#before anyone tells me i know tumblr isnt dying

[playingonedchess]

i have an essay i need to do for uni. sometimes after spending too long on tumblr, i think, i could literally just go around pretending im gay? how problematic do you reckon that would be? but then i might be expected to actually kiss a guy, and id have to say i just dont find them attractive. except that would never happen cause no one would find me attractive in the first place, so i could probably get away with it. do you think id get a public callout video on tiktock? although i wwouldnt see it cause ive never used tiktock so someone would have to tell me. i could print it out and tape it to my cv. then the interviwer would ask why i did it and id say i was actually gay and in denial and it was an excuse, and theyd believe me but id be lying again. and theyd feel sorry for me so theyd offer me the job even though im shit at everything and id get a ticktock and post a video about it with a link saying donate here to kill puppies and kittens and so many people would donate that id become a billionaire and richer than elon musk and id offer a bounty to anyone who managed to get elon musk to make a tiktok where he cosplays as a 2010s tumblr user but id also secretly bribe him to eat mouldy anchovies every day and then someone would missread the post and catch him in a pitfall trap full of burning oil and fire eating poisonous snakes, except that this was actually what i intended all along, and the last visdeo he made before dying will go viral and people will be cutting bits out and selling it as the new edgy currency for rich weirdos but then ill post a video starting a conspiracy that he isnt actually dead and he came back as a shapeshifting flesheating zombie and he wants to eat your eyeballs. except he really is dead, but people dont know that, and it starts a mass panic where they buy hand sanitiser cause they believe it repells zombies except this isnt true either i also made it up in the bestselling book i wrote called Hand Sanitiser Repells Zombies and its actually about how to piss the largest amount of people off online by pretending to be gay but no one bothered to read it so they dont know that. and then i admit that im actually not gay and this starts online discourse so heated itt ends up on the streets, and then i post a video saying that actually i am gay, but no one believes me and this starts even more discourse that ends in nuclear war. and this triggers the zombie apocalypse and everyone dies except for me cause they all believe that hand sanitiser repells zombies. and then i sit in my room and reflect on the fact that i still havent done my essay and im still not gay. i make a video about it and post it on tiktock and it goes viral with the zombies. the zombies are all gay now, and they also all believe they live in an anime. they decide to cancel me as the only person in the world now who isnt gay, and then when i refuse to publicly apologise they tie me to a nuclear bomb and lauch me into space. just before i explode, i make a video explaining how i just realsed, life is an anime. and its the first thing i havent lyed about since i first pretended to be gay. then i explode. then the zombies decide to ressurrect elon musk and worship him as their messiah, but their cars all explode on the way to the airport so they decide to go with margaret thatcher instead. at this point, everyone is just wondering when it will end, and the answer is never.

[can-i-make-image-descriptions]

[Image IDs: Tumblr tags. Image #1: #i love my city #i love Appalachia #i Want to be able to live here #and fuck anyone who tells me i shouldnt.

Image #2: #i bitch about texas but - ignoring the fucked weather systems and legislation - it's a really cool place #it is cheap to live here #there is no income tax #the food and cultural mixing is phenomenal #but unfortunately #a lot of politicians want me and people like me to fucking die (start all caps) #this wasn't even your house #this was Mexico #and then it was its own country #white people are guests be thankful you weren't shot on sight (end all caps) #looking at you Gregory I wish that tree had killed you.

Image #3: #I live in Utah and everyone here assumes if you're queer you want to move #I actually love my hometown all my friends and family are here I don't want to start over somewhere else #There are also a lot of supportive groups and micro communities here that need nuturing #Every day here queer kids are being told to swallow their true selves for God as of God loves them better that way #I want them to have a community here you can tell them being who they are is not a sing #like it did for me.

Image #4: #literally #I'm from sc and I love it here !! #I love my town I love my neighbors I love the natural beauty I love the way that this place feels #yes there are bad people here. yes our government sucks. but in the middle of that are people who are just people. #people who want to live here. #people who are fighting to live here and to make this place feel like home for everybody #don't pull that 'ugh The South' shit on me!! no place is a monolith and people in red states are not somehow less for living here #(looks at my parents - who themselves chose to live here and now don't understand why I don't want our family to move) #anyway I love all my fellow people from red states and I am giving you all a little smooch #we deserve to feel safe and happy and to live in the places we call home.

Image #5: #you can drag my cold dead body out of florida #i was born in the swamp and i am staying in this fucking swamp.

Image #6: #kansas is fighting so hard! i deserve to stay in my home!

Image #7: (start all caps) #just try to take me out of Appalachia #fucking try it (end all caps) #I will release my grip on rural southern queer redneck life when they throw my ashes off Mt. Mitchell and not a second before

Image #8: #I dont want to be pushed out of iowa #i want to stay here #i have family here #i know they will stay here #i know so many queer people here #leaving here sounds like breaking up with my home #i want to fight for this places and to fight for the communities that made me who i am

Image #9: #fuck everywhere else. I'm dying from a super volcano while in the woods like a man. #not that that super volcano is going to go off randomly there'd be so so so many signs please stop spreading the idea that Yellowstone could #go off at any second. it's like the most heavily monitored volcano in the world and I'm way more likely to die falling off a cliff and injur #ing my already weak ankle. #Like idk I like the nature here. I like the culture here. it's my home and yeah it's shit but it doesn't have to stay that way.

Image #10: #i like my city i like my state #it isnt perfect and you have to drive everywhere #but this is my home u know? #i dont want to move away from nebraska. its where ive always been and where i feel i belong. and it sucks here but we're making progress no matter how little. #we arent as deeply red as other states #if anything we're like a reddish purple color #but hey point is. #i like it here. #i just want to be able to live here #also if everyone moves to blue states the red states stay red.

Image #11: #Missouri here #I am on the fence about staying here #but I can't leave my family #they are a huge reason I'm alive today and it would wound me to move anywhere farther away from them

Image #12: #i live in louisiana #i love the south #i love my fellow southern queers #the way people from blue states talk about us is Why we're so suspicious of quote unquote outsiders #you all treat us like we're stupid and ignorant and hateful #without giving enough of a damn to actually know us.

Image #13 #i've lived in indiana nearly my whole live #as much as i complain about it here. bc there's a lot to complain about. i genuinely like the big city i grew up near and work in now. #I'm moving soon for different reasons but like. i genuinely like the midwest. hostile to queer people though it may be. #it's complicated! but i dont want to have to move to the coasts where its expensive as all hell and where i have no connections #just to live in a place that's a blue state.

Image #14: #hi fellow queer appalachians hi how's it going i know the answer is bad #some of the coolest bitches i know live here and are fighting the good fight #actually in a lil group myself. anyway everyone there is rad and none of us should have to leave #listen i know i said earlier i think about going to md constantly but also i shouldn't have to #WV is really cool it's beautiful we have fascinating history i love this state and i wish it didn't suck so bad #anyways fuck blue state classist libs i am fucking strangling them #"dumb hicks voted for it" google gerrymandering google voter suppression fucking talk to marginalized people in the south /End IDs]

USAmericans: This pride month, talk to the queer people who actually live in all those bad evil icky red states and find out what it's actually like, how we actually feel about it, and who here is actively fighting against it. No more telling us to "just leave" or reducing us to innocent victims who are "trapped" here. There are so many of us and we live here for so many reasons, none of which should be justified. We are resilient, we are powerful, and we are fighting against the fascist laws working to eradicate us or scare us away. Being trans in a red state right now is in and of itself an act of resistance. That being said, pay attention to the brave souls on the front lines, pushing against the laws, making good trouble, and refusing to be silenced.

I won't let myself be talked about like I'm stupid to live here.

I won't let myself be talked about like I'm a helpless victim who's trapped here.

If you can't join the fight by standing beside us, then the least you can do is empower us, amplify our voices, and pay more attention to the ones who are FIGHTING AGAINST THESE LAWS than you are to the chucklefucks trying to pass them.

[kaz11283]

Where Were You

1) Dont You Say That....Not you

31) Your Alive

10) Where Were You When I Needed You

~~~~~

Ok so this was originally an ask but I goofed and just posted the prompts. So after saving them and trying to figure out what to write for the longest I have no idea who requested this because they were anonymous (so this is for you Anon if your out there)

Characters: you x Loki

Warnings: angst, fluff at the end, Loki being a slight asshat, hurt reader

Summary: You were Lokis only good thing that had happened in his life but when the hunger to rule over the kingdom gets the best of him and he fails where does that lead you? Your one love gone to never come back.

Announcement: I have been on a much needed LOA and after coming back I have been elbows deep trying to catch up woth everything going on at work. Was the trip worth it? Yes and i had some much needed time off with the fam and the babe. Would i do it again? In a heart beat. Did I miss work? Gods no but I did miss my little tumblr family that i have. So after a good bit of relaxing and my toes in the sand i am back!

I also wanna give a shout out to @high-functioning-lokipath for reading over this MULTIPULE times while I was freaking out about what to do!

Loki Masterlist

💚💚💚💚💚💚

~~~~~

"Loki!" You ran after him as he headed to the bit frost. "Please stop! You dont have to do this! You dont have to be someone that your not!"

"See that right there is the problem everyone seems to be having lately. Maybe this is who I am. Maybe this is who I want to be. After all Lady Y/n you are the one that has always told me that i could be anything I want to be. And I want to be king of Asguard." He said turning on you.

"Loki you are smarter than this! You are just upset about finding out who you truly are." You walked up to him and placed your hand on his cheek. You seen him almost give in before snapping back out of it.

"Ah yes, a frost giant? Someone who couldnt be loved by neither the family who abandoned me or the family that took me in." He spit the words at you.

"Loki, I love you. I have always loved you. You know that better than anyone." You grabbed at his emerald green cloak pulling at it causing him to turn around to face you with a cold look. You could tell that all emotion was gone at that point. You took a step away from him.

"You might love me but I have never truly loved you. You were mearly there to keep my bed warm at night" He said stepping closer to you. With the words came a cold creeping into your chest. Pain literally tore through your heart as they slowly sunk in.

You raised your hand and slapped him as hard as you could causing his head to jerk to the side. "Dont you say that, Loki Odinson, dont you dare compair me to one of your whores."

"Get out of my way." He said grabbing you by the shoulders and shoving you to the side. You crumpled to the cold stone floor moving your hand to your stomach as you watched the man that you had loved your entire life walk out the front of the castle.

You wasnt really sure how long you sat there crying when you looked up you could see the sun barly peeking over the horizon and you stumbled to your feet and slowly made your way back to the room you and Loki had shared.

Pushing the door open you heard a sniffle and seen Thor sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. "Thor?" He jump up off the bed and ran to you pulling you into him.

"Lady Y/n! I didn't know what had happened to you. I thought.... I thought that he might have done something before....before." He pulled you away to look at your face.

"Before what Thor?" He turned away from you a tear trailing down his face. "Before what Thor?!" You yelled.

"He fell." Your heart sank, emptyness filled you with the darkest feeling you would have never thought possible. You stumbled to the nearest chair and collapsed into it barely feeling the warmth of the fire that was slowly dying out. "I looked for you after. I couldnt find you, I thought that maybe he had done something, but I knew that he would never do anything to hurt you."

"Thor, I have to tell you something that not even Loki knew." You stared directly into the flames watching as they slowly died as the sun rose higher in the sky. "I was waiting till this was all over but now I wont get a chance to tell him." You take a deep breath and look up at him. "I'm pregnant. I am going to have his baby and he isnt even here to do this with me." You placed your head in your hands and started to cry.

"We will figure this out Lady Y/N. We cannot let father know but we can tell mother and she will help us." Thor said pulling you up from the chair and rushing from the room.

~~~~

Two years later

~~~~

You sat with your daughter in the all mothers garden waiting for your husband to arrive.

"Astrid, please dont chase the cat." You called watching her almost grab its tail. The almost two year old stopped to look back at you and giggle before taking off again. She was so much like her father with her black hair and green eyes along with her always trying to cause trouble.

"Lady Y/N, your husband will be arriving soon. He asked that you meet him in the throne room, but let one of the maids take the princess back to your living quarters." One of the guards called walking into the garden.

"She is always there to greet him when he returns. What could possibly keep him from wanting her there?" You asked as your daughter ran up to you giggling.

"Dada." She cooed clinging to your leg.

"He has brought a prisoner and he doesnt think that she should be there. He hopes that you will understand, and that once everything is said and done he will be able to spend some much needed time with his family." Your heart sank at the words prisoner. Leading Astrid to one of the ladies in waiting and kissing her head you promised you would be back soon. As you walked down the halls you could swear that you heard your heart hammering. As you opened the door to the thron room your eyes locked with Thor.

"Darling! I am so glad you are home." You said throwing your arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

"I see it didnt take you long to find another prince to bed, my pet." Your blood ran cold as ice when you heard the voice from behind you. As you turned you looked at none other than Loki. Tears sprang to your eyes as you looked at him. He looked weak, thinner than you remembered almost sickly.

"I thought you died." You placed a hand over your mouth in shock.

"Seeing what has become of my once true love I wish I would have." He said looking between you and Thor.

"Loki, hold your tongue." Frigga said from across the room.

"But arent you proud mother? With me out of the way all your dreams came true it looks like." He said smirking looking back at you and Thor. You had grabbed ahold of his arm for support.

"Loki th-" The door had burst open at that point as Astrid came running to you and Thor a maid chasing behind her.

"Dada! Dada!" She threw herself into Thors arms as he picked her up.

"Hello my little love." Thor said kissing her and tickling her with his beard causing her to giggle. Loki stood observing, watching everything take place. He wasnt blind to the black hair that she had or the mischievous gint in her eye that he also had.

"Wow, stricking resemblance brother. She looks just like you." He grined looking between you and Thor.

"Loki, shut up." Thor said handing your daughter to you. "Why dont you take Astrid back to our quarters and I shall be there in a moment." He said kissing the top of your head.

"How sweet brother, a girl who simply rolls from one bed to another, and now a built in family. The girl must be about two now? How absolutly interesting."

You sat Astrid down next to Thor and walked over to the man that use to mean everything to you and stood right in front of him. "You, Loki Odinson, do not need to look, breath, or assume anything. Not towards my daughter."

"Interesting use of words dear my-" he was cut off by a sharp slap across the face.

"Come darling. Lets get you in the bath." You said opening your arms, your daughter running into them.

After you have made sure all the dirt was washed from her and she was nesseled into your bed nice and warm you sat by the fire with tears streaming down your face when Thor finally entered the room looking exhausted.

"Let me help you take your armor off. There is a warm bath for you also. Make sure the dirt is all off before climbing into bed, those are clean sheets." You stood walking over to him and undoing the straps that held his chest plate on.

"What did I do to deserve this kindness from you?" He asked placing his finger under your chin making you look up at him.

"You took me in, loved me after your brother couldnt, you have helped me raise a child that is not your but you let her call you dad. Me and my child both think the world of you Thor and honestly I couldnt imagine it without you in my life." You placed a hand on his cheek and brought him down to kiss him.

He leaned his head agintst yours and sighed. "You must go talk to my brother. He is down in the cells."

"What if I dont want to? What if I want to keep this happy little bubble that we have created?" A tear rolled down your cheek.

"If not for you or me, go talk to him for her." He said motioning over to Astrid who was snorring lightly in the middle of the bed. "I will look over her. For tonight and for always, it doesnt matter what happens tonight I will always love both you and her. And I know you will love me to but not as much as you have loved my brother." You were both crying now, you had decided two years prior that you would give this man what was left of your heart because the love of your life was gone but now? Now you were torn between the safty of being with Thor and the uncertainty of if Loki could ever love you the way he had before.

You kissed Thor on the cheek again making him promise to take a bath before going to bed causing him to laugh. "Yes I promise. Now go before I decide to keep you here with me." He handed you your dark blue cloak and shoved you out of the room.

Silently you made your ways to the dungeons under the castle not being noticed by anyone at this time of night, you pulled the hood up as not to be spotted by any of the other prisoners.

"I was wondering if you was going to make an apperance Y/N." Loki said, he was facing away from you his hands placed behind his back. "You've made quite the impression on my brother. Such a good impression that you two are married. Tell me dear is he as good as I was?" He asked turning to finally face you. You stood there shocked.

"Loki," you looked up at him. "This is not the time nor place for talk like that. I came here to ask what happened to you? I thought you had died."

"So you crawl in bed with my brother?!" He yelled hitting the shield between you and him with his fist.

"So I married your brother to save not only me but our daughter!" His jaw dropped at the admission. "Oh dont act so suprised. I know you know that she is yours. For norms sake she has your hair."

"I never thought you would admit it."

"I cant hide it Loki. Your mother is the one that came up with the plan for me to marry Thor."

"I bet father loved the fact that you were pregnant before the wedding." He said rolling his eyes.

"Odin would have killed us if he knew the secret!" You yelled, fire in your eyes. "Its not like you were around to protect us, to keep us safe. Your daughter has magic and is part Jötunn." He froze staring at you wide eyed. "Where were you Loki! Where were you when I needed you? When we needed you?" You screamed at him tears running down your face.

Neither of you had noticed Thor or Frigga talking to the guard in the shadows, neither of you had realized that the shield keeping Loki in his cell had been dropped until Loki had actually reached for you yanking you to his body. You clung to him like if you let go he would disappear all over again. You buried your face in his neck, his hair tickling your face as you felt his pulse aginst your lips for the first time in a long time. His hand was at the base of your neck as his face was buried in your hair, you felt his tears land on your cheek. He pulled back from you, both hands now on the side of your face as he wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

"I promise on all nine realms y/n I will never leave you or my daughter again. I promise that i will never leave you alone, I will always be there as I should have been in the begining of it all. You should not have had to go through alone." He leaned forward kissing you. You melted into the kiss, it had been forever since you had felt so connected with anyone like this. His lips were cool aginst yours as you both moved in perfect sync batteling for dominace over the other finally you gave into him. You pulled away slightly out of breath.

"I wasn't alone, I knew that I had a peice of you with me and i knew I wasnt alone at all. I knew you would come back. You always come back." You smiled at him.

"For you my queen, always." He said pulling you into his arms again whispering words of love.

Tag List:

@high-functioning-lokipath

@serpentargo

@drbaureid

@poetic-fiasco

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@rosaline-black

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@natandersonnla

@delightfulheartdream

[idjitlili]

Gonna need a wheel chair

Bard x reader

A request from @ifitaketwomoresteps​ 

“I noticed you haven’t wrote for bard *shocked emoji*can you write something fluffy and sweet for him?” I cant tell if this what you wanted ,i kinda went mental when i thought of a title...

summary:renting a room from bard only to come home ,to find a bunch of dwarves there,lets just say he doesnt like the looks the dwarves were giving you.

word count:1551 a/n sorry if this isnt great a request from tumblr ,it was my greatnans funeral ,and at the wake I ended up injuring my second biggest toe on a door. po tat TOE.  

Okay times were tuff in laketown,people could barely avoid to feed themselves,oh and you were worse you couldn't avoid to home yourself. You had been friends with Bard for many years,well your older brother was that how you knew him. Yeah brothers bestfriend you had developed a crush on him,but in the end he got married and had two children. You were beyond heartbroken,you bottled it all up to hide it from your brother,getting a job in laketowns only pub as a waitress.

At this point you were only a teenager ,you shoud not have fell in love with an older man,yeah. The reason you needed to work was simply you wanted your own freedom to go on adventures,and not live with your parents. Fast forward still saving ,when you hear news of Bards wife dying in childbirth ,he was a widow now. Is that what you call a guy with a dead spouse you werent sure.

In a couple of years later he comes into the pub ,starts talking to you,informs you of how he needs a babysitter for most hours in the day,due to his job. Yeah you were confused why he was telling you this,but it turns out he had spoken to your brother about it ,and he had informed Bard that you were saving to get out of the house. In which you would be happy with just a room,and this caused Bard to offer you a job as his childrens babysitter,and get payed and live with him for free.

You still on weekends worked at the pub,as those were Bards'  two days off in the week. This babysitting gig meant free home away from your parents, free food ,money ,only disadvantage was being so close to the man that didnt love you back.This carried on for a couple of years,in which you might aswell be their mother ,being the only motherly figure Tilda had ever known,the other too seem to like you but didnt warm up to you as quickly. Unknowingly to you Bard grew deep feelings for you too,but thought you would never return them as he was father to three children,what could he offer you but barrels from the elven king,Thranduil.

Your parents nagged you everytime they saw you ,asking when you would court someone,as they were scared not ever seeing you in a proper relationship. Your mother would ask if you liked Bard or how was bard oh how are your legs,can you still walk.It was horrific;in honesty.

However on this particular day you had cooked dinner when you had realised there was no more bread, so you would have to run out,telling the children not answer the door to anyone but you and Bard,as he was due back any minute. Only to your luck you had brought the bread ,heading back onlyto run into Alfrid who shamelessly tried flirting with you ,in which you told him "go brush your bloody teeth maggot" in which he did not like that ,and it ended up with you being pushed in the lake ,dropping the bread on the wood before hand.

Your outer dresses and corset pulling you done, making it hard for you swim up. The cold water over taking you ,only choice you had was to cut off the corset and outer dress with the knife located in your sock.

Alfrid laughing at you from the decking ,only to gasp when you come rushing up in just your now very see through dress thing,with shorts on underneath of course. Alfrid had began to walk away when you had pulled yourself up onto the decking grabbing a hold of him ,throwing his bloody hat in the water before punching him square in the nose. Him being a coward had almost fell over ,gasping ,kinda of crying before sprinting off like sonic in embarrassment. YOu had frowned in annoyance about your now ruined new dresses,before picking up the loaf of bread ,heading home.

You had tried to rush back without drawing to much attention the the dress ,and how awful you must look right now,you didnt want these people seeing your breasts.You had swung the door open ,loaf in one arm ,you sorta looked like the terminator,when he holds the present.

This caused a whole bunch of dwarves ,Bard and the childrens eyes to be covered to look at you wide eyed-wait why were there dwarves here. Bard had looked you up and down in shock before taking a blanket from sigrid's arms ,walking to you fast paced wrapping it around you covering you up.

"what in bloody middle earth ,caused you to run around naked?" Bard had whisper shouted at you making you flinch ever so slightly. " I went to go get bread for dinner then after Alfrid." you had whispered to Bard looking down in embarrassment ,you had hoped that he wouldnt have been home and seen so much of you. It was worse that so did a bunch of dwarves that you didnt know did too. "what did he do?OH MY-I'll kill him" he had turned literal red in anger,you had gripped his arm stopping him going past the door. "he only pushed me in the water , the dresses were pulling  me down, I had to cut them off. If anything he will leave me alone." you had smirked up proudly at Bard ,who looked at you confused.

"what did you do hm,y/n?" at this point he had pulled you into your room away from the eyes of the dwarves,some more pervy than others. "well first off so you aren't angry with me he was making a move on me again.  So I told him to brush his teeth ,and then boom im in the water so then I had to cut my NEW dresses to avoid death,then jumped out like a bloody frog and boom punch him in the face.I swear to god he started crying and ran away." he had chuckled at your emphasising gestures at the words new ,frog and boom,well those were only hand movements but he liked your description.

"he has done this before?why have you never said,I would have sorted him for you." he spoke brushing a stray strand of wet hair from your face with his rough fingers,making you lightly redden.

"yes multiple times, i'm a waitress it happens. Plus I didn't tell you because I dont expect you to protect me,its not your problem." you spoke slightly embarrassed walking to your draws pulling out a pair of trousers and shirt out,before sitting on your bed pulling the shorts off,bard would see anything because your dress was covering,pulling the trousers on. You had shrugged the blanket off standing up,going to pull the dress off,making Bard turn away.

"Its not like you havent seen me nude before. Remember when I tripped with stew and went to change and you burst in to see if I was okay or about the time when-""yeah I get it,its just not very polite to watch a women undress and not give her privacy." he spoke quietly,still facing away as you now pulled your tunic on.  In which you had turned him around ,pressing a peck of your lips to his ,before speaking "yeah ,unfortunately for me most of lake town and  a bunch of dwarves have seen pretty much everything." you began to walk away to open the door but Bard turns you to face him like you had done to him.

"I really cant tell was that kiss signifying you like me back or?" he had questioned you with his big green eyes,searching for any emotion. You had smirked up nodding ,you dont know what had given you that push to kiss him but it happened.  He had grinned widely ,following you . And with that you had walked out your room with the loaf still with you. Only for Tilda to running and jump into your  arms once you had reached the kitchen.

"DArn the bread is really squashed now." you had thought but you were happy ,you could already hear your nosy mouth asking "do you need a wheelchair,what kind of sausage is it german or- yeah lets not continue thinking about that. Anyways you end up travelling just not how you expecting ,uhh smuag the terrible. But after that you did go travelling to different kingdoms ,well you had to due to Bard being king of dale,but never less you got to see everything you wanted and you got a family with it.

[uchiharunos]

Well hello 👋

I dislike getting involved in Tumblr drama these days because this place just gets more tiring day by day and it’s been a long while since I have shifted to Twitter. However as it is, since the root of the discourse seems to be here, I thought I would give a piece of my mind here too as I have been sharing it on Twitter.

I consider myself a consumer and a minor producer. Yes, a producer because if readers/supporters can be reduced to mere consumers of “fan creators” then these so called people are the producers. It’s the only right thing to say in my opinion. That said, if people are bent on making fandom, a space where fans of an original work join and create/enjoy being together because fandom is supposed to be a place to enjoy, a getaway from reality, an escape where you make friends with people who genuinely share the same interests and enthusiasm as you and not some fucking business transaction where consumers are merely described as “people sucking off content creators” then fuck them.

While I do support the idea of leaving fan-authors reviews(I honestly LOVE getting even one review on my work) I do not support the idea of guilt tripping and shaming people to do so. As a girl who comes from a non English speaking country, I can tell you not everyone learns English and grammar from proper sources ( it’s mostly the tv shows, movies some books here and there because believe me it’s hard to even get classic best selling books here which are readily available in other countries) and the confidence to speak/write a second or third language. It doesn’t come naturally. It hard to not doubt your grammar, your use of words while communicating with a person who you don’t know personally or have never talked with one on one. It’s hard.

So no I don’t blame readers for not always leaving me reviews because I understand. Reviews for me are an added gift. A gift I don’t even think I always deserve because I do not think I am perfect, I do not think I deserve to be placed upon such a high pedestal by people who admire me because I have written some words on the internet (which I am sure have a thousand grammatical mistakes) I don’t know how anyone else takes this, but please, please know kudos/subscribe or favorite/follow means a lot too. You are NOT trash if you do those. I understand, because I have been there once too. I understand how you can have issues, I understand how you might find me intimidating, I understand my fanfiction not being you cup of coffee, I understand. I do not believe in give and take, in fact, I thank people who have even spared a little of their time to enjoy my art/edits and fanfiction. I may not know how happy my fic made you but the feeling you felt while reading my fic? That’s something important to me. Knowing something always doesn’t make it better.

Now, don’t ever feel sad that a fanfic author left fandom because that one time you didn’t review. That one time you didn’t appreciate them. No. Every creator starts off small, and I believe when they do start creating its because they need an outlet to share their love for their ship with other people. I personally write for sasusaku, and not anyone else. I love it when you enjoy, but to me, my readers are secondary to my love and need to write/draw sasusaku and to explore them in different settings/universes. So it’s a gift to me if you enjoy what I enjoy doing. THAT MEANS A LOT BELIEVE ME.

The fandom is NOT dying. Don’t take these tumblr randoms make you believe something it isn’t. Yes it is inactive on Tumblr (I think so because that’s what my mutuals on Twitter have been telling me and from what I see) but on Twitter? It’s active as ever. Not 2014 active, because lets be honest, when a series ends most people move onto different fandoms because they get different interests and it’s been roughly 6 years. That was bound to happen.

Thankfully, Sasuke Retsuden revived most of the fandom again. I would like to believe since then many people have shifted to Twitter (because I have been making lot of new friends lately haha who told me they shifted because this place sucks!) and all in all, if you know how to block those antis on Twitter, it’s a really neat place [I can say that people on Twitter have more brains than here] I would think that we are still the most active part of the Naruto fandom there, along with Japanese artists/fans. So if you are ever considering to shift there, (there’s so much more engagement for arts/fics there too) please do so?!

Also ( I forgot to add this before) but FANDOM ISNT A ONE PERSON THING. ALL OF YOU AND ME, SILENT READER OR NOT, CONTENT CREATOR OR NOT, REGARDLESS OF YOUR FANBASE/ FOLLOWER COUNT AND POPULAR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS KEEP THIS FANDOM ALIVE.

Anyways, this has to be the longest post on my tumblr that was posted by me. Lastly, I would say the thing which I have always wanted to, review from your heart, review something that actually made you feel and support only if you want to. Everyone is in a bad place somehow,not everyone’s life is all sunshine and rainbows. Don’t review because you would be shamed if you didn’t do so, not because your conscience would keep nagging you how bad of a person you are if you didn’t leave a review. It’s not the pity I need, it’s the love I would prefer. Always remember kudos/likes are enough too.❤️

[sirloozelite]

dont you think you are overeacting just a bit over this febuwhump stuff? i mean... going on strike is a bit pathetic isnt it? if you dont like the fact that some tumblr users or fanfic writers write whump, just leave or block them. simple as that. dont pester other writers telling them what they can and cant write just because you dont like it.

Anon, 

Perhaps, to some, if not many of you, I am overreacting. Perhaps I am being pathetic and worthless in your eyes, but you know what... 

I don’t care!

I’ve never held it a secret from people that I suffer from depression, something that has at times bordered on suicidal. I get up practically every day and have to convince myself to get going. To convince myself that I have worth and a purpose, and that I’m not just selfishly consuming oxygen that would be better suited for someone else! In the state that I am, it is very easy to get upset, even at the slightest thing. 

To see one of the few hobbies that makes me feel happy and that I enjoy embroiled in yet another months worth of despair and depression is not healthy for me. Doubly so considering what the world is currently going through right now with the Covid crisis. Thousands of people are dying every day, and yet rather than try to bring some happiness back to our bleak world, people have decided to have a month of despair and sadness in fanfic! It strikes me as awful bad timing and rather insensitive honestly, but what do I know!

That said, as I stated in my previous message, I will not stop anyone from participating in this event. It is in their right to write what they want. It’s their account after all. However, that does not mean I have to enjoy it, or read it. 

I have already taken steps to ensure anything from this month of whump does not show up on my blogs dashboard, and will not hesitate to block or unfollow anyone who tries to pester me about it, or tries to sneak through the filters. Likewise if I see someone I frequently follow doing nothing but post whump, they too might end up unfollowed for the duration of the month! As selfish and cruel as this sounds, I am doing this for my own good. If I can’t see your work, then I don’t get a depression spike, simple as that. It’s nothing against the person in general, and there is a good chance that I will resume following anyone I unfollow once the month is over. 

I also routinely filter my fanfic searches to ensure such things do not come up. Again, as selfish as it seems, I am doing this for my own good. 

To make things crystal clear. I am not pestering other writers. If I was, I would have commented on all of the whump so far telling people to ‘go to hell’ or some other variation. Instead, I chose to take myself off of the internet for the month, so that you lot can do your thing whilst I preserve my mental state from harm. 

If you don’t like or agree with my opinion, that is fine. I’m not here to change yours, I am merely defending my own. Just as you tell me anon to block or unfollow anyone who upsets me, I say the same to you. If you don’t like my comments, there is nothing stopping you from unfollowing me or blocking me. You have the right to do so, just as you have the right to participate in this month’s event. 

And just as I have a right to voice my displeasure at this whump event. I might not agree with it. In fact I hate the event with a passion and think it’s piss poor timing all things considered. But, I am not stopping anyone from participating in it, nor will I hold it against them. What I am doing is for my own personal benefit, not to take petty revenge on anyone else. 

All in all anon, I am so very sorry for being selfish enough to look after my own mental health before anyone else. 

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[sincerelymarinette]

A Recorded Life (17/50) - Miraculous Ladybug

Words: 1841 Chapter Summary: Chat Noir and Ladybug watch the video Chat got to be in, and he is excited out of his mind! Following that, Marinette gives Alya a fun gift for their friendship anniversary- does she regret it? Even if she does, her fans will still freak out over the gift. Author's Note: i LOVE writing the comments on Mari's videos. they're so much fun to just fangirl and i live for it. also i went from having no pre written parts to like 5 so yall better be ready some shiz is about to start

Prev / Next / Masterlist

Alya Made Us Do It...Reading Fanfiction

---

Ladybug walked the rooftops as she waited for Chat Noir to appear. She knew he would, he was so excited about the video, and she knew he wanted her to see it.

It was only a few minutes of Ladybug walking around until she heard Chat Noir land behind her. "Ladybug! She posted the video!" He called out to her.

"Why else would I be out here? I want to see it," Ladybug replied.

"Perfect," Chat Noir nodded to the bag around his shoulder. "I brought a screen a little bigger than your yo-yo," He chuckled.

The two found a secluded spot so they could sit and watch the video, and Chat Noir was buzzing with excitement. He was grateful that Marinette decided to upload the video, despite all the people that would ship them together. He, as Adrien, knew she was unsure of posting it, and he was glad he could convince her to go through with it.

He pulled his computer out of the bag and quickly pulled up the video. "Hey! I'm Marinette!" The video started, a big smile on Chat's face. Marinette had already seen this video a hundred times through editing, but it was a whole different experience hearing Chat Noir talk about everything that went on and pause the video every few seconds.

Marinette had yet to look at many of the comments, since she had only posted it a few minutes before, but she was sure it was already flooded. She saw the few before she transformed, but she was sure more were produced by the second.

She was excited that Chat Noir was so happy with the video and she knew he would be talking to her about it for the next month.

---

Directly following Alya's birthday was her's and Marinette's friendship anniversary. They had a nice dinner together and watched all the movies they could get in on a school night, bringing it back to the times before life got crazy.

But now, a day after, it was the real-time for Marinette to give Alya her present. She told Alya a few weeks ago she could choose a video topic for them, and she was not going to veto it. Marinette got her a real gift as well, but this was a bonus. She regretted it immediately when she saw Alya's sinister smile.

For some reason, Adrien and Nino were also there for the video. This only worried Marinette more about what Alya picked to do.

"Hi! I'm Marinette!" She greeted the camera as her three friends sat around her. "And I have no clue what we are doing today. For our friendship anniversary, I let her choose a video, and I had to go through with it. All I know is that she has a sinister look, a bulky folder, and Nino and Adrien are here," She said as the boys waved and turned to Alya. "Would you care to explain?"

Alya rubbed her hands together and held the folder against her chest. "I've seen a lot of YouTuber's do this, and I have been dying to get you to do it, but I knew you would never agree," She set up the scene. "I love your fanbase; everyone is great. I scoured the internet for the best things for this video, and have selected five. We are reading fanfiction about us," Alya declared.

"What?" Marinette screamed as Adrien and Nino started giggling in the background.

"Trust me, boys, neither of you are safe," Alya confirmed to them. "And Nino, just because we're together doesn't mean you get it easy. There is only one Alya 'x' Nino, and it's in the background of an Adrienette story," Alya winked, then turned back to the camera. "Yes, I have read these to make sure they are suitable. And yes, I have a secret Marinette fan account."

Marinette sat in embarrassment with her head in her hands, not sure how this whole event would go. Alya opened the folder and passed around scripts. "We'll start easy," She said, and on the top of the paper, it read ALYANETTE. "The only ship in this is Marinette and me; you guys are just extra characters."

Nino sat back in his chair. "Oh, thank god."

"Just wait, Nino," Alya joked to her boyfriend. Adrien was quiet, not sure how to react to this whole situation. He was surprised Marinette was actually letting Alya go through with this.

"Let's just get this over with," Marinette said as she tried to hide her beet-red face. "Who's narrating?"

Adrien looked up. "I can," He volunteered. And with that, the story began.

Marinette felt like she was having an out of body experience reading the lines and acting out with her friends. She had ideas of what Alya could have chosen, but nothing prepared her for all that was to come. The one between her and Alya was adorable, and she wasn't too nervous, but it was when she brought out the one with ADRIENETTE written on the top. Marinette had mainly got over her crush on Adrien since they are such good friends now, but the butterflies in her stomach proved different.

Alya started narrating as the scene was being set up and she could tell they were getting nervous to read their parts. Luckily, it started out with Nino and Alya talking about getting the two together, so it gave them some time to prepare mentally. Alya was eating this up, because she would do this exact thing in the story if she could. Marinette knows her plans and can stop her before she even starts, trying to prove she doesn't like Adrien like that anymore.

Between the tomato colored faces and slight stuttering, Alya was sure this was going to cause never-ending stories about them, and she was perfectly happy with that. She did, however, let them finish the story a little earlier because it was becoming a bit much. "I'll let you guys off the hook this time, but that's become I'm about to pull out the big guns!" She pulled out her next story, with a big MARICHAT written on the top. "Of course, I will be playing the role of Chat Noir. I have figured out the Ladybug and Chat Noir fanfiction writers have come up with how they are outside of costume. And for some reason, they believe Chat Noir's name is Felix. So, I will be portraying Felix Noir," Alya winked at Marinette.

Adrien felt a sigh of relief wash over him when Alya said she would be reading for Chat Noir. Sure, she had no reason to make him read for Chat, but it was still freaking him out with the possibility. He's pretty sure he blacked out while that whole story was being read.

The team suffered through Alya's evil plans as they finished reading the stories. The second Adrienette story was more fluff, and it seemed like it was an all-around friends story, it didn't hit too much romance, which was a nice break. The last story came out of nowhere: A Nino and Marinette story. Some people really liked the idea that they've known each other the longest in the group and would write about that. There were only a few, but all of them were adorable. It was probably the most fun for the group to read.

"And...that was my last one," Alya announced and let the group breath. "For now. If the people like this though, maybe we'll do one of those Tumblr things where we look up our names and ships to see what people post! Right, Marinette?" She pleaded, making puppy-dog eyes.

Marinette sighed loudly. "If it's what the people want," She gave in. "Make sure to leave a comment if you'd like us to do something like this again in the future. And don't forget to like and subscribe for more! You can check out all our social media with the links on our faces, or all of our information in the description. Thank you guys for watching, and this was a lesson never to give Alya control over a video again!" Marinette ended, getting up to shut off the camera.

Switching back into French mode, she grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. "NEVER LET ALYA CONTROL THINGS AGAIN!"

"But it was so much fun!" Alya argued, also back in French.

"Interesting is the word," Adrien said.

Nino sat there, staring as he waited for this whole day to be over. He was scarred.

---

ALYA KNOWS WHAT WE WANT AND WE WANT FANFICTION i need them on tumblr next

i literally ship all of these this was the best video i have ever watched thank you Alya you are a god

im still stuck on the fact that Alya says she has a fan account for Marinette. She's among us. you can't trust anyone!!!

I have a feeling Marinette knows Chat Noir's true identity. When Alya starts talking about the fandom's names for them, she tensed up when she talked about Felix. Is this a hint that his name is actually felix? Or confirmation that it isnt? Either way, she knows

So marinette when are you gonna tell us you and chat noir are a thing

mariNETTE DO YOU KNOW WHO CHAT NOIR IS? ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?

i would literally do anything for her to tell us she knows who chat is and/or confirm the rumors of their relationship

You aren't even trying to hide it anymore that you and chat noir are dating, are you? First, the video with him. You always defend him to the end. Then we get some pictures of chat leaving your balcony. Now we get you reading a fanfic of you and him. give up the secret already!

Me: I love adrienette and would die for them You: *indirectly makes it clear that you and chat noir are dating* Me: I love adreinette and would die for them

To all you people saying marichat is a thing, don't you realize they only read one marichat fic but TWO adrienette fics? If anything, adrienette is more likely. that or alya is just pushing them lol

marinette please confirm or deny your relationship status. it's tearing the fandom apart with all the debates. please. also, the fandom is exploding bc people think you know who chat noir is. please confirm or deny before we all split!!!

Marinette sat back in shock as she read the sea of comments on the fanfiction video. Where was all of this coming from? What did she do to imply she knows Chat Noir under the mask, let alone make her fans think they are dating? She was freaking out, and as much as Tikki tried to calm her down, nothing was working. She needed to talk to someone, and knew Alya was stressed about school and probably sleeping. Scrolling back up past her name, she clicked the second "A" contact in her list. She just needed someone to talk to.

---

@lady-of-the-roses-and-lilies @bookishserendipity03 @avatheexceed @gkz10 @coccinellegirl @kat-thatoneweirdo @strawberryblondish @snow-swordswoman @lilgaga98 @evufries

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[aharris00britney]

                                                                                                                                ASKS 14

Ok so 24 hours after I planned to do this but... last time I answered stuff was January(5 months ago). There is a lot under the cut ;n; sims, nonsims, other games, all kinds of stuff ya know

Anonymous said: Hi! Wcif the shirt you used on your Belle hair post? (Btw, that hair is GORGEOUS.)

I have the cc I use in my previews linked on Patreon. Makeup/skin and all that will be on my resource page once I get around to updating it for my 2 new models (who will be up for download soon hopefully). Also ty <3

Anonymous said: What make-up do you use for most of your posts?

The only eyeshadows I use are by @crypticsim or @catplnt. The makeup I use on Macie/Taylor are listed on my resource page. The other two models makeup will be added once I get them added on there but I know they both use similar stuff to Macie/Taylor.

@thatsimmergirl91​ said: Just wanted to take a moment out and say how amazing you are ! I love all your stuff and your blog. Never forget how awesome you are 💗💗💗💗🙌🏻🙌🏻

Thank you so much. Like I know I am going to be typing a lot of thank yous in this post, but I truly mean them. Playing Sims/Making cc is something I did not think would be such a big thing in my life but god is it and I love doing it. Thank you again <3

Anonymous said: You're incredible and I love all your hairs! In fact, you're my favorite cc hair creator. My question is are you planning on making any hairs with the Island Living meshes anytime soon?

Thank you! I am glad you enjoy my hairs <3 I am planning some stuff with the island living meshes. Probably just a conversion to toddlers if I am able and I might do something simple with the adult meshes to release outside of my Patreon stuff. We shall see though! Ty again

@ayoshi​ said: When are you opening an Onlyfans?

idk babe when are you posting your birthmarks? ;)

Anonymous said: Heya! Love your cc! You're real talented

thank you! <3 It isn’t so much talent, more or less just a lot of practice and time. I appreciate the compliment though

Anonymous said: any tips to get high quality sims screenshots??

I have 2 methods I use. When I am taking CC previews I rotate my screen using Ctrl + Alt + the ◄ key. For my lookbooks/upcoming Sim downloads I use a method by foursims who deactivated?? This is the method/video <3

@verdeclaroangels​ said: What skin do you use??💕PS i love u

I use @luumia​ newest vanilla default, alongside his Smooth Butts overlay, and my own fruitpunch overlay. All are linked over on my resource page <3

@vhlori​ said: Austin queen of pop!

q king of edits! <3

Anonymous said: i love your creations and i appreciate the time you put into your cc, i wish i could support you 💕

Thank you!! Sometimes the time crunches can be stressful but I put them on myself so I survive haha. Don’t feel the need to support me please <3 I make sure everything is public eventually so that people dont feel like they are missing out on anything by deciding not to pledge. Thank you for wanting to though, I appreciate that a ton.

Anonymous said: Just a rant here. I'm annoyed that there are no rings in the glove category or some other category. The reason I want this is because I use eyelashes that are in the skin detail section and rings don't work and I don't want to use the accessory eyelashes because my sim wears glasses. It annoys me but that's all.

i... rant away luv i feel u

Anonymous said: What do you do besides sims? That is all you post about and I was curious if that is all you play?

I play Roblox with @ayoshi sometimes, cause that is about all my computer can handle lmao. I have a switch so I play some Nintendo titles on there like Zelda, Splatoon 2, and other stuff. I also have been plying Fortnite recently with @imvikai @greenllamas and @pinealexple. That is about all I play right now lmao. I play Animal Crossing Pocket Camp and Pokemon Go on my phone.

Anonymous said: Hi there ! Just wanted to say I've also been experiencing that problem with your 'downloads' page. I don't have a Tumblr account so I had to tell you this way. Perhaps it's a MacBook issue ? I'm not sure, but I'm using a MacBook Pro. Anyways, thank you for all the beautiful cc you provide us with, you're the best.

Yeah I got another ask about them using a Mac for it. That seems to be the problem. I am not a coder, nor do I know a single thing about coding. All I can suggest doing is going to http://aharris00britney.tumblr.com/tagged/s4cc and using that which sucks to page through I know :( I am sorry

Anonymous said: This is really random, but I love your Sims! I normally don't like Sims with Clay hair, but GIRL, you make them work. Just want to say to keep it up, and if I had money I would support you <3

Thank you lmao <3 stan clay hairs

Anonymous said: Literally im in this sims discord nd they were DRAGGING how you make the same sim in different skin colors and how you make such cookie cutter sims and honestly i felt bad

Meanwhile me in CAS:

Anonymous said: This may be a strange request but what does that one alien toddler you've used on multiple occasions to model hair look like when he's older?

He uuh... idk where they are in my library tbh I can’t find them cause I was going to age him up and show ya but.. yeah idk what happened RIP alien toddler

@amorimlulu said: Hi! I love your creations, they're incredible! I'm completely in love with two of your sims: the asian woman from the patreon 06-16 post and the woman from the ava hair post. Could you, pretty please, upload them on the gallery? I'm dying to play with them. Thank you ^^

I am planning to in the next month! I have the photos taken I just need to get the CC list together and plan it around Island Living posts, CC posts, all that jazzzzzz

Anonymous said: Hello Austin! I really like the way your sims look, so I was wondering if you can tell me where to get the skins and lashes, please? I am new to the Sims 4 and searching for some cute looks :)

Hey! I have this stuff listed on my resource page, and I have over 100 WCIF’s I have answered along with my lookbooks for some clothes. My cc finds blog is @aharris00finds​ if you want to look there :D

Anonymous said: can i just ask? how do you remove the shadows on hair with S4S? im a complete noob at s4s and i was wondering how you would do it?

You just need to click shadow, then make blank :) pic below

Anonymous said: Hi, just a quick message to say THANK YOU for all those beautiful creations. You are so talented and I want you to know that. Thank you so much for making my sims look way more beautiful !

thank you so much <3 I have said it before and idk if anyone will be able to convince me, but I am not talented lmao it just is experience :)

Anonymous said: hey, could u pls make a tutorial abt how u make ur mesh?? i love ur hair meshes so much

I have tried filming a tutorial before and I will just have to wait til I get a good mic lmao. My speed meshing videos are somewhat useful for learning but they are sped up and without instructions so take it with a grain of salt

Anonymous said: would you ever try to recreate lydia martins hair in 3.04? sorry, but you're the only teen wolf fan thats a simblr that i know and i desperately need that lovely hair in my game. thanks!         

tbh I never finished Teen Wolf XD I stopped at the end of season 5 I think. Idk I just lost interest as I grew up :(  Also I have no idea what hair that is sdfgfvb and google isnt telling me either. If you can send a link to a picture or DM me a picture I can see if I can make it <3

Anonymous said: Hi, could you please please upload this sim post/183989453251/e41 ! She's just too pretty

Anonymous said: please upload this sim from your post/183989453251/e41 for download? Thanks   

Idk if I still have her saved but if I do I might upload her. I will check and see later tonight lmao                    

Anonymous said: Is there any way to put everything you make into a .zip file. I really like what you make and I wish there was a way to mass download it. It sounds dumb but really I enjoy your content

Tbh since I post hairs 3 times a month it would be hard for me to keep everything up to date. I might do something like all my CC from 2017 in one zip, and all my cc from 2018 in another? and then make one for 2019 at the end of the year. I’m not sure though.

Anonymous said: Wheres the hair in yo profile pic? And will you upload that sim? AND can you make more clothes ur amazing at it!!! (Also, asking 4 my bff <3 r u boy or girl?)

the hair in my current profile pic is Maddie Hair, the sim is already for download, and I will have some clothes coming next month :) I am a boy :P

Anonymous said: hello! is the model sim in your eve hair valentines special downloadable? I find her really pretty. I really enjoy all of your cc!! I love all of them soooo much.. :)

I will check if I saved her to my library, if so I will add it to the list of stuff I wanna try and do <3 also thank you

Anonymous said: Hey! Love your hairs! Can I request a Riley hair without the hairclip?

the riley hair doesn’t have a clip so I am going to assume you mean the Peyton hair since it was released in the same month. It wouldn’t really be possible to do Peyton without the clip since it has a part of the hair going up into the clip. Without it there would be a hole and if the hole was filled in it would still look weird since the hair would be going up into nothing. I’m sorry <3

@lacr1mation23​ said: Kinda not a question. But, i'm gonna fangirl all over you. You ROCK!!! I LOVE your CCs. BEST. HAIRS. EVAR.   Impressed like woah from Florida. 

thank you so much ;n; this made me smile lmao I appreciate stuff like this a ton

Anonymous said: Hey I think there's something wrong w/ your Lydia hair.. could u fix it?

I’m not sure what the glitch is, so if you could send me a photo or an explanation of what it is then I could help.

Anonymous said: I'm sorry you're having a bad day! I want to let you know your CC is lovely and I hope you have a better day tomorrow! Lots of love and if you like chocolate then I'm sending you plenty of virtual chocolate to help you feel better!

lmao idk what ‘bad day�� I was happening when this was sent but thank you!! I had a rough semester but I am doing a lot better now I think :)

@simsloverlilian​ said: Hi lol I just think this is really funny, my friend asked me where do you get your cc? and I was like: "oh.. ahoob's WCIF place xDDDDDD" and we both died laughing.. at your place you can get amazing hairs, accs, shirts! (lol love your cc keep it up! ;))

thank you so much! I love that yall use my blog for finding cc :)

@raha-plays-the-sims​ said: Okay... I actually want to take a screenshot of my Sim with your new Riley hair on to my hair dresser and tell her to cut my hair that way XD I love it so much! Thank you for continuing to make amazing content!

lmao i have wanted to do this before with a male hair i found for my game. I never went through with it though XD thank you for the compliment <3

Anonymous said: Everyone!!! Stan LOONA for clear skin and good health...

stan red velvet and WJSN

Anonymous said: I just want to say that "EVERYTHING" about your blog/cc/sims is absolutely immaculate. Your CC is like renaissance to Sims 4 modding(I ain't even kidding).Thank you for sharing/uploading them here on tumblr.  Would you be uploading any video on how you create your sims on youtube anytime soon? And what sliders do you usually use in creating sims if there are some?

thank you so much!!! I have tried recording my game before and the footage just comes out super lag. Hopefully later this year I will be able to get a computer and I could record something then. Also I don’t use any sliders or presets on my main Sims :)

@lllac-lady786​ said: This isn’t a question, but your sims are just so pretty and you are so talented 🤩

thank you <3

Anonymous said: Did something happen to your Lydia hair?

I don’t think so? It seems to be fine for me

Anonymous said: How are you able to edit the new game pack when sims4studio hasn't been updated yet? I am itching to edit some stuff but I can't yet :(

I use CAS Tools! I might make a tutorial this week depending on how busy I am. Not sure though <3

Anonymous said: How likely would you be to recommend the new pack to another simmer out of 10?

(this was sent during Strangerville) I would say 8/10 recommendation. But I love storylines and stuff in games so my opinion is very based on that.

Anonymous said: Would you ever make male hair or recolour some of ea's so they work with your ombre accessory?

I am thinking of doing some ombre accessories for the new Island Living pack for the two ombre hairs. I am not sure if I will be able to or not but I will see :)

@milugameplay​ said: Hello sweetheart, I just like to say that I love the hairs that you create. Thank you for sharing them with us.            

thank you <3 i appreciate the compliment

Anonymous said:Hi! When you uploaded peach earrings, the blonde sim had a braided hairstyle. Was it cc or a maxis one?     

hey! It is from outdoor retreat GP :)     

Anonymous said: Have nothing to ask. Just want to tell you that you are amazingly talented. ❤ I have been playing the sims since its original Sims 1 release, and have always been a heavy CC user. (Upwards of 50GB in sims 3). Never have I ever felt the need to download EVERYTHING a creator has ever made, until I found you.  So, in short, you are amazeballs. Keep it up.

this is so sweet lmao. Even I don’t have all my own CC in my game <3 I appreciate this so so much. Thank you for this

Anonymous said: How did you learn to create custom content??Did you see any video tutorial? I'm trying to create a hair but I can not get it :(((( help me please

most of the stuff I have learned from trial and error, or help from S4S fourms and friends :) Feel free to message me with questions on tumblr or discord

Anonymous said: I know Sims 5 is still so far away, but I still have a question! With the release of Sims 4 so many awesome creators for Sims 3 just stopped creating from one day to another. So my question is: Could you imagine yourself creating Custom Content for Sims 5? I'm asking because I seriously love every single piece you create for Sims 4, and I really wish the glory era of Ah00b won't end with the release of Sims 5. Ily! <3

it depends on the style that TS5 goes for tbh. I love Sims 4 style and I don’t know much of anything about creating alpha hairs so if TS5 goes that direction I doubt I would be able to create for it. also thank you for calling it the glory era of ah00b lmao

Anonymous said: You have hairs named after all the girls in black pink except Rosé. Is there a reason for this?

Well I named a hair Rosanne thinking it was close enough to her name lmao. I might name a hair coming in July Rosie. We shall see when it gets to July XD

[yangingaround]

one thing that annoys me is people going but team rwby are traumatizied when the same thing could be said about ozpin ozpin was a like an old war vet who had ptsd and trauma . ozpin had every right to keep secrets I am sick of people trying to paint ozpin as a bad person or manipulative because he kept some secrets which needed to be kept secret due to many betrayals and if they go out it will only help salem like the relic if info is leaked to salem it will help her. ( lionheart 1/2

“Anonymous said to yangingaround:

was his friend and he just betrayed him to salem a short time ago and he has been betrayed many times in the past so why should he immediately trust team rwby who he doesnt know as well ( and given how they reacted to salem being immortal saying it was pointless it shows ozpin was right in keeping salems immortality a secret   the entire reason they kept salem a secret was to prevent the loss of morale ,feeling it was pointless etc  )(not to mention yangs hypocrisy 2/2

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

I am sick of the whole oz kept secrets so we cant trust anything he says ignoring that team rwby have kept secrets and told lies many times and they like to pretend its different when its not . ozpin isnt at fault for summers death her dying on a mission is not oz’s fault . ( oz protected humanity  this attempt to paint oz as a manipulator or like dumbledore   or taking away peoples choices ( check itsclydebitches tumblr she made a post on that )  is bs ( and salem always blames other people ½

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

for her actions like going the deaths of the people who fought against her are somehow oz’s fault  or claiming ozpin is a coward for going away after just seeing the worst moments of his life and his friends turning on him and what qrow did to him  he was stressed out  and needed to go back inside  giving qrow what he wanted   he was crying and the claim that this was cowardice is utter nonsense he needed to escape from the abuse  so he left the only way he could  2/2

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

also the claim that ozpin never tried to unite humanity is complete and utter bullshit his entire plan was to unite humanity and by rwby v1 he was close to achieving that goal  the closest he had ever been ( ozpin was the king of vale)

—

okay, briefly coming out of semi-retirement on here because this just dropped in

this was kinda the wrong blog to send this to, because none of the mods are on Oz’s side

but let’s start from the top:

Oz had no right to keep secrets when those secrets were endangering lives (keeping the fact that the relics attract Grimm put hundreds of innocent civilians in danger for no reason because the heroes weren’t prepared), and he was purposely leading the heroes to on a pointless suicide mission rather than be straight with them that he had no plan

on top of that, he’s millennia old, so the fact that he can’t get over his thousand year old hurt feelings is literally not anyone else’s fault but his own, and he’s endangering lives over it - he’s had multiple lifetimes to get over it, and it’s made clear from Jinn’s description of things that for the most part he just moped and did nothing

second, Ozpin is manipulative, we see that in how he interacts with Pyrrha, coercing her into becoming the Fall Maiden by taking advantage of her nature and ensuring it by presenting it as an ultimatum - “become the Fall Maiden or the bad guys win” isn’t a choice, no matter how many times Qrow and Ozpin insist otherwise

it’s not just the keeping secrets thing, though that is part of it (oh, and FYI, his claim that he only keeps secrets and lies because he’s been betrayed in the past? was a lie, the first thing he did when meeting Salem again after reincarnating was lie to her, and he had far less sympathetic reasons to lie to her than she did to him - she was afraid of being judged by the one good thing her life ever had, he was lying to her because the God of Light told him she couldn’t be trusted. and we have confirmation from the writers that the gods are heavily based on Greek mythology, and those gods were assholes), he’s manipulative for far more than that

(oh and maybe Lionheart betrayed Ozpin…. because Ozpin lied about the mission… and Lionheart got scared because he couldn’t trust Ozpin… wild concept but maybe Ozpin is the mastermind behind his own destruction)

and no, Ozpin wasn’t right to keep it secret, because they still found morale after that initial despair, but here’s the thing, if they’d known from the start, shit wouldn’t have hit the fan that hard - knowing how bad things are from the start is a lot better than thinking you’re in a better position than you really are; because when that truth comes out it’s a lot further to fall

Ozpin demands trust but never reciprocates and then acts hurt when he’s inevitably betrayed over it, that’s his fault, no one elses

and funny you should mention Yang’s ‘hypocrisy’ because that’s a brilliant sticking point that would have entirely made your argument if it wasn’t top of the line, absolute Grade A horseshit

Yang keeping a single secret about Raven over a very personal issue when that secret no longer has any value to the rest of the group (they already have the Relic and the Vault is already dead, the Spring Maiden no longer holds any value to Ozpin as Relic’s already out and Salem doesn’t have much reason to pursue Spring knowing that the Relic is out of the box) is not the same thing as Ozpin lying to the group by keeping information from them that could get them killed. so show me where the hypocrisy lies here because i’m not seeing it. acting like one small, harmless act is comparable to thousands of constant lies

when RWBY keep secrets, it’s because they have to, they never do it simply because and have never done anything to intentionally endanger lives while Ozpin does it without a thought

oh and here’s a shocker, by being the person sending Summer on mission, Ozpin was knowingly endangering her, so yes, he actually does hold some responsibility for her death - that’s how the chain of command works

and ‘Oz protected humanity’, interesting. did he? let’s see what Jinn has to say:

“Thus began a long and painful cycle of death and rebirth for Ozma.Some lives were spent in mourning, many were spent attempting to forget it all.”

yeah, sounds like to me, he spent most of his time running away from the problem, so his current behaviour is on brand, at least (also this scene reveals that he lied about the whole “i merge with the next guy i reincarnate into” thing because it’s made clear that until very recently he just suppressed them; and drank at least a couple to death, so add everyone he’s ever possessed to his body count - and the people he jumps into don’t have a choice but to get involved because he can take over whenever he likes)

and i’ve already addressed that he did take away people’s choices, because he doesn’t give them choices, don’t tell me to read someone else’s post and not argue the point yourself, i pay attention to the show, okay? i can understand what’s happening in it - Pyrrha, ultimatum. the rest of the gang after Yang and Weiss arrive, ultimatum (by not so subtly hinting at Raven’s cowardice as a negative quality they should shy away from). all the people he’s ever possessed, only recently did they even get autonomy and that’s only because he lets them have that. every student who has ever attended the four main combat academies - the entire premise of the schools is a false pretense. it’s not to train warriors to protect the world (hell, the very concept of Huntsmen and Huntresses being the sole defenders of the world is almost propaganda in quality because they’ve only been around for less than a century - humanity got on just fine without them before that), it’s so there’s an ever-rotating array of meatshields to protect his god-summoning paperweights. which puts the deaths of the likes of Gretchen Rainart on him too (as well as the fact that as Headmaster he has a duty of care and he tries brushing those deaths off like “they made their choice” which is a disturbing detachment from responsibility)

and yes, Ozpin is a coward for running away, because this is his fault, and he decides to hide himself away than deal with the consequences of his actions - he’s not a child, he’s not some scared little boy who needs his mommy to hold his hand - he is a millennia old asshole who is very much responsible for the mess everyone is in right now, or did you miss the part where Salem was peacefully holing herself away where no one could bother her? or that he was the only good thing in her life and by stabbing her in the back first by running away with the kids instead of talking to his wife when she got a liittle too edgy (which, by the way, wasn’t even her fault because the only reason she was like that by that point was because she’d tried to kill herself and didn’t know this result was a possibility, and that’s one slip after a near decade of happy marriage) and taking the first hope she’d had in so long away; of course she’d snap

that’s what Ozpin does, he builds people up on lies so they don’t know how far the drop really is - just because his goal is ostensibly noble doesn’t mean he is, especially when his actions are anything but

“needed to escape the abuse” holy shit. okay, this is a joke right? it’s a joke?

being called out on your bullshit is not abuse. people getting angry at you because you lied to them, manipulated them and were planning on letting them die for a cause that you know to be pointless is. not. abuse.

i don’t care if he was crying, that doesn’t mean anything - “oh look at the poor sad millennia old wizard, he’s upset that people are angry at him for the blood on his hands which he has no problem sticking his hands back into”

and i wouldn’t call what Oz did in the Great War ‘uniting’ humanity. considering what that amounted to was forcing the other reining monarchs to kneel to him after he beat them up (as well as the Queen of Vacuo, who was his ally), dismantled their power structures to replace it with the council system (and destroying any remaining semblance of real governance that Vacuo had, leaving it a chaotic hell-pit wasteland) and built the schools (which were meant to not answer to any of the Kingdoms) as a front so he could stay in power and control across reincarnations

yeah, some unity - all that demonstrates was that he never really had a problem with the “beat people up to make them do what you want” plan he and Salem had the first time

Ozpin is a very old, very pathetic coward - he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he repeats them over and over again then acts like it’s someone else’s fault. he refuses to trust people yet gets angry when they refuse to trust him, he lies to people constantly but tries to dodge out of it than take responsibility, when his secrets endanger the lives of others, instead of acting like a fucking adult and facing the consequences for his actions, for the god knows how many lives he has damaged, ruined, destroyed, how he willingly endangers lives rather than tell the truth for no good reason, he runs away and leaves everyone else to pick up his mess

he’s a coward and RWBY and the others have every right to call him on his bullshit. they’re a lot younger than him, they have more room for mistakes and growth

he’s had literally all the time in the world to be a better person, and all he’s become is a lying, weaselly coward

-Mod S

also, read the rules:

[wabutan]

before tumblr gets deleted anyone wanna send me thumb pics 😜💦

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

[mieczyhale]

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post::  #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op 

my tags on this post::   #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them 

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings 

my tags on this post::   #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories. 

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them   

[abstracttheworld]

they dont use tumblr really so i should be okay to vent here.

im really not okay. for the first time in YEARS and technically EVER i met someone and felt legit real like. THINGS. Good things, the goddamn best things. I was happy, like stupidly giddy excitably heart a flutter happy.

and obviously by this dramatic preface-it all came crashing down.

i kind of knew? that something was wrong. they seemed distant, didnt respond the same way that they used to before we met. something felt wrong and i just tried to ignore it. chock it up to insecurity and anxiety. turns out my anxiety was right. they didn’t feel the same way.

i don’t blame them like at all? I’m not angry. I’m just heartbroken. It felt way too soon to have the tip of the word love on my tongue but thar she blew, and i kept batting it away because it was too much too soon. i guess it doesnt matter now.

i chose a really bad night to not take my meds.

tldr: they said they just dont feel the romantic spark like they thought they would. That they aren’t as pan as they thought and seem to just not like women like they expected to. their first answer was that they just needed time to adjust to seeing 3 people (theyre poly) and feel out our relationship. im not saying they were lying, they clearly werent expecting this reaction either. but even then my insides tried to press that something was wrong.

now i wish i had trusted them, called it off again before we even started. before i even entertained more.

my headhurts and my eyes sting from crying and textures feel wrong probably because im not okay.

i still want to make jokes? at least this saves me the trouble of having to admit to mom that im probably poly to her and explain my other main love interest. tho this still means i have to tell her at some point that things didnt work out. all i can think to do is just preface it with that she is to not make a single damn call about like “its because theyre poly or because theyre they or because theyre queer” i just dont wanna fucking hear it. i just want to be upset and have someone comfort me.

yknow what fucking sucks the most right now tho??? is that the comfort i want most right now is theirs. its not like my little fanasy distractions were ever considered bad exactly, but i did kinda wonder if maybe they were more fueled by romantic loneliness than i wanted to admit. now i just. idk. i feel numb. romantically at least. which isnt good!! i still have this wonderful girl thats been so patiently listening to me while i gush about them because i was in the fresh throws of seeing someone in person and FEELING something.

i was so scared i would get there and feel nothing and just do another “yolo” like i did before, end up unhappy while i tried to convince myself itd just take time for romantic jives to get going in me. turns out the turns were tabled!!!

i cant tell if my want to bury this shit under jokes is helpful or hurtful to myself. if i just laugh it off and try to pretend i was never invested, not even for a second.

at least i dont have to budget another visit! At least if depo turns out to be not great for my body i can just get off it! at least now i can play with those condoms i bought and not worry! lauigh and look on the bright side, its a good thing right?

i know i need to get rid of their pictures. i already got rid of the digital ones- ill ask them to delete mine later. along with asking if i should just mail the booty toys to their partner, since i wont be needing them. i guess this saves me the trouble of finding out if im still grossed out by anal? sidetracked- i took polaroids of them. of us? and the idea of throwing them away is KILLING me. i still fucking love them. there!! i said it!! im p sure i was at least on my way to loving them or being in love or w/e and now i gotta let go and it fucking SUCKS!!! i cant even be angry because!! i fucking love them!!! and i hate it!! i want to crawl back inside my nice safe little corner of “i dont need anyone” but i know its not true and i know it felt so good to just. HAVE someone, for sure. “for sure”.

anyway the point was that i need to get rid of their photos, because all its going to do is make me miss them- miss what i thought we were. but im fucking dying about it. but i cant let go and get over it if i dont, i know. ill just end up looking at them again or finding them later and getting heartbroken all over again.

romance is such a goddamn risk i fucking HATE IT but when its good it FEELS SO GOOD. i guess thats that whole “better to have loved and lost thatn never to have loved at all” thing huh??

i just. i dont know. love fucking hurts.

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Yall know i love this survey shit<3

1. List 5 things you want to do before the year ends.

-finish 5 books

-lose 20 lbs

-produce more art

-travel out of the state & country

-heal my heart and love myself a lil more

2. What color are your pants?

not wearing any

3. Favorite motivational quote.

damn, there’s A L O T. prob something simple and to the point. I like “proud, but never satisfied” and “the distance between your dreams and reality is called action”

4. When was the last time you drank coffee?

yesterday; got a new french press for christmas<3

5. What was the last thing you ate?

lmao the weirdest shit. hot cheetos, some hummus, and a bar

6. Favorite animal.

soo many; always been fascinated by sharks. Elephants are up there too.

7. Favorite song.

currently anything Kid Cudi - he soothes my soul

8. Last movie you watched?

National Lampoon family vacation I think?

9. Any turn ons?

of course; im one of those gay people who gets turned on by having an emotional connection first and foremost; but if were strictly talking physical shit - any neck action is sexy af. or just taking breaks to make eye contact.

10. Any turn offs?

bad breath lol and just being a dick in general or inconsiderate

11. List 4 big words off of the top of your head.

cognizant; superfluous; compelling; anguished

12. What are some meaningful movies?

First ones that come to my mind that left an impact or a meaningful message are Shawshank Redemption, Avatar, Wall-E (lol), Forest Gump

13. 2 most important people in your life right now?

Myself honestly 

14. What are 3 things you want to do before the month ends?

Find a desk, order a blender, and form a morning routine

15. When was the last time you read a good book?

Currently reading Michelle Obama’s -Becoming; before that I read the Alchemist and it was good

16. How long do you study for usually, if you study?

I don’t

17. Do you have any nicknames?

Pollo, Hayls

18. Favorite kind of perfume? (fruity, alluring, etc.)

Viva la Juicy, but honestly all of them - been sticking to essential oils or all natural shit lately - anything with Amber is good.

19. Do you have any international friends / friends who live out of state?

yes<3

20. What is something unique that you do every single day?

lol shower? I dont really do anything special i dont think?

21. If there was a movie based on your life, what would it be called?

“Becoming” lol because I feel like I am always growing and changing and adapting and learning and ill never just be one thing

22. When was the last time you bought a gift for someone?

Recently - christmas time

23. Are you a shopaholic?

no - but i just got an amazon prime account and thats game changer fa real

24. What are some songs that always make you feel better?

Love - Kid Cudi, 

25. List 3 activities that you can only enjoy by yourself.

Sitting in the tub (otherwise that shit is too crowded lmao)

Reading a good book

Masturbating prob?

26. If you could live in any biome (and survive) which biome would you live in?

Tropical island

27. How do you like being roused in the morning?

cuddles and soft music (prob reggae) and if i aint got shit to do a bluntttt fam

28. How was your day? What did you do?

it was ok - fighting some inner demons lately and feeling really low :/ but i got a little bit done so im giving myself a break

29. What did your last text message say?

“bye”

30. Do you respond to texts quickly?

depends on who it is lol

31. Who was the last person you called?

my mom

32. List 5 things that are on your wish list.

i wanna learn another language

I wish to be able to see more things change for the better in our world

i wish to skydive

i wish to live in another country for a while

and i wish to love myself

33. If you were famous, what do you think you would be famous for?

maybe being a host of a talk show lol

34. Winter or summer?

both

35. What is a quality that all people should have?

empathy

36. If you could have a large collection of one item, what would that item be?

my inner white girl and materialistic ass says shoes - but idk i think it would also be cool to have a collection of books or photographs - ya know that sentimental shit i be on

37. What have you been thinking about lately?

wow so much - a lot of reflecting honestly about who i have been and how i’ve treated others and how i am trying to change myself - so ironically enough, i’ve also been thinking about the future and trying to focus on who i want to be and where i want to be

38. What is the secret to a happy life?

taking it day by day im sure

39. What are some phrases you say often?

“nice” lol to my clients a lot

40. Favorite food?

lately its been asian - like thai and vietnamese. fuck now i want some dumplings and curry and egg rollllz

41. List 3 wishes.

already fuckin diiiiiddd fam

42. What are some of your greatest fears?

memory loss, dying, losing others

43. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

idk whats app prob

44. Most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen (in real life)? 

machu picchu

45. Spicy food:Like or dislike? 

LOVE

46. Scary movies:Like or dislike?

Depends

47. Do you like to travel?

Do you know me lol

48. Any regrets?

yeah always, but i try to live my life without any and honestly id never go back and change em

49. Do you like rain?

obsessed; fav weather actually

50. What do you spend most of your money on?

food

51. Would you rather visit the past or the future?

past bc im a sentimental person; future is exciting and i like surprises and the unknown and dreaming about that shit - id rather not know.

52. Favorite clothing store?

depends - urban outfitters is my style but i like goodwill just as much

53. What is the best advice you can give to those who are feeling down?

this too shall pass

54. How often do you think about your future? Does it scare you?

honestly not often enough, i try not to over think things or it tends to give me anxiety. why worry about things that are far out of our control? I just take shit day by day

55. What angers you the most?

ignorance. and rude ass people. when someone isnt being genuine

56. When was the last time you got majorly angry?

yesterday

57. When was the last time you got really sad?

today

58. Are you good at lying?

im sure everyone is to some degree

59. What foreign language would you like to learn?

spanish

60. How many languages can you speak and what are they?

just one - semi fluent in spanish

61. How often do you go to parties? If you don’t, what do you do instead?

lol 

62. What books do you plan to read this year?

not sure! I have a couple but we shall see

63. Do you have breakfast every morning?

yes i try to - its my fav meal

64. Tell us a secret.

then it wouldnt be a secret

65. How many concerts have you been to?

a few

66. Last hug?

wasnt long enough

67. Who knows you better than anyone else?

myself

68. Baths or showers?

ooooooh damn, depends

69. Do you think you’re ambitious?

i could be a little more

70. What song is stuck in your head?

lmaooo wake up in the sky by gucci mane and bruno - thats been my shit lately

71. Countries you’ve visited?

Peru, Canada, Mexico, Costa Rica, Jamaica, Caymans, Philippines

72. What do you most value in your friends?

Communication and laughter

73. What helps you to sleep better?

putting my got dang phone away from me

74. What is the most money you have ever held in your hand?

prob like 2 grand or some shit

75. What makes you nervous?

when i over book myself or take too much on and have a lot on my plate - so time management i suppose

76. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given?

to live in the present moment; and to take care of myself 

77. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive for sure - i dont really ever forget

78. First mobile phone?

ayyy a flip phone and it was see thru and lit up and had a walkie talkie!

79. Strangest dream?

lmao ew no im so ashamed

80. Best dream?

flying or something

81. Who is the smartest person you know?

my grandpa it seems

82. Who is the prettiest person on tumblr?

idk

83. Do you miss anyone right now?

very much, always

84. Who do you love? Why?

everyone, because life is too damn short for hate

85. Do you like sharing?

yeah lol bc i expect ppl to share w me in return

86. What was the last picture you took with your phone?

idk actually

87. Is there a reason behind everything that happens?

yeah id like to think so

88. Favorite genre of music?

i was raised on hip hop so i feel like that is my go to but honestly i love reggae, alternative, a lil bit of electro chill shit, R&B, oldies, jazz, anything 

89. If you had one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Understanding

90. Describe your life in 5 words.

roller coaster. fun. emotional. loving. growth.

91. Describe the world in 4 words.

crazy. beautiful. strong. vast.

92. Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

skinny dip?

93. First three songs in your favorite playlist?

cocaine model - zhu

is this love - bob marley

tadow - masego

94. Are you more creative or logical?

def without a doubt 100% creative/emotional/empath/sensative/does things based on feelings rather than reason type person lmao

95. Would you rather lie or hurt someone with the truth?

truth always

96. What are you most proud of?

my ability to communicate and understand people

97. What personality trait do you admire in other people?

strength/humility 

98. When you imagine yourself as really, really relaxed and happy, what are you doing?

smoking a fat ass blunt doing yoga on a sunny day while its 68 degrees out and im on a beach