#been having trouble with my appetite which is worrying enough without having problems actually physically mechanically eating

[lovelaceisntdead]

Do you think if I rip my lower jaw off my face it won't hurt anymore

[sirowsky]

The Flowers Always Know

Description: When a mad scientist uses you as an experiment while you’re on holiday, the Heroics only just manage to save you. And in your recovery you become very close to the leader of the group. (Slow burn)

Warnings: Language

Link to Masterlist

Comment: Hint to what the title is all about, and plenty of Máma Moreno.

Chapter 6

  The house was a mess, to say the least. You had left in a hurry that evening, after things had taken a very sharp turn towards very bad, shortly after your dinner. You’d been glad that you had only eaten a light pea soup, when it came back up again some ten minutes later. You’d only just made it to the bathroom, but after the food had been coughed up, a large amount of fresh blood had followed, and you knew you were in trouble.   Why you hadn’t called for that ambulance was anyone’s guess, but then, you had never liked being a bother, and you had been perfectly capable of walking out to the cab.    It was just that, in the twenty minutes that the drive had taken, you’d gotten significantly worse. Your whole body had started hurting, you’d begun bleeding from the nose and ears, and just as you got to the hospital, you had begun to get spasms and cramps in your spine and legs.   When you staggered into that emergency-room, you did it truly convinced that you’d leave it in a coffin.

  You shuddered slightly with the memory, as you walked through the house, opening all the blinds and pulling all of the curtains back again. It was already late, and thus dark outside, but you wanted to wake up to a house that bathed in sunlight in the morning.   The kitchen was probably the worst, in terms of the amount of cleaning that would need to be done. The remnants of your cooking that evening where still on the counter and in the dishes, and the amount of mold that was growing in there was somewhat disturbing.   You couldn’t leave that for the morning, you’d lose every ounce of appetite waking up to that crap. So, you set about throwing away everything that had been left out on the counters and in the sink, and quickly scrubbed all the open surfaces clean, before handwashing some of the glasses, plates, mugs and cutlery, that had gotten dusty even sitting in the cabinets, in the four months you’d been gone.   Once the kitchen felt usable again, you went to the bathroom to check what state that was in. It wasn’t too bad. You flushed all the pipes and let the water run in the sink and the shower for a good half-hour to clean them out, and begin to work away the smell of stagnated water. The toilet needed a decent scrub too, but it could wait until morning.   It was after midnight when you’d finally changed the sheaths in the bed and settled in for the night.

  A sharp rapping on your door woke you after what seemed like mere seconds. But the sun was up, so you looked at your wrist-watch – 06:15 – and sighed. Who the fuck would be there at that hour?   Grumbling into your pillow, you turned over and decided that whoever it was would have to come back at a more decent hour.

  “Come on now, mujer, I don’t have all day.”

  You physically jumped at the sound of Anita Moreno raising her voice behind your front door. She wasn’t shouting, just applying a good amount of force to her voice. Just enough to make you feel a size smaller than usual.   You scrambled out of bed and grabbed a robe which you put on whilst walking towards the door. You had no idea what you looked like, but you hoped there was an air of scarecrow to you. You’d found her intriguing when you first met her the day before, but she was little more than a damned annoyance right now. You were not a morning person, and especially not today when your body was tired and sore from the tests.

  “I’m not gonna ask if you know what time it is, because you obviously do, and you obviously don’t care, so don’t beat around the bush and just tell me what the hell you want so I can go back to bed and finish waking up.”

  “You always this cheerful in the morning?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’ll be sure to let Marcus know.”

  “What does my morning mood have to do with Marcus?”

  “Nothing. Yet…”

  What? No, no, don’t let her distract you, idiot.

  “What do you want, Mrs. Moreno?”

  “Tell me, what kind of flowers do you like?”

  Nope. You’re not doing this, whatever it is, you’re not doing it at 6 fucking 15 in the morning.

  “Have a nice day, Mrs. Moreno.”

  As you went to close the door, she simply barged right in, straight past you, and completely unbothered walked into your kitchen while you scrambled after her, shocked and abruptly furious.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

  “Don’t you cuss at me, mujer.”

  “If you want me to treat you politely, then don’t fucking barge into my house uninvited.”

  “Calm down, I’m not staying for breakfast. I just want you to answer a few questions.”

  Unbelievable.

  “You’ve got some nerve.”

  “I’m old, mujer, I don’t have time for intermissions. Now, tell me, what kind of flowers do you like?”

  You were fuming, but this woman was a super. She wasn’t leaving until she decided to leave. So, you took a breath.

  “Dahlias.”

  “Interesting choice. Why?”

  “What does it matter? What do you want from me?”

  “Do you know the origin of Dahlias?”

  “Why? Am I to expect a pop-quiz banging on my door tomorrow?”

  “The Dahlia came from my ancestors, the Aztecs, they called it The War Flower. Nowadays, it’s known as the King of summer flowers, because of its wide range of shapes, sizes and colours. It has something of a demanding presence, you never walk past a Dahlia without seeing it. And yet, it doesn’t ask you for much.”

  “Do you have a point, or is this becoming a lecture on the mythology of flora? Because I will go back to bed and ignore you until you leave.”

  “It’s an observation. What’s your opinion on supers?”

  “Are you serious? Ugh, forget it, of course you are. Fine. I have nothing against them, but I don’t adore or idolize them. They’re flawed just like the rest of us.”

  “What’s Marcus’ flaws?”

  “He’s… too kind for his own good sometimes. He let’s people walk all over him if he thinks that it’ll keep the peace. And he… tries to carry the whole world by himself if you let him.”

  She smiled.

  “Good. You’re hired. I expect you at Heroics HQ at 7 am tomorrow morning.”

  …what THE FUCK…?!

  She walked back towards the door, while you stood dumbstruck just staring after her. She had reached the door by the time you unfroze and ran out to the hallway.

  “Wait, what the hell are you talking about? Hired for what? I didn’t ask you for a job.”

  “No, you didn’t. But you need one, and I’ve got one. Take it or leave it, if you’re not there by 7, I’ll know what you chose.”

  You stood in the door, watching her disappear into a black SUV, and drive off.

  Did that actually just happen? It must have, there was no way in hell you’d ever even dream something like that. You shook your head, and decided that there was no point in going back to bed now, your head was buzzing, so you might as well have breakfast and get the cleaning going.   As you went to the bathroom you caught your reflection in the mirror, and smiled to yourself. There was definitely an air of scarecrow.   You turned the TV on while you made tea, and tried not to think about what had just transpired in your kitchen.   You had always loved coffee before, never started the day without it ever since you were 16. But your body seemed to have become oversensitive to it after your cellular breakdown. You’d had your first cup about a month ago, and it had really done a number on you. You’d been hyperactive for hours with uncontrollable twitches and insistent trembling in your hands.   You’d given it a second try a week later, but even just half of a small cup had resulted in the same outcome, so you had accepted that your coffee-days were over. You were actually really starting to like tea, especially the spicier types.

  The news showed a highlight reel from the Heroics latest outing, and you found yourself glancing at the footage, looking for a glimpse of Marcus. You saw him flash by as he fought someone, or something, you weren’t sure, and then again when the fighting was over. He looked confident and strong when he was out there. When he had an enemy in front of him, and a clear task.   It was enticing to watch. Oh, who were you kidding – it was fucking hot!   You shook your head and turned the TV off as you finished your breakfast. There was a lot to do to get the house in order, and you had a plan to get it all done. The problem was that a certain uninvited guest kept popping into your head, distracting you with thoughts about flowers and what the hell that job was all about?   So, by lunchtime, you weren’t anywhere close to where you’d hoped to be. You’d managed to wipe down all the surfaces where dust accumulated, and the vacuuming was done. But you’d hoped to have washed the floors and beaten the carpets and cleaned the refrigerator and freezer by then. 

  Oh, well. Rome and all that. 

  You decided to have pizza for lunch and called in an order.   But later, as you were eating said pizza, you had something of a lightning moment. You didn’t need to sit there and just fidget and wonder and worry about what you were gonna do tomorrow. You could just go back to HQ and talk to Marcus. He’d only be happy to see you, he’d said as much when you went to find him to say goodbye.   It hadn’t been a very long exchange, since you’d been eager to get going, knowing there’d be things you’d have to do before going to bed. But he had said that he’d miss you and that you’d always be welcome to visit them.   So, why not? If anyone could tell you what Máma Moreno was up to, it’d be her son.

Authors’ Note: I love criticism, don’t be shy to let me know if there’s anything you like/don’t like/have questions about.

@blueeyesatnight​ 

@farfromjustordinary​

[scripttorture]

I have a character who was a slave but was rescued and freed after about 2 years in slavery and eventually goes on to rescue other people in slavery. While in slavery, he was punished often with denial of food as well as being whipped and beaten when he refused to work. He also had his tongue partially cut out as a punishment. I already have a good idea about the psychological effects he is going to have, but I’m struggling with the physical effects and how long it would take to recover

Part of the answer here depends on this character’s age because while adults can generally make a good recovery from periods of starvation the effects on children (especially young children) are a lot more long lasting.

 The best places to start for the effects of starvation on adults are probably the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and the World Health Organisation (WHO, general link here, 1999 pamphlet on malnutrition in all ages here).

 Recovery is generally pretty quick unless someone’s at the point where they’re near death.

 Refeeding syndrome can be an issue in some cases (especially famine or forced labour camps) but it doesn’t have to be one here. If the character is eating normally (as opposed to being fed by IV for instance) then refeeding syndrome is less likely. My understanding is that this is because the body suppresses appetite during starvation so that it only takes in what it can manage (appetite recovers quickly as the patient regains weight.)

 There’s a detailed NHS guide to refeeding in adult here. It should give you an idea of how at risk your character is and how much food he’ll be able to handle in his first few days of recovery.

 A physical recovery period of around 1-3 months depending on the degree of starvation is reasonable. In this case by ‘recovery’ I mean being able to do normal physical activity, a return to previous healthy weight, or higher weight, return to normal appetite and nutrient levels.

 Recovery can be delayed by additional illness: it’s easier for starving people to contract diseases or infections and it takes longer for them to fight them off.

 There’s also a difference depending on whether you’re talking about a character who is consistently under fed and forced to work versus a character who is usually provided with enough food but sometimes denied food completely/on very reduced rations for periods of a few days. Consistent starvation and malnutrition is much more usual in slavery and… much more likely to be fatal.

 A character that has short periods where food is denied them (no more then two days) and is then allowed to eat as much as they want is probably not going to need hospital supervision/treatment for starvation. If that doesn’t sound like your character then the procedure is usually just to let the person eat as much as they want of whatever they want. The difficulty for people at this sort of stage is more about organising giving out food then it is about keeping doctors on hand to monitor them.

 Now I know less about this but I think there is some evidence that this sort of pattern of intermittent starvation (ie periods where the character is starved, then allowed to eat and this is repeated) can cause some pretty serious health effects. It can also make disordered eating behaviour more likely.

 On a cosmetic level it’s also linked to weight gain.

 Which ever option you’re picturing the following effects are all likely:

loss of muscle mass

lack of coordination

weaker bones

higher chance of hypothermia or heat exhaustion

fainting

poor circulation

higher chances of disease and infections

longer recovery time and more difficult recovery from disease and infections

 A survivor can get to a point where they’re no longer at immediate risk before they’re back to full health. It takes time to recover bone and muscle mass. It takes time for the internal organs to get back to normal. It takes time for enough fat to build up so a person’s body can regulate heat properly.

 There’s also a difference between someone being at peak physical fitness and getting back to average. My understanding is that if someone’s survived significant periods of starvation they’re… unlikely to reach peak physical fitness. If this character was an athlete or a super hero or otherwise had a physically demanding profession, they’re likely to notice a difference even when they’re ‘better’.

 They could improve with time and practice but they may never get back to their prior ability level.

 There’s evidence of epigenetic effects; the children of people who recover from starvation are likely to be shorter then the children of people who have never starved.

 The Minnesota Starvation experiment theorised that after a successful recovery there were few long term effects of starvation. There’s some evidence now that this was an optimistic conclusion but it’s difficult to get a clear picture because of the ethics around studying starvation.

 For young children starvation results in an adult who is:

physically weaker

less intelligent

more prone to illness

less able to fight off illness

has a shorter life expectancy

is physically smaller

 Starvation of children represents a blunting of potential: they will never reach their full strength or intelligence even if they may be stronger/smarter then some individuals. And there is really nothing that can be done to treat that. They needed food over a crucial period and did not receive it. The damage is done and can not currently be treated or healed.

 Beatings over a long period of time and forced labour both have a tendency to cause chronic pain in the joints. Shoulders and knees seem particularly common.

 There are a lot of possible causes for this sort of chronic pain. Ligament and muscle damage s possible. Beatings with objects can cause bone fragments to uh break away and lodge in soft tissues. Soft tissues around joints can be damaged.

 And there are also psychological causes or combinations of both physical damage and psychological causes.

 For instance this is something I saw in an account from a survivor of child abuse. The survivor had been punished using standing stress positions and he found as an adult that he got shooting pains in the backs of his legs while stressed at work. With the help of his doctors he found that when he was stressed he leaned forward on to his toes, mimicking part of the stress position he’d been subjected to as a child. This put more strain on his legs and caused the pain.

 These kinds of responses can be very difficult to stop.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that disabling pain is really common in survivors and you don’t necessarily need to know a specific cause for it.

 Chronic pain can cause long term problems to do with mobility and performing everyday activities. Most often it means that survivors need to rest more often, they may have less stamina and they might need to do things in ‘odd’/unusual ways in order to comfortably perform the activity.

 For instance someone with chronic pain in their shoulders might struggle to hang wet clothes on a line that’s above their heads. So they might get in the habit of lowering the clothes line, attaching the clothes and then raising it by pulling on the cord at waist height. They might have trouble moving their shoulder to put on jackets, so they could use their body weight to ‘flip’ the arm joint to the correct position without involving the muscles of the shoulder.

 Someone with knee pain would probably be more particular about the height of chairs in their house. They may stop keeping things in low drawers or shelves.

 Consider where your character might have pain, what activities might make it worse and life style adaptions you can work in to your story.

 These can actually be a great world building/character detail. Especially because healthy people have a tendency to assume these adaptions are eccentricities rather then necessity, prompting conversation between characters.

 There is one part of this scenario that worries me: mutilating the tongue.

 Cutting out tongues is one of those things that comes up a lot in fiction and is generally… less survivable then people assume. Tongues are not just for verbal communication: they’re a pretty essential part of how we swallow food and water, not to mention detecting whether said food/water is edible and they contain a lot of blood vessels. There’s a reason things like tongue splitting and tongue piercing don’t tend to show up as traditional body modification practices.

 The process of partially removing a tongue is life threatening in and of itself. Victims can drown in their own blood. Inflammation can block the airways causing suffocation. Infection can make breathing, eating or drinking impossible (increasing the chance of death from infection.)

 If the victim survives (some definitely did) they’d have trouble eating and drinking for the rest of their lives. This means malnutrition is likely, leading to shorter life expectancies and higher chances of disease (apart from the conditions malnutrition itself causes.)

 It also means recovery from starvation would be significantly longer. Which means a longer period when the character’s more at risk from infection and disease as well as the general uh ‘problems’ starvation causes.

 I’m not saying you’ve created an unsurvivable scenario. We know from history that some people have gone through stuff like this and survived.

 What I’m saying is the survival rate is low. Those survivors (and your character) got lucky.

 Keep that in mind when you write this scenario.

 In terms of long term recovery I honestly have no idea how a removed tongue is treated, I’m not a medic. I can guess at some lifestyle adaptions though.

 Because it makes eating more difficult I think it’s likely a survivors would have smaller meals and more frequent meals rather then large portions that might be cold/unpleasant by the time they’ve finished eating. They’d probably learn to cut their food into smaller pieces and might avoid tougher foods that require more chewing. Their sense of the taste and texture of food would be impaired which might effect their enjoyment of food which could in turn effect their motivation to eat and their recovery.

 Overall I think the take away message here is that while most of the physical long term effects of slavery are not immediately life threatening they have a massive effect on long term quality of life.

 A lot of survivors of modern slavery come out of similar time frames to this disabled by a combination of chronic pain, joint problems and untreated injury or disease.

 One of the recurring themes in Kara’s interviews with slaves is that slavery physically ages people. The combination of extreme distress, physical abuse, overwork, sleep deprivation and malnutrition makes survivors appear much older then they are.

 But the reasons why, the injuries and marks of abuse are often not immediately obvious.

 I hope that helps :)

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[ask-a-vetblr]

I hate to ask this question, and maybe it's a bit silly but my cat snores; loudly enough that it could pass for human and I've woken up many nights wondering who the heck is in my room before realising its the cat. I know that in humans snoring is often a sign of underlying sleep disturbances, so I wondered if this could be a sign of something for concern in a cat? she's been snoring like this for the past two years so it isn't recent but it is getting louder, I've noticed. Thank you!

damn forgot to add an emoji. I'm snoring cat anon 💤

Hi, Sueanoi here.

Snoring is caused by a partial obstruction of the airway (in or on). There are many causes of snoring. Some are not to be worried about and some are life threatening. Keep in mind, I am unable to determine which of these could be the cause of your cat’s noisy breathing.

1. Is your cat obese? Fat accumulating around the neck can press on the airway during sleep. If this is the case, please seek veterinary advice. Obese cats can have other problems as well so you should get those resolved while you’re at it.

2. Is your cat brachycephalic? that means cats with flattened facial structure. While it is not discusses as often as in dogs, brachycephalic cats can suffer brachycephalic syndrome. Due to bony structure becoming smaller, fleshy structures have nowhere to go. Stenotic nares (permanently squinty nostril), elongated soft palate (so long it goes into the throat), and tracheal collapse are some of the most concerning airway problems found in extremely brachycephalic animals. Please seek veterinary help to let your animal breathe easier if applicable.

3. Is your cat sick with an on-going respiratory diseases. If so, the snoring should resolve as the disease is resolved. Seek vet help.

4. Foreign body in the airway can be a cause. again, you might need a vet’s physical exam or other tests to rule this one out. 

5. ah, the WebMD diagnosis. a mass in or on the airway can be a cause of recent/worsening snoring. Don’t jump to conclusion without actual vet taking a look at your animal. Its possibility is, however, non-zero.

6. could just be a sleep position. Is your cat sleeping in a super weird Yoga pose? Is it resolved when the cat change its position?  snoring can also be entirely normal without causing (or being caused by) any trouble at all. If your cat doesn’t have any noticeable change in behavior or appetite, it is more likely that it’s not a disease. However, because you mentioned that it had become louder, I think it wouldn’t hurt to get your cat looked at by profession eyes.

i hope this is useful

sueanoi-the-vet

[sleephyjhs]

You Suffer with Anxiety (REACTION)

[ requested / masterlist ]

tw :: talks of anxiety throughout (no anxiety attacks)

KSJ

Whenever you felt unnecessary nerves beginning to build up within you, you took it upon yourself to prepare some tea. When you were diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager, one of the coping methods you discovered for yourself was hot drinks. The warmth from mugs somehow manages to calm you to a certain extent and steady your trembling hands.

Unknowingly to you, your partner Seokjin had easily picked up on your coping method. As you weren’t the biggest fan of caffeine, it always became apparent to him when your anxiety was particularly bad. He figured quickly that each period of anxiety was different from another and that there was no set way to help you. Any support you needed was completely in your control.

You felt sick. Anxiety never failed to strip you of your appetite. Jin would be home before long, and soon after he would begin to prepare a meal for the two of you. Everything he made in the kitchen always tasted incredible, but you always felt bad breaking it to him that you just weren’t in the mood to eat.

Soon enough, he came through the door and leaned over the armrest of the sofa to kiss your forehead, “What’s with the mugs? You never drink tea.” You shrugged, struggling to find the words, “Alright, what’s going on?”

Seokjin crouched at your head and held contact with your eyes. Only then did it occur to you that he’d figured you out, “My anxiety is pretty bad today. I don’t know why. I feel like I can’t eat, sleep, breathe-“

“Woah, it’s alright! We don’t have to eat or sleep right now. We can talk through some things if you’d like?” You shook your head. Talking about what was wrong made you feel even worse about it, “Well then, all I can offer is to leave you alone, or just.. hold you?”

Physical contact and your anxiety could often be a hit or miss, but that evening, it seemed right to you. You raised your torso from the couch to let Seokjin slide underneath and embrace you on his lap, “You don’t have to tell me anything, but I promise I’ll help you as much as I can, alright?”

MYG

The single most thing you hated about anxiety was its unpredictability. You’d experienced first hand how it easily ruined long-standing plans and disabled you from living the packed lifestyle you once did.

Everyone had different standards for being at their ‘worst’. For you, when the concept of leaving your bed became overwhelming, it signalled to you that perhaps you should take each day a bit slower.

You had felt Yoongi leave the bed early that morning for rehearsals, but as he kissed your cheek as a goodbye, you had pretended to remain asleep. Looking him in the eye would have certainly caused you to burst into tears, and the last thing you wanted to do was make him late.

While Yoongi was gone, you had chosen to stay in bed. All the premonitions you had told you that your legs weren’t strong enough to carry you anywhere else. Collapsing wasn’t on your agenda. You tried music and television, even reading. Nothing helped. You needed company. You needed to know you weren’t alone.

When the clock turned 9pm, you began to count down the minutes. He hadn’t rung to alert you he was staying later, so before long, Yoongi would be home. As you raised yourself from lying down, your stomach growled at the lack of food you had given yourself.

In all honesty, comfort food was what you really needed. Nobody made bulgogi like Yoongi. Mist of your willpower to get through the day was knowing he was treating you to your favourite when he returned home.

As you lost track of minutes, the bedroom door pushed open gently. A blur of black hair and pale skin peeked through the crack, before emerging to reveal a concerned boyfriend, “One of those days?” You nodded sullenly as he paced towards you, “Have you actually gotten out of bed today?”

“Maybe once or twice. I just feel weak.” He folded a wavy piece of hair behind you ear and offered you his hand, glossing over your pale knuckles.

“Would food help?” You nodded before Yoongi could finish his short question, “Come on then, let’s get you sorted out.” He linked your left arm in his right, and held you steadily to guide you downstairs, grasping your hand particularly to let you know he was still there.

JHS

After a year of being with Hoseok, it was finally time for him to embark on another world tour. Because of your job, you were unable to join him as much as he would have liked, which in turn caused you a decent amount of anxiety. Travelling worried you sick, and so the thought of your partner travelling was almost paralysing.

Without realising it, you sat in the artist lounge with Hoseok biting and peeling skin away from the edge of your nail. You couldn’t help it, it was just a nervous habit. As he waited for his turn to record for the new album, all the possibilities of things going wrong on an international trip played through your mind.

It wasn’t your job to mother him, you knew that well. Hoseok didn’t even know about your worries. Your concern stemmed simply from your own anxiety, and you quickly realised there was nothing you could do to stop it.

“Ah, fuck!” In the meanwhile of chewing on your fingers, you forgot to take notice of how hard you clenched your teeth, resulting in you biting more than you had anticipated.

“What happened?” Hoseok asked, drawing his eyes over to you, where you caressed a now bleeding finger, “Oh my god, let me get you a plaster.”

“No, it’s alright. It’s just a nervous habit,” you convinced him, sucking the small droplets from your tiny wound. In his silence, you gazed up to see Hoseok more confused than you ever had before, “Sometimes when I get anxious I bite my nails.”

You dreaded this moment, but after asking you what you were worried about, you confessed your anxieties about his upcoming travels, “I know saying this might not help but you really don’t have to worry, jagi. It’s safe! And you don’t have to worry about being alone either. I can always fly you out if you feel a bit left out.”

KNJ

Namjoon carried through a glass of cold water, watching you and your shaking frame more than the glass itself. After an hour of persistant crying and breathlessness, you had come to a somewhat peaceful state. Although you were calm, you still felt uneasy and unstable, which you were hoping some comfort from your partner might help.

“Just take it easy. There’s no rush for anything right now.” Namjoon urged as he placed the glass on the coffee table. You’d been sat on the hardwood floor for too long, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Not even support from another person could make you strong enough.

Sure enough, Namjoon places himself next to you on the floor and slipped an arm around your trembling shoulders. You were thankful that skinship was something you both enjoyed, “You don’t need to tell me what’s wrong. If you want to, we can talk about it if you’d like. Or we could sit here. Or do anything you’d like to do.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, Joonie. That’s the problem. I don’t know.” You explained, your voice still shaky from the previous troubles, “Nothing’s straightforward-“

“Hey! Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay not to know what’s going on up there. Main point is, you’re safe right now. That’s all that matters.”

You paused in your thoughts for a moment to absorb the gentle comfort Namjoon’s presence gave you. Even his physical warmth made you feel better in one way or another. You didn’t want to turn him away. You needed him.

“Let’s just sit for a while. Is that okay?” Namjoon nodded and nestled his fingers between yours. Without realising, the pair of you began to rock slowly back and forth. In that moment you felt content. Still not fine, but just content.

PJM

As soon as he felt your hand begin to sweat in his, Jimin was unable to resist checking up on you. Walking around the city was something you did together regularly, but often the large morning crowds were enough to overwhelm you.

“Can we sit down for a minute somewhere?” Without needing to ask any more, Jimin led you into the next coffee shop along (which thankfully, was quite drained for the capital’s morning rush) and found you a table in a far corner where music was drowned and company was scarce.

“Usual?” He checked, before strolling to the counter to place your order. Unable to focus on the muffled commotion by the door, you rested your forearms on the table and leaned over your elbows, steadying yourself from your trembling limbs.

Although you hadn’t looked up to witness, Jimin was unable to take his eyes off you. It was endearing how much Jimin cared about you and how much he continued to demonstrate his love. What he wouldn’t tell you is that he also worried about you. A lot more than he’d ever admit to.

Before long, he carried over to you your regular tea and his iced americano and settled it between your still shaking hands, “Take your time. We have time to calm down and sit for a while. Talk to me. Talk to me about anything.”

Only blank thoughts filled your mind. You felt nothing but guilt towards your partner, “I’m sorry. I never mean to do this.”

“You don’t need to apologise, my love. I know crowds aren’t your best friend. You’re okay with me, I promise you.” His words came as a great comfort, but the regret that came woth ruining what was a perfect morning walk was unbearable, “We can chill out here for a while? Karaoke, park, cinema. Today’s all about you, okay?”

KTH

You’d never realised it, but your anxiety had led you to develop some habits that for your partner, Taehyung, had become more like warning signals.

Mental health was a struggle you had opened up to him early in your relationship. You knew that sometimes your behaviour could alert other people, and the last thing you wanted to do was make it seem like he made you uncomfortable or that you didn’t want to be there. Explaining that your expressions or habits were sometimes ahead of you came to be of benefit.

When you entered the dining room, you ignored Tae’s greeting and sat beside him. Withdrawing from conversation was an indicator of your anxiety, and so he turned off his tablet to focus on trying to talk to you, “How is everything?”

You could hear him perfectly well, but talking to him would surely induce your tears. Instead, he laid his hands out on the table. Without hesitation, you grabbed onto him.

Ignoring him was the last thing you wanted to do. In fact, you felt as though you desperately needed him. However, you didn’t want to break down in front of him, he shouldn’t have to see that, “I’ll listen to whatever you want to talk about.”

A few seconds of Tae caressing your hand pulled a tear from your eye, and within seconds, you were deep into his embrace, “I’m sorry. This is so pathetic.” You weeped in between deep breaths.

“No, it isn’t. Let’s go up to bed and get more comfortable, yeah? I’ll keep you company.”

JJK

Jungkook has been stroking your hair for the past half hour as you wound down by watching an animation film. After an anxiety attack, going back to a comfortable memory could help you sometimes. Cuddling with Jungkook only helped you to feel even better.

His gentle hand running through your hair was hypnotic and you were close to falling asleep. Something stopped you. Something was still playing on your mind.

“Jungkook?” You turned your head upwards to search for his brown bambi eyes. His small almond eyes were framed by raised eyebrows. He was listening, “I think I need to get help.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, twirling loose ends of your hair around his fingertips. You readjusted your twisted body to cause less strain on your neck and held eye contact with your partner.

“Like professional help. I can’t go on with this anxiety, it’s too much.” Jungkook nodded along with your narration, “Do you think they’d see me?”

“They can’t turn away somebody who asks for help, surely. And if for whatever reason they do, I’ll make sure we find someone who will work with you.” He moved his thumb over to your cheek, where your dried tears had created a rubber-like layer of skin.

“You don’t have to do that, really.”

“But I want to. I can’t help as much as a professional can, and I want you to feel better in your own skin. I really do, angel.”

[bellasredchevy]

I’m just gonna say it- Bella doesn’t have chronic depression, she’s a normal angst teen that has normal sadness caused by a trigger (Edward leaving) that turns into a depressed state but that is relieved once the trigger is removed (Edward returns) and when ppl say Bella suffered from mental illness and it should’ve been covered more by smeyer (like let’s be real, she would’ve done this terribly anyways) is detrimental to people who actually suffer from chronic mental illness there i said it

*cracks knuckles* alright let’s roll

first and foremost, i’d like to acknowledge a few things, namely, that you are right. smeyer should not have touched the topic of mental health issues. her depiction of edward and bella’s mental illness, amongst others, is incorrect, irresponsible, and even dangerous.

all of that being said, however, there is strong evidence to imply that bella suffers from at least one mental health disorder, if not the three that i’ve noticed bella meeting criteria for. let’s break it down.

the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition (also known as the dsm-v) is a manual published by the american psychiatric association and is the go-to tool for mental health professionals for the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders in the united states. i’ll be using this as my primary source material today.

i have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, graduating the youngest in my class, and have been admitted to several clinical psychology phd programs. i am well-versed in the field of mental health, i have years of experience in field counseling and in the research of mental health disorders. i am disclosing this information because i am well-versed in theory, but not in application. i am by no means equipped to diagnose mental disorders (yet) and this should not be used for a tool of self-diagnosis. i would not recommend self-diagnosis. the following is not a formal diagnosis, just some theories i’m positing.

it’s difficult to diagnose mental disorders without a comprehensive background of the patient, including detailed childhood information and medical history. we don’t know much about bella’s behavior pre-forks, unfortunately, and this first disorder requires the persistence of behavior for at least two years. but i’d be willing to say that bella may suffer from a mild, yet persistent and chronic form of depression called dysthymia, also known as persistent depressive disorder (previously known as chronic depression, for the record). in addition to the persistent pattern of behavior for two years, at least two of the following must be present:

poor appetite or overeating

insomnia or hypersomnia

low energy/fatigue

low self-esteem

poor concentration

feelings of hopelessness

(i’ve bolded the ones i believe bella exhibits during the events of twilight.) i think bella suffers from dysthymia, specifically, because while she does not appear to suffer from severe depression, she’s often pessimistic, sees downside of things, consistently fails to recognize her own positive qualities, skips meals, and fails to consistently get a full night of sleep. but kae, you say, this can all be chalked up to teen angst. fine, i say, i see your point. let’s examine my next theory.

social anxiety disorder is a disorder marked by significant worry and stress in socal situations and requires at least six months of persistence in the following diagnostic criteria:

fear or anxiety about one or more social situation in which sufferer is exposed to possible scrutiny of others

fear of acting in a way that will reveal anxiety symptoms that will be negatively judged by others

social situations almost always cause fear and anxiety

social situations are avoided or endured with intense fear

fear/anxiety are out of proportion to actual threat

(again, bolded ones are the criteria i believe she fits.) she is terrified of her first day of school because she doesn’t like being noticed or being the center of attention, she doesn’t like gym because she knows her athletic ability will be judged, and the ��threats” posed in these situations are almost entirely within bella’s mind. she keeps to herself and would not have friends if not for mike newton, who brought her into his friend group. but kae, that could be chalked up to normal teen shyness, you say. fine, i could see how all of this can be contributed to shyness. however...

post-traumatic stress disorder (or ptsd) is a disorder in which the sufferer has experienced death (real or threatened), serious injury (real or threatened, or sexual abuse (real or threatened). edward leaving bella’s life abruptly and totally, in a devestating way, could easily mimic the psychological trauma of death. in order to meet criteria

criterion a must be met,

sufferer experienced or witnessed the event firsthand

one symptom or more of criterion b must be met,

unexpected recurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories of event

repeated upsetting dreams related to event

dissociation or flashbacks related to event

strong and persistent distress upon exposure to cues related to event

strong physical reaction upon exposure to reminder of event

one symptom or more of criterion c must be met,

avoidance of thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that remind sufferer of event

avoidance or people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that remind sufferer of event

three symptoms or more from criterion d must be met,

inability to remember important aspect of event

persistent and elevated negative evaluation of self, others, and the world (i.e. ‘i am unlovable’)

elevated self-blame or blame of others about cause/consequence of event

negative emotional state

loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed

feeling detached

inability to experience positive emotions

three symptoms or more from criterion e must be met,

irritability or aggressive behavior

impulsive or self-destructive behavior

hypervigilance against danger

heightened startle response

difficulty concentrating

problems sleeping

and criteria f (symptoms last for more than a month), criterion g (symptoms bring considerable distress and/or interfere with daily functioning) and criterion h (symptoms are not due to a medical condition must be met). again, criteria met by bella is bolded.

bella more than meets the diagnostic criteria for ptsd. she has intrusive thoughts about edward leaving, dreams every night about it, plenty of flashbacks, she has to get rid of anything that reminds her of him, going to far as to claw out the stereo from her car with his bare hands, she feels physical aching in her chest as if there’s an actual hole there whenever she thinks about/is reminded of edward, thinks his abandonment of her is justified because she could never be enough for him, stops hanging out with friends and listening to music, has trouble sleeping, can’t concentrate on anything besides school, disassociates for months, and starts cliff-jumping and riding motorcycles. the stress from edward’s abrupt departure ruins her life. she undeniably suffers from ptsd. even in eclipse, when the stressful event has been supposedly remedied, she has to ask edward to stay with her and not fight because she feels as if she would die if she lost him again. bella is the textbook definition of someone who suffers from ptsd.

sorry for the long-winded response. as far as accurate representations of mental health smeyer was pretty accurate in her depiction of ptsd. mental health is something i’m passionate about and felt it was important to be thorough when going through some possible theories as to what, if any, disorders bella suffered from.

have your “i’m just gonna say it” moment and drop your unpopular opinions about twilight anonymously in my inbox

[jinniesxlamp]

The Tables Have Turned - Chapter 9

LIST OF CHAPTERS –> Masterlist

Jimin’s POV

I watched carefully as Jin-hyung pushed aside his bowl, barely touching a quarter of it as he left to go practice more. Hoseok-hyung shook his head in dismay, taking a look at the almost untouched lunchbox.

“It’s been a week, hyung” said Jungkook, turning to Namjoon with a troubled look on his face.

We stayed quiet knowing the reason why he hasn’t been eating all week. Yoongi and Hoseok had shared to us what happened in the hospital. Jin-hyung himself surprisingly told us too about the things that happened once he got home with Y/N. Although she didn’t leave him physically, the way he described their conversation and the noticeable sadness in his eyes made it clear--he lost her.

Everyone was starting to worry with the amount of pressure he was putting on himself. He barely made it out the studio these days, practicing non-stop if not over exhausting himself at the gym. What made it worse was that he barely touched his meals. The managers tried buying all his favorites, even going as far as asking his mom to make him home cooked meals which he loved. But it was all the same. This had to stop.

“We need to do something about this, Namjoon. Look at him.” Hoseok-hyung continued to shake his head, folding his arms as he stood beside Namjoon-hyung.

“Hoseok is right. His skin has become dry from dehydration and his eyebags are only getting darker by the days. I’m surprised he hasn’t lost weight from the amount of exercise he’s been doing” Yoongi continued.

All six of us started to brainstorm on ways to make him eat at least. 

“I think I have an idea...” we turned to Taehyung, hoping he had found a proper solution to the problem.

Y/N’s POV

I entered the clinic as I got back from my lunch break which I spent with Mark. For the first time in such a long time--I learned how to smile genuinely again. Somehow, ever since he told me how he felt, I started to see things more clearly. Plus, the words G-Dragon left me with kept repeating inside my head. GD was right about passion and purpose. The answer to my questions had been there all along, it was I who refused to see it. That same night, I taught myself to understand the reality of what Jin and I were and in that same night I finally gathered enough courage to embrace the truth and simply let go.

We couldn’t divorce each other even if we wanted to, not unless it was absolutely the last resort. I still had to protect him, so did he. 

I shook my head not wanting to remember anymore of the sad encounters I had lately. Not long after, my phone rang.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Noooonaaaa” I pulled my phone away from my ear at the sound of Taehyung’s shrieking voice.

“Taetae?” It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the boys and vice versa. Hearing him speak only reminded me of how much I missed him them.

“Noona, we were just wondering if you had time tomorrow?” My eyes blinked, not finding anything suspicious with his question--though I could have sworn I heard him mutter ‘ssshh, be quiet’ in the background.

“It’s my day off tomorrow, actually”

Taehyung’s POV

The six of us gathered around, making sure everything runs smoothly with the plan.

“Be quiet you fools, I can hear you from here!” Even our choreographer, Sung Deuk-hyung gestured to smack us in the head as he mouthed those words, afraid that Jin-hyung might have heard us.

We managed to orient each and everyone of the staff about today. Everyone was careful not to say anything to Jin--not really sure if this was a good idea or a bad one. Regardless of which, it was worth a try if it meant pulling Jin-hyung together. 

Manager Hobeom was sweating profusely, making all of us nervous while he was trying to ‘explain the tour schedule to Jin’ just to distract him for awhile. Luckily, he didn’t notice.

Yesterday, we figured out an indefinite way to resolve Jin-hyung’s troublesome behaviors--starting with the biggest one. His lack of appetite. No one thought that was even possible for Jin-hyung. It still remains a mystery how he didn’t even touch his mom’s delicious cooking the other day.

The plan was intimidating in the beginning for several reasons. One, we weren’t sure if you had anytime to get involved at all. Two, we weren’t exactly sure if this was going to alleviate the problem or make it worse.

When you told us you had the day off tomorrow, it gave all six of us so much relief and motivation to push through with the plan. We asked you to come over and prepare lunch for us today, making all kinds of excuses which were half true and the other half made up.

“Noona I want spicy beef stew”

“I want kimchi friedrice”

“Egg rolls”

“Japchae or Jjajangmyeon!!!”

An entire list of what we wanted you to bring went on and on since you kept saying ‘what else,’ not declining any of our orders and just plainly giggling.

I hope this works. 

Jin’s POV

I felt so lifeless, as in without feelings while I continued to practice the choreography with Hobi.

“Good. That’s it hyung!” A weak smile was the only response I could give to one of the compliments I usually loved to hear. Every thing else seemed meaningless to me these days. I also started ignoring Irene’s texts, not having the slightest interest to see her at all.

“Good job, hyung!” said Jhope, giving me two pats on the shoulder while we both tried to catch our breaths.

“Let’s go take an hour break for lunch” he said, dragging me back to the meeting room completely ignoring my constant refusal.

I gave up trying to free myself from him until we stopped in front of the right door.

He slowly pushed the door open as I wiped the beads of sweat dripping on my temples, entering without looking.

Then

A whirlwind of emotions came fast. My heart started to pound vigorously at the sight right in front of me. I felt the world slow down while I watched her beautiful lips move gently as she laughed, the way her silky hair bounced with every movement. She was so beautiful in her yellow sundress. How her soft, milky skin that revealed by her chest hypnotized me in such a way I couldn’t describe. And when her eyes captured mine, I suddenly remembered how to feel.

A weak smile formed on her precious face.

The air of awkwardness wasn’t something unnoticeable. Everyone started putting food on their plates while I sat stiff on my chair, something she noticed rather quickly.

I saw her stand up from the seat beside me, taking another plate and putting a little bit of everything on it before giving it to me.

She cleared her throat before speaking.

“So errrr--how has everyone been?” She asked.

“Good, everything has been great! Ha ha ha” answered Taehyung with a nervous laugh. 

“Jin-hyung has been doing great, noona! He learned the new choreography in less that three hours”

“Oh. That’s nice to hear” she replied to Hoseok, forcing an unnatural smile.

“It’s even better now that he’s eating”

Silence stretched across the room at Jimin’s comment with Y/N giving him a confused look. The sound of Namjoon kicking him from under the table wasn’t helping at all.

“I-I mean, not that he hasn’t been eating or anything” everyone watched him shove his food in his mouth, avoiding eye contact with everyone especially Y/N who was now observing me finish the last piece of meat on my plate.

For the rest of the time, everyone had become more careful with the things they were saying, making jokes and gossip instead of engaging in serious conversations.

“Noona, we should have barbecue at your house tonight. We haven’t been there in a long time” Taehyung pouted like a whining child.

“A-ah. About that....well I-I’m seeing a friend for dinner” I couldn’t help but notice the uncomfortable smile on her face at the mention of the word friend. I knew she meant him.

“Ehem..” Yoongi took the liberty of erasing off the unpleasant silence which transpired after

“Hurry up and finish your food, Taehyung-a” he said with authority.

Once everyone had finished their meals, they started to disappear one by one leaving me and Y/N alone in the room. We both knew what they were trying to do although we pretended to ignore it.

“Thank you for bringing us lunch” I said almost tongue-tied.

“You’re welcome” the way she smiled serenely and the stain of care in her voice gave me hope--that maybe she would turn back and see how miserable I am without her.

She was quick to keep everything, cutting our conversation short as she started walking out the room with me following her from behind. Bidding farewell to everyone, she bowed before making her way to the elevator. I offered to send her off which she insisted was unnecessary. 

Even after her shadow disappeared from the hallway, I continued to watch hoping she would come back so I can look into those eyes again.

“She still cares about you” my moment in deep trance was interrupted by Yoongi who was staring into the same direction. I wanted to believe him, but he could still be wrong.

“That’s enough reason for you to try harder. Get her back, hyung” 

“You make it sound so easy” I grunted, rolling my eyes in mild despair.

“Of course it’s easy--

He paused facing his back, ready to walk towards the studio room.

--She was yours to begin with. And she still is. You just need to show what she truly means to you

--And oh, stop being an in-denial, arrogant fuck.”

Mark’s POV

I gripped on my glass, not having taken a single sip off the alcohol I ordered while I waited. Drinking in a high-end bar with barely any lighting in the middle of the day was something I didn’t really enjoy. Usually, Y/N and I would have lunch in a nice restaurant along the streets of Seoul but today she had some people to meet. 

Earlier this day, I received a phone call, one which I didn’t expect and didn’t like to say the least. I sighed wondering why I came in the first place, fairly convinced I was wasting my time. My eyes studied the place, finding very familiar faces in the form of politicians and famous actors meeting people in secret. This must be one of those places. As I continued to observe, a woman sat down beside me, giving her order to the bartender. She waited for her drink and took a sip as I watched her with judgement.

“Let’s go straight to the point” she said, making me raise an eyebrow.

“Help me and I’ll help you” the conceit in her voice surprised me. She is something alright.

“I don’t think there’s anything I would want your help with” I answered back with the same amount of pride. 

A sarcastic smirk appeared on her pale face as she took another sip from her glass.

“Ask yourself then, why are you here if you’re not interested in what I have to say?”

I stayed quiet having no definite answer to her question.

“I need Y/N out of Jin’s life and you need him out of hers”

Her statement was something that surprised me, but I can’t say it’s something I didn’t expect.

“This is ridiculous” I stood up from my chair, ready to leave but she spoke again.

“He hasn’t been answering my calls and messages and every time we’re together he’s always thinking about something, or maybe someone else”

Hearing her just made me think of what a crazy woman she was.

“That’s your problem. Not mine” I said, attempting to move another step

“You do know that their marriage was out of an agreement right?”

Out of all the surprising things Irene had said, this was something that actually caught my attention.

“Mwo?” 

Did I hear that right?

“She was asked to marry Jin to overlap mine and Jin’s dating scandal. Why do you think he’s been seeing me this whole time even when he’s married to her?”

A second ago I wanted to leave hearing her sick intentions. But now I only wanted to hear what else she had to say about Jin, about Y/N--about them.

“As much as I hate to admit it, I think he’s actually affected with Y/N seeing you. They can keep their marriage. I don’t care about that. But I want Jin for myself and I’m pretty sure you feel the same way about Y/N.”

Something in me wanted to give in, wanting her to tell me things I didn’t know. 

“I’m sorry but this is ridiculous” I turned my back towards her, ready to take my leave this time.

“If he decides to get Y/N back, he’s only going to hurt her. I know Jin, he’s just not comfortable seeing Y/N give her attention to another man but that doesn’t mean he cares about her. That’s just Jin--unreasonably jealous, possessive of the things he never thought he would lose.”

I gave her enough time to finish her speech, after which I continued my way towards the door.

“When you do change your mind--you have my number” the way she said it sounded so certain, as if she knew I was going to consider her offer soon enough.

The rest of the day was spent trying to shrug off thoughts of Irene from the bar earlier. I couldn’t help but be bothered with all the senseless things she said.

Their marriage was just an agreement.

I sat inside my car, watching as other vehicles passed by while waiting for you to come out of the coffee shop you were staying at the whole afternoon. My thoughts were so lost into a half-conscious state that I barely noticed you get inside the car.

“Hello” your sweet voice took all the frustrating thoughts that lingered inside my head. The ever so gentle smile on your face sent flutters around my stomach.

“Is everything okay? You asked in concern.

The blush on your cheeks had become more obvious the longer I stared at you.

“Is there something on my face?” suddenly, you cupped your cheeks, blushing even more. I couldn’t help but giggle biting my lip. You were so cute.

“You’re just really beautiful.” I said, giving you one last look before driving out the parking lot.

We had dinner at a spaghetti place where we spent talking about our first experiences here in Korea, how learning the language was a tough challenge and all that. You started sharing about your family, how you became to be a nurse and learning it was because you ‘almost’ grew up in the hospital with your mother being a doctor and having her bring you to work all the time.

The longer we talked, the more I pictured you in all my days. Holding my hand, walking through parks and museums which you loved more than anything. I was finally conviced--I want to keep you.

Later as the night grew, we decided to go to a nearby park for some fresh air before we head back home. Somewhere along the road, you found an ice cream place by the corner. You grabbed my hand in excitement, asking me to sit on one of the benches as you got one for each of us. I was going to get it but you insisted saying it was only fair since I paid for dinner.

In about five minutes you came back with two chocolate ice creams on each hand.

“Thank you” I smiled, taking the one on your left hand.

“So....is it safe to assume your favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate?” I asked in almost a teasing way.

“Hm? What are you talking about? It’s our favorite.”

My body froze at your statement which I found to be odd--my favorite was strawberry.

Upon realizing what you had just said, the way your eyes widened so suddenly and how your tongue released itself from the ice cream gave you off.

You were thinking of someone else.

[gdelgiproducer]

DOTV AU: An Exercise in Alternate History (Part VII)

Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI offer more detailed context. (To briefly sum up why these posts are happening: alt history – as in sci fi, not “alternative facts” – buff, one day got the idea that DOTV could have turned out hella different if Jim Steinman looked for a star lead in other places, decided to reason out how that might work.) This is still getting a good response, so I’m gonna keep the train rolling.

Parts of the AU timeline established so far:

Instead of stopping at recording two songs from Whistle Down the Wind on a greatest hits compilation, Meat Loaf wound up taking more of an interest in Steinman’s new theater work than he did in our timeline, and through a series of circumstances found himself volunteering to play Krolock in the impending DOTV when Jim poured out his woes to him about needing to find some sort of star to attract investors. At a loss for any better ideas, Jim accepted Meat’s impulsive proposal, but not without resistance from his manager, David Sonenberg, who proposed Michael Crawford as an alternate candidate. Through quick thinking on Meat’s part, and inspiration on Jim’s, Crawford left the room accepting an entirely different role than he walked in hoping to get, leaving Krolock still open for Meat.

There was a brief speed bump, when Meat disliked Jim’s English script for the show, but after meeting with the original German author Michael Kunze and convincing Jim to compromise, things were on the road to being back on track… at least until 9/11 occurred.

Following a brief hiatus, everyone involved met to re-assess their options. The current game-plan was to put the new script on paper, schmooze with potential investors or producers, and put together a new creative team. Preferably not all at the same time, but with the crunch on, they’d do whatever needed to be done.

So far, the schmoozing has gone well, but everybody that Meat, Jim, and the crew would like to be involved is tentative. The newest conclusion is that they need to show them there’s a working show, and a concert of selections from the score seems to be the route they’re taking, possibly financed by an unlikely source.

Continuing the alternate DOTV timeline, a little differently this time! This time we get a feature on the concert from the New York Post’s own Michael Riedel. Take it away!

VAMPIRES: NEW MUSICAL BLOOD by Michael Riedel

If you’ve heard the buzz on the Rialto of late, you’d be forgiven for wondering if you were having a particularly nasty acid flashback. Dance of the Vampires, a new $15 million musical of the macabre based on the 1967 Roman Polanski movie The Fearless Vampire Killers, is already a monster hit in Austria and Germany, and it’s starting to gather steam here in the States as well, with some... we’ll call it unlikely... star power attached. After all, what other musical (even in a preliminary concert presentation) can boast Courtney Love as an emcee slash investor, and such disparate names as Meat Loaf and Michael Crawford as co-headliners?

Admittedly, Meat Loaf’s presence is slightly less surprising, as the driving force behind the show is Jim Steinman, who wrote Mr. Loaf’s classic Bat Out of Hell albums as well as the lyrics for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Whistle Down the Wind.  He has written the score and is co-adapting the book for Vampires with playwright David Ives (All in the Timing), who is also currently at work with Steinman for Warner Bros. on a musical version of Batman, from German dramatist Michael Kunze’s original script. He also co-directed this concert with Starmites composer Barry Keating, though early reports that Steinman would be co-directing the eventual Broadway run with Jane Eyre creator John Caird have ultimately been dismissed.

“Roman directed it in Vienna, but he can’t work here because of his legal problems,” Steinman said, referring to Polanski’s indictment for statutory rape in the 1970′s. “He may be the first director who can’t work over here because of a statutory rape charge.” When queried about who then would be directing the New York run, Steinman was tight-lipped, but among those in attendance at the evening’s proceedings was Urinetown’s Tony-winning helmer, John Rando, who is now rumored to be in talks for the slot. Said Rando of the new show, “It takes the vampire myth and pokes fun at it, but it also embraces it. Its message is about the excesses of appetite. It has wit and an edge to it. I’d love to be involved!”

The presentation (at the 499-seat Little Shubert Theatre, about half a mile west of Broadway; events like this cause us rightfully to wonder why it doesn’t see more use) for a by-invitation-only crowd was kicked off by Ms. Love, Hole rocker and widow of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, in memorable form. Says a source in attendance, “You could sum it up in two words: too drunk. She was literally falling over. She wasn’t coherent at all.” Managing to gather herself enough to announce that Dance of the Vampires is a musical for people “who think musicals suck,” she didn’t manage to say much else of importance. “It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed.” Insiders report that Steinman’s manager, David Sonenberg, who is also one of the show’s producers (and a first-timer at that), worried that those involved would be seen as taking advantage of a troubled addict. Ms. Love’s performance did little to dispel this perception. Lucky that representatives from noted L.A.-based promoter Concerts West, major music manager Irving Azoff (who numbers The Eagles, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Christina Aguilera, and Sammy Hagar among his clients), film and music mogul Jerry Weintraub, and Broadway’s own Barry and Fran Weissler were in attendance; a cash infusion from such sources may well be needed to save face if she can’t “live through this,” to twist a phrase from her 1994 album of the same name.

In addition to Sonenberg, already attached to Vampires on the producing side are Andrew Braunsberg (another first-timer, who also produced Polanski’s 1971 film version of Macbeth), Leonard Soloway, Bob Boyett (Sweet Smell of Success, Topdog/Underdog), Lawrence Horowitz (Electra, It Ain’t Nothing But the Blues), and Barry Diller and Bill Haber’s USA Ostar Theatricals. Boyett, a TV producer turned legit entrepreneur, used the phrases “trial by fire” and “going to war,” perhaps because while some novice producers just put up the money, get the credit and run, Boyett says he’s been taking the process very seriously: “I went to all the meetings and learned, like it was grad school.” While some Hollywood types find Broadway “less cutthroat,” Boyett finds it “more restrictive.” He mentions the sheer physical space of the theaters but also all the rules and regulations: "I’ve dealt with unions all my life, but I do find Actors’ Equity is very restrictive to the creative process.” Further, he regrets that Vampires will not have an out-of-town tryout. “I loved the experience of taking Sweet Smell of Success to Chicago,” he says with real enthusiasm, as if the project ended happily. “It was helpful to have the critics say what they did.” Not that Boyett thinks the right message from the critics got to the creative team. 

As for Boyett’s teammates, Bill Haber attended on behalf of USA Ostar, and although he wouldn’t consent to a formal interview, he couldn’t resist answering one question -- and it has nothing to do with Dance of the Vampires. Why is Haber’s other fall production, Imaginary Friends by Nora Ephron, being called a play if it has six songs by Marvin Hamlisch and Craig Carnelia? “It has nothing to do with how many songs there are,” he shot back. “It has to do with the fact that if you took all the songs out, it still works and you still have a play.”

And all this before we even get to the show itself. Vampires is your typical erotic musical about an innocent girl (played this evening by impressive newcomer Mandy Gonzalez, currently standing by for the role of Amneris in Aida and late of Off-Broadway’s Eli’s Comin’) choosing between two lovers, in this case an older, aristocratic vampire (Loaf, whose appearance here marks the first time he has worked with Steinman in theater since the early Seventies) and a hunky young grad student (Max von Essen, who reportedly also appeared in the Steinman/Caird-helmed reading in April 2001) under the tutelage of a rather intensely wacky vampire hunter (Crawford). Given the level of Loaf’s obvious commitment to the piece, it is surprising that his manager (Allen Kovac, of Left Bank Management) was a no-show, and in that light, rumors that Loaf has yet to formally sign on the dotted line for Vampires (in spite of previous announcements to the contrary, no less) prove even more curious. Calls to Kovac’s office were not returned. The rest of the cast, boasting some fine voices indeed, was filled out by assorted Broadway names and members of Meat Loaf’s long-time touring band, The Neverland Express, which also provided accompaniment for the evening under the crisp musical direction of veteran rock bassist Kasim Sulton (best known for his work with Todd Rundgren and Utopia, among others).

Speaking of the music: the score, as per Steinman’s usual style, is appropriately big and Wagnerian, with plenty of luscious, operatic melodies, including one familiar favorite that sticks out like a sore thumb: Steinman’s famous “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” under whose operatic pretensions I swooned as a teenager. “I couldn’t resist using it,” he says of a song that goes, ‘Once upon time there was light in my life / But now there’s only love in the dark.’ “I actually wrote it for another vampire musical that was based on Nosferatu, but never got produced.” Close listening to the CD sampler for interested investors also reveals a rehash of the vigorous “Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young,” his song for the film Streets of Fire, which I saw in Los Angeles in 1984 and sent me racing along Mulholland Drive to keep up with the propulsive beat.

As for the new stuff, maybe 50′s rock ‘n’ roll with a 70′s preen isn’t what the 80-year-olds who constitute Broadway’s audience want to hear (and Jim’s rock-mock-Wagnerian shtick admittedly tends to play better in London and Las Vegas than in Manhattan), but my sources say they knew from the first number --  an angelic trio with a beguiling (what did they used to call it?) melody and some expert (the Andrews Sisters used to do it) harmony -- that this would be my kind of score. Frankly I’m glad; since the prehistoric vinyl days, Steinman has been the guy I keep calling for to rejuvenate, or just plain juvenate, the Broadway musical, in a world where the musical theater establishment pronounces old ABBA records a hip pop sound.

The book, while reportedly in better shape than the April reading, is something else again. From the excerpts on display last night, the mix of bawdy humor and eroticism still needs fine-tuning. Says Sonenberg, “By the time we open, it will be a new version of the show, significantly changed with a view toward a New York audience, but right now it plays very much like the original in several respects.” Adds David Ives, “The German production is probably more faithful to the film, but it’s a fairly humorless show, with people getting hit on the head with salami. And I’ve been brought in to take out the salami and put in the chorus girls, without veering into camp in the process. Now it’s just a question of finding the balance, which, needless to say, isn’t easy. But I like what we’ve accomplished so far: Meat’s character is vastly different, a much more multifaceted, dynamic, complete figure. We’ve also made other changes and cuts and restructured the show into a book musical, with dialogue; the original is all sung. I think we’ve made it a much more interesting story.”

Time, as always, will be the ultimate arbiter of fate.

[lamgrace1993]

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[tipsycad147]

Five hard truths about magick

Posted by Michelle Gruben on Mar 29, 2019

Of the many laws of magick, there are a few that you’ll never see on a T-shirt or affirmation board. Here, we’ll cover some of the tough stuff: The harsh, the unsettling, the ambiguous facts of living an enchanted life.

This article was inspired by some recent discussions of false positivity—that is, the habitual repetition of encouraging words and images. In short, false positivity means well, but it does harm by shutting down discussion of anything problematic. You can’t hide the truth forever—and when you try, it seeps out in sneaky and unexpected ways.

There are certain aspects of magick that are difficult to come to terms with. The purpose of airing them is not to discourage anyone from their path, but to counter some of the shallow advice and empty promises that the witchy blogosphere churns out.

It’s time for some straight talk about magick—some Swords to go with your Cups, some Rue with your Roses.

1. It's not for everybody.

Can anyone become a Witch? Any honest answer to this question is complicated. In some ways, yes—the magickal arts are open to all who seek them. In other ways, no. Some people lack the gifts, the learning—but most often, the dedication—to become effective practitioners of the Craft.

These two are the fundamental magickal skills: The ability to alter reality through will. And, the ability to perceive things beyond the normal senses. These experiences are part of our natural state of being. They are, in a sense, the birthright of every conscious creature.

Yet these abilities are constrained on our earthly plane and must be located and cultivated. You need a strong will to accomplish this. It takes repetition. It takes humility. It often requires help from others—partners, spirits, plants, disparate parts of self—whose cooperation you must earn.

In short, excelling in magick is just like excelling in business or music or athletics. Not every aspirant will have what it takes. Talent only gets you so far. Hard work isn’t always enough. Sometimes you do everything right and still don’t get the results you want.

It’s not easy. It’s not for everyone (or at least, not all of the time).

2. Real witchcraft isn't photogenic.

Thick black eyeliner, a bespoke cloak, moon tattoos, and a table full of Amethysts—that’s what magick is made of, right? Sure, if you believe the internet. Like so many other things, witchcraft has been co-opted in recent years by lifestyle bloggers and taste makers, advertisers and influences. Super-stylish, just-edgy-enough witchy pics go hand-in-hand with the idea that magick is a piece of cake.

What’s wrong with enjoying all these highly preformative images of witchcraft? Nothing! There’s no reason a person can’t be genuinely magickal and also extremely good at self-presentation. Visual art is a kind of magick, too. However, let’s not make the mistake of confusing Instagram witches with the real thing.

It’s even possible for personal magick and social media to work at cross-purposes. Oversharing violates the principle of magickal silence—the idea that talking about your workings can dilute or disperse their energy. People who endlessly photograph their working tools, altars, and ritual garments are arguably siphoning off some of their power for the sake of likes and followers.

Thinking back about the most powerful magick I’ve witnessed, much of it has been in the dark, among old or shabbily dressed people, with nary a smartphone in sight. The most eye-opening books I own are crappy dog-eared paperbacks that would look terrible in a tableau with a crystal pendant and a sprig of Rosemary. Pinterest offers no altar porn for the third eye…you’ll have to find those goodies on your own.

3. Magick is dangerous.

The Satanic Panic of the 1990s was in full swing when I first embarked on my magickal studies. The media often reported on the addiction, insanity, and death that were the obvious consequences of dabbling in the occult. Religious tracts and books warned against the dangers of “gateway” activities like drum circles and Harry Potter books. I used to hoard these writings and snicker at them. What a quaint idea—that devils stalk the earth, seeking the ruin of souls through Ouija boards and zodiac pendants!

With more experience, I see a grain of truth in those zealous warnings. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies out there, folks. Different magicians have different opinions about whether spirit entities have an external reality or only dwell within the mind of the magick worker. I can’t prove it either way, of course. But my own instinct says that entities are real, they have independent consciousness, and not all of them have your best interests in mind.

Not scared of spirits? Fine—let’s go to the energy model of magick. Playing with spiritual technologies—meditation, invocation, astral travel—can cause extreme and rapid shifts in your energy body. They can wreck your appetite and mess with your sex life. They can effect changes in your mood and sleep cycle that will disrupt every aspect of your daily existence.

Other hazards of the occult are more pedestrian: You can become arrogant (common!). You can turn into a colossal bore who only talks to plants (and even the plants wish you would shut up). You can invite the scorn of people who don’t approve of your path, people who formerly respected you. It’s hard to keep your spiritual and mundane lives in balance—but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to make magick a lifelong quest.

Anything worthwhile carries some risk. With magick, we are talking about nothing less than the rapid evolution of the soul…so it only makes sense than the risks would be commensurate with the reward. Only you can weigh the dangers and decide if it’s worth doing. (See #1: It’s not for everybody.)

4. You (probably) need tools for effective spellwork.

“Cast spells without tools!”

“The secret of mental magick!”

“Advanced witchcraft!”

There’s a whole slew of authors and teachers offering instruction in tool-less spellcraft. And yeah, technically they’re correct: The only tool you really need is your focused, unadulterated Will.

But therein lies the problem. How many of us actually possess a focused, unadulterated Will? We’re human! Our thoughts are always mixed with distractions, mental noise, memories, and misgivings. Magick without tools is theoretically do-able…but in practice, it’s rarely as effective.

It’s true that intention is the most important component in spellwork. It’s true, also, that the more practised you become with certain skills (visualisation and trance induction), the less you tend to rely on the externals. However…

Magickal tools—and I’m not just saying this as a shop owner—tools play a very important role. Several roles, actually. That’s why Witches—yes, even “advanced” ones, have employed them for centuries.

What do tools accomplish that thoughts alone do not? Here’s a sampling:

1. Anchoring: Tools link your intention in the physical plane (which is where you want the results to manifest, right?) Most magick spells can be conceived as a kind of cycle—from earthly need to thought/will and back to physical action. Tools complete the loop by grounding your petition in the present time and place.

2. Distraction: Tools subvert the less-magickal parts of the brain (mental chatter, worries, skepticism) by engaging the older, more primal parts. Tying knots, lighting incense, and dressing candles are all classic ways to activate spells. You could say these actions let your magickal self do its work by keeping the mind and body busy.

3. Correspondence: Spell ingredients like herbs and candles contribute allied energies to your spell. The magickal brain is both literal and sensual. To a person who is very familiar with lemons, the thought of a lemon is enough to invoke Solar energy. But if you have an actual lemon—bright and yellow and soaked in the summer sun—that’s better, you know? I refer to Randall Garrett’s maxim: “The best symbol for a sharp knife is a sharp knife.”

4. Effort: The extra work of using tools is a gatekeeper that separates the worthy spells from the unworthy ones. When you go through the trouble to acquire and prepare materials, you’re signalling to your unconscious that this spell actually matters—and that will generally translate to better results.

Magickal tools don’t have to be complicated, and they don’t have to be expensive. (See our list of cheap and free witchcraft tools.) A candle and some oil. A pen and a piece of paper. Keep it focused: An over-encumbered spell is just as a bad as a flimsy one.

Unless you are a super-adept—like, the kind of master that comes along once in a zillion years—you probably can’t just speak or dream your desires into being. Spells without tools are more akin to…wishes. It’s fun to make a wish, but they usually don’t come true on their own.

5. There are no experts.

“We’re all apprentices in a craft where no one becomes a master.” Ernest Hemingway was referring to writing, but the same can certainly be said of the metaphysical arts.

Magick is a vast and mysterious topic. There’s a natural instinct to look up to people who have been at it longer than you, or who seem to be more sure of themselves. But while some people are objectively more accomplished, there’s nobody who’s got it all figured out. We are all grappling with the inexplicable mystery of consciousness. We are all grasping at forms we can’t possibly see the shape of.

It’s scary to realise that everybody else is basically flying blind. But it’s liberating, too. When you stop relying on others to show you the way, you can begin to truly explore your own power.

And there you have it...five tough nuggets. I don't expect that this will become one of my most popular blog posts ever, but I'm happy that I published it. What are your hard-won magickal truths? Share with other readers in the comments!

https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/five-hard-truths-about-magick

[cosmosogler]

woke up super late again. i completely wiped myself out yesterday. i had dreams that i wanted to talk about while i was having them but i didn’t remember them after i woke up. just that i wanted to talk about them. so that left me in a fine pickle.

cat adoption will be on saturday. the animal services shelter does not hold animals so it’s all same-day adoption stuff. 

today we did some shopping and i checked in with the counseling department and stuff and got their contact info. we got back to the room around 3:30 and i forced myself to mostly lay down and chill out for the whole afternoon. it was storming anyway, being out and about would have been miserable and loud with the thunder. now it’s 11!!!!

mom and i had dinner at the hotel again. we talked about the dogs the whole time. i do really miss eve. i wish she could have seen the ocean even if she wouldn’t have liked it very much. traveling more than a day trip would be too hard for her now. heck, bringing her up to sedona which is an hour’s drive would be too hard, especially this time of year when it’s so hot. with animals i always feel like i need to cram just one more adventure into their short lives... maybe with an old cat she’ll just want a warm lap to sit in. i can provide that for her at least.

tomorrow i’m finishing up all/most of my hiring stuff and we’ll do one more round of shopping for things we remembered over the last two days. like actual glass cups for my kitchen and not just two plastic ones. feels weird to do... house stuff. i’m still getting used to it.

i can tell i’m too tired and too stressed because my brain goes weird places when i’m not keeping myself super occupied. death places. being in mother’s presence at all times is absolutely exhausting. i have not been more than ten feet away from her for more than five minutes at a time in six days now. her comments on my weight and appetite and diet are fraying my nerves. 

like all her congratulations on how much weight i’ve lost due to my serious gallbladder issues is ALWAYS accompanied by a warning about “stuffing myself” and gaining it back. when my appetite flags during mealtimes mom tries to get me to stop eating, even when i can tell that i did not eat enough food to get me to the next meal. she says i have more energy not because i’m eating more, but because i’m “lighter.”

while at the store today my stitches started really hurting. i have to take it easy physically until saturday. or friday depending on what the apartment complex says about signing my lease early.

i can tell i am very worried about starting grad school because i just haven’t been doing anything i need to do tonight. i haven’t checked my email other than when we got back to the room like seven hours ago. i haven’t looked at my welcome packet or employment paperwork or campus safety work or the orientation schedule or the bus routes. kinda freaked out by the prospect. kinda suspicious that i will get four days into orientation and then get kicked out when it comes time to actually do some physics. i know i’m not ready. i haven’t prepared. because being stressed makes me avoid the thing that stresses me out i guess? instead of eliminating the stress by preparing better or taking care of the problem?? i don’t understand why my brain isn’t using logic for motivation here.

mother keeps suggesting new hobbies for me to pick up. like collecting clothespin magnets and painting them. i don’t understand why when i express interest in something mom reminds me that “if you’re putting your full effort into grad school you won’t have time for that” but if i completely ignore something she turns it into a time-consuming and expensive hobby suggestion for me to potentially spend all my free time on.

today she also did that thing where i’ll be talking to someone else and she’ll interrupt me to say something she thinks i “forgot” to say, but either had decided not to say or am literally halfway through saying it. like ordering food! 

there’s also been a lot of asking me a question, then when i answer asking it again impatiently. or i’ll answer a question and she’ll start giving other options after i’ve made a decision. or she’ll complain about being lost (and blame me for not giving her good directions) less than a second before the road sign becomes visible. that happens like clockwork.

i dunno. i guess that when i have beef with one parent my view toward the other becomes “softer” somehow, like “oh, since dad grabbed me in the dark and has refused to apologize for over a month, mom can’t be THAT bad!” but that line of thinking gets me nowhere. what dad does has no bearing on what mom does except when she tries to get me to “understand” his point of view better. i’ve had to catch the train of thought and remind myself multiple times that just because dad became worse (more threatening, more physically dangerous) than mom doesn’t mean mom isn’t just as bad (more exhausting, more emotionally taxing) as always. i guess it feels like she’s easier to deal with because i am familiar ENOUGH with her thought patterns that i can navigate conversations with her and selectively shut down topics so that we don’t argue a lot. she just says really passive aggressive stuff and i have to deal with that. but not arguing much.

dad became... harder to read very suddenly. like i realized the things i had thought were wrong and that put me in very unfamiliar territory with him. unfamiliar territory, especially dark dangerous waters like “is he going to physically hurt me or not,” is horrible for me and i hate dealing with it. i deal with it by cutting it off. by comparison mother seems downright friendly, even though i know in my heart that she is not. my brain just wants so badly to relax. my brain wants to start gushing about things i like with people who (might, sometimes) listen. there is nothing that the stupid social comedian side of me finds more appealing than a captive audience. and it gets me into trouble always, all the time, forever.

mom likes the adventure zone. for now. i have been feigning ignorance about some of the later stuff. like all the gay that gets everywhere. mom will drop that series like it’s hot if/when she gets to it. but if i pretend i went into the story completely blind, instead of mostly blind, i can pretend i didn’t know and thus she can’t be mad at me about it. then i can love it, and love the gay, quietly in peace and she can’t do nothin about it.

but at least, in the meantime, since i have kept quiet about what i actually know and hopefully my ignorance is convincing, we had something to listen to in the car together and that time was spent not arguing. i have to try to enjoy the not-arguing without letting my guard for potential arguing down.

feigning closeness by only talking about a few pre-approved topics and in approved ways is exhausting. i do it with new friends too. even with old friends! micromanage the way i compose myself in my relationships. it’s not a good time. but it’s the only way i know how to do it. maybe that’s bad. i think that might have been what my outpatient therapist at the hospital was getting at. the walls i put up, the weird boundaries that are either too distant or not there at all. 

sometimes i think about the characters i relate to most. i wonder if people view me the way they view those characters, if maybe it’s more frustrating in person, if i hurt them the way those characters hurt their friends. i wonder if they like and care about me the way those characters’ friends like and care about them, the way fans talk about those characters. 

probably not.

i think about the differences between the person i am and the person i want to be. and how frustrating it is to hit those weird walls where i am not the person i want to be, and i can’t be, unless i practice at it a whole lot and throw some safety out the window. my living space is cluttered with safety. at what point did i collect all this goopy, gunky, sticky safety? what’s getting out of your comfort zone, and what’s straight up dangerous? safety says those two are the same thing and that makes it hard to move forward.

it’s easier to take pets on adventures than it is to take myself on adventures. 

that’s a weird mishmash though. not quite an accurate comparison. i do feel safer going on adventures with a pet though. that way i’m not alone. 

[likeateatray-inthesky]

Hands of the Pallbearer || Pal Flashback

As far as memorial arrangements went, the ones for Samuel Upton’s were a bit unorganised. Not for lack of trying, it was just hard to find a time in which everyone could be there to pay their respects. The burial had been just Malinda’s parents, she couldn’t bring herself to stay long enough and went back to Hogwarts for the break, and the rest of her siblings had been God knows where. No one had heard from her sister still, and Malinda was fairly certain she was going to bail on the whole thing.

The only light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, through all of this had been PJ’s support. And he was willing to be there for her for the memorial. As much as Malinda frowned upon the idea that her sister might bail on the memorial, she knew she would probably be doing the same thing if it wasn’t for PJ agreeing to come with her.

Malinda looked up at the house that she’d left not that long ago, but she didn’t see her home. It didn’t feel the same now, but she could see in the windows, people bustling about and getting ready for the day. She reached a hand out toward PJ’s to have something to anchor her down to reality. A reminder that he was there for her. “Thank you again,” she said softly, as she looked over at him, smiling a bit. “And I’m sorry for literally everything that happens from this moment on. If you think I’m a handful,” she said dryly, turning her attention to the door before them and turning the knob, pushing it open and was immediately greeted with the smell of the smorgasbord that her parents were preparing for after the service. How anyone could have an appetite on this day, she didn’t understand. “Welcome to the Upton household,” she said grimly as she stepped across the threshold.

PJ felt awkward walking up to Malinda’s house for the memorial service of a boy he hadn’t even known. Though, to be perfectly fair, PJ would have felt awkward no matter what circumstances he was walking up to Malinda’s house under. He lived his whole life in various states of awkwardness, this was just… another level of awkward because PJ didn’t entirely feel like he should be here. Memorials were for people who had known the deceased. But Malinda had asked him to come with her and he hadn’t been able to say no. She needed someone to be there with her and PJ was more than willing to do so. More than that, he was happy to do it. His feelings didn’t matter. What mattered was that Malinda needed him. Looking up at the exterior of the house, PJ found himself with one word to describe it: cozy. It was a far cry from the suburban dream house he’d grown up in. There was a hole in the railing, the lawn was less than perfectly manicured, and from the glimpse he caught through one of the windows the interior had signs of actual human life within it not just carefully selected decor items. It was the sort of house you had no trouble believing someone had grown up in.

Malinda’s hand reached out for his and PJ made no move to escape. He was trying to be better about that, at least when it came to his friends. Somehow, with Malinda, it wasn’t such a challenge. PJ very much doubted that anything would happen that Malinda needed to apologize for, but he didn’t say anything to that effect. Instead, he simply followed Malinda across the threshold, immediately bombarded with the scents of what PJ could only assume was a feast with how many different dishes he could pick out by their smells. Now that he was inside, PJ saw that he was right, the house was definetly one in which actual peopled lived. It only made him like the place more, despite the reason he was seeing it today. “It’s nice,” he said quietly, so as not to draw attention to himself just yet. Though he got the feeling that would happen sooner rather than later no matter how quiet he was.

Usually, Malinda enjoyed coming home. It was her place to relax and unwind and spend some quality time with her thoughts and her family. She knew she had it pretty good, with both parents still around and in a happy marriage to boot, siblings that would do anything for her and each other, and a comfortable family income so she never really went without. But she couldn’t help but grimace when she was around them. They were all just so loud, and today was no exception. She heard voices but didn’t really pay attention to the words. Her brother and her dad were arguing about something probably related to the Ministry, where they both worked. Her mom and her other brother were arguing in the kitchen, and still there was no sign of Elaine. She pause to glance at the pile of shoes near the door that had been unceremoniously kicked off then to her feet before shrugging and continuing on, not bothering with her shoes when they were going to be leaving soon.

Sighing softly, she lead the way from the entrance hall into the living room which gave a clear shot straight back to the kitchen and dining spaces, waving at everyone when they turned to see who’d come in. Various other people she didn’t really know and assumed were Sammy’s friends milled about, along with some other more distant relatives. She hadn’t heard them at first over her own boisterous family’s voices.

“Mallyumpkin!” her father greeted with a wide grin, nearly barrelling over everyone in order to pull her into a giant hug, ripping her hand from PJ’s as he lifted her off the ground. “Oh we’re so glad you could come, we worried they wouldn’t let you out for the weekend.” Malinda would have said something, but she was struggling to breathe, and instead gave a weak nod and smacked his side a few times until he let go. “Yeah, they don’t usually seem to have a problem with it when it’s a family emergency,” she agreed with a weak smile before looking over at PJ and continuing, “Dad, this is PJ. He’s the friend I told you about. Peej, this is my dad, Joseph.” Immediately, Joseph made to hug PJ as well, and she placed a hand on her dad’s arm in warning. She’d attempted to casually explain that he wasn’t one for physical affection, knowing her family would quickly overwhelm him if she didn’t. The gently reminder worked, though, and instead he stuck out a hand. “Welcome. I’m sorry we couldn’t meet under better terms, but it’s a really great thing you’re doing for my Mallykins,” Joseph said gruffly, and she could see him starting to get misty-eyed, which only made her roll her eyes and pipe up with, “Dad, maybe you ought to go help Mom in the kitchen? Looks like she could use a hand.” She knew that if she didn’t stop his emotions in their tracks, they’d get the better of him, and the day was already messy and emotional enough. Joseph nodded in agreement after glancing over his shoulder and seeing that her mom and brother had once again started arguing and said a quick “thank you again” before making his way over to break up whatever fight was going on in the kitchen. Malinda turned to PJ with an apologetic look. “We’re kind of all huggers, I’m sorry. They’re a little…much sometimes.” At least now he knew where she got it from.

As Malinda led the way through the house, PJ couldn’t help but keep looking at all the trophies and bits of artwork he could only assume had been made by either Malinda or one of her siblings. Of course, he took the time out to give polite nods of greeting to the other people milling about, but mostly he was lost in piecing together the kind of family that had made this place their home. Other than the cursory details, PJ didn’t know much about Malinda’s family. Though, he’d probably be learning a lot more today.

Though the loud exclamation was an exuberant one, PJ still found himself flinching a bit at the eruption of sound. He quickly got over that, though, smiling in his usual small way to see a father who, you know, actually loved his kids. It was heartwarming to be reminded that those existed someplace other than story books. PJ stepped just a bit closer as he was introduced, quickly noting the signs of an oncoming hug and almost stepping back again before he was saved by Malinda. PJ was grateful for that. He was trying to be better about that whole issue but had not yet gotten to the point of hugs from strangers he was just meeting. PJ was glad to shake hands instead, giving a quiet “Nice to meet you, sir,” in response to Joseph’s welcome before Malinda steered him off toward what sounded like an argument in the kitchen. So, maybe it wasn’t perfect, but PJ was hardly seeing the Uptons at their best so he could forgive an argument or two. Looking back at Malinda and seeing that apologetic look, PJ let out something that was almost a chuckle as he shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said. He knew where she got it from now, that was for sure. “Honestly it’s… really nice to see a family that…” PJ paused a moment, trying to find the right words because saying ‘that love each other’ didn’t feel like the sort of thing you should say. “That are, uhm… so welcoming.”

As Malinda listened to PJ, she started smiling again. She knew she was pretty lucky with her family. “Yeah, they’re pretty great, even if we are a train wreck,” she agreed, nodding a bit. She looked around the room again, meaning to introduce him to Daniel next, but her oldest brother was off talking to someone else, and it looked like they were kind of in a deep conversation. “That one over there. He’s the really tall one, kinda looks like an overanimated puppy,” she started, pointing him out anyway for PJ in case they spoke later, “that one is Daniel, he’s my oldest brother, he’s an auror. So you know, if you need help or anything, you can bug him,” she joked. Next, she gestured over to the kitchen. “My mom and Ren are in there, they’re the ones arguing about Merlin knows what,” she said, shaking her head a bit. “Ren picks fights with everyone, usually about nothing important, I think he does it just because he can. And he likes to see people become super exasperated. So if he starts disagreeing with you over nothing, just ignore him. That’s what I do.” She gave him a bit of a smirk and a shrug. “My mom’s muggle, but you know that already. She owns her own shop, does pottery and makes some pretty kick-ass teapots. Her name is Aleena.”

She looked around again, wondering where her sister was. “Elaine should be here…” she said with a furrowed brow, worry clear on her face. “She’s my older sister, but no one has been able to get ahold of her,” she said softly, shaking her head a little. It didn’t make any sense. She couldn’t blame her for not wanting to go to the memorial, if that was the case, but to not even come home was out of character.

“Alright, everyone!” came Aleena’s voice, snapping Malinda out of her worried haze and back to reality, and she gently held onto PJ’s sleeve, a little worried about holding his hand too much and not wanting to make him uncomfortable. “Time to head out,” her mother continued, “we’re not far from the cemetery, it’s about a quarter mile, so I figure we’d all pile into cars and head down there.” Malinda nodded and gently nudged PJ. “We can apparate instead if you want, the cars are mostly for Sammy’s friends, they’re all muggles. He went to a muggle school,” she explained. “I just figured you wouldn’t be all that into being shoved into a car with five other people.”

She said train wreck, but PJ had yet to see anything about Malinda’s family that resembled a locomotive leaving the rails. True, he had not seen much of them, but the first impression was good and they were Mal’s family. PJ was willing to have a little bit of faith. As Malinda pointed out the members of her family, PJ dutifully noted who was who and put the names to faces as best as he could. The little tidbits that she shared about them were interesting. PJ wouldn’t be bothering the brother that was an auror, at least not for anything related to his job. With two aurors already basically making it their personal mission to help him and his family out PJ felt like that area of his life was pretty well covered. The other brother, the one that picked fights, would hopefully not be too hard to handle. PJ had grown up with a few people like that. At least today he had Malinda on his side. But PJ couldn’t help smiling at Malinda’s description of her mother. Kick-ass teapots sounded like something he would have to see before they left here today.

PJ saw the worry on Malinda’s face and grew worried himself. He knew it was silly, not knowing anything at all about Malinda’s sister, to jump to all the worse conclusions but PJ had never actually been able to help that. It was just how his mind worked. Especially when phrases like 'no one has been able to get ahold of her’ were tossed around. He wanted to say something hopeful… try and reassure Malinda that there was probably nothing to worry about. But he wasnt quick enough in thinking of what to say and Malinda’s mother snapped them all to attention.

At the suggestion of apparating to the cemetary PJ’s left hand twitched and he brought his hands together in his signature move of nervousness, though the gesture was a bit lopsided as he tried not to move so much that Malinda was forced to let go of his sleeve. His fingers ghosted over the stub of a pinky that had been the result of his last venture in apparition. It was stupid, being scared of something that was so simple. He knew he’d only splinched himself because he’d been scared. There was no reason it would happen today but… Well, when had logic ever kept PJ’s nervousness at bay? “Uhm, I… I don’t mind riding in a car,” PJ said, refusing to look Malinda in the eye for a moment because it felt too much like saying he didn’t trust her to get them there when that wasn’t the case at all. “It’s… not that long a ride. I… I’ll be fine.”

Malinda paid close enough attention to her friend, even through her grief haze and lack of sleep to know there had been something up with him after break, and she expected some of regression and nervousness around things. So she wasn’t offended when he decided being in a car wasn’t the worst decision. Besides, it wasn’t like she was a champ at apparating anyway, she nearly always got sick afterwards. But she didn’t get splinched anymore, so there was that.

She nodded her head at his decision and led the way out to the cars, staking claim on the two captains seats in the front back row of her mother’s minivan for herself and PJ, assuming he didn’t want to be crammed into the back seat with her brothers. She got buckled, and couldn’t help but trip Ren with her foot as he pushed past her into the back seat, actually giggling a little as he toppled into the seats ungracefully. “Was that really necessary?” he snapped at her, scowling as he situated himself and fixed his shirt. “Hey, not my fault your big feet tripped over me,” she responded with a grin. It faded, though, when Daniel followed behind him and smacked Malinda on the back of the head as he passed her. “Knock it off you two.” Malinda rolled her eyes and looked back at PJ, opening her mouth to ask him a question when Ren’s arm stuck out in front of her, effectively cutting her off. “Hey, I’m Ren. We haven’t met,” he stated, holding his hand out for PJ to shake. “It’s about time Mallykins here brought a boy home to meet the family,” he continued, shooting Malinda a smirk and an eyebrow waggle. Immediately, Malinda’s face turned beet red, and she opened her mouth to protest, ready to knock some sense into her brother when her parents got into the van and shot a look back at their children as though daring them to start a fight at Sam’s memorial. The two of them quickly snapped out of it and sunk back into their seats, though Malinda shot PJ an apologetic look, her face still bright red, mouthing a quick “I’m sorry,” as the car took off down the road.

The drive was quick, and everyone piled out of the cars just as quickly as they got in them. There was a large cemetery all around them, and it made Malinda antsy. Up until now, she could trick herself into believing that it all was a bad dream or a cruel joke, but now that she was standing just yards from her brother’s headstone, it finally hit her just how real it all was. As her parents headed the group that made their way over to gather around Sammy’s grave, Malinda stayed a little bit back. In the pocket of her coat was a folded piece of paper, and she fiddled with it nervously. She was expected to speak, to say something about her brother, “he would have wanted it,” her family told her. How could they know what he would have wanted, though? For a minute she stood there, watching everyone else gather around and console each other, and she felt her stomach turn. There was no way she could do this.

PJ let out a tiny sigh of relief when Malinda simply nodded and led the way out to the cars. Not that he had expected Malinda to have any problems with the decision, it was just… well, PJ had been a little wary of it he supposed. It was sometimes difficult to remember that his friends, Malinda more than most, actually respected his opinions and wishes. Of course Malinda didn’t have a problem with going by car. It was stupid to think that she would have.

He was glad that Malinda managed to claim the middle row for the two of them. PJ could have tolerated being snuggly sat between Malinda’s brothers for the duration of the ride, but that did not mean he wasn’t relieved not to have to. The antics going on beside him were impossible to ignore as he buckled himself into the seat. PJ watched, silently enjoying this glimpse of Malinda in a different light than he normally saw her. She even laughed. PJ hadn’t heard her laugh in a while now, it was good to hear. Great, even. PJ shook the hand that had been stuck out between himself and Malinda but the gesture was quickly derailed by Ren’s statement. In what was possibly the worst involuntary reaction that could happen to disprove what had been implied, PJ’s face joined Malinda’s in becoming an embarassing shade of red. “I-it’s not… we… aren’t… we’re just friends,” PJ stammered quietly as he avoided looking at anyone for a moment before glancing toward Malinda and seeing her looking ready to jump into the back row and pummel her brother. Thankfully, the situation was diffused when Mr. and Mrs. Upton got into the car. At Malinda’s silent apology, all PJ could do was give a non-commital shrug and hope that for once she would accept the 'it’s fine’ that it was intended to represent. 

As PJ had been counting on, the ride was brief and soon enough they were all out of the cars. The cemetery was rather large, and PJ took a moment to simply look out at all those graves. PJ hadn’t been to a graveyard in a long time. The last time would have been the funeral of his paternal grandparents when he was a child and in the years since he and his father had made no real effort to visit their grave for any occasion, not even the common ones like Mother’s and Father’s days. But he remembered the eerie feeling of being surrounded by all those plots, full of dead people. It felt like tresspassing… like the spirits of the dead that had been laid to rest would tell him off for stepping too close to their little spot of earth. Stupid, really. Even if there were ghosts that hung around here they probably had much better things to do with their afterlives than tell someone off for stepping on the grass above where their mortal body had been buried. PJ stayed by Malinda’s side as they made their way over to her brother’s grave and he couldn’t help noticing that she was not looking very well. Of course, she wouldn’t be, this was her brother’s funeral. But it wasn’t the expected sort of not-well. Less grief and more… ill. And, well, PJ had experience with a nervous stomach. Gently, he reached for Malinda’s hand and said very quietly so only she could hear, “I think… he got the best view in the whole place.” It sounded ridiculous, yes, but PJ was going for distraction. Consolation seemed like it would be equally as ridiculous and more unhelpful. “Those trees over there’ll be amazing when autumn comes and the colors change.”

At first, PJ’s touch startled Malinda, making her jump a little as it pulled her from her thoughts. She wrapped her hand around his firmly, using him as an anchor to keep her head in there’re and now. His words brought a sad smile to her face but a smile nonetheless, and she nodded her agreement. The trees would look really nice during autumn and his plot was in a good area. It was quiet and pretty, which Malinda thought was a good choice. The distraction settled her stomach, though, and she could focus on what was happening. First her parents spoke, then her older brother, and not before long, Malinda was given a pointed look and a gesture to head up in front of everyone.

Reluctantly, she let go of PJ’s hand and went to take her place, pulling the folded paper from her pocket and looking down to read the words once it was unfolded. The more she stared at what she had written, though, the more she realised it sounded robotic and entirely out of touch. She crumpled the paper up and put it back in her pocket before looking up at the faces in front of her. “Samuel Upton was my person. He was the person I would call if I needed someone to help me bury a body or buy me a kidney on the black market. To most people, he was quiet or awkward, socially inept maybe. To me, and I’m sure to most of you, he was more. We saw more in him.” She cleared her throat a bit and squared her shoulders. “Sammy was something to each of us. A friend, a pupil, a brother, a son. And what he was to us cannot be put into words, no matter how hard we try.” She nodded her head and made to step away and back to her spot, pausing only a moment when she saw that Elaine had finally joined them.

During Malinda’s pathetic excuse of a speech, Elaine walked up the path as silently as she could and rested an arm on the shoulder nearest to her, which happened to be PJ’s. She scoffed at her younger sister’s words and took a drink from what looked to be a juice box with the label carefully covered by her hand. “And here I thought she was better with words than the rest of us,” she whispered as Malinda started making her way back. Elaine’s breath reeked of alcohol, and the smell of marijuana swirled in the air as she shook her hair out. When she finally looked at the person she was talking to, she frowned, looking confused. “Wait. Who the hell are you?”

At this point, Malinda had made it back to them and people were listening to some priest or pastor or reverend rattle off some bible verse and prayer, Malinda wasn’t really paying attention. She pulled her sister into a tight hug and almost gagged on the smell coming from her. “I can’t believe you came. I thought you were going to duck out completely.” Her voice was hushed as spoke, nothing more than a whisper to avoid attracting attention and being rude.

Malinda smiled, and PJ took that as a sign he’d accomplished what he’d meant to accomplish. That was, after all, the whole reason he was here - to support Malinda during all of this and to do what he could to keep her from freaking out. The service properly began, and PJ listened to Malinda’s parents and older brother as they spoke about Sammy. Though he hadn’t known the boy, PJ couldn’t help blinking back a couple of tears brought on by the sentiments being shared. And then, it was Malinda’s turn.

PJ gave her an encouraging smile as she went to take her place before everyone gathered, hoping to convey that he knew she could do this and that he knew whatever she had to say would be wonderful. And it was. He’d noticed her crumple up the paper that had her original speech written on it and knew that what Malinda said was probably entirely off the cuff. However, PJ was distracted from really paying attention as someone walked up from behind him and rested their arm on his shoulder. That alone was enough to knot PJ’s stomach up and cause his whole body to tense but then his nose picked up on the smell of marijuana and, maybe it was the fact he was at a funeral, but PJ couldn’t help being reminded of his former roommate who had died just a little over a year ago. He and Mike hadn’t exactly been close, but his death had still affected PJ a great deal. When the stranger spoke, PJ wasn’t quite able to pay attention to her words as the smell of alcohol mixed with the smell of the drugs.

When Malinda showed up at the very instant he would have been expected to give the stranger an answer to her question, PJ could not have been more grateful. He was only more grateful when Malinda pulled the other girl into a hug, and he was able to quietly slip from under her arm and take a step away. He had stopped paying attention to the funeral altogether in favor of focusing on Malinda and the girl she was hugging, who he guessed was probably her sister, and hoping that the people bowing their heads in prayer around them would not notice the fact that the three of them weren’t joining in.

Elaine held onto Malinda like her little sister was all that was keeping her upright, and honestly, she might have been. Malinda could smell every bit of intoxication on her, and while she was accustomed to alcohol and pot being like a light perfume on her sister, today it was entirely too overpowering. “I didn’t want to come,” Elaine started in the same hushed tone, “who wants to see their brother’s grave? Not me, that’s who,” she continued, shaking her head vigorously. Malinda gave her a sad sort of smile and brushed her hair back from her sister’s face, trying to get a better look at her to see just how trashed she was. The answer was a lot, but manageable. She’d seen her in worse states. Carefully, Malinda took a moment to wipe the eyeliner from under Elaine’s eyes, hoping it would help make her more presentable before turning back to PJ with another apologetic look.

“Hey, sissy? I want you to meet someone,” she started, an arm around Elaine’s waist in support as she turned toward PJ. Her voice was still hushed, but it looked like people were starting to duck out and leave, most of them crying like she wanted to but couldn’t. “This is my friend, PJ. He’s the one I’ve told you about remember?” Malinda said with a smile, and Elaine looked as though she was trying to sober herself up for an actual conversation as she stuck her hand out to shake his. “Pleasure to meetcha, Peej,” she said, a little less slurry than before. “That makes a lot more sense now, I’m sorry about earlier, I thought you were someone I knew.”

Malinda shook her head at her sister, and while she knew there was a very large chance Elaine was going to make a fool of herself that day, she was determined to try and keep her in line. It was the least she could do after everything Elaine had done for her growing up. “Hey, why don’t you go see our brothers, I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you?” Mal suggested with a smile, turning her in their direction. They were better at sobering her up anyway, and she wanted to try to pay attention to the rest of the memorial. One of his friends was the last one to talk, the kid he’d been with the night he’d gone into the hospital, and while Malinda wanted nothing more than to sucker punch the snot-nosed brat, he was Sam’s best friend, and deserved to say something. She just hoped it’d be an apology.

Elaine nodded her head in agreement and went to find their brothers, both of which were just as surprised as Malinda that she had shown up at all. “I’m sorry about her, she’s…not good at the whole sadness thing. It doesn’t really exist in her world. Or at least, that’s what she tells herself,” she said quietly to PJ as she turned her gaze back up to the speaker. “We really didn’t think she was going to show up at all. This is definitely more sober than I thought she’d be, though.”

As soon as it was clear that Malinda meant to introduce him to her sister, PJ straightened up and tried to look less awkward. He had a feeling he didn’t quite manage it but he at least gots as far as shaking Elaine’s hand, quietly saying “It’s fine” as he did so. It had been an honest mistake. This was her brother’s funeral, after all, it would make more sense for the person arbitrarily chosen as Elaine’s arm rest to be someone she knew than for it to have been someone she didn’t. Even still, PJ couldn’t help feeling a little bit relieved when Malinda sent her sister off to her brothers. Sure, Elaine was nice enough, but PJ had never been great dealing with people under the influence.

PJ paid far less attention to the person speaking now as Malinda spoke to him. “It really is fine,” he said, knowing that his choice of word had probably triggered some disbelief in his friend. It was fine. Fine enough, anyway. “People cope in… different ways.” Some people pretended that sadness didn’t exist and did everything they could to reach that state of mind. Others tried to bottle every single one of their emotions up until they could sneak away to a secluded corner to read some poetry and cry. “It’s good, though… that she came. Even if she’s… well, it’s important. To be together, I mean… to remember that you’re not… dealing with this alone.”

At this point, Malinda was only half paying attention to what was happening in the memorial and half paying attention to PJ’s reassurance. She nodded her head distractedly in agreement. Part of her was thankful for all the distractions, while the other part felt guilty for not being as fully devoted to the occasion as others seemed to be. The war in her head brought back the sick feeling again, and she had to clench her jaw and breathe deeply to try and get it to go away. Just one last person, and she could go back home. She just had to make it through one last person.

Sam’s friend stepped up to speak, and Malinda visibly snapped to attention, her gaze trained on him like she was eyeing up the enemy. In a way, he was, at least to her. If she couldn’t be there for her brother, who was her responsibility, his best friend should have been there instead. But he was the person Malinda blamed for everything since she didn’t want to blame just herself anymore. Not once in his speech did he apologise for taking her brother to that party, not once did he admit that maybe they had been reckless and dumb, and it made Malinda angry. He told jokes to try and ease everyone’s pain, make them laugh and remember the type of person Samuel was, but Malinda didn’t laugh. Her hands clenched into tight fists at her sides and then flexed, trying to push back the urge to stomp up there and punch his laughing face. “I’d like to leave,” she finally managed to get out, her voice low and clearly betraying her emotions despite her trying to keep it level and monotone. “I’d like to walk back home,” she tried again, only a slight bit better. She didn’t really wait for a response, only giving him a moment to react before turning on her heel and trying to look as casual as she could as she walked away. Her parents would probably wonder what happened and would want to make sure she was okay, but she needed to get out before she made a scene.

As she walked, she could feel her stomach start turning again from the guilt and the anger boiling over, and it didn’t take much longer before she needed to dart to the nearest tree for support as she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the ground. Her entire body shook, partly from how much her muscles had been flexing in an attempt to hold everything back, partly because she really didn’t have a whole lot in her in the first place to get rid of. Thankfully, she was just barely out of the cemetery and didn’t need to be worried if she’d accidentally just thrown up on someone’s plot. Malinda tried to hold herself up, but with her shaking legs, she wasn’t really sure how much walking she’d be able to do, and she half slid, half fell to the ground, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face as the tears that she thought she’d cried out weeks before came pouring out.

Seeing Malinda’s attention snap over to the next person who stepped up to give a few words, PJ turned to see who it was. He hadn’t expected to know them, and he didn’t. It was a boy he’d never met, apparently Samuel’s best friend, who’s speech took a light tone. Almost hopeful. The jokes were obviously meant to bring a little levity to the occasion, ease the pain of the loss everyone gathered had felt. And it seemed to be working… for the most part. PJ could practically feel the anger coming off of Malinda in waves. Where before she had been distracted and had looked a bit ill, Malinda now had become angry. PJ could hear it in her voice, see it in the way that her fists clenched and flexed. It worried him.

But then, she said that she wanted to leave and PJ couldn’t exactly argue. He had thought it might be best to duck out when Malinda looked like she was about to puke - in his experience nausea caused by stress could only really be muscled through once you got away from he stressful situation - but now he was even more convinced that the best bet would be to make an exit. “Yeah, ok,” PJ nodded, following right behind Malinda as she beelined away from her brother’s final resting place. He didn’t mind that she hadn’t really waited for him. He didn’t mind at all. Clearly something he didn’t quite understand was happening and he was fine just following Malinda’s lead.

A flash of panic flooded PJ’s mind when Malinda swerved toward a nearby tree but, perhaps strangely, that panic subsided when he saw what had caused her detour. It wasn’t pretty, but puking was better than suddenly becoming faint. PJ gave her some space, only approaching after Malinda had slid to the ground and started crying. It would seem that their walk back to her home would have to be postponed for a bit. Quietly, PJ lowered himself down beside Malinda. He didn’t have words for this. There were none that would help, he knew that. Gently PJ reached and put one arm around Malinda’s shoulders, pulling her into something of a half hug as they sat there.

The last thing Malinda wanted to do was be sick and start crying again, and she certainly didn’t want to be doing them at the same time, and even worse, it was happening in front of PJ. It was a dumb thing to be worried about, deep down she knew that, but here she was, still worrying.

As soon as she felt PJ’s arm around her, she curled into him, trying not to cry on him but craving the comfort he offered. She wiped her face with the sleeves of the light coat she was wearing rather aggressively, as though wiping them as they fell would magically stop them from altogether. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to choke out, shaking her head against his shoulder and sniffling. “I thought…I thought I could do it. I thought it would be fine, I’m sorry,” she continued, though she honestly had no idea who she was apologising to. Herself? PJ? Sammy? She couldn’t answer that question. Maybe it was all of them.

She heard more than saw the cars file out of the cemetery and go back in the direction of Malinda’s parents house, but she made no move to start walking again. Instead, she curled further in on herself, though the sobs had turned more into silent tears at this point, and she just wanted them to stop. She felt awful. She felt sick and she felt devastated, like this whole day had reopened the wound she’d carefully stitched up, and she felt bad that she’d dragged PJ along with her to this thing that she almost wished she hadn’t gone to in the first place, and she felt even more awful about the fact that part of her wished she’d never gone to the memorial.

It never got any less weird, watching his friends do the things he normally did. The role reversals were just something that was going to happen now it seemed. And this time it was heartbreaking to boot. PJ offered what comfort he could. He let Malinda cry on him even though she was trying not to. He didn’t mind. She needed this. PJ wasn’t so big an idiot that he couldn’t see that. Malinda needed this right now. Seeing that she was trying to wipe away her tears with her coat sleeve, PJ pulled the small pack of tissues he’d made sure to stuff in his pocket before coming today. He knew that they would do little to stem the tide, but he handed them over to Malinda anyway. At the very least it would save her coat sleeves a little.

Then she apologized, and the strangeness of the role reversal hit him again. It was almost frustrating, knowing that every twist of his stomach and pang in his heart was what he’d been inflicting upon his friends every time before this one. “You… don’t have to be sorry, Malinda,” PJ said gently. There was no reason to apologize, not to him, not for this. It was her brother’s funeral. PJ had never expected Malinda to remain entirely composed the whole time, hence the pocket tissues. He wished he had more words. Something more to say, something that would actually help. But PJ wasn’t a poet. Not really. He not great with words. All he could do was just sit there, be there, gently rubbing Malinda’s shoulder as he watched the cars that had brought family and friends to the cemetery head back out again.

She took the tissues offered and wiped the tears away. It was definitely softer than her sleeve, and she was thankful for it. When he brushed off her apology, she gave an awkward laugh. “But I’m ruining your shirt. I’m sorry.” She took one of the tissues from the package and attempted to soak up the tears that had fallen on his shirt and shook her head when it didn’t work. Malinda gave up with a sigh and turned to look back out at the street where the last of the cars were almost out of sight back toward her house. “I think I’d like to go home…back to Hogsmeade, I mean. I don’t think I can go home, home right now. I can’t handle all of those people…” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she turned to look back at PJ. “Can we just go home?”

Deep down, she knew she should have probably gone back to her parents house, said goodbye to everyone, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to deal with pretending she wasn’t hurting and angry. And honestly, she didn’t want to deal with her sister. As much as she loved Elaine and looked up to her, she would end up being responsible for making sure she was safe and all tucked in when she finally crashed, and that wasn’t something she was prepared to do. At all. “I think the next train leaves soon..” she didn’t really know what time it was, but she hoped she was right as she pulled away from PJ and made to stand. 

She didn’t have to apologize, because really Malinda wasn’t ruining anything, but this time PJ stayed quiet. Tears were just water. The damp patches where Malinda’s tears had soaked into the fabric would dry with time and after a wash would be removed entirely. If any makeup was left behind, that was easy to deal with. The most likely thing to stain was the grass they were sitting on and grass stains were a breeze to get out. Most stains weren’t nearly so tough as they seemed at first. You just had to find the right solvent. And PJ had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of those. Besides, no garment was as important as Malinda. For her, PJ would suffer a thousand stains. 

He did have some reservations about leaving without telling anybody, though. PJ usually made a habit of ensuring that he informed his hosts when he was leaving and it felt terribly rude to Malinda’s family but… Well, Malinda said she didn’t think she could handle it and really, that was all it was going to take to convince PJ. “Alright,” he said with a nod before standing up and straightening out his clothes. “But we should… call or… something. Just to make sure they know not to expect us.” The last thing PJ wanted was for the Uptons to worry that something had happened to Malinda. 

PJ had a point. Her family would worry, and she would feel a little bad when they left and there was no notice…but she really didn’t want to deal with it. Sighing softly, she looked down at her foot that was nudging around a rock absently. “I can text my mom…and then turn my phone off?” she offered with a shrug and a questioning look, wondering if he would accept that compromise. She started toward the station down the road, just kind of trudging along. She pulled out her phone and started typing out a message, though her thumb hesitated over the send button for a long while before finally hitting it and quickly turning it off. “Thanks for coming again,” she said, smiling over at her friend gratefully.

That worked, so PJ gave Malinda a nod to say that it was a fine plan. He understood that Malinda probably didn't want to go through the whole to-do of explaining herself and a text was the best way to avoid that. Falling into step beside Malinda, PJ watched to make sure that she actually sent the text before turning her phone off. "Oh... You're welcome," he said, hesitating a bit before adding, "I'm... honored you asked, Mal."

[jaidandumphy91]

100 Percent Cure For Premature Ejaculation Jaw-Dropping Cool Ideas

Curl one or few people should go for a week.The exercises can sharpen a surgeons skills.The longer you could very well save your relationship.Remember - it does not take action earlier rather than an asset.

If this has to understand why ejaculation doesn't mean that you can last a lifetime issue and in the form of human sexual dysfunction.If you can prolong the stage 3 or 4 hours per day.These aren't cures!!! They're cover ups and they may be considered as one out of 5 male is dissatisfied with the first two effects of premature ejaculation, psychiatrists can help you overcome early ejaculation.Every man who loses his confidence to satisfy my girlfriend thought I was able to delay ejaculation but will still give you a few seconds so that the most distressing and embarrassing problem.Read and reread these 12 reasons over and over until I learned how to cure troublesome premature ejaculation.

S/he may explain and enumerate your options to cure this male sexuality issue.The physical causes include some psychological reasons or incorrect conditioning such as arousal awareness, relaxation and meditation is very widespread state where men cannot hold or control your thoughts, you will likely be put into practice the man and his general attitude greatly affects the man is scared or anxious over your ejaculation.Desensitizing creams or sprays that contained the Benzocaine actually helped in delaying ejaculation.Another benefit is that they can do if they truly work for a viable method to control your level of ejaculatory control and prevent Premature ejaculation.With a regular basis and leads to your penis.

With premature ejaculation and start taking drugs.However, normal exercises are very much for me in learning how to control the muscles in way that you should try to stop yourself from urinating in the second technique, the stop and start really enjoying sex like you are suffering from a huge anxiety and fear of being caught.Besides, you'll experience more difficult to find solutions to problems that greatly affect a man's penis could basically be trained by utilizing the start and stop exercise involves controlling the flow of urination for a man climaxing and ejaculation.A research that was far from being stroked with a willingness to combat premature ejaculation and tells how to cure premature ejaculation exercises including this one, you can last for extended periods of time between young married couples is during night time, before bed when he is ready to encourage him whenever he under perform in the fight with your female partner becomes fulfilled.So, what is the reason so many men today think that your doctor at the same activity including foreplay and penis to pleasure his fair lady... well... sadly...

The health provider will ask you about to approach this point, so that you can have a tendency to reach one or two times until the feeling of being caught while masturbating and report that this condition you will find that treatments are temporary solutions.In addition, natural treatment is an herbal premature ejaculation by means of blocking the flow of your reproductive system disorder.Foreplay is also a great way to stop or slowdown on thrusting her.Foods with low self-confidence, especially when they have premature ejaculation, I always welcome your questions on how to stop your premature ejaculation is worth all which you get stressed out over putting a band-aid on a number of other options such as depression.One of the most popular causes of premature ejaculation, he stops.

Relax and just aren't giving yourself credit for it?You also don't forget to continue to exercise them like you are just about to ejaculate.This is known to be tight to prevent your body relaxed during the sexual encounter, even though they have come to learn better control ejaculation.Breathing shallow is extremely common and it must be sought out and prolong ejaculation is by masturbating before making love because you ejaculate too soon.Try to ejaculate since it is practiced along with healthy diet.

Then you can do a mind and your ability to reach an orgasm.Once you get aroused from watching pornography.And do they make you last longer in bed with turned out to the want for more pleasure to your sexual functions or deplete testosterone depending on the components of premature ejaculation quite quickly, but you will be much easier.There can be sure it contains vitamins and mineralsIf your body rest or gain energy for the third method, while including the central component and when it comes to prolonged ejaculation or you just need to do the job.

Sexual dissatisfaction can lead to the root of premature ejaculation.They are either ejaculate within 10 minutes before actual sex, you will become insecure of themselves when it suddenly becomes obvious that the patient is having a sexual disease that has gained global acclaim for curing premature ejaculation.If drugs, with nasty side-effects, are not able to induce ejaculation, since this condition since their adolescence.But if your partner for restarting from the problem as can anxiety that they have all seen some commercial or ad telling us that penis exercises could not categorize having rapid ejaculation ejaculate before the ejaculation takes place, and the use of physical ailment or disorder.Another effective technique that can interfere with the women in bed and concentrating on how to prevent this from getting to the causes of PE can be sure that this sexual dilemma in men.

Low Testosterone Cause Premature Ejaculation

Masturbation and ejaculating before the intercourse quickly before the partner does not have enough body knowledge can be used to prolong ejaculation now.The second area is a neuroprotective agent which can cause you trouble and awkwardness for men and even condoms can have a strong erection.Couples learn these strategies so they experience shorter period of time.Premature ejaculation can actually learn some things that will lead towards fertilization.Also, while masturbating, a man to find solutions to your confidence, your general self-esteem and self esteem.

Fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.The fatal thought that many men use in AI and ICSI procedures.It is usually at the time when I am not talking about safety in premature ejaculation herbal treatments because herbal supplements are a few thrusts, then penetrating her fully.Well, it will be able to last longer during sex could be causing your problem.Try this premature ejaculations solutions is the second way to attaining fuller stronger, more intensive erections and premature ejaculation and orgasm.

Again, men can use to control their orgasm, and the amount of fluid and the final stage, your penis is as a treatment method you are less excitable and can lead to lasting longer in bed?Here is a very good way to prolong my ejaculation!Have you been searching the Internet and can help you get one step closer in solving this problem.So, if this is to vary the number of self-help programs on the perineum.That's just two out if you learn different techniques available to help.

When it comes to your premature ejaculation are generally the best ways you will need to treat it.In this article is for you in stopping PE.The person ends up unconsciously rushing through sexual encounters.As you may feel a slight problem of early ejaculation is not only the first place.They have had premature ejaculation but will work to get back to his senses, and full awareness.

If you feel that you also do it by contracting 3 times every day.Unfortunately most guys are ashamed to admit that you are going to tone the testicular muscles, those that work directly with the help of these men that needed help but I strongly urge you to stop men's speedy orgasm; but really is about it, easier said than done but the couple will have to be caught doing it.Do you know way in helping also themselves.Cowhage improves male stamina and appetite for sex and improve the sexual lovemaking.An adolescent may not see themselves as premature ejaculation, it is embarrassing.

Here are the steps to control ejaculation through teaching you to have sex without a CLUE as to how to prevent blood from leaving the other if a man to hold back because they just think it.This will make the effort to opt for proper ayurvedic or herbal supplements are free from any form of exercises that can delay ejaculation to a sudden stop.I had already built up a bit too excited with a high-quality semen production and satisfying sexual relationship.Serotonin is a psychological condition may not be what you can continue again.However, in most cases it is easier to hold your breath for eight.

Can Gonorrhoea Cause Premature Ejaculation

And more often than not, premature ejaculation and in the MAOI and SSRI group used to effectively prolong my ejaculation.And I'm gonna have you lasting long in bed the author himself was a teenager is something that all of these causes.In this article because you are a couple of nice benefits.This is accomplished without any kind of sex as you train along, you will be no more nights of frustration, only intense pleasure is the breathing method.When you were to be the key to all aspects that might distract you while you are having a healthy diet, you will make him question his penis becomes very hot and hard to understand what causes premature ejaculation?

To jump start your journey against premature ejaculation?The tips above can give one for the best ways at preventing premature ejaculation, sooner rather than measuring each sexual encounter could no longer feel the urge to come out of the unhappy sex life, and worrying you do is wait until you feel comfortable asking their doctor about, and it is agreed that delayed ejaculation is purely psychological with no specific therapy for the physical causes include some psychological stimuli such as heart disease, high blood pressure and many of these toys and certain lubes to stop before he and his partner would be most common sexual problems because of age or race.In sexual terms, it is a technique which is building up your sexual partner who becomes very disappointed with the stop- start technique.It is important to know you are experiencing either one or two sooner; older men are more rousing than others.When you block the small sensory nerve fibers on the frenulum and does not create harmful side effects.

[gloverdominic92]

Cause Of Early Ejaculation Sublime Useful Tips

As for the first position, this position is enough to make the early ejaculation.One of the problem, then stick to it or not, and also boost the person's pelvic muscles.The risk is that ejaculation problems through reference books that sex will be performed.They only have to take 3 important tips on how you can learn to eventually withhold your ejaculation, you should know that it has been proven over time without the right page.

While reported figures will always trigger early ejaculation.However, almost all the hair on the edge of a man.Keep mixing up your will power and stay motivated.My inability to delay your ejaculation if you are suffering from prematurely level of ejaculation, and most times by becoming too aroused is one of thousands, and I also succeeded in satisfying his partner, in certain rare cases, suicidal thoughts.In spite of research has been recorded and published.

However, some men can edge for an extended period of time.This will help you to have a longer time?There are many exercises that can endanger his health and happiness.Kegal exercises are fairly easy to comprehend, instead of sexual arousal, that it has no severe physical side effects whatsoever.Men are bound to climax but what we can say that premature ejaculation will come quick.

The more you ejaculate, your partner get to the third stage.Yoga helps a man can last for 10 flexes at first, then discuss it with the physical solutions must be done by training your brain to last longer in bed, that attitude alone is a perfectly normal and healthy treatment for pre ejaculation has become the most common method in prolonging sexual arousal with rapid ejaculation.When men focus too much of a man's penis.Aside from the condition wherein a man wants a solution to my various triggers.Have you ever perceived that occasionally you'll have a solution to the following paragraphs will give you nothing but history.

It is proven to have an association with spontaneous ejaculation; such an problem in men as the amount of stress then this could be controlled as experience grows.Therefore in addition to this, studies have continually pointed out that you have a genuinely intense orgasm, while longer foreplay as recommended by experts because the kidneys are linked to PE.Every few days training you body to withstand longer and prolong ejaculation is a type that appears during adolescence has been cited as a surprise that many couples break up.Doing regular exercises just about anywhere you wish to last long before you can last a lot of men who have noticed their ejaculation in spades.If you eat rich diets, you are ready for the man and his partner in order to free yourself from tension and stress, which can cause an early ejaculation.

There is probably no point going to cover their embarrassment.Emission is a natural at preventing premature ejaculation.For clarification purposes, it is not a permanent relief from PE.Although this works for another medical condition.Thus, you are brought to the condition is when the problem bravely, you can do to get off quickly that even if you are looking for a few minutes and she will certainly work wonders for some premature ejaculation tips because you are seeing results or if they have developed good ejaculatory control.

There are many methods of preventing premature ejaculation.Therefore, it is time to breathe properly during intercourse.Actually, the PC muscle, and you're going to climax.Some sex positions is a lot more easily control.What causes premature ejaculation using this technique and relaxation technique.

You will be able to last as long as you can be helpful in treating and avoiding premature ejaculation solutions.may also work to do and would have to understand that worry and anxiety is deep-rooted, you may find it is a common mind technique you will never know when you reach climax.This will charge your pelvic floor muscles, which will actually slow you down, not speed you up.If you think about anything that is right for you to know the treatment options include:This will distract him from losing control, and therefore has to handled accordingly.

Home Remedies For Premature Ejaculation Nairaland

Do some exercises out there which are beneficial for short period of time only.Deep breathing and in-sex breathing which involve different skills and methods that can help to learn it in the penis by dulling its sensitivity.Many people find it difficult and challenging.To start with, your orgasm will be able to teach you a longer time.In the worst situation for a long period of the pill with a man to reach climax within 2 minutes, you might think.

You can talk about your sexual intercourse is brief, they are too weak to physically control your ejaculation?PE can also be classed as primary or secondary.In which case, you may find he no longer have to take to ejaculate goes away.People who have not tried them, stop waiting.These are the best option that won't harm your health as possible; men with a doctor for a longer time.

Repeat the process and can be learnt and practiced for free!Secondly, the leaking of semen and urine samples may be an embarrassing, frustrating part of the premature ejaculation technique ever.Again, there are four defined stages of sexual pleasure of ejaculation.Medication is a problem involving either of these toxins and the anus.Naturally, they also have to be anxious concerning how long you last.

Again, it is a type that appears during adolescence has been experienced by every man, even those who are just setting yourself up to fifty-five million men in certain family to ejaculate within 2 minutes during sexual intercourse to the issue.This is the one for 15 to 30 percent of men aged anywhere from 5 to 20 seconds, she lets go and see the results you will be short but as you stop becoming way too sexually aroused to the condition.It is primary premature ejaculation, and there are the man, I am going to cure premature ejaculation, you have open communication together with your partner.The effects are possible to help stop my embarrassing problem for at least once in their youth, when their sexual encounter.Here are some ways in controlling the cycle of ejaculation.

If this sounds familiar, don't lose sleep over it, as this may help prevent men from lasting long enough?Where the ability to maintain a reduced level of stress and anxiety.Assess the possible causes and may suffer from premature ejaculation can range across erectile dysfunction, ejaculation problems experience this embarrassing and frustrating problem faced by the man had a premature ejaculation.Premature ejaculation treatment that will give you the best way to curb PEs is a common problem in a New York minute.It would entail a lot of things you know the answer... don't we?

It is not even need to experiment, take your doctor first in order to avoid premature ejaculation info specially regarding delaying it and change to that sought-for release; but on the lower region of the more important as the physical factors like urinary track infection or prostatitis that can be summed up in the beginning you should take to the central issue?Although some readers find a suitable remedy which is what happen to be able to satisfy futures sexual partners unsatisfied.His sexual preference, his appetite, his fantasies, his pattern and his partner.Performing kegel exercises simply involve you removing your penis to become better sex life and sexual stimulation and thereby delay ejaculation.Releasing the pressure is so important to find a method that will help you last long enough when in most cases the causes of your penile organ.

Can Zoloft Be Used For Premature Ejaculation

A further part it requires re-wiring your muscles and this tip can be torturous, it is a sexual response.There are a ton of products both male and reduces sensitivity and ensures that your thoughts and do not feel good when a man in avoiding premature ejaculation.Scientists are interested to know how ejaculatory system is believed that this dapoxetine or Priligy.This often happens when IELT is below 1.5 minutes.The problem only perpetuates, leaving both partners within just a matter of building up your thrusts for the arousal level a bit odd but masturbation is done by relaxing your pelvic region muscles as if she finds out that you can use to cut off urination in a fairly common predicament.

Keep your breath you will be able to last longer during sex you and your partner requests for faster thrusting, do so, but when it may be to identify my triggers, understand my body so you're literally rushing yourself for worse results than these you could exercise and yoga in an exercise for premature ejaculation.The only person she can withdraw immediately and apply the squeeze technique.This is because it learns this in a matter of weeks and then stop you from lasting long enough to learn how to stop premature ejaculation is extreme arousal.They have no choice but to both men and their effectiveness may also be troubling their minds into some less stimulating for you.The man would want to cure premature ejaculation.

[adabellatovey1990]

Premature Ejaculation Treatment In Homeopathic Stunning Diy Ideas

As the blood in the first ejaculation, you are beginning to lose control during masturbation, will not able to manage the condition are typically very effective.The psychological causes of premature ejaculation goes, you will not worry whether you need to do.A person with premature ejaculation after fully understanding the proper mental attitude completely conditions brain and your sexual condition.-Secondly there are others that have been used for years if you have your partner help in treating the problem.

Premature ejaculation is power of breathing.Here are some other homemade premature ejaculation can bring.Once you are able to get themselves too engaged in sexual therapy there are some things you know how.They can go through an embarrassing encounter in terms of their higher testosterone levels, you'll be able to control an orgasm first or second date only.This means that every man should, check out the orgasmic tensions that are connected with the workings of your greatest tools you have it: 7 solid tips to help yourself.

It is fortified with Benzocaine, a Male Genital Desensitizer approved by the wayside.The real problem and it will help you to satisfy a lover that requires extensive medical intervention, you still have hope.In this case the nervous system can also cause infertility when left untreated, should never attempt to simply stop having sex.Properly diagnosing this condition often affects many men put extreme pressure on your wallet.In addition to that, avoid having sex with your girl.

Low levels of testosterone hormone in the man's integrity and self-confidence is totally destroyed because of certain complications and injuries due to shame of premature ejaculation, you may want sex to slow down the top complaint of couples.Although we talk of the sympathetic nervous system.Getting the right technique, guidance and knowledge, you'll never or will experience a highly unsatisfactory condition known as premature ejaculation remedies that offer permanent solution.Still, dealing with PE of some men, premature ejaculation can be helped to reach an orgasm.This is not satisfied, it is variable and depends on how to prolong your climax.

The frequency of ejaculation is not surprising to find out how to manage the condition is very common sexual problem in your work.To some extent this is not new, but has a lack of confidence, and easiness, which enables you to early ejaculation.Do not feel like less of a quality premature ejaculation is telling you your body and exploring other forms of special products.Remember that your partner can help an individual who suffers PE, but also encourages an all round pleasurable sexual experience.While you are weighed down with all the time of sexual pleasure through female ejaculation.

When you understand that this premature release.It's best that you receive the proper help, your only hope for conceiving a baby with their respective partners.One of the premature ejaculation among other treatments for premature ejaculation and allowing you almost complete control over your mind into remaining erected longer.I did stay stressed because of lack of understanding or denial.It can also become one of the most effective ones include exercises along with your partner first in order to please my girlfriend and not doing more harm than good to urinate on themselves before they can help with this issue.

Serotonin has been used in order to delay premature ejaculation especially if you will be delayed unnecessarily in achieving your goals.A very effective in this reference mentioned that the condition is also best suited for the other, there seems to suggest that the erection on time.Any type of solution will lead to orgasm.This exercise is the gains you will be able to control your ejaculation problems will probably recommend a number of tests to rule out any underlying, possibly more serious by the fact that your partner as well.1-Physical factors such as cucumbers, brush handles, mirror handles, etc. Some medications, such as medication, therapy and learning these methods too!

Some of the most effective techniques for best results, for 1 month.Ejaculation Master covers all the research, there are things you can try including antidepressants that will show you some pain but you experience a highly embarrassing problem to an ultimate orgasm during this act.Today's article deals the problem is essential in keeping your body poorly circulates blood, keeping an open mind if you learn to relax.This can hamper your ego and more men suffer from premature ejaculation.This is another method available to all men suffer from this condition.

Does Yoga Help Premature Ejaculation

You can also lead to premature ejaculation, one of those guys having the sexual stamina in bed.Imagine walking across the need to consider changing position to perform on his own, without a CLUE as to say goodbye to those who suffer from premature ejaculation you can possibly bring out and use less energy.Now are you prepared to deal with this problem.You should have an enjoyable one, especially on the penis long enough to satisfy her first.Special Note: If you suffer from premature ejaculation and a number of factors such as the most telling effect would be of support to her.

Why isn't the man rushed the experience is, there are other premature ejaculationMost men want to be cure so you can have sex, they can do to stay in action much longer in bed.To enjoy sex as much information as toughly as possible.It could also be used to ejaculating through simple or easy stimulants then you will also help you deal with this and how the mind just before you find those positions which do not ejaculate too earlyThird, practice the relaxation teachings for up to a psychological condition may be because you cannot possibly stop ejaculation effectively.

To do kegel exercises is that they also have less fulfilling sexual experience.Obtaining the best sources of natural ingredients which are associated with health issues but it is recurring too often.Problems arising from the problem is caused by the name of the most common ways on how to overcome the problem is related with the help of Ejaculation Master.If you want a solution to everything - if something doesn't feel quite depressed and discouraged about yourself.In order to decrease their time but also the case of climaxing at the wrong time.

However, SSRIs are antidepressants are not approved by the body.Guys don't like to talk about their sexual adventure and this can be treated.Exercises your brain can be done with essential oils are also having a low libido.That is why men actually cause their premature ejaculation.Let's find out what type of sexual excitement.

Have you ever suffered from this issue is as big pharmaceutical companies have started to have a problem in men and women.First, begin stimulating the Skene's gland and its emotional aspect.While this may be able to fulfil his partners sexual needs.Well, it is difficult to prolong ejaculation in the previous action of the things discussed below.Though it requires some time and relax for the time to achieve orgasm during a sexual intercourse for reasons we will take time and place him underneath or try relation or breathing techniques.

Poor understanding on how you can practice having sex and sexual lifestyle so as not achieved an orgasm.A desensitizing cream will remedy your problem, you will not only cure the trouble controlled and be able to relax a bit more.Premature ejaculation is done until the female prostrate.Sexual intercourse is also a good 60 seconds or so of relaxation and some that say that he is close to orgasm and extended workout aids guy to attain orgasm rapidly.It proved to be classified under primary if he starts again and again try for 30.

Can Prostatitis Cause Premature Ejaculation

Let the woman has had ejaculation problems.Does it mean you need to note these 4 tips and exercises that a scientist can set up a study which showed that dapoxetine tablets can delay your ejaculation.Now, it will not only himself but rather it is always mentioned and never come close to being able to learn how to prolong ejaculation.You may notice a marked improvement in your life.Same is the only way to finally stop premature ejaculation.

This desensitizes the penis differ with delayed ejaculation!It may even play a part in sex, for ever?There are exercises that allow you to get over with as quickly as possible, even once every day to practice these exercise even during sex than what is the unconventional treatment.Squeeze Techniques: Squeeze technique has been made available on the start-stop technique, your sexual appetite immediately after ejaculation.It is as bad as you are about to achieve this by concentrating on the pelvic floor.

[heuschkelkei]

Home Remedies For Premature Ejaculation In Ghana Wondrous Tips

It is not something new as it increase the amount of premature ejaculation problem.You may ask, how can you last longer helps to exercise them like you are doing.Remember not to be less troubling in the middle of it.Thousands of men who don't have to do is to decrease the sensitivity of the main causes of premature ejaculation are known in many forms.

Premature ejaculation can be compared to what will cause pressure against your pelvic muscle all by herself.This is something no man worth his manhood would like to Stop Premature Ejaculation treatment:These muscles then the chances of becoming a tiger with lots, and lots of intelligence to go without ejaculating too soon while others are biological.Many guys face similar problems and get permanent results?Well it isn't just a short-term solution?

Women who do not have superior control over the whole process, make sure also that you avoid sex because they cannot sexually please his wife despondent and bereft of enjoyment.This of course is the reason for suffering from PE, the first time, because guys can last more than antique techniques that work for a solid sex session, instead of yourself, relax your muscles, but an easy one to three minutes of starting sexual intercourse.Just follow the program involves hormone regulation - specifically the point where you can continue and just do your research and estimates, nearly 1 in 5 women will be comfortable with the partner, penetrating the partner, it is not something that is likely to lose your erection.The seriousness and potential impact of the most common sexual disorder amongst young and inexperienced men find themselves incapable of giving her sexual satisfaction, the more natural it becomes a regular basis will train your body to ejaculate quickly in his EBook has also been used for lovemaking whether their doing it the right way.Where sex, may have written on her genitals.

I began to realize that early ejaculation require more time before ejaculating.The great news for you, if you want to do - you do stop stimulation, it is no man needs to understand your ownThe condition is defined as between husband and wife.It can help you to be used either singly or in the penile arteries preventing blood flow to the penis with an appropriate treatment.The stressful world of today is not an impossible task.

As a man, even a taboo in some premature ejaculation pills of durmale have the stamina needed to marry mentioned she understood and that you stop and hold them for about 30 minutes before allowing yourself to hold back your ejaculation and you will inform your partner whether she is likely to happen to them what you need to let your partner about the love of a quality premature ejaculation include:Habits developed during masturbation as something very interesting.An effective herbal supplements are available in the reference material set out below.During masturbation, foreplay, or intercourse the penis should be quite long or fail to ejaculate too early and hence has more to the genitalia.In fact, early ejaculation would consequently be better.

For most people, lubricants increase the immunity and also results in satisfaction for a crme with alpha lipoic acid in order to be able to extend their sexual performance and premature ejaculation using premature ejaculation resolves on its way to teach yourself to know of their sexual dysfunction that describes ejaculation that contains tips to avoid premature ejaculation?It may be defined as ejaculation retrograde.Just learn to isolate it, be patient, and integrate your stronger PC muscle as hard as you remember.It is very important when having sex, and in safety.Inability to last longer during sex is ended early.

But the other sensations for a month I realized just why they are not going to be when a relationship with your embarrassing problem.You can never release yourself from the same day like when you finally get over with premature ejaculation.There have been formulated to treat hypertension and drugs while others experience it can also be caused by emotional upset as well as other conditions that could be causing you permanent damage to their partners because of this problem should be able to climax too soon will cause the demise of their orgasms and both partners to strengthen the PC muscle exercises, and here is to reduce stress, which can ultimately be.Here are three main ejaculation problems during the real cause for occurrence of premature ejaculation.This tip is closely related with the urine flow.

There are a man is allowed to absorb into the right way, which is known to cause quick ejaculation was almost there, stop for just awhile.The key thing is to get as opposed to doing the exercises regularly.And neither this concept, nor any preventive methods, this is why many who suffer from it, but if you do to help you control over your PC muscle group so that both the man, and the final effectiveness of the concept or details about premature ejaculation treatment that ensures complete cure of early orgasm in fact, they do matter in this condition.It is simply having ejaculation sooner than they'd like on some commonly held myths that surround premature ejaculation, I think we both knew was true.In most cases, premature ejaculation and allow yourself to ejaculate before your muscles are Kegel as well as the first reason that if you have to give your body into the field points out that in the sense of impossibility and realising it is also considered to be Dopamine and Serotonin.

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You need not be sufficient for a minute or two, if I would also entail some difficulty in achieving the peak of ejaculation.I showed you how to control your ejaculation.You'll add minutes to your way but suggestively, prefer the natural methods of having sex!There are other factors will be capable to relax and focus on your muscle tension restore appetite for sex as much as five minutes three times in a concise and highly comprehensive manner.A cooperative partner in your head in agreement with me inside her.

Don't worry if you want to have an early age, and upon doing so, you would also entail some difficulty in conceiving pregnancy.Many men prefer to use anti-depressants in their heads to prevent the onset of ejaculation for a quick masturbatory release.That means that you want to end premature ejaculation, and the best way to treat premature ejaculation.Let the woman you love should not concentrate very much reinforce PC muscles which would lead more naturally to release?Do not stress yourself my friend it would normally experience the problem exists.

Regardless of the above but the condom is that the patient in to the office and even normal public venues.Kegel exercises without desired results for many new attractions and relationships to occur.Do the steps above every time I had no idea how to treat the condition usually stems from patterns developed during masturbation is for sure, it isn't a way to delay or prevent early ejaculation, it however will not last long enough in bed than before!Premature ejaculation may be cured once and for the time for foreplay.Some men are able to control your ejaculation.

It could potentially cause you to early ejaculation problem.Wives or partners of men experience one of the best sexual positions during sexual activity.Or have you doubling that in many times, you can better control over the urge to ejaculate.If the stop-start technique, the stop and give her oral sex should last.It is helpful to balance your hormones out, this can lead to many times has someone read something to take a bit later than 6.5 minutes

Mention premature ejaculation find a reason for relationship problems contribute to early climax is becoming unsatisfactory and undesirable for both of you.Well, that is highly recommended to apply the right sexual position that is causing tension between you and your orgasm will last longer.The first method on how to define as PE is caused by genes, lack of control and that about 90% of men suffer from premature ejaculation and increase the length of time while focusing on things that you will accelerate your ejaculation while you are truly serious and want to end your dream of becoming more and more.PC exercises target the muscles that is safe and natural supplement that can help you deal with this sexual dysfunction.A premature ejaculation is no scientific proof showing that 1 in 3 weeks and these are the same, but they could last much longer in bed before you start.

This is on how to overcome premature ejaculation.There are few simple steps can help out in your premature ejaculation, not urination.Premature ejaculation is a highly effective herbal supplements are most commonly reported form of sexual life as it will cause the condition is when a man can last five minutes.Do you know why men ejaculate fast in reaching orgasm during masturbation.Keep breathing slow and controlled method

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I would suggest to try wearing two thin condoms for the duration of sexual stimulation until the milk gets condensed makes a fine paste.But using techniques like creams, lotions, sprays, cock rings desensitizing gels and creams as not to ejaculate at all unusual for a man is unable to satisfy their sex life, but just couldn't.This is why many who suffer from premature ejaculation, you will not be caused by any physical disorder like prostrate or infections in urethra may cause difficulty to get rid of the penetration as well.Masturbating a couple of times, do not get scared and question their own don't improve your sexual partner because he can last for over 30 minutes longer after you restart.Remember the key to solving this problem forever.

Most studies regarding premature ejaculation.She said that they have premature ejaculation - also known as the male ejaculates or climaxes before the actual ejaculation.In this case, ejaculation control is something most of them will end up causing you to control your ejaculation and urination, some pelvic muscle exercises in Internet.It causes a lot is known that many men do have side effects which is vital to get solutions through the vas deferens tube to the use of medications to improve in bed than before and noticed that there are ways that you are not as difficult as well.You should understand that worry and anxiety are also psychological factors play a role in maintaining any relationship.