#because if theyre not literally why even live
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as an autistic trans man, sometimes I feel less safe in public presenting as a man than as a woman, because, especially in certain places, man + visibly autistic tends to be more often falsely read as "dangerous and predatory" than when people read me as a woman.
Yeah, as an autistic trans woman who doesn't pass, I feel that. <3
Honestly thank you so much for what you do on this app. I'm so glad there's people who are actually willing to stand with trans men instead of pulling the "um well I have it worse so do NOT talk about your own oppression EVER or else you're a transmisogynist!" I'm so happy I found your blog and I hope you have a great week <3
I hope you have a great week as well!
Eh a long while ago Chris Fleming made a video making fun of polyamorous people which used a lot of the same hurtful stereotypes society already perpetuates against us and I’ve not paid attention since
Noted, as someone who is also poly.
i wish the queer community didnt put so much emphasis on sexuality labels like i just want to have sex why do i need to put a word to it
very valid
about the dropout “discourse”: hot take but real life people are not representation. theyre people. real people are not queerbaiting you and real people happening to not be transfem (and I have literally seen transfems in some dropout episodes theyre just not part of the main cast) is not a lack of representation. these are real people. stop* *not you, the people being shitty about it
the complaint is not in any way coming from a genuine place tbh
hey! i just wanted to let you know how much your blog means to me as a trans guy. you and your reblogs have given me hope at trans unity, and lets me know that i-- that we-- aren't alone. so thank you for everything you do, and i greatly appreciate your support and look up to you 💛
Thank you. <3
i redownloaded etsy recently and seeing all the trans stuff saved to my favorites is so sad. i used to feel happy and proud and i wanted to be open about being transmasc. but since all the discourse got worse i just. cant bring myself to feel like it matters. it makes me feel like im trans and yet i will never matter the way other trans people do.
You do matter anon, I promise. I love you, you matter, and I'm glad you're here.
As a trans guy a lot of the self-ID'd TME transmascs weird me out so much. Like why do they all sound like "I am so strong and my power to Harm Women is immense. I could do it so much and I feel the pull to the Transmisogynist Dark Side but *unsheaths sword* I will protect them instead with my big strong testosterone arms from my fellow men" like what even is that. Who is into this.
it's so incredibly obviously bad but it reinforces some people's victim complexes so it's praxis now
a trans person will joke about their experience and a trf will jump in to assume theyre a white transmasc who has never ever faced any real difficulties for being trans
every time
Out of the many, many stupid ideas in this dumb discourse, I've finally decided the one I hate the most is that underlying implication that transmascs just aren't trans enough. It's so gross seeing people imply that we aren't really trans. Our dysphoria is minimal discomfort at most, apparently. I've seen people post about and imply that transmascs will never understand not feeling like a person or being unable to live a life pre transition and that's why we have privilege, i guess - are you kidding me? It's like our experiences are a joke to these people who are clearly so wrapped up in their online discourse bubble that they're just detached from what it's like for trans people as a whole. Sorry for the vent (would rather not post this on main and I don't have anyone to talk to) but it's just the most grating part. Also it's like. Low-key transmed shit. Thought we left that behind, c'mon.
transmeds are like ants they come back every summer
i wish TRFs had a label they proudly called themselves so i could jsut go through their tags and block them, but noooooo they HAVE to frame their transphobic bullshit as Brilliant Transfeminist Theory. like atleast radfems are fucking honest about being radfems
That's part of why I made antigonism a label for anti-TRFs to call themselves~!
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pokemon presents in like 5 minutes if its 40 minutes of nothing i will be conducting widespread violence this is not a threat but a warning
#festxt#dlc release date is the main thing but id also like confirmation that my Dear Beloved Besties will be present#because if theyre not literally why even live#i need arven and that little chef kid to be rivals turned mentor/follower-esque#also i need to see him inthe festival outfit#Please forthe love of all that is good in the world
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so often i see people try to downplay violet and minervas relationship like it wasnt Real enough or was some Inferior Romance that her relationship with clementine could Never compare to, and i find it so annoying and boring
she LOVED minerva!! and its okay that she did!! she was her first love!! childhood best friends turned girlfriends!! seeing her being so heartbroken and miserable about what happened to minnie, how deeply and desperately she missed her, hugging that bed frame so pathetically. but clementine makes her CARE again. makes her LOVE again. slowly violet becomes comfortable with the idea of opening her heart up to people again, after trying so hard not to because the pain of losing people she cared about was too much to bear (especially when she blamed herself for them being gone)
then she learns minnie didnt die. shes falling in love with clem while grappling with the fact that minnie might still be out there??
then she meets minnie in the woods. but minnie has changed just like she has. theyre both different people now. and slowly violet is forced to come to terms with the fact that the person she loved so deeply isnt that person anymore??
violet at the beginning mourning minerva and blaming herself, to shooting her to save clems life. she LOVED minerva once, but she doesnt like the person she is now. and shes not gonna let her hurt anyone else she cares about. shes done mourning her by the time they get to the bridge, only crying out for tenn
like idk i just find their relationship evolution to be so interesting and sad as shit. the fact that they once loved each other so much and it has now come to this?? but violet makes her choice and she Chooses clementine, because she admires and loves clementine, probably similar to the way she used to admire and love minerva if the way she talked about her is any indication
i just think "i never thought i would ever feel this way again" is way more interesting than "wow minnie Never made me feel like This"
#violet makes minnie a stronger character literally Just by being there#the way vi and minnie and clem all bounce off each other is so fucking good#CLEM SLEEPING IN MINNIES BED IS NOT AN ACCIDENT#clem has essentially replaced her. and minnie is seething about it. because she wanted them all to follow her to the delta#but instead theyre following clementine. who she sees as a threat to their lives. when in reality the real threat is her and the delta#now its minnie who is sad and lost and doesnt know how to grapple with it#instead doing what she can to save herself. even if it means hurting the people she cares about#and violet HATES THAT!! and shes willing to fight to save the people she loves#even if it means hurting someone she used to care about more than anything#she places that shot so perfectly. she doesnt WANT to hurt minnie. but she wasnt gonna let her hurt clementine either#she may have loved minnie once. partially blames herself for what happened to her. but theyre both different now. and she loves clementine#LIKE IDK that evolution is just so good and makes the clemvi romance even more strong??? violet knows Exactly what and who she wants#so by downplaying the vinerva romance it inherently makes her choice to choose clem weaker??#the more she loved minnie the harder that choice was. and she chose clementine#anyway this is why the clem vi minnie boat fight makes me bark like a wild beast#either i see people try to downplay her love for minerva OR they overhype it and act like she never got over her#when her getting over minnie is the whole point!! taken vi trusted her bc she LIED to her about sophie!! and clem broke her trust#god shes so heartbroken and confused in that cell get her out of there!!!!! vi i'll save you every time!!!!!!#thinking about clemviminnie instead of working what else is new#twdg#violentine#vinerva
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ok yknow what else. I am so glad they're acknowledging the 180. I haven't really voiced this cuz I was otherwise so excited for this season but I really was on the verge of indignation about them just deciding to make gabriel a goofy sidekick after he was literally the biggest villain of season 1. it really felt like they weren't willing to acknowledge just how much pain he's actually caused aziraphale and crowley and, to be honest, it seemed a little out of the blue that aziraphale would try to help him. but no. they're actually talking about it. it's a central point of conflict for them that crowley rightfully wants nothing to do with this because it's GABRIEL, he tried to kill aziraphale, he's still understandably terrified that heaven will try to hurt him again, and now he wants this guy nowhere near either of them, and cannot understand why aziraphale would have him in his bookship after what he's done. and as for why aziraphale wants to help him, that seems like it's actually going to be explored rather than just accepted for the sake of the plot moving forward. not only have they not forgotten just what gabriel did or tried to do last season, they're placing that lasting fear and apprehension towards him front and centre and are going to have aziraphale and crowley conflict over whether or not he deserves their help. I'm honestly so relieved because I had always been staunchly anti-gabriel and never really enjoyed the fandom's overly jovial attitude towards him, and was genuinely really skeptical when it seemed they were going to make him a sympathetic character in the new season, especially since the trailer played the comedic angle for all it was worth. but it's not just absurdity for absurdity's sake. it's actually something for our main couple to work through. the writing knows this is a difficult shift in dynamic to contend with. and they're directly employing it as an obstacle for aziraphale and crowley. it's really good and it's put a lot of my worries about the overall tone and messaging of this season to rest
#not even getting into how this is literally the same conflict from season 1 but with a slightly different power dynamic#like aziraphale and crowley have the power to say no now. they can move on with their lives and not feel obligated to involve themselves#in heaven and hells business. and no doubt crowley wants to stay as far out of it as possible#hes content to just be a human now basically. and hes frustrated that at the first opportunity aziraphale is diving back into it#and once again crowley is forced to close ranks and focus on only protecting aziraphale. only now its more frustrating because#aziraphale can say no! crowley tried to get them out of there before but of course aziraphale couldnt. and crowley understood that#to some extent anyways#and now theyre finally free to do as they wish like he wanted and aziraphale still cant fully break away#he just wants them both to be safe but aziraphale makes that very difficult. he loves him of course but its so frustrating for crowley#like WHY cant he just enjoy their freedom. why cant he seize it with both hands. thats all hes every wanted for them#its the same conflict as in 1x04 but worse now. because aziraphale can say no and he can choose crowley over heaven. so why isnt he#ohhhhh the interpersonal conflict. its so juicy. its gonna be so good i can just feel it in my bones in my SOUL#good omens#good omens spoilers#ineffable husbands#meta tag
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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!
#thank u blake. u really helped#also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise#it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little#anxious about things#i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to#decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together#and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me#so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world#we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it#people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do#i love my friends so much#evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness#like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be#okay?????#like#just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine#idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it#im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better#like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things#its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially#i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand#i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending#on how you look at it#so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow#some of you are like that#you may not know that#but that kindness means so much
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just saw interstellar in imax. love this movie so much. literally any critique of it that i see just shows that the person critiquing it didnt actually watch the fucking movie or havent seen it in ten years and think they remember it perfectly still
#‘why didnt they just not grow crop monocultures’#are you fucking stupid the whole first act of the movie is about how theres a disease that infects all living plant life#and year by year it completely eradicates crop by crop until corn is all that they CAN grow#and even THEN corn is still set to go extinct within a few years too#‘why do they have to leave the earth instead of saving it’ bc they HAVE NO FOOD#you can critique WHY the movie necessitates space travel over saving the earth. like why its written that way#but any critique of the setting that leads up to the space travel in te form of ‘why didnt they just do x’ is so stupid#especially when all those other options were already discussed in the film itself !!#anyway and dont even get me started on the 🤓 erm actually nerd physicsbros who hate this movie because#OHHH THE TIDAL FORCES ON MILLER’S PLANET WOULDNT BE THAT EXTREME#THIS RUINS THE WHOLE MOVIE FOR ME#FUCK OFF!!! have you even HEARD of artistic liberty BY GODDDDDDD#would the tidal forces be that strong? NO. DOES IT MATTER WHEN IT MAKES AN ICONIC CINEMATIC SCENE? NO !!!!I#its science FICTION. FICTION !!!#brot posts#or ‘the movie literally proves itself wrong because they fixed the earth in the end without needing a new planet’#ARE YOU STUPID. THEYRE LIVING ON A GIANT SPACE STATION#THEY STILL HAD TO LEAVE THE EARTH TO SURVIVE.#or the physicsbro who hate on the wormhole paper analogy scene because oh thats such a cliche analogy#i'll admit i always kind of agreed. i thought it was a necessary evil because these are high physics concepts for most audiences#but upon rewatching it now? i realize it was not an analogy to explain wormholes. they literally admit in the scene that its a cliche#bro literally uses it instead as an analogy for DIMENSIONS. he says the common wormhole analogy presents wormholes as 2d holes#but we live in 3d hence a 3d hole is not a circle but a sphere#he literally does not use it as a tired cliche analogy for wormholes he uses it as an analogy for dimensionality !!!!#all you bitches who throw these critiques around havent even watched the scene you're critiquing !!!
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Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
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Not very fond of people like waving off testament’s gender as just a Gear Thing but well at least it becomes funny when people apply it to gears as a whole. Like yeah i can agree with that. It has nothing to do with being a gear tho theyre all just transgender
#okay ill talk about it seriously down here#it does feel like the original intent behind their androgyny was to kind of Other them from humanity#daisuke saying theyve transcended humanity / talking about their ‘inhuman beauty’#i dont want to call it dehumanizing since theres like. a weird positive (…i guess) angle of them being ‘above’ humanity#thats just kind of a trope though. like nonhuman characters without a human concept of gender or sexuality. yknow#but anyway strive didnt really go back on this. they kinda made it a part of their arc?#i think dev backyard says that theyve ‘lived without the concept of gender’ since being turned into a gear#but theres no disconnect from humanity that goes along with that anymore#i like the implication that reconciling with humanity and more importantly their OWN humanity coincided with their presumable transition!#alright now for the part of this i dont like. its weird to assume the gear conversion had some effect on their body and THATS why theyre nb#i think any implications of that are vague enough to be dismissed#i wouldnt even call them Implications its like. messy (and contradictory!) early 2000s phrasing and a theory about 1 line of dialogue lol#early fandom stuff im aware of but dont know enough to talk about aside. nowadays its just used to like#excuse their androgyny. by gamers who cant just. believe that theyre nonbinary because they want to be. lol#not because of anything that was done to their body against their will. or even more simply because theyre just a gear and are Above gender#literally theyre just nonbinary. isnt that cool. i wish everyone could agree this is cool and end the discussion there.#except for me. i can discuss it all i want forever. because im the understander.#whatever. at least the section of testament’s wiki page theorizing about their genitalia is gone now. kissaroo for whoever took that off.#I NEED TO WRITE UP THAT TIMELINE IM LITERALLY NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY IM AUTISTIC ABOUT TESTAMENT’S GENDER. CLEARLY#the kat goes meow#gg
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We are just now realizing that still being on the short list of kitten fosterers means that we're going to be having to handle weaning five 3-4 week old kittens that need to be fed every few hours while also having university four to six hours a day and honestly, that's not going to be very fun. We'd say "maybe we should have taken on less art challenges this year" but honestly we've been having a great time with the art challenges it's just the 4-6 hours of school that's been rapidly eroding our soul
#we speak#one of them is still feral enough to hiss at us and we've already been overlapping Older Kitten Socialization with our other junk#god. you don't realize how much free time you have until you lose it we guess. this is why we've been unemployed for the past 4 years#...outside of the disability we mean#god. how did we survive this the first time. every time we attend any educational institution we gain so much sympathy for kids and teens#imagine having to go through this shit for eight hours a day AND no one respects your autonomy so you can't even leave#AND a bunch of places have bullshit laws that makes it a legitimate crime for you to not be trapped in a tiny box like this#for eight hours a day#man. yknow sometimes we see kids online being dumb or uneducated or whatever and think that theyre cunts#but then we remember how much of a blatant human rights violation a lot of school is and we're like. man.#sure it would help if any of them actually looked shit up but honestly children are failed by the school system to a massive extent#and it's a miracle that we made it out of our own school experience with as much willingness to learn as we did#because it's genuinely fun to acquire new skills and knowledge and the current school system is set up in such a way#that it literally creates a pathological avoidance to the things and environments that are taught in it#like man we loved math as a kid and then school crushed that out of us with a burning passion#and now we flounder with budgeting. both because of the need to use every single piece of everything and not Waste things from upbringing#and because trying to sit down and actually legitimately budget things is irreversibly associated with math from school#which has of course contributed to our current poor money habits where if we spend money on anything it has to Last#and if it can't Last then it haunts us for the next fifteen years#children should be allowed more leeway online not only because they are still learning how existing Works#but because everyone and their dog is determined to make it impossible for them to pick what they want to do with their bodies and lives#honestly we think it contributes to this current puritanism thing. need permission to do anything. need an authority#these kids arent ever given the chance to be themselves without being told what to do. no wonder they flounder without an authority figure
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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Also that post about knives and vash looking exactly the same .... like they are actually mirror images of each other. He was looking at his reflection but he was seeing knives (pukes)
#Trigun loveblog#i reread this chapter a few times but i didnt realise at first ...#i was like 'haha he lives so much like knives in that panel' (realises)#even their matching beauty marks are mirrored like they literally can not look at themselves without seeing each other#the same droopy eyes .... like its fucking over#they even look the same when theyre locked in ... actually knives doesnt ever lock in hes always in cool beauty mode#like his expression is always very relaxed and bored.... he pretends to be so detached but like ... you know ....#and vash locks in because he likes putting on an expression of determination#thats why when tht get older theyre going to be defined by the lines etched on their faces#because theyre always working out different muscles ...
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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tbh tho this is EXACTLY what merfolk relationships look like
and they just keep track of this. in their heads. all the time.
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#they dont have gendered pronouns but they do have tone modifiers for every other fucking word depending on their relationship to the other#and their mood. and if theyre referring to multiple people at once or just one person. and often layered on top of each other too.#merfolk have poor vision but they DO inherently think of things in a more ''three dimensional'' way than we do#considering they live underwater and youre operating with another axis just to move around anywhere#which then gets applied to the rest of their everything#ESPECIALLY language because theyre nerds who went hard into the sound focus#their visual art in comparison has simpler elements than ours (but a lot more focus on light/movement)#this is why merfolk have some very unique spellcrafts and theyre notorious for complicated and detailed spellwork#like yes a part of it is the fact that theyre older than the other species and have had more time to work on it#but also they can just DO really unique things compared to other cultures because they emphasize layered detail in this way#this is also why - from the outside - so much of miranda's job looks like parties and balls and attending to the courts#because again. its all about the emphasis on who has what relationship with who and how to operate within that.#legal agreements are multilayered and come with terms and conditions a mile long and you need to have a very careful hand on the pulse#of all of this#even moreso because royal families go even harder with treating the lineage as the individual and the merfolk#as just limbs and organs of this equation#this is why it was so important that miranda be good at manipulation and speaking and just *charismatic*#literally making people do what she wants or needs them to do is just what makes the merkingdom GO and operate#and why she (and the other royals) occupy a space a little like a public performer does as well#and why royals showing personal favor and having close personal relationships is frowned upon as#mixing pleasure and business#since those relationships ARE their business and so much of the underlying politics#if youre showing undue favor to someone because you personally just like them then you aren't judging them based off of actual talent#merfolk complicated! merkingdom complicated!#(the merkingdom is also SUPER fucked up but thats tangential from this tangent)
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im actually floored by how well the girls are getting along. they're all running on the wheel together and just napping. they are literally so chill together rn it's insane
#i was expecting it to go so much worse not even joking#it's why i decided to do it today bc i figured it would take them a while to really settle in and wanted them to be somewhat familiar by th#time the 50 gal came in#but honestly? theyre so chill rn.#mochi and sushi fought like one time since the time i got them despite not really liking each other so it's kinda interesting that they#arent opting to fight as much as some other mice even during the intros.#and they dont really chase like how the 5 p's did during their intro to the curries. the p's were bullying the curries HARDCORE.#pepper still does tbh but pepper does it with everyone bc shes an asshole and hates everyone#i do feel bad tho bc now theyre all in a (for the group size) small tank with no real enrichment for the next few days#potentially even the whole weekend if fedex is shit#but it helps the bonding#some sites (usually just brits) always say 'oh you need to leave tem in the small bonding tank for a week or more!'#and they say you should spend DAYS for each step of introductions. so literally waiting hours before you give back food and water and a hid#sorry not sorry but i have never ever ever needed to do this with any of my introductions.#the fighting is gonna happen regardless. mice who have lived with eachother for years will still fight. if you waited until 'a few days#of peace after a fight' then you'd have them in the small bare bones tank for their whole lives#i never even did intros this elaborate the last two times. i just introduced them on the table and when i was done setting up the tank with#clean stuff i put them back in. they fought but it's just because MOST of my girls are pretty dominant. theyre all related so thats why#the only reason im doing the bare bones small cage method is because its such a big group and it can be very fragile at first.#but honestly hese girlies are so chill coded it's wild#the ladies
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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that art of L deathnote got me thinking about death note and like......... im not even against l/light as a ship conceptually its just like i cant stand the way fandom does it.
like. theyre a lierally judas and jesus paralells theyre toxic. you have to be an L understander to get why he is obsessed with light and its not because he has this cute gay crush on him. and i REALLY dont get the people who like woobify light and make it so ‘kira’ is like a possession like???? thats not the point of any of this why are you even using these characters for this? it confuses me
but anyway i can support L/light ONLY if its done in a very specific way, thats very toxic and almost one-sided (or maybe unbalanced is a better word) not because Lights not interested (hes so like misogynist gay we all know this) in L but because he can NEVER understand L the way L understands him and thats all L wants is to be seen and to be on that level with someone. and thats the tragedy of their friendship is that L sees this person he can contend with and he can meet on his level but the same cannot be said for light.
but anyway ive never seen anyone who ships l/light do it that way specifically so ill continue to be a hater.
#like first of all the point of deathnote is to be edgy so jot that down. no but actually for real is it not like significant to everyone#light is this popular straight a student with a cop dad like is that not enough information about every aspect of his character???#it is about lights arrogance but also his philosophy about who is worthy of life being a reflection of what ''good/nice'' people value abou#human life. and what they consider disposable.#at least thats what it starts as but through the series obv we see light dig his heels in and do more and more kill more and more kill#''innocent'' (innocent in quotes bc it started with light using the law as his reason for killing) people#just to keep doing what he is doing#and the reason for that is he very clearly had the whole god complex he had power over peoples lives and he never stopped using that power#and we could see that additude reflected in all his other relationships too (the taskforce and his girlfriends)#so. like............ light is not kira bc he got the deathnote. kira is light because he got the death note.#when given the chance this perfectly lovely student would destroy so many lives and that is the point#so like.............#idk#sorry for death note posting idk why im feeling so passionate rn#and the reason L is obsessed with him is because he was supposed to be this perfect student but instead he is a liar and a killer and#as smart as he is hes equally as careless. hes a child. a teenager.#and L is someone who never got to be a child or a teenager.#so L someone who is so good at what he does and so out of place with everyone else no one even knows his name he starts playing this game#with light of course he is obsessed.#do you understand theyre literally judas and jesus#death note#tagging this for myself
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