#been on my to-do list for a minute
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hiii question! i’ve been looking for some kutner lives!au’s that deal with the repercussions of kutner trying to kill himself but surviving the attempt, but i’m finding them pretty hard to find. do you have any recs/ ideas about how i could better search for fics that fit this niche?
Hi!! First off I am so glad I am now the Kutner mutual, goal achieved
Secondly, I have the gone through the first 5/20 pages of fics tagged with Kutner (don't worry, not just for this ask) and have come up with only "you are spring" by emptylakes, which you have probably already seen. I will continue to dig through, and let you know if I have any better advice in the future.
On the whole though—I think you're right. Kutner Lives, Kutner!Lives, and Lawrence Kutner Lives do not seem to yield anything specific, unfortunately. We may just need to propose this to fandom as a group?
#kind of a bummer tbh#but it was a good time digging through fics#been on my to-do list for a minute#asks#asks answered#lawrence kutner#suicide attempt#suicide reference#lawrence kutner lives#kutner lives#kutner!lives#dr kutner#fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic recs
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I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea)
#I wanna watch a show#I wanna watch a completely different show#I wanna watch that one show that's been on my list for like 7 years#I wanna watch like 6 different movies#I wanna write!#I wanna map out plot for my homebrew universe#I wanna design a new dnd class#I wanna go to fuckin sleep#I wanna order some food#I wanna read a book#I wanna watch YET ANOTHER entirely different tv show#I wanna think of a christmas present for my best friend#and I want to do all of these things in the next 5 minutes#me @ my executive function system: SO TELL ME WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT#anyway it's 10:30 in the morning I'm going to bed
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A few days ago I came up with an executive function assistant I'm calling "tasks in a hat"
basically, I made a bunch of slips of paper, wrote the things on my to-do list onto them, and put them in my fedora
I then had my partners take turns drawing slips, and whatever they drew out, I would go do that next.
Gradually I remembered other stuff I've been meaning to do, and put them in the hat too.
It's been working really well so far! Having it drawn by chance removes the blocker of trying to decide which of my many to-dos I should focus on next, and having specifically my partners do it adds accountability. After all, if I draw a slip but I don't want to do it, I can just put it back. But if my husband draws a slip, he knows what's on it! Which means that he'll know if I try to redraw.
I also added a couple relaxing things, because I know I'm the type of person to try to do too many back to back, lol
#original#executive dysfunction#it's been great#I have done several things I've been meaning to get done#some of which I've been meaning to do for MONTHS or maybe even over a year#like. yesterday I fixed some popped seams in my wife's pajamas#that's been on my to-do list for AGES but it's also been low priority since they're still wearable#but I put it in the hat and then she drew it and so I did it#and it took like ten minutes#and now it's done!#and the living room closet slip pictured? That thing has been a mess and it's been bothering us but now it's nice and neat!#I even put another box in it that wouldn't have fit before!#Without having to remove things. I just reorganized them to be more efficient
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Maladaptive daydreaming.
#daydreaming#maladaptive daydreaming#maladapting daydreaming disorder#maladaptive behaviors#maladaptive coping#dissociation#immersive daydreaming#dimond speaks#yeah so adding this to my list here lol#my therapist helped me realize i dissociate a LOT and the primary way i do it is through vivid daydreams#they usually happen at work but they also pop up if i'm having a bad day or... anytime really.#i've also come to the realization that i have at least one of these a day which is not good fgsjh#my therapist says they're not inherently bad especially since they do have a positive effect on my emotions (if its a good daydream)#but it's gotten to the point that it's affecting the way i work#and they can last for a LONG time too#i haven't timed them but i do know they've been over 30 minutes at work before#this is either due to ADHD autism PTSD or a mixture of the three lmao#weeeee#anyway. this post isn't really intended to be a vent post#it's more like a 'this is my experience' type post#it just kinda comes across as somewhat vent-y#but that was because i wanted to try and immerse the reader into what its like to have these daydreams#like mine look NOTHING like this but making it more generic would help others understand it#the void is the general dissociation from reality#then you emerge in the dream#i can feel things as if i'm there- the sun the wind and sometimes even physical touch#and i'll stay there until something snaps me out#strangely i can get my work done while i'm doing this- i just wont have any memory of doing so. it's like being on autopilot#anyway. I hope this post was helpful to someone out there#if you also maladaptive daydream YOU ARE NOT ALONE! it's valid and you're not 'faking' anything. it's a genuine trauma response.
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well. this is embarrassing.
#kimikawaii has been out for only a little over a month h o w is it in my top 3 albums of the year???#kimikawaii you only dropped in the literal last 7 days of october h o w are you my top track of the month#meoto was my top track for like 3 months. lmao.#meoto probably would’ve had more listening hours if i looped it on my music app instead of the yt vid though#throwback to the days™️ when i’d loop meoto for. like. 3-5 hours during my night shifts. that sure was a time.#(for the record the mona album’s all the way up on the list bc i listen to my mona playlist at lunch on weekdays lmao)#i bet mona would’ve had more listening minutes on there if i had a longer commute…#‘lmao why do you even use apple music’ i had a free trial and didn’t bother to cancel it. n e x t—#anyways. uh. keep streaming kimikawaii!!!!!!!!!!!#and see y’all tomorrow or friday if there’s an announcement/mv!!! maybe!!!!!
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bad and useless forever. incurable
#forget everything as soon as im meant to do it forget that i have assignments#“vee make a list at the beginning of the week” i DO and it doesnt WORK#im doing all the time management things but i open up my laptop and wow now ive been on tumblr dot com for three hours#AND I DONT KNOW HOW I GOT THERE#oh but yeah of course i have perfect recall of everything about the interest but cant remember the most basic school assignment#dont know when i need to leave my house to get to school on time and roll up to friends houses thirty minutes late#but i can tell you exactly what happens in hit indie game in stars and time!! and then not shut up for three hours!!#been trying to do this assignment for three hours and i havent even started yet this is great. fantastic#does everyone have this or am i just Like That#someone mentioned isat twenty minutes ago and i havent calmed down yet because i get too excited whenever someone talks about my thing#hate it here so bad#and i WANT to learn things i want to KNOW but also i cannot pay attention at all ever to them because ????#what happened in my lecture yesterday?? who knows!! i was focusing really hard on not forgetting to print my lab on the way out!!
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Kudo makes funny facial expressions
#i bet this guy was actually a hoot to be around#with his low voice short stature bricks on his forearms#he seems like a guy with a lot of sass#and being stubborn or deadpan#he smiles like a damn quagsire its amazing#i use him in fic stuff to help push stuff along cuz if its left to bruce things will never progress. hes too roundabout and careful#hes all serious and driven but i bet hes the kind to chew faster when hes in trouble#bruce: leader have you seen the peanuts i was gonna have for lunch?#kudo: *chews faster*#his quirk - Gearshift - literally has the user move their hand as if switching gears in a manual car to change the gears of the quirk#kudo has to have something with manual cars methinks. maybe he had one or something. or hes just a bit old in tastes#how else would kudo realize he was Meta if Gearshift required the user to make said movements? or does that part only come AFTER it evolved#i was put in a manual car for the first time and. like a nerd. realized this is the same as kudo#and i got it to work. THANKS KUDOOOO *sing song*#also that post i made about kudo being kind#kudo cant lie or hide stuff for shit. hes so obvious and knows what hes doing with en#NOT EVERYTHING IS GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU STEP WRONG KUDO. he was being so serious the whole time with#“youre gonna die” “the world will end in 5 minutes” “its only just starting now”#this list could be longer if KUDO HAD MORE SCREENTIME-#the gearshift hand thing with midoriya mightve just been midoriyas mental imagery tho#kudo#bnha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#mha#spoilers#how could i forget these tags
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christmas eve ramble tags and some pictures of me and nice things from this year that i have randomly at 2:47am on christmas eve decided to post on tumblr. like why am I posting my face idek but I just felt reflective and i always just dump my rambles on whichever blog I'm using the most 🙈 i have not thought very hard about picking these. my motivation is that i want to force myself into acknowledging that for the majority of this year i felt good. I did good things for my health, and at work, and for my friends and family (even though I am desperate always to tell myself that i have never done anything good for anyone ever.) I found a new fun thing & lovely kind fun people to help me explore it. i got to sleep with my hand on/in Henry (cat not popstar) belly fur. yes i started having panic attacks about stuff to do w my dad, and money is tight (i mean i live in syd..) and i miss my mum and sara and i maybeee spent far too much time speaking to my ex fiance until he went on some rant about family law and I got the ick for once and for all lmao - but i was happy on many occasions.
#so we're doing Christmas tomorrow on Christmas Eve#well its 2.30am so we're doing Christmas today on Christmas Eve#ive been up late making Cypriot Grain Salad and freezing packs of scallops#no not a strange chrissie tradition just the fish place i ordered from listed them as $3.50 each so i ordered 12 just as a little two bite#mouthful each along w the oysters#and they sent 12 packs of 6#which do NOT cost 3.50 each#i actually feel a bit bad#anyway i froze most of them#we didn't do a tree this year#i think last year i did the tree and needed to needed the connection to mum#but this year when i mentioned it to Imi she sighed. and its no fun on your own#so i bought a lovely Christmas Bush and ive twisted those wire fairy lights around it and some little icicle tinsel#i need to sleep for a few hours and then get up and tidy the balcony and vacuum and clean the toilet and wrap presents#can you imagine if i had been able to have kids i am so last minute its awful#oh and a friwnd who had a horrid miscarriage#sorry they are all horrid#but shes pregnant and thats really great news#and my dad was nice to me today when we talked#also i took an extra week of leave off so now im having a month#which is so nice#im going to finish two fics#send cards and parcels to ao many people#i have replies from when my mum died ive still not done#im going to clean out the grarage#im going to swim everyday and try my harsest not to get burnt#okay maybe every second day#summer!#iveet stuff w my dad take away my happiness i had for the first half of the year - also mourning Sara#but i feel a bit more in control and im going to lean in to being proud of what i achieved this year and in finding new joy
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tagged by my beloved no.1 chappell roan stan @cordiallyfuturedwight thanks my darling <33 i can only apologise for the lack of ms roan here... i swear good luck babe has been on repeat i don't know what happened
tagging the usual suspects, apologies if i've already missed yours: @aprylynn @jiminsproof @thvinyl @cosmicdreamgrl @visionsofgideontheninth @hoseeok @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @monismochi <333 and you dear reader
oh and see here for more of my self-proclaimed songs of the summer if you're interested in that kind of thing
#director's commentary--#comin' around again - they call her amber MARK because she never misses. this one is particularly delicious#the thrill is gone - it's stunning. listening to raye again to prepare myself for genesis#bring back the seven minute songs i say!!#i'm fighting my own diminished attention span tooth and nail but i'm losing badly because i keep getting distracted#helen of troy - we all moved on from solar power a little too quickly actually this summer we should throw our cellular devices in the wate#whatcha doing - yeah i have this song on repeat to fund dua's next vacation and it's an honour to contribute.#ALSO did everyone see the chris stapleton x dua acm performance? exquisite. they served AND they ate#bodyguard - still my fav. ryan beatty i could find you anywhere#skip to the good bit - rizzle kicks are making a comeback and my god it has been twelve LONG years without them.#nature is healing. i can hear the trumpets#ok love you bye - anyone who decides to use the line 'if you can't see my mirrors - i can't see you' is an instant icon#it's uncanny - hall & oates deep cut. it's obviously fab#so sick of dreaming - maggie rogers i will follow you to the ends of the earth. album is phenomenal. what a loser!!!#aw shoot - cuntry and music global pop sensation cmat has done it yet again. happy pride my queen#honourable mentions - rachel chinouriri's new album is really great. listen to 'it is what it is'#obviously rm made it to the artist list. who else up thinking about nuts and groin rn!!!!!#vampire weekend's new album is like something from a peanuts comic and st. vincent's new album is indescribable#but if i had to try i'd say like something from a peanuts comic but if woodstock had an insatiable bloodthirst#okay i think that just about covers it! thanks darlings#MWAH#receiptify#tag
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chat i am NOT appreciating the stares i got from walking across campus to cvs in my hoodie and sweatpants as if we didn’t just sit through ANOTHER hurricane like chill man i didn’t sleep well let me get my monster to finish my logic homework in peace 😭
#spent all night having not quite nightmares not quite stress dreams#periodically woken up by storm noises (sleeping with your back to a window during a hurricane when you get shellshock from loud storm noises#- is NOT a fun experience i would not recommend)#and THEN getting woken up at 5 am by an emergency alert warning about flash floods until like 11:45 when i have a 10 am class that morning 🙃#luckily my professor cancelled class for that (and my other class was cancelled for it to)#but tbh i was NOT gonna walk 7 minutes to the second farthest building on campus through that either way#i was just gonna send him a pdf of my homework and say ‘i’m not walking through a flash flood for this class sorry 😭’#also my school didn’t do shit for this?? they’ve been sending us emails all week about dangerous weather#but made SURE to add in all caps in every one that classes and stuff will go on as normal#cofc doesn’t stop until we’re dead i guess what the fuck 😭#scratch that i mean everything’s as normal except half of our dining halls are closed. so i have to walk 7 minutes out for food anyway 🙃#BECAUSE MY SNACK STASH IS DEPLETED BECAUSE ITS BEEN JANKY ALL WEEK 🙃🙃🙃#what was this post about again??#WAIT AND THEN THE NORMAL ‘AROUND CAMPUS’ ROUTE I TAKE TO MY HOUSE WAS CLOSED#SO I HAD TO GO THROUGH THE MAIN PART OF CAMPUS#IN MY HOODIE & SWEATS & CARRYING MY MONSTER & POP TARTS#WHILE THERE WERE LIKE THREE TOUR GROUPS STANDING THERE I WANNA DIEEEEEE#wait i can’t say that anymore. uhhh hold on let me find the list. ummm. ‘i’m gonna start a scam company’ there we go.#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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so i got some really great feedback on the final draft of my star trek strange new worlds spec and i'm hoping i can ride that high through next week when i'm starting my second-last class in the tv writing program. mostly posting this so i have documented proof that i am in fact a good screenwriter so that when i inevitably start second guessing myself i have a post to beat myself over the head with.
#i've been doing some serious work wrt my self confidence but man it's rough!!!#i am getting better with it though#anyway#note to self#in other news i'm working on fic today as is custom on this most important of international holidays (deancas day)#i'd like to try and hit post on something but we'll see#cass says things#about the blogger#by great feedback in this context i mean ''positive and complimentary''#though earlier in the process i got great feedback as in ''helpful questions and suggestions''#but wrt my final draft the instructor just listed things she loved for several minutes and pointed out a couple of missed typos#while everyone else in the class still got structure/dialogue/etc notes#so i'm feeling pretty good about it honestly!!
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cryptic spoiler for what im writing rn
#ive kind been sleeping on venus in overdrive tbh it's really got some bangers#i wish he'd gone a little less pop with it. if he did live versions/rerecorded versions w more of an... edgy? feel#like he did w 80's songs on the greatest hits... alive live album i think it would rise to one of my all time favorites#i consider every alive version of songs better than the studio versionshis guitar and vocals are better. especially dont talk to strangers#like what's victoria's secret? and i'll miss that someday are rlly good but just feel like something's missing and more of an alive feel#would fix them#title track is fine as is tbh it's got enough going on doesnt feel empty at all#time stand still is the huge exception tho it would be actively worse w the alive treatment. it's kinda too light and empty but in a way#that's appropriate and works perfectly#but sadly i don't think he'll overhaul any of these he doesn't seem very fond of venus in overdrive?#none of it makes it into his set lists and it's underrepresented in his recent big hits compilation album#he def loves rocket science so many of those on big hits. im hoping he'll do some kinda rerecording and that's why it's been taken off#spotify... shock/denial/anger/acceptance wasn't on spotify for a hot minute until he released a 20th anniversary deluxe version this year#i also think a stripped down/acoustic version of rocket science would work really well#sorry i smoked weed and got really autistic abt rick springfield apparently
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@wayhavenots tagged me to match a song to every letter in my user name [lmao]!
Gotta Tell You - Samantha Mumba
River - Leon Bridges
Anna Sun - WALK THE MOON
Paint - The Paper Kites
Evacuate The Dance Floor - Cascada
Creep (Cover) - Postmodern Jukebox (Hayley Reinhart)
Abigail - Paolo Nutini
Sanctuary - Utada
Every Time We Touch - Cascada
Spiracle - Flower Face
Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Frank Valli
Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
Ophelia - Lumineers
I Know What You Want - Busta Rhymes, Mariah Carey, etc.
Courage - The Tragically Hip [My fave version tho is this one]
Endless Love - Lionel Richie and Diana Ross
Say Less - Rosie Darling
tagging @pollard-zero @quinnorion @quaxorascal @laufire @mt07131 @bansheeheart @lelianasbong
and anyone who wants!
#considered quiting after the second e but was like no ima do this#if ima do it ima go all the way!#tag meme#wayhavenots#grapecase memes#i really dont remember my tags lmao#been a minute since ive done these regularly#music#music recs#just plucked the first one in my liked list#1000 plus liked songs need to be good for something beyond nostalgia#but anna sun is actually a song i play on repeat until i tire of it and then come back to it -- like clockwork roflmao#paint is also a song i really wanna force into a hawke or andy playlist [or warden. i feel it might work for certain wardens. aeducan maybe#]#alcohol mention cw#[in abigail]#grapecase playlists#lol so i can remember my thoughts
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It's really nice having a free housekeeping service thru my Medicaid but ever since my regular housekeeper that I had for a year (now friend) got promoted in March it's like every other person I've had fuckin hates disabled people
#there was one perso who would drive by my house to clock in (your location has to show that you're at the client's house) and leave#found out when i called and was like hey why has no one been showing up and the office was like it shows shes been clocking in there what??#apparently i wasn't the only one and she got fired#and then we had a woman who treated my shift like it was her break time#i mean she would sit at our table and eat a full meal and talk on the phone as loud as possible instead of cleaning#she'd clean for 20 minutes usually just dishes then spend the rest of the time eating or playing on her phone or on a phone call#she would put away WET TOWELS i mean they were more than just 'damp'#and once left a full unflushed shit in our toilet with shit stains on the toilet seat#i remember once she sat outside in our front yard on a phone call and when i went out there to ask what was going on#she was just like ''im on the phone'' and ignored me#i asked for her not to come back several times and they sent her 2 or 3 more times#and then i got a new lady who just straight up lies to my face#i give her a list of what i need done for the day and she will only do the dishes#then sit at our table and be like ''oh i got everything else done I'm just waiting on laundry''#and then I'd look to see that actually nothing else was done at all counters dirty floors dirty LAUNDRY NOT DONE#i confronted her last time#i was like ''hey I've asked for the bathroom to get done the past few times now and it hasn't been''#and she was like ''yes I did clean it'' so i wiped my hand across the sink and showed her the dust and grime stuck to my fingers#and then didn't clean it again that day. and said sat at the table saying she was waiting on laundry. and no laundry was done#and said she swept the living room which absolutely was not swept#bc I'd get out the vacuum and she'd be like ''oh i can just use the broom'' (on the carpet??)#I'd get the bathroom cleaning supplies out and she'd just put them away#and i dont mean that im being super picky about wanting things cleaned prefectly#or thaf she's ''not doing it right''#she's literally not doing it at all#i told my friend/ex housekeeper about this and she told me that every other person who's had her also asked for her not to come back#oop she's here. it's gonna be her last time i called the office and set it in stone this morning that she wont be coming back#.bdo
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my friend thinks i have ADHD and started listing a bunch of traits i don’t have and was reacting like im crazy when i told her i don’t have those traits
#she says i’m super impulsive and the things she listed were#no joke#getting a tattoo and going to a birthday party#it’s like she thinks if i don’t narrate my entire thought process to her about everything i do i must not be thinking about it before#she was like from my perspective it seems impulsive because i didn’t know about these events beforehand#and it’s like yeah. because you were not involved in them#this went on for like 20 minutes and she wasn’t listening to me#and i came to the realization that she doesn’t know or understand me at all#and everything i do reads as impulsive and thoughtless because she’s giving me no credit for having any sort of thoughts or inner life#i’ve known her for like a year and a half i’ve never been this badly misunderstood by someone before#which is weird because i’m very cards on the table up front what you see is what you get#and she seems to think i’m very very different than who i am#has anyone else had this experience lmao i was super anxious the whole convo#and had to private message another person in our group message to make sure i wasn’t being crazy
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just made a doctors appt for something i wanna get out of the way before i start hrt, and i feel like im gonna throw up .
#i still have to look into doctors for testosterone and stuff but. i have so much i have to do before that#so it feels kinda impossible#but this appt is a baby step and that makes me nauseous#jts so stupid its like an appointment ive been meaning to make for a year#and i just did it online in 10 minutes#didnt even have to call them#i have a few more other things on my Before HRT list lmao. but im getting to them slowly. and thats a little terrifying
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