#because that was fucking stupid and extremely unrealistic!

[mgparker]

all too well

[tasm!peter parker x reader]

| word count: 4.5k

summary: staying away from you was easier for peter when you hated him.

warnings: angst, violence, cursing, weapons, injuries, unrealistic events but it's fanfic so idgaf, peter being a literal stalker, peter being extremely stupid, very sad feels, f!reader, implied that reader has medium-long hair, unedited!

notes: i wrote the first half of this like almost three years ago tbh and decided to finish it all in one go tonight. so it's a little bit of a mess. oh well. this was also supposed to be like 10k+ words, which is why there's more world/storybuilding than usual. oops.

You still remembered the moment Peter broke your heart as if it were yesterday.

It was the only time in your relationship that he’d ever made you feel the way you did that day, worthless and manipulated.

“I don’t love you anymore.” Peter had said. “I don’t think I ever did.”

A straight up fucking lie. At least the part about not loving you at all. You knew that was a lie— it had to be a lie. Otherwise, Peter fucking Parker was an amazing actor.

But that was two months ago, the healing process difficult and still ongoing. It was hard to move on from a relationship that had been built on nearly half a decade of friendship. Peter was one of your closest friends in middle and high school until he decided he suddenly didn’t want to talk to you anymore.

“Have you talked to Peter lately?”

The question immediately threw you off, ripping your attention away from your homework like a bandaid. “What? Why would I do that?”

Your friends Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy sat in front of you, books of their own laid in front of their spots.

“I don’t know,” MJ shrugged, sharing a glance with Gwen. “I heard him talking about you the other day in Bio.”

“Talking about me?” You rose your eyebrows. “I thought he was still pretending I didn’t exist.”

“He is,” Gwen said assertively, giving MJ a side eye.

You nodded as if the news pleased you, and in an odd way, it did. It made it easier for you to just hate him. “Good.”

Gwen gave you a sympathetic look, one you didn’t catch because you’d already ducked your head into your book. Truth is, Gwen Stacy knew you like the back of her hand. Having known you since kindergarten, your friendship was stronger than most. Rivaled only by the friendship that you used to have with Peter. Keywords: used to.

“So you’re still going to the open mic fundraiser tonight, right?” MJ changed the subject. Her tone was enthusiastic, bursting with excitement.

Right. The open mic fundraiser being hosted by the Midtown’s theatre department. It was at a small coffee shop a few blocks from the school, one you’d visited a few times when you desperately needed caffeine to wake you up before a long day of classes.

“Yeah,” you sighed, tapping your pencil against your temple lightly. You kept your gaze on your book, knowing that MJ’s face was likely decorated with a smile. “I’ll go, MJ.”

“Thank you! Thank you!” She squealed, clapping her hands together and looking at Gwen expectantly.

“Oh— I can’t. I have decathlon practice.”

“Boo-hoo,” MJ pouted before gathering her things and skipping away from the table. “I’ll see you tonight!”

You gave her a wave, even as she was halfway across the library at that point. Mary Jane was an impressively speedy person.

You looked back at Gwen. “What’s her deal?”

“It’s hard for her to be in the middle I guess,” Gwen shrugged.

You didn’t mind that MJ was still friends with Peter. In fact, you hoped your messy breakup wouldn’t destroy your friend group but Gwen had adamantly stayed by your side, going as far as to stop talking to Peter.

You didn’t like it, feeling bad that Peter lost one of his best friends because of you but it wasn’t like you broke up with him. It was the other way around and he had made you feel really shitty in the process.

Being the loyal friend she was, Gwen chose you without a second thought.

“I want nothing to do with him,” you sighed. “I just want her to understand that.”

“I’m sure she will… eventually.”

“It’s been two months, Gwen.”

Gwen gave you another sympathetic look. “I know.”

Determined to finish the last of your assignment, you looked back down at your book. Your mind quickly strayed from schoolwork, inevitably thinking about the events of your breakup.

“Peter,” you were pleasantly surprised as you greeted him at your front door. “I didn’t know you were coming over today. I thought you had a—”

“—the photography meeting. Yeah it got cancelled.”

“Oh,” you frowned, his tone throwing you off immediately. The visit was unexpected but being around Peter was like a drug. You couldn’t get enough of him so you welcomed him in without a second thought. Except he stayed planted at your front doorstep, hands shoved in his pockets and a heavy look on his face.

You hated that look— it made your heart sink immediately. “What’s wrong?”

“Can we talk?” He asked, his eyes difficult to read. Something you’d never struggled with before.

“Of course.” You stepped outside, shutting the door behind you softly and following Peter to your outdoor loveseat.

“Uh— I don’t know how to say this,” Peter started, avoiding your gaze completely. His hands were shaking slightly and his posture was tense.

Your anxiety kept you rooted to the spot, concerned over his strange behavior. You were usually so open with each other so this was weird to say the least.

You kept silent, giving him the time he needed to formulate the words. His longer hair fell over his eyes, his head hanging in what looked like shame. “I can’t do this anymore.”

The words were mumbled, but you caught it.

“Um, okay… do what?” You asked hesitantly.

There wasn’t a lot of meanings behind that statement. You knew that well, but the notion seemed impossible. You and Peter worked so well together, heck you wouldn’t be surprised if your hearts danced to the same rhythm. You were so in tune with each other, the possibility that something wasn’t working out just seemed… unthinkable.

“I can’t be with you, Y/N.”

Heartbreak hit you like a fucking train. “What do you mean?” You cleared your throat.

“I’m breaking up with you,” Peter confirmed, refusing to meet your eye. His stony expression was cold, a look he had never directed toward you.

It took a minute but you finally found the words to respond. “I—I thought we were okay?”

Peter’s hard exterior almost broke apart just from seeing your expression. “We aren’t.”

“Why?” You shot back.

Peter shook his head at you incredulously. “We haven’t spoken in weeks. I thought that would’ve given you a hint.”

It indeed had been two weeks since you and Peter had had a solid conversation, at least outside of school discussions and occasional texts. You were just in denial about the whole thing, acting like everything was okay in front of your friends when clearly it was not. You thought if you ignored the distance, adamantly lied about its existence, that you would end up believing it.

“I’m just confused,” you put your head in your hands, rubbing your eyes as if the action would give you some clarity. “Did I do something?”

As far as you could remember, you had done absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing to piss him off. Nothing to irritate him. What changed?

“We need to stay away from each other,” he ignored your question.

“Peter,” you snapped. “Can you please just tell me what’s going on? Because last time, I checked we were in a communicative, loving relationship—”

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

Rain had started falling gently, a calm background noise to the chaos that was unfolding.

“I don’t love you anymore,” Peter said emotionlessly. “I don’t think I ever did.”

Shocked, you repeated his words over and over again in your brain so that they could make a sliver of sense. But they didn’t. This was incredibly out of character for your best friend— was he playing a joke on you? A sick, cruel joke but a joke nonetheless?

In the time it took you to process his words, Peter had gotten up, fully intending on leaving you on your own doorstep but you finally jumped into action.

“No,” you fumed. “Peter Parker, you can’t say that and just walk away. What the fuck is your problem?”

“Right now, my problem is you,” Peter spun around, tone equally aggressive. “The fact that you can’t just accept I don’t want you anymore. The fact that you’re making this harder than it has to be and the fact that you won’t just let me leave. It’s ridiculous.”

You hated how pathetic he was making you feel right now. But Peter was, above all else, your closest friend. There wasn’t anyone that completed your soul quite like he did. “So this just comes out of the blue? You realize that you never loved me and you suddenly want to destroy a friendship we’ve had for six years?”

“Sounds right,” Peter agreed.

Enraged, your jaw dropped. “Then I’m—I’m not stopping you.” Your anger blinded you to reason.

Peter stood under the pouring rain, water soaking his clothes as he stared back at you. It was tense, the air reeked of betrayal and fury. Agony was the only word you could find to describe the hole this was ripping in your heart.

It didn’t make any fucking sense. I mean— you’d talked to Aunt May a few days ago, funnily enough considering your own boyfriend was ignoring you and also happened to be conveniently out whenever you passed by the Parker residence. But May seemed fine, giving you her usual bright smile and enthusiastically asking about school and your family. Nothing to alert you that Peter was going through any trouble.

And you’d tried to get a direct answer from him for the past fourteen days, sending him texts whenever you failed at getting anything substantial from your conversations in class. But your calls were sent to voicemail and your texts left delivered.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You could only flare your nostrils in fury, tightening your grip on the doorknob behind you as you stared at Peter’s retreating figure.

A slight movement from Gwen snapped you out of the memory, a distraction you welcomed gladly.

The room was getting a bit too stuffy, despite the vast space between each table. “I’m gonna go,” you swiftly packed up your things, ignoring Gwen’s look of concern. “Your dad is still picking you up right?”

“Yeah…” Gwen said. “Are you okay?"

"Fine," you said stiffly, checking the time on your phone. You had just enough time to catch the train home, get ready, and then get back here in time for the fundraiser. You almost sighed at the thought. You didn't want to go-- not in the slightest.

The streets were as busy as usual, but you made your way to the station on time. You stood with your back pressed against the wall as you always did, your eyes scanning the crowd subtly. The entire time you stood on the train you felt the heavy weight of someone’s gaze, but kept your eyes planted forward. It was the New Yorker in you.

You hastily made your way home and made your way upstairs, ignoring the bitter silence throughout the brownstone. Your father had left a while ago, something about a business trip. It wasn’t unusual for you to be left alone, the last few months had proven to be full of unexpected changes. What had once been a semi-lively home, was now empty save for the occasional visit from someone your father hired to tidy up the house once a week. 

After a long debate in front of the mirror, you opted for a tank top and jeans with a leather jacket thrown on top. You figured you should put your best foot forward for MJ’s event. You couldn’t mope forever. 

The trip back to Midtown was fine, uneventful, and you made it just in time. What you had expected would be an evening full of disassociating ended up leaving you feeling lighter than you had in months. Thankfully, MJ had dropped the Peter subject completely and instead focused on getting everyone to hit the stage. 

Hence your stellar duet rendition of ‘Start of Something New’ which brought the fucking house down in your honest opinion (there was more giggling than singing).

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming!” MJ squealed as you finally made your exit, squeezing you in her surprisingly strong grip. You smiled into the hug, glad that you came.

Finally.

Finally, you’d had one night that hadn’t been tainted by the hole your ex-boyfriend had left in your chest.

MJ gave you one more serious look, grasping your arms. “Are you sure you’ll be fine getting back—?”

“Yes,” you repeated with a teasing eye roll. “I’ll be fine. Dad sent a car.”

You’d gotten good at lying over these past few months too.

MJ accepted it with a smile and bounded off toward the stage again where the rest of the attendees were chatting and laughing. You lingered for a moment, eyeing the community between them. 

With a sigh, you spun around and left the coffee shop, the air instantly clouding around your breaths. It was cold and oddly quiet, the streets more empty than usual. 

Especially with the absence of the car you’d claimed would be waiting for you. 

You shook your head as you began your walk back home. The train made it faster to get there, but you weren’t keen on lingering in subway stations alone at night.

Besides, the walk gave you time to silently seethe over the lie you’d just told MJ. Your dad couldn’t give less shits about you. Apparently, his business trips were much more important. 

The topic of irresponsible workaholics made your thoughts stray to your friend Harry Osborn for a moment. You should text him, invite him over to bond over their shitty parents who think throwing money in their children’s faces made up for their poor parenting.

The route home was so familiar that you were walking on auto-pilot, your mind more distracted than usual.

A bright sign caught your eye.

Joe’s Pizza.

You scowled at the reminder of Peter, almost seeing the ghost of him standing just outside his favorite spot all smiles and laughter.

In a foolish effort to keep him as far away from your mind as possible, you pivoted down the nearest road to avoid passing by. He clearly wasn’t there (only a few tourists stood by waiting for their orders), but your annoying heart still clenched at the slightest reminder of him.

The road was darker and seemingly colder, but you hustled on, dragging your jacket closer to your body. Your gaze was sharper now and you scanned every dark corner and shadow. 

Suddenly, a movement made your feet hesitate. Instinctively, you nearly stopped in the middle of the road, but instead you continued at a slower pace, trying to figure out what you’d seen. 

You couldn’t see anyone and whatever shadow you’d seen had disappeared, but your heart still raced slightly. Suddenly, you were regretting this detour.

Your path strayed closer to the middle of the road to avoid feeling cornered and you quickened your pace, seeing the corner you intended to turn, your chest beginning to feel lighter from the familiarity of the intersection—

“Move and I’ll blow your fucking brains out.”

Your heart froze as cold metal pressed against the crown of your head, tangling in your locks. Your feet skidded to a stop.

A million thoughts ran through your brain, but fear paralyzed you, your lungs frozen in mid-inhale. Your gut had been screaming at you, trying to fight its way over the reckless noise in your head—

“Good, that’s good. Now turn around,” the deep voice demanded and your panicked body hesitated to move. The gun dug deeper into your scalp. “Slowly.”

It felt like you were out of your own body, doing as he asked and turning to see a face obscured by a shitty ski mask. Was he planning on robbing you? You catalogued the items on you quickly, trying to remember if you were carrying enough cash to placate the guy.

Before you could make your plea, a calloused hand came up to your chin and grasped it roughly. A shocked gasp escaped your lips and you tried to hide your terror as the man dug his fingers in your skin. He tilted your face back and forth as if inspecting it.

Your mind was spiraling to the worst case scenario and you were trying to figure out whether you should speak— or if you even could. You always froze in a panic.

An amused chuckle slipped through the guy’s nose and he squeezed your chin mercilessly. Tears sprung to your eyes.

“Really easy to catch you, girl. You’d think our little superhero would be watching over his precious plaything better.”

You realized with a sickening lurch that this had nothing to do with a random robbery and all to do with your best friend— well, ex—

“You’re gonna tell me who’s behind the mask,” he traced the gun from the back of your head all the way to your left temple and dug it into the skin enough that you winced. “And then you’re gonna come with me, nice and easy.”

Your resolve suddenly steeled.

Because as much as you thought you now hated Peter Parker, he would always be the love of your life. Your best friend.

You’d rather die than reveal his secret.

“So tell me, who’s behind the mask, girl?” The man snarled. His nails bit into your skin.

Finally, you found enough courage to speak. It felt loud in this deserted alleyway. “You found me yet you don’t know who’s behind the mask—“

Your slightly mocking tone earned you an unforgiving whack across the temple, courtesy of the hard-as-fuck gun in his hand. Your vision blurred for a moment and you would’ve stumbled if his grip hadn’t tightened on your chin.

Despite your stupid bait, you did find yourself pondering your own words carefully. If they found you (whoever they were), they’d have to been tracking you for some time. How had they made the connection between you and Spider-Man without making the connection between you and Peter Parker?

Well, you and Peter hadn’t been spotted together in months so—

“Got a fucking smart mouth, huh?” He snarled. “You’re gonna tell me who Spider-Man is. Either way, you’re coming with me and he’ll reveal himself soon enough. The boss is eager to meet him.”

The boss?

“You’re wasting your time. He’s not gonna come,” you said between gritted teeth, anger and fear mixing in the pit of your stomach as the gravity of the situation gripped you. 

He’s not gonna come. Peter Parker left you behind long ago. You’re going to die.

“Last chance, tell me.” His threat came with a menacing grip around your throat and you almost fought back before remembering the very serious threat of a bullet in your head.

His tactic was obviously meant to scare you into submission and you tried to relax in his hold with this in mind, but his fingers kept tightening and your airways were closing and —

Your hands instinctively came up to claw at his, throat burning and your vision blurring—

A quick movement caught your eye and you barely registered the gun flying away at least 50 feet in the air before the man’s other hand was gripped by a glob of web you barely saw as your eyes rolled back before his grip was ripped away forcefully and his body went flying away from you.

The loss of his grip sent you crashing down, weakened by the lack of oxygen and damn near completely unconscious. Black dots clouded your vision and just before your head could hit the cold cement, gentle but frantic hands enveloped you firmly. 

Your name was uttered frantically, the hands clutching you into a warm solid chest and you slowly tried to blink the dots out of your vision. Disoriented and barely hanging on to consciousness, you tried to resurface.

“—Y/N? Baby, baby, look at me. Let me see those pretty eyes, come on—“

The voice sent a chill down your spine and your vision was clearing up slightly, your mouth moving before your mind could catch up. 

“Peter?” You whispered doubtfully, head throbbing from the ruthless hit that guy had landed on you. 

The vivid red and blue colors of his suit were dancing in your vision and your dazed eyes focused on his face as one of his hands came up to rip the mask off his head.

The sight flooded your chest with relief, heartbreak, and joy all at once. You felt the familiar euphoria you always did whenever you locked eyes with him.

All that love— everything you thought you’d banished away— turns out it was only tucked deep down and it resurfaced in a violent tidal wave of emotion. 

But for now, in your disoriented and likely concussed state, all you could manage was a slight upturn on your lips. 

A shaky chuckle left his lips, cradling you in his arms as his knees dug into the pavement below. “Hey, baby…” one of his hands came up to cradle your face, his watery eyes scanning your body with such desperation that it concerned you.

All at once, the present slammed into you and the confusion hit.

“W-what? How? Where—?” The questions spilled out of you, barely strung together or making sense.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—“ Peter was saying, running his thumbs lightly over your chin where it still stung and up to your throbbing temple that felt strangely wet. His touch was everywhere all at once and not helping with the aching confusion.

“The guy— he was— they’re after you—“ 

You tried to sit up to look for him— suddenly terrified that he would be pointing the gun at Peter or you— despite the lack of strength and Peter’s firm grip keeping you locked in place. 

“Hey, I took care of him. He’s down. He’s down, I promise,” Peter was reassuring quietly as he soothed your hair back, words tumbling from his lips in a nervous ramble. His hands were shaking and his face was wet, hair in complete disarray.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry—“ his hands suddenly gripped you a little tighter when your eyes slipped shut for a moment too long. You felt exhausted, the adrenaline seeping out of you and leaving you in the aftermath of a strangled throat and a painful concussion. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to stay safe. Staying away meant you’d be safe.”

His words were barely audible, a devastating mumble of self-loathing and blame, tumbling out one after the other. 

“What are you talking about?” You forced out, your voice raw and barely above a whisper.

Peter’s eyes suddenly locked with yours, filled with agony as if seeing you in pain caused him pain too. Before you could make sense of it all, Peter sprung to his feet and cradled you in one arm before a rush of air forced your eyes shut. You barely felt the journey home, floating between a state of consciousness and unconsciousness until those arms rested you on the familiar surface of your bed and your eyes slowly opened to find Peter hovering above you.

His hands cradled the back of your neck, leaning in to rest his forehead against yours, breathing in shakily as his eyes slipped shut and a single tear made a path down his cheek.

Despite the amount of shitty you currently felt, the overwhelming need to make sure he was always okay took over. Your hand went up to wipe his tear away, coaxing his eyes open as you traced his jaw softly. 

“Hey, I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re both okay, Peter,” you whispered. 

“I need to take you to a hospital,” he said as his eyes traced the bump on your temple and the traces of blood that remained. It was physically painful for him to gaze upon your bruised throat, littered in hues of purple and pink. 

It was all his fault and the guilt stabbed him in the stomach repeatedly. He should’ve been the one with those bruises. His blood should’ve been spilled, not yours. Never yours.

“I’m okay,” you insisted weakly, tracing your eyes all over his worried face. All that “hatred” you’d felt before you had melted away into nothingness. Because nothing felt as right or complete as it did when you were with him.

“No, I’m taking you to the hospital now,” he said insistently, slipping out of the suit and reaching into your drawer to take his own clothes out and change. If you weren’t so rattled from the night’s events, you would’ve blushed at the fact that he somehow knew his clothes were still untouched from the months you’d spent apart.

You couldn’t find it in yourself to argue against it anymore, and after a brief hospital visit and some scans later, you’d felt lucid enough to have a conversation with your ex. 

And after he’d explained the threats Spider-Man had been receiving months ago, he also explained his desperate attempt to keep you safe by ensuring he no longer had any part in your life.

He’d lied. He’d said horrible things to get you to let go of him. Things that pained him so badly he barely felt like a person in the months after he’d broken up with you.

To know you’d both been in misery… to know that his words, his cruel cruel words, were lies fabricated to keep you safe…

It infuriated you and weakened you all at once. And because you understood his love and deeply loved him just as much, you found it in yourself to forgive him.

Only after some groveling on his part. And heavy scolding on yours.

“If you ever try to gaslight me again, evil villains threatening us or not, I swear I’ll break up with you for real, Parker,” you threatened very seriously one lazy afternoon, your thighs slung on either side of his hips. 

His bright brown eyes stared up at you as if he held his entire world within his arms. “You got it, ma’am,” he breathed, leaning up to capture your lips with his.

Your hands gripped his shoulders and traveled to the back of his neck, tangling with his chestnut curls. He kissed you like you were the air he needed in his lungs, as if you’d disappear from his grasp if he ever let you go.

Your teeth captured his bottom lip lightly as you pulled away, his eyes darker as they slowly opened to look into yours. And he gave you one small moment before flipping you over so that your back hit the couch and he hovered over you suddenly. The movement so quick that you couldn’t stop the giggle from escaping your lips, muffled by his own smiling mouth as he came down to meet you over and over again.

[judenostopwaitkeepgoing]

A Class Analysis of the Crown Villains

Analyzing all of the EN-released Villains from who would be the most to least wealthy in 1890s Victorian England.

A/N: This is just for fun! These characters/stories are not that deep, and I don’t want them to be! I just find it fun and silly to think through what this world would actually look like in history, and maybe you do too! 😊 Spoilers for pretty much every villain on the EN server, so read at your own risk! Also I am not a historian or economist, just a gal with a computer, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Also, I’m assuming that Ikémen Villains takes place sometime in the 1890s in London, England—the tail end of Queen Victoria’s rule. This estimated time frame is based mostly on Harry’s love of Arthur Conan Doyle and passing mentions of when “he has a new novel coming out.” Doyle was a prolific writer and wrote for a long time, but I wanted to keep the time period specific enough to really think through what the economics would be like.

Wealthiest - Jude Jazza

Originally I was going to put the villains who belong to the gentry (Elbert and William and ... Victor??? Maybe?? haha) at the top of the list, but the more I thought it through, the more it became clear that in order for Jude to realistically carry out some of the actions in his route (which I haven’t finished!) or various story events/collection events, he would need to be so fucking rich. Like stupid wealthy. Like not quite at Jeff Bezos level of wealth, but pretty up there.

And baby started from the bottom now he’s here, okay! The fact that Jude grew up in abject poverty then became a successful CEO of a trading company originally struck me as one of the more unrealistic things in the game (which I do not care about, he’s still daddy), but the more I looked into it, the more I got on board with it. The writers were smart to add a rich benefactor to his backstory, because in 1890s London, that was probably the only way for a poor kid from the slums to receive an education. Wealth disparity was bad in the 1890s, and people were mad about it! Jude’s hatred of the rich and powerful is in keeping with working class (and even some middle class) attitudes at the time. And with the rapid development and expansion of the Port of London (from the completion of the Royal Victoria Dock in 1855 to the Port of Tilbury in 1886), trading was the business to be in at the time. So it’s not impossible that Jude could have just lucked out in a few key ways and worked extremely hard to get to where he is (although he would still probably be considered a unicorn in this time period).

As for Raven Co.’s annual profit: who knows. I’m guessing it’s in the billions in today’s money. I’m unsure what Jude’s salary would be, he is explicitly characterized in his route as a fair boss who pays his workers a living wage, but he’s also like randomly really generous with like Ellis or Kate (i.e. giving Ellis a blank check for Xmas, giving Kate more than enough money to get a dress, etc.) so he’s probably taking home plenty. And considering how smart Jude is, he’s probably pretty savvy about saving and investing his money. He also makes a lot of deals and has a lot of involvement overseas, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he has bank accounts in several countries. The man is committed to building his rocket, okay! I’d say his annual income is in the hundred millions of dollars (in today’s money). But his net worth is probably in the billions.

Lord Elbert Greetia

Okay, now on to our first landed-gentry boy: Lord Elbert. Lord Elbert is most likely the wealthiest member of Crown in terms of generational wealth, with William coming in a close second.

Elbert is a member of the landed gentry or “peerage” and uses the title of “Lord,” which he inherited from his father. Being in this class means that he not only has significant wealth (in literal pounds and assets), but it also means that he has a rock-solid social standing and owns land. Land ownership is a big deal here because it means that Lord Elbert has the power to control anyone who might be living/working on property that he owns. And I’m not just talking servants/staff at his estate, I’m talking residents of any townships or villages on the likely acres and acres of land that he's in control of. So he has a passive income via taxing residents and laborers on his land(s)... forever! Being in this class also makes his wealth a lot more stable and immutable than say, Jude, who is a great businessman but whose income and assets are at the mercy of the market/demand.

Elbert’s character in the game is very stoic (until Kate shows up!), and he has deep trauma from his childhood home, so he doesn’t seem to exercise a ton of the privileges that would be available to him in terms of controlling the people who live on his properties. But, if we’re talking the 1890s here, he would probably have entire villages or even small towns under his economic purview. I think of him as a Mr. Darcy type, probably bringing in about £10,000 a year, or a little over £1.5 million/$2 million in today’s money. This combined with the cost of all of his assets or “beautiful things” that he compulsively collects (artwork, fine furniture, jewels, real estate, etc.) means I’d estimate his net worth to be about $70-100 million in today’s money.

Lord William Rex

I’m only putting William after Elbert because I do think Elbert has more non-cash assets, simply from the nature of his curse which causes him to be greedy. But let’s be clear: Lord William is also loaded. He, like Elbert, is a member of the peerage of the time and owns lots of land/real estate. He probably receives a pretty substantial passive income from all of his properties like Elbert.

I do think there’s one key difference between them: I have a feeling that William would either redistribute some of the income that he gets from any taxed residents/workers on his properties or lower their taxes—he just seems like the type to be about that. So that’s another reason why I think Elbert might have a higher net worth. Still, we find out that William paid for the construction of a hospital in his route, and for a man to do that in the 1890s, he’d have to be pretty freaking rich. I’d say that his net worth is probably somewhere between $50-100 million in today’s money.

Victor???

Big question mark around Victor! I’m putting him here just because he is so connected to the Queen, and unless we learn something different from his route, I’m pretty sure that means he’s at least upper class, if not a (former) member of the gentry/peerage. Or perhaps comes from a wealthier family. He also receives a salary and lodging from the Queen (as do all the members of Crown I think) so he’s certainly getting all of his needs met. He’s also the oldest member of Crown, which just makes me assume he’s had more time to accrue savings. But couldn’t tell you what his net worth is even if you held a gun to my head, this is all just vibes haha.

Liam Evans

Liam grew up comfortably upper class, basically wealthy despite not being a member of the landed gentry. His father owns an estate, or at least did when Liam was a child, and had staff and servants. Because of his mental illness and disfigurement, Liam’s father probably relied entirely on family money after a certain point.

As an adult, and considering he is a successful and popular leading actor at a major theater in London at the time, Liam is doing well for himself! He is now much better off than his father! Good riddance! Actors at the major theaters at the time were typically paid anywhere between 2-25 pounds per week, and Liam was likely on the upper end of that spectrum. Let’s say he takes home 20 pounds a week, which in today’s money would be about 3,200 pounds, or about 4,000 dollars. That’s 208,000 dollars a year before tax! Not bad at all! But, it’s worth noting, that at the time actors were definitely not seen as contributing members to society (especially women/actresses—they were essentially thrown into the same category as sex workers), so Liam’s social standing in the grand scheme of things is definitely lower as an actor than it was probably growing up in an upper-middle class house.

Ellis Twilight + Alfons Sylvatica

I’m throwing these two in here together because they are probably doing well for themselves, but only because they are attached to a super-rich person haha. Who knows what their salaries/wages are or what kind of deal they have with their respective sugar daddies (hehe) but suffice to say they don’t have to worry about money. Alfons is probably more irresponsible with his money, only because of his lifestyle, but even so he’s nowhere near as big of a spender as Elbert so it probably all ends up a wash. And I’m assuming that Jude pays Ellis pretty well because he loves him lol.

Harrison Gray

Okay, this one took some digging! Harry’s dad was a police officer, which in today’s world would mean that his family was pretty well-off and Harry had a comfortable upbringing. Not a member of the upper classes/gentry, but probably solidly middle class. This is also implied in the game, or at least Harry isn’t one of the characters that we know grew up poor.

But, it turns out, police officers weren’t paid super well in mid/late 1800s London! Harry’s dad would probably be on the better-paid side of the spectrum because he was a chief/high-ranking, but the police were a relatively new-ish phenomenon and weren’t considered “high-value” professionals. Harry’s dad likely only took home about 10 guineas a week, which in today’s money is about £1,400 or $1,700, so he was making about $88,000 a year in today’s money (before taxes). Which would be relatively comfortable for a single person today, but for a family in the 1800s would be pretty much living paycheck to paycheck with maybe a couple splurge purchases a year (like for Christmas or birthdays). So Harry’s family wasn’t anywhere near as poor as Jude or Alfons were growing up, but they likely lived quite modestly!

As an adult, Harry probably makes a healthy salary as an editor/proofreader. Publishing was booming in the 1890s, and writers were most often serialized in weekly publications, which meant a steady income for both writers and publishers. I’d say Harry is probably taking home a couple hundred pounds at the least per week, so something in the thousands of dollars in today’s terms. It’s unclear to me what the rules of living in Crown castle are. Like do they pay rent? I don’t think so? Let’s say they don’t, which means Harry gets to save/keep all his wages and only spends on personal stuff. He doesn’t seem like the biggest spender, if anything he reads as very sensible with money to me, haha. So he’s likely got a cozy little net worth building up but nothing crazy. Since wealth stratification is so extreme in this time period (the rich were very rich and the poor were very poor), Harry would probably be making enough to still be looked down on by the upper classes and enough to still be the object of contempt for the lower classes.

Poorest ? - Roger Barel

Doctors today are very well paid, but this was not the case in the late 1800s! Growing up, Roger’s dad probably had an annual salary of about 300-500 pounds a year, or roughly $45k-$80k in today’s money. Not a lot to live on for a whole family now, but this probably went further in the 1870s/80s when Roger was growing up. It’s implied that his family lived relatively comfortably, so I’m guessing that his dad had a good reputation and was sought after for his surgical expertise. He may have even gotten paid to teach in surgery ‘theatres’ of the time. (I haven’t read or looked much into Roger’s route so this might be wrong!)

I’m only ranking him last because he seems to not be formally employed haha. Since Roger is not a publicly practicing surgeon, he is relying on his income (?) and lodging from Crown for his day-to-day expenses. This could be any amount it seems, haha, depending on what he asks Victor/the Queen for. He doesn’t seem like a crazy spender, so he’s probably not complaining. I have no idea what his salary would be, though. It doesn’t seem like Crown bothers with all that, haha.

[revolutionsingingintherainnn]

yknow, for all those people who use “3x wdc winner vs 3x race winner” as an insult, i don’t think you realise that that’s not exactly an insult.

yes, it’s true that max is a 3x wdc winner, that’s why he’s one of the best. that’s why he’s one of the most respected drivers. he’s got the talent, and he’s got the fast car.

and yes, it’s also true that lando is a 3x race winner, that’s because he just got a fast car. he’s learning. he’s adapting. he’s made mistakes, on and off track, but he’s learning. and the fact that in his first year of getting a fast car, he’s p2 in a wdc is amazing.

max has had a fast car for a long time. he has adapted to that as well. he knows his weaknesses and strengths, and he learns from it and uses it to his advantage. he’s had that time to learn to be in a fast car and win races. i’m not discrediting him. i’m saying that, as every other human on earth, he learned from his mistakes and he’s doing extremely well.

lando got a fast car this year. not even the whole season, in fact. he hasn’t had time to adapt to having a fast car after driving a mid field car for five and a half years. he’s still in that process of adapting. he’s making mistakes, but he will learn from them. he said he needed to work on his qualifying last year, and this year, he’s got 7 poles in total. he’s amongst the few mclaren drivers who have gotten more than 5 poles in one season. that’s an achievement of its own. he knows that he needs to work on his starts. you best believe that next year, he’ll be so much better at it.

he knows that this season he made some mistakes off track as well. but, as compared to the start of the season and now, he’s gotten much more mature, and much better at using his words correctly. the current situation about him saying it was luck was taken completely out of context. but, haters have a small brain, and a low attention span, so they won’t watch the entire interview.

max has had way more experience than lando has. to use that “3x wdc winner vs 3x race winner” for a duo where one has significantly more experience than other, not just in a fast car, but also in f1 overall, seems stupid to me.

max won his first race in 2016. and then, he won his first wdc in 2021. sure, lando has a fast car now, but to put an unrealistic expectation on him to be on par with the greatest f1 drivers almost immediately after he wins his first race is a little too much.

this constant need of people to belittle these drivers, whether its lando or max or literally any other driver, is so surprising to me, because none of yall would even be able to drive an f1 car in clean air for one lap, let alone a full race. especially, not at a speed that they do.

these are my opinions. if you don’t agree, please fuck right off. if you send me hate, i will block you. i don’t give a fuck. if you have something to add or have a counter argument, you’re free to do so respectfully.

[cripplecharacters]

Do you think it’s ok as a person w/o psychosis to have jokes in a story that revolve around hallucinations? Not in a ‘that person is so crazy hahahaha’ way, more like the humour comes from the character being exasperated because their hallucinations aren’t realistic and are clearly fake to them, but they’re still seeing them and they’re fed up of it.

I partially wanted to include this so that the character’s hallucinations aren’t considered to be only just scary and evil (there are some moments in the story where the hallucinations are more intense because of the character being in a bad mental place, so I wanted to avoid showing hallucinations as only dark), and partially because one of their regular hallucinations revolves around seeing wild animals, and they don’t live in an area where the animals they typically see are common, so naturally they’d be out of place. Also, this idea for the jokes mostly came from the fact that I personally suffer from paranoia/intrusive thoughts, and get very exasperated when I know one of my thoughts is unrealistic, but I’m aware that my experiences are different from people with psychosis, so wanted to check in here. Thanks:3

Hello!

Yes, I think it definitely can be done in a way that's respectful. Psychosis is obviously serious and can be scary, but so are a lot of other things that people make jokes about. I have made jokes about some of my hallucinations and I know other people who do that as well.

I think I see where you're coming from with the idea, but I will say first that even the hallucinations that are extremely obviously fake (including to the person experiencing them at that time who is aware that it's not real) can still be very stressful and scary. To have myself as an example here, a few years ago I had a visual hallucination that was clearly out of place, essentially nonsense. I'm fairly good at recognizing when I'm hallucinating something and was able to tell "that's not there, it's literally fake". At that time I did actually make fun of it because Lol, saw Weird Thing, and it was kinda funny, but it doesn't mean I didn't also stare at it and had my heart rate go up a dangerous amount. Being scared in a situation with a clearly Strange Thing of that nature is an uncontrollable physical response I think (I'm presuming it's much less intense for people who hallucinate very frequently or at all times), kinda like getting a fake spider thrown at you - you know it's fake approximately 1 second after the fact and it can be funny, but your body is still going through some sort of response because for that 1 second it took you to figure that out you got scared.

This is a very long way to say that this is both a thing that your character could joke or be frustrated by ("Why do I still feel dizzy, it was literally just [XYZ]? What the fuck.") and that scary hallucination =/= hallucination you can't joke about. Some people will actually make fun of the more distressing ones because it can be a decent coping mechanism when you're scared. It can ease up the tension, especially if other people see you and don't know what to do (it's absolutely awkward).

My one advice on the type of jokes the character makes is to keep in mind how they relate to actual psychotic people. E.g., don't make a joke that has "you'd have to be stupid to not notice that something is a hallucination" as an objective conclusion because well, a lot of us can't tell. I suppose it could be different if the character is being self-deprecating and just insulting themselves, but if you're going that in-depth on the character I'd recommend working with a sensitivity reader.

Basically try to consider - is the character joking about themself and their hallucination, or are they just punching down psychotic people? Again, jokes on how "psychotic people be like" aren't sacred or fully off limits, but it's not really what I'd be looking for from an outsider author.

There's also I think room for showing hallucinations as strictly scary/dark (most, if not all of us have/had these), it's just to not have horror soundtrack playing during it. If (example) your character experienced the most movie-stereotypical "demons, blood, satanic activity" type hallucinations and was actually treated with sympathy, I wouldn't consider it to be demonization of psychosis. Sometimes it can be scary and ugly, but it doesn't make the person experiencing it an evil monster.

I hope this helps,

mod Sasza

[lilithmymind]

You know that thing about Batman what I don't understand? Why the fuck everyone in Gotham trust and like him like wth😭😭😭

If I would be a citizen of Gotham you can't imagine how shocked and confused I would be once that Bat-freak appears and starts talking about justice and vengeance, beating the crap out of the criminal and breaking 90% of their bones. My first thought would probably be:'Why the fuck he isn't in Arkham Asylum yet? I think he's dangerous.'

I'm surpsised he didn't kill anyone accidentally yet, I swear edging of 'Almost killed' gives him pleasure. And it gets more absurd because through years this freak gets children and involves them in dangerous work(Reminder:DICK WAS FUCKING NINE!) and develop some weird attraction to criminals(Catwoman, Talia, and all other criminals in Gotham who he didn't date officially but they still had smth going on together and a weird glances at each other) and some obsessed clown who's extremely dangerous and literally killed his children, but Batman refuse to let him die and literally brags in the hospital one day with that clown on his hands screaming 'You're going to help him first' and saves his ass too many times to count and they act like they're some divorced married couple.

Like the most unrealistic shit ever is not the fact what Batman exist, but the fact what people like him. I can understand children:who wouldn't like when some cool edgy dude saves people and who doesn't want to be like him? But what about adults? Reasonable adult wouldn't like Batman because he's very cruel, using children, having sex with criminals, eye-fucking with the most dangerous one of them, ruining everything while fighting with them all, being dressed up as a giant bat and having a lot of weapons what he throws at everyone(Including his OWN SON) and talking about some justice.

Citizens aren't readers or writers who knows what Batman is a really nice and good guy who's just having a trauma with which he copes by vigilantism and attraction to very dangerous people, all they see is some Asylum patient with lots of issues and aggression.

I guess civilians are just stupid If after they find out what he does all this freaky shit to save them they start liking him😭😭😭

[beevean]

Hey there, idk if you still care about Omori, but I just want to ask you, since you're very critical. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I really don't know what to think about the Mari's ghost scene where she says she wants Sunny to forgive himself. What are your thoughts on it?

Personally, I don't like the trope of a deceased person coming back to forgive someone, especially their killer. Part of the tragedy of death is that you don't get to know how someone would've felt and what they would've thought. You don't get that catharsis. Death is final. Here, it just feels like she was there so the main character could feel better and move on, and that's the only reason she spoke at all.

Since this story does decide to bring her back for a scene, I wish she'd had more mixed feelings towards her brother. Not wanting him to be miserable forever, but still feeling a bitterness that he robbed her of a chance to live at all (and in such a stupid way, too). A single, normal and nuanced conversation between the two. Make her more human, you know?

Hello!

I don't have a strong hatred for OMORI and I rarely talk about it (in fact, this ask seems like it was meant to be sent to @woodchipp lol), but I don't like it, no. I find it extremely poorly written in its themes of self-forgiveness, because it's heavily deep into Protagonist Centered Morality. To be blunt, I care more about the people Sunny has hurt than Sunny himself, who does nothing to endear himself to me and a lot to make me find him hard to like as a person.

Anyway, I'm going to contradict myself soon lmao, because while I'm largely apathetic towards the game as a whole I despise the scene of Mari's ghost, even more so with the confirmation that it was not Sunny's imagination.

It's not even just the cheapness of Mari descending from heaven, nullifying the whole point of her death creating a vacuum in people's hearts. It's how absolutely vile I find that Mari's entire purpose in the real world is to reassure Sunny that she's not mad that he killed her. In fact, she may be the to blame!

Sunny is the one who destroyed the violin out of spite, flushing down the toilet thousands of dollars worth between buying it (it was a gift! A heartfelt gift that everyone worked hard on to buy for his ungrateful ass!) and eight months of efforts, not just his but Mari's as well, who just wanted to play at a recital and accepted her little bro to play with her despite their immense gap in practice. Sunny is the one who did not express himself with words or by running away, but chose to use physical violence on Mari because he got angry that she didn't appreciate enough what he did for her. Why is she the one apologizing for making him hit her? There's a line between "kind understanding big sis" and "battered wife"!

This scene is disgusting. It would be simply cheap if Mari actually killed herself, and Sunny lived for years being eaten by guilt for something he didn't do, but felt like it was his responsibility, something like "maybe Mari killed herself because I was a lousy brat of a brother, had I been better to her she would still be here". In that case, Mari descending from heaven to reassure Sunny would be unrealistic and childish, but in a way touching, in that "I wish this could happen in real life" way. The story would be less gritty and realistic, but sure, sometimes people want wish fulfillment, and OMORI as a whole is big for wish fulfillment ("aww don't you wish you had great friends like Sunny has <3"). But in the story we have? Mari's feelings over being killed by her own brother don't matter. Mari's feelings over having her body desecrated don't matter. Mari's feelings over her friends and boyfriend believing she killed herself, and unfairly blaming themselves, don't matter. What matters is Sunny's poor little conscience. It's all about Sunny. Mari as a person with her hopes and dreams and dignity can go fuck herself.

Notice how apparently she never appeared to her boyfriend who is still crying over her, or Aubrey who was almost like a sister to her and became a delinquent out of grief and abandonment issues. Nah, who cares about those chumps? Sunny's feelings are of the utmost priority! Can't have him feeling guilty over being violent, taking his sister's life over nothing, and then going along with a plan meant to make him look innocent, can we? Can't prove the Evil Depression right :)

If the whole story is Sunny deciding he's tired of feeling bad about himself and finding the strength to forgive himself for his crimes, why does he need constant reassurance from others? Why does he need Mari to literally come back from the dead to pat pat him on the head and saying more or less that she deserved being hurt for daring to push him for something he wanted? Why does he equate the others forgiving him for his lies with them being "good friends"? Why does the world have to bend backwards to soothe him?

(I think the story forgot that in this scene, it's not Basil talking, it's Sunny shoving words into his mouth in his own head. Makes "Basil's" claim that he has been nothing but a burden all the better, does it)

Well. I said I don't hate OMORI lol. And I don't, really, certainly not to Wood's extent. But this scene and the ending where Sunny gets to run away from the mess he made and all the hearts he broke and we're supposed to be happy for him genuinely piss me off.

anyway I'd just cut the whole scene entirely (Mari needs flashbacks to flesh her out, not visions postmortem), and I'll leave you with this wonderful thread about how Steven Universe deals with the finality of death, and the ache of not being able to talk with a deceased loved one ever again:

[demonmoonsupreme]

So I watched Saltburn the other night. I liked it quite a bit, like, I even texted friends asking if they had seen it (none had). I liked it enough that I will probably watch it again in the near future. I went into it knowing nothing; hadn’t seen the trailer, hadn’t seen edits, never heard of the director, had absolutely no clue who the two lead actors were as I’ve never seen their previous work — look, I only gave it a chance because Memeulous said he enjoyed it and then I noticed that Rosamund Pike was in it. I mostly only watch movies in English out of extreme boredom, for nostalgia’s sake, or I’ve been forced into it.

I liked Saltburn, but I’m a weird little freak who enjoys things because they’re disturbing. I like that Oliver’s narrative doesn’t always make absolute sense, that it isn’t the most linear, that is sometimes damn near contradictory. To me, that’s what makes it feel realistic. I don’t think he met his original end goal, I don’t think over the 15 years the story took place he never recalibrated and had to just work it out another way because the shit just hit the fan. That little montage at the end felt funny to me (I know a bunch of other viewers felt like they were being insulted, like they were dimwits that needed the last two hours spelled out for them), but for me? I felt like Oliver was trying to convince me as he’d convinced himself that he was the mastermind of everything, trying to convince his audience (whom he’d hopefully kept interested until the end) that he’d been in control the whole time; this was exactly how he’d meant for everything to play out. But, frankly, I don’t believe Oliver — why would I, he’s damn near lied about everything else. I don’t think life is that linear. I don’t think that Oliver is the type to never experience a setback, or change his mind, or fabricate some new memory or whatever he needs to do to validate his story. I don’t think that people never just never flat out contradict themselves. it feels strange to have characters that are so linear, so fucking logical and lucky that they map out literal decades of their life and it all just…goes according to plan. Unnatural. Which is why I think that end montage, that cock and bull story that he’s telling unconscious Elsbeth, is just Oliver telling us what he wants us to hear and believe.

Oh, and anyone saying it’s a badly done eat the rich movie needs to back to school. It’s not an eat the rich movie; how could it be? All the characters are either the 1% or upper middle class. I don’t think a single fucking character gave a real shit about socioeconomic inequality, and none of them were in any position to be pontificating that ‘rich people bad, poor people are good but also gross and we don’t interact with them’. That would have been so distasteful, on top of being just stupid and unrealistic given the backgrounds and motives of the characters.

[seeingsooey]

ON “ NARC ABUSE” again… ( and why it’s stupid to use )

I disagreed with some pop-psychology asseater about the use of “ narcissistic abuse” and “ borderline abuse” and now they’re refusing to acknowledge any point so I’m going to be posting it… publically 😳😳😳🗣️🗣️ sorry this is going to be kind of mean but I don’t really care. I also feel it’s necessary to talk about if this is a common mindset

They also posted this ☠️ I love when I’m targeted

they also called me an abuser and acted as if they knew me because I disagreed with them so ☠️ and they kept on fucking with Ad hominem and red herrings so oooo I’m fed up to be honest. I’m going to be petty and post about it cause I wanna !!

Here is ANOTHER post about why the use of “ narcissistic abuse” etc is extremely harmful to both those suffering with disorders and victims of abuse!!!

This isn’t the account I’d normally post this on but it’s the one I argued w them with so oh well

ABUSE IS ABUSE.

It doesn’t matter who does it. It’s abuse, and it’s terrible behavior.

The problem with the terms “ narc abuse” and its related?

You’re pushing responsibility off of the person with the terrible behavior and pushing it onto a disorder. Which for all reasons anyone can understand is a fucked thing to do. It pushes stigma and worst of all, PULLS responsibility off the abuser. Dumbass./targeted

They were literally trying to get at this while excusing the use of the terms. Kind of silly and contradictory, right??? But to be fair, they acted as if they knew everything about me over one disagreement. The immaturity and the audacity is already insane. I’m just being petty atp. Sorry ☠️

I know, you’re probably shaking your head and going “huh?? How is it taking the responsibility off of the abuser??!”

Because you’re not seeing them as JUST a shitty person. You’re seeing them as a walking threat because of a disorder and feeding the idea that this disorder is inherently abusive!

I would bet entirely that they’re going to immediately assume I’ve never been in a shitty situation before, either. But I don’t need to tell them anything lol

Somebody having a disorder is entirely irrelevant to abuse.

Just like other things about like, maybe the abuser being a man or a woman or the race of the abuser or how fucking good they did in school idk. It’s UNRELATED. And the day people get that is going to be a good day.

ANYONE can be abusive. And in patterns that you’d see with this “ type of abuse”.

YEAH, people with NPD or BPD can be abusive but no more than people without the disorders. It would be logical to say that there’s a higher percent of abusers who don’t have a cluster b disorder than those who do.

Also, nobody with these disorders are going to follow these patterns. It’s much more broad than how specific it’s trying to be painted. Everyone is different, and it’s highly unrealistic.

It’s absolutely immature and irresponsible. And this person is being terribly arrogant about it LOL.

they also twisted the argument ( straw manning me) and claimed that I was saying this behavior is okay because they’re disordered. It’s not. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior, no matter what.

( all I said that they misinterpreted, probably on purpose or with a lack of literacy, is that it cannot be CONTROLLED. Hence why it is a disorder. This HOWEVER, can be noticed and you can go to therapy and work HARD to improve. But that literally doesn’t mean it goes away.. I fear this is all common sense.)

I love when people ride a high horse and be confidently wrong!!!/sarcasm

“ Narc abuse” and its related terms are not real. You are NOT some special, misunderstood victim, no matter what you went through. Get off of your fucking horse and grow up and focus on healing yourself rather than labeling others blindly. Sorry to put it harshly but it’s no better to tear down others because you’re hurting.

If you’re using these terms I hope this can help you understand, and if you’re for this shit then like pick up a book or something idk. Consume something that isn’t off YouTube or reels.

I might tag you in this. Hope you see it.

Edit: I’m tagging you. Sorry! Not sorry!!

@decayflux-protocol

[grimsonandclover]

To the children who lurk:

Please at least be aware that porn exposure at a young age can lead to increased risk of depression, anxiety, self image issues, unhealthy and unrealistic relationships and views of sex and intimacy, and depending on the type of porn it can desensitize or normalize sexual violence and abuse. Children and teens exposed to porn can become more aggressive and less social, and it impacts their mental health negatively overall. This has been studied and proven and I am a testament to that.

I deal with all of this now as an adult because I could not understand why I wasn't supposed to be in certain spaces. There was *no one* telling me why. I'm not joking, I thought porn and sex was meant for adults just because they "said so". And for the longest time, that was it. Because they said so. How stupid is that? If someone had taken the time to explain to me that I'd be fucked up for the foreseeable future just because I wanted to feed that curiosity and watch extremely graphic porn and excuse it as "embracing my sexuality" (as a child) without any further thought, I think there's a chance I wouldn't have been in those spaces anymore.

From this point on, I address grooming, paraphilias, abuse, and radqueers, because yes it is relevant.

I'm sorry to have to remind you, but being openly sexual as a minor online is dangerous. This is how a great deal of predators find their targets to groom. Entering sexual spaces and consuming sexual media and then engaging with others about it is how children online start identifying as radqueers and defending pedophilic adults because that's seen as taboo, and if experiencing sexual desires as a kid is taboo but not bad for them, then surely other bad things are being demonized for no reason. It's pedophiles, and then bestiality, and then necrophilia, and then they're being convinced by people with these paraphilias that their criminalization is akin to criminalizing gay marriage. Think I'm exaggerating? Catastrophizing? That would make me feel better too. So many, and I mean so many, radqueer accounts I see are ran by literal children. This does not happen in a vacuum. I have heard so many explanations about how this is them exploring their sexuality. It can lead to this (I'm not joking. This is a real cause and effect scenario. God I WISH I WASN'T BEING SERIOUSLY PLEASSSEEEEEEEEEE FUCKCKKCKKCKCKCKC):

There is a reason for this happening, and for the desire and effort to separate children from porn and sex and kinks. Hormones means minors experience sexual desires, this is fact. We know this. It's normalized that a teenage boy gets horny and looks up graphic porn. Teen girls read dark!au smut with graphic detail of hardcore sex with their favorites on wattpad. It's part of growing up you could say, sure, fine, whatever. If that's how it has to be.

I just mean there is a reason WHY these behaviors are deemed not only "wrong" but dangerous. Believe it or not that's why there's laws around porn (some i don't agree with. I think criminalizing it is dangerous but that's another topic). It isn't just "because I said so", it's "because you'll suffer in silence with the aftermath and I don't want that for you. Because people will use these lasting effects to radicalize and exploit you." Abuse is also pertinent to this discussion and the path to the mindset above, but you don't have something horrible happen to you and end up defending pedophiles. It's manipulation, and it centers on sex and children and their exposure to it, especially on the internet.

I am simply asking, if you are going to go out of your way to ignore all of this, all of the cause and effect and possible outcomes, don't include me. I don't want to be a part of the same cycle I was stuck in, while also not suppressing and censoring myself when clear communication and boundaries should make it clear how I feel about you're interaction and presence around me. I don't want to be a part of this. I never signed up for that. I know it's the fucking internet and I can't control who comes across what I write at the end of the day but I'm at the point of begging for one of you to consider listening to me.

This is probably the last time I talk about this because there's only so much talking in circles I can do.

[apeekatthestars]

ok i'm in the middle of watching devils plan s2 ep10, and boy do i have some THOUGHTS. I've been watching everyone dogpile on kyuhyun and sohee on this sub since the finale aired, and i haven't watched what sohee/hyungyu do in the finale.

but for kyuhyun, i think he did decently well for himself. just think about what the prison gang was asking of him. i get that hyungyu's manipulations were fucked up, and that his behavior was highlighted by the editing/creepy bgm. but...

- from kyuhyun's pov, this was his friend. he played with him, lived with him, ate with him, etc for 5 days straight. that is long enough to build an emotional bond - and that's clear by how hard the prison gang members themselves cried when their own allies got eliminated earlier on. the game is fake, but the emotions people feel during the game are extremely valid. people who want to disregard the emotional aspect of the game have an unrealistic expectation of human nature, and honestly, come off like T bastards (to use kyuhyun's words).

- kyuhyun and sohee are both clever people. you see BOTH of them whispering to their team members and figuring out strategies in every game. and although them contributing to their team's wins do have the consequence where someone is eliminated from the game (due to the game rules, which they didn't set), their focus was on winning the games for their team. the consequence didn't occur directly because of them. they saw how hard the prison gang had it, and they felt for the others (even brought them food/requested amenities before every main match), but they didn't want to be placed in that position, and they weren't, because of their abilities/how unbalanced the game was. it's like how the rich people in parasite didn't do anything wrong, per se, but they enjoyed their privilege and felt thankful they weren't poor. not likeable, but not wrong, per se. the real villain is the unbalanced and unfair game system - kyuhyun/sohee didn't cause the unfairness.

- when hyunjoon ditched hyungyu (and honestly, good for him, because hyungyu was being toxic as all hell that game. like jfc, does he not hear how villainous he sounds.) for kyuhyun and sohee, the entire situation became an entirely different beast altogether. they were being asked to help stab their friend, in a 6 on 1 situation. it was a cruel eventuality that people get eliminated, but the manner this ploy had clearly been carefully arranged (for hyungyu to lose all of his allies, to lose the game, to get sent to prison, to lose in a rigged prison game) was probably beyond the pale for them, who still considered hyungyu their friend. when the others got eliminated, they lost the games fair and square. Lee sedol and Justin simply didn't pick up how the games they lost in worked, at all. kh even tried to help justin.

- if we're being honest, how many contestants would have agreed to that? if eliminating harin so cruelly made game sense, would eunyu have helped kill her off? or if eliminating justin made game sense, would 7high or jiyeong have helped kill him off? justin wasn't even technically a part of the prison gang alliance (he was still a self-professed lone wolf), and the prison gang tried so hard to save him. the fact that kyuhyun and sohee felt they could not bring themselves to help off hyungyu, who was a part of their key alliance from day 1, is very understandable.

- this game is about social strategy as well as mental fortitude. the fact that 7high and the prison gang could not see how unreasonable and unrealistic their ask was, even if this was "just a game", is incredibly stupid on their part. what was supposed to be kyuhyun and sohee's reason to help stab their friend? because they'd "agreed" to help the prison gang for that one game? they'd agreed under the understanding that hyungyu would have a fighting chance and that this would be a fair game. helping their friend who was being ganged up on would obviously take priority over some "agreement" for a single game. or because it made game sense that hyungyu should be eliminated before the final? competition is one thing, but many players have lines that they won't cross even for the game, and ganging up on and stabbing your friend (even if it's for good game reasons) is a very reasonable and normal line. not clocking this was a major oversight by the prison gang - hinging their whole goddamn strategy on kyuhyun and sohee not feeling bad for their ally and friend was insane.

- what's more, it sounds like 7high really rubbed sohee the wrong way, with his bullshit "i don't even really care about winning, i want you to win". she's naive but not that naive, and his disingenuity lost him a lot of potential trust. that kind of dishonesty just makes him unappealing to be around. she must have known that if she and kyuhyun allied with the prison gang like that, 7high could not be trusted and there was a real possibility he would just pick off her and kyuhyun immediately.

- perhaps the worst part of 7high's strategy was he didn't clue in kyuhyun and sohee from the very start. they clearly felt just as blindsided as hyungyu did when hyunjoon ditched him. as a result, they didn't have time to process or properly consider what this new situation would mean or what they might want to do, rationally or emotionally. when people are blindsided like this, they usually stick with their gut emotional reaction - and in this case, it was to help out their friend. also, the fact that their new allies placed them in a very difficult spot as well, where they had to quickly decide whether they could be ok with following the prison gang's clear plan to off their friend in such a cruel way. i also want to point out that this was incredibly disrespectful to kyuhyun and sohee - the fact that their "new allies" just did this to them probably highlighted just how insignificant they were to their new allies and how untrustworthy their new allies were.

- in the face of all this, kyuhyun stood up for his and sohee's line. sohee can't do confrontation, so kyuhyun did it for her too - he fended off the prison gang, defended his own playing style and emotions, and he took his own elimination on the chin.

- but at the end of the day, i think it was not as much about hyungyu and protecting him, as it was about kyuhyun sticking to his own line. he didn't want to play like that, and it was very understandable. his friend was being ganged up on and expressed that he was having a difficult time (even if he knew his friend was fine in terms of the game, the emotions are still real). he chose to help his friend and refused to participate in offing his friend. that was his line. tbh, it was probably a line that most of the other contestants would have stuck to as well, with respect to their own allies/friends.

- and now, i'm in the middle of ep 10, and sohee is clearly feeling very bereft. probably feeling guilty for stepping away from hyungyu and for helping in the plan that ended up with kyuhyun eliminated. she was not a very secure person to begin with, so her eventual decision to help hyungyu to the very end to make all this have some kind of meaning makes sense to me.

[howlsmovinglibrary]

how do you survive writing a thesis? my dissertation is due in three weeks and i am losing sleep and also my mind trying to make sure everything is spick and span and going to require as little editing from my committee as possible

Oh my God, this is a question.

How do you survive writing a thesis? When you're three weeks away from the deadline and REALLLLY in it??

Honestly anon, you get up every day, and you do what you can. You accept the comments/feedback you can action this late in the game, and which ones you really can't - which ones are essential, which ones are the nice to haves, and which ones are unrealistic. Which ones are said by your supervisor without them really meaning it, and which ones genuinely won't make a difference to your fucking thesis. And then, you gleefully start deleting everything that isn't essential from your brain and, if necessary, your document. Because now, finally, you truly do not have time.

I'll be real with you, anon, and give you the advice I would give to my past self, that I also know my past self wouldn't ever, ever listen to. I also aimed for no (or as few) corrections (as possible). I didn't want to work on my thesis anymore either. I didn't want to have to edit it. This made it hurt all the fucking more, when I got them and had to do it anyway. I also got minor corrections which..... wooooo!, but it also meant I had less fucking time to do them in, even though it was still work. Almost made me wish I'd gotten major and given myself time (although I'll be real, this probably would've sucked too).

Idk if you're UK or US or European or elsewhere, so your experience and the rules of your institution may definitely differ from mine, but I think the way you get through submission is by accepting This Isn't The Final Draft, no matter how much it absolutely feels like one. Your final draft is the one where, for better or worse, you've been examined and gotten that committee input. Stop imagining the feedback you're heading off at the pass, and instead embrace knowing that the feedback you may or may not get from your committee will in fact set the goalposts for the actual endpoint, and that this really isn't it. Idk if this is helpful, but I too worked slavishly to try and avoid ever having to look at my project again, and then got really bitter when I didnt magically stop any of that from happening, because ultimately, I'm not the person who controls that. I can't see what is or isn't perfect in my project, this late in the game - that's what those fresh eyes are for, and you unfortunately cannot escape them.

I realise I'm telling another fellow academic achiever to forego perfectionism. I realise the futility in that. But honestly? My corrections, to this day, strike me as stupid. There was nothing I could've done in my final draft or my viva to avoid them, which tells me it's extremely unlikely (at least in the UK) to come out with no corrections. This is quite freeing in hindsight, bc if I'd known, I wouldn't have tried so fucking hard to get no corrections in the first place.

If your work is already at no corrections territory, you're there. And if you're not, no panic or magical last minute ass pull at this stage is going to get you there. Horrible, right? But again, also very freeing. Just proofread what you can proofread, format what you can format, get yourself under the wordcount... and then try your best to let it go. This end isn't the end, even if you really badly want it to be.

As for how you survive (less brutal harsh truth version), please just fucking look after yourself!!! The Final Parts of thesis writing are like a really shitty, protracted labour, and this is one of the contractions. It will be painful, but it will end. In three *and a bit* weeks, you won't be here anymore. With this knowledge under your belt, endure what you can, but also accept your limits and make sure it's not only just endurance. Give yourself little treats. Eat a fuck tonne of comfort food. Make sure you do, in fact, get some sleep (full disclosure, I got sleeping tablets prescribed). Touch some grass at some point in the day. Please, don't run yourself into the ground, bc the end of a thesis is a marathon NOT a sprint.

Wishing you genuinely, all the best of luck!!! Xxx

[healingcorvid]

I NEED to talk about the Bayverse.

I know a lot of us trash the Bayverse for several reasons. We think they're ugly, we think they're boring, we hate the Romeo and Juliet law thing, we hate the Optimus, we hate hate hate.

But there is a SERIOUS problem on the level of design. Some of them do look beautiful- I'm no stranger to wanting to do unholy things to TLK Optimus- and some of them look terrifying, like the Driller.

But there's a fundamental lack of thought in the designs of the Bayverse that isn't there in other Transformers media.

It comes down to this: Bayverse designs have a couple major flaws. Some of them are just plain ugly- no offense to my Bumblebee stans but look at him. Look at the three ladies we get to actually see the root modes of. Look at Crosshairs and fucking Wheeljack. They have all these elements of extreme robogore and they don't properly pull it together to form a character that stands out into visual archetypes. There's no "cute" characters, no "beautiful" characters, no "sporty" characters, no "intimidating" characters, no "ugly" characters- and I don't mean that as just character archetypes, I mean that as a category of physical design. Every other media has it. You can always find someone cute and someone pretty and someone ugly in every other media, especially Transformers, but you can't do it in the Bayverse because none of their characters are designed with a recognizeably 'cute' face.

And that on its own wouldn't so much be a problem if it weren't for how close to human they want to animate these guys, but they CLEARLY want them to look like big metal humans. Look at any of the nonbeastmodes who don't have a mask on 24/7 or an empurata. Look at Drift, look at Crosshairs, Wheeljack, TLK Optimus, Hound, even Ratchet if you squint- they're meant to look like big metal humans and it doesn't fucking work.

And then my biggest fucking gripe: Where. Is. Your. Fucking. Skin? I don't mean that on a human sense either. If I hold up a cross-section of a bot from every single media and asked you to point out anatomical features, you could.

"Where is the brain?" What's the thing you think with? Processor/brain module.

"Where is the heart?" What's the thing that keeps you moving? Spark.

"Where are the eyes?" What do you use to take in visual information? Optics.

"Where are the lungs?" What do you use to circulate air? Vents.

"Where are the legs?" What do you use to get around? Tires and servos.

"Where is the stomach?" What do you use to take in nutrients/fuel? Fuel tank.

"Where is the skin?" What do you use to prevent your sensitive insides from falling out? To keep debris and infections from getting in and killing you? Protoform, for everything other than the Bayverse bots. The Bayverse bots don't have skin. They don't, but they NEED it. Especially on a planet like Earth. All of the dust, a car backfiring and shooting out their rusted exhaust pipe (I've witnessed that fucking happen), the rain, small birds, rodents, all of those things can just get inside the bot because there's not even a glass or transparent silicone sheathe. It's not even a fucking weak spot for them like eyes and noses and mouths and ears and anuses and urethras and cuts- they don't have any skin to begin with. None of them do and it's fucking stupid and unrealistic!

It doesn't even need to be something smooth that hides the robotics. Clear silicon. Something somewhat organic because they reproduce through eggs.

[wlwanakin]

god you're so right about how messed up the obi-wan/anakin/ahsoka dynamic is. it's like: your dad had you way too young, never forgot it and never let you forget it, and the moment you've achieved some independence he has another kid.

and like. you know that this kid is going to have to be your baby, because your father is not qualified to raise her, so it falls to 19-20 yr old you to keep this child alive. anakin is the true teen mom of star wars, tbh

RIGHT!!!! RIGHT!!!! like it’s that. it’s not that but emotionally it is that!!!! and it’s sooo fucked in ways that feel under-acknowledged cuz the show itself is like “but it’s fine! look how well these three get on” but also i don’t care what the show says (except when it’s good in which case i do care. i care So Much). i’m gonna talk about how it’s fucked!! and like, in general it’s the kind of a recipe for extreme tension and resentment and anakin not letting ahsoka be subject to any of that is maybe one of the acts that got him into force heaven two decades later, because anakin grew up being silently resented by obi-wan a bit (in some ways A Lot) and like you can talk about the cycles of it all but that is a very important aspect of it that anakin ensured he did Not continue! but like goddd you cannot tell me there was no resentment towards obi-wan about it all that nagged at him, especially since obi-wan likes ahsoka so much, and frankly obi-wan and anakin are a classic case of parent and child who simply would not like each other if they met as unrelated individuals, and boy oh boy is that a miserable thing to be. and i think it’s unrealistic that all this weirdness just evaded ahsoka too so i’m sure she has her own complexes. being an unwanted child whose custody got passed off bc your religious order decided to use you as a character-building tool (did she ever find out about this. if she ever found out about this it’d be crazy. i like to think she did) is never smooth sailing even your not-teen brother-mom loves you so so much and actually expresses it (UNLIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW).

and anakin really IS the teen mom lol, and i find that funny both bc he’s much closer to an Actual teen mom age wise while obi-wan (designated teen mom by fandom including me bc he acts like one) was fucking 25, and bc anakin was the MORE SUCCESSFUL ONE. like not only was he given a padawan when he was 5-6 years younger than obi-wan was on the frontlines of a WAR he also got over the whole not wanting her thing like super duper fast and despite being the most insane woman alive he actually did a pretty good job and ahsoka ended up being really well-adjusted forever (which is in part stupid bad writing but also i do think anakin gave her the best child soldier experience one could be given…also fucked to think about if you wanna chew on that). like i increasingly don’t care for tcw as the years go on but ahsoka and anakin’s dynamic will be close to my heart forever and ever and that is partially bc the circumstances are so deeply fucked

[shadyruinskryptonite]

Insecurities

Warning: Disordered eating, insecurities, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, references to s*x but no descriptions and not smut, unemployment, language, super negative self-talk (reader calls herself a bitch and fat), pet names (babe, baby, love), not proofread

Genre: hurt/comfort, established relationship, Modern AU!Eren x fem reader

A/n: Italics mean it’s the reader’s thoughts. Sorry that this is very dark and sad. As with any of my writing, it’s very self-serving. I promise that I’m alright, just feeling a bit insecure (I’m on the bigger side) and this will be comforting for me and therapeutic. Take care of yourselves <3

WC: 2390

y/n, texting: Hey Ren! You think we could hang out after work?

Ren: Sorry, I’ve gotta go to the gym and have some errands to run so I don’t think I can tonight 😢I should be able to tomorrow though if you’d like!

I sigh, feeling the familiar pressure settling on my chest as my stomach growls.

y/n: Oh, yeah. That’s fine. Tomorrow works! Love ya!

Ren: Love you too, babe.

I toss my phone to the side, heaving another sigh as I flop my head back. 

I can’t expect him to realize something is wrong if I don’t tell him. How can you be both so good at hiding how you feel AND expect Eren to see through it? Dumb bitch, this is why you are disappointed so often, people can never live up to your unrealistic expectations. 

Tears prick my eyes and I decide that the growling of my stomach is too obnoxious to ignore, so I walk to the fridge knowing I won’t find anything satisfactory. Settling on some cheese sticks, I fill the gaps with a bit of sparkling water.

If you want to like how you look in pictures, this better be the only thing you eat today. 

Nodding to myself, I go back to my bed to finish my snack before sliding under the covers. Having not had more than one meal each day for longer than I can remember, I’m definitely exhausted. I’ve been searching and applying to jobs so often that I’m mentally just shot.

You should’ve never left your job. Sure they treated you like shit, but at least you had a paycheck. You’re so stupid for thinking you’d get a job quickly. And any place you work is going to be the exact same since you’re so fucking lazy.

I squeeze my eyes together before I turn on my white noise in the background hoping to drown out my own thoughts. Slowly, I drift off to a nap.

---

When I’m snapped out of my sleep, the room is dark. I rub my eyes, extremely disoriented because something that wasn’t my alarm is what pulled me awake. I glance at the time and realize I had been asleep for at least three hours. There’s a knock at the door, and it dawns on me that this is what must have pulled me out of my sleep.

Wearing just Eren’s hoodie, I stretch before calling out, “One minute!”

You’re not really going to answer the door like that are you? Even though the hoodie covers your ass your fat thighs with their stretch marks are out. You can’t have someone seeing that!

I groan before stepping into my closet briefly. I pull on a pair of leggings but quickly realize they’re tighter than the last time I wore them. 

Ugh! You’re better off having your fat out. Just look at how these show the shadow under your gut! It’s disgusting.

For what feels like the hundredth time today I fight off tears not wanting to open the door looking like a crying mess on top of how shitty I already feel. I pull off the leggings in a huff and go to the door, too tired to care anymore.

When I glance through the peephole, I’m surprised to see Eren standing outside my door. I fling it open, confusion evident on my face. It’s only as he’s looking me over that I realize how messed up my hair must be so I quickly pull out the hair tie that was realistically only hanging on by a thread anyway. 

His warm smile that crinkles his eyes and his musky scent envelope me, momentarily lifting the cloud off of me. But just as quickly as I felt better, the doom and gloom returned along with guilt.

Look at how handsome he is, it’s so unfair of him to be stuck with you. You were too obvious about how you felt and now you’ve forced him to come over here instead of doing the things he was planning on doing. Always a burden.

Fighting off the thoughts, I smile up at my boyfriend, trying to convey that I really am happy he’s here. A little worried about his response, I ask “what happened, I thought you were going to the gym and had errands to run?”

There’s an almost imperceptible furrow to his brow and I can tell he knows something is wrong.

Fuck! Don’t make him worry about you!

“I got off a little early so I’ve already gone to the gym and I decided that my errands could wait. You seemed off over text so I wanted to come check on you, and…I think I’m glad I did. What’s wrong baby?”

I pull him into my apartment and say, “nothing Ren, what makes you think something is wrong?”

I don’t want to worry him but, god, there’s nothing I need more than him right now.

As the door closes, the room is once again enveloped in darkness. “Well,” he says as he flips the light on, “for starters I can tell you just woke up from a nap.”

“I nap all of the time Ren, that’s nothing special” I say with a giggle, and to an untrained ear it sounds so very genuine. Not to Eren though. Wanting desperately to change the subject I ask, “Have you had anything to eat? If you went to the gym you must be hungry.”

As I go to walk towards the kitchen, he gently grabs my arm. “I had a smoothie, so I’m fine.” He’s still holding my arm when he looks behind me and sees clothes discarded on the floor of my closet, only he’s almost certain that they aren’t dirty. When he looks back to me, I can tell the expression on his face has bloomed into full-on worry. 

“Talk to me, y/n,” he almost whispers. 

I can’t hold his eyes so I look away, his thumb now rubbing loving circles on my arm. I steel myself so I can try to keep up the already fragile wall and look back at him with a softer smile this time. “I’m okay love, I promise. I appreciate you making sure I’m okay, though,” I say before getting on my toes to peck him on the lips. His eyes narrow slightly but he doesn’t press the matter.

Moving to the couch, Eren lays down with his head resting on the arm of the chair and invites me into him. I happily oblige. He has some random show on in the background, but as soon as I settle onto his chest and into his arms, my lip starts to quiver. My face is hidden in his chest, and I can tell he’s looking at the TV and not me, which is good because this time I couldn’t hold back the tears that had been brewing the entire day and, honestly, for the last nearly month. 

I lay there, crying quietly as some stupid sitcom plays. Only there came a point where my crying wasn’t so easily hidden anymore. I move my hand to my mouth in hopes to cover any noise but there was no hiding the sob that racked my body. This got his attention.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

“Hey, hey, look at me baby, just look at me,” Eren says with increased urgency as he shifts so I can comfortably look up and make eye contact. When I fight looking at him, he changes strategy. Holding me impossibly close with one hand on the back of my head and the other on my back, he rubs comforting circles anywhere he can. “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay baby. I’m right here. It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.

My sobbing gets harder before it starts to calm down, and if I could’ve seen his face I would’ve known how each new cry broke his heart all over again. When my crying had mostly subsided, I tried to choke out an apology which only made me begin to cry harder.

Now, Eren insisted on me looking at him. As he held my chin he asked, “Why the hell are you sorry? I don’t even know what you’re upset about yet.”

Through shuddering breaths, I manage to say, “I-I’m sorry for c-c-crying and I’m s-sorry for making you w-worry and f-f-for being a burden and, and, and… just for everything!” I try to bury my face in his chest again but he stops me.

“Baby! You never have to be sorry for crying. Where the fuck did you get the idea that you’re a BURDEN?” As he speaks, he looks almost hurt that I would say such a thing.

“I-I took you away f-f-from your plans,” I whine out.

“That doesn’t make you a burden love,” he says as he strokes my cheek. Shifting again to get us more on eye level, he continues, “this is not what’s making you cry this hard though. Please talk to me, y/n. I just, I feel so helpless if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” By now he’s holding my face, so I can only glance down to escape his eyes.

I know what I’m about to say will make him mad, so I keep looking down as I whisper, “why do you even care?” I feel his hands get tighter on my face. Not so tight that it hurts, but tighter nonetheless so I know he IS mad just like I was worried about.

What I wasn’t expecting was to be met with silence. When I look up, his eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open. Wanting to escape the situation, I say, “close your mouth, you’re going to catch flies like that,” but as I reach up to his face to gently shut his jaw, he grabs my hand hard.

“Why do I even care? I really can’t believe you just asked me that.” Mistaking his incredulity for annoyance, I frantically begin to apologize again as fresh tears spill over.

“Please stop apologizing, y/n. You don’t have anything to apologize for.” This shuts me up and for a moment we just sit in silence before it’s his turn to look away and he asks, “Have I not been doing enough to make you feel like I care? I’ll do anything you need, I-”

“What?! No! That’s not what I mean at all, you’re an incredible boyfriend and you make me feel so loved every day, it’s…it’s just that…” I pause to sigh. The last thing I wanted was for HIM to feel guilty. But how do I even begin to articulate what the problem is?

Eren waits patiently as I battle internally. Finally, I look down and continue, “It’s just that I don’t understand why you care about ME. I’m…I’m…I’m repulsive! I mean, just look at me!” I gesture to myself, still not making eye contact. Now I’m getting really worked up as I say, “We have no good pictures together because I ruin them all! I haven’t been able to contribute to a date in months because I have no money and on top of that you’ve had to bail me out financially more than once! I’m just…I’m useless! Fat, and lazy, and useless, and-”

I’m suddenly pulled into a crushing hug. Tangling one hand into Eren’s hair, I cry into the crook of his neck. For the first time in a while, I’m able to feel some of the weight lifting off of me. We stay like this for a moment and as my crying begins to subside, I can hear Eren speak through gritted teeth. Anger radiates off of him as he forces out, “did someone say something like this to you? Because if this is someone’s fault I’ll ki-”

“No one said this to me, Ren.” I lean back and realize he’s got tears glistening on his cheeks. I feel so bad for making him cry, but his silence implies he wants further explanation. I cup his face in my hands to wipe away his tears before I kind of chuckle and say, “No, no one said something to me. It’s just, I mean, I have eyes.”

“Well maybe you should get them checked then!” he bursts. I’m taken aback but it doesn’t stop him from continuing, “Because we must be seeing different things! Because when I look at you I just see happiness and love and sunshine.”

I chuckle again before I say, “Thank you Ren, but, to be fair, you’re my boyfriend. You’re supposed to say that kind of shit.”

Without an ounce of humor, he interjects “Well if I’m supposed to say it, then I must not be saying it enough. There are so many things about you that I love, like how smart you are and your humor and your kindness, but I never would have even wanted to get to know those things if I didn’t find you jaw-droppingly attractive. Your hair that looks soft and shiny no matter if you leave it natural or style it, your eyes that I find myself getting lost in every time we make eye contact, your smile that can genuinely turn my day around. And you’re every man’s dream because I don’t have to choose between tits and ass,” he squeezes both as his says that, making me genuinely laugh which reflects in his own smile before he continues, “and while I know you don’t like your stretch marks, I love them both because I think they’re like pretty tattoos but also because the skin is more sensitive so it gives me another way to drive you crazy any time we have sex.”

Before I can respond, he finishes off by saying, “You asked why I even care, but the answer is simple, and it’s because I love you. You are the greatest person I’ve ever met, and I will spend the rest of my life proving this to you if that’s what it takes.” He then kisses me softly yet passionately, conveying exactly how deeply he means everything he just said.

“It’s not something I’m just immediately going to believe about myself, but thank you. That really helped, Ren.” I kiss him one more time before saying, “I love you so much baby.”

“I love you too y/n.”

[chevelleneech]

Again, claiming Felix isn’t physically androgynous in the most basic of ways the term/label is used, is a blatant lie, and I do not understand why kpop fans are spouting it.

You don’t have to like nor be a fan of someone to admit their gender is difficult to specify to those who don’t know them. I mean, for fucksake, Felix looks like this:

At first glance, some of these do give man, but others absolutely do not. From a very base level, heteronormative point of view, he looks like a woman more often than not lately. Which is fine, it’s just his face, lol. Making threads about how he doesn’t and people only say so because he has long hair, is stupid.

Aside from his physicality though, Felix has actually made a point to state from his own mouth that he’s intentionally aiming to be viewed as unisex. He likes the fact that he doesn’t fit into one or the other, so even if his physical appearance was more masculine, saying he can’t be androgynous at all is dismissive. Especially because androgyny is as much of an identity as it is an objective feature.

Now, I’m not saying Felix is no longer cis or wants us to toe the line of pronouns for him. All I’m saying is, he likes resting in between. He doesn’t view himself as masculine and was surprised that other people do. He said he likes having longer hair as well, and that short hair isn’t always fun. So just let him be.

For real, this once again steps into my box of, “Kpop fans love the idea of queer/non-cis idols, but hate the reality of them actually existing.” Proven all the more, because Felix has also said he has a type in men and women, which people have staunchly decided was nothing more than a joke, despite the context showing it wouldn’t make sense due to him being unaware he was being recorded.

So yeah, you know… seems like Felix is probably very likely somewhere on the queer spectrum, and is fine with that, but it’s fans both of him and not, who simply can’t accept what’s being offered. It’s all fun and games to these people when male idols in particular are written into their favorite fan fic roles, but once these same men vocalize their attraction to men in real life or showcase how accurate fics were in describing them as “Babygirl” or non-binary, it’s suddenly too much. It’s unrealistic to take as the truth, because South Korea is apparently the Mecca of queerphobia, to the point where actual queer people do not exist.

According to idol fans at least. Fuck the real life queer people living in the country fighting for their rights. Fuck the extremely few out queer idols who have said plenty of other idols are queer (which is a given). And especially fuck the idols themselves who have said they have been or are attracted to men and women. And we can’t forget he to say fuck the idols who have stated they like that their gender or presentation of self attracts all genders, or leads to them being assumed queer or non-binary. None of those people matter, because FANS have decided they’re not real😌

[loserspride]

05/18-06/01/2025

For ease of access, in this post I talk about — The Quick and the Dead, Don't Take it Personally, I Just Don't Like You: The Camping Trip, Everyone Is Going To Die, 825 Forest Road, Wolf Children, The Woman Who Stole Fingers and Popeye The Slayer Man.

I said last time that I wouldn't put off doing these reviews anymore so I wouldn't end up having to review a million things again and then I immediately fucked that up again. Bleh. Let's get on with it.

The Quick and the Dead

The Quick and The Dead is an extremely stupid fun movie. It centers Sharon Stone as Ellen, a mysterious Gunslinger who makes an equally mysterious appearance at the town of Redemption, which is currently being run by John Herod - a guy an outlaw who has self-appointed himself mayor. She joins a fastdraw competition being held by Herod, promising a big cash prize - but it's pretty apparent she's not at all interested in that prize. We get to know some fellas around the town as the story progresses - Leonardo DiCaprio as Herod's son fighting his way out of his dad's shadow and Tobin Bell as ... a doctor, I think? were the two that got me to do the

but Gene Hackman is also in this, playing Herod. Oh, yeah - Russell Crowe is in it as well playing an outlaw who used to work for Herod now turned anti-violence Priest.

The story is very much lacking any sort of emotional depth - rife with unexplored and ham-fisted romance, an unfortunately hilarious vengeance origin story and very sad, inconsistencies in characterization and failed attempts at building tension and drama. The characters are very interesting at first glance but they are all extremely one dimensional, some even bordering racist caricatures. It's a bit of a bummer but not exactly anything new in the Western genre.

What I'll give this movie though is that it is so much fun. The way it's shot is just ... spectacular. It definitely screams "I just graduated Film School and I'm busting out all the neat tricks I learned" and while a lot of people have gripes with that, I personally found it extremely charming. There is a scene where a guy gets shot straight through the head and the bullet leaves a hole big enough that you can clearly see the shooter straight through it. I am talking MASSIVE, by the way. Like Gene Hackman launched a fucking pool ball through his skull. It's unrealistic and stupid and it's so fucking good. I think that this is something that kind of sets this movie apart from what we usually see in the genre, which is that it knows it's kind of stupid and it's fine with that.

I thought that Russel Crowe's character, Cort, was fascinating. A man who turned his back to his life of crime and violence and took on the cloth to take care of orphans and praise God or whatever. What's sort of funny to me about him is that he has been taken captive by Herod, who is angry with him over his new lifestyle choices (an anger bordering on hilarious obsession). The orphans he was taken care of? They were all killed. He does not seem all that beat up about it, to be honest with you guys. And his life of peace and anti-violence? He kind of just gives up on all that eventually. It made me think about a manga I like called Vinland Saga where the character actually makes a vow to be anti-violent and sticks through it, no matter what. And how much more interesting Cort as a character could have been (especially in this genre) if he was just even a little consistent.

The last thing I will talk about for this movie is that (if you haven't all guessed it yet) wants to kill Herod. It's why she's come to town and why she's joined the competition. Why is this? Well, because like ... twenty years ago or something, this used to be her hometown and her dad was the sheriff - at least until Herod showed up. So that's the big reveal, right? Herod ran her and her family out of town? Or he killed her dad and she managed to get away maybe? Well, the latter is closer but not quite. While he does string up her dad to be hung, she runs in and pleads for his life. Herod gives her a gun, tells her that if she manages to shoot through his rope and free him - he'd spare them. This was when I turned to my partner and jokingly went, "And then she shoots him in the head."

And then she shoots him in the head.

I couldn't even tell you how long I laughed for over that. Anyway, it was a fun and silly watch. I really enjoyed it.

Don't Take It Personally, I Just Don't Like You: The Camping Trip

Right off the bat, I want to clarify (in case I haven't mentioned it before) but I do not like it when people add their demos to charity bundles. To me, it feels like you are using a charitable cause as promotion instead of actually wanting to contribute your work to something meaningful. It feels sleazy. There have been a few other people who have done this in this bundle (itch.io's Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality) but that was before I started doing these reviews so alas.

Anyway, that being said - I'm going to make this quick and to the point. I did not like this game. The art is rough to look at. The people I was streaming it to could literally identify what Danganronpa sprites the in-game sprits were ripping off. I think the backgrounds were fine but those were mostly just photos with filters over them so I don't think that really counts personally. The art isn't the worst of it, though. Visual Novels are an interesting genre to me because you'd think they'd have really good writing most of the time because that is the main focus of the game, right? That the gameplay is pretty much entirely made up of reading. But that's just not true. I think a lot of inexperienced writers who have not found what does and doesn't work for them specifically in writing, try to jazz up their amateur writing by making it into a Visual Novel in hopes that it can get some eyes on it from just its existence as a VN.

Anyway, this is one that feels like that.

You talk about nothing. You talk in circles. I only played through to the end of the demo because I was convinced that something interesting was bound to happen at some point but nothing ever does. Demos are supposed to make you want to play a game. This demo made me want to never touch anything ever made by this creator ever again out of fear of getting stuck in another hours-long cycle of nothing. None of the relationships in this game feel real. Everyone is weird and does not behave like a normal person.

Okay, let me take a second to just give a brief synopsis. And it will be brief because, again - nothing happens.

You play as MC, who is currently in a will-they-won't-theyship with Rose - a goodie-two shoes who you go to college with. You are going on a camping trip with your friends - Maria, a homeless alcoholic, and Todd, Maria's best friend who is going through a break-up or some shit and ends up not coming on the trip. Because Todd doesn't come on the trip, you are now stuck going with two insane people who are supposed to be your love interests. Except you spend the whole time walking on eggshells because they are both extremely insufferable and get unbearable offended and jealous any time you even breathe in the other's direction.

No one acts like this! And people who do, probably don't get invited to a whole lot of camping trips.

For example - there is a point where you can either choose to sit with Rose and make-out or go help Maria in the woods find the lighter she dropped so that you guys can get a fire going. What would you do? Realistically? Go help Maria, right? WRONG. Rose will never forget this. You cheating whore. Like, it is actually crazy. The whole thing is like this. If you side with one person in a disagreement, you may as well just fuck them right here and now.

Just, completely insufferable.

The game calls itself a "lofi" game. What the fuck is a lofi game? Lofi is a type of music and while the game admittedly has lofi tracks playing throughout it (not that many, to be honest), what makes the game itself lofi? It doesn't even fit with what people consider a "lofi" aesthetic. People associate lofi with comfort, warmth, coziness. You know, "Lofi beats to study to"? The point is that it helps you relax so you can concentrate. This game is the opposite of that in every way. It's just awful. Not the worst in this bundle, shockingly, but I did not have a good time with it at all outside of occasional bursts of hysteria over someone saying something totally ridiculous or whatever. Not good.

Everyone Is Going To Die

Trigger warning — I will be talking about a scene in this movie depicting a rape which results in pregnancy in no specific detail.

Let's imagine a scenario. You are a teenage girl who has been raped and you find out you are pregnant. What are your next steps?

A. Tell a trusted friend or family member for advice

B. Tell a doctor/therapist/other health expert and ask for resources

C. Go to the police

D. Follow through with the pregnancy and raise that child telling her how she came to be. Show up to your rapist's house twenty-something years later on his (not your) daughter's birthday and hold the two of them hostage, going through his belongings and traumatizing his other daughter by showing him that he likes sex toys (?) and barely legal porn. Refuse to elaborate the entire time why you're here or what the point of it is. Try and demean him for fighting you to defend himself and his daughter (because he doesn't recognize who you are or what your history with him is so he just thinks you are trying to rob him) and try to make this all about like, feminism or something. Kill his girlfriend again, for like, feminism or something. Then in a very clever (sarcasm) play-within-a-play scenario, have your daughter force him at gunpoint to recreate the night he beat and raped you in front of his daughter. Get it, because now he's the one getting raped and rape is good and empowering as long as it's happening to bad people, apparently. And then once it's done, have your daughter kill you ??? And then ... profit?????? I guess????

E. Get an abortion

If you are a man and you want to make a movie centered around rape, misogyny and mental heath - is it too much to ask that you make the bare minimum effort to treat women like actual human beings and have some basic fucking human empathy?

I don't want to talk about this movie anymore. It's bad. It sucks. It pretends to care about rape victims, about children born of rape, about trauma, about women and it's just self-masturbatory bullshit. It's so self-masturbatory that the fucking director gave himself a cheeky four star review for it on Letterboxd.

I don't know what's more embarrassing - this or making your account, where you catalogue and review movies, publicly affiliated with you, as a director of a really terrible fucking movie. You ranked actual films, like legitimate movies, like Saltburn, The Substance, Challengers - lower than your own movie. YOU GAVE NOPE TWO STARS? The audacity actually made me laugh out loud. Christ.

825 Forest Road

I watched this movie shortly after watching Everyone is Going to Die and I enjoyed it but I can't tell if that's just because I had watched a significantly worse movie before this one so anything would've been better. The story centers two siblings - Chuck and Elizabeth and Chuck's girlfriend, Maria as they all move to a new town after Chuck and Elizabeth's mother dies in a car accident, an accident Elizabeth survives. They are hoping for a new start but unfortunately move into spooky scary house. This house is haunted by the mother a child who committed suicide decades prior due to incessant bullying. This woman ... also killed herself, I think? I'm not going to lie, this movie is kind of boring most of the time so it's hard to stay engaged most of the time so bare with me. Anyway, legend has it that now that ghost makes other people kill themselves so they suffer like her daughter suffered.

Except for that she doesn't? I don't think anyone in this movie actually dies until near to the end and the ghost lady just straight up kills them herself. Not much of a suicide. We hear a lot about suicides but there aren't any like - Truth or Dare or Smile type incidents where someone is possessed and kills themselves nor is there a situation where someone is so scared they feel pressured to do it? It was just a bit ... odd.

I think the only thing I actually like about this movie, which is apparently contentious, is that it is shot like mostly over the scope of the same time period but each chapter follows a different perspective from the main three - with the end of each chapter nudging the story along a bit more than the last. I thought it was fun. Maybe I'm just nosy but I like to see what everyone's up to, y'know? I thought that was fun, though it probably has been done before? Maybe better? IDK. This is my first time seeing something like that, though, and I thought it was neat. Nothing else about the movie really stands out though, unfortunately.

Oh, right! Look at this tap water the character Chuck pours for his piano student to drink! Like, I am not drinking that shit.

Wolf Children

I've been meaning to watch Wolf Children for a while now. It's a classic, feels almost like everyone else on the planet's already watched it. Anyway, the stars finally aligned.

The story centers Hana, a woman that falls in love with a Wolf Man. The two get swept up in a whirlwind romance, moving in together and starting a family. This is, unfortunately, shortlived when suddenly this unnamed Wolf Man is swept up in a flash flood and dies. It's pretty unceremonious. As he dies in his wolf form, he is treated by the city like a dead animal and is just thrown in the trash. Hana never gets a goodbye, no closure, and now she has to raise two wolf children all by herself. It's such a deeply sweet story with an emphasis on community, coming of age, finding one's purpose.

I could honestly go on forever about the things I like about this movie but I have two more movies to cover and I've been working on this post for like three hours now so I am going to keep it brief and instead implore you to check it out if you haven't already. It's got an amazing score. The art is totally captivating. The emotion runs so strong in this film - the fear strikes deep, the sadness makes your heart sink into your stomach and there are moments so full of joy that my eyes tear up just thinking about it. The voice acting, I have to say, is divine - especially with the kiddos. I love all the side characters we meet, I love how rural life is painted, I love how much this movie wrestles with itself.

And man, can this movie do like slice-of-life day-by-day montages. How do make doing laundry and cooking dinner feel desirable and nostalgic and sweet? It gives so much intimacy and respect to these little moments, to these relationships.

That all being said, though - I can't help but mourn a bit that some aspects of it fall a bit flat, specifically when it comes to Hana and Yuki (Hana's daughter). For about the first two-thirds of this movie, the emphasis seems to be very much on Hana's relationship with Wolf Man and her raising these children but about midway through the second-third of this movie, the kids start to go to school and such and the attention shifts mostly on them - especially as it's clear that they are both choosing to pursue different lives. Only a lot of that attention seems to be on Ame (Hana's son) and not all that much on Yuki. Don't get me wrong, we do get scenes with Yuki and all but Yuki's character arc does not come anywhere near in terms of development to Ame. Ame's story essentially takes up the entire ending, which ends up sidelining Yuki. Which is insane given that Yuki is the one narrating the entire story.

And then there's Hana who, while I really like, really feels like she just sort of exists to be a Mother and nothing else. I know it feels weird to say in a movie about motherhood but woman can be mothers and also have lives outside of motherhood. It just sort of feels like she was just there to give birth to these two and then cling on to being a mother when the two are getting older and moving on with their lives and then once they both take their paths in life (which ftr consists of them essentially leaving her behind), she just kind of sits there. Like, IDK if I'm explaining myself well but it just feels like the two main women/girl characters in this do not get the full emotional character arc that the one boy character does. And I thought that it kind of sucked seeing Hana in this house all by herself at the end, already a memory to both Yuki and Ame at that point. The movie was treating like growing up meant never talking to your family again or something. IDK how to explain it atp. It was just weird.

Anyway, yeah. Some narrative hiccups to me, just a couple of things that didn't really sit well but ultimately, I really loved this movie. It was sweet and I'm glad I finally got around to watching it.

The Woman Who Stole Fingers

This was an animated horror short! You can actually watch it here on Youtube. (TW for body horror and possible implied parental abuse.)

It is a story that relies more on implication and metaphor, centering a son and his mother. What can be taken from the short, it really just is in the eye of the beholder. I spent quite some time reading through reviews about this short and it's truly left an impression on most people who've checked it out - what I'd call unfortunately relatable. I've chosen to view the story as that of an overbearing mother who sabotages any attempt her son makes at independence. Is it because she only finds purpose in being a mother? Because she's grown far too attached to him? Because she's scared he isn't ready to be part of the world, that he'll never be? I don't know but it's a film that stays with you.

A film with incredibly striking art and a disturbing premise. I'm not too sure but I think the animation style is painting on glass, which is just amazing to watch in action. I haven't seen a lot of stuff like this before but the sort of cloudiness and splotchiness it adds to the atmosphere of the short really keeps you feeling incredibly unsettled throughout. I'd love to snoop out more animation like this some time. The absence of music also feeds into this sense of total isolation and dread. There are still sound effects but everything still feels like it's in a bubble. Most sounds come from the characters alone, except for in the one scene where the boys misbehaves and releases his mother's hand to run out of the yard. In that scene, we hear the wind. A sense almost of freedom in the moment. And then, silence again.

The body horror in it is stomach twisting. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth as all you can really do is watch on helplessly.

It's a great short and it's only four minutes! I highly recommend it.

Popeye The Slayer Man

Okay, last review for this batch! I was in the mood for some B-Rated horror so I decided to check this thang out. The whole topic of horror movies exploiting children's media falling into public domain is a bit contentious but my two cents is that, I don't care if people do it! I just want to see a good movie. If you don't want your kids to see it, then don't show it to them. It's not like any of these movies are hitting theaters. Lol. Anyway, that all being said - this movie isn't very good.

The movie centers a group of teenagers that go into an old spinach factory in order to research and investigate the rumors about a spirit haunting the grounds known as Popeye the Sailor Man. The big plot twist is that it's not a ghost, Popeye is a man who has gone insane after his wife, Olive Oyl, went missing after she whistleblew about a spinach contamination at the factory. For some reason, he ate a bunch of this contaminated spinach and it's made him even more insane. Also it turns out, one of the girls in the group (the more secretive of the bunch) reveals herself at the end to be Popeye's missing daughter and she sort of just like. Talks at him to get him to stop killing people. After he's already killed a bunch of people. Like, it's a bit late for that, huh?

Anyway, the rest in bullet points because my fingers are going numb,

What is the point of using Popeye as a slasher if you're not going to do anything interesting or referential with the character? And that being said, the kills in this movie are just .. boring. If you'd replaced Popeye with like, any other guy, nothing would really change. Like, all slashers have a schtick, right? Freddy takes you into his nightmare world or whatever, Jigsaw puts you in a contraption. Popeye doesn't really do anything that makes him stand out from like Random Killer That's Kind of Strong or whatever. Which is just a total waste. I will give them that there are some fun callbacks to the cartoon. There's a funny reference to Wimpy, for example. It's stupid but it's camp and that's what I love about stuff like that. I wish it had more stuff like that in it.

The way characters know that Popeye is near is that they can smell his pipe smoke, which means that we consistently get a lot of "Do you smell that? It's pipe smoke" which, can someone explain to me what the difference between pipe smoke any any other tobacco product smoke is? Anyway, it's obvious they're only saying that for the audience which is annoying. If only Popeye had some other identifiable trait about him that the audience and characters could use to track his movements that would also be very funny and perfect to use in a horror movie about Popeye.

I can't help but notice that the person that gets the most violent death in this movie is the only woman of color in it. There's also one black guy in it and Popeye is so deadset on killing him (even though there are like six other people running around the factory begging to get slashed), that he follows him like several yards away from the factory to do it after he runs away. Kind of funny in that I have to laugh kind of vibe.

There is a point at the end of the movie where a police detective goes "Popeye the Sailor man? More like Popeye the Slayer man" which was hilarious and also this reminded me that when I first told my partner the title of this movie, they thought it was about Popeye in drag so ... Any ladies interested?

I also love this scene where this security guy hired to keep squatters away from the abandoned factory goes looking for a suspected intruder (spoiler: it's Popeye) and he picks up a wrench at one point and he does that thing where he like taps it against his palm menacingly but they are like the lightest little taps ever and so extremely hilariously unintimidating.

Why is Popeye killing people that go to the factory? If his goal is to expose that his wife went missing because she uncovered shady business at the factory, would you not want to draw attention to it in a way that doesn't cause literally anyone who can speak to the spinach contamination to die? I'm NGL, I am mostly guessing what his goal is though. The movie is just not very clear on any of that.

Speaking of the spinach contamination, the contaminated spinach literally glows green. Someone had to whistleblow that something was up with it? Really?

Okay, last point because I really just am over talking about this movie at this point is that there's a guy in this movie that looks weirdly like younger Steve Carrel and another guy in this movie that looks kind of like younger/no beard/long hair Oscar Isaac and it was weirding me out the entire time. Maybe I'm insane.

Anyway. Okay, that's it. Bye.