#because this precise situation has happened repeatedly in the past

[chaosintheavenue]

Just opened my askbox for the first time in a while.

Oops.

Oops.

[darkmaga-returns]

Meeting of the CSTO Collective Security Council in a narrow format.

Interwoven with his state visit to Kazakhstan was the Collective States Treaty Organization Council’s meeting is Astana, the Kazakh capital. The meeting was held in both narrow and wide formats, with much more of the narrow format being made available because of Putin’s speech delivered at it, which was directed well beyond the CSTO. Before we read the speech transcript, I want to mention and suggest this excellent reminder from the past by Marat Khairullen, “The Yeonpyeongdo Stage, "Oreshnik," and the North Korean factor” that was published today at his substack along with another short essay, “NATO wants a punch in the face. They're running into trouble again…”, that must be considered along with my essay about the need for NATO to Capitulate. Indeed, at this juncture, we need to amass as much information, past and present, as we can to make sense of what might happen in the near future. I’ll follow Putin’s narrow format speech with the presser he held afterwards in a separate article since both are somewhat long:

Vladimir Putin: Dear Kassym-Jomart Kemelevich, Dear friends!

First of all, I would like to thank the President of Kazakhstan and all our Kazakh friends for preparing today's meeting and for the active work that the Kazakh presidency has carried out this year with the support of teams from all our countries.

As our colleagues have already rightly pointed out, cooperation between our States within the framework of the Collective Security Treaty Organization is really important. This cooperation is allied in nature and is built on the principles of friendship, good neighborliness, and respect for each other's interests.

We have a military-political organization, and some colleagues asked me to report in more detail on how the situation is developing in the conflict zone in Ukraine, in the area of a special military operation, in the light of recent events. I always did this at our meetings. Of course, understanding the importance of the current events, I will be happy to do so today. I consider it my duty to inform you about the latest developments.

As you know, officials of Western countries in early November announced permission for the armed forces of Ukraine to strike at the territory of the Russian Federation with high-precision long-range weapons of Western production. We have repeatedly drawn attention to the fact that this will mean the direct involvement of these countries in an armed conflict, since the use of these weapons without the direct participation of military personnel and military specialists of the relevant NATO countries is simply impossible. As you know, despite our warnings about the danger of an escalation of the conflict, strikes on our territory were nevertheless carried out on the Bryansk and Kursk regions by American ATACMS and British Storm Shadow missiles. The consequences of these attacks and the damage caused to us were discussed in my statement on November 21.

[valictini]

Hey I came across your posts about the qsmp situation and although I absolutely understand your anger and dissapointment, things are not as easy as one might think. For one, Quackity Studios and Quackity himself are already in a legal procedure against the previous admins who stole money off the project, therefore, while it is still open, they legally cannot say much about the entire situation. We do not know how deep it actually goes, so there's that. Maybe at the beginning if it had all been resolved amicably it would have worked, but I find it hard to see.

The reason why those previous admins were not contacted, in my opinion, is because they 1. stepped away from the project, meaning, they do not form part of it currently, therefore they do not necessarily need to know everything that goes on in the administration and 2. as much as it does sound stupid there were a bunch of stuff here and there that these admins leaked, in fact, I remember being really weirded out because Lea in particular (no hate to her I empathize with her situation) was talking in Twitter about things that had nothing to do with her situation, like lore stuff, and that is a breach of trust in a person that they won't go to the public inmediatly, much more now that they've kinda gathered an audience by themselves. I do believe the ex-admins deserve closure, but I do think it should be well prepared, not empty promises, like saying "oh yeah we're gonna pay you" "well how much" "we still don't know" >> that would be a disaster, both PR and legally wise.

Hey, thanks for being cordial with your ask I appreciate it!

I'll put in in a read more because there's a lot ot unpack, and I'll try my best to explain why I don't think the studio ghosting ex employees is excusable.

First of all, i agree with your first point. I don't expect news from the legal procedures Quackity is having with the people who embezzled money from him. It's no one's business but his, and yeah, he doesn't have to share anything about that. Especially if it's legally binding.

Now, my problem is how the studio never contacted any of the victims (the ex employees). This is a separate issue altogether that has no link with the embezzlement issues. And should have been treated as much.

It is a workers' right issues.

The studio had 2 months and a lot of good faith on their side, but they didn't even ask for the victims' testimonies, despite being encouraged multiple times to do so by the french union. The amicable solution definetely was on the table, but by repeatedly ignoring all the warning signs, they've now put themselves in the situation where the only way to make them acknowledge their mistakes is probably going to be through legal procedures. And that is unfortunate, because again, everyone was willing to give them grace at the beginning.

Hell, with Quackity leaving the administration, they had a chance very recently to make this right, in a way that fans and ex employees would have probably been satisfied with. Something like, "the new administration seems to know what they're doing, i am willing to trust them". But they didn't.

And the argument that the admins that werent contacted have breached their trust by talking on twitter... is still not a good reason imo? Like, it started precisely because they werent heard in private. Sure, now the cats out of the bag and some ex admins are probably mentally blacklisted by the current admins, but it's still not right to ignore them.

People posting their testimonies in public is their right, and wouldn't have happened if, again, Qstudio had asked for them privately. Also, talking about behind the scenes info about past lore is just not that big of a deal to me. They're not spoiling any future lore or event. They're not breaking anything that wasn't already broken. But, yeah maybe in their minds, that's what's happening.

To me though, the trust argument falls completely flat when people who didn't do anything wrong (like Lumi or Ryan) have been ghosted. Especially Ryan who is still supposed to be working for Qstudio. Are they fired? Are they still in but ghosted? These are questions no one should have to ask.

And to me, there are ways to keep contact with the admins without making empty promises. The message I wrote in my precedent post was, to me, not an empty promise, but here is the more professional version: we want you there and appreciate the role you had in the project, but we realistically don't know if we'll be able to keep you there. We'll be in contact in the future if the opportunity to get you back in presents itself, but for now, we have to consider you not part of the project anymore.

Yes, it's harsh, yes, this would have made the fans mad if shared in public, but its more honest and to the point than being ghosted.

Finally, I do understand that my posts might have been more angry than usual, and im sorry if I've made people feel bad in any way, but I never maintag these posts for a reason. All I hope is that the people who want to still enjoy the QSMP take care of themselves and don't go through the negative tags.

[sketching-shark]

Do you like the sun and moon allegory that the show push for swk n LEMH n to a lesser extent how the fandom r pushing it futher by including mk as the star??

I dont rlly get why that of all symbolisms gets to b hammer in the most. My feelings for it is v much went from neutral to dislike bc it box in swk into this sorta narrative that ‘oh things were easy for him n hes so bright!” And oh poor macaque he got stuck in the shadows of swk bc he the moon! Like huh?? Definitely didn’t spurred me bc of how some ppl were quick to equate “sun” as what it mean in sun wukong name.

I just rlly don’t like this inclusion to the whole LEMH v SWK. I got more to say but this just it for rn soo thoughts?

Monkie Kid spoilers below

asdfrgerwredsff well as the local "guy who gets stupid angry at how completely western canon and fanon refuses to engage with the og classic true & false monkey king arc" I can't say I'm a fan anon. And yeah the automatic equation of the "Sun" in Sun Wukong to the English word "sun" was a bit goofy if understandable at first (we all work under particular assumptions based on the cultures and languages we were raised in after all), but now in a lot of ways it seems to stand as one more example of how many people in a dominant culture won't take the time to even do a quick google search to see what a word's meaning in its original context was.

But aside from that I personally don't feel like this sun and moon allegory & the underlying insistence on a close relationship is doing either Sun Wukong, the Six-Eared Macaque, or even Qi Xiaotian any favors...I've given my thoughts about this in other posts, but a quick summary is that even though Monkie Kid appears to have veered away sharply from the interpretation of the Six-Eared Macaque as a living manifestation of SWK's worst aspects and made him more of an independent character, his ongoing violent obsession with the Monkey King still means he has basically 0% traits or things in his life that aren't defined by SWK in some form or another. Everything from his apparent goals to his artistic expression is focused on the Monkey King, and given how thoroughly he hates him in the show's present well that is not a good situation for anyone to be in. In regards to SWK himself, the decision to give his and LEMH's relationship more importance through pushing the sun and moon allegory also has been a pretty big part in the presentation of the Monkey King as a worse and worse of a person. Because in Monkie Kid LEMH was originally introduced as an antagonist, but the route that's been chosen partially to make him more sympathetic was to repeatedly frame SWK as a betraying power-hungry bastard, just like LEMH claimed in his shadow puppet play. So now it's like we started with an image of SWK as genuinely heroic, but as he keeps making disastrous calls in the present and and information about his past comes out it's like him as a sun wasn't so much about providing life-giving warmth as it was about blinding and burning everyone around him, with the show itself being like "psych! turns out SWK lies all the time. psych! his plan to stop the Lady Bone Demon was indeed hot garbage. psych! actually all he ever does is hurt those who loved and trusted him. psych! it's been hinted that even Qi Xiaotian in his deepest and darkest truths is now convinced that SWK is nothing but an agent of chaos & destruction & he's terrified he'll turn out just like him." And then of course Qi Xiaotian is there having been repeatedly traumatized not just by the main big bads but also by LEMH repeatedly beating him up and also by the disastrous consequences of SWK's carelessness & bad judgment. So. Lmao.

Now of course I need to note that there's still a lot of unanswered questions about what precisely happened in the past from SWK's perspective, whose answers may indeed help clear up this toxic morass that is the current dynamic between SWK, LEMH, and Qi Xiaotian. And chances are good I'm forgetting more positive stuff or making the context appear worse than it actually is. Even so, I think you can point to the "the hero and the warrior were like the sun and the moon" as being one of the main starting points for the "SWK actually sucks and LEMH is the main victim of his terribleness" thesis that seems pretty popular in fandom and increasingly in canon. Again, I might just be carrying too much of a negative nancy pessimism about all of this, and of course it must be acknowledged that the overall situation is more complicated, but at least to me as it currently stands the sun and moon allegory seems to have not accomplished much except flip the "good" and "evil" designations between SWK and LEMH (X_X)

[void-occupation]

love all of these with my entire being, couldn't resist adding to it lol

Nifty and Alastor. Nifty is 100% the ler in this situation, and not just because she's canonically not ticklish. She is an absolute gremlin and is completely merciless when she decides to tickle someone. Safewords exist with her, but you have to make sure she can hear you when you say it - she'll get so lost in hr attack that she'll completely forget to listen for it. She usually tickles Alastor if she thinks he's upset, or if he's committed a particularly heinous crime against her cleaning agenda (hint about a fic I've written and am currently proofreading???), and she is a little monster about it. If she wants him to admit something, he'll do it within a few minutes. No matter how much he shields himself, her hands are so small, they can squeeze past his defenses to get his worst spots. She's also surprisingly patient - she can build up to a session for days, her current record is 13 days. The anticipation makes Alastor super skittish because he never knows when she'll strike. No matter what, if Nifty decides to tickle him, Alastor will end up crying by the end of the session, if not by the middle. She is scarily precise and always knows what methods/spots will draw out the most intense reactions

Alastor and his shadow. I like to think that they are actually very close emotionally, and his shadow is Alastor's #1 ler, if only because they are around each other 99% of the time. His shadow (they/them) will tickle him for literally any reason. Waking up a few minutes late? Tickles. Anxious/sad/upset at all? Soft cheer-up tickles. Alastor's in a sudden lee mood? They can cater to whatever he needs, be it gentle teasing or a full-blown wrecking. Will use shadowy tendrils to restrain Alastor 9/10 times, even if it's just holding one arm up while they tickle his armpit/side. They're also not afraid to do subtle tickle attacks in front of other people - the most memorable of which being the time that they discreetly tickled his entire torso for a whole overlord meeting and Alastor was literally shaking in his seat and clamped one of his hands over his mouth to physically stop his laughter. Alastor pretends to be mad when that happens, but in reality he's just incredibly flustered

Alastor and Zestial. Happens very rarely and Alastor is always baffled/flustered by it. Zestial has developed pretty strong paternal instincts for Carmilla's daughters and Alastor, though he's never told Alastor as much. He's more of the quietly caring kind of guy, and Alastor is physically incapable of picking up on that kind of thing, though he respects the fuck out of Zestial and always looks forward to their talks. Zestial always makes his tickles seem like they could be accidents. Running his claws up and down Alastor's spine in a way that's shockingly ticklish, grazing the back of his neck when he goes to put a hand on Alastor's shoulder, repeatedly poking Alastor in the ribs/belly when mentioning that he should eat more. Again, very subtle, but he always knows exactly what he's doing. Zestial is just doing his part in making sure Alastor's smile is more genuine in his presence, and if that means poking at his ribs until he's muffling laughter behind clenched teeth and fighting the urge to twist away, the so be it

Tickle hcs for hazbin!

CW/TW: This has lots of sadomasochism and implied CNC (all SFW though!)

(characters included: Charlie, Alastor, The Vees (all 3), Husker, and Lucifer)

tickle rants/fic ideas and inspo stuff (Feel free to add on stuff and/or use these!) 

Rosie and Alastor. Come on lets get some potential in here, she’d totally do intense tk sessions with him. She isn’t stopping until he safewords. He may be scared, yes, but he gave her full permission + consent to do it. (We could honestly go for a CNC vibe!) Rosie is ruthless with tickles, and isn’t really too shy when it comes to lees. She knows their boundaries + limits, and is careful when pushing a lee past the limit. Rosie also owns a voodoo doll of Alastor. But other sessions can be all fluffy and sickening sweet! Soft tickles, teasing little petnames and nicknames (are those the same thing?), gentle pokes and prods. Rosie def knows how to melt a lee, (again, looking at you Alastor,) and loves seeing them be all fluffy and sweet with her.

Vox and Alastor. Alastor is probably more a 50/50 switch with this one, Vox the same. In my opinion, Alastor totally fear chases Vox down all too often for tickle sessions. Knife play isn’t uncommon. CNC is also probably in this one too! I def think Vox would be super teasy with words and tickles when he’s wrecking Alastor. He probably loves doing anticipation stuff–casual pokes and prods when in front of people, little innocent teases, and this could go on for hours on end until Alastor finally just begs Vox to wreck him. When Alastor is tickling Vox, I feel like he’d be on the more sadistic side of things. Ticklish nibbles/bites, claws (he has claws!!!), he’d probably use his tendrils when tickling him. Both can be fluffy one second and wildly sadomasochistic the next. To me its a 50/50.

Vox, Velvette, and Val. They are def on the more sadomasochistic side of things. I feel like Vox and Val are the main lees in the trio, Vel being the ler in most situations. She isn’t afraid to make her lees cry. Val and/or Vox could be crying and begging her to stop, but she isn’t going to. There’s a reason a safeword is set in place. She knows how much they can take + when they’re actually done. I think Velvette would be the one who would do tickle sessions for hours on end. Occasionally she’ll have/let Vox help with wrecking Val and pushing him past limits. They’re sadomasochists, and Vel would totally record sessions.

Val and Alastor (not my most common lee/ler thingy for me). I feel like its a 50/50 here. Alastor enjoys seeing Valentino sob from being tickled. he doesnt like Val that much anyway, so seeing him in pain brings out that sadistic side. Alastor isn’t too kind when it comes to tickles for Val. Val is kind of the same way. He would defninetly trick/force Alastor into drinking a potion that increases ticklish sensations. The poor deer will be thrashing and begging before Val even touches him. And when it actually does start, Alastor probably will be crying within the first five to ten minutes. But then again, safeword is in place. Both demons are sadomasochists. 

Velvette and Alastor. (Personal preferences for female lees have me saying Alastor is the lee in all situations). Velvette enjoys recording tickle sessions. She knows how sadomasochistic Alastor is so purposely does things to rile him up (anticipation, tapping her fingers up his back/sides/etc, talking about tickles in front of him.) When it’s time for the actual session, he’s essentially shaking from wanting the tickles so badly. He does but up a front of saying he doesnt want them until Vel forces him into saying he wants the tickles. He doesnt like the fact that she records it, but he cant really stop her.

Alastor and Husker. 50/50 switch again. Alastor loves doing fear chases with the soul he owns. Seeing the cat sprint away and try to hide while he’s calmly and slowly chasing him down is everything to him. He can sense the fear in Husker which makes it better. Husk enjoys the fear chases but would never say it. Alastor does own a voodoo doll of Husk. When Husk is tickling Alastor, he often has to chain him down so he isn’t thrashing all pver the place. Alastor likes to feel like he’s still in control. so he tells Husk what/where he can tickle and how much. Both demons enjoy the tickles, Alastor moreso than Husk. Husk can/will make cat noises when tickled. 

Charlie and Alastor. (again with my female lee stuff, Charlie isn’t a lee here.) Charlie I think is more soft tickles with Alastor. She enjoys just melting the deer with soft tickles. Charlie also enjoys seeing him start to whine and giggle for more. She loves teasing him, but I think she wouldn’t be too cruel with him. Alastor does tease her through the tickles too, because of the whole wanting to feel in control thing. 

Lucifer and Alastor. Lucifer is more the lee with these two. Alastor enjoys doing soft and rough tickles with Lucifer. He loves to see his rival/partner reduced to an absolute laughing mess from tickles. One way he loved to rile Lucifer up is to drag a hand/tendril down Lucifer’s back to make all six wings flare out, then being all innocent snd pretending it wasn’t him. Lucifer does get Alastor back, although more ruthless. Lucifer’s weak spot may be his wings, but god do angelic feathers work hellish wonders as tickle tools. He slips a wing or two underneath Alastor’s clothes to get right up against the fluffy deer. It tickles like hell. Overall, Alastor loves it.

wowowowow i went overboard lol enjoy!!

[irrealisms]

c!Tommy is annoying (and that’s important)

I have... a lot of feelings about c!Tommy in s2, from the start of the exile conflict through the Green Festival. I also think the fandom tends to mischaracterize him--I know I’m guilty of this, and as a c!Tommy lover I’ll be mostly addressing a thing that I and other people who love his character don’t focus on as much--which makes me sad because the aspects of his character that tend to get glossed over are also some of the ones that are most personally meaningful to me. (rest of the post is /rp, because “c!” gets annoying to type.)

Specifically: Tommy is loud. He’s abrasive. He’s annoying. He threatens, he griefs, he steals. He lies, blatantly, all the time. He tends to be self-centered (despite being deeply selfless). He lashes out at people who are trying to help him.

He is, in short, a bad victim.

And this is precisely what makes him vulnerable. 

Some people on the server were opposed to and sad about exile, sure. But a lot of people? Thought it was funny, that it was natural consequences, that it was deserved. Sapnap came and laughed, Technoblade came and laughed, Lazar came and laughed, Quackity came and laughed. Now, we don’t know what would have happened if Ranboo was the one being isolated and abused; maybe it would be the same. But I don’t think it would have been. A lot of characters have issues with Tommy or simply find him unpleasant to be around, and I would imagine that a significant number of them were probably, on some level, kind of relieved that he wasn’t their problem anymore. To be clear, I don’t entirely blame them for this! Tommy is... a lot, and they (mostly) didn’t know the full extent of what Tommy was going through. Even those of them that tried to visit with good intentions often got their gifts burned and called “pity gifts”, got insulted or yelled at by Tommy, etc.--or in Jack Manifold’s case, actually killed! The first time I watched the leadup to exile arc, I found Tommy difficult to sympathize with at first--he lied to L’Manberg before his trial; he refused to cooperate with probation while he was on it, even though Tubbo was pushing for it as an alternative to exile; at the beginning of exile, he would sometimes log on to visitors, drive them away, and then complain that he was lonely. As much as it’s obviously ultimately Dream’s fault, it’s easy to look at Tommy and not feel much sympathy for his position or feel that it’s partially self-made. It’s easy for outsiders to look at a Tommy who isn’t stealing, isn’t griefing, who is comparatively quieter, who isn’t their problem anymore, and be relieved rather than concerned. 

Exile arc makes it obvious that they’re wrong.

(Incidentally, I have a lot of sympathy for what Dream’s going through in the prison.)

And not only are they wrong, but exile makes the consequences of this painfully, horrifyingly clear: the abuse gets worse, Tommy gets more and more depressed, and at the climax of it all Tommy attempts suicide. 

(Although notably to me, he’s not the stereotypical victim during exile arc, either--he doesn’t cry on stream, he’s still trying to make dumb jokes, he’s not strategic, he refuses to listen to people, he switches wildly between fight and fawn responses without much correlation with who he’s talking to or how he’s being treated.)

Tommy’s recovery arc, after all of this, starts with him stealing valuables from Technoblade, building a secret basement underneath the existing basements, and then loudly asserting that it’s his house and Technoblade is trespassing.

I could talk about how these things are rooted in trauma. I could talk about how his constant eating of golden apples comes after a period of food insecurity, appetite/disordered eating problems, and physical abuse. I could talk about how he’s regained some of his energy after a period of depression but has nowhere to let it out in a small basement room. I could talk about how he repeatedly annoys Technoblade--quite probably the best PVPer on the server--perhaps in part as a test of how far he can go before he gets abused again, and in part as a sign that he feels safe enough to be annoying without being abused.

But that’s... not the heart of it, at least not to me. The heart of it is that before exile, Tommy would have stolen from Technoblade without a second’s thought, and during exile, Tommy didn’t steal from Technoblade because “Dream wouldn’t like it”, and afterwards, he steals from Technoblade again. 

Sure, he’s being annoying. But more importantly, he’s being himself again. Before exile, I might have rolled my eyes, because Technoblade worked for those potions and golden apples and armor and so on, and Tommy’s totally ruining his chest organization system. After exile? I cheered. Tommy’s being Tommy again. And, yeah, that means that he’s being annoying, he’s stealing, he’s ruining dramatic moments. So what? None of that stuff is actually all that bad, in the grand scheme of things. He’s not depressed, he’s not suicidal, he’s not being abused. He’s a teenager and he’s having fun. Technoblade will tease him for it, but he won’t hit Tommy, won’t take his stuff, won’t threaten him, won’t isolate him any further. That’s what a proportionate response to finding Tommy annoying looks like: teasing. 

I’d also like to address one more thing, which... I couldn’t figure out how to fit in the rest of the post, but it felt incomplete without it. Right before the meeting that ends with Tommy pulling out Spirit, Tommy asks everyone what the plan is, and is basically told that the plan is for him to be quiet. He says “you guys, please, for the love of God, you know I’ve watched for this long, I’m not going to be quiet.” He reiterates this throughout the conversation: he can try to be quiet, but it is not, ultimately, as easy for him as “be quiet”. This is also the source of Tubbo’s anger at him-- Tommy can’t do “one simple thing” for him. I’m not claiming Tommy is neurodivergent, but... as a neurodivergent person, Tommy repeatedly saying “I cannot do this thing that is simple for you, I can’t, empirically every time we have tried this in the past it has failed, if you make more plans based on that then they will also fail, have you met me” and having this seen as evidence of me not caring or trying... resonated with me. Which isn’t to say it’s not a flaw--almost all character traits can be flaws in the right (or, well, wrong) situations--but it does show that Tommy has some level of self-awareness about his flaws, which is something I appreciate about him, and it frustrates me when that goes unacknowledged. Tommy knows he’s annoying. He jokes about it. But he can’t actually... turn it off. Whether or not he should (and I would argue that he shouldn’t have to) isn’t even in question: he can’t. This is who he is. The only time we see him less loud and more capable of being obedient is exile, when he’s severely depressed and being abused. That’s fascinating to me, as a character trait!

In my experience, there’s a specific archetype of abuse victims in fiction that is... overrepresented. I can’t quite find the words to talk about it in a way that doesn’t technically include Tommy, but... the ways Tommy is important to me is the ways that (a) he doesn’t fit that archetype (b) not fitting that archetype makes him more vulnerable to abuse. He’s not always easy for other characters to talk to or sympathize with... which makes him uniquely easy to isolate and victim blame. That’s important. I think I tend to downplay Tommy’s annoying tendencies because I want to emphasize his sympathetic traits, and that’s fine, but it’s important to me that... Tommy’s a victim, and he’s annoying. Annoying people can be victims just as much as shy rule-followers can. Not only that: Tommy’s a victim in part because he’s annoying. Him being annoying is a risk factor for abuse, not an excuse for it.

[hellsbellschime]

I always love your takes on Dany because I think you explain her really well and was wondering what you think of this take by a Dany stan. It's got some uh... interesting ideas. Sorry too because it's quite long

The main difference in between Daenerys' political arc, and that of other "heroes" and their Houses is that Dany's is not currently a political arc relegated to fighting for Targaryen grievances and wins. Meanwhile, all other main House representatives in the narrative (Starks, Martells, Lannisters, Greyjoys, Tullys, Tyrells, Baratheons) are generally fighting precisely for nothing else but their own (and their Houses') grievances and wins.

That's where the double standards come in-

+ Daenerys is harshly and minutely judged for the quality of her every act, upon every single person in her narrative, bc her arc involves her aim to hold responsibility over the wellness of all these people.

+ Everyone else who are part of the Great Houses however are merely judged as per how they perform towards the wellness of their own Houses, because that's all they aim to perform for.

One girl dies in an act Dany is not directly involved in, particularly in intention, and the discussions are endless as per the repercussions and outrage of the occurrence. Because Daenerys took it upon herself to defend all these people, and this seems like a failure, particularlyin her POV: one girl with no other importance in the story and a few lines, among maybe millions. One girl. Hazea.

Robb Stark and his men, on the other hand, will kill, maim and rape thousands, or even tens of unnamed thousands, and there is no outrage; rarely discussed repercussions. Because Robb's political arc is not about protecting nameless people. Not about caring for the fate of one-liner non-noble characters. His arc is about the grievances of House Stark. About Ned. Readers judge him upon how close he gets to getting revenge on Tywin and Jofrrey, about how well/or bad he leads wars, not about what kind of leader he is to people, what kind of 'monster' he is to enemy commonfolk. The relevance of his eventual loss is not about the fate of his people, or enemy people, either. It's about his personal tragedy. It's about the tragedy of the remaining Starks.

There is outrage for Daenerys even killing her (leader) enemies. For everyone else, it's an undisputed aim.

Daenerys is even already judged for the possibility of a future where she will anything that concerns her actually being Daenerys of House Targaryen in Westeros. The possibility that any Westerosi people might die, while hundreds of thousands may have been dying so far at the hands of other Great Houses (directly and indirectly), and it's mostly irrelevant for them. But for Daenerys that judgement is everything. She is looked through the lense of "if she's a Queen she's meant to protect them, not kill them" tho she has not yet been granted that status, while those who have had the status of Kings, Queens and Lords of Westeros in the meantime have been responsible for the deaths of their own people all of this time.

No noble Northener really cares for a Jeyne Poole, least of all for a Hazea.

Daenerys alone is (harshly) judged as a leader of people, because that's her current actual arc. She is not Daenerys of House Targaryen currently, in a real sense, not really. Her family and House don't really matter where she is now, and to what she is doing.

Almost every other noble character (and I only say almost to partly exclude those not taking particular part in politics) is given the leniency of the tragic MC in a tragic family drama biopic. ALL THEY ARE IS X PERSON OF HOUSE Y. And in most cases nothing else matter. - end post

Well, obviously no hate to this person whoever they are and I don't necessarily think it's a bad take just because I disagree with it. I particularly DO agree on things like Jeyne Poole, and I think that is GRRM very intentionally trying to point out some huge hypocrisies with everyone in the story, even the "good guys", because it is incredibly unfair that no one will come to save Jeyne Poole while a fuckton of people will come to save "Arya Stark" just because they cared about Ned.

But where I don't agree is on that aspect in particular. Because it's not about winning or airing grievances for these great houses, a lot of their actions are largely driven by the fact that they simply care deeply about the other people who are involved in the war now or who have been hurt or killed in the past wars, and that is largely what is motivating many of them to do what they do. And in even more intense cases, they're going to war because they are in extremely immediate danger.

This is true for both villains and heroes, I mean Robb and Cat go to war against the Lannisters because there is an immediately mortal threat to their entire family, and even though Cersei and the rest of the Lannisters are clearly villains, their actions are also driven by an immediate mortal danger that their family is facing. And it's safe to say, a huge portion of what happened in the WOT5K would never have even occurred if a lot of these people weren't put in a position of "HOLY SHIT me or someone I love is about to die RIGHT NOW if I don't do something so I better fucking do something".

I feel like the story makes it clear that the wars that they are fighting are very pointless and brutal anyway. I mean FFS, GRRM does not accidentally traumatize the shit out of Arya by putting her in a commoner's position in a war that is supposedly being fought in her name. So I actually agree with the writer in the sense that there is a double standard when it comes to Dany vs. everyone else, but I feel like the double standard is valid because all of these characters for better or worse have a dog in this fight. Whatever they've done is incredibly personal and therefore pretty irrational for them.

And the fact that the men are rallying to save Arya Stark when they wouldn't rally to save a thousand Jeyne Pooles is very telling and demonstrates that they are extremely hypocritical, but it's also telling because they're not fighting for the "heir to House Stark". They repeatedly talk about how they're fighting for Ned's girl. It has very little to do with her nobility and power and a great deal to do with how these people feel about Ned not as a Stark, but just as a person that they knew and cared for who was horribly wronged.

So while I agree and recognize that a ton of the main characters have done the wrong things, often for the wrong reasons, it's personal, it's emotional, and it's irrational. And in a lot of cases it is driven by something as simple and pure as "I am about to die if I don't do something so I'm doing the first thing I fucking think of to get out of it". Even for the houses who initially got involved as a power play, it has become very much about the people that they care about and their own feelings rather than strategy and house advancement.

That doesn't magically make it moral, but it does make it hugely distinct from what Daenerys is doing. Because Daenerys doesn't have a dog in this fight at all. She has absolutely no personal ties to Westeros or anyone in it, and she is not in any danger from anyone in Westeros. Literally the only Westerosi person who has ever even really tried to kill her is a man she doesn't know and is already dead, and the only Targaryen she ever knew who even had a connection to Westeros was someone she hated who abused her horrifically and who is also already dead.

Ergo, Dany is a villain because she literally has no personal or political justification for the massive war that she's going to bring to Westeros. She is going to leave the place she's in that is a complete mess and desperately needs help even more than it did after her intervention, and she's going to invade a place that she doesn't care about beyond some imaginary concept she has about it in her head, has no connection to, has no need for her, and poses no threat to her.

She's not fighting for anything besides herself and her own sense of entitlement over Westeros. She's more harshly judged for her actions because they are completely driven by her own whims and desires and nothing more. She has the opportunity to think things through and plan and get advice and actually figure out the best way to do things, whereas every character in Westeros is reacting to something very immediate that they don't have a lot of time to consider and that is deeply emotional for them. But still, she doesn't even do that.

She's judged for all of the mistakes she makes because they're unnecessary and foreseeable mistakes. And, if she actually just waited and tried to figure out what to do instead of basically throwing herself into situations where she's suddenly overthrowing governments and ruling hundreds of thousands of people without a plan or any governing experience, then a lot of the bad things that have happened as a result of her campaign wouldn't have happened.

And obviously, I think this is a very intentional move on GRRM's part. I think he establishes that war is pointless and often outrageously hypocritical with the WOT5K, but there's a reason he gave Dany no one she loves and no one who needs her help and no one who poses a threat to her in Westeros. She's going to bring war to an already war-ravaged continent simply because she feels like it should belong to her.

That is drastically different than Robb going to war because his father has been falsely charged with treason or Cersei murdering Robert because he will try to murder her children if he finds out they're not his. And while all of the wars in ASOIAF are terrible and purposeless in the end, GRRM is going very far out of his way to demonstrate that Dany has literally zero justification or even explanation for why she acts the way she does beyond her belief in her own super-special entitlement.

[life-rewritten]

TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE SCARS VS FALSE MASKS

I'm actually surprised I have a new Korean drama to fall for before the end of the year. After testing out what's available, True Beauty feels like the one for me. I was going to watch it regardless of if it made me analyse because it's directed by Extraordinary You PD. I love how he shows the plot of his shows, his romances are always soft yet angsty, and they make you feel so many emotions whilst laughing and smiling and perhaps swooning over certain second leads and protagonists. After Start-Up I swore of love triangles, and yet True Beauty comes with just that, yet I'm having so much fun watching this show for the past 3 weeks, and it's been a ride. It's precisely what the title says it's focused on True Beauty. The actual meaning of beauty and perspectives on what is truly beautiful and what's not, the psychological trauma of being someone perceived as not socially pleasing to the world, and being forced to hide to survive the harsh environment. It's an emotional look into another teenage drama, full of angst, romance, self-love, and self-acceptance. I'm enjoying it a lot, and my heart has been tugged at each episode, so I'm not saying True Beauty is my full focus, but I have spoken about it here, and from episode 5 and 6, I somehow have a lot to say.  So let's get into it

True Scars vs False Masks

True Beauty episode 5 and 6 focus on the effect of PTSD and trauma symptoms which each of our main characters have to go through. Apart from Seojun, who has his own frustrations and pains connected to the overarching plot, but not as pronounced as these three.

Kyung, Suho and Soojin are triggered by certain parts of their memories, making them afraid, broken down, and self-hating. The first thing to mention when focusing on Kyung's ideology of true beauty. Kyung may think that being seen as beautiful is the only way to make her self survive her own past traumas, but the two perceived beautiful people who are praised and known for having everything by their peers,  are just as scared, suffering and hurt by the world as she is. All by the cruelty and insensitiveness of different people in their lives.

Ju Kyung: The mask of Beauty

Kyung is forced to relieve yet again her trauma as a bully victim when she bumps into the girl. The very bully that caused her to finally break down and wear her mask for protection. One thing to notice in episode 5/6  as she takes care of Seojuns sister; she realised that wearing a mask isn't the right way to live comfortably and she questions why she can't have the same confidence and inspiration in her self to be brave.  Which is what people would quickly want to say about her situation, just love your self, only trust your self, just be your self. Still, as we've seen from the past episodes, the reason is that when her mask is uncovered, and she's her true self, her past comes to find her and the people who cruelly lowered her down to nothing before their eyes, who proceeded to hurt and abuse her because of how she looks. The girl who likes to emotionally have control over Kyung's self-esteem like a leash she can't escape from,  people like her that can't stand to see Kyung be happy with her skin,  is why it's even more painful when Suho tells her that he's doing all he does for her as pity it's heart-breaking. It makes her feel even more inferior because she's being a burden to the guy, she's come to have feelings for, and it's still because of her looks in a way. Because he's the first person who knows her real face under her mask of makeup.

It’s not just the bullies that do this to her, that make her feel so ashamed and guilty for wanting to just be her self. People who she’s close to, her ex best friend betrayed her because of this issue, (to avoid being bullied) and her mother is harsh and cruel beyond words, always breaking her self esteem, ignoring her child’s plight when she could actually be of help to her, and mocking her every time just cause she isn’t smart. Her mother proceeds to not understand the real trauma in her daughter’s life, not even knowing or taking it seriously that there was a time where Kyung almost gave up everything and took her life, just because of how exhausted she was by what society was making her think about her true self. 

When Suho said that I was so agitated and disappointed. When cruel and forced to wear his own mask of coldness, Suho can be harsh and ruthless. However, it still felt problematic to me because he knows how sensitive Kyung is about her looks, how much she suffered because of it, he's the one who saw her almost choose to take her own life because of it and he's also seen her try desperate attempts to avoid it. To cruelly say it's because of pity that he's been doing all he did by her side and she's being a bother; it's upsetting and just annoying. I'm annoyed that he still refuses to communicate with her properly about it, tell her it's not because of pity and she's not a problem.

To come to her house/ accept her mother's invitation and act like he's not told her she's a burden is just upsetting and it's exhausting because she doesn't want to keep on feeling like she owes him because he's hiding her secret about her looks. It's also sad because you realise that it must have broken her heart more because when she felt she had someone on her team who saw her without her mask and chose to be there for her, help her and understand her, this same person threw her away saying she was a weight to him. When she finally felt she was able to be herself and like her self without her mask, she deserved to be free without making up, especially his last words to her before he switched himself off, was that she was beautiful without makeup. That one quote, that one stance, and one act of support for her meant everything. Yet her one source of defence and her foundation to bounce back from her worries and fears rejected her and told her she wasn't important; her presence was upsetting him.

Again Kyung is forced to think that what she needs to do to survive is to be beautiful to wear her mask; it's the only way she will be accepted. That's what Suho harsh words did to her, and despite that, she still ran to him to be his defence and protection. They both do the same thing for each other; if you notice Suho protects her always when she's at her worst broken down and without her mask of beauty. Suho is protected by her finding him and literally shielding him with her warmth and comfort letting him know he's not alone and he's understood.

Suho: The mask of Coldness

Before I focus on their dynamic though back to masks and scars. The reason why Kyung runs to Suho is where the plot for his PTSD symptoms comes in. Suho without the act is also broken, guilty and tired of people refusing to listen to him. His issue is that whilst people see his richness and privileges as a positive for him, they're his source of guilt and pain. His mask is to push people off and not expect or trust things with people, because of this he's seen as the guy who's unreachable in a good way, attractive and has it all and everyone wants his attention and needs to beg for it. His mask works for him, so he doesn't seem vulnerable, and he doesn't let people easily break him.

But we know he's exceptionally vulnerable because of the guilt of Seyeon having symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, broken and self-hating. The cruelness of the world isn't attacking him like Kyung, but it's using him as a tool to hurt others well that's what he believes anyway. His dad is powerful and intense and leads to people feeling broken as Seyeon, and they take drastic measures to end it. The school praises him and lets him get away with stuff if he gets in a scuffle but they hurt others more harshly just by looking at their background and status, they did this to Seojun when they got in a fight in episode 4.

No matter what happened, Suho has never been able to get away from the price that came with his reputation and status. It cost him so much at the end it made him lose his closest friend, and it made him lose himself to the guilt of not being able to be the person everyone wanted him to be for not being able to reach that 'divine'' Suho reputation people give him.

For him, being with him hurts people, and so he pushes Kyung away harshly and wears a mask of coldness and harshness to prevent people wanting or expecting things from him and to make sure he wallows in his guilt alone. Without his mask, Suho is just a boy lost, frightened and traumatised. He's broken by what's happened, and with Kyung not only does she help him, but she also does when they first meet.

 She unintentionally provides him with a way to speak out his feelings and save her the way he couldn't do to his friend, but also she's there for him even during times she shouldn't be; she runs and finds him, she lets him cry and breakdown, and she understands him with a few words. She knows what it's like to be afraid and broken, and she knows why it's like to feel like no one understands your pain.

Both she and Suho understand each other because they've been hurt and exhausted each time something from the past comes to remind them of the guilt of being who they are and wallowing in self-hate and disgust. It's so heartbreaking, but they both run to each other time and time again at their most needed moment.

Soo Jin: The mask of Strength

Someone else with the same issues that also proves to Kyung that the beauty she craves/ the reputation to be seen as having it all isn't great; is Soo Jin. Whilst on the surface she’s incredible, she’s powerful, fights for everyone, protects Kyung like a knight in shining armour, is protective of all her friends, uses her strengths to help others, and ensure people aren’t looked down on, or broken down. 

Soo-Jin is also put into the same situation as Kyung and Suho, she's also broken down mentally, physically and emotionally. She's had her self esteem be destroyed repeatedly; for never getting to the top except she is always on top. She's the girl who has everything, like Suho her mask is the girl who has everything sorted, she's kind but harsh to the right people, she's protective because she doesn't like bullies and cruelty. She's intelligent and also beautiful naturally as Kyung puts it.

Still, her mask of strength is unveiled when you realise she's forced to put up with a bigger bully her own father, he's cruel, abusive and degrades her by physical violence. It's heart-breaking. To have the control, she repeatedly tries to wash her hands clean to the point they're raw and dry when she stressed and terrified. When she's broken and scared, she tries to restart again, washes her hands clean and starts again making her self anew, making her mind anew, and becoming stronger. 

Her washing her hands mindlessly is the only time we see her without her mask, and no one can see her scars on the apparent parts they're hidden on her hands dry and cracked and easily misunderstood as dryness or mistake. Easily the part of the body that's not noticed at first.

Cruelty, Scars and Trauma

That's the thing with scars in this show and PTSD.  Kyung's mask covers up the acne scars that people have hurt her because of.  Yet now those scars are actively hidden under her makeup and guise of beauty, she has those external scars but also mental scars about how she looks she's been forced to a mindset where seeing her self in the mirror automatically gives her shivers, makes her terrified and go into self-hating phase. She's been forced to hide who she truly is because that was taken away from her by bullies because of her looks.' it just sucks and hurts.

Suho's mask covers his internal scars and burdens placed on him, you won't think he's broken or hurting from his past because his mask of coldness which makes everyone think he uses the status and reputation for his strength instead of loathing it. Suho's internal scars have made him become someone who's closed off, distrustful and harsh sometimes and no one understands it, they take it the wrong way, staying away from him. For example Seojun it's Suho's mask that made him think Suho was despicable and felt guiltless when in reality every single word SeoJun said to Suho about wanting him to never be happy until after he dies, about making sure he never has a good time because of Seoyeon just drives deeper with that self-hate. Disgust, Suho has for himself; it's like Seojun keeps repeatedly stabbing his wounds all over again. When he appears the issues increase even more if you've noticed, Suho's symptoms of PTSD increased because Seojun had started to actively make him go back to feeling guilty and remind him of the choice he made to push people away. Seojun playing a role in this is so upsetting, and it's made it hard for me to like his character as much as I did before.

The masks may cover up their scars in their minds and to others, but it won't make them free the way they want to be. These characters break my heart and have been through so much.

I'm loving this show. I think it gets better and more painful each episode, but it has the light moments, it touches your heart, and it makes you smile and cry so much. The romance between Suho and Kyung is also precious despite certain pauses in their growth because of their masks and miscommunications. However, the fact that they're each other's refuge to be free without their masks, to breath and to see each other the way others can't it's beautiful. Seojun's feelings for Kyung are also growing. I'm torn because I like his moments so much but thinking about emotional torment and pain he causes Suho, especially in these episodes isn't my cup of tea. Kyung sees him as a sibling right now, and I wonder if that's all she's ever goanna accept him as I actually want him and Soojin to be together at the end and Soojin is slowly getting into her role of second lead for Suho. I hope they don't use her hurt as a way to make her a villain. That's be sick if she breaks down because Suho likes Kyung not her like no let's avoid this storyline.

[let-them-read-fics]

Yours Truly (Pt. 2)

Requested By: Some of you!

Pairing: Jisoo x Fem!Reader

AU: College

Word Count: Part 1 -> 9,786 // Part 2 -> 7,433

Warnings / Misc. -- Angst, Pining, Fluff

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Here's the second and final part of the imagine, gang. I hope you enjoy the adventures I wrote for you! Let me know about your fav part(s)!

♡ Happy Reading ♡

Part 1 -- Click Here

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

5.) Epiphanies

A Week Later

"Yuqi, why the hell did you drag me here? I'd so much rather be writing…" you shove your hands further into the pockets of your hoodie and look at her with a scowl. Rows of people fill the bleachers around you, everyone excited for the football game that's scheduled to start soon. Happy couples sit together all around the stadium, and the sight only works to remind you of how weird things are with Jisoo right now.

"One: it's a Friday night and you need to let loose, and two: I wanted to come, so you have to tag along by default. The rules of friendship are very simple, Y/N," she trails off, tilting her head at you with a smile. 

"Well I am gonna go get some food," you imitate her, "Do you want anything?" You stand from the bench and look down at her, noticing how her permed hair sticks up in a few different places. You smooth it out for her as she answers, "Nachos, please." 

"Alright, dork. I'm sure the line's kinda long, but come look for me if I'm not back in 20." She pats your butt as you leave, and you just shake your head with a smile. 

"--I know! Did you hear about Lee's new girlfriend? I heard she got in a fight with his ex last ni--"

"I'm fucking starving bro."

"Yeah, they totally hooked up at Jackson's party!"

Various conversations work their way to your ears as you walk towards the back of the line, but you attempt to not get too invested in the gossip. As welcoming as your school tends to be, even it has its fair share of scandals and drama. You've never been one to care about rumors though, and you don't plan to start now.

"I heard that Jisoo likes someone." 

Funny how plans can change in an instant, don't you think? 

You can't find it in yourself to ignore the childish desire to eavesdrop, so you listen in as the line slowly shifts forward with each new customer served, doing your best to be inconspicuous. 

"Supposedly she's been into them for a while but they don't know about it. I guess Lisa is planning to get them together tonight or something, I don't know." You recognize the brunette speaking as Seulgi, a dance major that you share a couple classes with. She's talking to Yeri, whom you've seen a few times in passing. 

That must be why she was defensive about the kiss; she has feelings for someone else. 

"Ooh, that'll be interesting. I can't say that I'm not disappointed, though; now Jisoo's gonna be off the market." The shorter girl frowns, basically reading your mind with her statement. You've never fooled yourself into believing you have a chance with Jisoo, but knowing that she'll be whisked away by some lucky classmate of yours definitely isn't an easy pill to swallow. 

You pass the remaining wait time by imagining who that person may be. Jisoo has a lot of friends, but you've never seen her around campus with any particular love interest; she always puts her studies first, deciding that her education is far more important than any potential relationship.

You remain lost in your thoughts until it's your turn to order.

"Hey Y/N, what can I get for you?" The cashier greets, resetting the register as she grins at you. 

"Hi Yeji," you smile back, happy to see your old friend again after what feels like forever. Your busy schedules have kept you from hanging out much lately, but seeing her now is something you're grateful for. "I'll take two waters, a medium nacho, and 1 hot dog, please." 

"You want everything on it?" She asks in reference to your last request, assuming you still stick with the order you used to go with in your childhood. 

"You know it. And make sure to--"

"--spread the toppings out well. I remember, girl." She says with a wink, turning around to get started on your order. The familiar interaction warms your heart, aided by the idea that some things never change. After she packages your things up in a convenient little container, you thank her and pay, walking away with a promise to meet up at the school's café next week.

About halfway back to your seat, something unexpected happens.

"Rosie, we can't buy out the whole place. This is the 4th trip we've taken back here and the game hasn't even started yet!" You freeze as you round the corner, almost dropping your food as Jisoo's low voice sounds off nearby. 

"Unnie, I didn't even get to eat much of the other stuff at all! Lisa and Jennie stole it and shared it with everyone else," the artist pouts, rolling her hands into fists at her sides like a toddler. 

"Fine. But this is the last trip I'm taking." She warns, rolling her eyes when the Australian attacks her with a flurry of kisses. "Yah! Let's go before we miss something." She says, pushing her off of her with a smile on her face. 

Even her voice makes your heart ache, and it reminds you of what her kiss felt like against your lips. It was short, no doubt, and barely there; but the sparks remain, waiting to be reignited anytime she's around. Maybe you're just destined to pine.

----

"There you are! I was literally about to go steal some food from Shuhua because you were taking so long." 

"Yeah, yeah," you say, sitting down beside Yuqi with the cardboard box in your hands. "You're lucky I love you enough to pay for this. Now I'll have to survive on 3 grains of rice and ramen for the next few weeks." 

"Oh, the struggles of being a broke college student." She says woefully, clutching her hands together in front of her chest to add to the effect. 

"Precisely," you agree, scooting closer to offer her some nachos. When she tries to greedily take the whole tray of them, you're quick to stop her. 

"Ah, ah, ah," you warn, pulling her wrist back down. "We're sharing, chica." She huffs, but eventually settles down and decides to shove her face full instead of protesting anymore. 

Now, with your best friend happily eating, you relax and begin to prepare yourself for the match. 

--

"LET'S GO!" You shout with Yuqi, chanting together as your school's anthem echoes throughout the stadium. The rival team has been behind the entire game, but they closed the gap in the last few minutes and now it's neck and neck. Your band plays loudly to encourage your team, and it seems to be working; they manage to repeatedly hold the others off and keep them from scoring. 

It's the start of the fourth quarter now -- the home stretch. With their spirits still high, your team continues to keep victory out of their opponents hands. The black paint underneath their eyes is really streaked now, showing all the effort and sweat that they've put into the game so far. A beautiful sunset just previously gave way to a rapidly darkening evening sky, allowing some stars to peek out now.

"My high school team sucked; this is epic!" Yuqi says, making you laugh. You tear your eyes away from the heated game to say something to her, but all thoughts soon disappear from your mind and you stop mid-sentence. 

She notices your sudden silence and looks at you, only realizing what's happening once she follows your line of sight. Jeong is standing against the metal fence that borders the track, mingling with everyone at the bottom of the bleachers. That doesn't bother you, but what you see next certainly does; you spot Jisoo beside him, giggling at something he said as he tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. 

"Oh shit," Yuqi breathes out, fully grasping the weight of the situation now. She doesn't even attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he knows how in love you are with Jisoo and yet there he is, flirting away. He's the only other person besides Yuqi who knows of your feelings for the brunette, and you really trusted him with it. Clearly that was a mistake. You blink a few times and set your jaw, quickly looking away as he moves closer to whisper something in her ear over the noise of the crowd. 

"I'm gonna head out to the car. Just let me know who wins," you mumble, brushing past her on your way toward the exit. You know there's no way you'd be able to focus on the game anymore after seeing that, so going is your best option. She catches your arm before you can slip away, and says, "Wait, I'm coming with you. And don't even try to tell me no; I can always watch highlights later. I'm not gonna let you be alone right now." 

Knowing it's pointless to argue anymore, you nod once and wait for her to gather up her trash and coat. "Let's go," she says, taking your hand after tossing her garbage in the can conveniently placed at the end of your row. She squeezes it a few times for reassurance, and a bittersweet smile works onto your lips at the gesture. 

You don't notice how Jisoo's eyes follow you, every fiber of her being yelling at her to go after you. She hates seeing you sad, and although she isn't 100% sure of the reason for it now, all she wants is to cheer you up. 

"So, Jisoo. Do you have any plans after the game?" Jeong smirks, quirking a brow suggestively at his own question. Jisoo grimaces, saying, "Yeah, I do. I have to study." She tries to find you in the crowd again, but it seems that you've already slipped away. 

"We're throwing a party tonight, you should come." He leans a little closer to her, but she takes a step back. The only reason she's even talking to him right now is because Lisa introduced them, and it would be impolite not to. She turns him down, yet again sneaking a glance around the stadium. 

"No wonder Y/N's too chicken to ask you out; you're hard to get, but I don't mind a challenge." Her head whips around at his statement, heart regaining that familiar uptick at the mention of you. "What?" She blinks, not believing her ears. Surely she was just hearing things. 

"I said I don't mind a challenge," his words come out slightly slurred, and the effects of the alcohol he's been drinking are beginning to show themselves in all the wrong ways. The more he talks, the less Jisoo can stand him. "Look, Jeong -- I'm not interested. I'm sure there are other girls here that would love to get to know you, but I'm not one of them. Now, if you'll excuse me," she says, turning her body to the side to maneuver around him and get to the stairs. He lets her go without another word, his pride too bruised to come up with a more fitting response than a muttered insult. 

She makes quick work of getting to the parking lot, where she spots you approaching Yuqi's car, head hanging a bit. Seeing you upset saddens her, and she's determined to find out what's wrong. 

"Y/N! Wait up!" The shout catches your attention, and you slowly spin around. Jisoo begins to jog out to you, and a scoff slips past your lips (though you don't put much effort into stopping it). You're hurt, and half of the reason for your pain is staring right back at you like nothing happened. 

"What do you want, Jisoo?" You sigh, not looking forward to where this conversation will most certainly go.

"I want to talk, Y/N." She's in front of you now, scanning her eyes between yours to gauge your reaction. 

"What is there to say? Just go back to talking to Jeong; you looked like you were enjoying yourself." She can hear the jealousy laced in your tone, and things finally -- finally -- begin to click for her. 

"Is that what this is about?" She asks in reference to your sadness. The question isn't accusatory at all; she's genuinely trying to piece things together. 

A disbelieving laugh leaves you at that. How is she still so oblivious? "Yes, Jisoo, it is. I just had to witness someone who I thought was my friend flirt with my crush. So yeah, that's what this is about." Sensing that she doesn't know what to say, you decide to conclude things for her. This is already pitiful enough, and you'd rather spare the both of you from having the "it's not you, it's me" talk. 

"Look, I get it. You don't like me back, and you were only trying to be friendly by inviting me to the rehearsal that night. Just please, for the both of us, forget it even happened. Forget all of this. It was a mistake, and I won't do it again."

Jisoo hates that you're jumping to conclusions without even knowing her true feelings; you automatically think that she couldn't possibly feel the same, and you use her moment of silence as a form of evidence to prove that. The complete opposite is true, though you'd never give her enough time to straighten out her jumbled thoughts and tell you that. 

She finds her voice when you turn away, and she reaches out to touch your hand. "Stop, you've got it all wrong." Your eyes glance down to your intertwined hands, but you wiggle out of her grip with a heavy sigh. Over your shoulder, you shakily say, "You don't have to pretend for me, Jisoo. I'll be alright. If he makes you happy, then so be it." 

With that, you get in Yuqi's car and tell her to drive away, leaving Jisoo to deal with the sinking feeling in her chest that worsens as the car's tail lights grow dimmer and dimmer in the distance. You're gone, and she really has no idea how to come back from this. 

6.) Broken Hearted

The next few weeks were hell. You avoided Jisoo as much as possible, too embarrassed to face her after what happened and too weak to be close to her again. You'd surely fall even harder if you allowed yourself to grow any closer, so you didn't take the risk. How could you? Falling alone isn't an enjoyable experience, and you've been teetering on the edge of no return ever since that afternoon at the daycare. 

It was hard enough to escape her hold -- her face was everywhere, plastered on ads and bulletin boards all throughout campus, on reminders and sign ups for student council. You used your sick days in order to hide away in your dorm and block out the world, only being comforted by Ryujin when she wasn't busy with her own life or Yuqi when she could spare a few hours. They always made sure to care for you as much as they could, knowing first hand how tough heartbreak can be -- especially with the added stress of schoolwork. 

One person you thought about often was Jeong. Every time he'd cross your mind, dirtying up your brainwaves with the mere notion of himself, you'd grimace. He didn't deserve the attention, and yet you couldn't help but question why he did that to you. He hadn't reached out since that night, likely due to Yuqi giving him a piece of her mind after the game. He made it clear that he wasn't sorry, and that if given the chance, he'd play his cards even better and hopefully score a date with Jisoo. 

Maybe that was the worst part of it all. Hearing that it hadn't just been a stupid thing he did because he was drunk; he realized the weight of his actions, and he'd do it again, over and over, without caring about how you fit into the equation. That football game was simply a turning point, hidden in plain sight as an unassuming night for you to hang out with Yuqi. But you learned more then than you had ever intended to; Jeong's selfish, and he probably never even cared for you in the first place. The idea of that makes you feel dirty -- like you wasted so much of your time with such a horrible person, sticking up for him and defending his name when he wasn't around when he never even deserved that in the first place. You wish you would've known who he really was back then; you would've stayed away. 

Unbeknownst to you, Jisoo was struggling much like you -- minus the whole "betrayed by a best friend" situation. Every time that she showed up in class, she hoped with every piece of herself that you'd walk through the door and grace the room with your presence. You seldom ever did, though -- but when you ran out of free days of absence and were forced to attend class in order to keep your grades up, you never even uttered a word to her. She'd make it a point to ask questions in class, hoping that hearing her voice would bring something out of you, as yours did to her. She longed to talk to you again, if only for a minute; but your resolve remained strong, and her determination grew weaker as the days went by. 

Being the person she is, though, she knew giving up wasn't an option. After a few weeks of that cycle, greeting stands were placed at the front doors of each complex on campus, manned by different members of the council. She came up with a story for the administration on the fly, using her people skills to convince them that it would be good for student morale and getting more people to join clubs. It was a great effort, but she underestimated your avoidance skills; you thwarted her plans again, slipping right through her strategically linked fingers. 

Eventually, she lost hope. She exhausted every option she knew to try, and the girls ran out of new ones as well. Seeing their unnie so upset saddened them, and they did all they could to cheer her up in any and every way they knew how. 

7.) Premiere Night

"Y/N, get up. You're gonna shower and get dressed if I have to force you to do it myself." Yuqi commands, blasting into your room and flipping on the overhead light that shines far too bright for your liking. 

"Mmm," you groan in protest, not even bothering to roll over. 

"I mean it; don't test me, you know I'm true to my word."

"Why, Yuqi?"

"Because we're going to the performance tonight. The big show that everyone has been going on about is premiering, and you're coming with me to see it."

"I can't do that." You say, her words sobering you up from your sleepy stupor.

"I know who the lead is," she informs, already knowing about your reasons for being hesitant, "and that's precisely why we're going. You can't keep living like this, so either go get your girl, or agree to be friends with her and work past what you're dealing with." 

"You sound like a mom at the end of an 80s movie."

"80s movie moms are valid, so I'll take that as a compliment. Now go!" She shouts, shoving you off the bed. You tumble to the floor in a heap of blankets and pillows, still managing to hit your funny bone as you let out a pained groan. 

"Remind me to slap her later, Ryujin." 

"Will do." She salutes, reaching a hand down to help you up. With one last glare at an annoyingly bubbly Yuqi, you head to the bathroom to shower. 

----

"How do I look?" You ask, looking yourself up and down in the skinny mirror attached to the wall. 

"Is it gay if I say I'd ask you out?" Yuqi asks with a smile, fanning herself animatedly when you strike a pose. 

"Very much so, yes." 

"Well, hand me the rainbow suspenders, then." 

You push her over with a laugh -- the first real one you've shared in a while -- and wrap her in a hug. 

"Thank you, for real. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you." You say against her shoulder, pulling back to look at your roommate and add, "Either of you." The three of you settle in for a group hug and tell a few more jokes before Yuqi finally drags you out of the dorm. 

----

"How does it feel to be back in society?" Yuqi whispers, leaning in close to you to read the seat numbers printed on your tickets. 

"As lame as ever." You add, amusingly unenthused. 

"You're never gonna convince Jisoo to date your dumbass with that attitude." She retorts, feeling a little guilty when she sees your expression change upon hearing her name. You're afraid to see where the two of you will stand at the end of the night, so saying it's still a sore subject is the understatement of the year. 

"I'm messing with you, dude. If she doesn't want to be with you, then it's her loss; but I highly doubt that's the case. I've heard she misses you a lot." For once, Yuqi's words are halfway encouraging to hear, and you let out a light smile. 

"Well I'm prepared to worry about that whole situation later. For now, let's find our seats and enjoy the show." Your best friend quickly agrees, and the two of you squeeze through the crowds in the aisles to get to your row. 

----

"Jisoo, I promise you'll do well. You've been practicing for months; you've got this," Soo-hyun says, rubbing his co-lead's back in reassuring circles. The certainty in his deep voice gives Jisoo some semblance of security, and she stands to look at him with one final, nervous sigh. Stage fright has never been this big of an issue for her, but the size of the crowd and the idea that you might be out there scare the hell out of her. She wants you to be there with all of her heart, but she doesn't know if she'll be able to handle watching you walk away again. The past few weeks have been torture, and she misses your presence and witty remarks more than she ever thought possible. 

"Thank you, Soo-hyun. I'll meet you out there in a couple minutes, just let me collect myself."

He nods and says, "Take your time. I'll let Mrs. Choi know," before leaving and shutting the door behind himself. Now alone again, Jisoo digs through her personal bag that lays neatly on the small futon of the dressing room. When her fingers come in contact with that familiar material she's spent hours staring at, she bites the inside of her cheek and unfolds it for the millionth time. Multiple poems and blurbs litter the page, accompanied by cute doodles and cartoons here and there that give it a personal feel. She's spent the time away from you methodically working through the different writings, restraining herself from reading all of them in one setting so that she can have new content from time to time. 

She's down to the last one, now, and a surprising sort of realization hits her when she reads it. It instills within her a sense of determination -- determination to get you back and set things right, one way or another. She makes a plan to find you after the performance.

-- After The Performance -- 

It was even more spectacular than you ever imagined it could be. The school spared no expense in getting the best props, employing the most skilled technicians on hand, and recruiting the best artists that the school had to paint the backdrops. Everyone behind the scenes worked tirelessly to produce the best show possible, and their efforts really paid off. 

And, of course, you can't forget the actors. 

The entire cast was incredible, their talent matching some of the world's most sought-after stars. Every part was played to perfection; even the smaller, supporting roles were acted with passion, really bringing the piece together as a whole. The production left you wanting more, too inspired and awestruck by the amazing performances to be content with just seeing it once. So, after numerous calls for an encore, the cast returned to run through a few of their key scenes. 

---

As the cast takes their final bow, large cannons placed on either side of the stage shoot out bursts of colorful confetti, and you watch it flutter down around them. Some try to catch a piece or two to add to their scrapbooks, wanting to have a trinket from their college years, while others just hug each other and twirl around with content smiles on their faces. The crowd continues its loud cheering, and eventually you find the courage to sneak a glance at Jisoo.

To your surprise, she's looking right back. 

Her eyes hold a mixed softness; she's proud of herself and glad that you came to support her on such a big night, but part of her wants to escape the busyness of it all and tell you everything she's been feeling. She'd be content with looking at you forever, she realizes, as she studies you. You're the true star in her eyes, always shining so bright and making everyone feel at home whenever they're around you. She hopes you know how special you are. 

Mrs. Choi approaches the cast from stage right, gathering their attention to congratulate them and commend them for their performances. Jisoo reluctantly looks away from you, unsure if it's the last time she'll be seeing you tonight. The thought upsets her, but there isn't much she can do about it right now; so, she gives her attention to her professor and flashes that smile that makes everyone weak in the knees. 

You knew it was just a matter of time before she'd be pulled away and immersed in some conversation about the show, but the selfish side of you never wanted her to look away. No matter how confusing things may be because of all of your unresolved issues, she still looks at you like she always had before -- her gaze is kind, albeit bittersweet, but it's full of care. Seeing her like that makes you feel like even more of an asshole than you already do -- maybe you should have just listened to her at the game. Running away was an immature choice, rooted entirely in your own sadness in that moment as you deprived yourself of any explanation she could've offered, though you can't judge yourself too harshly. The situation is complicated, and you still don't know whether to hate yourself for running or go easy on yourself in light of what happened. 

When Yuqi sees you stand up and shuffle towards the end of your row, she sends you a warning look. 

"Dude, I'm not gonna run away. I'm literally just gonna step outside for some fresh air, I promise." She visibly relaxes, no longer having to prepare herself to wrangle you back into the seat. 

"Fine. But if you aren't back in 15 minutes I'm coming to track you down. You really need to talk to her." 

You sigh, nodding in agreement. "I know, trust me. Just let me get my thoughts together first." She sends you off to do just that, but not until the two of you complete the special handshake you made up all those months ago. 

---

Brisk air rushes over your skin in waves the moment you exit the side door of the building, automatically sending goosebumps to raise in its wake. It feels nice, though; it grounds you, and works to cool off your heated skin. The atmosphere inside was thick with the tension you've been feeling ever since what happened that night at the game, and its effects were only heightened by the raw performances of the evening. Passion and longing were the driving factors of the play, ironically, and many of the scenes drew eerie parallels to your current situation. So, it's no wonder that you're thankful to step away from it all for a bit.

You greet a few stray audience members that're puttering around outside as well, opting to walk down a little further away from them and lean against the building. The wall's brick material feels rough against your back, lightly scratching it whenever you shift your weight from one foot to the other. You don't mind it, though; it's oddly nostalgic, somehow. 

When you hear the door open again, you think nothing of it. The metal hinges latch just the same as they had for you, so there's really no reason for you to even look up. However, that all changes when you feel someone's eyes on you.

Unprepared is leaps and bounds away from being a fitting statement to describe how you feel in that moment; Jisoo stands merely 10 feet away from you at most, right next to the stage door that she just came out of. Her hands fiddle with the drawstrings of her costume, seemingly always needing to be occupied when she's nervous or unsure of herself; it's a habit you've picked up on after seeing it so many times. 

The longer you look at her, the more you want to look away; she's so beautiful it hurts, and the silence is eating away at you. You can't blame her, though; neither of you know what to say or do, and the only thing you seem capable of is staring at each other. When you break the intense eye contact you were sharing to turn away, only intending to take a minute to collect yourself, Jisoo is suddenly set in motion. 

She's afraid you'll leave again, and she's prepared to fight even harder for you this time.

I love you as the stars love the night sky

A fateful, cyclic romance

A game of eager greetings and reluctant goodbyes

Those words -- ones that you remember penning one day in class while completely entranced by Jisoo -- roll from her lips effortlessly, as if she had spent time committing them to memory. She had, in fact; whenever days passed without her even catching a glimpse of you, she always found herself unfolding that note again, tracing a finger over the curve of your unique letters as she reread the poem. It always brought her comfort to think that you were in just as deep as her, and a similar sense of hope blossoms in her chest now when she spots an unbelieving smile tug at the corner of your lips as you slowly turn to face her again. 

You're still into her, and she's falling even deeper at the realization. Maybe she didn't lose you after all. 

She takes calculated steps towards you and breathes a sigh of relief when you stay put, not showing any signs of running. The wheels in your head are going into overdrive now, turning and churning as you process her little recital, and she prays with all of her heart that you won't be upset once you put two and two together. 

"How did you…"

"You dropped it one day, and I picked it up. I meant to give it back to you, but I guess I just never got around to it." She feels a little guilty for keeping it as long as she has, but it's served as a way of keeping you close during your time apart. Those bits and pieces of you, scattered around on that page, encapsulated by the annotations and doodles you so kindly left behind, have stayed in her heart. Ever since she discovered it all that time ago, it's never been very far from her; she cherishes it more than you'll ever know. 

"You didn't show it to anyone, right?" Your voice is laced with worry, lowered a bit to keep others from overhearing. 

"No, no! Of course not. I just… kept it for myself. You're really talented; I couldn't stop reading your stuff." 

"Thank, I guess?" You awkwardly chuckle, still a bit rusty on how to interact with her after everything. Plus, to be fair, having your crush read one of the love letters you wrote about her is a bit unheard of. Newfound territory, you think to yourself.

"How long?" You ask after a minute of silence, only realizing how loaded your question is after it slips past your lips, turning into a puff of steam in the chilly atmosphere. "How long have you… felt that way about me?" You quickly add, "Assuming that you feel what the poem says, of course." 

An amused smile tweaks her lips at how cute you are. "I do, Y/N. I always have; ever since that afternoon at the daycare." 

"Really?" The question is quiet, full of childlike disbelief. 

"Really. It was always you." She says it freely now: unafraid.

The sentiment is sweet, but memories of the football game come flooding back and you're reminded that as much as you want to skip this next part, you still have things to discuss. 

"What about Jeong?" 

"What about him?"

"Did you ever like him?"

"No. The girls thought so, but it was just a misunderstanding. That's why Lisa introduced us at the game; she thought I had a crush on him, but I told her that you were always the one I was looking at. I told all of the girls that, after that night." 

Her confession renders you speechless -- only capable of listening and nodding every now and then. She takes advantage of your silence to finally explain herself and tell you everything she's been dying to. 

"I didn't know you felt the same until our talk in the parking lot. I mean, I was hopeful after some of the moments we had, but I didn't know for sure until then. I wanted to beg you to stay and hear me out, but you left before I had the chance."

You blink a few times as the reality of her words begin to sink in. "I had no idea…"

"Yeah, well…" she trails off, unsure of what to say next. She's forgiven you for walking away, knowing you were just hurt, but the whole situation still left a bad taste in her mouth. So much pain could've been avoided for the both of you if you had just listened.

"How did they take it?"

"They yelled at me for waiting so long to tell them, but then they tried to help me get you back. Remember those student council booths?" She leans in a little closer to ask that last line, her lips pulling to the side in that iconic smirk of hers. 

You audibly gasp and point at her animatedly. "I knew that was you!"

"Mhm, pulled some fancy-sounding excuse out of my ass to convince the board, and boom; 20 brand new tables set up the next day. I still can't believe you managed to slip past them, though. I mean, c'mon, have you seen how talkative those kids can be?" 

"Trust me, it wasn't easy," you laugh with her. "I had to sneak to the back entrances like a drug dealer." 

"I can totally see that." 

"I'm dedicated, what can I say?" The stupid hair flip you do makes her laugh even harder, clutching her stomach as those beautiful sounds slip past her lips. 

As your shared laughter eventually turns into soft chuckles, she smiles at you, saying, "I really missed this. I missed you, so so much." 

"I've been a wreck without you, Jisoo. It's honestly embarrassing." 

She looks at you with something new shining in her eyes, and she carefully contemplates what she's about to admit. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Of course." 

"I rarely cry, Y/N, but I did over you. So you have no reason to be embarrassed. It seems like both of us were pretty bad off." She looks down after saying that, scuffing her foot against the concrete of the sidewalk. Being vulnerable isn't usually easy for her, and she never really lets people see that side of her -- not even the girls. She feels like she has to stay strong for them to keep things running smoothly, but she fails to realize how important her own feelings are. You're different, though; she feels like her entire collection of secrets would be safe with you, and you make her feel secure enough to be open like that. 

When she feels you step closer and hook two fingers underneath her chin, her eyes dart up to yours and her heart speeds up. Your other arm hesitantly wraps around her waist, giving her plenty of time to step away and deny you. You've spent so much time convincing yourself that she couldn't possibly want someone like you that you're genuinely surprised when she steps further into your embrace, pulling your arm tighter around herself. 

Her right arm comes to rest loosely on your shoulder as her other hand caresses your forearm, rubbing various patterns against your smooth skin. "I tried so hard to get you to pick up on my flirting," she starts, playing with the baby hairs at the nape of your neck as she holds you close. "Every touch," she runs a finger down your arm, leaving a trail of electricity in its wake. "Every look," she moves her hand from your neck to your cheek, cupping it sweetly as she gazes into your eyes. She strokes your skin with the pad of her thumb, smiling beautifully when she feels you nuzzle into her hold even more. 

"And that kiss…" she says, sounding breathless at the mere thought of it. "I wanted it to last forever." 

"Why didn't you tell me that, then?" You ask, not even a trace of anger in your tone. You're determined to let go of all the hurt and fear that your misunderstandings have caused, opting instead to finally get the answers you've wanted for so long. "After I came back from putting Aera to bed you were just… different. And then when you said it was just a part of the script--"

"I know. I was afraid that if I let myself have you like that -- if I let you in all the way -- there'd be no going back." When she sees the confusion building in your eyes, she continues on. "I don't usually let myself get distracted; I can't afford it. You know how seriously I take my studies." You nod, recalling the numerous times you've found her in the library until it closed, studying hard for the exams everyone knew she'd ace. "But you wiggled your way past every line of defense I ever put up. You became my favorite distraction." A dopey grin tugs at your lips at receiving that title, and you subconsciously hold your head a little higher.

"But I wasn't prepared for that. You make me feel things that I've never felt before, and I really didn't think I could afford to let myself have you. Not fully, anyway. I could deal with a crush; I told myself I could keep you close enough that I wouldn't miss you, but far enough that I could keep myself protected."

"What changed?" You ask, smoothing your hands over the small of her back, feeling the heat radiate from her skin. They've worked their way under the hem of her shirt during your conversation, subconsciously seeking to share her warmth, and Jisoo has been acutely aware of it the entire time. 

"When I saw you walk away like that I didn't know what to do with myself. I've had people leave before, so it's not a new thing; but I never missed them like I've missed you."

A bittersweet, melancholic look settles on your face at that; she deserves every good thing that the world has to offer, so knowing that you played a part in her sadness -- whether it be direct or indirect -- disheartens you a bit. 

"But you're here now, and that's all that matters." She says, leaning her forehead against yours. 

"And I'm not going anywhere," you affirm, holding her even closer than before. She brushes her nose against yours with a quiet sigh, relieved to be in your arms, caught safely in your warm embrace. If falling feels like this, she's more than okay with it. 

"Can I?" You ask, glancing down to the heart shaped pillows you've dreamt of having against yours again. 

She nods, uttering a soft, "Please", as she tilts her head to the side in expectancy. You close the remaining distance, bending your knees slightly to tighten your hold on her waist and pull her flush up against yourself. Both of her arms wrap around your neck now, occasionally coming down to tilt your head and allow her better access, or run her fingers through your hair. It's sensual and meaningful, but an air of urgency hangs in the air, thickening it the longer her lips are on you. Both of you are making up for lost time, so it's no wonder you're so eager. 

She takes your bottom lip between her teeth as she backs you up, pressing you against the brick wall that you had migrated a few steps away from during your conversation. If she were kissing anyone else, perhaps she'd care about the strangers staring, or what they might say; but as she stands here, feeling your hands explore her body in the ways that she's dreamed of and your lips kiss her senseless, that's the furthest thought from her mind. Her hands grab at the collar of your shirt, balling the material up in her palms as she pushes her lips against yours from a new angle. 

When you eventually pull back for air, you can't help but say the phrase that's been sitting on your mind for weeks. "I love you." 

Her heart speeds up to match yours, both of them racing as you look at each other with giant smiles on your faces. "I love you, too. If you hadn't already guessed that," she chuckles, leaning up to kiss you again. This one's more innocent, though -- full of giddiness as you replay each other's declaration in your minds. 

"Y/N L/N IF YOU AREN'T OUT HERE--"

Yuqi bellows loudly, blasting through the side door and out into the chilly night air. The metal smacks against the wall from the force she exerted, and you physically cringe at the sound. Jisoo does the same, quickly pulling away to find out what's going on. 

When Yuqi's line of sight settles on the two of you, her eyebrows raise and a smirk lands on her lips. "Well, well, well. Looks like my work here is done," she says, cocking her head to the side self-assuredly when she sees how swollen both of your lips are and how mussed your clothing is. You send her a look that she registers as "Get lost", and she retreats back into the performance hall with her hands raised in surrender.

"Idiot," you mutter under your breath, shaking your head as you watch the door close behind her, its poor hinges still recovering from her assault. Jisoo's giggle makes you turn back to her, finding a breathtaking smile forming on her lips. "You're so cute," she coos, poking your cheek, "especially when you blush like that." 

You fight the bashfulness that attempts to take over, managing to cock a brow at her and say, "Hey, watch it -- I might not be so kind in my next poem if you don't stop teasing me." 

"Aww, don't be like that, baby." 

She tenses up after realizing she let that pet name slip out at the end, but your smile only widens. 

"Say that again."

"Baby," she drawls in her signature sultry tone, stepping closer to you again. 

"Mmm, I could get used to that." You hum against her lips, pressing yours to them at the end of your statement. 

"Good, because there's more where that came from." 

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhm," she settles into your arms again, looking into your eyes with so much love you nearly swoon. "This is only the beginning for us." 

[underatedcharactersunite]

Summary; Geralt encounters a vampire, who shares a similar story as him, she’s the not the monster he’s been told she is. But what happens when she needs to feed?   Pairing; Geralt of Rivia x  Vampire!Female Reader WordCount; 1, 780 Warnings. Strong Language, Blood Drinking, Angst, fluff, sexual underlying themes.   A/N - Day 3, you can read Day 2 here

                                    »»————-　🎃　————-«

Geralt had encountered many creatures within his life. Some cruel and wicked. Some misunderstood and desiring change. Geralt never kept brought work into his travels, until Geralt met you. He was supposed to kill you and provide your head to the man who hired him, but he couldn’t.

When Geralt tracked you down, he was expecting a bloodsucker monster.  A woman so cruel, he believed he was in for a tough battle ahead of him. However, what he found was a juxtaposition of the stories he had heard. Instead, you were skipping with a group of children in the street.

“I know what you’re doing here Witcher, give me five a few more moments before my time, would you.” Geralt watched on as the children reacted positively with you. While the coin was a coin, Geralt suspected the man who paid him to be misleading him.

You kept your promise as you left the children, providing them with the empty promise, without so much of a word you wandered into the woods understanding your fate. You had lived many centuries, miraculously surviving without little hassle. Until you crossed that disturbing, wicked wrinkling old man who decided it was a brilliant idea to strike his wife and Daughter. Threatening the elderly man had gained you the presence of a Witcher, brilliant.

“Get it over with Witcher. I understand you have a job that must be done. I am too old for games.” Whirling around to face him, you got your first proper glance at the white-haired man who was here to kill you.

“You’re not going to fight for your life. I heard you’ve fought an army of thousands before.” Rolling your eyes, you examined him sceptically.

“Do you believe every word a low life abusive bastard tells you? Here I was under the impression you were a man of intelligence and perspective.  I’ve encountered many Witchers in my life, most of them corrupt and money-hungry. I was under the impression you would be different. Guess I was wrong. Enough of the mindless chatter kill me already.”

“I’m not going to kill you.” Cocking your eyebrow, this Witcher confused you more and more by the second. This Witcher was not like anyone you had ever encountered before. If he refused to kill you, then what was his plan? The spineless man was hardly going to allow him to get away with it.

“Then what are you going to do with me? Are you going to lock me away and keep me as your prisoner? I’ve been a prisoner to a Witcher before it didn’t end well for him so it won’t end well for you.”

“I’m sure it would, but I won’t keep you a hostage. You must leave this place and get as far as away from here as possible. I see no threat.” Stepping forward, you examined his golden orbs, searching for something, anything.

“This place has been my home for the past fifty years. The people in this place, know what monster of the night I am. Except they don’t fear me, they were able to see my cold heart. They realised I cared about them when I had to I protected them against man or beast. I’ve battled people of my kind to protect these people. So tell me, Witcher, where do you suspect I go now. I presume you’ve experienced similar prejudice to myself.”

“Anywhere that’s safe. You’ve adapted well enough. You’re able to walk around in the sun now. You will find somewhere new.” Rolling your eyes, it was clear this Witcher was continuously on the move. You wondered how often he was forced to camp out in the woods because humans wouldn’t expect him.

Suddenly a rustling in the tree’s broke your concentration, your senses heightened. A brown-haired man came tumbling out of the brushes.

“Excuse the interruption Geralt, but it appears that this beautiful creature here has nowhere to go, so why doesn’t this, seductive, alluring creature come with us. I’m Jaskier by the way, tell me have you ever slept with a human before.”

“I didn’t know Witcher’s travel with overly flirtatious humans? Can’t say I’m not flattered by your remarks. Also thank you for introducing Geralt to me. However, Geralt is right, and I’ll be going now. It was nice to meet you, Jaskier…Geralt.”

You quickly began your descent into town so you could gather your belongings. While you had left the sanctity of the forest, you could still hear Geralt and Jaskier bickering away.

“What did you do that for!? She could have helped you! She understands what it’s like to be misunderstood, and you’ve just let her go! What makes it worse, the entire time you couldn’t keep your eyes off of her.”  

“Jaskier!”

“You need to stop pretending the world is against you. If she travelled with us, she could give you a break. What happens when you get injured again?”

“I will handle it.”

If you don’t ask her to come with us, then I will.“

“Fine, she can come with us. Go ahead and ask her she could say no.” Moments later, you heard someone running towards you. You knew it was Jaskier, so you awaited for him outside.

“I take it you’ve heard every word?.” You nodded, a moment later you were approaching Geralt alongside his horse. The three of you began your travels into a world and journey completely unknown.

Travelling with Jaskier and Geralt was easier than you presumed. The three travelled between city and city locating work in order to get paid. A witcher, A vampire and a bard was an unusual combination but it managed to work.

Although it was a struggle to locate a viable food source, the last couple centuries you had alternated between human and animal blood which to your surprise worked. Biting from a human always appeared an intimate aspect, someone’s neck was frequently a place for kissing and biting when in a passionate embrace with one another. Perhaps that’s why you refused to feed on Jaskier.

Whilst you cared deeply for the Bard, something in your heart created a feeling of guilt for even entertaining the idea, especially when you found your gaze analysing Geralt at every precise moment. Not to mention that the hunger you were currently experiencing, you were terrified that you might kill him.

Geralt had become aware of your situation. Some days, you refused to sit by Jaskier or informed them you required some time alone and camped a mile or so away from them. Geralt knew you believed you were doing it to protect them both, but deep down every time you left camp to be by yourself, Geralt feared you had decided to leave him.

One day, Geralt decided to follow you. Immediately you were furious with him. Geralt did not understand why he needed to stay away. You were a threat now to both of them. Did he genuinely believe that you desired to break away from them whenever your cravings for blood became so detrimentally bad that you feared you were the threat?

“You need to come back with me? It is dangerous for you to be out here on your own.” Looking over to Geralt, your ideas reflected the colour of what you desperately needed. The everyday shade of your eyes had a faded away while the crimson blood colour had replaced it.

“Geralt you need to stay away from me right now! There is no threat because I am the threat! I could hurt you or Jaskier.” Geralt’s large frame stepped in-front of you, despite you trying to step away from him, the distinctive smell of metal flowed through his body.  You couldn’t be near him, not now not until you had hunted something.

“Fed on me.” Due to Geralt’s sheer size and height difference, bent his knees slightly so you could have perfect access to his neck.

“Are you out of your mind!? There’s a chance I could effortlessly drain you of all your blood. Who’s going to take care of Jaskier then, who will protect him?” Geralt uttered another word he brought his lips down harshly onto yours.

“This isn’t about Jaskier right now this is about you. What happens to both of us if you die? What then? Will saving you that day be for nothing? Jaskier doesn’t want to lose and if we’re being honest neither do I. I’ve spoken more to you in the past several weeks than I have spoken in years. So feed on me.” Geralt’s declaration left you speechless his lips quickly returned to yours as he grasped you into his thick arms picking you up.

“I do not desire to hurt you Geralt of Rivia.”

“You will only hurt me if you allow yourself to starve to death.”

You refused to bite down on Geralt’s neck straight away. Reclaiming Geralt’s lips to your’s, the intimacy of the moment rose evermore. Kissing Geralt was everything you believed it would be. It was rough and passionate, an intoxicating feeling one that you were sure you would never of. As Geralt exposed his neck to you, you couldn’t quite believe that Geralt of Rivia, the Butcher of Blaviken was submitting to you. While still managing to press burning kisses onto your own throat. As your fangs grew, you placed searing kisses repeatedly onto Geralt’s neck, before you picked the perfect spot and bit down harshly. “There you two are. I was wondering where the two of you had got too. Is this a private thing or can anyone join?” “Jaskier!”

[elyvorg]

Maki Harukawa: What She Wants Matters

As much as I love Maki and her character arc, I didn’t use to think there was any need for me to do a big analytical ramble about her like the one I did for Kaito. After all, Maki’s arc is very clear and in-the-open thanks to Kaito encouraging her to talk about things. Look at her opening up and making friends and learning to trust people and be trusted herself! It’s lovely to behold.

But I realised as I thought more about Maki that there is a part of her arc that’s a lot subtler and likely gets noticed and talked about a lot less, which is a shame when it’s possibly the most interesting aspect of her issues and development. I’m referring to how difficult it is for her to believe that her own feelings and desires are important in any way, and the series of events that pushes her into finally acknowledging this and beginning to embrace what she wants for herself.

So let’s talk about this. Because just like everything that goes on inside Maki’s head, it matters, and it deserves to be talked about.

Her feelings don’t matter

Throughout chapters 3 and 4, Maki gradually makes a lot of progress in opening up to Kaito and Shuichi about herself: the people she’s killed, the horribly gruelling training she’s been through, and eventually even her happy days back at the orphanage before her life became hell. But one aspect lags noticeably behind compared to her just talking about these things, and that’s her ability to acknowledge how she feels about any of this.

Maki repeatedly calls her stories about her horrible past “boring”. Really, they couldn’t be further from that – it’s heartbreaking learning how much suffering she’s been through – but she genuinely doesn’t expect Kaito and Shuichi to be having any kind of emotional response to hearing it all. She has so thoroughly convinced herself that her suffering doesn’t matter that it doesn’t occur to her for a second that anybody else might think it does – not even the people she’s just about beginning to accept are seeing her as a friend. There’s also the way she has a habit of calling Shuichi’s expression “gross”, specifically whenever he shows signs of caring about her feelings and seeing her as a person. She’s trying to write off his concern for her, because no, that’s not a thing he’s supposed to be doing. Her feelings don’t matter. Nobody else – not even someone who might be her friend – is supposed to care.

You’d think, when people found out her talent and became afraid of her, the most obvious way for Maki to defend herself would have been to explain that she never chose her profession and was basically forced into it against her will. Yet it never even crosses her mind to say that. It’s only more than a chapter later, in the chapter 4 training session where she talks about her past at length, that Maki finally fully admits for the first time that she never had a choice in becoming an assassin. But even then, she says it offhandedly, like that fact doesn’t ultimately matter or change anything.

There’s also a comment Maki makes in early chapter 5 about how killing for a living makes her no better than the evil sadist that they’re assuming Kokichi is. She genuinely doesn’t think the fact that she didn’t choose this and doesn’t enjoy murdering people counts for anything in terms of judging how good of a person she is in light of all her murders. That’s so heartbreaking? Of course that makes her a significantly less terrible person than a hypothetical sadist who kills just for fun!

There’s no way out

This whole problem is illustrated even more clearly in Maki’s final free time event. It might seem like a positive sign of progress that the event ends on Maki saying that maybe she’ll be able to quit being an assassin one day, but the way she approaches this possibility is so painfully telling about how messed-up she still is. And this FTE takes place as late in the story as chapter 5’s Daily Life, because Maki still isn’t going to get anywhere with this part of her issues until the fifth trial.

In the FTE, Shuichi offers to use his detective skills to investigate and maybe take down her assassin cult so she won’t have to kill people any more, and Maki instantly tells him that’s impossible. She explains that assassins are currently a necessary evil in this world and suggests instead that Shuichi should try to change the world enough such that nobody ever resorts to murder any more. Only then, Maki concedes, she might be able to stop being an assassin.

Which is a monumentally worse way to approach getting her out of her profession than what Shuichi was suggesting, and completely missing the point. Some assassins exist who actually willingly chose that job for whatever reason, and they should be the only people who “need” to do it. Even if assassins might be necessary, child slave assassins who never had a choice in the matter are very decidedly not. Taking down Maki’s one single child-slave-assassin-training cult is absolutely the simplest and most achievable way to help her.

But Maki doesn’t see it that way, because the fact that she personally never wanted this has never crossed her mind as relevant at all. If Shuichi asks her “but are you okay with this?”, Maki tells him that question is unreasonable and cannot answer it. It’s really a very simple question – the answer is no, obviously! – but Maki has trained herself to block out her own feelings about her situation and write them off as unimportant and irrelevant, so thoroughly that her mind just short-circuits and returns an error message when she’s asked about them.

The reason Maki’s like this, the reason that this is the hardest thing for her to change, is that this is the coping mechanism she’s had no choice but to develop. Trapped in her awful situation with absolutely no possible way out of it as far as she could see (she was ten years old), all of her thoughts and feelings about how badly she didn’t want this would have been just too painful for her to deal with. The only way she could cope was by locking those desires and feelings away and convincing herself that they don’t matter. She’s just had to resign herself to this. When there’s genuinely no escape, nobody could bear to keep fighting against it forever. It’s so much easier to just stop trying, and to forget that you ever wanted to try in the first place.

Maki has grown up telling herself that the impossible is just impossible, so she should accept it and get used to things the way they are. Trying to make it possible is futile and will only lead to more pain.

This is precisely one of the many reasons why Kaito is such a good influence for her and exactly the kind of person she needs to help her out of this!

She killed Kaito, and she definitely doesn’t care

…Or, at least, he might have been, perhaps – if she hadn’t gone and killed him.

After what I imagine was a huge emotional breakdown over the events in the hangar, Maki pulled herself together and suppressed that pain as hard as she could. She’s so well-practiced at doing so that the next morning – the morning after she killed her closest friend – she appears to be just about the same as ever. Even as they find Kaito’s body even more horrifically dead than she was expecting to see it, Maki firmly insists that his death doesn’t bother her.

It’s that same coping mechanism she always uses, for exactly the same reasons. This reality can’t be changed, and thinking about how she wanted things to be different only causes pointless unnecessary pain, so she doesn’t. She can’t. She just accepts things the way they are and convinces herself she’s fine with it.

Maki refuses to investigate with Shuichi not only because she doesn’t want him to figure out she’s the culprit, but also because Shuichi keeps infuriatingly talking as if Kaito might be alive – and as if she should want Kaito to be alive. She just can’t bear to be brought anywhere near those kinds of thoughts about what she might want when she knows that it’s already impossible.

Later in the trial, while fervently arguing that having broken into the hangar doesn’t mean she’s the one who killed Kaito, at no point does Maki ever try to defend herself on the basis that she would never want to kill him. Nobody has brought up the possibility that Kaito’s death could have been accidental at this point, so it would be a sensible argument to make. Granted, arguments about someone’s character and motives aren’t the most concrete ones to make in a class trial, but Maki has to know that it would be likely to give Shuichi pause, because there’s no way he’d want to think that Maki would do that either.

But no. Of course that’s an irrelevant argument to make. What Maki wants never matters, especially when it comes to her having killed someone. She’s just a murderer, and Shuichi should accept that she could just as easily have murdered anybody at all, even if it’s Kaito, no matter how she might hypothetically feel about it.

Even as Maki is confessing to the truth of what happened in the hangar and it becomes clear that her shooting Kaito with the poison arrow was an accident, she never actually directly mentions that she didn’t mean to kill him. She talks only very indirectly about the panic she felt while rushing to get the antidote, without properly expressing why she was so desperate. It’s only “I knew I had to do something about the poison,” and not, “I couldn’t let Kaito die.”

It just hurts too much for her to think of it that way when Kaito still died anyway because of her, and nothing will change that truth.

…Kaito’s alive!?

Until, out of nowhere, maybe something can.

If Shuichi still thinks it could be possible for Kaito to be alive, then maybe it actually is. The fact that Maki listens to him as soon as he expresses this is a subtle but huge testament to how much she believes in her friend’s detective skills. She only ignored Shuichi’s optimism earlier because she knew a lot more than he did about what happened in the hangar, and she didn’t see any possible way out for Kaito from where she was standing. But now that he knows that same information, Shuichi can still see a way out after all.

Maki puts her faith in his judgement and latches onto that tiny possibility that Kaito might be alive with everything she has. She refuses to let it go, despite Exisal Kokichi – aka Kaito himself – continuing to insist it’s totally impossible. I bet Kaito made a point of claiming it was impossible in a deliberate attempt to spur Maki to argue otherwise, and he must have been bursting with pride in her when she went and did exactly that. The impossible is possible! Maki Roll is finally believing that for herself! She’s finally trying to claw and fight her way into a better reality instead of just accepting the awful one she’s stuck in!

An equally important and absolutely lovely part of this is Maki finally expressing the fact that she didn’t want to kill Kaito, that she hates the thought that she did that. Based on her wording and her hesitant tone, it’s still difficult for her to admit it, but she’s finally doing so. It’s not quite so unbearably painful to think about when it might not be the truth after all. And it’s so wonderfully appropriate that this is the first moment we ever see Maki cry – she’s finally letting herself acknowledge and express her painful emotions and feel like they matter.

She also openly admits for the first time that she likes the nickname Maki Roll, not just begrudgingly accepting it, but actively asking Himiko to call her that! She’s desperate for anything that’ll remind her of Kaito and help her hold onto what she felt like back when he was alive, so that she can keep believing that maybe he still is. Maki is finally beginning to embrace how much she cares about Kaito and treat that fact like it’s important and deserves to be acknowledged, and it’s adorable.

Half a lifetime’s worth of forcing herself to just accept her lot as an assassin and ignore how desperately she wants to be a normal kid was always going to be nigh-impossible to break through on its own. But caring about Kaito and not wanting to lose him are new feelings that Maki hasn’t spent half her life suppressing. She only had a single night to shut away her pain over Kaito’s death and accept that he’s definitely gone – it’s far easier for that to be undone. The moment a tiny glimmer of a possibility opens up again thanks to her belief in Shuichi, Maki couldn’t ignore it if she tried.

Maki’s arguments for Kaito’s survival aren’t even all that logical. Her statements in the Nonstop Debate about the video are too caught up in what if it wasn’t Kaito? to make any meaningful suggestions like everyone else is; she insists the weird video angle “proves” a trick was used when really it only opens up the possibility; she’s the first one to hastily summarise everyone’s discussion about the video trick and just get to the point that this means Kaito’s still alive, right? Maki’s usually one of the best at taking the rational approach in trials and focusing on all the logistical details, but right now she doesn’t even care about any of that stuff, not when Kaito being alive is what she wants to be true, more than anything else in the world.

It would hurt so much for this to all be for nothing and for Kaito to turn out to be dead after all. Holding onto this hope is such a huge risk, and it’s terrifying – but it’s worth it. Even the tiniest chance of Kaito being alive is infinitely better than the alternative, no matter how terrifying it is. Whether she likes it or not, or even realises it at all, this experience is teaching Maki that fighting for that tiny possibility of something better, no matter how much it hurts, is always worth the pain.

Maki’s desperate defence of Kaito leading into her Argument Armament, though she doesn’t admit it and keeps trying to insist her argument is logical, is also her acting on her emotions. Her only real reason for it is simply that she doesn’t want to believe Kaito could have killed anyone.

And the only way for her to run away from that is to insist that she really did kill Kaito after all – which incidentally forces her to express a narrative of “this happened even though I didn’t want it to,” and not brush that latter part off like it’s irrelevant. This time it’s just a lie, but this is nonetheless a very important kind of narrative that Maki needs to learn to understand and accept. Sometimes things happen that she wishes never had, but that doesn’t mean that the fact she didn’t want it never mattered!

Losing Kaito after all

Maki is forced to learn this even more harshly at the end of the trial. Kaito’s alive, she didn’t kill him, he’s right here – but he’s dying anyway and there’s not a thing she or anybody else can do about it.

The Maki from before all this happened would have just given up, accepted it, and immediately begun insisting to herself that she doesn’t care in order to cope. Kaito is clearly a dead man walking on two separate levels – his illness and the execution – and changing his fate at this point really is completely and truly impossible. Maki is a smart and pragmatic person; she knows this perfectly well.

But the Maki who’s here now refuses to let that stop her from trying. She’s furiously determined to fight the Exisals to protect Kaito, despite knowing that even her assassin skills aren’t enough for that, despite knowing that Kaito is sick and dying anyway no matter what she does. She doesn’t want this, so she’s going to claw and scream and fight against it with everything she has, no matter how futile her efforts will be in the end. I love her line, “I don’t want this to end… I just… don’t…” – the only reason why she’s doing this is that she doesn’t want Kaito to die, and that’s the only reason she should ever need.

Amongst all this, Maki desperately admits to her romantic feelings for Kaito, because even if this can’t do anything to change his fate, her feeling this way about him still matters and she’s still feeling it and it deserves to be said. She’s not even really saying it for Kaito’s benefit like she expects a response from him about it; she’s just saying it for her own sake, because she wants to make it real.

Usually I’m the first person to roll my eyes and lose interest when romance rears its head. Yet I can actually appreciate the fact that Maki’s feelings for Kaito have a romantic aspect to them, because it makes this moment work for Maki’s arc in ways that it wouldn’t if her feelings were purely platonic.

Kaito was obviously always trying to get Maki to consider him a friend, so her having done that is still essentially her just doing what someone else wanted of her, like always, albeit at least someone who has her best interests at heart for once. But Kaito never asked or expected Maki to fall in love with him. Maki’s romantic feelings came from nowhere but herself. And while that in itself can’t quite be called her “choice” because that’s not how romantic attraction works, Maki accepting and embracing those feelings to make them a part of her and let them drive her actions is entirely her own choice. It’s a choice nobody else, not even Kaito, encouraged her to make. That’s such a huge, huge deal coming from her.

Maki caring about Kaito as a friend is something that was already pretty apparent from her actions and never really needed to be said. But her caring about him romantically was something that nobody would have known (Tsumugi’s incidentally-right-for-all-the-wrong-reasons amatonormative bullshit aside) if Maki hadn’t decided that it mattered enough to want to express it.

Maybe she manages to admit to all this now because she hated having to suppress all her feelings about Kaito like they didn’t even matter the last time he “died” on her, helping her realise just how important these feelings are to her and that she can’t bear to just ignore that any more. Kaito has been so, so good for her; of course she wouldn’t want to lose that, nor brush it off like it’s nothing.

Seeing him about to die for real this time with no way out, Maki’s probably also driven by some desperate irrational sense that if she just explodes with all of the exact reasons why she doesn’t want this to happen, maybe it somehow just… won’t? This is the very opposite of the lock-it-all-away coping mechanism she’s been employing for a lifetime, and even as it’s heartwrenching, it’s also so lovely to see her doing this.

Maki partly tries to cover up these emotions of hers at first with her fierce assassin mask. She’s still instinctively using her usual defences to try and block out some of the pain, but it’s not enough to stop her expressing things, nor to stop her from crying as she does so. As Kaito responds to it all by showing his usual painfully selfless pride in how far she’s come and can keep going from here, making it all about her and not himself, Maki finally seems to fully accept that there really is nothing she can do to save him, and she drops the assassin mask and just breaks down completely.

Kaito is inescapably about to die, even though she doesn’t want this, and both of those facts are allowed to co-exist. She lets it hurt; she lets herself cry over his death, because no matter how painful it is, it’s worth it. It’s so much better than pretending she never cared about Kaito and all the things he did for her. Maki tried doing that once, and she’s never going there again.

In their Kaito memorial training session after the trial, it’s such a big deal that Maki is the one to nudge Shuichi into talking about how he’s feeling and how much it hurts. She’s finally realising and learning for herself that opening up about her painful feelings can help, and by sharing that with Shuichi, she’s helping him deal with his grief, too. She resolves to honour Kaito’s memory by showing how grateful she is for everything he did for her, not even because that’s what Kaito would have wanted her to do, but just because she wants to for herself.

It’s all “fake”

But losing Kaito isn’t quite the end of Maki’s arc regarding all this. There’s still a little further for her to be pushed in trial 6.

When Shuichi reveals in the trial that Kokichi wasn’t actually a Remnant of Despair, Maki is subtly the most shocked out of anybody to hear this. She never explains why, but knowing what we know about her issues with never having her own desires and always being used as a puppet by somebody else, it’s clear that that’s what this is about.

Maki thought that her decision to kill Kokichi was her own. She even still basically kept thinking of it that way even after learning he wasn’t the mastermind, and even after realising that the Flashback Light was a motive designed to make her target Kokichi. After all, she’d have chosen on her own to kill a Remnant of Despair anyway; the Flashback Light just happened to let her know Kokichi was one, right? But upon realising that none of that was true, that there was no genuine, non-fabricated reason for her to kill Kokichi at all, it shakes Maki to her core.

It wasn’t really her decision, on any level. She was finally beginning to feel, after Kaito’s trial, that her desires were her own and they meant something – but here’s a sudden revelation proving that this action of hers that she thought was entirely of her own volition was never that at all. It was nothing but her being manipulated and used as a puppet to kill by someone with far more power than her, just like she always has been.

(Maki also overlooks the implications of Kokichi’s motive video during the investigation, even though she’s in the room when Shuichi watches it, meaning she should have seen it and been able to figure out what it meant by herself. The sad truth is that because of her background of suppressing her own desires and ideas, Maki is very susceptible to manipulation. She was quite happy to believe that Kokichi was a Remnant of Despair, because it justified her decision to kill him and made the whole situation easier to deal with. There was no way she was going to question that assumption on her own.)

Similarly, when Tsumugi boasts that the Flashback Lights were being used to control everyone’s emotions and motivations, Maki again sounds more distressed by this idea than anybody else. She thought her determination to “defeat despair” was her own desire, but really, none of it was. In this instance, that’s basically true, but hearing as such is especially painful for Maki. It hits her right in her issues and the progress she was beginning to make about feeling like her own person, making her wonder if she really even is at all.

This gets even more painful for her a little later, as Tsumugi goes right for where it hurts and insists that Maki’s romantic feelings for Kaito were just artificially implanted by a Flashback Light, never truly “real”. Tsumugi probably did this because she thinks that ~romance~ is so much more important than friendship and obviously Maki must be soooo sad to lose that – but that’s not the reason why Maki’s distressed by it at all. It’s because, as I went over before, Maki’s romantic feelings for Kaito were supposed to be hers and something nobody else wanted of her and that she chose to embrace and make a part of her, all by herself. Hearing that actually they just came from some evil asshole manipulating her and using her as a puppet yet again – it tears right into all of the progress that these feelings themselves had been helping her begin to make. Maki’s emotions and desires matter after all? No, they don’t. They were never even hers in the first place. They were never even real.

Someone more self-assured than Maki (such as Kaito) would have been able to stand up for their own feelings here and call Tsumugi’s claim out as the bullshit it obviously is. Even if her feelings were implanted, they would still matter just as much because she’d still be feeling them now – but also, there’s a mountain of evidence for the fact that Maki’s romantic feelings for Kaito were in fact completely real and organically arose throughout her interactions with him. She made it very clear as she confessed to them at the end of trial 5 that this is all about the kind of person Kaito is and the things he’s done for her. That’s where her romantic feelings arose from, and all of that was entirely real and happened after everyone was created from fake memories. Maki is the only one who was inside her own head when she began to feel that way about Kaito, so she of all people should know better than anyone else just how very not-fake her feelings are!

But she can’t realise that on her own. Despite the progress she’d been making thanks to Kaito’s trial, Maki had still spent a lifetime (a fake lifetime, but those fake memories clearly still wired her brain to think this way) suppressing her emotions as thoroughly irrelevant and feeling like she was nothing but a puppet for other people’s whims. She began the killing game with absolutely no self-assurance in who she is or how she feels; of course it would be heartbreakingly easy for her to lose faith in herself and revert back to thinking that way again when given the slightest reason to.

So Maki just buys Tsumugi’s claim completely, without even questioning it. Her feelings for Kaito were fake, as was her desire to defeat the mastermind, as was everything else about who she is. Nothing about her matters, and it never did. She doesn’t even get to be a person at all.

Believing in herself at last

We don’t see Maki reacting much as Shuichi begins his impassioned argument that the pain and emotions and desires everyone felt in this killing game were still thoroughly real. But it must have helped her begin to overcome this. If you feel something, that feeling is real and important, and that’s all that matters. She believes in Shuichi’s judgement; she must have been listening to him.

Perhaps even more helpful for her is how, as Shuichi encourages Maki to stand with him on this, he urges her to believe in herself. It might sound generic at first glance, but really, that’s exactly what Maki’s arc and her struggle with these issues always needed to come down to in the end: her believing that she has worth as a person. Not only in terms of not hating herself and accepting that she deserves to have friends, but in terms of embracing the fact that her feelings are real and important and hers, and they always have been.

It’s so hard for Maki to do this. It goes against everything that’s been ingrained into her throughout her whole life (a “fake” life, but what does that matter when it’s having a real effect on her?), and everything that Tsumugi’s been spouting for half the trial. But she can do it now. Thanks to everything Kaito’s done for her, and the things she felt as she lost him twice, and Shuichi’s continued support, Maki finally makes a conscious effort to believe in everything she’s feeling. She chooses for herself to make her existence as Maki Harukawa matter.

It’s such a wonderful culmination to her character arc, right at the end of chapter 6. She’s finally reached a point where she can fully accept and embrace that she wants to believe in herself like this. Kaito would be so, so proud of her – like he once said, “The only thing that matters is what you want to believe!”, and now Maki Roll is embodying that perfectly! But as much as Kaito would have loved to see this, the best part is that she’s not even doing this to make him proud. She needed her friends’ help and kindness to be able to reach this point, but now she’s not doing this for anyone else’s sake. Maki’s doing it purely for herself.

[whentherewerebicycles]

i am doing SO much interesting reading this morning and it’s making me feel so invigorated and alive!! one hazy thing i am thinking about today is how much of social media culture (but maybe especially twitter) encourages people (maybe esp young people) to focus on & amplify the negative aspects of their lives, characters, relationships, personal experiences, etc., while sort of tacitly discouraging (by not rewarding as strongly) the sharing of strengths, talents, dreams, aspirations, or the fulfilling aspects of our lives/relationships/work.

these hazy thoughts are attached to some even hazier thoughts i’ve been working through over the past year or so, about how social media rhetoric around “destigmatizing mental illness” may help to reduce shame around depression, anxiety, etc. (i’m not entirely convinced on that point), but in many ways seems to more deeply entrench people in a depressive mindset. the way social media encourages people to talk about & share experiences of mental illness tends to strongly reward divulging painful or negative aspects of our lived experience, while dismissing or not directly rewarding (with attention, engagement, etc.) efforts to share practical tools for refiguring the habits of mind and features of one’s environment that can entrench depressive symptoms. social media culture elicits and strongly rewards expressions of suffering, and it also seems to encourage people (especially young people) to see mental illness (or the distress that mental illnesses cause) as a core aspect of their identity, ie, an essential and immutable part of who they are. it’s almost like, under the guise of “accepting ourselves as we are,” we are encouraged to see our depression, anxiety, bipolar symptoms, etc as part of our “authentic selves,” which i think can subconsciously dissuade us from pursuing treatment or lifestyle changes that could significantly alleviate the suffering those conditions cause us.

i also feel very strongly (and this is anecdotal experience drawn from almost 10 years of working closely with college students) that over the past decade social media culture has normalized depression and anxiety in ways that i find extremely disturbing. many of my students now act as if it is completely normal and unremarkable for a person to live with (and to regularly express) lowgrade feelings of “i hate myself,” or “i’m trash,” or “i want to die / it would be better if i were dead.” it also seems to be much less common for students to talk openly about pursuing happiness, well-being, a sense of personal fulfillment in one’s work and relationships, etc. of course, there are absolutely students who still prioritize those things (i see it in their work & in the way they pursue and talk about that work). but they seem to do so in increasingly quiet, inwardly-directed ways, as if there is something slightly taboo about openly expressing a desire to be fulfilled by one’s work, or about openly prioritizing emotional well-being.

i am getting way too far into the territory of drawing Big Conclusions from anecdotal observations so i will back off for now!! BUT I do want to note that i tend to work with students who self-identify as very leftist (somewhere on the progressive to radical spectrum) and who have an avowed concern with a wide range of social and environmental justice issues. now THIS is the haziest thought of all, but i feel like there is a link between what i am describing in social media culture & the extremely-online left’s obsessive focus on what indigenous scholar & researcher Eve Tuck calls “damage-centered narratives.” Tuck defines damage-centered narratives as accounts of the world, or of one’s self and community, that center experiences of exploitation, trauma, damage, pain, loss, and oppression.

Tuck argues that progressive and radical movements tend to rely on a flawed “theory of change,” namely that obsessively and endlessly documenting the damage caused by oppression will somehow move the dominant group to redress historical & ongoing injustices—when actually, historically, the dominant or oppressive group is almost never moved or shamed into changing course. damage-centered narratives not only fail to produce the desired change, but also tend to leave people with a distorted understanding of themselves and their communities as fundamentally damaged, flawed, incomplete, too traumatized or oppressed to heal, etc. in essence, damage-centered rhetoric teaches both marginalized people and members of the dominant group to see damage as both a normal and essential part of the marginalized group’s identity. Tuck’s argument is not that we should pretend like the damage doesn’t exist, or stop documenting the suffering it causes. but she does argue that we need to think about what we center in the stories we tell about ourselves and our communities, and about what happens to our sense of agency and wholeness when we repeatedly choose to center trauma and suffering in ways that crowd out stories of individual & community power, resilience, agency, and healing.

i feel like there’s some link here—like, some way in which social media culture’s rhetoric around “destigmatizing mental illness” has gotten entangled in these leftist damage-centered theories of change. or maybe it’s less of a direct connection and more like, Tuck’s analysis offers a useful framework for describing what i observe in these social media cultures. idk! still working through the tangled threads of this thought (and it’s possible that the connection to political views isn’t the most compelling part of this observation, just a personal pet idea of mine that i am always trying to fit into this narrative).

anyway i think i just want to end by saying that it is in fact NOT normal for lots of young people (or older people!) to be living everyday with a lowgrade feeling of wanting to die, and that we should be really concerned first and foremost with the political and economic conditions that are producing those feelings, but also with a social media culture that presents those feelings as “normal” and tacitly rewards them. but even that articulation does not feel very precise! because i am not saying at ALL that the solution is to stop talking about the lived conditions of our lives, or the fact that many of us DO live in a state of distress. it’s not the sharing of feelings that concerns me at all (all i do all day is share my feelings on the internet!!! sharing and reflecting on feelings is Good, actually!!). rather, it’s the way in which the sharing itself (of feelings of despair, depression, worry, social isolation, hopelessness, suicidal ideation, etc.) becomes an end point & a “good” in and of itself. the sharing becomes disconnected from, idk, a deep culture-wide examination of the conditions that produce those feelings, or from a culture-wide mobilization to materially address those conditions.

AND ALSO, to circle back to my very first point: when the sharing of negative emotions & experiences is rewarded and treated as an end in and of itself (ie it does not spark further individual or collective action/response), it tends to crowd out (and perhaps even render taboo) the sharing of strengths, hopes, dreams and aspirations, our efforts to build more fulfilling lives and relationships, and so on. sharing and focusing on the positive aspects of our lives does not automatically solve the negative stuff, and obviously we are often going to find ourselves in situations where we don’t have a lot of agency or the power to change our material circumstances. the negative stuff is real, and the way it makes us feel deserves to be closely and compassionately attended to. but i just worry about a particular kind of dysfunctional coping mechanism that encourages us to treat the shittiest, most distressing aspects of our lived experience as somehow central or essential to our identities, while persistently downplaying or discouraging us from cultivating the traits and habits of mind that make life worth living & our personal and collective well-being worth striving for. 

[danddymaro]

Erron Black X Reader |Pt.3

Previous: A Familiar Sense

Thoughts are italics in quotations = ‘Example’

Flashbacks are in italics = Example

Fixed

Wordcount :   8111

Pt. 3 |   The Big Bad Wolf

His dark, espresso-colored eyes lazily fell over the captive female, eyeing the silent, somber woman as she sat across him. 

She was still bound and helpless, her face set blank as she slept, yet again escaping reality through her slumbering moments.

‘She’s out again,’ He thought to himself, emitting a low blow of air that flew up to the flat under-piece of his hat. By then he’d quickly caught on to her ingenious, little plan, taking it in with growing exasperation,

“ Nearnin' three days and not a bite,” he told himself before standing, rolling his shoulders with a low, little groan escaping him before he strode over to her. 

He knew that if she kept up with her act, she’d starve before they made their way to their destination, something that would definitely reduce his pay, bringing the number down to zero if she so happened to perish while under his watch.

‘That has to be your plan...right?’ He mused while he stepped towards her slumped form, quickly reaching over to where she was, soon looming over her just as a shaken breath left her.

It was as though a cold gust of wind had violently struck her, but he knew her reaction had nothing to do with the weather.

It was still sunny out, the last bit of heat the day could provide slowly dying out, but not enough to bring anyone to such violent shivers.

‘Sunny... Well as sunny as it can get in this godforsaken place,’ He told himself, looking up to see the blinding brightness of Outworld’s star spread its last bit of light out to the realm before it retired.

'Pretty soon we'll see sundown,' He thought to himself, '...And I can't help but wonder...Just what are you're thinking of little miss...’ He wondered while bringing his eyes back down to his sleeping captive, his gaze instinctively drawn to her. 

He’d formally wasted what felt like short minutes gazing at her, when in reality they were hours of silent entrancement.

It had occurred earlier too, soon after her messy outburst, following his discovery of her lovely orbs. 

Even after he'd been cautious, moreso, unwilling to fall under any little spell she would have set for him, he still found himself entranced by her. 

However, he reasoned that technically, it was part of his assignment. 

So silently, he sat back and watched, interested in just what lay deep within the crevices of her mind, haunting her.

‘Just what does she see?’

He briefly wondered just what had her so shaken and helpless, however, the interest was easily overrun by the annoyance he felt at the small act of rebellion, because all it did was make his job harder.

- All it did was threaten his pay, and that was what it was all about.

The pay.

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“- Not a scratch on her,” The masked man said with an icy undertone present in his already curt way of speaking. “Do you hear me?” He pressed on. 

With rolling eyes, Black agreed, not needing to be told twice about the done deal, because by then, it’d become almost insulting.

"- Got it." He replied back nonetheless, his tone calmed as he wiled out all of his annoyance from the short response.

“That is the only rule I have; that you bring her to me in one piece.” The cloaked male added while handing the brunette a sack of golden coins along with many other little treasures in the bag, none of which could outweigh the value of the woman within the mysterious man’s sharp eyes.

“Here. This is only a small portion of what is to come,” His new employer said with a nod full of certainty, promising so much more in exchange for the job.

“Riches await you, So long as you complete your task.” He added while he blew out a little huff of amusement, well aware of who he spoke to, having personally asked for him, because until then Erron Black hadn't had a single blunder to his name.

He knew the language the native Earthrealmer spoke, aware that so long as there was profit, there was a way to convince him.

And that was just who he needed, 

- A man willing to spare no expense if it meant success.

Holding the bag within his own hand, Erron stared down at the handsome pay with widely peeled dark orbs, struck by a small stun of disbelief, 

“You mean to tell me there’s more than this?” He asked with a small chuckle, tickled by the high pay he started off with, weighing the contents with his outstretched hand.

‘All this for a woman,’ Black thought while shaking his head, amused at how much the man before him was willing to pour into his hands just to have the female delivered to him.

Black was of course, a man; one who’d lived a long life. 

During all his time living, he’d become aware of just how much a single woman could reign over a fool, but even then he was still in awe at the situation he was in.

But who was he to complain?

‘I’d be a bigger fool to let you take your business elsewhere,’ He thought while he chose to stay silent, swallowing down his own opinions.

“There is plenty more, but remember Erron Black, your pay will depend on the state you deliver her to me.

Take care of her throughout your travel, and make certain she is steered from danger,” He specified while he lifted his chin up, aiming to the sky as he gazed at it.

Simultaneously, while his sight properly aligned up to the heavy clouds, the sky above them roared with a mighty cry, the vicious sound echoing for miles to where the man hoped it'd reach his darling beauty.

'Hear the sky cry out; be aware of my existence as I am yours,' He thought to himself.

“Do whatever it takes, and do not fail me,” he then went on, his already dark eyes dimmed, “ And If you have to get rid of anyone that blocks your path, then do so,” He added, caring of only the end goal.

All he cared about was having (f/n) with him.

“Soon... Soon the spring will be invaded by the rain, and they will exist as they should. " he declared.

" Together, as one.” He added softly, the mask which hid his face not only hiding his identity, but the small smile that played at his lips as well.

The expression was touched by a linger of sweetness that then reached his eyes, infecting every bit of his being.

 “My dear goddess… soon she will be within my arms,” He mused aloud, the change in tone apparent.

“Only you are worthy…” He added lowly, still referring to the woman and all her splendor.

“- Very well,” Black murmured while taking hold of the brim of his hat, lightly tipping it as he performed a single nod, a hidden smirk curling his lips as he agreed with the condition, taking in all of the other man’s odd behavior with astounded amusement that had yet to cease.

‘All this… All this for a woman,’ Erron thought to himself while he was also handed a scroll that gave him all of the information available.

‘It’s easy pay,’ He mused while his dark eyes scanned over the illustration of the woman, making sure to remember it down to the last detail.

With his small, personal booklet in hand, he recorded down every bit of information he had of her, including her location.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the precise location, but it narrowed down the search considerably.

‘ (F/n)’ He thought to himself while he scribbled the name onto the once blank page,‘ That’s your name little missy..,’ He thought to himself while he found himself staring down at the dark ink delicately painted onto the paper in hand.

“I’ll get back to you soon,” Black said before he whistled loudly, the call responded to by his snow-haired steed as it approached the two men with an assertive bray, letting his master know he was at his disposition.

“Good boy,” Erron said while his palm fell over the side of its long, strong neck before easily mounting the creature with a leap up,

“ And don’t worry, I’ll be back soon,” He repeated while taking the reins of the saddle, turning to his employer with a wide grin, “ Very soon...with your goddess,” he added with a tickle of amusement, shaking his head at the praising address.

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“Hey...You,” Erron said while lightly tapping the side of his boot onto her leg, repeatedly doing so until the action caused her to stir, the (h/c) haired young woman seemingly bothered by the disturbance, but not enough to immediately wake.

Instead, A fussy, little groan then fell past her, the small sound rousing a grin from him as he detected the annoyance weaved within it,

“Rise and shine Darlin',’' He said while nudging her again.

Her dark lashes slowly fluttered up as she opened her (e/c) colored orbs. Soon, her glazed eyes slowly found his as she looked up to see who woke her, a little pout then performed right as her sights landed on him.

“-Glad you’re awake,” He said flatly, eyeing her shining (e/c) colored eyes for just a moment before his own strayed, falling down to what he had in hand instead.

“I’ve noticed a certain someone hasn’t been eating,” he started, “so... here," he said while shoving the piece of meat over to her, immediately glaring at her as she turned her head, her lips pursed together as she showed her notable disdain, not even wanting to give any consideration to the offer.

‘After being kidnapped by him…

Tied up so uncomfortably...

Forced to be so close to him…On that damn saddle too!’

She thought with a little huff, the muscles in between her legs involuntarily squeezing, causing the soreness that previously settled onto her to become more prominent.

‘After seeing only just part of who you truly are… I wouldn’t dare take anything from you,’ She thought with hard resolve.

‘Because despite what you think…

Despite what you may find amusing…

I’ll make sure to find my freedom.

I’ll make sure that even if I don't get to escape… I’ll ruin every bit of satisfaction you can get from delivering me!’

There wasn’t anything she could do while being tied up, and she despised the fact.

‘I hate you! I really hate you!’ She repeated while yet again her muscles strained, ‘And I don’t want to get on that horse again!’ She added while biting her inner cheek, not thinking she'd ever get used to it.

They’d spent nearly two days on foot, and in her opinion, it was much better than the other form of transportation.

‘I’d rather walk,’ She thought with a low blow of breath being released, deciding that it was much better than the humiliation he put her through during the first time.

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“There you go!” he mused, watching her glare at him as he perfectly sat her on his horse’s back, having let loose of the binds on her legs to do so, but not giving the same treatment to the ones binding her hands together. 

He played it safe by altering the position of her arms, tying her wrists up in front rather than back for the ride.

“Come on, lighten up doll,” He told her, reaching up to give her thigh encouraging little pats, the little contact causing her to jump at the first tap. 

“It’s much better than walking,” He assured her, knowing she was already dog tired.

Soon after, an actual shiver then ran through her as he mounted the creature himself, sitting right behind her, his arms draped over her bound ones to take the reins.

“Don’t wanna chew gravel, right?” He asked her, his strong arms at each side of her, holding her still, 

“- So just stay still...no squirmin," He advised her.

Momentarily, her eyes fell down to the dirt ground, swallowing hard as she realized that if she did struggle against him, she’d only end up hurt.

‘He's right...I’m so high off the ground…’ She thought while hanging her head, her chin aimed to her chest with hopelessness.

Anxiously, she tried to squeeze herself tiny, not wanting any contact with him. Little by little, she tried to inch forward, her torso leaned ahead to try an attempt at even the slightest bit of distance, failing altogether as he took the opportunity to press his chest to her back each and every time, knowingly irking her.

‘I don’t want to be pressed to you,’ She inwardly cried, straightening her back from the uncomfortable slouch she had set it at.

‘The very idea disgusts me…’ She added while the warmth of his body was shared with her via the contact.

‘And the action itself...’ She went on, trailing off while her stomach churned, her heart set into anxious mode as she slowly caved. 

By then the air began to mellow down and grow colder, the woman begrudgingly appreciating the comfort of his heat whilst the wind began to pick up, and the sky began to darken furthermore.

She tried to not think much of it, wanting to put every bit of memory she had of him down a deep, dark abyss to never think of him again, but finding it nearly impossible.

‘I detest this more than anything in the world…’ She thought while her vision began to blur, her stiff shoulders falling as she was lulled to sleep, the slow, careful beating of his heart which bounced off his chest and melted with hers providing a strange sense of comfort that overwhelmed her. 

 The rest of the travel was silent, save for the occasional soft hums he released out of sheer boredom, something that was normal during his travels. 

 What he did find surprising was that throughout the ride, she'd let out not a peep.

'I guess they're not all bad then,' He told himself, beginning to think that perhaps she had a nice dream every now and then.

' Or don't tell me…. ' he then thought while grinning, a stupid little thought coming to him and livening him up,

'Darlin'...have you taken a liking to me already?' He mused with a powerful grin, the thought so far stretched, it was almost comical.

'The second you realize what you're doing… I know it'll give you all the more reason to want to kill me,' he went on, by then having the sleeping woman leaned back to him, for the most part, cradled by him as he made sure she was safely secured within his grasp.

"And here I thought you hated me," he said whilst he came down to her little ear, certain that it'd be an action that would bring her back to reality.

-And he was right on the money because not a second after she stirred.

She had awoke to the sound of warm chuckles and what was the unmistakable touch of gloved hands grazing her forearms with slow strokes.

Groggily, she answered back, emitting a soft groan in response that was preceded by yet another sound of amusement by him,

“I see...” She heard the awful man speak, “Taken a liking to me already sweetheart?” He asked her, her tingling spine shooting up stiffly straight as over the course of her entire body, cold shudders raked her.

The events afterward happened in a blur, perhaps because she tried hard to forget it, that, or her mind was so frazzled by him that she could barely focus.

It was all fuzzy to her, but through it all, she could hear him chuckle, the deep, warm sound twisting her already knotted stomach as she tried to sleep yet again, attempting to ignore him after he had the nerve to sit her back down and tie her up again, moving her around like a little sack of potatoes.

‘ Just one,' she decided with certainty, biting her lip, convincing herself that she just needed the chance, whatever slim it may be, to slip away.

‘ And then I can go back home.

I can make my way back…

And I can wait for you there,’ she thought while for just a moment her mind drifted back to the hazy vision of the woman.

‘ I’ll wait for you there,’ she said again, ‘ because I know deep in my heart that you'll make your way to me.’

Sure he'd been able to catch her easy, but she wasn't going to let him win in the long run.

She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction, and what was much more, she'd make certain she'd get away.

'I need to get away from him.

Far ...Far away from him.'

 "hm...What a rude, little lady," he said lowly, taking the piece meant for her in between his own teeth, taking a bite as he watched her, studying her and every twitch of her face as an array of emotions broke through.

It wasn't like he had anything else to do but watch her anyways, so entertained, he watched her display her truths.

She went from stubborn bitterness to a hard resolve, slowly but surely melting in a softhearted expression that was touched by sadness before she came back full circle, her lips pursed as she willed herself into the same bullheadedness.

'I won't take it…' she thought to herself, ' I don't want to…' she went on, trying to convince herself, 'but…' she thought while she swallowed hard, trying to brush away the empty feeling she felt, and what was much more, the desire she had to sink her teeth into the savory, smoky scented piece.

Her pressed lips then loosened in the slightest, the bottom one lightly sinking into her mouth as she continued to watch him, (e/c) colored eyes trained on his chewing mouth.

Longing invaded the lovely shine of eyes as she watched him, but stubbornly, she continued to deny him the satisfaction, not wanting to give the man any more reason to reign over her.

However, despite all the effort she made to seem collected, her stomach rumbled, the sound immediately drawing his eyes to her pathetic, little figure.

Catching the little twinkle in his eye she swallowed down fiercely.

Instantly her face grew warm, color blossoming over her cheeks from being so easily put to shame, all by her own roaring tummy.

“ Stubborn too.” He added with amusement, eyeing the warm color sitting on her shamed face.

‘I see… so that really was your plan,’ He mused, watching her determination slowly crack. ’Good to know,’

It'd been a hunch, but now he was convinced she purposely starved herself, be it for the reason he’d assumed or not, that was her intention, and now he was certain.

Seeing his notable enjoyment at her dismay, she tightened her teeth together, glaring at him viciously, still willing to keep up her front despite her humiliation, which always came at his hands,

“ I'll die before you get me there!” she said through gritted teeth, her words filled with malice as all the while, her face showed the same evident embarrassment that had yet to leave her even while she desperately tried to fight it.

‘ I swear… I swear I’ll find my way home,’

“You won't get a single coin for me! Not One!” She taunted him, snorting, picking at the mercenary like a madman poking a sleeping bear,

‘Because I know well enough that whoever paid you to take me wants me unscathed,’ She thought with assurance. 

‘So you can either let me go….Or let me die,’ She went on, the latter being a path she didn’t want to take.

‘I don’t want to die…’ She thought to herself, pained at the thought, her heart aching, ‘ I don’t want to meet an end where I feel such incompletion, but...but if I were to continue to live, What would be my fate?’ She wondered, afraid of all of the horrible things she could be subjugated to.

‘What awaits at the end of this journey?’ She wondered helplessly.

‘Who...Who awaits me?’

“Oh really?” He said amused. “You think so?” He asked her, continuing to eat, unbothered by her threats, interested in provoking her in order to see just how far she’d really go, because he hadn’t known she could bark so much.

He thought she was meek. 

He figured she was easy to break, but he was slowly being proven wrong.

At the sound of his entertained tone, she strained against the tight ropes, “I know so !” She answered back, roaring at him with a voice that held a dangerous firmness within it,

“I don't know who paid you to do this…” she started, in her own mind trying her damn best to figure out just who in the world wanted her so bad that they'd pay some armed mercenary to whisk her away.

"But they won't give you anything seeing me dead!" She cried out, her arms still attempting to pull away from each other, wiggling on her seat on the floor, attempting to do the same with the restraint on her legs.

“I’m starting to see that you’re really stubborn,” he muttered, watching her waste her energy, seeing her waste the lovely, flickering flame that had him entertained.

“You’re barkin’ at a Knott. Wiggling so much won’t get you anywhere, so all in all, I’d say that once we get there, you’d just wasted that breath of yours,” He informed her, watching her continue to shift with the knowledge that she’d stay bound regardless of what she did.

'Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!'

Fuming, she stopped squirming, refusing to answer him back, instead looking up at the sky, her nose turning up to it as she inclined her head back to gaze at it fully.

Up there in the sky….

‘ Does anyone see me?’ She wondered. ‘Can anyone save me?’ She continued to ponder, wishing that somehow the ropes that bound her became unwoven, somehow unthreading.

(F/n) continued on, ignoring him instead as her thoughts strayed up to the sky with a yearning gaze, sadness dancing with the little shining specs in her (e/c) colored orbs.

‘If you know I need you…

If you know where I am…

If you come to me in my hours of sleep…

Then why don’t you save me from this nightmare? From this horrible isolation and sorrow?

Why don’t you show yourself?

Why have you abandoned me?’

Hearing no reply back, Erron took a step closer, staring down at her from his upturned chin, glaring down at her with an irked twitch to his brow.

 “So...After all that, you're ignoring me again?” He asked her, approaching her again and crossing his thick arms above his chest.

He saw her jaw move, tensing up and tightening as she kept her eyes up to the dark sky, seeming to grow more and more annoyed by his presence, and nearing an approach to yet another explosion of hers.

He knelt down to her, his eyes fixed on her, staring at the woman dead on yet, still being ignored by her as she continued to reside in her thoughts instead, choosing to do away with his presence the only way she could.

“Really now?” he said with a low sigh,” After all that bark you plan on giving me the cold shoulder ?” He asked her, receiving a cold, desolate silence in return, irking him, the woman easily crawling under his skin with her little act.

'Stubborn little brat…' he thought while huffing.

“...I’ve said all I need to say to you,” She said lowly, still not bothering to look towards him, instead, gazing up at the air, the dark, night sky soon in her line of vision,

“...You rotten man,” She added with a clenched jaw.

 "Alrighty then,” he said with a nod, “That's just fine,” he told her, shrugging disinterestedly. “Fine by me if you keep your mouth shut,” He retorted, “But you know… I can't have you starved,” he informed her. 

“ Dying on me…” he added nonchalantly.

“So eat,” He told her, receiving a brisk and snarky No in return.

“ It’s not good for my business, you know?” He told her, and as he spoke he could see a thick shiver run through her, rattling her as he put in his complaint.

“Bringing in a dead body won’t do me any good,” He added, almost as though him telling her about his little dilemma would convince her otherwise.

“Screw y-”

Not letting her finish, he caught her nose in between his two fingers both his thumb and index pressed on either side, squeezing tightly and cutting off her airflow.

At that, her eyes bugged, arms flailing to tear his hand away, but as she did, she was left with the same helplessness as the restraints which bound her didn't budge.

Being trapped, she couldn't really fight back, and the best she could do was shake her head, but even then, his grip was firm, causing tears to bubble in her eyes as the sting of his press and lack of oxygen overwhelmed her,

“Ah!”

It didn't take long for her to gasp, her mouth flying wide open, and with a quick hand, he shoved the last of his morsel in her mouth, offering her a satisfied grin while he succeeded.

She would have spit it out had it not tasted so heavenly, especially while she was starved.

He watched as she begrudgingly ate, satisfied with himself, "’atta girl," he muttered, making her scowl, her eyes once again glowing with a fierce fire.

“ If looks could kill,” he started,” by now I’d be dead, dead, dead,” he mused, “ right honey?” He asked her, making her scoff before she swallowed down the bit of food with a dried mouth,

‘ How dare he…

How dare this… this… rotten man toy so much with me!’ She thought with dismay, convinced that every thing he did was to bother her.

If it wasn’t bad enough that he’d caught her and had her at his mercy, he seemed to enjoy picking at her and making her suffer.

‘But then again…’ She mused while a sudden thought came to her as she saw an open window, ‘It's to my advantage…Right?’ She thought to herself, slowly finding her voice, her (e/c) colored eyes drawn to his boots, not daring to look up at him, knowing her eyes could betray her,

‘If he finds me to be so vulnerable…

If he thinks I’m so helpless… then wouldn’t that mean he sees no threat in me?

Wouldn't that mean that he doesn’t expect me to get the best of him?

Isn’t he too confident?... Enough for me to take my needed chance? ’ She wondered with hope.

‘I’m nowhere near as strong as he is...’ She thought with certainty, ‘But maybe I don’t have to be,’ She thought while momentarily bringing her eyes to the weapon strapped to his side.

‘Maybe I just have to be smarter,’ She added.

‘If I can get it away from him... and maybe even use it myself...’ She trailed off, biting her lower lip, 

‘If he can get closer to me...and give me just a moment...’

“Can I...I have some water? ” She asked him softly, making him chuckle.

“ You have to be sweeter than that honey. After all that big talk I'm a little hesitant to get closer to you… Who knows right? “ He asked her. “For all I know you could try and bite me.

From that little devilish look in your eye, I can only assume you're on the shoot.” He told her, betting on the chances of her planning to escape.

“I’m parched,” She told him, which wasn’t too much of a lie because she actually was thirsty.

“ I haven't had anything to eat or drink,” She said to him, giving him large doe eyes, the sudden look of plea hitting him with surprise.

Again, her little stars were shot to him, causing his jaw to lock at the sight, remembering just what they did to him the last time, figuring she was making the same attempt,

'She's a damn witch,' He told himself, convinced she had some sort of magic to her as he reached towards his water canteen, unscrewing it as he approached her yet again.

He then kneeled to her, coming closer to her level while his right hand began to tilt the opened container just over her mouth, his left hand momentarily running his fingers over the soft skin of her chin, lifting it up with the tips of them to make sure she didn't spill anything.

"Open up," He murmured, his actions making her frown, the expression instantly washing over her as he leaned in.

"C-Can't you let me go?" She asked him, having expected him to untie the restraints to let her drink," I can drink on my own," she said softly, barely uttering the words, because as she spoke she knew she was being too hopeful and that he wouldn't take a bite to her bait.

- But she had to try.

She had to take every chance she could.

Adorning a little smirk, he chuckled, " I sure hope you don't take me as a fool darling," he said while watching her stiffen.

"Insincerity...It really isn't in you, is it?" He asked her, having noticed how little she could hide her true self.

"You want me to let you go, don't you?" He asked her, placing the canteen aside, moving it out of the way before he trailed his left hand down from her waist to her thigh, moving down even more to reach her ankles where he'd tied her up.

All the while she stared at him wide-eyed, watching him undo the knot that held her before he made his way to the other tie, both knees pressed to the ground as he placed himself before her, his arms fully around her figure.

" You know...All you had to do was ask," He told her, his grin present as he was pressed to her, momentarily working on the binds while she basked in his strangely warm, sweet scent of leather.

"If you'd just kindly asked me before...there'd be no need to try and fool me," He murmured, the thickness in his voice causing her to swallow down strongly.

 "After all, I'm a sucker for pretty girls..." He informed her, her face blooming with color at the statement.

During then the tip of her nose was pressed onto his chest, breathing in his smell with tightly shut eyes,

'It's overwhelming,' She thought to herself, having already been surrounded by the scent while they'd rode on the hooved creature, but not having been encased by it as she was now.

It was inescapable and tantalizing. 

Unlike before, now she was facing him, and it felt so much more intimate to be pressed together in such a manner, 

'-But...wait...what...what's going on?' She wondered with confusion while the pit of her stomach warmed, a strange, yet sweet, and warm feeling spreading out to the rest of her body as it was surrounded by him.

" You think I'm the big bad wolf, don't you?" He asked her with a small hum, hearing her reply to him with a nearly soundless sigh, having nothing more to really respond with.

' No. I think you're awful...I know you are...' She thought to herself, trying to ignore the strange, and foreign feeling that washed over her.

'You're...You're the worst,' she reminded herself.

"But really... I'd only bite if you gave me a reason to...If you'd tempt me to..." He added while drawn so close she felt uncertain on whether or not he could actually feel the wild pace her heart ran with.

'You must know what you're doing to me...

Whatever it is you’re doing to me...You have to know...' She silently spoke, wanting to draw back from him, yet left stupidly stilled.

Unwillingly, a little, anxious whimper escaped her, causing his chest to rumble with yet another chuckle, the sound surrounding her, causing her skin to bump up, the woman becoming thoroughly flustered.

'You must be enjoying this...' She thought with perturbation. 'Toying with me like this... making me feel so helpless and small...I...I...Just why do I even feel like this to begin with?'

He suddenly stopped, his voice low, beneath his breath, sounding clear as day to her as she was at such a close range, daring to ask a question that needed no answer, 

"Am I making you nervous?" He asked her, teasing her, causing the tension between them to thicken furthermore.

It had always there. The same thick, uncomforting feeling as the villain was pressed so close to her was always present, however, somehow, with just the single teasing utter, he'd made the air became almost unbreathable and suffocating.

'Is it just me? ' She wondered, suddenly feeling warmer, the feeling somehow similar to standing near a blazing fire. 

She felt so nervous and small, her vulnerability making her feel delicate beneath the rugged man who she was growing certain remained unmoved.

" what do you want from me?" She then asked him, her chest heaved as she shook, wanting to know just what his plan was.

She was aware that he was dangerous.

She knew he wasn't there out of the kindness of his heart, and that the only reason their paths crossed was because of who he already was.

‘You’re someone who’s done awful things. 

You’re someone who doesn’t care about anything but himself and what he can get back.‘

She knew it, and yet, within such a short time, the warmth of his body had already become familiar to her, melting over her sweetly, and leaving a mark that now responded at any form of closeness. 

‘You’re not someone I should be comfortable with in any way...

So why is my body responding in this way? '

 "Why me?" She asked him in search of a concrete answer.

Why her of all people?

 " Someone just wants you that bad..." he replied, answering briskly.

"Who?" She asked him anxiously, all while pleading.

'Just who,' she thought with fright.

" Can't say," he answered back because truth be told, he had no idea.

He'd only ever met the man once and during then his voice was slightly muffled by the mask he'd worn. And if that wasn't enough, he'd also worn a long hood, hiding most of himself save for his dark gaze.

The almond-shaped eyes clicked in his mind, but not enough to give him certainty on just who it was.

 " But we'll see when we get there," he told her.

"In the meantime-"

" Why don't you just let me go?" she interrupted him, questioning him in the same hushed tone of before, "You can let me go," she assured him, her glimmering eyes pleading as she inclined her head back, gazing up at him.

 ' If there is any good in you, please... please let me see it.

Please let it shine through.' She thought with growing faith. ‘ This feeling...give it reason.’ She went on, searching for a soft spot within his glaring dark stones, trying to weave through to a portion of his heart that held mercy.

"And why would I do that? What do I get in return?" He questioned her, scoffing at her plea, because she couldn't really believe it was just that easy, right?

Did she think she could give him puppy eyes and she'd be set?

His resolve then hardened even more as he looked down at her, challenging her, letting her understand that if she thought a look from her eyes was enough to bind him again, she was sorely mistaken.

It wasn't going to happen another time, because he was a strong man, one that wouldn't be caught off guard.

- One who would cave down to no little woman.

Just then the ropes fell, and in that instance of freedom her hands went up to his chest, intent on pushing back while he did the contrary, slowly falling onto her until she was left supported on her elbows.

 ' Do you understand..?' he mused while he was coming close to her, ' I'm In charge...and for now... I make the rules.

So don't think you have anything over me.

Don't think you can play me in any way. '

Her hand then moved to snake over to the side his gun was strapped to when he spoke, stopping her, 

" Tell me Darlin', if we were to cut a deal....what would I get from you?" He asked her, the question making her eyes widen.

The featherlight hope within her grew, her eyes gleaming with the lovely look of trusting faith causing him to shake his head in disbelief. He was amused she really had so much optimism in her despite being trapped beneath him, and that all in all, she was stuck at the mercy of a man that made his living spilling red.

" Anything," she said nodding, starry-eyed and happy, "Anything you want," she breathed.

"Oh? And How much is that ?" He asked, interested, "How much can you give?" he asked her, "You might be able to buy your way out of this," he informed her, knowing there was no way in hell she could, but entertained by just what she'd give,

 What did she think was valuable?

 " I already told you, you can have anything you want!" She said desperately, not understanding why he pressed on so much. 

Didn't he understand that anything was better than being sold off?

Didn't he get that all she wanted to do was make her way back home?

 "Just let me go home and leave me be!" She exclaimed.

"So..." he started, dragging out the word with a little teasing grin, "You're willing to give me anything I ask for... You want to be free that bad?" He asked her, and with a furious nod, she agreed again.

"Please..." she airily murmured.

' I don't know what I've done...

What I've done wrong...

But if it gets me back home, I'll owe you my life.'

A miserable, little smile touched her face while her wet eyes looked up at him, holding onto the small string of hope he'd tossed at her. 

"Well..." He started, idly running the fingers of his left hand beneath one eye to catch any escaping drops, the sweet touch giving her a soft form of comfort.

The hand so close to the weapon withdrew fully, moved to his kind hand, offering a lax hold to his wrist that assured him she was thankful and appreciative. 

‘There is something in you then...something that is good,’ She began to think.

"Now that you mention it, there is just one thing," He said to her, continuing to smile, leering down even closer to her, the proximity causing her breath to hitch as he fully climbed over her, caging her down.

" I know there's one thing you could pay me with," he added. " Hell...I don't think you've shared it with anyone yet," he said chuckling, running the same hand's fingers down over her neck, falling to her chest to where his touch became nearly nonexistent, ghosting over the bosom until he went down to her ribcage.

All the while, his eyes were glued to her ripening face as it glowed and realization dawned onto her.

"Mind sharing it with me? "He asked her, his husky voice falling over her little, heated ear as he whispered the offer.

'Did it cross your mind?' He wondered, 'Or are you that innocently foolish?' He went on, interested to know what went through her mind.

During the entire time, he'd been just toying with her, but even then he felt a small twitch, growing excited as he caught a whiff of the sweet scent she carried around. 

 The smell that emitted from her (s/c) flesh was eerily similar to fresh wildflowers, and it was only really noticeable as he brushed his nose over her flesh, the little arousing aroma only just letting itself be known.

' I'm starting to see how you could make a man go stupid,' he thought to himself, recognizing that she was arousing from sight to scent.

"Not! Not that!" She cried out, literally shaking at his fingertips, the woman growing as delicate as a brittle leaf,

"Get...away..." she said with harsh pants, her voice trembling.

"But you said anything, right? " he said in a low murmur, reminding her of just what she had said, making her realize just how stupid she was.

 ' You thought you'd strike a chord in me and that I'd cave.

 You really thought this world worked that way.'

 "So convince me," he said whilst his lips grazed over her neck, the little contact tickling her, causing her to shiver.

A little sound that she'd never produced before set free from the confinement of her strongly heaved chest and soon after, A sweet, virginal moan struck him. 

With a tight bite to his lip that slowly raked over the flesh, he then took a long breath through clenched teeth.

"No... no..." she shook her head, tears bubbling in her eyes as she wanted to pull back every promise she made, swallowing down the words of compromise she had given him because by then she had become thoroughly frightened.

" ...Off," she weakly begged, her hands which were still on his chest fisting his shirt before she resorted to pushing her balled hands toward his chest, feeble, shaken strikes bumping him.

'For just a moment...For just a measly second...I actually trusted you!' She thought with growing anger. 

' You made me think that there was a shred of kindness in you when you're nothing but a sick... 

Degenerate...

Awful... 

Rotten man!' 

The little quakes that had overcome her ceased, as she clenched her teeth tightly, barring them with a low snarl, "Get off of me now!" She demanded, her voice suddenly stern and certain, filling with spite. 

Her right hand flew up to his face, her palm greeting his flesh with a vicious contact that echoed out, the quiet silence of the desert land interrupted by the clash.

His head moved with the force she used on him and blankly, he stared off to the side, feeling the bothersome sting left on his cheek after the well-deserved assault.

"You actually went and struck me..." he said slowly, his brown eyes glaring down at her, darkened down to near black as he watched her fierce features then melt, regret gleaming in her eyes as she realized just what she did.

His tongue slowly ran over his top lip, a heavy breath passing through his parted lips as he inhaled, sucking in a low breath.

His two hands then reached for her wrists, one pinning her left over her head with unkind force, the other lifting up her right hand back up to his face, forcing the offending hand to lay over the stinging spot it had struck.

Under her touch the spot was pulsing hot, throbbing with pain which overall left him impressed, 

"I didn't think you'd actually go ahead..." he said chuckling, no true show of malice or rebuttal being reflected.

'Serve's me right, right?' He thought to himself cheekily.

" I Didn't take you to be so brash," he admitted to her, because despite the spikes of strength that glowed in her eyes, he hadn't figured she'd be brave enough to actually take a strike at him.

"Not with these hands," he added, continuing with the same amusement, feeling her shake, the little quake present even in her fingertips.

‘These little hands that were so sweet to patches of weeds, ‘ He thought to himself as he remembered how sweetly she interacted with her garden. 

" Little miss sweet and innocent; Miss I wouldn't hurt a fly..." he jeered, "She has some poison in her, doesn't she?" he said while watching her, the said venom which had previously brewed not there, replaced with fear.

"It's a real shame..." he murmured, pressing his lips over her stinging palm, giving it a quick, playful peck that lingered.

' I know it hurts darling'...it hurts you more than it does me, doesn't it? ' He mused while his lips rested on her warm palm.

‘ I can only assume you detest violence. You loath it as much as you say you hate me.

Maybe because... To you, I am violence.

To you, I’m a complete nightmare. ’ 

There was so much shame in her eyes that she shut them close, not wanting to be ogled by the man that had already greedily drunk in their sight.

' It is such a shame...

A shame I can't touch you,' he thought with the same excitement.

' It’s A shame your nothing but an inexperienced girl at that,' he added with a shake to his head, his mind wandering to territory he knew shouldn't be threaded upon, but was unavoidable.

He dared her to stop him again, willing to take her command if she found her voice, 

' Tell me no and I'll stop.

If you can...

If those pretty lips can form the words...I'll step back now,' He thought while in the end, she stayed silent, leaving his warm mouth stuck to her, not moving from the little spot it’d landed on.

Afterward, he let her limb fall, retreating and ultimately, leaving her little body to lay with haggard breathing that was difficult to ease.

It was then that her hands reached up to her risen chest, scrambling back further from him, wanting to run, but left a wobbling mess.

Her erratic heart was in desperate need of a steady hand to grasp it, and helplessly, she clutched her chest, her wide, teary eyes following the man, afraid of him, and yet, somehow excited.

It was all too much for her.

What was much worse, the present excitement she fizzled with had her in a poorer state, the woman wondering why her body had grown so hot, as well as questioning why the sight of him caused her chest to ache so much.

' I can't stay here... I just can't,' she told herself, watching as he seemed unaffected, the light of the fire being put out by the sand he gently kicked into it. 

'I have to leave...' She told herself, letting the precious time slip past her fingers as she stayed motionless instead, watching him in quiet silence until he decided to pay her mind again.

As his eyes landed on her, she couldn't help but shrink furthermore, much more as he went to her, the bind in his hands yet again, having already given her enough time to enjoy being unbound.

'She didn't try anything,' He told himself, somewhat surprised. ‘She didn’t even move an inch,’ He observed.

" Time for some shut eyes darlin," he murmured lowly, suddenly seeming somber, all the traces of amusement he typically wore drained out, the overall sentiment having been vacant throughout the entire two hours of calm quietness.

Reaching towards her, he pulled her dangerously close to him as he carefully knotted the rope around her wrists and ankles, each twist done with slow carefulness, making certain it was secured, yet kind. 

‘Since you’ve been good...I suppose I’ll be nice.’ He silently spoke to her as he finished up restraining her, doing so in a much more comfortable manner, leaving her arms before her rather than behind.

" We're heading out in the morning, just before the sunrise," he informed her while draping a small, woolen blanket over her, her little, balled body covered by it.

"So rest up..." he added while going back to his previous spot across her, keeping his eyes on her until he was sure she was out.

Again, the same small sounds of discomfort he'd become familiar with drew from her, making his lips press together firmly, his head shaking. 

Inclining his head back, he then stared up at the stars, leisurely counting them until somewhere along the count he closed his eyes a final time, his eyelids grown to heavy to blink open. 

‘A good night’s rest,’ He thought to himself. ‘That’s all I need.’ 

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Next Part: I Know I shouldn’t 

[kneamet]

Angel of cards (12/16)

Trigger Warning: no.

Summary: Joker, Mr. J, anarchist psychopath, Tom Hiddleston. He had many nicknames. Joker was Gotham’s most dangerous and insightful man, with sharp makeup and horribly memorable scars on his face in the form of a smile. He was absolutely crazy and deadly. No one knows his real identity and everyone is afraid of his cruel jokes. But what happens when he becomes obsessed with an ordinary girl?

She belongs to him. No one can take her away from him. Even The Batman.

Chapter twelve: point of no return

"So Harvey Dent didn't make it home," the Gotham Police Commissioner said in a calm, but slightly anxious, and broken voice.

Gordon's brow furrowed and he only drew it closer to the bridge of his nose, clasping his hands together. The Joker, who was now in the room with the lights off and James, only smiled slightly.

Did this wonderful commissar have any negative feelings for him? It's really wonderful, really. The Joker, just the Joker, always found Gordon a very nice and interesting person. In the Komi Republic, to be more precise, the only person in whom that very piece of light remained in a dark and unenlightened city.

Even Batman himself, this personification of "kindness and honor" was more likely... just a toy that, although it wanted to protect Gotham from crime, but which will definitely cross the very point of no return and madness... He just needs to be pushed to do it.

"Of course not," the Joker said, smiling. Damn, he thought, starting to brush his scars more. The handcuffs, which rubbed the skin and made it difficult to touch the scars, were extremely difficult. And why are they so big?

"What did you do to him?" in a steely voice, without ceasing to be serious, the man asked, to which the Joker raised his eyebrows and made an actor's surprised face, slightly opening his mouth.

Although he couldn't hide the fact that Gordon liked him too much. He looked a lot like the Joker's father. Not at his stepfather, not at his beloved mother's boyfriends, but at his own father, who always helped him until he died.

The Joker didn't really remember the cause of his father's death. Either because of the accident, or he was killed in an alley, or he committed suicide himself. He didn't remember. I was too small then. Nor did his mother help him to console himself afterward.

"I? I was here," the Joker clearly said, gesturing at Gordon, who was concentrating, unlike the man himself, on absorbing all the information that was being conveyed to him. "Who did you leave him with? With your people?" The Joker smacked his lips, starting to scratch his hands and trying to make it not visible. Unfortunately, his gloves were taken away. What an injustice, isn't it?

"If they're still your people, of course, not Moroni," the damn Italian guy, who's playing the hell out of himself. The same to me, a criminal authority, that even during the day is afraid to attack.

The Joker smiled at Gordon, who took a deep breath. That's right, contempt. Yes, and a misunderstanding. Didn't they understand that he wanted to make the world a better place? And that was the difference between him and Batman.

"It doesn't bother you, Commissioner... realizing how lonely you really are? " loneliness... what do these people know about real loneliness and misunderstanding? That's right, nothing. Although, when you get lost and all your loved ones abandon you, you realize that it's time for the exodus. "Do you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current situation?" it was a quick throw-in. He didn't care about Harvey Dent, though. Yes, he was also interesting, but if you compare all his advantages with those of Gordon, you can immediately understand who has more of that light in the dark.

"Where is he?" it was obvious that Gordon was trying to restrain himself and not yell at the criminal present, with whom he had to babysit and interrogate. It's just a pity that James didn't know that this most ruthless criminal had saved him.

"What time is it?" he asked quickly, trying to distract attention.

"What's the difference?" asked Gordon, seemingly oblivious to the Joker's random throw-ins.

"Depending on the time, he may be in one place or several," he said, prioritizing and moving his cuffed hands as if to indicate something.

"Since we decided to play games... I'll get a cup of coffee," Gordon jerked his chair around, which was a little jarring, and headed for the lighted door, tugging on the handle.

"The game' good cop, bad cop', guess what? " the criminal smiled and straightened his green hair with shaking hands.

"Not really," Jim smiled for the first time. A pleasant smile, Joker noted, just like his father's.

***

"Daddy, daddy, look, I'm a pirate!" exclaimed the little curly-haired boy, drawing from his bosom a small sword as tall as he was, and pointing at his father with it. The boy towered over his father, standing on the couch.

The man just smiled sweetly. He considered his son the most important thing in his life. A ray of sunshine, not a child. A kid who deserves better.

The man's smile faded for a second. His mind began to recognize the unpleasant thoughts and he looked away, looking at his hand, which had only a couple of badges left on it. One week or seven days left. Not much to catch up on.

"You will be my navigator," the boy said proudly, sheathing his sword in an imaginary scabbard. The man smiled and knelt ostentatiously, raising his hands in the air as if in surrender.

"But who are you, my dear boy Tom?" asked his father, with a mocking smile. Tom smiled fondly and drew his sword again, pointing upward.

"I'm your captain, and if you don't listen to me, I'll kill you!" the boy exclaimed loudly, raising his eyebrows and opening his eyes wider with excitement. He poked his father with his sword, and the latter, like an actor, fell from his knees, falling down as if struck by a toy sword.

"Dad, are you okay?" Tom threw the sword aside and ran to his father, sitting on his knees and leaning forward to face him. The man lay motionless until he suddenly opened his eyes abruptly and raised his hands to his son's sides, whose gaze changed from alarmed to smiling-frightened.

"Gotcha, little imp," the father whispered softly, beginning to tickle his son. There was a loud laugh from little Tom that couldn't be stopped.

***

"Where are Dent and Blake?" a loud bass voice asked, as if driven through an auto-tune. The Joker looked up. That's right, Batman, how could he forget that he was here.

Oh, how harsh he is now. It's like something out of a superhero movie that Tom loved so much when he was a kid.

Wait, did he say his angel's name? His favorite angel? How dare he, no one can say her name, only himself. And this guy in tights. More precisely, it wasn't a leotard, but it wasn't important at all.

But now he needs to be distracted from that. Is he interested in listening to talk about his angel? No, the Joker would definitely talk to Batman about his angel and maybe...

No, Tom! Don't even think about the Joker's favorite angel! It belongs to him, not to you! The Joker shook his head and licked his lips, scratching his head at the same time. That idiot Tom, you don't come here at the right time. Don't stop the adults from talking.

"That's right, don't stop the adults from talking," the Joker muttered as much as possible. It's a good thing that Bruce Wayne, who is hiding under the mask of Batman, does not have such a developed hearing. It's really nice. "These mafia idiots want to take you out... to bring back the past, " he said, blinking rapidly and repeatedly, licking his lips again, and lowering his head, but not taking his eyes off it. "But I know the truth. The situation is not reversible. You changed everything. Forever, " he shook his head and pointed at the man who had slightly opened his mouth with his hand.

"Why do you want to kill me?" what a languid voice, the Joker noted. Is Batman trying to pick him up? Maybe remind him that he has his favorite angel?

"I don't want to kill you," the Joker said, shaking with laughter. His laughter was too crazy, too selfish, too much... "What will I do without you? Robbing the mafia again? " Suddenly, his sudden laughter came to an end. He adjusted his suspenders with his right hand and shook his head. "No, no. No. No you... you complete me, " as if explaining something to a small child, the Joker said, gesturing with his hands again. Wait, did they take the handcuffs off him? He looked down. Really, how nice

"You're a creature who kills for money," Batman said sternly. The Joker saw his lips tighten. Another person expressing contempt for him? What kind of bad luck is this, the Joker asked theatrically in his head.

"Don't talk like everyone else. You're not like that, even though you want to be, " the criminal advised, as if saying something obvious. Well, it might have been obvious to him, but it wasn't obvious to Batman. Although, maybe the Joker was accepting his mental abilities? "To them, you're just crazy... like me. They need you now... and you'll get bored... they'll throw you out like a leper. Their principles, their code... these are just words that are forgotten at the first danger, " the Joker said, watching as Batman's face, or rather only his lower part, twisted his lips more and more.

Oh, dear, dear Bruce Wayne, why are you so angry?

"They are what the world allows them to be. I'll prove it. When things are bad, these... civilized people... they'll eat each other. I'm not a monster. I can see right through them, " obviously, right? Joker thought, but he hardly expected to be taken by the shirt now. Batman, clearly already angry, leaned him against the wall.

"Where are Dent and Blake?" the man spoke through his teeth. The Joker's mouth dropped open. His jaw was shaking.

"You have rules. Do you think you'll be spared? " he asked, holding onto Batman's strong arms. Hell, really strong. What a strong man he is.

"I have one rule," Bruce said, Oh, sorry, Batman, only pushing the Joker harder against the brick wall.

"That's what you'll have to break to find out the truth."

"Which one?" asked Batman, loosening his grip slightly, as if interested. The Joker could feel his scowl.

"The only reasonable way to live in this world is to live without rules. And today you will break your only rule," lowering the Joker to the floor, Batman only put his foot on his body, pinning him down. Oh, the Joker sighed slightly. No, he rarely felt pain, but now it really hurt. It's unpleasant when you squeeze your stomach with a foot made of some kind of plastic. He laughed hysterically, trying to hide the pain he felt from the world. "There are five minutes left, so you'll have to play my game... If you want to save one of them”, just give him a little push, the Joker thought to herself, and he'll be broken.

"'Them'?" there was so much hopelessness in his voice. It seems that this little rich boy has begun to understand something.

"For a moment, I thought you were right, Dent. When he rushed after her," Batman grabbed the Joker's suit again and pushed him painfully onto the table, quickly closing the door with a chair that only hindered them. Let us at least perform some useful function.

"Look, a. Does Harvey know about you and his baby? Are you in love with my angel after all?" Joker asked casually. Rachel, unlike Dent, had never interested him. An ordinary, boring person who reminded him too much of his mother. Her name was Rachel, wasn't it?

"Where are they?!" the man roared, grabbing the Joker again, but this time throwing him to the floor. At this, the criminal only laughed. How funny it is. Same to him, hero.

"Killing is also a choice," the Joker tries to deny, raising his hand and leaning one on the floor.

"Where are they?!"

"Choose," the man delivered the ultimatum, biting his lips lightly and licking them again, hoping that everything was fine with the makeup. Most likely, it is unlikely to wash off. "Your friend, the district attorney, or his beautiful fiancee. Or maybe you want to bring my angel back to you? You have nothing to threaten me with. All your power is useless, " he was acting psychologically on him. He encouraged me to make this choice in every possible way. On this difficult and disturbing choice. A choice that can affect a large number of people.

"Don't worry, I'll tell you where they are. Both. That's the whole point. You'll have to choose," Batman opened his mouth, looking into the eyes of the possessed man.

This is the point of no return. That moment was the tipping point. He will let the darkness into his heart. The hero who, without blinking once at eye contact with the abyss, looked at it directly, looked away for the first time.

[ariainstars]

Love and War: Politics and Spirituality in Star Wars

As I followed the Star Wars saga closely last year, I couldn’t help noticing that its central theme is not Good against Evil, but Love against War.

More precisely, it seems like a long parable about a mind at war: the galaxy far, far away keeps struggling with different powers which, until now, never were balanced by a common ideology. 

  The Jedi: We Have No Personal Agenda (…do we?)

As we get to know the Jedi in the prequels, we can’t be but disappointed. The supposed keepers of peace, guardians of the Force, seem a bunch of elderly, stuck-up guys who are wary of anything coming from the outside. Their meetings take place in a place which even looks like an ivory tower.

We witness the first conflict in the saga in The Phantom Menace, which absurdly is kicked off by two weird-looking guys who seem interested in nothing but their economic power.

The irony is that in their own way, the Jedi do not seem more open-minded than them; though not interested in wealth, they do only think of themselves - of the status their rank as Jedi gives them. They are so convinced of being the “good guys” that they will not lift a finger to end a raging conflict, and they don’t care what will become of a weirdly powerful nine-year-old boy who just lost his only living relative, his past and the only home he ever knew. 

It is Padmé, who is not a Jedi and has no power in the Force, who takes matters in their own hands, to the point where she falls on her knees before the Gungans asking them for their assistance..

I have repeatedly heard the Star Wars prequels being criticized due to the seeming lack of agenda of the protagonists. Which is right - they basically haven’t. The only agenda everybody seems to have is to keep things the way they are so that their personal, comfortable situation won’t change. 

But the truth is that they are not aware of the power pulling at them: there is someone who is the mastermind behind all that happens during Anakin’s youth, and we can assume that he was at work even before the boy stepped onto the stage. 

It is Senator Palpatine who convinces the Queen of Naboo to plead for a vote of no confidence against Chancellor Valorum, which in the end leaves Palpatine himself in charge. It is he, again, who makes JarJar convince the Senate to give him emergency powers due to the surge of the Separatists.

Palpatine is repeatedly shown as being Evil incarnate. Absolute power is his ultimate goal. For him, it is all or nothing. There is nothing human about him, ever, as good as he is as posing as a mellifluous politician who only has the best ends in mind.

And on top of it, Palpatine makes it appear as if he only has the purest motives, leaving the dirty work to others: Anakin marches into the Jedi temple killing everyone…

…Obi-Wan cripples Anakin mercilessly, which gives Palpatine the chance to strap him into the armor and mask that he will hence need in order to survive at all.

  The End of Everything We Loved

The name “Devil” means “separator”. Palpatine’s influence leads to separate all people who ought to belong together: friends…

 …husband and wife… 

…brothers and sisters. When they first meet, Luke and Leia don’t realize for a long time that they are, actually, siblings.

Vader doesn’t recognize his own daughter…

…nor his son: during the trench run we hear him say “The Force is strong with that one.”

  The Jedi’s failure

Enter Anakin, someone with huge personal agendas. Anakin has known slavery, the pain of separation from his mother, the helplessness having to watch her die, the fear of losing wife and unborn child in a similar way.

Does that make him an evil person? We see Anakin struggle against his fears and his violence for years. His deepest impulse is to use his enormous strength in order to protect others, but he isn’t allowed to. He can only be active if the Jedi order him to, which leads among other things to the absurd situation of having to save Palpatine, i.e. evil incarnate, risking his own and his master Obi-Wan’s life; while he was supposed to toughen it out when his own mother, a woman who probably never harmed anyone in her life, was tortured to death. 

Instinctively, Anakin’s heart always told him who needed his help. But this generosity and protectiveness never was appreciated by the Jedi, to whom “the Code” came first of all.

But what is the Jedi code, looking at it, if not a strategy to detach themselves from the world?

No families of their own.

No possessions.

No close attachments.

How is anyone supposed to still see if someone is in pain, when he was trained from early childhood on to live in a metaphorical ivory tower? 

Though not actually evil-minded (they assuredly do not want power or promote terror), the Jedi are in constant denial of the truth around them. They witness Palpatine’s ascent over and over and never realize that the most powerful Sith Lord of all is sitting a few meters away from them. 

Because to the Jedi, “what can’t be doesn’t exist”. Palpatine may be a Sith, but officially, belongs to the Jedi. Count Dooku even warns Obi-Wan; the Jedi proves his denial again with his words “Impossible. The Jedi would have sensed it.” 

So, not wanting it but also not knowing what they were doing, the Jedi enhance the conflict. And the Skywalker family, whose founder had been fathered by the Force itself, is torn and kept apart from both Jedi and Sith. 

Now we could argue: who would want to cooperate with the Sith, to have them as part of a balance, if they are evil and never do any good? 

Do they, and do the Jedi only do good and virtuous deeds? 

Obi-Wan told Luke an outright lie pretending that Vader had been Anakin’s killer; convinced that it could end only if the son killed the father.

The supposedly evil Lord Vader is the one who finally tells the truth: he proclaims to be Luke’s father, which also unveils his old master’s lie. Luke is traumatized because the truth is the opposite of what he believed. Until this very moment he was in denial, convinced that he was dealing with his father’s killer; Vader had literally to cut off his son’s hand in order to create a dramatic pause which finally allowed him to say what he wanted to: the truth.

To believe that a deed like patricide could be a positive thing only enhances the absurdity of the situation and the depth of the Jedi’s denial. As Luke confronts Obi-Wan with his manipulation, the Jedi still does not take responsibility, beyond his grave.

The Mistake: Making Things About Oneself

So, we have seen that Evil is not always wrong and Good not always right. They are strangely connected by one common, capital fault: making things about themselves.

But we repeatedly meet people who are mature enough not to make things about themselves: Padmé, Shmi, Senator Organa, (dare I say it? even JarJar), Owen and Beru.

Luke’s meeting with Vader on Bespine is pivotal because confronted with the words “You are not a Jedi yet” Luke draws his weapon first, proving Vader right. He hates the man in whom he still sees his father’s killer. It is this hatred which could have pushed him to the Dark Side. Though unknowingly and acting out of possessiveness, Vader pushed his son away from the Dark Side by saying the truth and thus crushing Luke’s hatred for him.

Much later, as he tries to save his friends, we see that Luke has learned his lesson: he tries to convince Jabba diplomatically and draws his weapon only at the last moment.

Terrified that Vader and Palpatine might be after his sister, Luke lashes out one last time. Only when he sees his father’s robotic hand he realizes the trap he was about to fall into.

Forgiveness and love bring Vader down. Compassion has won. Peace ensues, the family is united.

But many years later, we see Luke fail making things about himself again: he fears the danger his nephew could become for everything he loves.

His moment of panic pushes his nephew to the dark side. As a long-term consequence, the young man will be the murderer of the man who used to be Luke’s best friend.

Ben adopts another name and joins Snoke; war flares up and pushes itself between the members of the Skywalker family again.

Han and Leia meet after a period of separation, each bemoaning the loss of their son.

Luke, guilt-stricken, has retired to a lonely island, away from everybody.

Only shortly before his death, Luke tries to reconnect: with his sister, his brother-in-law (symbolically through the dice), the droids, his nephew. The Skywalker family is getting closer again, hinting at a future peace.

  Conclusions

The absurd situation of this generation is that at the opposite ends of the conflict are two persons who despite their outward differences couldn’t be more alike. Kylo and Rey both are lost children, desperately searching for belonging and purpose. In the brief moment of their alliance against Snoke we can see that working together, Dark and Light side are indeed invincible.

So, must the Light Side win again in order to ensure peace? 

The Dark Side is the human Id, which is all about oneself. Its advantage is that being straightforward, the Id can’t lie. Anakin / Vader always told the truth, as painful as it was.

The Id is aware of the fact that it needs its other half to be balanced. Hence, the “bad guys” always struggle to dominate, possess and at worst kill the “good guys”. We constantly see a powerful Dark Side user (Vader, Kylo) being at his strongest while he is chasing his Light Side counterpart (Luke, Rey). 

The Light Side is the Super-Ego, the conscience, which at its extreme might push a person to give up his life for someone else. The disadvantage is its tendency to deny that it needs its other half also; to believe to be solely in the right. The Jedi (including Luke, the last and the strongest of them) often overlook vital truths: none are so blind as those who will not see.

Both Luke and Rey needed their Dark Side counterparts to confront them with the truth (“I am your father”, “Your parents are dead… filthy junk traders who sold you for drinking money”). As much as it hurts them, both need to know these truths because their false pretensions held them back from being who they truly were. 

That is why “balance” is so vitally important and the only thing that can save the day and make lasting peace. Because no one can pretend that he lives solely for others (the Jedi), and no one can exist long living only by himself and for himself (the Sith). Only acknowledging one another’s positive sides and learning to cooperate, the Force users can make lasting peace in the galaxy possible. Only when a common ground is found at last, the galaxy can finally be free of the Old Republic’s stagnation, the Empire’s tyranny and the turmoil of the Rebellion. 

Peace, at last, to people of good will.

[hanamiyaaaa]

ONE PIECE HEADCANONS: Ideal S/O

Monkey D. Luffy

It's already very obvious that Luffy is basically chopper when it comes to sexual/romantic attraction (when not under usopp's influence). Oda stated that Luffy can identify beauty and while this is true, it's also made obvious that physical appearance isn't a major player (at all) for him when it comes to choosing who he wants to drag into his crew/life. That's why if he were to fall in love I'm sure he'd very much see past the cover.

Luffy would want someone adventurous; someone who he could share those thrilling moments with when he feels as if nothing is chaining him down. It would be great to have a wind beneath his wings of freedom, but he'd enjoy a partner who could find their own wind and glide with him. He'd want someone to laugh with, eat with, play with, basically share his life with. It's very important that his s/o would be open enough to let him in and is willing to be involved in his life too. He'd also prefer people who are on the positive end of the spectrum. I can see him being drawn to a cheerful girls and would grow fond of her smile and laugh. Above everything else, his s/o must know the right thing to do. Luffy wouldn't want a saint, if his s/o was too selfless he may even tell her that being selfish sometimes can be okay. Instead, he'd want someone who listens to her conscience and has a sense of sincerity. Patience isn't something that Luffy would actively look for an s/o but would be a good trait to have especially with that devil-may-care attitude of his. He's bound to bring all sorts of trouble to himself (and to the people around him by extension) and get all beaten up so his s/o would repeatedly have to patch him up and then prepare to repeat it all again. She can remind him to be careful, he'd try but will ultimately fail. He'd tolerate your nagging but don't expect him to be tied down.

Roronoa Zoro

Women with a more athletic build would catch Zoro's eyes. Size wouldn't matter as long as they have defined muscles. He'd find her toned curves and well-built shoulders very much attractive, and would be his favorite places to attack during sexy time. Having muscles on her body will give him the idea that she's strong and is capable of taking hard and heavy work which wouldn't be just hot but also really impressive. I think he would find girls with broad shoulders and a pair of long legs to be more attractive because of the way she projects a certain kind of masculinity but maintains a womanly image. Like a female warrior, she’s strong but delicate at the same time.

First and foremost, she must have dignity. She must maintain pride and honor through her actions, words and thoughts. This means she'd have to deliver what she promised, practices what she preached, and stay faithful to her subordinates and master. She doesn't have to play by the rules all the time, but she has to be someone who trusts her strength and abilities to defeat her adversary rather than a person who'd use deceit to win. A victory achieved through dishonesty wouldn't be a victory at all, and nothing would have been proved. Despite Zoro’s proven perceptiveness in battle, he’s socially dense so he’d prefer a woman who would straightforwardly tell him a problem and hurt his feelings than a girl who beat around the bush and hurt his head. Bonus if she knew the things that she wanted and knew how she'd get them. Decisive women would be very attractive to them because that meant they're self-reliant, self-assured and is prepared to face the consequences of their actions. That kind of bravery would impress Zoro, but not the reckless kind of bold. It's a shame for a swordsman to have scars on his back, but if she'd throw away her life for something meaningless just to prove that she can would just look foolish in his eyes even if she ended up surviving. Perseverance would also be an important trait that Zoro would look for a partner. She should have enough self-discipline and motivation to achieve her goals no matter how unimportant they may be, and no matter how difficult things become.

Trafalgar Law

I really feel like women with a light hair color, like platinum blonde or white, and/or a very fair skin would catch Law's attention as it would remind him of Flevance. She would remind him of his cold past, but at the same time remind him of the warmth of his home. Law would find girls with smaller bone structure more attractive. She'd have a thin and willowy build with modest endowments and slender arms and legs. Like a ballerina, she'll be peppered with delicate features that would make up a feminine and gentle image. Law would find tranquility in her simplicity, and would be a sight for his sore and tired eyes.

It's important to know the difference between know-it-all and an intelligent person because the former would only annoy Law while the latter would impress him. A woman who could quickly process a complicated thought and find a way to apply it to her current situation is the kind of intelligence that he's looking for. She should display a sense of caution, a good judgement and the ability to protect herself because Law wouldn't be able to look after her all the time, and he especially wouldn't want to be with a helpless damsel. Maturity would be the next good thing to have because loving Law isn't an easy task. After everything that happened to him, opening his heart once more to love isn't going to be easy. It would be a painfully slow process with a lot hesitation. Things are bound to be frustrating because there would be a time where he'd start opening up but then suddenly takes a step back and begin creating distance, that's why she needs to pack a lot of patience and understanding if she wanted to be a part of his life. Grace is a quality that he may find attractive. A girl who acts in a refined way, and moves with precision and poise would be satisfying and spectacular to watch... just like a ballerina. Also, I feel he'd like soft-spoken girls, Even if she's talkative, he'd enjoy listening to her voice but then he would prefer to hang around someone who can respect and find comfort in silence with him.

Eustass Kid

Kid is a man. A carnivore, above all. Naturally, he'd want meat in the things he eats. He'd be attracted to women on the heavier side. Large busts, wide hips and thick thighs with a proportionally narrow waist would steal his eyes from whatever he's looking. A little muscle would be great too, especially if the ones on her legs are tone and well-built. It would earn her a grin or a smirk from Kid if he saw her flex her legs as she prepares for a kick and then the muscles on her thighs become defined. I also see him favoring fuller and plump lips, liking the way they feel during a kiss and finding beauty in their shape and how they look and feel when it's around certain... things. He'd also find tattoos and body modifications like tongue or naval piercings pretty hot.

They said opposite attracts, but Kid would beg to differ. A girl who can bark as loud and bite as hard as he does would be immensely annoying but at the same time really impressive. She should be able to show him that she's strong, that she can handle herself and the things that come at her. It doesn't matter if she gets bruised and battered as long as comes out alive and victorious, it all makes a good difference. Kid would like to have a woman who he could compete with because a girl who gives up to everything that he says wouldn't be so fun. She should have enough balls to challenge him and stand up with the things she believes in. Restraint wouldn't be matter to Kid, in fact he'd like a girl who could go crazy with him but should be aware and ready to face the consequences that would come with rampaging. He'd also be more comfortable with someone who's a bit crude and emotionally/mentally-strong as compared to goodie-good girls. He's not the most refined person either and he'd definitely never deal with nitpicky people. That'd be so annoying. Honesty would be very important for Kid, and it's something that he'd constantly want her to give him. Don't lie to him, don't hide anything from him because he's perceptive and, I believe, naturally intuitive to know that there's something weird going on in his ship behind his back.

Killer

I feel like Killer would be attracted to hips; a woman who sports hips wider than the rest of her body. Imagine her figure, a bit narrow at the top then it gracefully pours down into a lovely shape that resembles the number 8. The way her hips flick from side to side as she walks would definitely catch eyes, especially Killer's! A little lean muscle is fine here and there, but a girl with too much may be a deal-breaker. She could be strong, but he'd like his women leaning more on the softer side.

Killer would prefer brains over beauty, preferably a rational thinker. She doesn't have to be a genius, but it would matter a lot if she could fight with her wits just as much as she could fight with her fits. Her artful ways of escaping enemies that she deems too strong to fight, and the way she sees beyond the situation and find solutions through unconventional methods would truly change the way he looks at her in a really good way. Killer isn't too different from his captain, or from anyone in their crew. He's just as violent as they are, but being the most reasonable member of the Kid Pirates oftentimes prevents him from going all out in battle. A woman who could lift that responsibility off his shoulder and help him lash out more would really please him. To do this, she'd have to be willing to sacrifice her own fun, otherwise she'd be added to the list of fully functional adults that Killer has to babysit... which isn't helpful at all. A person who's more comfortable in the sidelines and is more interested in supporting the crew would be best for him. A girl with a more passive disposition with an open mind would appeal more to Killer. She doesn't have to be physically strong as he can protect her, but the Kid Pirates has made a lot of enemies along their way so she should be able to keep herself alive at least.