#because it took a lot more effort
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Does it ever bother you that you write so much but there are so few readers of us? You deserve so much more praise.
Y’all are gonna make my ego bigger than it already is
#like I already got like awg levels of massive ego syndrome#don’t make it worse#and no it does not bother me actually#I’d love to see more comments and votes and kudos on my works#but like#idk I write for myself more than anything#I’m not passionate about writing like I am about music#I don’t have the drive to really sit down and create characters and side characters#and entire universes#I don’t want to take literature classes and learn everything there is to learn about writing#but it’s a funny hobby to fall back on when I can’t sleep at night ya know?#like my passion really lies in music#because it’s so much more challenging for me#and it feels more accomplishing to write something I’m really proud of#because it took a lot more effort#so like idk where I’m going with this#just like#you can follow ur passions without giving up your hobbies#and just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean you need to devote your life to it#ya feel?#neon answers
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TEAM BIRDTRESS DAY 6: SNIPER!
Sniper: the laughing owl, they’re an extinct species endemic to new zealand that was known for its cackle like call. A bird that goes extinct endemic to to where he was originally from seems quite fitting for one of the possibly last people alive that were born there. They’re also on the larger end of owls, fitting for the lanky dude, they also inhabited drier areas, and considering his home when is a very arid part of austrailia, I think it fits, especially since owls are sit and wait birds, which fits his job as a sniper. They also have superb eyesight. I really just couldn’t not make sniper an owl pretty much. It’s seems quite fitting for a man who clearly doesn’t quite belong among his home’s people and knows it to have this in the vein of his reminders that he’s different. He’s Australian, no doubt, but there’s always that bit that’ll tag along with him for the rest of his life.
Also sniper DOES get face feathers, why? Because I said so, hope that helps <3 (laughing owls have build in eyeshadow and I thought it would be funny to give sniper that and their white masks)
Next up is Pyro!
If you have suggestions for possible ideas for poses with engineer or heavy for theirs, do tell. I’m stumped with them.
Sources and ramblings below the cut!
An extraordinarily interesting bird, and one I picked out easily, but very hard to find images of. The 2nd link was actually my only reference for the underwing. It was rough. Sniper’s pose was easy, so I spiced it up with the fun lighting. He’s totally the sort of dude to use wings to stow himself away in any tree he doesn’t immediately succeed at climbing. Don’t pester him though. May end up with a kukri where your eye had been. I really struggled on the wing color for this. Tan and it’s associated dark browns get so tough to pick out for me and for no reason ;-;. The dappled lighting and the tree were soooo fun to do though. All the brushes I used for that are from devin Elle Kurtz’s wildflower pack. Been using them for various textures for years now.
The lack of info on this bird or special intrigue in the process make this one hard to commentate on, sorry :(
#team fortress 2#tf2#tf2 sniper#sniper tf2#team birdtress 2#man why did I call this team Birdtress and not bird fortress#oh yeah bc I keep uploading at 2 am that’s prolly why.#fun fact despite the visual differences#demos piece took way longer#because he had a more complicated pose + I drew the fuckin sticky launcher#and I really instilled a lot of effort into shading his wings#sniper was comparatively simple#the tree and foliage look complicated but all together took like maaaybe 20 mins?
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thinking about. i dont know how to phrase this really but. chloe and frank.
like. when Chloe killed Frank i (, personally,) feel like her guilt from it was less because she killed Frank, and More because she Killed Someone (and their dog).
but!!! thats not to say she didnt feel guilty for killing Frank. because she definitely did. because on some level. despite everything. despite all of his shitty behavior. a part of her still cared for him. that tiny 15-17ish year old part in her still cared for him.
because that 15-17ish year old with intense abandonment issues in her only had. a small handful of people in her life that actually cared for her, and when THOSE few people aren’t even doing the best job at it— it’s no shit that Chloe’s standards for Good Friends are going to be Immensely dropped.
and so. it’s kind of like what happened with Rachel, but WAY less intense. when she found someone who didn’t hate her, and was willing to hang around her—after so so long of people hating her and not wanting to be around her— it makes sense that part of her would kinda latch onto them a little bit.
and so, even after all of the shit she’s learned he did— even when Frank starts to hate her— even when he threatens Max and her’s lives— part of her keeps remembering him as one of the few guys who stuck around when no one else did.
it’s just that. no matter how bad the person— if you’ve known someone for years, and they were one of the only nice people to you in a town where theres like. four people that are nice to you— it’s gonna hurt if you kill them. even if it was self defense. even if it was entirely their own fault— even if you two aren’t on even remotely good terms anymore.
ESPECIALLY for such a sentimental person like Chloe. taking that in consideration it makes me wonder. maybe she didn’t feel bad for killing Frank. maybe she felt bad for killing the person Frank used to be to her. but maybe she realized that That Frank already died long ago.
but yeah. im mentally ill. take everything i said with a grain of salt considering it is 12:07 AM.
#my thoughts are a mixture of coherentness but also just enough of radio static that i cant write much of it out Correctly#but anyways dont you think it’s a little fucked that.#and maybe im reading it wrong but#like.#she really wanted to be friends with him in bts#she was really put that position#god idk#feel free to discuss about the whole. “chloe felt bad for killing Somebody not just frank” thing. that’s not something im 100% set in stone#with LOL. im open to other interpretations of it#that isnt to say the rest of this isnt open to discussion— but that part In Particular is#this post is mostly about how “frank was chloes friend” more than anything#it’s about how. out of the entire town. the shitty drug dealer is one of the guys who gives an actual shit about her#and about how. something happened in between BTS and LIS to make them hate eachother#like YES the 5000 dollar debt but that just CANT be it can it? was it rachel’s disappearance that destroyed them?#or did frank start declining after the whole dameon thing??? WHAT CHANGED THEM…..#anyways im sure im not the first to think of this and im ready to hear other peoples opinions on it#SCREAMING AND CRYING BC CHLOE IS LITERALLY SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER BUT PEOPLE ARE TOO MISOGYNISTIC TO SEE IT RAHGDHSGSHGA#if i had a nickel for every time i said “even” “despite” or “because” in this post i’d be rich#life is strange is a game about tragedy. and. misogyny.#ALSO TAKE IN CONSIDERATION. if u read this far.#that chloe likely met frank Before she was Really Truly convinced that there was zero hope for her to find somebody who cared for her#so it took a lot less effort for someone like frank to leave an imprint on chloe atp of her life.#and also partly why it was So Much More intense with rachel#hoping to god this is coherent#lis#life is strange#chloe price#frank bowers#rachel amber#…. i really doubt it will happen
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send help im combining 2 things i like
Awhile ago I was thinking about how some aspects of the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2 can link up with the ideas and themes of Deltarune, and now I've given the fun squad some mgs2-style designs! Kris is Raiden (makes sense if you've seen the end of mgs2), Susie is Iroquois Pliskin and Solid Snake, Ralsei is Otacon, Noelle is Rosemary
#deltarune#deltarune fanart#mgs2#noelle holiday#ralsei#kris dreemurr#susie deltarune#Part of me chose Susie as snake because in ch1 she says “I'm counting on you” like snake does a lot in mgs2#also because susie is sort of the most grounded character in dr. how she is kinda external to a lot of the craziness (not controlled)#Ralsei and Noelle I flip-flopped on since Ralsei might fit the role Rose plays better (if you think he's suspicious)#but personality-wise Ralsei is closer to otacon#idk i'm just going with my gut for this and having some fun#ALSO I DO KNOW WHO SOLIDUS IS GONNA BE BUT ITS GONNA TAKE MORE EFFORT TO MAKE HIM THAN THESE TOOK (that's a decent hint as to who it is)#metal gear solid 2#also the fact that noelle and susie are in their darkworld forms is intentional#same with pliskin being susie's lightworld form
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Based on yugioh, can you draw Joey and Seto in a roleswap au please? I imagine Seto as a poor boy while Joey became wealthy and powerful. Like a teen idol or yakuza. What do you think?
Teen idol Jounouchi, the star of the family, versus the somewhat familiar guy who hungers for victory
This was super fun to do! thank you!
#i initally said it was just going to be a simple sketch but when i got to the background i realized i couldnt leave it at “simple” anymore#it took me more time than what I anticipated but it was worth it in the end!#thank you for the request!#prachelley answers#prachelley draws#jounouchi katsuya#joey wheeler#seto kaiba#ygo#yugioh#ygo fanatt#yugioh fanart#yugioh duel monsters#ygo duel monsters#this actually caused me a severe brainrot. it sounds like such an interesting au. i have many thoughts that i may share sometime#y'know what. lemme elaborate a bit. because they make me have many thoughts#seto is not as traumatized as he was in the anime since he's poor and was never adopted and he has a brother to look after#and he feels like everyone looks down on him. he's the underdog who desperately tried to climb his way up. both for him and mokuba#while jounouchi has what his anime/manga version always wishes: the economical stability to be the pillar of the family and help his sister#and i see it as a way to keep in touch with his mom too. she never quite reached out to him in the original story#and i imagine that affected him a lot. made him feel worthless. not worth the effort or the care#but now he's a star! and his family is somewhat closer than ever. even if being an idol is tiring. or if it isn't all he wants for himself#ok ok. enough rambling.
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GUESS WHO PLAYED HUMAN CONDITIONS DLC??? MEEE 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥
Only 1 mission tho, im still playing the bad blood DLC☠️
Also my Aiden figure arrived so take this skit/shitpost or whatever u call it
#watch dogs#watch dogs 2 fanart#watch dogs 2#wd2#Marcus Holloway#Jordi chin#marcus wd2#marcus watch dogs#jordi chin fanart#fanart#traditional art#just a doodle but I tweaked it since I did it with no memory#apologies for any inaccuracies this was done during an English class#alright now onto tagging the video#wrench watch dogs#wrench wd2#reggie blechman#reginald blechman#wrench#aiden pearce#skit#I have another as well from when my wrench figure arrived if u want that too#ALSO AIDENS FIGURE IS SO SHORT COMPARED TO MARCUS AND WRENCH 😭😭#also Tfw Jordi snipes your jumper when ur tryna stealth#ISTG HE SNIPED MY JUMPER TWICE; ONCE WHEN I TRIED TO USE IT AND A SECOND TIME WHEN I TRIED TO USE A CRANE#he’s so silly in watch dogs 2 makes me all the more excited to play bloodline when I get to it#the fact that I finished Stars and Stripes just amplifies that excitement#I took a lot of effort to film the skit#mostly because the backdrop kept falling and I had to use a sticky note to keep it in place#anyway yap session over
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How long does it take you usually to fulfill requests? They seem fairly detailed 🤔
i'll be completely honest, i don't really know! i mean, it depends on exactly what you mean. sometimes it takes weeks for me to even get to some requests with how my inbox is (the oldest one right now is from the very beginning of december, so sorry if you've been waiting that long!!), but from sketching to the finished piece varys greatly
my estimate is anywhere between 20-30 minutes to a few hours. i think there's only been a few times where it takes me multiple days, and thats usually when i start them right before going to bed
#it also depends on which artstyle i use#because when i use the animal crossing-esque one it takes a lot less time and effort (which is why most of the time when i draw all the lib#i use that one)#the more realistically proportioned one takes longer#this is a really interesting question thank you for asking!!#ive never really thought about how long it takes me. like you'd think i can check the canvas information#but i do all my art on the same canvas#so that's not gonna work#i can tell you that my most recent canvas took 17h#and usually they take somewhere between 15-20h#so there's that#definitely an ask#every so often there will be an ask that i get and i'm immediately like 'that HAS to be drawn'#and in that case i let it skip the queue a little bit so to say#for example. when im sad i pick a random boy jerry request to make myself feel worse (joke)#WAHOO I SHOVED A BOY JERRY MENTION IN HERE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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There's a lot of talk about Heiji's tendency to drop everything and go to Tokyo to help—or even just to see!—Shinichi, and rightfully so. It's something Heiji unabashedly admits to (Episode 278, Magic File 5)...
Heiji: If any other suspicious persons show up, just call me! I'll run right over!
Ran: Hattori-kun saw that incident on the news and rushed over because he was worried about you, Conan-kun.
Heiji: Grabbed the first bullet train in the mornin'!
And I still can hardly believe that Heiji's canon, actual, real-deal reaction to a request to put his life on the line and impersonate Shinichi... is an immediate "OK" composed out of heart emojis (Episode 345).
Seriously. That happened. Heiji couldn't not help.
Heiji (internally): I had no choice. After all, Kudo e-mailed me asking me to do this.
But in Shinichi's first appearance since being poisoned (Episode 49), after seemingly refusing to show his face to Ran or Inspector Megure or anyone else in town for who knows how long, he unabashedly claims that he dropped everything to meet Heiji. He smiles about it!
And of course it's a lie, but there's a smidgen of truth to it, too. Conan did accompany Heiji, despite feeling terribly sick and harboring zero interest in the (apparently) non-murderous case, because he was intrigued. Because he was impressed with what Heiji had uncovered about him already and was nervous about what else his so-called "rival" could reveal.
Conan (internally): I don't wanna go, but there's no telling what this guy might say!
But even without that context, Shinichi's easy, immediate cover story gets to me. He really, truly, unhesitatingly asserts that meeting Heiji was important enough to jump right on a train to get there.
It reminds me of Shinichi's excitement when he first learns of Heiji (File 520), and his grin when he thinks of meeting Heiji for real one day (File 522):
Shinichi: Really? Then he's just like me!
Shinichi (internally): We'll meet each other again... on that mysterious stage...
I think I could totally buy that Shinichi actually would have done exactly what he claims in the clip. He is interested in other detectives like himself, and with the pain of the antidote wearing off in Episode 49, that smile's gotta be genuine.
Finally, while it's Not That Deep, there's maybe something to be said about how Heiji is symbolically the key to Shinichi's true self, since it's Heiji's alcohol that transforms Conan back into Shinichi. With this clip, Shinichi underlines the same idea. It's Heiji who brought him back after so long. It's because of Heiji Hattori that Shinichi Kudo makes his first appearance after vanishing.
And I love how forthright Shinichi is about it.
#detective conan#case closed#shinichi kudo#heiji hattori#ramblings#long post#video#funimation english dub script#because i've devoted a lot of time and effort into mixing my german blu-ray footage with my funimation dvd english dub audio#and everyone needs to look at it lol#(really though it's a lot easier now that i know to change the 'fps' of the audio but it's still a lot of work...)#(i match up the japanese audio track from the blu-ray with the japanese audio track from the dvd and copy any cuts needed to the eng audio)#(not hard just tedious... i'm dying for an official hd english dub release so that i don't have to do this lol)#(but any official english video releases for this show at all would be great...)#(i don't want to use bilibili screencaps anymore because there's a big watermark now)#(so i spent a whole lot of time timing bilibili subs to my ep 345 blu-ray here for those caps 😩)#(more tedious than other eps because bilibili splits up multi-part specials so i had to string together four different .srts)#(gosh i do *the most* lol plz official releases i'm dying)#anyway just was thinking about this because of my hd english dub project! he really says this#wanted to post this before the end of the year for one more essay but alas... took way longer to write than i thought ^^;#as per usual amirite ^^; ^^;
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Galar’s iolite skies
#pokemon#pokemon sword and shield#pokemon swsh#gym leader allister#chandelure#rookidee#phantump#fanart#BRO...drawing this was wild. i kept working on it on and off for MONTHS#surprisingly it wasnt the background that took the longest. it was the lighting and details on Allister#trying to shade everything to really fit into a scene takes a lot more effort than i thought!#all this work because i got a little too inspired by one song#Ghost fans you know what im talking about. the caption of this post makes it pretty obvious
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//Web Weaving—Golgo 13
Shamelessly stolen (read: inspired) from (by) @emiliasilverova and @carvermediagroupnetwork
A little web for one of my favorite characters in fiction, and a big inspiration for my own work.
Golgo 13 - The Professional (1983) // Le Samöurai (1967) // Revelations 7:5-6 (Gideon’s International Holy Bible) // “Rockford’s Ambition- Flaw in the Strategy” - Golgo 13 Story #218 (1984)
#golgo 13#web weaving#did this because I felt like it#and because I was floored by what Emilia did#also took a lot less effort than I I expected#will be doing more because nobody can stop me#(maybe) same kaiju time#(definitely) same kaiju channel
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honestly i wish i could meet up w online friends but i am so filled w terror that my anxiety would make me so offputting and hateable instantly n then i wouldnt have any friends left HBJJBA,,,,, like,,, i cannot express just how bad my anxiety is between my avpd and never learning how 2 mask my autism i am probably the most naturally unlikeable person in existence n then id have to live w that maybe if i had just figured out how to fix myself first and make myself perfect n palatable then i wouldnt hav fucked it up like every other interaction irl
#i have literally never made a friend irl#and i am being genuine#i am a certified loser#the only friends i ever had were from a young age just . playdated and then we stayed in contact but never really were actual friends#everyone else is just like. why doesnt IT talk.......... or ur so funny..(freak)#like i dont do anything BAD but i . dont know how to hold a lot of conversations#or i say things too bluntly (not mean but just unexpected i guess?)#and it makes people laugh but. at me#not . like in a fun way#i always stuck to the fact i could b funny at least but then i never actually made friends because none of them actually liked me they just#liked how weird n awkward i was & how fun it was to make fun of me w their actual friends#they included me in some things but it was always just 2 watch my reaction#i spent so many years in relationships like that#i always ended up in one no matter where i went#i always just told myself if i just wait eventually someone will come along who i can actually get along w#but then whenever there was someone theyd just. leave eventually#because the only place i had 2 meet people was church like. programs?#youth group n etc#and more recently i think everyone just kinda accepts im the quiet one#so they dont talk to me#n i dont know how to start conversations so i dont talk 2 them#honestly thats why i appreciated that one guy from the youth connections program#he still always talked 2 me and included me but not in a forceful way#he took no as an answer#n he was cool#he was such an open n funky guy i wish i couldve talked to him more#because even tho he did make an effort i was still so awkward n scared i didnt talk much#he was super into helping animals n stuff n everyone made fun of him for that n i felt bad because i think thats the coolest shit#but i never got a chance 2 say it because how shutdown w anxiety i get
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// Slow burn radioapple where Al keeps being a menace because that's the best way she knows how to cope with being in crisis, her local Lucifer pushes back bc he shouldn't have to deal with this shit, they keep getting into beef,,, if he's not aware already, he becomes aware that she doesn't get this triggered by anyone else and wonders what the fuck her problem is with him,,
maybe he'll ask her. maybe she'll tell him half. she won't tell him the other half.
maybe he'll figure it out.
#// just thinking as I'm trying to fall asleep. idk if im gonna do an offscreen ship tho idk.#the half of her problem with him she WILL talk about is that he greenlit the extermination (she lived through like 90 and lost friends!!)#he talks to disparagingly of sinners like he's better than everyone else when he's down here too. you're down here too motherfucker.#it took him five months to show up at charlie's project. after CHARLIE invited HIM. charlie may be delusional to Al but at least she's#trying to do SOMETHING for her people! unlike her dad who greenlig a genocide! people don't have to be perfect to deserve not beiny#genocided by a belligerent military power wtf. Al's not a Believer in redemption but she HAS been with Charlie from the beginning#and she has helped A LOT! Regardless of her intentions she's materially helped and invested her time & effort into the hotel! And then#Lucifer WALTZES IN with OPINIONS? and wants to help NOW that its a functional hotel? That's how Al sees it. Like joining a group#project that's mostly done and hijacking it. BITCH! That's HER project! Her + Charlie + Vaggie. And THEN it takes Lucifer ages to show the#fuck up to battle and only for his daughter! So go worry about her don't act like you care about the hotel!! That's how Al feels.#The part she WON'T share? She's intimidated. She's always been. She's aggro to him because she's intimidated.#And she's SCARED. Of being replaced. He can fix up and staff a hotel too. He's more powerful than she is! Everything she has going for her#that makes her Useful as a facility manager? He can do 1000x times over. Charlie doesn't keep Al around for her PERSONALITY!#And NOW? She got her ass handed to her by Adam. She lost a lot of her power. Lucifer kicked Adam's ass. That's HUMILIATING.#(The only saving grace is that her babygal Niffty ended Adam.)#SO YEAH AL is MAD at her local Lucifer for legitimate extermination & hotel stuff but she's also super on edge and easily triggered by him#specifically because she's intimidated and scared and humiliated and grieving her loss of power. So she lashes out.#maybe he'll figure out why.#mun post.
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Word of advice from a guy who gets shit on by people hating his comfort medias. People are assholes sometimes for no reason, they hate art on a surface level because they want something to hate. Your favorite medias aren't bad, in my opinion they're really cool (people who can get into rwby are like superheros to me same with sonic but I'm slowly getting into that) don't listen to the haters and keep loving what you love!
ty fr 😭🙏 i am a consistent enjoyer of what people often consider "bad" media, but i never understand why its bad. it simply doesnt register
#anonymous#veyr kind words ty anon#wishing u luck on the sonic journey its chill as hell in here especially compared to rwby lmao#maybe im just a sheep or something but like. i am very easily entertained#and idk if this sounds stupid but when it comes to stuff i watch#its not just because of what is in it#but its because i can feel the love from the people making it! its a collective conglomeration of countless peoples effort#and it makes me emotional. just like. montys brother took over his characters voice because he wants his brothers work to be seen#it just gets to me! i care more about the behind the scenes than the end product#because it ends up showing not just the product but also the intent#and i care about that a lot. and the things i like#(like sonic and rwby and steven universe. deltarune. undertale. even homestuck at its core. etc)#its all about love and hope baby! and i love that shit!#and i was pessimistic for a really long time and i got outta that pit not long ago#and i just dont fucking care for hate anymore. i fucking love bitch. i dont think those people know how
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have devolved into begging on social media but this is driving me up the WALL. I relatively distinctly remember a line of dialogue in the original game, paraphrased obviously, but to the extent of "asmo's charm doesn't work on a few rare exceptions but they're usually people with great magical power so it's strange that MC is one of them". does anyone else remember this or have I been trying to headcanon something into existence
#obey me on side#originally i was looking for it because i was almost sure but needed to check it was talking about asmo's charm#but then I could not find ONE implication of it anywhere when usually it takes me like 5 minutes max to source something like that#i thought maybe I was misremembering a line from a fic or something but I don't read that much#and i remember it as a sc!! like I think the background was that classroom one they use a lot and it was either solomon or asmo saying it#i have swiss cheese brain but not here wtf.....#originally i wanted a screenshot but at this point i would settle for someone else remembering it lol#if you're looking at this and thinking 'why is this such a problem':#a.) i'm an encyclopedia about this game i am the one other people ping to ask for a source. i should KNOW!!#b.) on more than one occasion i've gone to find something like this only to find (very late in my efforts) they took it out of the game#and i need to know if it's happening again because that would be kind of funny.#and c.) I was literally just theorizing and needed this specific piece of information to continue what i was talking about#anyway hi if you're still reading. goodbye now though because i ran out of things to say
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:( it figures, I finally got my shoulder back in place with the help of a supportive pillow and a heat pack to make the muscles relax, and now it feels like it might be slipping out again because I am no longer holding myself up by a pillow.
#the state of my shoulders is. every time I think too much about it I get stressed#idk how I'm gonna wear a backpack for school hahah#maybe I need to look into a shoulder brace or something. kinesthetic tape doesn't mix well with my skin; I've tried it and it's not worth i#I wish I had a doctor holy shit!!!!!#idk how I'm supposed to get one when the organization that is SUPPOSED to match people to doctors straight up told me#that I would have to go to multiple walkins with the same issue in order to be fastracked to have a proper doctor#guys. I have a complex multisystemic genetic condition that requires a joint effort by multiple specialist to properly manage.#which. by the way. it has not been. I have recieved zero support from my doctor who I saw when I lived in [redacted]#even after I was diagnosed! and she fought the diagnosis so hard and gaslit me constantly only for the geneticist to tell me that he was#without a doubt certain that I have hEDS. it took SIX YEARS to get off the waitlist for him.#sorry I'm getting off topic#I just. I need a lot more medical support than I can access and it scares me and makes me want to cry#I don't know how to manage or recognize when something is wrong with my body because of the gaslighting and the medical neglect#and the thinking my body was completely normal so never really questioning symptoms#:(#I need to stop before I make myself even more upset
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I've learned from my mistakes and grown from them. I've lent an ear to criticism, internalized it, evaluated it, put in the work required to do better. I'm on my way to a future where I don't have to worry about these problems anymore, because they've been dealt with and I have the tools to deal with them again. I'm learning to be kinder to myself, and that being kinder to myself involves admitting my flaws and working to improve them.
I truly believe that the best feeling in the world is knowing you've put in the work to get better ❤️❤️❤️
#i'm reflecting on the last time i went though a trauma like this#and how much the work i've been doing for months has prepared me to handle it better#i had a friend who abandoned me as a teenager to be closer friends with the person who assaulted me. knowing what had happened#he was the last person to abandon me. and that stung deeper than this. far deeper#but even though his judgement lapsed he still loved me. and he realized how he had hurt me.#and when he apologized i accepted it#and when i saw him at work a couple months back and i nervously said hi. and he didn't recognize me because of the testosterone#and i told him my name. full of trepidation#he gave me the most genuine smile i've ever seen. a smile that was full of so much love for someone who had become a stranger#and he told me i looked great. and i wanted to ask if the person with him was his partner and ask if he knew how much he meant to me#and i didn't. because he was at the grocery store with his partner and that would be inappropriate#but i think about it a lot. and i think about the effort he made for me.#i know what preceded it. i know the person who had hurt me hurt someone else. and i know that he might never have apologized otherwise.#but it still took him work. i know that. it was still difficult for him to admit to himself that he had treated me poorly.#and it's that work that means something. it's that willingness to change for someone that means something#he had to admit to himself that he had done something frankly... really fucked up#leaving someone to be friends with their abuser. after seeing the aftermath of what that assault and abuse had done to them#like that is. really fucked up#and i was in no way obligated to accept that apology of course. nothing could outweigh that action#but god i know how it feels and i knew then. the guilt i felt knowing that person had gone on to assault more people after me#and that maybe if i had said something then none of it would have happened#and i know that isn't true. because i did say something. and it accomplished nothing#but that guilt was something i had to use to heal. and he did the same. and i'm proud of him for being able to move forward#you just have to move forward and know that you might not always have done your best but you're doing your best now#maybe i'll tell him that next time i see him come in at work. pull him aside and say 'i'm still so proud of you for the way you grew'#'that apology meant the world to me then and means the world to me now'#'you've written an ending full of light into a chapter of my life with nothing but darkness and i'll never forget that'#but y'know. that would be inappropriate haha. he's grocery shopping
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