#because no one knew I had ADHD
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âŚ. Honestly I had never thought of this before this morning but âŚ
When I was a kid Iâd definitely rip through books like no oneâs business. Even when watching TV became a thing in my life like ⌠Iâd read books. Why? Because back in ye olden days, we didnât have easy access to bingeable shows. Shit came out piecemeal, episode by episode and the whole concept of just releasing a season in one go was unheard of. So when the show I was hyper fixated on ended I would be like âAAAAAA CANâT WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODEâ then flipped through a bunch of other channels and realized everything else was boring and then either grabbed a book and went outside to build forts in the woods.
Obviously if a series has been out for a while you could find it online through legal or slightly less legal methods and watch it in one go. Which I definitely did. But I was young and poor and didnât want to risk getting like malware on my computer.
And I could be misremembering things but really I feel like the tipping point was when I got to college and I suddenly had unfettered access to my iPhone. In high school, I had an iPhone for my senior year but it was high school and I was a goody two shoes and scared of consequences. Use of phones was not allowed during school hours and the vice principle put the fear of god in me so I never used it. (Still pissed that she reamed me out for doing my stats homework in comp sci when I had already finished my assignment in that class and the teacher had kinda tacitly told me it was cool for me to work on other shit while people were finishing up)
But college? Hoooo boy.
Especially since iPhones were starting to get these fun things called apps
Specifically gaming apps. Like Clash of Clans.
Anyway I think that was the main turning point from me pivoting from reading a fuck ton of books to just being glued to my screen. I found a new way to hit up that dopamine dispenser.
So no⌠the iPhone nor TV made me ADHD. I was already ADHD since childhood when I didnât even get access to a PC let alone a phone until like middle school. If yâall want to know how bad it got - the reason I never did my homework? The reason I procrastinated on doing an important project?
It was because I had my nose in a book.
My mom literally took my books away from me because I was reading them instead of doing my homework assignments. I distinctly remember a time in middle school when I was reading Order of the Phoenix (yeah I know but we didnât know what we knew now about her) instead of doing work on my National History Day project and my mom like stormed into my room and yelled at me for it.
Like ⌠phones were not the problem here. Screens were not the problem here. My brain chemistry was definitely the issue.
#adhd#my momâs not a bad person she just was very concerned about me literally flunking out of school#which I was very close to doing multiple times because I didnât get any extra help#because no one knew I had ADHD
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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#neurodivergent#adhd#autism#audhd#stimming#Iâm a jumper personally. I jump. I wear jumpers. Iâm a jumper#Never knew I was. I avoided jumping when I was a kid because when I jumped it shook the whole house#because of all the old furniture#and I donât like being the source of loud noises#But now that I live in my own apartment that doesnât do that; I jump whenever I damn well please and itâs wonderful#I also will rock myself to EXHAUSTION in a rocking chair#and I roll myself with my arms while sitting on a skateboard in my living room while listening to a music box#sometimes I hold it right up to my ear#Anyway the jumping makes sense because as a baby according to my parents Iâd kick a âkicky toyâ for HOURS and HOURS#and I had one of those baby bouncer things where the baby is in the middle and can bounce and spin around#with a whole bunch of toys around the baby#and every time my parents brought that thing out baby me would start straight up vibrating#I always go for the rocking chair in any room Iâm in and prefer ledges to chairs otherwise because I can dangle my legs
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8 for the ask game?
8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in
;w;
#all of them#honestly if youve followed me for like a year you've probably seen a trend of me starting projects and then immediately losing interest#I try so hard tho#one day i'll find a mental process that's rewarding#adhd sucks when it comes to doling out the dopamine for finished projects#I do feel bad about the Skeleton War blog I abandoned#cause I KNEW I wasn't gonna be able to keep it up but I still fuckin started it anyway because I knew people would like it#and it WAS fun!#but also at the time i had a full time job with a 40 minute commute#by the time I got home it felt like another job orz#ANYWAY#if ya'll have stuck around regardless of me dropping my projects over and over#thank you from the bottom of my heart#I hope one day I can provide something finished#askgame#asks#G muses
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So like nearly a year ago I'd lost these two hand-made hand puppet's I'd made and took to a convention. Thought that was it, I was sad but like, what can you do about it.
GUESS WHO MET THE PERSON WHO FOUND THEM
#FATE STRIKES AGAIN#I didnt remember this person but they knew ME. Bless other people's ability to remember things like faces and events.#A part of me was relieved I'd lost the puppets because one of the puppets rolled its head off at night because I was sad about--#the death of a friend and I'd asked for a sign and then heard a noise but my adhd had made me zone out by the minute that had passed by--#but then I got up the next morning to find the head of one of them on the floor#and I was like OKAY#Anyway im still glad to have my puppets back :))#note says things
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Meeting someone else with a shared special interest is wild because youâre either going to spend hours talking or youâre going to get into a fight
#emma posts#my autism#my adhd#the drama#or complete lack of it#itâs a toss up#this is how it feels to use Reddit tbh#thereâs a reason i only open it a few times a month#but this was also a bit close to what being in knowledge bowl felt like#or maybe more accurately your favorite class#or a sleepover with that other autistic kid that also loved (insert shared interest)#the knowledge bowl example wasnât quite the same because the in the team I worked best on we all had extensive knowledge in different areas#the team I worked worst on was in the first year I tried it. I was the youngest and only one other person there really knew me#and we had an awkward history. so I wasnât taken seriously#and sometimes the person with the tense relationship would intentionally convince the other kids to do the opposite of what i said#which would end badly since Iâm obsessed with many of the topics I chimed in on#and thus knew the answers to most đ I quit that year#and i didnât try to join again until senior year. my classmates took me seriously and I got put on a team without past drama#one of the people was my own cousin and luckily one I have a good history with đ
#people say if I loved it so much itâs a shame I didnât do it sooner. but that other person was a year older and would have probably kept#doing what caused the problem. plus I was more exhausted
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godddd there are so many things happening in my life that i know will eventually fix me. i am so excited to live the life i am cultivating for myself and just so happy i get to be here
#i just feel so. able. like i am able to do so much if i just give myself a little time#but yeah basically i'm starting the process to get diagnosed with adhd. we been knew for years but because of said adhd#i've been putting it offđ¤ and the process will take months or years who knows but it's good to know i am finally committing to it#i also got a bike and had a very intense day of learning how to drive it in traffic. BUT i got over the initial anxiety and turns out#i'm really good at it!!! AND it's so much fun to ride it ofc cars scare me but there's a million other paths i can take. AND IT'S HEALTHY#also i will go back to working hybrid and i know most people would hate that but i think it's going to be good for me#i love the banter in the office and one of my coworkers is literally a close friend at this point. i just feel so content.#this is the right path. i just know it.#m.txt
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not to talk shop on a wednesday morning but I feel like every therapist says they have experience treating adhd but theyâre not reallyâŚ. all that experienced. or at least not experienced with people who are out of highschoolâŚ..
#like I feel like they HAVE to say it but how many adult women with adhd have they treated#I had a counselor (I know itâs different) from my school that I was talking to abt things#and I was like Iâm always late because I just donât feel the clock ticking down like everyone else#and she knew I like actionable soulutions so (god bless her) she was like why donât you have an alarm for each of your activities in the#morning. like one for brushing your teeth and one for eating breakfast#and I was like Janet that a good idea but having thirty alarms blaring at me first thing in the morning would send me to the grave <3#I donât blame her she was literally a fellow student but Iâm like đ¤ about these professionals#squawk tag#idk what the way forward is except to just try a bunch out until I find one that knows jwjsjdjd#which I guess is just how it works in general Nevermind KAKSKKSKS#oh my god itâs wonho Wednesday đł
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did you guys know that it takes a lot of time to write at least 50 pages
#in case you didn't know#and your thesis was also due on friday#i don't know if i'm slowly going insane or achieving a level of peace i've never known before#at the same time#i'm so tempted to just turn it in and to never talk to my advisors again because i'm sure i will at least pass like my code works#and i have barely 50 pages#but i also promised one advisor that i will present my work in a transregional research group why did i do that#i swear if i survive the next two days i will make an adhd testing appointment there is something wrong with me i have no concept of time#which i always knew but it was managable before the pandemic took any daily structure i had đđ#<- sorry for typing this all up but i can text a version of this only so often to my friends
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I think it's really important to know that the length of someone's list of diagnoses is generally based on that person consciously deciding how to present it. Like for me I can generally "summarize" with 2-5 labels. I almost never need to list a huge number because not every symptom set is relevant in every situation! It varies greatly based on:
The context of the conversation (I'm going to give a somewhat different list when discussing mental health and neurodivergence than I would talking about chronic illness and healthcare experiences)
Other people's probable knowledge (when talking to other people with Tourette's, I might specify diagnosis change between chronic motor tic disorder and Tourette's syndrome because it has some meaning, but with laypeople I generally just say I have Tourette's; conversely, someone who doesn't have autism might need to have alexithymia specifically explained, while a fellow autistic person may not)
Depth of conversation (if we're getting into specifics I'll likely list specific diagnoses and issues or may briefly mention symptom sets as they become relevant, but if the topic is only brought up in passing I'll use broad terms)
How comfortable I am with the person (I'll sometimes avoid details, specific diagnoses or symptom sets, or listing "too many" things if I don't know the person well or I'm not comfortable giving out that much information)
How well the person already knows me (I might tell a classmate that my neuro issues are acting up, but be more specific with friends about sensory processing, dissociation, thought stopping, etc. because they already know the broader issues they're part of; conversely, I might tell a person I don't know well that I'm having sensory processing issues, but tell friends just that "it's an ADHD/autism day" because they'll know the greater list of what I'm describing)
Those people with huge lists of things are consciously choosing to list that many, and it's usually because it's relevant to the communication
Putting a "little things included" list in their bio to meet people who are similar to them
Talking about comorbidities
Specific disorders or quantity/type of issues is relevant to their life or healthcare experiences
Making a point that this space is going to focus on their disability experiences
Heading off "so what exactly is wrong?" questions or trying to avoid later accusations of suddenly lying because something wasn't disclosed
Weeding out people who will be unpleasant to be around, judgemental about health issues, or just "won't get it"
The difference between "long list of problems" and "short list of problems" is less about how many problems they have and more about how specific they're choosing to be
#long post#m/cc#mine#this is something I've been thinking about for a while. if I listed every health label I have it would be incredibly long#because you can stretch it to include everything that could be individually diagnosed#if I tally things up I can easily get to 17 and I'm sure I could make it more#but I list things as they're relevant so it doesn't come up#and some I just don't bring up at all because I'm not out about having them#one disorder comes with a subset of five associated disorders because disorders are just terms for symptom sets#getting a new label for me at this point is usually just 'term for symptoms within another disorder I already knew I had'#e.g. I knew I had autism/ADHD but did not know I had aphantasia or dyscalculia#I knew I had aphantasia and visual snow but didn't know that's not just the standard experience#anyway. yeah#just something that comes to mind when I actually have to list out all medical issues (e.g. for a new doc)
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In other news Odile crashed my game during her friend quest. Smiles in pain.
#rat rambles#stars posting#I just want to get to act 4 alreadyyyyyy#I have. plans.#and while I know theres more stuff I can do rn in act 3 I would rather save most of it for later#anyways. time to hope I saved before starting the family quests#odile saw I was trying to speedrun everyone's dialogue and said nuh uh try again#also Im glad I got the coin scene like the absolute millisecond act 3 started I was worried Id have to sit around for forever#speaking of the coin I got a fun glitch with it earlier#I was near the favor tree and got the coin dialogue where a glitch rewind effect happens#and the tree jumpscared the hell out of me by suddenly getting stretched out and huge covering most of the screen#I had to walk out and back into the are to fix it it covered like half the area#it genuinely slightly scared me for the split second that it wasnt obviously a glitch lol#gotta love the universe breaking itself to try to keep itself together#one thing that did surprise me is just how much optional content I've never seen before there is#I knew there was stuff that most ppl who play the game dont ever see but I guess I forgot most ppl dont obsessively shove their faces into#walls until smth happens#love making my sif grapple with his lost past the absolute millisecond I am allowed to every time a new scene is opened up to me#the lost contry scenes are all easily my favorite scenes in the game and its honestly not even close#theyre both very important to me and also just incredibly well written and interesting#its low key what boosted sif from being a character I have a complicated relationship with to character I adore#to be clear the complicated stuff is all in the rest of the self recognition I face when I see him spiral#you see jackie is recognition through the other (derogatory) but like in a god damnit you have adhd dont you sorta way#while sif is more like. hoo boy. uh oh.#which is ironic because jackie is the one of the two whos actually a terrible person lol#you see I like picking her apart while with sif it feels like theyre picking me apart which is significantly more uncomfortable#I forgives them I just need to not think abt them for too long at any given time or I start feeling depressed lol
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riz gukgak the type of âthe end justifies the meansâ guy whoâs gotten real lucky that so far the best possible means to his ends have happened to mostly align themselves to the side of overall good
#maybe im being too cynical but im not trying to be im just so deeply intrigued by this guy .#does this make sense . it makes sense to me . like his means have been mostly good (as vague as that can be) but thatâs because they were#the smartest course of action . explodes and dies#im obsessed with him truly . terrible time to get obsessed with a new blorbo i literally have four essays due still#that one meme where itâs like âIâm probably x but i got college so i donât have time for itâ but the adhd is forcing me to hyperfixate anw#god im sooo . im so . anyone else think about the scene in hell with kalina . anyone think about when fig asked him what was up he didnât#answer her . because he knew if he did heâd lose his in with kalina . and then he went off with her without telling anyone#because she had something he wanted and he was prepared to do incredibly dumb shit for . anyone think about how she saw enough of something#within him to try and tempt him to join her side . anyone think about when biz did the same thing in s1 . what would have happened if siding#with those two as means to his desired end Had been the smarter more logical choice . huh . anyone think about that#like it would come into conflict with his other values like how much he cares for his friends . but there WOULD be a conflict . and thatd be#juicy af#im going to collapse into a heap . 2:30 am and this is only the tip of the riz thoughts iceberg#this is pretty isnât pretty olivia rodrigoâs fault . fuck#jay rambles#my random posting probably seems deranged like why this bitch posting about fhigh all of a sudden 𤨠<- put it on in the bg while doing uni#work and got far far too invested
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The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.
I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.
And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!
We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.
There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.
Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.
Except...
I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.
I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.
The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.
Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".
There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.
And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.
His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.
I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.
That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.
I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.
Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.
Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.
If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.
It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.
I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.
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I may do some shitty things, but I am definitely far from being an actually shitty person
#like the shitty thing I do is literally having an overload shutdown bc I didnât handle my mental health and emotions like I shouldâve#or like not telling a partner that I had weird feelings/a whole situation based on false pretenses with someone I considered a friend#mind you I considered them a friend AFTER the weird situation and they lied to me too for that even to happen#doesnât excuse my not saying it but still I was just ashamed of my stupid past bc I am socially inept sometimes. itâs the autism and adhd#but like it was nothing that affected the present at that time for me and was more shame on my end bc I saw things that werenât there#and followed an expectation that other people had of me#but the shitty things done to me?#try them (my ex) trying to fool around with this person#knowing one theyâre married two I warned them about them and three told them my exes did that to me#AFTER the break up#they couldâve literally fucked around with anyone else and it wouldnât have just idk⌠it wouldâve still hurt because she said I was the one#but it wouldnât have been a full betrayal#but to then go all revisionist history on everything and lie to not only me but that person about whatâs going on/what went on?#girl. be an adult. weâre adults here.#but I digress I still love this person and thatâs foolish of me#because I know just who they are â but I always knew and accepted that#shut up pls dex
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aghhh man. i've been. doing barely any art lately.
#đŞ.text#i haven't drawn anything in like 2 weeks#i started the year off strong#january i had a lot#february i did okay#and then it just went downhill from there huh#this combo of having so little energy lately + adhd meds that don't work as well as the old ones is. not good.#and i know part of this is because both my adopt shops on fr are closed and so is my art shop on pce#but that was something i knew i needed to do because i've not been in a good mental state for like.... most of the past several months#and i needed a break#and now time is just flying and it's been a lot longer than i thought it'd be#and i've been too busy to be able to. y'know. get that mental state actually looked at and shit#and try to get on some actual antidepressants or something#and so they're still closed and i am just. doing fuck all.#like i guess i'll draw again eventually??#everything is just all over the place right now#i think maybe i should at least try upping the dose on my vyvanse#maybe that'll be more effective#i still have some of my old pills left but i don't have those with me#my focus has just really not been great ever since switching#but i don't really have a choice in the matter because there's a shortage of shit right now#and this is all we can get#it just. does not work as well
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I got saddled with the "gifted" status in... 1st grade I think? And for me personally, it rarely actually helped (though there were a couple weekend classes that were actually kinda fun in grade school, but honestly, those should've been an option for anyone who wanted to go), but rather set up a level of expectations that would cause me to burn out, hard, multiple times in middle and high school.
Y'all ever heard the "if only you applied yourself" bit? Yeah, me to! Constantly. If I was not getting an A in all subjects, I'd be "we're not mad, but we know you can do better". Then! Years later! When I'm finally making some progress in letting myself do less than perfect without a terrible level of guilt, I get diagnosed with ADHD, and guess what! My Mother Knew And Didn't Tell Me. Like that wouldn't fuck some serious shit up for me.
Anyway, yeah. "gifted".
ohhhhh I get it now. the "gifted kid" discourse exists because people see it fundamentally as a sign of Privilege and not as a largely meaningless category that puffs up weird children before setting them up for the same unremarkable lives as everyone else; thus they interpret people going "the educational system gave me false expectations before ultimately abandoning me to the same heartless world as everyone else" as "why am I, The Main Character, not getting everything I ever wanted."
#I had spent all that time self flagellating for not being able to 'apply myself' like she wanted#and because she has ADHD herself she knew that I probably had it too#And yet she never thought for even a second that maybe telling me#that I had a condition that would affect almost every part of my fucking life would perhaps help me#Can you tell that I'm still ungodly levels of salty about this years later?#Call me the dead sea I'm so salty#Still probably one of the biggest betrayals in my life#And one of my oldest friendships ended with them telling me they didn't want to see me anymore suddenly#after years of hanging out multiple times a week
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