#been doing nothing but fucking up at work recently. all little things bc im more forgetful than usual and less able to problem solve

[coridallasmultipass]

Halloween costume hint:

(The stitch marker and the word that describes this colour-pattern of yarn [or fabric] are 2 more hints.)

[bunnyboy-juice]

;~; (tags vent)

[steampoweredskeleton]

SCREAMS

[effervescentdragon]

This is gonna be a rant bcs i havent done one in a while, it went feom too hot to too cold way too quickly, i havent fought with anyone in a while and im itching for it, and im sick an tired of certain things im seeing popping up recently despite there being many, many posts about it that summarize it all very succintly amd more eloquently than im about to, but fuck it im adding mine too.

Two main points. Numero uno.

You are not entitled to fandom spaces being catered to you.

Ive seen younger fans do this all the time, and i could go very ad hominem about what i think of youmger generations and what kind of internet experiences and spaces they've been raised in, but i wont. I will say that predictive algorithms and that scourge on the web tiktok have done irreparable damage to a whole genrration that expects content to just be presented to them on silver plates without them having to move their thumbs even a bit to search for what they want, alongside erasing what little critical thinking and reading skills theyve already somewhat had.

But thats not the point of this rant. My main problem here is when someone comes into a space, lets take an example of a discord server, and then starts whining how "all these older people are here too".

Firstly, fuck off. And i say this most empathetically - if something is not to your liking, literally just leave. Fuck off. Nobody wants you here. Go find a place that caters to your needs better instead of expecting this already existing space to bow down amd change to suit your needs. Thats not hkw this works, not how life works, not how anything works. Your entitlement is unfounded, has no geounds, is childish and frankly extremely disgusting. Go make your own fucking space then, one that you can tailor to your needs instead of expecting the space to warp to suit you. You are nothing in this context, and you are entitled to nothing, except basic rules of polite conduct that ar3 expected of everyone by social contract of interacting with other people in a space.

Point numero dos.

Fuck your ageism and fuck your idiotic assumption that there is an arbitrary age when you should leave fandom because you're "too old" and "it's creepy".

The world is not restricted to the young. The world is not built for the young only. Joy is not restricted to the young. YOU ARE NOT BETTER B3CAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG. I would in fact argue the opposite, because obvious lack of life experience (especially when compounded with the fact that most of the experience most of you even have are limited to online spaces and not the actual outside world) shows itself in both your ignorance about the (fandom) history and with your conpletely misguided sense of entitlement i already spoke about.

What even is the age to be enrolled in fandom? Does life stop after 20? 25? 29? Or god forbid, *gasp*, thirty? Thats basically both feet in the grave, isn't it?

Do you even hear yourselves? Because unless you have forwknowledge or plan to die when you come to [insert arbitrary age here], you are still going to be living after that. Will that moment, that birthday be the time whrre you go "right. im too old now. i should erase all the joy ive gotten feom fandoms up until now b3cause im too old and fandoms and fandom spaces are only for young people, which i am not anymore. bye bye".

What the everloving fuck. Do you think young people are the onse who built fandoms? Do i have to drag out star trek spirk housewives? Do i have to reference diana duane? Do i have to dig through a million posts on this godforsaken website that tell you about communities of people of all ages coming together to enjoy things and make fandom spaces as wonderful as they are?

Do you think you can only enjoy life up until [insert arbitrary fucking age here]? Do you think life stops after 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, if you're lucky to live that long?

What the everloving fuck is wrong with you???

Instead of sending stupid 😭 emojis about people being older than your 18 years of age and still enjoying things, go read a bit on fandom history. Log off fucking predictive algorithm pages, stop scrolling, read a fucking book, go touch a cow, smoke or touch some grass, talk to actual fuking people and not just bemoan existence of older people in your tween echo chambers.

Get a fucking life, adapt, and/or leave the rest of us alone. The world does not revolve around you, and if you keep insisting it does, well. We older generations have no problem with blocking. We value ourselves too much to disrupt our joy with childish whinings of entitled assholes.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[15ktherapy]

idk if this can help but I wanted to say I undertand you. I like dream as a cc too bc I just relate to him. I cant think the same way neurotypicals do and that lead me to sometimes have shitty actituds of being too impulsive and fuck up to inmediatly trying to fix it.

Dream did the same and just recently started to change that. I sometimes got irritated by his actitud but stopped when I saw that it was bc im the same and hated that about myself. I cant hate dream bc both he's not a criminal and also bc I just relate too much to him even on his flaws. Seeing how people talk about his behaviour just reminds me of my worst moments too. And i dont think neither you and me are wrong for relating to his flaws. Bc one thing dream teached me it's that, being annoying and sometimes a bit of a asshole it's not crime and you arent the worst human on earth at all. And finding comfort in seeing others struggle with the same as you can be healing actually.

What the 3 said today didnt change what i saw in dream, An imperfect neurodivergent young man that sometimes is a bit of a asshole and has fuck ups. And that also Dream is capable of change and seeing how people who worked recently with him or becomed friends with him recently talks, it seems he did change for the better.

And dont let what toxic fans say make you feel bad for how you feel. What was said today just tells two things 1 phil and all the adults were nice and smilling to dream but thought bad of him behind his back 2 he was a kind of shitty friend and there was not discussion about it on his face

sorry if this is too long, also don feel pressure to responde this or public it on public. I sent this as more of trying to tell you you're not alone on that feeling

I love you anon and I’m hugging you so so tight if you’ll accept it. I love you and I love myself and I love dream too. I love us for all our flaws and our mistakes and our “wrongness.” I just have a habit of ranting because I’m an angry little thing! I don’t hate myself and I never ever want to so my rage kind goes to… get this. sooociiiietyyyy.. kinda, haha. I’m an angry angry thing of a size small person, so I have my compressed stacks of resentment. All for how I’ve been treated mostly. Cuz it’s not my fault!! I know it’s not. I have a disadvantage that most people don’t and those other people make it my problem!!!! its not my problem I mess up!!!!! it’s your problem you’re so mean to me about it!!!!! so I’m still so angry cuz it’s just how I am, andsometimes I just remember my resentments where the anger stems from and I just gotta bitch about it!!! And then I do. I suppose I don’t always say the nicest things about myself but I mean it more in a “way I’m viewed” in the eyes of what I’m complaining about rather than what I actually am. And even then sometimes I’ll just like full take on some bad things about me sometimes I guess but I never hate myself for it. I am nothing but myself and myself is all I’ve got. I’m okay with that. I try not to make trouble for other people, and when I do make trouble I feel bad. but I’m not a bad person. I’m not bad and it’s not my fault fuckin. god or whatever forgot to bake in some social skills!!!!! that’s on him!!!! that’s on nature!!! that’s maybe on my parents for raising me not right, or maybe it’s on my genes. but I know it’s not on me. I try the best I can. and if people hate me for my mistakes- because I don’t “get it” or I’m not “right”— they can suck a rock because I’m Soooo Soooorry my mental illness makes youuuuuu mad. I’d like to see you try, bucko. anyway mika tip of the day is never ever hate yourself- that’s how the ominous They wins. hate the people who make you hate yourself because you were literally born with a disadvantage and they act like it’s your fault when ITSSSS NOTTTT!!!!!!!

[oldgrowthcedar]

for the “top 5” ask game:

• top 5 characters / relationships

• top 5 smells

• top 5 things you’re most proud of

omg so many lets get started >:3

Top 5 Characters/Relationshps:

HAN SOOYOUNG FROM ORV most normal girl of all time. by extension her relationship with yoo joonghyuk and kim dokja.

Sasuke Uchiha (Naruto) i have been horribly into naruto for almost a decade of life now and its all his damn fault. honourable mention is sasunaru literally relationship of all time.

Donna Troy (DC Comics) my dear darling i love her so bad

Bokuto Kotaru (Haikyuu) thats my little guy :-) i love nothing more than characters who are so dedicated and kind they mean everything 2 me

Harrowhark Nonagesimus (The Locked Tomb) oh my god. when i read htn after gtn i was gobsmacked. shes literally a lesbian nun in love with the creature who will destroy god in some of the most catastrophic situationships to ever grace the galaxy

honourable mention: sanji from one piece but especially the 4kidz dub version

Top 5 smells (this is wonderful bc i am a perfume girlie at heart <3):

The Ocean <3 i have a brand and i am not afraid to lean into it. I love going to the beach on a cold day and smelling the salt and kelp

Crushed orange peel

My mom's caldo verde

my everyday perfume (link)

Sandalwood

Top 5 things im most proud of (tysm for sending this, it was very nice to reflect on!!):

My research!! I went through the fucking trenches for it but i recently was able to present a project at a major conference and it was a really magical moment

This might sound weird but my athletic ability. I'm disabled w chronic pain but I've put so much time and effort into being able to still play rugby/lift weights and im very proud of myself for figuring out how to do that :-)

My cooking! I can cook most anything if given a recipe for it and i love cooking for other ppl

My dedication. Mama didn't raise a quitter. I try really really hard to not give up on things I care about, even when it gets rough, especially when I'm supporting other people

My introspection. I've been a person I didn't love for a lot of my life but I have worked really really hard to take a look at myself and improve my ability to be there for myself (and others) and forge a more positive future for myself :'-)

ask me my top 5 anything!

[elliekillsu]

hi! so im 14, and so is my gf (im trans male, shes a trans girl). i have literally searched like a million things for trans girl experiences and ur blog came up so i was wondering how do i make her feel better abt herself? because recently she posted about not feeling femme enough and stuff and she keepssending rlly sad messages then being like "oh i was js dysphoric ignore me" or wtv.

i want to make her happy but idk how bc ive never liked being a girl (obv) so idk what to say to make her feel more like the girl she is. she is post social transition, only my parents, her parents, and our best friend know, so she isnt able to go oout in things w/o feeling insecure and stuff

i let her wear some of my old clothes (dresses and skirts and crop tops and stuff) but idk how much its rlly doing for her

sry if this was long u dont have to answer lol

have a good day/night! <33

Hii! I'm always happy to help someone out, I wanna start with like the 'bad news' just to get it out of the way, you've both found out you're trans around the same time I did which is great I'm proud of you both, but that being said you're both young, I know it's said a lot and it sucks to hear but you have so much time left, I found out about my own identity pre covid and didn't start presenting until end of 2022, and didn't fully socially transition with my family until last year, my point being it is a long stressful journey and it may take time and it will be hard but it's absolutely nothing compared to how long you'll live as yourself. Now I don't know any way to make her feel less dysphoric overall, its something we're stuck with but the obvious can help, routine shaving even just facially really works well, but I would definitely say maybe try do her makeup for her, teach her how or even just buy/give her some stuff to use if she hasn't been trying that already, even a few moments for the first time can help so much. If you can afford it trying out thrift stores or charity shops to find a low cost variety of clothing for her to keep away for herself.

There's no necessarily perfect way to fix dysphoria forever, god knows I still suffer but here i sit titless, unshaven and built and I'm still the happiest I've been in years, it does get better, you hear it over and over it loses its meaning but it will get better I can promise you both that, if I could see myself now when I was your age I would be so fucking happy and I still cant believe any of this is happening, I can promise she'll have the best days of her life but also the worst, its a long journey she's just begun, she isn't alone as long as you're there, along with me and every other one of our siblings. We are all one and we love you <3

I hope this has helped even a little

[roseworth]

Finding out you watched tangled the series sent me into a reblog spree from your tangled tag because I recently finished it for the first time. so now I'm curious give me all of your fix it thoughts on the bad writing

hello im so sorry for ignoring this for so long but i forgor </3 but i love tangled the series so much it just makes me want to rip my skin off because of how much it sucks

the thing is. there is so much potential. if it was just a bad show i wouldnt care but the problem is it could have been such a good show <////3 i love every character and the plot lines were ALMOST there every time and it could have been so good i could fix this fucking show hhghghjghhjghgmhgjhjg

like right off the bat theres all the shit with the proposals that i LOVE. i love eugene and rapunzel both trying to propose to each other like 5 times but neither of them could ever get the timing right <333 but the problem comes in with. literally everything surrounding it. the idea that the marriage would trap them pisses me off bc at first i assumed it would be like. they eventually realize that marriage isnt a trap and its not the end of their lives. but thats not what happened. instead it was like "yeah the marriage is us accepting that our adventures are over and we're settling down" ?????????????? and everything chris said always makes me think like. can someone please check on his wife oh my god

THEN we've got varian. literally such a great character, his villain arc is the best arc of the whole show !!! but!! then it was over. honestly i think that varian was one of the characters that made it out relatively unscathed with no stupid choices for his character. but even then thats mostly because he just kinda got ignored after season 1. he didnt show up at all in season 2 except in a hallucination, and im not THAT mad about it bc obv they werent in corona so its not like there was really any place for him but like. please. anyways he got a quick redemption arc in season 3 but the worst part of that was that it was a little rushed so he made it out ok. but the problem comes in with the fact that chris got pissed off that everyone wanted to talk about varian so he refused to give varian anything interesting to do overall. but the problem is that there were already seeds planted earlier in the show to give him more to do (like everything with quirin and the letter) that got dropped bc they didnt want to deal with it

and CASS. oh my god. ive talked about her villain arc a hundred times because it makes me so fucking insane. it could have been so good. like you can go back to pretty much the first episode in season 1 and see cracks starting to form in her & rapunzel's friendship and there was soooo much to work with. but. "gothic was my mom but she kidnapped and abused you instead so you stole my destiny" what the fuck are you talking about. talk about being overshadowed! talk about being forgotten and never taken seriously!! talk about ANYTHING that youve already been upset about in the show!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!

and then fucking. the dark kingdom stuff at the end of season 2 with eugene:( :( :( i was a little excited for the dark prince stuff bc ! it could be fun!!! he found out that hes the prince of a dead kingdom and his mother died because of the stone thats the opposite of rapunzel! there was sooooo much there that just got forgotten :( we never even found out how the queen died or her fucking NAME. why did we abandon all the dark kingdom lore at the end of season 2 :(((( i love the dark kingdom its such a fun concept and i want more of it but like. go girl give us nothing ig. the kingdom got completely abandoned and forgotten about within 25 years! lets talk about that!!!!! fuck lets acknowledge ANYTHING about dark prince eugene !!!! and on that note i wish they had done a little more with the fact that edmund had been protecting the moonstone for his entire life just for someone to take it and leave and now his life's purpose means NOTHING.

also it pisses me off that season 3 became The Cass and Rapunzel Show. there were so many other characters with problems but everything else was ignored bc look! cass and rapunzel!!! like can we PLEASE focus on anything else for like 5 seconds.... why was the finale entirely just cass and rapunzel's fight :( everyone was dead on the ground and it was "and now cass and rapunzel are gonna spend 3 seconds handling it" like please..... you have a beautiful cast of characters that want to affect the plot so badly let them help

as a rapunzel fan i think that one thing that annoys me a lot about the show is that. rapunzel can never be wrong. i get that shes a disney princess and its a disney show so they cant make her TOO bad but like,,, all her weaknesses are the shit you say in a job interview. "shes too nice" "shes too upbeat" "she trusts people to much" i wish she had actual problems. like she tends to accidentally be selfish and focus on how she feels without thinking about how it affects other people!!! thats something they could have thought about more instead of making her always right about everything. and the fucking episode on season 3 where eugene says "cass abandoned you you need to let her go" then she goes back in time and changes his past and then hes like "yeah you shouldnt leave cass behind!" NO HE WAS RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. cass literally took the moonstone and left she doesnt want to come back why is the lesson here that rapunzel shouldnt let her go

and oh my god. lance im so sorry for what they did to you. he is SUCH a fun character i love him so much he should have had so much to do but NO he gets one lance-centric episode and a few lance-and-eugene-centric episodes in season 1. then he never gets focus ever again. he gets the moment in the season 2 finale where he starts fighting the ghosts (and i love him so much i love that moment) and then he never affects the plot again. hes so fun because he and eugene have basically the same backstory except lance never had The Moment where he chose to give it up so its so fun to see his approach to just. everything in the show. but we never get to see him!! he gets ignored and shoved to the side so that there can be more hookfoot centric episodes. i will forever stand by the fact that theres something about hookfoot could've been a lance episode. ALSO ALSO ALSO the episode that was pitched with the broken window at the orphanage :( :( :( :( :( i mourn it every single day i wish it had happened. he doesnt get taken seriously as a character even though they had sooooo many opportunities to! then i literally love that he adopts kiera and catalina at the end but. it doesnt get any focus. we dont get to see him getting closer to them (okay we get a little bit of it but STILL there should've been more) so it feels so unearned. i love their little family so much but give me MORE. NOW.

okay im gonna stop now but i have so many thoughts about this show i could fucking fix it. there is so much potential and i love every character so much and i love the version of the plot lines that only exist in my head

[fagdykemuppet]

ok i havent done it Yet but i plan on compiling a bunch of ben pics and loading them all in the queue to be a once a day thing. but until then id like to make a little introduction to our dear ben christo/the face behind our beloved ifrit ghoul! mainly because i already wrote something up somewhere else and i'd figure it'd be easy to just translate it all to one big tumblr post instead of doing school work. (update: it was fucking not) note: i have not listened to everything that he's ever done (and actually not a lot of this stuff) and i will miss some stuff but it's a start. if anyone wants to give stuff to put on this post i'd be more than happy to include it + i may update it as i learn more. ok cut incoming. warning for talk about unmasked ghouls if that's not your thing i guess. but also why are you here if its not.

okay so as we all know, ben christo is the face behind our beloved ifrit ghoul! but for those that don't: he played the touring lead guitarist for the band ghost in 2017! but this is all fairly surface level stuff, and i will not be going into much detail, if you want to look into it more just look at ritual footage from 2017. and if you're somehow not here from the ghost side of things hi. i'm sorry this is probably confusing, just ignore it. or dont and get into ghost bc ben played a ghoul in 2017. your choice

but with that out of the way, onto the real reason im making this post!

to get them out of the way, here are some links. (website, insta, twitter, facebook, linktree, youtube, spotify playlist, spotify profile, apple music)

so for some basic info that everyone that knows anything about ben will know: he is the guitarist for sisters of mercy. i don't personally listen to this band, but i do know that another one of the ghouls, the face behind aether, chris catalyst, was also a guitarist for the band. ben has been the guitarist since 2006, and also i think backing vocals. (links: spotify, facebook, twitter, website, (this thing is so fucking outdated but im putting it here for comprehensiveness), apple music, amazon music)

diamond black: this one is a band i do listen to, he is one of the founding members, the lead vocalist and guitarist! used to just be on guitar, but the lead singer (jaakko turunen) recently stepped down and now ben is fronting it. this band also includes another ghoul! jan-vincent velazco (aka vinnie) was the earth right before mountain/hayden scott, and is the drummer for diamond black! they've been around since 2017. and, fun fact, at the time of writing this post they're going on tour in a month with esprit d'air (which vinnie is also the touring drummer for. doing double time). go get tickets if youre in the uk area!! gogogo!!! theyre cheap, only ~£25!!! (links: spotify, website, insta, facebook, twitter, apple music, youtube, buy on amazon music)

speaking of esprit d'air: did you know ben did a collab with them? yep! dead zone off of oceans! (other links: lyric video, buy digitally, buy on bandcamp, buy on amazon music, listen on apple music)

next up is his work on raymond watt's PIG. from 2018-2019 he was a member of the band, going on tour (along side vinnie who was on drums) and even doing some riffs on the album risen (and the ep prey & obey). i haven't listened to these in particular, but i do like some of raymond's other work. (prey & obey: spotify bandcamp amazon apple, risen: spotify, buy it on bandcamp, buy it from metropolis records, buy on amazon, listen on apple music)

AKO (pronounced A-K-O. dont make the mistake i did and pronounce it as a word): i listen to this one. i don't know a lot about it, though. from what i've read it was formed in 1998 and disbanded 2005, reuniting briefly in 2010. (links: spotify, bandcamp, listen on apple music x, buy on amazon music x)

night by night: i know nothing about this band other than what i've read. it was founded by ben in 2008 and he plays lead guitar and does backing vocals! also i think vinnie mentioned being in the band at some point but i honestly cannot remember. (links: spotify, twitter, apple music, amazon, facebook, youtube. they used to have a website but i cannot for the life of me find if its still up bc all the links im finding are dead)

last thing ill be mentioning here is his work on lord of the lost's 2021 album judas. he contributed lyrics, guitar, music and vocals for argent (lyrics and co-wrote music) and still life to die for (lyrics, melody, vocals and guitar). (links: spotify x, amazon music, apple music, youtube x, bandcamp x)

there's obviously a lot more stuff he's been in, i just lost steam after working on this for a few days + even then i don't think i could cover everything he's been in i feel like im learning new things everyday. i'd suggest doing your own research + if theres anything you'd like me to add to this post just let me know!

[caelumsnuff]

What keeps you here (listening to Redacted, slightly engaging with fandom, writing for it)? I don’t mean that in the annoying ‘omg why are you here if you’re gonna complain’ way. As I think it’s heathy for a fandom to discuss what could be better about their fandom space and what works and doesn’t work for them in the media they’re consuming (and even as someone who enjoys 99% of this place, this fandom’s ‘don’t even say that you don’t like a thing’ is unlike any fandom I’ve ever been in, big or small).

I’m asking ‘cause I’ve been listening to Redacted since 2021 and it became a fixation, but recently I feel it fading a lot (I don’t find the narratives as compelling anymore with Quinn and Avior being the recent ones, HBS was just okay even tho nothing quality wise changed to me, even my enjoyment of the podcast has waned (and I listen to a ton of podcasts of all types so that should have been the one thing that stayed lol, but they are inconsistent then come back and talk about Pokémon Go only for 70% of the episode every episode lol so I think that’s what’s not helping).

So what brought you here and what keeps you here now? What do you think will keep you engaging with his work? What do you think will (or could be) what makes you step away (whether abruptly or gradually)? (Sorry for all the questions. I’m curious. Hope you have a lovely day!)

Thank you for the ask! I know this is long and a little word soupy perhaps, but i hope you can glean some coherent meaning from it.

Under the cut bc long.

I've been here since very very very early in the channel. Like...... 2020 early. I was getting back into listening to rp asmr after having a small interest in it a few years earlier, and i came across redacted, a lil baby VA. Redacted had some unique qualities in the rp asmr scene, and if we're being honest he still does.

My brain kinda decided to hyperfixate on Redacted, i think because he had plot heavy audios and that wasnt super common in this genre of rp. And in the beginning, the plots were actually decently good in terms of writing and whatnot.

At some point along the way, that fixation became something of a special interest eventually. Probably sometime around early 2022 when i decided to join the discord to finally see some fanart and maybe make friends with people in this fandom. That kinda sent me down the rabbit hole of realizing "oh shit yeah these people have wildly different interpretations of these audios", which started to irritate me in regards to a certain magical therapist and i ended up writing a fanfic about it after being afraid to write for literally most of my life. I got very mixed responses, but some people were really kind and expressed gratitude for my writing and that made me actually want to be a part of this fandom, even if i stay in my own little corner. After that point i started to engage with the content far more critically, and decided that i care about his videos too much to not talk about them and critique them.

I can't really tell you why i stay here, not exactly at least. I think plot-wise the videos have declined in quality greatly, which i started paying attention to. I have been known to enjoy bad media. Like a lot. I watched all of Voltron, all of Vampire Diaries, 13/15 seasons of Supernatural, the Twilight movies, and i fucking enjoyed them. Im just a fan of shit media. Its really fun to critique as well! But like..... I don't think Erik is an all around shit writer, i think he's really good at some things. Character building (the base of a character at least), universe building (for the most part), and the line writing is really good actually, i enjoy them. And i think that he's decent when writing darker content and plotlines, look at the Adam plotline, the Ivan plotline, Imperium AU etc. So i guess the answer is i enjoy critically engaging with it and actively critiquing the art, as well as being attached to the characters and the universe. I have kinda yoinked the characters and they are now my little barbie dolls to play with.

Tbh i ignore most of the fandom bc i just..... simply do not care what people i dont know think about me. I think that majority of this fandom has demonstrated not just a lack of critical thinking skills, comprehension of fandom etiquette, and media comprehension skills, but also a lack of basic human decency and kindness. I do not care what people like that think of me. I know who i am, my loved ones know who i am, and im not gonna let children on the internet stop me from making the art i enjoy.

I take breaks from listening to videos every once in a while (like 2 months at the beginning of this year), but i always end up coming back. I guess im curious as to where this all is going, and i really really do want to see this man get better at writing which..... hasnt happened yet but i guess im patient enough to wait lol. I think he hit a new low recently though. I think the Quinn storyline is the first time that the bad writing actually made me like... angry. Like i was MAD, like shaking laughing in my bed mad. It took me an hour to cool down like what the fuck was that man 😭 If i think about it too hard ill get all riled up again.

I.... don't know what would make me step away tbh. Idk what that would take, but i guess it'd have to be worse than the Quinn arc, which is setting a pretty high bar.

So yeah i think i stay here because i love the characters (or the ideas of them), as well as the universe, and i think writing fics for them is really good practice for me. There's also some very sweet people in this fandom who have been nothing but kind and encouraging to me, and i do not want to let these interactions i have with you guys fizzle out just yet. I may not know yall or directly interact with yall a lot, but i really do love you guys in this little corner of the fandom ive carved out.

[butchviking]

Hello! Per the define transgender q I thought I'd put my 2 cents out there as a trans person. The way I'd define it for me is that the way I "see" myself to be incongruent with how I was assigned at birth. To me its more transition/dysphoria based, it has nothing to do with how I express myself via clothes or mannerisms and everything to do with how I feel about myself internally. Not to say gender expression isn't important, especially in someone's transition and wanting to be recognized as the gender they are, but if you only think of trans people wanting to transition in order to fit a stereotype of the opposite sex then that just reduces everything they do to a performance or an act. And gender expression is important whether ur trans or cis, gnc or not. 

Idk. Being trans is just part of who I am, same way that I have brown eyes. Im not "escaping" from anything nor am i confused. I think because ppl recognize/come to terms with being trans differently is also why they say being trans is different for everyone. Even if there is a clear cut definition, it's still gonna look different based on how or if someone is able to medically/socially transition and how far in their transition they are, and anti-trans laws will affect that as well. Community, activism, and support are important regardless. At the end of the day I just want to be able to feel safe in knowing that if I got in a major car accident tomorrow where I will need intensive medical care, that the medical team will treat me even though the parts I have don't match what it says I should have on my driver's license. 

Hope that makes sense I've been typing off and on at work but just wanted to put my perspective out there. Peace love and ray toro <3

huh okay, it's really interesting that u say it's more transition/dysphoria based to u bc i feel like most trans ppl ive spoken to abt it (might b a reflection of the kind of trans ppl i was hanging out w) definitely put identity before transition status/intent.

definitely with u on the gender expression part - i think its a rly common problem that someone sets out on a transition bc of dysphoria & bc they want to be viewed as & treated as the opposite gender by society but somewhere along the way they end up leaning way too heavily on stereotypes for that and they do find themselves trapped in a performance and end up ridiculously self-concious abt it all (like all the transguys who worry endlessly about if they're walking right if they're holding their drinks right if they're SLEEPING right, that one guy who found himself googling "do men eat oatmeal" -_-)

also v interested in ur statement that how ppl "recognize/come to terms with being trans" affects how they define the concept in general.. im gonna think on that but im not sure i know what u mean 🤔 i think i have to twist that one round a little fr it to make sense 2 me... id agree that people often have different motivations for transition & trans identity and that would affect how they define the term... i think that's sort of the same thing, it's just that u see being trans as smthn inherent to a person whereas i see it as a choice so we'd use different wording.

n yeah ive been thinking more abt where exactly i think legal lines n definitions need to be drawn i think im gonna make another post abt it but ur right that community, activism, & support are important regardless and i think for the most part CAN function regardless. & i understand ur concerns abt getting medical treatment - ppl always talk about 'trans healthcare' just meaning medical transition but that's mostly a whole separate thing to actual trans healthcare which is in a scary state rn (& getting scarier in some places - didn't one state recently pass a law that medical staff are legally allowed to refuse treatment if someone is lgbt?) (yeah i just checked of course its fucking florida 😑) n im sorry u have to live w that. u deserve proper care & treatment u deserve to live safe in the knowledge that u will receive that proper care & treatment.

thank u so much for weighing in!! its refreshing 2 get a different perspective here. peace & love & ray toro 😁✌️ <3

[captainsquality]

ok so. i am so on board w this. but im gonna yammer on infographic style about some core points of driving in winter weather bc even living in an area where it is a yearly expectation, I know a lot of adults of multiple different generations who have never learned or been taught this stuff at all!! Nevermind the people who have moved more recently from areas where it's a non-issue and thus never covered.

so bc i functionally cannot shut up ever and literally have nothing else to do, here's some of the basic important tips my parents, who Know Their Shit, hammered into our heads annually:

first, traction on snowy roads is awful, awful, awful, AWFUL, and in a completely different way than in rainy conditions, but some basics from there still apply:

give yourself AND other drivers a double size or LARGER distance for stops and for turns. this is a priority in ANY type of adverse weather. My mom's first words in these cases are always 'don't rush. it's better to be late than to never arrive.'

accelerate gradually. the traction issues on snowy roads work such that if you try to gun it out of a stoplight or a turn, or even just accelerate normally, you will almost certainly spin out and possibly even fishtail in place and hit another car. If the snow is deep enough, you can spin yourself into a rut and be stranded. If you feel your vehicle sliding as you start the gas, just ease off of it and don't kneejerk!

take extra care when braking. anti-lock brakes are much more standard/common in cars these days, but still not nearly universal, nor are they immune to fucking up or failing on you. If this happens or if your ride just doesn't have anti-lock, DO NOT STOMP THE BRAKES. Pump them, like you're inflating an air mattress or whatever. You'll need to start the braking process much sooner in either case but pumping the brakes in this way helps maintain the type of traction you need to reduce speed.

turns from a stoplight or stopped position- give yourself way more space than you usually would and I mean WAY more. You have to account for other vehicles here, but also the fact you will need to accelerate much more slowly, and often in general drive at a greatly reduced speed.

That said, please note: you WILL need to drive at a reduced speed in this weather. Plan for that and depart earlier than usual, also keeping in mind you may have to clean snow off your car and scrape ice from the windshield!!

In the event your car does lose traction such that it begins to fishtail- this is an alarming experience ESPECIALLY the first time you go through it, but the best thing to do in this case is to LET GO OF THE ACCELERATOR, and turn your steering wheel WITH/INTO the direction of the fishtail, NOT AGAINST IT. This will help reorient your car so you can regain control and fully correct your position etc!!

I have had fishtailing experiences many times by now even with proper and careful driving; sometimes it's just gonna happen, you know? Most recent one was literally day before yesterday when I was driving my mom home from an appointment! Second to last turn from our neighborhood!

It was startling and briefly alarming but the points of -let off the gas and -steer INTO the hook meant that we only took the one swing, the back of the car booped off the proper road a little, but then we were stable again and continued on without incident.

Driving can be a very intuitive and tactile task in my experience. It takes a lot of time to learn to drive safely and confidently, which is why we have things like driver's ed and different stages of licensing etc. But I honestly think that- at least within the context of the US, where I live- basic rules for driving in various common inclement conditions INCLUDING ones that are not typical to your area or region should be not just more common, but the standard.

Car travel is extremely necessary here; even with better infrastructure, the layout and regional factors etc here in the US mean that there will always be areas that by necessity must rely more on car travel. Like here in Kansas, where there's a lot of farmland and more remote, rural areas with fewer resources and civil services immediately available to them.

Also, people travel. Like they go on road trips. Kids move out of state for college. Job changes take families to new cities with different weathers and environments. The nature of car travel in the US often means that sooner or later, even if your usual day to day in your hometown just about NEVER involves x or y conditions, you may well take a trip out of town to an unfamiliar area where those conditions DO happen, and knowing the safety rules for driving in them is vital. Driver's Ed needs to account, wherever it is being taught, for long distance travel because the US has a very wide range of geographical features, infrastructures, and weather conditions. anyway. im cutting myself off before I write an entire novel but. pls be safe driving, no matter your age or experience level with it!!

[txicgf]

i will just say, as ive posted so wistfully about the past recently - I am happy where I'm at. I am happy with jade, and despite the tone of my more visceral posts, I don't want to be with anyone else. I feel so comfortable working through these ugly feelings because I have their support, y'know? there's no one in the world I'm more comfortable with, I can't imagine and never want to imagine having to go through my day without them again.

I will admit (and have admitted this to jade) that I can be sort of delusional at times and get lost in narratives that I make up in my head when I get stuck on something. Everything and anything to do with her, I definitely do this the most about, and it's had me consider in the past of course what my life would have been like had I stayed with her or Jade just wasn't here and I was on my own. I feel a weird sense of guilt around it, but I also think it's human to imagine all possibilities - and all other possibilities just make me so fucking sad. i get lost in the thought of her and all those unresolved and uncomfortable feelings sometimes, I'm introspective and my brain likes to hold onto things more than I've ever liked, but I could never imagine nor do I have any real desire anymore to be with anyone but jade. the idea of not having them around scares me. it makes me so sad to imagine a world where I'm not hearing their loud stupid snores from the other room or their silly voices and getting their from behind hugs when I'm cooking or going on our album drives or finding secret water, i love the fact that they never shut me up even when i feel so guilty about it and pretend to forget things ive told them bc they want me to go on a tangent again, the way they care about people and the world and politics and the conversations we have that literally are unmatched with anyone I've met ever,,,,, calling each other 'my love' constantly even if it's cringe and dancing together in the kitchen to sabrina carpenter and watching trashy dating shows and gossip girl and sex and the city and everything camp and ultra femme that ive always been too embarrassed to show people, pointing out actors we recognize in everything and making a game out of it, our bike rides, showers, playing story games together and losing actual days to it, just sitting in bed together in complete silence. even right now, they're snoring up a storm right next to me to the point it's slightly overstimulating, but im so peaceful just to be here with them with our little cat family. they get along so well with my family too 😭 honestly them being around has even brought me closer to them i think, i love watching jade and everyone talk in our family group chat and we've all been talking music for weeks in a way that I just don't think would've happened if jade and i didn't delve so hard into listening to tons of albums together, and never shutting up about it with everyone lol.

I just think they're so compassionate and kind and smart, the best listener ive ever met but also the only person ive really ever been able to talk to in such a natural way. everything with them has felt natural, even from the beginning when they freaked me out and i pushed them away for as long as possible lol. Everything they have to say is so wonderful to me, I could listen to them for hours. I get in my head and I get on a 'narrative' and i lose sight of everything that makes me happy so quickly. even if ive learned to stop actively self sabotaging when i get in a mindset, i hate realizing how much i can lose sight of what really concretely matters to me. there's no one else i would want to spend my days with, no one i admire more and no one i feel as comfortable with, almost ever. the connection born out of knowing someone so deeply from years of history and long term cohabitation is something that i didn't realize would be so intense, lol. i can't imagine going through my days without them.

i was so stuck on her for years and nothing really ever happened, despite the romantic tone of the relationship/friendship, and I didn't really realize until semi recently that because of that, I never really knew how I was in a relationship. only idealized pictures of what i wanted to be like or do. growing up, outside of her, the only other real romantic relationship i had had was with jade. i treated them like shit back then, and we lost contact for a long time because of that before we became friends again - but in a lot of ways, they're really all ive ever known romantically or physically. the stuff with a, was incredibly on and off and emotional and i spent most of it pining for naught and occasionally kissing her behind her boyfriend's back. so so so so so much of that relationship lived almost entirely in my mind, even if it had so much sway over myself. whereas with jade? the connection and magnetism towards each other was immediate and uncomplicated and intense, and it scared the shit out of me. i lost my virginity to them and vice versa and all that gross silly stuff. ever since we've met, we could barely be in the same room as each other for an hour without putting our hands all over each other or having some weird ~romantic~ moment .... it was also apparent to just about anyone with eyes. we connected so immediately and so intensely, and have just about the entire time we've known each other. even when we reconnected, we were friends for awhile again before anything but even then, we both still had feelings for each other and it was inevitable that we got to where we are now. when it came to the connection we have between us, there has never been any question. there's no one in this world id rather have had that experience with. in a lot of ways, ive learned how to love by loving them - all of my experience is tied up into our experience, and I wouldn't have it any other way. they're my best friend and my person and there's no one else in this world im so wholely myself with, so completely happy and content with. i love that we've grown up together and learned how to love together and i love the familiarity we have and the peace we have cultivated together. my mental health is still fucky sometimes, but i feel so fucking lucky and blessed to be able to sit next to them while they're conked out and snoring with an alfy in my lap and just. be in our little world. i have never felt this way before, and i don't know if i ever want to go back. i love them so much, and im just so giddy and excited to see how that will grow throughout the years i know we will spend together<3

[beennieboy]

i feel like i can see so clearly how you’re getting tired of me. you dont kiss me nearly as often as you used to, and it’s not the same, most of the time i feel like you’re doing it just to get it over with. you don’t try to engage in conversation as often. you don’t give me physical affection basically at all anymore, and you crave it less than before. you say you love me but i don’t really feel it. i guess maybe you’re not getting tired of me but you don’t love me same. it hurts and i don’t like it but i keep hoping maybe it’ll change. this is stupid. i don’t know how i’m supposed to change to make you happier. you don’t seem to care anymore. you don’t care to carry on a conversation. you just don’t think about kissing me ? somehow ? there’s no way i could go a whole day without thinking about kissing you. and i’ve already brought it up to you before and it couldn’t stick in your head. and since i’ve been so insecure in our relationship recently i feel like you might try to put in a little more effort to make me feel loved and wanted other just saying “i do love you” “i don’t want to breakup” i want you to show me. i want to feel it. and yea i do feel a little more insecure than i do most of the time abiut your new friend jordan. i don’t think you’ll leave me for him or anything but right now i feel like y’all have a better relationship than we do. and it sucks kinda really bad that u don’t really like to play games with me anymore. at least the games u want to play. and after not seeing eachother all day i come over with food and we eat and i ask you what you want to do and you say you’ve just been wanting to play with jordan all day ??? that’s a little upsetting. i just want you to WANT me. i’m jealous of the time you spend with him bc you don’t want to spend it with me anymore. i understand you want us to be our own people but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing anything when you just sit and home and play with jordan all the fuckin time. that’s exactly what you did before i left. i guess you just wanted to do it in peace. i feel like i’ve tried expressing to you many times that i don’t feel very wanted right now and insecure and it kinda seems like you’ve done nothing to try to help me feel any better about it. i would want to make sure you feel wanted in the relationship that we have. i don’t know why i can’t get over you being friends with him. sometimes it’s fine and other times it enrages me more than anything else and i hate it. i hate everything that’s going on right now. i don’t want space between us right now bc i feel like that’s the worst possible thing. i’m just so tired, of everything and of myself. im so sick of being stuck in a constant argument with myself over everything. i just feel like it’s ending and you haven’t let yourself realize it. i feel like you’re falling out of love with me, if you haven’t already. you can’t tell, but i can tell that something is different with you and it’s not just wanting space to be our own people. i just hate everything about this right now. i hate how i feel about you being friends with jordan and i hate how it’s been between us lately and i hate being at my house all the time i hate it. i feel like me being over here all the time isn’t going to help anything. at all. and i have to resort to fucking tumblr to vent bc i don’t have any real fucking friends. or anyone to talk to who isn’t you or our mutual friends. i dont feel like me leaving to stay at my house bc your version of “being your own person” is sitting at home doing the exact same thing we always do but instead of with me and our friends, it’s with jordan, is going to fix anything. kind of feels like i’m over here so you can just do what u always do but in peace. you say you’re trying to look for jobs but you won’t be able to work an in person job for a while and the work from places barely hire anyone so that’s gone. so all that’s left is to try to make your own friends but all you do is play with jordan and in private chat so you can’t even talk to other people. how can you make other friends like that. kms

[kdipshit]

Jesus motherfucking Christ ;

I would say I’m dependant on marijuana as my emotional regulation medication, so being off it, even for a day, I have seen that it drives me absolutely insane. Am I trying to ignore that feeling? I mean I fucking guess, the feeling when I’m off weed, is so unbearable, I must be choosing to run from the feeling. I have to be, other wise why else does that same sickening, disturbing anxious feeling come up. I’m finding it hard to sit with myself during these times, I’m usually crying, which is good, but my entire body shakes, my teeth chatter, emotional feelings become more real than physical touch, my emotional feelings are stronger than my senses.

Im not sure how long its going to take myself to pull it on up sober. I feel lost, but I know where to go. For the greatest time, I know where to go. Its a troublesome journey, like wizard of oz, I just gotta feel what I feel. I have so much faith that I will be alright. I’ve been writing with the door open, if you know what I mean, raw words, raw thoughts.

My drug and alcohol councillor is so happy that I’ve started a blog, I don’t know why I need this to be out there. I guess my energy is needed whenever I am, so I find myself always on the right path. Even during the sad moments.

I’ve put aside an hour to just write, my body is telling me I need to chill, for some reason my legs have been hurting for the past 2 days making it a massive effort just to walk, it has to be a sign, so I’ve been taking a rest and kind of laying down not really feeling productive, even tho I do everything I need to do throughout the day, I still feel like I’m stuck sometimes. I kind of have to trust that I will be okay, which I have recently learned so I’m not trippin. I just get scared about bad feelings or bad energies never going away. Again it’s pointing me to the fact that it’s my attachment to the feeling that isint letting me let it go. Just let go. Fuck I wish it was that easy. I’m sure it is lmao, but I might have a few blockages in my way still. I’m not afraid I’m just a little tired and need a break.

I can see my dark shadow lingering, behind the smoky mirror, behind the doors, behind my eyes.

Sometimes I feel like im an alien and none of this works for me. Am I really human? I dunno man. I guess not, it’s just a label right? I just am. Forget about language for a minute, forget about labels, attachments, thoughts and feelings, everything is still here without it all. That’s where I am. Accepting reality for what it is can get tricky when you experience psychosis. Never the less, it’s still there, it’s always there, the present, the now, it’s all that’s there.

Some days I’m just meant to be doing nothing but healing myself, with my same thing that wrecked me. Isint it ironic, of course if your brain can make u suicilly it can do the opposite. Just have to teach yourself.

Boredom is such a strong emotion, it’s stronger than most anyways, I can’t really be in my body when I’m bored, I don’t like the feeling, maybe boredom is a trigger lol. I guess I don’t like it bc I think I don’t, lol.