and with a combination of their rapid growth you’ll see them climbing academic ranks which in turn can make them dislike school if they are not progressing at a speed they like. 

♅ Scorpio moons have a tendency to see the worst in every situation/person which can be a nasty habit, but this isn’t out of judgment, rather they don’t like to give people the benefit of the doubt. They don’t like to be screwed over and their best bet is to think of the worst scenario possible. 

♅ Aquarius Venus who are flaky in relationships and constantly cheat will eventually have karma handed back to them, usually in the form of being in their mid 40’s still single.

Aquarius Venus flaky reputation does stem from the fact that it is a Saturn influenced placement, as well as being fixed. It’s not that they hate any type of restriction to their freedom but rather to what extent you restrict them to. They can and will jump quickly into relationships but if they see any glimpse of possessive or controlling attributes they will leave. Again because it’s fixed and Saturn influenced Aquarius Venus knows once it settles down that’s it, they’re not going anywhere, that’s why they’re so scattered to find the right person who fits their criteria. 

♅ Moon/Sun harshly aspecting Neptune is the embodiment of “I hate my Mom/Dad, but I love her/him too”. Neptune harshly aspecting these planets can cause a huge wall of misunderstanding between parent and child, but Neptune blurs the lines so deep that the individual sees them “through rose colored glasses” and if incapable of harboring hate. I would even say there could be nights where these people will look back and remember their past relationships (Neptune = Dreams)

♅ 10h placements can sometimes struggle maintaining relationships due to the very contradicting nature of the Midheaven and ascendant. Usually people will perceive them to be very different from who they actually are.

This is also why they struggle with their self esteem (the natural square to the ascendant). Sometimes they feel like they need to keep up an image to satisfy others and that isn’t someone who they truly are 🥲

In synastry this also points to partners trying to change who they are/make choices for them because they think it’s “for the best” or “what’s good for them”. 

♅ Every Virgo rising I’ve met always gives me a small lesson on why astrology isn’t real but follow up with a “but can you read my chart I want to see if it’s true 👀”. I truly believe it’s the 12h Leo which makes them secretly a little self centered (hence the interest for things like astrology to attempt and figure themselves out) but the mercurial ascendant will always make them skeptical 😭

♅ Saturn conjunct Jupiter natives is a dangerous fire sometimes. I’ve noticed if they haven’t learned to balance this aspect in their chart, the people around them can suffer their warm and cold attitude. It’s almost as if one second you could be hysterically laughing in class together, and the next second they immediately stop and ask you to be serious and finish your work. WHERE DID THE VIBE GOOO?? The key here is moderation in whichever sign/house this is in

♅ Whoever said Neptune in hard aspect to Venus needs to practice saying positive affirmations (especially to Venus related topics) to themselves in the mirror was SO correct. Neptune indeed does reflect lies to you and reaffirming yourself in the mirror breaks that spell. I don’t think I’ve felt so beautiful since I started doing this. 

[bamsara]

I'm new to this blog, what's dream lamb and dream narinder?? They're cool but I do not understand I wish to comprehend

Dream Lamb (And Dream Narinder) is exactly as the name implies; dream versions of the counterpart that only appears within Narinder's (Or Lambert's) dreams at night.

They are a visual manifestation of the subconscious, they are not real individuals. They can reflect what Narinder/Lamb's true feelings are about something/someone, or torment them about things that they perceive to be true.

One example is that Dream Lamb often makes Narinder remember how fondly he thinks of the Lamb ("You think of them so poetically" + all prior friendship he had with them in the gateway) or pointing out how his words contradict his actions; behaving and believing them to be a traitor and insufferable but doing things of his own will (resurrecting the crab, not killing their flock because it makes them upset, allowing Leshy to live, ect ect).

Dream Lamb ALSO points out the complicated feelings with his siblings; ie reminding him of how he used to help raise his youngers, and the mixture of emotions he feels towards individuals who he claims he despises.

Dream Narinder (Who is not into written form yet and is only in comic form as of this post) who instead of tormenting the dreamer with confrontation of feelings being denied, instead sews doubt and guilt. The Lamb feels even though they stayed true to themselves, they cannot help but feel like their perceived betrayal has damaged the friendship between them and Narinder beyond repair. Despite that grief for the loss of friendship, they'll accept what little companionship they can have from their best friend left over.

Dream Narinder fuels on this, often echoing their worst fears and worries ('You've done a good job as my vessel, so I no longer have a need for you.") So he acts non-nonchalant and often mocking/teasing, or even indulgent with the acknowledgment that none of it is real. Where as Dream Lamb confronts Narinder with feelings he's wanting to push back, Dream Narinder goes the opposite route, and calmly and casually reinforces what they believe to be the reality.

Dream Lamb represents Denial of the Truth, While Dream Narinder is the Acceptance of a Lie.

However,

Because they are corrupted visuals of the subconscious, but still their subconscious nonetheless, this means that these behaviors can change or be different depending on how the dreamer thinks/feels, and how they're processing their emotions in relation to something. Especially when they're confronting it.

In other words, the closer Narinder gets to accepting his feelings and understanding the Lamb's reasoning for their 'betrayal', and the closer the Lamb gets to realizing Narinder's care for them still persists, the more accurate and truer the dreams become.

Like in this comic, where Dream Narinder is tormenting the Lamb, but after their snap back that Narinder would not say something so cruel to them, despite his outward attitude, they are practically rewarded with a praise for it.

For Dream Narinder specifically, his eye remains closed....but opens a little more the closer and closer the Lamb gets to believing how Narinder truly feels about them, whether the real cat has accepted it or not.

As for Dream Lamb, they go from being very aggressive about their confrontation to something more docile, eventually as Narinder starts to process everything.

Another thing: the Dreams are linked. Not always, but they have to be on the same...wavelength for it. An understanding, perhaps. But they do affect each other, sometimes.

The dreams can be nice too, depending. That's why they're not always nightmarish. Meaning, with enough push and pull, eventually:

Why all of this dream and nightmare stuff is happening? Yet to be revealed.

Remember guys if you avoid your feelings in real life they might hunt you down in your dreams, and possibly bluetooth you to the object of your affections dreams as well if you're nice about it

[daydreamcloudshiding]

#6 Astrology Observations

People with 2nd house stellium are generous but also protective with their resources. Like the more you show them that you want/need their help, the more they will withhold it from you

People with prominent Leo placements in natal chart have such sensitive ego, like the moment you make them feel like they are less important, they will remember that sh*t forever

Although, ironically, Leo placements are really good in boosting someone else's ego as well

Aquarius people are the funniest people I've ever met. They can be so loving and caring but in a light-hearted way

Prominent Saturn placement in composite chart have feel like one of you will be looked up to, almost like a parent or teacher. This also works in synastry chart

In my experience, Virgos always have that selfish streak about them. Makes me want to kind of gatekeep certain things from them lol

In my life, a lot of Sagittarius women fell for Cancer men so much??? It's weird though, because I always perceive Sagittarius women as this ambitious, freedom-seeking, and sometimes even reckless in their emotional expression. But they ended up baby-ing these Cancer men

North node conjunct Chiron in composite chart is very karmic and hurtful, at least that's my experience. It's like the universe will forced the both of you to grow and change, face your deepest fears and even the worst version of yourselves.

Mars in 8th house composite: The Jealous Couple. The moment some b*tch tried to touch / talk to their significant other inappropriately, all hell breaks loose. Just don't. Even the most chill couple I know just won't sit quietly, they will fight with you. And don't get me wrong, this isn't about one person gets jealous of the other. It's both. Both of them have this attitude towards the relationship

Lilith in 1st house composite, both become each other's sexiest and darkest fantasies

I feel like a lot of people are obsessed with 8th house synastry. People actually imagined it to be this hades/persephone type sh*t where one person is obsessed with the other -reminds me of those creepy booktok girls who fantasize about getting kidnapped by handsome dude. While in real life, 8th house synastry can be so emotionally abusive and the worst part is, not one person in this person meant any harm or even have the obsessive qualities before this relationship. Which is why some people talk about this placement as if the people in it is "losing themselves", because they do might be changed, but not always for the better. Or at least, these people will be the worst version of themselves before they get better. In real life, if you have s*icidal tendencies or depression, this type of relationship can trigger you so much. Oftentimes, this person that you have 8th house synastry with represents both your insecurities and desire

There's something about Pisceans that somehow seems like "the perfect victim" with how passive and innocent they are, only later people discover how they hate feeling trapped or abused in anyway. The moment they feel slighted, they will remember it forever however due to their somewhat light-hearted and dreamy nature, they seems to forget about it so easily but they aren't. It's only a matter of time before they leave. Somehow, some way, with their passivity, it seems to others that they will just "accept" whatever treatment from others, but then you notice with time, they will be withdrawn and avoid you little by little. Piscesan reminds me sooooo much of Sagittarius (and yes both are ruled by Jupiter, which represents expansion) so the idea that they're this harmless, passive, innocent little baby who will stay there no matter what is so not true. They will avoid confrontation and will not argue with you about how wrong you treated them, but they will find an escape route

Sagittarius women really out there being the baddies and somehow fall for questionable men 😃

Venus in 7th house in the Solar Return Chart does not always means that you will find love that year. It could also means that justice will be in your favor

Those people with placements that aligns with your mercury sign can help balance your mental health

I'm not even sure if I've written this before, but all water signs are equally vindictive. They don't ever forget sh*t you did to them, especially the girls

Scorpios, especially the males, are attracted to dark, dangerous personalities, probably because in some sense they recognized that characteristics within themselves. However, once they become the said victims of those dark personalities, they will become too spiritual/religious, or further affected their narrow-mindedness (if they are already narrow-minded) and those who aren't narrow-minded initially, they will start to become one. They can even turn hateful. This is because in my opinion, like most water signs, they are can be prone to naivety. They genuinely thought that these dark personalities will do harm to others, but somehow not to them because they too recognized these characteristics in them. But these dark personalities, or just messed up people are not picky about their victims, they just victimize anyone in their way. This can create power struggles in the relationship or make the relationship too transactional because Scorpios will want to overpower the other, and would rather stay in this relationship (until they win the war, or get even, revengeful, etc) than to just stay the f away from these toxic relationships. This can create harmful patterns in their behavior where future relationships with others/new lovers will be filled with manipulations and "tactics" rather than sincerity

[drdemonprince]

Gender liberation, in the end, is not a war between the good group and the bad. It is a collective struggle against the laws, cultural norms, social rules, and institutional policies that restrict all people, and uses rigid gendered categories to keep us so restricted. 

I think if we are going to be able to move forward in this fight, trans men must abandon the notion that other men are fundamentally the “bad” gender — and that we don’t belong to that category because of our transness. We must embrace manhood as a state of both strength and profound lostness, an immense liability as much as it is a source of gender euphoric joy, and see the frustrated wanderings of other marginalized masculine people as of a piece with our own. 

And so, in the interest of helping us all find our way to each other, here are some of the major struggles that trans men and cis men have in common: 

Gender Dysphoria 

Many people believe the experience of having gender dysphoria is something like having a phantom limb, or seeing the wrong image in the mirror, but that’s rarely true. 

For a lot of trans people, gender dysphoria feels more like a maddening insecurity about how we look and how we are being perceived that seems to know no satisfaction, a mental itching that wanders all across our bodies, our faces, down our throats, across our hairlines, and even all over our clothes. It’s the uncertain sense we are not being ourselves correctly, an out-of-placeness that makes our very being feel like it has no right to exist.

Gender dysphoria is not caused by having the “wrong” gendered brain for one’s body (the notion of “male” and “female” brains is a myth), nor is it a mental illness afflicting only trans people. Rather, gender dysphoria is a pretty sensible trauma response to society’s unrelenting and coercive gendering. All people are categorized as a gender, assigned rules, and threatened with becoming less of a person should they fail to measure up. This means that even cisgender people can experience the terror of feeling that they’ve failed to enact their gender correctly and make themselves socially acceptable— a sensation that often gets called “gender dysphoria.” 

I think I first realized that cis people could be gender dysphoric when the actress Amanda Bynes revealed she had tumbled into a major depressive episode after watching herself portray a male character in the comedy She’s the Man. The disturbance she felt from watching herself enact the “wrong” gender sounded exactly like how I felt back when I looked in the mirror at myself as a “woman.” 

In 2019, when Jason Derulo complained about his bulge being removed with CGI for his role in the film Cats, I was reminded once again that cis people can feel utterly, dysphorically wrong in their bodies or how they are perceived. Each year, millions of cis people spend thousands of dollars on breast augmentations, jaw implants, hair plugs, and leg-lengthening surgeries, at least in part for gender dysphoric reasons, and if you’ve worn both male and female clothing before, you’ve likely recognized how much of the tailoring of garments is done to deliberately accentuate or even manufacture the gendered features of a person’s shape. 

Cis people feel ill-at-ease in their bodies, and fail to measure up to gender normative standards too. That’s how artificially constructed and harshly enforced these standards really are.

In recent years, I’ve spent a good amount of time in gay male bathhouses. When I reveal this fact, even to other gay men, I’m sometimes met with confessions of deep bodily insecurity. The idea of being nude in a highly gendered sexual marketplace often causes people’s worst gendered fears to bubble up. 

“I could never go to a place like that,” one cis gay man in his forties confessed to me. “My dick is too small. Nobody would ever want to look at me.” 

“I wouldn’t fit in there,” said another cis man, a short, effeminate type with long flowing hair. “They might think I was a girl and kick me out or harass me.” 

These men knew, of course, that I don’t have a penis, and can be mistaken for a woman from some angles. And I had just told each of them I’d never had any problem visiting the sauna. Yet they couldn’t shake the sense that I was doing manhood correctly enough, and they were somehow doing it wrong. Despite ostensibly being “cis,” they weren’t quite sure that manhood as a category could hold them as they really were — not when they were nude and vulnerable, surrounded by their idea of the proper man. 

Of course, having been in these spaces frequently, I could have told them that nobody there is the “proper” kind of man at all. There’s just regular human beings in there — with sunken chests, stretch marks, amputated limbs, multi-layered bellies, rounded backs, tiny hands, and eye patches. 

Over the years, cis men have shared dozens of gender dysphoric insecurities with me, about everything from the width of their shoulders to the length of their eyelashes to the way they hold a can of beer. And in some of the sections below, we will explore more specific examples, because these sources of dysphoria mirror trans men’s almost exactly. But it’s important to establish first that the major commonality across both groups of men is our fear we’re not being men correctly at all. 

Every man, I believe, grapples with the disjoint between their actual, complex human selves and the strong, built, stoic, powerful, masculine image that has been pushed upon us. And we fear living up to that standard because the consequences of that failure can be so harsh — these norms are quite violently imposed. 

Failing to be a man, in some sense, is what being a man actually means. We are united in the precarity of our position, as powerful as it is. A man in a tank-top with a bald spot sitting beside a lush pond. Photo by Beth Macdonald on Unsplash

Hair Insecurities 

“I wish I could grow a full beard so that I could pass better,” says Topher, a trans guy with long hair in his mid-twenties. “But I’m realizing that cis men with long hair get misgendered often too.” 

Dunmer, a bisexual trans guy, echoes this experience. “In this one chemistry class a few years ago, both me and this cis guy got called ma’am by a professor. I’m a rather effeminate/androgynous dude, but I have prominent facial hair. And the other guy who got misgendered was pretty masculine, but had long hair and was clean shaven. We both just kinda looked at each other and shrugged after it happened.” 

I’ve found that numerous cis and trans men harbor deep insecurities about their hair — where it’s growing, where it doesn’t, how it looks on their bodies, and where they might be losing it. It may sound like a frivolous subject at first blush, but hair is integral to gendered perceptions, as well as how others view our sexual attractiveness, race, and age. 

Trans men worry frequently about potential hair loss on T for more aesthetic reasons. I’ve known numerous trans masculine people who have avoided starting hormones because they’ve feared eventually going bald and becoming “less attractive.” And in this we aren’t alone, as 52 billion dollars gets spent each year (by people of all genders) on hair loss prevention treatments. 

“It’s helped me to realize that cis men are also scared of going bald,” says Topher. “When I worry about something gender-wise, I ask myself if cis men deal with what I deal with, and it’s helped me settle into my identity more.” 

Cis and trans men also share complicated feelings about body hair. Though being covered in a dark blanket of fuzz certainly reads as “masculine,” male beauty standards for the last several decades have eschewed hairiness in favor of a the glistening, action-figure-y look. Trans and cis men alike often fear that hair sprouting on their backs will make them unattractive, or that growing a “neckbeard” will be seen as slovenly. And it’s no coincidence that hairiness has often been linked with fatness and being racialized in many people’s minds — the uncontrolled proliferation of hair is often cast as animalistic, unclean, disgusting, less than human. 

But some men have sought refuge from such punishing standards within the gay Bear community. 

“I have never felt more welcomed in my masculinity than I have around other bears,” says Kody, a trans male bear. “I’m literally growing in my manhood — getting bigger, hairier, louder, taking up more space. While being really soft and tender too.” 

I wrote about the many struggles that unite trans and cis men, and how a deep appreciation for our commonalities is essential to the fight for gender liberation. You can read the full piece for free, or have it narrated to you by the Substack app, at drdevonprice.substack.com.

[cinnamokittykat]

My head canons for Sol Brugsmansia x chubby fem! reader!

TW for: Sexual content, Dubcon(?), stalker/yandere tendencies, mentioned violence, mentions of body issues, Somnophilia

SFW (TW for some mild violence)

- This man needs a girl who can be his pillow, so of course he sets his sights on you immediately

- He's the biggest slut for headpats, you could honestly bribe him to do so much by promising to pet him a bit

- Is there an article of clothing you want that isn't available in your size? He'll learn how to tailor them to your size, even if it's a bit shoddy at first

- If anyone were to ever insinuate that you aren't enough because of your weight... They might not be dead but they'll likely be pretty bloody

- He gets so sad when you feel bad about yourself, he'd just grab you and not let you go until you feel better

- He bites affectionately. He bites to get your attention. Sometimes he bites just to bite.

- When he gets jealous, he doesn't lash out at you at all. The worst he may do towards you is cry/beg. The only people he'd hurt in the situation are the people he perceives as a threat. Not you, his perfect girl.

NSFW

- He also bites to mark his territory while making out and having sex.

- He LOVES your curves, especially your boobs. He loves grabbing them and squishing them and kneading them and he loves when you wear a low cut shirt and lean forward in it

- He loves your ass more because he doesn't have to worry about you catching him staring as easily

- So, so so whiny and vocal. Especially when he's been staring at your body all day and has spent the majority of it hard in some capacity.

- Loves eating pussy so much. He'll pin you down and bury his face in between your thick thighs until you're teared up from overstimulation and he has a wet spot in his pants from cumming. If you two aren't together yet, he'll sneak into your room at night and eat you out in your sleep.

- Ideally if he had to die, he'd choose to do it by having your legs wrapped around his head until he suffocates

- Would make you cum from oral a number of times then have the best time sticking his tongue in your pussy to clean you up

- He really prefers being submissive or on equal footing with you in the bedroom. Ideally he's being used as your toy to get off, laying on his back to be ridden to completion, letting you control the situation.

- But when he does feel possessive. Angry. Jealous. It feels like a different person takes hold of him. He'll embarrass, threaten, or even eliminate whatever threat he sees to you two being together forever. After they've been taken care of how he sees fit, he'd find you and pound you until walking isn't a possibility the next day. He'll fuck you until your ass is red and your neck is a patchy-reddish purple and cum drips from your hole. If he somehow ever got your permission, he'd do it in front of the other person too. Make them see what they'd be up against if they even tried.

- And if you were being watched during, he's going into overdrive with the theatrics. It doesn't matter if he has to edge himself, overstimulate himself, or power through muscle pain and lack of breath, he'll do it so show how great of a partner he is.

- The added benefit to this for him is that you'll have no choice but to be taken care of by him at least for a short period of time. He'd happily feed you and bathe you and massage you as much as you need.

[impish-baby]

Yandere Omega father x beta reader how would you perceive this?

I am thinking..single omega father that is completely out of mind, the only thing he knows for certain is that he loves you more than anything!

You're his gift, his pride and joy, the one blessing he was given out of years of strife

He doesn't mean to make things hard for you, truly, it's just that you're his baby! You shouldn't have to lift a finger around the house, don't worry, dad has it covered (and if you have a tough time getting a starter job because you're embarrassed that you don't know how to do basic tasks, you where silly for wanting to work in the first place)

Dating has been a no-go for him for a very long time, omega father needed all his attention to be on you, it's important for pups to have lots of care! Really, he just despises the idea of anyone else taking on a parental role in your life

If he were to ever start dating again, he's so nitpicky that there's rarely a second date if he even got through the first. He gets so anxious being away, his poor puppy is home by themselves :(( they have to be devested that he isn't there with them, he can just imagine them curled up in his nest waiting for him to get back like a good kid.. (insert shot of reader having the time of their life chugging energy drinks and watching all the movies that were 'too inappropriate'... jk, the weirdo probably has nanny cams everywhere)

He isn't above the worst kinds of manipulation to get you to stay with him

Sobbing, choking on air breakdowns that make you worry to the core.. bawling his eyes out about you not caring about him, hating him (you just wanted to visit a friend)

Escalating, especially if it's about you eventually moving out. He's desperate, fear clawing at his chest as he sobs that he should just die then, that he'll wither away because his precious baby doesn't want their dumb father anymore

Sometimes, the bouts swing into fits of anger that have you crying. He doesn't yell, not really, but who wants the only parent they have telling them that they gave up their entire lives for them and now you're throwing all that away? That it's your fault your dad suffered for years, didn't eat because he had to make sure you did, and here you are walking away like he means nothing to you, ungrateful brat..

He never means it, of course! It's just that.. dad gets really upset when you talk about things of that nature, sweetie, and it is true to an extent that he sacrificed everything for you, weren't you being a little selfish now that you think about it? Come here, he'll dutifully wipe away those yucky tears so you can go cuddle and forget what a stupid thing you said, it's like nothing ever happened! :D

[noxiatoxia]

Mikan wants to be "forgiven"...but what does that really mean?

Hello. This is something that has been quietly on my mind for a while.

It's something shown in the game in chapter 3. Mikan really focuses in on "being forgiven".

And while not a mistranslation per se, I think it's inaccurate to what is happening in the game.

I've talked about this extensively - the fact ENG DR team has a very bad habit of translating things literally or very directly. This leads to either clunky dialogue, missed nuances, or just incorrect interpretations sometimes.

I think this in particular falls somewhere between 2 and 3. I'll explain why.

If translated literally, the English text works just fine, but as with a lot of literal translation, it misses the "feeling" of what was trying to be conveyed. If you want my translation...

Mikan: Won't someone just tell me what I did wrong!? Why won't anyone just let it be already!?

While Mikan doesn't say "What did I do wrong", there is a subtle emphasis on her talking about herself...I feel like it's a more natural way to word what is essentially "What is it that I did differently [to warrant this]?"

Anyways, to the main point...I hope you can kind of see what I'm getting at.

"Forgive" feels like...Mikan is seeking people to "pardon" her for perceived wrong-doings. And while not untrue I would say, the way Mikan specifically uses the word and the context it is in, to me, feels much more like she is using it like "allow" or "excuse".

Let me use another example to better explain myself.

The last line to me reads like Mikan needed this person to pardon her for being born; for existing. That her existence in and of itself was a mistake or wrong-doing that needed to be forgiven.

I think that's missing the point, though.

Mikan: They allowed me to exist.

See, the point is...Mikan is a very troubled person. She admits as much in the freetime events that wherever she goes, she is horribly bullied just for existing. That she hated being bullied, but even more she hates being forgotten.

She emphasizes her beloved (Junko) did not hate her, and in fact allowed her presence...

This line was heavily misread, I think. 許して受け入れて was read as two verbs in one sentence (which it is) but as "forgive and accept" which is incorrect to what it means. It's closer to "they tolerated me" (like, accepting and moving on). Which comes to how I would translate it, and my final point:

Mikan: They accepted me for who I am.

This is why I think the "forgive" thing is not only incorrect, but actually opposite of what this scene was going for. Junko did not "forgive" Mikan for the sin of existing. Rather, she was the only person who seemed to not mind that she existed, that didn't bully or ignore her.

She didn't "forgive" Mikan, she allowed her to be herself.

Another reason DR3 totally missed the mark, but I digress...

I guess while I'm on the topic, we all know that scene where Mikan has a little back-and-forth with Nagito...that, too, was misrepresented somewhat.

Putting the English here just for comparison sake. And while not the worst translation in the world, it certainly isn't how I would go about it.

Nagito: I don't...really get what you're trying to say... Mikan: Oh, you don't? (lit: you don't understand?) Mikan: Is that because you don't have any loved ones in your life? Mikan: Is it because there's no one who will love you?* Mikan: Oh, you poor thing...I feel very sorry for you.

*Literally speaking, she says "Is it because you are a person nobody allows" but considering the context thus far, it's easy to conclude she means that there's no one who will love/accept him for who he is.

*Adding "also" to the line is a mistranslation, I believe. �� means also but it is also used for emphasis, which I think it is here. Not that it's impossible Mikan is using it to say "also", but in these lines of dialogue she is intentionally contrasting how she does have someone who loves her and that she can love, so to then identify a similarity between her and Nagito, I think, wouldn't make much sense...

Mikan is one of my favorite characters, so little details like this matter a lot to me.

[martian-astro10]

Arudha lagna in signs (sidereal chart, whole signs)- Part 2

- part 1 is here

AL in LIBRA - like Leo, people may see you as someone who has many secret admirers. You may also be the mediator in your friend group. People may see you as someone who is very social and charming but also clever and cunning. You guys may want to maintain a good bond with everyone and this is why your stance on a lot of things is neutral. With this, people definitely think you are beautiful. You guys can come across as really manipulative though and this may cause many people to hate you. People can perceive you as a superficial person, they might think that you care more about appearances. You may victimise yourself a lot, like, having everything that a person could ask for but still whining about little things. I have noticed that these people end up making a lot of enemies, and most of the times it's unintentional. I really don't know why though. You know those politicians who are just as bad as the others but people think they're nice because they're good looking and "sweet", (Justin Trudeau 👀) that would be you guys. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

AL in SCORPIO - my mom and my mom's younger brother who stole all the inheritance, both have this placement 😭. I feel like I've seen both the best and the worst parts of this one. People definitely see you as cunning and strategic, they may think that you'll go to any lengths to be successful. Many people don't actually know what to perceive you as, they think that your personality constantly changes, depending on who you are with. You can also be seen as a great business person, despite having many failed ventures. People may want to be your close friend so they can benefit from the power that you have. You may have trouble opening up to people and that's why you come across as secretive, but I feel like you guys actually just don't know how to be expressive, it's not intentional. You guys may have a lot of broken relationships because of your trust issues and controlling nature, but also because you have such high standards which no human being can reach because nobody is perfect. I feel like men with this placement can't keep it in their pants 😭. You can also be destructive leaders. You are also extremely adventurous, more than Aries or Sagittarius, you'll do ANYTHING as long as you think that the reward is worth it. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

AL in SAGITTARIUS - love these people tbh, you can be seen as the epitome of the "chill guy" meme. But you can also be serious when the situation calls for it. My mom's older brother has this, he's a Libra ascendant but has all the traits of a Sagittarius. People may love spending time with you because of how funny and playful you are. You come across as a very charming person but unlike leo and Libra, it's your personality rather than your face. You can be seen as kind of impulsive though, like, you know those guys who do stupid stuff like standing on a bike while riding it but still come out alive, that's you. Since it's ruled by Jupiter, you are very much seen as someone philosophical, the type of person who constantly acts like a preacher (can be annoying sometimes). You can be seen as someone who holds a grudge for a LOOONG time, a person might have said something to you when you were 10 and you'll still refuse to talk to them or let them know what they did whenever you see them. You also hate it when people call you out on your shit because in your mind, you're the most intelligent and only your views matter. People view you as extremely childish. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

AL in CAPRICORN - (I HAVE THIS), you are seen as someone who is mature for their age. People may think that you're very disciplined, responsible and like to follow a set routine. So many of my classmates have told me that they think I'm all of the above because I live alone. You can also be seen as ambitious and hardworking. People may think that you are very much focused on materialistic things and you may come across as someone who is not good at making emotional connections. Also, i don't know if it's just me but people have told me that I look sad all the time....i remember this one time a guy said "why do you always have a rainy cloud on top of your head"...yeah. You can be intolerant of others opinions and can be overly critical of others. People may also think that you are condescending (which you are not btw, everyone around you is just stupid). I feel like you may be more into tough love, and want people to be more practical and this can make them not like you because a lot of times, all that people want is a hug. You hate slow people and want everything to be done ASAP. You look annoyed all the time. People may also think that you're intimidating. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

AL in AQUARIUS - I have many friends with this and if there's one thing that I can say with complete confidence, it's that, people definitely see you as a progressive person. Everyone i know with this is so outspoken about LGBTQ, feminist, and wars and issues like these. People may think that you have a strong sense of justice and want to make this world a better place for everyone. Your actions are guided by compassion. People may love your ideas as they're always so unique and easy to implement. Similar to Capricorn, you guys can be condescending as well, and may have a "my way or the highway" attitude. It's like, you believe in things so strongly that it pisses you off when others don't do the same. You guys can be unreliable friends, you expect people to be there for you but won't do the same for others. You are also be prone to ghosting people. People may not like how overconfident you are, you think you know everything, you have certain opinions and you'll not change them no matter what happens. It's like, all your knowledge comes from books and not real life experience, so you can come across as naive, kind of like, keyboard warriors. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

AL in PISCES - I know a few people with this and they all look like pushovers, I'm sorry 😭. People see them as a creative person and then they think of ways to take advantage of that creativity. You may be perceived as someone who is always "lost", you just have this aloof expression on your face. I feel like these people need a good, strong companion so that their more positive traits come out. They look like they won't be able to function alone. Unlike Aquarius, your compassion comes from real life experiences. I honestly see these people going to dangerous areas and helping people. As much as I love them, I wouldn't want to be very close to them. People may think that you're very moody and can react in a sort of dangerous way if someone rejects you, it's like when pearl says "NO! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME IF I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME!" You may be prone to overthinking as well, and then become very clingy which turns people off. You might be bad at communication and not tell people what's wrong which again leads them to see you as closed off. If it's more positively aspected then people will see the positives of the sign in you and vice versa.

© martian-astro All rights reserved, 2024

[anomaliex]

Collection of headcanons not elaborate enough for own word vomit post:

- I don't think Kristen can swim. She has the vibes of someone who never learned as a kid and now it's too late to bring up without being embarrassed. (Also I thought about what would happen if she fell in water — mechanically she's wearing heavy armor, would Brennan just let her swim since she's in universe only in a tracksuit or would she sink without a sufficient strength check? Idk, but that's how I got to the no swimming conclusion.)

- insanely weird hc to have but i think Fabian shaves his arm hair. Also like legs and arm pits i guess but the way more unusual and therefore notable thing is arms. This guy kills any body and facial hair on sight. Like no one has ever seen him with as much as stubble outside of Cathilda or the Bad Kids when they were sleeping over. Why? Idk he just prefers that, no deeper reason. I do think elves generally have less body hair but here his human genes come through so he has to shave. Or get it lasered away I guess. You can do that right?? He's rich. Maybe he'd do it.

- also Fabian's depth perception is dog shit. Using his crossbow is less impressive because Fandrangor is simply a better weapon and his flourishes and manoeuvres rely on melee combat, I know, but to me it's also just that he's better at hitting things real close to him.

- Riz is the kinda guy to have chronic migraines and think it's fine. "Everyone has headaches sometimes and I do sleep a lot less than I should ahaha" (the amount of coffee he drinks is barely saving him from the horrors.)

- Adaine also gets a lot of migraines in what I think are more. Passive non specific visions? Like a gut feeling that's always correct and also makes her body hate her. The proper visions are comparable to absence seizures I think? Like I don't wanna say it's that because it's magic but the process is kind of the same in the sense that she's out for like ten to thirty seconds and it can really suck

- I also think Adaine has synaesthesia! I can't really put this into words well so I'm not even gonna try, but she perceives certain sounds and/or colours at times where there shouldn't be sounds and/or colours. I think those associations also to an extend help in drawing connections between less specific visions and real life.

- we know Gorgug has a drumset in his room I think it's electronic. But like not in a normal way like we have them irl it's some insane artificer shit that would justify so much more noise complaints than a regular one and also could probably have its own pyrotechnics idfk. It's fully a safety hazard but it doesn't even rank on the top 10 of worst things to have in your house that is a TREE that the Thistlesprings casually own.

- I think either Fig or Kristen would be the shortest medium creature type Bad Kid. Like obviously Riz is four feet tall max but he's in a whole different category lmao

- Fig sometimes puts little braids in Jawbone's fur and he happily lets her. He only properly adopted Adaine and Fig has more than enough dads, but he does still act as sort of a paternal figure to her (and every other kid ((which in this case includes Ragh but maybe not Aelwyn)) in mordred manor because he's just a caring guy and it's hard not to grow attached) so that's their pseudo daddy-daughter bonding

- Fabian doesn't like, hate Gilear as much as he used to? Like he still has his moments but overall he thinks he's a good guy and absolutely has the "well I can shit on him but I'm gonna kill this other guy who did. How dare you make fun of my Mama's beloved??" mindset. But uhm he tries to make Gilear work out with him so he can "stop being death fodder". Gilear is a commoner and everyone else in Seacaster Manor absolutely is not and like he likes it and he loves these people but he does kind of live in hell. His wife? Could kill him. His step son? Could kill him. The maid? Could kill him. The dog slash motor cycle?? Could kill him. One hit. Also the entire current Seacaster household are dexterity based fighters they're all so graceful and skilled he's fully just a guy that spills every drink ever on himself

- I think the Hangman loves Cathilda because she gives good chin scritchies (hound form obviously lol) Generally he tends to mirror Fabian's attitude towards people anyway so he's always liked her, but once he started being a hound more she started petting him and giving him treats and he is smitten

- Gorgug (and sometimes Ragh or Ayda) play extreme fetch with the Hangman. Like I need to stress that he's not just a big dog he's large enough to be a mount, which means he'd have to be the size of a horse. Maybe a small horse sure but that's still a horse-sized dog. I think his mini looks fairly big but in my heart he's bigger. So yeah fetch with him (which they mainly do because they want him to feel comfortable in both forms because he's so good) is really big sticks. Like not logs or anything but sticks the average person can't huck all that far. Fabian casts enhance ability on himself so he can also do it, lol. The wonders of multiclassing into bard.

- I think the only Bad Kids who never use makeup are Riz and Kristen. Gorgug doesn't do it every day and not that much but he uses eyeliner sometimes. Fig's makeup is the most noticeable and usually very fun.

- Gorgug has kissed Ragh at least twice. So at least one time after the prom thing. I don't mean this in a ship way I mean this in I look at Gorgug and then I look at Ragh and I go yeah these guys have shared at least one tender bro kiss. I mean I think Gorgug is the kinda guy that would kiss all of his friends if they wanted to because it's not that big of a deal to him and he loves them but not everyone is comfortable w/ that lol. He and Kristen kiss each other on the cheek though, I think (this does not mean he wants to see her naked in public please put your clothes back on Kristen??)

[the-crooked-library]

Blurred Lines: Agency and Victimhood in Gothic Horror

Seeing as Robert Eggers' Nosferatu has just breached a cool $135M at the worldwide box office, it might be as good a time to talk about this as any. I believe I echo the sentiments of most diehard fans of gothic horror when I say this: while we are glad to see this masterpiece meet with well-deserved success, these numbers also mean that a significant proportion of its audience has been previously unfamiliar with the hallmarks of our beloved genre; and the resulting disconnect between the viewers and the source material has been the driving force behind the great majority of the online discourse that surrounds it.

The tools and conventions of the gothic, as a genre, are essential to Nosferatu's primary narrative arc. Its central character, Ellen Hutter, cannot be discussed outside of her literary context. Textually, she balances between heroine and damsel in distress - blurred, in many ways, from mainstream understanding.

That is done entirely on purpose. There are numerous reasons for it; I could go into heavy detail about it; and I will - under the cut, of course.

The main thing I must make absolutely clear (before delving any deeper) is that the gothic genre is fundamentally non-literal. It deals heavily in metaphor, allegory, allusion, obfuscation - and, indeed, the blurred lines that have recently caused so much controversy online. This is by design. It is not a flaw of storytelling or interpretation. The gothic affronts the rigid, black-and-white, mainstream forms of morality because that is what it has always been designed to do; and the newer installments like Nosferatu do the same, being built upon those traditional foundations.

The historical background is therefore essential to the understanding of a gothic narrative. In this, the film does provide the viewer with a relatively easy starting point; its period setting amplifies its connection to its predecessors, as well as the societal pressures and systemic violence that it aims to challenge. It allows the audience to perceive the story through a historical lens that comes pre-installed, as a sort of short-cut to the genre's original social context.

The context, in this case, consists of misogyny, queerphobia, xenophobia, and ableism - which, while rampant even in the modern day, were that much more blatant in 1830s German Confederation, where/when the story largely takes place. Every human character, regardless of who they are, is influenced by these oppressive aspects of their society; and Ellen Hutter is hopelessly entrapped within all four.

Her social situation, as we are given to understand, is precarious. Though she was originally born into wealth, she married down to escape her abusive father. She is an eccentric - her "wild" inclinations (such as having a sense of dignity or loving the outdoors as a child) are enough to cause almost vitriolic disapproval; but on top of that, she was born with a psychic gift, which manifests in a way that is not dissimilar from a mental (and sometimes physical) disability. She and her husband are also English immigrants, and thus perpetual outsiders in Wisborg (this is also one of the reasons Thomas is so anxious to prove himself at Knock's firm, and so keen to emulate Harding in all things); and, finally, she implied to experience queer attraction - which, though non-explicit, repressed, and never truly indulged, still affects her and the way she is continuously treated throughout the film.

Overall, Ellen's existence is perceived, at best, as an inconvenience - and at worst, a scandal. With that, she fits seamlessly into her story's genre.

The "immoral," the forbidden, the taboo is a cornerstone of all gothic fiction. It exists in the doubt between light and dark, harm and desire, love and abuse. It is the domain of sympathetic villains (e.g. Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights), of imperfect victims (Bertha Mason, Jane Eyre), of heroes who are deeply flawed, who cause their own tragedies, and often fail to save anyone at all (Victor Frankenstein, Frankenstein). Within the gothic genre, there are no absolutes; and its contradicting balance of dichotomies provides a reference point - or, more accurately, a cultural triangulation - for exploring the same complexities that a binary puritanical mindset strives to eradicate. These include sexual desire, female autonomy, physical and mental disabilities, classism; in short, anything that gets people wincing.

The popular discussion of these topics is frequently cruel, often avoidant, and rarely straightforward or productive. As stated above, it makes people uncomfortable. It's not pleasant. However, for Ellen (and many people in the real world), it is, quite literally, impossible to avoid. It defines every aspect of her daily life.

What this means for her and for the story is that within a narrative that refuses to gloss over the imperfections of her surrounding society, her victimhood is not thrust upon her by a shadowy figure, emerging from the night. Instead, she is a victim - of an ongoing and systemic, rather than individual, abuse.

This aspect of Ellen's characterization lies at the core of her behaviour throughout the film. She is an unstable chimera of Brontë's Jane Eyre and Bertha Mason - in the sense that her actions are informed, in great part, by her acute awareness of her own disenfranchisement. She alternates between anguished raving and phlegmatic practicality, used to her pain but unable to entirely ignore it; and, the same way that Jane sees all the rage she feels (but cannot afford to express) manifested in Bertha, Ellen finds her counterpart in Orlok.

This is where the ambiguity begins.

Even though Orlok is most certainly a gothic villain, his relationship with Ellen cannot be interpreted as strictly adversarial. Naturally, it would be easy to ascribe their dynamic to grooming and PTSD; however, as previously mentioned, a gothic narrative is never surface-level - and the film itself never furnishes any information that would definitively limit it to that.

Firstly, to get the primary discourse point out of the way - yes, when Ellen and Orlok first meet within the ether, she is indeed young; and later, she is said to have been a child. However, at the time, the term "teenager"did not yet exist; Ellen's younger self is not portrayed by a child actress; and later, in 1838, she is referred to as a child multiple times - despite being an adult, married woman. Overall, within the film, the term is more often used to describe innocence and inexperience, rather than age; and her initial age is never specified. Granted, a multi-century age gap is not exactly "healthy" anyway - but this is a vampire story. It is per the course; and it complicates their relationship beyond a simple victim vs abuser narrative.

Secondly - and perhaps, most importantly - the overall impact of Orlok's coercion tactics falls flat in comparison to Ellen's human-world alternatives. Yes, he argues and threatens; but her social circumstances have never allowed her agency in the first place. Her father abuses, isolates, and threatens to institutionalize her; Thomas dismisses her concerns as "childish fantasies"; Harding and Sievers tie her down and drug her; Harding again kicks her out of the house. Her marriage, her friendships, are therefore all transactional; they grant her an escape from her father's house, relative financial stability, social support - on the condition that she represses her true self, pretends to be normal, doesn't threaten anyone's masculinity or heterosexuality, and acts like she's happy to be a deferring, obedient, settled wife. Being a daughter of a landed gentleman, she would never have been given a working woman's education, and evidently has no income of her own; and so, she has no options except to upkeep her end of the bargain - which means that her continued survival within mainstream society relies on constant background coercion.

Compared to this mundane, socially acceptable horror of her existence, the vampire actually offers her more autonomy than she is ever otherwise accorded. The terms of his covenant never threaten Ellen's own well-being; so on one hand, she has benevolence - and on the other, the dignity of choice.

This contrast lies at the heart of her dilemma. Ellen is torn between what she believes she should be and what she knows - and Orlok knows - she is.

One is "correct," moral, Good; the other is "wrong," sinful, Evil. However, at the same time, the first is manufactured; it is artificially designed, and must be continuously enforced. The second is primal. Natural. In accordance with gothic tradition, the appeal of Orlok is that he is forbidden, yet instinctive. By design, he is a reflection of everything that Ellen is forced to repress on a daily basis. That includes her rage, her ostracism, her abnormalities; but also, her desperate need to be respected, understood, and desired. He is both grotesque and alluring, both a lord and a beast, both cruel and reverent.

"He is my melancholy!.." cries Ellen.

"I am Heathcliff!" whispers Cathy.

Still, while Cathy and Heathcliff are primarily divided by class and racism, Orlok and Ellen are separated by moral considerations. In the explicit sense, Ellen cannot choose the Evil that Orlok represents. Within the surface narrative, she is obligated by her society, her morals, and the story to choose Good - in this case, by nobly sacrificing her individual expendable life to save her husband and a city full of people. Her primary storyline, like everything else, has already been decided for her.

For the Trekkies among us, this is Ellen's own Kobayashi Maru. A no-win scenario. As such, within the context of character analysis, her destination does not matter as much as the little things she does along the way; and it is no accident that, as the film progresses, the subtler, seemingly insignificant choices she makes within that framework just happen to bring her closer - and closer - to Orlok.

All of them are just innocuous enough to almost pass. She places a lock of perfumed hair in a locket that she gives to Thomas - and upon his arrival to the Carpathians, the same locket is immediately claimed by Orlok, who recognizes the scent of lilacs. Before making her sacrifice, she puts on her wedding dress and finds a bouquet of the same flowers - which is the sort of effort she didn't have to perform, especially given that he cannot resist her blood regardless. When Orlok arrives, she chooses to undress them both, and leads him to the bed, even though her previous sex scene with Thomas was entirely clothed; and in the morning, she pulls him close and holds him through the sunrise - even though he was already dying, and would not be able to escape. There was no need for her to touch his rotting flesh at that point, much less caress it.

There can be a "moral" explanation for all these actions; but the lack of direct obligation involved in them becomes increasingly blatant over the course of the story, and the doubt festers.

This sort of lingering ambiguity is precisely where gothic horror thrives - and intersects, scandalously, with romance. Gothic horror, much like bodice-ripper novels, noir thrillers, or "dark romance," builds much of its romantic intensity on the dichotomy of shame and desire. Imagine it, if you will, as a loom; warp and weft. It may even be described as literary BDSM - a continuous, mutually-agreed-upon act of roleplay between the author and their audience, and sometimes the characters themselves (though that depends). The point is to create an outlet for female, queer, or disabled sexualities, all of which are still heavily medicalized and restricted, derided, or denied entirely; and within these often intersecting genres, the violent or coercive intensity of the dominant lead (be it a vampire, a mafia don, or simply a more experienced lesbian) provides their repressed, seemingly passive counterpart an excuse to act upon their demonized erotic urges.

Between the page and the mind, everything that normally complicates a romantic or sexual encounter in the real world (subliminal hints, aggression, repressed and involuntary responses) becomes set dressing - serving to place a particular scene or dynamic within its fictional universe. The resulting Watsonian uncertainty is, naturally, part of the appeal. It is what allows the viewer/reader/listener a sincere emotional and sensual immersion; and for Ellen and Orlok, it provides an appropriately dramatic pretext for a night of tender vampire sex.

The discourse around their joining is painfully similar to the same that drifts around online every winter - in regards to the classic holiday hit, Baby it's Cold Outside. The song, written during an era in which extramarital sexuality was heavily restricted, follows a couple brainstorming excuses for the lady to stay the night; this intention was explicitly stated by both members of the original duet; but that hasn't stopped thousands of people from interpreting it as a "rape anthem." It is unsurprising, then, that an element of horror (guilt, shame, repression, coercion) muddles the water even further.

It's oddly apt, considering that the film premiered on Christmas Day.

Granted, I am not denying that there is an abusive aspect to Ellen and Orlok's connection, romantic or otherwise. However, to reduce Ellen to merely his "victim" is extremely inaccurate to her actual portrayal - because, within the framework of the film, her interactions with Orlok are the few in which she is actually able to exercise some form of agency. She never defers to him, their wedding-death hinges on her free will, as coerced as it may appear; and, in a fascinating subversion of a popular vampire trope, she is the one who summons him.

In gothic media, "Come to me!.." is invariably spoken by a vampire (or a vampire derivative like Erik, Leroux's titular Phantom of the Opera); their counterpart follows helplessly, without question; and giving these lines to Ellen is a dramatic deviation from tradition that fundamentally alters the underlying context of their power balance. By maintaining this call-and-response dynamic throughout the story, Eggers asserts that Ellen isn't helpless; and neither is she "in over her head." She is intelligent, powerful, and she has a tangible influence over Orlok, who is her only equal - which is why, ultimately, she is the one deciding where that relationship is headed.

That is not to say that any alternative readings of the film are entirely incorrect. As I have stated above, the abusive/toxic narrative is definitely present, and even essential, in gothic media. On the Doylist level, it is the equivalent of a whip, or a solid pair of cuffs - essentially, a divestment of responsibility; though, to continue the metaphor, not everyone shares the same kink - and those who do might not all enjoy it the same way, so there's definitely significant variation. What I am trying to say, however, is that each story does come with a central conflict; and Ellen Hutter's victimization - much like Jane Eyre's, like Thomasin's (The Witch, 2015) - is systemic.

She is ostracized, disrespected - infantilized if her oppressors are feeling benevolent, demonized when they are inconvenienced - and still expected to always prioritize her husband/friends/community by default, regardless of how she is treated by them. Her surrounding society, morality, religion, culture all insist upon the same; and this is why, despite knowing that she has done nothing wrong by following her nature, she carries an enormous amount of guilt in regards to those "unacceptable" aspects of herself. It is also the same reason why Orlok - the sensual, cruel, utterly devoted monster - is the answer to her lonely call; and the reason why everyone around her is so eager to see her as his victim, rather than a victim of anything they may have perpetrated themselves. Ellen's is a rich complexity, fed upon centuries' worth of gothic tradition, and she cannot be forced into a flat, genre-inappropriate simplification.

Like The Witch, like NBC Hannibal, like Interview With the Vampire before it - Nosferatu (2024) is a story of self-indulgence being so unfamiliar that it feels like a sin; or, like dying.

I, for one, would not deny her that.

[camilledlc]

I think Wade Wilson is way more intelligent than people give him credit for. Or, another character essay no one asked for :

This will be based both on comics and movies. Also, spoilers for Deadpool and Wolverine.

I think it's often said that Wade doesn't know how to read situations, as he often acts inappropriately during them. He doesn't seem to sense the mood of the person he's talking to, angering them more often than not, and he doesn't really care about watching his mouth around children, etc. There are tons of examples of Wade being 'stupid', and 'immature', blah blah blah. But I don't think that's quite true.

Wade has also numerous moments where he perfectly reads a situation. He is extremely aware of how others may perceive his scars, he figured Negasonic Teenage Warhead pretty easily during the first movie (when talking about sarcastic comments or whatever, if I remember correctly). He knows how people act and think, and he definitely knows how to assess a situation. When he got Johnny Storm killed, he knew what he was doing. He was into a dangerous situations, just having been kidnapped and he couldn't fight, not even knowing how strong and what powers Cassandra Nova had. But by turning her against Johnny, not only was he able to assess her, but also prove that he wasn't here to cause her trouble. It was a cruel and ruthless action, but it was smart nonetheless.

Besides, people often forgets very important facts about his skills. Wade is an extremely good fighter, and that's partially due to the fact that he's a master at almost every martial arts. He knows a bunch of them, and he is capable of practicing them with impeccable form. He's also a master at espionage, infiltrations, cover missions, etc. He knows how to handle a lot of different weapons, and he is canonically one of the best fighters in the entire Marvel Universe. All of those skills require a certain level of intelligence. Fighting demands to remember the different styles and techniques, as well as enough practice to switch between them easily. Espionage, infiltration, and cover missions demand someone who is capable of discretion and and ability to judge a situation, notice details that no one else would and invent on the spot creative ways to do things. All in all, he has to be extremely smart to be able to do all of that. That's also without counting the fact that he knows how to speak fluently five different languages.

With all of these proofs, it's impossible to say that Wade is dumb. But why does he acts like it?

There is no official answer as to why Wade is this way. The most you can get is that he is extremely mentally unstable. This is the result of both a bad childhood and very traumatizing experiences as a superhero. It is said he was already mentally unstable during his childhood, so I'm inclined to believe that it also has something to do with his brain in general.

What I personally believe is that Wade is someone who gets bored extremely easily. He has ADHD (not really official in the movies, but canon in the comics), and he always seems to jump from one topic to the other. His mind is often considered a mess, and he himself sometimes has trouble keeping up with it. I think that someone like him has to be stimulated at all times, because boredom is definitely the worst thing that could happen to him. Even in the last movie, he seemed to hate his job because of how boring it was, not hesitating to go back into action and becoming more and more himself again as he just do exciting things. He has always been like this, even before he got his regenerating factor. When he did his job, he wasn't always careful and often loud-mouthed. It didn't interest him to just kill people, he wanted a fight. He wanted a back and forth, a sort of game. He needs to feel in danger, needs the thrill of it.

But then he gets his mutation. Suddenly, he can't die, he can't be seriously hurt, nothing has any real consequences. And so the games became boring. What is the point of putting himself in dangerous situations if he's never really in danger? How boring it is to do a job where you're perfectly safe? The only kind of thrill he can find anymore is by having the back and forth verbally. That's when it has consequences, and people actually able to surprise him, to beat him even. Attacking by talking his is one way to not feel bored. He surprises, he shocks, he annoys, but it's always different. Even during the last movie, when he was with Logan, he clearly said they didn't need to fight, yet he couldn't stop edging him verbally, always finding ways to push his buttons.

Wade is a very bored person, with a great understanding of where the limits are. And because he's so good at finding the limits, he's even better at crossing them willingly, sometimes at the expanse of the people he loves, because he can't be bored.

(I also like the interpretation of him just needing to be at the centre of attention, but I think it's a bit more classical and has already been done and re-done. So, this one is a bit trickier and way funnier for me.)