#because my mom is cool and normal
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nobody will ever understand the horrors of being 15 admitting you have a girlfriend to your parents because of a public scandal and getting textbook homophobia from your father "you are mistaking friendship for love and attraction we've all had a very intense same sex relationship as teenagers but you'll grow out of it" being like "we had sex yesterday we have sex regularly" and getting"yeah so did I but then I moved and married your mom" EXCUSE ME???
#he acts like we never had my conversation#but worse for me was cornering my mom like 'oh yeah the peruvian dude your father fucked for three years' EXCUSE ME???#great points for bisexuality being genetic why does it have to happen to me#where's that post about the men claiming the pressure difference made him gay 😭#my dad calls it 'being friends with a gay guy' sir that was your boyfriend respect him...#asked my ex if he thought my father was bisexual once and he was like 'no that's a straight men I have to call him straight because I have#triggers from sleeping with men like that' uh do you not hear- what a terrible work everyone#somewhere in the Andes a gay man hates bisexuals with fair reasons I guess#also technically my parents AREN'T married#because my mom is cool and normal#unlike this delusional loser
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ok seriously though whoever the hell that anon is like seriously stop. i did not think? i had to say this?? but maybe don’t bring up my sexual trauma in my inbox and use that to psychoanalyze me??? because of the genre i write???? i promise you the skeleton does not care. i promise you this so hard. nobody is being traumatized or offended by this. especially not the character. i promise you cross is not offended or hurt or upset and neither is jakei. i am writing horror because it is a genre i enjoy. you have no need to pry into my personal life to ‘figure me out’ and convince me to stop writing in a very popular genre because it is weird to you or makes you uncomfortable. what makes me uncomfortable is when you try to insert yourself and act holier than thou. you are not better than me because you view the very popular genre i like as morally wrong you’re just a dick
#cw sa mention#anons off again#rant#sorry guys#genhinely it’s just. grgrgrhfh#i am sooooo tired#can people be normal for once please#i am so open about the fact i write horror#if that upsets you then please block the tags i made and shut up about it#don’t go in my inbox trying to be weird and parasocial#you are not better than me because you only enjoy it when things are happy and healthy and everything is fine and no angst!! you have no#right to tell me to enjoy characters like a ‘normal person’!!!! we all die it does not matter#nobody cares! nobody will ever care!!#‘if you showed your family-‘ my mom proofreads for me sometimes#not even kidding#my sister i force to read my stuff too but idk if she actually does#my family did not in fact send me away nor did they think i was insane#they went ok cool sounds like you#and moved on#because normal fucking people#don’t care if someone is a horror writer or writes about toxic relationships#if it was proship stuff id understand. but it is literally Just Horror Content. god
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(rant incoming)
#okay. let's process together#why did i feel so annoyed when my mom said that the pictures i was posting on insta looked a little boring?#(it's not like a picture of me it's just some book and crochet stuff(#but here's the thing. i have no idea how i'm supposed to do better than that#sometimes i'm actually enjoying myself on insta and othertimes i really feel like i am not cut out for it#cause if i'm taking a picture of something it's so people can see the thing i am taking a picture of#i 100 percent understand the mindset of wanting an aesthetic picture that looks really nice#but i usually don't know how to execute that#sometimes! but not always#usually not.#and like. in that case i would ask the people in my family who are actually good at this stuff for help?#but i want to be able to do it myself because i don't want them to have to do even more stuff for me#and yeah okay fine YES it is another taking up space thing#but like#ugh#i don't know how to fix this#instagram is kinda fun and cool but it's so not me when it comes to posts#i hate videos and pictures of myself#and visual art is not my thing#and i feel a little lost and confused and i just want people to read my book so i can make enough money that i don't have to get#a horrible normal job#and i don't want my stupid relatives to be right and i never wanted to do instagram in the first place#and the money i saved up from my old job is running out! and i'm a little scared!#and i have a wedding coming up#and stuff is just. ugh. it's not the worst but it sure ain't the best#probably i need to pray and ask God for help instead of posting on tumblr#(in my defense i wanted to process my emotions)#anyways if you made it this far pray for me?#i've been trying to not freak out about all of this for a while but it's kinda pushing its way out now#which i hate. it's just all a lot
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#bouffalant#i forgot this pokémon existed. i don't even know what type it is#ground?? ground/normal??#okay no it's just pure normal. this is like tauros's cool cousin#Tau Ross. 'cause. he has bob ross hair. :)!#did you guys know that the bob ross show was actually filmed at my alma mater#yeah. the college that i'm doing finals for Right Now. the joy of painting was filmed there i think#no one talks about it and i had to find out from random anecdotal evidence from my mom when we were on a road trip#dunno how SHE knew but no one who goes to this college ever talks about it. they only ever wanna talk about david letterman#i hate it here. so glad to be graduating soon#the only reason i'm okay with telling you all where i go to college is because as of this posting (december 13th) i will literally#be graduating in three days. that'll be commencement. which i'm not even going to because fuck commencement
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my FAV hc is that jason grows up to be identical to his mum. 100% identical. bonus if he becomes an alcoholic
#jason growing up w extensive trauma & unable to reach the 'normal' world bcs he's grown up so removed from it#but never will he ever return to new rome#grows up to have pretty bad alcohol problems (JUST LIKE HIS MOM)#also becomes a model (like his mom) because hey that's like. he's insanely attractive (like his mom) and that's a career that#Works With Alcoholism for the most part. perhaps he'll eventually try for acting (LIKE HIS MOM)#how cool is that!!!#anyway i love inflicting suffering upon him and the idea is just hhhhh#i have like a whole fic outline for this btw but i will never be able to write it </3#BUT imagine if thalia saw him like that. thalia sees him after maybe 5 6 years n he's red eyed and so disconnected from everything and#IDENTICAL to their mother who was exactly like this so thalia's first thought is BERYL GRACE#and it's like oh fuck. oh my fucking god#anyway#thalia grace#jason grace#beryl grace
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a modern human au where nothing bad ever happenned to them and they got to grow up together. I am making myself cry with this chat
#north is sad and beige and would have a stupid phone case#also i did a watermark thingy because im such a cool ans serious artist look at me#BTW !!!!! first thing im posting thats drawn on my new tablet :3#north has beige mom energy. idk how i feel about it. im just leettinf it happen#yall have no idea i am SHAKING im so normal about them#i need to get to work on. everything about this. bc i really wanna finally be able to coherebtly tell their story#im very insane about them and THE THEMES !!!!!!!#ARGHHHHH#anyways#murl draws#murls ocs#oc#my oc#oc art#art#my art#artists on tumblr#whatever other tags there are#just you wait. i will make this into something coherent#ughhhg i cant. i need to cope ok#and its smth i myself made up wtf !!!!!#imagine being separated from your sibling who is your whole world at a young age and spending the next several decades being told theyre a#a traitor and eventually hunting them down only to discover that while you werw kept in a bubble where everything stayed the same the rest#of thw world has changed so much including your sibling and you realize the only person you could rely on these past few decades has been l#lying to you and now youre completely unajusted to life and have to deal with the fact everything isnt what you thiugjt it was AND EVERYRHJ#G CHABGED IT CHANGED !!!! CHANGE IS INEVITABLE AND YOU HAVE TO FOR THE FIRST TIME VE FACED WITH LIVING FOR YOURSELF AND DISCIVERING WHO YOU#ARE AS A PERSON HHHHHHHHH I CANTTTT.#i dont event have all the names for characters yet GAHHHHH
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oops! all wips
#dndads#1st img is morgan . tried to solidify the type of person that would marry glenn & jodie and its like#manic pixie dream girl meets wife under bedsheets. fun loving carefree extremely irresponsible i imagine shes as much a bad mom as glenn is#a bad dad#close family dinner for each day of the week#i imagine its very depressing cool for kids sad for adult/college life meals#i had like a pmv/animatic of tmbg erase to nicks everything but ill never finish it sadge!#comic in the middle i was gonna do like a immediately after the final where willys defeated and schools out for summer norm and scary run#into eachother while theyre walking home#and scary would ask whats wrong and normal would be like#well knowing that the entire world ended because of me has been sort of weighing#on me yeah“ and then scary would go ”normal...do you wish that *was* the reason?“ which would lead normal getting dumbstuck cuz she hits#the nail on the hammer. and then hes incredibly defensive and hes like uh b buh NO !!! MAYBE !!! and scary would share her experience#but itd make normal more resentful cuz hed be like well it all worked out for you in the end with you and your dad and you mom who all love#you. and then scary would get irked and start to call him out but then now that the bottles been uncorked his resentment would start#spilling out.#“you burned my house down! i thought it was *my* family that had the connection with the doodler ! but why- when- ”#and normal would be so frustrated and he couldnt get his words out and hed refuse to look at scary while she looks at him w/ the hardest#look of conflicted sympathy and pain#and all she could say would be stop comparing yourself to me and shed mean that in the most compassionate way possible and norm would just#be like i know#and then the bus would come and scary would have to go but shed look back and then be like “am i still coming over saturday to play#and him busy crying would just give a thumbs up#god now that i write this out maybe i will draw it i have a little bit of time left why not#to me i think scarys someone normal would have the easiest time being mean to#one because of his latent misogyny and this like unconscious superciliousness he holds towards her yet shes the one receiving the#validation he sorely craves and knowing if theres anyone he could talk to and whos understand what hes going through its her so though he#isnt able to be emotionally vulnerable or engage in a deeper level but he does feel comfortable enough to lash out at her#last pic is if nick woke up post doodlerized and found himself on cassandras couch (where the teens placed him) and shes there to greet him
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in terms of how pervasive the fanon perception of tim drake as this neglected/borderline abused child of the horrific drake parents who are the worst human beings to ever live, i think it largely comes from the fact that i would bet money that 90% of the people perpetuating it just didn't have two parents who both worked.
#personal#the other ten percent comes from people trying to make him marginally interesting by pretending he's suffered more than jesus#(he hasn't he isn't even the character who's suffered most or second most in his own family and it also doesn't work)#(cuz he's still boring)#but like every time people bring up 'oh the drakes went on TRIPS for their JOBS how AWFUL' i give the most intense side eye#there was a period from when i was around 8 to 13 where my dad went on VERY long business trips for his work#like months long business trips#because again both my parents worked but he earned more money#or the fact that i spent a lot of summers with my sister and babysitters before my mom went into university teaching#because neither of them had the free time because they were WORKING#like i think these people just aren't used to having both mom and dad have jobs they need to do#plus the bit where they go hard on jack drake in particular makes me laugh because 'oh he stopped tim from being robin' yeah no shit!#if i found out my kid was robin i'd stop him!#a) unlike his predecessors or immediate successors tim has no internal drive that necessitates robin in his life#b) the last one very famously died! on the job! violently! and it turned batman into a crazy person!#as a parent jack drake is perfectly within his rights to not want his kid to be in very real and present danger#that's not him being abusive that's him being very normal#also i don't even get it because beyond people not understanding the concept of 'parents with jobs'#have some of you guys ever even read tim-centric pre-52 comics?#he doesn't mind his parents' work at all and he likes that his house has a bunch of cool artifacts and the way it's lowkey a museum#just make an oc at this point my god because it makes the tags and ao3 a fucking nightmare honestly
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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sometimes I cringe at having been a teenage undiagnosed manic depressive barely holding myself together with kpop videos as the mental equivalent of scotch tape like I'm not still here. I just don't subject my family to it nearly as much.
#my sister and I blast Jopping ironically and Forestella unironically#and my little cousin played us Christmas Evel so that's a seasonal staple now#but she does not allow MX because she doesn't trust ck after Love Killa#she heard Jopping in the wild in Seoul and dragged me over to listen#and tells me next time she wants to take pictures with as many cut outs of idols as possible#so we're very cool and normal but I've apologized to her for subjecting her to it#and she was like I thought you were going to confess to addiction after mom left 😭#only a couple years off in that guess but shout out to early 2010s kpop
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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There is something to be said for
“I like these clothes because they mess with your preconception of me and I want people to stop sticking me in a certain box”
vs
“I like these clothes because they make me feel more comfortable in my own skin”
and how they’re sometimes but not always the same thing
#this is about how I spent a long time admiring girls who wore more masculine clothing#because it was in your face that they weren’t going with the stereotypical ‘girly’ clothes#and spent years getting the courage to go shopping and get a men’s white button up#only to find#‘oh no I really don’t like wearing this’#not even for sensory reasons! I just. didn’t enjoy looking masculine. even though I thought it was cool.#turns out that I. being a cis girl. enjoy looking more feminine. and personally felt real uncomfy looking masculine.#but I also didn’t like the constant T-shirts or ‘nice clothes my mom picked out’ because they also didn’t make me comfy in my own skin#my mom has good taste it’s just different from my taste#she likes earth tones and flowy shapes and jeans#and it turns out that. left to my own devices. I really like skirts and bright colors and leggings and patterned pretty button ups#and how when I started buying clothes I actively liked wearing#I started putting more effort into my own hygiene#I washed my hair more often#I got hairbows#I put on deodorant more consistently and actually cut my nails at a normal time#weird#shocking even#and this is not to say clothes are everything or that I wasn’t happy before that#it just. I used to hate clothes shopping with a fury and passion and now it’s like. I can handle it. because I can use sensory accommodation#and I actually know what I want
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Frustrated that she keeps telling me all this shit under the guise of "being worried about me" & "trying to help". Like i never asked for any help and have told her outright shit like this actively hurts me first and foremost. and number 2 maybe instead of worrying about how fat i am, you worry abt the fact that i wanna kill myself on the worst days and can barely drag my ass out of bed on the best. But no the biggest problem here is that im "morbidly obese" and youre worried about my health. Cool
#morgan.pdf#'you always shut down when we talk about this' cool maybe its because ive told you i dont want to talk abt it#anyways. anyways#weight talk tw#ask to tag etc etc#just got woken up from my super cool depression nap by a phonecall from my mom abd im normal abt it
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jesus christ I feel like shit
#thank god for testosterone making me unable to cry like a normal person because I sure would be otherwise#im as close as I can get to it pretty much#cant wait for my mom to get back today or tomorrow and ask me when I start the new job and I’ll just have to say oh yeah :) they never#called back actually :) haha#I know they made it sound close to certain but lol guess not!#kibumblabs#i fucking hate this I hate getting invested in anything and putting in time and effort into shit just to get fucking spat on#just emailed the general hotel email but I doubt that’ll do anything. anything good anyway#cause the restaraunt/club is managed seperately I’ll probably just get the runaround or a ‘I’ll let her know you contacted us’ which#literally never actually means anything#either that or I’ll just be rejected indirectly which won’t exactly make me feel. better#I also applied for the 8000th time to another place for a similar job but I’ve never had luck with this place so that’ll probably also#result in nothing#woohoo it’s fucking September and we’re still stuck at fucking square one! hahaahaahahahaah SO cool#for real it should actually be a fucking legal requirement to give your applicants/interviewees some form of follow-up. it’s just so#fucking degrading to try and follow-up and just being ghosted. like what’s the point of that#it feels simultaneously like rejection and being strung along at the same time. i talked to you in person the least you could do is give#me any kind of update. for the love of god
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the full list of complaints i have about my former shithole apartment is obviously extensive and i’ve obviously gone over them on here before so i’ll refrain from doing so again now but the two main things are of course UGLY AS FUCK and SMALL AS HELL like if i had to guess square footage i’d say under 300. so it’s like. obviously i want something at least A LITTLE bigger than that this next time around! and i need a Real Kitchen with Real Oven obviously. and floors that aren’t ugly as fuck old dirty carpet. but beyond that i’m like…hmmm…should i go for a one-bedroom? because i was paying $1425 per month for my shithole and i have seen one-bedrooms in the $1500-$1700 range. but there are also literally bigger & better studios than the one i used to live in in the $1150-$1500 range. so i guess it really just depends on what’s available once i start Really Looking. and also somewhat on how much whatever WFH job i wind up getting will pay me but i’m only going to apply to jobs that pay at least $18-$25 an hour so i will be making more than i did at target No Matter What. and of course there is the old “you need to be making 3x what we’re charging” adage but GUESS WHAT! i had zero problems paying $17k a year in rent when i made between $30k-$35k a year in pre-tax income, i also managed to save $5k during the time period that i lived there, my credit score is quote-unquote “very good,” i have documentation backing all of that up, AND i’m VERY persuasive. so i’m honestly not super worried about that one right now.
#i’m like soooooo ready to Get Back Out There#i just need to finish my temp ‘job’ helping my mom’s friend move. figure out how best to describe that on my resume#then actually put together a proper resume. make a new email just for job applications bc my current email provider fucking SUCKS#write a cover letter(BOOOOOO! but the thing that happened last time i did that will NOT happen again.)#and start applying to jobs for the first time since fucking. august 2021 when i applied at World’s Worst You Know What#and then once the weather cools down i will become Fully Normal About Driving#and i’ll be able to start exercising outside again and finally get into running#because you can’t run inside this house because you might step on Hounds#and you can’t run outside right now because it’s too hot and humid and you’ll die#and then i’ll be ready to head back to LA as soon as the strikes are over.#or perhaps even before that if it takes a really long time because peace & love but no way in hell am i spending another summer in south car#olina.
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