#been feeling like super stressed lately
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DO *NOT* LET ME LISTEN TO SONGS DEDICATED TO DOGS I *WILL* CRY ABOUT A PNG OF A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
#sunkist#man#love is stored in the dog#love is stored on dogs pronto actually#i love them#miss them everyday#cats too#half live vr but the ai is self aware#hlvrai fanart#hlvrai#tommy coolatta#hlvrai tommy#hlvrai sunkist#rosie is my favorite dogggg#bites my hand when i go wrongggg#been feeling like super stressed lately#animals been getting me through it#:)#my art:)
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some of the less nice thoughts about being aroace
extras below the cut
sketch
closeups on my favorite panels
bonus: adios
#doodles#kingdom hearts#roxas#axel#olette#aromantic#asexual#aroace#do i tag pence. hes in the background of one panel#ehhhh sorry pence no tag for you#also not tagging soriku and namixi#i mean by the logic of 'theyre in one panel so i wont tag them' i also shouldnt tag axel but. he has dialogue so#anyways i have a very irrational love of olette whenever i need a random side character in a kh comic? olette#i think she uses webmd. anyways im done talking about olette#so let me clarify about this comic#im aroace. this is all just things ive thought before#im not saying in any way these thoughts are real. theyre just thoughts#thats why it ends with 'but there isnt. its just me.' there IS nothing wrong with being aroace. even if it feels like it sometimes#im not trying to send a message im just trying to express a feeling ive had for a while#anyways. the aroace community is super positive and i like that. but not everything i feel about it is that positive#sometimes it feels like im missing something yknow#this comic seems like its about roxas. but its about me. congrats youve been fooled#drafted something similar to this for aro week but didnt finish it in time so this is spiritually part of asaw 2024#btw sorry im not posting as many drawings lately#schools kinda stressful im pretty tired and busy most the time#i am throwing this drawing to you like a slab of meat to a pack of hungry dogs. take this meager ration in these trying times#alright i think thats it bye now
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Hm. Oh no
#my periodical depressive slumps! wuh oh!#idk feeling very down lately. the. gestures. everything. does not help#im like. so stressed rn the past few days have not been great#i miss having close friends i think#crane screams#ive been feeling bad physically too and idk if its bc ive been off my meds for almost a month or judt bc my eating habits have been awful#genuinely idk what constitutes as a healthy meal anymore. realizing açai bowls are probably not super healthy despite having fruit#head in hands. whatever. i can blame my slump on my lack of medication(its not even a mental health med)#see this is why bluesky scares me. how am i supposed to ramble on in a place no one will see over there#thank you tmblr tags ily tmblr tags#ok whatever#good night
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whshdfhfjf.,,,
#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur#look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly#because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..'#anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to#ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts#anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately#a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle#lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix#fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll.#and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material#mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent#a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...)#i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort#and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one#here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try#like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!!#the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still#they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1#of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but#thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where#you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the#competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even#even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!!#the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's#'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h#her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll#eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do'#they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's#it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe#adamandi
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feeling useless and unwanted vs. killing 30+ fruit flies
#skylar talks#we've been having some bug problems in our apartment due to our shitty balcony door#and while we were away at a con#a fuck ton of fruit flies just. materialized out of nowhere. it's been stressful!!#but then i realized i was actually super good at killing them#i spent half an hour just sniping them#we're getting an actual fly trap tomorrow but i thinned out the numbers a LOT#jess got a ton too#it's so much better now it's so relieving#and it made me feel super useful and wanted and needed#which i have felt like absolutely 0 of those lately#so that's all to say. if you are having major self worth issues like i am/was. just get good at killing flies apparently dgdibskhd
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Thinking of doing Inktober again this year, to help keep me out of my general little art block I've had. It'll be low effort doodles from mspaint once again, since I'll have other art stuff to do, but I was curious as to whether there's anything people would like to see specifically?
By all accounts, share your fave prompt lists in reblogs/replies! I haven't seen any yet since it's still early September, and might be swayed to a specific one.
#inktober#recall speaks#flight rising#since i specifically did list that as an option#it was just one i thought of bc ive been rlly like into FR lately amidst the brain fog#but not all my dragons are super easy to design for so im not sold on it#i just feel like something very small and low stress could rlly help me get back into things#but it has to be small bc i will have professional stuff i need to work on for november#anyway ill rb this a few times until the poll ends pls share ur shit w me
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#(( ooc. ))#.... so#if youre wondering why ive been so absent lately. ots bc im dealing with stuff like that. on top of handling everytuing around the house#and additional super stressful family drama#health scares caused by stress#the works. i feel like im a constant state of mindfuckery and i have been since we moved#thoght things would improve after getting away from MIL but apparently not#ive been so exhausted and stressed and pain has bee. spiking so bad#im really trying to be here bc writing has always been a calming thing for me like a fun distracting hobby#to get my mind off irl things but everytime i open up a reply i start crying#bc the words arent there and im too tired to even tupe bc im running myself ragged#and on top of that im dealing with hubby and whatever the f is up with him and the weird#180s he does where 1 second hes the sweetest most attentive guy ive ever known and the 2nd#im crying and apologizing for doing sometjing weong and i dont even inderstand what i did but hes upset at me#and somethings suddenly my fault#or im begging him for help around the apartment or smth#idk. i am really trying to be here i swear i am. i miss you all. i miss the stories we're writing together#i miss by bbys and wanna weite with them bc theyve been loud and active but i iust cant type what i want to#a single paragraph is taking me hours to get out no joke#idk. sprry for dumping all this on the dash out of nowhere im just kinda flailing right now and offkilter#gonna head off to bed and see if an actual good nights sleep for the first time in a week helps with my brain and makes things make sense#hope you all have a goodnight. sorry again for this#negative tw#negativity tw#venting tw#personal tw
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google, how do I not be so so so so so scared of taking new medications that I make my whole situation worse before I even pick them up from the pharmacy
#//juri speaks#feeling big “[7th guest ghost voice] i want my mommyyyyy” energy lately#even though i know she's of the opinion that i just need to eat more vegetables#i want an adultier adult to help me make decisions and help me be normal#and on god do i want someone who can help me articulate things to a doctor#bc i always leave feeling like they have not focused on what i thought was the larger problem#but not sure how else i could have explained my symptoms to get them to understand#and i have not one but TWO prescriptions im supposed to try for a few weeks#and i havent even gone to pick them up yet and ive been so anxious all day i wanna cry#(i also wanna cry bc i am super nauseous again today and could hardly eat any lunch#which was annoying bc it was kind of pricey and i thought safe food being non-dairy)#anyway. would anyone like to trade bodies with me for a while?#i would love to feel normal for a bit. not like a stressed rabbit.
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Pleeeease God I just want to be able to fall asleep on my quarter dose of a sleep aid and not feel my stomach hurting from whatever food my body decided it hates now and not have to worry about anyone or anything until I wake up tomorrow afternoon...
#honestly just sleeping and not feeling sick anymore would be enough for me to be happy tonight#sleep has been getting tough again#I sleep but the timing has been bad#I've been staying up super late since I can't finish anything during the daytime#and I have so many things making me anxious :')#some of my OCD thoughts are coming back and NOPE I don't want to deal with them again!!!#I'll be fine but I think my brain is just reacting this way due to being too stressed#and feeling like I'm gonna mess up at any second#and overly judging myself when I do get close to messing up#why do I have such a ridiculous brain lmao#like I message people and my first thought is that they're gonna send me an angry reply#to the point where I don't even wanna check#and then I see it's just 'thank you' or 'alright' or whatever#amazing
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not to be super gay but truly I feel so lucky to have such a kind and understanding bf and it's especially reassuring bc he is an amazing job coach and knows all about disability rights and I couldn't ask for a better partner to have
he's happy to support me while I try to recover from burnout and figure out the autism stuff and he is so so so comforting when I've hit my limits and reminds me people get built different and "you're not weaker or slower, you're running with a backpack on" and just dhjklksjf I love him so much don't tell him I keysmashed he'll call me a bottom
#lmao sorry it's been an eventful stressful weekend and I'm emotional bc he's so amazing and good and j love him#also it's late and I'm high#he has super bad adhd and also is autistic but he thinks he may not meet the diagnostic criteria anymore#he's like 80% adhd 20% autism and I'm the opposite lmao#his brother is also autistic and his nephew and he works with a tonnnn of autistic people#so like I'm in fantastic hands#he keeps reminding me I have no obligations and can leave or do whatever I need to feel comfortable#hit overstim bad this morning and he was like we can even leave early it's okay
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more serious plot lines are cool but i’m really excited for this podcast to be fun to listen to again.
#not to say that it hasn’t been fun! but i’m sick of feeling super stressed out over wtnv every two weeks#i feel like nightvale as a community has been written really weirdly as of late#and i hope that changes once the episodes go back to being less connected#wtnv
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:/
#food and weight talk ig. just in case. but#i would love to know wtf happened to make me like this rn..#had a lot of food for dinner last night and now I’m laying here awake like. okay so I can’t eat anything today#like. i know why this is happening. it’s because I’ve been getting my weight taken a lot recently bc of all my dr appts#so it’s just. made me Super aware of it as a number which has always been bad for me#but it’s also. gender dysphoria. and just general feelings of self consciousness about my body that I’ve always had#but just feel so Heightened lately. like the last month or so it’s been so so so bad#and I’m just so stressed about other things that everything is just exacerbated so like. idk my brain has latched onto this#and it’s… really hard to shake. i keep restricting what I eat bc if I then eat too much I feel guilty about it#thoughts like this have been beating at my skull for the last like 2 years bc of dr appts and stuff. and I guess it’s just finally reached#a head that makes me wanna disappear into nothing#last night I think was the first day in 2 weeks or so I didn’t go to bed hungry bc I actually ate enough. and that makes me feel Bad#i say things
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#I think weed has been giving me anxiety lately#I’ve been so busy and away from home my smoking schedule is super thrown off#I like smoking less#sometimes I feel self conscious if I smoke a lot through the day#I remember my dreams better when I smoke less#which is bittersweet#I like dreaming#or being able to remember them#but they’re always so stressful#and then I feel silly for having shit dreams#I’ve been dreaming about work recently and the people close to me#I just want to wake up feeling better than the night before but it’s so far from the opposite#tbh today probs wouldn’t have been so hard if I’d just had a bowl#definitely don’t need any other vices though#brb gotta go make myself cry to tire myself out#I don’t think I have the time or energy to smoke and let that make me sleepy#goodnight forever for real this time lol#personal
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I vaguely mentioned in conversation the other day while making a sandwich how bread at the store has a bunch of gross shit in it and how fresh would be better whatever and I went to the kitchen and saw my dad made a loaf of sandwich bread today and it was on the counter…..made sure it was ready before I went down to make sandwiches for work………love is real.
#made me emotional actually lol#he’s not a super lovey huggy dad but he does really cute thoughtful stuff#was so pretty too I’m excited to go on break and eat#been a lot of stress and worries going on but been shown so much love lately#I’ve also had a lot of self reflection#like a lot of it#and I’ve been realizing things like actually letting them sink in#and making new private goals that for the first time in a while idk..#make me feel inspired to tap back into parts of myself I feel I’ve abandoned#back to old goals but also new ones#last year was really bad and put my life to a standstill in a way and I’m kinda over it and myself being the same#I feel like I’ve grown a lot more than I did in year(s) and changed#in some ways worse in ways I can’t control but also better#it’s been no easy feat but I’m stronger#it's probably time to use that growth and I deserve to have my wants and goals and dream life to come to fruition#this isn't the year to be stuck l've wasted a lot of time#idk this year feels like it's going to be important#the growing pains are real#so for now l'll continue to be scared but brave and sad but thankful and stressed but motivated#I’ve felt all the things at once lately#but no matter what my eyes are more open than they’ve been in a long time#and there’s people who want to be apart of my journey whether it’s happy and fun or sad and hard#and everything in between#the rest is confetti
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I always have to remind myself that I don’t need to push myself to make art, and I don’t need to apologize or feel bad for not making a lot of art. art is something that should make me feel happy, so if I’m pushing myself to the point of not enjoying it anymore, then I should just stop and calm down for a second. and take some time for myself. Art won’t disappear, it will always be there waiting for me again, its okay for me to take some time doing others things sometimes.
#sorry this is a bit negative. most of the art i’ve been making latelyis personal/ocs so i dont post it here and thats been stressing me out#since im scared a lot of people are expecting things from my art that i cant give#my art changes a lot because i get inspired by so many things each day. and a lot of my designs are personal and mean a lot to me#so seeing other people like them is both a happy thing for me. but also so scary.#most people i see post art in fandoms im in will post so much of it so often#so i think i subconsciously think that i have to do that too. Make a bunch of art super fast and i HAVE to post ALL of it#but from the things that disabled me to just. that not being how i do things. i cant keep up with that#art takes a long time for me to feel happy with. And i dont always have the motivation or energy to finish all my drawings#Or even do things past a messy sketch#so i keep most things to myself for one reason or another#i dont know it just feels like everyone needs to have things “now now now. fast fast fast” nowadays.#or else the stuff you make isnt worth it. or isnt as good as everything else. In the case you make art late into joining the fandom#I think someone called it fast consumerism? or something? But yeah its just#bad. i dont like it at all#sorry for the long tags. i might stop posting as much art for a bit so i can take some time for myself.#go outside more. learn a new hobby. maybe even join a club or something#if you read through this hi. feel free to ask for my toyhouse if you want to see my ocs or whatnot.#I was very lax on checking my grammar here. not sorry this time. im getting seen for dysgraphia and im tired and need a break#myposts#rambling
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MEET S.P.O.O.N, my emotional support Zebra Furby Buddy 🖤
S.P.O.O.N stands for Sir Princess of Obvious Neurodivergence because i insisted he has a long funny name that can be shortened. she uses any pronouns and goes by both Spoon and Sir Princess as nicknames lol
i take them with me to doctor appointments and stuff 🖤 also my dog Sunny loves Spoon, i think she likes that it doesn't make noise lol
#sorry it took me so long to introduce him with their name!!!#i've been super fatigued and stressed and just not up for posting much lately#i had spontaneous surgery on my foot recently and i had a full blown 10/10 pain for like 3 days straight#it was awful#but i'm healing now and can even wear shoes woohoo#Spoon was with me when i was at the podiatrist 🖤#it was my first time having an experience where i could actually tell the doctor that i needed way more numbing agent than they expect#and i did need more! it sucked lol! they were like really!? you can still feel pain!!?? oh no!! lol yeah#anyway hi im still here#i love furblr#im just tired all the time haha#hope everyone is doing ok love youuuuuu#my furby#spoon#sir princess of obvious neurodivergence#furby fandom#furby community#furblr#furby#furbies#all furby#furby buddy#safe furby#emotional support furby#zebra#actually autistic
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